#i don’t even have words right now
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remembering this time last year when the whole reason i started watching stranger things was to see the depressed red head girl run away from her demons and find reason to live. remembering that the morning after vol 2 dropped i was at a sports event and one of my teammates stayed up late watching the entirety of vol 2 and spoiled some of it. remembering not knowing who they were talking about when they said someone died. remembering watching it in a airbnb room on my phone and crying during the van scene and a couple other scenes and my mom looking at me like “wtf”. remembering remembering remembering
#this show...#i don’t even have words right now#even just rewatching vol 1 like i am right now is making me so emotional. because you forget a lot of little things when you spend too long-#-without watching canon. and sometimes media is just a little time capsule for who you once were#and sometimes that never changes. but sometimes it does#anyway don’t mind me#🫧🪴#wayli goes insane#stranger things#byler
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What have you seen in the difference in 5-on-5 year over year? What’s up? 5-on-5, year over year, what do you see different? I don’t know, I mean - what do you mean? I don’t know.
Like even strength. Yeah, what about it?
#this is one of my FAVE post games ever.#like why are they interviewing him while he’s still actively undressing?? ripping off tape and removing his hockey socks and shin guards#the way he pauses and puts thought into a couple of the questions instead of a quick rote answer#but then he haaaates the vibe of this one guy lmao. zero patience for him. snippy passive aggressive!#‘what’s up?’ = enunciate and project your voice better if you want me to answer#‘I don’t even know what that means’ = I think you have a stupid question#‘yeah what about it?’ = my patience is wearing thin and you’re just saying words right now#and then randomly they start shining a BRIGHT LIGHT DIRECTLY ONTO HIS FACE#genuinely insane#jack hughes
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Thinking about how it was love over magic that hatched Malleus in the end and how that was the only thing that truly did matter to eggleus.
Malleus could have gotten all the magic he needed from Maleficia, but for an egg you need both love and magic.
Egg Malleus who rejected magic because the one he wanted the most wasn’t with him. Because he didn’t have that love that he wanted. I’m a firm believer that Malleus imprinted on Lilia as an egg.
He wanted Lilia. No one else.
He started accepting a little bit of magic again but that was just to hold on longer because Lilia told him to not go to any sparkling stars.
But in the end? It was Lilia’s love and magic that hatched him.
Malleus accepted the needed magic, the majority of the magic needed to hatch him was from Lilia in the end because it was Lilia who gave it to him.
In the end, it was truly love over magic. Because Malleus loved Lilia and Lilia returned that love. Love was the most important part of all.
Knowing this…I can see Lilia look at Malleus with pride because Malleus is strong and powerful. (We see this in Lilia’s PE card)
And Lilia is part of the reason why.
Because it’s Lilia’s magic that also flows through Malleus for him to be the way he is. It was Lilia’s love that made him so strong.
Malleus is that constant reminder of his happiness and love.
The catalyst that allowed him to become who he is today.
#I don’t even know if any of this made sense#just have so many thoughts and no words right now#2 am thoughts really said#let’s talk about this but make no sense lol#I need to continue the update but…my heart 💕💕💕😭😭😭😭#my heart can only take so much#(person who watched this update at least 10 times)#lilia vanrouge#malleus draconia#diasomnia#twisted wonderland#twst malleus draconia#twst lilia vanrouge
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niall horan the girl dad you are
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ok. someone’s gonna have to come get my dad or i’m gonna tweak.
