#i may have started to those about to die yesterday

[crossbackpoke-check]

do you guys um. mods asleep anyone on the dash want to read 1.5k of roman history (tatd) fic i would be christening (haha) the tag for. and also help brainstorm with me to make it more than a scene but not an entire Plot 🙏

[ratioaven]

spoilers for 2.1 !!!!!!!

aventurine rant, please keep in my mind that these are my own thoughts and interpretations. im extremely sleep deprived lol so im sorry if i got anything wrong

something thats been on my mind since yesterday are these lines.

from the start to me, it was very clear aventurine had self esteem/worth issues because of how he treats his own life, but the line that says “the other hand is below the table, clutching your chips for dear life” stuck out to me.

i always assumed aventurine was so incredibly confident in his luck but in reality he is afraid. he’s terrified that he’ll lose. it’s an act. he convinces himself, he fools himself, he forces himself to act like he’s confident he’ll win, when in reality even if he does win, he’s still clutching his chips under the table for dear life because of how terrified he is of losing.

that really messed with me to be honest. i feel tricked and what’s ironic is that he tricks his opponents into thinking he’s confident, and he also tricked ME the player but really, this made my heart break in two because i had absolutely no clue up until now.

so why does he act this way

all throughout his life, aventurine has had his pride stripped away. just try to imagine being in his shoes. i myself do not think i could deal with the situations he was put in. i cannot stress this enough, aventurine has a mark on his neck that screams to him that he has once belonged to someone. he has had his pride stripped away from him countless times. but it’s ironic because aventurine is introduced as a very prideful and flashy man. you start to realize the front aventurine puts on is his own way of protecting himself. it’s how he’s able to live basically. i wanna go into more detail but i will later.

as it was said before, aventurine is an uptight person who worries. he is extremely afraid of losing and he has a massive inferiority complex. aventurine may seem like a go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality he is not. he is not happy. he has no self worth, he believes he has nothing to live for, and he has no problem with throwing his life away. aventurine believes the only good thing he brings to the table is his luck.

but this brings me to my next point.

aventurine may not realize it, but he is so much more than his luck. he has so many good qualities and he doesn’t seem to realize it. even if some of it may be an act, he’s still able to pull it off. he’s still an intelligent business man who is both charming and cunning EVEN if it may be an act, those are still amazing qualities to have in his line of work.

but more importantly, aventurine chose to live. despite witnessing his family die, being a slave, and tortured, he chose to live. he chooses to. i cannot stress this enough. this man has gone through hell and back. he truly has had an incredibly difficult life to the point where my heart hurts so so badly for him. he made the decision to stay alive.

that says more than enough about his character.

and last but not least, aventurine wants one thing, and that is to be with his family. he’s witnessed horrible things in his life that no one should ever go through. he lost everyone close to him, he lost his people. he has nothing to live for and he values his life so little to the point where he has no problem with dying. the only real thing that he wants is just to see his family.

and he will one day, but in the meantime, i genuinely hope this man can find a reason to live, and ratio already gave him one just by that note. i just truly wish aventurine happiness while he lives the rest of his life.

i guess this is a topic that really hits me hard because i know all too well that choosing to live life isn’t easy sometimes and i just love aventurine.

let’s all appreciate how truly amazing his character is.

[writer-logbook]

5 tips for proofreading & their pros and cons

Define your objectives for each chapter. In my case, some of my chapters are better written than others. My objectives for them will differ. Before starting my proofreading, I list my needs and areas of improvements, and I write them down somewhere so I have them in front of me rather than in my head alone.

Pros : allows you to know which points you need to focus on ; provides a guideline adapted to your needs.

Cons : risk of losing homogeneity and fluidity + flaws may be shifted to other chapters that didn't have them before due to a sudden imbalance.

Plan several proofreading sessions, each one of them addressing ONE NEED AT A TIME. (E.g., one for grammar, another for style, and a final one for coherence. ) And I insist on the "one need at a time" part. Even for those who can multitask (unlike me), I really don't recommend settling for a single proofreading session. It could interfere with your concentration and let you skip some flaws. And please, always give your chapter a final read after your edits to ensure that the elements make sense as a whole, and are not repeated every two paragraphs (I plead guilty, your honor)

Pros: allows you to focus precisely on each point, and give it dedicated attention.

Cons: you can quickly get confused and risk multiple re-readings + significant time investment.

I make my corrections on a separate file. Whatever you do, it's always better to have a backup and therefore to save your files (don't blindly trust autosave) to create archives. I think it's a two-ways process : 1) you open two files simultaneously, one with your V1 and one, blank, where you'll rewrite your chapter as you make changes. Eventually, this new doc will become your V2 ; 2) you copy the parts to proofread into a new document and edit directly in there.

Pros: allows you to rewrite as you wish without being discouraged by the following paragraphs - especially in case of the first way.

Cons: requires multiple files (maybe multiple screens to be at ease) and better organization.

Change the typography. I don't know about you, but after a while, I'm struck by semantic satiation (click on the link - it's Wikipedia -, it's very interesting) and nothing makes sense anymore. After the 52,846th proofreading, I might as well read in another language. I've found a relatively effective trick - not as effective as a complete break, but sometimes you need to move forward - which consists of changing the typography. I can't remember who gave me this advice though, but be sure they've been thanked more than enough in my mind. In any case, seeing words change their shape significantly helps my brain to stay focused and attentive. (Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me but I only see the results.)

Pros: it's simple to implement.

Cons: I don't know if this trick works for everyone or if I'm the only weirdo (you can tell me in the comment section).

Take notes. This is a very personal tip but I keep a proofreading logbook. Like, I record in a few sentences the first time an element is mentioned, how it's describes, and most importantly… I MENTION THE DATES. The story I'm currently writing is heavily governed by a chronological system, so I have an absolute need to keep the day count up to date.

Pros: helps avoid inconsistencies and oversights.

Cons: very tedious to maintain and creates (a lot) of extra work.

I've started my prooreading journey yesterday and I already want to die. If I find in the edits something that is worth making a post, be sure that I will. Or let me know if you're simply curious.

Gentle reminder : Best is the worst enemy of good so, at some point, you'll have to let it go and let your chapter live its life to its fullest. Don't be hard on yourself and be proud of your work - or know that I am.

[chaniceroses]

Bad Boys Ride Or Die: (Armando x Reader) PART THREE

After a hectic day yesterday. You, Mike and Marcus spent the rest of the day making phone calls and writing down names of those who were close to Captain Howard. You are currently  in your living room, you followed suit with not  going into work with Mike and Marcus since you knew that the whole precinct was pretty much against Howard. 

You found yourself looking at a picture of you, Howard and the boys at a summer basketball game of one of his family members. Life had seemed to be so easier to you then, besides the fact that once you had left he was later shot and killed.

“We have your back Captain.”, you whispered looking at the photo. Before you could finish your thoughts you were interrupted by your phone ringing. It was Mike.

“Hey, what’s up.”, you asked, grabbing your purse and looking around for your keys.

“We’re getting ready to head over to the prison, we can come pick you up.”

“No, I’ll meet you there. Heading out now.”, you replied, spotting your keys on the counter.

“Okay.”

You and Mike’s conversation ended. Short and quick, that is how you like it. You’re not much of a talkative person, unless it's something interesting. You went to grab your keys when you noticed once again that your window was slightly up. It kind of gave you the chills but you didn’t know why. You turned around and took a quick glance of your house, scanning the corners and the dark areas. You felt something but also nothing at all.

“I always come by this window, I probably forgot to pull it back down.”, you muttered, shutting it and locking it. You left your home with an odd feeling in your stomach. You weren't sure if it was because you're about to meet Captain Howard’s murderer or the fact that every time you enter your living room, your window is always up.

As you walked to your car, you were stopped by a little kid riding his bike into your driveway. It was the little boy that lives down the street from you, he always comes over to spend time with you when you are home.

“How can I help you?”, you asked, setting your bag on top of your car and walking up to him.

“Why are you coming home late all the time?”, he asked with the softest voice you’ve ever heard. You had a thing for children, well the adorable soft spoken ones. The badass ones you couldn’t stand, you felt that they are demons in children's skin.

“Remember the fake badge I gave you. I’m a police officer, that will happen.”, you smiled, kneeling down to his level. 

“Yeah but multiple times a night?”he asked, tilting his head. You could tell that he was genuinely confused, which made you lost also.

“What do you mean?”, you questioned standing up to brush your pants.

“I see you come home late, sorry for spying. I'm just so worried. I watch tv and I see what happens.”, he replied, lowering his head. You could tell that he was sad but also genuine. You lifted his head and stared at him into his eyes. His thick glasses made his eyes way bigger than they are and younger than he looked.

“You have nothing to worry about, okay, lady bug. Once I'm free, we can hangout. I know that your grandparents wouldn’t mind.”, you smiled. Lady Bug is the nickname that you gave him. You never learned his actual real name but because he stays in your yard to catch them, you decided to start calling him that.

“Okay.”, he smiled, pulling out of your driveway and riding away. You watched as his training wheels wobbled. He had to be around five or six. However, you never thought to ask.

You grabbed your bag off the top of your car and got inside. You weren’t the type to listen to music while driving, especially during stressful times. You felt the need to drive in silence so you can collect your thoughts and create a plan. Just in case Marcus and Mike don’t have one, which you know that they never do.

It makes you nervous and nauseous, which means what’s happening right now may become worse. Your body never lies, so believe what it is trying to tell you. 

The drive over to the prison took a while but eventually you made it. You pulled up to see Mike and Marcus waiting on you near the entrance. The prison was huge, which means those who were in there had to do some pretty horrible things. After parking next to Mike’s car and walking up to them, you could see the hesitant expression across Mike’s face.

