#i dont understand it and its embarrassing having to google what it means

[trashabilly]

17 vs 27 😬

(he/him)

[anotherpapercut]

trying to teach other people in their 20s that it actually is essential to learn about the political climate of the 70s-00s to understand our current political climate is like worse than pulling teeth

[serejae]

SO STUPID IN LOVE | M.JH

a lonely jaehyun meets you, ask you to marry him because hes just so stupid (in love)

-

“im gonna smack that pout off your face” sungho scoffed as jaehyun slumped against the sticky diner booth. “are you seriously bullying a sad man?” he replied

“no im bullying a loser, its been a year. you really need to get over her, she dumped you and wasnt good for you. i just dont get why youre so stuck on her”

jaehyun huffed again and rested his head in his hands “she was just different, i imagined my life with her…i was ready to marry her sungho, i dont know what i did”

his friend leaned back in his seat taking in the sight and sighed “lets find you someone, youre never gonna find someone if you keep moping around like this”

“but who-“

“are you guys ready to order?”

the two men looked up at you and jaehyuns mouth opened a bit before he closed it and sat up fixing his posture, sungho looked over at jaehyun and raised his eyebrow before ordering leaving jaehyun to order next

“i…uhm, can i get more time?”

you smiled and nodded before walking away to get their waters

“would you call me crazy if i asked them to marry me?” he whispered leaning close to sungho

sungho spitted out his drink all over jaehyuns face making him shriek

“dude what the fuck” jaehyun screamed while standing up

the diner went silent making him look around

“sorry…”

you ran over to the table and saw the water all over the table as well as a wet jaehyun

“oh my gosh are you both okay? do you need anything?” you said looking around clearly panicked

“marry me, will you marry me?” jaehyun asked while staring at you making the diner gasp

“excuse me?” you tilted your head slightly smiling at the situation, a man covered in water was asking you to marry him

“i know its random but do you have a partner?” he asked grinning at you

you shook your head no before looking down at your watch

“i get off now…if you wanna get married”

jaehyuns smile grew bigger as he took your hand and walked out the diner with you as sungho yelled for jaehyun as he expected him to pay the bill

you both walked as you talked about your hopes and dreams, and as you spoke jaehyun turned to look at you as you continued to walk. dont get him wrong, he was listening, just very slowly. your words seem to come out slower, something about you made his heart rate slow down yet quicken. without a thought he reached to hold your hand, he still looked at you

you looked down at his hand with furrowed brows making jaehyun let go in fear you were uncomfortable

“no, no!” you laughed understanding why he let go

“your hands are just pretty sweaty”

he looked at his hands and saw how sweaty they were, he chuckled softly with a hint of blush on his face from embarrassment

“can i ask you something though?” you said quietly in the empty city, jaehyun thought this was so romantic, just you two in a beautiful city

“yes” he started

“yes, i want to kiss you” he smiled at you

“oh. i was just asking where are we…?”

jaehyun shook his head quickly bringing himself back onto earth. he looked around and saw the unfamiliar sight. you two have been walking for so long unbothered by your surroundings that you now dont know where or what your surrounded by

realizing how much he fucked up he groaned and let out quick apologies as he pulls out his phone to try and find a solution. hes met with your laughter that makes him turn to you

“we can just use google maps and walk, you can drop me off at my house”

he nodded immediately still feeling guilty

noticing his expression, you held his still sweaty hand and smiled at him. “i had a great day today with you. it was unexpected but i really enjoyed talking and getting to know you” he blushed again as his smile grew bigger. “you mean it?” you nodded as he let out a little giggle

-

you both continued to walk to your house but slowly

drip

drip

drip

shit it was raining.

like instinct, jaehyun took off the jacket he had as he put it over you two holding it with one hand, and not letting your hand go in the other. you both ran back to your place with a collection of laughter and banter

so when it ended and you both got to your door, jaehyun stared at you and you stared at him not wanting the night to end

you opened your mouth to speak but he opened his at the same time. you both closed your mouths to let the other speak but were not in a awkward situation

“i really wanna see you again”

“i really want to kiss you”

he immediately covered his mouth as his sentence was not as romantic as yours, but you were quicker. you moved his hand and held his face before leaning in to kiss him

and as quick as he covered his mouth, he kissed you back as he held your hand

maybe he wasn’t the only one stupid in love

“do you still wanna get married?”

[rookiesbookies]

mischievous COD ideas😈

Heavily pregnant reader knowing that her hubby doesn’t want to be rough in the slightest with her due to her pregnancy and refrains from punishing her, so she abuses that fully to be a brat

To my sweet sweet brat reader, Im sorry if this is not all you hoped as I am a resident good girl. The one time I was a brat I got degraded (“such a good bitch”) and cried. I hope I do a good job portraying the relationships, if I dont let me know and I will edit it or rewrite sections that dont fit. You also didn’t specify so imma write for my usual set of lovelies. (Im also added Krueger because I’ve recently fallen in love with him a lil bit and he kinda fits thi)

The boys with pregnant brat wife

Price

This man is too worried about helping you get your shoes on. “You’re pregnant, isn’t not being able to see your feet punishment enough?” He’s not going to do much other than pinching you. Whether it’s your ass or your arm, and they’re hard “i had to discipline Soap subtly and im a dad” pinches. He’ll also use pressure points. Give the back of your arm the good pinch and twist. He’s just trying not to take it personally.

Soap

He’s googled what positions he can put you in. He’s googled if its safe for the baby. He has googled what he can and cannot do. He has spoke with your doctors about it, as embarrassing as that phone call was. And for certain punishments, its a long game. Like holding your ice cream you crave hostage until you learn. If he can’t make it sexual, he’ll find other ways.

Ghost

Like Price, he’s also using pressure points. Not the ones that knock you out but the ones that feel weird or make you got “ow”. Cannot get hard and it’s not because you’re not hot its bc he literally gets more flaccid than a limp noodle at the thought of possibly hurting that baby. He’s also very good at holding grudges and every time you brat out and walk all over him, he’s making a note on his phone for later.

Konig

Oh but he just got you to whine and cry you admit you want his cock. He knew eventually he could wait out your little game. “You acted out and now you must wait until I want to give it to you. You ask so nicely though, keep trying. I like when you beg.” He’s so mean, he’d make you wait until after you gave birth and however many times you acted out is how many weeks (or months depending on how he’s feeling) after you have to wait to get any pleasure from him.

Keegan

your toys aren’t doing it for you anymore? Nope. He’ll keep fluttering his fingers over you figure and let you use that tiny dildo he got you that cant even stretch you like he can. That’s all you get. His hands wont even go lower than your waist. They wont even touch close to your nipples. This is real torture. Every orgasm is so unfulfilling. I feel bad for you really. Hope this teaches you.

Gaz

He’s a doormat anyway. I don’t see him punishing anyone. He’s too much of a gentleman. I do believe he’d pull orgasm after orgasm out of you casually when you act up with his hands. Never giving you his dick as much as you beg. Pleading, crying for it, he wont budge. No you can deal with the consequences of your actions while he sits here and watches this movie. “Why aren’t you watching, love? You picked the movie. No, no, stop your whining, just sit and watch.”

Krueger

Sebastian doesn’t care. He’ll find other ways. Like right now you’re legs spread and hands flat against the wall as he spanks your ass, every time he does you have to say thank you and apologize for snapping at him. He knows you’re hormonal, but he’s going to make you apologize. Oh and he’s kissing away those tears and asking you if you understand what you do wrong while running you a nice bath and all the rubs and lotion for your poor butt.

Masterlist is pinned on profile as always, don’t forget to leave me a comment or a request in my inbox to let me know what yall want to see!

[menalez]

You don't have to answer this obviously, its embarrassing but I feel like I don't know where else to ask - NSFW

I've always found penetration difficult. I feel like I'm broken as a woman because it feels like everyone around me is able to do it and enjoys it and I don't. I don't want to be graphic but I don't know what to do. I'm scared to go to a doctor in case they diagnose me with vaginismus. I don't know if I should even try to make it better or just leave it. I feel like I can't experience my body fully because I cant do this one thing. I know thats stupid but its what I think in my head. I can't use tampons, and sexual penetration is terrible. I can use my hand, but I can't feel anything. It just doesn't feel pleasurable and I can't go in very far. If I use a dildo, it hurts. Not every second, I go slow etc but I can't get much in. It feels painful at the side of my labia. No matter what direction or position it just hurts. I can almost feel a bone blocking it or something. I feel like I'm broken and a freak and I don't know what to do. I cant talk to my friends because they all talk about how they love penetration and I feel too ashamed of my situation. I'm scared I'll never be able to satisfy a partner even though I'm a lesbian because I see women on here and tiktok talking about strapons etc and I know it would hurt and be impossible to have sex like that. Even when I relax and am definitely ready to try penetration, it doesn't work. No matter what I do it always feels uncomfortable in some way. If it doesn't hurt, it feels like nothing. I'm afraid I do have vaginismus or something is really wrong with me. I've never allowed a partner to try. I've not had a long term relationship and I worry women will be really put off if penetration is something I can't partake in. Ive not had loads of dating experience so idk if this is even a reasonable worry to have. im so sorry this is all over the place. I totally understand if you cant answer. Ive tried googling stuff but i cant really find much.

sorry for taking a while to respond. first of all i dont see whats embarrassing about this?! you have not said anything here that i think is embarrassing.

i don't particularly enjoy penetration and ive come across MANYYYYY women who don't. particularly many lesbians. its ok if you don't enjoy penetration. it doesn't have to mean you have vaginismus either, although what you described might be that (potentially on top of you already naturally not being keen on penetration). that said, there is no shame in being diagnosed with vaginismus either. receiving such a diagnosis can help you understand your body better and if you do think you could potentially enjoy penetration then maybe a diagnosis would help open that door for you somehow. it might also end up that you don't have vaginismus. either way, there is no must or need in enjoying penetration. there's probably even straight women who don't like it! just because there's many women who do, does not mean there's something wrong with you for not enjoying it.

i don't use tampons either! im 26 and first time i tried to, i was 24 and ever since then ive used it maybe a grand total of 2-3 times? it feels uncomfortable and painful for me too. its ok, many women do not use tampons so you're really not missing out there. it isn't a requirement in female adulthood.

also penetration alone does not feel pleasureable to an even larger group of women! so once again, there is nothing abnormal about not feeling much when trying it on yourself and its not abnormal to not find it pleasurable. and i don't know how experienced you are sexually, but the other stuff you mentioned could also be because you're dealing with shame & fear & aren't aroused enough while trying penetration on yourself. and if your friends were to judge you for not enjoying penetration, then frankly they're the ones that are weird, not you!

and from my experience at least, women have not been put off by me saying i don't like certain things (like penetration) and prefer other acts. if you're not sexually compatible with a woman then that is fine, but no one can expect you to enjoy a particular sex act and then judge you when you don't.

i think before worrying yourself this much, you should first find a woman you are comfortable with and attracted to. you could tell her about your fears & insecurities before having sex-- it can help if you're going to engage with her sexually bc it takes off anxiety from you while also making her aware of how she should be mindful & gentle! if you end up trying things with penetration with her and it becomes clear to you that you simply do not like it or like it with certain limits & restrictions or love it or whatever else-- all of that is normal. but don't worry yourself this much over something so small & a normal preference like not liking penetration, its really not abnormal to not enjoy it. if you're sexually inexperienced and have barely even dated then i get why you're worrying yourself so much but i promise when you're sexually active then normal people do not care about that the way you might think they do. penetration isnt for everyone, it doesn't have to be something you want or enjoy either

[internetgremlin-writes]

FLAT SPIN CHAP 5 SPOILERS!!

OH MY GOD IGGY THAT CHAPTER WAS ABSOLYTELY PERFECT!!!!

The way he asked her to come to Barcelona… SO carlos of him I wanted to cry… AND THE WAY HE METICULOUSLY PLANNED EVERYTHING? I am sorry if you dont like / dont care about zodiacs BUT THE VIRGO ENERGY IN HIM JUMPED OUT, and I respect it soooo much. Everything he planned was so /him/, but also so so perfect for MC — the little gestures? Ordering for her? Translating everything for her? POSTING HER ON HIS STORY? God i literally melted

AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON HIM COOKING FOR HER… because god damn you Know how Weak I am and it was so beautiful, also the British breakfast once again just shows how much he cares for her and understands her🥹 i am just about to combust actually

AND THEN RACE WEEKEND? And everything with the green tractor and also MC and Sebs relationship? Once again nailed it sm god i love these teammates… and how she didnt want to fight Seb / come across like that because he just means so much to her????? Girl you got me on the floor rn…

What I cannot stop thinking about is how shes in for the championship, and as of rn so is Carlos… Will they be fighting each other further down the line or… 👀 Make up sex as an apology for aggressive overtaking again? Or podium celebration sex because BOTH of them ended up on the podium (Silverstone? 👀) So many possibilities omfg dont mind me

AND THEN LAST BUT NOT LEAST (thiugh i still have so much to say but my slow ass brain needs a bit of time i guess) the ending was just perfect… like am I the only one thinking Carlos didnt want to sleep with her pre race weekend bc he wanted to fully focus on her but couldnt with all the GO expectations around him? But now that it was done he could let himself fully focus on her and give her all the attention he thinks she deserves? God I love them sm… And the way you let all those emotions show through during the smut was just CHEFS KISS, the way they understand each other is just so 🥹🥹🥹 i have no words lol other than i’m SO obsessed..,

God i hope this all is legible its 4:14am now and i am prone to word vomit already when my brain is working so this may just sound like incoherent crap but i hope you know this chapter was SO GOOD, also the way you captured Barcelona imo was spot on like I wouldnt have noticed that it was all based on research and not personal experiences (though i guess i must confess i havent been to barcelona since i was 4 either… JSJDKFKF BUT YOU MANAGED TO CAPTURE THE SPANISH VIBES PERFECTLY THAT I CAN TELL YOU BC I JUST VACATIONED IN SPAIN LAST MONTH)

okay oh my god i am back from festival and i am finally going to reply to this without crying halfway through...

firstly OH MY GOD. you... you wrote all this... about my work?? I'm touched, I'm shook, I'm honoured, this is honestly the best feeling and probably as close to a "real" author with people analysing my work as I'll ever get and I am ABSOLUTELY here for it (especially as a literature nerd who loves to pick apart all of my books for fun)

haha I don't *dislike* zodiacs, I don't really follow them to that much detail but I vaguely have an idea of them. To be honest, the way I write Carlos is purely based on the guy we see as a Formula One driver and personality (but now you say that I totally see the virgo energy). ALSO I'M SO GLAD YOU NOTICED THOSE I am entirely convinced Carlos is a very detail-oriented person and especially when he is first seeing someone he would be really careful to go out of the way to do really subtle but meaningful things yanno?

As for the championship fight... well I don't want to give anything away but oh I *definitely* have a plan for MC and Carlos and the WDC ;)

Haha don't worry it all made sense! And thank you so much for the comment about Barcelona... it's a little embarrassing how long I spent on google for things to do in and around the city because I've never been to mainland Spain, so even if it's not 100% accurate I'm just happy the vibes were right!!

honestly just thank you so much for this, it means the absolute world <3 <3 <3

[libbee]

Part 2 of how to manage BPD and take a rebirth! Once you start talk therapy (important) and consider your whole life story, you will see patterns emerging from childhood. Now, the core of BPD is "emotional instability". It is very hard to understand but I hope it makes sense. At first the pwBPD will be in denial. Reliving the past will feel so bad. Nothing makes any sense at all. But persevere. Recall the actions and behaviors of your parents and near ones, your classmates and everyone who was there in your life. I did talk therapy via writing in notebooks and electronic docs. See what fits for you. Venting is the first step.

Recall the BEHAVIOUR of your parents and other family in your childhood-> its effect on you WHAT DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE(embarrassed/humiliated/ashamed/insulted/ego hurt/worthless/dirty) -> how similar life circumstances are TRIGGERING those deep seated EMOTIONS now. This is identification and labeling the emotion. It is not easy. You will be confused so much. But look out for solutions. Write it all down in whatever way (offline or online) seems best to you.

Google "self concept". You have to work on your self esteem, self image, self confidence, who you are - who you are not, inner calling, your work, hobbies, everything. The first step is to read and understand what these things even mean. Then make notes out of that. Then write down what it means to YOU. Then find out your qualities that fit your self concept. It is not easy too.

Recovery from BPD does not mean loss of personality. Borderline Personality Disorder sounds like you have to change your personality. No. You have to understand your emotions, your behaviour, find coping mechanisms and give it time. It never completely goes away, you just learn to manage it.

Mindfulness matters. I stopped listening to songs and music. Rumination, obsession, compulsions are hallmark of BPD. I hate that crap. With mindfulness you will be aware of exactly what you are feeling minute to minute and its correlation with your childhood.

