#i feel like i talk about my chronic illnesses too much but also not enough and i dont want it to come off like i want sympathy or anything

[pweepsiee]

INTRO!! :3

Please remember I am still an actual human being

I am not in any way shape or form yours, nor will I ever be. I am not your personal cam girl who falls at your feet.

If you can't handle that, go to someone else's blog.

I’m not always gonna be in the mood so if I’m not being sexual back to you just drop it. DO NOT SEND ME NUDES OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT UNLESS I MAKE A SPECIFIC POST ABOUT IT.

Prob only gonna be here for..(doing the math as I’m writing this..) three more years! :3

Not a dom!!!!

About me

Name: Estrella

Age: 18

Sexuality: bisexual (I lean towards women) (WHY ARE THERE NO DOMMES ON HERE?!

Religion: Hellenism

MBTI: INTP! Though you probably won't be able to tell unless you somehow manage to get the real me out hehe

Favorite shows: Gilmore girls, Shamless, Good Girls Favorite movies: Zootopia, Dumplin, Fear Street

Favorite books: Dracula, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Shadows of Perseus

My hobbies: painting, singing, writing, jewelry making, playing piano

My fav pet names: Missy/lil miss, angel, princess, baby/ babygirl, little one, love, sweetheart (probably others but I can't think of them..)

Lover of anything creepy, crawly, unsettling or dark!! (Only a vampire can love you forever, right?)

Also weirdly obsessed w Ancient Greece..wish I lived in that era ☹️

On a real note, I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety, waiting to be diagnosed! These are normally pretty debilitating for me but I try not to let it openly affect me too much. I also am suffering from a chronic illness so forgive me if my posting schedule is a little wonky!

I have multiple doms/dommes! Almost all of them are online, but a few are in person. These relationships are strictly D/s, nothing serious romantically! Always up for adding another dom/domme to my list :)

Yes I do indeed have daddy issues, did you come to check if I did hehe? If you're thinking "oh hooray!" Or whatever more mature celebration you're saying in your head, you re.probably going to be mildly disappointed. A lot of people (especially on here) have the misunderstanding that daddy issues cause girls to be super sexual, well, not true. I am indeed fact a pretty sexual person, but I'm not always going to be in the mood or down for sending/receiving spicy pics, l am after all a human being with many feelings. surprise surprise! That being said, my daddy issues are more (unless we're talking about a serious D/s relationship..you most likely won't have to worry about this unless we're getting into something serious the kind where I cry a lot and need to be treated like a princess haha. Enough ranting, the fun stuff is below :)

My kinks 🌈

Breeding/impregnation/birthing

Bondage

Praise!!

Vampire!!

Overstimulation

Knifeplay/gunplay

Piss

Uhhh probably some others that I can’t remember rn?..

DNI/hard limits:

Trying to force me to send you anything.

Getting upset if I don't respond right away or at all.

Hating on me and or my blog.

Persisting if I am clearly not in the mood or if I am age regressing.

Asking me to show my face

Anti BDSM/anti sex (wtf r u doing here then man)

Feet

Oral

Edging

Nipple play

Anything anal. Just..no. Exit only.

Anything that results in long lasting harm (I'm in poor enough health..don't even need to think about adding onto it.)

NO body shaming. Too sensitive for it :<

Bottom line-I am a human being, I have the right to deny any request, not respond, or not like something you do.

[sepublic]

Alright, let's talk about some details from the TOH pitch bible;

A lot of the stuff is what we've already seen and/or in line with the show. What's interesting is that King WAS a former King of Demons at one point, and we would've had an episode where he runs into his old gang and chooses Luz and Eda over them. It makes me wonder if he even had a connection to the Titan in earlier drafts, if he wasn't recognized as one back in the day because he just wasn't big enough, etc. Eda makes a deal to help remove the collar, which IS the source of King's woes, placed by a 'mysterious wizard', I wouldn't be surprised if it was Obron AKA Proto-Belos.

What gets me is that Tibbles originally started off as a friend to the protagonists, while Bump was an antagonist! Coupled with Tibbles being re-elected as mayor after Bump is deposed for corruption. I like the detail of Bump being a parasite controlling a body from the head, because it carried over into his final design with Frewin, and before we got confirmation Frewin was a separate entity, I loved the joke theory that the imp on Bump's head was the REAL Bump!!! Seems that was always the implied story of the design, I love it. Tibbles being the demon fan of human stuff would eventually become Gus instead, so this is technically Proto-Gus too…?

Interesting how Bump and Tibbles' alignments switch completely with one another, and it makes sense that with Lilith no longer the principal in the final draft, it goes to Bump, who ends up being really chill and a subversion in his own right! Interesting, but I do prefer the final Bump we got, and that's fine by me, because when the concepts aren't as interesting as the final product, it means we got the best possible version.

I've already discussed Obron and William in a separate post, and Pupa is someone we've been told about in a previous livestream. Lilith would've been both head of all covens (and not just the Emperor's Coven) AND principal at the same time, and she seems much more of a jerk to Eda in general; She has no qualms with cursing Eda because of a direct order from Obron.

Apparently the curse would've been an AGING spell, which settles my questions on how it would've been portrayed in earlier drafts! This goes along with Eda's older look. Likewise, there would've been a subplot of Eda considering Luz's sacrifice as a way to restore her youth, which likely goes hand in hand with Obron's orders to bring Luz to her, etc. The 'Bloom of Eternal Youth' quest, which Eda and Lilith go through together as their sisterly relationship is explored, feels like a carryover from this past idea.

I think I prefer the final draft; I like that the curse isn't just aging Eda, but also takes away her magic, makes her turn into a beast, etc. I like Lilith being a lot more complicated in her relationship with Eda, instead of just hating her and cursing her without hesitation. The redefining of the curse makes it less about age, and more a chronic illness metaphor, and I like how Eda in the final draft is upfront about having to learn to live with it, deal with it, on her own terms. She isn't trying to find a cure (although Lilith being promised one by Obron feels like a carryover of Eda's moral dilemma with Luz), and that adds another nice dimension to her conflict with Lilith, as well as Gwen. It's pretty frank in its own right about normalizing disability, and those who play an antagonistic role (however brief) are the real weirdoes for making such a fuss about it.

The Bat Queen would've had more of a recurring role based on the description, which saddens me; I always got the vibe she was planned for more, but between all of the other stuff the show had to juggle, plus the shortening, she ended up getting shafted despite being one of the earlier characters. Sashley, Pasha, and Bruno are also interesting, with Pasha in particular giving me freaking Philip Wittebane vibes with his grossness, beard, and anti-demon attitude; He even starts off as a potential friend to Luz because fellow human, only for his true bigotry to show. Makes me wonder if Philip ended up incorporating Pasha, we also have bodily transformation because of consuming magical stuff... P-names.

(Also, I like how in the drawing of typical Demon Realm denizens, I can see an eye demon who resembles a past drawing of Dana's!!!)

Eda was actually a late bloomer, which creates a parallel with Luz in one way, and their relationship is referred to as sisterly (in the final draft it’s explicitly maternal). So Eda wouldn't have been the talented youth, in fact things may have switched between her and Lilith; Lilith's disdain may have partially come from Eda not being as innately talented as her.

Luz and Amity's dynamic seems like it would've had Amity retain a lot of her more stand-offish, pragmatic personality even as a friend with Luz, and this would've come up more; So basically, she'd remain more like S1 Amity. That, or this part of their relationship would've lasted longer, and then we would've seen character development as Amity unlearns a lot of the issues her parents passed on. I also wonder if the Willow who cameos in the pilot was originally supposed to just be an extra separate from ‘Paulina’, but then they combined the two together.

The themes are exactly as I expected, glad to see they're still there, nothing changed! Luz becoming a witch and defying all odds to do so, putting in real work and passion. Celebrating individuality amidst conformity, plus Luz trying to impose her own fictional tropes onto the world, only to have to put that aside... Just like Wing it like Witches. It seems Amity would've had more involvement with Luz's journey to become a witch, though we still do have a carryover of that disconnect with her rant near the end of Covention.

I love the Demon Realm being situated BELOW the Human Realm, way to be subtle about being Hell you guys lol... Apparently portals to the human world are a lot rarer to find and use, which makes me wonder if the pilot's 'dimension port' doesn't have access to the human world; Meaning Amity is Luz's only way back, so her improved relationship with her is linked to getting back home. There's a gag about the Knee having service with the human world, but I can see how that didn't make the cut, for dramatic purposes; It seems like the premise for a S1 episode or at least a B-plot. Would Luz have struggled to communicate with Camila through this, or would her search for wi-fi be for mundane reasons?

Apparently Luz's magic would've required a lot more steps to complete, and I see why the show simplified things down to just glyphs. I wonder if there was always going to be the connection of glyphs as a gift from the Titan, or if the Titan and her story was going to be less intertwined in the overall narrative. There also don't seem to be nine main covens, just the many, many covens, some of which are pretty ridiculous, and Covention's sub-covens seem a callback to that.

Luz's first spell would've been levitation, and THEN she would've infiltrated Hexside, with Amity being a lot subtler about exposing Luz, though in the final draft she does figure that out as the way to go in I was a Teenage Abomination. Yeah, I prefer Light being her original spell, feels so much more symbolic and personal, etc. I wonder if the Titan is even as much of a character in early drafts, and if there's still the whole connection/relationship with the land and learning to respect it aspect. Some of these hypothetical episodes push the idea of Amity as a more episodic, typical popular kid antagonist, though in the final draft, the show goes through her character development and explores Amity's romantic relationship with Luz and its complications.

