#i feel stressed out and i need sleep
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I started drawing this next day after I finished Act 6
13 or so days and it's finished!
Main things are traditional and Loop's body was edited digitally after
Unedited it looks like this
I've been torn on how to do Loop's body for the entirety of lining, also
A bit sad the main lines are visible only as a wip, most of this thing is literally just a ton of sharp lines
I think it's also my first day of drawing, Loop is just a sketch here (feat. my leg)
I even finished the beans before it so they were a moral support, because if you let me things like this take a year
#fanart#my art#isat#isat fanart#in stars and time#isat loop#loop#traditional art#artists on tumblr#Phew#So anyway this was my way of figuring out my thoughts after finishing the game#I didn't even actually finish it with credits playing at that moment#This type of art is my therapy#And in a way literally how my personality works from big figures to small details of thinking about anything#It's really calming!#I won't tag paper figures but they're here#Like special guests#In any case the funniest thing was showing this to my English teacher and she was like 'wow this looks stressed' or something#Like she immediately looked at the lines and after I showed her my old Flowey drawing like this she was like#'oh it makes sense! This one looks calm but this one is clearly you not feeling good'#Because I was kinda#Like sitting there in the semi-park and feeling sick since morning before I started drawing this and slowly I got better#I already talked about this on my first 'big' isat thing - I needed to think a bit#And not think at the same time just literally letting myself sort stuff out#Like. I fell asleep at 6 am that day and woke up at 10 4 hours of sleep after playing full Act 5 and two hats stuff IS STRESSFUL#SUPER STRESSFUL! Like I felt like I was playing for 4 hours while sleeping#Anyway by the time I finished it aka today I'm feeling way better and I'm literally talking a walk right now#Touching grass as we speak#Anyway phew!#Now to that animatic that's plaguing my mind to draw it nowww
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Fuuuuuck. I’m dangerously dizzy today. I’m gonna try to pound water and get it under control so I can work because I don’t want to stay home alone all day, I don’t have more sick time banked, and most insidiously I don’t want my team to view me as a weak link.
#ramblies#this is usually lack of sleep but I don’t feel tired enough to justify how dizzy I am#probably just stress my wife is out of town#also because my period is about to start hmnnngh#I need to try to flea treat the cats who are itching way too much this is not an ideal morning for dizzies
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i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess
#they say they dont mind but i need to really. stop#im stuck.#and i know it’s hard on my friends to see me like this since i’ve been doing a lot better and now am back to my old habits#but i felt bad because they took me out shopping and to dinner tonight and i just had a headache and was limping and couldnt stop talking#about the recent death in my family and all the stress from classes and socially and how lost i feel#and i just wanted so bad to just. enjoy myself but i couldnt#but my friends know about how severe my depression is and are all very used to it#its in fact more normal than not. but i was really. feeling at my best for several months so the crash back down to not eating and sleeping#and being unable to fully tidy my room and all that stuff has been. difficult for me as well as those around me#it’s been normal for me for so long to live terribly that taking care of myself for a while and then losing the drive to has been. hard#im trying to get better but i slide back down#i need to work on my constant self loathing but i keep walking around just. conviced im such a burden and being sad makes it even worse#i just. am always overcompensating for my lack of#ability to love myself with just. constantly showering everyone around me with love and its. hard for me when i dont have the energy to do#even that anymore. its hard to let people take care of me when i just want to take care of them all the time
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i dont think i have the right to ask this, since i so rarely have the energy to reply, but .. i want my drive to draw art back and this awful depression gone (or at least made less bad..) so desperately that i will bear the shame of asking it anyway, just in the hopes of something getting that spark i had held onto for so long to light back up
though .. im not sure what i want to ask for, i guess .. anything? something you'd like to see me draw, a compliment, a question- whether zelda or oc related, a little totk rant of your own, a picture of your cat, a random fun fact-
#ganondoodles talks#i feel guilty just writing this#i feel like i do so little and ask for so much#too much#and the good ol 'you dont have the right to feel this miserable- theres people literally dying' is back ever so strong#i have barely been looking at anything online#idk why its gotten this bad now of all times#of course this is nothing you are requuired to do#i am not trying to put pressure on anyone#or make anyone feel bad#or responsible for me bad feeling#i just ... want out of this .... and dont seem to be able to do it myself#i am hoping all i need is just a little push to get me over the edge of fighting back again#i know therapy and/or meds would probably be better#but the former is basically impossible to get here- and i got bad experiences with it#and the latter would be a long process of things that cause me so much stress and im afraid it wont make anythign better#.............if our doctor would even be willing to get anything going#maybe this is all just headache sleep depreived wahteever thought sludge#.. im going to bed :U
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"I care"
I'll always care.