#no bc he does this fucking thing where he talks to me like a dog? it could be for any reason. any. sometimes i just walk into a room.#and i can’t even BEGIN to understand what he means by it; if he’s trying to belittle me or if he just.#doesnt know how to talk to me any other way. but it pisses me off to no end cus it ALWAYS feels like the first one.#take last night for example: it was my brother’s birthday; and none of us had expected him to be visiting around this time#this is especially important for my little sister; bc she planned a sleepover with her friends several months in advance—#—to celebrate some of them graduating and one of them moving away.#so all night she’d been trying to get away. my mom told her after cake; so that was the original goalpost;#but then my dad just kept ADDING THINGS. first it was “after cake” then “after this; after that”#and this thing just keeps getting pushed further and further back#then he said “it’s trash day. collect the trash first and then you can go” AND MIND YOU ITS LIKE 7 PM AT THIS POINT#I CAN JUST SEE HER GETTING SO UPSET so i step in; tell her “i’ll take care of it; lets just go.”#AND MY DAD. MY DAD. MY DAD. omg.#he goes “wow!! so good!! 😁😁” WITH THE SAME TONE THAT HE TALKS TO THE DOG. WHY. WHY.#look idk what he means by it; he could just be filling empty space for all im aware; me and my dad have weird communication skills#but the message that it sends me is “who the hell do you think you are helping her right now.”#and that. makes me angrier than anything.#who the hell do you think YOU are trying to keep her from her friends. who the hell do you think YOU are TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT.#and i swear he could see that in my eyes cus then he goes “want some icecream 🥺?”#so i tell him “i don’t know what you mean by that.” in the flattest voice i can give#and he just throws his hands up in the air and g r o a n s as if to say ‘HERE WE GO AGAIN’#and i just. bite my tongue and drive my sister to her friends house.#but i swear he does this all the time. he just uses different code words. an old one used to be “mom made curry!” (my favorite meal)#and he’d use it every time he had something negative to say to me. yk. the same way you’d tease a dog with a treat to get them all excited.#“positive sandwich” is what he’d call it. a positive; then a negative; then a positive to make the whole thing ok#but yk a sandwich is always gonna taste like what’s inside. and brother; i can taste the shit between your buns.#yes i know how that sounds.#but yea. as soon as i got home he asked me if i wanted ice cream again.#rubbing salt in the wound? or just trying to curb my anger? i’ll never know. but it drove me upstairs for the rest of the night.#but yea that’s my little rant. someone come get my dad.#stan’s forum
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Mars, you have a lot more patience than I would at this point gdhfkjgdsfg. If you'll allow me to choose violence for a second:
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Hi anon! Did you know you can engage with other people without interpreting every word they use in the worst way possible, making a million assumptions about their background and prescribing opinions to them they've explicitly told you they don't have?
I don't even disagree with all of those rebuttals, but if you want people to engage in discussions with you you have to treat them like human beings, not your opposition in a court case. What are you expecting to get back when you act like this? About nonexistent fingers in his ass guy?
You should at least have got off anon and owned what you said- unless you're using anon to block evade, in which case you should consider respecting people's boundaries.
:D waow…. feeling very cared for in this chili’s tonight
#ask#lyre#as for my patience: yeah i am a bit more patient than i’d like to be#but anons like that are enrichment to me lmao#i try not to feed the trolls but there’s smth very satisfying in showing someone that they have failed to get under your skin#it was how i dealt with troublemakers/bullying in school as a kid ^_^#in one of my art classes (8th grade i think? so like 12-13yo) there was a kid who just refused to follow any directions#and would also try to distract and annoy everyone else#it pissed me off. so i decided i would literally just pretend he didn’t exist#he would get my attention and i wouldn’t respond. he’d try to startle me#wouldn’t even flinch. i got to the point where i could look Through him#it pissed him off so bad. i think i lowkey crave returning to the level of power i felt in that moment#anyways i employ a similar strategy with these types of anons. i’m trying to have Less patience with people but i’m not an angry person?#i don’t experience anger at individuals very often#i DO however have a strong competitive spirit and a trickster’s sense of humor#(yes i was raised on looney tunes can you tell)#so i laugh whenever ppl try to get under my skin like that because. heheheheee they’re madddddd they’re soooo angry#and it must piss them off sooooo bad that their words don’t make me feel bad :(( poor thang#this is probably a character flaw of mine in excess. but right now it’s funny#and hey if someone is gonna refuse to treat me with respect i think i’ve earned a few potshots right
