#please dont fight me over this because ill probably just block your after the third message

[pekabloooop2]

i ran out of tags lol

uh oh! owner's being sued for worker abuse! get out the boop meter so everybody forgets

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 4 (Cont)

The gremlin challenges Tsubasa, a Symphogear, whose entire shtick is to sing to channel power, to sing.

It dawns on her, however, that Tsubasa is part Greninja. Tsubasa used Shadow-Weaving! It’s super effective.

“tell me, you jellyfish looking weirdo...”

“hey- hey, time out. are you gonna do what i think you’re gonna do. this is gonna like, kill you. you know that, right? that you will literally die? you do understand you can just retreat now or- or just take hibiki away, right? i even told you that was the whole point of this... uh... oh shit.”

“ARE YOU READY TO JAM”

“tsubasa please i will literally lend you my remaining brain cell to stop you from this really stupid mistake”

Dad has entered the server.

“oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. o- ryoko. stop breathing on me. this isnt helping my anxiety over my adopted daughter figure literally preparing to kill herself over my commands.”

“sorry babe its just the asthma, forgot my inhaler”

“i cannot FUCKING believe of ALL the opponents i had to fight i had to fight the DUMBEST one on the goddamn block, you idiot, you absolute dunce, RETHINK THIS”

“OH GOD SHE’S DOING IT! SHE’S DOING IT! THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN- FUCK- FUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE! FUCK! FUCK!”

“just used up my last brain cell for this attack, pal. you’re through.”

“NAH, EAT ASS YOU- YOU GODDAMN MANIAC”

“HAHA YEAH, GOT YOU NOW, SLOW WALKING, DRAMA INDUCIN’, PURPLE RAIN CHANN-”

“OH GOD! YOU TELEPORTED! YOU’VE GOT SV_CHEATS SET TO 1, DON’T YOU! NOCLIPPING LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS GET OUT OF MY FACE”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK WHOA I KNOW I CRACKED SOME JOKES BUT WE LITERALLY JUST MET AND I- I GOTTA KNOW PEOPLE FIRST BEFORE THIS SHIT AND- OH GOD PLEASE STOP”

“OH GOD! THIS... RAW, GAY, REPRESSED ENERGY... IT’S... TOO STRONG...”

The gremlin could not begin to comprehend Tsubasa’s intense love for incredibly well-built redheaded women.

Hibiki can, though.

“SO......... MUCH........... SAUCE...................”

“.................................................”

The gremlin retreats after getting her licks. This scene subtly implied something; the Nehushtan armor she wears regenerates over time, which means no matter how much damage it sustains, it will always return in one piece. The same can’t be said for the user, though.

Hibiki runs to Tsubasa, checking if she’s okay, totally oblivious to the gravity of what just happened.

“i came just as i could and ive brought happy meals for everyone”

Genjuro asks if Tsubasa is okay.

I dunno man, this is a pretty tough judgement call here. I mean, is she okay? Pain is a pretty subjective experience, after all.

“oh my god i get it. i get the joke she implied. she wanted to jam. she’s jammed! cause it- it looks like jam! no, wait, its more like sauce...”

It dawns on Hibiki that people actually do die during this job.

Tsubasa, as it turns out, survived her Swan Song. It makes sense that she would because she was naturally receptive to her relic, Ame-No-Habakiri. Still, the injury comes with great gravity. She’s benched for the next season, and it’s likely she’s gonna miss the playoffs.

Stuck on a respirator on the edge of life, Tsubasa will probably look back at this and go, “Gosh, I was such a wild child. Haha. Almost dying and all.”

Hibiki wraps her single braincell around the idea of death. Most main characters aren’t familiar with the concept of death, you see, because most don’t die. But this is Season One Symphogear. Flirting with death is common.

Ogawa comes in to comfort her.

“dumbass had her opponent bound and the gremlin still escaped anyway”

Ogawa then explains shit we already know. Thanks, Ogawa.

“in summation: i get where you’re coming from, but stop fucking saying ‘im gonna replace kanade’, please, im begging you”

Hibiki FINALLY gets it, and naturally upon realizing, feels really bad for it. A real right and true asshole.

“oh thank god i was worried not even that was going to get to you”

Meanwhile, in Tsubasa’s mind...

“ah fuck me. im trapped in metaphor limbo. see, im falling because i clipped my wing, cause i nearly died, you know, like icarus and shit”

“hold up my gay senses are tingling”

Her senses confirmed. Kanade is in her mind, in probably the most romantic metaphor possible. There is absolutely no way to interpret all of this platonically.

