#id appreciate it if youd all respect that

[eggsmuses-a]

30! And/or maybe 27?

munday talky talk (friday edition) / accepting

30. your choice !

i never thought i'd become selective with certain rpcs or even have trouble with them, yet here we are

i'm not really gonna be (or try not to be) negative or nothing but it genuinely surprises me that i would have problems with a community (especially since i was so convinced rp would be smooth sailing since im pretty casual). that might just be the price that comes with multifandom multis though, you get dirt and problems you otherwise would have never encountered if youd been single JVSJSV

another thing about being multi is that its really upsetting when i am fixated on a specific fandom and its muses and im expected to have high muse for my other fandoms during that fixation (especially request muses). a word of advice: muse does not work that way. i work on what im motivated for, which is why some threads will take a long time to get responses to. which is why i gave precautions on muses that are set to tertiary and request; i cant guarantee they will be active

if people have problems with that, so be it, but id really appreciate if both my confidence and motivation in a portrayal was respected. just something ive noticed in the rpc

im just not gonna give people the time of day if they cant respect i am human and cant operate to the same standard all day every day and not equally to all my characters

27. an old muse

i miss my first rp blog a lot if i havent made it clear LMAO

fn.af rpc era during security breach was fun, and i enjoyed portraying roxy a lot but the usual story happened. bigger, better blogs that had more detail to how they looked etc and that was it

i left bc it was just too much, especially when i was being shun and treated as lesser for seemingly being behind

id love to write fn.af again, ive been wanting to put michael here on my blog again because he was a muse i was passionate about and wanted to share my interpretation on a lot but theres something thats holding me back, and i just dont wanna go back tbh

i miss the sense of community from the time i wrote roxy and the feeling of the times, but i just dont think i could slot myself back into the rpc again. who knows bc i might make a private mutuals-only blog for old muses id love to write again LMAO but yknow, thats it. will forever love how it was though

[inbetween-beast-and-man]

🎤 - An audio transcript from a recording

ENTRY#1008361

In which an expedition into the Seattle Underground City doesnt go as well as planned.

VZCZCXRO6637 RR RUEHAG RUEHAO RUEHAP RUEHAT RUEHBC RUEHBI RUEHBL RUEHBW RUEHBZ RUEHCD RUEHCHI RUEHCI RUEHCN RUEHDA RUEHDE RUEHDF RUEHDT RUEHDU RUEHED #2628/04 1379630 ZNR UUUUU ZZH R 162022Z NOV 19 FM SECSTATE WASHDC TO ALL DIPLOMATIC AND CONSULAR POSTS COLLECTIVE TO CPTN AND ALL WORKING BODIES OF RUEHTRO/FIRSTLIGHT ARCHIVE TRIPOLI 0478 BT UNCLAS SECTION 01 OF 02 STATE XXXXXX E.O. 12958: N/A TAGS: ETRD, EAGR, EAID, ECON, TBIO, , , SUBJECT: RECORD #00061 OF FILE: STTL UNGRD CITY EXP #27

[Sounds of the underground city] [ALL WHISPERING]

E1-1: I cant see shit in here. fuck. E1-3: They need to give us better shit if they wanna throw us into the fucking slums like this E1-1: shut up. you know we dont have the budget to keep replacing shit. after last weeks water accident its going to take some time. E1-2: thats what they want you think anyways. E1-1: complaining bout it makes no difference. Were on a mission here. not to be little bitches come on now. E1-2: whatever big boss. where we goin? E1-1: deeper in I fear. And I fear they know were coming so shut the fuck up and keep ur weapons up. the rats work for the blanks E1-3: But the birds, thank god. work for the government. E1-1 & E1-2: Amen. RERCORD #00072 OF FILE: STTL UNGRD CITY EXP#27 [GUNSHOTS]

E1-2: WHERE THE FUCK IS GULL!? SUBJECT #3: Dont worry you'll join him soo- [GUNSHOT] [THUD] SUBJECT #2: MIR!? YOU MONSTER! E1-1: rich coming from a blank. where the FUCK did you fucks take Gull!? Cardinal get the fuck up soldier and get your fucking weapon. [SCREECHING SOUND] [KICKING NOISE] E1-2: He attacked me from behind magpie. E1-1: you should know better where the hell did your training go. and thats sir for you. Tie this one up. I will look for Gull. E1-2: yes sir.

RERCORD #00079 OF FILE: STTL UNGRD CITY

SUBJECT #1: I did not appreciate what you did to Mir. you know how many years I already poured into that idiot. But Im glad you seem so willing to replace him. maybe youll even do better atleast you seem capable. E1-1: Thank you but no fucking thanks. how about you let me go and I will blow up your fucking brain. SUBJECT #1: He was a friend. just like Sticks was and what did you do with her huh? my fucking broodmate. my SISTER. and you dare speak like that at me when your life is at MY mercy. no fucking regret? Dont you ever stop to wonder what its like for US?! We did not choose this. unlike you. E1-1: do you really wanna want to fucking talk philosophy right now with your claws inside my fucking abdomen? SUBJECT #1: I have forever. and having you suffer a little before your real punishment begins seems only fair to what the fuck you did. E1-1: Well of course. let me entertain you by [SPITTING SOUND] SUBJECT #1: You hunters are so fucking disgusting. [GUNSHOT] E1-2: I keep telling him that too but he's terrible bout baths. really suprised he was gonna decline living in the underground with you lot. SUBJECT #1: [UNINTELLIGIBLE SOUNDS] [YELLING AND GUNSHOTS]

RERCORD #00093 OF FILE: STTL UNGRD CITY EXP#27

E1-2: hey hey Mags come on. stay here with me alright. E1-1: didnt think ud come back in time bud E1-2: As if Id let the licks have you. we wouldnt stand a chance if youd be their puppet. E1-1: been there done that. I wouldnt be nothing special. [...] E1-1: Hey cardinal? E1-2: Yeah? E1-1: Next time. if its between me and your own safety. pick your own safety. E1-2: With all due respect magpie, thats never happening. now come on. we're almost out. we caught Sticks we did good. therell be medics waiting and Im gonna make sure you'll have that sweet fucking nurse. bet the others will be jealous as fuck. E1-1: and Gull?... E1-2: lets get you out of here first okay.