It seems the idea of the Mirror Ghost was split into Adegast and Vee, with Adegast being the one who offers the easier narrative for Luz to believe in about becoming a witch (only to be a fraud who uses uncanny puppets), and Vee being a doppelganger whom Luz communicates through with mirrors. Interesting how Yesterday's Lie was born from this. We saw the test animation from Spencer Wan for TOH, so I guess we know what Luz's puppet-doppelganger is called! And we can safely call her Proto-Vee. I wonder if she also would've been a sympathetic character, I always thought she reminded me of Lake from Infinity Train (and speculated her to be as such since Enchanting Grom Fright), and now the similarities are even MORE apparent!

Alas, The Good Witch Azura, or 'The Unassuming Princess' seems like it'd have been a lot less dear to Luz's heart, as the pilot also reflects; In the end, it turns out the author is just Eda's ex using her adventures as basis, and including private information. I remember when I once speculated that Raine, before we saw their face, would've been just like this as the author of Azura... Again, I think I prefer Azura as being a lot less mean-spirited in the final draft, and instead a celebration of who Luz is as a person, her relationship with fantasy and fiction, etc. We also would've had a Luz birthday party, the Quincenera we've been hoping for since S1...! In the final draft (and episode) we still get that Human-Demon Realm disconnect, though by that point, Luz is much more attuned and chill with the isles.

There’s definitely more of an episodic, sitcom feel to this pitch bible, especially when you compare Proto-Yesterday’s Lie to its final version. Makes sense, Dana is pitching this to Disney executives, though her statement on Understanding Willow feeling truly like her show makes me wonder if she always intended to push TOH in that more serious, emotional route we got.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Hey! If you don't mind sharing, I'd be interested to hear more about your chronic illness diagnosis journey (I also get that it can be a private thing!).

I've been struggling for the last 5 or so years with chronic fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle pain and brain fog, and my doctors have checked a bunch of different things. EBV, thyroid, vitamin D, "are you sure you're not just depressed" and they've now gone for ME/CFS. A part of that just doesn't feel right to me because I feel like they should have done more tests or walked me through alternatives before settling! Especially because it fluctuates so much. Sometimes I can't leave the house, sometimes I have to borrow a wheelchair if I'm in a shop, sometimes I can walk 5000 steps??

Love and support for you and your gluten free adventure - potatoes, rice and polenta tend to be pretty good for me when I want something bready! (Doesn't quite hit the spot as well as buttered toast does though...)

My decline was really painfully gradual. I didn’t realize why things were getting so much harder. It manifested first with friction between my beloved because they were frustrated I was always too tired to run little errands myself. I went to the doctor and talked about my fatigue but was assured I was fine. I went on Chinese herbs and they buoyed up my reserves so I could keep functioning.

That went on for months, just getting more and more tired. I’d wake up sobbing because I wasn’t any more rested than I’d gone to bed. I went to a new doctor at that point. I got diagnosed with anemia until my blood work came back normal and then I was told I was fine.

Then I started fainting. My hair was falling out. I went to a different doctor. She ran my blood. I got told I was fine, but that maybe I had a food allergy. She slapped me with a full elimination diet that broke my spirit. I did feel some minor improvement but I wasn’t healthy by any means.

Finally, my good friend who is a doctor said that’s enough. She was in a different state but she was furious that I wasn’t getting any help. She ran my blood on a bunch of different ailment tests that were less well known. She tested for antibodies to EBV. If you have over 20 they consider you to have an active infection.

I had over 700 which is when they stop bothering to count.

I was so chock full of virus I was pound for pound virus by that point.

Then came the hard part. Knowing you’re bursting at the seams with a virus doesn’t make it easy to treat. The virus was living in me, in my cells. Too much of the medication and my body would start siccing it’s defenses against its own tissue.

I went on a bonanza of supplements. There was syrups to boost energy, pills to increase my immune system, antivirals, iron and vitamin D because those were kinda low. It was a three times a day regime of medicines.

My initial dose of antiviral was too high. I experienced a pain unlike what any mortal should bear as a result, dropping to the ground to writhe in agony when it hit. My dosage got lowered and my progress crept along.

I started school sometime in there and barely kept my head afloat above coursework. My stress load from school correlated to how much energy I had and I longed to finish my degree and just prioritize feeling better.

Then things got worse. My original doctor friend let her prescription rights for my state lapse, it didn’t make financial sense to keep them. A different friend from yet another state wrote my antivirals for a while but eventually I needed a new doctor.

I found another, this time a naturopathic doctor like my friends, hoping I’d keep receiving good care in that scope of practice. I didn’t. I had the most painful blood draw of my life in her office, writhing in agony, then didn’t hear back from her. I got ghosted by my doctor. When I pestered her for results she wrote me a script for antivirals but that was all.

I’d find out about eight months later when my health was declining and my friends demanded to see my blood work that my iron had been dangerously low but she hadn’t bothered to tell me. I got on iron supplements and staggered along.

Through precision time management I could budget my functional time into schoolwork then collapse to recuperate. It was working, but barely.

When my scrip on antivirals ran out I hunted once again for a doctor. This time I’d realized that any good care I’d gotten was when I’d made a personal connection with the doctor, a rare privilege not many people got. So I sought out a friend of a friend, someone I’d seen on occasion in the doctory social circle.

I have never been more happy with a doctor. She tested my viral numbers and pronounced herself satisfied that it was in check but was suspicious that although my thyroid numbers always looked normal that something was going on there. She ran more tests and lo. A thyroid imbalance.

Around that time I’d sunk into needing the chair. I stopped functioning, it was almost as bad as my first collapse. And yet again the fun part of getting my thyroid in balance was a delicate balance of making sure I wasn’t taking too much and hurting myself.

That balancing act took about a year to stabilize. I was still so weak from years of fatigue and inactivity. An able bodied person cannot imagine how hard it is to build up from ground zero on all your muscles. And the worst part was any time I felt tired I was terrified I was going to slip back down into the depths of exhaustion.

Then my beloved and I got Wyvern the puppy. And before we realized we had both somehow developed allergies to dogs and had to break our hearts giving him up, he saved me the last time.

Potty training meant I had to get up every two hours to take him out. I didn’t have to walk far but I had to do it consistently. Every single day I’d go to bed aching in every muscle, terrified to wake up. But every day I woke up with energy and was able to do it again.

It was like puppy boot camp, and I was able to go longer and farther every walk. By the time we realized we couldn’t keep him I was mobile again, I hadn’t needed my chair at all. When we said goodbye to him I promised I wouldn’t lose the progress he helped me make.

Now I finally, for the first time in six years, feel healthy again. I can go on long walks, I can run little errands for my beloved, I can fill my days with activity and wake up to do it again the next day. It’s the most amazing thing.

I hope you can stumble upon a doctor who can listen to you and help you. I know how hard things can get, but sometimes they can get better.

[shellxrls]

okay let’s talk about how John b fucks. because ohmyfuckinggod

he has such and incredible, immaculate, crazy, aneurism inducing stroke game I cannot even begin to describe it. he just gets it. like ughhh.

he’s so thick and girthy and his VEINS!!! ugh. like I swear it just makes it even better. he has this one vein that runs alll the way down the underside of his cock NMFJFJDH. perfection.

okay I’m going off topic. when John b fucks. he takes it seriously. he will never, and I mean never intentionally neglect someone that he loves. and he is very very firm about that rule in the bedroom.

he always takes it slow at the beginning. he is amazing with the foreplay. sloppy kisses and HEAD!!! AMAZING HEAD!!!! and fingering. oh the fingering.

he knows he’s big, and he knows that it’s nearly impossible to get used to like ughhgh. has to spend minutes jst using his fingers to get me stretched out and ready.

and yall already know HE TALKS THROUGH IT!!! he uses the nickname ‘dolly’ which honestly I wasn’t expecting but I did not complain I can tell you that.

he lovessss pretty noises, and honestly acts like he’s not expecting it and maybe he isn’t but like.. ?? you really expect me not to whimper when ur four fingers knuckles deep inside??

but genuinely, he’s so soothing and lovely. comforting works and always coaxing sweetly.

the foreplay varies by instance but the sex is almost always the same. medium paced, gentle but rough, and soooo just ugh. makes the brain go to mush on autopilot.

he’s just so daddy. like omg. omg. ugh. daddy. he is daddy. daddy is him. I cannot exaggerate this enough.

he is dick is so perfect literally every time he goes in he hits that spot. you know the spot.

he makes these little grunting noises every time he thrusts in it’s so hawt like omg.

he LOVES a good mating press.

he’s also a titty sucker. and. he is. a. TOTAL. munch. he’s so sloppy when he’s suckin on the clit all perfect.

and you bet he does not EVER struggle to find the clit either. this man has experience.

he is also HEAVY. like his whole person he jst pins me down so effortlessly ugh. he literally radiates dominance.

he’s also a chronic clit rubber 🤞🏻always had a thumb on my clit over my shorts or under my skirt.

and he reeks of casual dominance. if I’m being bratty or just whiny he’ll just cup my pussy like it’s nothing. talking in that low voice like SLUT ME OUT.

he lovesss receiving head. normally he’ll be sitting down, me on my knees infront of him. he holds my hair back and guides me <333 ugh he is just SO daddy.

he also loves dry humping <3 ugh like if we’re outside the chateau at sunset n ill just hump on him for ages like YESSS.

also this surprised me but he has a mild choking kink, not like hardcore but he’ll wrap a hand round the throat definitely, even if he doesn’t apply too much pressure.

he’s also a pretty moaner <3

massive breeding kink too!!!! like ugh mhh ohh I love it. he shoots BIG loads so those creampies are immaculate.

when it’s all finished he’ll dip and hand down and scoop some of his cum up and feed it to me <333 mhh

and he is the KING!!! of aftercare. the absolute sweetest. has a checklist in his mind of things to make sure we both keep up our personal hygiene during and after sex. always wiped me up and is very avid that I don’t do too much very physical stuff after cause he fucks for a long time and he fucks deep so bet I’ll be tired af.

lots of cuddles and kisses <33 ugh love him.

okay I think that’s all the points but if I’ve missed anything out or if there’s anything else yall wanna know lmk!!

