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artisticxlly · 4 months ago

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The people need to be fed, so here are some Hiruhoshi headcanons!!

Disclaimer: Some of these contain dark themes (I mean this is partly about Sachirou) and/or suggestive content :>

Watching them pine for each other was painful for everyone involved but them! They liked each other for ages before getting together (Thank you Tenny for inspiring this one).

Kourai was the one who confessed, and one half of me believes that it was an angry, fed-up confession (If you've seen my Hiruhoshi comic you know). Sachirou was beyond shocked that Kourai liked him back (low-self esteem will do that to you).

Kourai has great hand strength and is amazing at massages. Since Sachirou has a really bad posture and gets great back pain - sometimes even migraines from it - Kourai will force him to lie down for a bit every once in a while so he can work out the knots from his back. Sachirou has a high pain tolerance so he manages, but any normal mortal being would succumb to Kourai's violent backrubs. /nsrs

Both their families approve their relationship pretty quickly. Sachirou was a little nervous but Asa ended up welcoming him so openly that that quickly faded. He found it cute how much Kourai took after Asa. Fukurou was probably the most 'teasing' one out of both family's, since he already knew Kourai and thought it was funny to fluster him.

Despite possible expectations, both of them are rather fond of kids and are pretty good at taking care of them. They've babysat their siblings' children at gatherings.

It is very much recommended that you don't piss either of them off. They can get very protective when it comes to their partners/family in general and are not afraid to rock your shit.

Sachirou has a picture of Kourai getting tackled by a dog as his phone background. Kourai had picked him up from work and Sachirou wanted to show him a dog that 'looked like him' (it didn't really but he needed an excuse), a Japanese Spitz. The dog promptly got too excited to be pet and jumped onto Kourai, knocking him over.

Kourai has a picture of Sachirou laughing with Asa as his phone background. They were looking at Kourai's baby pictures at a family gathering and Sachirou got a kick out of it.

Their bickering is kind of scary for people who don't know them well. Not because their fights are intense, but because they both throw quite dark and personal jabs at each other. They both know they're joking and think it's funny, outsiders don't.

Similarly, Sachirou has thick skin when it comes to Kourai (inspired by the panel of him being unphased as Kourai just tells him to quit). Suicide jokes are not off the table and are actually the thing that help Sachirou feel less awkward about communicating Kourai when he's not doing well.

Despite their height difference, it's usually Sachirou who is getting cradled by Kourai when they sleep/cuddle. Sometimes it's the other way, but Kourai likes holding Sachirou more than he likes being held by him.

Both of them get really warm when they sleep and it gets hellish in the summer. Both of them usually just wear boxers and a shirt/tanktop to bed, sometimes no shirt at all.

Kourai either tops or is a power bottom I don't make the rules (/lh)

Kourai's physical strength is a big plus in Sachirou's book (a little manhandling won't hurt anyone ☝️). Sachirou likes tracing Kourai's back muscles when they're being lazy/relaxing.

On the topic of Kourai's strength, he's able to carry Sachirou for a pretty impressive amount of time and has carried him to bed/the couch before when he fell asleep at his desk.

They definitely get a dog at some point in time, maybe after Kourai retires so they can take proper care of it. Sachirou is very happy about it to say the least

They have some rough patches. This happens when they're long-distance/don't see each other for long periods of time but also sometimes when they're back together in the same apartment. Sachirou gets a lot worse before he gets better, I'd think (vet school is hell). Ultimately, it makes them stronger, but it costs them scar issue and a lot of tears.

In the beginning of the relationship: Kourai does borrow Sachirou's clothes, but veeery rarely, as a little treat (he likes being a tease, let him be). Sachirou doesn't really admit it out loud but he likes seeing Kourai in them (he's flustered to high hell).

Later on in the relationship: Sachirou is holding onto the last of his clothes still in his closet, as Kourai claims ownership of most of them. They bicker about it:

Sachirou: Can you give me some of my clothes back, please? I can't go get groceries without a hoodie. Kourai: Tough luck, I'm wearing your hoodie right now. Get more uncomfortable clothes if you don't want me wearing them.

Kourai returns the clothes as soon as they stop smelling like Sachirou. He makes up an excuse for why ("I felt like being nice today") but that's his actual reason.

Sachirou wears sweaters and hoodies almost religiously so seeing Sachirou wear nothing/a tight shirt gives Kourai heart palpitations (in a gay way ofc).

Kourai actually has a pretty shitty immune system. When he gets a cold he recovers quickly but Sachirou uses the opportunity to spoil Kourai as well for once. Kourai can get flustered when being pampered which makes it all the more worth it.

Sachirou can grow a beard/stubble. Kourai will make him shave it (Either he can't handle it for gay reasons or doesn't like the feeling when kissing (he might eventually grow fond of it).

Out of the two, Kourai is definitely the better cook. Sachirou made it a habit during vet school to not eat properly either, so Kourai ended up feeding him proper food for a few weeks until he recovered enough energy to try doing it himself.

