#i feel like one thing people dont talk about as much with ptsd is the inflated sense of control
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cult-of-the-eye · 1 year ago
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One of the things I love about tma is the exploration of the illusion of freewill for Jon. His path was set, ever since he was a kid, ever since his encounter with A Guest For Mr Spider, he was chosen by Elias, not because he was special but because he was There. He tries to fight it pretty much every step of the way. He believes he has the power to change things, despite knowing deep down that he doesn't. And yet it ends how it ends. And I just. It echoes so beautifully into cPTSD and childhood trauma. We're marked from a young age, we're given the illusion of free will, that it was our fault that we got chosen to be hurt like that and therefore we couldve done something different to have stopped it from happening. The idea that we believed if we prayed hard enough, was a good enough person, avoided doing certain things, then it wouldnt have happened. Which then turns to the realisation that we didn't get chosen to be hurt because of some specific reason, we were just There. We are led to believe that due to this event or circumstance, our life has been set for us, one of misery and loneliness and pain. And although tma is a tragedy and it therefore ends tragically, which is unfortunately the reality for some of us, it also shows us that things were important along the way. Just as Jon is loved by Martin (and the fandom), we also have the chance to be loved. Just as Jon's coworkers sing hin happy birthday and Tim does finger guns at Martin and Georgie goes out to eat Hungarian food, we'll have little moments of peace. They mattered. And so do we.
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chocopebblez · 26 days ago
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I LOVE KEVIN'S CHARACTER SO MUCH.
He's like. The universe's chewtoy and it's treated kind of seriously because. The man very obviously has trauma. This could go into a ramble about the show's surprisingly good depiction of stuff like grief and PTSD but this is about Kevin!! So I'm sticking to him
Specifically on the topic I said in that confession about his brain depicting Skid and Pump in his nightmare:
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Randomly putting bandages on him for fun instead of what actually happened, Pump putting a bandage on his stab wound
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Playing with Bob when the two were scared of him
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And not taking Gregor seriously when they very much were. A friend also pointed out to me that Radford in this bit is just depicted as throwing holy water everywhere -- which yes, he was doing, but it lead to something good happening, which the nightmare doesn't depict at all
Like. Kevin's brain is so fucked it twists memories where Skid and Pump are sweet to him into them being demon spawn and that is so fascinating to me
On both angles, really- his brain associates them with all the problems in his life so it actively makes them seem worse than they are to give Kevin even more reason to want to get away from/get rid of them, and even despite that, Kevin at least still tries to be civil with them, even if he's clearly getting at the end of his rope
He is a very interesting character and I want to both give him a hug and put him under a microscope
I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU I LOVE YOU /P OH MY GOD. This is SUCH a good observation and i am keeping this in my kevin notes. Oh BOY am i gonna imagine some good angst with this one. THANK YOU! i dont have much to contribute unfortunately (my brain is mushy rn) but SERIOUSLY THANK YOU i love it when people talk about characters like this (Especially kevin, i love him)
This show has such a good depiction of grief and ptsd its one of like my favorite aspects about it. Also DAMN do i feel bad for Kevin my man seriously doesnt deserve everything thats happening to him. Honestly it surprises me how mentally strong Kevin is. How kevin still manages to be kind to skid and pump after all the things he's dealt with.
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angelflms · 3 months ago
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Okay, so I have been thinking so much about this (I have been talking aloud to myself for like ten minutes bc I've invested myself wayyy too deep into this), but I think I know why Miguel bothers me so much despite being my favorite character.
The writers suck.
Now, I know I don't have screenwriting credibility and I'm merely just a girl and I know that perhaps they can't cram all of this shit into the show and make room for literally everyone else, BUT I think the reason why so many people don't like Miguel as a character is because he doesn't have much of a character to work with. So whenever he does something that shows character (the Mexico storyline, the Stanford storyline), no one feels bad for him. I think that maybe if he had definitive arcs for each season, while weaving it better into Robby's arcs (since they're foils and tethered to each other), he would actually be likeable. So I wanted to show you what I feel like I would do to write Miguel's post school fight arc. Feel free to tell me your opinions. (buckle up, this is a long one)
S3a
similar to what we see
but we actually get to be more into Miguel's mental response to the aftermath
I dont' think they went enough into his feelings with everything and that everything went a bit too fast (for Miguel) during the season.
perhaps they could've gone deeper into his PTSD, similar to what they did with Sam.
but instead it preventing him from going to school, it prevented him from doing karate all together.
it was clear early on that karate and Johnny slowly became all that Miguel cared about.
Johnny was sending mixed signals and Kresse's entry into CK was conflicting as their ideals were different.
Johnny made it clear that CK's mottos are a way of life, so Miguel was moving the exact way one would in karate irl.
Karate was his life. And it nearly ended it as well.
I don't believe Miguel would immediately still want to be so gung-ho about joining karate again after nearly dying from it.
Johnny would lose Miguel's trust and would fight for it back. He already lost Robby. He can't lose Miggy too.
Miguel doesn't want to be around him for now, despite feeling bad for pushing him away
S3b
When finding out he was paralyzed, it hurt to find out, but at the same time, with his conflicited feelings about karate, he would feel a bit relieved.
I like to think that when the surgery worked, everyone was happy but Miguel because now people are going to expect him to want to go back to doing karate.
Eventually he and Johnny have a heart to heart and make up, though he's still a little bit hesitant on trusting him
he does reluctantly join Eagle Fang and he tries to make an effort to train again and get past his fear
Though things still feel like what it was like at CK, which isn't something Miguel is enjoying
Plus him being the only shot they have for the All Valley is putting presure on him, mainly due to Johnny
The scene where he tries to kick but fails happens
He falls and flashbacks of the school fight happen
He gives up and says he isn't doing karate anymore
That is until the finale fight when CK comes in and fights the EF/MD kids and Kyler beats him up
he remembers why he started karate in the first place and starts fighting again
He chooses to do karate again
S4
Again similar to what we see (Johnny and Carmen, the intro to Kenny, etc)
I think he still feels weird about being back in the world of karate and latches onto Daniel more as a sensei now with the conjoint dojos situation (he's a lot softer on him knowing his situation)
Which pisses Johnny off and makes him jealous (he just misses his kid ya know?)
He tries to make an effort with Miguel but he grows more distant after hearing Daniel's side of the events during TKK
This season could heavily parallel s2 with Kiaz as they're on the opposite sides of the coin now with Robby being with CK and Miguel learning more Miyagi-Do techniques
This could also bring more tension with Lawrusso because of how they're both treating and training him and how Johnny thinks Daniel is taking Miguel away from him
(maybe a fight scene about this idk)
Perhaps Miguel starts feeling bad about pushing Johnny away as he very much still cares about him and sees him trying
Daniel does talk to Miguel about how Johnny does care about him and how he's beaten up about everything and how he wishes he could change everything
This will make the whole "I love you" "I love you, too Robby" scene a lot worse
Miguel feels lost again
The sprain he gets during the All Valley was the final straw for him as he has a panic attack and in a heap of emotions, he leaves for Mexico, not just to find his dad, but to genuinely run away from everything
Also throughout this season, I really wanted to see more of Robby being guilty for what he did during the fight but pushing it away until he sees what Kenny does to Anthony and realizing that history is already about to repeat itself
Also also we do see Miguel talk about collage but brings up that he wants to become a PT (did I take this from someone who reblogged my other rant, yes) and probably want to go Boston University (they have a PT degree program)
S5
Same as we see for the most part
I was hoping Miguel would bring up the whole "I love you" situation but he never did and I wonder why
I wish we saw bits of the car ride home from Mexico and the awkwardness between the boys (there's a good ao3 fic that does this pretty decently)
Perhaps Robby can tell that something is off with Miguel though and tries to spark conversation but the latter refuses to talk to the former because of the school fight
I think the break up should still happen
Both because with everything going on with him, the breakup would just be another stab in the chest, but also because that fucking scene was so good!! Like idk if Mary and Xolo get their flowers for that scene but I'ma need them to get their flowers for that scene
Now he's just this ball of emotions
Johnny still wants to push for the boys to be close since he's caring for both of them now (and ofc the baby) so like in the actual s5, he still tries to get them to talk
Now I would've preferred a heart to heart reconciliation (similar to samtory s6) but since the dudebros would think that's too soft and this is a fighting show, the balcony scene would be fine
Though I do think in a later scene, Kiaz should have a more emotional talk with each other
Miguel just talks about how hard it has been since the school fight and how everything keeps on changing and everything gets a lot for him
Robby tells him that he gets it and confesses how guilty he feels for being the one to put him in the hospital
And then I feel like the rest of s5 can go the way it did
i don't know. maybe this is too convoluted but I do think that the lack of characterization and constant mischaracterization of miguel diaz is due how poorly the writers went about him post s3a imo. i think they could've done something great with him in a way people felt for robby you know? they always randomly bring things up as a way to say "hey he has trauma too" but it's always at the most inopportune times and it always comes off half-assed instead. i love miguel so much because of his happy-go-lucky energy but he has so much wasted potential which is wild to say when he's the main character.
