#i feel like i dont write the kids as kids enough
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"Can you shut the fuck up for a second!" Pony's fists are clenched so hard the knuckles are white 'n Steve thinks suddenly it's probably a good thing the kid bites at his nails or they'd be diggin' into his palms.
"No, you little punk. What's your problem?" Steve's not really angry yet. He's still pokin' half-heartedly mostly on instinct then any real urge to piss the kid off. The problem is that Pony is decidedly way over the aggravated line 'n into pissed without any help from Steve at all.
"I just had a shitty fuckin' day ok! How about you mind your business! Actually, why don't you hang out at your own house? You're wanted there just as much as here." Somethin' flashes across Steve's face 'n he narrows his eyes. Pony's flushed, chest heavin', a look of triumph on his face.
"You take that shit back." Steve balls his hands up, forces himself to stay down on the couch instead of marchin' over 'n puttin' the kid on his fuckin' head.
"No." Pony tilts his head 'n flashes a cold smile Steve just knows he picked up from Dallas. Steve takes a long breath. Remembers that Pony has a tendency to be cruel 'n not mean any of it when he was livid like this.
He's fourteen, Steve. Do you remember fourteen? Darry had told him after one of their regular matches. And he did. The problem was that Steve hadn't said mean shit. He just knocked the offender on his ass. Pony's mouth was too smart for his own good.
"You know what? You don't get to take your shit out on me, actually. Fuck off." Steve settles back on the sofa, turns back to the TV like he can pay any attention. God, where was Darry when you needed him. He'd probably collapse from the shock of it.
See, Steve contents himself with imagin' his face, I can be the bigger man. But then it's spoiled some since Steve can clearly hear Darry's took you long enough, you're only three years older than the kid.
"The fuck? Steve c'mon." Pony finally drops his school bag, right in the middle of the floor where Darry's gonna holler at him when he trips over it later, 'n takes half a step toward Steve. Like he's wheedlin' for a fight.
"C'mon? Glory, Pony. What's your fuckin' problem?"
"I don't have a fuckin' problem! Ok! You're the one with the problem!" Pony's voice is hittin' an all-time high, shrill note of frustration. Steve tears his eyes off the TV, rollin' 'em with a sigh, but now that he's lookin' at Pony he can see the way his eyes are rimmed red 'n his lip is bleedin' from him bitin' at it.
"Pony? Chill out kid, what's goin' on?" Pony does not chill out. In fact, it only serves to get him more frustrated.
"Nothin'! Nothin' is goin' on! Ok! I just don't know why you always have to be here 'n actin' like that 'n in my house- 'n- 'n-" Suddenly hot tears are streakin' down Pony's face 'n he's scrubbin' them away with nails bit down so far they're bleedin'.
"Pony?" Oh, Jesus. Where is Darry when you need him? Steve flies to his feet 'n Pony flinches back like he suddenly doesn't want the fight he's been askin' for. "Oh, glory kid."
"Just leave me the fuck alone. I'm fine!" Steve grabs Pony's wrists 'n hesitates awkwardly. He wasn't used to havin' to comfort the kid 'n he was way out of his zone. So he just moves on instinct, pullin' the kid to his chest like he's watched Darry do a hundred times.
For a moment Pony stiffens up 'n holds his hands out like he's not sure what to do with them, a weak little sob half caught in his throat. Then Steve wraps him up maybe a little too tight 'n Pony lets himself go limp.
"Let me go, Steve!" Pony wails like he doesn't have his face buried in Steve's shirt, leanin' so hard against him Steve's gotta work to keep him on his feet.
"Fine." Steve squeezes him again 'n then unceremoniously drops him. Pony's on the floor before he knows what's happenin' 'n Steve crouches down 'n puts a hand on his shoulder to keep him there. Pony goes to scramble to his feet 'n Steve pushes him back down, gently. "You wanna tell me what's goin' on?"
