#i feel like i don’t really like. idk. share stuff about my life anymore

[hiraethwrote]

VENT SESSION LETS GOOOO — you’re allowed to scroll if you don’t care mwah

i spend an ungodly amount of hours on this app, and i look at you as my friends so just want to let you guys know

i am also a very nosy person myself, so seems only fair i share my own situation. but if you don’t care about all this, you can just keep scrolling. i honestly don’t mind lol

anyways… a few weeks ago, i told you guys i was going through something that was kinda heavy — yeah my bf and i were going through some stuff and started seeing someone professionally… we broke up

there was an understanding that this might be outcome when we first opened up this can of worms, and there turned out to be a lot of underlying issues that both of us had refused to acknowledge

it was definitely a mutual decision. though it’s a hard pill to swallow, we came to the conclusion it was the best for the both of us

we want such vastly different things in life, things neither of us should compromise on. to me, life came at me a lot faster than i anticipated and felt like there were things left unexplored — and neither of us want to hold the other person back from what we want

however, this is a person i have been with for six years, a quarter of my life. there’s obviously a lot of shared history which is hard to let go of. it’s also so incredibly painful when we’re not splitting due to lack of affection and love for the other person, but because our desires and wants in life just don’t align

he is still my best friend, and because of how our life situation is, we will continue living together as we have been doing for the past three years (he only lives here half the time due to work), until i move across the country when summer comes. we’re also going to celebrate christmas together because it just feels right lol

i would say i am doing as well as i can… we are obviously on good terms, but this is probably one of the hardest things i’ll go through. it is the biggest heartbreak of my life. but that is really just a sign that the time we’ve shared together haven’t been a waste. we can be proud of the fact that we’ve been honest, faithful, respectful and kind throughout the entirety of our relationship, to the point where this is so hard even though it’s the right decision

obviously, i am very scared of the path that lies ahead. he has been by my side for the better half of a decade, and i have the privilege of exploring things on my own. it’s obviously what i have been missing in my life, so i am excited for what’s to come, but terrified of living a life he’s not going to be such a big part of anymore

but things are going to be fine. idk how long it will take, i am suspecting very long, but i know in my bones this is for the best for us both. so with time, i will be happy

and not to worry, i have a fantastic support system. i have incredible friends who are there for me. i am lucky to have a family who is not guilting me about leaving a long term relationship, despite also being sad. and i’ve learned i have a great community on here who has showed so much kindness, and i am so grateful <3

that being said — i am not planning on taking a break from tumblr lol. if anything, i am starting to get out of my writers block. this past week i have written more than i have the last month so that’s good! i think i might try and be a little more productive than i have been the past few weeks (at least i hope so, work is picking up again hehe)

not putting this out here for sympathy or anything, but just a little update. i am interested in the lives of those i follow, so maybe some of you are interested in mine

wishing everyone a nice weekend 🫶🏻 i got work in the morning (day after the breakup that’s fun)

[heymacy]

🌟

[pepprs]

ok two things. #1 i am IMPOSSIBLY exhausted. just took a nap for a couple hours and have been awake for a bit but i feel like ivr been whacked like a punching bag like good god. and #2 is gonna have to make me delete this post later bc i feel weird and bad and paranoid abt saying it lol but. it’s just fucking weird and bad kinda bc im literally 2 years older than / removed from the students who work closest with us rn (who i spent most of today tabling w) and it’s so awkward bc we’re at the same-ish life stages and ik we totally would’ve been friends if we’d gone thru the same programs together as students but they ignore me / don’t and can’t talk to me like we’re friends bc im a staff member and my attempts to talk to them are lame and weird so idk. it’s just a lot and stressful and sobering

[ot8xbangchansgirlsblog]

Love the 0T8 story and requests... I have a request, please...

All of the members love on the omega physically, but chan really wants to be the one who breeds her first. He has this overwhelming desire to see her full with his pups. He has dreams and " gets off" to the image of her and hearing her sweet moans. One day he see omega helping han with a sprained wrist and seeing her all motherly and lightly scolding han for running in sock in the house, just makes him feral. He has reader go to their shared room and basically tried his best to ask if she would want this, without jumping her. They discuss it and she reveals to him she is due for her heat in 3 days and he rushes to his calendar and notices he is due for a rut at the same time. So they decide to do it then and we'll 3 days later and all the boys away, they go crazy and a few months later, hello plus sign!

ℍ𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕞𝕪 𝕓𝕒𝕓𝕪.

Warning: fluff/smut/blood

Summary: Request!

TW! Mention of Mpreg.

Only Felix and Y/n are omegas

A/N: Please note that this isn't my normal content and there is quite a graphic link in the chapter! This was quite very uncomfortable for me cause i never write smuts BUTT it was such an interesting experience and i would not mind writing smuts again if you guys are interested in it. Im just giving you guys a heads-up cause idk how i feel about like my wording and stuff.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

📍Studio

"Chan you've got to tell her, her heat is in 3 days," Changbin groaned. "Quite frankly i think all of us want to put a baby in her but you're taking too long."

"I know, i know. It's just that. I'm nervous bin," Chan replied. His hands were in his hair as he struggled to focus at the task in hand.

Producing music.

Ever since him and Felix did the show where they had to hang around a toddlers, he couldn't stop thinking about getting his Luna pregnant. He couldn't stop thinking about her walking around all swollen with a bump.

Just the thought about him and his packmate's putting so many babies in her made him go feral and he couldn't take it anymore.

"Well you better figure it out because lix's heat is after that and if you want both omegas carrying pups time isnt on your side," Changbin shrugged. "You know lixie would never allow to get pregnant before Luna-ssi."

Changbin was right. Felix would never allow to disrespect Y/N like that and the alphas would never get any of the omegas pregnant before he did.

"Don't you think i know that Changbin? Im trying okay? just give me time," He huffed before laying his head down on the table.

📍Home

“Jagi, I got all the snacks you asked me to get!” Lee Know called out as he walked through the door, hand in hand with Han.

“Coming!” Y/N responded quickly, her voice bright with excitement as she hurried down the stairs.

Lee Know smiled at the sound of her little footsteps approaching, followed by a delighted squeal.

“Hey babe!” She got on her tiptoes to give him a quick kiss, then turned to Jisung, offering him the same affection.

“We tried to get everything, but we just couldn’t find the heating pads you like, so Channie-hyung said he would bring some on the way back from work,” Lee Know explained, handing her the grocery bags so she could check everything.

“Oh my— you guys are the best! I think that’s all I need,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she rummaged through the bags.

“If you need anything else, just tell me, okay?” Lee Know said, removing his jacket and shoes as Han followed suit.

“Your heat is in three days, my love. Please don’t forget like last time, and don’t eat all the snacks!” Han whined, making his way behind her into the kitchen as she began to unpack.

“It was one time!” she fake-pouted. “Plus, I’m going to put these away. Can you help me start on dinner?” She turned to Han, who was already rolling up his sleeves.

“Yeah, sure! What should I start with?” Han replied, eager to assist. He washed his hands quickly, ready to make her life a little easier.

“Maybe start with the meat?” Y/N suggested, looking around the kitchen. “There it is— it’s quite a bit, so I’ll help once I store these away.” She handed him the package resting on the counter and moved to grab her snacks and drinks for the ‘heat’ room.

“Be careful! The knife is sharp!” she warned before turning to leave.

“I will,” Han smirked, watching her walk away. Her body moved with a sway, and he couldn’t help but groan, cursing his alpha for being so utterly in love with her.

As Y/N walked away, she caught a hint of Han’s arousal in his scent and giggled softly. She loved how her alphas were so drawn to her; it made her feel confident and beautiful, just as every omega should.

“I’ve gotten all the scented clothes I could find and some fresh sheets, baby! Where should I put them?” I.N interrupted as she made her way down the corridor towards the basement.

“I’m about to go downstairs. Can you put them down there? I’ll probably start nesting tonight,” she replied, her eyes sparkling with excitement. She felt an overwhelming rush of love for him as he took care of her so well.

“Yeah, sure, anything for you,” he smiled, following her down to her heat room. Her scent grew stronger, wrapping around him like a warm embrace.

“Just place them there,” she said, pointing mindlessly to the bed before starting to stock the fridge with everything they had brought home.

Once I.N placed the clothes down, he made his way over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Her scent had become sweeter since last night, and he craved the closeness.

“You smell so good. Let Alpha take care of you,” he mumbled against her scent gland, his voice low and soothing.

“Baby, I know you want—” Suddenly, a loud yelp followed by a cry pierced the air, making both of them jump.

Y/N sprang into action, wanting to ensure everything was okay. She dashed out of the room and into the kitchen, I.N hot on her heels.

“What? What happened?” she panicked, rushing to Han’s side and examining his pained face.

“I cut my hand!” he whimpered, seeking comfort from her.

“Oh, Hannie, I told you to be careful!” she pouted, gently taking his hand to assess the cut.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s not that bad. Go to the living room. I’ll be there in a second,” she said, slowly shooing him to sit down. He frowned but obeyed her instructions, reluctantly heading to the living room.

“Innie, can you finish this up? I’ll be back in a bit,” she asked, passing him a clean knife.

“Yeah, I got it. Don’t even worry,” he replied instantly, releasing a soft scent of pheromones to calm her, sensing the tension in her scent.

Grateful for his help, Y/N grabbed the first aid kit and made her way to the living room. It was empty, meaning the boys were probably in the gaming room or the home studio, likely oblivious to what had just happened.

Rolling her eyes, she sat on Han’s lap and gently took his injured hand. “How many times do I have to tell you to be careful with the knife, Jisungie—” she began to scold him, her voice laced with concern.

“I’m home!” The pack alpha called out from the door, interrupting their moment.

“In here!” Y/N called out, continuing to scold Han as she tended to his hand.

