#i dont have any hope. it will never get better. people will always hate me and insult me and trigger me on purpose bc

[davlucies]

taako rescuing lucretia frfom the depression nexus because otherwise there's no way he and lup can pull off this prank 🌶

[pekabloooop2]

i ran out of tags lol

uh oh! owner's being sued for worker abuse! get out the boop meter so everybody forgets

[neil-gaiman]

hey Neil, I hope you are having a good day. There's this question that's been bothering me for years. I never knew who to ask, or how, and I was always sure it's only me who experiences these things. And then I looked back at my favorite book of yours -good omens- and I thought, of course! Neil! He's the perfect guy to ask! So here it is.

You wrote good omens with Terry Pratchett. You know that already, sorry. Here's the thing.

Whenever I work on things with people, no matter who they are, friends or colleagues or strangers, I always have a hard time collaborating. It's hard for me not to be in control of the project. I actually love the idea of making things with other people, and sometimes I have the best time doing it, but the minute they bring up an idea they have that I don't agree with or like- I have a hard time. I can never bring myself to say "sorry, i don't really like that idea", i hate hate hate saying no to people, or hurting their feelings, so I end up nodding politely and we end up with a finished project I dont like.

When you were writing good omens with Terry, how did you do it? How did you collaborate and make something so successful? Did you just never disagree with anything he came up with?

If you end up seeing this, thank you very much. This is a life- long problem of mine.

I suppose that both Terry and I knew that seeing that we were making art and telling a story, there wasn't any right or wrong about what we were making. It was art and it was fun. My only goal was to make Terry laugh, his goal was to make me laugh. With a subgoal of Get to the next Good Bit In The Plot Before The Other One did.

I don't remember any disagreements or arguments, any more than you see disagreements and arguments in people doing Improv comedy. We both knew the book we were writing, and each day we'd talk on the phone, the aim being to make the other one laugh. When we did that successfully we knew we were heading in the right direction.

One reason i suspect we never actually wrote the sequel after plotting it is that it would have been a job and not just fun.

It sounds like your collaborations aren't any fun. Better you should do solo stuff.

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[kpop---scenarios]

Awakened (1)

Pairing: Seo Changbin x Reader

Warning: Language, Toxic Boyfriend, Jealousy

Word Count: 2.1k

Everything Taglist: @piscesrising01 @baby-stay92 @kisses-too-the-moon @dwaekkiiracha @rylea08 @imperfectlyperfectprincess1 @satosugu4l @iovecb97 @lordmaahes-nsc @sailorkoss @minh0scat @pixie0627 @50-husbands @jinnies-muse @yaorzu-blog @joyofbebbanburg @number1jeonginstan @skzooluvr @jisunglyricist @ambersnowxxx @stay-tiny-things @thegingerthatwaited

@wife2straykids @silly250 @tsunderelino @1810cl @anskiiz

@ayyonoona @31maze13

A/N: Let me know if you wanna be tagged for this one!

When you started this job, you were happy and so in love with your boyfriend. But now, your boss has got you questioning everything you used to know. You also had no idea how much of an interest he would take in your personal life, not that you minded, he only cared about you as an employee, and that's all it meant…right?

“How was the day, Y/N?” Your boss, Changbin asks, his back leaning against the wall of the elevator as you both ride down to the lobby. He crosses his arms, his eyes searching your face.

“It was good. How was yours?” You smile. Changbin smiles back at you. “Good, good. Are you still with Jeno?” He asks, raising his eyebrow.

“I am yes.” You say, your stomach turning into knots. You hated when people asked about your relationship lately, you weren't at your happiest with Jeno but you kept hoping that things would go back to being better between the two of you, but so far no such luck.

“Y/N…” He sighs. You look down at your shoes, but thankfully the elevator door dings before he can say anything. It had seemed like Changbin had wanted to tell you something for the last few weeks, but you were scared and you didn't want to hear it, not right now. You knew Jeno was out in the lobby, waiting for you and if he saw you down and anxious, he’d get mad and start asking questions. That’s something you needed to avoid. When the elevator doors opened, you instantly perked up, smiling and laughing.

“My goodness, Mr. Seo. You're too funny.” You say, a little too loudly, while you walk out of the elevator. You scan the room, your eyes landing directly on your boyfriend, who's leaning against the receptionist desk with a scowl on his face. You keep your smile tight and your eyes bright as you and Changbin walk up to him, forcing the worst fake laugh you had ever heard as the two of you approach him.

“What's so funny?” He asks, glaring at Changbin.

“Oh, um… Mr. Seo just told a joke about something that happened at lunch, that's all.” You smile, linking your arm with Jeno’s.

“I never knew you were funny.” Jeno mutters, giving you a small smile.

“I'm only funny when I'm around someone I like.” Changbin smiles. “Y/N. I'll see you tomorrow.” He says, waving to you before he heads back towards the elevator.

“Why do you have to work for him?” Jeno sighs, pulling you out of the building.

“I don't know what your hatred towards him is about, but you need to get over it.” You groan.

“It doesn't matter what it was about. What matters is I dont fucking like you working for him!” Jeno snaps. “I think you should quit.”

“I'm not quitting. Good pay, with benefits, paid time off, paid sick days, and raises? I'd be crazy to ever let it go just because you don't like my boss.” You say, removing your arm from his.

“I dont just not like him, Y/N, I fucking hate him. He's got a thing for you. So, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you, you need to quit.” Jeno snaps again.

“And I'm telling you that I'm not quitting. He doesn't like me. Get over whatever your issue is with him and leave me out of it.” You say, walking away from him.

More often than not your fights with Jeno always stemmed from any mention of your boss, and it all started after you had brought Jeno to the company's Christmas party, where Changbin and Jeno met.

**

“I want you to meet my boss.” You giggle at Jeno, pulling him towards Changbin. You thought the two of them were relatively similar and thought they would get along well, but your plan for the two of them to be friends was spoiled awfully quickly.

“This is your boss?” Jeno whispers, his eyes wide as he backs away from you and Changbin.

“Hello, Y/N.” Changbin smiles at you. His smile quickly turns to a frown as he looks at Jeno. “This is your boyfriend?” He asks. You nod your head with a smile.

“How long have you been together?” He asks, jaw clenched.

“Two years.” Jeno pipes up, giving a look to Changbin.

“Ah two years, really?” He laughs. “It's good to see you man.” Changbin smiles, pulling Jeno in for a hug.

“Does she know?” He whispers into Jeno’s ear before letting him go and looking at Jeno, who swiftly shakes his head no without you looking.

“You know, Y/N…We have a code of conduct here for a reason. I think employees dating pieces of shit should be added to that, yeah?” Changbin asks.

“Do you two know each other or something?” You drunkenly ask.

“Yeah. From the last place I worked. You know the one I quit.” Jeno says.

“Wait… is this who you'd come home and complain about all the time?” You gasp. “He was the reason you quit, wasn't he?”

Changbin smiles widely. “You quit?” Changbin laughs. “Did I get under your skin? I wonder what I could have possibly done. Or maybe it was because you were a shitty employee who did shitty things.” Changbin smiles, pretending to gasp, covering his mouth.

“Y/N, i'm not feeling well. Let's go.” Jeno snaps.

“You can go.” Changbin laughs as Jeno begins to walk away. You stand there, drunk, confused and torn on what to do.

You turn to leave but Changbin calls you back. “Y/N. You know you don't have to leave. I'd like for you to stay.”

“Y/N! Move it!” Jeno snaps, waiting

“I… I should go. I'm sorry about this.” You whisper to Changbin, quickly running towards your waiting boyfriend.

**

“Stop being dramatic, Y/N!” Jeno yells after you but you ignore him, continuing to walk away. You had originally planned to go back to Jeno's for the night, since you had some work clothes there already but now you wanted to just go home. You waved down a cab, leaving without him, he didn't even send you a single text the rest of the evening. You were not going to message first.

Unfortunately, you weren't a stranger to his childish behavior, this wasn't the first time and sure as hell wouldn't be the last time either but it had been 7 months of Jeno complaining about your boss and it was getting really fucking old.

**

“Good morning, Y/N.” The receptionist smiles at you as you walk into the building. You give her a small wave as you make your way to the elevator, scanning your card to send it down to you. Once it's there, you step on, humming to yourself as the elevator takes you all the way up to the 25th floor, the robotic voice letting you know you're on your floor. You step out and head directly for Changbin's office, setting your things down on your desk that was right outside his door.

Changbin had probably been the best boss you'd ever worked for. He was sweet, kind, funny, supportive and not to mention extremely good looking. If Jeno asked you, it would be a straight up denial, but you did have a small crush on him. But if you spend 8-10 hours with a man like that, you're bound to have an innocent little crush. It's not as if he would ever reciprocate your feelings anyways.

“Y/N.” Changbin says, opening his office door.

“Good morning, Mr. Seo.” You smile.

“Can I see you for a moment?” He asks, walking back into his office.

You nod your head, walking into his office, closing the door behind you. You sit down in the chair across from his desk, crossing your legs along with your hands in your lap.

“Are you okay?” He asks, adjusting his tie.

You tilt your head slightly, giving him a confused look. “Yeah?” You laugh. “Why wouldn't I be?” You wonder.

“I heard… Well, I was told that Jeno was yelling at you on the street yesterday. And I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He says.

Embarrassment immediately covers your face, making you cover your face with your hands. “I'm so sorry, Mr. Seo. Please don't worry about me. It's nothing.” You say. Luckily your desk phone begins to ring, giving you a chance to excuse yourself. “I should get to work.” You say, leaving his office as quickly as you could.

You tried to avoid Changbin’s gaze the rest of the morning as much as you could. You really didn't want to continue the conversation. It was embarrassing enough that people overheard your argument with Jeno. You didn't want the sympathy looks too.

“You know, Y/N.” Your coworker, Jamie begins. “Mr. Seo has been glancing over at you, all fucking day.” She giggles. “It's been weeks of him just staring at you.”

