jinglyhigh-heels

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Had a dream last night. I tipped over a box I and my cat (we’ll call her Tiki) were in when I was getting out, but out ran not only Tiki, but Tiki’s sister who died almost a year ago, who we’ll call Taka; and the cat who helped raise them as kittens who we’ll call Moomoo (she looked like a cow lol).

I immediately figured out that it was a dream, and I gasped a grief-filled little gasp, then walked over to Taka. I got to pet for the first time in almost a year. She was so soft, and I almost started crying.

But as all creatures do, she had to leave. We were now in my living room, so she walked across the carpet and then turned behind the couch where I couldn’t see her. I knew this meant my visit was over. A little past where she had turned, was sitting Tiki. She was looking over at me where I had been petting Taka as if she knew what had happened. She seemed so sad. I can’t remember if I said anything, probably “Oh Tiki…” if anything, but I went over and starting comforting her, petting her. Her fur was so soft at first, but then it turned…old, if that makes sense; not as soft, and…more rough? This just made me even sadder; I had seen this dream as some kind of spiritual thing, where I got to see Moomoo and give Taka pets from beyond the grave, so this just made me think that Tiki was gonna pass soon.

And then I woke up. Bawled like a baby, obviously.

I’m choosing to believe that I actually got to pet Taka’s spirit even tho I don’t really believe in spirits lol, but that my ‘vision’ of Tiki’s near demise was just my anxieties.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

You ever just. Get into Tumblr to do something specific, get distracted for like 2 minutes by other posts, and then completely forget what you wanted to do? And then it doesn’t feel right to just leave it and go to bed

[jinglyhigh-heels]

If this post gets 80085 notes I will finally stop boymoding in public

[jinglyhigh-heels]

If this post gets 80085 notes I will finally stop boymoding in public

[jinglyhigh-heels]

If this post gets 80085 notes I will finally stop boymoding in public

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, 11x14

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Me: Ugh god I’m not handling this well at all. I go to work every day and I can’t do this anymore. Since I’m in college, I can just ‘quit’ and give myself summer break, but what am I supposed to do once I graduate? I’m hoping that liking what I do will help, but from what I can tell I just hate work. Even during the school year when I was just working half days on Friday and weekends, I was still barely forcing myself to go. I never have energy to do things outside of work. Where on the internet can I post about this and ask for advice?

The realization: that is literally just therapy. You want therapy.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

[jinglyhigh-heels]

@ammyeve

Okay so. Now that I’m not thick in the Emotions this game was giving me, I have come to the realization that this game does SO good at portraying abuse.

So uh. Expect to see a lot (Lot) of talk about that, under the cut.

I’ll start with the most recent realization, which was how the cat was dictating your actions the entire time. It explicitly says so at the end: it was your narrator throughout this whole game. And then how you had to struggle through narrating your own actions at the very end? Solid.

Then, the second most recent realization: you may have ‘messed up’ in the very first ending, but the cat just goes on to show you that literally anything you could’ve done was the ‘wrong choice.’ It found enjoyment in watching you try again and again to see what you could’ve done differently: which is such a good way of telling the player that this isn’t on you. Often times people who are in abusive relationships are blamed for the violence inflicted upon them. If you dressed differently, went to bed instead of watching tv, made such-and-such for dinner instead of so-and/so, did whatever was the catalyst for your abuse differently, then it wouldn’t have happened. But this game is saying no! That’s not how it works! People who want to hurt you WILL hurt you, and it’s not your fault.

As an addition to that point, you cannot avoid doing something that will get you killed (well, except for the ending where you help your cat kill everyone else, but I digress). Even when you see the death coming, and choose the option that gets you away, you run out of things to do. You either have to stay in a single loop—or, well, daydream in this case—forever, or do something that makes the cat (or something else) kills you.

Then, the endings where you feed the cat your blood. It’s really interesting! These endings made me think of what it’s like being in an abusive relationship when you have a child. The choice of whether to risk an even greater abuse to—maybe even temporarily—protect someone who couldn’t protect themself, or whether to turn a blind eye and let your own abuse be temporarily paused, permanently stopped, minimized, or even just kept the same but importantly not made worse; it just reminds me of stories I’ve seen in the past. And you might think, well, you should obviously choose the first one, right? But the game does a good job of showing the dilemma someone who’s being abused might go through. See, if you choose the former option, you die. And as you say when dying: how can you protect anyone now? It’s the same with the mouse, when you choose to let it go. You saved one, for the price of one, and now the cat is free to kill as many more as it desires. And that’s not even considering the instinctive desire to protect oneself, or how the abuser might have changed how you look at the abuse. All this to say, it’s a pretty great portrayal of a dilemma that often shows up in abusive relationships that have a dependent involved (which doesn’t always mean a child, despite what I said in the beginning of this section).