The house smelled sweet, and Chan recognized Y/N's scent immediately. It enveloped the space, overpowering everything else. A mix of honey and vanilla, it was reminiscent of baked goods, filling him with warmth but also an undeniable hunger.

How was he going to face her? His alpha was already growling and howling, barely making it through the door. He hated her heats; they completely unraveled him. Now, on top of that, he was grappling with his own rut, and her intoxicating scent was only making it worse.

“What’s going on?” he smiled, forcing cheerfulness as he stepped into the living room and took in the sight of his two mates on the couch.

“Han cut his hand,” Y/N sighed, glancing back at the pouting boy.

“I said I’m sorry, noona,” Han whined, his voice a mixture of embarrassment and pain.

“I know, baby, but you can’t keep being clumsy like this. Just the other day, you twisted your ankle playing football with the boys,” she chastised gently.

“And chan you need to talk to him because he’s been getting hurt a lot, He wont listen to me!” she added, furrowing her eyebrows in frustration.

“Baby—” Chan groaned internally. Why was she going into ‘mommy mode’ right now? Of all times, especially in that sundress he loved. He felt utterly screwed.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him,” he sighed, instinctively covering his front with his laptop bag as he felt heat rise within him.

“Good! Now go get the boys for a snack. You guys have had a long day,” she instructed, her voice sweet and satisfied with herself, completely unaware of how turned on Chan was.

“All done, baby. You’ll feel better, I promise,” she said, placing a gentle kiss on Han’s plaster before getting up to clean up the mess. Chan stood there hesitating, his eyes wandering over her body.

This rut was going to kill him, and he felt it tightening around him like a noose.

After dinner, Y/N found herself seated on the floor, carefully trying to help Hyunjin with his brushes when Seungmin called for her running down the steps. She could see the worry etched on his face as he paced in the living room, clearly upset.

“Y/Nnie!” he called out, rushing to her side.

“Yes, my love? What is it?” She looked up at him, curiosity sparkling in her eyes.

“Can you please help me fix it? It ripped,” Seungmin pouted, sinking to his knees between her legs.

“Oh dear,” she frowned, taking in the damage. “I can fix it! Let me grab my sewing box.” With a warm smile, she gently brushed his hair away from his eyes.

“I really need to get you to a haircut,” she sighed, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead before standing up.

“Fine, but not too much!” he huffed playfully.

“Deal. Just a trim, I promise.” She took the sweater from his hands, making sure not to disturb the others gathered in the living room.

As Chan watched Y/N interact with Seungmin, he felt even more confident about putting a baby any her. The way she cared for them—so nurturing and loving—made his heart race. He couldn’t help but imagine her with their future children, how gentle and warm she would be. A blush crept up his cheeks as he entertained some playful thoughts about their future.

“Can I come?” Chan’s voice cut through, curiosity evident in his tone. This might be his chance to steal Y/N away for a moment.

“Yes, of course! It’s going to be boring anyway,” she shrugged, leading the way to her room with Chan close behind. Once there, he settled onto her bed, admiring her as she worked on the sweater.

“Y/N?” he called softly.

“Hm?��� She looked up, and he felt a warmth spread through him—she was so soft-spoken and gentle.

“What do you think about having kids?” he asked, not wanting to waste another moment.

She paused, a small smile forming on her lips. “Well, that’s kind of my purpose as an omega, you know? To be bred and nurture pups,” she giggled.

“So you’re open to having a pup right now?” His smile widened, heart racing at the thought.

“Yes, baby, of course I am! I’ve been waiting for a while, actually. You know I’m not getting any younger,” she said, laying the sweater aside to sit on his lap.

“Is this why you boys have been trying to sniff me every time we… well, you know?” she teased, raising an eyebrow.

When omegas get pregnant, their scent changes distinctly, and it was no secret the boys had been checking to see if she was expecting.

“Y-yeah, but we wanted to make sure you were sure since your heat is coming up soon, and I want to be the first—” he stammered, feeling a rush of excitement.

“I’m all yours, baby. You can get me pregnant,” she confirmed, and Chan felt like he was soaring. His hands wrapped around her, pulling her into a deep, lingering kiss.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips.

“I love you too,” she replied, her eyes sparkling with joy.

Trigger Warning 18+:

The next day was rough on Y/N’s body. Her cramps had begun, and all she could do was stay in the heat room, wanting to avoid triggering any of the boys’ ruts. Chan was already feeling his own rut coming on, and it would be difficult for the pack to function with two of their mates in such a state.

She had successfully built her nest, surrounded by soft blankets and pillows, and now she was nestled in the middle of the bed, wearing only a big shirt that Lee Know had given her. The fabric felt comforting against her skin, a reminder of the love and care from her mates, but it did little to quell the throbbing ache in her abdomen.

Y/N shifted slightly, trying to find a comfortable position, but the discomfort was persistent. She focused on her breathing, willing herself to relax.

In between her legs felt like it was on fire as her insides clenched around nothing. Her womb screaming to be filled by one of her alphas. Her nipples were sore under her shirt.

"Hurts..." she whimpered as she squeezed her legs together looking for some type of friction.

Slick was building up and sweat made her hair stick on her skin as her body burned, "Alpha," she cried knowing the boys could hear her through the bond. "Need you please," she whimpered in pain.

Outside the door, all the boys except Chan were trying to calm themselves down. I.N couldn't stop pacing back and forth, and it was starting to irritate everyone.

"I.N, get your shit together!" Seungmin shouted, smacking him hard across the face.

"If he doesn't go down there to breed her, I will," I.N growled, rubbing his cheek.

"He has this one chance and he's not even here," His alpha was furious with Chan, knowing that Y/N was currently suffering down there crying for one of them.

"You know, Chan said he wanted to be the first," Leeknow got up making sure to stand in front of the other alpha. He wanted to make sure I.N didn't charge towards the basement.

"I'm not letting you try to strip that honour from Chan, he's the pack leader. He gets the omega first." The tension in the room thickened as the two alphas squared off, eyes blazing, each unwilling to back down.

"I'm here," Chan stepped into the room.

"No need for all this min, you know it's just his I.N's alpha talking. Step down," Chan's voice was hoarse and he looked awful.

Leeknow scoffed before grabbing his keys. "I can't stand being in here anymore hyung. We have to leave. Just for our sake," He grabbed his duffle bag off the ground.

"We'll see you guys later, Felix call me if things get bad," Changbin was dead serious knowing how rough Chan could get when he was all alpha mode in his rut.

This was a rule in their pack. They knew how possessive they could each get over the omgas so they all just would leave the house and go down to the cabin until it was all over.

"i will, i love you guys and stay safe," Lix walked them out to the car before waving them off and coming back into the house where he found Chan almost collapsing.

His scent was now even stronger and more musky than before. He knew his alpha's rut had began. It was probably because he was now closer to Y/n. She was just a few doors down.

"Oh no, Hyung!" Felix gasped, "Did she trigger your rut already?," he said concerned. Felix quickly ran to the alpha's side to stabilize him from falling.

"I need to go down there now," Chan couldn't take it anymore, his body sweating as he took each step.

"I-if I hurt her, Lix-"

"You won't, Hyung. She trusts you. You've never hurt me before. You'll be okay," Lix kissed his lips before slowly helping him inside the room. His eyes were fully deep dark red. Fuck, game time.

There she lay. her legs spread apart. Little whimpers escaping her lips. She was shaking probably from the pain.

"i'll come check in on you guys in a bit," Felix whispered before quickly leaving the room.

"Alpha?" she looked up from her position, her eyes were glistening.

"I'm here babygirl," he was soft, trying not to jump at her. "Does it hurt hm?"

"Please, n-need you. Need pups. Need to be full. Please," she fell into his arms as her legs quivered. He let her sit right on his throbbing dick.

"You were supposed to start your heat in two days, you just couldn't wait to get pregnant hm? Needed me to breed you so fast?"

"N-no," she whispered. She looked away shy and embarrassed.

"Oh?" he furrowed his eyebrows, "In that case should I just go call-"

"No! No pack alpha always first. Need you. Wanna be a good luna. Wanna carry Alpha's babies," she cried gripping onto his shoulders.

Her nails dug into his skin as her core touched directly on his. She let out a painful groan and started to grind.

"Baby stop that," he groaned, removing her and laying her on the bed. She lets out a whine and cries in frustration.

"I'm gonna take good care of you, my sweet luna."

"Just put it in, please," she interrupted, her eyes flashed gold then blue. Her omega was fully in control.

His hand pinned her down into the bed, his head slowly nuzzling into her shoulder. Her scent fogging his mind as she let out little whimpers.

Her legs wrapped around his waist and he continued to slowly leave small kisses down the sensitive skin around her gland. She felt like slick was now pooling under her as she squirmed at the sensation.

"Gonna let me mark you up, princess?" he growled into her ear. His teeth slowly sank into her skin on the original mark that she had.

She let out a loud moan as he started to lick the bite. She felt like she was going to go feral.

He ripped her shirt apart and she squealed, his mouth landing on her nipple (A/N: Lord save me, I hate this sm).

"Ch-Channie, sensitive," she whimpered, "sensitive." Her body was on fire. Her legs wrapping tighter around him.

He looked up at her before admiring the marks on her neck. He was proud of his work of art.

In no time his pants were on the floor, her eyes landed on his raging boner. His tip pink and swollen already leaking pre-cum.

His hand then slid in between her folds as he slowly guided his dick into her entrance. She's screaming, she's squirming, and both his hands quickly pinned her waist down.

"Behave," he growled and slammed himself inside of her.

"Oh Channie, so deep. Oh my-" Chan's eyes landed on her bare tummy, his panting on top of her.

"Look at this, baby, I can see my dick in your womb," he smirked as he watched the bulge.

"Mnfhggg" she's in lala land. She can't take it anymore, it's just so deep. She cant talk.

"So full alpha," she wraps her arms around his neck.

