#i don’t even want to do my makeup
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Have plans tonight but I just want to sleeeepppp
#probs my period#but I’ve also just been sooo tired in general recently#i don’t even want to do my makeup#I have no outfit planned#I’m just laying in bed suffering#and I don’t want to cancel#but it’s not looking like I’m gonna get up anytime soon so#ugh
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what kills me is how people here in the west are so …. willfully, blissfully, ignorant of what’s transpiring in palestine. like i have even seen poc, even seen HIJABIS still buying starbucks and i’m like …… i guess dumbfounded at this point. “oh but it’s just one drink” “oh but my one dollar won’t make a difference if i spent it or not” “well it’s not my problem, the middle east is always at war”
are people so arrogant they think they are the exception to what’s happening in palestine? in fact. the victim blaming against the palestinians is insane “well they should’ve just left” “well they should’ve agreed to a ceasefire” “well they shouldn’t have let hamas take over” you guys make me sick to my stomach!!!! my god this rhetoric is so narcissistic it hurts!!!!!
#like i eat and i think of palestine i think of the children starving to death in gaza i think of people making bread from CAT FOOD#i sleep i think how i can’t sleep unless my dog is warming my feet or i wake up groggy without my humidifier#people in gaza can’t even sleep they can’t even rest the killing the violence doesn’t even stop for a minute!!!#i wear my expensive clothes i do my makeup i do my hair i wear mt perfume and i want to cry thinking that like#are the women of gaza not worthy? do they not deserve this level of luxury or happiness?#will the little boys and girls of gaza ever get to play with their moms makeup and ruin it in the process?#i don’t know how anyone can let anything else consume their minds these days#shame on you. may your time also come. may the world look away in remembrance of those you scorned#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#free palestine#free gaza#free the west bank#occupied palestine#israel is a terrorist state
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If Kipperlilly DOES end up betraying Porter/Jace as part of a secret other scheme she has (whether good or evil) and it has to do with saving Lucy, I just know she’s going to be a bitch about it and pull a ‘sorry, I only save High Five Heroes’ before leaving her other friends to die or some shit. And then she will take her final form: Magic Betty from Adventure Time, betraying her allies and saving her frost gf at the expense of the world. It would also parallel what Ankarna is going through (‘your girlfriend’s out of town, it sucks’, becoming a little imperialist rage machine under the influence of Porter/Sunstone but not being able to fully turn on Lucy despite going against her values and turning into a violent weirdo). This is my wish. My dream. I am manifesting it. Magic Betty Kipperlilly I believe in you.
#I am currently painting clown makeup on my face rn but this is what I’ve been rooting for from the beginning so let me dream#Come on though she HAS to have some other shit going on though right?#She was DEFINITLY in that temple when the Bad Kids said Ankarna’s name#Brennan literally rolled#and we know she was in Porter’s office#so WHY hadn’t she told him Ankarna’s real name yet? We know he genuinely believed Fig found it#Also the BKs couldn’t see who was in the window during the Wanda Childa scene#Which one of the RGs has invisibility?#HMMMM#Wanda saying ‘Kipperlilly? Why are you doing this? Is it because you’re jealous?’ before getting carried off by a fake Porter would let KP#know ‘okay they FULLY saw what happened after I killed Buddy and are onto us’ which would cause her to follow them to the temple#Also…if NONE of the Rat Grinders knew Ankarna’s name then what did Lucy write on her form to change her divinity???#We KNOW it was Ankarna’s name and not the ‘symbol representing her’ because no one could see it BECAUSE the god was dead and no one alive#knew her name#Which means Lucy HAD TO HAVE KNOWN and was keeping it from the others right?#And when she died and didn’t come back they were fucked because they couldn’t even check the form anymore#But#Brennan also said that if Porter WASNT using Devil’s Honey and genuinely believed in Rage And Conquest goddess Ankarna instead of just her#domain then he and his ritual would (maybe) bring her back instead of killing her permenantly so he can take her domain#And idk#A powerful goddess of rage and conquest who despite everything can’t be turned against her sister and ex#who’s resurrection would mean the rune could be broken and Lucy can come back to life#One who has (or had) a personal vendetta against at least one of the bad kids#and a personal vendetta against the people who led to Lucy’s death#that sounds pretty appealing to someone as spiteful and obsessive as Kipperlilly doesn’t it#especially after her best (maybe only real) friend died and didn’t come back#especially if she stayed dead specifically to stop Porter#Again I’m putting my clown makeup on but I don’t want her to be secretly good or anything just unhinged and gay and a parallel to Ankarna#Please world let me have this I’m on my knees#dimension 20