You look over towards his office, seeing him sit at his desk through the big windows. He was working through a pile of paperwork, but every few seconds he glanced up, in your direction. The second your eyes locked, you turned around, redness covering your face once again.

You needed this day to end right now. The afternoon went slower than a usual Friday. You still hadn't heard a word from Jeno and honestly, that hurt. You felt like he didn't care about you in the slightest, the fact that he was wrong and he still hadn't reached out to apologize made you feel worthless.

Once the clock hit 5 o'clock, you were ready to leave and do absolutely nothing for the weekend. “Y/N.” Changbin says, clearing his throat, leaning against your desk. “You've had a hard week.” He sighs. You nod your head, agreeing. “I'd like to take you out for a drink.” He says.

You're surprised, this was the last thing you expected, but honestly what else were you going to do? And you liked spending time with Changbin, he took your mind off the shit with Jeno.

“I'd like that.” You smile. You grab your coat and your purse, following him to the elevator, feeling giddy like a child on Christmas.

“Come on. This is a great wind-down place.” Changbin murmurs, opening the door for you. You walk in and immediately hit with the smell of alcohol. You loved that smell. You start looking around but Changbin steps in front of you, turning you towards a table, pulling out a chair that faces away from the rest of the bar.

“What would you like to drink?” He asks.

“Double vodka and cranberry please.” You smile. Changbin nods his head, walking up to the bar, leaving you to look at the wall, but not for long. He came back quickly, drinks in hand, setting yours down in front of you.

“So.” He says, glancing over your shoulder. “Have you heard from Jeno?” He wonders.

You take a big swig of your drink, shaking your head. “Unfortunately not. Nothing since I left him on the sidewalk yesterday. I just don't understand.” You sigh.

“Do you mind if I ask what the fight was about?” He asks. You finish your drink quickly, just in time for the server to bring you another one, taking your empty glass and replacing it with a full one. You take a big swig of your new drink, looking Changbin in the eyes.

“To be completely honest. It was about you. It's always about you.” You groan. “He really hates you. And he won't tell me why.” You say.

Changbin laughs. Loudly. “Figures. We've never gotten along. Even at the last place. Especially not near the end.”

“Will you tell me what happened?” You ask, taking another sip. Changbin drinks his beer, setting the bottle down on the table. He takes a deep breath.

“I want to…I just don't know how…” he pauses.

“What the fuck is this?” You hear from behind you. You turn around, seeing Jeno standing there, glaring at Changbin.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, standing up. You try to get his attention but he's so focused on Changbin, he barely notices you're there.

“Why are you here with my girlfriend?” Jeno snaps at Changbin.

“She's stressed out. Because of you.” Changbin answers. “I was being a good friend, trying to help her because her boyfriend is a piece of shit.”

“A good friend?” Jeno scoffs. “Don't act like you don't wanna fuck her.”

“And you don't act like I'm not standing right fucking here.” You yell at Jeno. “Stop ignoring me!”

“What else am I supposed to do with a whore who throws herself at anyone who gives her the slightest bit of attention!?” Jeno yells at you.

Your mouth hangs open in shock. Changbin stands up from his chair, rushing towards Jeno, getting in his face.

“You're really calling her a whore?” Changbin spits. “How about you tell her about why you were really FIRED? Huh?” Changbin yells.

“And then we'll see who the whore really is.”

[onskepa]

Left Behind: Moments

Here is another chapter of the left behind series! Hope you all enjoy!

Left behind series

---------------------

Jake’s pov 

“So ummm…..I was told to vlog my day to day stuff. Guess to keep record of things I do and not lose my shit on this planet” Jake tells himself on camera. It has been a few hours since he woke up from his cryo sleep. His body ached, felt like a statue from not moving for 5 years. 

“This is year is 2154….those fuckers lied. It's been 7 years since I left Earth for this jungle gym crap. 7 years felt like nothing. My baby girl, probably in her preteen years right now. I wonder how she is doing. I wouldn't blame her if she hates me, no scratch that. She is incapable of hate. Maybe mad, yeah. But not hate. I want this mission to be done and over with.” 

Jake’s pov

“First day in my avatar…gotta say, it felt fucking amazing. I was able to breathe the native air! Best part, I can run! WOOHOOO! YES! Oh man, never in my life have I felt this amazing. Though I did get carried away. When I woke up in my new body, the excitement got to me. I ran almost all over the fields, the basketball court, the botanical gardens, it felt great. Almost got in trouble but grace was there to save my ass” 

“Still have to adjust to this body, grace is giving me a week to get used to it. I am not the only one though, there is a weird guy named Normal Spellman. Nerdy but otherwise cool. He is the one who studies alongside with tommy. Good pals I can only imagine. He just got his avatar too”

“I bet if my baby girl was here, she would be surprised. With everything really. Maybe a bit scared. Would enjoy it no doubt. Learn how this planet works. I cant help it. I wonder what she is doing. Is she making friends? Doing good in school? So many things. But I know the sooner I get this mission done, the sooner I get home to her” 

“Gotta rest now, got a big day tomorrow, this is Jake Sully, singing out” 

Jake’s pov 

“Colonel Quaritch, tough and kinda scary guy but he keeps people safe here. As safe as it can get on this planet. Met him in the brief meeting as a welcome home type of talk. But, weirdly enough, I admire him. He seems to know what he is doing and how to do it. Said he has a special mission for me, didn't say what yet but to expect a visit from him soon” 

“I can worry about that later. Tomorrow starts a new mission. Get samples from more remote areas of the forest. Norm was given a special task. Try to make a peaceful contact with the aliens here. Na’vi is what they are called. Grace gave me a brief on them. Some important figures too. Guess they have a system of rulers here. Like the old native tribes back on Earth. My missions is to guard and make sure grace and norm get what they need” 

“I will be honest, does not seem too bad. Was given the ok to shoot any possible threats. Practice with the guns, proud to say I have not lost my aim. It is getting late but I still have to do this. Does keep my mind busy, recalling the day’s events. I am starting to get into a routine” 

“After shutting off the camera, I look at the picture of me and my daughter. I would stare at it for a while until my eyes drop. See this? It was the day I won a little toy for her at an arcade. She was so happy. Not often was I able to give her something new. Hopefully the paychecks are getting funded for her needs. I bet she is getting nice, brand new things” 

“So many birthdays I missed. Im so sorry baby girl, but I promise, the second I go back, I will give you the biggest hug ever. Buy you all the gifts you could ever want, hell, if the pay is that good, get a better place. Maybe close to your favorite park that you like to play in. Better yet, go to the zoo like you always wanted. I know you will be much older but I dont care. You are my baby girl for life. Nothing is going to change that” 

“Guess now I better log off. Big day tomorrow, this is Jake Sully, signing off”

Jake’s pov 

“Things didn't go right during the mission and I was split up from grace and norm. A giant weird animal, thana-something called by grace, deadly, found us. Had his eyes on me, grace told me to run so I went the opposite direction of where those to were, to not get them in the crossfire. Seriously, that animal was huge, but I guess by some miracle, a bigger animal came into view. Like in those old nature documentaries, the two giants began to fight. Either way, I made a run for cause I know it was not going to end pretty” 

“I got lost along the way, had no idea where I was or how far I was from the crew. Took me sweet time though. Admiring the pretty sights that Pandora had to offer. Felt like a kid again. Everything was bright, colorful, alive. I can see why the RDA wants to use the resources here. Crazy to think that Earth was one like this. Green, healthy, breathing” 

“Of course somewhere along the way I lost myself even more, lost my gun. Had to make a spear then turn it into  a torch because night came. Now night time felt like a whole different world. Everything glowed, pretty almost neon colors illuminated the plats. Some small creatures also glowed. Sad that I couldn't appreciate it enough. Got attacked” 

“Freaking hyena looking animals, running in a pack. The fire helped create a distance as I ran but they were too many, though I was done for. My ass got saved by an unlikely person” 

Jake’s pov 

“Neytiri, princess of the Omatikaya clan. Scary lady but she saved me. Called me a baby, and told me that I have a strong heart. Stuff happened and next thing you know, I am in their home base. Word passed and neytiri was tasked to train me. Teach me their ways. I am where the RDA needs me to be. It is now only a matter of time. Give the Colonel what he wants, give grace what she wants. It is a win-win situation” 

“Still holding out on that little meeting Quaritch wants to have with me. Maybe it won't be that far, since now I am within the premise of the indigenous, I guess I need to collect more info” 

“A lot happened so to say. I gotta rest soon. If allowed, I can bring something from here, take it with me when I get back home. Pictures seem the best answer. Or something na’vi related. My little girl knows so little of what is being told about pandora. Or knew I should say. How old is she now….? Probably a preteen. Guess I dodged a bullet. I know pre-teen years are hell. No, I shouldn't say that” 

“Soon baby girl. The wait will be worth it. Like I promised. Training day begins tomorrow, so, with that, this is jake sully, signing out” 

Jake’s pov 

“I am part of the people. I am the son of the people and child of Eywa. Passing my iknimaya, taming my ikran, everything. I am na’vi. It feels unreal, hard to accept. Tsu’tey and I are brothers, wasn't that long ago he wanted to kill me, calling me ugly, but now we are at the same level” 

“They celebrated my rebirth. It was fantastic, neytiri made me dance even though I was terrible at it. The whole thing felt magical. Truly, I felt like I really belonged somewhere, being accepted. It felt nice. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it did get better” 

“Surprise surprise, I am now mated to neytiri. She took me to the tree of voices, telling me of how sacred and precious it is, being able to connect to their ancestors. It was beautiful. Neytiri was beautiful, still is. Taking my breath away, and my availability” 

“I wouldn't change it for anything, she is someone I have come to love with all my heart. As cheesy as it sounds, it's true. Neytiri changed me, made me better, and I have no regrets”

Jake’s pov 

“They are starting to pressure us, more like me. The RDA really want the omatikaya gone, away from their home tree. Just because it houses the materials they want. It is not easy, none of it is easy. To tell them to leave, when it's been their home for thousands of years. According to Grace, I don't doubt her. This is their home, it is us who are the aliens” 