“You ready?”you asked, patting him on his back. He looked at you and replied with a “yes” by shaking his head. It was hot outside with a slight cool breeze, however with the sun beaming onto the three of you backs. You were ready to go in with or without him. The walk inside was long. Alarms were going off left and right, which means something just went down. The three of you were met by the security guards.

“Armando Armas.”, Mike said, lifting up his badge. The guard shifted his eyes towards you and Marcus which made you reply by showing yours.

“Follow Me.”, the guard waved, leading you three towards a dark hallway.

The hallway was long, wet and warm. Each door had a small hole that allowed the prisoners to take a peek. Which led you to being cat-called by all types of men: sticking their tongues out, making sexual gestures and cussing at you.

“Ignore them, they’re animals.”, Marcus laughed, turning his head to look at you.

“Oh trust, they’re not bothering me at all.”, you whispered looking at each door that you passed.

After what felt like forever, you Mike and Marcus finally made it to the door at the end of the hallway. Walking in to see several cages inside the room, with a person inside of them. You followed Marcus and Mike as they walked up to a specific cage in the center of the area, in front of a guard’s desk.

“We need your help.”, Mike whispered looking at the guy inside of the cage.

“This must be Armando.”, you thought to yourself. No response, he just looked at Mike with a smirk on his face.An annoyed one at that. You examined as sweat dripped across his forehead and exposed chest. Which allowed his body to glisten.

“What could I possibly help you with?”he asked, annoyingly shifting his eyes from Mike to Marcus. You watched how he was holding on to the poles, revealing the bruises that were on his knuckles. Was he the reason why the alarms were going off earlier?

“I know that you have connections with the Cartel. You were with them.”, Mike continued stepping closer to him, which allowed you to be in Armando’s line of vision. 

You slightly shifted your head towards the guard at the desk, to notice him looking at you guys. He was listening but for what reason?

“She’s with you?”he asked, tilting his head slightly to the side. You quickly turned around to see him looking at you. He was studying your body with his eyes,  shifting the conversation. Which wasn’t needed.

“Look, we can help you if you help us.”, you replied, taking a small step towards the cage.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you, I bite. I’m an “animal” remember.”, he smirked, stroking the beard that was on his face. You felt your breath hitched, which made you reply with silence. He caught on.

“Now how the hell did he hear that.”, Marcus answered in shock looking at you and then back to him.

“I hear everything, I know everything.”, he replied, keeping his eyes on you. 

Marcus was right, you could tell just by the way he is acting that he has a big ass ego just like Mike. You hate guys with egos.

“Plus, what are you? A lawyer?”, he continued walking to the back of the cage, keeping his back towards you.

  “No. I’m a-”

“She’s our partner.”Marcus interrupted, looking at you. You watched as Mike shook his head in agreement. It made you feel good.

“Okay well…what does any of this have to do with me?”

“I thought you “hear everything…know everything”, Marcus mocked.

“Do you need my help or not?”, he said, turning around to sit down.

“We do. Howard is being framed by some heavy people, but we have no clue who.”, Mike explained walking up to the cage.

“We know that you know the Cartel very well, since you were in it. We know that you can help us prove Howard’s innocence.”, Marcus answered, following Mike.

You felt that maybe you should say something but you allowed it to be between them three. You watched as he stared at Marcus and Mike as if he had fallen deep into his thoughts. 

“You want me, the person who killed your friend. To help you guys prove that he is innocent.”, he replied, looking around as if he was trying to find an answer.

“I can do that…but what about me?”, he continued. Now he’s looking at you. Hard. His eyes are dark brown and is searching for an answer. He’s leaning his back against the cage with his hips shifted forward, allowing you to not only see the slight abs that he has while sweat drips down it but the print that is trying to make an appearance. You didn’t respond, you didn’t break eye-contact. You just stared at him because you love to challenge men. Especially the dangerous ones.

“There’s not much I can do for now but I can work on shortening your sentence and having you transported and then afterwards we will see.”, Mike answered, looking at Armando for an answer. 

“I can help but you have to be ready, shit may go down.”, he replied, his breathing picking up speed. You can tell that he didn’t want to do it, you could see it all over his body.  He never once took his eyes off of you, even after answering. 

“Well we got our answer.”, you waved off , breaking the staring-contest that was happening between you and Armando.

“You will hear from us when we-”

“Her.”, he interrupted, pointing right at you. “I want to hear from her, and she will be on the bus when they take me to be transported.”, he demanded. 

“Okay.”, you replied, shrugging your shoulders. You watched as Mike and Marcus quickly turned to you in disagreement.

“Hello no, y/n. Not by yourself.”, Marcus argued, shaking his head. “This man is dangerous.”

“So, I’ll be cuffed on the bus.”, he debated, getting up and walking towards the front of the bars.

“Look, we do what we have to do and whatever will work.”, you answered looking at Marcus then at Mike.

“Plus, nothing will go down. Unless she of course wants something too…I wouldn’t mind.”, he smiled, lifting up his hands.

“She’ll be by herself on the bus, we will meet her at the plane and we ALL will be there while he’s being transported. Together.”Mike confirmed looking at you and then at Marcus and Armando.

You watched as Marcus shook his head and Armando smirked in response. 

“Why does he want me to ride with him?”, you thought.

You watched as Mike's phone went off and stood there looking at him while he answered. It was a short conversation because it led with Mike pulling you and Marcus to the side afterwards.

“Dorn and Kelly have something for us to watch. We need to go meet with them.”, He replied looking around and then looking back at you and Marcus. 

“Well let's go.”, Marcus said heading towards the door.

“Be ready. Y/n and some people will be here to pick you up, once I get everything set up.”, Mike said, looking back at Armando.

“Can’t wait…”, he replied sarcastically, leaning his head against the bars. 

You stared at him for a split second and then headed towards the door when you heard Armando call your name.

“What?”, you asked, turning your head slightly enough to where he can see that he has your attention.

“Don’t be late.”, he flirted. You watched as the red light beamed over him, allowing different silhouettes to occur. You knew that he would have a huge ego but you didn’t know that his looks and personality would match up to it. Mike left his hand out to you, to allow you to walk out the door first while Marcus held it.

You could hear the door locking behind you and the catcalling starting up again as you walked down the hallway.

“Y/n we don’t know Armando that well so try to be careful on the bus.”, Marcus suggested looking at you.

“Most definitely.”, you replied, rubbing your hands across your face. You were now second-guessing the decision that you made, even though you felt that it would be best. Armando wasn’t just some normal guy or killer, he was something serious and far more dangerous than the average ones. 

His looks and his personality didn’t help. You thanked God that you’ve been in the game for a long time because if you were freshly new, he would’ve had you the moment you walked in, especially with his accent and the way he carried himself. His energy is strong.

“I know that he’s not just a regular killer because he damn near killed you guys…If we're going to be honest here. However, I know what I am doing.” you added. 

“Well we trust you because Captain did and we trusted Captain. So let's go see what this video is about.”Mike responded.

You guys made it out of the prison and left. The whole time while you were on the road, you kept thinking about him. The way he looked at you, it wasn't the “undressing you with my eyes”kind of look… It was a different kind of stare, you just didn’t know exactly what. He's on  your mind and so is his voice. 

“This should be interesting.”, you sighed while being consumed by silence.

[despairots]

miles 42 and miles 1610 are twins and fight over reader and try to impress her and stuff

━━━━━━━━ talk about first impressions.

earth1610! miles morales x gn! reader x earth42! miles morales. fluff and warning, there’s some suggestive comments from grown adults. i started this yesterday but im posting once/twice a day until i burn myself out from writing and deleting requests. reader is like peni parker. ignore the description, my brain was idk.

please remember that in my last oneshot, earth 1610 miles will be spiderman and earth 42 miles will be the prowler, the two are vigilantes, keep that in mind. also you’re an anarchist lolsies!!1!1! the spanish translation might not be accurate. leaving this on a cliffhanger too LMFAO. you’re always an anarchist in these oneshots.

where the morales twins can’t help but fall for the technology nerd who can do a lot of things, trying to impress you and gift you stuff in public, and with you, obviously being a talented person, you apparently have a lot of admirers, especially weird, old, strange adults.

you sighed in embarrassment at the two morales twins trying one up eachother with giving gifts to you or impressing you. some people would call you lucky, some would be jealous of you.

being fought over the two most attractive guys in brooklyn vision who may look the same but act like polar opposites is a nightmare.

the two may be extremely smart and artistic but they for sure, had different personalities.

miles morales is smart and passionate, committed to others before himself. he has a lot of love for science and art, which he got from his mother, making inventions since he was younger.

the two are both suckers for music, mixing beats as a hobby with their uncle aaron when they were younger.

miles is sociable around crowds, as even when he struggled to fit in after moving to brooklyn vision, would often start conversations with those he came across on the street.

though many of his acts are selfless, mikes is partly driven by low self-confidence in his own abilities, feeling smaller than he is.

since becoming spiderman, miles is extremely eager to help others. this is as much to his credit as it is to his detriment, as he will often put himself in grave, life-threatening danger, in his quest to protect his friends and those he cares about.

myles morales, on the other hand, may also be smart but he’s closed off only being carefree with you and his twin brother. he also has a lot of love for art, spray painting with his brother.

myles isn’t one to talk, again, he’s closed off and usually upholds a stoic persona, opposed to his brother who doesn’t have a problem showing how passionate and cheerful he is.

with him being the prowler, and technically being labeled as ‘spidermans rival’, ignoring that the prowler is his own being. he had a strong morality of protecting his family and you after his father had died.

to which leads him also going into life-threatening dangers.