Pony blinks at him, eyes wide 'n hair wild 'n Steve can abruptly see him at eight, runnin' to Steve 'cause he'd scraped his knee 'n didn't want to tell Darry 'cause he'd told him to put on jeans if he was gonna ride his bike. Steve had made him give him his dessert in exchange for silence but had snuck the first aid kit out the bathroom window 'n wrapped it up real good.
"I dunno..." Pony scrapes again at the tears fallin' down his face 'n Steve bats his hand away, pullin' his handkerchief from his pocket 'n pressin' it none too gently across Pony's cheeks. "Knock that off." Pony snatches it from Steve 'n wipes at his own face.
"Glory, someone's in a mood." Apparently, it was too soon for that.
"I am not! Look, Steve, I can handle it myself. I don't need your bullshit." Pony pushes himself up 'n Steve easily grabs his wrist 'n yanks him back down.
"Fine, you don't need my help which, by the way, I wasn't offerin'. I just think if I'm gonna get hollered at on my day off I should get to know why." Pony narrows his eyes, scowlin' hard before droppin' his sulk down to his lap.
"It's nothin'. I just- I dunno, sometimes I just, when I-ugh!" Pony throws his hands up, makes a low angry sound in the back of his throat. "I just had a bad fuckin' day 'cause like, I just, it's-"
Oh. Steve thinks. Ok. I know that.
"If you don't know... like, what it is-" Pony goes to cut him off 'n Steve whacks him on the hand 'n barrels on. "Or if you know what it is but you don't know how to like... say it. Don't worry about it. I'm not gonna make you figure it out."
Pony blinks at him again 'n Steve drops his hand off his shoulder. "Well. Alright." 'N just like that Pony wipes the remain' tears away, clambers up, 'n offers Steve a hand. Man, if the kid couldn't bounce back from anythin'. Steve tries to remember if he'd ever been like that. But he remembered fourteen 'n he'd always been more of a sulker.
"We good, kid?" Steve eyes him 'n Pony shrugs, shoots him a mischievously little grin Steve knows he got from Soda.
"Sure, as long as you get me dinner."
"Oh sure," He pulls Pony under his arm 'n messes up his hair 'n Pony whines," as long as you're payin'. After all it is your house."
#steve never knows what the hell is wrong with that kid#but he'll be damned he's doing his best!#darry would be so proud#in fact it does make its way back to darry considering pony actually is incapable of keeping his mouth shut#n darrys like u n steve had a fight??? n no one had to scrape u two off the floor??#steve n pony who dont really know how to express their feelings ily#pony has so many goddamn words in him but when he gets really n truly upset hes like ok where did they go#n steve who NEVER knows how to put his feelings into words#ultimate bad duo#(beating the hell out of each other)#n ultimate i get it duo#(only like 1/80 of the time do one of them manage to not get into a fight long enough to realize omg hes me frl)#oh these boys rot my brain#steve randle#ponyboy curtis#sodapop curtis#dallas winston#darry curtis#the outsiders#the outsiders 1983#the outsiders fanfiction#my writing#writers on tumblr#also ask box for one shots still open!!#their fights escalate SO quickly but also come back down to nothing so fast#genuinely their fights go from no problem HUGE problem beating the shit out of each other hanging out like no problem again in like five mi
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browsing stormlight art on tumblr and ran into a post about how different dalinars life would have been with a somewhat healthier childhood and i think someone tagged it 'kaladin adopts young dalinar au' or something
anyways i propose a Make Everybody Worse au. teenage dalinar and gavilar get dropped directly into formenos and unofficially adopted by feanor a few years before the flight of the noldor. they both participate in the First Kinslaying/Oath/Losgar and then feanor dies. maedhros adopts them and then thangorodrim happens. maglor adopts them for a few years until mae gets rescued. they participate in the first few decades of the wars of beleriand, after which they get dropped back into the middle of alethkar.
on the noldorin side of things, m&m assume the random children they sort-of adopted (300some years before Secondborn were awakened) got killed somewhere in the battle. the kidnap fam situation now has the additional context of m&m having known even more pairs of children who died because of the Oath - one pair killed in the Second Kinslaying, one pair who presumably died in battle because they swore the Oath
on the alethi side of things, dalinar & gavilar are now Oathbound kinslayers who just lost five-to-ten parental figures and all their friends, and spent most of their lives being actively encouraged in war and military strategy. they also skipped the entirety of the navani-related conflict and are probably somewhat closer because of that. violence ensues.