Next up, the dog park. This is pretty heavily related to the first point; which, upon rereading, wasn’t expanded on enough, so let’s talk about it again. This section, the narration goes on and on a lot about how disgusting dogs are, how everything’d be so much better with the cat, and then even your visual perception of these dogs is altered to make them terrifying—part of an attempt to lure you back to the cat (not that you can. Actually do that, if you’re at this point). As part of the game, the cat’s influence is really obvious, and really direct. It’s literally, directly admitted to influencing your thoughts like this. But you don’t need magic or psychic powers, or whatever, in order to influence someone’s thoughts. And abusive people take advantage of that often! They tell you stories, or act a certain way, or inflict physical pain in order to make you view something positively or negatively. Like, if your abuser would curse out dogs all the time while drunk and slamming cabinets, or something. You might look at dogs and be reminded of the fear and paranoia you felt while the cabinets were slamming. (To give a simple example.)

Then, the endings where you almost feed the cat chocolate. These endings do a great job at exploring two different mindsets that abuse victims often have. One, that thoughts of doing something bad are nearly as reprehensible as doing the act itself. When you almost feed the cat chocolate—and by ‘almost’, I mean, you pull it out of your pocket while searching for food and then merely look towards the cat, the beginnings of consideration in your mind, before you stop—you’re wracked with guilt aaaalllll throughout the journey home, and the cats reinforce this guilt. And then this one is specific towards the ending where you ignore the cats, where you turn into a fish and realize now that you have a way to ‘repent’ for what you did. The cat is staring at you, and likely has the means to grab you, but what’s notable here is that you, on your own will, swim up to the surface. And even after you’ve sacrificed yourself, you find yourself feeling guilt that you couldn’t feed all the cats, couldn’t truly repent for what you’d “done.” Which, again, was literally just thinking about doing something, and even before you realized that it would be bad (not that that makes a difference, because thoughts aren’t bad 🔫). This is kinda similar to what happens when you let the mouse go, but that one is unique in that you: 1.) stay still. You don’t deliver yourself to your death like you do in the fish-transformation ending. 2) don’t say anything about regretting being unable to give the cat its fill. Probably because, well. You probably are able to.

And then of course, The ending. This is, most definitely, the least subtle thing ever. Even if I hadn’t happened to exit the game partway through (and then actually read the CWs upon reentering), this likely would’ve let me figure out pretty fuckin quick what was goin on.

I’m gonna split this into three parts: the beginning of the end, the end, and the post-end.

To begin my discussion of the former, I need to mention that the end is you not letting the cat (who, in case this wasn’t obvious by now, is your abuser) back into your home. This is a HUGE step for abuse victims. It’s, hard. Like, in this case it may have been due to magic, but the cat was literally rewriting your brain. Also, you’re lonely, and the cat provided at least some comfort. A helluva lotta pain, sure, but they gave you more comfort than you were receiving anywhere else. Not every situation is the same, but there’s almost always some big hurdle keeping you with the abuser. In this case, the game lets you climb that hurdle through the help of previous victims. This is good, because it avoids the pitfall of ‘to escape abuse you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.’ And, ‘the pain they inflict on you will be enough motivation.’ Like no! This wasn’t something you could do on your own!

Then for the second part, I’m first gonna talk about the lead up to the end: the chase scene, as you’re trying to get home. In that, the cat begs you to stay, saying they’ll die without you, that they’re nothing without you.

And here’s where I make the disclaimer that I’ve never been abused, nor have I ever abused. Furthermore, while I have read many accounts from people who have been abused, I have read very little from the perspective of the abuser (at least, ones that were from people who had recognized and accepted that they were abusive).

However, with this dialogue, it seemed like the cat really believed what it was saying. And from what I can tell, it seems like (SOME) irl abusers actually feel the same? They punish you because they worry that if you enjoy the world outside of them, then you’ll love it so much more and leave—and what would they do without you? And I say this, because then the ending of the game is teaching the lesson that: THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You staying with them did not help them get better. They had every chance, every single second you were together they could have chosen to change, and instead they chose to continue hurting you. Going back will not prove to them that they need to change or they will lose you: it will only tell them that they need to take away even more of your power so you CAN’T leave. Splitting up is not only the best thing that you can do for yourself, but it is the best thing you can do for them: even if they don’t seem like it.