Sachirou has a caffeine addiction for a hot minute, he cannot function without it during vet school and the habit of drinking one every morning never really leaves. Kourai doesn't really like the taste and it leads to Sachirou giving him kisses just after drinking some to giggle at Kourai's disgruntled face.

Sachirou started smoking too at some point, Kourai helped him quit, maybe? (moreso forced him but yeah /nsrs) Or they got to an agreement of him limiting himself to a certain amount if he couldn't quit.

Kourai is kind of a lightweight (there's only so much alcohol tolerance you can build and he's still mass-wise on the small side) and he gets really giggly and sappy when drunk. Sachirou isn't one to attend parties but he has picked Kourai up more often than not to get him home safely. Kourai ended up clinging to him and showering him in kisses.

They both actually need glasses post-timeskip, Kourai just wears contact lenses usually (If his eyes get too irritated while wearing them he has backup glasses, they have a thick, translucent frame!).

Inspired by my unusual talents post, they verbal stim at each other when bored.

Kourai has bitten Sachirou just out of affection before (in the bedroom biting is a very common thing. Both like claiming 'ownership' in that way).

Both of them read sometimes when they have free time and nothing else to do (which is pretty rare before Kourai retires).

Sachirou has a scary high pain tolerance. He doesn't even flinch disinfecting scratches and bites from his work (or cuts, too). In comparison, Kourai also has a rather high tolerance and doesn't necessarily make a fuss when hurt, though he definitely curses a ton when something hurts. This includes damning the hell out of their furniture when he bumps into it.

They still visit their 'spot' well into adulthood, separately and together. Kourai found Sachirou there after what was most likely their worst argument ever.

Based on something I draw in my art frequently: They have a friendship/bond bracelet. It was originally a joke, they saw them for cheap in some trinket shop and got them while still in high school. Both of them ended up much more attached to them than intended and kept them.

#a longer one because there should be more content of them in all honesty /lh #shoutout to my hiruhoshi moots <33 #arts hcs #hiruhoshi #hirugami sachirou #hirugami fukurou #hoshiumi kourai #hoshiumi asa #haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons

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fandoms-in-law · 9 months ago

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To the Past Versions

Summary: Steve gets pushed to write letters to his past by Dustin, and then Robin when he isn't nice in the first. It does eventually help him.

Authors note: I am ever confused when words fall easily. I write constantly so it happens often enough, but if I have a prompt I expect to get stuck. Today I did not, happily so.

The idea for this fic: Dear self esteem* as a Steve fic except he's really just writing to memories, wondering when he stopped feeling like he could do anything/be anything

*A sanders sides fic I wrote a while back

/\/\

Attempt 1:

Hey Steve,

So Dustin has it in his head that we all need to write to the past to get mentally healthy or something, sounds like bullshit, which is what you are, so I picked you to write to.

You’re so wrapped up in yourself, you don’t even realise how much of an asshole you are. You Don’t treat Nancy right now, and barely get better after you sleep with her. You’re a complete jackass, who I and everyone I’ve basically ever met hates and that’s without knowing you most of the time.

Literally, I meet people I thought were complete strangers, or maybe classmates I never interacted with, and get told how horrible you are. That’s how bad you are. You’re worse than complete garbage and trust me, I’ve met men like that enough to know.

Get your head out of your ass, stop bullying people for no reason and fucking learn money solves basically nothing. It just lets you pretend the problem isn’t there until you run out of it.

Thanks for nothing, And better grovel for Nancy to help you learn to be better, you useless prick.

Steve.

Attempt 2:

So, somehow Robin found out about my first letter and got mad about it? She’s telling me to right to a past me that I actually like and seems set on doing so until she thinks I’m healthier. There were threats to show it to Dustin involved and I do not want to know how he’d react. He’s already acting oddly, along with the other kids since Robs found it. I think she spoke to them too.

Sorry for the ramble, Steve, hello.

You’ll meet Robin soon so don’t worry over having no clue who she is. The kids have already inserted themselves into your lives and I still agree that you’re better for it.

I think the first time I actually liked myself was because of those kids. For once I wasn’t a Harrington, or a basketball player; I was a guy who could help them, protect them in a way Nancy never let me feel like I had done. (We both know I was the one who won against that demogorgan not her or Jonathan though)

Times are shit for you outside of the kids though, but I miss those days. Even if Billy liked to lord over me that he was king now, it was nice to be in the background at school, and stand a chance of learning in lessons instead of Tommy yanking me into parties or rubbish that I never enjoyed. Heck I even enjoyed a few of the classes that year. Who knew I could be interested in that stuff?

Life gets better though, even if it comes looking like horrid situations sometimes. And the kids will be there nagging you through it all. I love those shitheads.

Keep going.

Steve.

Attempt 3:

Hey Steve,

Erica would have gotten involved regardless. It might be horrible that you and Robin were the ones to do it when she was so young, but I think it was better for her. This last time was the worst and I’m glad she wasn’t trying to understand it all without something to get out of it. You don’t have to carry that guilt forever. At least share some of it with Robin since she was the one who came up with the idea and acted before asking me or Dustin if it was sensible to try.