"Gonna be walking around with a baby bump hm? Gonna grow my baby in you?" He groaned.

"Yes...Please. Yes! Gonna be a pretty mommy just for you," She was crying. Her tears soked the blanket as every thrust pulled her closer to her orgasm.

"So fertile for me baby, look at you," That was the push chan needed. He felt his dick twitch before he came deep inside her.

TW: Chan breeding Y/N link

When Y/N’s heat finally subsided, she lay in chan's bed now, her body marked with bruises—deep blue and purple prints decorating her skin like a canvas of passion. She was completely out of it, lost in the haze of post-heat exhaustion.

"I think you really did it this time, babe," Felix teased, pulling the damp sheets off the bed with a smirk. They were cleaning up the heat room since Felix's heat was soon coming and slick was really hard to get off sheets.

Chan beamed, a glow of satisfaction radiating from him. "Those were the best four days of my life," he replied, his excitement palpable.

Felix chuckled, tossing the sheets into a pile. "Do you think she’ll be able to go to work on Monday?" he asked, his voice light despite the situation.

"I doubt it, but we’ll see," Chan groaned, stretching his limbs before grabbing his phone from the bedside table. He felt the weight of fatigue settling in, but his heart was still racing from the intensity of the past few days. "I’m gonna check on her and then pass out for a few hours. Thank you for taking care of us these past few days," he said, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on Felix’s lips. Without him, Chan wasn’t sure how he would have managed to care for Y/N.

"Anytime, hyung," Felix replied, his voice warm.

Chan’s eyes twinkled with mischief. "Are you ready for your turn?" he smirked, a teasing glint in his eye. "I promise I’ll be more gentle with you."

Felix's cheeks flushed a deep crimson. "Yes, alpha, I am," he stammered, the thought of being the next omega to be bred both thrilling and embarrassing. "But I think we should get you rested up first."

"Yeah, well, I can’t wait," Chan laughed, the sound echoing with joy as he headed toward the stairs.

As Chan slipped into the room, he couldn't resist the urge to lay down beside Y/N. She was fast asleep, her breathing gentle and even. With a tender smile, he rested his hand on her lower belly, feeling the soft curve beneath his palm.

He marveled at how her abdomen had already begun to swell, a beautiful sign of their growing family. The thought sent a thrill through him, excitement bubbling up inside. Soon, they would be parents, and their pack would expand in ways they had only dreamed of.

Chan closed his eyes for a moment, allowing the reality of it all to wash over him. He imagined their little ones, the laughter and joy they would bring, the chaos and love that would fill their home.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Don't forget to reblog and follow! <3

A/N: Thank you anon!

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[fortheloveofpiggy]

TW this is a rant about proship and comship! Tags will have more in-depth trigger warnings

Edit: OMG PROSHIPPERS STOP MAKING THIS POST ABOUT DEFENDING IF SHIPPING CHILD X ADULT OR INCEST IS OKAY OR NOT THE POST IS ABOUT THE LABLE I DONT WANT TO ARGUE WITH YALL ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

This is my one post where all people on all sides of the proship debate can interact. Including proshippers. If that makes you uncomfortable then don’t interact. I hate echo chambers and I want to hear all sides.

Also sorry for cross tagging just want the opinions from all sides

Actual post:

I hate the terms proship, neutral ship, and antiship. They’re all extremes and I hate them. From what I understand the meanings are

Proship: support all ships no matter what even if they’re comships

Neutral ship: doesn’t have an opinion at all

Antiship: is anti any comship which is outrageous

If y’all don’t know comship just means complex ship or they enjoy more morally grey or imperfect ships. This can include things like human X different intelligent species (like aliens, furries, monsters) which most rational people don’t think is bad. But this can also mean kid X adult, family x family, or victim X abuser

I actually don’t identify as pro, neu, or anti because I think some comships are good and healthy. I think morally grey ships are important in media when done correctly. Especially since a lot of relationships are rocky and not always healthy and it’s good to show that in media. My own ocs personally aren’t in a perfectly healthy relationship because of their own issues. But this should be done respectfully and with care. Abuse shouldn’t be romanticized but people can be romantic outside of the abuse going on just like in real life relationships

But in a pedophilic fan fiction or art or an incest fanfic or art there is no such thing as a loving part of it. The relationship in itself is abuse because a minor being with a child is abuse and family members being together is abuse. It’s not healthy for anyone involved to romanticize relationships like that and frankly can effect reality no matter how you spin it because it’s representing something as normal to kids.

Right now a lot of neutrals, antis, and probably a lot of pro shippers are agreeing but that’s where my point really starts

The term “proship” and “anti ship” are too vague. If you say you’re proship you sound like you defend media where children are harmed. I understand the meaning is being proshipping and minding your business but that’s still what you look like and frankly that’s what the term does. If you’re pro everything then that means you’re pro the harmful stuff too

And the term “antiship” suggest that you’re anti shipping in general or anti any complex ship which is also unhealthy for us all because morally grey topics need brought up. Antis also are very very commonly okay with harassment when it comes to proshippers

And neutral ship is basically just saying you don’t have a opinion at all which is harmful because you’re suggesting you’re okay with the harm done on both sides. And I understand some people who are neutral ship agree with me and don’t just not care but I feel like majority is the former not the latter (based on what I’ve seen)

Also disclaimer if you’re neutral because of mental health or because you have better things to deal with that’s valid but identifying as neutral ship does put you in it and i instead suggest staying out of it entirely

So idk maybe we should make a term for the middle. I had a few ideas maybe something like middleship or intentship (intentship meaning enjoying or allowing all ships as long as the intentions are good and are not to romanticize trauma or abuse)

Idk everyone can share their opinions but if I see another proshipper say fiction doesn’t effect reality I’m gonna scream and if I see another anti shipper call all morally grey ships bad as if they done killed their grandma I’ll go insane

[your-unfriendlyghost]

I have two things to ask:

1.-Can we be friends?

2.-Do you have any Outsiders headcanons (or any that you haven't submitted yet)?

I mean sure?? Idk who you are since you’re on anon, so not REALLY, but I’m always down to talk!

2. Yeah lol- tons. Too many. Here’s a few (okay like 25 oops) off the top of my head lol, some serious/angsty and some lighthearted/kinda stupid without any real order. (Lotta ‘em are about Steve tbh -there’s so little to him in canon that I have the freedom to hc pretty much whatever I want)

Steve Randle’s nearsighted and has no idea, which is why he’s literally always squinting. (I’ve had that one for like months but only recently mentioned it on here lol.) Steve thinks his vision is completely normal

Dally and Sylvia genuinely cared for each other, but they were both so horrible at having healthy emotions that they just made each other worse. In a bad way, not a fun way.

When Steve gets kicked out, sometimes he hangs with Johnny in the lot. They don’t really talk about anything important like their shared experiences of having lousy parents. Instead they talk about cars, girls, music, school…lighthearted stuff. Sometimes Johnny will find Steve crying, which he never mentions- he’ll just sit down as per usual, which Steve appreciates. Steve almost never finds Johnny crying though. Johnny doesn’t cry much.

Okay tangent- I love how Steve and Johnny are low-key foils. Like Steve always seems tough but then cries when pushed to his limit, while Johnny always seems skittish until he’s under a bunch of pressure- in which case he suddenly is confident. (Not necessarily thriving obviously, but confident yk? Like grinning while saving those kids in the fire.) I know SE Hinton probably didn’t intend that at all, but it’s just such an interesting detail to me. One of these days I’ll put it into words better

Johnny’s jeans-jacket is a hand-me-down from either Steve or Two-Bit. (I can’t decide which lol) (obviously Dally would make sense too, but honestly I think it’d add more depth to flesh out Johnny’s relationships with the other members of the gang)

After the events of the book, Two-Bit starts hanging around the Curtis’s place even more. At first the gang assumes he’s trying to lighten the mood. It’s only after he gets sent to the cooler for a month due to drunk driving that they realize he was actually hanging around so much because he was trying to keep his kid sister from seeing him so drunk…

Two-Bit likes to joke that he keeps failing junior year so that him and his sister can graduate together. Which is a very bad idea since his sister is a year younger than Ponyboy.

Sodapop often feels like he’s only good for looking pretty and not all that useful or interesting otherwise. He likes himself, but when he stops to think about it too much, he starts to wonder if he really has anything going for him at all

My H/C for Steve’s home life is that his Mom is sick w/ like cancer or something. Before she got sick, Steve’s life was pretty alright for an eastsider- he and his dad fought, but they always made up for the most part. They weren’t perfect, but they loved each other. But after she got sick, she wasn’t there to mediate between Steve and his Dad anymore, and the fighting got worse and worse. And then Steve’s dad started drinking more and it was pretty downhill from there. Steve’s Dad still loves him, but sometimes Steve wishes that he didn’t. If he didn’t, then he could hate him. But his dad does love him, so he can’t get himself to.

Steve and Dally taught Johnny to drive when they were all like fourteen-fifteen-ish. Johnny is a very reckless driver. He loves speeding.

Johnny also loves fast roller coasters and stuff.

Dally doesn't ‘cuz he’s low-key scared of heights- he likes riding broncos and rodeos, but put him at the top of a roller coaster and he’s convinced that it’s gonna break and he’s gonna die. He pretends he doesn’t mind. The only people who know he’s scared of them are Johnny, and before she died, Mrs. Curtis.

Steve has a napoleon complex. Johnny, who is shorter than him by a few inches, likes to bully him for it sometimes

Ponyboy and Cherry don’t interact much in the school year after the book, but in the summer after, they start to hang out. Eventually they become pretty close. They fangirl over Paul Newman together

Ponyboy still doesn’t let Cherry read his theme though until years later

Marcia and Two-Bit re-meet a few months after the book. (Two-Bit is really scared that she’s embarrassed to be dating him, and Marcia is really scared that he’s embarrassed to be dating her. Neither of them are embarrassed. They both adore each other.)