- rafe shifter

CRYING SCREAMING THIS IS MY BIBLE. this is my holy text oh my god.

PLSS i know that one vein must jut out and feel so fucking GOOD ohmygosksjsjdk.

i can’t even function him just being casually dominant and so daddy mode is making me SICK . clenching my thighs i knew he wld be like this <33.

‘dolly’ IS SO CUTE IM SICK PLEASE. it’s def the grandpa in him and i’d say it to his face no shame 🙏🏼.

i can imagine the grunts i know they’re practically punched outta him with every grind and thrust AGH !!

love that he uses your clit like a little fidget toy that so cute !! i’d never stop wearing shorts and skirts around him tbh bcuz that’s daddy wdym !!

also jeez i need to write a breath play drabble with him now bcuz i’d never though ab it before but i bet those biceps are perfect for choking someone out <3.

i love him so much and once again THANK YOU BABES !! cannot ever say it enough honestly this has been the highlight of my week and i love talking ab it with you <3.

[anachronisticmech]

As a disabled person, the ‘bedrotting “trend”’ is absolutely disgusting.

I don’t even know how to explain all my feelings about it, but seeing ableds talk about it like something they can choose to do, something they can do for fun, even, makes me feel absolutely awful.

Some days I am stuck in bed for long amounts of time because it hurts too much to move or I’m too dizzy to even sit up, and my chronic illness is not the worst example of even people who have the same chronic illness as me.

I can physically feel my muscle rotting on particularly bad days because of my lack of movement. They may not actually be rotting, but that doesn’t change how it feel to me. I feel like my body is dying constantly, and I can’t do anything but lie here and scroll through Instagram reels with a heat pillow between my back and the mattress.

My depression also affects my getting up, though I mainly want to focus on chronic illness and physical disability since I feel like it isn’t talked about enough.

That is not a hobby, a trend, or a past time. That is a seriously worrisome act that shows how much chronic illness (and other disorders) can disable those who have it.

I do not cry at night after a long day of laying in my bed because I was too sore and sick to do anything else for some able bodied person to say that it’s ‘perfect’ and try to make it aesthetic.

Fucking think about what your doing. Us disableds are left out of so many peoples minds, either unintentionally, or because people don’t want to or see the point in thinking of us. And it’s horrible.

I got very upset seeing some of the things people were saying while trying to claim it was a ‘trend’ and just needed to rant about it. Please think about us before you do shit like this.

[anonymouslydisabled]

Some small chronic illness/disability tips!

Here's a list of random minor advice that I've accumulated in my short experience of being a psychically disabled person who gets dizzy and pained standing for too long. (slight emeto tw)

Evaluate how much of your life and daily routine is spent standing, it's a lot when you actually think about it! Try to focus on small ways you can sit more day-to-day. Just simple things like brushing your teeth while sitting or getting dressed seated can make a really big difference!

Keep your disability aids by your bed oh my god it took me so long to get this one down because of a need for organization but having a little organized pile of things that help your disability that you can reach from your bed is the most helpful thing ever.

This one is kind of similar to #2 but specifically food and water. Keeping a large water bottle (equivalent to 2+ cups of water) next to your bed, as well as some food (crackers work great for lack of appetite and nausea) can really help on days when I can't or shouldn't get out of bed too much.

If you don't already have one, consider a mobility aid, actually life changing, and there are a lot of different types than you might know!

Don't let hustle culture make you feel like shit when you can't work out or go on a daily walk or generally just be "productive" enough. Sounds easier than it is but please try to remind yourself that your productivity does not equate to your worth and you on your worst days is just as good and worthy of a person as you on your best days.

This tip isn't for everyone but I have a health diary where I log symptoms and episodes, mainly seizures. I don't do it very thoroughly but it still helps give me a sense of security and also has helped me navigate life with daily seizures so much!

Talking to your disabled friends, making a disability-based social media account, or even just watching disabled people talk about being disabled on social media has helped me tremendously to feel less alone.

Try to prioritize how something is going to affect your body and symptoms over how it's gonna make an able-bodied person or group of people feel. If going to an event is going to cause you to flare-up, your friends thinking you're a "buzzkill" isn't as important as your health. If using a mobility aid is going to get you weird looks in public, it still helped you that day! I know this once again sounds easier than it is, but try to remind yourself that your health matters most!

This is everything I have right now, I might add more later, and if you have anything you'd like to add please feel free to comment or reblog!

[matchakuracat]

chronically ill/physically disabled people, how do you deal with doctors appointments? what do you say/do to advocate for yourself? im autistic and not diagnosed with a chronic illness yet and i really struggle to know what to say to get them to listen to me and understand so that i can get the help and care i need. even if i bring someone with me, they also need to know what to say and i don't know anyone who understands well enough to explain to the doctor for me, which means that i have to tell them what to say before going. but that's the problem since i just don't know.

i have chronic joint pain that ive had for years but has only gotten worse over time. i also have hypermobile knees which are the worse they've ever been right now. i'm chronically fatigued and barely have the energy to eat and do basic hygiene. i have a few friends that i talk to fairly regularly and im very thankful for them but i still struggle so much with maintaining a social life when i cant even maintain my own physical wellbeing. i only go outside when i absolutely have to/when my pain is low enough and i have enough energy. on average i probably leave my house about once or twice a week, usually to go to medical appointments, to an internship i have once a week or to go grocery shopping. i usually try to do both at the same time if i can (like going grocery shopping after my internship) but most of the time i have to ask my parents to get me groceries since i dont have enough energy to. all i want is to be able to go outside just to take short walks and enjoy nature and the fresh air but i can't do so without the right treatment/a mobility aid. everything im doing right now is bordering the line of too much. im constantly tired and overwhelmed and everything feels like a struggle, even the smallest tasks most people do everyday without thinking twice about it.

i have almost only had bad experiences with doctors and other medical professionals like physiotherapists, which has given me a lot of extra anxiety on top of my already pretty bad social anxiety. i really struggle to make appointments and even more so to go to them, and when i bring myself to do so i really struggle to express myself and explain how i feel and how i want them to help me. i almost always get shut down and offered no actual help with any of my problems. i just don't know what to do anymore.

if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it. i know that i can't give up because my life right now without accommodations is too miserable, but i also don't know how to move forward.

sorry if this was hard to understand. i really tried my best to explain but im having a bit of a hard time expressing myself right now due to feeling worse than usual.

[affableramen]

Assorted creditor Pantalone x afab!debtor reader headcanons. Episode one

((highly requested))

tags: tsundere!pantalone ; condescending, slightly vulgar villain ; he is a meanie ; toxic relationship ; early stage of relationship ; manipulative Lone ; slight degradation+humiliation ; choking ; slap dynamics (you slap him) ; degrading names (“bitch”) ; pet names (“kitten”) ; sexual themes ; criminal themes ; pantalone has chronic illnesses

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT Madman’s note: I like mean guys and judging by what we know about Pantalone so far (Arlecchino’s voice-line, Lazzo teaser, Wriothesley’s weapon, Pantalone’s artefact) he fits this category perfectly. I see the pattern of a rude boy here. Charming on the outside but once he opens his mouth it’s disgusting (hahaha.) He probably likes mocking and lecturing others, that’s for sure vibing in the Lazzo. He also talks a lot (thanks Cholde). As for the toxic assorted au, Ik half of you don’t like reading gentle n sweet Pantalone, but when I see this man I just can’t imagine him being cruel to his lover who accepted him when the Gods did not. I really think he is very soft inside (with a person he trusts). He’s all about equality and fairness so probably he treats people the way they treat him, and if ur nice to him, well Panty acts with equal respect to you back. That’s for the personality part. Speaking of other aspects, at least you guys get a happy ending. Coz I hate bad endings. Don’t wanna fuck up huge efforts. The angst and struggle was worth it. Come get your man guys. He’s like the mean classmate who bullies you but is secretly in love with you. As for the gentleman part, I wish I could write something more than just him protecting the lady, coz I believe Pantalone to be a big deal of a gentleman who has his standards even though what he does for a living is very questionable. I’m afraid it will be too much information for this post already. I must also mention that he might say a lot of disturbing and condescending things in the beginning. Oh, and to avoid any misconception--i don’t like writing innocent readers. My reader is fierce, chronically exhausted and crazy.

⟣

“You will be my prize. A perfect fit for a powerful man like me. You have no friends, your parents are far away, the only person to care for you is your grandmother who was, for sure, foolish enough to take a loan from Northland Bank. You are helpless in front of me, and I enjoy seeing that smug smirk disappear from your face once you realise you’re completely at my mercy. All alone, with your life depending on me. And I will, by any means, show you mercy if you are worthy enough.”