Tsubasa is literally submerged in a sea of her own emotions...

Involving Kanade, and how she strives to be like her and honor her memory.

SHE LITERALLY DROWNS IN THOSE EMOTIONS, SUBMERGING DEEPER INTO THE WATER.

Tsubasa, in her Symphogear Brand Medical Cocoon for the Dumb and Beaten Down, quietly slumbers in her semi-comatose state as she wrestles the water metaphors of her own sexual identity.

The poor thing just misses her girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Hibiki sits and thinks more than usual. In a flashback, Genjuro muses about how The Gremlin wanted to kidnap Hibiki.

“i dunno maybe The Gremlin’s super lonely or shit”

“i mean if thats the case ill just adopt her too”

Since Tsubasa is away, Hibiki has to pick up the quota for teenage angst in the 2nd Division. Unfortunately, she has very big shoes to fill, but Hibiki isn’t one for slacking in the misery department. She blames herself for everything.

“im really going to fire the therapist we have around here for being pretty damn useless”

“can i be the therapist?”

“ryoko i am absolutely begging you to filter your bad ideas given the several teenage crises we’re dealing with right now”

Hibiki then yells out, for what is possibly the third time, out of the blue:

“I HAVE PEOPLE I WANT TO PROTECT”

The flashback ends.

And speaking of girlfriends.

“there is no force on this planet stopping me from having some quality fucking time with my girlfriend damnit”

Miku points out Hibiki has been pretty lonely. Says she heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another she was messin’ ‘round.

Unfortunately, Miku is a goddamned chad.

Immediate handholding. Make no mistake. Behind those soft-spoken eyes lies an absolute master.

“o-oh, my hand, you’re holding it, so smoothly”

“hibiki, you’re my sunshine. i want to soak up your rays so hard that every piece of flesh of my body is horribly mutilated from skin cancer.”

“jesus christ miku at least use sunscreen in your metaphors”

“ill use them just for you, hibiki. just for you.”

Their relationship is interesting. When one of them is sad, the other sorta acts as an angst vacuum. You’ll see them flip flop with their points of misery with each other, but when together, those problems always melt away.

Of course, emphasis on being together. Season 1 is the worst with keep them away from each other.

“Just Be Yourself!” Miku Kohinata, Symphogear, 2012.

“fuck me, you’re right. im the protagonist. i cant just eat shit here the whole time. i gotta do protagonist things!”

“was that an invitation?”

“another time. but now... let’s just catch up.”

And so, they laugh together about how the recorded footage of the meteor shower was all black. Truly the greatest couple of all time.

It is this realization of being her own self, coupled with her renewed gay energy, and new perspective on what she must do, that causes everything to go uphill for her from here. Take note.

Here is where a God is truly born.

Tachibana Hibiki.

The end of this episode cuts to a specific dojo.

Genjuro’s dojo.

“i dont fuck around with training, even though i probably should have trained you sooner. you sure about this?”

“dadman either you do this or i will most definitely die next time”

Part of their training involves watching action movies, because Genjuro is so unreal that he should frankly be a fictional character in the very universe he exists in.

Fucking adorable.

“im so conflicted its so clear she’s part of /fit/ now but i cant help but imagine her washboard abs”

Hibiki balls even harder at karaoke now, due to her Symphogear training, and not because she’s secretly Aoi Yuki playing a recolored version of Madoka.

Her significant other is mildly terrified at the superhuman that is slowly unfolding her powers before her eyes.

In the end, things all reach their logical conclusion.

Hibiki becomes a Tekken character, just like Genjuro.

Of course... Miku pushes the fact very subtly that she would never hide anything from Hibiki...

Turmoil brews in the worst way... soon...

[originalkittensublime]

...

(NOT EDITED) Not sure where to start. 

I was gone, then I was gone again. Then I left her. But didn't let go ..ever. 

Now I'm back in the city. Of course, I was on that street, of course, I was passing by her work a few times. 

When i saw her first time...from the car, from the other side of the road...my whole body was stuckstucked...like some kind of electricityelectrycity run through it... 

wow. Like there was huge physical response. Mega huge. Then I was there again from the other side... and she saw me. And again boom. I hoped she wouldn't

Now I'm waiting for her to come. Not in a place I wanted, and not in a place she said.. so

...