“[name], do you have any idea how lucky you? like, i would die to be in your spot!” you rolled your eyes at that sentence, “then do it.” your snark reply made a few people in the hallway snicker.

now back to you, [name] [lastname], the robot-technology-hacking loving nerd that grew with the morales twins and them fighting over you, it’s not something that’s lucky.

that constantly one-upped eachother to gain your attention, to the point they wouldn’t HESITATE to embarrass eachother in front of you along with literally fighting who got the best present for you.

it didn’t help since you liked both of them, i mean, how couldn’t you not like them? they were literally labeled ‘most attractive boys alive’ and their personality didn’t help, why do you think you fell deeply in love?

“i got the best gift-“

“i did!”

your bestfriend, gwen stacy, sneaked her arm around you, “i obviously did.” she gave you a smug looked as you sighed in your hands with embarrassment, remembering the time you two accidentally kissed (more like pecked eachother on the lip).

you two vowed to never talk about that again but since that was two years ago, you guys are all 15 by the way, which you guys were 13 by the time she stole your first kiss.

the morales twins didn’t like that, uhh, next!

“ahora no es el momento, gwen.” you muttered, expressing massive stress from the two and the welcomed gwen, “i — uh, failed spanish.” you made a ‘that’s-the-point-‘ look.

“siempre suenas bien hablando en español.” myles commented, shooing gwen’s arm off your shoulder and throwing his arm over yours instead.

“get apagado de [nombre], myles.” miles rolled his eyes and scoffed at his twin, “at least i get an a+ in spanish.” miles gasped at the comment with offence.

“this is why you’re failing science, estúpido!”

“estoy siendo peleado por gemelos estúpidos.” you pinched the bridge of your nose before sneaking out between the twins quarrel, heading over to foam party.

did i mention that you won awards and was on the news for making a working robot suit and finding out how to time travel?

mutters and comments were heard in the coffee shop, irritating your already bad headache. ‘i hate society.’ you rubbed your temples, before ordering your drink and waited.

apparently those minutes of waiting, you got… weird, suggestive comments from grown adults. your face scrunched up every time they said something about you.

“that shirt really compliments your curves.”

you’re were just 15.

“you’ll find a person just like me.”

they were in their late 30s.

“how ‘bout instead of wasting your pretty little time in this coffee shop, you come to my place.”

you just wanted your coffee.

“can i get your number?”

stop.

“you’re really sexy.”

stop it.

they tried grabbing your hand.

“i’ll treat you better.”

stop it. they tried kissing your hand before someone clocked them in the face, “aren’t you an adult, man?” miles’ voice was heard beside your ear as he tried comforting you.

myles rubbed his knuckles with a grossed look on his face. they saw that they were harassing you as you tried to move away from them, worst thing yet, nobody tried to do anything.

they saw what was happening but didn’t help, god they really hated adults.

“acércate a ellos, y será mucho peor que un puñetazo en la cara.” they ran off, myles grabbed your order as the three of you left. it was quiet, too quiet for your looking.

“i could’ve handled that y’know—“ miles handed you a box, opening it to which showed a necklace with a charm that was your hacker logo. you could feel the myles’ eye twitched.

“remember i got [name] a car—“

“shut the hell up, man!”

[name] after the morales twins keep giving them money and gifts.

[verstappentime]

haven't shared anything new in a bit so here's the start of a maxiel bit where max was actually just hormonal in hungary and that's why he was cranky.

(tw: there's like a brief description of max puking here, apologies.)

max has to tell medical, because he’s afraid if something is really wrong, he might bleed out or something.

the medic says he’s fine, presses all over his abdomen and checks for tenderness and all that. they suggest he go to a real doctor, and tell him deciding to race was really stupid. he snaps something about how he knows that, thanks.

he’e still shaking when he walks back, has been since GP told him he crashed hard enough to alert medical.

he can’t pay attention to the debrief, can only think about the little app on his phone telling him the baby is the size of a tadpole or whatever. he thinks it would make him feel better to look at it, to remember how much cushioning they have in there, but he hasn’t got his phone back yet.

they keep asking him questions; he just nods or shakes his head, all of that simmering anger from before gone as fast as it came. just fucking hormones again, probably.

he has to leave the debrief to go throw up. he’s almost too late realizing the anxiety has turned into real illness.

he nearly knocks his chair over, pressing a hand to his chest like he can stem the burning as he fumbles to get out of the room. it always starts with a roll of nausea, then acid reflux, then. yeah.

he’s managed to go the whole day, the whole race, thank god, without this happening. he probably should have appreciated it more while he could, because he’s currently regurgitating all the water he had after the race and cold sweating and he might as well die here.

he’s embarrassed enough by the whole fucking day, by how mad he got at GP, at how the things he said must have cut hannah. and now he’s– now this is happening, and someone is probably going to come look for him, because he made it obvious what was happening. or, worse, tell daniel to look for him, and then he’ll have to make up some dumb story and get caught, because he’s an awful liar.

there’s a knock on the door. “max.” it’s brad, not daniel. at least he’s won something.

he coughs, chest heaving. the worst of it may be over. “present,” he says, voice scratchy. his throat is starting to get raw after the past week of what he is really trying not to let himself call morning sickness, because he’s in denial, which is fine as long as he’s self-aware about it, and also because it’s not just the morning, just whatever fucking time his body decides it will be.

“can i open the door? i have gatorade for you.”

“yeah, go ahead.” he really doesn’t want anyone to see him sitting on the fucking bathroom floor, but his head is throbbing now, and he’s really not trying to make anything worse.

brad doesn’t look phased, at least. he crouches down and hands max an orange gatorade. he’s got two more tucked under his arm. “you look rough, man.”

max a tiny sip. he’s glad it’s something with sugar. water tastes fucking awful the past few days. “thanks,” he mumbles.

“you looked bad yesterday, too,” brad says, conversational.

he knows he did. he was nauseous and moody and exhausted. he yelled at GP about the fucking rain. “thank you for the concern.”

brad rolls his eyes and points to the gatorade, “drink the rest of that. how dehydrated do you feel?”

“i’ll drink it.” max rubs his forehead. he doesn’t want an IV or anything. they made him do that last time he was sick after a race. he takes a long sip; it actually tastes alright. “see? i’m drinking it.”

brad gives him a look, like i’m watching you. “going to tell me what’s going on?”

max closes his eyes, letting the back of his head thunk against the wall. he doesn’t know why he can’t be one of those people with no symptoms. he hasn’t told anyone, didn’t want to until he made it through this weekend. he wanted to tell victoria first, cry down the phone and let her tell him what to do. fuck.

“what does it look like?” it doesn’t even sound mean. he’s too tired to make it mean, and his voice cracks, even though he really, really didn’t want it to. “could you just– can you get daniel, actually?”

[piracytheorist]

Season Finale, woe is me T_T

Where did time go. It feels like yesterday that the first trailer for the season dropped.

AND THIS EPISODE DARES START WITH YOR HUMMING THE LULLABY

How dare they. Did I ask to be emotionally destroyed like this Yes I did

Bond is so happy to go for a walk with Loid! And Loid isn't exactly reserved with petting his huge dog is he.

I love how heartbroken Bond was over Anya saying she wasn't coming. He even looked back at her as Loid walked him to the exit.

It actually impresses me that Loid is training Bond right out in public, talking to him about where to bite and how much to make sure the target doesn't get too injured. I guess he doesn't expect the SSS to frequent a dog park?

I love the little pat Loid did on his leg to call Bond back. And then of course pet his head :)

Poor Franky's putting up with so much from Twilight, and he doesn't have to. I hope Twilight appreciates that at some point. I'm sure he hasn't developed feelings just for his family.

Sweet cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

Franky talks about how Bond may have associated training with his trauma from getting experimented on, and it sounds like brand new info to Twilight. I guess, despite how much his spy training has scarred him, Twilight has a hard time connecting "having bad memories about something" with "not wanting to engage with that something". After all, he'd spent who knows how long telling himself that he hated children because they're incomprehensible to him, and not because children crying reminded him of his own desperate times. After all, it's easier to do his job and keep training hard if he refuses to accept how soul-crushing that job is, right?

Damn, I got sad again. Because I imagine post-reveal Loid and Yor asking Anya why she chose them, and she says that she thought they were cool, and Loid has a RealizationTM that no he's actually very messed up and it's very sad that this little girl imagined that this devastating way of life could actually look cool to someone from the outside.

Not to worry, there's more angst I'll pull out of nowhere down the road!

Franky calling Loid out for not knowing how to relax and have fun >>>>

I love how after Franky left, Loid and Bond looked at each other like idiots. Old habits die hard, and an entire cruise of Loid trying to relax and have fun wouldn't be enough to break them, I guess XD

She's like "If I can't get real stars might as well fake some" Poor Yor continuing to clap happily even while Anya's origami star fell from her chest XD it taught her how to properly apply tape I guess, for later...

Pretty much everyone around them is wearing winter clothes, even Loid is wearing a turtleneck and a heavy coat. Why are those children in such light clothes eating ice cream? The boy on the left we even see later is wearing shorts

Guess an ice cream was an easy kind of snack for a kid to feel bad about dropping XD

Sweet Bond! He's imagining Loid praising him and telling him he's glad they adopted him, and all while Bond is wagging his tail 😭😭

This family is just four lonely creatures desperate to be wanted (even if Twilight is very far from accepting that) aren't they ;_;

Ice cream goes RIP and Bond has his (probably) first experience of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look at him he's so 🥺

Later in the episode, Twilight goes all strict with himself for a laugh. Here though, he actually expresses distress and guilt for Bond ruining the kid's ice cream. He could have gone for a simple "I'll buy you a new one" without showing that much emotion in his expression and voice. In the manga he even has a typical "cold sweat lines" expression.