[toneinaflat]

continuing off of this post, id like to say, hi, im not very active in the bww or NiGHTS community, but i was in this server for a bit and went to these meetings. i can confirm a lot (ALL) of this shit happened and was totally wrong. elfie was very unprofessional when trying to talk about this "issue" with me about my partner and friend vibripple. they called me in the middle of my really important english class and constantly texted me shit when i didn't want them to or asked them not to. I myself was already pretty mentally fucked (still am) and elfie didnt take that into consideration in the slightest. I didnt feel respected or taken seriously in the slightest. I would steer away from elfies community as my best suggestion, as i never felt welcome there anyways. AGAIN, pawsome and vibripple are both sex-repulsed. this should be common sense as to NOT BRING UP SEXUAL STUFF AROUND THEM. EVEN if they're adults. Ive been with paw for several years and this is probably one of the 2 instances we havent been respected on that behalf entirely. I hope this will reach a wider audience and bring some awareness to the situation. but yeah this entire fuckin thing sucked ! but do not send any harassment to any parties whatsoever. If you see this elfie, id hope youd be as mature as to not try and contact any of us again. Thank you for reading this . and by the way, please go show support for the one in the original post above. we would greatly appreciate it since our experiences were nothing close to what the main victim experienced. please go show some love!!!!!!

I know I usually don't post about stuff like this. But I'm spreading this over to Tumblr to make absolutely sure that everyone in the NiGHTS and Balan fandoms here know this information

I was a victim of Elfie's a while back last year. Both me and a close friend were victims.

At the time, neither of us knew things were this bad. But now I'm releived to know this information is out there and that server is gone for good. And hopefully, nobody will fall for her manipulation again.

Elfie is also on tumblr. Make sure your steer clear of her and block her if you can.

I feel like, since I'm sharing this, I should also share me and my friend's part of the story

My friend doesnt have tumblr, but she is on Twitter (vibripple) please be kind to her and give her a follow if you can.

This was an incident from last year, but it's affected both of us pretty harshly. Especially Vib. Not to say we hadnt had a few questionable ordeals in the past. But I'm just going to explain what I can remember, since some of the information I've repressed for the sake of my mental stability.

For the small things, there were plenty of times where me and Vib didnt feel comfortable or safe in the server. Especially with us both being sex repulsed asexuals. Some of this behavior would be from other members of the server, which would never be pointed out or taken care of. And some of this behavior, Elfie had shown herself. Of course, she attempted to show that she cared about mine and Vib's boundaries. But she simply wasnt trying hard enough, since some other members still were pretty icky. Even in VRChat meetings too. Another thing being, both me and Vib had noticed, Elfie never acted very mature at all. She rarely ever took responsibility or tried to act civil in problematic situations.

And then theres the incident that was in the nail in the coffin for us both. It was just after the Monay vs. Fame vs. Love SPLATFEST in Splatoon 3. Both me and Vib were present in it, confident that we would win. Up until the end where Team Money won. Both me and Vib were devastated. Especially since we both associated the splatfest with a comfort character. And seeing we lost, it felt like we let said character down. Especially me. And though, of course, we were aware that yes it's a fictional character, but that didn't stop us from being upset. But elfie took things too far when she took an already bad day and made it absolutely worse. Elfie saw our behavior that day and our massive disappointment in the splatfest results and had the audacity to pull us both into a group chat with another member and act "worried" about our behavior. Again, we were just very upset at the loss of a splatfest that we were positive we were gonna win in, and again, associated with a comfort character. End of story. Or at least we wished it was. Then Elfie went even further to accuse both me AND Vib of being parasocial because of our behavior towards not only the splatfest, but our comfort characters too. Now, Vib has this thing, where she really likes Reala. I have this thing where I really like Judgement Boy. I call Judgement Boy my son, she calls Reala her bff. We BOTH are completely aware that they are both fictional characters and arent real, as much as we wish they were. And yet, here was Elfie, "worrying" about us like we're those tiktok teens who believe in quantum jumping or whatever it's called. We are both grown adults with of course one or two mental disabilities at best. But we are not that mentally ill. During this time, me and Vib could barely speak. We were both having straight up panic attacks on call may I mind you. And Elfie has the gall to try and force us onto VRChat to speak to her about this. In which neither of us had the energy or mental capacity to do at the time because, again, we were both having fully blown panic attacks. Both me and Vib have some pretty bad trauma when it comes to being confronted about things that arent true about us or thing we never even did. What makes this worse, is that I can say for almost everybody in that server, that they've had comfort characters aswell. HELL, there was one member who's status said things about being in love with Reala. Now I'm not against fictional crushes, or those who have F/Os and such. But for me and Vib, we had nothing close to that! Or at least not to that extent. Especially since Vib didnt even have a fictional crush on her comfort character. She saw Reala as a best friend. But again, being fully aware that Reala is a fictional character. So it was basically on the same lines, just not in the exact same way. And THAT user never got called out for it! THEY never got put on the spot in a private gc and being told they're parasocial for it! And all while this was happening, one of my partners, bless his soul, went out of his way to speak to Elfie for us. Which is when we found out that Elfie didnt care as much about us as we thought she did. She claimed that she didnt like our behavior despite us being some of the more normal users in that server, and even had the audacity to call some of our other close friends that we even had invited into the VRChat group gatherings as annoying. It was a whole mess that I regret having one of my partners get involved with, but I am forever grateful for him to have gotten that information for us. So after that incident, we began slowly distancing ourselves from the group and the server. Slowly started blocking people, leaving and blocking the vrchat group, and soon after, blocking Elfie and leaving the server for good.