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Does anyone know how to maneuver a relationship where they are interested in dating you but you were fine being old school acquaintances who don’t speak to each other
#tgdposts#personal#aroace#actually aroace#aromantic#asexual#ace#aro#asexuality#aromanticism#we’re hanging out at an undetermined point which I’m fine with I love hanging out but I can tell he’s into me and I feel neutral about it#good new is I’ve clearly grown since last time this scenario happened because I think I’m being less of a leading on asshole about it#also ideologically I’m not about assuming they want to date instead of be friends so I don’t want to assume anything#but based on how he’s talking to me I think he likes me which I obviously do not reciprocate#fond of me as the Brits say#he’s asked how my day/weekend was for the second time in all too short a timespan which I find telling#not that it irritates me but it’s obvious he wants to pursue SOMETHING#anyway just bc I said okay to hang for coffee does not mean I want to participate in this kind of online conversation he’s initiating#his eagerness to talk is telling and I already lowkey had vibes from him after the fall semester when he asked how my winter vacay was#I was like yeah I’m SUPER BUSY with family stuff and studying for my makeup exam#tbh thought that was the end of it until recently#this is mainly a vent post I guess if anyone has opinions feel free to share#I guess my broad struggle is that I’m learning how to be aroace and assume the best of a situation without leading people on#also I feel this kind of situation is almost inevitable if I want to make friends with guys even though having them want to date me#is not the most ideal start to a friendship with someone#ok to rb although idk why you’d want to
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Grabbing my theoretical audience by the shirt color and lifting them in the air like ‘If I don’t start forcefemming myself more often my dysphoria is going to start killing me again”
#my stuff#struggling to feel cute lately ngl#i used to feel SO good seeing myself in low effort makeup#and even though i’ve tried hard to avoid the ‘Dont Look Right Without Eyeliner’ mental illness i’ve failed#any makeup less than perfect doesn’t feel worth doing or showing off#so i just don’t do it but then i don’t feel pretty and then i want to decompose#aughhhhh
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while we’re in the spirit of celebrating basic autonomy over things like hair I know most of us are too young to have participated in anything at the time but as a society we really need to apologise to britney for a certain event circa 2007
#okay. so. gender standards are awful and hopefully they’re not what they were then but they do exist. and people are being chill rn#relatively. but please if a man had to remind fans that hair grows back??? then imagine if it were a cis gender conforming woman#I know there were other things going on at the time but none of the accusations against her were ever fair#people like a predictable; controllable image especially in feminine celebs and I want to say we do not. ever. have a right to that#which only ties further into our (my) discussion of gender and the whole babygirl concept and patriarchy and transphobia behind it#anyway I say it all the time but. never underestimate the power of existing unapologetically and challenging this entitlement#in any way. and the great thing is that it’s the same cause whether you’re halsey in 2017 or luke in 2024. yes it primarily a womens rights#issue but you don’t have to be a woman to contribute something meaningful. even a man can challenge the patriarchy (shock horror!)#anyway I’ve been thinking about what I have to say about recent events and this is it. the makeup and boy ep and now this he knows#exactly what he’s doing and I’m pretty damn proud#but we have to do our part and keep talking about how we need to be okay if a female singer did this. etc. which starts here I guess#luke hemmings#5 seconds of summer#5sos#britney spears#halsey
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I am on a mission to learn how to draw can you believe these are literally only 4 days apart I’m feeling so pussy pussy cunt cunt rn
#also I know it doesn’t look like Marcia I literally today learned how to draw facial proportions I can’t fuck around too much yet#also I liquified her she wrong so it’s a lil fucked up but#I’m v proud :)#didn’t even touch hair or body or anything but that’s fine I just want to learn to draw Marcia’s face right#that’s goal one#I will not rest until I get this down#I will become the expert in drawing Marcia’s face#also do you love that I can’t remember any makeup look except the red and white one#I’ve used it for like 6 drawings of her now#anyways it’s crazy what a single 10 minute video on how to properly proportion a face can do#also I don’t know what my style is yet bc I just started so obviously that factors into things#anyways!#artist advice is always welcome critique might (will) make me cry :)#encouragement is always… encouraged 😉#anyways I’m v happy with myself#even though I opened the canvas and lost track of time and blinked and it was 2 am#also can I just say it took me a few tries but I’m loving the lettering on her name :)#okay that’s it I’m going to brush my teeth and fall asleep#also I’m still trying to figure out all the secrets of procreatepls aid#marcia#marcia x3#marcia marcia marcia#drag race fanart#my art#also there’s only a one hour difference between how long it took to do these that’s so funny#wow#also in my defense!#I was trying out different styles so I was trying to copy a more cartoonish style#but still :)#also it looks so warm on my phone rn bc I have night mode on but the colors are so pretty on my iPad :) and presumably here once night mode