Two-Bit likes to watch Marcia barrel racing. One time while he’s there, he runs into Ponyboy watching Cherry barrel race and immediately tells everyone much to Pony’s chagrin

Evie knows a little bit about cars, and she sometimes helps out at the DX during summers. Steve is so whipped for her lol (and Soda too Steve has two hands)

Evie and Sylvia are besties, but Steve and Sylvia hate each other. They act civil in front of Evie, but as soon as her back is turned they’re growling at each other like dogs. (Well Steve is. Sylvia just acts condescending as hell. Sometimes it goes over his head, so Steve knows she’s insulting him but isn’t sure what the insult is/means. Which makes Steve kinda want to kill her.)

Steve and Soda are low-key co-dependent. (Steve more so- Soda has his family at least, while to Steve, Soda and Evie are his whole world pretty much) It’s probably not super healthy, and both of them are vaguely aware of that, but are trying not to think about it too hard rn

Ponyboy’s friend group in high school consists of Curly Shepard, Mark Jennings, Scout Jenkins (from the tv show), and eventually, in her senior year, Cherry Valance. (There’s others too but those are the main ones.)

Pony dates Cathy Carlson for a while too, idk if they’re good for each other or not- I kinda like the idea of them being a sweet couple tbh, but no one else on here seems to care about them so I haven’t really explored the idea much lol

In a Dally lives au, Mark Jennings and Dally end up spending a bit of time together through Pony, and at some point they realize that they’re half-brothers lol. Mark is a deeply obnoxious little brother to have, and he drives Dally nuts on purpose. Weirdly I think Dally’s a relatively good influence on him, as much as someone like Dally can be. And Dally does care for Mark, though not as much as he cares for Johnny- Mark is, in his head, not exactly his responsibility.

Well I have (so many) more, but I think that’s enough for now lol. Point is, even though I haven’t drawn in a minute, I love these characters and their romanticized version of 1960s Tulsa so much and I think about them way too often lol

(dw once i get more into the swing of school I’ll be doin more art!)

[shutupheathersorryheatherr]

"Bakery ownerKai! Smutty hcs:"

✰---Summary: you pass this new bakery so often. and from what you can tell from just through the windows, it's full of cheer and life. whoever uses it makes the most of the small space. their personality really shines through in the decorations and the desserts looked good and well... you couldn't deny that the baker with the apron and the broad shoulders looked good in there as well. so you decide to stop in. but this is only the beginning: now he smiles when he thinks of you and your cute interaction together, hoping you'd come back and then soon enough... you do.

✰--- approx: 20 min read

✰---A/n: idk if these are considered hcs anymore lol here's a fic to hopefully tide over y'all while I finish up on that much much longer one for Vernon. may or may not turn this into a full fic OR just another hc post. probably the second because of the Vernon fic coming out perhaps in two chapters. andI feel as if this would just be better in "hc " format. (Maybe some header images coming soon idk) trying to make my fics prettier do y'all like the life stars?

✰---warningz/info: cursing I think, lots of talk of eating and desserts, smutty, Kai jerks off, I have a little brake telling you where the NSFW starts, reader has boobs but otherwise is gn I think. and that’s about it.

~this is simply a piece of fiction. My imagination onto “paper.” This is in no way is mean to be taken as an actual and real representation of anyone.~

if you don’t have an age indicator saying you’re not a minor in your blog then I will be blocking you! So minors dni!!

••••••••••••••••••••••••

Bakery owner!Kai who whips his head around spilling chocolate on the floor when he hears your voice for the first time. He has just opened the shop, it was a hole in the wall and cutesy— plushies and Pokémon character figurines on the shelves, stuff like that. You saw it then you saw him. With his powdered sugar dusted apron from the doughnuts this morning. And in this moment he realizes how very, extremely, dank he looks right now. His eye bags are dragging down his face like circles of hell, he hadnt had time to do much anything about it this morning. His hair isn’t really done. He had slept through his first alarm (something he hasn’t done is forever) and had to get here, to make the stupid doughnuts early because well, he’s the only worker here. Ugh why did I have to conserve on money this way? He thought to himself. The bowl clatters with a reverberating and embarrassing clang. He cringes, quickly going to pick it up as you greet him so so so cutely he thinks his heart will explode.

Bakery owner!Kai who’s blush on his cheeks looks so adorable to you you have half a mind to tell him. You’d Been passing this shop for days but you’d finally gotten a chance to go in this morning. He’d never know, but you’d looked into your phones selfie camera to fix your appearance one last time before going in after taking a deep breath. And you smile at the way he endearingly shares the story of how he got the shop with you.

Bakery owner!Kai who somehow feels so comfortable with you quickly when you ask about the weird names for all his desserts. He says it’s a long story and you tell him you’ve got all the time in the world for it. And he smiles wide and your knees go weak. And then because of the air of the shop you carried in with you when you set foot into the place or vibe you give off he doesn’t know but he just blabbers on and on about why he named the desserts what he did

◆◆◆◆◆nsfw under the cut◆◆◆◆◆

Bakery owner!Kai who hopes and prays that you’ll be back. and that night he can’t get you out of his head. oh no.... he really can't. and he almost feels bad when the thought of you and your sweet as sugar smile is being tossed around in his mind, making his stomach do flips as his weeping cock is dripping onto his fist. and he just can't.... stop. not that he wants to. hes pretty sure your imagine is burned in his mind till the day he dies... ok, maybe a little over exaggerated but you get the point. but now he can't think. his mind his clouded with how he should've invested in more business cards. so he could've given you one and maybe suavely told you to call him if you ever had a sugar emergency

ok... that was a little cheesy so maybe not. but who the hell knows, maybe you'd like it?! he'd gone over that small interaction you two had that day-- wondering, even though it was all a blur, how he made you feel; comfortable? at ease? oh, he hopes so. even the way he handed the box to you, with a free pastry in there as well, of course, tied with his best, perkiest ribbon all neatly. he wanted to make sure it was perfect for you. even if he never saw you again, even if you both forgot in a weeks time. he wanted to make a good impression while he had the chance.

he even worried about how the pastry tasted. though, he was confident in his skills with his passion he couldn't help but think about it all the rest of that day. which... when he though about it... seemed lonely without you in his shop. was it a good texture? flavors balanced enough? not the slightest hint of staleness? he made sure to grab one from the back of the display counter to make sure.

"you must really wanna see them again?" his friend joked "youre in looooveeee"

Bakery ownerKai! who, when he says that, rolls his eyes at Beomgyu, the friend with powdered sugar caked on his face thicker than he could grow his own beard to be. who was sitting at his table, getting crumbs all over it with the weird way he was sitting.... with his feet... all over the booth. Not even with shoes on! just bare feet. which kai honestly didnt mind much. he lets his friends eat here when hes closing up and nobody's around all the time. they'll usually clean out the couple things here and there that didnt sell and would've been thrown away anyways.

so when he drops his broomstick, almost shrieking, whisper yelling at Beomgyu to get his feet off the furniture, his friend at question is a little bit confused but does it anyway.

Baker ownerKai! who's nonchalant and laughing at his friends comment shaking his head and thinking to himself: no no, thats not true. pfff this guy is outta his mind! that was... until he saw you walk in again. "hello! I know you're closing in like--" you check your phone, "five minutes. but would you mind? that dessert I got a bit back was so good I had to literally run here from work to get the same one." he nods, smiling. and Beomgyu sits up straight in his seat at the way you two are just sitting there.... looking at each other for just a little too long. Kai swiftly drops down to pick up the broom he had dropped before leading you to the counter.

"sorry about that. I was just setting up traps for any burglars, but I trust you'll pay right?" he chuckles and you laugh along with him. "if I didnt pay then id never be able to have any more of this delicious delicacy, am I right?" you joke back. he nodes and keeps up his very much not customer service smile and gets you the dessert he remembers giving you in a box. "aw thank you!" he places the tongs down into the sink "thats really sweet of you! was it that good?" he turns back around to face you, closing up the box and you can't help but stare at the way his hands flex when his nimble fingers are pushing that box closed.

you realize youre taking too long to respond, "no seriously, it was!" you lean excitedly on the counter, bouncing on your heels. "and thats why I had to come back for more., and why I need to pay and leave a generous tip" you chuckle, already counting out the cash for the little doughnut shaped tip jar. "or maybe I could just give it to you for free!" his back is turned, snipping a stand of that pretty expensive ribbon he used especially for yours last time and made sure to move towards the front of the ribbon rack in case you came back so that he'd reach it easily.

"wait? what? no! youre joking right?" he spins back around to you, smirk on his face. "not in the slightest." he chirps. then hands you the box. you stuff your tip in the jar. "no seriously! please, take the money." you weren't worried that he now might think you owe him, he seemed to nice for that. "and im serious too. its like one pastry. you'd be taking it off my hands and doing be a favor actually if you'd like to think of it that way that is. not that is isn't fresh." he shrugged. hes leaning in over the counter a little bit, apron bumping the iPad customers would use to pay. you open your mouth to say something but he stops you "you already tipped me! even if you didnt just take it. my treat."

you didnt know it but in his mind he was already dreaming of having one ready every week for when you came in. maybe a sticky note with his number one day too? "wow thanks so much! thats so sweet of you!" you hold the box closer to you and look down at it.

you also didnt know it, but hes his half hard cock is now pressed up against the cabinet under the counter. and hes trying not to imagine you with powered sugar on your nose... not a very sexual sight in itself he guesses, but something cute none the less and that won't do his situation any good. hes also trying not to think of you licking your fingers after the delicious dessert, or the way youre leaned over the counter even more now, giving him a perfect vantage point of your plush boobs that after accidentally seeing a peak of once he wants to never do so again.

hes mature, or at least needs to be about this. not that he doesn't want to. cause god he really wants to take a sneak peak down. who wouldn't? youre sweet and gorgeous, and funny! but he wants you to know who he really is. so thats why hes currently focusing really hard on your eyebrow and trying so damn hard not to even glance down in that general direction. even if he was doing something entirely different than peaking.... cause thats what gentleman does.

