#i don’t even have words right now
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remembering this time last year when the whole reason i started watching stranger things was to see the depressed red head girl run away from her demons and find reason to live. remembering that the morning after vol 2 dropped i was at a sports event and one of my teammates stayed up late watching the entirety of vol 2 and spoiled some of it. remembering not knowing who they were talking about when they said someone died. remembering watching it in a airbnb room on my phone and crying during the van scene and a couple other scenes and my mom looking at me like “wtf”. remembering remembering remembering
#this show...#i don’t even have words right now#even just rewatching vol 1 like i am right now is making me so emotional. because you forget a lot of little things when you spend too long-#-without watching canon. and sometimes media is just a little time capsule for who you once were#and sometimes that never changes. but sometimes it does#anyway don’t mind me#🫧🪴#wayli goes insane#stranger things#byler
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Thinking about how it was love over magic that hatched Malleus in the end and how that was the only thing that truly did matter to eggleus.
Malleus could have gotten all the magic he needed from Maleficia, but for an egg you need both love and magic.
Egg Malleus who rejected magic because the one he wanted the most wasn’t with him. Because he didn’t have that love that he wanted. I’m a firm believer that Malleus imprinted on Lilia as an egg.
He wanted Lilia. No one else.
He started accepting a little bit of magic again but that was just to hold on longer because Lilia told him to not go to any sparkling stars.
But in the end? It was Lilia’s love and magic that hatched him.
Malleus accepted the needed magic, the majority of the magic needed to hatch him was from Lilia in the end because it was Lilia who gave it to him.
In the end, it was truly love over magic. Because Malleus loved Lilia and Lilia returned that love. Love was the most important part of all.
Knowing this…I can see Lilia look at Malleus with pride because Malleus is strong and powerful. (We see this in Lilia’s PE card)
And Lilia is part of the reason why.
Because it’s Lilia’s magic that also flows through Malleus for him to be the way he is. It was Lilia’s love that made him so strong.
Malleus is that constant reminder of his happiness and love.
The catalyst that allowed him to become who he is today.
#I don’t even know if any of this made sense#just have so many thoughts and no words right now#2 am thoughts really said#let’s talk about this but make no sense lol#I need to continue the update but…my heart 💕💕💕😭😭😭😭#my heart can only take so much#(person who watched this update at least 10 times)#lilia vanrouge#malleus draconia#diasomnia#twisted wonderland#twst malleus draconia#twst lilia vanrouge
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niall horan the girl dad you are
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i’ve never been as angry on behalf of a character as i am for sam winchester
#currently thinking about season four and five. absolutely fuckibg mental#the world literally reshapes itself around him to prove him wrong#its all framed as God. Sam was so stupid and selfish and reckless for drinking demon blood. He just liked the power of it and he chose a#DEMON over DEAN.#but. that’s not the story they tell in s4.#like even aside from every single other complexity. Sam is literally right. he has ZERO WAY of knowing that killing lilith is the final seal#AND DEAN DOESNT KNOW TJAT EITHER. like sam is literally right he can kill lilith and he does kill lilith. dean wants lilith dead just as#much. sam’s cardinal sin is disobeying dean and then the world flips around on him and plot twist sam and dean were both wrong all along and#killing lilith is what will bring back lucifer :)#but. it’s not framed like that either. it’s framed like SAM BROUGHT BACK LUCIFER BY KILLING LILITH WHILE HIGH ON DEMON BLOOD#dean you wanted to kill lilith too?????????#but. doesn’t matter dean despite being mostly motivated by jealous anger is retroactively proven to be Right#and sam is retroactively proven to be Wrong. he is bad#i just. jesus. sam’s not evil ever. he’s hardly even that fucking morally grey#and he still thinks there’s something wrong with him that he’s a freak that he’s inherently evil and needs to be purified#why?? cause of something fucked up that happened to him when he was a baby#and because he’s disobeyed his father and his brother and been angry at awful things that have happened to him#makes me feel fucking insane actually#no wonder narrative frames sam as evil no wonder he’s inherently marked as Bad by the forces in supernatural like even on a meta level#in supernatural gods just another shitty father. embodiment of the familial patriarch. and from sam’s very first moment on the show he’s in#opposition to that he’s ran away from john and he argues with dean. therefore he is evil#i don’t think my words r really making sense right now but. fucking hell#and sam is so swamped in guilt all of season five and he just fucking accepts that everything bad is his fault#and he gets tortured in the cage to save the fucking world and it’s STILL not enough. not to appease his own guilt and not to appease deans#anger at him. dean is still throwing his perceived violations back at him in like season nine!!#and whenever he tries to get out it’s treated as yet another Sin. narrative acts like sam thinking dean was dead and having a life outside#of hunting is The Worst Thing He Ever Did#worst sin sam ever commits in the eyes of the show is disobedience. Absolutely awful actually#spn#sam winchester
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Mars, you have a lot more patience than I would at this point gdhfkjgdsfg. If you'll allow me to choose violence for a second:
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Hi anon! Did you know you can engage with other people without interpreting every word they use in the worst way possible, making a million assumptions about their background and prescribing opinions to them they've explicitly told you they don't have?