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nordidia · 1 year ago
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Do you think CJ and Raph ever talk about their experiences with PTSD/anxiety together or even share advice on coping? Or do you think Raph would rather not? Explain your reasoning in your essay below
(i typed an entire novel and then accidentally closed chrome and it deleted everything let me try doing this again i barely remember what i said ok so. also this is just me blabbering idk guys im not a rise writer im just some opinionated guy online and you can completely disagree with me and i dont say what goes or not ok? ok!)
i dont think raph would go to him with his issues but i think it'd defo get talked about through asking CJ about things and checking up on him etc. and i think CJ would give raph alot of insight and advice on how to deal with anxieties and traumas,, tho alot of their convos would just be one of them saying something vile and the other one going "oh. is that not normal?" and the first one looking at the latter like this
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but all in all i think they'd definitely help eachother with dealing with stuff... i think especially raph will assist CJ in just taking the blow on how much there is to unpack... his entire life has been a big traumatic event, i imagine suddenly living a sustained life without having to fight for survival every day would be a lot for him to deal with, especially the confusion and grief over what he has lost (maybe what he has lost feels a bit like pointless grief to him now? which is a trauma in itself) and also grieving what he never had. as we know, grief is also things we shouldve had but never got, and i think all the hamatos would be really helpful in dealing with that.
tho CJ seems to be a bit of a hardass on stuff like this which is incredibly understandable when you've had to fight for everything with zero stability at all anywhere you went. i could see him confiding in raph about it, but not only him if im honest. but there is an undeniable security about raph i think that the characters i the show feel, and i think CJ would seek the stability and consistent reliability that raph provides.
i also like that CJ doesnt seem too scared about calling out people when they do wrong, i can defo see CJ bluntly telling raph that bad coping mechanisms is stupid and makes things worse and worries everyone around. (this is ofc hand in hand with the good ol' HC that raph bottles shit up/avoids talking abt things. personally i think he never shuts up and frequently rants about stuff and lets his family know whenever shit is up but he avoids going too deep so his family thinks he's being fully transparent when actually he's just not voicing the worst shit. this is so real to me no i do not need therapy shut u)
i definitely think raph would confide in CJ about the krang thing. CJ is the one who knows the most about it, i can see raph going to him to just get a bit more information about what was going on, and also a bit of relief hearing that it didnt go as bad as it couldve gone... CJ being experienced with krangification would absolutely soothe worries and make him feel less alone about knowing what he knows and having gone through something thats a step further than his brothers
IS THIS A GOOD ENOUGH ESSAY i have academic anxiety dont grade me please its 4am i have taken melatonin pills im on my last leg help m *ficking dies*
edit: GOODNIGHT LOL
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dungeonmeshi-confessions · 3 months ago
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I wanna do more kabumisu positivity following that other anon. it really brightened my day so much.
bc really I dont want to bash other ships to lift mine up!!! and I actually also really love and respect labru, and know the majority of labru shippers arent Like That, just like most kabumisu shippers arent Like That. every group has some annoying, loud, opinionated people and they dont represent the average person who likes the ship, you know? I would love to see some labrus follow suit and send in some positivity as well!!! If the positivity keeps going I will come in here and post all my fave things about labru, labru art, and labru shippers as a kabumisu. lets ditch the bitching and hold hands instead!
anyway, some reasons I really love kabumisu
- as a neurodivergent disabled person dating another neurodivergent person, this is like. THE couple to me. and like its not just about mithrun being taken care of. taking care of mithrun actively helps kabru be more mindful of his own needs. In my life, I may struggle to feed myself, but I can make breakfast if my partner is hungry. other times she may do the same for me, it depends on who is doing worse.
-they both struggle with insomnia also
-from everything we've seen, pre-dungeon mithrun wasn't entirely dissimilar to kabru (high masking people pleaser) and thats Fascinating to me.
-kabru's job seems pretty stressful (no matter how much fulfillment it brings him, its a lot of responsibility for one person!) so I feel like coming home to that one guy he can take his mask off around and not even have to try and impress must be such a huge relief. also add mithrun with cooking experience to this, making kabru a nice meal after a long day of work.
-Mithrun is actually very perceptive and sees straight through kabru's bs multiple times and doesn't hesitate to call him out. Laios isnt the only character that forces kabru to be honest. ("unless theres someone else?" "theres someone you want to tell that story to.") mithrun is also the one who gives kabru the information he's been seeking this whole time.
-I am very interested in exploring mithruns whole desire situation. what desires does he gain? I think it is probably a lot of little ones that weave together. oh also I think sometimes things may seem more mithrun centric bc in any story where he is going to end up in a relationship he is going to have a much more dynamic arc than whoever he is paired with. literally dynamic as in like. he requires a lot more growth to achieve the outcome. and there are ways to skip it or gloss through it but. a lot of these stories require that in some way you show the progress has happened.
-to me, kabumisu is more often queeplatonic than romantic. but Im aroace so that could just be my aroace glasses. ALSO kabru is vaguely aro to me. you mean the guy thats super desirable that doesnt really seem interested in anyone particular outside of pursuing friendship? that guy? (also the way he did rin omfg)
-random but I dont think kabrus PTSD is talked about enough and also like the extent of his trauma. its not just utaya/monsters/his mom dying; its being raised by a single mother, its his blue eyes, its being adopted, its being raised by an elf, etc!!!! a lot of things he does bc of ptsd get attributed to autism (I also hc kabru as autistic, and some is symptom overlap. but it is secondary to the ptsd! he is traumatized first and foremost ty) I really love kabru so much. ty for the ptsd rep <3
-also out here to say I know an amount of kabumisu content is mithrun centric. I will tell you from my pov specifically though its bc I deeply relate to mithrun (as someone who once told a therapist many years ago I desired nothing and truly meant it. she said I was like a puppet without strings. of course I saw mithrun and was like. oh.) and Im in love with kabru. kabru reminds me of all the people who gave me a reason to pull through. people who saw good in me and treated me like a person when I didnt feel like one. I also really relate to kabru though as someone with complex trauma, even if my traumas are not the same. thats why I say I think not enough is attributed to his ptsd. anyway, once I just opened a notebook and wrote kabrus name over and over again with hearts. I have never done this to mithrun. so dont tell me kabumisus dont like kabru !!!
