#I’m so fucking burnt out and tired
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The air is starting to smell like isolating myself and avoiding all contact with everyone again and I’m not sure if I really want that but I am
o v e r w h e l m e d
#bapple vents#bapple is stressed af#can’t cope anymore tbh#I’m like a sharing bread on a table full of hungry orphans#please can I just live in a cave for a week#this fucking year#it just won’t stop#every time I feel better all it takes is one or two things and I’m drowning all over again#I’m so fucking burnt out and tired#I just need to sleep for a thousand years#and not have anyone need anything from me#and I’ll be fine
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“You’re going to blow out your arms,” the villain observed. They watched as the hero merely grit their teeth, shoving themself through another pull-up. It looked painful, and if the sweat slicking the hero’s brow was any indication, it was.
They waited for the hero to let themself drop from the bar and accept the villain was stronger. But they didn’t.
Three more pull-ups, and the villain stepped in.
“Hero,” they said slowly. “You’re about to tear the ligaments in your arms. You need to stop.”
The hero blew out a shuddering breath. Struggled for purchase, fighting gravity—and let themself drop.
The hero’s hands were bleeding, calluses torn open by the bar. The hero didn’t seem bothered when their own hands shook so much that their blood began to splatter on the gym floor.
For a moment, the villain could only stare at them.
Shit.
They didn’t know how to handle this. They knew the hero was dedicated. They knew the hero was strong, and perpetually trying to be stronger, but they hadn’t thought…
They hadn’t thought the hero would be so willing to tear apart their own body for success.
It was supposed to be fun, the villain thought. They felt a little sick as the hero pressed their palms together to soothe the bleeding, an action that was practiced and familiar. As if they had done this before.
The hero reached for something in their bag, smearing blood on the side, and pulled out a roll of blue electrical tape. The villain didn’t understand why, until the hero tore a strip off and made to wrap their hands with it.
The hero would be the death of them.
They crouched in front of the hero, plucking the electrical tape out of their hands.
“What are you doing with this?”
The hero blinked at the villain like they were the strange one in this situation.
“Wrapping my hands?”
The villain hissed in a breath.
“With electrical tape?”
The hero flushed slightly, looking down at their bloody hands. They looked close to tears.
“It…sticks to skin, really well. And it doesn’t move, either, when you move your hands or wherever else, even if you’re fighting. Plus, blood doesn’t make it come off, at least, not for a while.”
The villain blinked at them.”
“Blood doesn’t make it come off,” the villain repeated, processing. The hero nodded, reaching for the electrical tape. The villain settled it out of reach.
“Not if you wrap it right.”
Dimly, the villain realized that meant the hero had done this enough times to have it down to a science.
“And you couldn’t use a bandaid?” The villain asked incredulously. The hero shrugged a shoulder, then winced at the motion.
Yeah, the hero had absolutely blown out their arms.
“Bandaids move—“
The villain hushed them.
“Be quiet for a second.”
The hero, wisely, went quiet.
The villain rubbed a hand over their face, then studied the hero for a moment. They took one of the hero’s hands into their own, studying the damage.
“Why did you do this to yourself,” the villain murmured.
“What do you mean, why,” the hero snapped. “It’s my job.”
“Your job is to save people,” the villain corrected. “Not destroy yourself.”
“I’m not destroying myself—“
“You are.”
“Shut up—“
“Hero.”
“I need to be better,” the hero snapped. Their voice rang out across the gym, echoing into the rafters, and they both froze. After a moment, the hero spoke again, voice soft. “I need to be better.”
They said it like they needed the villain to understand. The villain wondered who they were really saying it to—the villain, or themself.
“Better than who?”
“Everyone.” It was hushed, like a secret.
The villain watched them, waiting.
The hero took a shaky breath
“My whole thing is being the best. I have always been the best. That’s the only reason I matter. If I’m not strong enough, then I am nothing, so I need. to be. better.”
