#i found it again and reread it recently and it was Not Great but i can never thank that person enough

[recurring-polynya]

reblog and put in the tags what band you only got into because a fanfic writer you liked was obsessed with them

[certaimromance]

𝜗𝜚 A Picture of a Cat.

Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Summary: After months of emailing back and forth, you finally meet the person you've been chatting with every day. Then you realize that Spencer is not just a girl's name.

Words: 2,7k.

Warnings & Tags: forensic!reader. with spencer of the early seasons very much in love in mind. the reader has a cat and has little faith in men (literally me, sorry). SO MUCH chaos and maybe lack of communication but happy ending. english isn't my first language (sorry for my mistakes, be kind please).

Note: This is pretty chaotic and not particularly serious😭 It might be best not to try to make sense of it. They're just two idiots in love, really.

To say that Spencer was dying of nervousness was not enough to describe his true feelings.

From the moment he woke up this morning without any mail from you in his inbox, he began to feel that his day was going wrong and that it was becoming an endless nightmare. He had lost count of all the times he had checked his mail at work, hoping to see even a one-line message from you to calm his anxiety.

As someone who had received your good morning every day without fail for the last four months that you had been talking to each other daily, he was completely taken aback and couldn't quite put his finger on why. Perhaps he had said something to offend you, or maybe you were just not feeling the spark anymore. But astonishingly, none of your numerous emails that he had taken the time to reread on the jet indicated any cause for concern.

Everything had been so positive with you recently, and he was grateful to have someone to talk to, even if it was through a computer, every time he finished a challenging case and his mind just wanted to focus on something else. He found great comfort in reading about your day and your thoughts every morning, as if it were his newspaper. Even the pictures you always sent him of your cat sleeping in cute poses, eating, or doing anything else made him smile and gave him the idea of adopting a pet, even when he had never thought about the possibility of it before. You always helped him realize some desires he hadn't previously considered.

But suddenly he didn't have any of it. Nothing at all.

Reid's gaze fell once upon the computer on his desk, and his face was illuminated by its light as he reopened his email page for what might have been the thousandth time that day. His fingers tapped over and over on his knee in an attempt to calm his nerves as the page loaded at a slow pace. He took the opportunity to look at the time on the clock hanging on the wall in front of him. It was ten o'clock at night, and yet, once again, there was no trace of you among his messages.

His heart stopped for a second when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, and he had to close the page he had opened on his computer at full speed before he could even realize who it was.

“Hey, take it easy, kid.” Derek said gently, removing his hand from his shoulder and stepping back a step. His eyes fell on the computer screen, and he was intrigued. “What were you watching?” He asked, with a playful smile.

“N-nothing.” Spencer's voice trembled beyond his control, and he quickly rose from his chair, trying to shield the computer with his body.

You had been his best-kept secret for quite some time, and he was content with that. He enjoyed the idea of maintaining a certain level of privacy in that aspect of his life, as something just between you two. It was more special and romantic that way.

“Nothing? Is that what they call those things now?” Derek inquired, his tone teasing but not unkind. The boy blushed a little, unsure why. “I must admit I'm surprised.”

Reid had to think for a few seconds to figure out what his colleague was talking about, but even before he could understand, Morgan had started speaking again.

“Anyway, turn that off.” He said, pointing to the computer and settling his bag over his shoulder, ready to go. “Someone's waiting for you in the boardroom.”

Almost automatically, Spencer frowned and watched him, waiting for him to provide more information or at least laugh if he was making a joke. However, that didn't occur. Derek didn't laugh at him or anything of that nature.

“Go, Reid. It might be best not to keep the girl waiting.” He gave his friend a gentle pat on the shoulder and a reassuring smile before heading off on the way to the elevator.

A girl? Waiting for him? How?

Spencer took a moment to collect his thoughts, attempting to grasp the meaning behind Derek's words and the circumstances surrounding the supposed visitor. With a measured pace, he stepped away from his desk and proceeded down the hallway, heading for the boardroom with a contemplative demeanor.

As he opened the door and cautiously stepped inside, he was met with the most glorious sight of his life, the one he had waited so long for, the one that now quickened his pulse and seemed to bring him back to life after feeling dead all day.

You.

Standing at the table, looking intently at the various maps and data scattered around the round table in the center of the room. So deep in thought that you were not even aware of his presence. As pretty as in the pictures of you that he had seen.

He couldn't help but let out a little "oh my" at the sight of you. His heart was pounding so hard he thought he could hear it from across the room, or maybe his ears were just ringing from the blood rushing to his head. Reid stood still, looking at you, amazed. He could see how the light touched your hair and how you bit your lip as you concentrated on organizing the papers and a folder in your hand. It was real. It had to be real.

“Hi.” His voice suddenly startled you, making you realize that you were no longer alone and that the door was now open.

You look up from the documents you are examining and see him by chance. It takes you a moment to realize that he works there, and only by the FBI badge in his pants pocket.

“Hi.” You responded after giving him a very obvious visual scan.

Your voice.

It was the first time he'd heard you speak, and it was just as he'd imagined it would be.

“I’m-” You extended your hand in a cordial manner to introduce yourself, but he interrupted.

“I know who you are.” He spoke quickly, smiling at you. “I...I...you are...” Reid cursed himself for stuttering the sentence as his tongue suddenly felt too heavy in his mouth.

“Okay…I'm waiting for someone.” You said it politely, but your tone showed your anxiety.

Oh, you didn't know it was him.

Spencer let out a laugh to relieve the growing tension, but it came out sounding like a cough. He wanted to hit himself. Why was he acting like a child? He was an agent, for God's sake. His job was to talk to complete strangers every day and do entire profiles without getting nervous. He found it hard to understand how that was changing so much now. He took a deep breath and forced himself to speak more clearly.

“Yes, I know.” He replied, sounding a bit nervous. His voice was a little shaky, as if he was straining to get the words out.

“Do you know if this person is coming?” You were standing there with your arms crossed, trying to see if anyone else was coming after him.

At that moment, a look of confusion came over his face. It had not even crossed your mind that it might be him. And although it was to be expected and totally understandable since you had never seen a picture of him, Spencer still felt a twinge of pain and insecurity inside. Perhaps you expected him to look different, or at least not look like a kid playing federal agent.

Maybe it would have been helpful if he had sent you a picture of himself when you sent yours. That way, you might have had a better idea of what to expect. But you were very understanding of his insecurities and lack of comfort with the photos at the time. So he thought everything would be fine anyway…he was so wrong.

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before speaking up. “Actually, it's me.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck and trying to hide how nervous he was, with little success.

As soon as he said it, you looked surprised, your mouth slightly open, and then you laughed.

“That's pretty funny.” You said it with a slightly uncomfortable smile. When you realized he wasn't laughing, you added, “Good joke.”

Seeing your reaction, Spencer felt the urge to shrink back and disappear, as if that action could erase the last few seconds of your memory and also erase the feeling he suddenly had of having screwed up in an unfamiliar way. He felt his chest tighten as you asked him again if the person you were waiting for was coming. Was it so hard to believe that he was the person you were talking to? The one who earned your trust and affection?

“I spent several hours on a plane, so please let me know if your colleague is coming.” You spoke again, your tone conveying a hint of disappointment and fatigue. “If I'm a nuisance and Spencer doesn't want to see me, I'd appreciate knowing that.”

Hearing you say his first name gave him an unexpected shiver. It sounded so pleasant and intimate. He took another deep breath and forced herself to speak clearly.

“Wait, he does want to see you.” He paused for a moment, realizing he sounded a bit ridiculous. “I mean, I do. I'm Spencer.”

You're momentarily taken aback, unsure if the guy in front of you is joking. His nervous expression suggests otherwise, and you even entertain the possibility that he might be crazy.

Oh my goodness, you were all alone on a practically empty floor of the FBI offices with an insane agent.

“Just let me know if she's coming or not, please.” You said, taking a few steps back to be at a safe distance from him.

His mouth was so dry he could only manage a soft, hoarse whisper. “She? Did you think I was a girl?”

“You?” You furrowed your brow, feeling more confused and uneasy.

At last, he had a suggestion and reached into his pocket to retrieve his badge, holding it out to you in a gesture that seemed to convey innocence.

“I’m Spencer Reid.” He said, his voice betraying a hint of awkwardness as he was caught off guard by the peculiar turn of events.

You looked at the badge, confused, and slowly looked up, looking into his eyes closely for the first time. You studied his face intently, not really believing it.

“Are you Spencer? My Spencer?” You asked.

When you said “my,” he felt a flutter in his chest. His brain was trying to tell him not to get too invested in the moment, but the vulnerable part of him was moved by the way you said it, like he was all yours. There was a special air of affection there that he liked.

“Yes.” He replied, almost in a whisper. “I am.”

You had to take a moment to process the information, eyes glued to his as you tried to make sense of it. Little by little, you come to understand. This was the person you had been talking to every day for months—the person with whom you had shared your fears, stories, and dreams. Yet you hadn't even asked him for a picture or a call—anything that would have made you realize that he wasn't a woman. It seems almost unreal to you to have fallen into such a confusion.

“I sent pictures of my cat to a man?!” Was the first thing you thought, and it managed to come out of your mouth clearly, in an indignant tone. “I said you were my soulmate!”

Now you were the one who sounded insane.

He stood there for a few moments, looking at you and seeing the different emotions on your face. When he finally spoke, his voice had a hint of insecurity in it.

“Yes…but your cat is cute, and you take good pictures.” He scratched the back of his neck, looking a bit nervous. “Did you know that the evocative power of images is widely studied? They can help us verbalize and even rescue forgotten memories and stories from our collective memory and-” He silences himself. “Sorry.”

When he fell silent, your brain couldn't do the same, and thousands of hard-to-filter words began to appear. You had a strange feeling in your chest, a mixture of familiarity with the way his ramblings sounded to you, just like the emails you loved so much, and confusion about the whole situation.

“This is so strange.” You said to yourself, pacing around the room a couple of times. “I was so stupid-”

He observed you with great interest, trying to discern the thoughts and feelings that were likely swirling in your mind. He could empathize with your confusion, as he was also uncertain about the circumstances. He couldn't blame you for feeling bewildered. You had embarked on your journey with the expectation of meeting a girl named Spencer, but instead, you encountered him. You had envisioned a lovely girl, and you found him—a simple individual, a nerd who had been told on numerous occasions that nerds lacked charm.

“No. You're not.” He said, attempting to manage his desire to bridge the gap and offer solace. “It was a misunderstanding. I should have provided you with more information.”

“How would you even start a conversation by saying you were a man?” You let out a laugh to yourself. “I would have stopped talking to you instantly.”

The sentence hit him right in the heart.

The two of you had the opportunity to communicate by mail when your boss asked you to send reports on several of the autopsies with similarities you had done to the BAU. It was then that a picture of your cat was sent in the middle of the files. Spencer was the one who received it and made an attempt at a joke after your long apology. And then another, and another, until you ended up talking for four months until now.

But if you had known from the beginning that he wasn't a woman, you wouldn't have bothered to get to know him at all.

“I...I don't know what to tell you..” He admitted, sounding a little more vulnerable. “But why did you think I was a woman?”

After a moment's thought, you said. “Your name made me think of a girl I knew in college. And you...you were so nice and sweet in your emails that I found it hard to believe that a man could be like that through a screen.”

When you shared how you perceived him through his emails, it seemed that a certain vulnerability came to light. The situation had turned the tables, and now he was the one standing there trying to process the information.

“I thought I finally had a friend. You know what my job is like...and yours is just as all-consuming.” You spoke again, having to sit for a moment in one of the chairs in the place, trying to calm down. “It would've been great to have someone who understood me as a friend.”

He felt a pang in his heart at your words and was instantly reminded of the times you'd confided in him about how isolated you felt in your lab, surrounded by dead people and computers.

“You can still do that.” He replied without thinking. “I’m still the same person as before, just different packaging.”