“They are not going to leave, nothing is going to change their minds. Worst yet, I know quaritch will do drastic things to get what he wants. I was an idiot to follow him, to believe him. What he will do, knowing his tactics, he will shed blood and bullets. I need to warn neytiri, mo’at, tsu’tey. Can't believe this is coming out of my mouth, but I pray to Eywa, that she guides me. What can I do to make sure things don't go downhill” 

“I came to make good money, to finish the mission given to me and be done with. Now, I am in a moral dilemma. I am stuck” 

Jake’s pov

“I am sorry. No amount of sorry’s that I say will ever be enough for anyone. Not to neytiri, not to eytukan, not to mo’at, tsu’tey grace, norm, anyone. It will never be enough. I brought this to them, it is only right that I help. War is coming, and soon. So many na’vi died when they destroyed their home tree. Many wounded, kids, infants, innocent lives” 

“Grace and I did our best to warn them, tell them to leave. Tsu’tey was adamant to fight, their weapons useless against the valkyries. In an instant, all was gone. I wanted to apologize to neytiri, she was furious, telling me I am not one of those people. She is right. Before anything more could be done, those damn bastards forced me to pull out. Pushed me in a tight closure” 

“Quaritch, a beast he is, heartless. Keeping me locked up yet outside of my cage he dangles the picture of my little girl. Telling me it's not too late to take his side if I ever want to go back to earth and see her again. Going on about how she will react to all of this. Her father rebelling against humanity. As much as I hate to admit…”

“He is right….I dont know if I will see her again. I hate to say….sacrifices have got to be made. I'm sorry, but I have to atone my sins. Like I said, no amount of sorry’s will be enough. Not even for my little girl, I am sorry baby girl, but daddy is not coming home”

Jake’s pov 

“We won. Quaritch is dead, and unfortunately, so is Grace and tsu’tey. Both sides lost many lives. Yet that is war, but we won. Humans are no more, many left, only few remained. Sworn their loyalty to the na’vi. Only they can stay. We made many sacrifices, I made many.  Many I dont regret, or will look back to. This is the beginning of a new chapter for me. There is nothing left to hold me back, not my past, not my memories.  I am at peace with what I did” 

“Neytiri is with a child, I am excited, I am going to be a father. I cant wait when they arrive, I will be there, welcoming my son or daughter into a new world of peace. First born, neytiri likes to say it over and over.  She is not wrong, our first child together in a new era of peace” 

“However there is still one thing left to do. A grand celebration is going to be held” 

“This I look forward to, many are coming together for it. It is my birthday after all, can't miss my own party. So, one last time. This is Jake Sully, the human, signing out. For good” 

Third pov

A young girl looks at the last vlog of her father, Jake Sully, eyes wide as she takes in what she just saw. This was a side she never knew, nor did she think it would be hidden.  

She clenches her hands into a fist tightly, gritting her teeth, her body shaking in fury. Hot tears streaming down her face, not knowing whether to cry in sadness or scream in anger. So many emotions mixed, creating a tornado in her mind. 

Hearing a door open behind her, she turns to glare at the man. 

“Why….” was all she could say before breaking down.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that is it for this chapter of the ongoing series! This one I chose to have only jake be the main point, his vlogs. See how his mind changes, perspective and what lead to the final choice. Trust me, this will come back for future chapters. So until next time! See ya!

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[saintjosie]

Hey, sorry for setting a bit of a depressing tone with this ask but im a struggling baby trans girl

Do you have any advice for coping with the thoughts of "i will never manage to mold my body into a woman's body"?

Right now i am unable to start transitioning due to multiple reasons - both social (especially family) and hrt accessibility related - and my biggest issue with my body is that it's just.. annoyingly masculine. Ever since i was 14 my legs had more and longer hair than my 30-something old cousin's husband. Ever since i was 12 i started feeling too ashamed of my body to wear short pants and it was only this year that i started feeling a bit more ok about it (I will not disclose my age publicly, but i am in university).

And it's like. It's so exhausting to look in the mirror and not only not recognise the face as my own, but often actively hate it. To look at my body and to barely tolerate it anymore

There are some things that i've tried. I've trimmed my leg hair (to a fourth of its original size), and the instant my parents noticed they mocked me. I'm trying to let my hair grow but not only am i getting bombarded with questions of "when are you gonna get a haircut/let me give you a haircut" from all members of my family, it's also in that incredibly awkwards state which i know i will have to push through, but it still makes it even harder for me to look into the mirror

Once again, sorry for the tone of this ask, but do you have any words of hope or advice?

im sorry youre going through all of that. its incredibly difficult and i feel for you. i think that one thing that i frequently see from people in the earliest stages in transition is the struggle of feeling like they will never see themselves in the mirror. and i get it. i was 29 by the time i started hormones and a big part of why i was scared to do it was because i also thought that i was never going to look the way i wanted to. and whether or not we like it, there is safety in being able to say, oh if i dont look the way i want to, then its better for me not to try at all. its a horrible feeling but its one that you've lived with for years and there is safety in the familiarity.

but that's the thing - no one ever looks 100% the way they want to. i dont know a single person who hasnt had the struggle of looking in the mirror and wishing they could change something. and yes, we as trans people face that much more than most other people but it is a human experience to want to change and better ourselves.

after four years of being on hormones, i still look in the mirror and see things i want to change but also that feeling is much much less now. and its not just the hormones either. i like the way i dress because i wear what i want to. i like my hair because i decided i wanted to grow it out and change the color. i stopped molding my appearance to fit other people's expectations. and in doing so, i found that liking something about myself mattered far more than if other peopled like it. so shave your legs! grow out your hair! when people ask you questions, dont answer or tell them to fuck off! you dont need to make excuses for yourself because you dont need an excuse to be who you want to be.

im gonna be completely honest with you - it will not be easy. and youre not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly find that your entire perspective has changed. in fact it is very likely, and very human, to continue to question the decisions you make. but always remember, you know who you are. and if you dont know, then only you are capable of finding out. and so i say with all the love in the world, i hope you find yourself and learn to love yourself in the process <3

[pruneunfair]

Rating female leads in manhwa.

Navier

6/10, I absolutely hate her writting and has devolved into a mary sue who only reacts to everything around her while her mass of supporters never shut up about great she is. Her synopsis claiming her as someone who loves all her subjects gets contradicted when its shown she doesnt really care about the slaves.

BUT in season 1 she wasn't bad, I liked her resolve and it was when she actually cared for her people, I feel like if we got to see a clear backstory beyond "she wasn't allowed outside when she studied to be empress" I would understand her total apathy more.

Ariande

7/10, I adore villains, especially villainous protagonists and at first I liked the idea she wouldn't be any better than her family but still had a soft spot for Arabella, she loses a few points because it turns out she's excused for killing people before in the name of "love" and is viewed as someone who can do no wrong.

Adelaide

10/10, she's like Navier but better, she has more noticeable flaws and while she is a kick ass warrior during the tower arcs she still is human and can't always take it alone without consequences, she acknowledges Diane's struggles and makes an effort not to be her enemy and is proof that you dont need to make FL overpowered gods to be strong women. A beautifully made FL in a underrated story

Robellia

1/10, She doesn't divorce her husband despite the title literally being "I will divorce my tyrant husband." But that's more of a problem in most other manhwa. She's too much of a perfect epic goddess for me and most of all she does the whole "buying all the slaves but giving them a home." to make her look even better, what is with manhwa and inserting slavery for no other reason other than to make the FL look better?

Arianna

0/10, there is nothing good about her. Other than being a mary sue and a personality that only revolves around the latest sexy man, she legit forces another guy to join her haram by threatening diplomatic war on his kingdom and bodyshames her fiance but all of a sudden wants him more than ever when he loses weight, it took a random chick being inserted with a 🍇ist persona to make her look "better."

Yerenica

6/10, in any other story, this girl would've been despised by the fandom for being a homewreaker/pick me. She gives me so much second hand embarrassment but she's not terrible, I actually really like her design too. Not a fan of the kidnapper-hostage relationship she and the ML have though.

Pereshati

10/10, the best one here. She feels so much more human than the others on this list, she's got flaws, a relationship with the ML Therdeo that has both realistic progression, blunders, but overall healthy love, she also has relationships outside of her husband which I really love, I actually get scared for her when shes in danger instead of the usual "oh great, heres the typical kidnapping trope", a great motherly FL

Hestia

5/10 I will be easy on her since I just started reading my derelict favorite but I've only heard bad things about it through spoilers so I don't have much hope, also girl, please acknowledge that just because your favorite character did it for love doesn't mean he's absolved for murdering 2 people, thank you

Edith

9/10, my 3rd favorite on this list. You do not know how happy I was when instead of immediately viewing Rhyse as a rival to defeat, she was actually nice to her and the chapters of them were so sweet, she even acknowledges that it isn't anyone's fault for acting out but the author who is pulling the strings.

Layla

8/10, I feel so bad for this poor girl. For some reason I noticed on reddit and tiktok that she's getting hate for not standing up to herself or just not being the usual "girlboss" protagonist, did it not occur that she cant do much to a duke!? Layla deserves so much better and she needs to be far away from Matthias, I don't care if it's "dark romance" he is torturing her for his own pleasure.

[ampzura]

i’ll be there // Ch. 1

sam carpenter x fem!reader - masterlist

Samantha Carpenter struggles with her new life in NYC, not having much of a purpose other than to be the protector of her friends and family, and to attend therapy for feeling like an absolute psychopath and having the whole word view her as such. With all of her vices, will Sam be able to open her heart and let someone in?

wordcount: 2300

!! not proof-read, will edit. english isnt my first language haha

Sam had hoped moving to New York in an attempt to escape the trauma Woodsburo had brought, and so Tara and her friends could pursue their education would have lessened the constant paranoia and hateful looks she received, but if anything it only worsened.

News of the Woodsburo murders, and of Samantha Carpenter’s relations to the infamous Billy Loomis had spread all throughout the country, including stories of how the proclaimed “final girl” was the reason for the murders in the first place, and how she must carry the evil spirit of her father. Despite the constant speculation and sick rumors, Sam didn’t let any of it affect her.. atleast not publicly.