Which is a great segue into the post-end. Because it really proves the point! You may have been lonely, but your abuser wasn’t your only option. You did find someone, and this one won’t kill you! :D I do have mixed feelings on the new cat being a black cat with their right eye gone though. One the one hand, it could potentially be interpreted as you letting your abuser, reformed(?), into your house. On the other, sndndinwjd. (<- that was initially a placeholder but you know what? I’m leaving it.)

For example, if you view its coat as a symbolism for a trait like gender, then choosing another black cat could be like dating another woman after your last abuser was a woman. The traits don’t make the abuser, yada yada. Very good! But since we’re dealing with cats, the creator would’ve had to deal with the issue that cats (especially in a simpler art style) Can Kinda Look Similar. And I know that if I, personally, had seen that image and the cat had both eyes, I would’ve immediately been like ‘oh sHIT THE ABUSER’S BACK—’ and had a mini heart attack. /j So. They were probably trying to find a way to make it obvious that THIS cat was not the abusive one.

But not only did you find someone better to replace the abuser with, you are just overall happier without them in your life, and the game did an excellent job of portraying this: by making you go through all the locations you already did. It was such a good parallel. Visiting any location while you were under your the cat’s paw you marred by anxiety and death. But visiting those same places on your own, after ditching it? You have fun times at every one! You even meet new people—and I really love the way the game handled that, because it could have suddenly made us outgoing and extroverted. But nope! We were an introvert walking in, and we’re an introvert walking out. That’s not a bad thing.

One final note that I realized while writing this, is that the game does a VERY good job of giving you a reason for sticking with the cat. See, I can’t think of any specific examples, but I feel like when most people see their main character in an abusive relationship they get frustrated by why they won’t leave. They, the player, can see what’s happening and see the means to escape. The character themself likely has a reason for staying, but the player doesn’t feel whatever emotions are behind that, so it’s pretty easy for them to either view the reason as ‘stupid,’ or to discount the reason altogether. To properly tell an abuse story, I think a really important aspect is being able to see why they wouldn’t leave. To feel, even a little bit, of what the victim is feeling. This game does that in two very simple, yet effective, ways. First, by making the abuser Cute and Smoll. There’s no har~m giving them a chance~! It’s an adorable kitty cat~ (And even when it does do bad things, it’s like “dohhh~ you didn’t know what you were doing~, did u my wittle cutie patootie~”) By virtue of it being adorable, many people immediately have a baseline bond with the cat, which is later made deeper by all the cute scenes, and the moments of backwards kindness in which the cat directly or indirectly helps you out in some way. The second, juxtaposing the first, is done by making the cat incomprehensibly powerful. You see for yourself the power it can, and is willing to, wield against you. Sure, most (and, hopefully, all) abusers don’t have this kind of eldritch power, but to many abuse victims, it sure may seem like it. Maybe it’s financial, or social, or maybe they’re just scarily good with guns: regardless, it tends to be a hurdle that feels impossible to overcome, though it may seem different to an outsider looking in. By making the abuser literally impossible to defeat until you’re given help by outside means (aka, the game, via the former victims), it places you right into the eyes of a victim gazing upon their abuser. This incomprehensible power pairs really well with the cuteness factor, by making the cat seem almost innocent in everything they do. Sure, they ripped me to shreds when my laser pointer was reflected to the back of my head; but they’re just a wittle kitty, how can I blame them for following their instincts~. Not every abuser has this veneer of innocence, but when it’s there it can make recognizing (as was my experience here lol) and reporting abuse to be extra difficult.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Okay so. Now that I’m not thick in the Emotions this game was giving me, I have come to the realization that this game does SO good at portraying abuse.

So uh. Expect to see a lot (Lot) of talk about that, under the cut.

I’ll start with the most recent realization, which was how the cat was dictating your actions the entire time. It explicitly says so at the end: it was your narrator throughout this whole game. And then how you had to struggle through narrating your own actions at the very end? Solid.

Then, the second most recent realization: you may have ‘messed up’ in the very first ending, but the cat just goes on to show you that literally anything you could’ve done was the ‘wrong choice.’ It found enjoyment in watching you try again and again to see what you could’ve done differently: which is such a good way of telling the player that this isn’t on you. Often times people who are in abusive relationships are blamed for the violence inflicted upon them. If you dressed differently, went to bed instead of watching tv, made such-and-such for dinner instead of so-and/so, did whatever was the catalyst for your abuse differently, then it wouldn’t have happened. But this game is saying no! That’s not how it works! People who want to hurt you WILL hurt you, and it’s not your fault.