3.1.20

So it was just a randomrandome coffee place. I was nervousnervouse as fuck, when i was waitingwiting few times i was going outside. If ill be still smoking i would, alot. Then she wrote me she is outside...1 sec and im out. just going there. Going there to hug her. I wasnt thinking i just went there and hugged her, and jesus... that feeling...i missed her so much. She was smiling, she seemedseemsed to be ok. We went in, she was happy as fuck. I was reading. I started to read and all the pain i was trying to get over in past month was comingcming back. All that nightmare we went through... when I was saying I can'tcan live like this anymore coz its killing me, i was saying it all the time, writing even screaming at her, and all she heard was, I will be alwaysallways here, we will make it. And then I left. Which made me a lier in her eyes, made me the person who through her outr of the windows, doors and all the other escape holes on the street like a dog. (her words). I read it all. There were a lot of love, alcohol and some drugs. There was changes, written on a paper. I have no idea about real changes. I believe that people dont change. And when they change for another person it'sits never healthy and good. 

I saw on a paper that all her world is me. That her love is so huge, that it took all the place. Which isn'tisnght sound good...but then.. Somethings turned, changed. 

She was mad again, that kind of mad I'm scared to death, that kind of mad which makes me silent and i cant talk. And then i knew will come that "So?"with that look i was scared too... What could I say if the only thing i was saying was that im not going to be back no matter what. She was mad. Mad that i was there. Mad that i was a ghost. Mad that im not back. Just leave or stay. I decided to leave but never left in a way she needed it. i should probably block her...kindergartenkindergarden... 

After she said "don't you ever come to my face" and left to the bathroom, I did what i thought was the best decision, don'tdont come to her face. As i was going away she run out from the coffee place like a hurricane. Throwing things on the floor. Mad as fuck. Screaming at me all kind of those things... She asked me if i something something like a cunt. Cunt) I said yes. What else could i say. I was going away. She was holdingholing me and she was screaming at me and begging to stay at the same time. I saw all the pain again. Also she said that all her days arealre filled with pain even tho she is calm and ok. 

All the things why i endededned it happened that night again. Fuck, how hard was to just stay with my decision. I just wanted to hug her and all would be good. But that'sthats what we were doing all those 3 months. Just being in the present moment doing things that feels good now. Now I'm focusing on the future. 

You were saying me all those things didn't realize that that'sthats what is frighteningfrightenign me the most. Those things would never make me stay. If I'd stay that night, that would be just coz I would want to stop your pain. Not out of positive feelings towards you. Which is wrong. All the things I'll write and all the things I'll do in the future, you might say i don't love you coz if i would love you I wouldn't dowouldn'tdo and say those things. But please realize, that its not that i don'tdont love you, our love is just very very different. Very much. I read this line when i was around 12 and i rememberedremebered it for all my live "just because a person doesn'tdoesnt love you the way you want, it doesn'tdoesnt mean the person doesn'tdoesnt love you from all the heart". Hear? 

Now let me explain. I will explain as much as i can, i will be writingwrting for as long as i can. Coz i think you need and deserve to know and to understand. I cant talk with you. Coz you with your reactions and negative emotions blocking me and i'mim just stuckstucked in myself and in blaming myselfmyslef for everything in this word. 

Now I feel, that I'm recovering fast. This month without you saved my life, the factfack that my phone died saved my life!! Coz if it wouldnt just die i wouldn be able to just let you go, and i would again focus all of my on you, not on myslef. 

You said that you were hoping that I was thinking about you sometimes, that you was there in small things. Dear, you were everywhere. It wasnt for me easy breazy vacation. I didnt have fun, laught and had sex all days long on a sunny beaches. It was completly different story. Which is my story. JUst mine. I went there to come back to myslef. That what i was doing there all the time. I wasnt about anyone inthe world. Just me for me. I needed to recover from all the hell weve made. And I did. And i might seem for you now cold and heartless. But If i wouldnt we would end up in the same shit. 

Im not onlynot gonna be back in those states where i was before i left. I will not even go that direction. Not even one step there. I realized where i was emotionally. And when with a bit clearer head i looked at it, i was shocked and surprised that i got there and survived it. 

And no, I wasnt giving you "half" that time, as you said me in the car. I gave you 150%. And the only mistake i made, was that I dave you too much. I was surviving with you in a mode that couldnt least for a long time. Just that time i didnt realized it. I thought Im doing right. I did what i felt that time. I was never actually lyingling to you. 