#stormlight archive#silm adjacent#crossover#dalinar kholin#gavilar kholin#feanorians#silm crack i guess#why would feanor adopt them? not sure#though if two vengeful children with swords speaking an entirely foreign language fell through his ceiling he would want to Study Them#and given that they have no apparent way to get back to roshar and no other guardians i dont think nerdanel would object to it#shed probably be interested in figuring out alethi language at least#give them five years and the kholins have brand new red crested helms and noldorin steel swords#and feanor has a freshly revived linguistics special interest and a brand new treatise on alethi glyph writing#actually yeah he would absolutely be fascinated by Alien Writing System#(meanwhile im sure the kholins would be vorin-ly scandalized by Man Who Invented Written Language lol)#inspired by me reading all the bondsmith parts of oathbringer and reflexively going 'no oaths!!!'#like theres a little elrond in the back of my head lol#but yeah. worst of both worlds. congrats kholins have fun#even elrond gets bonus oath trauma despite being born several centuries later#from what ive seen teenage kholins were definitely bloodthirsty enough and common-sense-lacking enough to swear the Oath#so theres an opportunity to work more Oath Feelings into it for celebrimbor as well#since they would be around his age years-wise i think? just human age instead of elf age but close enough to probably know them#lol imagine curufin going 'hey tyelpe your grandfather wants to take in these weird kids he found. theyre Aftercomers who speak#an alien language and write completely differently and they fell through the ceiling. do you want to go chat with them or something'#tyelpe having Weird Aftercomer Not-Cousins around his age who 'died' for the Oath...
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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i think the reason why im so drawn to spirit tracks and pkmn scarvi is that having the legendary/princess as a companion rather than a goal that marks the games completion makes me feel satisfied the way i would after helping a friend
my brother always teases me about how I still havent finished botw after almost 7 years bc "id rather be out picking flowers" which i wont say is untrue. and yes i know Zeldas been holding off ganon for 100 years, yes i can get some sort of idea what her relationship with link was like by recalling memories and going through her diary. ive always loved botw for its unique storytelling and setting which makes it stand out, because it lets you get to know who you're saving.
but because theyre memories, it only works if theres something for the player to investigate that already happened. its retroactive (but effective nonetheless)
on the other hand, spirit tracks does something similar but instead of having the player try to piece together memories and interpret them as a spectator, you actually have an opportunity to get to know zelda yourself by talking to her and working together. besides making it a gameplay mechanic, giving the player control over how they interact with zelda makes it so much more personable.
and I find that making the goal feel personal instead of an obligation gives me more of a reason to work towards it. I know what kind of person botw zelda was but as the player, shes still very much a stranger to me. but spirit tracks zelda? thats my friend!!!! she invited me to go to the beach after we get her body back!!! i dont want to whip her to make her move faster thats mean :(
you know how hostage negotiators are trained to introduce themselves and get to know the person theyre negotiating with because its harder to hurt someone when you know what their favorite food is? its kinda like that, because it feels like im helping a friend than being told or led to do smth
and although i havent played scarvi myself, i feel an attachment to koraidon and miraidon even just watching playthrough clips because its like!! thats my weird scaly dog!! it loves sandwiches and we're friends!!! you know!!!!!!