You will realize that when you were young, your emotions were invalidated, ignored, neglected, shamed, insulted. It varies from person to person. You have to self reflect and find out who said what and how did it make you feel. Not everyone with BPD has similar life situations, but they all have similar manifestations.

It is a messy process. You will run in circles for months. Then 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Relapse of dysfunction. It is messy.

I also had Maladaptive Daydreaming. It was all interconnected. Once you start treating your internal problems, your external problems will take care of themselves. I no longer daydream or have the urge to. I dont even remember doing it and I was the same person daydreaming 7-8hours DAILY since childhood. I daydreamed at least 6 hours DAILY since my childhood. That's how messed up it was. It was my safe heaven. It was a part of my life like eating sleeping breathing. Now it is gone. I am relieved. 🙂

A pwBPD goes through at least one romantic relationship or situation for sure before diagnosis. It will show all your dysfunctions: intensity, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, oversharing everything, love sick, not being able to eat/sleep/do anything other than obsess about love, I also did maladaptive daydreaming, push pull cycles, all perfect/all bad view, sudden breakups, highest of highs and lowest of lows, validation seeking, attention seeking, wanting reassurance all the time, fear of engulfment and boredom, put my whole life on hold other than the relationship. That's all I can remember as of now.

My BPD ruined my education. I dreaded studies like anything. I was literally scared of sitting down and studying. I recalled that when i was young ever since i started school, my family was extremely strict demanding controlling insulting invalidating humiliating about studies. They called me names, shamed me for being average student and asked me 100s of questions. It was so bad. I dont remember anything in my childhood other than study study study and the trauma related to it. I hated studying. It was a torture. It was hell.

Next comes, psyche. BPD is inter psychic. You cannot have BPD without all these mental images in your mind's eye. I used to see pictures of people and their expressions in my head. I knew it was wrong but didn't know it was related to BPD. For eg, I was extremely envious of other girls. Whenever i was triggered, my mind would show me mental images of girls having fun, more fun, prettier than me, smarter than me, cooler than me. It would ruin my self esteem so bad.

I was hypersensitive to voice tones, words, body language, text messages. I used to replay the same conversation in my head 1000 times an hour and try to feel the emotion of the other person. I wanted to feel what other people feel about me so I would replay the conversations many times. It was so exhausting and frustrating. I did it compulsively without awareness. My mind was on auto pilot.

Next comes sex. I am virgin. But I have been addicted to porn, hypersexual, desperate and ashamed of my sexuality. I still have a high libido but I am not desperate. Working on my self esteem fixed it.

Next comes cognitive distortion. I used to do mind reading. Sometimes it worked really well. But I dont do it now because it takes too much energy and I dont feel the urge anymore.

lack of object permanence and forgetfulness: my memory is chef's kiss. I forget everything about my self concept everyday. No matter how much you tell me, as soon as I am alone I feel like nothing was real, like I was never loved, it was all a lie. I forget people and ny relationship with them. I would forget my career goals and could not stick to anything more than 6 hours. I would dissociate under stress and feel like I am seeing myself from behind my body. It fixed with sleeping, self concept and clear self image.

Next comes dissociation, hallucinations, nightmares, fear of ghosts. I have suffered a lot with these things especially during my childhood. It happens because of extreme anxiety. So either take medicine or meditate.

Next comes FEELINGS. My feelings were so complex that my head would feel like exploding. I would sleep 14 to 16 hours a day during my therapy period. My feelings were so intense that I would just sleep to shut them up. It was as if I had ants crawling under my skin. How did it fix? I dont know. Sleeping fixed it probably.

Contd in part 3.

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

Little Sunshine (Miss Venable x reader x Alice Macray)

okay..hi :) this is reallyyyy long xD And its the story of this 3 cuties and how they fell in love with each other.. Well, its a little bit like the 3. part of “purple roses” (purple roses u can find here: https://littlejeaniehugsbumblebees.tumblr.com/post/640902350735818752/purple-roses-ms-venable-x-reader ) 

I know, that there is no second part online today, but there will be! If u didnt read the first part, u dont need to, coz i wrote this fanfiction that way, that u dont have to read the first part, i guess its angst idk

anygays my english is a mess, thats why i use google translate:’)

can we just talk about the fact, how perfect alice and mina would match? Mina the hot top with all that bdsm vibes and on the other hand we got the cute and innocent Alice sksksks

I guess Mina is the protagonist of this fanfic 

A good description of your relationship would have been complicated. Because it was all incredibly complicated. Don't get me wrong, you loved your girlfriends and they loved you, but sometimes when you woke up between the two of them, when Mina had her arms wrapped around you from behind and when Alice was cuddled with her head against your chest, you might just be confused how all of that could be possible.

And sometimes you couldn't help but wonder what your life would be like without one of your girlfriends. But you knew that you could never live without one of them, that was a fact.

You needed both to be happy, there was no other way.

Mina brought firmness and structure into your life. Thanks to her, you had developed routines for your daily routine and were no longer so distracted. And you loved the fact about her that she was more rational than emotional about things.

And every time she went on a business trip and left Alice and you at home alone, a huge mess broke out and all structures were thrown away.

You would oversleep in the morning, be late for work and your house would turn into a huge disaster and mess.

It just wouldn't work without Mina.

Alice, on the other hand, was the most innocent, gentle, and naive person you had ever met. Mina helped you solve your problems, but Alice helped you understand and accept them. In addition, Alice was incredibly cute and she was fantastic at cooking.

And whenever you needed it, she was there to hug you and tell you how much she loved you.

And the proof that it wouldn't work without Alice was the relationship you had with Mina before Alice came into your life. At the moment when everything you had with Mina broke, it seemed like God would have sent a gentle angel to save you.

----------------------

"This is going to be a new record .." you said as you leaned into the door frame to watch your girlfriend who was still working at her desk.

"What do you mean?", She lifted her gaze from her laptop in confusion to stare at you with a frown.

"You have been home for 4 hours and are still working .."

Mina sighed and rubbed her temples.

"I just have to make one phone call and then I'm done .." she muttered with her eyes closed.

"You always say that ..." you started, shaking your head. "One last phone call, one last document, one last email ... and then it's 10 p.m."

Mina was startled at your words and took a quick look at the clock on her laptop. You were right, it was 10 p.m.

"I doesn't matter ..." you sighed and turned to go back into the hallway.

"I'm going to bed, good night Wilhemina ..."

"Good night .." she replied quietly and stared after you.

Wilhemina.

That's what you called her only when you were angry.

Mina swore quietly and grabbed her phone before dialing the directory assistance number and letting it ring.

"Uhm..Hello, you're connected to the directory assistance, I'm Alice ..", came a soft female voice, which sounded a bit too happy for Mina's taste.

"I want you to find Lennox Fischer's private email address for me ..", Mina said in a commanding tone.

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a moment before the woman, Alice, continued.

"We have actually been closed since 6 p.m. .."

"Then you shouldn't have answered the call, could you still find this address for me?" Mina sighed and propped her chin on her palm.

"Give me a minute ... I've only been working here for a few weeks ...", Alice laughed nervously and Mina closed her eyes in annoyance.

"That's when I realize I shouldn't have told you my name .." Alice remarked after a few seconds.

"How tragic .." Mina replied ironically and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Do you have the email address?"

"I'm sorry..but what was the name again?"

"Damn it, it's not that difficult. Then why do you have this job if you can't get anything done anyway? I've rarely met someone who is as damn unqualified as you," barked Mina and slapped the table with the flat of her hand.

"You have no idea .." the other woman yelled back.

"Can you all stop being so impatient with me? I'm only human too ... And all because you're too lazy to look for it yourself and now take out your frustration on me ... I'm getting this right now not paid either, so it takes as long as it takes. And if you have a problem with it, fuck off.."

Miss Venable stared in confusion at the phone in her hand.

"Uhm, I'm sorry ..", she stammered overwhelmed.

"It's just that my girlfriend is impatiently waiting for me to finally get to bed .."

On the other end of the phone, Alice snorted.

"Yours too, yes? Get a divorce from her, even if she's just your girlfriend, it makes everything easier..You know- "

"Lennox Fischer ..", Mina interrupted the woman to bring her back to the subject.

"Oh yeah .. m'sorry .." Alice muttered and laughed nervously again. "You have to know that I got divorced from my husband two months ago and it's all a little bit complicated .."

"Aha."

"Well, I now have his email address, can you write it down? Then I'll dictate it to you .." Alice said and Mina sat down straight again to type in the email address down that Alice dictated to her on the phone.

"Good .." Alice said and sounded polite again.

"Then I thank you for your call and hope I could help you .."

Mina let out a small snort and had to grin at the strange woman.

"I have to thank you .." she muttered before hanging up and finally shutting down her laptop.

When she finally opened the door to your bedroom, you were lying with your back to her in bed and she couldn't tell whether you were still awake or already asleep. She undressed quietly and then climbed into bed behind you.

"Honey?" She whispered softly as she leaned over to gently press kisses against your exposed shoulder. "Are you still awake?"

"Nope .." you made with your eyes closed and Mina laughed quietly.

You blinked against the darkness of the room as you turned your head to face her. Your girlfriend was hunched over you naked, looking guiltily at you. After staring at her for a moment, you reached out your hand to reach behind her head and carefully pulled the hair tie out of her hair. Long red hair fell down her face and the ends of her hair tickled your cheeks.

"I'm done with everything now .." she whispered, smiling gently.

"Now is half past ten ..", your hand slid from the back of her head to her cheek to linger there.

"Now is a little bit late.."

"I know and I'm sorry .." she muttered and you could hear the regret in her voice. But a simple "sorry" wasn't enough for you anymore.

You sighed before you sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed.

"Look, I know you have to work a lot, but sometimes it's just too much you know?"

Mina, who had also leaned against the headboard, nodded shortly before you continued.

"It's not about that the whole thing can't be healthy for you. I mean more us ... Although that might be a bit selfish, I know you love your work, but I uhm .. I don't know- you know, you work all the time and even on weekends and I know it's not your fault, but I just can't do this anymore..I'm sorry that I claim your affection so much, but I just need you and you have no time .. "

Carefully you looked over at Mina, who sadly returned your gaze.

"I'm sorry .." she whispered and grabbed your hand to pull you close to her so you could rest your head on her chest.

"I'll do better, I promise .."

"I know I'm no better myself .." you muttered as she began to comb through your hair gently.

"As a professor at this college, I have to work a lot too, but not until 10 p.m."

"I'll do better .." she repeated and you smiled before leaning over to press your lips against her cheek for a moment.

"That's all I want .." you pulled back and lay back on your side of the bed. Your girlfriend was not long in coming and lay behind you before she put an arm around you and pulled you back to her.

"What do you think if we go out after work tomorrow ..?" She whispered in your ear.

You hummed in agreement. "That's a great idea..".

"Yes?"

"Yeah .." you muttered with your eyes closed.

"Good night Mina ..".

"Good night baby .."

---------------

You slammed the car door angrily before turning around to stomp up the steps to your front door. You were angry. Very angry. After you hurried to get off work as quickly as possible, you drove to the restaurant where you had an appointment, only to wait an hour for someone who didn't come and now you drove back home and then to see Mina's car parked in the garage.

"Wilhemina fucking Venable .." you shouted as you opened the front door.

"How dare you humiliate me so much ..".

You ran to her workspace and as you expected she was sitting at her desk in front of her laptop and seemed to be working. Her brown eyes widened when she saw you angrily standing in the doorway.

"I'm so sorry ..", she stammered and got up.

"Oh of course you are .." you hissed with narrowed eyes.

"I called you 4 times while I sat in this stupid restaurant for an hour .. You can't imagine how embarrassing it was, the waiter felt so sorry for me that I didn't have to pay for my tea .. "

Your girlfriend stared helplessly at you.

"Like I said, I'm sorry, Y / N .. i was just so busy and then I forgot .."

"So do you admit you've forgotten? You know, at one point I thought you might be doing this on purpose because you think it's funny."

"I never could, I-", she began, but you raised your hand to silence her.

"The only problem is that you always do that .." you bit your lip.

"You promise me so often that you will spend time with me only to then skip it for your work .. Then just leave it straight away and I don't always have to make myself hopes, only to be disappointed ..".

"Y / N please .. I'm as good as finished .. We can still go somewhere and have dinner ..", she looked at you desperately, but you just shook your head.

"Just forget it, Mina .." you muttered before turning around to leave her workspace . She looked after you sadly before let out a frustrated moan and slumped back into her desk chair.

How could she have forgotten?

Reluctantly, she picked up her phone and dialed the directory assistance number like the night before.

"Hello, you are connected to Directory Assistance .." said the same soft voice as last night.

"Alice ..", Mina remarked and didn't really want to notice.

"Ohh you're the rude woman from last night .." Alice laughed on the other end of the phone.

"The one with the impatient girlfriend .."

"Now more likely the one with the hating girlfriend ..".

"What did you do wrong?", Mina could hear real concern in the woman's voice and that confused her. She didn't even know this woman.

"She's upset because I always move her for work .." she mumbled.

"It's not your fault if you have to work."

"Exactly! ..", Mina shouted loudly and was surprised by her own volume.

At the other end it was quiet and Mina noticed that the whole thing was more than just private right now. She cleared her throat just before continuing.

"Can you find out Leigh Chaplin's phone number for me?"

"Of course..give me a minute .." Alice muttered and Mina heard Alice tapping on the keyboard through the receiver. For a brief moment Mina thought about just hanging up. That call was quite weird and had taken on a very personal direction. But just when she really wanted to hang up, Alice began to dictate the phone number to her and she had to take notes.

--------------------

Mina had decided to make amends for what had happened a few days ago. The only problem was, whenever you had time, she couldn't. And once she was done with everything, you had to work. It was a never-ending cycle that dragged you both further and further down. And the worst part was that you both knew that and still couldn't do anything about it. She loved her work as much as you loved yours and neither of you would ever be willing to sacrifice your work for the other.

And yet Mina had decided to make it up to you and that meant for her to help you with saving time. That's why she was now at the city library to bring back the books for you that you had borrowed a few weeks ago. Actually you had your own little library in your house, because you valued books very much, but at some point all these books were read and you were both not people who read books again.

And as a college professor, you had a habit of researching books rather than the internet anyway.

Here she was now, hobbling her stick through the library building. Which turned out to be quite difficult as she was holding your books in one arm and then had to go through the big building with her stick. If she were to trip and fall, she would have no way of catching herself. Mina knew that this would probably never happen, but still she didn't like the feeling.

But of course it happened as it had to, as always in such situations. It wasn't Mina who fell, but it was one of the books that slipped out of the crook of her arm and landed with a thud on the wooden floor of the library. How much she hated that ... such situations were almost unbearable for her. Simply because it was embarrassing to know that because of her scoliosis she was unable to bend down to pick up the book herself.

She wanted to swear loudly, but she knew that a library might not be the best place for this. She poked her senselesslyn stick around on the book and tried to put it upright somehow, only to grab it. But it was useless. Of course it had to be the thickest of your books that she had dropped. Her stick seemed to be against it like a thin branch.

"Let me help you .." suddenly came a soft voice from behind her and made her flinch. Mina turned around and looked into the friendly face of a petite woman with light brown hair.

"Your book ..", the woman said when Mina didn't answer and pointed to it with an outstretched finger. Again Miss Venable didn't answer and just stared at the woman in front of her. She was 100% sure she had never seen her before, but her voice ... She knew that soft voice, she just didn't know where from.

Without hesitating for another second, the strange woman bent down and picked up the book.

"You are welcome ..", she smiled and put the book back in the crook of Mina.

"Thank you ..", Mina mumbled, still staring at the woman in front of her, confused.

"I'm sorry, but do we know each other?"

"I think I would know that..", the woman laughed and suddenly Mina knew who she was looking at.

"You're Alice .." she uttered. "Alice from directory assistance ..".

Alice's eyes widened.

"Then you must be the one with the impatient, hating girlfriend .."

Mina's pale skin turned red at the other woman's words and she began tapping the floor with her stick in an irregular rhythm, as she always did when she was nervous.

"I may have exaggerated a bit .." she muttered. "She doesn't hate me ..".

"Well, I'm glad .." Alice honestly smiled before she nodded at the books in Mina's arms with her chin. "By the way, you have a very good taste in books .."

Mina's gaze followed that of the woman in front of her and landed on the book that she had dropped.

"Oh..these aren't my books, my girlfriend read them .."

"So she has a very good taste in books ...".

Mina nodded briefly while she was still staring at Alice. The fact that she had actually met this woman was so weird that it couldn't be a coincidence.

"Uhm .. I should bring the books back .." she muttered and Alice nodded quickly.

"I can wait .." said Alice.