Afterall, the older Carpenter was preoccupied with keeping her younger sister, Tara safe, Something Tara personally hated. She understood Sams intentions, especially given the horrors they went through together back home, but all she wanted was freedom from all of this mess, and stubborn as ever, Tara would pull away from her sisters grasps whenever she could.

This once again led to Sam standing against the wall of some fraternity party swigging a bottle. Her eyes scanning the crowds of drunk college kids making sure Tara, aswell as her friends, Mindy, Chad, and Anika, weren’t making any stupid decisions. She’s incredibly focused, and any normal person would see her scowl and defensive stance and make the smart decision to back away. It’s what Sam expects, not opposed in the slightest as shes never been much of a social person. Thus, when she catches glimpse of a figure slip around her out of the corner of her eye, she startles, nearly dropping her drink.

Sam stands tall at around 5’9, so she barely notices when a shorter figure appears right beside her, looking up at her with a piercing gaze.

She looks down at the petite woman next to her. Normally, she wouldnt pay this person any mind, especially one this short and unthreatening looking, But she still stares, wondering how she even got there. she crosses her arms over her chest and takes a drink from her own bottle

“Watch where youre going”

Sam mutters, looking back up

The woman’s eyes narrow, but she masks a sly playful expression, contrasting sams gruff scowl.

“Why assume i didnt mean to come over here?”

Sam assumes this is just another person who had seen her on the news, eyeing her up and down, trying not to roll her eyes. This girl couldnt be the killer, but considering her size she seems too small to do any real damage. Sam grumbles.

“Why are you lookin at me?”

The other girl shrugs, leaning against the wall next to Sam and sipping on her own drink.

“Didn’t know it was illegal to stare at people scowling in a corner at a frat party”

Sam rolls her eyes

“Its not, i just don’t understand what you want from me”

The other girl shrugs again, speaking in a nonchalant tone

“To get to know you, you seem interesting”

Frowning little and tilting her head, Sams curiosity is getting the better of her, but not to the point shes gonna go and trust this girl and spill her darkest secrets. Shes always on edge, so even a slight tone change makes her suspicious. so she tries to keep her rough tone, but its not working.

“What about me?”

“i dont know.. why dont you tell me?”

The woman whispers, leaning against the wall next to sam, who is desperately trying to keep watching her friends and tara, but failing and getting distracted.

Sam eyes the short girl and swishes the alcohol in her bottle, suspicion spiking now and though she is trying not to, she is failing at trying to continue her grumpy attitude. Shes got her hand wrapped around the pepper spray on her keychain, just incase this girl tries anything, but she just stares, wondering why she even cares.

“I dont know? im.. just me”

The woman smiles shyly, shrugging

“thats oka-“

Before she finishes her sentence, some drunk guys rush past, pushing sam and her possible new friend aside roughly, Sam nearly drops her drink, and y/n is pushed right against sam. The taller woman groans in annoyance at the sudden impact, when she gets herself back together, she realizes the other stands fitting right under sams arm against her, seeming startled.

Sam hisses and looks down, noticing the woman stands right underneath her arm. if anything, shes startled as well. She cant help it though and her arms and hands instinctively wrap around y/n’s waist as she keeps her in place as well as protecting her from the crowd. Shes never protected someone before, other than her younger sister, but it was her instinct to grab this stranger by her waist. Sam doesnt know how she let this happen, but now this girl is pressed right up against her, and shes surprised that she didnt push her away yet. Normally she wouldnt be okay with someone touching her and would distance herself, but even though she seems annoyed and disgruntled, she doesnt move away. Instead Sam just keeps her arm around this girl, the pepper spray key chain hanging down as her hand rests on the shorter womans back. Shes a lot closer to her than she had anticipated.

The girls eyes widen slightly and she lets out a soft “oh-“ when sam grabs her to keep her standing. y/n sees the pepperspray out of the corner of her eye but seems not to react, instead getting distracted by sams toned biceps and overall upper body, a faint blush creeping onto her face. Sam is immediately confused with herself and gets the instinct to back away. sam didnt come here to make friends, shes here to watch and protect Tara and her existing friends.

She seems to snap out of her instincts and realized she held the girl a bit longer than she should have. She tries not to stare too hard at the smaller woman, though her curiosity and intrigue continues to grow. she doesnt push the girl away and looks away as she puts one hand on her drink and looks off to the side, clearing her throat

“you alright?”

Sam asks with a gentle voice she didnt expect to come out of her. shes usually loud, and rude, shes surprised by the softness to her tone.

“y-yeah..”

y/n mumbles, still blushing as she watches sams hand slowly leave her waist.

“thank you..”

Sam raises an eyebrow at y/n. She didnt know if she was actually okay, but shes not gonna ask again, Keeping one hand on her drink as she crosses her arms over her chest again. Shes still watching y/n, though in the corner of her eye, as shes back to keeping a close watch on her Tara, among other friends she’s looking out for.

“hm. youre welcome.”

“whats your name?”

y/n blurts out suddenly, unsure of a better time to ask

Sam looks back at the girl and narrows her eyes into slight suspicion again. She never really liked giving out her info, especially during this era. But.. for some reason she caves, shrugging and then leaning back against the wall.

“Sam. Your name?”

“y/n”

She responds, leaning against the wall next to sam, having to look up to talk to her

“Hi Sam..”

Sam just lets out a short hum as a response. Its unusual for sam to feel this way around someone, not so on edge as she usually is.

She just keeps a close eye on everything around her, mainly Tara and co, but y/n was slightly distracting.

y/n tilts her head, the playful glint returning to her hazel eyes

“What, am I not interesting enough for you to look at?”

Sam looks at y/n, raiseing an eyebrow with a flat look.

“I was watching everything, and youre included. So yes. youre interesting enough”

She just takes a sip from her drink, trying to keep her tone even.

“You seem distracted”

Sam mumbles something in response but y/n doesnt catch it, squinting at the tall girl instead.

“Okay.. so what are you doing here if you dont like parties? No ones forcing you to be here you know.. you dont seem like a party person.”

“..yeah. I have to watch my friends and sister.”

she takes another sip of her drink, not taking her eyes off the crowd as she does so.

y/n tilts her head

“You have to babysit your adult friends and sister?”

Sam just scoffs and rolls her eyes, her tone going back to being harsh. She never liked the “babysitter” word that some people like to use when talking about her. She crosses her arms over her chest again.

“If youre calling this babysitting, then yes i have to babysit my “adult friends” and sister.”

“Why?”

Sam scoffs again, her tone becoming harsher when y/n doesn’t even know the answer and has probably never been in her situation.

“Because they need me. Because someone in this world is always out to kill them.”

Sam eyes the shorter woman again, then glances back to the crowd. She doesn’t even know why she’s explaining this to a stranger.

“Oh.”

It clicks in y/n’s head that the taller woman is refferring to the recent ghostface killings. She had heard of them all over, and how they were starting to pop up around NYC.

Sam is surprised when it clicks for her. Usually people ask, “what do you mean someone’s out to kill them?” or “why do they need you?” or “you can’t be serious” but y/n didnt. She just put the pieces together. and sam didn’t know what to say further. She takes another sip from her drink as she glances around the party, now a bit more anxious

y/n looks somber when the killings are mentioned, an expression Sam barely notices

“What about your own enjoyment?”

The paranoid woman’s stomach drops at the mention of her own enjoyment. She actually hasn’t had any.. in a while. For a long time. Shes always on duty. Always keeping an eye on things and everyone else. she didn’t even think she deserved any own enjoyment. Sam was doing this for everyone else, not herself. She shakes her head and takes another sip from her drink, her tone a bit harsh

“im more concerned about their lives than my enioyment”

“mm..”

y/n’s change of voice is hard to hide as she says something that catches sam off guard entirely.

“You’re a really good person.. the kind people should appreciate more”

Samantha is taken back when she hears the compliment, and she stays silent for a moment. She didnt think she was a good person. She didnt think she was anything. Sam just shook her head, not knowing what to say. She was Billy Loomis’ daughter..

“no im not-“

She quickly argues. it wasnt true. she just did what she had to do, she had to protect. there was nothing else to it. Sam took another sip from her drink, hoping y/n would just move on, because she didnt want to talk about it

“hush”

The other woman cuts her off, glancing up at her and takes a sip of her own drink. Sam can see that her eyes seem to be slightly moist*

“youre perfect”

y/n whispers, barely able to be heard under the loud party music.

Sams eyes widen again. Her heart rate speeds up just from y/n calling her perfect. this isnt right. Sam wasnt perfect. she killed someone. Sam feels all her walls just break down at this point, which is incredibly out of character for her.

“im- im not perfect-“

Sam whispers, almost like a whimper. her harshness fades away and her gentle look comes in place as she stares down at y/n.

Sam blinks in complete shock. Was this girl about to cry? and why was she telling Sam she was perfect? therapy tall woman doesnt know what to do with this comment, and her cheeks had heated up a bit. Sam was about to speak when she notices those little tears in y/n’s eyes and stops herself. She cant say what she was about to say. she just watches her.

y/n smiles faintly, clearing her thoat

“i-i should go.. and leave you to your babysitting.”

Sam watches her, eyes soft as she sees her smile. She was hoping she didnt hear that right, but she couldnt get herself to stop her. Sam was about to speak again, but the harshness in her voice was completely gone. there was no more scowl, and she was just being soft like y/n was. As the short woman begins to walk away though, Sam stops her and grabs her hand. Startled, her head darts around and she looks up at Sam, a tear already threatening to fall.

..!

Sam freezes for a second, then realizes that she just grabbed y/n’s hand and is still holding onto her hand. In this moment, her mind is racing. She wants to say something but cant. She wants to ask something but feels this is just wrong. Sam watches as the tear runs down her cheek. She sees it and freezes. She cant help but feel guilty for making this girl almost cry. Normally, Sam would have let her go, and let the girl cry without even a care, but.. this was different. There was an urge to comfort her. So sam just takes a little step closer and gently grabs the girls chin, tilting her head up to look at her, all care about Tara and ghostface vanished.