#i dont normally write long posts like this but i think ive been trying to put this into words for a long time and it finally happened#my cloth mother spirit tracks zelda and my wire mother lttp zelda#ACTUALLY ANOTHER THING when i was a kid i always felt guilty when i had to catch the legendary at the end of the game#because to me it was like 'i know none of this is real but if i capture you and have you under my thumb am i robbing the world of something#normal thoughts for a 10 year old to have#when i talked to my brother abt this he was like 'i mean yeah the point is to dunk on the NPCs what were you expecting' and i mean i think#i get that its supposed to feel rewarding because the legendary is THE reward. but it doesnt feel right and i dislike he feeling of pushing#others down to get ahead. i guess u can argue sun/moon does smth similar where you have nebby with lillie#but lillie still ends up handing nebby over to the player and i STILL feel bad because im like shit man you raised that little guy#and koraidon/miraidon feels less like a reward but more like overpowered motorcycle lizard that is just so oupydog. and i love him#and in spirit tracks i went out of my way doing some of the side quests bc zelda asked nicely and honestly that was enough for me#i think all of this boils down to.. i feel very protective abt things i care abt so stories that give me a reason to care hits harder#this can also go the other way bc i CRIED when i finished links awakening because i KNEW every person and im responsible for#literally the end of their world. like. there was a family with 5 kids. marin loved singing and cared about me. she was my FRIEND#i just. ugh. i have too many feelings rn. i kinda wanna draw more spirit tracks link and zelda i think that wld make me feel better#yapping#diary#loz#pokemon
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"We had deluded ourselves," Vakama answered simply. His shoulders had risen and fallen with his words in a disheartened, resignated shrug as he had simply gazed forward, never tearing his eyes from them. "We had grown accustomed to calling them ours. But they never were. They had never been meant to be."
Vastus followed his gaze.
"They were never ours," the Turaga repeated softly. "They were Mata Nui's first and foremost - from the very beginning."
They watched in silence, for a while.
Discussions typical of these situations were still on hold, hanging in the air with their jittering inevitability as they went unspoken in awkward glances and weights shifted from one foot to the other, cautious not to shatter the careful filigree of new pain that only the inhabitants of Spherus Magna were already familiar with.
The Toa looked beside themselves in a distant, lost manner. They kept touching them as though it would have done something. It didn't, and they knew it wouldn't; but they continued.
"It doesn't quite matter whose they were meant to be, in the end," the Glatorian murmured.
"It does," Vakama said, but there was no emphasis in his statement.
"It doesn't," Vastus insisted. "In the end, if you feel like this, it's safe to say they were yours."
"They were not," again, without conviction.
The Matoran touched them too.
As if that would have done something.
It didn't, and they knew it wouldn't; but they continued.
"They were yours," the Glatorian repeated. He recognized that quiet anguish; he had seen it, on many faces, across many years. "It always hurts," he continued, though he had changed the subject somewhat, "To see your children die before you."
A wordless moment passed. Many hands, smaller and bigger, kept touching them, their limbs and chests and masks, as if that would have done something.
It didn't.
And they knew it wouldn't.
But they continued.
"I don't understand that word," Vakama confessed. He still did not turn away from the sight of the gathering crowd touching them as if that would have done something. "I don't know what 'children' are."
Vastus thought quietly.
"Younger beings," he explained at last, hoping it would make sense: "Little ones, or bigger ones. They can come into your life as easily as they can not, planned or otherwise: they start knowing nothing, aimless, confused and scared, and it's your duty to guide and care for them. You teach them what you can; you tell them who you were, what they never saw. You love them despite it all and they love you too, hopefully. You teach them and they teach you back, sometimes. You watch them grow. One day they might be bigger than you. One day they might be the ones protecting you. One day you might watch them leave, and it will hurt. One day they might see you die, and you will always hope it won't be the opposite."
"Ah," Vakama spoke.
They kept touching them, as if that would have done something.
As if that would have kept the protodermis warm, the muscle taut.
It didn't, and they knew it wouldn't; but they continued, because there was nothing else to do except touch as if that could have done something.
"Yes, then, I suppose," the Turaga said very softly, in an unsteady, wavering breath, the mechanism in his throat which gave him his voice creaking like a door gone unoiled for far too long: "It must have been so. Or something like it."