For you, it was much more than that. First of all, you trusted him in the beginning because you thought he was a girl; that's why he understood you so much and you had that special connection.

Hell, you'd even told him how bad your period was, and he'd understood so well. He'd given you tips and facts that you didn't know that were beyond your expectations of what the average man knew.

“I mean, I'm still someone you can talk to.” He continued, his hands moving nervously in his pockets. “Unless you...unless you don't feel that way anymore.”

When you finally spoke, your voice sounded almost whispery and gentle. He couldn’t help but lift his gaze from the floor to you, feeling how his body relaxed just a bit with the soft sound of your voice.

“No, no. I still want to talk to you…if you’re my Spencer.”

“I am, all yours.” He replied with a smile.

[hannie-dul-set]

the ethics of belief — [p.sh].

SYNOPSIS. you’ve been noticing some signs that park sunghoon seems to have a problem with you, and you’re resolute to getting a straight confirmation or denial from him rather than taking the signs as they are and believing in the worst. it’s less troublesome that way. you’d much rather believe what he’d say than spend the remaining two and half-years mulling over something that doesn’t even matter. 

meanwhile, park sunghoon also harbors his own unvoiced beliefs about you and your person. the issue arises when that belief starts to fester under the seams of certainty and doubt— a firm credence denied from the opportunity of validation. 

and that’s when the belief of oneself usually starts to fall apart.

PAIRING. park sunghoon x female! reader. GENRE. college! au, classmates! au, strangers to one-sided enemies/academic rivals to friends to lovers to exes to [redacted], romance, angst, hurt/comfort, humor, drama, inspired by my nth reread of the manhwa “cheese in the trap.”  WARNINGS. swearing, an initial unhealthy dynamic that gets better with time, misogyny, daddy issues LMAO, dishonesty, ulterior motives HUAHA, self-sabotage, talks of insecurities, so much academic dumps and word vomits, the mc’s are political science students that enough deserves a warning, more tba. WORD COUNT. est. 15-20k. preview 2.5k.

TAGLIST. i will be completely transparent and say that i may or may not even get to finish this HAHAHAH nevertheless, if you’re interested, just shoot an ask/dm/reply!

NOTE. i am.....up to something yet again HHAHAHHAHA. was really inspired to write something like this after rereading cheese in the trap!!! it took me while to decide which kpop boy i should subject to my whims this time, and idk why i even bothered mulling it over when hoon was literally the perfect fit for this perfectionist, passionate, paranoid male lead 😔😔. quite different tone than the fics i usually write (quarter life crisis time). anyhow, i hope this piques your interest! enjoy!

preview under the cut.

“YOU’RE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WHEN YOU HEAR A KNOCK. The police have arrived to arrest your spouse— for murder. This accusation comes as a total shock, but their fingerprints were found on the murder weapon. Your spouse insists they’re innocent. Should you believe your spouse, even though the evidence against them looks damning? This, class, is a classic example of an ethical dilemma.”

There is a guy from your major that you’ve recently come to notice.

“Discussed by Alex Worsnip, this question covers the ethics of belief through various lenses, including evidentialism and pragmatism—”

Well. It’s not as if you’ve never noticed him before.

“It was W.K. Clifford who coined the term the ethics of belief in his 1876 book under the same name. He forwarded the evidentialist view of belief in determining the correct, or moral, way of viewing a situation or problem— that is, by believing things based on the evidence at hand. However, this is not the only perspective we can use to anchor our respective belief systems.”

It’s just that for the past two months you’ve known him, you’ve noticed that his behavior around you has been quite…odd, in comparison to the rest of your peers.

“Now, let us go back to the problem I’ve presented earlier. Hmm. Let’s see the attendance list—”

He was the first person you were introduced to during the pre-academic-year-get-together when you came back after spending the previous semester in a government sponsored exchange program to the U.S. In fact, it was very hard not to notice him, considering that the moment you arrived at the event— late, because you had to spend the entire day unpacking your studio the hours prior— he was a new face surrounded by a notable amount of people from your year.

And your first impression of him was simple.

“—is Park Sunghoon present?

(“This is Sunghoon! Park Sunghoon! C’mon, say hi!”

A tall, good-looking, well-off, popular guy who apparently also has a great personality. Sim Jaehyun’s introduction of Park Sunghoon seems to have maxed out on adjectives. He apparently also transferred to this program— Bachelor of Arts in Political Science— at the same time you left for your exchange program. He, after one once-over amidst the crowded scene, is someone you’ve concluded that you’re better off simply retaining as an acquaintance and a classmate because of the very adjectives Jaeyun described him with.

Popular, after only a semester of being here. Carries with him a crowd of people. That’s far too troublesome for you to voluntarily deal with.

So, for your own benefit, the smart decision is simply to never go further beyond being on polite terms with Park Sunghoon.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Ah. Yes, hi.”

“Now, don’t be awkward! Everyone already knows each other except for the both of you. You two should put in the effort to get closer.”

There’s a slight lag to Park Sunghoon’s smile. You smile back, scanning the rented venue for Kim Yeondu— closest friend since first semester and is trying to recruit you into the Strava cult— else you’d be a few minutes, few tequila shots too late from saving her from embarrassing herself on the first unofficial day of the semester. Nam Deokhwan seems to have already gotten the ball rolling and passing around drinks. Choi Nari is yelling at you three to come join for a group photo.

An exhale from you, you tighten your smile and flicker your gaze back to your new acquaintance, who looks like he’s also ready to get this awkward introduction over with. Jaeyun is the only soul in this three-person liminal space that’s even somewhat enthusiastic. 

At last, Park Sunghoon extends out a hand for a shake. “Let’s get along,” he says.

“Sure,” you politely reply.)

“Present, sir.”

Your eyes trail off from your notes, all the way to the other side of the lecture hall, several seats away from you to look at the only individual standing amidst the sea of seated students. “Your spouse has been accused of murder with damning evidence.” Prof Yoon flickers the slide back to the previous one, the question printed on the projector screen. “Should you believe them or not?”

There’s a polite smile on his face— an easygoing yet comfortable air. His posture is as straight as it can get. His profile is something artists would want to transfer onto canvas. “I would believe the evidence presented against my spouse’s testimony, Professor Yoon.”

You click the end of your pen, pointing the inked tip towards the paper with a hum.

“Care to expound?”

Sitting next to you in the hall is Yeondu, who has her eyes locked straight onto Park Sunghoon as he begins his answer. “The phrasing of ‘should you believe’ them rather than would implies a moral obligation of belief. In this scenario, what I’d want to believe does not matter. Even if my spouse had been, for example, loving and kind throughout the course of our relationship, the existence of police-discovered evidence that they had committed the crime of murder would overpower any emotionally-driven feelings of belief that I’d have.” You hear her sigh a little. Dreamily even, with her elbows propped up on the table and palms cupping her cheeks. “Evidence points us towards the direction of the truth, therefore there is no question but to believe in it.”

“Jesus, I have not registered a single word he said, but fuck, he sure sounds hot as hell when he talks smart.”

You laugh a little. You’re not one to deny that Park Sunghoon is indeed smart, handsome, and has the voice of an angel. But none of those are the sources of his difference in his behavior towards you. At least, you don’t think it is.

“Very good, Sunghoon. Your take is a clear evidentialist perspective towards the dilemma.”

A prompt from your professor, Park Sunghoon nods and returns to his seat, eliciting some murmurs from everyone else around. You set down your pen. You straighten your back.

“I’d like to hear if anyone has a different answer.”

You raise a hand.

“Yes?”

All eyes are on you—

“Thank you, sir. While the evidentialist point of view might seem the most rational, I’d like to argue otherwise.” 

—including Park Sunghoon’s

“I do not disagree with the moral burden of who I should believe. And in this case, I should believe my spouse. Not because of love or the fact that we are in a relationship. Regardless of the individual, the principle that everyone is presumed to be innocent until proven guilty beyond rest still stands.” You begin. You direct your attention towards Professor Yoon as you continue speaking. However, your peripheral notices something interesting. “Given that the situation is provided that the evidence is simply presented in testimony by a police officer outside the court, it is still yet to be verified and judged by the court of law. The same goes with my spouse. Therefore, until the law declares them guilty or otherwise for the crime of murder, I would choose to believe my spouse over anything.”

Park Sunghoon had been preparing to raise his hand. And he does. “May I ask her a question?” he asks. Professor Yoon nods at him to go ahead, and— when Park Sunghoon turns his head to direct his attention towards you— it fails to slip under your notice.

That annoyed look in his eyes. Bothered. Discomforted.

“Do you argue that we have the ability to choose what we believe?”

That’s the very reason why you can’t help but notice him more than you’d like.

“We have no control over the beliefs we carry. If we have that ability, then the concept of doubt would not exist, and this dilemma would not exist, either.”

Another round of murmurs arise. You nod and smile. “That’s a good point. However, I still stand with my argument.” What is up with that look of irritation? What is his problem? “We may not be able to control our beliefs at will, but our belief systems are shaped by our principles, morals, and experiences, are they not? My principles of justice alongside the experiences of a healthy and loving relationship would lead me towards believing him above anything else. This is not an argument based on emotion. Upon marriage, a moral obligation towards your spouse is conceived.”

You see him flinch. His brows furrow, a counter-argument already brewing in his mind.

“Should the time come that your spouse is indeed proven innocent, and your belief stood against them, then I’d say that you have failed your moral obligation.”

Unfortunately, the opportunity to fire it is stripped away the moment he opens his mouth. “That is a very good argument. I believe Mr Park Sunghoon has more to say, but unfortunately, we don’t have enough time to discuss things further. You two may take your seats.”

It seems like both you and Park Sunghoon get the similar idea to give each other one last glance before sitting back down. You, offering a smile and a nod of acknowledgement after sharing a fruitful discussion. Him, masking that previous expression of annoyance by mirroring yours, followed by an immediate turn around— head snapping back in front as if he couldn’t bear to look at you any longer.

Seriously. What’s up with him?

Yeondu scratches something onto your abandoned sheet of paper the moment you release a breath and sink back into your seat. Whoa, that was an intense exchange, she wrote. Pay attention, you scribble back with a soft hum. Though, you’re not exactly one to talk because although you’re looking at Professor Yoon and trying your best to listen to her talk, the recently concluded exchange with the man in front has gotten your mind wandering.

“As much as I’d like to hear discussions of other common ethical dilemmas such as the trolley problem, it seems like we only have around five minutes left for today’s class. However, this isn’t our only opportunity for discourse.”

All evidence points towards the idea that Park Sunghoon has a problem with you.

“Next week is the College Field Day, so we won’t be meeting. The week after that, we will be having a debate.”

But you’re not one to jump to conclusions. So until you get a confirmation from Park Sunghoon personally—

“Please see the screen for your groups. I will be posting the guidelines and propositions on our MIS immediately after this class, so please be guided. Once you’ve checked your groups, you may be dismissed. Thank you.”

—you’d much rather hold your suspicions at bay for the time being.

“Ah, fuck me, I’m with Deokhwan! What about you, where’s your— oh! There you are. You’re grouped with Jaeyun and—” It seems like there’s a magnet constantly pulling your vision towards one side of the lecture hall today. Park Sunghoon seems to have read the list at the same time as you did, registered the names listed, and looked over to you at the same time as you did. “Sunghoon! God damn, did Prof Yoon even randomize this? This is crazy. Thank god we’re not fighting against your group.”

At the same time as Professor Yoon takes her leave, the rest of your classmates also slowly trickle out of the lecture hall, while some have opted to remain inside. Park Sunghoon and the rest of the people surrounding him seem to have opted to leave. He already has his bag slung over his shoulder, chatting alongside Jaeyun and Nari and Jongseong and a few others.

You’re still unsure if you’re simply being sensitive, or if he does indeed have an issue with you. Quickly, you gather your things as well. Yeondu shoves her ethics book into her tote bag and locks arms with you. “Anyway, where should we eat? Jiyeon said there’s pork cutlet on the menu today.”