The hero had started crying, very quietly, like they were afraid to take up too much space.
The villain was not equipped to handle gifted kid burnout.
“There’s more to you than just being a good athlete,” the villain said hesitantly, and the hero shook their head.
“No. There isn’t.”
“Hero.”
“Can you give me back my electrical tape?” They hiccuped to contain a sob.
“No,” the villain said firmly, and then the hero really was sobbing.
“You don’t understand—“
The villain didn’t. Not really. They had never been the kind of talented that the hero was.
They wondered now if maybe that was a blessing.
“I don’t,” the villain agreed. “But I do understand that you’ve saved half the city, and you give everything you have to give, and you always do your best.”
“But I-“
“No.” The villain stopped them. “You are doing your best.” They tipped the hero’s chin up until they met the villain’s eyes. “And it is enough.”
The hero froze, eyes darting over the villain’s face. They wondered if anyone had ever said that to the hero, if whatever mentor they had was giving them anything other than orders to be stronger. Be better. Be more.
The villain had some new targets to take care of, it would seem.
For now, though, they had to take care of hero.
“We’re going to go wrap your hands,” they said softly. “And then we’re going to take care of your arms, and you’re going to take a nap.”
The hero nodded, watching them like they were some kind of good, selfless person.
“And if I ever catch you using electrical tape again, so help me, I will put you six feet under.”
That startled a laugh out of the hero, and they let the villain guide them to their feet.
“Fine.”
The villain turned to them. “Okay?”
Are you going to be alright?
The hero seemed to understand.
“Okay,” the hero agreed.
Yes.
And so, it was.
#writing#writing community#snippet#angst#heroes and villains#ficlet#writblr#hero/villain#hero whumpee#exhaustion#overworked#villain caretaker#whump#kind of#in case you’re wondering. yes you CAN do this to yourself. it’s completely possible#essentially what happens is if you do a motion (a pull-up) more than your body is capable#it gets mad. this is different from training till failure. this is to failure and then beyond#so while you started using the correct muscle groups you those muscles get tired and despite the tired you don’t stop#so then your body switches to muscles it SHOULDNT BE USINF and then you fuck up your elbows (in the case of pull-ups)#and then you can’t straighten your arms for a week bc the ligaments and tendons and all the little movement parts want to keep it curled in#I’m not a doctor#I’m just a gifted kid who was an athlete who got burnt out and destroyed her body lmao#this is possibly maybe based on true events that occurred#anyways. I’m not a doctor but you can use electrical tape on wounds. yes it sticks. yes it stays. it’s honestly very useful.#electrical tape > bandaids#do not do anything listed here it is BAD. do not blow out your muscles it hurts. properly clean ur injuries. I beg you.#don’t get injured at all#thank you to my friend who went “pull-up’ competition and then watched me create this angst#love u besties. drink water. go to sleep. summon demons. ❤️ self care
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this isnt rlly a serious post more so than a thought I need to verbalize but like. there’s an INSANE difference between the fandom being like “hey what if jack was actually his age and got to be a little normal” vs y’all treating a grown ass man like he has to cover his ears when someone swears or sleep with a nightlight on because he’s afraid of the dark, and throwing the P word around to anyone who thinks he’s attractive. one of these things is not like the other.