"wait how'd you know my order?"

and now hes back on earth. he scratches the back of his neck. "I uh" "were you hoping id be back?" you smile, obviously meaning it' as a joke. but he just smiles back "bakers memory," he taps his brain, "there a lot up here ya know. gotta remembers recipes and stuff" he takes it as a win cause it was a good distraction. you take it as a win cause he kinda just called you important... right?

you dont pay and see yourself out. as youre opening the door you sniff the box "ugh smells so good! can't wait. thanks again!" and just like that youre gone

Bakery ownerKai! who's friend who is usually such a yapper, is at a loss for words for a second after you leave until he simply says: "I get the feeling you'll be seeing them a lot"

~end~

I’m gonna do a part two/ make this into a full on fic eventually. Just wanted something to post until I finish the bigger fic I’m working on. If you liked it please leave some love like comments or a reblog!

Thanks for reading <3

Taglist: @bamtorin

[jenyifer]

First completed Danmei Series award goes to The Scum Villian’s Self-Saving System

I’d say before the last chapter IE chapter 21 I’d say it’d be a good 8/10 and I was recommending it. However including 21 6/10 and 🌶️🤮

The sell before chap 21: Easy to read enjoyable extra characters and distinguishable personalities beyond the love interests. Shen Yuan is sent into his fav fanfic and he’s being forced to fix the plot by being the main Antagonist in this Half Demon Harem story. Very funny. Never boring. Really liked how easy it was to relate to Shen Yuan as an internet dweller who corrects things. I thought the romance from Shen’s direction was at a good pace. Luo Binghe is a stalker nasty crazy boy after my own heart. I read all three volumes in two days.

Honorable mention for Liu Qingge and the Snake boy You both deserved to be in the reverse harem Shen would have built if Luo Binghe was into sharing.

Okay let’s get into the details about what made me knock off two points and ruined my evening and perspective on the book

So I didn’t go in blind or anything. I’d looked it up. I knew it was problematic red flag stuff but nothing I hadn’t seen and dealt with before. YES, Shen Yuan is in D E N I A L 🚩Luo Binghe is obsessive crazy 🚩Shen Qingqiu is Luo Binghe’s teacher as a child so kind of Kakashi Sasuke vibes tbh 🚩 however chapter 21 introduces non-consensual things. I wasn’t expecting it. As someone who is sensitive to such things I was disturbed disappointed. So thought I’d mention that here. My friend said this is just how Danmei is… if it’s kissing or anything more it has to be under EXTREME circumstances and they both must have not enjoyed it. honestly if that’s true I’m not reading anymore. I don’t want to go down painful lane without warning ever again.

ALSO gotta knock a point off for Shen Yuan never being himself again. Or telling anyone what had happened. I mean I know he’s out of character out of character at the end but? Idk feels a little lacking in character feels. I mean HE DIED AND TOOK OVER SOME ELSES’ life who even though he was evil was still hypothetically a person.

[the-cockroach-that-survived]

I’m just gonna vent about the ridiculousness of being a MCYT stan rn, especially a DTeam (previously DTQK) main…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok but on a real note cause I do actually have stuff to say lol.

Aside from creator drama/controversy/etc. (content creators be normal challenge GO !! /silly /lh), which also stinks (RIP SBI, lovejoy, bench trio, DTQK, etc.) I’m just really tired of how this affects my personal relationships

ATP, I feel comfortable and confident in my own interests and opinions enough that I don’t really listen to the internet anymore, nor do I have any sorts of moral panics over watching these guys, and I don’t really think I should have to defend myself for liking them, but the unfortunate reality is that I do have to defend it, constantly.

It just really sucks

The DSMP in particular, both the lore and the creators, have been a special interest of mine for going on 4 years now, and the many many ways that it has impacted my life makes it so it’s really hard to be friends with anyone who has an even slightly negative opinion of it (even the totally fair ones)

I feel bad, because I very much have the standpoint that ruining friendships over fandoms is stupid and such arbitrary things shouldn’t be able to hold so much power, however unfortunately, being AuDHD, and being friends with mostly other AuDHD people, our interests are very important to us, and so is justice, so it’s not that easy.

I KNOW what I KNOW about these creators and I am confident and comfortable in that, but most of my friends don’t know all that, and when they know ANYTHING about these people, it’s almost always negative information.

I so badly want to correct them and debunk all the negative and false boohockey that gets spread around and give them reasons why these creators are good and why I like them because it would make me and our friendship more comfortable, but usually they’re so uncomfortable or at least suspicious and skeptical of these creators based on their preconceived notions that me TRYING to correct or explain things always gets shut down with “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” after just a couple points.

I’m happy and glad that most of my friends are mature and responsible enough that regardless of their opinions, they can respect my interest and not talk negatively about it to me and such, but it also sucks knowing that I can’t share so many huge parts of my life with them because of it, or at the very least I feel like I have to be vague or half lie in order to.

It’s not fun feeling like I’m walking on eggshells

All this over watching people play video games no less

It’s just frustrating and I never know if I should keep trying to explain things more so they can understand things and hopefully change their viewpoint, or if I should just let it go and accept I can’t talk about a lot of things with a lot of my friends.

I don’t like having friends that I can’t be that open with, friends who don’t get me.

Like, I can’t do completely casual relationships of any kind, it’s just not comfortable or fulfilling to me.

And as stupid as I think it sounds a lot of the time, I can’t change the fact that MCYT, especially the DSMP, is extremely important to me and has greatly impacted many parts of my life, so being friends with people who dislike it to pretty much any extent is hard and uncomfortable and it sucks.

I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable and I don’t want to lose important relationships over this kind of thing, but this stuff is ALSO extremely important to me, and I know in the long run it’s best to surround myself with people who understand that.

Idk, I’m just tired of having to defend and explain myself, I guess.

It’s literally just people playing video games

[jewishbarbies]

hello! I hope this question isn’t overstepping, but feel free to delete this if so! I just wanted to know if there’s anything I can really do to help Jewish people at this time? The way I phrased that sounds really weird and bad lol sorry, but idk how else to say it. I’m gonna be honest with you, I actually know almost next to nothing about Jewish people (culture, religion and stuff) outside of what I was taught when I was an evangelical Christian (grew up religious, I’m not anymore) and you… probably don’t wanna hear what evangelical Christians teach people about Jewish people and culture, so I’ll just say that it’s very… unsavoury and weird and sort of fetish-ey. But you probably knew that already. Anyway, what I mean is that since October 7th, there’s been a huge rise of antisemitism globally, mostly by the youth, people around my age (I’m 18) being indoctrinated by media and directing their hatred and anger towards those who do not deserve it and refusing to fight or vote for the rights that we Americans might lose if trump is elected again. I wanna help stop or curb the antisemitism spread, but I’m kind of unsure how I can help. Obviously I’m aware that as a goyim, I definitely cannot, should not (and will not) speak for Jewish people as I don’t know the Jewish experience. I’m also aware that while the Israeli government is kind of wilding out right now, the government is not the representative of all the citizens of Israel and that when criticising Israel (the state) we must not generalise a whole population of people. Thank you!

this is a great question to ask! I don’t feel like it’s overstepping at all.

I’m not sure what more can be done to stop the spread of antisemitism beyond calling it out when you see it either from friends, family, or figures and orgs, and not participating in it yourself. you can, however, help jewish people while this is happening. you can reach out to local synagogues and see if they need any volunteers to help walk jews to and from their cars for security (if you’re able/willing), contact local jewish organizations and see if they need any volunteers or donations, and just see what kind of community action you can do in your area. if you can do so monetarily, you can support gofundme’s and orgs combating antisemitism on a larger scale like Stop Jewish Hate, or you can support them just by sharing their posts on your socials. museums are being targeted right now for having any jewish related exhibits, such as the Holocaust Museum and members of the Brooklyn Museum were just attacked, both establishments could use donations and advocacy.

jewitches.com has resources to learn about antisemitism if you’d like to be further educated on the topic so you know what you’re seeing when you see it, as well as help you call it out when you come across it online or in real life.

if anyone else has more resources for learning or combating antisemitism, please add and I’ll reblog!

[mothman-can-write]

hi !!! i saw u said you were open for prompts, i mean this is kinda less of a prompt really, but like i loved that blackhill mission transcript thing you did a while ago and would be really cool to see some more stuff in the same vein ig ! but also maybe something like a kinda blackhill first meeting kinda thing idk !! i just love your work tho ! you really have the ability to make me feel all the emotions

OOOOO i just thought of this whilst writing this but maybe something like with clint teasing nat ab having like feelings for maria or something ?? idk i just love ur writing ! sorry these are kinda shitty hahah

NGL I took this prompt and mangled it in my hands. I heard first meeting and my brain was immediately like well that could go seventeen thousand different ways, so I sorta mashed in Clint's teasing to go along with it and made it a little more suggestive than outright shippy. Realistically, I think if Natasha is only meeting Maria for the first time, she's probably still in a place where she's not totally open to such self indulgent things as having a crush

Also, this isn't a mission transcript but I'd love to do more of them that one was really fun! I just don't really have any good ideas for the sort of things they'd have to talk about in the field besides dying haha

ANYWAY enough rambling, though you're all familiar with my inability to shut up these days. ~3k under the cut of Clint being a ballache and nat being sceptical but gay

The only person that doesn’t treat Natasha like she’s a project – or a live wire –  is Clint. He’d had his fair share of looking at her with those careful eyes, something behind them that made her teeth itch in her gums like some trained dog. He doesn’t do that so much anymore, not unless she’s in a particular state and doing a very bad job at hiding it. She likes him, she thinks. He might be one of the first people in her entire life that she can truly say she likes. 