I will repeat you things Ive said many times again for the last time. You were for me special. And you know very well, that I have in my life few more very special people for me. They never went anywhere, even when i was with you. And for the last time - you were on top of all of them, I never gave that much to anyone in my life. That is one of the reason why it dint work. I got into this .. how was it bittersweat tornado, and I focused on you too much and lost myslef. 

Thats not how I love, thats not how my free love works. I locked myslef and I died. And i killed you. I had no idea that time it would be like this. But I couldnt not try. I wouldnt forgive myslef. 

You would do anything for me. You dont want anything in this life just to be with me. Somehow, anyhow. Just to be. Seems like you would do anything, anything just to keep me at least a bit, at least once a week. Im everything for you, and thats the reason i cant be with you. 

For me this is not pure and healthy. The only way I could be in some kind of contact with you, would be if you would have your life and priorities, and i would be somewhereon a second third place. That I would know that I'm not your world. That I'm not the only reason you don't feel pain. Only if you would be able to be happy individual I could be with you by your side. Not as close as i was, obviously. 

My goal was never to delete you from my life. But see, for me love is when I'm ok with myself. 

Thats what i was trying to say a lot of times, thats why i solve all by myslef. Only with clear head and when we learn to be happy and FULL by ourselfs, we can make someone else happy, we can give,  without any side feelings, coz if the person will be gone, there will be still a whole world. It wasnt always easy even for me to let go. But i did, I let go everyone, but thay didnt go anywhere. some people who mattes they stay. And doesnt matter how rare is out communication. 

I admire and love when a person has him own life which is more importaint then me. Its terrifying for me, that Im your life, that im everywhere. 

I will not allow to be in my life all this pain and tears and sadness and dramma, and all this. 

You know what says that red label on my wrist? 

Just that red fucking little stuff holded my yesterday from breakdown. Another one. After meeting with you. I wanted to find there, million km away from home something which will remind me all the things i was thinking and realizind there. When I was there just with myslef. Trying to hear me. Realizing what is importaint and how to make my happy again. 

I wasnt happy there. I dint find my piece. I didnt get over anything i didnt clear my head. I thought i will in 18 days there, without phone. Without you. I didnt. But when I came back to Prague... It was like all this 18 days something was preparing and all this i got in Prague. I'm not sure how to call it. But now I'm stronger. Now I'm fighting for myself. Yes, I'm selfish. It's time to be selfish. It's the only way how can I protect myslef and be happy. 

Sorry, But I will be happy, no matter what. There is not a single person in this word who is more importaint then my happiness. Its like in a plain, you first put mask on yourself, then on others. Same thing. 

No matter what you mean for me, I mean for myself more. And just people who understands this and are the same staus by my side. Coz they are the same. 

Just in this case I can be really free, and i can give all the freedome to them. All. Now I dont specify. Now i talk about me, and all the others. Teo, Anton, You, my friend all the special people, all the random strangers. 

It's a bit scarry to me that I'm not broken now, knowing how bad you feel. But I'm putting all my powers to be happy to focus on positive things and to bring positive in my life. Just positive.  Its not that i dant care. Its just when i care i care too much and its killing me , thats all. And its good for nothing and noone. 

When I came back... I saw my kid... Fuck.. You have no idea, but i feel so much love to him now. I realized again that all those months before I didnt feel nothing to him. I knew i love him, but didnt feel. Now this feeling is dreeping out of me. Like never before. In those moments i feel how much i did for myself in this month. I realize that i will never allow to come back even close to where i was. 

I will be ruthlessly cut off all the negative stuff from my life. 

All this months you was in my head, I missed you, I was sad. But then I started to be more me, I wasnt desperate sad, I just missed you in a very warm way. When i was sad, it was still the warm sad. Not the sad which was killing me. Coz Knowing that you are there and you are alive, and you live your life was warm. Would be warm if you would life your life without pain coz im not there. 

And yesterday I got a huge drop down to all the terrible emotions which were killing me. From which i was running away. Which I cut off. Which makes me not me. 

I was writing you if you cant meet 31 not coz i couldnt wait to get rid of you and keys, but coz I missed you so much. Missed with a smile, and warm feeeling. 

I was thinking that i meet you and i felt happy. 