As an addition to that point, you cannot avoid doing something that will get you killed (well, except for the ending where you help your cat kill everyone else, but I digress). Even when you see the death coming, and choose the option that gets you away, you run out of things to do. You either have to stay in a single loop—or, well, daydream in this case—forever, or do something that makes the cat (or something else) kills you.

Then, the endings where you feed the cat your blood. It’s really interesting! These endings made me think of what it’s like being in an abusive relationship when you have a child. The choice of whether to risk an even greater abuse to—maybe even temporarily—protect someone who couldn’t protect themself, or whether to turn a blind eye and let your own abuse be temporarily paused, permanently stopped, minimized, or even just kept the same but importantly not made worse; it just reminds me of stories I’ve seen in the past. And you might think, well, you should obviously choose the first one, right? But the game does a good job of showing the dilemma someone who’s being abused might go through. See, if you choose the former option, you die. And as you say when dying: how can you protect anyone now? It’s the same with the mouse, when you choose to let it go. You saved one, for the price of one, and now the cat is free to kill as many more as it desires. And that’s not even considering the instinctive desire to protect oneself, or how the abuser might have changed how you look at the abuse. All this to say, it’s a pretty great portrayal of a dilemma that often shows up in abusive relationships that have a dependent involved (which doesn’t always mean a child, despite what I said in the beginning of this section).

Next up, the dog park. This is pretty heavily related to the first point; which, upon rereading, wasn’t expanded on enough, so let’s talk about it again. This section, the narration goes on and on a lot about how disgusting dogs are, how everything’d be so much better with the cat, and then even your visual perception of these dogs is altered to make them terrifying—part of an attempt to lure you back to the cat (not that you can. Actually do that, if you’re at this point). As part of the game, the cat’s influence is really obvious, and really direct. It’s literally, directly admitted to influencing your thoughts like this. But you don’t need magic or psychic powers, or whatever, in order to influence someone’s thoughts. And abusive people take advantage of that often! They tell you stories, or act a certain way, or inflict physical pain in order to make you view something positively or negatively. Like, if your abuser would curse out dogs all the time while drunk and slamming cabinets, or something. You might look at dogs and be reminded of the fear and paranoia you felt while the cabinets were slamming. (To give a simple example.)

Then, the endings where you almost feed the cat chocolate. These endings do a great job at exploring two different mindsets that abuse victims often have. One, that thoughts of doing something bad are nearly as reprehensible as doing the act itself. When you almost feed the cat chocolate—and by ‘almost’, I mean, you pull it out of your pocket while searching for food and then merely look towards the cat, the beginnings of consideration in your mind, before you stop—you’re wracked with guilt aaaalllll throughout the journey home, and the cats reinforce this guilt. And then this one is specific towards the ending where you ignore the cats, where you turn into a fish and realize now that you have a way to ‘repent’ for what you did. The cat is staring at you, and likely has the means to grab you, but what’s notable here is that you, on your own will, swim up to the surface. And even after you’ve sacrificed yourself, you find yourself feeling guilt that you couldn’t feed all the cats, couldn’t truly repent for what you’d “done.” Which, again, was literally just thinking about doing something, and even before you realized that it would be bad (not that that makes a difference, because thoughts aren’t bad 🔫). This is kinda similar to what happens when you let the mouse go, but that one is unique in that you: 1.) stay still. You don’t deliver yourself to your death like you do in the fish-transformation ending. 2) don’t say anything about regretting being unable to give the cat its fill. Probably because, well. You probably are able to.

And then of course, The ending. This is, most definitely, the least subtle thing ever. Even if I hadn’t happened to exit the game partway through (and then actually read the CWs upon reentering), this likely would’ve let me figure out pretty fuckin quick what was goin on.

I’m gonna split this into three parts: the beginning of the end, the end, and the post-end.

To begin my discussion of the former, I need to mention that the end is you not letting the cat (who, in case this wasn’t obvious by now, is your abuser) back into your home. This is a HUGE step for abuse victims. It’s, hard. Like, in this case it may have been due to magic, but the cat was literally rewriting your brain. Also, you’re lonely, and the cat provided at least some comfort. A helluva lotta pain, sure, but they gave you more comfort than you were receiving anywhere else. Not every situation is the same, but there’s almost always some big hurdle keeping you with the abuser. In this case, the game lets you climb that hurdle through the help of previous victims. This is good, because it avoids the pitfall of ‘to escape abuse you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.’ And, ‘the pain they inflict on you will be enough motivation.’ Like no! This wasn’t something you could do on your own!