Naturally, she finds herself in his quarters more often than her own. She lays on his bed as he works on something probably explosive enough to kill them both if he sneezes, and she ignores the pip of her emails as she braids a small strip of hair under her ear. She’s bored, if she’s honest, but she doesn’t want to waste her first free morning of the past fortnight on something so trivial as emails. Or helping Clint. 

“You not gonna answer her?” he says without looking up from his work. He holds it close to his face, something far too small in his tweezers. 

Natasha’s fingers pause in untangling her braid. “How do you know who it is?” 

He still doesn’t turn in his seat, matter of fact when he speaks. “You have a different tone for Hill.” 

“How did you figure that out?” She tries not to scowl at him, but she still isn’t used to feeling so see-through. Quite frankly, she’d like to be as opaque as possible, but she seems to have grown rather attached to someone with x-ray vision. 

Clint puts his miniature contraption down and turns to her at last. She’s not fond of the smile on his face as he leans over the back of his chair. “You’re not the only spy on the ship. Also, you weren’t trying very hard to hide it.” 

“Her emails are usually more important,” Natasha argues, not quite sure why she feels the need to defend herself on it. 

Clint grins ever wider. “I never asked why. I just thought you had a massive crush on her.” 

Natasha scowls fully this time. “I’ve never met her.” 

He shrugs. “I don’t know what’s in those emails.” 

“Shut up.” 

She reaches for her phone anyway and pointedly ignores the way Clint watches her. The email is much the same as they always are, telling her about meetings and progress and such. She’s overtly professional in every one, but now that she’s thinking about it, Natasha likes the words she uses – just slightly like she enjoyed reading dictionaries as a child. Very, very rarely, Maria will let something slip in her emails that is almost like humour, and Natasha doesn’t tell Clint that she actually does enjoy receiving emails from her just for the fact that she feels a little special when that happens. She’s heard the rumours; she knows not to expect giggles and grins when it comes to the Assistant Director. 

In the end, she doesn’t bother to respond to the email anyway and Clint has already turned back to his work. “Not in the mood to sext her back?” 

She scowls at the back of his head. “It sounds like Laura needs to watch her back.” 

“Oh, god,” he laughs. “Gross. Absolutely not. Not my type.” 

“What makes you think she’s mine?” 

“You need someone to match your weirdness.” 

Natasha wishes she had something to throw at him. She won’t admit that she intrigues her in small ways. She doubts she’s any different from every other CEO and government lead in the world, but some small part of her feels thankful to her faceless emails. She could’ve easily overridden Clint’s choice, could’ve had her put down before she could even think to beg for forgiveness. But she’d given her a chance, and she’d kept in contact despite her supposed overbooked schedule every day since. Maria held her life in her hands at one point, and she’d given her another shot at it. 

Despite everything, Natasha still doesn’t sleep well. Or, rather, because of everything, she supposes. One good month doesn’t erase a lifetime of bad – and she’s really a little hesitant to say that this month has even been good in many senses of the word. She wonders if the nights will ever get easier on her with time, or if she’s stuck with these hours of restlessness and sweat for the rest of her life. It’s not a nice thing to think about, and it doesn’t really do all that much to distract her from the shadows that still play behind her eyelids or the way the shapes of the room still seem to swim around the edges. So, she swings her legs over the side of her bed and scrubs at her face with her hands. She can appreciate, at the very least, that she isn’t handcuffed to her bed here. Somehow, that had been a hard thing to get used to. She still sleeps with one arm by the headboard. 

There aren't many things to do at this hour. Clint has told her countless times that she’s perfectly welcome to pester him at any time of the night if it would make her feel even minutely better. He says he understands, and she believes him enough from the way his past lines his own face, but it doesn’t make it any easier to put into practice. 

She doesn’t have a plan as she steps out into the corridors. She dresses like she’s going to the gym on the off chance that she might be able to sneak into it and punch something until she’s sweaty for reasons more tangible. She wishes the firing range was usable at this hour, but she’s sure that’s much less subtle. Still, there are some nightmares you can only really feel better by shooting at. Maybe she’ll bat her eyelashes into an hour or so at the targets tomorrow. 

She passes the odd agent as she trails around the corridors and considers that the ship never really sleeps entirely. There’s always someone on the night shift, always someone pottering around with something. She thinks it would be nice to work when it’s so quiet. Maybe she should ask about changing her hours. It might be a little soon. 

The gym isn’t so far from her quarters, and by the time she reaches it her shirt still feels sticky at her back and her stomach still feels like it’s alive in her ribcage. Her hopes are low enough to limbo as she presses her hand to the door, and she could almost sigh with relief when the door opens easily. She’s not against breaking in, but she likes to think she’s been doing a pretty good job of building a better reputation lately. Maybe not socially, but Maria’s emails haven’t managed to sound short lately – not since the last time she’d bypassed what she maintains was a criminally simple encryption on one of Clint’s jobs. 

The gym is utterly silent at this time of the morning, which is entirely unsurprising. She doubts anyone else sensible gets out of bed for another hour or two, let alone starts their training regime. Generally, agents are allowed the privilege of breakfast before they’re worked to the bone. Natasha’s never been a fan of food so early in the morning. 

She doesn’t really know when she fell out of the habit of scanning each room on this ship like someone will be waiting to haul her out of it, and she blames it firmly on her lack of sleep and nightmare slurred thoughts when she doesn’t notice the other body in the gym until it’s too late. 

“I did wonder,” someone says, and Natasha’s attention snaps to one of the benches on the far side, half covered from the entrance. 

It takes Natasha an almost embarrassingly drawn out moment to place her features, and she’s sure she only half succeeds in hiding her surprise into an intrigued eyebrow. The Assistant Director didn’t really strike her as the type to be in the gym when everyone is supposed to be sleeping. 

“Wonder what?” she asks instead of every other question that gnaws at her head. She stays firmly planted in the middle of the room. 

“Who would come in at this time.” 

Oh. She’s not wondering about Natasha. She doesn’t really know what that feels a mote disappointing. She hates it when Clint asks how she’s sleeping. Maybe she just doesn’t like lying to him. 

“I thought it would be empty.” 

Maria places her water bottle beside her on the bench and makes absolutely no move to stand up yet. Somehow, Natasha finds it unnerving, even if she’s taller here. “It usually is,” she says simply. 

Her eyes bore into her in a way that makes the back of her neck crawl. Something about her says that she’s calculating, that she’s looking at Natasha and breaking her down into little bite sized pieces. Natasha has never liked being dissected. Maria’s eyes are very blue. 

“Do you usually spend your mornings here?” she asks, if only to stop Maria from burning holes into her skull and reading her thoughts directly. 

It works, in the way that her gaze flicks away for the briefest moment before pinning her again in that same cool tone. “I guess you could call this morning.” 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” 

Maria’s eyes soften ever so slightly around the corners, and Natasha would almost call it a squint. “I’ve made a bit of a habit at this point, yes.”

She almost seems reluctant to admit it, and Natasha can’t help the way she wants to pick this woman apart. She has always liked puzzles, and people are just some of the more complex the world has to offer. She thinks she understands the rumours a little more now, even through this uncanny meeting. She wonders if Maria feels her own searching gaze as intently. 

Maria stands at last, and Natasha had almost forgotten how tall she is. She thinks she preferred it when she was sitting. “Don’t let me stop you,” she says, and Natasha is silently thankful for the way that answers her question. Again, not that she wouldn’t break the rules. It’s just much harder to make an excuse when the Assistant Director is the one who catches you. 

“I would’ve expected the AD to send me back to my quarters,” she notes, as forward as ever when it gets her information. She’ll admit this woman seems to be intriguing. She’s curious as to just why she’s indulging her so far. 

Maria’s expressions are all very small, mere suggestions of emotions that only make Natasha want to pick her apart. “That would make me more of a hypocrite than I already am,” she says simply, almost smiling. “Are you getting on okay?” she asks instead , and her eyes are on her like she’s deciphering her again. She’s closer now, making direct eye contact, and Natasha holds it like a game. “Besides the obvious, of course.” 

Natasha tries not to scowl. God, does she hate when people pretend like they know her. “What’s the obvious?” 

Maria raises one eyebrow ever so slightly, her expression caught somewhere to amusement. “Did the Red Room have you in the routine of training at four in the morning?” 

“Sometimes.” They both know that’s not the reason that she’s here, as much as Natasha wishes Maria didn’t. 

Her eyes are almost soft. Almost like she truly cares about her. Natasha doesn’t like to let herself believe the sort of things that might cost her later. “Half of the people on this ship struggle with it, Romanoff,” she says, nearly gentle in the silence around them. “You don’t have to be ashamed of it.” 

She can almost imagine her setting a heavy hand on her shoulder as she says it, though Maria remains in her own space. She’s still slightly too close for what Natasha is used to however, and it’s the first time she realises the darkness under her eyes. Her face is lined, something bone deep that she doubts ever goes away. It lends her a certain sort of…imperfection that makes her seem a whole lot more human. For everything she’s heard, though she knows to take gossip with a healthy grain of salt, she could almost imagine Hill to be some sort of robot, some living excel sheet. 

Standing in front of her, she sort of just looks like a woman who could do with some sleep. She looks like a woman who has spent the last who-knows-how-many hours beating out her own past the same way Natasha intends to. She won’t call it affection. It doesn’t mean Natasha likes the way she looks straight through her any more. 

“You have any tips?” she says, aiming for something playful. She really, really just wants her to stop looking at her like she can figure her out right here in the middle of the room. Maybe if she seems better than she is, she’ll leave her alone. She’d rather her conduct a genuine vivisection out on the boxing ring floor if she’s going to continue to examine her. 

She’s certain Maria almost smiles at that, a tug at the corner of her lips that is almost sad, almost conspirational. She shrugs ever so slightly. “Shooting things usually helps.” 