Uncertainties are troublesome. It gets your brain churning more often than you’d like, expending energy more inefficiently than you’d like.

“Do you mind waiting for a second?”

And you’re not very fond of troublesome things.

“I’ll go meet with my group mates first.”

So wouldn’t it make the most sense to just ask him directly?

Yeondu tells you to take it easy, but lets you off with a wave. You march up to the group moving towards the middle aisle dividing two sides of the lecture hall seating. They walk down the pitched flooring, on the way to the bottom of the hall. You cut off that opening. Park Sunghoon’s steps stutter mid-speech at your sudden appearance. Jaeyun releases a surprised whoa. “Park Sunghoon,” you greet. He blinks his widened eyes in response. “Jaeyun, too. Sorry for the interruption. Are you guys heading out for lunch? I was hoping to schedule a meeting time for us first so we could start researching for the debate.”

The initial surprise subsides in the air. Jaeyun breaks the awkward silence with a laugh. “Whoa. You’re way too diligent, dude! Prof Yoon hasn’t even posted the propositions yet.” He nudges his friend for some backup. However, Sunghoon— seeming to only have shaken off his stupor a few moments ago— agrees with you, instead.

“She’s right, Jake,” he says, nudging back his friend, and Park Sunghoon’s eyes trail away from his friend to you, a practiced, polite smile covering his face. “How about we meet later after class at the campus cafe? That way, we’d have more time to sit down for a discussion.”

“Hey, you guys can talk this out later! I’m starving!”

You notice Sunghoon’s smile stiffening for a second. Only for a brief second and you look over to the scene behind his shoulder— a group of evidently impatient and irritated friends, mostly emanating from Nari, who’s leering right at you. You ignore them. You respond to Sunghoon with an expression mirroring his own. “Sure, that’s fine with me,” you say. “My classes end at four.”

“We both finish by four-thirty!” Jayun shutters in, throwing an arm around Sunghoon’s neck, grinning widely with the conversation finally coming to an end. His gaze is already glued to the door. “Alright, we’ll see you later. C’mon, guys. Lunch, lunch, lunch!”

Jaeyun passes you by with a friendly pat on the shoulder. Jongseong nods at you and walks ahead. Among the rest of the group walking past you, you feel one of them bumping into your shoulder, by accident or otherwise, yet even that falls far under your notice in comparison to the first person that passed you by.

It was from the corner of your eye, but you’re sure that Park Sunghoon’s smile disappeared with the roll of his eyes the moment he took the step down and walked past your sight-line.

You caught that. Without a doubt.

“You done? C’mon, let’s go eat!”

Yeondu skips over to you after your mini-meeting, tugging you by the arm out the door, but your mind remains on the two levels of the lecture floor aisle. In spite of the evidence pointing towards Park Sunghoon’s masked distaste towards your person, your personality, your existence— whatever, it’s not the time to ask him about it yet.

Until then, you’ll have to table your judgements and how you intend on dealing with him.

the ethics of belief. © hannie-dul-set, 2025.

[denv2]

Felix and the Cats Around Him

Chapter 181~ I reread the part with Felix for the first time in a long time, and there were so many elements that I hadn't noticed before because of my relative lack of knowledge. It's so good... I like it👍

Below are my thoughts as I went through the chapters + drew pictures + IM chapter 181~ spoiler warning! (scroll through carefully lol)

When I first read IM, I knew Felix, but I didn't love him as much as I do now, so I hadn't seen the official cartoon anime (and I had seen all the Oswald anime by then, lol I love all the original characters, so if I like them, I'll watch all the original media and buy the game).

So when I read the Felix part during the hallucination created by the labyrinth in chapter 181, I actually... at that time... I just read it while just following the story, so I didn't remember much about it, and later, after I finished the fic and realized that my favorite character was Felix, I was thinking that I should read the part about Felix's past properly again later, and then I recently re-read that part...

So... so good.... I love the Felix storyline..... It's so interesting... I knew IM Alex was a badass (I really liked the Evil Author Day 2023 novella, so I read that a lot... I know it's a side novella, but I thought it had a great plot and the situation surrounding Bendy was interesting and I loved the Alex in it...) but I had forgotten all about the IM version of Kitty... WHAT?! Felix and EX relationship?!! What a crazy... Delicious (sorry for my taste buds) And it was Alex that caused them to break up? What the hell kind of crazy thing did Alex do that made Kitty feel guilty and Felix run away... Crazy! So delicious (sorry again)

I drew the original cartoon Felix and Kitty a while ago, and I feel weird because I drew them in an EX state in IM, and I feel a little sorry for them, but it's a worldview, right? The relationship between these two is so delicious... lol ahhhhh (yeah I love this kind of relationship too)

I also like villainous characters, so I'm very curious about Alex. Actually, he may not appear more, but after reading the above book... Of course, it may not have anything to do with the main story! To be honest, there's still a lot of information about the cult that hasn't been revealed, so I'm really curious to see what happens next.

Moving on to Felix... Felix was a ZANY superstar, but after Alex, he started to fall apart. Eventually, due to some sort of incident, Felix decided to give up on ZANY and left town. It's such an interesting backstory... But when I think about the early Felix, traveling the world after he left, I realize that he's so... Even better.

Giving up being zany and living with the things he was born with, like resilience and memory. I think he went through a lot of hardships... losing his wealth. He was really lost and confused, and then he met Professor Wilson, and he opened his eyes to archaeology, and he went to college, and he started studying, and he started doing archaeology, and he started adventuring... and that's how he became the skilled professional adventurer that he is today, and that's why I like him even more...

In fact, to be honest, the scene where he sees the last of Professor Wilson and he's so angry and fighting the cupbros, that was the first time I read that scene in the first book, I was surprised and bewildered because it was the first time I'd ever seen him this angry, and I was like, "Oh my god. Is this actually... Is this a fake Felix?" I was confused and then I was like, "What's wrong with Felix? He's fighting too much, that's too much!" But when I read it for the second time... I could relate to it now.... and I found the situation so interesting and I liked it... I liked Felix getting angry (this is just my selfishness... sorry to the cupbros) so much that I read it while screaming in my head. It's stimulating.

Wow...I talked a lot...I'm glad I reread it after a long time because there are so many elements I didn't notice back then. I should catch up and read it from the beginning, but you know, there are so many chapters...lol Anyway... I love Felix. I like cats and bunnies.... Of course, I also like the other friends!

I think the translator put too many and's in there... please understand the meaning and move on!

[fangirls-other-art]

Uhhhh I’ve recently reread the Jekyll and Hyde novel lol

And I decided to try a (slightly) different style

I might do more for Halloween or something, idk I just wanted to draw these ladies

Please Do Not Repost!

Reblogging is appreciated but not necessary ^^

And now, a tiny rant/explaination that no one will care about but I feel like I need to bring it up or some people might have questions lol;

From what I remember I don’t think Dr. Lanyon was ever given a first name in the book, if he did have name I forgot. I know he’s been given different names throughout the years, but I’m going off of the cartoon from the 1980s, and in that version his name is Dr. Haste Lanyon. After some research, I found that a feminine name similar to that in the 1800s was Hasty, so I used that. I apologize for any confusion, and honestly I’m not sure how much I like that name so I might very well change it, but as of right now her name is Dr. Hasty Lanyon.

And before anyone asks, yes, I have read ‘The Glass Scientists’ Comics, but I wanted to make my own designs. I have nothing against the artist and the writing, it’s still an amazing comic and I definitely recommend it to anyone who likes Jekyll and Hyde. (I haven’t really read in the past few years tho, I got caught up in life and found other interests. If I felt like going through three years worth of comics I’ve missed, I’d probably start reading it again, but alas I don’t feel like it lol. I still recommend it tho, it has a great storyline and a beautiful art style)

That’s all, thanks for reading my pointless explanation

[cocogum]

I found an odd scene in the Great Wave. (FIXED)

A few months ago, I was rereading chapter 7 of the Great Wave when I came across the scene where Amalia confronts Aurora and her father.

At first, nothing seemed to be amiss.

But as I kept looking at the panels more closely and squinted my eyes a bit, there was something off about one specific moment.

I was so confused that I even had to point the scene out to someone else just to make sure I wasn't seeing things.

And surely enough, @geekgirles also thought it was odd.

The scene we were talking about was this one:

Just as Amalia was threatening the royal osamodas, the king clearly looked a bit intimidated by her and is even seen backing away a bit as he raises an arm protectively for Aurora.

While his behavior made sense given how he had wrongly been accused of having poisoned Yugo, the same couldn't be said for his daughter.

Because unlike the king, who was worried, Aurora didn't look like that at all.

She was smiling.

I even compared the digital version and the physical copy just to see if one of them would look different than the other.

But surely enough, both scenes equally show her smiling.

*The first image is the physical copy and the second image is the digital version*

It is less obvious when we see it in the digital version due to all the pixels but the physical copy clearly shows it better.

I've literally never heard anyone else mention this before but now that you see it, you can't unsee it.

There can be no real explanation as to why she'd be smiling here. @geekgirles proposed that this could either be a nervous smile or just Aurora's delusional self thinking she has a shot against Amalia at all, but no matter how anyone could try to explain the reasoning, we all should agree that this panel doesn't look right.

No matter the circumstances, she should not be smiling here when she hadn't been smiling a second ago. She looked shocked when Amalia came straight at them, and now she's suddenly smiling???

Just strictly pay attention to only Aurora's facial expressions throughout the beginning and end of Amalia's confrontation with them.

She's shown in this entire scene to look shocked and offended. But the second Amalia screams at them, she automatically smiles???

It's extremely unnerving.

Not only does that smile randomly appear for like a second, but as soon as the chapter ends and the 8th chapter begins, Aurora's facial expression is seen back to normal once again. As if that off-putting smile never even existed.

Like....honey what.

What was up with that smile we saw a second ago?

How has it not been addressed or mentioned? You never see this out-of-place smile ever again.

Either this has intentionally been sprinkled in to make Aurora look even stranger, or this was simply an error.

If this was all mistake, then it's a weird one.

*for those who have the physical copy, go to the chapter and see her smile for yourself. it's literally there in plain sight*

EDIT: Omg turns out it WAS a mistake! Cathiane (the illustrator for the Great Wave) recently explained to me how it was due to the screentone. Since her face was really tiny in that panel, the original line art had been altered by the screentone points.

So before the alteration, she was supposed to look like this:

Now that makes so much more sense lol 😅

[tennessoui]

Been rereading time&tide recently. What a ride but I'm wondering what shape does the path of forgiveness take for Anakin when the options are so limited. Even in canon it just never seems to me like Anakin ever forgave obi-wan after the deception arc. It looms over them so much.

this is a great question with a bit of a complicated answer so far because tbh i don't know entirely yet! because the forgiveness part hasn't really been written down in notes on chapters yet, i feel like i still switch ideas and paths that these characters could go down whenever i consider the next few chapters (i.e., does anakin really leave the order?)

i do think that this next part of the story will not solely focus on anakin's grief and betrayal and feelings about it - time & tide IS a deception arc story, but it's not JUST a deception arc story because anakin didn't just carry on with his life until he found out about rako hardeen like in canon. in the fic, he also does things to the obi-wan in the past - not necessarily Bad™️ things of course, but with the identity shenanigans of anakin pretending to be someone else and starting a relationship with obi-wan when he knew he was vulnerable and going through grief of his own and then purposefully breaking his heart....like that's also a lot for obi-wan to process and maybe even want an apology for when he finally meets aristel again (or, an anakin who knows what it's like to be aristel)

which is not to say either that those things are on the same level of betrayal that faking one's death is, but it does make forgiveness more complicated and pure fury a bit more self-righteous in some ways imo

so basically time&tide's future isn't going to be obi-wan groveling for anakin's regard or anything so cathartically one-sided as all that. they need to have an honest conversation about all of it, not just taking turns yelling hurts at the other person

[thealexchen]

hi! i recently got back into lis2 again and that made me really curious - do you still agree with a majority of the critiques you made on lis2 in 2020? i know it's been 4 years since that post was made, but i actually do remember when you dropped this critique on a separate account and i'd thought it was an interesting one to keep in mind back then :)

i appreciated a lot of what you have to say, even if i respectfully disagree with almost all of it 😭 - i didn't want to drop a whole "why" i disagree discussion on here because it seems kind of rude to drop such a huge thing about it haha, but i would like to say that this critique actually did stick with me for a bit and i appreciate that you made it when you did! your account was a big lis2 acc that i remember back in the day, and i always loved seeing your posts!