I wish you had done that ceremonial burning of the scoops outfit though. You and Robs joked about it so much in the weeks after the fire but here I am, with Eddie fucking Munson begging me to wear it again just so he can see the old uniform fully assembled.

Seriously, go burn it now whenever you don’t get a letter from the future appearing

Steve

Attempt 4:

Dear Steve,

Kiddo, you know these people you think are friends aren’t. I wouldn’t call the kids I look after kiddo but somehow it works for 13yr old me. Popularity isn’t friendship, it’s people pretending to like you because they think that’ll get them something; I wish you weren’t so desperate for friendship and connection you fell into it.

This is the last year I remember trying to stop someone insulting another person. You got called a bleeding heart for months and if you even grimace at the worst bullying happening around you Tommy or one of the other people hanging onto you would turn everything onto ‘bleeding heart Harrington’. The poker face you develop because of it still hasn’t been broken when Eddie decides everyone should play cards.

Steve, you have hell coming before you, and despite the monsters and location that matches that name better to most people, for you that is high school and being forced to the top all because you wanted friends. You get through it, you find monsters and discover what real friendship is after all of that. I think someone in history class said something about if you’re going through hell keep going and that’s what you need to do, what I did.

But, kid, still keep trying to be kind when you can. I know it feels precarious, dangerous, to have everyone looking at you and see the bullying they do to anyone shown to be human. I know how scared I felt that it’d turn on me if I refused any of those people I thought were friends too much, but you try, I tried, as much as I could for as long as I could, until I got here.

You’re going to be lonely for a while, Steve, but not forever, I promise you that.

I’ll see you in my reflection when I get stunned by my friends. They’ll find you eventually.

Steve

Attempt 5:

Dear Steve,

I dug out a picture to write this. One mom took just before leaving saying she’d get it developed so she could never forget her darling boy. Two promises broken at once because I found that camera, and the film still inside it a decade later, the picture still undeveloped until I asked Jonathan if he could.

Dustin was right when he read somewhere that writing to our past could help us feel better, but he was wrong too. He suggested times I could write to for stupid things or times following what he thinks are the big traumas, but those are easy. I knew more of the world then, but you’re just a kid, younger than Erica was when I got to know her and needing far more protection than I think she’s ever done.

If Robin had brought you into the back room of Scoops that day I might’ve done the most sensible thing ever and just driven out of Hawkins, you and Dustin packed into the back seat to try and figure out how to survive. Until Mrs Henderson took Dustin back because she loves him so much.

Sometimes it hurts to witness that, because of your year, 8yrs old and absolutely sure I was a big boy who could cope with a few nights home alone because mom wanted to go with father on a short trip. You shouldn’t have been, have needed to be, and for a long time I’ve been sad about that.

Mom and father were home last week and she found the picture, said she didn’t remember getting it developed. I didn’t correct her. Because you were lonely, scared, for so long, and now I’m mad.

I know you get through it, become the best cook to start taking home economics and almost kill yourself mixing cleaning products enough times you didn’t need chemistry class to tell you what makes poisonous gases. You get to become me eventually, but you shouldn’t have. I could never imagine leaving one of the kids I look after home alone in the way you were, and that’s on our parents. They failed you, even before now, but at 8 was the first time you wondered it. You didn’t need to correct yourself then although I know you did. Mom and father failed you.

We make it, and they will realise they’ve been strangers my whole life when they come home to emptied rooms, bills unpaid and no forwarding address. I move out next week to an apartment with friends.

You will have company again.

Steve

Attempt 6:

Your majesty, King Steve,

Eddie is pretty funny and I think I need his flavour of madness right now. Last time I tried to write to you I got mad, at myself more than at you. Then Robin both got mad and started paying attention to how she and everyone talks to me or about who I’ve been. She’s still mad but at herself and others now.

You aren’t good, Steve, but you weren’t as horrible as I began to think. I mean, even at what everyone thinks is my worst I went back to save Nancy. Robin pointed that out to me, sat down and dissected things I was sure I did at my worst, before Nance and I were officially dating.

Some things surprised her and I like knowing that I was a good friend, even to people who weren’t, because you are. You are there giving Carol pudding pots when Tommy ruins hers; there checking no one on the swim or basketball teams gets too hurt by teasing; there trying to make sure everyone claiming to be your friend has what they need.

Those aren’t things a bad person would do, just someone so caught up in protecting themself from the pain of loneliness and isolation that they compromise themself for company. Okay, Robin told me that too, but it tracks.

Most importantly, when I get the chance to be better, to know real connections, I take it. That’s pretty great of you.

Thanks Steve. You take the biggest step for us.

Attempt 7:

To Myself,

It’s been a long journey and I never thought I’d write to myself half so much as I have.

I’ve been popular, lonely, both at once, heartbroken, loved and to hell only to come out fighting. Concussions are far too familiar a sensation and I could probably make do living in the woods with the ways I learnt to cook.