Or however you call that.

I don't know, maybe it circles back to any "starving war orphan" trauma he may be trying to tell himself he doesn't have...

I'm just saying, he was very expressive here, and he didn't have to. It wasn't a conscious choice.

Bond is really such a good boy. Every time he acts on his visions is to help someone else. From something as trivial as dropping a snack to something as important as saving someone's life, whether they're a kid, an old man, or a puppy, Bond is truly a very empathetic and caring creature.

However, the silly music playing over the vision of the old man getting hit was... a choice XD

Yet another example of the anime putting details to help the narrative: the old man is hunched, making him short enough that the corner of the wall/fence to his side is actually covering him. Which makes the biker not seeing him make sense, since he was behind the fence and appeared at the last second.

I actually felt shivers with the tone Twilight used here. Bond's behaviour is making no sense and is actually a first.

But also, Bond is probably only now realizing that unlike Anya, Loid cannot read his mind and cannot see his good intentions. He knows Anya would jump for joy for what he did, but since two of his efforts to help were met with reprimands, he's hesitant to try again because his trauma rears its ugly head and he fears he'll get kicked out. He probably doesn't understand that Loid doesn't know anything about his special powers, and so he can't let Loid's reprimands pass by him unaffected.

It's a bit similar to how he probably connects bad food with bad intentions, and thus fears that Yor will be mean to him, since she makes such horrible meals.

And so he allows the woman to get bird poop on her, but he jumps to action when he realizes someone's life may be in danger of the fire.

And first, I know we talk about how strong Yor is, but can we for a moment talk about how Loid held back this absolute beast of a dog?

Like, Loid allowed him to carry him around twice, but when he felt things got serious, he actually had no issue holding him back. It was only when Bond looked legitimately scary that he let go.

And that was... a shock. Have we ever seen Twilight like that before? Cause he genuinely looks like he hesitated out of fear... and maybe realizing that no, this time Bond is actually dead serious.

Bond probably didn't know what he would be looking for once he stepped inside the burning building. I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one who thought that that "Daisy" was a child... but maybe Bond is more attuned to scents of other dogs, especially little ones that need help, so he could find the puppy amidst all the burning smells.

Badass Loid saving his doggo!

Loid doesn't hesitate to run in after him, either. Even the idea that Bond could be rescuing someone is enough for him to take that risk. I love how, after two attempts of what Loid thought was Bond attacking innocent people, he still believes Bond would have a good reason to run into a burning building and runs after him to help.

I mean, you also ran into that building to save your - for all you know, disobedient - dog, so maybe it's the pot calling the kettle black XD

How sweet is he, though. He really doesn't believe in reprimanding someone after the fact - Bond running into fire was dangerous, but it helped save an innocent life... and Twilight's priorities are very clearly shown in that reaction!

I love how man saves dog, dog saves man, and then Twilight is like "Wow your nose is incredible" because of course he can't think of another explanation, and Bond's affirmative borf there sounds like "Yeah sure, buddy. It's my "nose" alright."

Even though it's only Bond with him, Twilight uses "Twilight voice" as he assesses the situation, and "Loid voice" when he talks to Bond. Is this him putting on a mask... or feeling a little more comfortable around Bond?

I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT

That was so badass! But then!

Miserable creature

Exactly how much water was in that bucket to make Bond's entire massive fur soaking wet XD

This is both so wholesome and, me being me, so fucking heartbreaking at the same time. Like, the other guy let himself laugh his heart out at how Bond looked, but Twilight barely allowed a single sound out of his mouth that he couldn't control. And again, angst is my wont, so it really ruins me that he's not even letting himself laugh over something ridiculous, because he can't let his emotions show... even if it would be totally understandable for him to laugh at that moment.

I mean, as I said, he showed genuine distress when Bond caused the boy to drop his ice cream, but he stopped himself from laughing even when the other guy next to him was laughing too. As in, he allows negative expressions when it's appropriate, but not positive even when it's appropriate and understandable.

I mean, he has been smiling at his family and looking at Yor like the besotted simp he is... but he doesn't realize just how much of his real feelings pour through his face, exactly because he hasn't realized said feelings. Wet Bond was a much clearer example of something funny, so he knew that laughing would be a loss of control...

Anyway what I'm saying is it's sad. He shouldn't feel he has to repress his own laugh like that.

Kinda sad the anime omitted this still-trying-not-to-laugh expression Loid has as he sees Bond sniff around.

Bond's voice adafhgdsfdgfdgd

Arsonist guy is watching sneakily from a corner while wearing a hat that has "Fire" written on it.

Dude couldn't have been more suspicious if he tried.

Pretty sick how he got even more excited at the idea of someone dying from the fire, when he heard the woman say how Daisy was still trapped inside.

Vigilante Bond! Arsonist guy takes out his knife and tells Bond to not be disrespectful of humans and my dude you're the one setting people's lives at risk and having a blast about it

We haven't seen Twilight in such action in a while, have we! Ngl it was kinda, uhm... 😳😳

LOOK AT HIM! So proud of his doggo 😭😭

He then says how it would be bad if either of them were in the news... and you're reminded that this is fictional but still pretty accurate 60s-70s so Twilight has really avoided getting any picture of him published. But also Bond could indeed be recognized by any of the scientists... and it's actually sweet how Twilight cares for Bond's secret not getting out. He helped Bond with his "revenge" and now he's acting to protect him from getting targeted again.

I love how Bond fears he'll get reprimanded for biting the arsonist's leg and not arm... when in the beginning Twilight very clearly said he can bite either a leg or an arm XD

BUT THEN

He tells Bond how "someone" will be sad if anything happens to him (Bond), (and we get a sweet af montage of Anya and Bond having fun together), how Bond is first and foremost a part of the family, how his working duties should come second and he should look after himself...

Oh it's gonna hit him like a brick wall when he realizes the exact same things apply to him 😭

SHUT UP AND LET THE BESTEST BOI LOVE YOU 😭

He's not gonna tell anyone, promise 🥺

And he ends with a promise to go to the dog park the next day so that Bond can have some long overdue fun. Yeah definitely a very detached, cool-headed spy who only cares about the mission not destabilizing. Sure.

The anime did offer us some extra stuff, though!

I love one (1) gremlin

I actually saw it as a knife, too XD

I love her.

I fully expected to see the paper puppets (or whatever you call those) fall apart like Yor's victims' bodies do XD I was not disappointed XD

Anya is still working on accepting that her mother is not very capable of not sprinkling "murder" on anything in her life XD

Loid isn't wearing his coat when they return...

I am amazed that they've had Bond for, how many months has it been now? And yet neither Loid nor Anya had ever seen him wet.

Anyway, Loid appeared back without his coat because his excuse was that someone had sprayed water all over them, so he took it off XD

But where is his coat even XD

Her heroes!

And of course Loid doesn't know Anya knows about the puppy rescue, so he's not that affected by the "Stella" and is instead going like "Yo but could you get going with earning those stars already". He's not used to getting recognition for his hard work and he's not about to start... yet...

The closing montage was so sweet! Especially with the holidays around the corner, it was very fitting to see the children having fun and relaxing, Yuri being very NormalTM, Nightfall and Franky having dreams for the future, and the Forger family having their celebrating dinner!

I love them so much.

And thus, the season has ended, and this anime only will start wondering how her Saturdays will pass from now on :')

I am thinking of doing more crack recaps, finishing my character screen time project, and probably starting on some fics... but for a very specific reason, the completion of those will have to wait until the next season ;)

This was a wonderful season! I may have rewatched every episode almost three times, but I do wanna do a "recap" full rewatch of the season at some point, and share my overall thoughts. I certainly have a lot of time on my hands for that XD

[blackenedsnow]

Heya! Same person who requested the Ace!Reader x Arthur Morgan thing! Thank you so so much! Made me super super happy and I may or may not have cried a little bit lmao

Feel free to ignore this other bit of the ask. I don’t know if one can send a request more than once, but obviously I’m not expecting this to be written with all the other people sending in asks. They take priority. I was just wondering if you could write something about the same kind of reader, but with Kieran? Where she’s always defended and protected him, fed him well when he was tied to the tree, got him a tent and a cot and everything, and fussed over him in general, at first just because she’s not okay with that sort of treatment but develops actual feelings for him, and she rescues him from the O’Driscoll boys when he disappeared?

Again, feel free to ignore this. The important bit is that I felt more reassurance than I have in a while with the Arthur request. Thank you again! Have a lovely day/night!

soft hands

WARNING: Kidnapping, mentions of mistreatment

PAIRING: Kieran Duffy x Reader

NOTE: I’m so happy the Arthur fic meant so much to you! Seriously, feel free to send in as many requests as you want. (As long as you don't spam my inbox all at once lol) It’s never a problem, and I love creating these for you! You’re always welcome here.💙

SUMMARY: After weeks of caring for Kieran, you realize your feelings for him go deeper than simple kindness. When he goes missing, you risk everything to bring him back.

Kieran whimpered as the ropes bit into his wrists. The thick cord twisted around the bark of the tree where Dutch had ordered him tied up like some animal. He’d been with the gang for what felt like a while now, but they still looked at him like he was some kind of vermin. Except you. You always did what you could to help him, offering him scraps of food when no one was looking, defending him when Bill or Micah got too rough.

You couldn’t stand the way they treated him.

It wasn’t as though Kieran had exactly "chosen" to be with the O’Driscolls. It was a "ride with us" or die situation, and you believed him with all your heart. You didn’t believe in this kind of cruelty, and seeing him tied to that tree, looking half-starved and terrified, set your teeth on edge. So, from the moment he’d been captured, you had taken it upon yourself to keep an eye on him.