Hi there and thanks for your ask! I think I may know who you are, but you did get me thinking about that critique again (has it been four years already?? Jesus). After rereading it again, I have to say my overall opinions haven’t changed… I’m just not as invested in them as I used to be.

Since DE came out, I’ve seen a drastic shift from favoring D9 to DN, but I really think the reception comes down to their creative choices (or lack thereof). When I gave my initial thoughts on DE in May, I said that D9’s games rely heavily on fanservice to be marketable, while LiS2 was divisive from the jump because it was so obviously rooted in DN’s prioritization of making a game out of passion and not what would sell well (a continuation of Max and Chloe’s story). People have mostly been complaining that DE feels written without much thought or care for the original game, with lazy offscreen narrative decisions. Unfortunately, I believe this output is really due to D9 being puppeteered by Square to “corporatize” this series to death, which I find really depressing.

When LiS1 first debuted in 2015, the gaming industry was still recovering from Gamergate (which proved how misogynistic it still was) and LGBT+ issues were finally achieving mainstream attention, both positive and negative. The media storm surrounding LiS1 all focused on how different it was. It was truly radical at the time to turn what would be a typical Sundance indie film plot into an interactive AA game and make it mainstream. I think both the positive attention from gamers starved for a story like this and the negative attention calling it “Life is Tumblr” contributed to its massive popularity and attention that hasn’t been matched since.

I have always, always believed (like since 2018) in LiS being an anthology series and letting Max and Chloe’s story end. “Farewell” was supposed to be that, and I was really excited to see what DN was making next and hopeful I could fall in love with LiS2 like I did the first game. Even if I found LiS2’s narrative choices really frustrating, I still respect DN for sticking to their vision. Honestly, Michel Koch deserves his flowers so much for staying active on Twitter through years of fan hate and complaining and posting consistently respectful replies, even as his own characters have likely become unrecognizable to him.

But while DN stuck to their vision about LiS2, I think the main contextual issue with the game (and where my critiques came from) is there was too much pressure to follow up an accidental hit. DN wanted to follow up LiS1 with an even bigger, more serious, more ambitious, maybe more “artistic” and “daring” game that was boldly political… but I just don’t think they achieved that. The game still looks beautiful, with a strong soundtrack, art direction, moments of calm, and great environmental storytelling like the first game. But while LiS1 lured you into a false sense of security with its cozy vibes and high school setting, only to blindside gamers with heartbreaking and shocking plot twists late in the game, LiS2 is just a misery fest from start to end in an attempt to be as serious and memorable as the first game. There isn’t enough joy and nostalgia (DN is SO good at nostalgia) to contrast the sorrow, and the game wasn’t as memorable or fun to play for me.

My main critique in 2020 was the game relies too much on a violent trauma narrative without proper research and content warnings. Looking back on it now, I think DN internalized the praise too strongly that LiS1 was daring and different. They tried to be even more topical and bold without regard to how actual players of color might react to the racial violence onscreen. In addition, I critiqued LiS2 for not showcasing the positive aspects of Sean and Daniel’s Mexican heritage to contrast all the racism, and I thought True Colors did a better job at including meaningful and positive cultural details for Alex and Gabe’s family. They likely didn’t think to research more carefully how to depict POC (and how the standards for sensitive representation might be different in the U.S. compared to France). American politics are also wayyyy more complex than what’s on the news, and have a massive historical, social, and economic background, and nowadays, I’ll cut DN some slack and say I think that’s too much to tackle for any game. Yes, DN could’ve done better, but I wouldn’t critique them as harshly today, and I know they had good intentions.

If the pressure to follow up LiS1 wasn’t there, maybe LiS2 could’ve been different. Maybe DN wouldn’t have bit off more they could chew, or maybe this game could’ve been made independently of the LiS series and judged on its own merit. A game like Tell Me Why shows how DN is at their best when they tell smaller, nostalgic stories and are able to do the right research and collaborate with the right consultants and actors. I hope Lost Records can be the same, since DN is pitching it from the jump as an anthology and likely their do-over of LiS as their own independent studio.

Thank you again for asking! It was nice to revisit my critique. If you’d still like to talk about it, I am down for a friendly debate!

[formula-fun]

What is the chance of us getting another snippet from the if i had words sequel? I recently reread both charles and max’s povs and was reminded of what a great fic it is🥹 your writing is absolutely incredible

hiii thank you so much <333 i have no idea anymore what ive posted and what i haven't, is this new??

In January, Max woke up with a jolt. 

It was one in the morning. The clock beside the bed said as much, the bright red almost painful to his eyes. He woke up like this sometimes, and usually it took a minute for his half-asleep brain to realize what was wrong. Not today; not this morning. The air smelled thick and coppery, and within a breath he was wide awake, panic clawing at his chest. 

“Charles,” he said, his voice too rough and too loud. He reached across the mattress, and for one terrifying moment his hand felt nothing. Then it felt a body, and for an even worse moment the body felt cold beneath his touch. “Charles,” he said, louder. His voice wobbled. 

The sheets shifted. “Quoi,” Charles groaned, his voice muffled against the pillow. 

Max’s hand found the back of his neck beneath the sheets—warm, his hair fine and downy there, his scar a thin ridge beneath Max’s thumb. With his other hand he flicked on his reading lamp, and Charles groaned again and pulled the sheets over his face. 

Max pulled them away without a second thought, cupping Charles’ face and raising it from the pillow. He looked fine. His cheeks were flushed from the heat of their winter comforter, and he smelled like the warm, contented heaviness of sleep. His eyes drifted open into a glare. 

“What?” he grumbled, then his face cleared as he registered the panic in Max’s eyes. “Max?” 

Charles smelled content and warm and sleepy. He also smelled like blood. 

“You—are you alright?” Max asked, scenting him. Charles let out a confused purr, one short burst of sound, more a soothing noise than one of contentment. 

“I’m fine,” Charles says, bewildered, then shifted upward. His eyes went a little wide, and he sat up all at once, kicking the blankets away. “Merde.” 

There was blood between his thighs, tacky and half dried. There was blood on the sheets—not a lot, but enough to make Max feel sick.

“It’s fine,” Charles said quickly, because Max’s scent must have been doing scary things. “I’m fine.” 

“Did you cut yourself?” 

“No.” 

“We’ll go to the hospital,” Max said, his head spinning. Blood clots, internal bleeding, cancer—they’d had sex last night. Had this been his fault? But it had been slow and gentle, and this had never happened before. 

“No, sometimes…no. I have heard that sometimes people miscarry in the first week if their body is not ready to have a baby. Probably I have had this.” At Max’s look of horror he offered him a weak smile. “It is not even a miscarriage, it is more like a rejection. A few days, a week—there is nothing there.” 

“Did you know?” Max asks, his voice small. 

Charles shook his head. “I would have told you. It isn’t even anything at a few days.” 

“Last time you kept saying that, too.” 

“No, I mean it. A few cells. Literally a few. I’m okay,” he insists. “I will go see the doctor tomorrow, but it is probably just this. There is nothing to worry about.” 

Max let out a huff, nuzzling at Charles’ throat until Charles threaded a hand through his hair. He smelled sleepy and safe, not an ounce of fear in his scent or his voice. Max took a deep breath, trying to force his heart to calm. 

“It’s okay,” Charles said, then kissed his cheek and pulled away. “I need to shower.” 

Max nodded. “Go,” he said softly. “Give me your clothes. I’ll do the laundry.” 

Half an hour later the sheets were changed and Charles was curled up in his arms in soft joggers and one of Max’s more threadbare shirts. He smelled like sunburns and long days at the beach and Max’s favorite soap, and he purred when Max squeezed him close. 

“I’m okay,” he said quietly as Max turned the lights out again. 

“I know,” Max insisted, but he held him even closer. He pressed his nose against the top of Charles’ head, soaking up his warmth, cataloging every bit of him that assured Max that he was alive and healthy and happy; that he was fine. 

Charles’ purr faded into nothing as he drifted off. Max laid awake for a long time, just listening to his breathing. 

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Justice for Barty Crouch Jr: Part 1/2

(Part 2)

This is a bit of a weird theory, and I'll confess, some of the evidence is not all that conclusive. But I didn't see anyone mention anything about this anywhere else...

When I reread the books recently, I noticed I really liked Mad-Eye Moody in Goblet of Fire. Moody in the fourth book is actually one of my favorite characters, he makes the top 10. But then I reached Order of the Phoenix and realized (again) that I hate Moody's guts.

The only conclusion I could draw was that I really liked Barty Crouch Jr. because, Moody in book 4, wasn't really Moody. So, I went back to Goblet of Fire to try and find out who Barty is, how his behavior as Moody, differed from the real deal in the later books, and why I liked him when I didn't like the real Moody.

And let's just say, I came to some interesting conclusions...

This post ended up being pretty long, so I've divided it up into two. But my thesis is:

Barty was a Death eater, but he didn't torture the Longbottoms.

He didn't want Harry to be hurt during the Tornoment and actually cared about him.

And I can prove it!

Reasons for Doubt

When reviewing all the scenes of Barty Jr, it was made clear pretty quickly that Barty wasn't really trying to fool anyone. Actually, he seemed to be actively sabotaging himself.

“Maybe someone’s hoping Potter is going to die for it,” said Moody, with the merest trace of a growl. An extremely tense silence followed these words. Ludo Bagman, who was looking very anxious indeed, bounced nervously up and down on his feet and said, “Moody, old man ... what a thing to say!” “We all know Professor Moody considers the morning wasted if he hasn’t discovered six plots to murder him before lunchtime,” said Karkaroff loudly. “Apparently he is now teaching his students to fear assassination too. An odd quality in a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dumbledore, but no doubt you had your reasons.”

(Goblet of Fire, page 279)

From the very beginning, Barty is outright telling everyone what happened. And exactly how:

“Because they hoodwinked a very powerful magical object!” said Moody. “It would have needed an exceptionally strong Confundus Charm to bamboozle that goblet into forgetting that only three schools compete in the tournament. ... I’m guessing they submitted Potter’s name under a fourth school, to make sure he was the only one in his category. ...” “You seem to have given this a great deal of thought, Moody,” said Karkaroff coldly, “and a very ingenious theory it is — though of course, I heard you recently got it into your head that one of your birthday presents contained a cunningly disguised basilisk egg, and smashed it to pieces before realizing it was a carriage clock. So you’ll understand if we don’t take you entirely seriously. ...”

(Goblet of Fire, pages 279-280)

He goes as far as to explain how he got Harry into the tournament. To the point even Karkaroff thinks it's strange Moody would bother putting so much thought into it. And he's right, it is super strange.

Barty shouldn't be explaining that to the people he is supposedly trying to deceive. It's so incredibly revealing and counterproductive. And it's not that Barty is stupid, he shows he is both intelligent and competent to a degree it's clear that if he really wanted to not be discovered he wouldn't be (he transfigured his father's corpse to a bone and buried it in the forest when he didn't wish to be found out, clearly, he can get away with murder when he wants to). So why all of this? Why try so hard to tell them exactly what's going on? Why is he showing his hand?

It won't be out of character for Moody to not mention all of it. He could not go into as much detail easily. But, he chooses to go into detail about the very method he used to get Harry chosen for the tournament. Like he's trying to get himself caught.