#there’s a layer here about giving jack the childhood he specifically chose not to have#and ignoring his other choices because that’s just. idk a running theme with any character who struggles to have autonomy#but whatever idk#genuinely i think the past year or so that I’ve spent talking about this has burnt me out#either that or I’m just too fixated on VB to really care too much#like obviously I still care about it and wish more was done to help but it’s not really a warpath for me to walk currently#just.#I’m just tired dawg#it’s like talking to a deaf brick wall#please just do some research into infantilization I cannot keep having a one sided conversation with people who don’t care#spn#jack kline#baby jack#spn fandom#fandom critical#fandom ableism#tfw2.0#not even just ableism it’s the whole mischaracterization woobified bullshit all over again#and the using baby jack as a prop for everyone else but I digress#jack: *chose not to be a child and hates being seen as one and is more than willing to get violent if he thinks he has to*#y’all for some fucking reason: he’s just a widdle baby he can’t handle the scary movie he needs his daddies to take care of him#I’ve already said all these things before#i am tired. so tired
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#one of my silly little goals this year is to talk more about my accomplishments even though they aren’t super recent#I’m tired of resigning myself to being a burnt out former gifted kid. I studied at Oxford for a term.#I taught a college class. I TA’d for two other college classes. and volunteer TA’d for the department’s hardest course offering#because I was already being used as a TA that semester for a different class and the professor still wanted someone to run review sessions#I had professors fighting over me to do work and research for them! I had departments fighting over me! I did summer research!#I was the first person in my department in nearly a decade to ask to do a senior thesis. for fun.#I ran programs and clubs and I was a writing tutor for the writing center AND the resume lab/career center#I was the only person in my writing professor’s tenure to earn a 100 on my research paper for that stupid fucking class#in high school I was second in my class and did it while writing one-act plays for production and doing district choirs and acting#I’m so so so tired of beating myself up and falling to my knees and doing penance for the past 4 years.#I fumbled some stuff at the start of my 20’s. I’m an adult with ADHD that no one clocked while I was growing up.#I was supposed to go to St Andrews for an MLitt and then the pandemic happened and I had to withdraw.#I just need to get over it and stop agonizing over every misstep I’ve made since college#otherwise I’m never going to make it out of my 20’s alive#so yeah. for those of you who don’t know! I am a silly cumdrunk braindead good girl PART-TIME#the rest of the time I’m clawing my way back to the high standards I set for myself from first grade onward#my stuff#ignore me i’m rambling
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there’s no amount of escapism that can get us out of this one boys
#help i don’t understand anything in school#i cant focus on anything#nothing makes sense#i’m so tired all the time#it’s the second day back how am i already burnt out#god spoke to me this morning and said fuck you#slight vent#nat’s rambles
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#I’m so fucking burnt out#I have -300 spoons right now#and I have no fucking clue how to get out of the negatives#going from thanksgiving to a family trip (driving 24 hours both ways and spending a week…. took everything out of me) to Christmas#to new years to family birthdays#and I live with my parents so I’ve been helping them with stuff nonstop for the past month#I’m exhausted and so so so fucking hopeless#feel like the only way for me to be happy or work on my happiness again is if I move#but that’s so fucking unlikely#and I don’t even want to think about how much housing is going to change after the presidents change#I’m so scared#I can’t live here anymore#but I have no where else to go#and I don’t want anyone to get me wrong - I know I’m so lucky to have a roof over my head#but being this unhappy every single day for the past 2 years is really getting to me#I cant live like this anymore I just can’t#it’s not living it’s not even fucking surviving I’m just here#I’ve been working so damn hard went to 2 different mental health programs been seeing a therapist every week#seeing a psychiatrist a lot to figure out my meds#but I’m still like this and I just don’t know anymore#I’m so tired#sorry ignore me#shut up rosie
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I try not to dwell on the serious negative impact having bronchitis 5 times in 5 years has had on my life but the odds are pretty high for me getting it a 6th time right now and I’m not thrilled to say the least
#like it’s one of those you can get yourself to function enough for school or work but it is exhausting to be sick for months#and you just have to soldier on. and it’s worse in the evenings so people at school barely know how sick you are#but beyond the physical impact on my lungs and the impact on my mental health. it changed my academic life - my MA thesis had to be#extended for almost a year longer bc I was so sick. which was stressful.#but also it tanks the social life. bc all my energy goes to school or work and I’m coughing and on cold meds and a side effect of all of it#is irritability and I don’t want to go out in evenings bc that’s when the cough is worst and being in public with a bad cough is awkward#and it’s not contagious bc it’s a lung reaction But no one else knows that#like the social life takes a serious hit for WEEKS.#so then I’m burnt out from my free time being the time I feel physically worst#also coughing and all that makes my chronic nausea worse so then I’m throwing up at least weekly#and my sleep is impacted bc I have to take cough syrup to sleep and then I wake up feeling hungover from that and not sleeping as well#I AM SO TIRED OF COUGHING SIX FUCKING MONTHS OF THIS YEAR.