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Let’s abolish gender based gifts. No more pocket knives cuz ur a guy or makeup cuz ur a girl. Just get people what they as an individual would want pretty fucking please
#please I’m so sick of people getting me makeup and perfume and shit cuz they think I’m a girl#i have never enjoyed those things and anyone I’m close enough to that they would get me a gift knows this#it just comes across to me as they either are trying to get me to like those things because I ‘should’#or like they haven’t payed any attention to my interests and see me only as a girl#and even if I was a girl I think that would still hurt#especially seeing the things the guys get like cool rc cars or pocket knives compared to the unwanted accesories I get#like if someone barely knows me and they get me something because of a gift exchange thing for school or a club or smth then idc#they don’t know what I like and just took a guess that’s fine#but when my family I’ve known my whole life and that has never seen me ever wear makeup or express any interest in makeup and knows I do not#like it gets it for me#that kinda feels not great#i just kinda wanted to rant a bit#i hate when this happens#kinda feels like I’m not even a person with my own interests in their mind. just a ‘girl’ so I clearly like ‘girl things’#and if I’m just a girl in their minds then what happens when I tell them I’m not a girl?
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current predicament im facing is that i am vaguely unhappy/dissatisfied with how i Am Presented or Perceived by people but i also don’t necessarily want to change how i present Myself too much bc i like my style, i just don’t like the. well. *hand waves*
#like that statement of:#i don’t want to be feminine in the way a girl can be feminine#i want to be feminine in the way a guy can be feminine#and here’s the thing. i am never escaping the guilt demon in my brain#bc as much as i am feeling. gender dysphoric. and have been for a couple weeks now#the demon in my brain is like ‘THIS IS TOO SUDDEN!!! YOURE FAKING!!! YOURE LYING!!!!!!’#even though i’m pretty sure i like.#1) either enough shit sorted itself out in my life that suddenly i hit the realization of#‘life is good yet i am deeply unhappy’ and kinda had to think abt. why that is.#or 2) i actually gave myself the space to think abt my gender and not completely panic#and like. the answers i found? wanting!#but anyways now i feel like i’m at a crossroads bc i don’t think there’s much more else i can. do. right now.#thinking abt coming out to more friends but that is also vaguely nauseating and terrifying lmao#but like. i want to wear my makeup and occasional corsets and my typical outfits and be like.#cool androgynous masc in a way that is still like. me.#and then i see myself in the mirror or a photo on instagram and it’s like a jump scare askdkfkskdk
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re: my last tag on my last post
#didn’t want to go all deep and whatever on that post bc idk whatever. i have my reasons i think#anyway#it really is odd to me that i might be memorable to people who i’ve never even interacted with directly#like people can just see me around campus and my face becomes even somewhat recognizable to them#it’s such an odd but cool feeling#bc growing up i was very much someone who just wanted to blend in more than anything#i didn’t want to do anything that would make me stand out in the slightest#i wanted to be as boring and unmemorable and regular as possible (at least in regard to my appearance; personality wise i was very much a-#-weird girl)#and i guess at some point in high school my mentality shifted and i wanted people to see me and think i’m cool or attractive or whatever#i wanted people to look at me and actually Think something of me#and now it’s not really something i actively try to do#it’s more of a ‘do i think i look good? do i like how i look? do i feel good? good’ and i go out like that#so it’s like. startling but also kinda really cool to have people actually remembering my face and thinking i’m cool or pretty or talented#or smart. or all of the above (preferably lol bc they’re all accurate ehehe)#even if they don’t automatically know how they recognize me#like. i’m here! i can be seen! and when i come face to face with these people who i’ve never seen before but who think i’m familiar#i can just casually chat with them and joke around and have fun#i can’t remember their names quite right. but they compliment my makeup or my shirt and an hour later i’m jokingly blowing kisses at them#idk it’s weird to think about how much i’ve changed as a person bc even four years ago this would’ve been like. unthinkable behavior#and now it just comes naturally i guess#(though the alcohol certainly helps i’m sure haha)#anyway i’m just proud of how far i’ve come both socially and in terms of my own self confidence and outgoingness#and my willingness to just be seen!!!