“So . . . whoever conjured the Dark Mark . . .” said Hermione slowly, “were they doing it to show support for the Death Eaters, or to scare them away?” “Your guess is as good as ours, Hermione,” said Mr. Weasley. “But I’ll tell you this . . . it was only the Death Eaters who ever knew how to conjure it. I’d be very surprised if the person who did it hadn’t been a Death Eater once, even if they’re not now. . . .

(Goblet of Fire, page 143)

This is an earlier note from Hermione, and I agree with her 100%. The goal of Barty when casting the Dark Mark isn't clear. We know he is a marked Death Eater, but so are Regulus and Snape. We know not all Death Eaters agreed with everything they did, and some of them had regrets. And it's kind of interesting this idea that Barty cast the Dark Mark to scare the attackers off was planted this early in the book.

“What — what are you doing?” said Professor McGonagall, her eyes following the bouncing ferret’s progress through the air. “Teaching,” said Moody. “Teach — Moody, is that a student?” shrieked Professor McGonagall, the books spilling out of her arms. “Yep,” said Moody.

(Goblet of Fire, page 206)

I wanted to add this scene just because of the "yep" as his response to McGonagall, but this entire conversation, actually is noteworthy. Why? Well, the mannerism.

Moody whom we meet in book 5 and onwards doesn't speak or act like this. The mannerisms and speech patterns we see in this conversation are 100% Barty Crouch Jr. And this isn't the only scene in which his own mannerisms peek through because he isn't putting much effort into his act.

Here are some examples of how Moody talks in book 5, for comparison:

“Well, congratulations,” said Moody, still glaring at Ron with his normal eye, “authority figures always attract trouble, but I suppose Dumbledore thinks you can withstand most major jinxes or he wouldn’t have appointed you. . . .”

(Order of the Pheonix, page 169)

“Yeah, well,” said Moody, “there’s something funny about the Potter kid, we all know that.” “Dumbledore seemed worried about Harry when I spoke to him this morning,” whispered Mrs. Weasley. “ ’Course he’s worried,” growled Moody. “The boy’s seeing things from inside You-Know-Who’s snake. . . . Obviously, Potter doesn’t realize what that means, but if You-Know-Who’s possessing him —”

(Order of the Pheonix, page 491)

He's more gruff, more blunt, more paranoid. He isn't as gentle with Harry and Ron as Barty was (I'll showcase some of these moments later). And he shows full faith in Dumbledore's decisions. Something, Barty doesn't do even when pretending to be Moody.

Some Background

I want to talk about Barty's trial and Azkaban sentence for a bit, along with his relationship with his father as it explains a lot about him as a character...

and a boy in his late teens, who looked nothing short of petrified. He was shivering, his straw-colored hair all over his face, his freckled skin milk-white. The wispy little witch beside Crouch began to rock backward and forward in her seat, whimpering into her handkerchief. Crouch stood up. He looked down upon the four in front of him, and there was pure hatred in his face. “You have been brought here before the Council of Magical Law,” he said clearly, “so that we may pass judgment on you, for a crime so heinous —” “Father,” said the boy with the straw-colored hair. “Father . . . please . . .” “— that we have rarely heard the like of it within this court,” said Crouch, speaking more loudly, drowning out his son’s voice. “We have heard the evidence against you. The four of you stand accused of capturing an Auror — Frank Longbottom — and subjecting him to the Cruciatus Curse, believing him to have knowledge of the present whereabouts of your exiled master, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named —” “Father, I didn’t!” shrieked the boy in chains below. “I didn’t, I swear it, Father, don’t send me back to the dementors —”

(Goblet of Fire, page 594)

Does this look like a hardened Death Eater who was happy to torture the Longbottoms and proud to serve his lord?

No, this is a terrified nineteen-year-old kid who was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.

Barty continues and calls:

“Mother!” screamed the boy below, and the wispy little witch beside Crouch began to sob, rocking backward and forward. “Mother, stop him, Mother, I didn’t do it, it wasn’t me!”

...

“No! Mother, no! I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it, I didn’t know! Don’t send me there, don’t let him!”

(Goblet of Fire, page 595)

Barty calls this as Bellatrix and the Lestranges are completely calm, taking credit for torturing the Longbottoms. Shouting at Crouch Sr, that Voldemort would return. Barty isn't doing that, he isn't the fanatic Death Eaters, he's a scared boy:

But the boy was trying to fight off the dementors, even though Harry could see their cold, draining power starting to affect him. The crowd was jeering, some of them on their feet, as the woman swept out of the dungeon, and the boy continued to struggle. “I’m your son!” he screamed up at Crouch. “I’m your son!” “You are no son of mine!” bellowed Mr. Crouch, his eyes bulging suddenly. “I have no son!” The wispy witch beside him gave a great gasp and slumped in her seat. She had fainted. Crouch appeared not to have noticed. “Take them away!” Crouch roared at the dementors, spit flying from his mouth. “Take them away, and may they rot there!” “Father! Father, I wasn’t involved! No! No! Father, please!”

(Goblet of Fire, page 596)

Barty keeps swearing he wasn't involved and that he didn't do it. that it wasn't him. Compared to how calm the three Lestranges are — it's clear something's up.

I think Barty is telling the truth here. I think he really didn't torture the Longbottoms.

Barty was still acting as a scared boy, just like in his trial, even in front of only dementors and Death Eaters, when there was no need to act. He is described by Sirius when he arrived in Azkaban:

I saw the dementors bringing him in, watched them through the bars in my cell door. He can’t have been more than nineteen. They took him into a cell near mine. He was screaming for his mother by nightfall. He went quiet after a few days, though . . . they all went quiet in the end . . . except when they shrieked in their sleep. . . .

(Goblet of Fire, page 528)

Barty was young and scared and kept to the same behavior even with no audience to convince — which means it wasn't a lie. It wasn't an act. He really didn't do it.

Sirius talks a little bit about Braty's childhood, his relationship with Crouch Sr and the events leading up to his trial:

“Crouch’s own son was caught with a group of Death Eaters who’d managed to talk their way out of Azkaban. Apparently they were trying to find Voldemort and return him to power.”

...

“Nasty little shock for old Barty, I’d imagine. Should have spent a bit more time at home with his family, shouldn’t he? Ought to have left the office early once in a while . . . gotten to know his own son.” He began to wolf down large pieces of bread. “Was his son a Death Eater?” said Harry. “No idea,” said Sirius, still stuffing down bread. “I was in Azkaban myself when he was brought in. This is mostly stuff I’ve found out since I got out. The boy was definitely caught in the company of people I’d bet my life were Death Eaters — but he might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, just like the house-elf.”

...

“...Crouch’s fatherly affection stretched just far enough to give his son a trial, and by all accounts, it wasn’t much more than an excuse for Crouch to show how much he hated the boy . . . then he sent him straight to Azkaban.”

(Goblet of Fire, page 528)

Barty, at the time of his trial and sentence, wasn't even for sure a Death Eater. He wasn't actually caught doing anything, he was caught with Death Eaters who escaped an Azkaban sentence, which means Death Eaters other than the Lestranges. This means he wasn't even caught on the scene of the Longbottoms torture, but somewhere else and unrelated. It proves even more that Barty was innocent regarding the torture of Frank and Alice.

We know he was a Death Eater because he could cast the Dark Mark. But, I think he wasn't involved in torturing the Longbottoms or anyone, for that matter. I don't think he had it in him before Azkaban and years of torment by his father.

The other thing of note is Crouch's treatment of his son. He was an absent father, caring more for his ministry position than his family. And we see later in GoF that Barty despises his father. I think he disliked him even before being kept under the imperious curse for years. I think that's what pushed Barty to become a Death Eater, it was something to spite his father. To create a distance between them.

His murder of his father during GoF is probably the only murder he wanted a part of. Actually, his father is the only person we know he killed. He didn't get the chance to kill the real Moody, and he never killed anyone else.

Once the boy [Barty Jr] had died, people started feeling a bit more sympathetic toward the son and started asking how a nice young lad from a good family had gone so badly astray. The conclusion was that his father never cared much for him

(Goblet of Fire, page 529)

More from Sirius that strengthens my former point. Barty joined the Death Eaters, in large to go against his father.

This vendetta against his father is the main reason I believe Barty chooses this plan to aid Voldemort. Well, there are some other reasons, but using the tournament is a good way for him to mess with his father's reputation. That same reputation that was more important to him than his own son.

As a Teacher and Mentor

A lot of fans like to say Remus Lupin was the best DADA teacher Harry had, I'd actually argue it was Moody (aka Barty). I'm saying that because Barty-as-Moody was the one who taught Harry many of the techniques and approaches he keeps going back to in the books.

The constant vigilance that saves him multiple times is from Barty, not the real Moody.

His resistance to the imperious curse.

When Harry quotes Moody in his head under certain situations for the advice he was given, it's not advice from the real Moody but from Barty:

He raised the cup to his lips and then, just as suddenly, lowered it. One of the horrible painted kittens behind Umbridge had great round blue eyes just like Mad-Eye Moody’s magical one, and it had just occurred to Harry what Mad-Eye would say if he ever heard that Harry had drunk anything offered by a known enemy

(Order of the Phoenix, page 630)

This above quote is based on Barty's advice in GoF, not the real Moody.

Barty made Harry think of becoming an auror. He was the one who convinced him he could become one:

“You ever thought of a career as an Auror, Potter?” “No,” said Harry, taken aback. “You want to consider it,” said Moody, nodding and looking at Harry thoughtfully. “Yes, indeed . . . and incidentally . . . I’m guessing you weren’t just taking that egg for a walk tonight?” “Er — no,” said Harry, grinning. “I’ve been working out the clue.” Moody winked at him, his magical eye going haywire again. “Nothing like a nighttime stroll to give you ideas, Potter. . . . See you in the morning. . . .”

(Goblet of Fire, pages 477-478)

Barty did more for Harry's self-esteem than any other teacher.

“Now, that’s more like it!” growled Moody’s voice, and suddenly, Harry felt the empty, echoing feeling in his head disappear. He remembered exactly what was happening, and the pain in his knees seemed to double. “Look at that, you lot ... Potter fought! He fought it, and he damn near beat it! We’ll try that again, Potter, and the rest of you, pay attention — watch his eyes, that’s where you see it — very good, Potter, very good indeed! They’ll have trouble controlling you!”

(Goblet of Fire, page 232)

In the above scene, Barty is delighted by Harry's resistance of the imperious. He is so proud and fond. I already mentioned and will continue showing how Barty did very little acting when he pretended to be Moody, as such, I don't think he's pretending here either. I think he actually is delighted.

And, I mean, think about it, why would a servant loyal to Voldemort teach Harry Potter how to resist the imperius? Why would he keep practicing with him throughout the year to make sure he was good at it? Why make sure Harry knows people would want to control him and he should make it hard for them?

The only conclusion I can come to is that he is trying to help Harry from a limited position. Why and How will be discussed later.

Neville was standing alone, halfway up the passage, staring at the stone wall opposite him with the same horrified, wide-eyed look he had worn when Moody had demonstrated the Cruciatus Curse. “Neville?” Hermione said gently. “Neville, what — ?” But an odd clunking noise sounded behind them, and they turned to see Professor Moody limping toward them. All four of them fell silent, watching him apprehensively, but when he spoke, it was in a much lower and gentler growl than they had yet heard. “It’s all right, sonny,” he said to Neville. “Why don’t you come up to my office? Come on . . . we can have a cup of tea. ...” Neville looked even more frightened at the prospect of tea with Moody. He neither moved nor spoke. Moody turned his magical eye upon Harry. “You all right, are you, Potter?” “Yes,” said Harry, almost defiantly. Moody’s blue eye quivered slightly in its socket as it surveyed Harry. Then he said, “You’ve got to know. It seems harsh, maybe, but you’ve got to know. No point pretending ... well ... come on, Longbottom, I’ve got some books that might interest you.”

(Goblet of Fire, page 219)

And he wasn't only the best DADA teacher for Harry, he was the best teacher for Neville too. He actually helped the son of the Longbottoms he was sent to Azkaban for torturing.