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It feels like there’s a lot of heavy energy right now
#everything just feels kind of hopeless and I feel like I’ll like#never be financially stable enough to leave my family#and like I’ll never have a deep and significant romantic relationship#like at this point I am just waiting for my dad to die and hoping for some semblance of peace and normalcy for the rest of my adult life#maryam's posts#like fuck man I just want romantic love#but it seems like everyone is just weird or burnt out or does the bare minimum#and here I am looking and feeling like an idiot#like I’m just tired#I wish my family wasn’t so scarily homophobic I could be comfortable enough being with someone who wasn’t a man#I just feel all alone#And I wish I had someone rn who could see that#and who could give me a hug and say that they loved me
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#only me who is getting tired of fucking passive aggressive pricks posting about Palestine#like yes reblog fundraisers (or as I like to do — lists of verified fundraisers)#and post in support but I’m seeing so many ‘well nobody cares about this anymore I guess people are just evil’#or ‘I’m so frustrated with you people who OBVIOUSLY don’t care anyways reblog this’#like yes it’s exhausting and disheartening when it feels like people don’t care#but this is the same issue we’ve had here since 2013 (and probably before but that’s when I joined) where people try to guilt others#like it’s just not it#like y’all get how distressing people into action will burn them out faster and in the long run harm the movement bc everyone’s burnt right?
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I’m currently very upset about the American healthcare system. Like I hope they know that they are making people actively sicker 🫶
#don’t read the tags if you don’t like skin related stuff although I’m not going into major detail but I felt like I should warn people an#anyway*#autumn rambles#so basically I had a regurlar cyst on my lower back which isn’t abnormal for me and wasn’t causing me any pain until like a week ago when I#say down on my bed but I did it in a way that I think made this minor cyst burst inside my skin and now it’s definitely infected because#the skin around it is swollen and red but my cat also recently got put down so I felt like such a burden that I didn’t want to tell my#parents but eventually the pain got so bad I caved and told my mom on Sunday night and today she called to try and figure out if I could go#to my primary care this week but since I haven’t been in three years (which I know sounds bad but I see my other two doctor every six#months PLUS I have my double infusion every month so I’m fucking burnt out on seeing doctors so yeah I’m not going to go to my yearly#appointment like I’m supposed to because I’m fucking tired of it PLUS my primary care goes through doctors like crazy and I was tired of#having to explain my life story every time I go to get a regular check up)#but anyway since it’s been 3 years I have to fill out a new patient form in their office before they can even let me know if they have an#appointment available this week like how fucked is that??? why can’t I fill it out before my appointment???#also they had the audacity to say to go to urgent care when the whole reason I called my doctors office is because my info is all there in#the system where as the urgent care people are likely going to have no access to my medical history and they won’t know anything about my#chronic conditions#I’m just so mad because the cyst hurts so fucking bad right now#I had to put a bandaid on it because it’s slightly beginning to burst and I’m terrified of taking the bandaid off#I’m just so torn on what I want to do#like I need to suck it up and go to urgent care but we need the car to get there and my dad has plans tomorrow night and Wednesday is#thanksgiving prep and I hate feeling like this huge burden#it’s the middle of the night rn so I can’t do anything about it and I’m just sad#like I should have stopped being a baby and went after supper but the cyst didn’t hurt as bad then
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I love being chill and normal (threatened to stab my brother then punched my bedroom wall)
#anyways !#he gets to shower before I do even tho I have to be at work at seven tomorrow in person and he works from home#and I have to keep fucking driving him places like I have to get up super early on my day off on Saturday to drive him to the fucking#airport so he can travel up north and I have to just bring him to the airport and I’m not going up north I just have to drive back home and#it’s going to fucking kill me to do#and I’m so stressed and burnt out and on my period and I have to get up so early tomorrow for work and I’ve woken up in the middle of the#night the last two nights just to throw up so I really just want to shower and go to sleep so I can get up and go to work and then get back#home again and do nothing but be tired and wait to work again ughhhhhhhhhh#and I got on a discord call that 📞 was in and hearing her voice hit me like a truck and I started frustration crying about everything from#the last week so thank fuck some of these emotions are out of me a bit cause I was seriously going to hurt someone if my brain didn’t shutup#also for the record I didn’t say I was going to stab him someone on tv said something about stabbing someone and I said that’s what I wanna#do to you and he got all offended
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of course a famous former nhl player comes into work BEFORE i make it in
#i’m so sad……i was half an hour away from meeting him…..#also today has been stupid busy and i’m so fucking burnt out and tired#tea time!