Life is a trip and apparently I don’t get a choice about living it. But in all the letters to our past I’ve written there’s one thing I realised I’ve wanted someone to tell me for years and that’s that it’s okay to mess up. It’s okay if I wasn’t always the nicest person, or that I’m not smart, hardly perfect and have very little will to fight for myself or against other people. I don’t need to be perfect because with the right people we can make a wonderful imperfect family.

To us, Steve. To being myself, as best I know how.

#stranger things #steve harrington #platonic stobin #mentioned robin buckley #mentioned dustin henderson #steve has self esteem issues #writing letters to yourself

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hils79 · 2 years ago

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Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 27

Aww Baozi gets to sit this game out now that they have more players. At least he has one of his boyfriends to keep him company

I still think the terms of this game are stupid given that it's entirely voluntary

I am genuinely mad because this whole game was unnecessary beyond Sun Xiang wanting to stroke his own ego and Ye Xiu saying 'well, we've have to play against them eventually'. This was a showcase match which has now relegated them because idek why. I do not understand why Ye Xiu agreed to it under these terms. Was he so sure they were going to win?

Oh no why would you just assume you were going to win. Especially when your place in the league was on the line.

Oh thank god someone texted and the team didn't just walk back to that.

And, look, okay. They've won every game up until this point so obv they had to lose at least one to make it realistic. I'm just annoyed that the game they lost was one they didn't actually need to play.

Uh, what?

I'm a bit confused about the timescale of this. When she was talking to Mo Fan she said her dad died years ago but she and everything around her in the flashback looks the same as it is now. Like, that is clearly a modern laptop.

Look at these good sweet boys trying to cheer up their manager. But, also, how come no one has texted them to say that actually they won.

God he always has to say something. Remind me to talk about his hair some time. I have Thoughts and Opinions.

The kitty has found a kitty.

Oh my god that is not how you hold a cat. But aww he asked the kitty for advice

Oh my god is Wei Chen going to get a tattoo???

My son is...singing?? Holy shit look at him I've never seen him this relaxed and happy

Is that a fucking Peppa Pig tattoo???

LMAO it's fake!

I love her

Aww everyone went out to relax after the game and no one invited Baozi

Feeling absolutely fine and normal about this

Getting everyone to anonymously say who they think was responsible for the near-loss is going to backfire massively. They all have self-esteem issues (except maybe Baozi) so they'll all just blame themselves

I'm not going to screenshot everyone but, yep, they all blamed themselves except Mo Fan who didn't write anything down I think because he assumed everyone else would blame him

I...they...*gestures helplessly at the screen*...IN YE XIU'S BEDROOM

Lowkey mad that you can't see that Baozi is sleeping with his head on Yifan's legs. MY OT3 ARE IN A CUDDLE PILE PLEASE SEND HELP

Oh my god are they in dorms now? THE BUNK BEDS! Of course Baozi and Luo Ji are in one and Wei Chen and Ye Xiu are in another one #boyfriends

Yifan in his boyfriends' bedroom where he belongs. Even if he is trying to wake them up and make them work out with him. Yifan, I love you, but no.

Mood

Well, my son had to have one flaw and that flaw is that he is a chipper morning person. I'm with literally everyone else. Like I have to get up at 6am for work but no one had better try and talk to me until I get to the office at 8am

LOL Yifan and Luo Ji are eating breakfast, Ye Xiu has fallen asleep at the table, Wei Chen is congratulating himself on finding them a house and everyone else has left

#hils watches #hils watches the king's avatar #hils watches cdramas #the king's avatar #cdrama

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dirkselbows · 27 days ago

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"omegaverse dirk and roxy scents are unpleasant but when you grew up with that it's a very nice smell actually their ectochildren say (incest included)"

(I gave this a title cuz I ramble so much and can't get to the point to save my life)

ok random thought but like. I once read a hannibal a/b/o fic where blood scent just REAKED of blood. and most people found it just atrocious to be around (except of hannibal ofc)

So. what if dirk and roxy had just. very weird and kinda unpleasant smells.

maybe dirk smells of blood, maybe of iron of how your fingers smell after touching metal too much. maybe he smells of newly made tires (oh my gog, tires smell so bad I want to vomit). Oh or moldy citruces(I hate that smell) and Maybe usually people woudnt mid as much but his smells is way to strong and overpowering and just it's hard to exist in the same room as him without covering your nose

for roxy. maybe cat litter? alkohol? moldy pumpkins? her smell wouldn't be as strong. it would be pretty faint actually (with being void and stuff). but it you try to get close to her you can smell it. And is it Not a pleasant smell.

And they lived for 16 years alone! dirk had nobody and roxys carapatians probably didn't get all that close or maybe they just don't have as strong sense of smell. Actually maybe smelling like something to not be eaten saved her from accidently being eaten by them? Who knows.