I don't even disagree with all of those rebuttals, but if you want people to engage in discussions with you you have to treat them like human beings, not your opposition in a court case. What are you expecting to get back when you act like this? About nonexistent fingers in his ass guy?
You should at least have got off anon and owned what you said- unless you're using anon to block evade, in which case you should consider respecting people's boundaries.
:D waow…. feeling very cared for in this chili’s tonight
#ask#lyre#as for my patience: yeah i am a bit more patient than i’d like to be#but anons like that are enrichment to me lmao#i try not to feed the trolls but there’s smth very satisfying in showing someone that they have failed to get under your skin#it was how i dealt with troublemakers/bullying in school as a kid ^_^#in one of my art classes (8th grade i think? so like 12-13yo) there was a kid who just refused to follow any directions#and would also try to distract and annoy everyone else#it pissed me off. so i decided i would literally just pretend he didn’t exist#he would get my attention and i wouldn’t respond. he’d try to startle me#wouldn’t even flinch. i got to the point where i could look Through him#it pissed him off so bad. i think i lowkey crave returning to the level of power i felt in that moment#anyways i employ a similar strategy with these types of anons. i’m trying to have Less patience with people but i’m not an angry person?#i don’t experience anger at individuals very often#i DO however have a strong competitive spirit and a trickster’s sense of humor#(yes i was raised on looney tunes can you tell)#so i laugh whenever ppl try to get under my skin like that because. heheheheee they’re madddddd they’re soooo angry#and it must piss them off sooooo bad that their words don’t make me feel bad :(( poor thang#this is probably a character flaw of mine in excess. but right now it’s funny#and hey if someone is gonna refuse to treat me with respect i think i’ve earned a few potshots right
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“Isn’t it weird that we don’t use cell phones in our dreams”
That’s not weird. What’s weird is that we cannot READ in our dreams. What the fuck is with that. We don’t talk about this enough - it’s so spooky.
#these are twitter thoughts but Twitter is dead so now I subject yall to them#honestly that probably explains why you don’t use your phone in dreams - you can’t read anything on it longer than a sentence#i have talked to so many people about this and they all report back the same:#If you try to actually read something in a dream instead of automatically ~absorbing~ the info#you can’t get past a maximum of a few words before losing the ability to understand what you’re looking at#even ppl who are VERY visual thinkers/dreamers cannot read in their dreams#interesting that literacy does not make the cut for dream brain access#but maybe that’s a sample bias? everybody go to sleep and try to actually read the words of any text you see.#then report back#shut up e#queuing this at 11am to post at 1am to hit with the right crowd (people awake at 1am on a Tuesday)
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do you guys um. mods asleep anyone on the dash want to read 1.5k of roman history (tatd) fic i would be christening (haha) the tag for. and also help brainstorm with me to make it more than a scene but not an entire Plot 🙏
#not hockey but. i was possessed. that word count doesn’t even include the bullets points of me just screeching#i may have started to those about to die yesterday#and i may have immediately gone ‘ohhhh fuck okay’ about scorpus/tenax#to delete#liv in the replies#I am not about to post this on the archive because i would have to write god’s most unhinged author’s note to even explain in what way it#exists and ties into the existing show but like. ohhh i wanna do it. let me break a bottle on this one PLEASE i’m frothing at the mouth.#yes i need to rewatch the episodes also because i need to take detailed notes about the one (1) scene where they showed the steps up to the#platform of the circus maximus yes my search history looks mildly unhinged right now with just. me trying to find blueprints and googling#‘roman praetor short sword name’ ‘roman broach or pin cloth clasp name’ ‘circus maximus blueprint hall name cavern’ ‘roman floor material#it’s not that unhinged it’s just that it requires me to write like a 30k epic backstory in order to get to this climatic scene.#which i don’t want to do. but also I don’t think it makes sense without it you know? and considering I don’t know what the backstory would#be to even do a short-form summary of it do you see what the issue is 🫡
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something about finding the people who sit through your info dumps with joy on their face and enthusiasm for your passions. something about finding the people who info dump right back at you because they know you love hearing about their passions. something about finding the people who manage to sum up your being in one niche, oddly specific sentence that lives in your mind rent free for the rest of time. something about finding the people who not only accept you for who you are but embrace you for who you are. who not only tolerate your quirks and differences but love and cherish them.