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endearing myself to my own oc tonight thinking about lil baby 13 y/o byan who's finally switched to using only they/them pronouns and finally able to experiment more with feminine clothing and makeup, and they're really excited about it but don't really know what they're doing yet? they're learning most if not all of this stuff on their own with no real guidance, so they're clumsy and they stumble a lot while they're trying to get the hang of it all - there are a lot of poorly blended makeup looks done with an unpracticed, heavy hand, a lot of messy attempts at hairstyles as their hair grows out for the first time ever, and a lot of outfits that are too much or the colours clash or the styles just don't quite mesh... they look pretty messy a lot of the time, but they're having so much fun.
#the first time someone calls the young lady instead of young man they're all '!!!!!' with big sparkling eyes#it's still not right but it's BETTER and it means that they're getting there. they're making progress.#it's really freeing!! it makes them really happy!!!#of course there are a lot of really uneasant interactions in this time too. arguably some of the worst they've faced up until then. but.#unpleasant* interactions even#we're not thinking about that rn. rn we're focusing on the happy and the cute#on bitty byan absolutely beaming when someone compliments their outfit or their nails or their makeup#on them slowly getting better at putting together coherent outfits and their hand getting steadier and!!!#learning how to do all those hairstyles they always wanted to wear but never could!!!#ughhhhghhgghh I have a lot of feelings about it ok...#and I have a lot of thoughts about that period of time where they presented entirely femme and a lot more cutesy#maybe one day I'll do a whole big hc post about it but for tonight u get my ramblings bc I'm tired and emotional#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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💭
#online diary#this is a bit of a rant so don’t mind this please I just gotta get it out#i hate tiktok with like my whole body#tiktok is such a cesspool I truly can’t wrap my head around it#and it’s such a shame because I think it can be a good place for some artistic videos and I love it for it#i love to see the aesthetic side of it the discovering cool music and all the actual art out of it#i love to see the way other people live specially in other cultures and I love watching makeup tutorials and stuff#and sure even the silly funny videos#but i do think people that are on it so much have actually become dumber#and like so reliable on ‘what’s trending now’ and so consumeristic and even like a bit narcissistic#and like so vain and it haunts me so much how people are just so openly pieces of shit excuses of a person#just so openly racist and fat phobic and every kind of awful person that you can imagine#and just how so full of hate some people are it truly disturbs me#like everything that’s wrong with people is just so common there#and so open to see even if you don’t want to#i think about deleting that app like every couple of days#and i never end up doing it because I know I’ll regret not being able to see all the good all the art and genuine nice stuff:/#anyway im not saying all people that use and like tiktok are bad of course I just get so overwhelmed every time I see the awful people#it like breaks my heart truly
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good god I hate it when people make me feel like I’m annoying or bugging them when they AGREE to do something for me but haven’t done it skdjdkfj I’m literally losing my mind and as I’m typing this I realize that’s bc it’s a trigger from someone in my immediate family who always does that to me so now I’m ready to detach and do the thing I need done by myself bc that’s what I always end up doing anyway 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
#idk if this is even sensible but omg!!!!#it’s so forkin frustrating!!!!#it’s been months and I’m like hello??? can I get an update???#and they’re so flippant and nonchalant like. please.#you don’t understand how much this bothers me akdjdkdj#like I asked that family member to just CHECK if we had paint over a month ago and they never did#so ykw I did??? went out and bought the fucking paint myself#like I hate waiting around on people#especially when they act annoyed when I keep asking them about it#and maybe this is a trait I need to work on myself but#when I want something done I want it done in my time!!! especially if it involves other people relying on me!!!!#I don’t have time to bullshit bc you are bc that makes my anxiety worse!!!!#ugh I’m just so fucking annoyed man#and I’m the type of person that can basically do everything for myself skdjdk#in terms of makeup and writing and crocheting and painting AND ALL OF THAT!!!!!#so this one thing I struggle with and having to rely on someone else to do it for me ooohhhh#bitch I’m heated#I’m so annoyed sorry I’m just so frustrated bc I got such a lackluster fucking response and just got really triggered :(#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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after a rlly bad fight this morning, mom and dad have both agreed to actually pay me for once for doing mom’s whole route for her (which I should’ve been being paid by mom this entire time once I started doing it most of the time) but I don’t expect much. I bet she’s gonna give me like $20 and be like ‘that’s more than enough and that’s all you’re getting period’ and dad, despite him being absolutely loaded with money, will probably only give me $20 too. tbh they BOTH owe me like $100+ a piece. him for babysitting his dog for 8 months and mom for doing her job for her.