"So .. if you want .." she added quickly when she noticed Mina frown.

Mina narrowed her eyes while she could only stare again. Alice exuded such confidence and she was so kind, it was like she couldn't help but agree.

"Okay .." Mina muttered. "Just give me a minute ..".

Alice's eyes began to glow.

"Perfect .." she said, beaming. "I'll wait outside."

Mina nodded shortly before leaving Alice to return the books.

"Where is your car?" Mina asked Alice as she stepped out of the library.

"Oh uhm I came here on foot .." Alice muttered and Mina frowned.

"It's getting dark .." she said curtly and Alice, who obviously didn't know what to do with that remark, nodded shortly.

"I can drive you home."

Mina studied Alice's face for any dislikes, but the woman just smiled again.

"That would be nice..".

Mina nodded again before going to her car with Alice.

"Well ..", Mina began after getting into the car with Alice.

"Where do you live?" She looked at Alice from the side, who was desperately trying to put the strap over her blouse so that it wouldn't crease.

"Uhm..Woodhill Avenue ..", the woman mumbled when she was finally satisfied.

"You can't be serious ..", Mina stared at Alice, not sure whether to laugh or be upset. "We live on the same street .."

"Oh really?" Alice's eyes lit up again.

Mina just hummed in agreement before starting the car.

For a few minutes they drove through the crowded streets and neither said a word. And although something like that was usually uncomfortable, at that moment it was actually quite pleasant, at least that's what Mina thought.

"Actually we know the whole neighborhood, but I've never heard of an Alice, nor have I seen you ...", she said finally as she turned into the long street of Woodhill Avenue.

"Well .. actually I don't live there .. I think I told you that I separated from my husband and since then I've been living with my daughter ..", Alice explained and Mina didn't even need to look at her to see how the woman was uncomfortable with the topic.

"I'm sorry .." she said curtly.

"Oh no .. you know, I'm happy the way it is now, at least I'm happier than I was with Buck a few months ago ..".

Mina didn't know what to answer, so she decided not to say anything again.

"Do you know the people who live in this house?" Alice suddenly asked and pointed to the building that Mina referred to as her home. "Venable and Y / L / N are their names .. My daughter told me that everyone is afraid of them .."

Mina stared at Alice and when she realized that the woman was serious, she started to laugh.

"Is it really that bad that everyone is afraid of us?", Mina said and couldn't help but grin as she watched the eyes of the woman next to her widen.

"Wait..I- you live in the house with your girlfriend?" Alice stammered and Mina nodded.

"I'm so sorry ... God ..this embarrassing .."

Alice buried her face in her hands and stared between her fingers at the house where you lived with Mina.

"Well, it's a nice house ..", she muttered, trying to get out of this situation somehow. Mina just snorted in amusement before continuing down the street with the car.

"Which house does your daughter live in?"

"In the green one over there .." Alice muttered and Mina's eyes landed on a green low-rise building.

"Ohh your daughter is Evangeline ..", Mina remarked as she parked the car in front of the house.

"You know her?" Alice sounded confused.

Mina nodded.

"I've never really spoken to her before, but I know her .."

"Okay .." Alice frowned before reaching for the seat belt to unbuckle her.

"That's when I notice, I don't even know what your name is ..".

"Miss Venable .." Mina said curtly and bit the inside of her cheek.

"uhm..or Wilhemina .."

Alice smiled.

"Well, then thank you, Wilhemina, for taking me home .."

"Good Night, Alice ..", Mina muttered and had to smile again.

"Good Night .." Alice repeated before getting out of the car and disappearing into the green house. And Mina couldn't help but stare after her.

In her mind, for whatever reason, she was back on the day the two of you had met in the flower shop where you had been working at the time. Even then, she had wanted to smile all the time.

When Mina finally stood in front of the house for a few minutes and finally decided to go home, she felt nothing but guilty feelings and she did not know who these feelings were for: Alice, because Mina had let her go or you, because she felt exactly the same  things right now as she did when you and Mina first met.

----------------------

It was Saturday evening and Alice was on her way to the house of the interesting woman she had met in person a few days ago. Somewhere she had a guilty conscience, as it was already 10 p.m. and it was probably impolite to disturb Mina so late, but she really wanted to see Wilhemina again and at the same time she really wanted to get to know you.

She stepped onto the site of your house and hesitantly raised her hand to the bell before finally pressing her finger against the little button.

When two minutes later still nothing had moved, Alice actually wanted to turn around and go home, but then she remembered that Mina probably needed longer due to her stick and that's why she stayed. And actually a few seconds later an angry looking Mina opened the door for her.

When Alice saw Mina's angry look, she was afraid for a moment that she had more than just disturbed, but when Mina recognized her, her look softened.

"Alice .." Mina uttered happily and Alice could see the woman in front of her trying to suppress a smile, which she failed.

"Uhm..I hope I'm not bothering .." Alice gave Mina, who quickly shook her head, a bright smile.

"No .." said the woman, her face serious again. "How can I help you?"

"Uhm well, I've got something for your girlfriend .." Alice muttered as she reached into her pocket to get the book out before she passed it to Mina.

"I saw on Thursday that your friend had checked out the first part .. I thought she might want to read the second part too .. It doesn't exist in the library .."

"Oh that's nice ..", Mina picked up the book.

"But unfortunately she's not at home all weekend because of a seminar .."

Alice frowned

"Are you sure you're the one who transfers his girlfriend because of work?" She asked and watched Mina just shake her head.

"I think you have a completely wrong picture of her ..", Mina muttered and chewed her lower lip.

"Isn't that important either, do you want to come in?"

"Sure .." Alice nodded quickly and started smiling again.

When Mina led Alice into the living room, Alice couldn't help but be impressed. The walls of the great room were lined up with full bookshelves sorted in alphabetical order. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling and was not switched on because a fire was burning in a large marble fireplace. In the middle of the room was a large dark red carpet on which a dark wing chair, a couch made of the same dark fabric and a square wooden table with short table legs stood.

Alice's gaze caught on the wing chair Mina had obviously been sitting in, before Alice rang the bell. A blanket lay untidy on the seat, covered with an open book and on the table was a half-empty glass with red wine. On the edge of the glass Alice could see traces of Mina's dark lipstick.

"Excuse the chaos, please ..", she heard Mina say behind her. Alice let out a low snort.

"Chaos .." she repeated mumbling and turned to Mina. Except for the few things on the wing chair, the house seemed to have been furnished down to the last detail.

"Do you drink wine?" Asked Mina, clutching her stick with both hands.

"Sure." Alice replied curtly.

"Red or white?"

"White, please ..".

"Well, then wait here for a moment ..", Mina said before turning around to leave the room.

Alice looked after the woman briefly before going to the dark sofa to sit on it. She sat there for a moment, but then the pictures on the mantelpiece caught her eye and she got up again to walk to the fireplace to take a closer look at the pictures.

All of the pictures showed Mina and a woman Alice was unfamiliar with, but Alice was smart enough to say that it was you, Mina's girlfriend.

And she noticed that Mina was right when she said Alice had the wrong picture of you. You didn't see at all like someone that could be impatient or strict. All these pictures showed you laughing honestly, with a cocky twinkle in your eyes. And of course Mina, who, as always, tried to suppress her smile. Alice grinned at the thought.

Each picture showed a different moment, presumably dates or vacations and all in one, Alice thought that you and Mina looked cute together, at least in the photos.

"So you've already discovered Y / N's altar .." mumbled Mina, who suddenly appeared next to Alice.

"Oh yes .. It's cute ..", Alice said and took the glass of white wine, which Mina held out to her before she mumbled a little "thank you".

"I think it's rather cheesy, but it was her idea ..", Mina stared critically at the pictures and for a few seconds neither said anything.

"She's pretty .." Alice finally remarked and Mina just nodded.

"She is.."

Alice's gaze wandered carefully from the pictures to Mina, who was staring sadly down at the pictures.

"You know, I think this is what I like the most .." she suddenly mumbled and tapped an actually inconspicuous picture with her finger. It showed you both in your winter coats squinting your eyes against the flash of the selfie camera. It was also pretty blurry.

"I know it's nothing special .." Mina explained. "But the moment behind it was special ... It was New Year's Eve last year and shortly before midnight we climbed onto the roof of the skyscraper in which she lived at the time, to watch the fireworks from there. I remember exactly how she was angry when I forced her to come on the roof with me .. it was pretty cold ..

But I wanted it to be special when I propose to her .. "

Alice's eyes widened.

"Are you engaged?"

Mina shook her head and smiled sadly.

"We were engaged .. but she broke off the engagement three months ago until .. until things were settled .. You already know how complicated everything is at the moment .."

Alice looked worriedly into Mina's sad eyes before slowly nodding.

"I understand .." she said softly.

"You know, I really love her, but it's just so weird .." Mina pinched the bridge of her nose. "I met her a couple of years ago in the flower shop she worked and earned next to nothing and actually had a shitty life, and now she's been working as a professor for a college for a few months and is finally happy with that... and that is great, don't get me wrong, but we hardly have no time for each other, because now she also has to work long hours ... and it's like she pretends that it's all my fault .. "

"I'm sorry .." Alice muttered before stretching out her arms and pulling the woman into a hug. Alice felt that Mina was uncomfortable when she lay tense in her arms, but when she wanted to withdraw, Mina quickly put her arms around Alice and hugged her back. Alice put her head on Mina's shoulder and inhaled the woman's lavender perfume. They stayed that way for a few minutes, until Mina finally cleared her throat and withdrew.

"M'sorry .." she muttered without looking at Alice and Alice could see the tear marks on her face.

"We shouldn't talk about this anymore .."

Alice nodded quickly. "If I got too close to you, I'm sorry .. "

She followed Mina, who sat down on the couch and sat with enough space next to her.

"Now that you've heard my shit, I'd love to hear yours .." Mina said, giving Alice a subtle sideways look. Alice blinked a few times and thought about it for a moment. Actually, she didn't really know the woman and a divorce is not really a pleasant topic for an evening like this, but a few seconds ago Mina had stood in her arms and cried, so what was wrong with it?

"Uhm .. so I've been divorced for 2 months ..", she began and for the next two hours she told Mina the whole story with Phyllis Schlafly, the E.R.A. and that Houston had somehow opened her eyes and she'd been working on directory assistance ever since. She told Mina about her children and that she couldn't believe she was a grandma. And then she told her about Buck and that for a few years she had wondered if what she had with him was really what she wanted the rest of her life to be.

To be honest, Alice wouldn't normally have been so talkative if it wasn't because of the alcohol. She usually didn't drink, so a glass of Mina's expensive white wine was enough to get her drunk.

"You know, I only noticed now how bad that asshole was in bed ..." she laughed out loud and held onto Mina's thigh. "Well in any case our house belongs to him and I have to live with my daughter .."

Mina, who was just as sober as she was a few hours earlier, might have been a little overwhelmed by Alice's drunkenness, but somehow she found it incredibly cute.

"I'm sorry .." she muttered and Alice missed the worried look the woman was giving her.

"Yikes .." Alice suddenly made as she stared intently at the clock on the wall.

"Am I wrong or is it 14 minutes past midnight?"

Mina was shocked at her words and had to find out that it was actually that late.

"I should call your daughter, then she can pick you up ..".

"Oh let Evangeline sleep .." Alice waved her off.

"I can just sleep with you .. you know I like you, you're nice to me and don't treat me like the failure that I am. Even if you were pretty mean to me on the phone ..".

Alice grinned crookedly before leaning forward and dropping her head into Mina's lap. Mina winced and immediately got up to let Alice rudely fall back on the sofa. The drunk woman let out a low wail and looked reproachfully up at Mina.

"We should put you to bed .." she mumbled and pulled Alice into an upright position before she gently grabbed her arm and pulled her up the stairs with her.

"Uhm .. this is the guest room ...", Mina muttered as they stood in the door frame of the room. Alice stared into the beautifully decorated guest room, which was so much better than the sofa she'd slept on for months. But it wasn't what she wanted.

"You know, I can sleep with you..", she remarked and looked carefully at Mina, who seemed frozen.

"Okay .." Mina finally said before stepping out of the doorway and leading Alice into your bedroom.

A large king-size bed stood with its head against the wall and filled most of the room. One side of the bed faced the door. Alice' gaze ran to the bedside cabinet on this side of the bed and could see reading glasses, a pill box and a tube of some kind of cream next to a small lamp. She suspected that Mina slept here. The other nightstand was a lot messier. Unused kleenex were piled on top of each other while a pair of gold earrings lay on the lamp stand. On one corner of the cupboard was an empty glass, but it was definitely used. And then there was a big black hairbrush and either it was Mina's red hair that was caught in it or you had the same hair color as your girlfriend, which Alice found unlikely. On the wall next to this side of the bed was a large painting with some flowers on it. Alice's eyes wandered to a large ground plant that stood in the corner of the room. She noticed that she had seen beautiful flowers all over the house and she remembered Mina saying that you had once worked in a flower shop.

All in all it was a nice bedroom, but Alice only saw the best part when she had stepped completely into the room:

On the wall opposite the foot of the bed was a huge picture window, which allowed a view of the neighborhood and the beautiful night sky. That was the advantage if you didn't live in the city. Alice couldn't help but grin than her eyesremained hanging on the black grand piano, which crowned the bedroom on top of everything else.

"A piano in the bedroom?", She turned to Mina, grinning, who turned red for whatever reason.

"Y / N can play the piano and when I gave this one to her, she wanted it to be here ..", Mina explained and nervously began tapping the floor with her stick to a random rhythm.

"It's pretty cheesy, but you should hear her play ...".

Alice nodded quickly and put on a neutral expression again when she realized that Mina didn't like her grin.

"I imagine it would be nice to wake up in the morning and then hear the piano .." she muttered and looked back at the piano.

"Anyway ..", Mina said and held her stick tighter again.

"We're about the same size, you can have my nightgown if you want ..".

Alice turned back to her and gave the woman a grateful smile.

"That would be nice..".

Mina only nodded shortly before she left the room, only to come back a minute later in a lavender nightgown.

"I'm going to change in the bathroom while you can do this here ..", she explained as Alice took the nightgown and mumbled a little "thank you".

And less than 5 minutes later Alice, who was actually still drunk, was lying in bed next to a completely stranger and, like Mina, stared at the ceiling in silence. And yet she would have preferred nowhere and it was the first evening in weeks that she could fall asleep without any worries.

---------------------

Contrary to Mina's guess, the next morning hadn't been weird at all. Actually nothing special had happened, but Mina had been worried about Alice's drunkenness, but the woman had been kind as always.

And while everything was fine between Alice and her, she worried about what was between her and you. She felt incredibly guilty and could never have told you that a strange woman had slept in your bed. Mina knew that Alice was way too innocent to think anything about it when she and Mina shared the bed, but you didn't know Alice and you would never understand.

Miss Venable couldn't deny that the brunette had turned her head. Alice was so gentle, it was almost impossible to feel uncomfortable in her presence and Mina finally had someone who understood her and who showed her compassion.

And when you came home on Sunday night and she pushed you right against your front door to kiss you passionately, she did that not only to show you how much she had missed you, but also to prove to herself that she still loved you . Because she did, but what she felt when she saw Alice confused her feelings and it scared her.

It was Thursday afternoon and Mina was on her way home. She had tried again and again over the past few days to show you how much she loved you, but for whatever reason, that only made it worse. At least you just seemed to get a little bit more bitter every day, and she couldn't explain why.

Mina let out an aggressive growl when she sounded the horn because the light turned green and the idiot in front of her stopped driving.

She had got out of work late and now had to hurry to get home, even if she didn't really want to go there. You'd only be disappointed again because she was late again.

Nervously, she drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she drove home as fast as she could. She was almost in your street when she spotted none other than Alice on the pedestrian path and automatically her bad mood had flown away. Mina stopped next to Alice on the side of the road before pulling down the passenger door window to see Alice's surprised face.

"Jesus Mina .." Alice exclaimed, clutching her chest.

Mina raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"I thought church mice dont swear ..".

"Actually, I don't swear either .." Alice stammered. "But do you have any idea how scary it is when someone pulls up their car next to you?"

"So am I someone then?"

"No .. but .. you know what I mean ..".

Mina nodded curtly before leaning forward to open the passenger door.

"I guess, you want to go home?"

"Oh yes ..", Alice smiled gratefully at Mina before climbing into the car.

"So how are you Mina?" Alice asked after they had driven for a few minutes.

"M'fine ..", Mina mumbled and was well aware that she was lying.

"Good to hear .." Alice said, sounding in as good a mood as ever.

"How did Y / N find the book?"

Fuck.

Mina bit her lip.

"So uhm..I didn't give it to her..Y / N doesnt know you were with me .. "

"Oh ..", uttered the woman next to her and didn't sound that happy anymore.