Then for the second part, I’m first gonna talk about the lead up to the end: the chase scene, as you’re trying to get home. In that, the cat begs you to stay, saying they’ll die without you, that they’re nothing without you.

And here’s where I make the disclaimer that I’ve never been abused, nor have I ever abused. Furthermore, while I have read many accounts from people who have been abused, I have read very little from the perspective of the abuser (at least, ones that were from people who had recognized and accepted that they were abusive).

However, with this dialogue, it seemed like the cat really believed what it was saying. And from what I can tell, it seems like (SOME) irl abusers actually feel the same? They punish you because they worry that if you enjoy the world outside of them, then you’ll love it so much more and leave—and what would they do without you? And I say this, because then the ending of the game is teaching the lesson that: THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You staying with them did not help them get better. They had every chance, every single second you were together they could have chosen to change, and instead they chose to continue hurting you. Going back will not prove to them that they need to change or they will lose you: it will only tell them that they need to take away even more of your power so you CAN’T leave. Splitting up is not only the best thing that you can do for yourself, but it is the best thing you can do for them: even if they don’t seem like it.

Which is a great segue into the post-end. Because it really proves the point! You may have been lonely, but your abuser wasn’t your only option. You did find someone, and this one won’t kill you! :D I do have mixed feelings on the new cat being a black cat with their right eye gone though. One the one hand, it could potentially be interpreted as you letting your abuser, reformed(?), into your house. On the other, sndndinwjd. (<- that was initially a placeholder but you know what? I’m leaving it.)

For example, if you view its coat as a symbolism for a trait like gender, then choosing another black cat could be like dating another woman after your last abuser was a woman. The traits don’t make the abuser, yada yada. Very good! But since we’re dealing with cats, the creator would’ve had to deal with the issue that cats (especially in a simpler art style) Can Kinda Look Similar. And I know that if I, personally, had seen that image and the cat had both eyes, I would’ve immediately been like ‘oh sHIT THE ABUSER’S BACK—’ and had a mini heart attack. /j So. They were probably trying to find a way to make it obvious that THIS cat was not the abusive one.

But not only did you find someone better to replace the abuser with, you are just overall happier without them in your life, and the game did an excellent job of portraying this: by making you go through all the locations you already did. It was such a good parallel. Visiting any location while you were under your the cat’s paw you marred by anxiety and death. But visiting those same places on your own, after ditching it? You have fun times at every one! You even meet new people—and I really love the way the game handled that, because it could have suddenly made us outgoing and extroverted. But nope! We were an introvert walking in, and we’re an introvert walking out. That’s not a bad thing.

One final note that I realized while writing this, is that the game does a VERY good job of giving you a reason for sticking with the cat. See, I can’t think of any specific examples, but I feel like when most people see their main character in an abusive relationship they get frustrated by why they won’t leave. They, the player, can see what’s happening and see the means to escape. The character themself likely has a reason for staying, but the player doesn’t feel whatever emotions are behind that, so it’s pretty easy for them to either view the reason as ‘stupid,’ or to discount the reason altogether. To properly tell an abuse story, I think a really important aspect is being able to see why they wouldn’t leave. To feel, even a little bit, of what the victim is feeling. This game does that in two very simple, yet effective, ways. First, by making the abuser Cute and Smoll. There’s no har~m giving them a chance~! It’s an adorable kitty cat~ (And even when it does do bad things, it’s like “dohhh~ you didn’t know what you were doing~, did u my wittle cutie patootie~”) By virtue of it being adorable, many people immediately have a baseline bond with the cat, which is later made deeper by all the cute scenes, and the moments of backwards kindness in which the cat directly or indirectly helps you out in some way. The second, juxtaposing the first, is done by making the cat incomprehensibly powerful. You see for yourself the power it can, and is willing to, wield against you. Sure, most (and, hopefully, all) abusers don’t have this kind of eldritch power, but to many abuse victims, it sure may seem like it. Maybe it’s financial, or social, or maybe they’re just scarily good with guns: regardless, it tends to be a hurdle that feels impossible to overcome, though it may seem different to an outsider looking in. By making the abuser literally impossible to defeat until you’re given help by outside means (aka, the game, via the former victims), it places you right into the eyes of a victim gazing upon their abuser. This incomprehensible power pairs really well with the cuteness factor, by making the cat seem almost innocent in everything they do. Sure, they ripped me to shreds when my laser pointer was reflected to the back of my head; but they’re just a wittle kitty, how can I blame them for following their instincts~. Not every abuser has this veneer of innocence, but when it’s there it can make recognizing (as was my experience here lol) and reporting abuse to be extra difficult.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

@ammyeve Sorry to reblog instead of just reply, but commenting doesn’t work for me for some reason? But anyway,

That’s part of what makes the story such a good narrative on abuse!! I was writing a long post on all the details I noticed, but then like. Forgot. That I was doing it. When I finish it, would you like me to @ you?