Among the many cruelties bestowed by the Great Beings, he counted the ability to grieve in a body that cannot cry.
#bionicle#vakama#vastus#death tw#random writing#(putting vakama through the washing machine of anguish) just like mr farshtey would have wanted#what is the context for this? i dont know. i just want these beasts to experience heartshattering grief#why vastus? bc ackar has been through enough and also i hc vastus really wants a kid so hes feeling the opposite and same feeling as vakama
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New school attendance rules (that are stupid as fuck) being published has me learning people didn't even know that the UK fines people for their kids not being in school unauthorized???
#i...i....yeah to anyone who didnt know#we do#this country is obsessed with school attendance#if its not authorized your fucked#hell even if authorized aka your carer did phone for you and shit#depending how many you have it can stack up and they'll get sus#and you'll get in trouble even then#like the new rules alone are increasingly making it clear if your not authorized you can get bankrupt depending how many kids you have#which yes makes the new rules abelist as fuck and also only rich people will survive it#hell if the schools cant fine you they'll at least make you feel shame#as my school had a form system where at the end of each term a form will be rewarded for the best attendance#so rip if you were the fucker that took i dunno one or two days off for sickness or whatever#because you just costed your form room the award and the classmates know it and will look at you#source: me who had to take sick days off#hell snow days you wont free at my school#my roads and pathways were iced so i couldnt go in#but noooo according to my head of year i should have tried cause he hunted all of us who took the day off and interograted us#and if our excuse wasnt good enough for him we were told off#and they'd literally encourage you to only take sick day off if your throwing up#my head of year literally said he dont care if we got a headache or small cough or sniffle just come in#...huh wonder how they did during 2020...#but yeah attendance in the UK in terms of schools is fucking strict#(also if your curious they did send us home if we were bad-bad#i got sent home once i think??? i dont recall much of that school for my own sanity#but i badly burnt my hand in DT via a soldering iron and i had to go home and the doctors and return to school#with a hand i couldnt write with which was my writing hand so um#yeah i couldnt work much until it recovered...well my english teacher forced me to write with my non-writing hand but#and one girl got sent home for throwing up on the stairs#and another from my limited memories for falling down the stairs which uh were stone in a way so um#(i fell up those stairs somehow once...didnt get sent home but i missed english so) they had no choices sometimes)
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>get ask >it's a spambot
ok.
#🌠— chats#sorry im just...upset. over feeling like im Never Enough for people. even family and friends.#it's eating me alive atm#i want to write but i just... feel hopeless#maybe i could write something about how im feeling. but i guess im not very good at transforming feelings into words. yk?#i dont know. envy is such an ugly disgusting feeling to experience. it makes me feel so insecure. so pathetic.#idfk anymore. sorry for ranting. i just wish i was given a bit more than what ive always been given#growing up as a kid who was very emotionally neglected does shit to an mf#ANYYYYWAYYYYY
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ngl I have such a love/hate relationship with the fate franchise
#mostly cuz of how they write and design the female characters#...they could not get more anime#like it was bad enough before fgo came out but after???#hoooooo boy#then cuz im a history and myth nerd the way they read and adapt some of the myths and stories#man is it so bad at times#but then again i also love the series#for the frankly insanely awesome concept#you're telling me we're gonna summon heroes from myth and legend into the modern world???#and make them fight to the death??#you're telling me napoleon vs heracles can be a thing????#sign me the fuck up#and the way that type of idea lends itself perfectly to writing a sort of modern day greek tragedy???#it's just peak#then it has to go and be all anime#ugh#also when im talking about the writers fucking up the mythos of characters i dont mean stuff like king arthur being a girl#(tho to be frank it opens up a can of worms regarding everything mordred related that i just wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole)#im talking about stuff like the absolut bullshittery that is gilgamesh actually somehow getting the herb of immortality#and using it to turn into a kid whenever he feels like it#THE WHOLE GODDAMN POINT OF GILGAMESH'S JOURNEY IN THE MYTH IS THAT SEARCHING FOR IMMORTALITY IS POINTLESS!!!#it's right there in the text!!!!!#but they shit all over that stuff all for what basically amounts to a gag!!#it just breaks my heart cuz it coukd be so good!!!#like legitimately good!!#ugh im just gonna stop now#fate franchise#general fate rant i guess#fate stuff#fate series
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the thing with moral puritanism is that there will always be something wrong with you. you will never be "clean" or "good" or "pure". there will be something to criticize no matter what. and this is something i have anxiety over. i want to be the best person i can possibly be, but trying to make myself pure and clean isn't the way to do it.