-kabru and mithrun are both so gender. Ive seen so many variants on their gender and gender expression in the ship. some people hate this and insist they must be one way or the other. I think theyre neat lots of different ways. I love when theyre both feminine men. I love when mithrun is super masc. I love when theyre butch4butch. I love when theyre both trans. and so much more. its all beautiful. a very good variety of food. the other day on my dash I had a tallman art of mithrun with the biggest tits imaginable and the very next post he was like a little porcelain doll. keep up the good work guys. I love you.
.
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sdvshanewife · 4 months ago
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Gonna be honest and say that I don’t even think shane is rude he’s just not very nice. (Obviously all early on) first meeting he says the thing why are you talking to me I don’t know you. Which is a) true and b) not that bad he’s just like bruh who are you man. Okay woah not very friendly like most of the town but just how it is sometimes
And I feel like no one ever considers the actual situation afterwards. If you keep talking to him despite him very obviously wanting to be left alone and have somewhat made it clear the first time that’s on you?? He SAID leave him alone. The player isn’t respecting that and keeps talking to him. Obviously in stardew valley it all works out happy ending they get married yeah yeah everything’s okay but. In the real world if you keep bothering a guy who tells you to Leave Him Alone and he starts saying stuff like “what do you want” “go away” that is literally entirely on the person who doesn’t listen to him and you know, leave him alone?? It is so insane to me that people act like he’s the worst, acting like you said hi and he went “fuck you and your entire family I hope you die in a [redacted]”. Okay, I’ll agree that he’s not nice. But It is genuinely crazy to me that people agree that he’s apparently such a huge jerk. I think we’re all used to the town being really welcoming and warm and friendly so when he’s like that it’s unexpected and a bit of a shock, and I also understand being sensitive to stuff like this (no hate to that at all)
But I do not understand people who think others actually own them conversation just because…? and when someone doesn’t want to be bothered they are somehow lacking in personal morality. That is wild to me. Is it weird? Yeah maybe depends on where you’re from. Does it say something about who they are as a person? Probably not. At least less than they think.
I guess the fact that Stardew is expected to be a wholesome warm fuzzy game also plays into it. Like why are you like this it’s stinking up my cozy little game etc etc. And I get that but I don’t think it’s fair because Shane’s thing is not the only heavy topic in this game. Alex dealing with a parental loss and iirc also past abuse from his father!! Pam’s alcoholism and as a result putting Penny through so much bullshit and responsibility she shouldn’t have had to shoulder!! Kent is a former pow with ptsd!! And more that’s “milder” but still not all sunshines and rainbows. I know Stardew has the reputation of being cozy and warm and it’s true but that is mostly due to the players saying it themselves. There was no promise that there would not be heavier topics in the game at all. And it’s also handled well (not like uhh sudden horror twists or stuff) and is not otherwise very “out of place” so yeah it’s not fair to expect that from the game or him.
Um honestly by this point I’m not that mad anymore so
Live laugh shane our mantra yeah
the reason people make out shane to be ruder than he actually is is because they compare him to the other villagers that say hi and are friendly blah blah blah. it's also just expected for people to be friendly or atleast be "decent" (for a lack of a better word?) when you talk to them (or when they talk to you). when someone doesnt want to talk, theyre expected to not be so blunt and be like "oh sorry, i dont really wanna talk right now" and not be as direct as shane is.
i dont really agree with the "stardew valley is made out to be a cozy game". while i understand where you're coming from, most people don't mind the heavy topics, what they do care about is the way shane acts. ive never seen people complaining about penny's, alex's, or kent's stories which contain heavy topics. they're easier to sympathize with because the characters are nice.
LIVE LAUGH SHANE
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limpfisted · 1 year ago
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some disability wyll stuff regarding occular prosthesis. eye trauma tw, obviously. i do not have any eye prothesis and am not a doctor or historian, but i wanna talk about wyll seriously as disabled and fantasy disabled rep
medieval “glass eyes” were UNCOMFORTABLE.
modern day prothesis need to be removed and cleaned every three weeks or so. every six months or so, they need to be polished. debris/grit/slime can get on the outside of the eye. the eye can be scratched and grow cloudy.
the modern prosthesis needs to be replaced every so often. you’ll notice it because your eye socket will shift and change, and so it needs to be refitted to be more comfortable. your socket/eyelid will eventually start to sag, your tear ducts will leak discharge, and you might start to get infections and further dryness when it needs to be replaced.
bc wyll’s eye is a sending stone—we can assume that mizora is the only one who is allowed to replace it. we dont know if wyll is allowed to take out his eye and clean it himself—but tbh. we can make some assumptions considering the eye itself is a method of controlling him
she uses the maintenance/upkeep/replacements of the eye as a further way to control him, and probably further humiliate him lbr
we can also probably extrapolate that while his eye was damaged in the fight with mizora, mizora was the one who removed it and thats how he got the scars on his face. we don’t know if she used anaesthesia. considring the scars on the face make it seem like he at least tried to struggle, probably not
a big reason wyll is really good disabled rep to me personally, is a lot of disabled people rely on abusers as “caretakers” and then cant leave them. even when theyre not particularly good caretakers
its also worth noting again it can take people who lose an eye months to recover, WITH physical therapy. judging distances, holding things, cutting food, driving, are all things that can be hard at first. plus depression, ptsd, feeling dysphoric and a sense of loss
wyll has to relearn how to fight p much, and do it all on his own. we dont know when he got his first contract from mizora. we dont know the first time he was sent to avernus
but u can imagine mizora wasnt altogether kind about it.
in general i think wyll deserves a soft eyepatch and to never have to wear a prothesis again, that would be so traumatic tbh
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cerseimikaelson · 9 months ago
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HIII CERSEI GUESS WHOS BACK (YOUR FELLOW WOTG FAN) WITH MY THOUGHTS ON COTG:
It is such a funny book, my fav jokes being the 'shrek, fiona, donkey' joke and an underrated classic in my mind, the scene where percy is like "There was screaming, crying and running in circles, and that was ✨just me✨" when talking about blanche's story (its so brutally honest and funny in a vulnerable way, which I will expand later on with the vulnerable part of it). It had so many iconic moments
It was a very low stakes, slow plot. You can tell Rick wrote it for the experience of reading our fav characters again (adding on to the fact that rick was made to write it by disney as additional marketing for the show, you can tell the plot wasnt thought of much), and ive seen people get mad over it, id love to know what you think!
This is a bit of a touchy topic. I've seen the people on the internet calling percabeth abusive with the constant name calling and the physical ??violence?? ( i obviously dont agree, but thats another topic), but something I've observed that everything that anti percabeths pointed out was toned down in the book?? Another post confirms that the majority of seaweed brains in the book was from percys pov and not annabeth actually saying it (like when hes looking at her expression and saying things like 'she looked like she was trying to say,....') and also when it comes to physical 'violence' (it feels so wrong to say bc i cant find another word lolol), the only things i found while rereading were 'lightly pinched my arm' and 'nudged me with her toe' which is wayyyy more toned down than ricks usual 'swatting my arm' or 'punching me' or 'judoflipped me'
One thing I admire so much about this book is the way he's written the characters vulnerability. percys way more open when he talks about crying whereas in the books its brushed over a lot, which is something the lovely @demigods-posts pointed out. annabeth tearing up when sally compliments her on something small like a cupcake, grover scared of percy and annabeth leaving him, and ofc percy. i saw someone interpret the river god scene as a ptsd induced panic attack, and i admire how rick has written it with so much angst, but still kept it light for the tone of the books.
another thing i love is how the characters dont revolve around percy as a main character (which is probably something rick learned while writing the tv show). annabeth has hobbies of her own, she's in her dream school, she is a busy woman and good for her. grover regularly goes to camp, and has his own conflicts with his gf and stuff. sally and paul are on their own arc with the baby on the way.
the fluff needs a special mention. every moment is so cute and sweet, there are way too many instances, especially with grover and percy which there was a severe lack of in hoo. them turning to seven year olds, percy and annabeths daily night iris message routine, the domesticity of the jacksons family
As usual, I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions too, im so happy i get to talk about it with you :))
Heyyy friend, how are you? Thanks for the ask!