“dont..”

[myobsessionsspace]

Hi! I hope you dont mind this. I recently was informing myself more about bts and their past experiences, and i’m very probably wrong but i noticed how a lot of members (all of them, actually) have talked about and showed more or less some struggles, such as jimin, or v when he looked really numb and lost during official events, or yoongi, except for jungkook (and maybe jin?).

Except for that time when yoongi told us he sent jungkook a message saying he loved him (which makes me believe jungkook was going through a hard time), or others “small” episodes, jungkook himself never expressed a specific period of time where he was struggling for whatever reason, and it shocked me to hear him saying in ays that he doesn’t feel like writing his own songs because he doesn’t have much to say. To me it looks like he maybe downplays/avoids talking about his own hard feelings and times, despite probably being one of the members who struggles and struggled the most (his unreleased song being a good example, in my opinion), but i still came here to get another point of view because i feel wrong for being so introspective and making psychoanalyses about him. Maybe my curiosity is having the best of me and that’s all this is about🙏. But really, the way he can go through the most gut wrenching moments and still smile on stage or lives makes this whole thing really interesting to me and it’s more of an appreciation and empathetic thing than anything else.

We saw him saying he doesn’t think he really has a worth, saying he’s not good at everything and has a lot of flaws, we saw him sad during last year’s lives on weverse, but i can’t find anything where he really shared something regarding his own sad and depressed feelings, despite him being such a sensitive individual and being… human, which means he definitely has had hard times.

Do you think there was a specific year/time when jungkook looked sad or different from the cheerful and happy jk we know, and what’s your opinion on him not really sharing it? I hope again my question doesn’t sound inappropriate or rude in any way, i don’t want this to come off as invasive or wanting in any way to force jungkook to express his personal struggles. And really, excuse me if i just missed content and i’m asking things i could easily find myself. I appreciate you so much.

Hi Lovely!

Thank you so much for this ask! It’s sooo juicy 😍

I’ve been mulling over it for a while because it’s something that I could talk about without ever stopping. It’s an ask that could allow me to get into the evolution of Jungkook from trainee days to now, you know.

It’s an ask that I could talk about and ‘compare’ (I hate that though, comparing people 🙈) the members and their different approaches to music when it comes to their group and solo work and how theirs to has evolved.

I’m not gonna lie I felt a bit defensive for Jungkook during his solo era. Something the fandom loves to do is ‘ours are better than yours’ with others, even within their own members, they like to be like ‘our group has the most song writing credits’ which leads to comparison with other groups, which leads to comparisons within the group and members solos etc.

When Jungkook’s turn came around I feel like there was a lot of expectation. I can only imagine what Jungkook himself felt.

Jungkook & Songwriting

‘and it shocked me to hear him saying in ays that he doesn’t feel like writing his own songs because he doesn’t have much to say.’

To this point I think it shows what I’m saying, the expectation and comparison. I think because BTS have always been lauded as involved in their music, because it was something that wasn’t really the standard to kpop for their generation and those before, there’s always kind of been an expectation of them? But I don’t know if it’s because JK is one of my biases, but I feel like he was more ‘vilified’ for an album comprised of songs written by others and solely in English

The thing is though BTS do and have had much more creative control than a lot of kpop groups of their generation and the generations before, it’s not as straightforward as that. I don’t want to diminish anyone’s contribution or years of work, but it would be worth noting how one can get a songwriting credit. The rap line write their own bars, so for any song rap line have a rap verse, that’s an automatic songwriting credit.

Within a song making process there can be so many hands involved and points where tweaks are made, sometimes people can all get together and think tank the creation of the song lyrics, leading to the core group of writers, then through the recording process when tweaks are made more songwriting credits get added etc.

Or someone could write a song and due to the song being their baby not allow for many changes made apart from maybe by one producer, leading to only one or two song writing credits vs 7 song writing credits on one song.

Jungkook’s solo & group contributions

Each song would have a story behind it as to the level of contribution from JK (and other members) but it wouldn’t change the fact that he’d be entitled to a songwriting credit. For example ‘Dreamers’ was a song already done and sent to him for recording, but through tweaks made in the recording process Jungkook earned a songwriting credit.

Songs for ARMY

Whereas we know songs like ‘Still With You’ ‘My You’ were Jungkook’s babies and songs with only credits for Jungkook and the producer.

Isn’t it interesting the songs that Jungkook has the most involvement, if not primary involvement, are the songs about ARMY?

Jungkook has said that he like Jin, don’t hold on to negative emotions. They deal and move on.

However it seems like there’s one emotion that’s always remained constant and true to Jungkook, his love for army. I mean this man was so confident in this that he tattooed ARMY. He grew up with army, they supported his career and cheered him on, he’s said it’s because of being in the group and the group being successful that he’s been able to experience things such as the travels and activities in shows for army and the delights 🥴 of twinkies.

Not only is it easy for Jungkook to speak to army via lives etc it’s easy for him to speak to army via songs. It’s not a feeling he wants to process and move on from.

A Dramatic Shift?

‘and it shocked me to hear him saying in ays that he doesn’t feel like writing his own songs because he doesn’t have much to say.’

Is that all he said?

Where Jungkook talks about wanting to focus on displaying his vocals and focusing on different songs to display them rather than focusing on songwriting

I think I again maybe it’s a combination of comparison and expectations?

He has spoken before of his wish to try singing different stories not his own

If you don’t do anything at all, please have a look at this post and watch the live & video in it, if you want some understanding about Jungkook from Jungkook himself.

Thoughts for Another Time

‘Except for that time when yoongi told us he sent jungkook a message saying he loved him (which makes me believe jungkook was going through a hard time)’

I actually have a whole separate theory about this moment right here. I’ve talked about it with others in the past. It’s something that would need a whole separate post to get into.

Do We Delve Too Deep?

‘i feel wrong for being so introspective and making psychoanalyses about him’

I think it’s the human condition to want to understand. I think it’s not an issue when you want to understand someone, someone that interests you, someone that brings you joy with their person and their talents. I think where you, myself and others have to be careful, is when we go from wanting to just understand someone to judging someone. Being disappointed in them for not living up to our expectations. When we thought we sussed them out and they don’t follow the path we thought made sense based on their past actions and our understanding of them.

With Jungkook, because we are not privy to the inner workings of of his mind, his emotions, his motivations, his day to day, it’s not fair to him as a human to be disappointed when he doesn’t do what we expect based on what he’s done in the past, based on what his members have done, based on what his fans expected.

It’s ok, I think, to sit and think on topics like this but I don’t think it’s ok to then project feelings onto someone because of it. They are our feelings and we need to understand why and then figure out what good they do to hold onto them? What it means going forward if those feeling hold value to us, do we still support, follow, invest or do we adjust our thinking or involvement? That’s what we have control over.

The kind of person Jungkook is

I’d like to preface this by saying I am one person on the internet. Same as anyone else, with no more or less access to him than the majority of us. The same media I consume is what is available to us all. His lives, his interviews, his songs, festas, memories, bombs, episodes, shows, documentaries etc.

All my inferences are from these, not Jungkoook himself, not a company insider, not a friend of a friend of the members, a sister of one of the members siblings friends 🤡 my opinion and opinion only 😅.

He is who he is. He says what he says. Even the members at times feel like they want to dig soul bearing emotions out of him

They’ve been saying for years

When is Too Much, Too Much?

‘Do you think there was a specific year/time when jungkook looked sad or different from the cheerful and happy jk we know’

I don’t think looking to the past and nitpicking, microanalysing etc to point out where he looked the most miserable etc would do good to anyone. Being there in the moment, if we were, we would be trying to show him our love and support, empathising, seeing it to make ourselves not feel as alone, to see him as human etc.

For me to do that now for no reason as to just point out that…he’s…human? Well I think we should already know that. I do think Jungkook really was vulnerable and as open as he could be as an idol with millions of viewers during his lives of 2023.

That, I think, was one of the biggest windows into Jungkook the person, more as who his is now, the adult and not who he was when he was 19, 22, 24 etc. There were so many nuggets that could easily have been missed amongst the fun of the karaokes and cooking and eating etc.

I would advise you or anyone to, whenever you have free time, just pop in one of his lives, start from Feb and work your way through whenever you have a free moment (I know you said you have been 💜).

‘We saw him saying he doesn’t think he really has a worth, saying he’s not good at everything and has a lot of flaws, we saw him sad during last year’s lives on weverse, but i can’t find anything where he really shared something regarding his own sad and depressed feelings, despite him being such a sensitive individual and being… human, which means he definitely has had hard times.’

The thing is with this, in my opinion...when have any of the members been completely and utterly specific? We get little sentences or conversations here and there where we can refer to, but if it’s one thing I’ve come to realise about BTS is that they are good at letting us in without really letting us in. The hardships they have shared tbh can be generalised to each of them, struggling with idol body image, tough schedules, dance routines, being in their heads. Yes some members have spoken about their mental health struggles more than others (Namjoon & Yoongi), they’re not learning dance routines as quick as others or being confident with their dance (Namjoon & Jin).

But they’ve also all talked sometimes as a group of struggles, general to the group as a whole. I think if Jungkook didn’t share their sentiments, he would have said he didn’t?

Did we really know that they were on the verge of splitting until they said so on stage and then afterwards. We know of the few fights they tell us about and then those are the only ones they refer to for years after, and we can count them in one hand, vmin dumpling fight, namgi throwing laundry fight, hopekook and banana fight…?

When watching something like their last Festa Dinner, where the others talked, shared, poured out, like it’s been said in the past, when his hyung hurt is when he hurts. Maybe it is that he didn’t/doesn’t struggle with the same things that the other members struggled/struggle with. Being a trainee and an idol is all he’s ever known being with his hyungs, his friends, family, working, travelling, enjoying good food and good drink is Jungkook. Namjoon (David Quinones and producer Tony Esterly) writing a song like ‘Begin’ to capture Jungkook’s essence?