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me after three days of in-person meetings and team-building activities.
#i understand her completely#that is the face i made this morning at 7:30 and i got up once again to leave my house before 9 am to be social#i am an empty dried husk.#i am a mango seed when you suck all the pulp and fruit off it#it was really nice to see my coworkers cause i work remotely (which is a true blessing)#and i was very proud of myself cause i didnt feel any anxiety going to a work social event/day like I have in the past#it was actually enjoying to interact with people and be social and FLEX those skills that I don’t often get to use#and as much as I like to be a curmudgeon half the time and be like ‘idgaf about what you did this weekend Karen’ you gotta make conversation#there was even someone cute who I hadn’t met before#my grandma and I had a conversation the other day and she’s like ‘so are you dating?’ and I’m like ‘grandma where will I meet a man?’#and she was like ‘you’re right. where would you meet someone nowadays? people usually meet through work#but I work virtually and half the people are married or not cute! but there was a guy in my assigned group who was cute#so I went out of my way to make conversation with him (it was about work and nothing came from that interaction) BUT STILL#it’s a good reminder I *can* have those interactions if I so choose#I was also ovulating though so I think I moving with more hunger shall we say#anyways#i am very very very tired and socially burnt out#i need to go for a long walk. smoke some weed. read fanfic. get off and go to bed. that is my main focus for the rest of the day#thank FUCK it’s friday tomorrow.
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Debating whether I should do sicktember today…
On one hand I want to have the satisfaction of having written every single day in September
On the other hand brain tired
#I shooouuullllddddd#but I’m actually so burnt out I did nothing today 🥲#the thought of opening my computer is giving me pain#but it’s an hour until the end of today for me to write and post#I have the idea#I know what happens#but brain tired#collectors thoughts#… fuck I’m going to write 😭#well see how far I get
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is it ok to blame the rain for how tired i am?
#acey talks#like it’s in my bones and my brain#i’ve been sleeping well and going to bed earlier than normal#but i’m still so fucking tired and it’s making it really hard to get anything done at work#(this could just be general burn out but from living? i’m burnt out from living?)
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#i want to like my job so much and i really want to care about it#i worked so hard to get to this point and i sacrificed so much for this job#and like i always hoped i’d one day get to go down this career path and begin to do these things#but it’s just so beyond stressful that it’s not worth it at this point#i don’t even get the bare minimum respect and it’s like pulling teeth to get people to so the bare minimum of their jobs#too many regulars are comfortable with being disrespectful to me and harassing me and there’s no support in dealing with these people#i’m given a bunch of responsibilities and they only just finally relented and gave me a couple more hours to get them done#but that’s still barely enough time to actually do anything#and i get paid total fucking shit to the point that i’m working other jobs to make rent because i can’t do it on this job alone#i’m just so burnt out and tired and i just don’t know if i can take it any more
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