And they get into the session with Jane and Jake, and one of the first things they learn is how sweet and lovelly Jane and Jake smell and how unpleasant they personally smell. which really is a hit into their self esteem(it's going into negatives).

but the session is moslty outside so it's not too much of an issue. And maybe Jake kinds likes the weird smell dirk has at least in small doses. but that won't save their relationship.

and maybe. after everything. And meeting with the beta kids. and somewhat settling on earth c (dubvious canon not compliant). And everybody getting kinda homesick and missing their guardians even if they were shit cuz like. That's what they knew as kids. Thats the smells they were comforted by.

and let me tell you. Dirk and Roxy smell pretty much identical to bro and mom.

so maybe. in some chain of events ends up with both dave and rose just. Putting their noses into dirks and roxies neck. right on the scent gland. And just breathing in. and feelings just a little bit better thanks to this smell that used to fill out their home but does no more. And they realize just How much they miss their guardians even if they did a shit job.

rose proabbly would be first to make a move. since roxies smell is way fainter so she can't just. smell it by being somewhat near. no clue how it would go tho. (I. Don't really know lalondes all that well sorry </3)

dave tho. Dave proabbly would end up hovering around dirk relatively often. Or just visiting his house. Dirk proabbly woudnt really invite anybody over cuz of how full of his smell his house is but dave after some time decides to just invite himself over for reasons like rap battles and shit. and only after a relatively long time (dave knows exaclty how much time had passed since he first cought scent of dirk) when maybe sleep deprived or a bit drunk he ends up just snuggling into dirks neck cuz the smell is the strongest there and it just so comforting. the smell is here and it's not running away and it's good.

And stuff just kinda goes forward from there. Dave and rose smelling now of dirk and roxy, respectivly. I'm sure there would be some drama with kanaya proabbly. Dave gets to know what it's like to smell in a way that most people find not super pleasant. dirk proabbly secretly likes it cuz it's not just claiming theritory in the usual way but also has stronger effect since many people don't even want to be too close to dave cause of it. life is good for those two proabbly.

also realized that bro probably would need to wash smuppets in some very strong detergent before shipping them cuz he got complains over them smelling like moldy oranges or something.

#stridercest #lalondecest #omegaverse #a/b/o #scent kink #???#I have no clue how to tag this #dirkselbows.txt #davedirk #dirkdave #roseroxy #roxyrose #homestuck #spoiled oranges au

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olderjodijournals · 2 months ago

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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21, 1990

It’s been 40 days since I’ve written, and I know I should write every day to keep updated and so I don’t forget anything, whether it’s important or not. If I write on a daily basis I can write not only the important things but also little details too. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has gone by and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.

I am working now down the street at a little variety store/Laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it’s in the daytime and it’s under the table at $3.50 an hour, but shit pay’s better than no pay. I wasn’t working today but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some “Lucy’s,” which is when you buy just 3 cigarettes.

Also, I left this journal last Monday in Martha’s office, so I stopped in to pick it up (I wonder how much of this she read). Martha looked great.

Andy drove me today and he had errands to do too, such as stopping at welfare for an hour, then cashing his check.

I’m gonna drop off to sleep, but first I have to go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 1990

I woke up right before my show, watched that, took a shower and went out with Andy for a little while.

John R, this undercover cop I know, who’s also a security guard at Mercy Hospital where we met, is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I’ve known him for a little more than 3 years.

One day I was at the little variety store down the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who’s super nice and lots of fun to work with, hired me. I’ve only worked about 3 days so far cuz I’m waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. So basically, those 3 days I worked were just to get me familiar with the store which is very tiny.

Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebrate cuz a huge truck rammed her tour bus in the rear on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I guess she was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor girl. I love her so much and I feel so bad for her. I mean, this woman has so much class and is so respected that it doesn’t seem fair. Emilio got a head injury and Nayib broke his collarbone but they’ve been released from the hospital. Gloria’s received tons of phone calls and cards and flowers and I heard that President Bush came to see her.

Later…

In about 20 minutes me and Andy are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Rd.

Steve called from work which was so sweet of him. Last night we had a great conversation and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning, he’s had one which he said made him feel so dizzy he put it out, and since 7:30 yesterday morning I’ve had two and they made me feel like shit so we’re both gonna keep trying to just take one day at a time. Steve said he’s gonna quit regardless of people smoking in front of him.

Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn’t try to knock down people’s self-esteem.

Earlier I fed George, Jai’s cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny. He’ll be back Sunday. Jai and Jenny are also the sweetest people.

FRIDAY, MARCH 23, 1990

After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went across to Steve’s and gave him some tips on all kinds of stuff such as hair, makeup and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.

In a little over 21 hours, I’ve had about 5 cigarettes and he’s had maybe 3. I’m really not craving one that bad either, and those 5 that I had were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart enough and strong enough now to hopefully get up the willpower cuz my lungs and nose are worsening by the day and as time goes on you get madder and madder at feeling so lousy. And then there’s my singing to worry about too, and saving money, gaining weight, and getting a better complexion and blood circulation. It’s amazing how much time it’s been taking too, to realize my price for smoking and that it’s no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, “I can’t take this anymore! Quit!” But then again, I’m not surprised, as it took me years to wean my way off the Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper. The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for a baby, I don’t know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.