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do you guys um. mods asleep anyone on the dash want to read 1.5k of roman history (tatd) fic i would be christening (haha) the tag for. and also help brainstorm with me to make it more than a scene but not an entire Plot 🙏
#not hockey but. i was possessed. that word count doesn’t even include the bullets points of me just screeching#i may have started to those about to die yesterday#and i may have immediately gone ‘ohhhh fuck okay’ about scorpus/tenax#to delete#liv in the replies#I am not about to post this on the archive because i would have to write god’s most unhinged author’s note to even explain in what way it#exists and ties into the existing show but like. ohhh i wanna do it. let me break a bottle on this one PLEASE i’m frothing at the mouth.#yes i need to rewatch the episodes also because i need to take detailed notes about the one (1) scene where they showed the steps up to the#platform of the circus maximus yes my search history looks mildly unhinged right now with just. me trying to find blueprints and googling#‘roman praetor short sword name’ ‘roman broach or pin cloth clasp name’ ‘circus maximus blueprint hall name cavern’ ‘roman floor material#it’s not that unhinged it’s just that it requires me to write like a 30k epic backstory in order to get to this climatic scene.#which i don’t want to do. but also I don’t think it makes sense without it you know? and considering I don’t know what the backstory would#be to even do a short-form summary of it do you see what the issue is 🫡
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something about finding the people who sit through your info dumps with joy on their face and enthusiasm for your passions. something about finding the people who info dump right back at you because they know you love hearing about their passions. something about finding the people who manage to sum up your being in one niche, oddly specific sentence that lives in your mind rent free for the rest of time. something about finding the people who not only accept you for who you are but embrace you for who you are. who not only tolerate your quirks and differences but love and cherish them.
#i’m in my feels today if you couldn’t tell#just thinking about one friend in particular who i don’t get to see in person nearly enough but i text all the time#idk it’s the little things#the way we send each other videos of ourselves explaining whatever we’re learning about right now#the way we don’t write it in a long message because the emotion and vibes don’t translate properly#the way he’s told me that the way i dress is so gender nonconforming in his eyes#how even though i’m afab and i wear glittery makeup and crop tops and have pink hair#i still look so queer and so gnc and so Not Girl in his eyes#how that felt so validating#how i could feel the genuine love in his words#how he told me once that i’m ‘not a person with lore but rather a person with a schtick’#and how he explained to me what my schtick was and how accurate it was#how he told me he can’t wait for me to get my degree(s) and be an openly queer person in stem#how he can’t wait for me to defend my thesis sometime in the future and be wearing the brightest makeup and the biggest earrings#and the tallest boots#how he loves that i go to my chem lab every week with glitter on my eyes#how it’s cool that i don’t care if i stick out like a sore thumb because i’m me#i remember how he dropped the she/her pronouns immediately upon ne saying i didn’t really vibe with them#(even when they were still technically on my list of ‘ok to use pronouns’)#how his boyfriend who i don’t know very well has always they/them-ed me because my friend does#and if my friend is doing it then it must be the right thing#idk i just love my friends#and this friend in particular is someone i’ve gotten really close with over the past 6 months or so#and i’m so glad to have him in my life#platonic love#friendship#tell your friends you love them
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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where’s the love for the writers out there writing your heart out for a fandom of three and a half people i love you
#anyway im trying to write something for a comic that doesn’t even exist yet lmfao#like me and one other person will get it#but im also having a good time so 🤷♀️#im trying to give myself a goal of just 500 words per day#just get some words out#get those neural pathways back#they’re still in my head i can feel them#i just have to map them out again#and i can’t do that if i don’t write#anyway im probably not gonna go back to the fics i was working on before the accident any time soon#i just can’t handle that level of concentration right now#buuuuuut im heavily thinking about doing a rewrite of an old fic i love#i think that would be an easier entry point#thanks for all your guys’ advice though i highly appreciate it#fan fic talk#sulley speaks
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Annnnnnnd I just lost all motivation and desire to work on the new fic I had started.
It had finally started to come along fairly well, too.