Y’all holy shit.

I just finished Do NOT Take This Cat Home, and like. Holy Shit. (I need so much fucking therapy.) (Spoilers under the cut like HEAVILY.)

First of all, of fucking course I would play this when I’m feeling lonely. Literally two days ago, I was thrown into A Mood when a coworker seemed surprised by my lack of friends. Everything feels Stagnant and I’m feeling like. Idek. And then I see this game, and it decides to absolutely Gut me with the dialogue you get if you choose ‘don’t take the cat home’ -> ‘leave’ -> ‘go back’ -> ‘stay’. “What’s the point when you’re always doing all of it completely and utterly alone? Even going home to your apartment wouldn’t help, would it…? One bedroom. One bathroom. …And one you living alone in it.” And then the cat comforting you…not speaking, just meowing, lightly pawing at you, listening as you open up even more… (verbalizing thoughts is so hard) “I really do like being alone most of the time. It’s the only time I really feel comfortable being myself, you know? …But even I get lonely every now and then. It’s easy to ignore when I’m keeping myself busy…” And phew, do I have complicated feelings about whether I actually stay ‘busy’ or not lmfao. “That’s why I pushed myself to go out today, I think…” I’ve done this, but not only out of loneliness and more as a desperate attempt to stave off the monotony of my too-big, too-empty house. “Heh, or maybe I was hoping to make a friend or something…” pfft. AHAHAHAHA. Gonna be honest, I was relating so hard to this scene that this line so viscerally shocked me it got me to laugh. I’m not comfortable with that!! I don’t know how to do that!!! At all!!!! If I were to ever gain a friend by going out, THEY would have to approach ME. And who would ever do that? “…though I guess that wouldn’t be a good idea. I doubt someone like me would make for a very good friend to anyone…” …yeah. And this complex of mine is even worse for online. Like, I’m bad at holding conversations (and initiating them, and knowing when/how to end them…), but at least in person we can be Doing something, take away from the Need for conversation.

…but anyway. Then you say: “okay, okay, maybe I won’t go so far as to say that, but…” I would. I’ve, been told otherwise from outside sources enough to know it’s not entirely true, but it really, truly feels that way to me. And that’s pretty much the end of the explicit dialogue. The scene isn’t over, but this is really what wrecked me.

But ahhhh that’s not even all of it. Not by a long shot. This scene just feels like. The easier? Shorter? Part to explain?

Because now, we gotta talk about the overarching plot of the game. And that is, escaping from an abuser/abusive situation. It didn’t really click for me that that’s what this is, until I went into the game for the second and final time, and actually read the content warnings; which, you can probably guess what it said. Before this, I thought this was a game about unconditional love, and how it can be bad for you. …I honestly still kind of thought that, until I got the dialogue about how this WASN’T unconditional love. In some abstract way I can’t describe, it made sense to me then. I, can’t even describe how now.

…but the point here is that I still longed for it, in some kind of twisted way. The ending where you and the cat groom each other? Where, in a twisted attempt to pay you back from the grooming you gave it, it forces fur to grow both in and out your body—killing you—so it can groom you? When you choose to sleep with the cat, and you stay there forever until you literally crumble into dust? WHEN YOU TURN INTO A DOLL AND CUDDLE, UNTHINKING AND UNFEELING, NEXT TO THE CAT FOREVER?? When you beg for forgiveness to the cats and puke up fish until you die, then are given the chocolate as a sign of forgiveness? (Edit: the pain just made the scraps of kindness so much sweeter. Which. Hoo boy.) Both endings where you give the cat your blood as food? The mice eating you, and the cat killing them all in turn? Even the endings I didn’t directly long for, I often found myself thinking ‘this is fine, right? I’m helping sustain this creature, so it’s fine.’ (Side note though, this is still a fictional story, so this likely doesn’t 1:1 reflect how I would feel in an irl situation like this.)

But I know exactly why I wanted this. In the face of all the horror, the terror, I still wanted this, because it was a love I didn’t have to actually put any work towards. Who cares if I don’t have the energy to initiate conversation? Initiate playtime? No matter how much it hurts, it’ll love me and keep me close in this infinite dance no matter what.