SATURDAY, MARCH 24, 1990

Right now I am on the phone with Andy making prank phone calls.

Last night I was over at Steve’s and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep so I went down to the store and hung out for about 3 hours and played cards with Louis.

Before I went to the store I talked to John who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.

I’m gonna go listen to music then try to get some sleep. I’m just totally exhausted. Andy’s still gonna be up all night making calls so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He’s got 30 minutes’ worth of tape. He’ll have a field day.

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 1990

Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke I saw that Jai was back so we talked a while then walked up to Lil’ Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, then Jai went to bed.

Last night I knocked on Steve’s door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier he had sounded as though he was upset about something.

Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I’m staying up till after therapy.

I never did write about what happened with me and Kacey, or about this girl Stacey.

Well, I didn’t fuck Kacey over and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another cuz we’re so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn’t quite ready and her feelings weren’t that strong for me. I definitely know, though, it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl Angie that she was with for 4 years.

I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones cuz love just wasn’t meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat never, get involved again cuz it’s just not worth it and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.

I’ll write about Stacey later.

Later…

I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.

Linda S just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does cuz of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don’t know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn’t know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.

I’m starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I’m gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I’ll write about her. I also have to call John, too.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27, 1990

I’ll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don’t feel too cool. I’m lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I’ll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It’s really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever’s meant to be will be no matter what I do or don’t do.

Saturday I get paid and I’m swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I’ll never be able to get for a very long time.

Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck outa this city, but I’ll miss my friends and neighbors.

I had a really good session today with Martha. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.

SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 1990

Last night I was over to Andy’s for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I’ve finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, amongst a lot of other shit. I’m also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits,” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that’s funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous. Or Andy, Fran or myself saying something funny, and taping it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It’s totally hilarious. I don’t think I ever wrote about this before.

Currently, I have someone on the phone, who’s been on now for well over an hour, of course, not saying anything, so I’ve played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they’re still listening or if they fell asleep.

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koiguy94 · 5 months ago

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Heard My Ex-Boyfriend Talking About Our Intimate Life with His Friends

I just need a place to FUCKING VENT and maybe some advice because I feel completely empty and down right now.

I (30M) and my ex-boyfriend (28M) had been dated 2 months. Everything was great for the most part until it was all a lie on his part. To avoid boring you with unnecessary details, I’ll get straight to the point.

Two weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend and I were pretty drunk and ended up doing the deed. For context, in our intimate life, I’m a top, and he’s a bottom. And my dick is big and thick 9 inches. After we finished, I went straight to sleep because I was really tired, while he stayed up to talk with his friends on a video chat. I didn’t immediately fall asleep—I’m the kind of person who wakes up to the smallest noise—and his conversation with his friends, even though they weren’t loud, kept me awake.

At one point during their conversation, his friends started asking about how our relationship was going, if everything was good, and eventually, the topic of our bedroom life came up. I won’t lie, I got a little curious about what he would say. But what I heard completely broke me.

He told them that he fakes enjoying it, that his reactions and sounds are all just an act to let me have my fun. Then, he said he misses how things were with his ex, who was “way better” than me in his opinion. I was shocked who don’t enjoy big dicks lol

Hearing that crushed me. After that, I started distancing myself from him, feeling disgusted to be near him or to let him touch or kiss me.

Yesterday, he came to me crying and begging me to tell him what’s wrong, why I’ve been avoiding him, and why I wouldn’t touch him anymore. I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him work had been draining me—which is partly true, as I’d started picking up extra hours just to avoid being around him.

But I’m still haunted by those words, and I can’t get them out of my head.

I just feel like complete shit. My confidence and self-esteem have been shattered by those words, and I regret ever hearing them.

#exes #ex boyfriend #dating life #dating #friends

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hewholivesinhisname · 1 year ago

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Surviving On the Bottom

The first thing you have to know and to be mindful of, is that people want to press charges on you for loitering. People hate the poor and they will want to use the police to harass you. Security guards are often posted in the dumbest locations just to harass you. Other poor people, especially poor men, often have internalized self-hatred and might attack you to. There is often resources for women "in domestic violence" especially so the poor women end up getting taken care of more than the men.

The people they tend to hire to manage the shelters tend to be terrible and even if these people were saints, the services and facilities tend to suck.

They give you just enough to survive in a degraded condition.

The churches are lifesavers in that you can attend services for free and you can eat for free at the meals if and when they have them. Even if I was rich, quite honestly I would attend community meals. I think community meals are great.

One thing that happens which is important to note is that if you travel too much, your feet get all scraped up. Footcare can be a really big problem. Often people feel angry, scared and hurt so they lash out at others and they won't show kindness to this, people will attack you for it.

I was always too proud to beg. Once you start begging, you are one step from stealing and once you are stealing you are steps away from other things, being a real criminal. However, I've come to the conclusion that maybe criminals aren't "the bad guys" a lot of the time simply because there are so few jobs available, it's hard to imagine not committing crimes.