Since you mentioned her, I LOVED Blanche. Iris is one of my favourite goddesses, so it was great seeing her. And I loved watching a god actually be ignored by their teenage child for once instead of the other way around. Blanche being a propel rebel with the monochrome was golden. (also, pink hummingbirds? lol)
It is obvious there wasn't much in terms of an actual plot with real structure, but it was fun and light-hearted and it does set the foundation for something in the future. Not all quests need to be high stakes, all-hands-on-deck, the world is coming undone. I liked watching the trio have semi normal lives (meeting up for smoothies after school) instead of constantly being on hero mode.
I genuinely had no clue people were upset about Percabeth's interaction in this. But seriously, violence? Did those people forget Annabeth judo-flipped Percy in New Rome, or was it okay then because it was a grand romantic gesture? How is punching someone in the arm to tell them they are being an idiot (provided you don't turn them black and blue of course) abuse? Percy and Annabeth are in a relationship, obviously they are going to be tactile with each other. Not to mention, people often nudge each other in real life and nobody shouts abuse then. I am rambling now but honestly this is the first I've heard of this and I have opinions.
I know Rick wrote the PG version, but can we talk about Zeus literally objectifying Ganymede at brunch and nobody but Hera (and Percy silently) batting an eye? Honestly, I am not a hardcore Zeus hater (although he is an a**hole) but the way Rick writes him he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I officially volunteer to be Hera's divorce attorney.
I really liked the idea of Annabeth having a secret fan club and having dinner with Sally, Percy and Paul every night. That was excellent.
I am already brainstorming theories about what the third book is going to be. Does it matter that WOTG isn't even out yet? Absolutely not. I kind of want it to be about Athena because her interactions with Percy are always 10/10, but that probably won't happen.
Feel free to send me asks about your favourite gods and goddesses, any headcanons you may have or anything you wish to discuss about PJO. You can also find me on ao3!
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emptymasks · 1 year ago
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so.. i sure feel like i invested a lot into a show just for them to not care in the end. and this isn't a 'wah they killed of my fave character so show bad'.
the pacing felt weird, right? i wonder if they wanted 10 episodes but the network only gave them 8? or maybe they just didn't know how to end the show. maybe they're scared they won't get a season 3 and so rushed the end of season 2?
but to build up izzy, to have him talk about belonging to something... only to have him die without anyone telling him they love him. yeah ed said they're family but like. the whole thing felt so sudden, from him being the one with richard to getting shot to dying and then to suddenly haha the silly guitar music is playing guys its funny joke time. like. ed was upset as izzy was dying but then it seemed at his burial that no one really cared. it would have been more impactful if his death had been the final scene of the season.
but wouldn't it have been much better to show izzy finding a family? to have him captain the revenge? to contrast with season 1 and how the crew hated him when he was in charge. to end season 2, end the show, with him captaining the crew and having their respect and their love?
because it really didn't feel like he died for the crew, for his family. because he push someone else out of the way to save them he just got outsmarted by richard (since when is izzy that stupid or not strong enough to hold onto a man?) and got shot. like idk you could have had him die protecting ed or stede or the crew. how on earth could izzy not hold onto a man who's physically weaker than him and how the hell did he let someone else grab his fucking gun. or wait im re-watching it looks like richard just.. grabbed a gun out of his own coat.. i.. did no one search this man and take his weapons off him.. what the fuck.. no im sorry there's no excuse that doesn't make sense for no one to have taken his weapons away that just seems like bad writing.
if you were going to kill him off he deserved a better death.
but he deserved a better ending than this. what's the point of him having this arc of finally caring about people if he dies and it seems no one really cared other than ed and fang?
omg i just read as i'm writing this that jenkins does have a plan for a season 3. okay so now it's only acceptable if con wanted to leave the show so they had to kill off izzy but they still should have done it better. have him fending off the english so the crew can escape. have him taking a bullet for ed. something that means something. omg.
and ed and stede... i don't feel like they're ready for this yet. the only way they should be living together is the end of the show. not the end of a season. they literally only just got back together they need time to grow together.
you really said its a show about people finding love and happiness and then killed off the queer disabled character who got to die while telling his abuser that he loved him. the ending feels like the show saying 'actually not everyone deserved love, if you were an izzy fan you were right to get hate' like. he deserved to be loved by the crew, to be told that they cared. but he didn't get that.
also um?? the crew dont love ed. he literally only just finished torturing them, some of them have ptsd and trauma from what he did to them, and even if they want to forgive him they certainly do not love him yet. they cared much more about you izzy than they did about ed.
and then to have him shot in the left side, the place that ed showed in season 1 was a 'safe place' to get injured i. what.
where the fuck was roach? just watching? not trying to help? does he either not care or not think it's worth trying to save him??
IM SORRY BUTTONS CAN TRANSFORM INTO A BIRD, AUNTIE CAN SURVIVE AN EXPLOSION, JACKIE AND SWEDE ARE IMMUNE TO POISON, BUT IZZY GETTING SHOT IN HIS LEFT SIDE UH OH THAT'S DEATH SORRY.
i love the crew, i love zheng. i like stede and ed's romance but they're never the reason i watched the show. but i found izzy's arc the most meaningful to me. and i. i really don't think i'm going to watch a season 3 if there is one. not just because izzy's not there, but that last episode just felt like they don't care or don't know how to write anymore in a way that i enjoy at least.
to see someone like izzy (who's backstory i thought we would get, at least who the ring belongs too that he wears around his neck but no okay) he disliked because he has to be, he doesn't know how to be soft and be loved or how to love others. to show that a person who has been hurt so much and built themself so hard and buried their real self so far below.. to see that person be able to find themself again, to love others, to let themself be loved, to others see who they are. that meant so much.
so much for this being a happy queer show. for a lot of people he felt like this representation of an older queer man who's just coming out of the closet, exploring himself, there's not another character like that. the disability representation with him this season i've seen has meant a lot of people. his arc isn't the same as any others and a lot of people have found something very personal to connect to in that and i think they have a right to be upset.
to say it makes sense for him to be killed off for the narrative because ed needed to let him go... sounds cruel? izzy is a person, he's not a narrative object to make ed feel better about himself. to have ed abuse izzy, physically abuse him, and then izzy's arc ending with him apologising as if it was his fault (yes he encouraged blackbeard, but please let's not victim blame, let's take male victims of abuse seriously) and saying he still loved ed i just..
to say it makes sense narratively for him to get killed off for other reasons i don't fully disagree, but i think it was too soon, and i think at least it should have been in a way that made sense like him protecting the crew, not allowing richard to STILL HAVE HIS GUN ON HIM DID NO ONE CONFISCATE HIS WEAPONS?? or did he take izzy's gun in which case HOW how would izzy allow richard to take his gun. he's smart and a capable fighter what is this.
i saw someone else say izzy's death had no meaning and no consequence. and they're right. the crew moved on straight away and forgot about him (apart from fang, shout out to fang), and seemed like they didn't care. they aren't seeking revenge. they aren't angry. so it's for.. ed and stede to get together? izzy deserves more than that. and they could have still gotten together anyway... if it's for ed to move on then fuck that. an abuser doesn't get to move on from the abuse he caused because his victim fucking died.
i'd been looking forward to this episode all week after i really terrible week and well. should have known nothing this week was going to plan.
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i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook
(see why i don't respect the field?)
but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?
yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.
but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!
"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"
more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much
studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.
studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!
anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.
does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?
let me ask you a question:
imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.
now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.
wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.
and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?
anyway, back to izaya.
he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.
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i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die
but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.
aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.
or, it should have been.
but it wasn't.
izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....
it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.
THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--
--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.
it's nonexistant.
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veronicaphoenix · 7 months ago
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Her attention had shifted from the movie to my neck, where she was staring intently at a spot I couldn’t see. Before I could ask, her index finger found my skin and traced a tiny tattoo that was there. “Lia,” she said, reading the tattoo I had gotten years ago. “My favorite girl,” I replied, wondering immediately where those words had come from because I couldn’t remember intending to say them.
Chapter tags & trigger warnings: best friends to lovers, ptsd, therapy, Lia is on medication, a lot of angst but a lot of fluff, too. Noah and Lia are on dangerous grounds. Noah can't help but being a flirt. Lia is dealing with too many things and is very confused and feeling like shit. A lot of alcohol consumption that will lead to inevitable consequences. | Word count: 3.1k | Cross posted on AO3 | Series masterpost. ✧.*
General trigger warnings: This work addresses and depicts issues related to addiction and violence, contains explicit sexual content, and explores themes of childhood trauma. Reader discretion is advised.
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I had been in the studio for about an hour and a half, hashing out details of our upcoming tour and listening to Matt’s heated discussions over the phone.
The first hour was all about work, but then my thoughts drifted to Lia, as it had been happening very often lately. Before heading to the studio, I’d dropped her off at her therapy session, agreeing that she would give me a call once it was over so that I could pick her up and bring her here. But thirty minutes had passed since the session should’ve ended, and there was no call or message from her.
I excused myself and stepped out into the hallway to call her. She picked up on the second ring.  
“Where are you?” I asked, my voice edged with concern.
“Making my way home. To your home. Or mine. I’m not sure,” her voice sounded subdued, a common post-therapy tone.
“I thought we said I’d pick you up,” I said.
“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just... I’m not feeling well,” a sob escaped her lips, small but audible. “I dont feel like going to the studio. I dont want to be cooped up within four walls again."
It took me a moment to think about what to say next, what solution to propose to her. I didn’t like the idea of her being on her own after an hour spent talking about her traumas, worries, and vulnerabilities.
“Where exactly are you?”
“Out on the street,” Lia replied, her voice tinged with uncertainty because she probably didn’t know its name.
“It will take you an hour to get back home on foot, Lia. At least.”
“I don’t care. I could use a walk around the city. It’s what I need. I feel…” her voice trembled, and she couldn’t finish the sentence.
“I can’t be okay knowing you out there alone when you’re feeling unwell. I’m coming to get you. Then we can decide where to go from there, alright?”
“Noah, I don’t want to keep burdening you with my problems. You’re already doing enough. You don’t need to worry so much about me, please. I’ll feel better in sometime. I have to take my next pill before lunch, I’ll feel okay after that.”
“Lia, if we have to have this discussion again, we will. Your well-being matters to me, and I’ll keep worrying about you until I’m an old grump. So, tell me where you are, and I’ll be there in less than fifteen. We can go wherever you want. The rest of the tasks here can wait. Besides, all Matt is doing is arguing with different people over the phone,” I pointed out, still hearing his voice through the door. I let out a sigh.
On the other side of the line, a mixture of tears and laughed escaped Lia, a sign of her acquiescence.
“Alright… I’ll send you the address. I’ll wait for you outside the Starbucks on the corner.”
“Good, grab yourself a coffee, and I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?”
She didn’t get herself a coffee.
When I pulled up at the spot, Lia was leaning against the wall between Starbucks and the 24-hour mart on the right. The beer can in her hand had probably been bought there. Before getting in the car, she took one last sip and chucked it in a waste bin.  The beer scent lingered as she settled into the seat, but I didn’t care. I reached out instinctively to her, running my fingers through her hair. Her eyes met mine, a bit downcast.
“Thanks for coming,” she murmured softly.
“Where to?” I asked, still inadvertently playing with her hair, that fell in soft waves over her thin grey jacket.
Lia shrugged.
I kept on checking on her until it was obvious that it wasn’t her best day. I thought of what to do, where to go. I dug into my brain until I remembered a place. We had been there before, but that was many years ago.
I started the car and veered away from the city.
“Where are we headed?” she asked, noticing we were going the opposite way of home.
“Surprise,” I replied with a grin.
Lia frowned.
“Noah, surprises aren’t really my jam right now. I want quiet and…” she muttered clearly exhausted, but I stopped her.
Her tired eyes and dark circles showed she hadn’t been sleeping well, and her therapy session probably didn’t help her current state.
“I know. You’ll like this one,” I told her. “Have I ever surprised you with something you disliked?”
I looked away from the road briefly as Lia hesitated, which prompted me to urge her to answer, even though I knew what she’d say.
“Never,” she eventually replied.
“Exactly. So, relax while I drive. We’ll grab some food on the way.”
We made it to Upper Franklin Canyon Reservoir in les than forty minutes. Since it was a weekday and just past one o’clock, the place was blissfully uncrowded. The parking lot was only occupied by two other cars, and as we stepped out, the refreshing scent of nature filled our lungs. Lia’s face lit up as she took in the surroundings, her chest rising and falling with each breath.
I walked around the car and offered Lia my hand, just like we used to when we were kids. She took it, and together, we strolled along the wooden path on the left. After a few minutes, we found ourselves at a spot by the river, sheltered by the trees and the branches above us.
I released Lia’s hand, allowing her to approach the edge and take in the serene view of the water and the ducks gliding peacefully.
“I thought you’d like this,” I said, staying a couple of steps behind her.
“Thank you”, she said, her voice barely audible over the tranquil sounds of nature.
“Maybe someday we can go back to the lake where we grew up,” I suggested tentatively, unsure of how Lia would feel about the idea.
For me, that place held memories of happiness, of being with her. It was the place where the troubles of the world had felt distant.
But perhaps Lia didn’t share the same sentiment. Maybe she didn’t want to reminisce about our childhood, about hers. Maybe she didn’t even want to hear the name of our hometown. She had made it clear a few nights ago when she confessed that the memory of our kiss had brought back many other memories that she didn’t really want in her head right now.
As I reached out to comfort her with a gentle touch on her shoulder, Lia’s hand grasped mine and pulled me close until my chest met her back. In an instant, I found myself holding her from behind, my chin resting atop her head. I felt her trembling, and a solitary tear landed on our intertwined hands, resting on her stomach.
“Lia…” I felt helpless in the face of her pain. I couldn’t bear to see her like this. But I had no idea how to ease her burden.
It was clear she was grappling with thoughts of Mitch. She was haunted by the scars he had left on her life. His actions had intertwined with the memories of her mother and childhood, and now those were huge stains on her heart.
“I’m just so tired of thinking…” she confessed, her voice heavy with exhaustion. “I just want to shut off my mind, to stop remembering, to stop considering if I should’ve done things different, if I could’ve avoided this… I just want a break, if only for a few hours…”
Unable to find enough words to calm her, I hugged her tighter, pulling her closer and resting my cheek against her hair.
“And you’re so good to me...” she said then, making me furrow my brow.
I understood what she was going through, but I couldn’t comprehend why she couldn’t accept what I gave her. I had reassured her countless of times that she was my priority, regardless of any other relationships or relatives I had scattered across the globe. Lia was everything. She had practically been my beginning, and she would be my end.
Suddenly, Lia slipped from my embrace, not to escape, but to face me and return the hug, burying her head in my chest.
“I dont deserve you,” she sobbed.
“Says who, huh?” I countered.
“Me.”
“Well,” I lifted her chin with a finger, “you’re wrong, Lia Parker. So, get that stupid thought out of your head.”
With a hand, she rubbed her nose before sniffling and keeping her grip on me, her hands tied at my back.
“I want to do so much,” she began. “I want to write, and draw, help others. I want to be useful, make something meaningful. I don’t want to feel lost again.”