Source: Doolset Bangtan

We know that Jungkook started trainee life in 2010? Born in 1997, ignoring Korean age system he’d have been around 13? I think we can guess the general kind of hardships pre 13.

Then once trainee life started we’ve heard him talk about having to learn to share, having to learn to dance and sing plus schooling where he probably had people either teasing him for thinking his was ‘a hotshot’ or wanting to be his friend because he was a trainee then a famous idol or constantly filming him, picturing him and gossiping about him? Away from home, constantly aching and exhausted, not knowing if he’d make it.

He has done vlogs where he talks about seeing his parents after a long time and how happy he was, he’s shown how happy he was to celebrate his graduation with his hyung and more interested in hanging out with them, than celebrating with his fellow schoolers. He’s talked with Jimin in a live about how after dance training he found a new passion and considered giving up being in the group.

Blog of his time in The US getting extra dance training & Part 2

It seems like with Jungkook he is someone to focus on the good, instead of the misssing his family, he talks to fans about the happiness in reuniting, instead of the difficulties of schooling he talks about the gratitude in having his idol career be successful enough to not be concerned with not being the best at school etc.

So I’d say over the years he has with little sentences here and there talked about his hardships but they probably don’t stand out as much because he, maybe through conscious effort, tells it to fans when there’s a positive to take from it. Like you also noted: ‘still smile on stage or lives makes this whole thing really interesting to me and it’s more of an appreciation and empathetic thing than anything else.’

He Is Who He Is

I wrote this at a point when I wanted people to understand a bit more about Jungkook, yes it’s in relation to his bond with Jimin but mainly focuses on Jungkook’s personality

His MBTI

Introvert, introvert, introvert!

He’s taken his MTBI several times through the years and one thing that has always remained consistent was his introvertion. talking about others, talking about ARMY maybe comes more easily to him than talking, writing and singing about himself?

He himself takes stock in his MBTI and seems to feel it does reflect him.

Music Is His Love & Passion

when all the members got to design their rooms, this was Jungkook’s design. Music is his love & passion through and through

When you want to make Jungkook happy, give him a karaoke mic and leave him be.

Suchwita - Jungkook Karaoke Special

I don’t think we have to worry for a long long time about not getting new music from Jungkook, songs written by others, songs written by him, songs about others’ experiences and songs about his own, we gotta just

‘Let Him Kook’ TD;LR

Jungkook is as complex a human as any other member but more often than not, a typical introvert, one to live in the now and man of few words.

Vulnerable, raw Jungkook. Listening to the song made by ARMY for BTS after their pause in group activities. Jungkook feeling with ARMY on world tour. Jungkook with ARMY on white day.

Ask him to write a song about ARMY and he can give you 10 but ask him to release a body of work that reflects him through and through, the perfectionist that he is, the introvert that he is, the experiences he’s had that he’s moved on from…as he said, there’s plenty of time for more from him in the future.

After his billboard number one’s for ‘Seven’ his debut solo single

He seems to not be someone to dwell on the sad and the hard but to deal with it and move on. He seems like someone who wants to share the good with people, not have people sad for him, in his songs he seems to want to reflect this hence his songwriting being more in that vein.

He like struggles like everyone else, has hardships like the others, has lows etc but his personality seems to not see the point in sharing to the extent some may want or get from the other members.

The reason we love each of them is BECAUSE they’re not the same, right? Right!

There is soo much more I could say (as one of my biases I could talk about him all day!) but tbh I needed to post this as is, because I was starting to obsess over this ask and letting it snowball🙈

Maybe we can come back to some points and tackle each separately one day. Thank you again lovely!

💜

[signanothername]

I don't have any ask I just wanted to tell you I find you awesome and cool, I really like your art and your takes on all of the characters and people seem to really like you and your art, and I'm kind of jealous of you but I also look up to you way too much to really envy you. I draw undertale au stuff too but I don't really know what I'm doing at all, both with art in general and also just embodying the characters, I'm really not that great at sticking to canon and i dont know if people like it or not, i post some of my doodles and it gets likes and wordless reblogs hut people never really gige their opinion and it just makes me feel so unsure on if im actually doing it right or on what the stuff i need to improve on is. I really want to be like you one day, you just seem do unbothered and free with your art, I really try to be like that but I just get so anxious about doing it right and any mistakes just freak me out so much, I know art should just be for yourself but I just feel so anxious not having people give me their opinions.

Went on a but of a rant there- hope I'm not oversharing too much- but anyways- I just think you're really cool and I really like your art and I hope that by the time I'm your age I'll be just as good at it as you

Aww thank you <3333

But Anon *holds you gently by the shoulders*

I am unbothered and free with my art, but what if I told you I was never like that before? What if I told you I used to be super harsh on myself, super anxious by what I do, very doubtful and unsure?

I completely understand your anxiety, because I used to be in the exact same position as you at some point

The thing is tho, you have to draw for yourself first and foremost, and I completely get it, you want people to leave comments and tags telling you your art and ideas are good, which is a completely valid wish, you’re not selfish for wanting people to acknowledge your ideas and art, but if you only focus on how many tagged reblogs you have or if people leave comments or not, you’ll eventually hate your own art

I say this as someone who was super focused on these kinda things at some point, I genuinely ended up losing my passion for art over it, even almost gave up on art entirely cause of it, like, I wouldn’t be here today, I wouldn’t be the artist you look up to today if I actually decided to give up on my art 3 years ago

That being said, Anon, whenever you start your journey with character writing and exploration of your ideas and art, you’re going to grow and change as time goes on, improving day by day without even realizing it

Here’s a bitter truth, no one starts with good art or good ideas or good writing, these are skills, they require experience and trial and error, you need to make mistakes if you want to improve

I get that making mistakes is scary, and sometimes feels embarrassing, but mistakes is what makes you learn and take the next step to become better, to try and not make the same mistake again

I made so many mistakes throughout my art journey, from art mistakes to writing mistakes to ideas that doesn’t make sense, it’s a completely natural process, making mistakes isn’t something you can control, but do you know what you can actually control? What you learn from your mistakes

What if I told you, I never really wrote Killer the same way you see today? Back in 2019, I was obviously trying to stick to canon cause that’s what I love, but now that I look back at my old art, I wasn’t really sticking to it as much as I used to think

Which is fine cause it’s just part of my journey to learn how to write him actually sticking to canon, my writing of him and other characters evolved and developed and changed, and that’s something that will happen with you too, it’s completely natural in the entire process of art and writing

Your art and ideas are eventually going to be recognized, but your first priority should always be your happiness and joy first and foremost, when you post something, refrain from checking constantly to see if you got comments or not, because here’s another bitter truth, it simply won’t happen overnight

It’ll take a lot of time and effort, but you’ll be recognized one day, but until then? Try to focus on what makes you happy, draw for yourself not for others

That being said, I still want you to look back at the few likes and reblogs you got, and I want you to actually look at them, not as numbers, but as people

These few likes and wordless reblogs are people, they’re few, but they loved your art enough to like and reblog it, they loved your art enough to let you know they did, even if in a subtle way

Hell, it could be one single person, I want you to look at them and recognize that they loved your art

Once you stop looking at them as numbers and instead as people who took a tiny bit of their time to let you know they loved your art via like/ wordless reblog, you’ll come to appreciate such subtle actions more

You won’t just be as good as me, I believe you’ll even surpass me one day, just make sure you don’t lose your passion for art kay? <3

[adaelines]

Jealousy, A Bitter Drink.

once again its 4am and im posting smut! yay!

vash the stampede x reader

warnings for vash alien genitalia, reader being jealous, sub whiny vash my favourite! in the back alley behind a inn so Techically public but you dont get caught or anything! you shove your fingers in his mouth to keep him quiet.

You were nearly at your wits end. 

Vash hadn’t done anything wrong, per say, but when the entire gang decides to go out drinking after finally arriving at an inn and he’s spending all his attention on someone else, you can’t help but feel unease. You trust him with your entire heart, with everything you are, you know he would never do anything, but you can’t help the jealousy that simmers in your chest everytime you look over and see him laughing at what the girl obviously flirting with him says. 

It’s almost too much, and if the glare you’re fixing them both with doesn’t alert them, you don’t know what else will. You could always approach, kindly let her know Vash is taken, and talk with him yourself but.. You don’t want Vash to think you don’t trust him, that you think he can’t handle himself. So you sit and stew in your bitter feelings, hand around your drink tightening, and you swear on any gods out there if she gets even the tiniest bit closer, you’re gonna go over there and throw the glass at her. You’re sitting with Meryl, Wolfwood, and Milly, but you haven’t paid attention to them at all since Vash went to get you both drinks and didn’t return. Awfully rude of hi, you thought with a pout, keeping you waiting for a girl? Maybe there would be a better way to deal with this, a better way to get back his attention, one that doesn’t involve violence that he so deeply hates. 

So with a smile and a quiet laugh, you tell the three people you’re sitting with you’ll go and collect your rowdy lover and your drinks, and hope that they don’t see the devious plan brewing behind your eyes. You give them a smile and a wave, and they’re quick to go back to arguing about whatever they were before you interrupted. Picking up your glass, you walk over to Vash and the girl with a smile. One you know Vash will be able to tell is fake, but not the girl you’re about to steal him from. Well, it’s not your fault, she stole his attention first and Vash needs reminding just who he belongs to. 

The walk over to him was brisk, and when you gently place a hand on his arm and tell him you need to speak to him privately, outside, he immediately knew he was in trouble. Vash gave the girl a sheepish smile and then followed his lover, laughing with nerves, but directly on your heels. You led him outside, around the back of the inn where you were staying, and gave him an innocent smile. You wouldn’t be disturbed here at least, as long as Vash could be quiet, and he wasn’t known for being quiet. 

‘’You took an awfully long time with our drinks, Vash, distracted?’’ The innocent smile remained on your face as you spoke to him, stepping closer and crowding him against the wall behind. 

‘’A-ah,’’ Vash stuttered, his face quickly flushing. He knew you well enough to tell when an innocent smile was not so, and whilst he realised what had happened, he still flashed you a bashful smile., ‘’I’m so sorry! I know i was getting you a drink but… but someone started talking to me, i didn’t want to just ignore them!’’ 