Said Pantalone as your résumé was forcefully slapped down on his desk. Your past jobs, experiences and skills — all in front of him, in his long fingers which are sliding through the pages as if it were an action book.

Your grandmother, indeed, was the only dearest person you had and, unfortunately, in order to save your life (and future) she took the risk of becoming a debtor to the old devilish banker who was by any means an extremely questionable person.

You had a rough path of changing jobs, trying to find the most fitting and well-paid one, however ending up in only worse conditions. A few years passed like this, the workload traumatised you so much that you couldn’t believe two years had passed since you started doing work for a living. Your grandmother was too prideful to retire, but you both knew her money alone could not sustain your happiness.

And thus, you ended up under Pantalone’s sharp gaze. Now, standing up in front of him with an unfazed expression, knowing too well this man just adores chewing on others’ suffering.

“Fuck you and your long ass monologues”, you think but your face remains cold.

The tapping of his fingers suddenly stops. You feel your heart sink, and it makes you wanna vomit.

“What was that? The look on your face just a moment ago”, Pantalone takes his glasses off and looks at you sharply. You can feel that heavy presence with your skin alone. The violet charm of his eyes suffocating you. His whole presence does nothing but choke you.

“Beg your pardon?” You narrow eyes and ask him as politely as possible.

“Were you thinking something a bit ago, dear? Or should I say, were you doubting my professionalism?”

“Shit, he is reading my mind. I have to think about something stupid.”

“You’re so untamed and so… wild, I’d say”, he says as he rises from his desk and approaches closer to you. “But alas, I can’t discount your value after one mere impression, can I? That would be too unconscionable of me as a businessman.”

You see him lean to your ear, his body bending cause of how tall he is, and you feel nauseous once he opens his mouth again.

“Your résumé is trash, but I’m not a monster everyone thinks I am. I will let you work under me because of how persuasive your grandmother has been. Though, I’ll be watching you, kitten. Perhaps I’ll even put you under my strict supervision—"

A sharp slap lands on his cheek. That is the moment Pantalone should realise that your pride cannot be underestimated. With his face thrown to the side, he pats his cheek, holding his fingers on the reddened skin.

“…at the lowest position”, he finishes the sentence. “Heh, the audacity of yours.”

Pantalone grabs your throat, your is suddenly pulled closer. While being choked heartlessly you turn your eyes to him and hold them for a few long deep moments.

“I’m not afraid of you”, the words come out of your mouth weakly. “Just let me work for you. I won’t be plotting anything. Not interested, to be exact.” He keeps suffocating you, you almost roll your eyes at the back of your head before the banker finally releases you. You slowly fall onto your knees. “Haah… hha…”

“I’d never be mean to a lady. But a particular someone just doesn’t know any manners.”

He signs the papers quickly, squeezes a used draft in a ball and throws it into the trash bin. The signature he leaves on your zero-hour contract is so lazily made as if the man wanted to deal with you as soon as possible.

“Don’t disappoint me. You wouldn’t like to see me when I’m angry.”

“Thank God”, you sigh in relief, despite being choked a few seconds ago.

His movements, his body are so quick and flexible, you do not notice how the eyeglasses return to his face.

“You have a zero hours contract here, but I’ll personally make sure you work not less than six days a week.”

“Just so you know, I won’t kill for you. That goes against my principles.”

Pantalone raises his eyebrows, giving you a bored look.

“I wouldn’t let you have a privelege like that anyway. I have enough henchmen of my own to stain hands with unneccessary violence.”

When the conversation ends, you go to the bathroom and throw out. This man gives goosebumps, and he is not easy at all.

To your biggest surprise, as a leader Pantalone turns out capable enough. Just seeing him intricately managing his resources and employees makes you admire him at some point. No matter how unattractive his personality, for sure, was, none could not deny the fact that he is a skilful individual. He possess finesse and determination. Though speaking of his other traits, you cannot ignore the fact how suave he is. Women touch him with or without his consent all the time. And you’d agree: the man is attractive. Affable demeanour in public, though quite closed in private. “Closed” is an understatement. He is, in fact, incredibly emotionally unavailable.

His ill-favoured personality, hidden under that affable demeanour and polished looks, however, could not prevent you from falling. For him. And you are gradually finding yourself more and more addicted to him. Brushing off these ideas as soon as possible, of course. Occasional touch of your fingers, frequent looks he’d give you. You cannot remember the exact moment when Pantalone started showing signs, but you remember well that his glances in your first meaning were anything but interest. As you are a “special” debtor with a large sum to owe, Pantalone almost cages you in his main office buildings. To your knowledge, there were a few of them, but out of all people the fate of working with him has fallen onto your shoulder.

There was one day when he scared you.

“You… killed someone?” You ask, holding your hand to your chest as you walk into his office to bring some papers. But they are dropped down the moment you see the so-called crime scene. The heavy metallic scent of blood blocks your breathing and you dream of disappearing from this room, however it is too late.

“Just taught a disagreeable debtor a valuable lesson”, Pantalone walks out of the shadows, lighting the cigarette right in his own office.

Your eyes widen at the sight of the blood on his face once he makes himself visible.

“What are you doing here? Ah, the job. I almost forgot.”

A panic attack crashes you sooner than Pantalone inquiries.

“Why the sour face? Just put the papers here and you’re dismissed.”

You look down at the body next, and even if!(fat chance) that person is alive, you cannot pull yourself back into the calm state.

“Are you deaf? Put your stuff on my desk,” the banker commands, wiping the blood off his cheek.

Your vision goes blurry when you see his stained with crimson skin and you feel like fainting.

“I don’t… exactly like… seeing blood, yes.” You turn away but lose your consciousness the moment after.

When you wake up you find yourself lying in the leather couch, a blanket dropped sloppily over your body. Pantalone is sitting at his desk per usual, working on his papers when he sees you slowly come to senses.

“Alive? Good. Now go back to your duties.”

You rise from the couch slowly, pulling the blanket down and slightly wobbly proceed to the door.

“Y/N.” Pantalone stops you with his voice.

“What now…” you think. But your expression softens one you hear what he tells you:

“There is a bottle of water I left for you on the desk. Take it. I’m not exactly eager reviving you after another fainting because your careless ass is dehydrated”, he stops writing with his left hand and says again, this time harsher: “And never enter my office announced again.”

“Thank you”, you take the bottle of water the Harbinger offers you. It has a distinct spicy scent from cologne lingering on it. “Your couch reeks of tobacco, by the way.”

One time, when you save him.

Pantalone storms into the office visibly injured and infuriated. You can see his secretary come up to him, presenting some sort of intel while her hand slips under his sleeve trying to pull his gloves out. You see it all through the small doorway.

“Lord Harbinger, you must have had a tough mission, let me release this stress of yours…”

The other employee of his, a male, presses a wet sponge against his expressionless face. Pantalone, seemingly weak and tired doesn’t respond immediately to the secretary boldly roaming her lustful hands over him but a while after his consciousness makes itself known. He grabs the recently presented papers and slaps the woman’s hand with them.

“Sir—”

“Have you two no shame? I need privacy. For once, just leave me alone!” He shouts, uncharacteristically to him. Both the secretary and the lowly subordinate rush out of the room under his strict command.

When the shift ends you can see everyone leave the office, however there has been not a single move from Pantalone’s office since he shut his door. You look on the clock, it’s already 9:15 p.m. Why is he not going home? You decide to spy on Pantalone. Soon, as everyone has left the office empty, you raise from your working desk and go to check on your CEO.

“Pantalone.”

You knock, but the response is none.

“Pantalone, coming in.”

You push the door slowly. Even his spicy cologne mixes up with the metallic scent of blood. You walk in the office and feel your heart sink at the sight: the banker is lying on the floor, as if he had fallen from his desk, there are lots of tablets scattered around the floor, and a bottle of wine, shattered, the salty smell filling your nostrils. The ashtray on his desk is full and messy. Everything looks chaotic and Pantalone himself is, for sure, out of character.

He is unconscious as he is lying on the floor. You rush to him, gently placing your hand on his shoulder and start shaking him.

“PANTALONE!!”

He doesn’t wake up and you have to resort to drastic measures. You slap him. At that, he finally comes to the senses.

“This is the second time you have slapped me. Are you not afraid of the punishment I might force upon you?” he asks, groggily putting his body into a sitting position.

“Why didn’t you go to the doctor?”

“I’m perfectly fine handling some scratch.”

“Just a scratch? Then, what are the tablets for? I thought they were painkillers.”

You see as Pantalone examines his own mess, and his expression is calm yet a hint of exhaustion can be spotted.

“Clever”, he says. “I was beaten up, and my muscles obviously hurt.”

“And the wine?”

“To relax.”

“I see.”

Pantalone eyes you once again, his face extremely pale and tired. “Are you done? You can go home.” He turns away from you, you don’t know what he’s doing but you hear a drawer being pulled and Pantalone let out a short sound similar to groaning. His knuckles turn white as he grips the edge of the desk. You see a used needle roll across the very same desk…

“You’re… you’re diabetic?”

“An astitute observation” (silently). “Didn’t I tell you to go home?”