I ate out of trashcans a lot and it sucked. It's not great, but I didn't know what else to do. The food is trash anyway. Once I got out of that situation, well, i'm on an all vegetarian diet now.

Asking people for free stuff, especially public transportation is a real skill that takes courage. I jumped a lot of stalls too in order to get anywhere. I was never bothered by the red mbta guys although one yelled at me. There was only one train conductor who really sucked.

Sleeping is a real issue. A really big issue. In the library and common areas, they have guards around who will wake you up and if you get upset they will call the police to harass you.

Other men, of course in this situation. they really like to fight each other and the police do nothing about this. They don't give a shit it seems really. Maybe a few do but all the police chiefs are in the masons, so, you know.

At some churches, pastors have been jailed for allowing homeless people to sleep and the police like to station themselves outside. There is endless money to harass and attack the poor, let me tell you. Maybe it's just me, maybe they are after me, but if you are reading this, they will eventually come after you too.

If you leave stuff in an abandoned site, people will come and throw it away. That's the other thing.

O, and traintracks, you would think that sitting around or staying at the traintracks.

I have trouble with keeping stuff in good condition. Cell-phones, glasses and computers. I lose them, especially in this situation. So, that's no good at all. Other homeless people were a little better at maintaining that stuff.

weirdly enough, it built up my self-esteem being homeless. I'm a good person. I wasn't doing anything and here was everyone harassing me just because I was in a bad situation. There were some good people too of course, but a job and a place to live, they don't supply that. Really, I guess that that's something you kind

Tents are about 50$. way better than rent let me tell you. That's probably the best investment you can make that I know of. Spend the 50$ and get a tent. Then you can go off in the woods and survive on food stamps.

#Survivalism

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evilsnievil · 2 years ago

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So after a terrible breakup from a 10 month relationship with my first ever love that occurred 3 months ago which led to my alcoholic era which ended in me almost deleting myself from alcohol poisoning and almost getting sent to the psych ward like month ago i am finally moving on (i am still deeply traumatized from the breakup and almost dying as well) and in a unforeseen turn of events I think my best friend and I are going to fuck sometime in the next few days.

I met this son of a bitch at the beginning of the school year and we have been through the depths of hell together like we’ve become so close emotionally I’ve never been so vulnerable and comfortable with someone irl and he reciprocates like I’ve been there for him through some tough shit and we just get each other we’re like this 🤞

So when this bitch asked me to call him a slut i swear to god almighty it awakened something within me like y’all don’t get it i was just minding my goddamn business and now for the past like 3 days like i don’t even know I am seeing a new side of this dude this boy wrapped himself around my finger talkin about some “I’ll be your slut” and “I’ll do anything for you” ETC. and good god shit is going straight to my head i feel so powerful it’s so fucking hot.

Anyway i was thinking like ykw fuck it what better way to lose my virginity than to this lovely beautiful good boy who knows about my daddy issues and is the closest relationship I’ve ever had in my life like I’m either very wrong or very right and he’s making it very hard to find the downsides yall dont wanna know how horny ive been everyday every hour since thursday.

With that being said tho I’m very anxious rn idk if it’s because I need to go to sleep (it’s probably because I need to go to sleep) but I’m overthinking this sm and I blame my ex for bringing my hopes up that maybe I’m not unlovable and unattractive and then crushing that shred of confidence and self esteem like a bug which was really fucked up so now I’m just like what if this is a joke what if I’m humiliating myself and being laughed at rn like why would anyone love me let alone want to have sex with me and that’s like really weighing on my soul and Im feeling a huge sense of dread rn and I don’t know what to do.

In my brain I think I’m like subconsciously putting a disconnect between my best friend and the person who wants to have sex with me so like I think the right thing to do is have like one of those semi serious conversations with him and just be open about how fucking insecure I am and I know his angelic self is gonna give me that reassurance that I very badly need to hear and yeah imma probably do that before we maybe have sex and there’s nothing to be scared of I know my best friend is a good and understanding person I just need to hear it from him that things are chill or smth idk

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lovetals · 3 years ago

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aren’t i so kind?

synopsis: you were offered to teach at another school that came with a higher pay and better perks, but how does the headmage of the nrc react to this?

character: dire crowley

deets: gn reader, yandere, teacher x teacher, well, headmage x teacher is more correct ig, nobody dies or anything but crow man isn’t that subtle with how he feels, probs v ooc crowley

note: is it obvious how new i am to this game lmfaoo. idk shit about this man other than that i think he’s a little pretty and sucks as a headmage like c’mon dude, you even let some kid with self esteem issues get blackmail on you smh 🙄 (jk azul ily plz marry me). crowley is v ooc in this btw since idk much about him, sooo :p hopefully everyone is content with him in this tho <3

i made up a false school for this since everyone in this game hates the rsa with a burning passion so i feel like even y/n here would hate them, or crowley would have a much different reaction if they went to rsa. i came up with the name supreme fairy university (sfu) so pay no attention to it i scrambled 😭

There would always be those days when nobody in class could seem to focus and just act restless in general, yourself included, and the students that tend to cause trouble would up their antics tenfold. Today, you weren’t spared from this, each period acting worse than the last until finally, the final bell of the day rang, excusing everyone from class.