"I may not be allowed to interfere, but I think you should talk to her .."

"About what?" Mina frowned.

"About how you feel .. Tell Y / N that you feel misunderstood and make it clear to her that it is not your fault ..".

Mina didn't answer and concentrated on driving again.

"You know, communication is the most important thing in a relationship, so talk to her, I think that might help .."

Great, thought Mina and bit the inside of her cheek. Talking about feelings, that was exactly her thing.

She stopped in silence next to Alice's daughter's green house.

"Thanks, Mina ..", Alice mumbled and wanted to open the car door to get out, but Mina stopped her by locking the whole car.

Alice turned to her in confusion before Mina grabbed her by the collar of her blouse, pulled her close and pressed her lips against Alice's.

Alice let out a shocked whimper and Mina immediately withdrew.

For a few seconds both women stared at each other. Alice looked totally overwhelmed and horrified, while Mina slowly realized what she had just done.

Without a word she opened the car doors and not a second later Alice jumped out of the car before running into the house.

A few minutes passed and Mina didn't move an inch. She stared at the street in front of her, trying to understand what had just happened.

All she wanted was to solve the problems between you and her and now she had kissed another woman. Damn it.

She let out a loud scream and hit the steering wheel before leaning forward to lean her forehead against it. A few more minutes passed while she cried against the leather. She hated being so emotional, right now when so many feelings were boiling in her at the same time and she couldn't define all of these things.

After she had calmed down a bit, she took a few deep breaths before starting the car and driving home.

"I'm home, baby .." she called in a thin voice after entering your house.

"Oh, finally ..", she heard you sigh before you appeared in the hallway. Your usual smile faded when you saw her and you frowned.

"What?" Mina asked nervously and chewed her lower lip.

"You have lipstick on your face ..", your voice sounded dark and made Mina nervous.

"Oh .. it must be smeared .." she said and smiled shakily.

"This is not your lipstick .."

Mina's smile froze and she stared at you.

"So you're really having an affair .." you growled and she could see tears glistening in your eyes.

"What the- Y / N..No ..", Mina's voice faltered as she watched you turn around and pointed with your finger to follow you before you led her into your study.

"If you're not having an affair, what is that ..", you opened one of your desk drawers and put a white lace bra on it.

"I found it under our bed and it can't be yours .. you're not wearing white underwear .."

Mina stared at Alice's bra hanging on your finger.

"Okay, how long?", You looked at her piercingly.

"I uhm- We dont-" Mina struggled for words and clung to her cane.

"You just can't be serious .." you yelled. "All I want is your affection and while I give everything to hang out with you, you fuck someone else?"

"I'm not having an affair, Y / N ..", Mina tried to calm you down and held up a hand.

"Oh, then explain to me why I find strange underwear under our bed and why your face is such a mess .. You know, you could have at least tried to hide the whole thing ..".

"Please let me explain ..", Mina chewed her lower lip and briefly considered what to say.

"Well I know you from the directory assistance ..-"

"Ohh, phone sex..",  you interrupted her and raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell, no y / n ..", Mina hissed.

"It turned out that she lives in the neighborhood and then she was here on Saturday and slept here, more not .."

"More not? Are you kidding me?", You spat and ran your hair through. "You let this stranger sleep in my bed and you don't tell me about it? .."

Mina didn't know how to answer it, so she just kept silent.

"Did you have sex?" You asked as you crossed your arms and chewed your lower lip.

"She never could, she-"

"Okay, I'll ask differently ..", you pinched the bridge of your nose.

"Did you want to have sex with her?"

Mina stared at you with wide eyes. In her mind she traveled back to Saturday night when she had been lying in bed next to Alice and staring at the ceiling. She remembered it well, how disgustedt she was of herself, but all she wanted to do at the moment was bend over the innocent woman to do the dirtiest things to her. Things Alice didn't even dare to dream of. All she wanted was to hear the desperate whimpering of the women and how she shouted her name.

But Mina could never have done that, partly because her loyalty was yours and partly because Alice was far too innocent for something like that.

"Wow .." you mumbled when she didn't answer.

"And then that bitch kissed you today ...?"

"Don't call her that ..", Mina defended Alice. "And besides, I kissed her ..".

"Oh..That's even better ..." you screamed as tears ran from your eyes.

"Congratulations Wilhemina, something like that is called an affair ..".

Angrily you threw the bra at Mina before you ran past her back into the hallway. Mina followed you and watched sadly as you packed your handbag with simple things.

"I'm going to see my mother .." you explained without looking at her while you put on your jacket. "I have to think about a few things ... I have no idea how long I'll be gone ... I also have no idea if I'll ever come back ...".

That was the last thing you said before you ran out of your house and left her with all the guilt.

-----------------------

You spent three weeks with your mother. Three long weeks of thinking about everything that had happened. You loved Mina so much, and the fact that there was probably someone else almost killed you. And actually you hadn't meant to come back to her, no matter that all your things were still in her house, but you were too scared that you would then have to see how she got over you and went on with her life.

After all, it was your mother who persuaded you to go to Mina to talk to her.

And now you stood in front of the door of your house and at least from the outside it looked exactly as you had left it. You bravely raised your hand to the door to knock gently on it.

And when Mina opened the door a minute later, you couldn't help but stare at her. You thought you looked like shit, but Mina topped it all. The actually proud woman was just a pile of misery when she opened the door for you that day. The red hair curled untidily over the fabric of her pajamas as she trembled on her stick. She was obviously in pain and probably hadn't taken her pills, something you usually reminded her of. You looked carefully into her face, which seemed even paler than usual, and noticed how she squinted her eyes against the sunlight, she didn't seem to have left the house for a long time.

For a moment you both stared at each other and you felt guilt creep up inside you.

"Can I come in?" You finally asked and looked carefully into her cloudy eyes that were staring down at you. Mina nodded slowly.

"It's your home ..." she muttered before stepping out of the doorway and hobbling into the living room. Without hesitation you ran after her after the door had closed behind you. You sat down next to Mina, who was staring into the empty fireplace, on the couch and also stared at the fireplace, but your attention was focused on the photos on the mantelpiece.

"You didn't take your pills .." you mumbled and she just hummed in agreement.

"..uhm, how are you?" you tried again before carefully looking at her from the side.

"M'great .." she muttered.

"Okay.."

"And how are you?" She asked while she was still staring into the fireplace.

"I'm great too."

Mina snorted.

"So we're both liars."

You ignored her comment and got to the real reason you came.

"Okay Mina, uhm i dont know- So about this woman .. I don't know what you had or just didn't have with her ..-"

"I had nothing with her ..", she interrupted you with a growl.

"You understand that I can understand that pretty badly?", You bit your lower lip and watched as Mina shook her head.

"I think you should get to know her .." she muttered and you frowned.

"So are you still in contact with her?"

Mina shrugged her shoulders.

"You should get to know her," she repeated.

"Okay .." you raised both hands in surrender. "Tell me when and where and I'll be there ..".

"Are you coming home then?" She whispered as she finally turned away from the fireplace and her injured eyes met yours.

"I .. I don't know ..", you stammered. "Please let me get to know this woman first .."

Mina nodded just before she got up and left the living room.

"What are you doing?" You called after her, confused.

"I'll call her .. "she muttered.

Your eyes widened.

"She's not coming here now, is she?"

"No ..", Mina called from the hallway. You didn't answer and after a few seconds you heard her talking softly to someone before she came back into the living room and stood in the doorway.

"You will meet her tomorrow in the café next to the library ..", she explained.

"Tomorrow I have to work late .."

"I know .." she said. "That's why you don't meet until 6 pm .."

"Okay .." you nodded briefly and stared at her for a few seconds.

"Uhm, I actually wanted to take some clothes with me .. For three weeks I've had to wear the shit my mother still had from me .."

"It's your home..", Mina replied shortly as she again clutched her stick with both hands.

You jumped up from the sofa to run past her up the stairs. In your dressing room you quickly packed a few clothes in an old sports bag before you turned around and actually wanted to go again, but then the white bra of this woman caught your eye, which was lost in the window sill. You knew stuffing that stupid thing in your gym bag might not be a good idea, but you would do anything to break the owner of this bra, for something to do with your girlfriend.

You ran back down the stairs where Mina was waiting for you in the hallway.

"I should go now .." you muttered as she stared at you expectantly. She nodded sadly.

"Uhm..Can I hug you?" She asked quietly and looked at you carefully.

"uh..of course ..", you nodded slowly before suddenly finding yourself in her arms again. She hugged you so tight that you were afraid you would suffocate. Her red hair tickled your face and for the first time in three weeks you could inhale her lavender perfume while she clung to you like her life depended on it.

"I am so sorry ..", she whispered and you swallowed when you felt guilty again.

"I should go now .." you repeated and withdrew from her arms.

She just nodded before you stumbled to the front door.

"Uhm..Y / N ..", she called after you when you were already out the door. You turned back to her and looked at her questioningly.

"Yes?"

"Alice didn't do anything wrong, so please don't kill her tomorrow ..".

You nodded just before turning to go to your car.

Alice.

--------------

"Damn .." you cursed as you nervously stared at your watch.

18:23

You parked your car in the library parking lot and walked briskly to the café.

Your gaze wandered through the almost empty room. Two men were sitting at a table and playing chess, an old woman was sitting in a corner and drinking coffee, and then your gaze was fixed on the graceful figure of a woman who was sitting with her back turned to you. It has to be her, you thought as you stared at her hazel hair curled up on a pastel colored blouse.

You got a little nervous when you approached her from behind.

"Uhm..Alice ..?" You asked and the woman winced slightly before turning to you and staring into her friendly eyes.

"You must be Y / N .." she said with a bright smile and got up.

"Uhm..ja .." you mumbled with a frown before you sat down across from her.

"I'm sorry ..I'm late .."

"Oh its okay .." Alice waved her hand before she sat down again. "Mina told me about your work .."

"Did she?", You looked at her confused and she just hummed in agreement.

You used the next few seconds to take in the woman in front of you and understood what Mina had meant. Alice looked so harmless and didn't fall into the category of the horny neighbor slut at all.

You cleared your throat and pointed with your index finger at the cup in front of you.

"What's this?"

"Tea," Alice said curtly. "She told me that you drink tea .."

The furrow on your forehead only got a little deeper as you pulled your eyebrows together a little further.

"She seems to have told you a lot about me .."

"I also know that you play the piano .." Alice replied, sounding kind of proud.

"She had to explain the piano in our bedroom .." you growled darkly as you remembered that this woman had slept in your bed.

"Y / N, she loves you .." she said and looked at you piercingly.

"I'm not sure about this.."

"Okay .." Alice sighed before starting to tell you the whole story from her point of view. How Mina had called her directory assistance late at night, how they met by chance in the library and how she ended up at your home on Saturday evening.

You listened to her attentively without interrupting her and with everyoneSentence made you feel a little worse because everything she said made sense.

"You must know, I never kissed a woman before and- you know ..." Alice muttered, staring at the table.

"And I thought it was a sin all my life and when Mina kissed me I wasn't really happy at first. You know, I was with her on a Tuesday two weeks ago to talk to her about it and she was really sad..- "

"Did she tell you she loves you?" You interrupt her.

"She-" Alice's voice faltered. "She apologized and said she was confused .."

You stared at her in silence.

"I don't want to offend you, Y / N, but Mina feels totally misunderstood by you .. She tries to do everything right and you reject her .. As if it was her fault that she has to work so hard .. And even if she doesn't seem like anyone that gets involved with something like that, she feels totally terrible about it all .. You didn't see how she cried when I was with her that Tuesday .. "

You looked at Alice sadly when you understood what she meant.

"Damn I'm such an idiot .." you muttered, rubbing your hair.

"There's something else, Y / N .." Alice sat up straight before continuing.

"When I was with her on Tuesday, I kissed her again ..".

Her words made you freeze.

"You did what?"

"You already understand me .." Alice said, looking at each other nervously.

"Did she kiss you or did you kiss her?"

"I kissed her."

"Okay .." you frowned.

"She loves you .." Alice repeated, putting her hand on yours.

Tears stung your eyes.

"But she loves you too ..", you croaked as you felt warm tears running down your face. Alice reached out her hand to wipe the tears from your face.

"Maybe .." she said softly. "But you mustn't be mad at her for that, it's not her fault .. Mina and I don't have an affair or anything, she loves you too much for that .."

"And do you love her?"

Alice thought for a few seconds before answering.

"I don't know to be honest .. This is all new to me, if you get what I mean .."

You nodded slowly and thought for a moment about everything she had just told you.

"I uhm .. thanks for trying to explain everything to me .." you finally said.

The woman in front of you smiled gently before taking her hand back.

"I hope you don't hate me now or anything.."

"Oh no!" You shouted loudly. "You are really kind .."

"Thank you," Alice muttered, her eyes shining a little more.

You stared at her for another moment and you could totally understand that Mina found this little sunshine attractive.

"Uhm by the way .." you started and reached into your handbag.

"I uhm .. I brought your bra .."

You put the bra on the table and pushed it over to the woman.

"Thank you .." Alice mumbled embarrassed and blushed, which made you grin.

She was really cute.

And that was your first "date" with Alice. Although one would call this educational talk less than a date. That same evening you drove back home and by home you meant Mina and not your mother's house.

The following months were more than overwhelming for you, Mina and Alice. Mina and you both applied for less working time at your work, which you also received and you had more time for each other.

That wasn't what overwhelmed you so much, the problem was, that it was pretty difficult for all 3 of you to come to terms with how you felt about each other.

After all, Mina got along best with it because she was the one of you who had been confronted with it the longest.

For her sake you accepted her love for Alice and began to meet the brunette more often and at some point you had to find out that you too were hopelessly in love with Alice.

Alice struggled with it though. The mere fact that she was in love with one woman scared her and then there were two. It was pretty hard for her to put aside all of her lesbian advantages and what her church said about you. Fortunately, Alice's children had different opinions and were glad that their mother was happy again after the divorce.

You and Mina were a little afraid of Alice's extended family, but they had all been nice to you and there was almost nothing better for you than to take care of Alice's grandchildren.

It took a while, but finally Alice also managed to get rid of her inhibitions and give herself completely to you.

And sometimes when you wake up between the two of them, when Mina had her arms wrapped around you from behind and when Alice was cuddled with her head to your chest and you were wondering how all this was even possible, you were probably the happiest person on earth at the same time.

And all you needed for that was the little sunshine in your arms while the red hair of your beautiful protector tickled your face.

[azenta]

Is ISTP 3w4 possible or am I a mistyped ESTP?

I know for certain I'm xSTP and a 3w4 core, but still can't be sure of my exact MBTI type. I have yet to meet or even come across online anyone who is an ISTP 3w4, all ISTPs report being types 5, 6, 7, 8 or 9. If I Google the combination the only things it shows are a couple Tumblr posts were people imagine what that person could be like. So it's really hard to believe it exists since there's no evidence.

Inferior Fe + 3 also sounds contra productive. The reasons why I can't just settle on ESTP is that I can never agree with how inferior Ni is described. I'm way too aware of consequences, implications and "hidden" meanings and love discussing abstract theories i.e. typology, interpreting meaning behind art.

_______

Lucky you, I feel like answering something and you are the chosen one.

Your concerns for evidence is not a bad thing overall, but ISTP 3w4 can be much more logical if "your" definitions of the cognitive functions aren't rigid and limited. And on the wild space that is internet, a majority have the shittiest conception of cognitive functions, so I wouldn't rely on the lack of evidence as a counter point seen how misinformed most sites are.

I dont see why it wouldn't be a thing. 3 is about having concerns for:

> how you're perceived

> being perceived as competent

> Seeking attention (validation)

> Asserting your desire for attention as a primary method to get it

> being the best to feel you have any worth

> how flawed you are and trying to make up for it

Therefore, 3s will look for ways that will help them shine. The cognitive functions will guide what will be the criterias, areas or methods they'll use to ease their concerns.

Ti is about judging information but in an "inorganic/abiotic" way. So, in a way to make everything seen on the same level, impersonally, almost while forgetting the nature of the concerned object. It is also concerned about creating its own judgement about those objects, establishing from its understanding how it falls together.

And aux Se will care about where things start and finish. How it falls off presently, and so, what can be done presently and eventually, in a near future, to get to the given objective.

Said like that, 3s concerns can fall into this category as almost any enneagram type. What you need to look for is if the concerns I mentioned are concerns you have.

Do you care about how you're perceived? Do you have a clear image of yourself but a flaky sense of identity because it shifts according to this image? Do you reclaim attention instinctively? Is shame a foreign emotion more so because you actively avoid any embarrassment almost compulsively? Are you preoccupied with how good or competent you are perceived to be? Are you drunk on improvement juice? Especially because you feel you need to make up somehow for who you are deeply?