You knew what he was like, knew that sometimes he was too nice for his own good, and the actual worry nipping at your brain quickly left. You’d still have your fun with him, still mess around with him, but you knew sometimes he was just too good, and you never could actually blame him for that. It was just one of the many reasons you loved him, and you could never ever be mad at him for something that was just so incredible about him. With a devious smile, you pressed your hand against his chest, gently moving it up until you took a hold of his jaw. You made sure to linger around the places you knew he was sensitive, the places you knew would cause a hitch in his breath and the flush on his cheeks to spread. Trailing kisses from his lips to his ear, you took the lobe between your teeth, before quietly whispering directly in his ear.

‘’You’ll have to be quiet, sweetheart. Don’t want to get us kicked out when we finally found a nice inn for us… you remember your safe-word, yeah?’’ 

At Vash’s high pitch whimper, you couldn’t help but pull away and coo at him. His cheeks were flushed a dark red, his eyes wide and mouth wobbly. You really couldn’t help but tease him, he was just too cute sometimes.

‘’Aw, baby, that’s all I need to mention to get you worked up? Aren’t you a needy thing? Let me take care of you Vash, I still have to remind you who you belong to..’’

With a wicked smile and one last kiss pressed to his lips, you trailed kisses down his neck. Listening to his whines, his quiet moans and just the simplest of kisses, you really couldn’t wait to listen to him trying to keep himself together. You continued, moving down his chest, until you had to sink onto your knees to keep going. Vash whimpered again at the sight, leaning his head back and closing his eyes tightly. Simply looking at you was enough for him to feel the slick between his legs, feel his cock twitch from where it sat between his lips inside of him, and he gently moved one shaky hand to brush the hair away from your face. You always got to him so quickly, with a few simple words and touches he would be completely under your spell, completely willing and wanting. He’d do anything for you if you simply asked, and it showed in just how he was looking at you when he opened his eyes, full of nerves, anxiety, but above that full of absolute adoration and lust. 

Slowly, gently, you began at the buttons on his pants. You wanted to take your time with him, as much as you could behind a dingy old inn, with kisses pressed against the wiry blonde hair that lead from below his belly button to the top of his pants. The way you looked up at him between your eyelashes was almost too much for him, his legs already beginning to shake where he was standing. His quiet whimpers of ‘’please, please, can’t wait anymore…’’ caused you to smile against his happy trail, letting out a quiet laugh. You gently hooked your fingers into the band of his pants and underwear, tugging them down just enough to have access to his slick petal-like folds. You knew it usually took some encouragement for his cock to come out, encouragement you were more than happy to provide. 

‘’Please, please, fuck, i need you so bad…’’’ Vash whined quietly, his head banging against the wall when he threw it back and bared his neck to you. You used your hands to shove his knees apart, causing him to squeak, giving you more room to move between his legs. He looked utterly debauched at the moment. Shirt riding up his stomach, the kiss and bite marks you had previously left on show, his stomach and chest littered in purple bruises and teeth indentations. His face was so flushed you would be worried he had a fever if you weren’t on your knees in front of him, and his expression was so desperate, so lewd and full of wanton need, you wanted to make him beg for hours until he lost his voice and had to explain just why even talking made his throat hurt. 

‘’It’s okay, sweetheart, i’ll take care of you..’’ You leant forward slowly, teasingly, pressing a kiss against his folds. One of your hands came up to gently rub the spot where his lips met, eyes staring up at him the entire time. You wanted to see every reaction, every little whimper and shudder, anything. Using your fingers to spread his folds, you pressed licks against his hole, as deep as you could reach with your other hand gripping onto his thigh so tight you were sure he’d have bruises, sure he’d be feeling you for days. He gave you a quick warning, a rushed ‘’ohmygodimsosorryitscomingout’’, before you pulled back and gently pressed a kiss to where his hip bone jutted out. His cock, lighter than his skin and as pretty as you would expect from a Plant, appeared from between his folds, and you immediately grinned up at him. He had no reason to be embarrassed, he was truly gorgeous, and deliciously sensitive.You couldn’t wait to get your hands, your lips, your anything on him. Even the cold air against him made him shudder, a shaky hand coming from against the wall to tangle itself in your hair. 

Wrapping your hand around his shaft, even that slight pressure was enough to make a very loud whine come from him, you leant forward and pressed a kiss to the tip of his cock. You gave him a grin when he struggled to keep himself together, told him to lean forward, and when he did, you shoved your fingers in his mouth. You had to keep him quiet somehow, had to make sure he didn’t make too much of a mess and you always did love having him suck on your fingers. The grin on your face never faded, not as Vash somehow became even more flustered, or as he let out the loudest moan yet. You knew from experience that his teeth were much sharper than those of a human, sharp enough to easily cut skin, but you didn’t care if you ended up with rings of teeth shaped cuts around the bottom of your fingers. Anything was worth it to see the look on his face as he swirled his tongue around your fingers, eyes lidded and full of desperation. He always shut up quickly with your fingers in his mouth, always immediately became the obedient boy he truly was.

‘’What a good boy,’’ you hummed, ‘’My good boy, keep quiet, yeah? I’m not stopping till you’re begging me to.’’

And when he desperately nodded around your fingers, you leaned forward, taking his tip into your mouth. You had to stop a grin at the noise he let out, muffled by your fingers, and you looked up at him through your eyelashes. Vash was always so pretty like this. Always so gorgeous when he’d take anything you gave him, willing to submit to anything you wanted to do. As you slowly lowered your mouth, taking him as deep as you could, his legs almost gave out from under him. If it wasn’t for your other hand wrapped around his thigh, keeping him stable and as close as physically possible, you wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up on the floor. You grinned around his cock, best as you possibly could, and as your nose was buried in the wiry blond hair at the base, you shoved your fingers as deep as you possibly could in your position. The noise he let out was gorgeous, a loud moan broken by a choke, and when you hummed around his length the whine he let out sounded more like a sob. 

‘’Mmnmclose… fuckfuckfuck…’’ Even around your fingers you could make out what he was trying to say, merely doubling your effort to make him cum. He always was so pretty when he got close, even more desperate and whiny. Even if it was hard on your throat to take him to the base, straining and almost making you choke, it was worth it for the look on his face. Was worth it for the way he whined your name around your fingers, the way he clenched his eye shut and nearly doubled over you. You let out as close to a laugh as you could with his cock down your throat, swallowing around him. Anything for the extra pressure, anything that would increase his whines and tip him just over the edge. Even as you gagged on him, eyes watering and hand around his thigh tightening, you pushed even more. His moans made it worth it, made it easy, and you only pulled away when the hand in your hair gripped tightly, his teeth bearing down on your fingers.

Even as the pain makes you wince, even as you feel your skin break and blood enter Vash’s mouth, even as he cums in yours, you don’t pull back. Not until he whines loudly around your fingers that he's cumming, he's cumming, please don’t stop! Not until you feel his cum down your throat, only ever pulling away when you feel as if you can’t breathe, you swallow as much as you can and grin up at him, making a show of it. Anything not in your mouth is on your face, and Vash slumps quickly. You pull your hand out of his mouth to support him as he slides down the wall to sit half in your lap, half on the floor, and you’re quick to wrap your arms around him. To tell him just how good he was for you, how he made you so proud. He spits the blood out of his mouth, giving you a wonky grin, and you laugh loudly at how funny he looks with the remaining blood and flush on his cheeks. You wipe the cum on your face with your shirt, deciding to worry about the stain later, and you press your lips to his.

‘’You okay?’’ Your voice is quiet, raspy from the strain on your throat, and you pull Vash as close to you as you possibly can. Maybe an alley behind the inn isn’t the best place to cuddle, but you can’t bring yourself to care when Vash is in your arms, when you're offering him comforting words and gentle kisses. In response to you, he nuzzles into your chest, a bright dopey grin on his face. 

‘’As good as one can be after uh, finishing, in your mouth!’’ Even in the afterglow he never fails to make you laugh, make you so happy you don’t even focus on the pain in your throat, and you give him the deepest, most passionate kiss you can muster. He deserves it after what you put him through, and he reciprocates quick, wrapping his arms around you as tight as he can and smiling into the kiss.  As you hear Meryl shouting for you both loudly, followed by a comment from Wolfwood that makes her even louder, you smile back into the kiss. You know Vash will get you back, and you can’t wait for him to even try.

[sadstrever]

ok i’m sorry i contemplated not posting this because it’s almost meanspo so just don’t read it if ur triggered. it’s also just bad advice, don’t starve yourself and don’t be an (vodka) alcoholic.please recover love you i guess

first off i wanna preface this by saying FUCK YOUUUUU. if ur a little fat baby piggy no friends bitch i don’t want ur advice or opinions on my alcohol consumption while i fast😭😋!!! i’ve lost like 40lbs since i’ve started being an alcoholic and it’s had absolutely no impact on my weight, cuz just to irritate for the 100th time on this account: I NEVER EAT HOE! anwyays sorry maybe i’m just too drunk but that really pissed me the fuck off. like GOD OKAY RUIN THAT FOR ME TOO. like ok i never get any calories in except for alc but sure fuck it yk, because YOU said that alc has calories(you don’t think i know that bro?) i’m just gonna suddenly stop being an alcoholic. and now i just feel like shit because i consume calories from alc and someone thinks thats a “judgey” thing to say to me. now i feel fat so thank you. like if i could stop drinking that easily i WOULD and if i could start eating without gaining weight every time i do I WOULD. ur so dumb. ugh. i hate myself i’m sorry i’m so mean i love you people and i hope ur healthy and happy. i just need to put my anger out on someone lol. BUT also genuinely liek you guys do piss me off tho cuz you think it’s some crazy impressive thing to not eat for a week or eat like a grape a day…like guys… it gets worse and you will see and you’re gonna hate ur life. if ur ed is at that point PLEASE RECOVER AND RECONSIDER IT GWTS SO MUCH WORSE UGH. AND NO ONES GONNA LISTEN BECAUSE I DIDNT EITHER. i want to save you guys so bad. like i hate that people still get to romanticize it without all the pain and suffering every single waking moment of the day. also i’m officially underweight so someone send me a 0 calorie cake in the mail😝🙏

anyways this is somehow too related and will sound so fake but i swear on my whole life and my mamas and my brothers and my papas this is a TRUE STORY!!! i saw an old friend today and the first thing they said was “oh my god you lost so much weight” “like ur arms, face, whole body damn” BASICALLY LIKE THAT OBVIOUSLY I DONT REMEMBER WORD FOR WORD. but bro i have never felt so fucking seen in my life. like finally someone besides my family or best friend noticed my weight loss damn. AND SHE ASKED IF SHE SHOULD BE WORRIED FUCKKKKK. like no you shouldn’t cuz i’m never gonna get better but like fuck thank you bro. no one comments on people’s weight anymore and it pisses me offfff like i know it’s rude but i needed that comment to make me wanna keep starving!