Things didn't stop right away though. We still kept in touch with a few users who remained in the server, but at least accepted our decision to leave. Some have even stated that Elfie and some of the others "missed us" or "hoped we were okay" which neither of us believed for a second. Elfie herself even tried to pull in one of our close friends who she had as I stated prior, called him annoying. As he states, she said something along the lines of not knowing when she called him annoying and wanted him to join her server. In which, yeah, he didn't fall for that either.

Most of the other members of that server probably don't even know what happened that day. But if you're seeing this and remember us from that server.. well.. now you do. And maybe now you'll understand why we left after what your so called "captain" did to us.

[golgoterror]

Alright, this is ungodly long, but I just wanted to talk about something regarding Jake. 

A lot of this fandom -- at least, from what I’ve seen -- label Jake as stupid. Some may even say Jake and smart are antonyms. This could not be further from the truth. It almost irritates me how much the fandom places this mischaracterization on him. Also, I get to talk about The Lad™ for about ten pages worth of words on Google docs, which is always very, very fun for me.

Well, first things first, let’s talk about the child genius and multi-billionaire polymath that is Jake English.

Puzzle Modus.

Let’s begin with something small. Jake’s modus is of puzzlekind! This is described as:

It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris. You like it because it keeps you sharp for solving any puzzles you might find when you go out raiding hallowed tombs, which is never. (x)

He likes puzzles! This is a huge headcanon I absolutely adore that has a basis in the comic: He’s a puzzles guy! This is just sort of a neat little fact about him that I adore to the moon and back. Just the idea of Jake fiddling about with a Rubik’s Cube is kind of adorable.

This is how he goes about doing everything every day of his life. I think that’s just amazing! And incredibly smart of him, I might add.

Skaianet. 

Jake is shown in the credits to take over Skaianet after the game ended. For those unfamiliar, Skaianet made many things for the game, including but not limited to: the interstellar travel we see, transportalizers, the lab by Rose’s house, all Jake’s fancy-schmancy computers, and Sburb itself. In the beta timeline, Grandpa Harley founded Skaianet. In the alpha timeline, Grandma English did. I know Jake didn’t start it up and trying to pass off his alt-timeline self as him is a bit far-fetched at best, but he had the spoons to take it over. I think that speaks volumes for Jake’s intelligence -- this implies, at the very least, he can understand mathematics and physics at a high level. Remind you of someone we already know?

It is also important to note that Jake does, in fact, build the company back from the ground up, because it went to shit before his grandmother died:

GT: Pretty sure her company made a tidy fortune til it went belly up. At least i still have a few of her knickknacks for keepsakes. (x)

So he built an interstellar company back up -- using what his intelligent grandmother had once used -- to being very useful and practical once again. 

As someone with a degree in mathematics and about to finish a degree in physics, I can say this sort of work would for sure require at the very least a decent understanding of quantum mechanics, statistical mechanics, electrodynamics, calculus (vector and differential forms), ordinary and partial differential equations, and perhaps other things like topology. I don’t know about you -- and I’m probably tooting my own horn a bit by saying this -- but I think that’s pretty nifty, if I do say so myself. 

Actor.

Once again, I’m reaching into the credits to show that Jake has become a movie star after the game ends. Memorizing all those lines, slipping into characters... Being an actor is no easy feat. 

( Side note: This leads into my headcanon that Jake can imitate accents and voices on a whim. No more arguing about whether he has a British, American, or Australian accent -- you’re all right! )

And I would like to add he has two jobs! Skaianet and being a movie star! This guy’s a fucking polymath for Christ’s sake.

Reading People.

Let’s start of simple: Brain Ghost Dirk. I can hear the outcries now of Dirk’s powers being the cause for this. And, yes, I can’t ignore Dirk’s influence in this, but Jake’s hope powers were also needed for the projection to come alive. And the fact he was able to make such a startlingly accurate projecting of Dirk in his own mind is astounding -- even BGD himself thinks so!

TT: You could view me as a projection of the real Dirk within your mind, as expressed through all of your thought patterns about him. TT: So I'm kind of a splinter of his corporeal self who happens to live in your awareness. TT: I'm a startlingly close approximation to the real thing, for all intents and purposes. GT: Just how startlingly close are we talking? TT: I'm not going to give you a bogus percentage like the glasses cause that's not my shtick. TT: But pretty damn close. (x)

A very deep understanding of the other is needed for Jake to do this. That is pretty fucking incredible. He can clearly read people really well -- he had a few times where he was cluing in on Jane and Dirk have feelings for him:

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection? (x)

TT: I guess call it an extra birthday present. But instead of a present that's awesome, consider it more like a weird confession that may change the way you feel about me. GT: Whoa uh... GT: Dirk are you... uh... GT: Saying what i think? (x)

He’s not completely clueless on people! In fact, he seems to have a really good understanding of his friends. That’s something a lot of people seem to forget because of the incident that I will be getting to later on.