#personal log#I'm going to bed#maybe my self-esteem and shit will be better after some sleep#right now though...#I just feel like...I don’t even know#like I keep getting told to stop ripping off ideas...#suddenly I'm seeing my sister's vicious words float in front of me again#telling me I'm a plagierist and that I can't come up with ideas of my own and that's why I have to steal other people's ideas and characters
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ok yk what. now that i’ve had some time to process nghy canon, considering the current pacing of gen retcon, i think their next step is as ✨clear as day✨
i really like seeing them happy together, but i truly do think that they should divorce and either live the rest of their lives as single besties; partners in hero/heroine-isms, but better off as just friends, or go their separate ways for a bit and get back together when they’re a little older and wiser, staying together for good this time around, as each other’s first and last boyfriend/girlfriend
#‘haven’t you had quite enough of pushing your divorce agendas??? like with lxl????’ no. never.#idk i think part of their charm was nagisa’s patience and genuine earnest love for hiyori#and hiyori’s determination to achieve her goals of becoming a true heroine in every sense of the word…#but the current pacing is kinda… um. i really love how nghy is now truly canon ofc. but… it feels too rushed?#like they’re just checking off a box on a ‘relationships to go’ checklist?#and nagisa’s sudden second confession? in a throwaway line? what was that all about man… when did that even happen? excuse?#i think it’d have been more meaningful if hiyori was the one to confess without any prompting (to lead to their relationship)…#and. uh. don’t take this the wrong way but… noontea seemed a little peer pressure-y to me.#it kinda felt like juri and chizu were pressuring hiyori into getting a bf… it’s been eating away at me ever since i tried to tl it. but.#…idk. point is. i think a relationship built on those foundations (peer pressure/fomo and a suddenly persistent guy(???)) is doomed to fail#and so i think nghy should divorce. maybe they’ll reconnect romantically in a few years#(fulfilling nagisa’s agreement to be hiyori’s ‘last bf’ as well as having been her ‘first bf’ during their first try at a relationship)#or they could just be besties till the end of time; having been each other’s hero and heroine once upon a time#ik hw doesn’t do breakups of their main couples (not since nakimushi kareshi eons ago i think…)#but i think they should give it another go for nghy. maybe it’d make their love story a little more compelling#and maybe we could all unite under the cheers of hoping that ng and hy get back together in the future as more mature adults…?#idk i just. think the ‘right person; wrong time’ trope could work for nghy#like how it went in sukiuso/heroika with nagisa’s failed confession#even then they were the right person for each other; it just wasn’t the right time for them to date (personal goals/long distance/etc)#so maybe. this time ‘round even though they’ve started dating circumstances could still pop up here and there and maybe…?#…but idk~~~~~~~~ maybe it’s just the 5am thoughts or something that’s finally putting my incoherent trains of thoughts into words…#point is!!!!!! the current pacing is awkward!!!!!!!!! nghy deserve better!!!!!!! and their love story needs to be treated with more care!!!!#idk are hw trying to speedrun nghy for h10w bc nghy’s. like. a mix of different features of their previous couples#which would make ‘em the perfect couple to bring h10w together(???) or something???#but idk. im still really really happy the nghy is canon but. there are some mixed feelings here and there too…#idk dudes this has gotten way too long for its own good so ig i’ll stop here…#live laugh love nghy canon but… i still think they should break up for *at least* a year or so to reasses their relationship#sorry nghy… it’s for your own good i swear… i truly want you to be happy together!!!! i really do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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culturallymaxxing.. queerpilled……..
#i’m not making fun of that man blah blah blah blah don’t take this seriously plz..#i literally cannot stop thinking about it tho.. even w context idk i feel like it’s worded weird IDK#IM NOT A HATER…… NOT REALLY………..#i’m so tired.. i have 2 big exams friday and monday and then i will be FREE (mostly)#i literally feel culturally queer rn you guys…………#i’m reallyyyyy funny.. i swear……….#i’m also realllyyyyyy tired i just spent the past 6 hours working on my art project#so maybe i’m just a little delusional right now erm#don’t listen to ANYTHING I SAY let me just live in my delusions for now#porcelainposting
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thank you anon i’m going to address it 🫶🏻
#i’m pissed lmao#like#i don’t even have words#i’m at work right now so it may take me a second#i am not a safe space for people who consume and encourage riki smut#snail talk
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christening the blog w jaime ramblings ehehehe this isn’t gonna be great cuz im tired but ARGH this dumb blonde failguy lives in my head rent free
okay i fr loved his GoT ending and im HOLDON GUYS GUYS HEAR ME OUT. i am not a jaime/cersei shipper i promise. i just think it is highly in character and realistic of jaime to end up going back to this toxic relationship/household and i love it so much.