You analyse him from the top to bottom and deem this person likely not being able to get home himself. You open your eyes to offer taxi, but realise that he has a personal chauffeur. “Right, rich people…”

“That’s all? You won’t even give me a lecture for spotting you in such a vulne-” Pantalone’s gaze becomes so evil that you rethink over the choice of your wording. “In such a predicament. I mean, shouldn’t your mighty self cut my tongue in order to prevent me from gossiping about your health concerns?”

“You’ve been reading far too many detective stories. I’m not so…” he sighs, realising that given the circumstances of his long list of crimes even as a polished businessman he is a perfect match to Meropide. So Pantalone cuts his wording as well. “Forget about it.”

“You sure will be alright?”

“Worry of yourself, it’s getting quite dark and seems like rain and thunder.”

Wow. That’s a gentleman indeed! He won’t even offer you a lift? You roll your eyes.

“I’ll get home just fine. And also, you reek of alcohol. Can’t have the employees think poorly of you.”

You don’t even know if you are happy with your doing or not, because if you didn’t wake him, he’d probably be lying there on the floor until the very morning.

As you’ve cleaned your desk and taken your coat on, ready to leave, you see that the raining outside has become even more aggresive.

You walk outside and slip on the first level of stairs. “Great.” Before you could dial the number of the taxi, you hear the voice behind you stopping you.

“Don’t need to spend money. You’re coming with my chauffeur.”

“No thanks, I am quite fine being al-ready indebted to you.”

“That won’t need repayment. You saved my life. If I were not woken up in time, and didn’t inject insulin, I would most certainly end up in a coma not long after.”

“Especially considering that you drank wine”, you think.

“If you insist. Look like today I’m but a slave of the weather conditions.”

Pantalone hums to your response and leads you to the sleek black car. He throws the door open for you and gets onto the back seat with you. Once he’s settled and you wait to be dropped off your place you notice the holes on his gloves, revealing already dry blood stained cuts. You are only able to see them properly now, due to your close proximity.

“May I ask who attacked you?”

“It happens quite often so no one is really surprised by now”, he clears throat. “An assassination attempt. But I’m faster” he gives you a warning look, by which you conclude that the killer is no longer alive.

“I see.”

As you’re dropped off safely to your place, you sneak into your bedroom before your grandma has questions. As you lie in bed under a fuzzy blanket you cannot brush his scent, the mix of spicy cologne with blood, off your mind. The sight of him almost helpless, injecting that insulin like he was on a thin ice, stays carved into your mind as well.

⟢

[maddascanbe-blog]

Miracu-class girls are done! It took less time than I initially anticipated, thank goodness. Let's talk re-write's and re-designs shall we?

Sabrina so freaking cute, give the girl her hat. It was probably a gift from Chloe. For her redesign I thought she would be the kind to dress in cute blouses and flowy skirts. She has tennis skirts in every color for every occasion. As for her re-write- anyone who saw how I changed Chloe probably will guess that their dynamic is drastically changes as well.

Sabrina met Chloe when they were in their tween years, Officer Roger having worked security for the Bourgeois on multiple occasions. One day he had to bring his daughter into work and Chloe found her wandering the halls. When a kidnapper tried to abduct Chloe, Sabrina sprayed him with pepper spray her father gave her and then kicked him in the dick for good measure. Chloe then declared that Sabrina should be her full-time body guard, and she technically is being paid to hang out with Chloe. But Sabrina would have done it with or without the money since Chloe is actually very endearing once you figure out how she works.

Alix is next! Alix's violently pink hair could not be ignored, so I kept it (albeit a little less saturated) Also she is in fact still short. Her outfits are probably all variations of sports gear unless she has an event to attend at the museum. I also tanned her up since I imagine she spends a lot of time outside, girl is sunburnt. She is actually a year ahead in history, having gotten too bored with junior level classes. So she's friends with some of the seniors too. I won't get into Bunnix anytime soon but- let's just say it's a lot more tragic than cannon would ever admit. The rabbit's powers are changing, and Alix still has to live with that.

On a lighter note, Juleka, as stunning as ever. Tall queen. She is a year behind since her lack of participation in classes ultimately tanked her grade in several subjects. Her band director was more then happy for her to stay an extra year though, since she is trained classically as well as electrically on the bass. She may not like talking, but she has little fear of performing when the music can do the talking. Her twin brother actually graduated early, and he's working now to help pay for the band the two want to start. Her design doesn't change much from her cannon one other than the fact I switched her ripped leggings for lace ones. I imagine she actually has many outfits in this color pallet, since Chat Noir quickly becomes her favorite hero.

Mylene, okay the change I made here is pretty obvious. I debated for a long time on whether or not I change her skin tone. And when I did the line art? Wasn't planning too. But changed my mind last second, since I thought it helped the color pallet more. This would imply she is mixed, with her dad looking pretty much the same as cannon. it's hard to tell her unless you look closely but I gave her freckles that just cover every inch of her. She is Sunkissed. He character isn't super different, she is still easily startled, but she knows what she believes and will fight for it no matter what.

And finally, Rose! The lovely Rosey! The flower child! Her nonspecific illness still definitely happened, but I like to think she has actually recovered. I do not know enough about most chronic illnesses to make any sort of specification on what she has so nameless headache disease it is! She struggled a lot as a kid, but now she's planning to start a non-profit to help kids who are going through hard times of their own. She definitely still has her down days, the fact that she nearly died so young is not something she is quick to forget. But she will do whatever she can to give other people hope, sinee she knows all too well what it feels like to be hopeless.

As for her design, she had a bucket of pink upturned on her. She did have to have her hair shaved as an affect of her illness but now it's growing back faster than ever. She gets it cut every time it gets past a certain length to donate it.

Luka is next!

[bbcphile]

In Memory of Kiah

cw/tw: death, medical assistance in dying

If you’re wondering why I kind of disappeared from the Mysterious Lotus Casebook tag and stopped posted WIP Wednesday things, here’s the explanation: One of my closest friends, who has been dying progressively and increasingly painfully over the last two years, told me about 3 weeks ago that they were going to pursue medical assistance in dying because it is legal where they live. It was originally scheduled for the end of July, then moved up to the end of June, and then on Monday, they moved it to Wednesday (yesterday), because their life was agony and they couldn’t wait any longer.

I’m lucky that I had enough advanced notice that I was able to say goodbye–both by sending them a message telling them in detail how much they’ve meant to me and thanking them for everything, and then in one last phone call the night before–so I’m glad they knew how much I loved them and that I could be there for them emotionally, even though I couldn’t physically be there for the end itself, because they live too far away. We met on Tumblr through the chronic illness community because we share the same genetic connective tissue disorder and many of its comorbidities, and I will always be so, so grateful to Tumblr for bringing us together.

I wanted to post about them here because it just felt wrong to keep going like nothing had happened, and because I wanted to do something to pay tribute to how good a person they were and how much I miss them. So, some words about Kiah: 

Kiah was one of the kindest, funniest, intellectually curious, loving, and fiercely protective people I have ever met. I loved that we could talk about anything, including the terror of living in a failing body or how to come to terms with being disabled when you were always an overcommitted overachiever who defined yourself on external metrics of success, analyze media together during watch parties, and laugh together about literally anything (including during our last conversation, where we were both bawling our eyes out, but also somehow laughing about how absurd it is that you can’t really cry hard and talk at the same time and how that seems like a real design flaw). We didn’t share any fandoms, but we still had fun sharing details about our blorbos and fandom activities: I loved hearing about their cosplay adventures, and they always wanted to keep up to date on the metas I was writing. Even once they went blind and couldn’t read my metas on tumblr anymore because it wouldn’t work with their screenreader, they had me send them Google doc versions so their computer could read my posts to them because they didn’t want to miss any of my analyses. And when they were too sick to listen to the full posts, they asked for summaries because they still wanted to keep up as much as they could. 

They were always so caring and compassionate: when they first called to tell me in January that they were going to do medical assistance in dying, and after I had told them I understood and supported them and we’d talked about how they felt about it, they asked me how I was. I had told them that while I was heartbroken, I would handle it, because I didn’t want to make them feel responsible for comforting me when they had their hands full with processing everything and feeling their own grief. They said that while they appreciated my not wanting to make it harder on them, they didn’t want me to feel like I had to be ok in front of them, because they wanted to comfort me and support me even in this if they could, since they didn’t have that much time left to be there for me and they wanted to make it count. (yeah, I’m sobbing right now.)

None of those descriptions could even begin to do justice to how much they meant to me, but I hope this anecdote will:

I couldn’t be with them at the end because I’m a country and an opposite coast away, but I hated the idea of not being able to say goodbye in person or hold their hand if they were scared during the injection. So I played piano and imagined they could hear it.

Most of you probably won’t know what that means or why it would be a big deal. Here’s why:

I used to be a musician. Music was my life and my most important means of self-expression, and was absolutely going to be my career. But in high school and college, an extensive series of very traumatic things happened that made me essentially have to give up performing. For the better part of the last 18 years, literally up until I sat down to play for Kiah, even just the idea of performing for someone or a neighbor overhearing me play was triggering enough that I would have a full-blown panic attack and dissociate so badly I would literally go from concert pianist level ability to mostly forgetting how to read music and having to count ledger lines. But my desire to do something so that maybe, just maybe, I could make Kiah’s final moments better apparently trumped my trauma, because I was able to do it. I had wanted to play some Rachmaninoff, Brahms, or Chopin, but apparently those are still too closely tied to Events and I started to have skill loss issues again (fucking dissociative amnesia), so I switched to a piece I had played long ago enough that it was reliably in my mind and fingers (and that I could sight-read if I forgot it partway through). 