no matter how hard i try, i will never be clean. so why try?
#there's a lot of dark stuff i really don't like to read or write about. but then i just dont do so#for example: i dont like incest. i dont like it it's not for me. but i dont care if other people write it. it's not my buisness#also i write cannibalism shit all the time like. im not saying im being classy about it over here#i will never be “pure” enough to fit into that. i dealt with a lot of personal feelings as a kid by writing dark stuff.#everyone deals with their issues in their own way. and sometimes people just have weird kinks and wanna write/draw/read it.#that is not my fucking buisness. i shouldn't have to care about what other people do unless it directly affects me#(obvious reminder that hurting children in any circumstance is not cool and dont do that)#🪲
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honestly ive been using tiktok much less recently, like ill still scroll through it sometimes when i have nothing else to do but i feel like almost everyone that i meet on there are genuinely braindead ... i could go on such a big rant but i dont feel like typing it all out
#rambles#ive had enough of having to deal with brainrotted kids on tiktok#again i could write out such a long rant about it#but i really dont feel like it rn#i might sometime in the future though
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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Not very fond of people like waving off testament’s gender as just a Gear Thing but well at least it becomes funny when people apply it to gears as a whole. Like yeah i can agree with that. It has nothing to do with being a gear tho theyre all just transgender
#okay ill talk about it seriously down here#it does feel like the original intent behind their androgyny was to kind of Other them from humanity#daisuke saying theyve transcended humanity / talking about their ‘inhuman beauty’#i dont want to call it dehumanizing since theres like. a weird positive (…i guess) angle of them being ‘above’ humanity#thats just kind of a trope though. like nonhuman characters without a human concept of gender or sexuality. yknow#but anyway strive didnt really go back on this. they kinda made it a part of their arc?#i think dev backyard says that theyve ‘lived without the concept of gender’ since being turned into a gear#but theres no disconnect from humanity that goes along with that anymore#i like the implication that reconciling with humanity and more importantly their OWN humanity coincided with their presumable transition!#alright now for the part of this i dont like. its weird to assume the gear conversion had some effect on their body and THATS why theyre nb#i think any implications of that are vague enough to be dismissed#i wouldnt even call them Implications its like. messy (and contradictory!) early 2000s phrasing and a theory about 1 line of dialogue lol#early fandom stuff im aware of but dont know enough to talk about aside. nowadays its just used to like#excuse their androgyny. by gamers who cant just. believe that theyre nonbinary because they want to be. lol#not because of anything that was done to their body against their will. or even more simply because theyre just a gear and are Above gender#literally theyre just nonbinary. isnt that cool. i wish everyone could agree this is cool and end the discussion there.#except for me. i can discuss it all i want forever. because im the understander.#whatever. at least the section of testament’s wiki page theorizing about their genitalia is gone now. kissaroo for whoever took that off.#I NEED TO WRITE UP THAT TIMELINE IM LITERALLY NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY IM AUTISTIC ABOUT TESTAMENT’S GENDER. CLEARLY#the kat goes meow#gg
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GOD I HAD AN IDEA AS I WAS FALLING ASLEEP TODAY
About FaaF naturally
A sad one, TW fir near child death and harm
Involves Xero's attempt at an assassination, or it could be literally just any guard controlled by the Radiance
PK and WL need to talk about something private, and WL looks at the tiny vessel tagging along by her wyrm's side
"Should it be here?"