(And what makes this story so great regarding abuse is that it actually WON’T. It’ll beat me down until I won’t resist, absorb my remains, and move on to the next person. (Except I DO resist but that’s something for a discussion about the game’s plot, not. Whatever this is.))

It’s part of the reason I think I was having such a great time looking at a list of cats at my local shelter two days ago. I HAVE cats. I love them dearly! But they’re work, and I feel like I’m not doing things right with them cuz they want and need things and I either can’t understand what they want or I don’t have the energy/motivation to give it to them. But when I look at all these cats that I can adopt, everything is theoretical. I can imagine how much they would love me, how much easier it would be to take care of THIS cat instead of the (already really low maintenance tbh) cats that I already have. THIS cat will fix me. Adding THIS lovable responsibility to my list will TOTALLY make me a more functional human being!

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Wow holy shit I wanna quit work so bad. Please. Let me sleep.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Y’all holy shit.

I just finished Do NOT Take This Cat Home, and like. Holy Shit. (I need so much fucking therapy.) (Spoilers under the cut like HEAVILY.)

First of all, of fucking course I would play this when I’m feeling lonely. Literally two days ago, I was thrown into A Mood when a coworker seemed surprised by my lack of friends. Everything feels Stagnant and I’m feeling like. Idek. And then I see this game, and it decides to absolutely Gut me with the dialogue you get if you choose ‘don’t take the cat home’ -> ‘leave’ -> ‘go back’ -> ‘stay’. “What’s the point when you’re always doing all of it completely and utterly alone? Even going home to your apartment wouldn’t help, would it…? One bedroom. One bathroom. …And one you living alone in it.” And then the cat comforting you…not speaking, just meowing, lightly pawing at you, listening as you open up even more… (verbalizing thoughts is so hard) “I really do like being alone most of the time. It’s the only time I really feel comfortable being myself, you know? …But even I get lonely every now and then. It’s easy to ignore when I’m keeping myself busy…” And phew, do I have complicated feelings about whether I actually stay ‘busy’ or not lmfao. “That’s why I pushed myself to go out today, I think…” I’ve done this, but not only out of loneliness and more as a desperate attempt to stave off the monotony of my too-big, too-empty house. “Heh, or maybe I was hoping to make a friend or something…” pfft. AHAHAHAHA. Gonna be honest, I was relating so hard to this scene that this line so viscerally shocked me it got me to laugh. I’m not comfortable with that!! I don’t know how to do that!!! At all!!!! If I were to ever gain a friend by going out, THEY would have to approach ME. And who would ever do that? “…though I guess that wouldn’t be a good idea. I doubt someone like me would make for a very good friend to anyone…” …yeah. And this complex of mine is even worse for online. Like, I’m bad at holding conversations (and initiating them, and knowing when/how to end them…), but at least in person we can be Doing something, take away from the Need for conversation.

…but anyway. Then you say: “okay, okay, maybe I won’t go so far as to say that, but…” I would. I’ve, been told otherwise from outside sources enough to know it’s not entirely true, but it really, truly feels that way to me. And that’s pretty much the end of the explicit dialogue. The scene isn’t over, but this is really what wrecked me.

But ahhhh that’s not even all of it. Not by a long shot. This scene just feels like. The easier? Shorter? Part to explain?

Because now, we gotta talk about the overarching plot of the game. And that is, escaping from an abuser/abusive situation. It didn’t really click for me that that’s what this is, until I went into the game for the second and final time, and actually read the content warnings; which, you can probably guess what it said. Before this, I thought this was a game about unconditional love, and how it can be bad for you. …I honestly still kind of thought that, until I got the dialogue about how this WASN’T unconditional love. In some abstract way I can’t describe, it made sense to me then. I, can’t even describe how now.

…but the point here is that I still longed for it, in some kind of twisted way. The ending where you and the cat groom each other? Where, in a twisted attempt to pay you back from the grooming you gave it, it forces fur to grow both in and out your body—killing you—so it can groom you? When you choose to sleep with the cat, and you stay there forever until you literally crumble into dust? WHEN YOU TURN INTO A DOLL AND CUDDLE, UNTHINKING AND UNFEELING, NEXT TO THE CAT FOREVER?? When you beg for forgiveness to the cats and puke up fish until you die, then are given the chocolate as a sign of forgiveness? (Edit: the pain just made the scraps of kindness so much sweeter. Which. Hoo boy.) Both endings where you give the cat your blood as food? The mice eating you, and the cat killing them all in turn? Even the endings I didn’t directly long for, I often found myself thinking ‘this is fine, right? I’m helping sustain this creature, so it’s fine.’ (Side note though, this is still a fictional story, so this likely doesn’t 1:1 reflect how I would feel in an irl situation like this.)