And I played it.

I hope, somehow, they were able to hear it.

I also recorded it.

And I’m going to share it here.

It kind of feels like serving my heart up on a platter, but that feels kind of appropriate for this tribute to them. 

I think they’d be happy, knowing that I’m “doing it scared,” as Tumblr recommends, and that my attempt to give them the biggest gift of love and support I could think of, somehow, even if just temporarily, gave music back to me.

Also, I think they’d get a kick out of the fact that you can hear me giggle a little at one point in the recording when the sheet music falls on my hands, both because it’s a great middle finger to perfectionism, but also because laughing through the tears (and yeah, I was crying while playing this) is very much a chronic illness and disability thing, and feels like a good metaphor for much of the last few months.

So. All that to say:

Kiah, I love you. I miss you so much already.

Here’s Robert D. Vandall’s “Lakeside Retreat.”

[farfromstrange]

A small update from yours truly—and a little over sharing, so I’m putting it under the cut.

I've been in an awful mindset these past couple of weeks since I was diagnosed with PCOS. I haven’t talked about it yet because it’s hard for me to even think about. But the fatigue and the pain are getting worse again, even with the supplements I’m taking so far, and I wanted to share it with you so you know what’s going on. My doctor referred me to another doctor, but the earliest they could get me in was January. Until then, I have to deal with the symptoms on my own. I honestly thought once I knew what was wrong I’d get better, but learning that chronic illness is actually chronic is a really hard pill to swallow. It’s manageable once you figure shit out, but getting a doctor’s appointment these days and being taken seriously when you can’t stomach birth control is like the Hunger Games. You have to be really fucking insistent when you want to get things done.

I’m still slowly working my way out of my writer’s block, and I'm proud of myself for getting there. I'm trying not to set expectations for myself and just take it one day at a time, which is working so far. I think I’m writing more consciously now, too. As someone who needs to create because she has too many thoughts it can get frustrating to burn out so quickly, but at least I’m starting to have fun with writing again (thanks to the DDBA trailer I’m still not over and it’s been idk how long you guys feel me).

On a slightly better note though, and the reason I’m writing this is that I’ve been spending the past two weeks since my last post preparing for vacation. I’m flying to Croatia on Sunday for a few days, which I very much need after the year I’ve had so far. I’m taking the time to recharge before I have another module exam at the end of September. So, I probably won’t be posting a lot the next two weeks, BUT I am writing. I just don’t have enough time to edit anything to the point I can comfortably post it. I will, however, use the time I have to catch up on some reading and do some reblogging. It’s a good use of my flight time, plus my parents will be driving back so I’ll have twelve hours to kill in the car. And who knows, maybe I can finish at least one update before I have to head to the airport. Just wanted to let you know that I’m not gone again, I just really need that vacation before I have my last exam this semester. After that, I have almost three weeks of nothing, which means I'll be able to focus on myself, my health, and my writing.

I’m also writing this to tell you guys I will definitely be participating in Kinktober again this year, though I decided to put a little twist to it. Last year was fun, but I want to do it a little differently this time. I’m currently working something out, and the announcement will come sometime in the next couple of weeks!

Maybe a different climate will give me some more writing inspiration, too. Thank you guys for reading this far. Take care of yourselves 🤍

[heliza24]

Ep 5, rage, and time

This was a FASCINATING episode. We’ve got a lot more questions than answers right now— about exactly the nature of Fig’s curse (we know it hopped to her from Gilear, but how does the armor of pride play into it), the exact nature of what happened to Cassandra, and what kind of big bad god (???) was talking to Kristen after the fight— so I don’t have a snappy thesis about this week’s ep. But I have some themes buzzing around my head like persistent flies. So let’s talk about them.

I saw someone earlier point out that rage and anger seems to be a dominant theme of the season, after Kristen got advantage for leaning into anger at her parents, and I think we know for sure now that that’s true. I refreshed myself on what happened to Lydia— she sealed a dangerous demon inside a soul gem and embedded it in herself to keep the demon from escaping. She was in a permanent rage to keep herself alive, and the impact of that disabled her. As a disabled fan I have always loved this rep, because the gem functions like a chronic illness, and I personally have used anger at the medical system and the ableist world to survive being chronically ill. (She also refused to have the gem removed and risk releasing the demon, which is a great refutation of the magical cure trope). Anger is a dirty fuel though, and if you burn too much of it you’ll end up burning yourself, and compromising your own mental health, in the process.

That reminds me of the kind of things we were circling from the beginning of the season— burnout, exhaustion, being past where you can fight. And if people heap enough stress on you (from schoolwork or otherwise) a kind of natural response to that is to break into rage at some point.

I don’t exactly understand the mechanisms of the star bursts that originated within Cassandra and then made her monstrous. Were parts of her anger embedded in them like the demon was in Lydia’s soul gem, and then when they re-entered her they turned that rage into something uncontrollable? Why did they affect Kalina that way and why did she mention Ragh’s name? I’m really not sure, although I do hope that this means that Lydia will play a larger role this season and we’ll see more of her and her cool wheelchair soon.

The other things that’s bouncing around my head is the theme of time (a recurring Elmville theme; chronomancy is the greatest magic of all after all). I think this season is concerned with time, and what it means to run out of time, even more than freshman and sophomore year. We have Arthur and Ayda traveling through time and the quadrangle situation. Now we have the Synod clock and a verifiable time loop (side note: I did ABSOLUTELY burst out laughing when Brennan exasperatedly said “anyone can roll arcana to understand time loops” when the PCs were confused, like GOD haven’t you all seen this in a million science fiction stories by now??? A deeply relatable moment when the players aren’t picking up the lore you’re putting down). But maybe more importantly, we’re seeing the consequences of not having enough time this season, or maybe what happens when the clock keeps running after the adventure is supposed to be over. No one has enough time to do all the assignments on their plate. Everyone missed out on fun, school planning, and relationship stuff over the summer because they had to be fighting the night yorb and didn’t have enough time to go home. (Also, side note, the night yorb turned everything to night therefore eliminating a way we have to tell time. No more days, just one long bleed of an adventure). And everything we’re doing right now feels like we’ve somehow hit the end of time and then kept going— Cassandra was never supposed to turn back into something akin to the nightmare king again. Kalina was never supposed to come back in the same form and taunt Riz again. The whole thing feels like a lesser, diminished time loop. Even the main high school antagonists, the rat grinders, are like a weird version of the bad kids who are stuck just looping over and over again, grinding out xp and repeating themselves infinitely.

I don’t really know how these two themes are going to hook together yet exactly, but I have a feeling they’re going to. Whoever was on the phone with Kristen feels like a hook for underlying plot, if not an outright big bad, which I honestly wasn’t sure we would get at all this season. So I’m gonna be so interested to see how these themes coalesce as the season goes on.

PS- I think The Seven is also extremely concerned with time (especially that sequence in the penultimate episode, which is my favorite in all of D20 I think. No spoilers if you haven’t seen it, but it is truly transcendent), and especially what it means to grow and change. I love that this theme keeps popping up in Elmville- it’s such a lovely frame for the kind of coming of age stories that get told there.

[thewritingmagician2022]

Chronically Ill MC - Dateables

As someone with multiple chronic illnesses (including one or two  that’s tried to take me out), fantasy is one of the few things that gets me through my bad days. With that in mind, I was inspired to talk about how the brothers/dateables not only handle dating someone with chronic illness but also what one little thing they do to help.

Lucifer

Lucifer may not seem the like the most empathetic partner to someone with a chronic illness. Lucifer does a lot every day and he expects the same from the people in his life. He keeps high standards and there aren’t many things that will considered a valid explanation for not meeting them, even sickness. However, he’s not totally unreasonable and once he learns how truly sick you are, he dedicates himself to readjusting those standards/goals and makes sure that you aren’t pushing yourself past your limits.  The main thing that Lucifer does to support you as your partner is going to appointments with you. When you’re chronically ill, it’s almost impossible to not have regular appointments, usually with multiple doctors. The other uncomfortable truth about those visits is that the doctors typically aren’t too great. It’s all too easy to get brushed off, talked over, and not taken seriously, especially if you happen to be a female or person of color. Lucifer being there not only calms your anxiety but also makes sure that you are better seen and heard in the appointments. He is not letting that doctor leave without doing their job properly. 

Mammon

Mammon keeps up his typically uncaring personality in front of people where he can tend to tease you or downplay your sickness; however, he is also fiercely overprotective. He doesn’t let anyone else near you and is constant checking in to see if you’ve eaten, slept enough, have everything you need, etc. If anyone bothers you about your illness(es), he’s 100% going after them. You may be a sick, pathetic human but you’re his and he’s not going to let you be slandered by anyone!  As his nice thing that Mammon does for you and your chronic illness(es), is buying you all sort of things that might help. He definitely didn’t google what sort of things to buy your chronically ill partner or anything and then buy everything off those lists, whether or not it applied to your illness(es). Those damn Buzzfeed lists will be the death of Goldie at this point. He makes sure you want for nothing. Most of the time he won’t even give the items to you like a normal person, he’ll just leave them in your room or in your bag or address the box to you as if you’ve ordered it yourself. He doesn’t want you to know how badly he wants to take care of you. 