am i a piece of shit? like genuinely did the eating disorder make me a horrible evil miserable person? i have this thought that even if somehow i recover physically(i pray to god i never get fat[by my standards] again ) that i’ll never recover mentally. i’ll always have this fucked up judgement of right and wrong that revolves around the stupid idea of being thinner. does it even matter? no. no it doesn’t. but it’s my whole world. my whole world is how skinny i am and it’s so tiring. the highlight of my day was being called worryingly skinny by an old friend who doesn’t care if i live or die. the second highlight of my day was the fact that i got 28k steps and burning 800 calories at the gym and bought another bottle. i’m tired of being a bad person. im tired of being annoying and stupid and dumb. such a fuckup. i’m sorry if i’m a bad person and you had to read this and feel like shit because you had to sit through reading my awful terrible judgment and thoughts.

LAST POINT:

tomorrow i have to eat my first meal in months(for real this time) and i am so scared and upset. it’s like a piece of myself dies everytime i eat. without starvation i am nothing. i am a shell of a person and when i eat i just become a shell that feels fat. i’m gonna take laxatives obviously and do some workouts but it’s never enough. i’m gonna make sure the meal that i’m forced to eat is as low calorie as possible because i’ll be drinking alcohol too and APPARENTLY i should just kill myself because it’s a crime to still be an alcoholic when you’re starving yourself.

also alcohol most likely won’t make you gain weight unless it’s beer or seltzers and it especially won’t if ur always drinking on an empty stomach. vodka on an empty(for months) stomach plus working out excessively won’t make yoh gain weight. shut up shut up shut up shut THE FUCK up you bitches piss me off.

FUCK YOU.

[rememberingliampayne]

Dear Liam,

I first found out about 1D in late 2011 when a friend told me about 1D and wanted me to listen to the music and watch the music videos. I liked Gotta Be you the best back then and even then when I had no idea who any of you were i was drawn to your voice the most.

Then she made me watch the Up All Night DVD and what I can say: it was you from the very first minute. I cant say for sure what it was today, but I think it was your beautiful brown warm eyes and your big genuine smile that got me. And it never changed, you were my favorite from the beginning and you will always be my favorite.

I just realized in retroperspect that I was so drwan to you because i could relate to you: your perfectionism, the way you made sure everyone was fine (the fans, the band…) and also some of your mannerism. It helped me so much to see someone perceived as mature as you also show your joy and your playfulness because I did not have to be only mature – I could also be a kid at the same time. You got a lot of backlash when you slowly started to break out of the 'Daddy direction' role and it always felt unfair to me to burden you with that role. I think a lot of the last 10 years would have been different for you if that role had not fallen onto you.

I just want you to know that I appreciated you publically breaking out of the role more than you could ever known. You helped a girl that surpressed her own feelings for years to try to ease her familys burden, that tried to play grown up when she wasnt and had to deal with the consequences from all that for a long time to break out of this cycle. I dont think I would have been able to do that if not for you showing me that you dont have to play a role to ease others burden.

I still have to deal with some of the consequences of that and I dont think I will ever fully overcome it but I got a lot better and am in a mental place I never could have imagined. I will forever be sad that you did not get the help to overcome your struggles. You deserved it so much.

It makes me so angry that you never got to show us the music you were so proud of, that you never got to go on a proper tour. You were made to sing and to perform, your stage presence was one of the best I ever experienced. Your voice was so angelic, I would have listened to anything you would have sung. You helped so many people get better but never got the chance to get better yourself.

Liam, it was you from the very first time I heard a 1D song and watched any videos of you and it was you during your solo adventure till the end. It will always be you. I always rooted so hard for you and wished you everything you wanted, especially happiness. I will carry the sadness that you never got your happy end til the day I die. I am not religious but I believe in an afterlife and I am so absolutely sure that you got all the happiness and everything good you ever deserved up there. I hope you can see that despite you receiving so much hate there is also so much love for you.

At the moment the grief is too strong form me to listen to your music. But I know that once the grief is not as raw anymore I will happy bop to your voice again until I will hear it again in the afterlife.

Sleep well Liam, you deserve the peace.

[definitelynotshouting]

fic writer interview!

shamelessly yoinking from @karliahs bc this looks fun as hell to do :]

How many works do you have on AO3?

32 fics total, between my main and rough draft pseud!! which feels like a really small amount, honestly-- i think my private WIPs list is MUCH higher 😂😂😂😂 if we're counting my very first (and very abandoned) ao3 acct too, then that number is bumped up to 35!!

What's your total AO3 word count?

163,211, and a good 65k of that was written this year somehow??? according to my statistics ._. lowkey crazy to think about

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

paid for it with all of my blood (BNHA | 8,452)

at times so self destructive (BNHA | 4,554)

lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart) (HC/LIFE | 3,618)

or we can just have conversation (MSA | 1,834)

the art of rawgabbitry (BNHA | 1,609)

if youve been following me since my bnha fics in 2018 you deserve a veteran's discount

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i used to answer every single comment i got, honestly, unless it came by years after i posted it-- the only reason i dont as much anymore is because it gets REALLY overwhelming for me to respond to everyone after the initial barrage 😅😅 the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak etc etc. but i do read every comment and appreciate them SO SO MUCH, and whenever i find one particularly moving or want to just reassure people im still working on something i'll respond to those :]

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

not counting the wips that just never got finished and left off before their main shit could resolve, id say at times so self destructive (BNHA)-- i mean i LITERALLY ended it with izuku potentially dying 😭😭😭😭

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

tbh i dont think i write happy endings so much as i write hopeful, bittersweet, or open-ended ones-- i tend to like catharsis more than fluff when it comes down to it. but out of my fluff fics i think honey it's starting to storm (HC) is one of the genuinely sweetest ive written. my runner-ups on that would probably be when the smoke does finally pass (TMA) and or we could just have conversation (MSA) :]

Do you write crossovers?

not typically, and ive never published any, but i am definitely not immune to them 😂😂😂😂 i think my most niche crossover ive actually written (never to see the light of day) was a Nine Lives of Chloe King and Supernatural fic that was the definition of self-indulgent rot. only a little less niche than that was a Mortal Instruments and Supernatural crossover (theres a running theme here lol) lying in snippets on an ancient google doc in my oldest gmail acct. reread that one recently and its shockingly coherent for being written in like. 2016. id even call it decent (though theres a lot id change up if i were writing it now)

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

idk if it'd be considered hate but once i wrote a fic inspired by someone else's when i was very new to ao3, let them know (i didnt know about the "inspired by" option back then), and they got mad at me in my comments section because in their words, "its better than mine" 😭😭😭😭💥💥💥💥💥💥

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

YOU COULD SAY THAT

as for what kind, honestly whatever strikes my fancy-- usually character/relationship studies, or just a fun focus on character intimacy. love 2 be asexual<3 love 2 write asexual sex<3

i had a discussion with my qpp recently about how in all honesty the smut i write is pretty tame, its just the character emotions written behind it that makes it feel a bit deranged. smth smth scarian is a chemical explosion. u understand

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!!!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yeppers!! the art of rawgabbitry (BNHA) received a translation to Russian, which i always found a bit funny because rawgabbitry is. one of my least favorite works ive ever written, if only for the type of comments it tended to receive back in the day 😭😭😭😭

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

ive never managed it honestly-- i get a bit precious about my process, which can make it hard to collaborate on that level. but its something ive always wanted to grow enough as a writer to try :]

What's your all-time favorite ship?

not so much of a singular OTP type of guy as i have favorite pairings per fandom im in-- that being said rn its scarian :P

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

pretty much all of my dsmp wips honestly. i may surprise myself someday, but for now i just have zero urge to actually finish any of them

What are your writing strengths?

like my pal karliahs im gonna rip these from the comments ive received 😅😅😅 but id definitely say imagery is my strongest skill!! i have a very strong imagination, and tend to see fic scenes as movie scenes in my head which i then transcribe into written format. id like to say im also really skilled at characterization and realistic dialogue that captures character voices very well!! and frankly i just love emotional realism so much i cant NOT write it, its always leaking into everything i do

What are your writing weaknesses?

i tend to get a little too funky and abstract with my descriptions sometimes-- that can work for some scenes, but grounding everything so that it feels more real and makes actual sense to the reader is something i often have to do on the second, third, and final passes

also to every person who has to crack open a thesaurus to understand what i write, i am so fucking sorry😭💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

no thoughts beyond if its not a language you're proficient in you should probably get that checked over by a native speaker, just in case :P

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

fairy tail..... ff.net was a dark place

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

crying sobbing wailing as i desperately beg my brain to start writing that post-canon siffrin and odile relationship study. unfortunately i dont think i can have more than one longfic on my docket at a time so it shrimply must wait

What's your favorite fic you've written?

to the surprise of absolutely nobody, i'd have say lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart) (HC/LIFE) :]

No obligation, but im tagging: @raichett, @kayawolfhorse, @boonbeenblade, @sillyfairygarden, and @grimfey !!! And anyone else who wants to do this ofc :]]]❤️❤️❤️❤️

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?