#the bosses can’t afford to pay me and I completely understand#and I don’t actually work here so they don’t have to pay me#but they ocassionally give me $20-50 gift cards for general stuff#and they’ve already promised me one for helping mom last week#but I’m getting REALLY tired of doing all this work and further fucking up my foot/back#for free and not being acknowledged for my help#yes her foot’s bad but at this point I rlly think she’s abusing my willingness to help#I should be nice and refuse the money from mom and be like ‘oh u don’t have to do that it’s fine’#but no. I’m gonna get as much money as I can from her bc it’s only fair#for all the free time I’m sacrificing and for her being an overbearing abusive mother#who won’t even let me spend my own money on things I actually want#’oh but you’re not gonna actually use that’ and ‘dolls and plushies are wastes of money’#and she gets mad when I buy makeup but that’s literally something I need for my job (calling drag a job bc it technically is)#and I have to replace a bunch of stuff and upgrade to better quality stuff if I wanna look good and get booked#’well you didn’t earn it yourself so it’s not ACTUALLY your money. it’s mine and your dad’s#so we can control what you buy with it’ you do that yeah#but dad lets me use it on whatever the fuck I could possibly want#anyway fuck off and die in a ditch pls 💕
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i feel so envious when i see people with top scars and then i wonder what i would look like with them but then i feel like my tits are the best part of my body
#i feel like i also have like figured out what looks vaguely good on me and like#i learnt makeup so i feel like i have finally figured out how to be a girl in some ways#but also whenever i see top scars i am filled with such yearning#sometimes i’m like man i wonder if i just got breast cancer and thenni would#have an excuse to chop these off without the social drawbacks#ALSO i do not want to socialize like a man at all i can’t like#but also im just so scared for what people might say#and i don’t want to go into the pit again of feeling like unattractive like if T somehow like#i don’t know#makes changes i don’t like#i don’t even know anymore tbh#i wish i could like actually know what i am i remember asking like the equiv of gsa at my uni#like the trans ppl there how they knew they were trans and they gave me such mixed answers#which makes sense but i dont like that i wish i knew definitively#self image
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hate it how a HUGE attitude from ppl who wear makeup to ppl who don’t wear makeup is basically just ‘omg but dont you want to be pretty? uwu’ like im already beautiful u dumb son of a bitch. sorry my skin isn’t clear to the point of looking like an airbrushed magazine picture or polished to look like glass. as if that even matters
#I’ve never worn makeup im never GOING to wear makeup. oh my god. i don’t need it. nobody NEEDS makeup. everyone is beautiful w/o it.#if you genuinely like makeup and enjoy the process of applying it and u like making art with it on your face that’s great!!! you’re not the#person who says stuff like this. i love u and respect u <3 it’s the ppl who judge ppl for having texture on their skin or pigmentation or#redness or ppl who tell u to do your eyebrows or w/e the fuck. i want to stomp on you. like leave ppl alone. god.#i hate the way makeup has become even worse under '''girl boss''' like we are REGRESSING#🎆.txt
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