Fending For Himself.

I’ve already written quite a bit on this, but I’ll sum it up here: Jake is exceptionally good at living in the wild and taking care of himself. Sort of like a wild garden; he doesn’t need to be taken care of. Survival skills, especially around fighting and fending off things, aren’t something everyone has. This, once again, counts in his favour, even if it doesn’t line-up with “book smarts”.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

That’s five things! It’s clear Jake is, in fact, a polymath and incredibly intelligent. So, what’s with the fandom painting him as being dumb? What’s with people actually thinking he’s stupid? I think we can all take several wild guesses as to why that’s the case.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Takes things literally.

This is something that plagues Jake quite a lot. Case in point:

GT: Wow like the epic kevin costner film? TT: Almost exactly. Especially by the same degree of shittiness. GT: Oh man does that mean you have to drink your own pee?????? TT: You get used to the taste. Welcome it, even. TT: That takes about 15 days in a row of hard piss drinking though. GT: Ewwwwwwwwwwww no dude. No ew. :( TT: Relax, I don't drink any goddamn piss, ok? GT: Oh ok. Whew. (x)

But, well, let’s address the elephant in the room. The chat I laughed so hard at when I read it the first time due to pure, unadulterated second-hand embarrassment: Jake asking Jane if she had feelings for him.

Let’s analyze this, shall we? Jake starts off by being vague as all Hell, and I’ll spare those details, until finally...

GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me? GG: No! GT: I see. GT: Very well then. GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now. (x / x)

Okay, she says no, and he backs off. That’s fine and dand--

GG: No!!!!!! GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here? GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way! GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here. GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that. GT: But now that i think about it you know what? GG: ... GG: No? :( GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief! (x)

... Oh, right. Yeah. It keeps going. It just keeps--

GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier! GG: Haha, yes! GG: Friends!!!! GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately? GG: Well what are friends for Jake!!!!! (x)

Sweet Jesus, Jake.

GG: Me? GG: HOO HOO HOO! GG: I'm just GG: Terrific! GG: I'm feeling so... GG: Friendly!!! GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems. GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah? GG: Shit I mean GG: Ahahahah! GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart. (x)

Alright, alright, enough! You all remember the fucking chat. 

Regardless, it’s very apparent Jake takes things at face value. I also will cite him talking to Jane before her birthday, but not list examples, because what happened above will just happen once again. 

Okay, so he takes things at face value. What’s wrong with that? He trusts people to not lie to his face -- to not sugarcoat things or beat around any bushes. Perhaps I’m projecting a bit, but I do the same damn thing. I think a lot of people do! I don’t think reading things as fact over text is a good measure of someone’s intellect. All it does is show he has issues with communication. Okay, so he struggles with one thing. Sue me.

Doesn’t catch things right away.

Yeah okay I’m just gonna dump a few examples of this.

GT: Haha wow. Must have been a hell of a guy. TT: So... TT: You're not making any connections there? GT: Where? Huh? TT: Famous comedian, about the age of your grandma, inheriting the family name of the Baroness... TT: Not ringing a bell? GT: What are you talking about! Dirk stop speaking in riddles and keep telling the story i am on tenterhooks here! TT: Ok, well it's not like it's that important. Just a super obvious thing that'll probably occur to you later when you're looking in the fridge you don't have, at which point you'll feel like an idiot. GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro! TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way. GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! TT: Moving on. (x)

GT: Whats going on? TT: Took you long enough to figure it out. TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn. GT: Figure what out! TT: You're asleep. (x)

This leads into the point above. His mind doesn’t work that way -- but that doesn’t mean he’s not intelligent. He needs everything laid out in front of him so he can make the connections and understand what’s happening, but there’s no real harm in this, and it certainly doesn’t dictate whether the guy is “intelligent” or not.

There are many, many more examples in canon depicting Jake as having difficulties with communication and you all can open most of his pesterlogs and probably find one. I’m not going to list anymore. But, hold your horses, I swear I’m getting to a point!

Difficulty reading.

A lot of the media Jake consumes is picture-based. Movies, comics, even the puzzles are most likely spacial and probably not riddles. It’s not far to imagine Jake might not be a terribly good reader, considering nobody was really around to make him read. Of course, his grandmother was around when he was little, so he can read -- and he can read just fine. But he probably isn’t very good at it simply from lack of practice. He also has terrible grammar, something Jane picks on him for, so it’s entirely possible that’s a contributing factor. He may just have trouble reading and writing.

Speaking from experience, I have dyslexia. As such, reading and writing are incredibly hard for me. I never read the books in my literature classes -- both in English and French -- but I did get the gist of the books (enough to get a decent mark in the class at least) by watching a movie adaptation of the novel. I don’t think it’s that far-off to think Jake may, indeed, do the same thing.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

NOTE: This next part is a bit hard for me to write, because I don’t want to vilify any of you. It might not have clued in on anyone or maybe you just saw Jake as a sort of comic relief and meant no harm by it. And I hope shining a light on this will make you all think twice about the guy. However, I can’t really avoid this next part, and I may get a bit emotional in it. Just a bit of a warning.