In the end, your cognitive functions are tools to attain the enneatype goals. It is true some cognitive functions seem to be more prevalent for certain enneatype, but I'd say in that case ISTP is not that weird for a 3 core, especially with a w4 that makes them more withdrawn, which fits with a dominant introverted judging functioning.

So, assure yourself of each type individually, so you separate cognition from defense mechanisms and motivation, then think of them together. How does this add up, and is the addition a decent representation of who you are as a whole ; your qualities and flaws included.

I hope it could help you some bit uwu

[edwardslostalchemy]

1) ice skating dates! i like Shouto not knowing how to skate so Izuku shows him and the reverse as well! 2) As pro heroes they leave dumb hints on the internet about their relationship! like really dumb though. Shouto just has a social media account that's called Pro_Hero_Deku's_Husband and just posts candid pictures of Izuku. everyone thinks the user is a crazy stalker, but its just Shouto. 3) in highschool Shouto would be taller for kisses, but then when they get older Izuku is the taller one

(I am going to post several of the messages I have received together! Thank you for sending them in! These made me very happy!)

ultragayturtlepride said:

this isn't really tododeku BUT i think is a funny thought. Shouto is actually left handed but learned to write with his right hand just to spite his father. okay back to Tododeku. I've always had this idea (and i might have said this already i don't know) Izuku accidentally confesses to Shouto by writing something about him in his analysis journal then one day Shouto asks to look at what Izuku wrote about him to see what he needs to improve 1/2

2/2 Shouto looks through it to see what he needs to improve on. Izuku has forgotten what he wrote and when they study together (or Shouto looks through it alone) he sees what was written about him. blushes, fluff, mumbling words, and a proper confession follow

Izuku and Shouto have had many dates at Dagobah Beach. I like to think that if one of them proposed in a proper way it would be there. If they didn't get engaged there, it would be either in the middle of a battle when they think their going to die, or when Izuku is in the hospital (Izuku proposes only in this situation) after a life threatening battle

@da-crazy-fangirl said:

1. Todoroki starts doing deku’s tie for him because he can’t do it very well himself, 2. Deku gets every freckle kissed every night (mom called freckles angel kisses), 3. Todoroki actually is able to boost dekus confidence, 4. The whole autism thing, deku helps todoroki understand emotions and empathy 5. Todoroki is massive emotional help for deku because of his hyper empathy, 6. Deku finds food that aren’t cold soba that todo will like the texture and temperature of for todoroki

Anonymous said:

Just gonna throw this out there - Tododeku as sleeping beauty. But the version where the “beauty” sleeps a hundred years and wakes up in a different world but falls in love with the prince who woke them up. The prince helps them with culture shock and also finds their great great nieces and nephews. (Honestly either one could be the “beauty”. Leaning more towards Shouto tho so he can balance out the sad of having his family gone with “fuck yeah my dads dead”)

Anonymous said:

I know we all talk about how much of a conspiracy theorist Todoroki is. But guess what? So is Midoryia. This is a hero fanatic that takes notes on his heroes and friends abilities and how they operate and you're telling me he doesn't come up with his own theories? That's why they are the ultimate power couple. They support one another's theories and everyone around them is at a lost

Anonymous said:

You know what I think about? That time Todoroki was deciding whether or not to use his fire during his fight with Bakugo, and just when he thinks he made a mistake in his previous match he hears Midoryia shouting “DONT GIVE UP” and just loses his shit. I mean yeah, at the end he still decided to not use it but like how’d you even hear Midoryia in that gigantic stadium where thousands of people are already screaming their heads off? This kid ended up crushing on his rival way too easily

Anonymous said:

I love how Shouto who appears calm cool and collected actually has zero chill like he heard All Might and Midoriya in the same sentence and decided that his rival (crush) was his faves secret child and that he was going to beat his rival (get his attention to show him how amazing he is) and then after they became friends he decided he was never going to leave his side ever again

Anonymous said:

Izuku having nightmares cause of what he's gone through and so he wakes up in the middle of the night and goes downstairs to make tea but Shouto is already down there cause he had a nightmare about Endeavor's abuse and the two of them are trying not to show they're upset so they can comfort their friend and it ends up with the two of them cuddling and crying together until they fall asleep for the rest of the class to find the next morning

Anonymous said:

Izuku and Katsuki are probably gonna intern with Shouto and Endeavor right? So I'm just imagining Izuku and Shouto flirting hardcore and Endeavor is like "my child and this kid?? wtf?!" and Katsuki is like "man you get used to it" and Endeavor wants to be FURIOUS with Shouto but can't cause then Izuku does something goofy or badass or anything at all and Shouto's entire face goes bright red and he smiles so fondly and softly and Endeavor is like "OH SHIT"

Anonymous said:

Vigilante quirkless Izuku who started at 14 when All Might said to give it up cause hes stubborn and was like imma prove you wrong and becomes pretty famous he runs into and possibly saves AM one night and AM was like "I should've just had you as my successor" and he takes Izuku under his wing then to train him (could also be tododeku cause Izuku fights alongside Shouto at some point or saves his life and tells him to fuck off and use his full power and Shouto falls in love right there)

Anonymous said:

Oooooo but its canon that Izuku is the one that Shouto smiles for and he just comes out and says it to all of 1a and Izuku is just so happy and flattered and in love when he realizes it and he gets all wide smiled and crinkly eyed and Shouto just falls in love even more

Anonymous said:

We don't see a lot of Toga and Todoroki confrontations when it comes to Deku in this fandom. I do have this fic in mind that Toga manages to steal Todoroki's blood cause she figured she could get close to Deku but Deku just automatically recognized that this wasnt his Todoroki. ALSO I'm pretty sure real Todoroki would be pissed if he found out how often Toga places herself ontop of Midoryia

Anonymous said:

During the whole Stain fight I figured Shoto didnt have the time to even notice. But when Izuku started showing off his moves in that class race after their internships, I loved his expression like, "omg how did I not process this beautiful site before me". Izuku comes in with a new suit, glowing neon green energy bolts surrounding him, his eyes also illuminate. And Shoto thinks about that a lot

Anonymous said:

Lmao Katsuki tryna get Shouto's attention about whatever and Shouto is just like "Izuku 😊💖" and Katsuki is like "STOP IGNORING ME" and Shouto is like "Izuku the wind really picked up huh? Kinda loud today?"

Anonymous said:

Izuku is teaching Shouto to cook and as you said has him peeling veggies at first right? So Shouto is like "I'm gonna be the best veggie peeler EVER" cause he wants to impress his man but he's too focused on Izuku and he cuts himself so he's all embarrassed and Izuku is like "OH NO SHOUTO ARE YOU OK" and so he cleans Shouto's cut and bandages it up and then he presses a small kiss to it and Shouto is DYING and Izuku is like "that's what my mom always does when I get hurt"

Anonymous said:

Shouto oversharing to Izuku during the Sports Festival and having Izuku see him as an equal and a rival and expecting him to be his best for no one but himself: "I really hope this doesn't awaken anything in me"

Anonymous said:

Shouto is like "You're my rival because you're All Might's successor!" and Izuku is like "Cool so you're one of my best friends now and how would you like to go to a date to kick some villain ass" and Shouto's like "......ok but next time we go on a date I get to choose and it's gonna be saving some asshole's life"

Anonymous said:

Sometimes (all the time) I think about how Izuku legit tore apart his body and broke half his bones just to help Shouto and show him he is way more than just endeavor and I AM SONBING RN 😭😭😭😭 WHAT DID WE DO TO GET 2 PURE BOYS FILLED WITH SO MUCH LOVE

Anonymous said:

Izuku and Shouto are each other's first kiss. Izuku googling how to kiss to make sure he does it right and even asking Katsuki (who he knew had kissed Kirishima at least once) for advice

[emberdune]

i have been tagged by a certain @corpsechic thank you lmao

nickname(s): cant think of any 

zodiac: cancer

height: around 177 or so, i dont know its different every time. 

last movie: finally watched Akira. it was pretty nice, i really liked the color palette  i feel like here i should share what sort of philosophical enlightenment it brought me but im not much of a thinker these days, it was entertaining i guess?

last thing i googled: “spider solitaire” lmao i never understood what that game was about when i was a kid but now i get it. i can only manage it in the easiest mode tho. 

fave musician(s): i used to really like early arcade fire and early portugal the man and sigur ros. nowadays? idk. i dont listen to much music anymore, sadly. 

song stuck in my head: this song of a french dude talking about eating pussy, or at least that’s what i think he’s talking about. to be honest i dont really understand what exactly he’s talking about but french songs are Just. Like. That sometimes. that or i really need to get better at this language because i am lost. i tried looking for explanations online but to no avail and its too embarrassing to ask anyone to explain lmao. it is kind of catchy i guess??? 

other blogs: uhhh i have blog for my film photos 

blogs following: 401 

amount of sleep: who even knows these days amirite? defnitely not a healthy amount that’s for sure

lucky number: 69 ? lmao idk i should get myself a lucky number some time

what i’m wearing: bathrobe

dream job: hmm i havent thought about that. ill try and find something. maybe by process of elimination. not an office job. not full-time. ideally something you do with your hands. i think this needs more thinking some other time, my brain’s blank atm 

dream trip: probably iceland. maybe finland? the people seem nice there. i think it would be nice to just do a little road trip with a little hiking and a lot of laughing with your little found family one day. aotearoa definitely, but i cant ever imagine flying that far.

fave foods: idk if its the brain that constantly needs stimulants thing but im really into sweet stuff. that said, a silly thing about me is that i dont ever try new food by myself, so i’m liable to eat only the things i know if im not put into situations where i discover new food. all of which is to say: i dont really know what i like, plus what i usually eat i just.. eat. you know. im neutral about it. i feel like all the answers are just repeating now 😔 

play an instrument: not really. i really want to learn to play piano but its just a lot of discipline that i dont have yet. my classmates in middle school all used to play some instrument or other. they’re a very successful band now apparently. i used to hang out with them during their garage rehearsals and they’d hype me up to join them on some instrument and i’d try and just 🧍 yknow

languages: oh i really like learning languages or rather learning about languages, maybe. anyway there’s my mother tongue that i’m gradually losing (girl help), then there’s russian that i’m rapidly losing, and im ok in french and english i guess. i used to be really good at them but yknow. entropy. i’ve been meaning to properly learn german for a few years now but i never get around to it. 

fave songs: the entire “hospice” album by the antlers, specifically “shiva” but all songs are good. fair warning tho, its just super sad. other than that i’m really blanking out. i should really listen to more music, old or otherwise. it’s embarrassing

random fact about me: it’s been a while but little kids in public really like approaching me for some reason, cats do the same thing sometimes. also i am or at least i used to be really good at calming down little crying babies (also drunk men). havent met any recently so i dont know if that is still true though

describe yourself by aesthetic things: not gonna lie i dont know what this means. if i have an aesthetic it’s sméagol 🤷‍♀️

thanks for the questions, it was kinda grounding tbh. in a good way 

im tagging @rotsward but only if you feel like it 

[lovedbyecto-a]

— boyfriend fnf headcanons!

- i dont have a name for him yet so im calling him ‘beef’ to seperate him from other boyfriends, however im very quickly becoming attached to that so. we’ll see what happens there.

- he hate hate haaaates silence 99% of the time, and hates when his only option is to listen to the world around him because that can just be. too much. or too weird. so he always has headphones! he even wears them to sleep at sleepovers because he cannot sleep without some kind of noise

- very high energy and loud and extroverted around people he already knows! gets a lil shy around new people, but if somebody he knows is there he’s a-okay!

- surprise! his first language is NOT english! he can understand you perfectly fine (most of the time) but its harder to speak and write. the language is confusing, okay? 

- he doesn’t speak a whole lot because he’s embarrassed about his accent, too. he’ll get excited if u know one of his first languages and will speak that with u! but english? he pronounces words weird, man.. embarrassing

- very often forgets words and makes new ones, resorts to one of his first languages, describes what he means in a new way, or goes through multiple other words that feel like maybe theyre right until he gets it. 

- mixed race! japanese and white, specifically french canadian!

- grew up learning both japanese and french, so yeah he’s got a weird accent. sometimes he cant pronounce h’s, sometimes he struggles with l’s, and he always hates ‘sound it out’ as a response when he doesn’t know how to pronounce a word.. have u SEEN french? u dont sound SHIT out in french.

- fuck you * has google translate read his sentence outloud * 

- if you’ve shown patience with him while he struggles to make words work ONCE, then he is in love with you

- music transcends language!!! that’s part of why he loves it so much :) you dont need to understand the lyrics to bop!

- bop .. beep bop... its all coming together

- transed his gender :)

- tried to do that cool trick you do with drumsticks where you toss one up in a twirl then catch it then keep going- but with a microphone. it did not work. he had to pay for a new microphone. his pockets still hurt when he thinks about it

- had a garage band in high school that he really thought would go places until they all bailed on him :( they performed at a few house shows but thats it. some say you can still find their music on bandcamp...

- borderline shits his pants every time somebody new challenges him to a rap battle because what the fuck is that?

- but he’s brave bcs gf is with him and if gf is with him he can do anything!

- yes he’s always drawn his bravery from other people, just like he does stupid teen boy stuff to try and impress people. its like when you cant ask for ketchup for yourself but when your friend gets pickles on their burger w no pickles, you step up and get that burger w no damn pickles. you still have no ketchup tho.

- he can laugh at himself very easily! falls up the stairs? funny. makes a big mistake (That doesnt hurt people)? woah haha oops! the only time he doesnt is when his accent fucks him up bcs thats just frustrating

- will very happily teach you french or japanese but youre learning it through song and rap battles 

- * squinting aggressively in the sun * i wish i had sunglasses or smth * is literally wearing a hat, just backwards *

- absolute ball of sunshine idk what to tell you. next to nothing can bring him down! at least not genuinely, he can get disappointed and play it up but he bounces back really fast

- horknee (considering blueballs is in his defeat animation i dont think this is a headcanon so much as its me acknowledging that he just really wants to bone)

- has already made a sex joke, probably

- types really properly when writing in english because he wants to get it right

- cant dance, but dont tell him that

[calumcest]

you and i were fireworks that went off too soon - chapter four

[ao3]

ok remember when i said this isnt going to be a long fic and now here we are at like 26k. never listen to me when i say anything is the moral of the story here clearly ! also i promise you i have an actual plot in mind we’re getting there i’m just very slow-burny with this but please dont think every chapter is going to be more of the same and get bored i promise you it is actually going somewhere in the next chapter

also tw: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Luke’s week is filled with research. 

He wakes up with bated breath, checking the tattoo in his bathroom mirror just to see whether it’s grown any more but still unable to breathe easy when he finds it hasn’t. The black ink bleeding across his pale skin makes his heart twist every time he sees it - it’s a beautiful reminder of the most terrible time of his life. Luke’s pretty sure he didn’t really understand the meaning of the word bittersweet until the tattoo appeared on his shoulderblade. 

Every spare moment of his day is spent reading scientific reports with words that he has to Google and make his head hurt. He scrolls through pages and pages of studies looking for any explanation of tattoo growth that isn’t it’s going to grow indefinitely unless you sort something out with Ashton, which seems to be what the London study was concluding. He looks into people who don’t have tattoos, into people whose tattoos are unfinished, into people whose soulmates have died, into people whose soulmates are violent criminals (which makes Luke feel a little melodramatic, for the first time, because there are people who actually want to be with their soulmate but find out their soulmate’s a serial killer, while Luke’s all torn up about his just because he broke Luke’s heart). He reads journal after journal detailing research into how the tattoos form, how they grow, what happens on people’s eighteenth birthdays, but nothing mentions the tattoos growing after that point. Everything seems to start and stop on people’s eighteenth birthdays.

Calum and Michael help, because of course they do. Lunchtimes and evenings are spent huddled around phones and computers, occasional mumbles of “This one says...oh, wait, no, never mind,” punctuating the silence. Luke’s not sure whether the lack of information on tattoo growth should make him feel better or worse, give him hope or discourage him, but it kind of manages to do both. 

The following Tuesday, Michael decides to suggest something they’ve all been thinking, but none of them have wanted to say, because uncertainty might be better than its potential consequences. 

“You should email the researchers,” he says. He doesn’t need to say which ones, even though they’ve looked into endless researchers over the past week. Luke sighs, and lets his eyes flutter shut. He knows. They all know. 

“I know,” he says. “I should.” He can hear the trepidation in his own voice. 

“We can write it together,” Calum says, rubbing at his eyes, because he’s been staring at screens on Luke’s behalf since the minute he woke up. 

“What do I even say?” Luke says, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “‘Hi, my soulmate is my archnemesis and my tattoo grew, tell me how to stop it?’” 

“Archnemesis?” Michael says, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Well, who else would my archnemesis be?” 