#i’m in my feels today if you couldn’t tell#just thinking about one friend in particular who i don’t get to see in person nearly enough but i text all the time#idk it’s the little things#the way we send each other videos of ourselves explaining whatever we’re learning about right now#the way we don’t write it in a long message because the emotion and vibes don’t translate properly#the way he’s told me that the way i dress is so gender nonconforming in his eyes#how even though i’m afab and i wear glittery makeup and crop tops and have pink hair#i still look so queer and so gnc and so Not Girl in his eyes#how that felt so validating#how i could feel the genuine love in his words#how he told me once that i’m ‘not a person with lore but rather a person with a schtick’#and how he explained to me what my schtick was and how accurate it was#how he told me he can’t wait for me to get my degree(s) and be an openly queer person in stem#how he can’t wait for me to defend my thesis sometime in the future and be wearing the brightest makeup and the biggest earrings#and the tallest boots#how he loves that i go to my chem lab every week with glitter on my eyes#how it’s cool that i don’t care if i stick out like a sore thumb because i’m me#i remember how he dropped the she/her pronouns immediately upon ne saying i didn’t really vibe with them#(even when they were still technically on my list of ‘ok to use pronouns’)#how his boyfriend who i don’t know very well has always they/them-ed me because my friend does#and if my friend is doing it then it must be the right thing#idk i just love my friends#and this friend in particular is someone i’ve gotten really close with over the past 6 months or so#and i’m so glad to have him in my life#platonic love#friendship#tell your friends you love them
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i need to remake my cup bros ref… both cup and human designs… it’s been almost a year(?) and i’ve developed the headcanons and i would like to share with the class!!! (i wrote thirty tags. Please help me)
#my little hc i kinda showed in the refs but didn’t point out: cuphead’s handle appears broken/in human form his ear is halved#cause he has microtia (that also affects the eustachiantube/middle ear). basically i am a HoH cuphead truther#also to add onto that i think he has poor auditory processing issues cause i also see him as AuDHD#double also. while he would use ASL on a bad hearing day i think regularly he also uses home signs to express words/concepts#autism-related btw. it’s actually a bit visible in insert cuphead media (to me at least LOL) that cuphead expresses a lot of body language#so not liking conversation oral or signed as well as replacing oral words w home signs is in character. at least to my headcanon whatever#floats your boat!#OH! plus his split upper lip that i draw him with isn’t related to the microtia. he just roughhouses and chipped/tore his lip open when he#was younger#cuphead is also a trans boy. it feels right to me LOL#even back in 2017 when i barely knew the game or also much about trans people i saw cuphead and was like hm. hm!#tbh he just pawned his clothes onto mugman. who i’ve also changed my hc for i see him more as bigender than a cis boy now#LOL. i cast bi on mugman. sorry buddy#OH HIM TOO. im so sorry mugsy i have like two headcanons for you 😭😭😭#she uses he/she 2 me. i like casting personal parts of myself onto mugman even if i gravitate more towards cuphead/chalice#i see him as a bi ace as well. and a hopeless romantic. i don’t ship uhh i don’t remember what it’s called#i don’t ship cala maria X mugman (respect though) cause i see the cups as kids and i’m also a hilda X maria shipper LOL#but in the show. i will be real that she is a hopeless romantic. Look at that dork#FORGOT TO MENTION. i am a cuphead aroace truther to my grave. KEEP THAT MUSHY ROMANCE OUT OF MY HIGH SEAS ADVENTURE!!!!#like i said w cuphead before mugman is AuDHD (they share. many genes LMFAO)#however the difference is that they express it in different ways; while cuphead’s is more linked to his hearing/social behavior#mugman’s is more related to her emotions. i see it through my headcanon colored glasses that especially in the show mugman has more#meltdowns between the two cups#he has high emotional sensitivity both in positive and negative ways; former as in being strongly attached to cuphead and latter as in#more prone to meltdowns as well as being very literal#which isn’t a bad thing of course. mugman we are shaking hands so hard we are the same#OK that’s all the ones i want to share right now. i also haven’t shared her human or cup design i did but i’m workshopping chalice!!!!!!#i am leaving her out intentionally she deserves her own post because i luv her so much#ok post over. twenty minutes dedicated to autism about the twins out of the trio#cuphead