like he spends so much of the show believing cersei and the lannister’s and kings landing is the only place for him, he is a bad person and he fits in here with the bad people, it simply is. he doesn’t even consider change until he is knocked over the fucking head by the concept. and then he gets so close to leaving a couple times, but he always goes back, he’s intrigued by changing, if he could be a good person that might be cool. but ultimately it’s not something he can really buy into, so he goes back, this is where he belongs. but it’s not the same, he’s haunted by the idea that this isn’t the only place for him. but that’s weird and scary so he never actually seeks out brienne or any other place, just kindof stews in it until brienne shows up again, and most stories would have him either actually recover and get better, or reveal that he’s “too far gone” in some way. but for jaime he made the decision, it’s not that he’s incapable of change, it’s that he’s scared of change, he doesn’t want to believe recovery is possible for him because it’s fucking terrifying and he’d have to yknow, actually get better. he manages to do the right thing a couple times but in the end he cannot cope w recovery, can’t cope with the fact that he is capable of change. that he actually was a bad person and that was actually bad and changing would mean condemning his past behavior and his family and not doing those things anymore. so once again he goes back to cersei and his family and kings landing and it leads to his death. and it’s such a good ending to his tragic fucking story and i love it so much
no more happy ending only characters failing to get better bc they are too ashamed of their past ty ty
#i love failboy jaime so much#this is not even enough words to explain why i lvoe it#id need to dissect jaime/cersei entire relationship first#how it’s based entirely on them believing there is nothing better for them out there#jaime seeing something better and being so fucking terrified to realize everything he’s done until now WAS his decision#not fated not his only option not some unnescapable destiny#and he can’t handle it he needs to be a bad person he can’t be a failed good person#it’s so much easier if you’re just an awful person who can never change then you don’t even have to try right jaime#pathetic little meow meow#UGH#i love him#need to throw him in a river#tired and sick ramblings uggghhh#jaime lannister#game of thrones#GoT#cersei lannister#?#she’s mentioned#i will properly disect their relationship later#AND IK IK ITS ALL SO MICH BETTER IN THE BOOK#i’m still on book one :(#slow reader curse
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…well, turns out changing to a Jo pfp is fitting in more ways than one.
#yeah turns out I’m going to be having a Jo and Laurie on the Hill moment. hopefully not to such a dramatic degree but#I went out with The Boy yesterday and I was dreading it so much#and it was fine but then at the end he asked if we could make it official that we were dating#and I asked him to give me a little bit of time to think (which he was super sweet about he did literally nothing wrong)#but yeah I just came to the conclusion within ten seconds of leaving the restaurant that it wasn’t going to work. like I felt nothing when#he asked me that question. and I wanted this to work so bad! it makes so much sense on paper but I’m just not feeling it#and I talked to my dad about it and he said that because the part of the brain that processes emotions is not connected to the part that#processes language aren’t connected that people who are married struggle to put into words why they married their spouse#so if I can’t put into words why I don’t want to date this guy it’s perfectly valid#and I suppose he’s right I just feel terrible about it. like how often do you find a guy this courteous and genuinely good? and like I#think maybe part of what’s bothering me was that there was almost no romance to this. like never at any point did he tell me that he even#liked me. it was just ‘hey we’ve hung out a few times now should we say we’re dating?’ and I’m not trying to rag on him he’s probably just#shy but it rang a little like a business proposition to me#but ugh. now I have to call (because I’m not going to do it over text) and break this poor boy’s heart#it’s a really good thing I have the play and my novel to distract me otherwise I’d be a mess#anyway prayers would be appreciated
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