“Whoever originally named Clifford?” Calum offers. 

“Hey,” Michael says, pointing at Calum accusingly. “That might be your surname one day.” Calum scoffs. 

“Calum Clifford? Are you insane?” 

“What, like Michael Hood is any better?” 

“Not my fault you have a shitty name,” Calum says, with a shrug. Michael makes a noise of outrage, like he’s gearing himself up for a point-evidence-explain destruction of Calum’s point, and Luke busies himself with opening up his email. The idea of Calum and Michael getting married is more than enough to bring that bitter taste back into his mouth, to make him have to forcibly quash down envy and sadness and anger. Calum seems to sense it, because he shoots Michael a look and turns back to Luke. 

“Have you got their email?” he asks. Luke clicks back onto the report that he hasn’t shut for over a week, scrolls to the bottom and nods. 

“What do I say?” he asks. His stomach is churning, already nervous for the response to the email of which he hasn’t even typed a single word yet. He might not even get a response, he tells himself. They’re busy people. They might not have time to read their emails. Or maybe ‘themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com’ is embarrassing enough to get sent straight to junk mail. 

“Describe the situation,” Michael says, scratching Clifford behind his ears. Clifford almost purrs, leaning into Michael’s touch. “Say you dated, and it didn’t work out, and you both know you’re soulmates but given that you’ve tried it and it didn’t work you’re not sure why your tattoo has grown.” Luke nods, typing as Michael speaks. 

“It might help if you gave the reason,” Calum says, a little tentative. Luke’s fingers hesitate over the keyboard. “I mean, like, if you specifically say Ashton fell out of love. That’s got to mean something, right, given that they’re soulmate tattoos?” Luke hesitates another moment, considering - he’s not really a big fan of sharing all this personal information, but Calum’s right, he might get a more accurate answer the more he shares - before nodding and typing. 

From: <themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com> To: <c.r.johnson@ucl.ac.uk>, <j.m.newbury@ucl.ac.uk>  Subject: Soulmate Tattoo Growth

Dear Mr Johnson and Ms Newbury,

I recently stumbled across your soulmate tattoo growth study and was hoping you could provide some insight into my own situation. My soulmate and I dated prior to the tattoos appearing, which ended due to him falling out of love with me. Both of us are aware that we are soulmates, and we have had a conversation about what this means for us and ultimately decided to remain apart. However, since this conversation, and having had a chance meeting, both of our tattoos have grown. Given that we have already dated and it did not work out, I am looking for an explanation and, if possible, a method for preventing it growing any further. 

Yours sincerely,

Luke Hemmings

He reads it out to Michael and Calum, who both nod thoughtfully. 

“Sounds good,” Calum says. Michael nods his agreement. Luke presses send before he can reconsider, and then slams his laptop shut and stands up, stretching. Clifford jumps off Michael’s lap and runs over to Luke, wagging his tail. 

“Thanks for helping me,” Luke says, bending down to pat Clifford’s head and trying his best to push the email out of his head. There’s nothing he can do about it now, he tells himself, willing the knot of anxiety in his stomach to loosen.

“Don’t worry, we didn’t do it for free,” Michael reassures him. 

“We’ll be calling in this favour at some point,” Calum adds. 

“As long as it’s not for doing the Wellson report for Chris,” Luke says, cracking his back and relishing the way it makes Michael wince. Calum winces too, but Luke thinks that’s probably more to do with the Wellson report than his back. “Fuck, I can’t be arsed to cook. Pizza?” 

“Why even bother phrasing that as a question with him in here?” Calum says in exasperation, nodding at Michael as Michael’s eyes light up. 

“Fuck you,” Michael says, but there’s no heat behind the words and he’s already pulled his phone out. “Arty’s?” Calum and Luke nod, because where else would they order from, and Luke flops back onto the sofa with a heavy sigh. 

“I’m not letting you bring a Hawaiian pizza into my house, though,” Luke warns Michael. Michael blinks innocently at him. 

“Hi, I’d like to order three pizzas,” he says, maintaining eye contact with Luke. “Two pepperoni, and one with ham and pineapple.” Luke rolls his eyes and flips him off. “Oh, is that a Hawaiian? I had no idea. Yes, just one, please.” 

“Dickhead,” Luke says, and Michael smiles at him sweetly as he flips him off in return. 

 -------

 On Friday, Luke oversleeps. 

That’s not particularly out of the ordinary, except this time, Luke really oversleeps. Like, he-should-be-at-his-desk-by-the-time-he-gets-out-of-bed kind of oversleeping. 

He swears under his breath as he fumbles with his phone, firing off a text to Calum to cover for him if Phil happens to walk into their office and ask where he is, and tries to pull his clothes on as he’s brushing his teeth. He doesn’t have time to check whether or not he’s got everything he needs, just tears out of the house and sprints all the way to the station. There’s a train to Central idling at the platform, looking like it could close its doors any minute, so Luke legs it onto the nearest carriage, swinging himself into the first empty set of seats he can find and trying to catch his breath. 

The train doors close about twenty seconds later, when Luke’s breathing is starting to even out, but Luke barely notices, already engrossed in his phone. He’s so engrossed in sending Calum a text to say he’s on his way, in fact, that he doesn’t notice someone looming over him, until he hears a “Luke?” that startles him into looking up. His face drops into a scowl almost immediately as his stomach plummets, because what the fuck. 

It’s Ashton fucking Irwin. 

Again. 

“What the fuck?” Luke says, not sure whether he’s saying it in surprise or anger. 

“Hi,” Ashton says, and he’s definitely just surprised. “You’re not usually here.” 

“I woke up late,” Luke says, even though he doesn’t owe Ashton an explanation for his movements. 

“Can I sit down?” 

“No,” Luke says, because it’s early, he’s frazzled, and he’s late for work. “The train is empty. Sit somewhere else.” 

“We should talk,” Ashton says, which seems to be, like, the only fucking sentence he’s capable of saying. 

“About?” Ashton stares at him like he’s an idiot. 

“Uh, the tattoos growing?” he says, and, yeah, okay. That’s kind of fair. Luke had hung up on Ashton mid-conversation, after all, and then sent off an email about their situation to some researchers without telling him. 

“Fine,” Luke says, indicating the seat opposite him with one hand and placing his phone on the table between them with the other. Ashton slides into the seat opposite him, raking a hand through his black hair, and Luke can’t help the way his eyes are drawn to Ashton’s biceps with the movement. He’s definitely more muscular than he’d been the last time Luke had seen him. Well, not the last time, but the last-last time. Actually, it’s the last-last-last time, now. Luke doesn’t like that.  

“I’ve been looking it up,” Ashton begins, and Luke waves him away. 

“The London study?” he says, cutting to the chase, because he really doesn’t want to talk to Ashton any longer than he has to. Ashton bites his lip, and nods. “Yeah. I emailed them.” He waits for the frown, for the you told them? Luke, I really would have liked to have been part of that decision, but it never comes. 

“Me too,” Ashton says. Luke frowns. It’s hypocritical, but that doesn’t sit well with him. It makes his skin crawl, that Ashton’s emailed them too, because he’s probably spun the story in a way that makes him sound better. 

“What did you say?” Luke says, a little sharply. Ashton shrugs, but Luke sees the edge of tension in his posture. He pushes down the discomfort that arises at the realisation that he still knows Ashton’s mannerisms, that the little twist of his mouth means he’s uncomfortable about something. 

“I told them the truth,” Ashton says. 

“The truth?” Luke says, arching an eyebrow. “Or your truth?” 

“I told them my side of the story,” Ashton says, which means he’s given them this whole I was just scared of commitment, I still loved you bullshit, with maybe a smidge of I tried to win my soulmate back over but he wasn’t having it. “Wait, what did you say?” 

“That you fell out of love with me.” Ashton stares at him for a moment, and then shakes his head. 

“Fuck,” he says, and Luke thinks that summarises it pretty aptly. “Have you heard back?” Luke shrugs. He never really checks his non-work emails - it’s usually full of junk he signed up to ten years ago and has never been bothered to unsubscribe from. 

“Haven’t looked,” he says. 

“I haven’t,” Ashton says, even though Luke hadn’t asked. 

“Good for you.” Ashton bites his lip, like he wants to say something else, but then sinks back into his seat, like he’s thought better of it. Luke’s glad - this morning has been shitty enough without having another lengthy conversation with Ashton about their feelings, or whatever. 

Ten minutes pass, and Luke unlocks his phone to do something, anything other than give Ashton any indication that he’s open to another conversation, ending up playing Tetris and shielding it from Ashton’s view so it looks like he’s possibly texting a cute guy, or something. He’s actually doing pretty well, getting close to beating his high score, when Ashton says: “What’s yours?” 

“Huh?” Luke says, momentarily distracted. He drops the piece in the wrong place, and swears under his breath. Fucking Ashton. 

“What did you get?” Ashton presses. “When it grew?” 

“Spot,” Luke says. 

“Oh,” Ashton says, in a small voice, like it’s an answer he hadn’t wanted to hear. That piques Luke’s interest, despite himself. 

“Why?” 

“I- uh.” Ashton looks out of the window at the grey buildings bathed in summer sun. “Mine’s your dog. Clifford.” 

“Right,” Luke says slowly, because he feels like he’s missing something here. 

“Do you think-” Ashton says, and then cuts himself off, biting his lip. 

“Do I think what , Ashton?” Luke says, a touch irritably. Ashton shrugs, and Luke’s about ready to throttle him. “Spit it out, Jesus Christ. I don’t have time for this.” 

“It’s just- we got them after meeting in the dog park,” Ashton says, all in a rush. “Do you think it’s going to happen every time we bump into each other?” Luke blinks at him. 

“What, you think I’m going to get a fucking train on my back now?” he says sarcastically. 

“I don’t know,” Ashton says thoughtfully, completely ignoring Luke’s sarcasm. It makes Luke’s blood boil a little bit, that Ashton’s disregarding him like that, and he clenches his teeth. Professional. Arm’s length. No emotion. “But it seems a bit coincidental, doesn’t it?” 

“No,” Luke says, through gritted teeth. “There’s only so many things about you the universe could turn into a tattoo. Spot’s one of them.” 

“What if whenever we see each other-” 

“Jesus, Ashton, it doesn’t matter ‘what if’, because we’re not going to see each other anymore, are we?” Luke snaps. “I think I’ve made myself pretty clear.” Ashton looks a little taken aback, blinking at Luke. 

“Luke,” he says slowly, patronisingly, like Luke’s a child that needs something obvious explaining to him, as the train starts to slow down. Luke’s going to dust off his old boxing skills and break Ashton’s nose. “We broke up two years ago. How many times did we see each other in those two years?” 

“None, until a month ago, which is what I fucking wa-” 

“Exactly,” Ashton says calmly, cutting Luke off. The train judders to a halt, as Luke stares at Ashton furiously, trying to work out what he’s saying. He’s so fucking full of himself, honestly - exactly, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? He’s always liked speaking in tongues, making himself feel intelligent, like he’s better than Luke- “This is your stop, isn’t it?” 

Luke grinds his teeth, but Calum can only stave Phil off for so long, so he gets up and gathers his things together, grabbing his phone and bag and getting up while counting down from ten in his head to stop himself saying something he regrets. 

“Bye,” Ashton calls, when Luke rounds the corner to the doors, like they’re fucking friends. 

“Go fuck yourself,” Luke spits back, earning himself a shocked look from the guy he shoulders past to get off the train. It’s not professional, it’s not arm’s length, and it’s definitely not devoid of emotion, but fuck, it feels good. 

 -------

 “What the fuck crawled up your arse?” Calum asks, when Luke snaps at him for the fifth time in about half an hour. Luke sighs, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

“Ashton was on my train this morning.” 

“What?” Calum’s irritability is suddenly replaced with pure shock. “Is he stalking you?” 

“Possibly,” Luke says. “God. I fucking hate him, Cal.” 

“What’d he do?” 

“He always thinks he’s better than me,” Luke says angrily. “Like, he’s always been the one that’s into philosophy, reads seven hundred newspapers every morning, does yoga and reads religious texts and all that, and he’s always looked down on me for not doing that, like that somehow makes me less intelligent than him. He talks to me like I’m a fucking kid , talks to me in riddles because he likes it when I have to ask him what he means, likes the fucking power trip-” 

“Hey,” Calum says, cutting Luke off, and Luke stops, breathing heavily. “I know.” 

“I hate him,” Luke says again, but it’s smaller this time, and he feels tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. Jesus. He’s so over crying over Ashton Irwin. 

“I know,” Calum repeats, gentle and calm. “You want to get some fresh air?” Luke doesn’t, really, because it’s about thirty-five degrees outside and it’s hot enough in the air-conditioned office, but he nods anyway. Calum scrapes his chair back and follows Luke out of the office, down the stairs to the fire exit that Chris had disabled the alarm from so that he could go out to smoke and only told Calum and Luke about, and Luke gulps down breaths of the muggy December air as soon as they’re outside. It helps to ground him, feeling the hot breeze stealing across his face, and he closes his eyes and tilts his head into the bright afternoon sun, letting spots dance across the inside of his eyelids. 

“What’d he say?” Calum asks, after a few minutes have passed and Luke’s breathing is steady and even. 

“Some fucking bullshit,” Luke mumbles. “He got Clifford, and apparently that means something, because we didn’t see each other for two years. Like, what the fuck is that, a cryptic crossword clue? Does he think I work for ASIS?” There’s a pause, and then the pause becomes too long to be comfortable, and Luke cracks open an eyelid. Calum’s staring at him, something between shock and horror etched across his features. “What?” 

“Jesus, Luke,” Calum says. “Fuck.”

“What, Cal, I’ve fucking had it with this cryptic bullshi-” 

“What if the tattoos are going to grow every time you bump into each other?” Calum says. 

“Yeah, Calum, I got that, I’m not that fucking stupid,” Luke says, exasperated. “He said that, but I pointed out that it doesn’t matter either way, because I’m not going to see him.” 

“That’s exactly his point,” Calum says. “You haven’t seen him in two years, and now you bump into him twice in the space of a couple of weeks.” And, oh. 

Oh.

Oh. 

“What the fuck?” Luke demands, because he can’t think of anything better that sums up all the thoughts racing through his mind right now. 

“I mean, think about it,” Calum says slowly, a little hesitantly, like Luke’s about to bite his head off. 

(Luke might bite his head off.) 

“I’m thinking,” Luke says, and it comes out almost a growl. 

“The tattoos, they come fr- well, we think they must come from the universe, right? So what if the universe is pulling the strings so you’re bumping into each other now?” Luke stares at him in disbelief. 

“That’s the worst theory I’ve ever heard,” he says after a moment. “If the universe was pulling any fucking strings it wouldn’t have let me and Ashton date in the first place, and it definitely wouldn’t have let Ashton break up with me in a way that nearly made me kill myself.” 

The words ring harsh in the thick December air, and Luke wants to claw them back as soon as they leave his lips. It’s an unspoken rule that they don’t talk about it, they don’t say that Luke nearly killed himself over Ashton. They can allude to it, make polite euphemisms, but they don’t say it. 

“Luke,” Calum says, and his tone is soft, and Luke doesn’t want his pity. 

“No, Cal,” Luke says, and it’s a little too harsh. “Sorry.” Calum tries to protest, but Luke cuts in first- “No, I’m sorry. I’m just- it’s not been a good day, but that doesn’t mean I get to take it out on you. I know you’re only trying to help. I just...I’m sorry. Let’s not talk about it.” He exhales, raking a hand through his hair, and Calum puts a hand on his forearm. 

“Hey,” he says, calm, reassuring. “It’s okay, Luke.” 

It’s not, Luke thinks, as he tries for a weak smile. It’s not okay, because it’s Ashton, and he doesn’t know when it’s going to be okay again. 

 -------

 A text arrives from Ashton when Luke’s packing up to leave. 

Ashton Irwin I was right. 

Luke blocks his number. 

 -------

 Luke changes his routine, after that. 

Blocking Ashton’s number made him feel kind of worse, kind of jumpier and leaves a twist somewhere deep in his gut which he doesn’t really understand, so he unblocks him after a bottle of red wine on Saturday night. He steadfastly refuses to look in the mirror, though, because the more he’s been thinking about Calum’s (and, he supposes, Ashton’s) conspiracy theory, the more it seems to root itself in his mind, twining itself around all of his thoughts. It’s just easier not to think about it, to focus on the fourteen thousand other things he has to do and ignore the way his back feels like it’s on fire whenever he devotes any attention to it. 

He finally checks his emails on Sunday evening. He’s got twenty minutes before he needs to be at Calum’s, so he figures it’s a good time to see whether the researchers have got back to him since he can’t sit and freak out about it, and he’s got Clifford curled up on his lap serenely, so he feels grounded enough to look.