It started small—handing him extra food when you were sure no one would notice. Then, you’d convinced Dutch and Hosea to get him a tent and a cot so he wasn’t left exposed to the elements like some animal. When you finally got them to untie him, you’d gone out of your way to make sure he wasn’t harassed by the others. You didn’t know why it bothered you so much at first. Maybe it was just your natural instinct to look after people, to keep them safe.

But over time, something changed.

You started to notice the way Kieran would blush when you brought him food, or the way he’d glance up at you with those soft, grateful eyes. And it wasn’t long before you realized that your need to protect him went beyond just being kind-hearted. You had feelings for him, feelings that snuck up on you when you weren’t looking.

It was a cold morning when you realized something was wrong. Kieran hadn’t been seen since the night before, and no one seemed to care.

“Have you seen Kieran?” you asked Arthur, who was busy cleaning his rifle. He barely spared you a glance.

“Haven’t seen him since yesterday,” he said. “Why? You worried about him?”

You frowned, a knot of anxiety twisting in your chest. “You sure he’s alright?”

Arthur sighed, wiping down the barrel of his gun. “I don’t know. If he’s smart, he ain’t runnin’.”

You didn’t like that answer. Something in your gut told you that Kieran hadn’t run off. He wasn’t the type to just leave—especially not after everything. You trusted him more than anyone in the gang did, and the idea of him disappearing without a word didn’t sit right with you.

“I’m going to go look for him,” you said, already heading for your horse. Arthur called after you, but you didn’t stop.

The ride was long and cold, your mind racing with worst-case scenarios. You knew that if Kieran had been taken by the O’Driscolls, it wouldn’t be good. They had no love for traitors. Every second that passed without finding him made your heart pound harder. You pushed your horse faster, determined to bring him back safely.

After hours of searching, you finally stumbled upon an old O’Driscoll camp hidden deep in the woods. You dismounted, creeping quietly through the trees. There were three men sitting around a fire, and off to the side, tied to a post, was Kieran.

Your heart dropped at the sight of him. He was slumped over, his face bloodied, his wrists bound tight behind his back. They’d beaten him.

You had to get him out of there.

Drawing your gun, you crept closer, your boots making barely a sound on the damp earth. You watched the O’Driscolls carefully, waiting for the right moment to strike. When one of them stood and moved away from the fire, you seized the opportunity. Taking out the closest man with a quick knife to the neck, you rushed forward, catching the other off-guard before he could react.

The third man tried to pull his gun, but you were faster, a clean shot to his chest sending him crumpling to the ground.

With the camp quiet, you hurried over to Kieran, dropping to your knees beside him. “Kieran? It’s me. You’re safe now.”

He flinched at your touch, still out of it from the beating. When he finally recognized you, a sob caught in his throat. “Y-You came for me…”

“Of course I did,” you whispered, cutting through the ropes binding his wrists. “I’m not leaving you here.”

Once free, Kieran slumped against you, too weak to stand. His body trembled, and you couldn’t tell if it was from fear or exhaustion. Probably both. You wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close as you helped him to his feet. He leaned heavily on you as you led him to your horse.

“Come on, let’s get you back to the camp,” you said softly, hoisting him onto the saddle before climbing up behind him.

The ride back to camp was slow and quiet, with Kieran resting against you, his head lolling against your shoulder.

Back at camp, you made sure Kieran was properly cared for. You fussed over him like you always did, making sure he had a warm meal and all that stuff.

“I don’t deserve this,” Kieran mumbled one night as you were tending to the bruises on his face. “I don’t deserve you.”

You stopped, looking at him with soft eyes. “That’s not true, Kieran. You deserve someone who cares about you.”

He blinked up at you, his expression raw and vulnerable. “But why? After everything… why do you care so much?”

You hesitated, your heart thudding in your chest. You’d been wrestling with your feelings for weeks now, and hearing him ask that question made it all come crashing down.

“Because…” You set the cloth aside, your hand resting gently on his cheek. “Because.. I don't know. I just care about you. More than I probably should.”

His eyes widened, a faint blush creeping up his neck. “Y-You mean that?”

You nodded, your heart pounding in your ears. “I do.”

For a long moment, neither of you spoke. Then, slowly, Kieran’s hand reached up to cover yours, his fingers trembling slightly.

“Thank you, I… I care about you too.” he replied.

It wasn’t a grand confession, but it didn’t need to be. You already knew. You’d known for a while now.

[solusminds]

⚠️⚠️TW: Mentions of School Shootings and Threats of School Shootings⚠️⚠️

I'm so sick and tired of being afraid to go to school. Just got told that there was a threat to shoot up my school.

Literally yesterday, we had a walkout because on the 20th last month a kid HAD A GUN AND BROUGHT IT TO SCHOOL after threatening another kid at the bus and threatening to shoot up the school, and nobody did shit till 6th because his teacher noticed it. The administration knew as the kid who was originally threatened called them. We didn't go into a Lockdown, no teachers, students, or parents were informed about the fact a kid brought a GUN to school. He was in the assembly WITH the gun. He could've shot it up right then and there and killed everyone. Thank God he didn't.

We didn't go into a Lockdown because, and I quote, "We would be in the Lockdown for 3 hours", would it be so hard to just put us in it rather than let this kid walk around with a LOADED GUN for hours in our school!? Someone could've died, I could've died, my friends, brother, teachers, classmates, WE could've died.

It's not "just high schoolers" here. We have literally babies and small children at my school, 0-8yrs old, right next to the office. It wasn't just us high schoolers, who, may I remind you, are STILL children(14-18yrs), in danger. Those babies were in danger, too.

That 6th period teacher who had the kid, and all of the kid's other teachers, could've been in their death room, the students could've been walking in their death, for what? A 3 hour Lockdown? How little does our lives mean to you?

My mom could've had one or both her children come home in body bags in an instant, I could've lost friends in the blink of an eye.

And the administration won't do shit because they don't give a fuck about me, my classmates, or the staff. They're going to end up being the reason we die, and that's not an "if" but a "when" because of how they handled the 20th.

Ever since 6th grade, I have been afraid to go to school because what happens if I never come home? I've had to map out my school for places to hide just in case a Lockdown happens when I'm in the halls or someone starts shooting and I need to hide. No middle schooler should have to do that. In Freshman year me and my friend and I came up with a plan to defend ourselves just in case a shooter came into our class just on the off chance we can momentarily give ourselves time to get out. That's ridiculous. I'm now a Senior in high school, and that fear I had as a 6th grader is just as big, if not more, now that I'm a 12th grader.

This is unfair.

[trentslocss]

Happy as ever pt.2 -TAA

Pairing: Reader x Dad!Trent Alexander Arnold

Warnings: None. As fluffy as fluff can be.

Plot: Your daughter comes to his game for the first time! Virgil is a good captain so he gives Trent the band so your daughter could brag even more:)

masterlist

—————————————————————

As soon as your daughter learned how to walk a ball was between her feet. You of course, expected nothing less from her father. She was the miniature and female version of him in every single way, so this was something you accepted before it even happened.

Tina was 5 years old now and started football practice which she was very proud of. Every time she saw one of Trent’s teammates she would go on and on about how she loves her uncles, but her dad is better than them, and she of course took after him (the sassiness also came from we know who).

Even though she loved football in general and adored watching her dad play, you have never taken her to Anfield. She was still small and both you and Trent thought it was too loud and too much for her to handle. But as she was growing older she has become more stubborn than the both of you together (that may have come from you, but you would never admit that in front of your husband).

“Mommy I wanna go see daddy playyy! Let’s go pleeeeeeeeease.” your daughter begged as you sat on the couch with Trent, but you didn’t listen to her. She couldn’t get everything she wanted, at least that’s what you were trying to teach her. But when she moved into Trent’s view, and shone him those puppy dog eyes, he couldn’t resist. “Y/N maybe we could let her go once…” he whispered so only you could hear and see. The truth is you wanted to take her, you were just scared something could happen and you didn’t want her to associate her father’s career and his whole life with something bad. You couldn’t let that happen.

After some negotiating, begging, persuading and a lot of puppy dog eyes pointed to your better half, you both agreed to let her go with you. “Yesss. We’ll crash stinky United, right daddy” she yelled proudly, and Trent looked at you with a face that said ‘I never taught her that’, but you knew he was lying. You had already heard their secret conversations about United way too many times.

—————————————————————

Game day came too soon. You had woken up that morning from the sound of a falling object. As you walked into your bathroom with groggy eyes you saw your husband braiding your daughter’s hair, hair brushes and bands falling to the floor one after the other. “You gotta have a pretty hairstyle for the game princess. Everyone has to know I have the prettiest daughter in all of Liverpool” he said to her while tying her last braid as she giggled, looking at you through the mirror. You smiled at them, looking at their identical features which always made you melt.

Anfield was packed with supporters as you entered the family and friends section of the red and white stands with your daughter in your arms. You were both wearing Trent’s jerseys, but Tina insisted on wearing the whole kit (including the boots!) so she could show off to people about how she also played football like her daddy.

As the players started emerging on the green field, Trent waved in your direction, making Tina ecstatic “That’s my dad! He’s the captain! Wave back to him!” She said to Andy and Virgil’s wives which made them die out of laughter.

When the first ball was in the goal, your daughter was jumping up and down, singing along to the fans’ songs and hugging you. “My dad assisted uncle Salah, just like I did on my game yesterday!!!!”