Natasha tries not to scowl like a child. As if she wouldn’t be there right now if she could get away with it. “I’m on supervised arms training.” 

This time, Maria does smile, though Natasha thinks she’d have missed it if she blinked. “Not from tomorrow,” she says plainly, and Natasha can only watch her walk away without another word. 

The door closes behind her, and Natasha lets herself furrow her eyebrows as deeply as she likes. She is overtly aware that she is not being let off of supervised training tomorrow. She’s aware that she has been seen as a weapon and an explosive since the moment Clint forgot that he was meant to shoot her. Somehow, she doesn’t think that Maria is one to tease. 

It makes it very hard to punch things as effectively as she’d like to when she can only think after Maria. She wonders what keeps her up at night. She wonders what else she does to get rid of the shadows. She wonders why on earth she would let her off of the hook so early. For all they know, Natasha might decide to defect back. She might’ve been biding her time until she could get a hand on one of those guns outside of the range. She’d never even dream of it, of course. She’d rather be supervised for every split second a gun is in her hands for the rest of her life than have to go back to her life before. She wonders just how deep Maria managed to dig. She wonders if she really is all that transparent after all. 

She finds herself in Clint’s quarters again as thoughtlessly as breathing. Every spare minute in her schedule that lines up with his, she’ll spend hiding from the rest of the world. This time, she’s sitting in his chair, her knees resting against the edge of his desk so that she can spin it slightly from side to side. Clint is behind her in his bunk, his arms tucked up behind his head and his eyes closed. It’s only 2pm. Natasha wishes she could have a nap too. 

“Is she always like that?” she says on a whim, her thoughts still stuck on tired eyes and snap decisions. 

“Like what?” Clint asks, completely brushing over her lack of context. 

“So…intense.” 

“Ah, we’re back on Hill. Yes.” He falls silent again, and Natasha listens to his breath. “Hold on.” His eyes open and his head turns on his pillow to face her. “Did you meet her? When?” 

“This morning.” 

“You were at the range this morning.” 

“Before that.”

“You were asleep before that.” She doesn’t answer, and that tells him everything in as little effort as possible. “Natasha.” 

She doesn’t meet his eye. “It’s better than moping.” 

“You don’t need to mope. You can come wake me up.” 

“But then you don’t sleep.” 

“Tasha, do you really think I’m sleeping well either half the time?” 

She stays silent again, staring intently at the dimples Clint’s chair has made in the carpet. 

“How did you even find her?” he asks eventually, giving up the argument for the countless time. “She’s practically booked to the minute.” 

“She was in the gym when I got there.” 

“I’m going to skip over the fact that you���d rather punch something until you bleed than come and bug me. Was it worth it? Was she all sweaty and hot? Did you two finally canoodle in person?” 

She doesn’t dignify his jokes with a response, her thoughts plain in her expression. “I don’t think she sleeps well either. She looked tired.” 

Clint grins a little. “You paying attention to her face?”

Natasha scowls at him. “It’s normal to look someone in the eye.” 

“Mhm…” He retucks his arms under his head, settling back against his pillow. “It’s for sure normal to think about them all morning.” 

“She took me off of probation,” she says, almost in a rush, like maybe this will change the subject – maybe a little bit like she’s admitting something. 

“Oh you definitely have a crush on her. It’s like she’s trying to get in your pants. Remind me never to read your emails.” 

Natasha only squints at him, wishing once again that she had something appropriate to throw. The urge distracts her enough that she never does reject the notion. And when she finds herself imagining Maria’s secret little smile in those few and far casual emails, she decides that Clint doesn’t need to know. She’s not been given many chances in her life, and she thinks she could make space in her life for two instead of one. She wonders if Maria would ever want a gym buddy on long nights and promptly decides not to think any deeper into it. 

[vent-channel]

I hate being autistic I’m not gonna lie.

Today it was leavers. I only go into school for exams and I can’t handle assembly halls so I wasn’t there. My friends were though. And they sent plenty of pictures on the group chat of them in the fields after shirt signing, and them in the park after school.

Why can’t I be fucking happy like that? Why don’t I get to do a normal school life? Why don’t I get to do leavers assembly and shirt signing? And it’s not as simple as just going in even though I hate it. At first I was happy I never had to go back to it, but I’m becoming disconnected from my friends. I’m lonely. And I feel like I’m missing out. I always feel like I’m missing out.

Am I jealous? I feel a bit like a bad person complaining about my friends happiness. It seems like they don’t even miss me. I missed them, when they were not at school.

I got therapy and an autism diagnosis and basically got told my life will fucking suck forever but it’s fineeee because I can learn to manage it.

I’m missing school and my parents can’t just tell me to get over it and go because I need an education because I will sit in the toilets and cut myself until I feel dizzy and call them to pick me up. Whenever I go to that place I feel sick. I feel like anybody would jump me if I’m not cautious enough. They probably would, if there were not consequences, most people there have a disgusting moral compass.

I wish I was still suicidal? Can someone give me less fucking reasons to live because I have far too many. I hate that I’m technically getting better because I’m getting worse. Now the damage is irreversible and irreparable but at least I’m recovering, right?

I’m so lonely. Whenever my friends even look at me and wave I get so happy I internally shut down so I can’t return the enthusiasm. I’ve realised though that I’ll always be the ones following them around. They won’t walk to catch up to me, they won’t invite me to conversation. I don’t know if it’s my own insecurities but it really really feels like they don’t want me there or don’t realise I am there. I feel like a pity friend, I’m only there because I’m nicer than the rest of the school population but I’m nowhere near as cool and confident as the rest of them.

I can’t handle it. I’m naturally self-centred. I often switch between feeling like the best person and the whole conversation should revolve around me to feeling like everyone hates me probably because I’m so selfish and ugly and naturally disgusting. My expressions don’t fit on my face, I’m constantly depressed. I don’t even share many interests with them anymore.

I was at a local comic con a few weeks ago. I met up with my ‘con friends’ who I rarely see. I only stayed for a while because of my fucking autism again I’m missing out, but they seemed so sad when I left. One of them made a TikTok with me in it. We took a photo together. And when they were sad I left I wanted to cry because that’s so kind. They wanted me around? Me?

I’m going to a birthday party for one of my main friends on Saturday. He asked me if I was coming so I did because of course I want to be there. But does he even fucking want me there? I said I’d invite them over in the summer, do they even want to come? My other friend says he’ll sign my shirt if I come in tomorrow lunch, but I’m so depressed I’m not even sure I want to go. Now all I want to do is lie in bed and fucking eat gross shit and other stuff.

This has sent me into a super bad mood and idk what to do. Lowkey wanna relapse but it’s not gonna happen.

I’m so lonely. All my bonds are fading away. I’m so so so lonely.

I’m sick of fucking sitting in my bed, but it’s my favourite thing to do.

All this just because my friends took some pictures looking happy. I’m fighting the urge to just leave the group chat. I can’t let these stupid insecurities and instability show itself to others. I never tell anyone irl these things. Not even my therapist will hear about this. I’m ashamed and I fucking hate having and talking about my feelings.

Love y’all enjoy this bs lol x

[plumadot]

The other day you were talking about how you wanted to incorporate Mean Gills at some point so that got me thinking about how the story could progress and have the teams of the other series.

(If you’ve already thought about this or don’t like the idea absolutely no problem, this is your AU and your opinions come first! I just had these thoughts so I thought I’d share)

WARNING LIGHT ANGST BUT I TRY TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER

Before the big battle between our main crew and Dogwarts (which I’m assuming happens?) somehow or other Scott and Jimmy get into an argument (I’m under the assumption also that they are together at this point). Then they do the battle against Ren and Martyn and stuff. Uhhmmmm and then Scar dies somehow. IM SORRY DONT GET MAD AT ME HES MY BELOVED TOO BUT JUST HEAR ME OUT! Scar dies, maybe Grian’s fault because of the warlock pew pew. And Scott is still so upset with Jimmy, he decided he just can’t travel with the party anymore. So *Scott has left your party*

Now it’s just Jimmy and Grian, couple of Sad BoysTM. But, they end up meeting Mumbo and Impulse (and maybe making nice with Martyn? Idk how that would work so maybe not) and they form the Southlanders!

MEANWHILE there’s a possibility that Rendog also died during that last battle (perhaps at Scars hand like in canon) (that would also explain why Martyn isn’t with Ren anymore). For sea queen reasons, Lizzie resurrects Ren and he like, pledges his allegiance to her (that’s what happened in Last Life right?). And just to prove to his wife that he can totally resurrect people (she was teasing him) Joel also resurrects some guy whose body was conveniently close to Ren’s body. Aha! He resurrects Scar! My bard is back!!!

Then I had some half baked ideas about the Southlanders returning to the Crastle Tavern, in which Impulse is reunited with his old friend Skizzleman, and Skizz introduces his friend Tango (Jimmy is enamored quite quickly). Scar has also returned to the Crastle because Cleo and Bdubs are his only other friends and you can imagine the SHOCK Grian has at seeing his previously thought dead friend/partner/employee/maybe lover just up on stage perfectly fine.

Oh and while this is all happening Scott has been pals with Pearl.

Another idea I had was Etho owns a decently sized sailing ship, but he’s not a huge sailor or anything. Joel is a sailor on some kind of mission and he’s hired a crew, so he needs a boat. Etho supplies said boat. Joel’s crew is like, all the Southlanders (Aha! 🔭🏴‍☠️) and Scar, and probably Bdubs… Que hilarious shenanigans as Joel tries to be the awesome captain and call all the shots and Etho keeps undermining him because it’s technically his boat.