There’s a bunch of shit, as he’d expected, and he sits with his finger on the backspace key for about five minutes, deleting all the Nike subscription list emails (why the fuck do they send out so many?), until one catches his eye. 

RE: Soulmate Tattoo Growth  

Luke’s palms are immediately slick with sweat, heart pounding in every inch of his body as he clicks the email open. Clifford rolls over in his lap with a small whine, resting his head on Luke’s thigh, like he can sense Luke’s anxiety. 

From: <c.r.johnson@ucl.ac.uk> To: <themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com> Cc: <j.m.newbury@ucl.ac.uk>  RE: Soulmate Tattoo Growth

Dear Mr Hemmings, 

Thank you very much for your email. Apologies for the length of time it took to send a response, but as you can imagine we are currently inundated with queries. 

Your case is of particular interest to us. Though we cannot currently provide you with any concrete answers, there are many elements to your particular situation which we would like to explore and perhaps discover answers to, if you would be willing to be a part of our study. I will attach both mine and my colleague’s contact details should you decide to take us up on our offer. 

We believe your soulmate contacted us too, and we have made the same offer to him. 

Kind regards, 

Colin Johnson  

Beneath the email are two sets of phone numbers, emails and addresses to a university in London. 

Luke swallows, hard. It’s far from the answer he had wanted, although he’d known deep down that expecting a don’t worry, everything will be fine response had been wishful thinking on a new level. He’d never expected them to want to study him, though, to be reduced to some kind of scientific experiment. Something about that doesn’t sit quite right with him. 

He closes his laptop, not wanting to think about it anymore, and tips Clifford off his lap. 

“C’mon, Cliff,” he says. “Let’s go to Calum’s.” 

 -------

 “You’re a fucking cheat,” Michael yells, when Calum scores again, and Luke can’t help laughing at the look of pure outrage on his face as he rounds on Calum. “How the fuck did you do that? How the fuck did you do that?” He’s shaking his controller in Calum’s face, but Calum just laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“Pure talent,” he says, grinning at Michael. Michael scoffs, somehow managing to sound furious while doing it. 

“You’re cheating,” he insists, and Calum laughs harder, curling in on himself on the sofa. “Luke, help me out.” Luke holds his hands up, laughing as he shakes his head. “You fucking bastard. What do I keep you around for if not to gang up on Calum with me?” 

“To stare at my arse,” Luke says, because Michael stares at his arse a lot. 

“You do stare at his arse a lot,” Calum tells Michael. Michael squawks, incensed. 

“You’re not allowed to gang up on me!” he says indignantly. “Cliff, you’re on my side, right? You think Cal’s a dirty cheat, don’t you?” Clifford just stares up at Michael, wagging his tail happily. “He thinks you’re a dirty cheat, Cal.” 

“That’s funny,” Calum says conversationally, “because I think he was actually saying Mike, you’re a sore loser?” 

“I heard something that sounded like Michael’s just not very good at Fifa?” Luke adds innocently. Calum nods, mock-thoughtful. 

“I’m pretty sure that was in there somewhere,” he agrees. 

“Fuck you both,” Michael says, glaring at each of them in turn. “I’m good at Fifa. I’ve been playing it since Fifa 06.” 

“On the fucking Wii, Mike, that doesn’t count,” Luke says. 

“Maybe Fifa 22 just isn’t for you,” Calum says with a shrug, eyes gleaming. 

“They’re all the fucking same, Calu-” Michael starts, before he seems to realise what Calum’s suggesting. “Fuck you, fucking-” He doesn’t finish his sentence, choosing instead to launch himself at Calum, who squeals, laughter turning to gasps for air and frantic pleas of stop, please, Mikey, please, stop, Luke, help me. Luke takes a wary step back - there’s no telling who Michael’s going to attack when he feels slighted by both of them, and Luke’s even more ticklish than Calum, so he’s not taking any chances, thank you very much. 

Eventually, Michael relents, and Calum wheezes, red-faced and panting, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. Michael sits back, pushing his fringe out of his face with a satisfied look on his face. 

“Fuck you,” Calum manages, gazing at the ceiling. Michael grins. 

“If you ask nicely,” he says. Luke pulls a face.

“See if I ever suck your dick again,” Calum says, still speaking to the ceiling, and Luke can’t help the choked noise that escapes his throat. Calum pulls his head up, like he’s just remembered Luke’s there, and Michael’s grin widens at the horrified look on Luke’s face. 

“Okay,” Luke says, as Calum struggles to push himself back into a seated position on the sofa. “Ground rules. I don’t want to hear about your sex life.” Michael rolls his eyes, still grinning. 

“Prude,” he says, but he doesn’t mean it. Luke just flips him off. 

“Can I lay a ground rule?” Calum says. “Michael has to admit he’s bad at Fifa before I consider making you all dinner.” Michael crosses his arms. 

“Firstly, that’s not a ground rule,” he says. 

“I’m not taking criticism,” Calum says. 

“Secondly,” Michael continues breezily, like Calum had never spoken, “I respect you too much to lie to you.” 

“Good, because I’m starving,” Luke says, looking at Michael expectantly. Michael scowls. 

“Let’s settle this in a real football match,” Calum says. “Five a side next Saturday.” Michael doesn’t look too keen on the idea, and even Luke hesitates. 

“It’s fucking December, Cal,” he says. “I’m going to keel over from heatstroke after twenty minutes.” 

“You’re going to keel over from heatstroke?” Michael says. “I’m probably not going to even make it onto the pitch.” 

“Hey,” Calum says. “You both owe me favours. I’m calling them in.”

“What fucking favour do I owe you?” Michael says indignantly. 

“You know,” Calum says pointedly. 

“I don’t,” Michael says. Calum’s making a face at him, one that Luke doesn’t have to be his soulmate to read, a you know what I’m talking about, get the hint, I can’t say it in front of Luke. 

“Yes, you do,” Calum says, eyes flicking to Luke. Michael follows his gaze, and then realisation dawns on his face. 

“Oh,” he says, sounding distinctly annoyed about it. “Fine. But I’m only playing one half.” 

“I don’t owe you any favours,” Luke says confidently, when Calum’s gaze slides over to him. 

“Think again,” Calum says, grinning. “I told you I don’t help with emails for free.” Luke groans. 

“That was a joke,” he says. 

“Nope,” Calum says cheerfully. “Five a side. Saturday. Ten o’clock.” 

“Ten?” Luke’s not sure who sounds more scandalised, him or Michael. 

“Ten,” Calum confirms, and Luke’s own groan is drowned out by Michael’s. 

 -------

 On Tuesday, Luke finally snaps. 

He’s somehow managed to pull his pyjama top off in his sleep, finding it discarded and drenched in sweat on the floor when he wakes up. There’s no point putting it back on, because it’s fucking boiling, so he just pads into the bathroom shirtless, yawning and scratching his arm. 

He brushes his teeth, washes his face, puts on his moisturiser, and then turns to wipe his hands clean - and catches a flash of black ink as he does so. 

Wet hands forgotten, he turns back to the mirror, staring at himself. He watches his own blue eyes blink back at him as he weighs up his options. He could keep ignoring it, pretending it’s not there, and he’d probably be okay at it, for a while. He could probably go another few weeks pretending nothing’s happened, distracting himself like he has been for the past five days - especially with Christmas just around the corner - but, when he’s honest with himself, he knows it’d always be there, at the back of his mind. 

It can’t hurt to look, he tells his reflection. Mirror Luke just blinks at him, looking lost and confused, frown lines that weren’t there eight months ago etched into his forehead. It can’t hurt to look, because it won’t change anything. Whatever is there is there, whether or not Luke’s aware of it. His ignorance won’t make it go away, or stop it changing. 

Taking a deep breath, he steels himself, keeping his eyes locked on his reflection, and turns around.

He immediately sees four numbers in an arc above the moon, and his heart sinks. 09:47. 

He’s not entirely sure what the numbers mean, but he can hazard a guess. With one final glance at the tattoo, now taking up a large portion of his shoulderblade, he turns back and grabs his phone off the sink, scrolling back through his conversation with Calum to Friday morning. 

Me I’m on the train. 

He remembers sending that text. He’d sent it just as the train had started pulling out of the station, just before Ashton had appeared. With trembling fingers - which, okay, he thinks is fair given the situation he’s in - he swipes to the left on the message to see the timestamp. 

09:47am. 

The numbers blink back at him, grey on white, like they don’t know they’ve just confirmed something that cannot, cannot be true. 

Luke cannot have his two options be work something out with Ashton or become a canvas for Ashton. There’s got to be a third option, a get-out-of-jail-free clause, something that isn’t telling him he’s either doomed to spend eternity with the last person he ever wants to see again, or become a mess of black ink and have his body display Ashton rather than being his own. 

He barely even knows what he’s doing until the phone is at his ear. 

“You finally looked?” Ashton says, and Luke hates it, hates that Ashton knows he’s tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. 

“It can’t be right,” Luke says, voice too loud in the small bathroom, bouncing off all the tiles and feeding back into his own ears. 

“What’s yours?” 

“The time the train left,” Luke says, and his voice sounds a little shaky. He hopes Ashton can’t hear the tremors. 

“Mine’s the time it arrived,” Ashton says, even though Luke hadn’t asked, he never fucking asks, because he doesn’t want to know. 

“Shit,” Luke says, and he hears a quiet whine and some scratching at the bathroom door. He doesn’t have the energy to let Clifford in though, can barely even keep himself upright, steadying himself on the sink with the hand that isn’t clutching his phone.

“I know,” Ashton says. “Did they email you back?” Luke doesn’t have to ask who they are, just nods, numbly. 

“Yeah,” he says. 

“Do you want to do it?” 

Luke hesitates. He hadn’t thought about Ashton even giving him a chance - he’d assumed Ashton would say whatever Ashton said, and Luke would say whatever Luke said. He hadn’t considered their answers not being separate. 

“I don’t know,” he says truthfully. 

“Okay,” Ashton says. “I mean. It’s a big decision.” 

“I know, Ashton,” Luke says, frustrated that this is what Ashton wants to focus on, like they don’t have bigger things to worry about, like Luke’s skin becoming a museum to Ashton Fletcher Irwin. “I just- I don’t have time to think about it right now, okay?” 

“Hey,” Ashton says, voice kind, gentle, soothing. “It’s okay. You’re okay. We’ll get through this.” 

A sudden wave of calmness surges through Luke’s veins, loosening his lungs, his heart, his mind. It’s like nothing Luke’s ever felt before, like falling asleep when he’s comfortably tired and waking up slowly and the sensation of the sun on his skin all at the same time. 

It’s the scariest fucking thing Luke’s ever experienced in his life. 

“Jesus Christ,” he gasps out, heart constricting, lungs tightening, mind narrowing, and he stabs the ‘end call’ button as he sinks to the floor. His phone clatters onto the tiles, and Luke vaguely registers that it’s probably cracked, and the whining and scratching outside the door is getting louder and louder and Luke can’t fucking think, can’t fucking breathe because everything is Ashton, and nothing is Luke. Everything is Ashton, like he’s twenty-four all over again, sobbing on this bathroom floor after throwing up God knows how much alcohol. 

It’s that thought that focuses him, sobers him, pulls him back to reality and away from his racing mind, because he’s not going to do that this time. Ashton’s taken enough from him, taken love and happiness and tears and almost his fucking life, and Luke’s not going to do that this time. 

His vision swims back into relative clarity as he focuses on his breathing like his therapist always said - in, hold, out; in, hold, out - and he wrestles himself to his knees to pull down the door handle. As soon as there’s a crack in the door, Clifford’s racing through, and Luke releases the door handle with a bang and falls back against the bathtub as Clifford climbs all over him, still whining, licking every inch of Luke’s skin. Luke wraps his arms around him, and Clifford carries on licking, warm and rough against Luke’s skin. It grounds him, reminding him that he’s here, he’s alive, he’s got Clifford to look after, he’s got the cool bathtub pressed uncomfortably against his spine. His shaky breathing evens out, and he feels colour returning to his face. Clifford begins to settle a little, only licking at Luke’s chin, and when Luke thinks about the fact that he’s now going to have to shower and be late for work the tightness in his chest loosens a little. 

Work. That’s a safe thought. That’s somewhere Ashton can never touch him. That’s all Luke. 

Luke sets Clifford down, much to Clifford’s discontent, and gets to his feet, a little unsteady. He pulls his phone off the floor with him - great, there’s a new crack running smoothly from the top left corner to the middle of the right hand side of the screen - and unlocks it, typing out a message to Michael and Calum with only slightly trembling fingers. 

Me I think I just had my first soulmate experience.

taglist: @glitterlukey @hey-its-grey 

chapter five

[viktormaru]

a super post on some kakashi and sakumo meta

Alright lets do this

BOOKS?? idk is there any connection how lil Sass and Strict Kakashi somehow ends up to porn?? did he accidentally read the word 'boob' in one of Sakumos books and was forever tainted.

According to Naruto Online, Kakashi starts reading Jiraiya’s books at age 18. So what I think happened is well ... puberty. Kakashi shows a bit of an interesting in reading early on so we can assume he was already into books. But then I imagine that like... he hit puberty at around 14 but things were still a mess back then, seeing minato dies then and so on so Kakashi never had a chance to process those things properly. But then time passes, he’s ANBU and he needs to do something whenever he’s stuck on the village be it to recover or simply because he has no missions. He’s gotta isolate himself and Gai keeps giving him frowny looks at the depressing books he has so he goes to the bookstore to get a new one and its like... he bumps into some sales and oh.. its Jiraiya’s book... Kakashi knows Jiraiya. And he opens the thing and goes red. Glances around and its like, his whole new set of hormones make themselves very known and Kakashi buys the thing and reads it alone and is super embarrassed but LOVES it. Its so different from everything else his read he cannot stop reading it. Travel fowards a little and Kakashi notices he can use it to troll other people so he starts reading it in public.

Do you think Sakumo brought Kakashi along on missions a lot? Lower ranked missions, as bonding and training? And and, because the leaf village doesn't vet these things, one of those D/C missions actually turns out much more dangerous than intended and Sakumo has to teach Kakashi how to kill much earlier than he intended to, which is partially why Kakashi is desensitized to violence until the one dead is his dad

Yes! I think at first Sakumo would bring Kakashi along because he didn’t trust anyone with the baby (and he was paranoid the kid would die if he got too far away ever since his wife died) so kakashi is a mandatory company for any missions within the village. It becomes a habit and when Kakashi’s curious eyes just swept over anything Sakumo did , he found it cute. And then Kakashi started to try to copy what Sakumo did and proved that maybe he could do those things as well. So sakumo takes him along as a learning experience and just a way to spend time with him (sakumo is not good at Dad-ing in his own opinion but he’d good at ninja-ing, so if he can teach kakashi how to ninja, he will). And yes, I can see missions going south and Sakumo having to teach Kakashi about life and death, about in the shinobi world sometimes its you or them, and Kakashi having to process it the best way he can. Kakashi knows early on that poorly trained shinobi are dead shinobi.

Opinions on animals that are not dogs?? Are they okay with cats or do they Dislike because of the cat v dog natural fight

They are probably ok with other animals, including cats. Dogs are just their favorites. Also, Kakashi might be a dog lover but he’s sure cat-like often! Gotta stick with the pack though, dogs number 1.

What was Sakumo's relationship with the ninken?

With his own or Kakashi’s? I love the idea that Sakumo had a pack of wolves that he called The Ladies (read that on a fic but can’t remember it now). Just a bunch of amazing wolves that Sakumo respects a lot (hes the babiest of them all, they call him soft). If you mean Kakashi’s... idk if like... 5 years old is an age in which summoning is possible but I think Sakumo would love them as his own children as well (in a way).

What did Kakashi tell his dad in the afterlife?

Tales of team minato at first! Sakumo would have loved clumsy obito, kind rin and the lovely Minato. He tries to tell him happy stories. He goes over the sad stories and the losses and he tells him about Gai, about how sakumo had been right and how Gai really has made a difference. He tells about team 7 and their potential. He talks about himself and about how much he’s changed from the little girl he used to be and he hopes he could be something his father could be proud of. 

Did Sakumo attend PTA meetings

*googles PTA*

AH

Well, he had to when they decided to boost Kakashi through the ranks. Sakumo was shitting his pants in fear thinking something might have happened to Kakashi or some trouble was stirred with the kids but then they were just like “yea hes too good to be in this class” and gave praises about his childs performance and sakumo was just like “..... ok....”

Do you think Kakashi hated his dad for a while after his suicide? Or do you think he hated the village?