All of the above points are just me trying to say Jake probably has undiagnosed learning disabilities and perhaps autism. I don’t think I need to go into detail about how those don’t make someone “stupid”. If you think that’s the case, fuck you. I can’t argue with ableists, much less do I actually want to. 

NOTE: I wrote a thing on his speech impediments. That may be of interest too. I don’t really know, but here it is nonetheless.

My take-away message here is: just because someone struggles with socialization or other things doesn’t mean fucking anything in terms of their intelligence. Jake is very clearly smart and has the ability to read people incredibly well -- to the point of making copies of them! Perhaps it’s just a bit easy to underestimate the guy compared to other characters, though.

There are other things that muddy this up a bit, unfortunately.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Trolling.

Jake is such a fucking troll. Jesus shitting Christ, does he get a kick out of acting stupid just to make the other person look silly. Or perhaps even to make himself laugh in the process. Case in point:

uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE. uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO. GT: Sounds pretty gay. uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? GT: Whats what? uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK. GT: Oh right. GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo. GT: Its like... GT: How do i explain. GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together. GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay." uu: I SEE. uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT. uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL. (x)

Look at his goddamn face during this exchange:

That little bastard knows exactly what he’s doing. 

And these aren’t stand-alone events! Jake is very, very silly and will use the fact others see him as stupid to have a little fun. May as well, right? And, in the process, he makes others look pretty damn stupid. 

But sometimes it’s a bit hard to tell when he’s acting stupid against when he’s genuinely not getting something. I think he even fools himself sometimes! So you have to be a bit careful about fake-outs. I’m sure even the other alphas have trouble deducing when he’s doing this -- which only adds to the myth of him actually being “stupid” when viewed on first-glace.

He probably also does this with crushes, purposefully ignoring the signs because he doesn’t want to deal with it or may not believe anyone could like him that way. After all, if he’s wrong, he may think himself to be conceded and having a big head. So, he ignores the signs, thus convincing himself the feelings aren’t there. Then he gets absolutely fucking bamboozled beyond belief to find out they actually do like him. But that’s just a little side-note.

Thinks he’s stupid.

This one is just a bit... Sad. Very sad. Jake genuinely does think he’s stupid. Quite a lot, really. 

GT: I shoulda asked where he fit into the picture if you were raised alone. I can be dumb as a bag of penny candy sometimes. (x)

Just... Man, he’s been called and treated as stupid so many times, he’s at the point where he believes it. If you asked him, he’d say Dirk is a genius, Roxy is always smart and sassy, and Jane is brilliant. (I don’t have a source for that last one but... Come on. She lectures him about grammar. Don’t fuck with me.) But when it comes to himself? He can’t say the same. Of course he then acts that way. He sees himself as a burly adventurer who is also a gentleman and tries to live up to that. No where along those lines does he think he’s intelligent. And that’s just... a little heartbreaking, really, all things considered.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Can’t believe this blog is just me going, “Wanna see how fast I can talk about Jake?”, and a shit-ton of people all nodding before I talk for six hours straight. Anyway, take-home message is: Jake’s smart. Jake’s very, very smart. He’s also a himbo, but he’s incredibly smart. Just because he has learning disabilities doesn’t mean fuck-all. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. There are drinks and refreshments in the back. Have a safe trip home. Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses. Jesus fuck can I run this gag any harder into the ground? Giving me language was a mistake. No but, really, if you read this whole damn thing, thank you! I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write.

[astralaffairs]

Did u make a part 2 for the John Laurens thing or do I still have to wait?

damn anon i just published part 1 today 😔✌ setting unrealistic expectations for women 🤧🤧

mostly im joking, but in all seriousness, part 2 isn't out yet, and it isnt currently my priority. ill probably carve out some time in the next couple of days to write it, but please be patient -- this blog isn't the only thing i have going on in my life, and even if it were, i have quite a few projects other than 280 characters going as well.

[hobslobster-remade]

is...anyone interested in taking over my namgi sideblog..?

[askdrunkbillcipher]

JUST AS APPRECIATIVE? YOURE PUTTING SHIT MADE BY A HOMEWRECKIN HILLBILLT ON THD SAME LEVEL AS YOUR MUSE, A TRILLION YESR OLD GOD AND OWMER OF MULTIPLE GALAXIES?! BESIDES, ID HARDLY CALL

“Your grasp on human customs is imprecise”

APPEECIATIVE!

YOH ONLY BECAME AN OVSTAVKE WHEN YOU DECIDED TI TRY TO SHIT FOSN THE PORYAL AND KILL MW! DO YOU ECEB LNOW HOW MUCH POWER AND RESPECT AND ALL THAT YOUD GET JUST FROM BEING MY PET WITH ME RULING YOUR ENTITE UNIVERSE? YOU NEVER FUCKIN HAD TI BE ONE! YOU COULDBE JUST GONE ALONG FOR THE RIDR AND THEN ID TAKE YA TO NRW HEIGHTS YOU COULDNT EVEN FATHOM! AND TOU FUCKIN THREW IF ALL AWAY AFTER BANJO GOT A SNEAK PEEK ANF WHINED ABOYT SEEIN ME WITHOUT MY EXOSKELETON! WHICH BT THE VY I DID MOT CONSENT TO HIM SEEIN ME LIKE THAT!

JEEZ, ACTUALKY, WHERES YOUR FUVKIN COFFEE? IM BURNING IT ALL. EVERY BEAN. ASHES.

*he snapped his fingers. All of child shooter Ford’s coffee, however, is untouched*

YOU 🫵👁️👁️‼️ LISTEN TO HOW TO REST BY THE CRANE WIVES YOU WONT REGRET IT ‼️

- local twc enjoyer

It reminds me of something Fiddleford would play in between our work on the portal…It’s nice.