"It wouldn't understand anything anyway."
"Still, it's...a little..."
He sighs lightly, "Yeah, I get where you're coming from... Vessel, come here."
He kneels down and orders them to sit by the door and wait for them while they talk, says he'll come pick them up once they're done and not to move, then the two go to talk on the balcony and close the door behind them
At some point, Xero/the guard bursts in and attacks PK in the middle of the conversation, managing to take them by surprise and so gets one good swing in before PK darts away and retaliates, pinning them down with soul blades, though he has to keep his wife from killing them on the spot - he doesn't want to be so hasty, knowing they're infected and not themself. He pulls out the sword from his chest and that's when they realise, it's covered in void...
Child harm/near death TW beyond this point
After a moment of shock White Lady, who's closest to the doors, runs out and all her husband can hear is a horrified, heartbroken scream. He feels nauseous, his stomach twisting into knots and feeling like his heart is in his throat as he runs out after her. He sees her in tears, cradling a tiny bundle soaked in void. There's- there's so much void. It covers the floor where he left their child vessel and soaks through his lady's shawl and clothes as she cradles them in her arms.
For a moment he's paralysed, before he just snaps. He flies back onto the balcony, screaming at the possessed guard that he'll kill her, he'll make her pay for this, and he slays them in his rage (something he'll regret and feel ashamed of later), still hitting and screaming at Her well after the possessed person is dead and she can't hear him anymore.
He collapses, panting, near tears, and just gets himself up and stumbles out the door and towards the two, he wants to see how bad it is for himself.
Flower survives, but just barely. They had multiple stab wounds and lost their left arm, if not for their parents immediately healing them they'd be dead. They're barely older than 5, still so very little and defenceless, PK is horrified at how could anyone hurt a baby this young and helpless (hypocrite), even if they're not alive.
They're still on bed rest because that was so much damage and their mother doesn't leave their side and their father only leaves when necessary. They still don't realise Flower's alive and they know they shouldn't be so attached but it still feels like their baby and they can't just leave them. WL spends the entire day by their side, gently stroking their hair and horns with her now permanently void stained hands and softly coos and sings to them
Of course, they quickly realise they ARE alive because no way in hell a toddler is getting this hurt and NOT crying and screaming the second they wake up <3
Which just makes this situation so much worse
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#mentions of child harm and near death in tags too btw#so dont read further if its something youre sensitive to or cant handle rn#i like to write him as more sympathetic in faaf but i cant state enough what a gigantic hypocrite he is#pk: How can you hurt a child?! they're FIVE!#child harm cw#radi: ...dude.#dont make your kid a child soldier but also you cant 'all fair's in war' your way out of stabbing a toddler radi#unrelated tangent but they both suck and god i need to focus some more on FaaF Radi. Ik this AU at times feels like sympathetic PK and evil#villain Radi AU but it's really not. They're both morally grey and while Radi is a bit more. questionable and less sympathetic imo. doesnt#mean shes completely evil. they're both meant to be morally grey and both did equally horrible irredeemable shit that they come to regret#and wish to fix. ik it doesnt come off this way at times because i have my things i prefer to write at times and this AU was always a#relationship dynamic exploration between Flower and all different characters. but neither PK nor WL are by no means forgiven. Most of their#kids range from ''i literally dont care about you you are not my parents dont contact me again'' to ''i hate your guts''#with sometimes an added flavour of ''And I WILL murder your ass if I see you again'' for some of them#(Razor my beutiful wife with unchecked anger issues <3)#sorry if the tags are incomprehensible it is 5 am and i instantly forget anything i write the second i cant read it fully#once i finish writing a tag and it collapses the contents of it instantly leave my short term memory. im not being dramatic btw the amount#of times i have to back out from editing tags to read them back bc i forgot what i wrote is annoying
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Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.