I think he hated his father, or tried really hard to. It’s really complex. Kakashi seems to still love his father despite everything but... hating the village is something that is just.. its not possible. Its not allowed. Kakashi was bred to fight and die for the village first and foremost and what that means is that if the village turned against him then its cause he must redeem himself. And if his father died under the pressure, then its cause his father couldnt give the village what he should have given. The village abandoned him cause he deserved it, sakumo abandoned him cause he chose to. 

Kakashi understands the reason his father did what he did, but falls into denial because the opposite would turn against the village. And now that he was alone, how the hell could that even be possible? If he becomes a better ninja he will prove himself to everyone. If sakumo had been a better ninja he wouldnt have been scorned so much. Simple logic. 

Its easier then thinking about the morals of one actions and the whole deal of humanity versus being a weapon of the village. 

What happened to Sakumo's ponytail

Kakashi cut it

Did Sakumo read Jiraiya's books

I dont think sakumo was alive by the time jiraiya published his first book! I think Jiraiya had a few drafts before though, just random stuff he’d scribble. Sakumo liked the cheesy romance shorts (they were bad).

In SD, there's a joke that Sakumo is the inventor of the One Thousand Years of Death. Thoughts?

i LOVE IT. Sakumo impressing Kakashi with a super secret dangerous forbidden technique and Kakashi is like oh?!?!!! And he tries to get Jiraiya with it.

Relationship between Sakumo and Minato?

Ah! Theres one fic out there that i really like that shows how i picture their relationship to be like. Minato at first being a nervous puppy around this Man of Legends Sakumo, and said man  being completely unaware of his status and just being like “oh wow what a nice boy”

 this fic btw: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12854022

Relationship between Sakumo and the three sannin?

Jiraiya likes Sakumo because Sakumo is very easy to be dragged to places and he can talk nonstop to him and Sakumo is usually too nice to call him an idiot. Sakumo hangs out with Jiraiya cause he fills the silence for the both of them and makes him leave his home and try to have fun some times (sakumo is a workaholic unfortunetely)

Tsunade thought he was a coward at first but its also very easy to make him pay for your tab so she keeps him around. She learns eventually that he!s smart and a good person and a good listener! So they become friends and they can gossip about jiraiya too. Sakumo was definitely terrified if tsunade at first but shes too fucking cool and smart. Hes always scared into hanging out with her but ends up enjoying himself around her.

Orochimaru finds him too bland. Sakumo is boring and soft and he fights like a legend but says sorry too much. They only hang out because of their shared friend circle. Sakumo is too busy being socially inept to know what to do around Orochimaru. Its painfully awkward, he feels bad.

Has Sakumo beaten up Hiruzen?

Oh hell yeah! They totally must have sparred at some point and DAMN Sakumo’s a beast when hes fighting. Hits like a fucking truck. Destroy that old man.

Is Kakashi gay

Yes

What do you think if kakashi wanted to be a medical and how will that affected the storyline

Oh! Ive read a fanfiction on this! Its pretty good and I think its about how things would have happened if Kakashi was a medinin.

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1273706

[hitchfender]

Im sorry but i really dont understand why are you guys so obsessed with proving to louis' lgbt fans that hes homophobic and hates them just bc he not pick up the flags thrown at him. There r loads of celebs who support lgbt people but dont wave pride flags. Taylor swift hasnt ever waved any pride flag thrown at her(n i assure u ppl do throw em)but she still shows enormous support to lgbt ppl. yall arent proving anything at all just hurting lgbt ppl for stanning someone you dont like n its shitty

Yeah n during hs1 harrys target audience was straight white old dudes too yet none of his current fanbase abandoned him lol. Louis hasnt ever shown that he hates his female fanbase or wants more old White men as his fans n is still proud of his 1d days which isnt the best selling point to old straight white men. Louis interacts more warmly n is more lovely to his female fanbase than harry ever has been to his fans for the past 5 years lol. Louis liking oasis doesn't mean he wants oasis fans

i’m going to begin this (lengthy, sorry) response by addressing some things you’ve said that i disagree with.

i (sarah) believe that louis is homophobic and hates his lgbt fans

dude i don’t know shit about louis tomlinson. in the post you’re responding to, i didn’t mention or even imply that he hates his fans - just that i find it odd that so many young queer women rally around his music, when artists like kasabian and the pigeon detectives are reaching such a different demographic. i have no evidence that he’s a homophobe, and wouldn’t throw that claim around lightly. nothing personal there.

louis, like taylor swift, does not wave pride flags, but still supports his lgbt fans in a manner comparable to the way taylor does

you’re wrong about that, and i’m a swiftie so i have proof! in 2019 alone taylor donated $113,000 to a project advocating for the rights of lgbt people in her home state of tennessee, she performed at stonewall, and she released a whole single about how being homophobic is silly and bad. even five years ago her lyrics marked explicit acceptance of her queer fans (“boys and boys and girls and girls”). whether you feel that those forms of support are meaningful or merely performative, they’re undeniable and quite bold.

you know more about louis’ allyship than i do, because i’m not a fan of his, but i just googled “louis tomlinson lgbt support” and this headline - from 2014 - was the top result:

frankly that is embarrassing. feel free to explain.

“during hs1 harry’s target audience was straight white old dudes” / “louis interacts more warmly n is more lovely to his female fanbase than harry ever has been to his fans for the past 5 years”

i mean, most of that’s provably false.

again, because i don’t follow louis, i can’t compare him with harry, and i welcome any evidence you have to offer. gotta say this google search doesn’t bode well

here’s what you’re right about: louis still talking about and being proud of his days in one direction isn’t going to endear him to many straight male fans, and his liking oasis doesn't mean he wants his fans to love them too. fair enough. my tag post, as i’ve said, was just pointing out the disparity between his fanbase and that of artists who are making similar music, and wondering aloud how he feels about it. as a fan, you’d have more insight there than i would, but i don’t think we disagree.

anon, i’m not trying to start a fight or publicly humiliate you, and if you’d like to come back into my inbox to discuss this further i’d be happy to talk. forgive me for the assumption, but i’m guessing you’re not straight - and in that case you and i are on the same side! we’re just two gay music fans trying to find artists we can see ourselves in! representation is important, and when you find a musician you love it’s natural to believe they care about you personally, but it’s just not always the case. as fans we have to decide for ourselves if we’re willing to overlook an artist’s potential shortcomings in favour of their art, or if it’s more worthwhile to seek out musicians who can provide that sort of distanced - but rewarding - emotional support. i know which one i’ve chosen.

[mintseesaw]

Matched

Pairing: yoongi x reader Genre: FLUFF, idol au, boyfriend au, drabble Word count: 2k Warnings: none Summary: ⇀ When you tried to offer Yoongi a small present, the anticipated disinterest or rejection to your offer was downplayed by his unexpected proposition.

Sat comfortably and alone in the artists’ lounge, your attention has been occupied by your phone while your thumb restlessly drag its screen upward. You’ve been searching on the internet since you went on a break half an hour ago. Your desire to acquire an answer to your little dilemma is going downhill as you consider thinking literally instead of relying on your phone.

Too consumed with your own little crisis, three members of BTS approaching on your direction specifically to the sofa where you‘re sitting, slipped passed your attention.

While the three occupied the spaces beside, you were too deep in your own thoughts, struggling to come up with a concrete idea. And almost laughing out to yourself for almost typing up ‘Presents for a rich boyfriend’ in Google. Heaving a long sigh, you decided to seek in mind for an answer. You may sound like a spoiled, rich kid who can just buy whatever you desire for giving your boyfriend a present when it isn't even his birthday. You want to congratulate Yoongi for all the milestones BTS have received so far, especially that his wish of attending the Grammy awards became real. However, you want to make it a little more special with the accompaniment of a present? That doesn't sound too much, right? You tried to convince yourself.

What else should you give to someone who already has everything? The thought that you struggle to have an answer with.

You gave him an expensive watch once which he can, as a matter of act, buy on his own money if you didn’t so it goes out of the list. A pair of shoes is not even an option. He owned a whole closet filled with them. What about clothes? Actually, he needs another empty closet to fill it with the remaining clothes he has placed outside his closet. Maybe...car-- hold on, that's too much. You would pathetically look like you’re his sugar mommy even though he’s older than you. You pondered further. What about another set of rings or earrings? You swear to God he keeps collecting accessories. It even got to the point where you’re afraid to admit he’s got more of them than the amount you actually have.

Suddenly, you felt something soft came in contact against your forehead making you jumped a little off your seat. The self-deliberation you're silently having was halted when you saw who your intruder is. Yoongi. It was only then that you noticed you have company in the room. Jungkook was sprawled at the opposite end of the sofa next to Yoongi. Jimin is sitting on the floor, his head resting on Jungkook’s knees.

"Hey," you greeted, scooting your body closer to his.

“You seemed pretty occupied.” He said with his lips pushed forward like he's pouting but that isn't the case. It's just the way he talks. Are they on a break as well? They were practicing for their concert, he texted you that earlier in the morning. So they must have been gone from the practice room. Nevertheless, their physical state would give away what they did prior to coming in the cozy room.

“Not really. Uh--Babe, can I ask you something?”

“Aren’t you asking already?” He retorted.

A sound of protest came out of you, “Yoongi--”, and he was quick to divert the subject before you even had the chance to scold him for his sarcastic reply.

“What is it?”

The demand on his question suddenly making your cheeks heat up even before you worded out your inquiry. The faint but noticeable crimson tinting your pale cheeks earn a curious look from Yoongi wondering what would your question be to make you blush. “Maybe...uhm--do you mind if I buy you a bracelet?”

From the questions he had quickly formulated on his mind in mere assumption, this was not one of them. Bracelet? “What for?” His eyebrows met in deep curiosity. Lips pursed as he continued to stare at you, who’s in fact falling in a slight embarrassment.

Shrugging your shoulders, your gaze shifting from his peering eyes to your phone mindlessly scrolling through the search results, then mumbles, “For a congratulatory gift?" You asked, more significantly to yourself than a form of reply to him.

If there’s one thing Yoongi admires the most from you, it’s your thoughtfulness. It was not only because you buy him stuff he never asked to you to, or order him takeout when he’s too busy to do it himself, or bring him his favorite iced coffee out of nowhere. It was the fact that you spoil him rotten which he never had the chance to experience by someone else until you came and conquer his world, defenselessly. Your simple gestures of affection towards him warms his heart out of overwhelming appreaction.

Unlike you, he was never one to show affection. It was the main reason why his first relationship failed back in high school.The same reason why he avoided any type of commitment during his trainee days as he wanted to focus on debuting first. When the two of you formally met, Yoongi believed it may not be the perfect time to have attraction towards you because he was still at the peak of his career. But it wasn’t a bad timing either. And when he had seen an opportunity to give his feelings a chance, he grabbed it. He pursued his feelings for you.

When he did, he’s had a hard time showing it to you. Fortunately for him, more than a year of being in a romantic relationship with you, he slowly learned. From you, of course. His greetings of kisses, side hugs, his hand resting on your waist or shoulders when you two sit together, or even entwining his fingers with yours for others to see proved that he’s soft all along. The facade he created for others to perceive of has dissolved in time with your affection for him.

Now that he’s learned enough, he does not back down even an impending fight if it means the good in you. Between you two, he mostly does the scolding because you’re too sweet to take care of everyone else but yourself that sometimes, it cost your health in the process. While he always scolds you like a parent does to his child, he makes sure you’re also spoiled rotten. Not only the expensive gifts he bought for you could attest to that, or the fact that he takes charge of purchasing new producing equipment for you, or the coffee he lets you consume because you love it despite you complaining to hyperacidity sometimes which he would always have a spare of antacid for remedial.

It was the fact that he lets you take away little or all his precious alone time from himself to make sure you're well taken care of. And the exclusive access to Genius lab only available for your convenience that not even the members have the privilege of. And most of all, it’s the fact that he doesnt let you do all the sweet things in this relationship.

As you asked permission to give him a little gift, an idea crossed his mind and he almost cringes while he contemplates of doing it. Letting it materialize based on his  own suggestion which he has never thought of doing.

“On one condition,”

Your head snapped back at him in question.

“What is it?”

“I’m going to get you one, too.” The moment you had comprehended what he said, your eyes widened, not expecting a negotiation coming from him. It was either no or yes, the answer you were anticipating from him.

“Why? You dont have to.”

“Well, forget about your idea then.”

“Yoongi!”

“What? You’re spoiling me rotten and you dont want me to return the favor?”

“I’m not telling you to return everything I do to.”

“Still no.”

“Why is it so hard to please you...” You sulked, leaning your back further in the sofa and increasing the distance between your bodies giving it as a silent cue that your unhappy with his proposition.

“I’m not. It’s you who doesn’t like accepting anything from me.”

The other pair who has been watching your interaction in amusement finally let a loud snicker making you snapped your head in their direction.

“Stop laughing. It’s not even funny.” Yoongi joined them, showing his teeth and his gums in the process, and allowing you to see his eyes shrinking from his cute little laugh.

You shifted your glare at him, but it in a matter of seconds, it was slowly turning into a sulky one.

Yoongi, whose laughter has died down, smirked at you, “If you consider it, we can even match, you know?” This time, still dazed with his adorable, and gummy showing laugh, you didnt quite understand what he meant.

“Match?” You echoed.

“Yes, like the couple thing?"

It took you a few seconds to mentally processed the words in your brain and made sense to you. When you did, your eyes widened not ever expecting the response you just got from him.

You’re not even sure if it was an embarrassment that you caught on his face right after he stated it and you didn’t bother teasing him about it because you were too consumed with shock. He’s never the cheesy person and never the one to initiate things like this.

“Really?!” A bubble of excitement slowly fills you up that is obvious through the tone of your voice.

“Yeah.” Shrugging his shoulders as he tried so hard to make it seemed like it’s not a big deal. Unlike you, who’s very transparent in showing your elated expression from his proposition.

-

“Can we just buy the same thing?” Yoongi asked, growing more irritated as he still couldn’t find a piece for you and considering that he needs to match it with yours. Have you even chosen one, yet? He needs to see your pick, first.

“No, these are for men. Choose one for me from the women's collections.” You instructed, while Yoongi lets you tap through his phone in his hand to get to the right page of a certain brand's online store.

“Fine.” Groaning out of impatience. He should have not given it up a thought if the objective was this hard to fulfill. To be quite honest, scrolling through the page, he realized that the pieces of jewelry he’s selecting from right now look all the same and it was frustrating him even more.

Yoongi has not even made up his mind when he heard you asked, your phone shoved closer to him so he could see.

“Which one do you like the most?” And here you are, not even 10 minutes after he disclosed his idea to you and you have already picked three bracelets. Showing your selections to him as you tried to seek his help in choosing the only you’ll buy for him.

“They’re all fine.” Are you even serious? He couldn’t even pinpoint the difference among the pieces.

“That’s not helpful at all.” Frowning as you were left unsatisfied with his answer.

“Baby, just choose one. It does not matter what you get for me. I’ll like it anyway because it came from you.”

You couldn't help but to smile. Mesmerized by the sincerity of his response. Leaning forward, your lips briefly touched his cheek, a sudden need to show your affection.

Despite his effort of indifference towards your sudden act, a shade of pink involuntarily painted his cheeks which earned another peck on his tinted cheek from you.

You proceeded on selecting the item that you think will suit Yoongi the best and as you pondered over while examining each bracelet, his eyes lingered on your phone as your thumb hovered over a specific bracelet. Few seconds later, you pressed the purchase button below the bracelet you have chosen for him.

You turned your attention to his phone. “Can I see what you got for me? We have to match, Yoongi.” You reminded him, as if he will forget. It’s his idea, after all.

“They look all the same...” he trailed. Yet, selected the one which resembles your option the most.

“No, they don’t,” as you examined his chosen item for you. “Oh that’s beautiful. It does look similar--oh Yoongi, that’s $11,000!”

The two younger members who are busy playing games with their phones, turned their heads towards your direction, unintentionally mimicking your expression. Shock.

Scoffing, they could’ve fooled you. The younger members are notorious when it comes to shopping, even more than Yoongi. They shouldn't be that surprise to hear you say a five digit price of a jewelry. For all you know, they own pretty much designer brands of articles of clothing from head-worn down to their socks.

“So? You chose a 10 grand one.”

You stared at him in question and back to your phone screen. Blinking a few times as if to make your eyes see much clearer than it should. It’s true. “Oh. I didn’t notice.”

Yoongi shrugged, like he was silently telling you he doesn’t care about spending so extravagantly to a single piece of item which in your case is a bit too much despite having the means to afford it. Well, in fact, he really doesn’t. His watches were more expensive than this bracelet.

“That was unintentional— “Did he choose that bracelet because it resembles the one you selected or is it because it’s more expensive than the bracelet you got for him? “Wait, are you competing with me?”

Turning his head away from you, avoiding your accusing eyes. He shrugged, “They’re matched, anyway.”

mintseesaw © 2019

(photo © CelestialYM9395)