“You’re not lost, Lia. And if you were, I’d always find you.”
We stood in silence, holding onto each other, her body pressed to mine, the gentle breeze embracing us. Lia’s eyes sparkled brighter with tears, but I didn’t want them there. I craved her smile, the laughter lines around her eyes, the dimples and flush on her cheeks.
Lia was not a child anymore; she was a stunning beautiful woman whose past shadows lingered, echoing with the pain she struggled to silence. But despite the weight of her struggles, she was strong, and nothing could keep me from seeing that resilience that she refused to let be extinguished.
Yet, every time I looked at her in those quiet moments made for affection, I saw the little girl I had taught to play guitar, the one who had tried to teach me to make flower crowns, the first girl I had let sleep in my bed and the first to bless me with my first kiss.  
I couldn’t stop myself.
Brushing aside the strands of her hair that danced in the wind, I tucked them behind her ear and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on the tip of her nose.
She didn’t recoil or startle, but rather furrowed her brow and playfully protested, “Don’t be so sweet,” which only made me laugh. “Keep it up, and you’ll end up kissing me again.”
“Would you mind?” I asked with a grin. “Because I certainly wouldn’t.”
She huffed and swatted my chest.
“Bad boy,” she said, but then she nestled into my neck, finding a comfortable spot between my shoulder and chest. “When was the last time you hooked up with someone, anyway?”
“I honestly can’t even remember,” I admitted with a chuckle. It was the truth. “I might as well go celibate at this point.”
“Oh, sure,” her laughter reverberated through me, a beautiful sound that warmed my heart. “With whatever other books you must be reading about sex I doubt that’s something you would achieve.”
“Don’t underestimate me. I can read about sex and still be celibate.”
“Stop it,” she pleaded as her laugh increased. “I hope it’s not because of me,” she said next in a hushed, quieter, and serious tone.
“It’s not because of you,” I replied, though I wasn’t entirely convinced of that myself. “Don’t worry,” I said, brushing my lips against her head again. It felt comforting, her hair was soft, and it smelled so good. What wasn’t to love about this moment with her in my arms?
“I shouldn’t have let you leave the studio for me,” she continued, taking a deep breath against my shoulder. “They guys will hate me for keeping you away when the first show is just around the corner.”
“The guys understand what you’re going through and couldn’t care less if I’m in the studio with them today or not. I’m sure some of them are relieved not to have me bossing them around.”
“You are pretty bossy…”
“Hey, getting sassy again, are we?” I retorted, pulling away slightly to meet her gaze, which she tried to hide in my hoodie, holding tightly to my back to avoid letting me see the grin on her face.
Her laugh filled the air as she squirmed in my hold, and I couldn��t help but cherish the moment, silently hoping and praying that moments like these would bring some healing to her.  
Come afternoon, we settled into comfortable hours lounging on the couch, each engrossed in our own tasks. Lia was focused on completing song lyrics while I worked on my MacBook.
Eventually, we waved Jolly and Jesse off, who had their own plans for the evening. Jesse was going to visit his parents for his mother’s birthday and would stay with them for a few days, while Jolly was heading to Emery’s place after finally deciding to take things further in their relationship.
Lia and I couldn’t resist teasing him, a constant since the night Emery had stayed over and slept in his bed. While there was no 3am chicken wing date for me and Lia, it was clear that Emery and Jolly had hit it off, evident in their flirtatious interactions the next morning while prepping breakfast.
When Jesse announced he was leaving, Lia asked to check on the plants he had bought for his mom one last time. Jesse expressed his gratitude for her care of the plants since he had acquired them from the botanical gardens.
Once Lia and I were alone, it was already past seven, and we found ourselves back on the couch. Lia’s feet rested on my lap while I massaged her toes, watching another episode of Attack on Titan on TV as she worked on coloring some design on her iPad.
After the episode ended, I suggested Lia that we could video call Grandma. It had been a while since we last spoke to her, and we hadn’t mentioned anything about Lia’s situation with Mitch, only that they had broken up when things stopped feeling right. Grandma was aware of their relationship but knew little about what had happened later. Despite my efforts to downplay the situation when I spoke to her —Lia was in no condition to tell her—, Grandma always seemed to sense when something was going on. It didn’t matter how good I could pretend to make it sound as if Lia was fine and over it.  Even if she wouldn’t address it directly, she could feel when something was broken. And when she saw Lia that afternoon, their conversation shifted to a somber silence after the initial joy of seeing each other on the screen, and Grandma’s eyes grew teary.
Lia and Grandma had a special connection that allowed them to communicate without words, and soon, Lia was seeking comfort nestled against my shoulder, trying to hold back her tears.
To lighten the mood, I smoothly transitioned the conversation to our upcoming trip to Japan, scheduled for a month after our tour in the States. Grandma was eagerly anticipating our visit and couldn’t wait to have us in her little house in the village after our shows in four different cities across Japan concluded. I shared her excitement, looking forward to spend some time away from home and submerged in a different country of a different culture with Lia.
After our videocall with Grandma, Lia and I turned our attention to dinner. Given her low spirits, Lia persuaded me to order takeout.
With a tray loaded with Chinese food and beer, we headed to the studio, setting up the bed on the pull-out sofa and deciding to watch a movie while we ate. That night, after seeing how down she’d been all day, I couldn’t refuse her anything.
It was dawning on me that Lia was my weakness, and I feared there might be no turning back from that realization.
As the night went on, Lia’s mood seemed to lift. The alcohol played a part, but so did I.
We were snug while watching the movie, the empty tray now back in the kitchen and two more beers back with us in the studio, in our hands. Lia was practically nestled against my side, wearing nothing but one of my t-shirts that looked oversize on her and dark panties underneath. I noticed, but I kept that knowledge to myself.
One of my arms was draped around her shoulders, and she was casually sipping her beer as if nothing had troubled her earlier.
I realized I was starting to feel a little drunk when I noticed that Lia was already drunk.
Her attention had shifted from the movie to my neck, where she was staring intently at a spot I couldn’t see. Before I could ask, her index finger found my skin and traced a tiny tattoo that was there.
“Lia,” she said, reading the tattoo I had gotten years ago.
“My favorite girl,” I replied, wondering immediately where those words had come from because I couldn’t remember intending to say them.
With a wide smile, Lia shifted and straddled my lap, her hands landing on my shoulders, mine on her hips.
“I’m going to get another beer. Do you want one?” she asked, speaking as if a beer were candy and she were an excited child allowed to indulge in something sweet.
I made a face, letting my head fall back on the headrest of the couch.
“Come on, pleaaase!” she pleaded, starting to play with the short strands of hair at the nape of my neck. She was doing a pretty good damn job trying to convince me. “It’s just you and me tonight. Can we get drunk and have some fun?”
“We’re already having fun.”
She pouted, and I would have fallen to my knees had I been standing.
“Alright,” I conceded, dragging out the word and giving in to her.
“Yaay!” she cheered, hopping over my legs to get up and fetch another beer. “I’ll also get a bottle of water.”
As if that would make any difference…
When she returned, she had the bottle of water clutched to her chest with one arm and two more cans of beer in her hands. I looked at her disapprovingly, but I couldn’t say no when she gave me puppy dog eyes again.
Jesus Christ, what was that woman doing to me?
The second beer turned into a third, and the third, somehow, turned into a fourth.
By then, Lia was completely drunk, and me... I was drunk, too, of course. Some common sense remained, but I was starting to feel sleepy and a bit dizzy, and if Lia just looked at me with those big brown eyes again and asked for anything else, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second before giving it to her.