Trent had another assist in the record. He had been in many goal chances, but he didn’t score. “Come on dad I know you can score. Teach those bastards how it’s done” She yelled making absolutely everyone laugh, except for you, you would have to have a talk with Trent about swear words in front of the kid.

It was the 89th minute, Liverpool was sure to win it. While everyone was happy with the result and already singing about winning the game, Tina was still tense and focused. She knew he could do it, and he did.

“THAT’S MY DAD! THE ONE WHO SCORED!” she ran to the edge, screaming as Trent pointed at her and showed a heart, everyone jumping on him and the whole stadium cheering him on.

—————————————————————

“Daddy!” your daughter jumped on Trent as you passed the tunnel, hugging him tighter than she ever did. “I knew you could do it, I kept telling mommy you would score! And you did!” Trent giggled as he kissed her cheek, putting her down and taking her hand. “Did you like the game?” he asked, walking down to you and kissing your cheek too. She would usually say eww and separate you two, but she was too invested in commenting the game to care. “Oh dad I loved it! The goal was phenomenal!”

As you were getting ready to go home, she found another victim, Virgil. “Uncle Virg did you know I’m also captain? Just like my dad?” “Oh really? Must mean you’re a great player then” he giggled and tickled her a bit. “Yeah! One day I’m gonna play for Liverpool, just like dad, and I’m gonna break those asses from United just like he did today!”

“Seriously Trent stop swearing around the kid!”

[waywardsunlight]

Compiling all of the canon evidence about Caleb because I noticed sources are getting muddled. Below the cut is all the canon info I could find with the episodes and who said it/ where it came from.

Caleb was alone as a child raising his little brother, at some point they moved from an unknown location to Gravesfield (Masha, TTT). The two of them played a witch hunter game where they dressed up in costumes. We see Caleb playing a witch, stepping in a trap Philip set. They also churned butter together and Caleb whittled Philip's mask in Gravesfield. (Portraits, Hollow Mind) Caleb met Evelyn at an unknown point, and bonded over birds, where she was disguised as a human. (Dana Terrace) Later, as a teen, Caleb and still child Philip went on a witch hunt. They found Evelyn in the woods (may or may not be related to witch hunt) and discovered she was a witch. Caleb was accepting of her and the duo began traveling back and forth between Gravesfield and the Boiling Isles, developing a secret code to travel, leaving Philip behind from his perspective. (Portraits/ cut portrait, Hollow Mind. Masha, TTT). As an adult, Caleb cut his hair. (Statue, Yesterday's Lie) At an unknown time, he acquired the cabin near the Noceda house. He had his (implied in KT/TTT) blue coat embroidered with the symbol of a bird in a cage, and this coat became Philip's at an unknown point in time. (King's Tide/TTT) Caleb or Evelyn also hid the Rebus Box under the floorboards and created said Rebus and hid the Titan's blood near the portal with an owl stopper. (TTT) At some point, as Caleb and Philip were adults, a fire started at the current day historical society and Caleb + Evelyn vanished. Philip followed after, leaving a diary behind which was used to understand the situation by the townspeople (Jacob, Yesterday's Lie. Masha, Storyboard for TTT, considering canon as complacent). Philip states that it takes him five years to find the Titan's blood and in the image he is growing a beard (Eclipse Lake). He has a medium length beard when he confronts Caleb and Evelyn first in his beast form, transforming back when Caleb hugs him. At this point, Evelyn is pregnant with a child and she and Caleb are holding hands. A later shot shows Philip holding a knife behind his back as Caleb smiles and Evelyn is turned away. Philip is wearing the blue coat. At a later point, Caleb has his hands up, holding a flat edged knife looking worried as Philip walks to the right. Caleb is on the ground with flames around him, and those flames die down as he dies. Philip sees himself in the reflection of the dagger with blood on it. Evelyn returns and uses a gold magic, hitting Philip as he runs away. (Portraits, Hollow Mind) At an unknown point, Philip obtains Caleb's remains and begins several failed grimwalker experiments until the episode Elsewhere and Elsewhen where he meets the Collector.

Missing/fragment evidence: Philip and Caleb are missing information for most of their adulthood, and Evelyn has extremely scare information. A mural in Belos's castle representing wild witches burning a town resembles Eda with short hair in a green dress and a blonde witch with rounder ears, likely Evelyn and her daughter. (Watching and Dreaming) The blue coat has never been proven to belong to Caleb, other than Masha using a similar blue coat in TTT and Belos's sensitivity to the coat being mentioned/ him always wearing it. There is no canon explanation as to how Caleb ended up alone with Philip, where their parents are, or how they got the cabin. It is unknown if Philip confronting Caleb in his beast form and Caleb's murder happened at the same time or on different days, or where Flapjack or Evelyn is for the murder (although she returns from the right, the same direction Philip was facing with the knife) (Hollow Mind). Flapjack has limited information but is likely Evelyn's bird (Dana Terrace). Caleb was a whittler and may have carved Palismen, as that later becomes the family business of the Clawthornes, and Evelyn is a Clawthorne. However this isn't provably canon.

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. PART TWO,

HERE IS A LINK TO THE FIRST HALF!!!

JUST WANT TO FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE (I'll stop all caps soon) THESE MOTHER FUCKING ANGELS!!!!

As well as this talented Mother fucker, Artist Jack Kirby who helped create X-men

with this literally Angel,

After being inspired by the Civil Rights movement. Particularly Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X, which absolutely shows. Especially when you watch the 1992 Animated series, pleased do, which I am at the moment.

ssss

So...on to this grumpy bestest boy

He lived through so much pain, snarky little fuckable fuck. However, he never let it make him cruel, he did the right thing, even if it pissed him off. And didn't deserve to die in Logan, nor did Charles especially as he did.

Which really quick, Ian McKellen made a off handed quip about wanting to know why he wasn't in the film. And I demand to know why as well, Magneto was pure sass and spite, he would not go gently into that good night. And even if he did, we deserved to see it, even if it destroyed us. Even though it wouldn't have made sense because, he is able to beat that alleged cure but, not this virus? Which makes me question, if Charles was still capable of those long lucid moments, why not transfer himself into a new body like before? Also most importantly, picture Logan during that dinner scene, addressing them as his two dads. Erik squirming socializing with ...Homo Sapiens, having to content with the faults in his crusade.

Anyway then I saw, Deadpool and Wolverine, please go see it!!!!! The very end with the delightful complication of the original Franchise, wrecked me emotionally and at first I didn't understand. To Understand that beyond the crushing heart ache I associate with nostalgia, as opposed to contentment as it should. And started the long process about a week of asking myself why?

Which resulted in the essay, you hopefully didn't suffer too much through before and I just had to get it all out. Which is why there are so many grammatical errors, never been my strong suite.

Also Marvel Jesus' journey of self worth and Ryan Reynolds seeing that motherfucker as the wonderful man that he is

Seriously going to make a list of all the amazing things he has done

, showing that what never fails in good old fashion story telling ands opposed to money grubbing. That movie

That is how you give the people what they ACTUALLY WANT and more importantly what they ACTUALLY NEED. Imagine what would've happened if Disney let them do what ever he wanted,

Aside from Wolverine never putting his greasy tits away. Seriously hate myself when I get feral for him, because Hugh Jackman has the sweetest face and I hate myself.

Thank you and Goodnight....

I need to eat before I post Some funny ass, at least too me, Deadpool shit I just thought of

REMEBER.....

 IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPINESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

[yuseirra]

Onk spoilers*****

I had people contact me about 159 and GUYS...you have to trust this guy who Ai's loved with all her heart. Think about the songs...he doesn't regard his own life very high. He'd do ANYTHING, he'd lie with all his might, he's a liar... If that means he can bring her back. That's what he's trying to do and Aqua is there trying to prevent him from doing so.

Hehe more in the read more: I will have to see the actual chapter in full but here's what I think from what I picked up:

And it really DOES seem like.. Kamiki didn't play a part in Ai's murder. It REALLY was nino and ryosuke and they were the ones who collaborated. This means, Kamiki really could have just had the address slip out by pure mistake and that had a butterfly effect, making him feel guilty about everything. I honestly wouldn't take it any other way if I were to ship Ai and him together and I'd been drawing things all along with that as the basis. He's just like Aqua who's trapped in guilt for things he isn't so responsible for.

Yesterday I wrote a soft, tender and melancholic post as an analysis and what I picked up today (I honestly still have no clear idea of what the heck is going on lol, I could vaguely make out the words people tell me-I may be missing out BIG chunks and I NEED to see the facial expressions and stuff) made me burst out laughing, it's ridiculous and hilarious, even.. But it does make sense if it's this way.

The fact that Ai wants to HELP him and how Aqua mentions he has to HELP him now all connects so nicely together. I think there IS a reason why there were scenes where Kamiki called himself a liar as a child. He's still lying, but this time, as the bad guy who deserves to die because he doesn't want anyone to worry or care about him at all. He's really good at it in a meta sense, I bet people are going wild anticipating him as the true villian and the final boss but think about it, what is there for him to even lie about?? The lie, I think, is the fact that he told Aqua he's a psychopathic murderer who tried to scare Ai for having dumped him, leading to her death. He didn't do any of it, and only said those because he wanted to be avenged.. He can't forgive himself for having caused Ai to be attacked even if it's not really his fault. He doesn't want his children to feel bad about getting back at him for it. Aqua's saying he's insane for lying about stuff like this for this reason to his OWN SON.

Aqua should not approach Kamiki like this if he's the guy that's hurt Ai. He's weirdly lenient with him. And he says he's going to help him. You can't "help" a terrible murderer, especially the one that's killed your lovely mother.