[looneymooney]

a little push

neil perry x fem reader

"he's staring again" charlie shoved todd and tilted his head towards neil. neil was fixated on her. the only girl in their literature class. y/n. he never flat out said the words, but all the poets knew he had feelings for her. she made him act like an idiot even with a simple glance. she turned him into putty.

"its been 2 months since she enrolled, its getting kinda pathetic." knox leaned in, grabbing cards out of the pile on the table.

"we should help him out" todd said, glancing back at neil.

"and how do you suggest we do that?" pitts reached out and grabbed his drink, then handed cameron a card

"we intervene." charlie smirked, dropping his cards. "come here, huddle up. ill explain."

-

it was 6:30 and the boys were gathered in the common room doing their respective activities. todd was studying, bouncing his leg. charlie was drawing a battle scene between aliens and cowboys. meeks and pitts were working on their transmitter. knox was boring cameron by talking about his ploys towards chris. and across the room y/n was reading a book whilst sprawled out across a chair. then in came neil.

charlie looked up at todd and raised his eyebrows.

" hey neil, can you come over here a minute" todd breathed out, he was very noticeably nervous but in a way it was working to his advantage.

"hey bud, whats up? need help with your math?" neil asked, pulling out the chair next to todd.

"well actually, i was hoping i could have your help with something else?" his eyes darted before meeting neils.

"anything, what is it?"

"well theres this girl..."

"MY LITTLE TODDY HAS A CRUSH!?" neils eyes lit up, he seemed super energetic and bouncy

"shh!!!" todd pulled neil down and covered his mouth

"well spit it out, who is the lucky girl who caught your eye?" neil playfully shoved todds arm earning a smile from him.

"its the girl from keating's class. y/n. have you met her yet?" todd noticed a slight shift in neils face, but he fixed it in a moments time.

"yeahh yeah, shes really nice. good for you man, what is it exactly you needed my help with?" neil could sense it but he was praying that todd wasnt about to ask him what he though he was.

"well actually i was hoping you could go talk to her for me, yknow get a feel for her. see if shes single, if shes even looking. i dont want to talk to her until i know if its even worth it." annnd, there it is. neil was clenching his fist under the table, he had newly formed crescent moons in his palms.

"id be happy to, next time i see her ill talk to her." neil smiled trying his hardest to keep his cool.

"shes there now. i really appreciate it neil." todd looked to her, giving him an encouraging smile.

"she sure is. ill be right back." he stood up, and turned towards you. his heart was pounding so loud. the world was quiet, his love for you was all he could hear. but he couldn't think about it. todd likes you, so he cant. he kicked himself for not making a move faster.

"well ive gotta say you have amazing taste." he said nodding towards your book

"ah yes, pygmalion. a classic. who doesnt love to read about financial corruption."

'she, shes funny.' he thought, a huge dumbfounded smile on his face.

"im neil perry" and extends his arm to her.

"y/n, its nice to meet you neil." she smiled warmly

'god shes adorable'

"not that im not enjoying your hovering, but would you like to have a seat? we can talk some more if youd like"

his heart sped up, as if it were possible.

"ye yeah id love to." he stumbled over his foot on his way to the couch next to her.

they talked for about an hour, he laughed with her more than he has the rest of the year combined. they worked so well together, the conversation never felt forced or difficult. it was just, easy. he was more in love with her now than he was before, unbeknownst to him she felt the exact same intense emotions for him. before they knew it it was curfew time, so they parted ways, "i look forward to seeing you again, neil." she smiled, leaving him weak at the knees. and with that, she was gone.

he felt like he was floating, he had had the most amazing night. her smile was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, and her laugh. god dont get him started. and the way she scrunches her nose when shes embarrassed about something, she was everything.

he swung his dorm door open and threw his bag onto the bed. it was then he was faced with the crushing realization that was todd sitting on his bed. 'my best friend is in love with her. hes in love with her so i cant be.' he felt small.

"hey neil, howd it go?" neil swears hes never todd smile so big.

"it was great. shes hilarious. you two are gonna get along great." neil turned his face away from todd because he couldn't force himself to fake a smile anymore.

todd laughed, moving over to sit at his desk. "neil dude, for someone with such a high gpa you're really taking a long time to figure it out."

"what do you mean?" neil darted his head towards him. "whats there to figure out?"

"it was charlies idea, but we knew you werent gonna talk to her by yourself. not without a little push. so i pushed you" todd was grinning so widely, amused by neils confusion.

when neil finally reached the conclusion, he was a smiling idiot. he spun around and jumped on todds bed, "YOU SNEAKY BASTARD" todd erupted in laughter. "to you, im forever grateful" neil said, bowing, tipping an imaginary hat. "shut up" they laughed.

the next morning neil received pats on the back, and a few on the butt, complements of the dead poets. they all walked in the dining hall for breakfast when they saw you sitting there, reading.

"if you'll excuse me boys," neil smiled heading towards you.

"mind if i?" neil asked smiling, "mm yes! i read those poems you told me about last night. theyre genius." she smiled at him, they began to talk about any and everything. and a few days later they began dating. neil played it off as a joke but he really would always be grateful for what the poets did for him and y/n. they helped him get the girl who would save him.

[mourninglamby]

"yeah idk I hate their normal content that doesn’t pertain to the dsmp story and I don’t like watching people for. The Person. Unless theyre making art I care about I don’t see why Id want to invest time into getting to know what some famous dude is all about. "

" I am completely apathetic at best and annoyed at worst towards all of them."