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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where’s the love for the writers out there writing your heart out for a fandom of three and a half people i love you
#anyway im trying to write something for a comic that doesn’t even exist yet lmfao#like me and one other person will get it#but im also having a good time so 🤷♀️#im trying to give myself a goal of just 500 words per day#just get some words out#get those neural pathways back#they’re still in my head i can feel them#i just have to map them out again#and i can’t do that if i don’t write#anyway im probably not gonna go back to the fics i was working on before the accident any time soon#i just can’t handle that level of concentration right now#buuuuuut im heavily thinking about doing a rewrite of an old fic i love#i think that would be an easier entry point#thanks for all your guys’ advice though i highly appreciate it#fan fic talk#sulley speaks
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culturallymaxxing.. queerpilled……..
#i’m not making fun of that man blah blah blah blah don’t take this seriously plz..#i literally cannot stop thinking about it tho.. even w context idk i feel like it’s worded weird IDK#IM NOT A HATER…… NOT REALLY………..#i’m so tired.. i have 2 big exams friday and monday and then i will be FREE (mostly)#i literally feel culturally queer rn you guys…………#i’m reallyyyyy funny.. i swear……….#i’m also realllyyyyyy tired i just spent the past 6 hours working on my art project#so maybe i’m just a little delusional right now erm#don’t listen to ANYTHING I SAY let me just live in my delusions for now#porcelainposting
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“damn i feel like I got hit by a bus, I wonder why I’m so tired”
me at 1:00 am last night freaking out because I just realized that the one panel where pumpkin daddy’s stupid little beard was transparent was fixed in the version of the page that the author sent me (this is shocking information) (when did it get fixed) (this is amazing) (I’m so glad I don’t have to see his ugly ass chin anymore) (this is definitely worth staying up another half hour)
#‘why does this matter’ this matters So much this is an incredible piece of lore#I can’t believe this I’ve been making fun of his transparent beard for almost a year now#considering it was fixed at all that surely means the fixed version was posted somewhere#so during my initial roundup of the pages I must’ve gone with the version that wasn’t fixed. fascinating#there was also a page with two versions where a word was spelled wrong but interestingly I never got the one where it was spelled right#it’s all extremely interesting isn’t i—what do you mean no#consider this a reminder that while a majority of the time I’m yapping about pdbc and not roots itself#I still. have an extreme hyperfixation with roots itself#see me talking until my throat hurt the other day trying to explain how much I hate a character (MIYA) (FUCK YOU MIYA) (SHES SO AWFUL)#don’t even get me started on seangate. or bellegate. or sizzlegate. or anything really#if you think I’m passionate about pdbc I am doubly passionate about roots
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christening the blog w jaime ramblings ehehehe this isn’t gonna be great cuz im tired but ARGH this dumb blonde failguy lives in my head rent free
okay i fr loved his GoT ending and im HOLDON GUYS GUYS HEAR ME OUT. i am not a jaime/cersei shipper i promise. i just think it is highly in character and realistic of jaime to end up going back to this toxic relationship/household and i love it so much.