Wanna know something? Before we met, I had in my head the idea, that i will pretend that i forgot keys, just to have the occasion to see you again. That time i was happy that you gave me those damn keys. And If your meeting would be as it started, if I would see, that you really changed and you are focusing on building your life and on making yourself happy, i would meet you again, and maybe then in some time again, and maybe .... 

But all I saw, was that I mad a huge mistake. As I am, for me is weird to just cut off people form life, block them ect... But thats probably what I needed to do, coz cant let me go. 

In this state, even tho you say that you would be happy even if i would be free and we will meet once a week... You will be not. Coz it wouldn't be equal. I would be free, me and happy, doing whatever i want. And you will be living from meeting to meeting pretending that you dont mind how things are just because you can have at least a little piece of me, hoping that I will not want anyone. This is very wrong. 

And yes, i read what you wrote. But you said all those things even before, not with this words, and probably not so strong. But it was there many times. And this pain and things are

not changing in few weeks. Even for me is hard sometimes to let go. But for you... considering how you love me. You will never be happy for any of my other connections. Why would you?

My love doesn't tie down, doesn't wrap people, doesn't cover. It's there. It's my shine. It's free. And I want the same. Thats me. And It's not easy. It takes alot. Even for Anton it's hard sometimes, to handle my feelings towards others, my falling in love, easy ones or stronger. But this is what makes me me, what makes me alive. When it's blocked I'm dying. I need to be free and walk around with a smile. Be light, be alive, be positive pure, too feel unlimited quantity towards whoever I want, KNOWING THAT IM NOT HURTING ANYONE BY THIS!! Coz No matter what you think I'm doing here, I was never killing people by this. And all of them, in the end, are way happier. I showed them something, and they saw how things could be. They became more strong and fearless to search and find what they really want and need. They were able to believe that they can be how they want. Who they are. Some of them are in relationships, and we are not talking, maybe 2-3 messages a year. They are practically gone from my life, and I'm gone from theirs. But I didn't go anywhere basically. They just have their lifes. And I will be happy to see anyone anytime, tmw in year or 20. We might meet and realize there is nothing to talk about. Next time we could meet and feel all the warmest things in the world. Its life people coma and go. And there is always times for each person in our lives. 

When I once (as you say) said you that I will be always here. I meant this. Coz I dint had in plan to go anywhere. Coz this is what i do. I let go but i dont go anywhere. No matter what stories happened, Im still here for all of the people from my past. Just sometimes when with someone we meet, I feel that there is nothing for this moment. 

I could stay here forever. I could If you would be able to build your life without me. Coz thats how it always was with everyone. Thats how i think, feel, am. 

Just i lost myself in you, and all those things i pushed away and all i had in my was you, and continue to say and do some stuff on autopilot, even tho it didnt fit to our situation. Coz your situation was so different and unique. I didnt know anything. Therefor made a lot of mistakes. 

If I could i would do things differently from the beggining. I cant. 

What I can now, Is to be myself. To be happy. I don't see how can I be all of that and have you in my life. Coz you and your love is very different. 

When people love they dont leave. No, when people love, they dont hold. 

Love is not easy, you have to struggle and sacrifice for love, you have to go through shit for good moment. No, love should be easy, yes, its constant work, but work on yourself at first place,  then on the relationship. It can be hard sometimes, but never the struggle. 

I'll copy here my Ig post: 

"Sacrifice 

Once i heard: “True love is full of sacrifices” I was so... so... I couldn’t even say anything to that. I was speechless.I do not remember now what’s anonymous from sacrifice but exactly that is love. In my world love is running away with a mile steps from sacrificing. And when it comes Love is being destroyed. We choose our partners to get stronger to grow bigger to achieve higher. If you sacrifice for the person “because you love” you doing something which you don’t need and that person doesn’t need. Coz in the end no matter how good intention you had, putting yourself into the position of a person who sacrifice something for another, subconsciously you expect the same from the other side. So in the end you are both just unhappy, BUT you could proudly say that you are working your ass off for each other. That’s just so not right. Live is about giving. Things that makes us happy. Giving freedom and support. And you are not afraid to give endlessly coz you know you will not be less. And when you get, you are not afraid to take, coz you know that this person is free too, and she will not obligate you to give bac

k. You give back coz you are free and happy and you are happy to share those capacity. Coz you trust. It’s unconditional. Even if the person walks away. It’s not your choice. This person is not yours. We are all free. And just when person is totally free and he/she comes back to you, this is what matters. I let go coz I want all to be free, coz I know what we had was precious. For both. And he/she knows it too. He/she might go away on his own path, but in some way he/she is still with you. And if it’s not like this then what’s the sense? Love is not about sacrifice! You could call me selfish. But I believe that you could never do anyone happy if you are not truly happy. 