But I know exactly why I wanted this. In the face of all the horror, the terror, I still wanted this, because it was a love I didn’t have to actually put any work towards. Who cares if I don’t have the energy to initiate conversation? Initiate playtime? No matter how much it hurts, it’ll love me and keep me close in this infinite dance no matter what.

(And what makes this story so great regarding abuse is that it actually WON’T. It’ll beat me down until I won’t resist, absorb my remains, and move on to the next person. (Except I DO resist but that’s something for a discussion about the game’s plot, not. Whatever this is.))

It’s part of the reason I think I was having such a great time looking at a list of cats at my local shelter two days ago. I HAVE cats. I love them dearly! But they’re work, and I feel like I’m not doing things right with them cuz they want and need things and I either can’t understand what they want or I don’t have the energy/motivation to give it to them. But when I look at all these cats that I can adopt, everything is theoretical. I can imagine how much they would love me, how much easier it would be to take care of THIS cat instead of the (already really low maintenance tbh) cats that I already have. THIS cat will fix me. Adding THIS lovable responsibility to my list will TOTALLY make me a more functional human being!

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Wait holy shit. Is the reason I have trouble remembering and even relating to emotions I’ve had in the past because I’m repressing them??

Or is this just actually normal and I just don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t

[jinglyhigh-heels]

I am!!! So!!! Fucking!! Done!!!! Hahahahaha!

I’m working what feels like all day five days a week and I’m so tired on my days off and STILL have to do chores so it feels like I’ve done nothing??? In the damn near month it’s been since I got off school and finished in [place] I just went from half-work + full-school right to fucking full-work and I feel like I’ve done *nothing* hahaha!! I work, I go home, my feet hurt and I’m tired, I force myself through taking care of the cats, I go to bed, I wake up, I take a shower and I do it all fucking over again. I haven’t even started the FUCKING BOOTCAMP and I can’t do this anymore. And what’s next!!! I finish summer, I go back to school and I begin to slave myself away again with even more work and even harder school??? And what THEN?? More summer, more work, then right back? Oh, but then I graduate! And I get to fucking work for FORTY-SOMETHING YEARS STRAIGHT, if I’m *LUCKY*???? With even LESS breaks less leeway than I get now??? What the fuck is even the point!!! Of life!!! Of *MY* life because working a job is something every-fucking-body does and somehow *I’M* the only one who doesn’t manage to have a life, to do *anything* outside of it! And GOOOOOOD I am SUCH a baby hahaha. Look at me! Complaining! Literally the only times I’ve worked full time in my life are during summers, and I can’t! Fucking! Handle it! My aunt and uncle had to work THREE jobs at one point in their lives, my dad’s been working in the army for TWO DECADES, not to mention the jobs he had when he was younger than me, AND he has a fucking [REALLY COOL] DEGREE. THAT HE EARNED. IN *ADDITION* TO WORKING AS A [DEMANDING JOB]. But nooooo~ soft little [me :(] can’t fucking handle ONE. M E A S L Y summer job~? Can’t do fucking *anything* and be normal about it. And!!! The worst fucking part is!!! It wouldn’t be better~

Because I am such a fucking disaster that even if I had aaaaaalllll the time in the WORLD this summer, I would lounge around like a directionless couch potato. Because that’s the real problem isn’t it!!! I have nothing!!! I’m an empty shell of a person where there should be *drive*. *Motivation.* Literally the only reason I got through high school was because of the external pressure. Literally the only thing waking me up in the morning is my 8-17. If I was given all the time in the world, I genuinely would NOT do anything with it. Hahahahahaha! Gods~ I’m a fucking *character*. Hating beyond BELIEF something that I shooouuuuuld be able to handle, but that misery being literally the only thing that lets me do anything.

And I wanna quit!! So fucking bad!! But I can’t!!! Because if I give myself the leeway to quit *now*, what the fuck am I gonna do in the future, when I don’t have almost everything covered by my parents? (Also I need fucking money.)

And gods, I wrote most of this in some kinda mania, but now I’m just. So fucking tired. I’d like to be an actual *person*, please.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Hrmshroebfj sister had a seizure. I dunno how I feel. Therefore, I do not know if I am going to be able to do my work properly. Therefore, I do not know if I should call in. I did wake up late though, so I have like 10 minutes to decide lol.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

I feel like shit (mentally/emotionally) and don’t wanna do anything but I have finals I need to work on and WILL feel worse if I don’t do em