#screaming into the void#definitely not okay today lads#i'm finding myself grieving my intelligence and contemplating if it was ever there to begin with#when i was younger i excelled in science so everyone assumed that i was a gifted kid despite my very obvious struggles in math and spelling#i was told over and over if i could just apply myself to other subjects the way i did with science#then i would do better in those subjects and reach my full potential#my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability#now as an adult it all feels meaningless#especially having been forced into going to college where it was made very quickly and abundantly clear that I wasn't actually gifted#i was just average#that was absolutely devastating to me and it's a thing i struggle with and i want to be angry about it but i dont know how to be#i was told over and over in childhood that i could be anything when i grew up that i could do anything if i just put my mind to it#then recieved little to no actual educational support for any of it especially when i discovered writing#and i dont know if i was never as smart as i was told i was or never even had the potential i was told i had#or if i just didnt have enough support#i dont believe in myself anymore and i dont think i was ever actually believed in by the adults in my life either#i think they would have supported me better if they had#or maybe they just didnt know how to#my dad has wondered and questioned me about where my drive ans passion went and i dont have the heart to tell him that#it evaporated when he told me i wouldn't be successful as a writer when he told me that i would only be successful by going to college#when he constantly questioned everything i did and made me doubt myself over and over again#i dont know how to combat this feeling of worthlessness that comes from feeling lied to about my intelligence as a kid#i dont know how to comfort myself in the face of realizing i probably didnt have all then potential i was promised i had#and even if i did at one point have it i lacked the support necessary to nuture and grow it#how does one grieve being promised the world only to find out that was never truly an option?#how does one become comfortable with learning and growing again when it's been made to feel unsafe#and a threat to their frail sense of identity?#how does one find peace and contentment in an ordinary life when they were promised so much more?#not just promised so much more but expected to be so much more and now feel the weight of expectation on them?#i feel like i was promised the world and told that it would be easy to conquer and when it wasnt it was due to my own fault and failings
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I am soooo bad at transitional times of life. High school graduation ? More like, fuck,
#sierra speaks#half my friends are moving away for college...#and im working all summer#and some of my teachers are leaving the school not that I'll be there anymore#leaving behind juniors who I'll miss#not knowing what yearbooks gonna do...#not getting to do as much w art club as i wanted to#its like high school is hell and it feels like it lasts forever but suddenly its just gone and there wasnt enough time#i know i know theres life after it yeah#but i...#it's still a change and its sad#my best friends family is moving out of state too#shes coming back and will live in dorms nearby me but still it's...#and i have to learn to drive...#even though i dont want toooooooo#like i do cause im a big kid now but like#no one prepared me for the emotional damage that growing up was gonna do and i havent even like done the risky heartbreak shit#anyways thats ur daily dose of sierra questioning life#maybe tmrw I'll journal instead of writing in the tags of mt ow posts NFJSFBDJ
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Hey crow, any signs of Cherry's crown yet? Or any trouble? This place does seem awfully vacant for a mystery dungeon...
“You just had to jinx it huh?”
Crow and Lupin have been separated.
(short written description under cut incase it didn’t come through well :3)
Crow is walking with Curce when they hear a rumble. They turn to warn Lupin only to see him a distance back and not paying attention. By the time Crow gets his attention it is too late and a wild wooper has used rockslide causing a cave in. Crow throws a miniature blowback orb to knock Lupin away from the falling rocks and the avalanche seperated them. The wooper escapes in the chaos.
#pokeask#ask#lupin riolu#crow gimmighoul#dont use rock slide in caves kids#fighting may be resistant to rocks#but not an entire cave in#hope the art translates well enough#I know it probably feels like it’s skipping around or something#in my defense I’m not the best at action comic sequences :’3#but I didn’t want to have it all in writing and it didn’t feel right to only do chunks of both idk#also I finished drawing way too late at night so that may be affecting it#anyways that’s why you get a quick note version!#was about time for a lil plot#Why does crow have tiny wonder orbs? Why didn’t they mention them when asked about items?#ask them
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