I’m full, I’m whole, I’m happy and I can give. And in this kind of “Give” this will not make me less, it will not kill me even if the person doesn’t give back. Just in this state it’s possible to build good relationship. And it’s doesn’t matter if you live together or see each other once a year. 

No matter how much i give. If the person go his own way, its ok, coz it’s what he/she needs and wants now. I can't just support and be happy for the person."

All that contains tears and drama is far away from this. 

You should be independent and build your happiness and your life. Put all the effort to make yourself truly happy not depend on anyone. Coz your happiness is what is you what is inside you. Not something or someone. In this case all will be killing you again and again. and the more beautiful things will happen the more it will hurt coz you will think that this will be gone and you will suffer again. You cant put yourself in anyone. Coz it will tear you apart. It always did, and it didn't lead to anything good. When you will putt all the effort to yourself you will never lose. Its win win situation. Coz you find real peace and happiness. Coz you will be free. Strong. Not depending on anyone. 

Coz, when you are happy and shining, people want to be around coz this atmosphere is beautiful. You should be the reason of your happiness not me, not anything else. You. All the rest will come when you will realize this. 

I know you were saying you are ok, and you have peace in you, that you feel again how it is to have you. When I was reading i was happy to read it. But then I saw all this pain again. Pain coz I'm not there. The second part of our meeting just contradicts with all that you wrote. Thats how i fell it. 

First time in all those months I'm not affraid to write all. I'm not affraid how you will react on this message. Coz It's just me, I share my thoughts and who I am. Before when i was saying or writing somthing to you, i was stresssed out of my mind. How will you react. Did i say it right? What is the right answer? Coz I was afraid i will make you fell bad or sad or mad. But this all is just who I am. And this month helped me to make few steps back to myself. I still cant talk to you when you look at me like you did. Its just an automatick reaction with which i cant work right now. I'm not that strong yet. But at least I can write you. 

I cant be the only reason of your happiness. Its scares me. It's too much pressure. It would scare anyone who is a bit ok in his head. To be the reason why person is not in pain. 

If I can wish for something I would wish that I will never mean the whole world for anyone. I don't anyone in this word to have a feeling that that could die for me, that they will do anything for me. 

People should do anything for themselves. And when people are together its not coz they depend on each other. I run from it. Its scary and wrong and against all that I believe in. 

In a fact, basically, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't go. But I understand that you really need to cut me off your life completely, coz there is no other way. I wouldn't want it. You said me many times with all the pain of this world "stay or just go" And your "go" means disappear from my life. And your stay means all the things i will never be able to give you. Coz how we was togather wasnt right. There wasnt space even for myself, im not talking about

Teo Anton Nastya, and all the other people, and all the new people. I became more like you. Giving all me to another person. You was my world. My whole world. And nothing else mattered. And look where did it lead us...

But this is what you want. Im sorry but i really cant believe that for you will be ok me meeting other people (and doesnt matter what i do wth them) and meeting you once a week. I dont belive that this will make you happy. Ever. And i know that being without me is even worse. But like this after some time you will get over it. It will take time. How long is on you. You can choose to feel better. You can choose to work your ass of to overcome this. And then you will be free and way happier. Not depending on anyone. This is freedome. To not be depended emotionally on anyone. That thing that you said about pet love. Scared me to death... This is just so wrong and fucked up. And if you will not learnt to cut this off your life, you will never be happy. Coz you are full human being, not a helpless animal. You are beautifull and strong personality. 

You would be happy to see me with someone else just when you will let me go. Not get over me. Im not gonna be over you ever. "There will be no getting over you". But I let you go. And you can't. And with all the feelings you have i have no idea how could you. All your feeling are very strong and very beautifull, but they are not free. 

I hate to bring you so much pain. But the worst is the fack on its own THAT IM ABLE TO BRING YOU SO MUCH PAIN. When I came back to myself i feel that i'm stronger again and I'm again slowly but getting back where I was. Noone can hurt me unless i will alow it. Coz It's just on me, not on someone else. (except when someone will just put a bullet in me, there i cant do much) But the emotional state is something we can and should control. 