Ngl I think your valid as hell for not wanting to be interested in a content creator work outside of the dream smp but still make awesome work from it fam,✊

But I won't say that it didn't hurt my soul and heart to know that one of my favorite dream smp artist practically just doesn't like ANY of them,like oof- damn

I think this the first time I think I've met a fantastic of any fandom whatsoever just straight up just reduced the creators to being "just some famous people." And not anything else.

I just want to say, because you're probably already gotten hate for saying this,but I really do appreciate your work and love that you stay unapologetic in your statements you make on your blog! Keep up the good work!

ive just never. been into. idolizing people? i never had a band phase, i barely dipped into dan and phil bc i found them actually funny as a dumb middle schooler, and supermega is like the only other entertainment group of ppl i currently watch for their comedy. but even then im not super interested in knowing every little detail about them. once again, im simply apathetic. which isnt a bad thing?

i care about them as much as youd care about any stranger. i respect their writing for the earlier seasons and i see them as artists in that regard, but i seriously dont get why its such a crime to just. only enjoy the story? again, its not like i harbor ill will for the people. i actually do find wilbur and tommy pretty endearing but i recognize thats me projecting lol. but is it really so horrible to just like.... only enjoy one part of their content? i genuinely wanna know if thats bad. i never used to get so much backlash for that.

[lowly-underscore]

things that may be happening in the dsmp fandom

Bench trio enjors crying over the inevitable thing that is ranboo going back home

Dteam enjoyers: MEET UP ????? WHEN WHEN ??? CHRISTMAS MEET UP ?????

Eternal duo enjoyers crying and trying to find crumbs as per usual

alium duo fans fighting off rommy shippers whilst crying

clingy duo enjoyrs who respect their (tommy nd tubbo's) boundaries fighting all the boundary disrespecting clingy duo "fans" who keep asuming their sexualities

sane fans aggressively reporting every nsfw tweet about the minors they see

georgebur / wnfers: cries

"dream [something about him being a bad person]" "well- [valid reasons on why he isnt a bad person even if he sometimes comes off as bad]" "fuck off dream stan."

fans of the women on the dsmp aggressively defending and protecting them from the "simps" who sexualize them while also respectfully appreciating how pretty they are (if u do this, ily and id love to be friends)

that one stan: sexualizes the women (fuck u)

eret enjoyers: eret

bee duo fans cries about ranboo leaving while also fighting people who ship ranboo and tubbo

if none of this makes sense, of course it fucking doesnt, im tired. im always tired.

make sure drink water or not if you're a endermen because if you're an endermen and you drink water you would die and i don want you dying actually how are you even an endermen? is that a rude question? probably is but im still confused did a witch curse you or something? wait what do endermen even drink? i mean they probably eat chorus fruit if youre an endermen go eat some chorus fruit and if youre a human then eat fruit or anything well not anything dont eat something that youre allergic to because youd get an allergic reaction and might have to go to the hospital and that isnt very nice but you know what is? you! you are very nice and you deserve a nice day well not a nice day but to have a nice day! so i hope you do ! byee :]

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

[swampgallows]

.

my sister came over tonight, and she and my mom usually get high on edibles when theyre together. so my sister was in the kitchen asking “am i alive right now? am i dead? am i dead right now?” and i said “I died in 2013, either january 22 or june 5″ and they kinda went silent. not moments later i found out one of the regulars from the peak of my college raving days died tonight, possibly in a fire and trapped in her room. a few days ago it was the 8 year anniversary of another adjacent raver passing away. then a friend posted a picture of the newly deceased with ginny and i really started to lose it. 

i would do anything to go back to those years. i was too ill to see what i had right in front of me. i was still so full of poison. i am only just now recovering, and only just now starting to love and accept and respect myself and believe that i am worth the love that all of those people had continuously given me. i dont want to take it for granted ever again. there will never be those disney raver days again. i will never again meet ginny outside the river belle terrace. sonic tots and spin spin super in the fullerton apartment, heaving my crate of records up the stairs. road trips to arizona and vegas. 

i look to the past a lot. too much. it prevents me from seeing what i have now and appreciating it. but i look to the past because i cant ever seem to look to the future. i dont know what’s there. it feels like only death is awaiting me in my future. youd think that would make me more aware and appreciative of the present, but it doesn’t. my mind just drifts away, and i struggle to stay in the moment without one foot somewhere else, in dreams or in memories. 

i dont know why im like that. but in the wake of covid and the uncertainty (ugh) of the future of live events, or a possible rave scene, or all of these pieces of what made it so beautiful breaking apart and falling away, it feels justified to reminisce and miss it a little bit.

even in college i felt so alone. i felt so depressed. i kept chasing after people who didnt love me right and failed to acknowledge those who did. i hope my friends know that i love them. i hope im good enough. i hope im worthy of their love. 

i would do anything to go back to the days before d/ and r/ and j/. i wish i hadnt hollowed out my heart for the love they never gave. i wish id learned to love myself sooner. i wish i hadnt been hurt so badly. i wish i had healed faster. i wish i had let them all, my real friends, the people who actually loved me, heal me faster.

i am so behind on growing up. it’s taken me so long just to claw out of the red.