Just, he is the only adult attempting to build up Neville's confidence in himself and his abilities. He encourages Neville's love of Herbology and doesn't ridicule him like most other adults in Neville's life.

Also in the above quote, he clearly wants to tell Harry more. "but you’ve got to know", he says. He is trying to prepare Harry for what's to come. Why would he do that if he wants him dead?

As a Defender of Harry

To continue off Barty actually steps up to defend Harry a lot throughout the book. Even at times, he won't necessarily have to. I mean, the real Moody was never this protective of Harry. Sure, he kept him safe, but he didn't really care for Harry's feelings and self-esteem. Barty did.

“Yeah, that’s Harry Potter,” said a growling voice from behind them. Professor Karkaroff spun around. Mad-Eye Moody was standing there, leaning heavily on his staff, his magical eye glaring unblinkingly at the Durmstrang headmaster. The color drained from Karkaroff’s face as Harry watched. A terrible look of mingled fury and fear came over him

(Goblet of Fire, page 258)

He's scaring Karkaroff and the Durmstrang students away from Harry. The moment before this quote had the Durmstrang students and Karkaroff noticing Harry for the first time as they were leaving the Great Hall on the day they arrived at Hogwarts. They all freeze and stare at Harry, knowing his story and probably about to ask him questions, it's not like Karkaroff would've done anything in the Great Hall. But Moody (Barty) steps in to fend off Harry's discomfort! Hes not even in actual physical danger! Just discomfort!

Harry hesitated. He’d been afraid of this — but he hadn’t told Cedric, and he certainly wasn’t going to tell Moody, that Hagrid had broken the rules. “It’s all right,” said Moody, sitting down and stretching out his wooden leg with a groan. “Cheating’s a traditional part of the Tri-wizard Tournament and always has been.” “I didn’t cheat,” said Harry sharply. “It was — a sort of accident that I found out.” Moody grinned. “I wasn’t accusing you, laddie. I’ve been telling Dumbledore from the start, he can be as high-minded as he likes, but you can bet old Karkaroff and Maxime won’t be. They’ll have told their champions everything they can. They want to win. They want to beat Dumbledore. They’d like to prove he’s only human.”

(Goblet of Fire, pages 343-344)

Moody is glad Harry knows about the dragons, and that could be explained by wanting him to win so he could get to the graveyard (that plan had so many problems in it that I'll get to later) but that isn't the only thing he reveals here. He calls out Dumbledore and his attitude. He shows his dislike towards Dumbledore and his moral flexibility regarding cheating - two things the real Moody will never say. And he would definitely not phrase them like this. This whole conversation — that's all Barty.

Barty, who is actually encouraging Harry and belittling Dumbledore.

That sentence about proving Dumbledore's human, I think Barty shares that feeling. He agrees with the other headmasters on that. Even if he hates Karkaroff's guts.

Because he actually does hate all the Death Eaters that got away genuinely, but not for the same reasons as, let's say, Bellatrix. Bellatrix dislikes them for their lack of loyalty to their lord; Barty hates them out of envy.

Barty was sent to Azkaban for his mark even if he never tortured or killed anyone. And these other Death Eaters, ones he might know killed or tortured, got out scott-free. He was fought alongside them and still sent to the dementors instead of being let go. And he is bitter.

Also, important to remember, that a year in Azkaban and then twelve years under the Imperius curse didn't leave him unscathed. He is not mentally or emotionally well or anything close to it when we meet him in the books.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you,” said Moody gruffly. “I don’t show favoritism, me. I’m just going to give you some good, general advice. And the first bit is — play to your strengths.” “I haven’t got any,” said Harry, before he could stop himself. “Excuse me,” growled Moody, “you’ve got strengths if I say you’ve got them. Think now. What are you best at?”

(Goblet of Fire, page 344)

I love this scene. Like, this is the first ever time an adult with authority, a teacher, tells Harry how great he is. I talked about the fact Harry is clever and magically powerful but has really low self-esteem. And Barty actually argues with him. Bart (as Moody) makes him believe he could become something. That he has things he is good at.

One of this book's antagonists is the first person to tell Harry he has strengths. That's just all levels of messed up.

It shows Barty Crouch Jr actually does more for Harry's emotional well-being than any other professor he had. More than McGonagall, more than Lupin. Actually, the only adult who tries to help Harry with more care than Barty, is Sirius Black, Harry's godfather. It's just insane that Barty, a Death Eater, actually understood Harry and went out of his way to help with his insecurities and make him comfortable more than Molly Weasley did.

Now, let's talk about the Farret Incident because it's interesting too. both regarding his defense of Harry and his hatred of the Death Eaters that got away.

“I don’t think so!” roared Moody, pointing his wand at the ferret again — it flew ten feet into the air, fell with a smack to the floor, and then bounced upward once more. “I don’t like people who attack when their opponent’s back’s turned,” growled Moody as the ferret bounced higher and higher, squealing in pain. “Stinking, cowardly, scummy thing to do. ...”

(Goblet of Fire, page 205)

Barty steps in to defend Harry because he does it a lot. It's why I placed this moment in this section. One would expect someone who wants Harry to die to not mind if he was cursed a bit, it's not like Draco was about to kill him, but no, he defends him even when no one sees him there.

But specifically in this incident, I want to mention how personal he gets about this. Barty's disdain towards the Death Eaters that escaped Azkaban is very real and very dangerous to Draco. He's furious they didn't need to spend a year in hell on earth only to then be enslaved by a curse for 12 years by their father who kept them like a dirty secret in the basement.

As I mentioned above, I don't think Barty is mentally sound, but I think he genuinely cares about Harry and didn't torture the Longbottoms.

In the next post, I go through the final scene of Barty in the book, and explain the whole plan Barty had.

Part 2 >>

[magpiefngrl]

halfway through 2024 book review

June isn't over yet but I'm looking at a couple of very busy weeks so it's unlikely I'll read a gazillion new books or something by end of month. So we do this now!

books I enjoyed so far

Aliette de Bodard's Dominion of the Fallen series, set in a post-apocalyptic Paris with fallen angels and magic and dragons in the Seine. I didn't quite love the three main novels, but I enjoyed how unique the world-building was. However, I REALLY loved the last two novellas about Asmodeus and his husband Thuan, who are a delicious pairing. The novellas are: Of Charms, Ghosts and Grievances and Of Dragons, Feasts and Murders.

Pacat's Dark Heir, which I enjoyed so much that I went back to reread Dark Rise and then again, Dark Heir. I liked the second novel a lot more than the first (and I actually ended up appreciating the first novel more on my reread). Needless to say, I am very, very impatient about the end of the series.

A Nobleman's Guide to Seducing a Scoundrel. KJC has done it again. The sequel to her Doomsday Books series is fantastic, with a vivid cast, an excellent main pairing, and superb pacing. Couldn't put it down. A great historical m/m romance.

The Warrior's Apprentice by Lois McMaster Bujold. I'd heard a lot about Miles and it was fun seeing him bullshit his way across the galaxy.

The Mountains of Mourning by Lois McMaster Bujold. A novella in the Vorkosigan saga. Very touching and emotional and a great character study of Miles. Really loved this.

Newcomer by Keigo Higashino. This dude is seriously amazing at crafting unusual murder mysteries. This one is structured as vignettes of shop-owners in a Tokyo neighbourhood and, as the stories progress, more light is shed on the mystery of a strangled woman.

Faithful Place and The Secret Place by Tana French. Fantastic prose, absorbing murder mysteries that are more like deep character studies as well as an incisive portrait of contemporary Ireland.

The Lady of the Lake by Andrzej Sapkowski. This is pretty grim at times, ngl, but it has a daring structure with lots of POVs, switching between numerous timelines, a frame device, lots of found materials (essays and chapters from fictional books). All that worked for me very well. I love some experimentation with craft. I wouldn't say it was my fave read, but I'm happy that I finally reached the end; completing a series always gives me a dopamine rush so yay

progress on my reading goals

A reminder that my two goals for the year are:

to read (some or all of) the Vorkosigan saga

to read less or no US authors

I'm doing pretty well on those two scores. Read a few installments of the Vorkosigan saga, and (besides Bujold and a poetry anthology by Maggie Smith) have read no other US-based authors. My intention was to diversify my reading and, indeed, so far, I've read French, Japanese, Polish, UK, Australian, Irish, and currently reading a Ukrainian author.

fics I loved

I've not read as many books as I normally do so far, esp in the last couple of months, but I read a lot more fic than recent years. I've read some fab stuff in a variety of fandoms. The fics I'm going to rec below are the longer ones that I read on my ereader:

Tarnished Gold by Prim_the_Amazing (bingqiu/svsss, M, 118k) Inventive premise. Couldn't put it down.

Memory (T, 23k) and Out of the Dead Land (M, 62k), both stucky, both orphaned by one of my top authors ever. The second one gave me the worst fic hangover I had in ages. I had to go and rewatch Captain America.

contrapasso by damagecontrol (jegulus, E, 41k) Very horny. I like that.

Fire Burn and Caldron Bubble by pastapug (jegulus, E, 40k) Lush language, fascinating setting.

Beholden by Faith Wood (faithwood) (drarry, E, 123k) Gave me all the drarry feels.

Shout out to @hoko-onchi-writes's WIP: To Hold You in the Earth's Unholy Din, which I am loving <3

That's all, folks. Here's hoping for more wonderful reads till December!

[angelpuns]

I know we are kinda focusing on your aus which are also great! But! I wanna ask about robot boy cause I miss him(L330-N)

SO!!!

•How did L33 know Casey needed help when he saved him? Was he following at a distance?

•does lil casey get to ride the tall robot? I think the idea is cute

•why is L33 in a record store?

•can L33 turn back on easily? What caused him to shut down? The ninpo?

•do the metal parts of him need to charge or need batteries?? Or is it only ninpo powered?

•if the robot "suit" ever breaks will Leo's soul pass on?

(Fr fr I DO ADORE LIL HATER AND KID LEO THEY ARE THE CUTIES EVER! BUT! I RECENTLY REREAD THE ROBOT AU! AND I LIVE THINGS BY ASKING THINGS!)

I also miss L330-N!! I was just telling someone last night about how I would love to work on L330-N again, but I just don't have the time and I have a lot of complicated/difficult things I wanna draw :/ Ireally do miss that guy smh

Eventually I'll get back to it!! Once Kid Leo is over or I have more time. or both :)

Yep, he absolutely was. He was worried somehting might happen toi the first actual live person he's met in like...literally ever, so he was following from a bit of a ways away.

Yep! He doesn't LIKE to, cause he still really doesn't consider them friends. L33 just might know where the Hamatos are, so Casey is keen on being nice to him. And sometimes his little legs get tired and he needs to be carried :)

He likes music! He's actually been there for a fairly long time, maybe a little over a month? It was both safe from raoming krang dogs and he got to enjoy something "human". He's kinda just been sitting around listening to different records to see what kind of music he likes. So far his favorites are Queen, Mr. Blue Sky and a select few electronic type songs that he thinks he doesn't really like so much as they're just comforting for some reason.

That's a bit of a spoiler ;) But I will say he powered down due to the electric shock! His systems were given a bit of a power override so he'll need to cool down for a while. He will probably turn on soon though ;)

L33 isn't sure how he's powered. He knows he has some sort of power source, but he himself isn't really sure of what it is. Just that there's a deep hum of some sort of current inside him. He does need to rest from time to time, though. He can sometimes feel that power source weaken and knows that means he needs to shut off for a bit and rest - which, a s aside note, L33 can willingly shut himself down or go into sleep mode. He has some sort of internal timer set up that he can't control that will eventually wake him - sort of like an internal clock in a human! I can't say much else cause spoilers but yeah :)

That deoends on if his ninpo/soul is actuallly tied to it, which, no one ever really found out :) L33 himself doesn't really know what will happen if he "breaks" either, and it kind of scares him. Spoilers as well ;)

I'm glad you enjoy L330-N so much! I really really love robots and love drawing him, I jus thaven't had the time to work on a more complex comic (drawing wise I mean) in a while so it's been hard to focus on him ;-;

[omgpoindexter]

more nurseydex fics!!!

i’ve been doing my duty properly and reading some different nurseydex fics on ao3 lately 🫡 i tried to find some that are more recent, however i inevitably found some that are older but slipped through the cracks for me.

here are some of the ones i came across that you need to read! i might make this a thing again if anyone is interested, im sure y’all have been much more on the ball with reading nurseydex fics than i have over the years but i do love reccing <3

suddenly this summer it’s clear by @dessertwaffles

The summer before senior year, Nursey and Dex become closer than ever.