like he spends so much of the show believing cersei and the lannister’s and kings landing is the only place for him, he is a bad person and he fits in here with the bad people, it simply is. he doesn’t even consider change until he is knocked over the fucking head by the concept. and then he gets so close to leaving a couple times, but he always goes back, he’s intrigued by changing, if he could be a good person that might be cool. but ultimately it’s not something he can really buy into, so he goes back, this is where he belongs. but it’s not the same, he’s haunted by the idea that this isn’t the only place for him. but that’s weird and scary so he never actually seeks out brienne or any other place, just kindof stews in it until brienne shows up again, and most stories would have him either actually recover and get better, or reveal that he’s “too far gone” in some way. but for jaime he made the decision, it’s not that he’s incapable of change, it’s that he’s scared of change, he doesn’t want to believe recovery is possible for him because it’s fucking terrifying and he’d have to yknow, actually get better. he manages to do the right thing a couple times but in the end he cannot cope w recovery, can’t cope with the fact that he is capable of change. that he actually was a bad person and that was actually bad and changing would mean condemning his past behavior and his family and not doing those things anymore. so once again he goes back to cersei and his family and kings landing and it leads to his death. and it’s such a good ending to his tragic fucking story and i love it so much
no more happy ending only characters failing to get better bc they are too ashamed of their past ty ty
#i love failboy jaime so much#this is not even enough words to explain why i lvoe it#id need to dissect jaime/cersei entire relationship first#how it’s based entirely on them believing there is nothing better for them out there#jaime seeing something better and being so fucking terrified to realize everything he’s done until now WAS his decision#not fated not his only option not some unnescapable destiny#and he can’t handle it he needs to be a bad person he can’t be a failed good person#it’s so much easier if you’re just an awful person who can never change then you don’t even have to try right jaime#pathetic little meow meow#UGH#i love him#need to throw him in a river#tired and sick ramblings uggghhh#jaime lannister#game of thrones#GoT#cersei lannister#?#she’s mentioned#i will properly disect their relationship later#AND IK IK ITS ALL SO MICH BETTER IN THE BOOK#i’m still on book one :(#slow reader curse
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…well, turns out changing to a Jo pfp is fitting in more ways than one.
#yeah turns out I’m going to be having a Jo and Laurie on the Hill moment. hopefully not to such a dramatic degree but#I went out with The Boy yesterday and I was dreading it so much#and it was fine but then at the end he asked if we could make it official that we were dating#and I asked him to give me a little bit of time to think (which he was super sweet about he did literally nothing wrong)#but yeah I just came to the conclusion within ten seconds of leaving the restaurant that it wasn’t going to work. like I felt nothing when#he asked me that question. and I wanted this to work so bad! it makes so much sense on paper but I’m just not feeling it#and I talked to my dad about it and he said that because the part of the brain that processes emotions is not connected to the part that#processes language aren’t connected that people who are married struggle to put into words why they married their spouse#so if I can’t put into words why I don’t want to date this guy it’s perfectly valid#and I suppose he’s right I just feel terrible about it. like how often do you find a guy this courteous and genuinely good? and like I#think maybe part of what’s bothering me was that there was almost no romance to this. like never at any point did he tell me that he even#liked me. it was just ‘hey we’ve hung out a few times now should we say we’re dating?’ and I’m not trying to rag on him he’s probably just#shy but it rang a little like a business proposition to me#but ugh. now I have to call (because I’m not going to do it over text) and break this poor boy’s heart#it’s a really good thing I have the play and my novel to distract me otherwise I’d be a mess#anyway prayers would be appreciated
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i genuinely have not stopped thinking about the very real dream i had last night lol
#it felt SO real and it’s really wigging me out#so my ex was mh childhood bestfriend and we grew up together and were high school sweethearts blah blah blah#haven’t seen or spoken to each other in almost 7 years#he ended up getting married and they had a baby last year#so in my dream I ran into him at the airport and he had his daughter but his daughter was 4 years old in the dream#and he introduced me to her/her to me and we ended up hanging out as we waited for our flights#and it was just sooooooo#I don’t even know what the right word to use here is that doesn’t make me sound crazy lol#it felt like we had been friends all this time hahahahah anyway#but it just felt so comforting and like home ????? idk if that makes sense but obviously we knew each other so well back then#and I feel a lil emosh about it all bc I haven’t thought about him in YEARS and like he’s married and I would never go there#but now I feel like I have this huge gaping hole in my chest where I kiss the intimacy of someone knowing me and loving me so well????? LOL#and like I’m not looking for a relationship but I’m not opposed to it at all either so maybe I need to just start taking my love#life a little more seriously yk???#anyway#I’m having a crisis but it’s FINE I’ll live
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