Levi

Levi is a nervous Nelly, only because he cares. He definitely does some research like Satan, though he’s much more invested in the message boards than doctors studies. He definitely joins a support group for caregivers to get a better idea of what to expect and what he can do for you. He’s happy to always stay home with you when you’re not feeling well; in fact, it really works for his life style if you want to stay comfy and cozy in his bedroom most of the time while he keeps you company/entertains you.  Speaking of which, Levi’s one thing he does for you is keeping a basket full of stuff in his bedroom for you. As a gamer who can hole up in his room for hours (or even days) at a time, he prepares for this. He’s got his little fridge and microwave for you and a large basket of everything you usually need: heated blankets, heating pads, water bottles, medication, arts and crafts, sleep masks and headphones, etc. He’s even got a little gaming station set up for you in there in case you want to play some cozy games when you’re not up to chatting with him but still want something to do “together”. 

Satan

Satan is the king of research. The moment that you open up about your illness(es), he’s taking notes and getting ready. He’s going to spend a lot of time figuring out what’s going on with you, what it means for your human body, and what your treatment options look like. He’s going to be collecting firsthand information from you as well so he knows exactly what your symptoms and daily life are like. He’s that person who will keep a planner with your appointments, manage your medication, and stay completely up to date on any new research that comes out about your illness(es). He’s sort of like your own mini nurse at this point.  For his main supportive trait (as if he doesn’t so enough), Satan is always making sure that you’re utilizing the best coping skills possible. This includes enjoying fresh air and, when possible, getting movement. He sees how much research supports those things, including sunlight and the company of animals. He’ll have a sun light from Akuzon on you while he hangs out with you in the gardens or takes you out on the town for a little walk. If you’re not allergic, he also brings cats to hang out and purr on your lap so you can de-stress while petting them. 

Asmo

Asmo struggles with having a chronically ill partner. It’s not because he doesn’t care but he can be thoughtless about your conditions and he’s someone who always wants to be going out and doing things. Sometimes you have to remind him of your limitations and then he’s going to tone it down and pamper you at home like it’s reason for living. He’s gonna make sure you’re doing all the self-care and whatever you can’t do, he’ll do for you.  For his one special habit, he’s going to take you to the best spas and salons where you can get all of the relaxation that you deserve. You’ve had a long day with him and you’re probably tired and sore so best believe that Asmo has signed you both up for massages and facials and getting your nails done. You’ll be relaxed and ready for a good night’s sleep once they’re finished with you. Asmo seems like he would set up weekly or biweekly visit to these places under the guise of trying out new places/new treatments but really he just wants to make sure you’re being pampered like you deserve and those massages will hopefully help with the body aches.  And if you can’t manage to go out for those things, he’s going to do them all for you at home where you can be as comfortable as possible. 

Beel

Beel can be a little overprotective of his chronically ill partner. He hates the idea of you being sick and suffering; it’s a constant reminder of how delicate and vulnerable you are as a human. It triggers his Lilith PTSD just a little because he’s more afraid of losing you, especially to something that he can’t fight or protect you from. He tends to wait on you hand and foot, and he’s always making sure you’re fed the best foods and drinks the Devildom has to offer so that you keep up your strength. The thing that Beel does for you to support you is provide you with massages and/or pets. As an athlete, Beel knows how important it is to keep the body stretched, soothed, and strong. This means that he’s actually very proficient at giving massages. Beel will lead you through a series of stretching whenever you’re up for it (who would have guessed that he’s so skilled at yoga and not just all muscle?) so that you’re able to get in some kind of daily movement. Then he’ll rub down any sore muscles and work out any kinks that you may have. If there’s a time when you’re so sore you can’t stand any strong touch or movement, Beel is more than happy to rub your back or pet your hair to help soothe you to sleep and keep you calm. 

Belphie

Belphie struggles a bit with a chronically ill partner simply because he is a very sleepy boy which makes him lazy and not totally capable of being a caretaker. He relies on his older brothers for a lot. But the good news is that he does transfer that skill over to you. You both get spoiled quite a bit by the other brothers who have accepted you as someone to be loved and protected the same way they do for Belphie. Additionally, Belphie never makes you feel bad for spending your down time resting. You guys have fun in mellow ways and you don’t have to worry about being fun or entertaining, you can just be yourself.  The best thing about having Belphie as a chronically ill person is that he is the best napping and bed rotting companion out there. You will never have a partner more excited to make sure you’re well rested. Belphie will spend all day with you in bed without a second thought. He’s got movies or music for entertainment, he’s got the comfiest bed and pillows and blankets, he’s got fans and heating pads, he’s got bottles of water on his bedside and snacks too so he doesn’t have to get out of bed for them, he’s got lavender oil to spray to help you get better sleep. You would never be more comfortable anywhere else and he’s going to snuggle you the whole time, assuming you’re up for that. 

Diavolo

Diavolo is a very courteous boyfriend to a chronically ill partner. He’s incredibly busy and he feels terrible that he’s not able to spend more time with you but he’s always happy to have your company while you rest. He lets you sit in on meetings or while he does paperwork. You’re quiet and diligent and he’s so impressed by how much you manage to not only do but do well while you struggle with your illness(es). You get your RAD work done and wrangle the brothers and always make sure to have time for Diavolo even when he’s whiny and cranky. He loves and respects that about you and so he does his best to always show you that same kindness and support.   Diavolo has the habit of sending you gift baskets when he’s not able to be around. They’re full of both treats and necessary supplies so that there’s nothing you could want for. He also lends Barbatos to you. It can’t be all the time unfortunately, since Barbatos has quite a lot of his own work to do, but if there’s any long gaps in your ability to see Diavolo, he makes sure you have Barbatos to keep you company and wait on you hand and foot for at least a few hours. Barbatos is one of the few people Diavolo trusts totally, especially with something as important as you, so you feel special to have him assigned to you. 

Barbatos

Barbatos is such an attentive boyfriend to a chronically ill partner. He’s used to serving Diavolo and essentially being a mixture of servant, nurse, valet, therapist, etc. so stepping into the role of caregiver is natural and easy for him. He relishes the idea of taking care of you. If you’re someone who truly hates the idea, he’ll back off and just play the role of doting boyfriend but, unless you’re actively fighting against it, he’s going to dedicate himself to making sure you’re taken care of. He’ll help with doctors, scheduling, accommodations in the Devildom, and making sure you have ample emotional support, including making sure the brothers aren’t causing you any undue stress.  The one thing Barbatos does for you that he enjoys most and excels at is keeping you well nourished. As we know, Barbatos has an affinity for tea and he has hundreds of kinds from the Devildom, celestial realm, and human realm alike. He will brew you a type for every symptom or illness, and some that may just help your anxiety or help you sleep. He keeps notes of what you enjoy most and stocks up so you have some at the HoL as well. If you hate tea, he will find other beverages or broths that are equally helpful and good for your body. He’s also a fantastic cook and can modify the recipes to anything your body needs. Allergies, intolerances, taste preferences - he takes all of it into account and therefore creates the perfect meals and snacks for you. He regularly sends you home with food and will make sure there’s always something for you at RAD or the palace. It’s the most basic way to care for someone and it makes him feel great to know you’re taken care of.  

Solomon

Solomon is a good partner for someone chronically ill because it’s impossible to phase him. He’s seen it all, all types of illnesses and injuries and accidents. There’s nothing that grosses him out or is too stressful to deal with. He may get a little introspective sometimes because it makes him think about your mortality in comparison to his and he knows that, once upon a time, he may have been just like you. He does his best to make your life as easy as possible, even offering magic items or potions to help. It doesn’t matter if it’s just offering you temporary relief from your symptoms or making a specific task easier for you, as long as he can help, he’s happy. Plus he’s been studying the human body and health for a long time so he’s the most knowledgeable and has a wide variety of options and ideas for you.  Speaking of studying the human body for a long time, Solomon has been conducting his own research and experiments for almost as long. He’s been around for multiple plagues and diseases across the globe and throughout time and, even though they can’t affect him, he’s kept up with the science behind it all. He’s been helping develop cures and vaccines for a long time; regularly passing off his findings to people who can actually put them into action. That means once he knows what’s ailing you, he’s going to turn his focus towards it to see if he can speed up the discovery of a cure. He doesn’t want you to have to suffer for a minute longer than necessary and he’s got every possible resource at his fingertips to help change that for you (and others like you) so he’s going to more seriously dedicate his time and energy towards that goal. 

Simeon

Simeon is the kind of partner who helps you keep your wits about you and keep your spirits up when you’re dealing with chronic illness(es). It’s so easy to get swept up in a chronic illness: the symptoms, the appointments, the doctors, financial responsibilities, socializing, school or work, the future. Sometimes it can feel like you’re drowning and it’s impossible to pull yourself out of the negativity and the hopeless feeling. Simeon is always there to hold out his hand and pull you out of the water with his calm, soothing tone and support and encouragement. He holds your hand every step of the way and brings positivity to your life. He highly encourages you to utilize meditation and gratitude, without pushing so far as to go into toxic positivity. Sometimes he’s the only thing that keeps you holding on.  One of the best ways that Simeon supports you is by helping you with basic tasks that you may be too embarrassed to ask for help with normally, including bathing. Simeon is always happy to run you a hot bath and will put in epsom salts or essential oils or vitamin drops as needed. Hell, even if it’s just for fun, he’s happy to make it a lovely bubbly mess for you to splash around in and relax. He’s the kind of partner who will happily either climb in with you or, if there’s no room, he’ll sit behind you or to the side and help wash your hair, being so careful to keep soap out of your eyes and ears. He’ll wash your back and feet and face, with such smooth and gentle hands as he talks to you so sweetly. If you can’t take a bath, he’ll make sure you have a shower bench/chair or at least him to hold onto while you shower. It’s always the highlight of your day when he does this for you and you feel so close to him. 