As someone who's been drawing the hikaai ship w passion, I have a responsibility to grab kamiki by the collar and kick his butt really strong if he turns out to be a maniac 😊 no worries. But I don't think it's going to be that way, actually. He's lying in desperation because he's found Ai really loved him back; he can really cross lines now if it means she'll live. He wants to die in her place, that's what I'm guessing. He's really similar to aqua in some aspects. He's okay about being regarded as a terrible person as long as he can protect the ones he loves.

This is perfect in my opinion. If it goes in the direction I anticipate, it makes full sense. There must be some way to exchange a life for another. Kamiki wants to go through with it for Ai but Ai stops him with the help of her children even beyond death.

And you know what? I was beginning to think wait.. Did nino and ryosuke date? After the latest chapter but I didn' t write that because there was no solid basis but like, that turned out to be true,

I'm... Starting to get really confident about character analyses when it comes to this comic, everything escalates SO FAST and I can't predict what actions they take, but I feel like I can sense what kind of emotions they have when they do something.

So if this isn't it, I'll be. Then I'll actually feel more relaxed since I'll be able to watch without getting so attached to what they will be feeling, it'd be unpredictable for me and I'll just watch it for pure entertainment, there won't be any more analysis I make that will...be right.

I'll still be glad I've read this even if it ends up like that, though, it's made me think about a lot of things. I really come to love Ai so much as a character, and from what I see, everything will be as she wishes in the story of onk in the very end. I'd like to see it happen and I will root for it!

[unseededtoast]

Turtle Doves | Joel Miller

Epilogue

Chapter Directory

Series Summary: In which two broken souls connect so deeply, that if one should perish, the other would surely die of a broken heart. (slow burn, timeline changes. After TLOU1, before TLOU2, assumed knowledge of infected, uses elements from both show and game)

Series Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, and sexual content.

Also cross posted on my Wattpad and AO3, if you prefer those formats. Here is a link to my masterlist for everything else I’ve posted.

I hear the cooing of turtle doves in the trees above us.

Rustling bedsheets bring me out of a deep sleep, and the sunlight shining through the window is enough to let me know I've probably slept in just a little too long.

Beside me, I feel Joel move around until his arm finally wraps around my waist and he pulls me close. No matter how many mornings begin this same way, I'll never get tired of it.

I get cozy in his arms and the two of us lay there in a peaceful silence, both of us waking up at a slow pace. Joel just got back from a security patrol yesterday after a week, so it's all the more reason to prolong starting the day.

He presses a kiss to the back of my head and his hand traces the curve of my waist.

"Missed you." He whispers, voice thick with sleep.

"I missed you more." I answer with a small smile on my face.

"Now we've been over this before, that's just not possible." I can practically hear the smile in his voice and turn around to face him.

Joel's big brown eyes look back into mine, the sunlight reflecting the small flecks of gold around his pupils. As he smiles, thin lines beside his eyes become more pronounced. I reach a hand up and brush my thumb against his cheekbone, and he leans into my touch.

"How'd it go?" I ask, curious as to how his patrol went with Tommy.

"It was uneventful if that's what you're worried about." He sees through my question and answers the one I hadn't exactly asked.

"That's what I like to hear." I answer, happy to hear that they hadn't run into any unanticipated obstacles or observed any raiders.

"How were things here?" He asks, his hand trailing down to my hip. No matter how many times his hands have mapped out the curves of my body, it never fails to make me feel loved and desired.

"They were good. I've got something for you downstairs whenever we get around to it." I answer, in no particular hurry to get out of bed just yet.

"Well whatever it is, it can wait just a little longer. How was Ellie?" He asks, a thin line between his eyebrows becoming visible.

"She was good. Spent most of her time with Dina and Jesse. I'm not cool enough anymore apparently." I tell him, remembering how much fun she looked like she was having the other night with her friends.

I had gone to the Tipsy Bison with Maria while our men were away to pass some time and we had spotted Ellie, Dina, and Jesse together. They were laughing and joking, having a good time overall. And as I watched them, I could've sworn I saw a certain look in Ellie's eye as she watched Dina. It's the same one Joel has when he looks at me, and me at him. But I'll never say anything to Joel, I just hope by now she trusts me enough to talk about it, whenever she may be ready. Though she's not my child, she's come to grow on me, and I love her like she's my very own.

"Good. It's about time she gets some solid friends. I was worried about her for a while, thought she was making it her mission to have the world as her enemy." He says with a sigh. I place my hand atop his on my hip and give him a pointed look.

"Sure sounds like someone I met once." A small smirk tilts the corner of my lip.

"I don't know what you mean." He feigns ignorance and deflects by kissing my forehead.

We spend some more time in bed, relishing in the peace we have before we eventually make our way down to the kitchen. Before Joel gets down I get to the table first and grab the fresh fruit and hide it behind my back.

And once he finally comes down the stairs he sees the smile on my face, his eyes going to my hands behind my back.

"Whatcha got there?" He asks, eyes flicking back up to mine.

"This." I say and bring the fruit around from behind my back.

A small peach sits in the palm of my hand and Joel's eyes grow wide. He takes a few steps towards me, his eyes never leaving the fruit.

"Is that..?" He asks, not believing what he's seeing.

"It is. And I haven't forgotten about the promise I made." I nod my head with a smile and hold the fruit out to him.

Three years ago when Joel first planted the trees, I ended up promising him the first peach the trees produced. And all of our patience and care has finally paid off. The droughts and severe winters weren't enough to keep our trees from prospering.

He takes the fruit from my hand and wastes no time biting into it. I hear how juicy it is and can't wait to try one myself. I'll be even happier when the apple trees start producing, but unfortunately that'll likely take another year or two. But if I've learned anything, it's that I can be patient for good things.

"Good?" I ask, seeing Joel's eyes closed as he savors the fruit.

"So good." He opens his eyes again and closes the space between us.

Joel leans in for a kiss, and I can taste the sweet peach juice on his lips. Maybe when we get more I can find a way to make a peach cobbler, there's nothing better than a sweet dessert on a summer's evening.

"Mmm that is good." I say and lick the juice off of my own lips.

"I think you missed some, right there." Joel says and leans in for another kiss. And then another.

One of his arms wraps around my waist as he deepens our kiss. He must've really missed me out there this past week. My hands come up to cup his face and bring him impossibly closer to me. And just as I begin to feel the heat ignite in my tummy, the front door opens.

"Gross." Ellie says, slinging her bag on the couch as she walks into the kitchen.

Joel steps away from me and scowls at Ellie. This isn't the first time she had walked in on Joel and I being intimate together. But thankfully this time we still had our clothes on.

"Have you never heard of knocking?" Joel asks her, taking another bite of the peach still in his hand.

"It's practically noon I didn't think you'd be here." She answers as she starts rummaging through the cabinets. From the looks of her, she didn't spend the night out in the detached garage Joel had converted into an apartment for her.

"I just got back yesterday. Had no plans of leaving this house." He says before finishing off the peach.

Ellie looks over at him, pausing her food scavenging for just a moment.

"I'm going to assume it's because you're tired and not for nasty plans." She says before going back through what's in the cabinets.

At first, I had been taken aback by Ellie's blunt demeanor. But Joel had assured me that it's just her way of communicating. And he had been right, the girl is a spitfire.

"And what if it was?" He shot back at her and I knew that they'd keep going back and forth if I didn't step in.

"Stop it, children. Ellie, we have some bread Maria gave us in the next cabinet over." I tell her and she nods, finding it and tearing a piece off.

"So what'd you come in here for if not to interrupt and take our food?" Joel asks, watching as she takes another mouthful of bread.

"First of all, I didn't interrupt anything. Second, I was coming to tell you that the guy from the radio tower gave me a message. For you." Ellie looks right at me and my eyebrows raise.

"What was it?" I ask, confused as to who could have possibly wanted to reach out.

"Said it was some guy from Boston, James. And that he said he was happy to hear that you're still alive. Oh, and he's pissed he didn't get his knife back." Ellie relays the message. I can't help but feel a little shocked. I hadn't seen or talked to James since I left Boston.

"But I never sent a transmission out to him." I say, sliding my hands into the pockets of my pants.

"I did. A few weeks ago. Felt bad for just leaving him in the dark all that time. Thought he might want to know you were okay." Joel says, almost sheepishly.

A part of me feels bad for never reaching out to James. After everything we went through for years and years, I had just left him and disappeared. I had wanted to reach out but I didn't know what to say, after all, we didn't leave on the best of terms. But James and I always come around. Always.

"Thanks Ellie, and thank you, Joel. I'll have to send him something back." I say, promising to myself that I'll follow through this time.

I wonder how he's doing, how his wife is doing. Maybe he's out of the smuggling business. But if I know James as well as I think I do, there's no way he got out of it. And because of that, I'm even more confident in my choice to leave. Otherwise I'd still be stuck there doing the same damn thing every single day.

And here I get to wake up in peace next to the man I love, never having to worry about FEDRA soldiers or Firefly terrorists. It's quiet and serene out here, and I wouldn't trade this for anything.

"Maybe he'll come out here." Joel says, finishing the peach off and licking the excess juice from his fingers. I scoff and stave off laughter.

"James won't ever leave Boston unless he's forced to. He's complacent there and he's got the economy under his thumb. But it would be nice to see him again." I say, remembering all those years we spent surviving together. What once seemed like days that blurred together, are now nothing more than a distant memory.

"Well, anyways, I'm going back out. See you guys later, maybe." Ellie says, shoving just a little bit more bread into her mouth before she's grabbing her bag and darting out the door.

"I'm gonna have to change the locks or something." Joel says with a shake of his head. But I know he only puts up a rough exterior, deep down I know he loves when she drops in.

"You really think that'll stop her?" I ask, and Joel shakes his head.