It might seem that Im saying that I will be just with happy person in happy moments coz its easy. That would make me not so great) But You should know that im not like this I'm far from this. 

Its not about that. Its about presets and settings in your head. Of course, there could be harsh times for everyone, and I dont remember myself letting someone down when i knew i could help somehow. Or just to talk to a person, give some advice. Or be there. I can be support. But never a whole reason for feeling ok or happy. 

People who are around me, I want to have a desire to reach them. To be inspired by them, and to inspire them back. I wan't to look at them and feel that they are hustling in their life for their happinness and when they need a little support to kick their ass in the direction of making theyir life happy. And be somewhere next. No matter how close of far. 

One of the most important people for me, I see this person once a year. Doesn't make it worst. And no, I cant say that i relay on this person 100% and that no matter when i call i know i will get help there. NO. Its not about this. I don't feel this to anyone. Coz i respect all the lifes. I can never just relay on anyone, coz this person could have his own stuff to solve and deal right now. The only one i can relay is me. And of course i know there are people who will support me. But its not like they are obligated. And if they will not, i will understand why not. 

Actually I feel now so much purity and energy, I wish I could somehow share it with you, and help you to become a happy person, but I'm exactly not the person who should to it. Coz it's like a drug. And to overcome it and be happy you should get rid of drugs - me) And I feel that untill I'm in your life you wont be able to do it. And I know you said that I'm not addition. 

But i dont know how else to call it. 

After many month, I feel the power and desire to work on myself. For the better future. To think and plan future and put afford to it. To slowly get rid of all bad habbits and bad influences. To make all i can to make myslef happy. To clear my mind to be in perfect balance with my disasters inside)

All that i have in my head is "SORRY, BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY"

I kno

w that all that is inside of us creating all our life, that is why i don't want any negative anymore, coz it affects our body, our life, the things around. Its all so much connected that its unbelievable. 

And I don't want to be for someone just "saver from pain". I want to be an addition. I want to make whole happy lives even happier. That's the only way when i can give and not be afraid that person will get addicted on my or on what i give. I just make it a bit better. Add something extra to already something beautiful. This is pure and not harmful for me. 

I have no idea how will be my life now, how and with who will be my future. But I know I will be happy. I decided to be happy. No matter what. No matter how hard is it. No matter how hard is no say "no", and make some decisions. I'm sorry, but i want to be happy. Happy in who I am and how I am, and next to me will stay just people who can also trully TRULLY be happy for who I am and what I am. For who my decisions will be not harmfull. 

I really dont fully get it... I thought after yesterday I will be broken again as i was allways. I thought all this 3 weeks of hard work to bring myslef back was just gone by few hours with you. But I fell ok. I cant understand how the hell can i be ok, knowing that you are suffering. But I stopped taking on myslef responsibility of someones happiness. I cant make anyone happy. I can make happy myself. The only person in the world who goes over this rules is Teo. 

All the rest... no ,not Anton, not even my parents. No one happiness is my responsibility. I'm sorry if you think that Im cruel and cold by saying this. But this is who I am and what I believe in. And always was. I just lost myself for a while. 

And a big part of this is Teo. I know that i can give him endless love just when im like this. When I'm happy. Not coz something or someone. Not coz somethins is happening or not. I dont want not to run away and just to be with mysleft coz i dont know where and how to put somewhere all my feelings tat are tearing me apart. I want to come back to him, and give him all of me, all of my love. Coz Im finally stong and have capacity for giving him all this. To be there for him with my mind not just dead body. And this worth it all. And just in this state i can give not only to Teo, but to everyone. I'm learning again to feel, seems like learning to walk from the scratch again. But as im learning to feel, I'm learning to be happy and to feel feeling for all, bright, true, pure feelings. 

Im sorry, but i chose to be happy. This is me. And i would not block you in insta. If what I have there will hurt you, please dont follow me.  I respect you, and will not chase you or be a ghost. I will not. I will be just me, I will be happy. And I want you to know that I will be happy to see you again. Coz my feeling... I know it seems that thay changed a lot. But in the fact they didnt. They just got into the form that is not harmful for me. Unfortunately its harmful for you. 

And I dont want to be a reason of pain as much as i don't want to be a reason of happiness for you. 

I might be wrong. But if things would really really change, yesterday meeting wouldnt look like that in the end.

Im sorry, I choosed to be happy. And yes, I will welcome with warm hug anyone who will come with warm and positive and pure feelings to me, who will want to make me even happier, not expecting anything back. 