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Author's note: for the ones that have been following this series since I posted the first chapter, which is actually chapter 19, you know what happens next 😣 but I'm currently rewriting it and I'll be positing it in a couple of days, which will finally mean I've completed Koi No Yokan :)
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juni-ravenhall · 5 months ago
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updated these since the old ones were from 2020. not much is different, erased with white a bunch of options to make it easier to look at for me, changed some minor numbers that dont rly matter bc its not that easy to put those numbers down anyway.
some talk thats mostly about their relation to me and stuff about me instead of stuff about them below ��� (actually i should fill one of those out for me myself too. that could be fun)
i adjusted junis brother a bit focusing on just how hes like at the moment of having been rescued to jorvik, rather than thinking about his potential "real personality" if he was able to heal and become a more developed person instead of just full of trauma. i do want to eventually do something with the concept of what if he healed, or what if he hadnt been abandoned in pandoria to begin with? if hes intj like me (his behaviour is based on how i am when im completely broken down, which sadly has happened a lot in my life) then what would it be like to see him healthy and happy? its stuff id like to think about more eventually
also filled in that juni is enfj. back then i wasnt so sure what parts of her were different than me, over time i developed it and she really clearly became enfj. we both share high Ni aka my dominant function as intj but her dom Fe plays into the whole constantly being in contact w ppl thing - im also very caring and loyal, and i genuinely want to save everyone on earth and want everyone to be healthy and happy. i want society to be fixed (and ive got the ideas) and i want ppl to be kind and loving to each other. me and juni share that. but for me, i cant really handle talking to normies much bc their reality is just too different than mine. juni has no problem socialising with anyone, even if she ofc also has ppl shes the closest to and others who she might not get along with as much, its still easy for her bc Fe just has that harmonising feelings thing with others that i dont have (and being a dominant extrovert function, and not being ND, shes also not as exhausted by socialisation).
for me with low Fi i just dont really get much out of socialising for socialisations sake. its part of why i cant handle being on discord servers and stuff like that. i dont "vibe" with people in that way, i want to actually have interesting and intimate conversations and learn more about my friends, their backstory, their problems (can i help them?), their deep and genuine feelings (not stemming from copying others and peer pressure, group-think is extremely irrelevant to me and i dont view people differently if theyre supposedly in-group or out-group - im interested in everyone as an individual). for my whole life ive just been too different and for many reasons not been part of normie's society, so its just really alien to talk to normies. (as in, the abuse and isolation, the disability, the ptsd and depression, the queerness, and also just being intj, not really having a normal brain. i often wonder if the ppl who say bad things about mbti - besides the obvious "job and school mbti use is bad" yeah it is - have known what its like to just not be able to relate to almost anyone around you ever when it comes to personality. even online, even in a nerdy group, even in a place with ND people, even with queer people, even with disabled people, youre still different. you still cant relate. for me, finding out that im just a weird personality type was really important, and then i was able to study other ppl's personality types and now i actually get why people behave the way they do and why society functions the way it does for better or worse. which is a great thing to understand imo. the "omg mbti bad bc jobs and school and the tests are dumb" is one thing, but studying the functions and really truly diving into how other people function and how theyre different from you and how you all work and how the human history of the world has happened, is beautiful to me.)
as a low Fi person, with a focus on 1-on-1 connection rather than groups, i focus on talking intensely to the beloved weirdos on my computer, or posting my rambles and reading you guys rambles in return. u guys prob dont even realise, but for a lot of u, i remember like... u posting about ur job or school one time. what u posted about that u wanted to do or what ur upset about. i think about what ur ocs symbolise, why u write them that way, what part of ur personality and your lived experience, your feelings, makes u project this or that on characters. i think that a lot of ppl treat social media as a more shallow and "a drop in the ocean" type of thing, but for me, even ppl ive not talked to much on my dash, if youve been my mutual for some time, i think about you and remember things about you. if you post music i listen to it both to see if i might like the song but also bc im interested in what you like. i like learning things about people around me, the same way i like learning things about the world in general and spend obscene amounts of time studying and analysing the world both in its current and past. its an intj thing because its about my dominant Ni function, which loves analysing patterns and taking in information to process. but i dont mean that in a cold way, its an intimacy and friendship to me to learn things about you and understand you. not to "vibe" but to really know someone and see the puzzle pieces of their life. im very much about all the puzzle pieces that makes you You. im not saying its wrong to vibe and chill instead of analysing your mutuals like puzzles, just that this is something thats very different from how i am, and its been hard for me in life to relate to the way most people are.
idk if anyones reading this but some of you also prob noticed that i will pop out of nowhere and talk to you about some random thing you posted thats interesting to me, or send you a message of support if youre going through hard times. i remember when you posted that you were really sad and i notice that youre having a hard time when you post that youre sad again a month later. idk, its hard for me because im not always very emotional in a way that other people understand. i can come off as cold or quiet which in turn can come off as disinterested. but i just wanted to write it somewhere, to put out into the cosmos, that actually i care a lot about the little creatures on my dashboard and i hope that you notice even if my personality and behaviour is a bit different than what people are used to. people project mean things on me sometimes because im confident, for example, or because i stand up against things i think are harmful. because im not "loyal" if i tell a friend that theyre being rude, or im "rude" if im saying capitalism is bad. i can be projected as controlling (telling people "no" when theyre mean) or self-important (being confident in my skills and analysis) and other negative traits which is really unfair to do to someone just bc theyre different. to me i view everyone equally and i will tell off a friend if i have to, without meaning anything unkind by it. idk. ill stop rambling now bc its too much again (high Te will also do that) but i just have feelings and thoughts about that my beloved mutuals dont even know that theyre beloved and that my way of expressing myself is weird and its hard to live in society based around ppl who are very different than me in many ways. but learning mbti / jung functions was really great for me to feel understood and to understand others.
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oh-cramity-its-amity · 20 days ago
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rambling about my dad?
i remember being young and how much i looked up to my dad, you know? well maybe you don't but..- theres a photo somewhere of little 4 year old me in a big black t-shirt and a stocking cap in the living room of the house my dad kept despite the divorce. how that shirt was immensely big on me (you couldnt even see my feet!) and that hat looked so utterly strange despite my unruly hair. id been grinning so big.
other times where id wear his giant shoes to run outside because itd take so long to put mine on, and it felt like clown shoes for however old me. i love my dad so much, i thought he was - and still is - the smartest man ive ever known.
and yeah we might not have always been close. there were times when i was deeply afraid of him, but he showed up for me in ways my mother didn't. every minor band or basketball thing, he showed up. scheduled important surgeries and sat by my bedside. he always had a way of looking out for me. i understand the fear i had of him was in hindsight of how he was raised and his emulation from his parents. what changed was that he could admit fault and realize where he went wrong. changed and wanted to. he always had a habit of being stubborn and closing people off to prioritize them over himself. how resilient and strong he is, unbelievably so.
once i came out as a lesbian we did have a rift and then later when i realized i identified as nonbinary and changed my name. he was the first to take on. he's the only person in my personal life that uses and remembers everything about my identity. i think about that a lot. how supportive he is now.
for years i looked up to my dad. i wanted to be just like him. not gender wise but him as in how good and kind and the love he has.
theres something so... soft and heavy that hits me when i realize at 21 how alike we are. someone said "i know where you get your stubborness from" as i talked about my father today. even if im more so like my mom feature wise, our smiles line up. we are literally just the same in many ways mentally. we understand how each other thinks, i feel like i can tell him anything and he gets it; even if he might not respond to things in the way i might. he understands and is compassionate and lets me breathe and lets my independence exist.
crying on the phone hearing him tell me how proud he is of me wednesday, and its just a reminder of how much i love him. things have been rough but we are fighters. we dont back down when our body puts us on our ass with medical stuff.
things will be okay. i love my dad.
i just... want to cry thinking of me being like him. a good way though.
i took his name as one of my new middle names so i could use bj as a nickname even though everyone just uses billy.
seeing him last night- i wanted to hug him so badly. even with my ptsd flaring up cause hospitals... hes going to be okay. hes doing a lot better. a lot has been on my mind but we're holding it together. ive been just crying so much lately.