"It sure wouldn't." He confirms and looks from the door back to me.

He steps towards me and can't keep his hands to himself. His lips are on mine again, his hands kneading into my hips. I'd love to just melt right into his touch and spend the day wrapped up in him, but, as another unfortunate fact of life, there's work to be done. Maybe tonight we'll be able to make up for lost time.

"Joel, come on I have to get out the greenhouses. First harvest is coming up." I say, stepping out of his embrace before I get persuaded to stay.

"Let me come with you then." He says and puts his boots on before I can insist he stays here and rests up. The man is still stubborn as an ox, not much has changed on that front.

"Fine. But I won't let you do any physical labor. Today is supposed to be for your rest and recovery." I remind him, lacing up my own shoes. He dismisses my statement while I grab some wicker baskets.

The two of us step out into the golden sunlight, the summer air feeling warm already. It's best to get gardening work done in the morning, and I'm really pushing it today. I just hope the others don't mind much. But even if they do, with Joel around, I doubt I'll hear anything about it.

The greenhouses are full and are shaping up to have a very fruitful season. When we get there, there's already a few of the others working to water and harvest the newly-ripened vegetables.

I hand a basket to Joel and the two of us start making our way down the aisles, grabbing the red tomatoes and peppers while making sure the others are growing nicely and without pests or diseases.

It's not often Joel gets to work here, but I can tell he likes it when he can find the time. After all, I'm sure it's extremely rewarding to see so much prosperity come from something he helped to build with his own hands.

I watch as he gently plucks a cherry tomato from the vine, his large hands acting with such tenderness. A tenderness I never would've guessed lived in him when I first met him a few years ago.

He must feel me watching because he turns his head and meets my gaze. A soft smile forms on his lips before he focuses back on the plant. And after admiring him for just a moment longer, I get back to work as well, my soul content and happy.

Later, after the greenhouse work is complete and the sun begins descending on the horizon, Joel offers to walk me to the flower field. The flower field and orchard is probably my favorite place on Earth. And every time I go to visit, I'm reminded of Joel's kindness and thoughtfulness.

The two of us find a nice spot amongst the blooming colors. Every year since Joel planted them all, more and more keep popping up, filling the space with incredible vividness. I lean against his shoulder as we listen to the birds coo and chirp and watch the butterflies and honey bees fly around to all the flowers.

"Reminds me that I need to find that hive, might be able to get us some honey." Joel breaks the silence as a pollen-covered bee lands on his boot.

"Honey would be so nice." I agree, watching as it takes flight again.

The two of us fall back into a comfortable silence for a while longer, the setting sun finally painting the sky a vibrant orange and pink.

"Listen, while Tommy and I were out there, I found something." Joel speaks up again and I shift around to look up at him. His hand comes down to rest on my thigh.

"What did you find?" I ask, curious as to why he's only bringing this up now. Usually if they find anything good it's the first thing Joel says.

"I'll get to that in a second. But first, I just, um, I just wanted to tell you that you mean the world to me. And that I love you, very much." He says and I smile sweetly. Joel tells me he loves me all the time, but this feels different. And while he's searching for his next words, I place my hand atop his on my thigh.

"And I love you too." My voice is light, as to not disturb the ambience surrounding us.

"I mean, I love you more than I ever thought was possible. From that first night in Boston, I knew there was just somethin' about you. And then we spent the night on that farm, and I got to see the real you. I knew I could never just say goodbye after Omaha, there's just no way I could come back here and never see you again. And building this life together, it's more than I deserve and certainly more than I ever could've hoped for." He says, and I faintly see tears welling up in his eyes. His big brown eyes look into mine, and my heart feels like it's overflowing with love.

"And while we were out there. I saw this and just thought it would be the prettiest thing in the world on your finger." He says, pulling a box from his pocket and opening it.

Inside, a pristine looking ring sits in the plush velvet. The stones are bright and reflect the sunlight in a magical way. Tears fall from my eyes before I can even find the words to say.

"Joel Miller, I love you more than you could ever know. And I'll cherish you for the rest of my days." I say, as he pulls the ring from the box and slides it into my ring finger.

The metal and stones glisten wonderfully and I can barely take my eyes off of it. Never in a million years did I think I'd be wearing another ring on my finger. And we both know that this can never replace what was lost decades ago, we know that this is a symbol of what we've found and built together.

Joel wipes the tears from my eyes and a few fall from his and roll down his cheek. His lips meet mine in a tender, loving way, and I wish that I could stay in this moment forever.

And as we break away and lean our foreheads against one another's, I hear the cooing of turtle doves in the trees above us.

[preservationofnormalcy]

Greetings, warrior Knight

You may have thought me dead. That is not the case. In truth, though you brought me very near true death, I did not succumb to obliteration. It has taken me one of your decades to build a new body for myself, and the whole time, I have not thought of anything other than you.

Your particular form of violence is... irrefutably effective. When that projectile of yours shattered the ███ within my heart, I knew you were the one that could kill me. Many have sought to slay me, and all were failures. But there is something different about you. Had I not grasped my existence with every shred of my will and held on even after all matter that had once composed my form ceased to cohere, you would have succeeded.

I see that you have had your fingers reattached. This is only fair, for I have also healed. It will mean that we shall face each other upon an even field, once we finally meet again.

Let us not resort to trickery and schemes. I will not come after those you love, the few that still live. I want you, Knight. I want to be with you again, fighting for our lives beneath the ██████ moon, shedding each other's lifeblood and allowing it to mix upon the scorched earth.

Let's settle this. Saturday night, 7pm, the old farm where it all started. Wear something nice. And bring your gun. One, or both of us will die.

Looking forward to our reunion,

█████████

███████ ████. I'll be...

Knight? What's--

I'll be damned. I thought I...has it been ten years? Jesus H. Seems like yesterday.

....should I ask?

Gonna head out, Halter. Gotta go get some things in order. Director Knight's got a date Saturday night.

Oh. Okay! Thanks for coming by today, this was -- and he's gone.

[theoreticallysensible]

I finished Ursula K Le Guin’s The Farthest Shore yesterday, and it got me thinking about two things:

1) The relationship between truth and meaning.

2) The wisdom of accepting death.

The conflict of the book is established when it is discovered that people have lost their connection to the “true speech”, the language of creation, which means that wizards can no longer use magic, but also that everyone falls into nihilism, listlessness, and paranoia. People retain their regular language, but the language of magic is lost, and so they lose their grip on reality. They see everything as flat, without any transcendence in anything. Nothing is more significant than anything else, and so nothing is worth doing. People keep talking, but none of it means anything real.

The cause of this is someone trying to escape the fear of death by dying and coming back immortal, leaving a tear in the world that magic leaks out of. The fact that they have to first die to find immortal life suggests that death and immortality are in a way the same thing, and that this deconstruction is the cause of the spread of nihilism. The necromancer is able to send out a message to people’s dark sides, causing this change in them:

By denying life you may deny death and live forever!

This is reflected in the fact that the souls of the dead show an even more extreme embodiment of the emptiness and stillness experienced by those seduced by the message. The tear in the world is blurring the distinctions between life and death, and calling for people to hurry it along.

For Le Guin then, life is change and difference - rather like Octavia Butler’s message from Parable of the Sower that “God Is Change”. Maybe the key part of Butler’s poem for this though is “The Only Lasting Truth Is Change.” Seeking immortality is sort of denying reality. Le Guin describes each individual life as a wave on the ocean, and claims that seeking immortality would be like making the entire ocean one wave, so that it grows still. In other words, life cannot exist without other lives, and without a chance of ending. A single life that totalises all would be indistinguishable from death.

I’m with her on the first point, that a changeless life would be indistinguishable from death. Experience is formed through interaction, which inevitably changes both parties. This is ancient knowledge, which Le Guin no doubt gets from her passion for Taoism, but my favourite exposition is Donna Haraway’s Situated Knowledges. But if life is always changing, always unfinished, why could there not theoretically be an eternal life which does not totalise, which accepts its mutability?

I think here is where we run up against the tension between Le Guin’s commitments to true language on on side and contingency on the other. Nietzsche is famous for having pointed out that language is a host of metaphors. Derrida then took this further to point out that no word is self-contained, rather its meaning is dependent on so many others that it can never be pinned down perfectly to mean just one thing for certain. This includes the self. It stops and starts when we’re knocked unconscious, and its altered with every experience, every exchange of atoms. In a sense we die a lot - if we thing of ourselves as a being, rather than an emergent property of various processes. We can’t be perfectly described with a word, because we aren’t a constant thing anyway, irrespective of that final death.

But this is kind of a moot point as Le Guin’s story is concerned. Few of us ever actually seek immortality. And Le Guin is right to frame it as an impossible task. It plays a symbolic role for the equally, perhaps even more, impossible task of seeking control, constancy, solidity. Nothing is constant - The Only Lasting Truth Is Change. But for me this just makes the final change of death easier to accept, as just one more change that will leave the previous version of myself behind - only this time there won’t be a recognisably new version to take its place.

There is definitely a difficulty in accepting the indefinite fuzziness that comes to things when you look at them like this though, that can lead to the nihilism Le Guin was so afraid of. I think Le Guin answers this rather well though, when she says that we cannot help but do everything we do, want everything we want, feel everything we feel. We can’t actually avoid caring about things, especially if we throw ourselves into them. We don’t have to justify what we care about based on some sort of metaphysical truth, as if we could ever be certain of that - we just have to accept the inclinations given to us by the universe and act on them in a balanced way to make ourselves content. Don’t rationalise your feelings through strict force of will, pay attention to them and what the good asks of you. That’s actually from a different anarcha-feminist writer - Simone Weil - but it fits!