Selfish? yes, alot, a guess. But this is the only way how i can recover and give back my pure and huge shiny energy i had inside. I was shining all over the place. I lost it. And i will not lose it again. 

I know there will be hard times, sometimes. But I will fight them all. And I will be able to make other happy and give just with this attitude. 

I'm not cruel. I'm not a cunt. Im pure and kind. And finally I started to belive in it again. You, you made me belive in opposite many times. And its hard to go back. And I'm not blaming you, it was just my perception of your words and actions and what i allowed to happen. I dodnt get when and how i tottaly lost myse

lf. 

I dont want anymore be sad and reflect every sad song i hear. I dont want any more stress and dramma in my life, I dont want to freeze on the street, i dont want to go to sleep later then 22, I dont want to be lost, i dont want to be tired, depressed, melancholic... I want to move forward. I want work my ass of for a better life, for better wellbeing, for better body, better mind, I want to work, i want to feel, I want avoind alohol, cigarettes, bad habits. I want to avaod anything which is not moving me with every step to better life not now but in the furute. in 1 year, 5 years. I want to go there, I see bright and wonderfull future, I dont know with who or how. But i know i can. anyone can. And every day I will make a small step to a happier furute. And I want people like this around me. 

I will always welcome people like this in my life. 

Yes, It's easier just to lie down under the blanket and be sad and cry over all sad things in life then fight for own hapiness, takes a lot of energy, but it will bring way more effort in the future. 

I didnt get over shit) And balive me, this all is not easy for me. But I understand how valeable this is. And for this understanding im greatfull, coz it's the most powerfull triger. To realize and understand what for you do stuff, what the thigs you do today will bring you in the future. What can you make to feel at least a bit better. Small things, step by step, but in right direction. Coz you know where it will eventually lead you one day. 

I dont want to be blamed, i dont want to feel guilt, i dont want to make fuckups, i dont want to make bad decisions. I want to be happy. Not coz of something, but coz of me. Then Im endless treasure with light. for everyone. Yeah, thats my shine. 

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours. In you. 

As I did. 

I dont think that you will fully understand me, as you think i dont listen dont read and dont understand you. But maybe this will make the whole stuff at least a bit more clear for you. And for me. I wrote this more for myslef. To remeber al this. To read it again and coma back to this state when needed. 

To never forget what the red line in my body means. BEYOU.

those are not just words. Those two words doesnt mean much untill you dont put meaning in it. And i Put the whole universe to it. This red mark on my body is my ticket to bright happy future. I dont know with who. But I know for sure it will be wonderfull!

I want to beback to all my sided to the purest person and kindest, to the slutty slut, to shy girl, to honest happy kid, to silly creature, to crazy weirdo, to depressed darkness JUST WITH MYSELF AND FOR ONE EVENING, to a stunning lady, for caring for not caring sometimes, to fale sometimes in a way that it doesnt actually matter alot, to free to feel and do whatever i want. But with thinking about consequences. Thinking subconciously just as i used to.

Yes, I will do mistakes, coz I'm not on an easy path. But i will do all i can not to forget and lose myslef again. No matter what!!

I never wanted to cut off you out of my life, I wanted to cut out all the negative stuff. And I dont want to fight with you or for you or for anyone else, i dont want to struggle i dont want to suffer. I will not put myself or my energy for saving anything! I will be happy and i will be myself and i will emit warmness and shine as I used to. Thats how it always could work. Thats the only way it could. When troubles come to relationships people should start to work on themselfs and if those are the right people it will bring them closer to each other. When we were in shit with A i never fighted for him or for us. We both started

to work on ourselfs with psychotherapist and by ourselfs too, this brought us back to the right path. Thats the only way I will always do it. I was never fighting for anyone. The only person I was fighting for was you. And it killed me it killed you. wrongwrongwrong! I learned. I did. If you think im cold and selfish. OK. You have all the right, i guess. But i look back and analyze all my life how i was how i am who i am how it worked what i did, and this is what i see. This is my truth. This is me.

This is me to who Im coming back through everything and everyone who will come on the way. To shine again. To feel this endless energy in me. To be so alive that it contagious for all the people around!!

Im not going away from this road, no matter what and noone will stop me.

I’m sorry, but i choose to be happy.

__________

all this text is on my wrist, all this text marked me with a red line and comes from it. This all I put to the two primitive words BE YOU and two one red line.