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nordidia · 1 year ago
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Regardless of how much attention they got, what are three things you've written or drawn that you're most proud of?
oh i love this question...
so i think what i get most proud of are my long comics,, despite the drawings being simple, i think i put alot more effort into just finishing them than i do like. coloured pieces etc... doing full pieces is more leisure than struggling to finish a long ass comic yknow. especially if its mental health related, i put alot of effort into them
so i think the one im most proud of is the sunset duo comic about PTSD flashbacks the way i experience them.,. i never really saw people talk about how they are for me so i decided to do it myself
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alot of people find comfort in it because they also have been longing for someone to talk about those kinds of flashbacks, where its not really pictures or specific memories, but more the feelings you felt during it. alot of people who have repressed memories have flashbacks this way it was very... cathargic. its the first thing that pops into my head when people ask about my emotion-comics. i think its my favorite
another one i really like is this one.
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its my first deep comic like that, and it kinda kicked off something in me, knowing what i wanted to create. its kinda old now, and my art has evolved somewhat, ive been thinking of re-doing it sometime
alot of my comics that are like this are based on my own struggles, and i make them to deal with my own, hoping that posting them will make others feel less alone. i also base leo on my irl bff like 98% of the time, and this was one of them.
i think that it marks kind of "the first" of stuff that i've gotten feedback on that it has helped others, and looking back on it gives me alot of motivation to continue doing art
hmm third one i really love is this one, with april
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i had this huge idea of going into detail about things, my own take on things. and i held that idea until i started drawing, and as i got to the end i realised: "wait.. i dont want to think about this. i dont want to have a take on someone's pointless suffering. i dont want him to have to remember it either. why do all comics have to elaborate on the struggling and then everything being okay? thats not how it works" and ended up completely re-writing it. i think it made it alot more in character too
at the time, i was in therapy. and we would often talk about what i do in my daily life and i would talk about the comics i make. and this was one she really liked hearing about, and she had a lot of praise for the way i ended it when i told her about my trail of thought
i hope this is comprehensible jdajkgfdsjk !!
i thinik. i like my art that includes leo .. is some of my favorite... i like writing him. he's very kind. he loves and respects raph alot, and i think he understands raph on a deeper level in some way. i cant explain it but. yueah!!! if i could have a fourth favorite it would be this one
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mooblesandsoups · 4 months ago
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Songs like sunlight
An mcyt battle of the bands au
Some people really like my snowbugs WIP and now I'm using it as an excuse to talk about my au because I like this au. (Btw feel free to ask questions about the au please I'll love to talk more about it)
CW: the entire entertainment industry, implied workplace abuse and talks about disabilities
World building/plot
SLS or The battle of the bands au is a secret life au that takes place in a dystopian world aesthetically based on ideas like cyberpunk and solarpunk.
After all of earth's greenery was almost destroyed as caused by the industrial revolution people turned to music and other arts to not only cope but to separate more from the technology that was destroying the earth.
Centuries later earth us flourishing with greenery (however their water supply is definitely not better) everywhere you walk you see everything from people on scooters to bikes to street artist showcasing their work to anyone who'll listen, of course nothing can be perfect and Companies have used the rising growth of music to its benefit.
The biggest music company in the world is Watchers Inc. A music company that has been booming since the introduction of their latest singer a masked singer only known as X by fans as well as controversies with former members... However this mysterious singer isn't their reason for popularity oh no it's how they choose their next talents.
Every decade Watchers Inc. Hosts a battles of the bands competition, choosing a selection of popular indie artist to compete for a prize, with the winner being offered a spot as a talent for Watchers Inc. Alongside their prize.
This year is particularly special with the introduction.. And reintroduction of some familiar faces now battling to win a grand prize, which band will come out on top? What secrets will be revealed? What kind of relationship will bloom? And which will have their failures and personal lives broadcasted live in front of millions.
Bands
As mentioned previously this au is secret life based as that was what was currently out when I first started this au do of course I enjoyed playing around with dynamics and how they all started theirs bands/careers.
Gem & The Scott's- indie/alternative music (can't explain but think of black sheep by metric. That. Specifically the one in Scott Pilgrim)
Starting off with gem and the Scott's, gem and impulse met each other because of a family friend leading to their eventual friendship. Soon enough gem had an idea, let's male a band. Both gem and impulse had a fascination for music considering it's how they became friends, so it just felt right in gems eyes. However they needed one more member and luckily she knows exactly who to ask.
Next thing Scott knows as he's relaxing at a bar enjoying his break from music when a random ginger woman runs up to him and ask to join her emo band. And he said yes for some reason so I guess it worked.
Mounders- folklore music
The mounders were founded by pearl a few months after her band's contract was terminated by Watchers Inc. So she decided to start fresh and gather some of her friends to set up a proper band.
Due to Pearl's previous success it wasn't too difficult getting back into business with some assistance from her bandmates and suddenly everything is good again.
The Roomies- pop? (Maybe? Like Oliva Rodrigo kinda pop not finalized)
The roomies aren't technically an official band Grian is considered a independence artist by many and switches around bandmates a lot because of his contract with Watchers Inc. However he trusts etho and Cleo the most and preforms with them as much as he can because they treat him like an actual person.
The heart foundation- Jazz (Dont ask me details I don listen to jazz music)
Couple of dudes work at a bar and play jazz music. I don't know what else you want they're just silly guys with a bit of PTSD
Big dogs- rap (because its funny)
Jimmy and Martyn were both in the acting business for awhile which is how they met. Jimmy has been and actor since childhood and Martyn only started during adulthood while doing music on the side. Soon enough Jimmy ends up ranting to Martyn about acting and how he's tired of it after doing it for so long so Martyn asks if he wants to become a musician with him and Jimmy agrees then the big dogs were born.
Scar & Lizzie- Lizzie is pop (but like theater kid pop if that makes sense) and scar is yet to be decided (maybe country?)
Lizzie and Scar are both individual performers both choosen through a popularity vote by the fans and watcher staff.
Extra fun stuff
This was mentioned in the WIP above but Scott is legally blind, however he was not born blind. He basically got the bad genetics in his family and eventually starts going blind over time. Its really not too important to the plot (besides some backstory stuff and self esteem issues) but it's an interesting detail that I'm doing lots of research to get right.
Lizzie and Joel are married in this au! I'm only bringing this up because my friend came up with a funny idea that Lizzie was unarguably the more popular of the two but Joel bragged about his popularity more.
Skizz owns the bar the heart foundation works at the boys typically do seperate performances and performances together while also helping around the bar itself however Skizz is known to hire small bands to preform as well.
The setting SLS takes place in is as mentioned very green but there are spaces around dedicated to paintings and art in general, like cleared up spaces dedicated to graffiti or street artists having their own spot to work.
Almost everyone in this world is a hybrid of sorts, I try to have fun using lesser used hybrid headcanons but some are just a bit basic. Is there lore reasons they're hybrids? No I just think it's cool.
Since this is a secret life au all the winners of the previous games are Grian, Scott and Pearl (they won together), and Martyn. Grian, Scott and Pearl had all taken the offers to join Watchers Inc. But only Grian remains meanwhile Martyn stayed independent and just took his prize and left.
On the topic of the winners it should be mentioned that all the winners do know each other in some way, Grian is cousins with Pearl and therefore knew Scott by association, Pearl and Scott are former band mates but are still close, Martyn and Scott are friends from highschool so pearl knows him by association, Grian met Martyn at a bar an became friends.
And that's all yall getting for now!
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cybercritterinyourcomputer · 4 months ago
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writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep
to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?
i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me
i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever
it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here
where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear
its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me
because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head
there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that
i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay
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