[kendrixtermina]

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

[astrologysvt]

Jeonghan & Joshua Compatibility Reading

anonymous asked: hello! i was wondering if you would do compatibility reads for seventeen members with each other? you could do it on whoever youd like, id just thought it would be interesting ^_^

so what i decided to do was take common svt pairings and explain why they work so well! enjoy!

i went into this a little bit before in a compatibility ask but there is something about jeonghan that really and honestly makes capricorns feel super comfortable.

and that’s honestly him just being a libra, and libras have such a light presence about them. they’re generally very considerate, accommodating, respectful, and just the right amount of assertive to make clear their principals.

capricorns really appreciate this and respect their desire for balance and their sense of values in how people should be treated.

i usually don’t talk visuals or specific likes because people like what they like regardless of their natal chart.

but capricorns are known for liking simple, clean, sophisticated visuals. and libra’s do, too, except they’re just a bit more artsy about it.

and so that, at least in my head, is kind of a visual representation of why they are so similar and complimentary.

they aren’t overly flashy, but there is an intrinsic charm and personality about them both. 

they’re just generally very comfortable together.

i also think it’s great that jeonghan has such an airy and active chart while joshua has such an earthy and tranquil chart.

they have this interesting dynamic where jeonghan’s mind is fluttering around being it’s distractible, playful self -- going where his impulse takes him. 

while joshua’s energies kind of sit below that at a much lower frequency, but he’s also equally playful.

and because they’re so different in their inherent energies, they have a way of surprising each other over and over with how funny and weird they both are. 

they meet in the middle and what keeps both of their aqua placements so intrigued is the fact they come from such drastically different places.

they seem to have such an awareness of this, too. 

joshua is independent and stable enough that jeonghan can just go where his interest takes him, and it’s generally understood that joshua is more or less going to stay where he is if that’s his wish.

similar for joshua with jeonghan, joshua understands that jeonghan is going to do what he wants because that’s how his mind works and joshua is more than happy to let jeonghan be that free spirit while still enjoying each other’s presence when they are together. he also tends to know how to reel jeonghan in just enough. 

hehehe i like to think of them as like, those elephants where the birds land on them lmao.

they are drastically different from each other, but they’re also so comfortable and unobtrusive that they really rarely clash. 

this relationship is honestly very beneficial to them both because jeonghan meets joshua’s need for excitement and intellectual stimulation, and joshua meets jeonghan’s need to have his energies stabilized/absorbed every now and again. 

i also think it’s funny that, of all the members you see jeonghan try to persuade, joshua isn't ever one of them because he knows he’s not gonna win 😂

you see it all the time where jeonghan tests the waters and joshua is like, “nah man” and immediately jeonghan is like “ahh okay.” i can literally hear it in my head.

i also think there is such a respect they have for each other. 

jeonghan has a very well aspected moon through his moon trine his sun, mercury, and venus. where as joshua’s moon is afflicted.

the difference they’d feel in this is that jeonghan is incredibly reactive, excitable, and is a very effective shock pad for strong, turbulent emotions. where has joshua struggles in letting these emotions/energies flow through him. 

if you notice joshua is a lot more comfortable, fluid, and reactive around jeonghan, it’s probably because jeonghan’s moon helps joshua navigate situations and energies by proxy. 

if they’re in the same environment and are reacting to the same things, he learns by example how to let those things flow through him. and their matching aqua influences really makes it so that jeonghan activates the part of joshua that wants to feel/be very free and playful. 

inversely, jeonghan IS incredibly reactive but is also super logical due to his aqua moon. he feels a strong need to meet dynamic, challenging, or emotionally charged situations with logic.

the issues this may cause, is that his placements are so airy in that libra and aqua, and emotionally complex and intense due to his scorpio mars.

he struggles to completely grasp certain parts of himself and sometimes, in moments of panic, his only two options within himself are to either give into the high-frequency and anxious thoughts through libra and aqua, or sink entirely into his super heavy, bottomless emotions through his scorpio mars.

but what joshua offers is a sense of tangibility through his cap and taurus. he’s so stable and physically and mentally present, that he’s manages to meet jeonghan in the middle and bring that sense of reality that his placements simply forget about sometimes. 

and through that, jeonghan can learn to be more present rather than intellectually dependent or emotionally retreated.  

very symbiotic charts~ i understand why they both instantly made such a strong connection, and also why they relied so much on each other during their trainee days. 

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

[evilkaito]

hey im kaito/nemu!! and i need some help pulease

so my Birthingday is coming up on may 14th im turning 19

im sure you are all more than aware but im living in a fairly toxic household right now with constantly screaming and harassing parents who dont respect my boundaries and go through my personal items when im out of the house. theyre both homophobic and transphobic, my dad being more so, but my biggest stressor comes from their extreme amounts of racism, since i am an adopted black+asian kid and they are both white, the things that they say really terrify me. theyre only getting worse about it. im currently working a 20 hour per week job and attending college full time.

its a lot to deal with.

if you can help id appreciate it, im trying to save up money again. heres my cash.me, i might have to look into recreating my paypal. i also have a venmo but i dont rly know how to use that

i have an amazon list of things i need before i move out, so if youd like to help me so i can stockpile items and ditch this place asap, this would help a ton (theres quite a few things that are like 2-5 dollars).  i prefer cash donations so i can buy these things on my own and not have my parents look through the things i buy as well, but i understand if thats not doable.

i do a lot of digital art and office work, so theres some desks and monitors there as well.

anyways any and all help is appreciated! 

if you know of anyone in the southern california area that lives within 35 miles of burbank that needs a room mate PLEASE dont hesitate to contact me, im looking for housing and im in the middle of getting a better job.

thank you!