Context i made for this image (for no reason): This is post show and Suitcase is thinking about the game. The times she was babied. The times her anxiety got the best of her. The times she was hurt. How hopeful she used to be. How everything changed.
How it worked out.
...
Now let's just hope I didn't jinx it and this ages well-
Without lighting/background Ver. Under cut!
#inanimate insanity#ii suitcase#Very much needed to give her eyebags and grey hairs#That shit STRESSED her out#And by shit I mean the show in general#also for the record#This started because I was scrolling through barbie#Was feeling girly pop#And wanted to draw her in a pretty dress.#But then I made the lighting sunset#Reminded me of ep 9#Then...this happened#IM SORRY GIRLY POP#YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A NICE PICNIC WITH YOUR MALE WIFE#Btw it's like 2:35 am#My sleep schedule is shit-#Xinnimon art
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The air is starting to smell like isolating myself and avoiding all contact with everyone again and I’m not sure if I really want that but I am
o v e r w h e l m e d
#bapple vents#bapple is stressed af#can’t cope anymore tbh#I’m like a sharing bread on a table full of hungry orphans#please can I just live in a cave for a week#this fucking year#it just won’t stop#every time I feel better all it takes is one or two things and I’m drowning all over again#I’m so fucking burnt out and tired#I just need to sleep for a thousand years#and not have anyone need anything from me#and I’ll be fine
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exhausted and out of it but still giggling & kicking my feet at heart because i just got a request to hang out with someone outside of the event we met at
#YAYYYYYYYY#all that stress was worth it 👍 friend acquired#this means he didn't think i was too weird even after the trip back on the tube#i think it went fine but i was tired and not drunk anymore which usually means i'm more awkward#oughhhhhjhh#‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳#WOOHOOOOOOOOOO#😭😭😭😭 i need to sleep#its 6pm but maybe#time to pass out before i reply#i dont want to get into a conversation im too tired for that#got 4 hours of interrupted sleep#then wandered around london until 2pm#2 hour coach back#i do NOT feel great#but worth every second for a good time and nice people :'))
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I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
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I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again
#Robin processes emotions on main#mghmfph#THE BRAIN GUCK#holy spirit fix me. holy spirit. holy spirit save me#the stupid brain guck man..... I need to move out I need to sleep more I need to. need to be braver#I need to write this new story idea I need to. bury myself in zombie au#my brain's coming up with new ocs and even as I'm doing it I'm going wow these are the ocs of a stressed-out teenager#I'm not a teenager but living with my parents again is making me feel like one I NEED TO MOVE OUT#ANYWAY#everything will be fine I'm just venting#I'm just particularly frustrated with myself today and talking myself through it. I hate feeling selfish. ugh.#I wish I had money for therapy :[#I want to do therapy again. but it's just me my comfort media and the holy spirit against the world right now#also in addition to feeling selfish I'm feeling super isolated#I HAVE NO COMMUNITY no irl community anyway#and living with my parents... makes it. genuinely super hard to try to make community. ugh. again: wish I could move out and get therapy#figure out what I'm DOING figure out people to do it WITH#yeuch that was a lot of gross emotions and thoughts sorry#love you. have a glass of water or something. that's what I'm going to do now#oh also I'm stressed out Today bc parents are having friends over and I don't feel up to it. but I like them. but I just want to sleep#SIGH#okay I'm done for real now
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where's all this energy coming from
i've been running around (literally) since 2pm today and i can't sleep at nearly 12 hours later
#*someone's* taking my sleep#side eyes my gf (let's call her ron weasley /j)#yk maybe i should give her a random name too so i just don't go “my gf”#“my wife”#“my closest companion”#“the one i would murder for”#“he who makes me calm but i feel the most nervous for”#yk i was already so anxious about her getting in some sort of danger when i'm not with her#but then december happened#that changed me as a person#dear lord i'm beginning to breathe erratically again#is it clear i have adhd so far#ok but hear me i out i thought she'd been killed#that was at the end of a super stressful week#two weeks maybe#everyone was high-strung too#and then#pop#goes the sound of a gun with a silencer but it was actually popping tires#i kid you not i covered that distance faster than i ever have in my entire life to see blood and wheezing bodies#sirens blaring#fading and fading#just paused to nibble on her arm hehfvehege she smells like vanilla :.333#i got too silly and let myself feel the old fear and horror and fear and horror#i'll just go lie on top of her and bury my face in ti#it's ok bro doesn't wake up#only wakes up when i show distress signals like panic attack or nightmare!!!#or when i bother her too much yk but#ahsvsvsv please i know i need sleep but i am *so* awake
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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh
#🤖.txt#aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor#anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk#i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then#genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time#i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time#Idkkkk i just really hate living like this#thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle#that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months#ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well#just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do#Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing#anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right#im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have#Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier#But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while#aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t#evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be#vent
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#my coworker who covers for me when I'm out (and vice versa) saw me getting progressively more sick throughout the week#so she was like omg go home :/ and i was like hhhhh okay ill wait it out a few days tho (bc i dont want to use all my sick leave already)#so i was like i just need to make it to thurs and fri so i can have a long weekend so wed afternoon i was like#are u good to cover me thurs and fri and she was like yes absolutely take off go home actually go home now#so i left and hour early wed and then let all my managers and supervisors and bosses know i was taking off#so why do i wake up today (still sick this headache will Not go away) and everyone has texted asking if im coming in today#and i saw all their messages late bc i was sleeping so now i just feel really guilty chxjcjx#taking time off always makes me feel guilty and anxious working life has beaten me down into the perfect employee 🫠#i always assume theyre gonna think im faking it#and my supervisor made a crack at our staff meeting abt me taking a bunch of sick leave lasg year??????#which isnt true i only used my 2 weeks vacation so idk what that was abt#it just made me stress more 😭😭😭😭#too late to worry abt it now but i still am :)
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Wehh i wanted to do Linktober this year, but it’s just the worst timing that I’m also wrapping my show this month and I cannot justify 12+ hour days at my desk in order to turn something out. I’m feeling pretty bummed about it, but I also might be unemployed again until February, so I might just do my own thing after.
Blehhh
#sucks because i love participating in group challenges so much#but its just not realistic#AND eow is out#they need to invent bodies that can sit for 15 hours a day and days that are 72 hours long and sleep is optional#wheres my half elf reverie#trying not to feel so down abt it#i did so much prep too#wrapping projects is always so stressful for me tho#the second 6pm hits i want nothing to do with my workstation
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The other night I went to throw some chili flake into my soup for dinner and despite double checking, I managed to open the wrong side and dump a ton more in than I meant. This was almost immediately after I had invited Loki to share the soup with me, so I felt fairly justified in blaming him, but also this past week I've had close to eight hours of overtime and picked up an extra shift for tomorrow, all if which happened after I had set aside some supplies with the intent to try my hand at a money bowl on his alter space and I really feel like this is a good snapshot of what it's like to have Loki in your space.
#lokean#screaming into the void#i love him so much#i mean my sleep schedule is shot from one of my shifts this week but i feel less stressed about my car insurance bill now#so i think that evens it out#i do need to include hermes in the money bowl thing though#loki has been the one pestering me to do a spell but part of what i planned to use was a coin i dedicated to hermes#well#a coin hermes called dibs on and i agreed to dedicate to him but same difference
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vent in tags sorry
cw: mention of loss
#adding a long note to the beginning so no one sees the actual vent in the case that they don’t want to which is absolutely okay#okay that’s probably good#i feel like a failure today.#my car wouldn’t start on friday and i haven’t had a moment to actually call a mechanic until today#called early in the morning and he said he’d call me back with a time#i’ve reached out multiple times since then and have heard NOTHING#if i don’t get it fixed today i’ll have to take my partners car instead#and when i asked them if that would possibly be okay#they started off on a rant about how they were planning to do all this shit tomorrow morning and now can’t if they don’t have their car#but genuinely. how tf was i supposed to know about their plans?? why did they have to say it all like this is completely my fault???#i’m sorry that i’m still in a not so good mental place right now and might forget to do things in a more timely manner#i’ve had two grandparents pass away in the span of a few WEEKS. give me a little grace.#i give them the same understanding every day when they’re having a rough time#so why can’t they offer me the same thing?#i know they’re just stressed and tired and busy but FUCK SO AM I#i’m just. over it. i want to go to sleep.#and by sleep i mean literal sleep i’m not insinuating anything darker i promise#i may be in a rough spot mentally but it is not that kind of rough <3 i’m safe#just. very tired. and in need of support.#i feel like i’m always giving and rarely getting support in this relationship.#and now i’m just feeling like a burden and an inconvenience for even needing the extra support in the first place#the urge to run away and start my life over is strong holy shit
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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