Or, Nursey and Dex's developing relationship, as told through their text messages.

i was absolutely grinning the entire way through this. it’s a texting fic, with images rather than plain text (so clever!) but their personalities are so strong and their interactions are just perfect! and you know i love a texting fic

getting used to letting go by @jennybeantime

Dex was supposed to have a fancy job in some city upon graduation, but his plans changed once his uncle died and left the family home in Maine to him. Without immediate obligations of their own, Nursey, Chowder and Farmer follow Dex up there to help him clear it out and clean it up.

this fic is BEAUTIFUL. if you haven’t read it then please do yourself a favour and do it now. it captures certain feelings and emotions so effortlessly and i felt like i was in a little maine bubble living this story with them. i can’t believe i missed this one before, please please read!!

got the feeling you’re the right thing after all by @bisexualnursey

Two and a half years after he breaks up with Dex to go to grad school across the country, Nursey runs into him again when he visits New York for the holidays. What starts as them just rekindling their friendship quickly turns into a whole other thing: a 100% no-strings-attached friends with benefits arrangement while they’re in the same city.

Which is totally chill because Nursey is definitely over Dex. He swears. He’s going back to California soon anyway.

i seriously CANNOT BELIEVE i never read this before but i think i was in my inactive era when this was posted. it’s just so perfect!!! all the feelings and interactions with not only dex and nursey but all the other characters, friends and family, they all felt so real and i loved them so much. i’ll be rereading this a LOT! you should too!!

here i am (leaving you clues) by @averteddeyes

Will loves Nursey. Nursey loves Will. Will isn’t really quite sure how to deal with it.

(Alternatively: Will learns acceptance through poetry, hesitant communication, and brightly colored sticky notes.)

this is really gorgeously written. angst warning, because ouch!!! also poetry as a love language, like a really good selection of poetry, i really enjoyed it and how it weaves into the story. and the bittydex friendship is so important to me!!!

volta by @plusoultres

volta (n.) a turning point or point of change in a poem, most commonly a sonnet.

Or, five times a poem doesn’t reach its intended recipient, and one time it does; five drafts, and one work completed; five turning points, and one ending.

the second fic was inspired by this one, and thank goodness it was because this one totally slipped through the cracks and i’m so glad i read it. their banter is just brilliant and i love the variation in medium, and the poetry is beautiful! i could quote lines from this but im not going to. just. read it

things got weird (when we made out) by @andtimestoodstill

Nursey is being stupid about this. He knows he’s being stupid.

super fun and really cute, i love it when these two are just being idiots. great inclusion of the other teammates too. read it for this line alone: “[You’re doing] That thing where you forget to look like you hate Dex and just stare at him like some Victorian lady who just saw a hot dude for the first time.” because it made me laugh out loud

things that go bump in the night by @smashthatlikebitty

The first time it happens, Dex rolls over and flings so many obscenities in Nursey’s direction that even his Grandmother would have to sit down — and she cursed so much at Dex’s cousin’s wedding that the whole family has been banned from that church ever since.

Nursey just stills in the dark, one shoe off. A languid, infuriating presence. “Chill, man.”

essentially all the times nursey’s clumsy ass wakes dex up in the night. oh how i love pretending these two roomied their way into a relationship! this is so cute, smiled all the way through

some things take two people to build by @cricketnationrise

“You are the single most dramatic person I have ever met,” Dex mutters, trying valiantly to hide his grin.

Or, 5 times Dex wishes their relationship was real +1 time he doesn't have to

this was so fun, yet again i love them being idiots!!! these two in new york city is so important to me. and i for one would LOVE to read the work party 5+1 fic. just saying

[bazeartstuff]

A Cruel God Reigns Stuff

Hello.. this functions as a repaint of sorts. I read Hagio Moto's A Cruel God Reigns more than 4 years ago and it always stuck with me as some of the most harrowing and depressing manga I had ever read... I recently reread it and discovered even more to appreciate about its torturously evil narrative. So much so that I frantically wrote about arguably the most grueling thing to read about... Ian and Jeremy's relationship.. I find that there is unfortunately not much discourse about this manga online, so if you'd like to hear some random person's opinion, then it's attached under the cut.

About the painting itself.. I'm not really too happy with it (what artist is satisfied with their own painting, really..) but I think Jeremy came out very well, which was all I really wanted tbh. I added in Ian and that as a means to try painting him, but I only intended the painting to be a more literal repaint of the older one. I'm happy to say that I've finally figured out how to paint pale people, lmao. And I'm happy that Jeremy looks so corpse-like. I'm happy with his face.

I also used a Gouache brush set I didn't really understand how to use here and I found myself to be very happy with my experiments with it. I will use it more whenever I paint.

Anyway, if you can believe it, more rambles under the cut (the manga discussion).

TW//discussions of SA

Ian and Jeremy's relationship is definitely weird, and not just because of the incestuous undertones but also because of the dynamics at play by the end; I think it's relevant that Jeremy a) seems to love (in the romantic sense, considering how Ian's lips are described as warm to him, as opposed to the cold lips of most) and be affected by Ian and b) also seems to consider sex as punishment. From the beginning of their sexual relationship, Jeremys only rationale for continuing is the belief that he needs to be punished for being a murderer, and Ian is the only one who can do this. And the punishment is sex. Moreover, Jeremy's perspective of love is obviously influenced by the "love" he experienced by Greg; a love that is violence. Because of this, Jeremy is afraid to love others because of his natural aversion to violence. From Jeremy's perspective, he seems to continue the relationship with Ian initially because of this desire for punishment and his underlying desire for Ian. However, upon the closure he seems to receive from visiting Sandra's grave and the discussion on the nature of love he has with Ian, he becomes more open to the idea of being in love with Ian. However, I can't shake off that by nature of their relationship being occasional rather than consistent, there still remains that element of habitual punishment to Jeremy.

This is Jeremy's perspective on the relationship, which I feel is more complex and what makes the relationship itself so difficult to understand. This is obviously in part because Jeremy himself is difficult to understand as a consequence of everything he went through. However, his beliefs about love being vindictive and that sex is punishment are I believe quintessential.

Going to Ian, I think it's a lot easier of a story. Between the two of them, Ian is absolutely reprehensible. As peaceful as the ending seems to depict the two, it's undeniable that Ian is sinister in the way he abuses Jeremy. I can't say that the ending is happy. However, I dont disbelieve that that might be intended; I think the greatness of this manga comes from its portrayals of broken people as imperfect. Healing is not linear, and it is not sensical. Jeremy has assuredly healed, he has gotten better, but this doesn't erase the deep scar that will remain on his perspective on life and his prospective relationships with others. Once again I digress to Jeremy, who genuinely is a very fascinating character. I was supposed to talk about Ian, so I'll say it; he's controlling and takes after Greg in that regard. As rational and reasonable as Ian is, as seemingly open to criticism as he pretends to be, as understanding as he posits to be, ultimately Ian wants things to go his way and he's very much subject to his own impulses. His way is having control over Jeremy and his impulses are his desires for Jeremy (whether it stems from guilt or responsibility, it ultimately becomes irrelevant once Ian's heart is set on Jeremy). This is most emblematic in the final trip he goes on with Jeremy, where he makes an advance despite promising he wouldn't. As a means to justify himself, he believes Jeremy being aroused was essentially a go ahead for him. All he wants is Jeremy to be his own, and he doesn't truly care what Jeremy says in a moment of passion. In this regard, it's undeniable that Ian is an abuser. The countless times that he betrays and hurts Jeremy are stomach churning to read. But what's worse is, despite all this reprehensibility, Ian is not as plainly evil as Greg. It's not power that motivates him or a desire to control. I believe he genuinely loves Jeremy, but his love does not entail respecting Jeremy's agency.  I also think that Ians initial obligation to Jeremy was the idea that he wanted to fix him, which likely stemmed from his denial that anything had happened at all (if he fixes him, then all can be well, and he won't have to come to terms with the broken Jeremy). The entire time where they're "stranded" and basically having sex like rabbits was likely Ian's attempt to force Jeremy to have a regular perspective on sex and love again. But of course, Ian, being the controlling person he is, does it only to satisfy the belief that he's helping rather than truly trying to help Jeremy (because seriously, how is forcing yourself onto a victim of SA helping them?) I really hate Ian, but it's more because he's unfortunately not wholly evil. I realize that I initially implied that Ian was more simple than Jeremy, but upon further consideration, he's probably even more hard to understand than Jeremy because his seemingly good intentions lead to abhorrently abusive outcomes.

This manga has so much going for it in terms of subject matter and discussions, and the two key characters are evidently extremely complex to the extent that having read the manga two times I still find myself pondering. The postulating on love from the perspective of someone whose only known a perverted version of it is fantastic and harrowing. Ian also acts as the perfect example to Jeremy of how violent love seems, considering how often Ian's thoughts and actions turn to violence around Jeremy (and I consider Ian forcing himself onto Jeremy violence too, of course). There's also a whole can of worms with Ian and Jeremy's relationships with their respective mothers, which seems to just be a consistent throughline with Moto's work.

Also, a small consistent detail I enjoyed was how quickly Jeremy is able to lie and cover up the abuse he faced with benign situations. And how this eventually clashes with Ian, who finds it weird that Jeremy lies and takes responsibility when it's his fault (I recall the one time Ian hit Jeremy and Jeremy quickly explained it as an injury from PE, to which Ian immediately denies and says it was him who did It). However, by the end, I think Ian somewhat participates In that instinctual lying (but maybe I misremember). There's a lot to appreciate about the writing. 

If you read this far, and also have opinions, do share! I really liked hearing my friend's first impression upon reading this pretty out-there manga, so...

[phdmama]

I'd absolutely love some sterek fic recs because I'm trying to broaden the ships I read. I've watched the first 3 seasons of teen wolf but haven't read any fics and don't know where to start. I'm fairly open to reading any content, although I'm not the biggest fan of like the common school/coffee shop etc AUs.

Also I love how you're gotten into blogging hockey recently. Have you read any hockey rpf since getting into nhl? Personally sidgeno and mattdrai have my heart, but like I said I'm looking for new ships to read like sterek.

WOOOO LET'S GOOOO!!

As always, read the tags etc etc. Probably a lot of these will be author recs. I will say Sterek has the potential for an age gap concern but I don't read fic where that's written as a predatory thing, FWIW, but I do read some where Stiles is 17 but where I feel like it's handled at least somewhat gracefully

Gravity's Got Nothing on You by @zosofi is great - I really like all their stuff actually!

@kalpurna's Fascination and @drunktuesdays' bigger, longer and uncut are both *gems* - so funny.

We've Written Volumes (in Blood and Scars and Ink) by @notthequiettype is absolutely brilliant, one of my fav fics of all time, way up on my reread regularly list. They only have one other Sterek but I love that one too (and they write hockey rpf but I haven't really dived in there yet!).

The Moon's Gonna Follow Me Home by @turningterrific is stunning. They're SUCH a good writer, although sadly this is their only Sterek (but they have written some amazing hockey RPF as well!).

Every stumble and each misfire by @everchanginginks is fucking phenomenal. True story, I read this fic and then didn't keep track of it but it stayed in my brain, and I spent literally HOURS combing my AO3 history to find it, and when I did, I promptly downloaded it and created the "Best Ever" collection on my Kindle specifically for this fic.