[fandomfluffandfuck]

*Pops into existence right next to you with an absolutely deranged smile on my face* DID SOMEBODY SAY BIG SUB STEVE?!???

I can’t even think right.

I’m picturing a shrunkyclunks situation, personally. Maybe a 2011 era Steve with a Bucky that’s a cute little Stark Intern (maybe Bucky looks like a certain italian we’ve been talking about in dms 👀 but I also adore the idea of sort of a TJ Hammond type). 

They’ve been together for about six or so months now, and neither of them can get enough of each other. Steve was nervous about their first time, as it was his first (hey, you try getting action as a closeted chronically ill skinny kid in the 40s). But the way Bucky kissed his neck and told Steve that he was “such a good boy for Daddy” made him see stars. He didn’t even know he liked that!

Now, though, he’s laid out on the bed, whimpering and whining like it’s the only thing he knows how to do. There’s a chance it is. Bucky’s showing him no mercy with the way his hands are grabbing at his chest and the way he’s whispering the filthiest things in his ear. 

“You’re such a pretty little thing. My angel. Gonna fuck Daddy like he wants you to?” Steve nods like a bobblehead, hips jerking up as a moan rips its way from Steve’s mouth. 

It seems like a lifetime before Steve feels the tight heat that means that Bucky’s made good on his word. He does his best to be good like Daddy says he is and not fuck up into the pure bliss that is Bucky’s body. 

“Aww, is my sweet puppy a bit overwhelmed?” Bucky says breathily, making desperation surge through Steve. 

“Ah- Daddy! Please, need it! Wanna- wanna be good!” Steve sounds like himself before the serum, he’s so drunk with how good it feels. 

“C’mon, sugar. Make Daddy feel good. Be a good little puppy for me.” Steve doesn’t hesitate, making Bucky gasp and moan with how fast and hard his thrusts are. 

“G- oh, fuck! Good boy!” Bucky cries out, and Steve whines and never wants to hear anything else. 

Once Steve is all cleaned up and is wrapped up happy and floaty in Bucky’s arms, he finally looks up at him with starry eyes. 

“You alright, Stevie?” Bucky asks, worry lacing his voice. 

“Yeah, Daddy, I’m alright. I love you.” Steve says, pressing a kiss to Bucky’s cheek. 

“Aw, sweet thing. I love you too. So much.” Bucky kisses Steve’s forehead, full of adoration and care. 

if anyone wants to know, the “certain italian” is a gorgeous man by the name of Francesco Di Raimondo ;)

related to this, and this (I think, haha)

Oh my goddd

✨️them✨️

I don't even have words, just vehement agreement because, yes.

They're both so soft and pretty, and you'd never guess how fucking filthy they get. They both have this skittish, nervousness to them. This is so new and precious and so seemingly innocent yet... Bucky opens his mouth, and immediately Steve is squirming, blushing with his sudden feverish affliction.

H-he, he didn't know that anyone could talk like that!

He didn't know someone would talk to him like that!

He didn't know how badly he wanted it!

He doesn't know, now, though, how he's expected to live without it. All he wants to do is fuck Bucky, it's all he can think about. He can't focus for shit. Otherwise, he just wants to lose himself in him, panting puppishly, thrusting, drowning in how hot and tight and overwhelming he feels. All while Bucky combs his fingers through his hair, encouraging him, keeping his head spinning.

Jesus Christ, I like this pairing too much 👀 Thanks for sending this my way!

[winterandwords]

For the writers living with chronic illness and physical disability

I'm going to get into writing and posting this while my brain is still half asleep and before I change my mind because it feels too personal and I don't do that online. Please excuse any typos.

Comments on a recent post of mine about wanting to write but not being able to got me thinking. I'm chronically ill and physically disabled. I have been for most of my adult life (I'm 42 now). It's been progressing slowly throughout that time and more rapidly over the last few years. It is what it is.

I don't talk about it in detail on the internet because it's impossible for me (not saying other people can't do this) to accurately represent the full experience in a way I feel comfortable with while still engaging enjoyably with an interest-based community, which is what I'd rather be doing here.

Also, people get fucking weird about it. I have no patience for *pat on the head* "well done for existing" consolation-prize pity bullshit or inspirational cripple bullshit. Equally, I have no patience for being dragged into a who-has-it-worse competition that I'm never going to take part in because I don't see the world that way or a what-about-me-ism-fuelled derailment session.

This shit is complicated. I'm on Tumblr to write and to talk about writing. But if I'm also quietly dealing with all that other stuff alongside making up some guys (gender non-specific) in my head and putting them in situations, I know some of you are too.

And you know what? It's hard. I know it is. We live in an inaccessible world and so many parts of that world and so many people in it can be brutally hostile towards chronic illness and physical disability in ways that still shake me to my core when I encounter them. It no longer surprises me, but it still fucks me up on the regular.

But listen. YOU ARE CREATING. You're doing something huge and worthy and valuable and fucking difficult. You're carrying the weight of all that other shit and YOU ARE STILL CREATING. It might take you longer than you'd like and you might be doing it in ways that are far from ideal, but you are still doing it.

You might feel excluded from communities and events and conversations, not necessarily because anyone is intentionally excluding you, but because you have no option other than to do the sick-person version of things and it's impossible not to feel like you're on the outside looking in sometimes when that's your experience.

The point of all this is that I want you to know with my whole heart that YOU ARE SEEN. Your strength and your determination and your sadness and your rage and your pain and your more-able days and your rock-bottom days are all seen.

Your challenges and your messiness and your perfectionism and your complexity and your dichotomies and the unrealistic standards and demands you have internalised from existing in an ableist society are witnessed and felt, widely and deeply, and with a solidarity unshakable enough to hang bridges from.

I'm not going to tell you that you're good enough, because it should go without saying. I am going to tell you that you're not alone, because that does need to be said. You are so much more than a conditionally-acceptable exception and you deserve to reach and exist beyond the boundaries of the small boxes you get shoved into without your consent or permission. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE.

Alright? Alright. Keep going 💜

In case this gains any sort of traction and people start replying to it or reblogging it, I want to make something very clear. I am also neurodivergent. That is not what this post is about. I also have lifelong experience of mental illness and trauma. That is not what this post is about. This post is about chronic illness and physical disability and it's for people who are living with those specific things, whether or not they're also living with the other things.

So, in the most loving way, if you have something to say that isn't about that, this isn't the place to say it. Thanks.

[townofcadence]

I'm really grateful for the people who've made this space feel so amazing and fun to be a part of. Who've interacted and reach out and talk to me and make me feel like they want me around.

For a while when I first got back on tumblr, it was really hard; I had a few people who interacted with me before follow me to this OC blog, but I was pretty much starting fresh. I struggle a lot with my depression and anxiety and even just the usual insecurities, on top of a handful of other chronic health illnesses that make things really hard and painful in general. And for a long while, I was fighting the constant impulse to stop bothering and just leave tumblr again. It wasn't anyone's fault, mind you! I was just painfully lonely and struggling to feel connected or interesting enough or a good enough writer. When I started out, I had many interactions die very quickly without a word after a reply or two, both ooc and ic. All of that is fine to a degree, because tumblr isn't life, it's a hobby, and i totally get things like neurodivergence, exhaustion, forgetfulness, health, work, or anything else that really can impact being available and interaction! But the volume of times it happened was enough I started wondering if it was me, because there was a pattern that was widespread. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. That maybe there was a reason, and maybe I wasn't worth talking to or playing with? I know I can come on strong, and be very overaffectionate, which doesn't always resonate with people, or might be too much and offputting. Which isn't indicative of anyone. But it's another way I sometimes can be a problem. So my brain started using my bullshit mental health against me. I did really start getting in my own head and letting the worries kinda eat at me to the point of feeling like vanishing wouldn't change anything at all. The worries are still there of course, but I feel like I have made some changes for my health, and quite a few friends and connections, and that make it easier not to listen to them. I feel a lot more connected! There's more back and forth. I have so many two way streets, which I really do think is where friendships get made, because I feel like people want to talk to me as much as I do them. I can reply to things and have a short talk, or we can chatter in rp tags, or even in IMs and stuff! And I separated from the spaces that made me feel I didn't belong, or stopped putting my energy where it wasn't valued, since I already have such a limited supply. I've also made some changes in real life that haven't fixed things for me, but have helped me improve in incremental ways and I think that's helping too. But honestly, I love seeing others on my dash and sending them things, and learning about their muses, and I love that people seem interested in mine too. I can have extensive conversations with a a lot of you at our own leisure. I feel like people at least want to write with me, even if I still don't always like the quality of my responses or think they're the best they could be. But we're still writing and making stories and even if not every reply is perfect, the important thing is we get to build those connections and have those moments that become a part of our muses history together! I love seeing them become friends or fight or bond in all the ways they do! I love getting to see everyone's creativity and the amazing things they make! I'm kinda just rambling to ramble, but the people here mean a lot to me and I just-- I'm here because of you guys, and I'm happy I am, and I care you very very much. I love you! And you have made me being here a very joyful thing that I look forward to each and every day! Each and every reply!! Thank you so much <3