*gasping for breath* I’m sorry I got so carried away. I hope most of this is coherent and that you enjoyed imaging my ideas! Once again DO NOT feel like you have to incorporate ANY of this. This is your AU so you decide what happens! This is just me theorizing what could happen next 😊

(Sorry I did not get to anything about the Mean Gills, my phone is about to go off)

Love anon 🍕

my GOSH your brain is huge jgfdkjgkfjd this is so elaborate it makes my head spin /pos

i never really planned for the au to span across like. multiple life series seasons. and it's insane that you're somehow making that work???? gfkdjkgjfdkg i just!!! i just wanna say it's really cool!!! i probably won't incorporate it in the (admittedly, way simpler) story that i have so far, but it's. it's so cool gkfdjgk

JIMMY AND SCOTT FALLING OUT DOES MAKE ME SAD THOUGH FGKDJGKJFDG /hj

also in the - sort of - story i have in mind, scar does get resurrected at some point hehe kgjfdkgjfd

gfjdkgd please don't apologize for getting carried away i really enjoyed reading your ideas :O !!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 thank you!!!

[boymeetsweevil]

i think i sent an ask yearsss ago about how for science was my fav jungkook fic….i just reread it after years and years and wow seeing that line about it being 2018 hit me hard.. i don’t really read fanfic anymore but every time i scroll thru my following list now it all says active 5+ years ago…thanks for writing that fic again i miss nerdy kook sm missing the good old days

i would love a life update from u if ur comfortable sharing!

Thank you so much for this message! It makes me so happy that people want to return to stuff. And it makes my heart ache a little because yeah, same, I don’t really read fanfic anymore either. But I do still like writing/reading fiction (especially romance 😤 ) and I really do want to do it again but maybe without fandom. I feel like it can put a restrictive kind of pressure on you that can make it tough to do long term. Not to dismiss fandom—it’s an opportunity to connect to other people and get your work circulated way easier on here :/

In terms of a life update, I’ve been trying to work and save as much as I can because I’ve had to take care of my parents in the last few years. It was hard but I think it’s going to pay off soon. And maybe I’ll be able to turn back to writing for fun! If I can create a new writing account, I think I’ll post it here for any people that might be curious and probably move all my stuff to AO3. I don’t want to get rid of the stuff, but Idk when I would write for bts again tbh.

Hope youre doing well anon :) thanks again for the message

[my-castles-crumbling]

Swiftie Anon

Hi guys! I got an ask from an anon that might be triggering so I'm copy-pasting it here so I can put a 'read more' button. I'm naming them Swiftie Anon because they said Taylor really helped them.

TW: SH, SI

Hi Cas, hope you’re ok, because I sure as hell am not. Trigger warning, like mentions of self harm and stuff like that I think.

I’m a seventh grader and recently I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than I usually do. During the pandemic I was in 3rd grade and I kinda realized how much life sucked, but when I went back to school in 5th grade, I realized that this hadn’t occurred to anyone else. I kind of brushed it off bc I’ve always been sort of a pessimist but then I sixth grade I started having suicidal thoughts, I think. I just felt really done with everything, I didn’t want to draw or read or write, and my parents were pissed all the time, it felt like my friends were bored of me (I have abandonment issues from all my friends in elementary school leaving me) (I think)and I thought it would just be easier to not exist anymore, it wasn’t that good. I discovered Taylor, the angel that she is, she just felt…like a friend, like she was right there, you know, and I’ve been mostly okay-ish since. But school fucking sucks and in 7th grade I had to do a presentation in front of my class and I started crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t even stand up. I think I have anxiety idk. I’ve always been shy, and I’ve hyperventilated before when my parents were yelling at me about stuff and my arms started bleeding because I was digging my nails into them. My parents found out at conferences and I got grounded. my brother knows bc he walked in on me crying and hyperventilating once but he’s leaving for college next year and idk how the fuck I’ll stay together without him. My younger sister and I are really close, but I don’t want to drag her in onto this stuff. And ik once I get to high school it’ll be even worse bc high school sounds horrible and I might be all alone again bc I might not go to the same high school as my friends

I haven’t said a word about this to anyone voluntarily and I know I can’t tell my parents. I always lie on those surveys you get at the doctor, and my parents are always saying I should have a more positive outlook on life and try to be happier and it makes me so pissed bc I am trying as hard as I can to be happening but nothing fucking works.

idk what do with myself anymore, a teacher mentioned college today and I almost broke down sobbing bc I don’t think I’ll let myself live that long. It’s just…really hard and everyday feels like years. Should I tell someone? I’m not as bad as I was in 6th grade, but I know I should be getting help somehow. But I suck at asking for things and I can’t trust any adults.

sorry for the rant, I just need some advice. And a virtual, pat on the head or something, idk.

---

Hi hon!

First, (with your permission), I'm like to give you a virtual hug, because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot <3

I'm gonna be really real with you right now: You need to ask for some help. You have a lot going on, and some really heavy feelings, and you don't deserve to be dealing with them at ALL, let alone by yourself.

You're young, and you have SO MUCH life left to enjoy, and suffering through it like this isn't fair. So I'm going to share something about myself with you, okay?

When I was younger, I was very depressed. I was in a bad relationship and I felt very trapped, and I got to a point similar to you.

One day, I got so overwhelmed that I sort of realized that I either needed to ask for help or I would end up making a really bad decision. So, I asked for help.

Again, I'm going to be real: It was SUPER scary. I had to see a lot of doctors and I cried a lot. But after a lot of work, I was able to get better, and now, years later, I am in a (different) healthy relationship, and I have a job and a pet, and I'm here talking to you.

I know this sounds stupid because it's like some feel-good story and right now I'm sure you feel less than great. But I say this because you NEED to ask for help, even if it is difficult. Because there are real things past this feeling. A future job, a future relationship (if you want), a future pet, future kids (if you want). They're all very real and achievable and this feeling is temporary, even thought it feels so permanent right now.

So I'm going to give you some options, since it seems like you don't want to talk to your parents:

Talk to a doctor. Doctors are trained to help you, and they have a lot of resources.

Talk to a trusted teacher. Teachers can sometimes be amazing resources as well, and a lot of them want to listen when you ask to talk.

Talk to a different adult (aunt, uncle, coach, someone!) that you feel close to that will help.

Call/text/message a hotline. Here is an example of a hotline you can talk to via messaging, text, or phone, depending on what you prefer.

But you need to ask for help, because you DESERVE to be happy and living your best life.

It would make me super happy if you message/inboxed me an update, whether you're doing better, worse, or the same! I'm so proud of you for reaching out and I'm cheering you on!

[horsetailcurlers2]

back again with my obnoxiously long stream of thoughts while watching greys anatomy for the first time (SEASON 17 bc the show is going downhill but i’ve invested way too much time to give up now)

-i really don’t like watching the covid seasons of tv shows. it just makes me depressed

-i have been getting to the point where idk if the show is worth watching anymore, but i’m going to stick it out and also cut this season some slack

-i like the flashback thing. maybe this is dumb but i’m wondering if some of that was footage they already had before covid happened and they found a way to repurpose it??

-“i’m not okay with you dying, owen” very unrelatable, teddy

-at the risk of sounding like i care for owen hunts well-being, i am BEGGING for him to just be single for once in his life. figure your shit out without having to have a new wife every five minutes. i thought he’d make progress with that therapy thing but at the end of it he was just like “figuring out the root of my trauma made me realize i DO love teddy :D”

-DEREK??????

-i know she’s not dead but this also isn’t the same limbo from the drowning incident so i’m confused

-so are we saying that heaven is canon in the greys anatomy universe??????

-owen has every right to be pissed at teddy, but it sounds like he’s forgetting he also cheated on his first wife lol. not that that makes it okay, i just mean that some of the things he’s saying are beyond hypocritical

-i am the worst person in the world for shitting on a child actor like this but the little girl that plays zola sucks at fake crying

-NO NOT DELUCA

-a death has not upset me this much on this show since mark and lexie

-part of the difference in the writing that i was talking about with the last few seasons is that i feel like they aren’t letting us draw our own conclusions about how we’re supposed to feel about things anymore. like they’re telling us through dialogue exactly what we’re supposed to think and feel about every situation and it’s kind of annoying. or it’s spelling out exactly what each character is feeling all the time instead of showing us. the dialogue is just sort of forced and clunky and after-school-special-y

-i like that there’s been more of a focus on teddy. other than the henry storyline, she’s sort been a bit unexplored until recently

-damn teddy’s life really has just been rife with tragedy

-tell him amelia !! get his ass

-is teddmelia a ship??? i kind of want it to happen

-lexie and deluca would’ve gotten along like a house on fire :(

-the beach is beautiful and the scenes are great but i DO NOT need to be seeing derek’s bare feet and ankles so much

-“i just really need to be crying right now” amelia is so real

-this season is the most upsetting to me i think because it’s the most real. i think that’s why i don’t like covid seasons of shows. other seasons might draw inspo from real world events but in 2020 there was no way to write a show without talking about all the awful tragedy going on so even if they try to infuse hope into all the bleakness there’s no escapism. which i’m not saying is a bad thing at all. like it would’ve been worse to just write the storylines as if nothing was happening in the real world.

-baileys immediate reaction to the guy who thinks covid is fake being to go to the stairwell and just yell “WHAT? WHAT?!” is so real

-i like the idea of jo switching to OB but i think it’s a little ignorant and naive to say it’s because it’s “happier” than surgery. like realistically it’s bc she likes the idea of bringing babies into the world bc she’s been unpacking the way she came into the world and stuff. but saying it’s happier just feels like a way of saying “easier” and i thought we were past the weird elitist attitude a lot of the characters had towards obstetrics and gynecology in the early seasons.

-i’m happy for tom with his activism and his hospital shares

-a semi public proposal and using the kids to pressure her (inadvertently?) does not seem like amelia’s style even if she hadn’t been questioning whether or not she wanted to get married.

-overall a good chunk of this season was alternately too bleak or too boring. i wish we got to know winston a bit more. everyone felt just slightly off kilter. giving it a pass bc covid season. hopefully the next season (and my possible reaction/commentary??? if it’s worth reacting to) will be better