Everything by @suburbanmotel. They are an incredible writer and even more incredible person and I'm so lucky to call them a friend!

I really love @lunacanislupus-22-blog writing but particular favorites are: Feel it like a fever, burning through the night , Spirit grows when love goes away and I know that you love me, even when I lose my head (and I'm not normally one for amnesia fics because they make me SO ANXIOUS but this one is SO good).

Cornerstone by Vendelin is really good too (mind the tags on this one).

By Any Other Name by @entanglednow is fucking phenomenal (and again with the amnesia fics?!?!) and so so well-written. Check out all their stuff!

I really love @devildoll's writing very much a lot! Particular favorites include: Come with Me and Walk the Longest Mile (and I don't usually gravitate to post-apocalyptic fic even though I love the genre in fiction but this one is fucking brilliant); Stand Fast in Your Enchantments (painful and so good); My Heart Comes Tumbling Down (OH MY HEART) and Love, Like a Sentence of Death.

There's Monsters at Home by @wellhalesbells | calrissian18 is a classic and really good! They've written a ton of really great fics (the Hilary Duff lyrics one is a another personal favorite!)

Not Quite Lost (Not Quite Found) by @alocalband is gorgeous. Just. beautifully written.

stuck in reverse by @crazyassmurdererwall is also really good! Definitely check the tags on this one, as it is Stiles still in HS.

Start Small, Like Oak Trees by smallbirds is really lovely. Everything of theirs that I've read, I've really liked.

Okay, just a couple more I promise!!

The Difficult Kind (series) by whiskey_in_tea is an old one but really really wonderful.

The First Date series by @halffizzbin - the whole thing is delightful but I absolutely adore the final installment!

I will note that many of these authors also have Hockey RPF fic, JUST SAYING (I really am fascinated as to what that pipeline is??). I've read a ton of hockey RPF as well (sidgeno for sure) and I'll check out mattdrai now!!

Anyway, hope this helps as a place to start!!

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Okay so. Now that I’m not thick in the Emotions this game was giving me, I have come to the realization that this game does SO good at portraying abuse.

So uh. Expect to see a lot (Lot) of talk about that, under the cut.

I’ll start with the most recent realization, which was how the cat was dictating your actions the entire time. It explicitly says so at the end: it was your narrator throughout this whole game. And then how you had to struggle through narrating your own actions at the very end? Solid.

Then, the second most recent realization: you may have ‘messed up’ in the very first ending, but the cat just goes on to show you that literally anything you could’ve done was the ‘wrong choice.’ It found enjoyment in watching you try again and again to see what you could’ve done differently: which is such a good way of telling the player that this isn’t on you. Often times people who are in abusive relationships are blamed for the violence inflicted upon them. If you dressed differently, went to bed instead of watching tv, made such-and-such for dinner instead of so-and/so, did whatever was the catalyst for your abuse differently, then it wouldn’t have happened. But this game is saying no! That’s not how it works! People who want to hurt you WILL hurt you, and it’s not your fault.

As an addition to that point, you cannot avoid doing something that will get you killed (well, except for the ending where you help your cat kill everyone else, but I digress). Even when you see the death coming, and choose the option that gets you away, you run out of things to do. You either have to stay in a single loop—or, well, daydream in this case—forever, or do something that makes the cat (or something else) kills you.

Then, the endings where you feed the cat your blood. It’s really interesting! These endings made me think of what it’s like being in an abusive relationship when you have a child. The choice of whether to risk an even greater abuse to—maybe even temporarily—protect someone who couldn’t protect themself, or whether to turn a blind eye and let your own abuse be temporarily paused, permanently stopped, minimized, or even just kept the same but importantly not made worse; it just reminds me of stories I’ve seen in the past. And you might think, well, you should obviously choose the first one, right? But the game does a good job of showing the dilemma someone who’s being abused might go through. See, if you choose the former option, you die. And as you say when dying: how can you protect anyone now? It’s the same with the mouse, when you choose to let it go. You saved one, for the price of one, and now the cat is free to kill as many more as it desires. And that’s not even considering the instinctive desire to protect oneself, or how the abuser might have changed how you look at the abuse. All this to say, it’s a pretty great portrayal of a dilemma that often shows up in abusive relationships that have a dependent involved (which doesn’t always mean a child, despite what I said in the beginning of this section).

Next up, the dog park. This is pretty heavily related to the first point; which, upon rereading, wasn’t expanded on enough, so let’s talk about it again. This section, the narration goes on and on a lot about how disgusting dogs are, how everything’d be so much better with the cat, and then even your visual perception of these dogs is altered to make them terrifying—part of an attempt to lure you back to the cat (not that you can. Actually do that, if you’re at this point). As part of the game, the cat’s influence is really obvious, and really direct. It’s literally, directly admitted to influencing your thoughts like this. But you don’t need magic or psychic powers, or whatever, in order to influence someone’s thoughts. And abusive people take advantage of that often! They tell you stories, or act a certain way, or inflict physical pain in order to make you view something positively or negatively. Like, if your abuser would curse out dogs all the time while drunk and slamming cabinets, or something. You might look at dogs and be reminded of the fear and paranoia you felt while the cabinets were slamming. (To give a simple example.)

Then, the endings where you almost feed the cat chocolate. These endings do a great job at exploring two different mindsets that abuse victims often have. One, that thoughts of doing something bad are nearly as reprehensible as doing the act itself. When you almost feed the cat chocolate—and by ‘almost’, I mean, you pull it out of your pocket while searching for food and then merely look towards the cat, the beginnings of consideration in your mind, before you stop—you’re wracked with guilt aaaalllll throughout the journey home, and the cats reinforce this guilt. And then this one is specific towards the ending where you ignore the cats, where you turn into a fish and realize now that you have a way to ‘repent’ for what you did. The cat is staring at you, and likely has the means to grab you, but what’s notable here is that you, on your own will, swim up to the surface. And even after you’ve sacrificed yourself, you find yourself feeling guilt that you couldn’t feed all the cats, couldn’t truly repent for what you’d “done.” Which, again, was literally just thinking about doing something, and even before you realized that it would be bad (not that that makes a difference, because thoughts aren’t bad 🔫). This is kinda similar to what happens when you let the mouse go, but that one is unique in that you: 1.) stay still. You don’t deliver yourself to your death like you do in the fish-transformation ending. 2) don’t say anything about regretting being unable to give the cat its fill. Probably because, well. You probably are able to.

And then of course, The ending. This is, most definitely, the least subtle thing ever. Even if I hadn’t happened to exit the game partway through (and then actually read the CWs upon reentering), this likely would’ve let me figure out pretty fuckin quick what was goin on.

I’m gonna split this into three parts: the beginning of the end, the end, and the post-end.

To begin my discussion of the former, I need to mention that the end is you not letting the cat (who, in case this wasn’t obvious by now, is your abuser) back into your home. This is a HUGE step for abuse victims. It’s, hard. Like, in this case it may have been due to magic, but the cat was literally rewriting your brain. Also, you’re lonely, and the cat provided at least some comfort. A helluva lotta pain, sure, but they gave you more comfort than you were receiving anywhere else. Not every situation is the same, but there’s almost always some big hurdle keeping you with the abuser. In this case, the game lets you climb that hurdle through the help of previous victims. This is good, because it avoids the pitfall of ‘to escape abuse you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.’ And, ‘the pain they inflict on you will be enough motivation.’ Like no! This wasn’t something you could do on your own!

Then for the second part, I’m first gonna talk about the lead up to the end: the chase scene, as you’re trying to get home. In that, the cat begs you to stay, saying they’ll die without you, that they’re nothing without you.

And here’s where I make the disclaimer that I’ve never been abused, nor have I ever abused. Furthermore, while I have read many accounts from people who have been abused, I have read very little from the perspective of the abuser (at least, ones that were from people who had recognized and accepted that they were abusive).

However, with this dialogue, it seemed like the cat really believed what it was saying. And from what I can tell, it seems like (SOME) irl abusers actually feel the same? They punish you because they worry that if you enjoy the world outside of them, then you’ll love it so much more and leave—and what would they do without you? And I say this, because then the ending of the game is teaching the lesson that: THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You staying with them did not help them get better. They had every chance, every single second you were together they could have chosen to change, and instead they chose to continue hurting you. Going back will not prove to them that they need to change or they will lose you: it will only tell them that they need to take away even more of your power so you CAN’T leave. Splitting up is not only the best thing that you can do for yourself, but it is the best thing you can do for them: even if they don’t seem like it.

Which is a great segue into the post-end. Because it really proves the point! You may have been lonely, but your abuser wasn’t your only option. You did find someone, and this one won’t kill you! :D I do have mixed feelings on the new cat being a black cat with their right eye gone though. One the one hand, it could potentially be interpreted as you letting your abuser, reformed(?), into your house. On the other, sndndinwjd. (<- that was initially a placeholder but you know what? I’m leaving it.)

For example, if you view its coat as a symbolism for a trait like gender, then choosing another black cat could be like dating another woman after your last abuser was a woman. The traits don’t make the abuser, yada yada. Very good! But since we’re dealing with cats, the creator would’ve had to deal with the issue that cats (especially in a simpler art style) Can Kinda Look Similar. And I know that if I, personally, had seen that image and the cat had both eyes, I would’ve immediately been like ‘oh sHIT THE ABUSER’S BACK—’ and had a mini heart attack. /j So. They were probably trying to find a way to make it obvious that THIS cat was not the abusive one.

But not only did you find someone better to replace the abuser with, you are just overall happier without them in your life, and the game did an excellent job of portraying this: by making you go through all the locations you already did. It was such a good parallel. Visiting any location while you were under your the cat’s paw you marred by anxiety and death. But visiting those same places on your own, after ditching it? You have fun times at every one! You even meet new people—and I really love the way the game handled that, because it could have suddenly made us outgoing and extroverted. But nope! We were an introvert walking in, and we’re an introvert walking out. That’s not a bad thing.

One final note that I realized while writing this, is that the game does a VERY good job of giving you a reason for sticking with the cat. See, I can’t think of any specific examples, but I feel like when most people see their main character in an abusive relationship they get frustrated by why they won’t leave. They, the player, can see what’s happening and see the means to escape. The character themself likely has a reason for staying, but the player doesn’t feel whatever emotions are behind that, so it’s pretty easy for them to either view the reason as ‘stupid,’ or to discount the reason altogether. To properly tell an abuse story, I think a really important aspect is being able to see why they wouldn’t leave. To feel, even a little bit, of what the victim is feeling. This game does that in two very simple, yet effective, ways. First, by making the abuser Cute and Smoll. There’s no har~m giving them a chance~! It’s an adorable kitty cat~ (And even when it does do bad things, it’s like “dohhh~ you didn’t know what you were doing~, did u my wittle cutie patootie~”) By virtue of it being adorable, many people immediately have a baseline bond with the cat, which is later made deeper by all the cute scenes, and the moments of backwards kindness in which the cat directly or indirectly helps you out in some way. The second, juxtaposing the first, is done by making the cat incomprehensibly powerful. You see for yourself the power it can, and is willing to, wield against you. Sure, most (and, hopefully, all) abusers don’t have this kind of eldritch power, but to many abuse victims, it sure may seem like it. Maybe it’s financial, or social, or maybe they’re just scarily good with guns: regardless, it tends to be a hurdle that feels impossible to overcome, though it may seem different to an outsider looking in. By making the abuser literally impossible to defeat until you’re given help by outside means (aka, the game, via the former victims), it places you right into the eyes of a victim gazing upon their abuser. This incomprehensible power pairs really well with the cuteness factor, by making the cat seem almost innocent in everything they do. Sure, they ripped me to shreds when my laser pointer was reflected to the back of my head; but they’re just a wittle kitty, how can I blame them for following their instincts~. Not every abuser has this veneer of innocence, but when it’s there it can make recognizing (as was my experience here lol) and reporting abuse to be extra difficult.