Students were eager to rush back to their dorms and you couldn’t blame them, you’d run back to bed if you could. Instead, you let out a sigh of relief and collapsed into your chair, leaning as far back as you could with your eyes shut. You didn’t bother to close the door of the classroom nor did you care if anyone saw how exhausted you were, it seemed as if your students had noticed it already, anyways.

It was nice to have that moment of alone time. It wasn’t completely silent since you could still students in the hallways, but that was fine, a little background noise wouldn’t kill you. Unfortunately, your alone time would be cut short.

“You should know the classroom is no place to sleep, Mx. (last name).”

A distasteful frown appeared on your face at the familiar voice. Opening your eyes, you caught sight of a pair of glowing yellow eyes that were a little too close than you would’ve liked. Seeing this, the person above you chuckled and closed his eyes, the yellow orbs disappearing.

“No need for that hateful look—I was kind enough to not shake you awake.”

You rolled your eyes and flicked at his masked forehead, making him lean back and let you have enough space to sit up properly.

“Good afternoon to you, too, Crowley.”

Wow. You flicked his forehead and didn’t use honorifics to the headmage? How are you still teaching at this school?!

“What’s with the attitude? You’re normally still smiling every time I drop by here.” Crowley said as he leaned beside you, a hand on the desk and another holding onto the chair behind you. With the pout on his face you weren’t sure if he was serious with his next question or not. “Are you feeling ill? Perhaps a rest in my office will help.”

Ah. That’s why.

It was a little obvious that the crow-man in charge of this school held favoritism towards you what with the way he let you act so casually towards him without repercussions and how’d he dote on you. His attitude remained the same towards everybody, except for you. I mean, would a man that forced a student from another world to be a personal therapist to everyone also offer you to sleep in his working space with no extra cost? Maybe, maybe not, but you try to not dwell on this and choose to remain oblivious. It’s best to not raise questions to a matter you wish to avoid.

With a shake of your head, you refuse his offer. “That’s… kind of you… but I’ll be fine. I think I’m just too exci—anxious to be leaving here.”

Heavy silence followed after you spoke, not even the students out in the hallway could ease up the tension that you mistakenly caused.

Shit, you cursed, biting your lip in worry. Though you could try to avoid Crowley’s fondness for you you couldn’t avoid how he felt about your transfer. He’d always become silent at the mention of you switching to another school to teach, which was a much better reaction than when he first heard the news (you swear you’ve never heard a man shout so loudly and so angrily before). From a professional point of view his dislike made sense. Any boss would be upset to have a member of their staff leave to work with their opponent, but something tells you that Crowley’s issues with this were more personal.

After a way too long moment of silence, he spoke up, “You’re still going there?”

“No matter how many times you ask my answer will remain the same.”

“I see…” he hummed, switching to a regular standing position with a hand beneath his chin in a thinking manner. He soon began to mutter, “I could’ve sworn that worked…”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing! Don’t you worry your pretty little head over it.” His smile returned once more as he gave your ‘pretty little head’ a pat, an action that he was much too eager to do. “But you are leaving us soon, have you finished packing?”

When you shook your head he removed his hand from it and stretched it right in front of you. “Then shall we head off to your room?”

Teachers were given a dorm of their own to reside in while they taught at the school. There was nothing special about it other than the fact that you only had to pay for your food (something Crowley tried to treat you to ‘out of the goodness of his heart’) and any clothes or little trinkets that caught your eye (things that Crowley liked to gift to you). There was no need to pay for living in the dorm itself.

Your room was situated right next to Crowley’s, which was significantly larger than what the teachers had since he was the headmage. You were honestly surprised to be given a spot right next to him, but once you saw how far off you were from the rest of the staff and how big your room was you realized that Crowley’s favoritism was showing again. You were sure that the room you were given was meant to be for whoever was the assistant headmage, a member that seemed to be missing at this school. Though you’d never ask Crowley about the lack of one as you feel he may try to persuade you to take the position.

Speaking of him…

As you quickly packed away any items that were only around for decoration, Crowley was taking his sweet time with helping you pack. Every item he picked up he would reminisce about, retelling you how and when he bought it for you, exaggerating every detail. For stuff that he wasn’t familiar with he still found a way to make some sort of comment, your least favorite being his cold tone when asking who got it for you.

“Crowley, shouldn’t you be working on your own work?” you asked. You were starting to become more antsy the longer the headmage remained in your living space, but it seemed Crowley had pulled a trick out of your book and chose to remain oblivious to your obvious nervousness around him.

“Not to worry, I have cleared out my schedule to help you!”

Grasping for something, you said, “But shouldn’t you be working on getting the prefect of Ramshackle back to their world?”

He let out a solemn sigh, shaking his head lightly with a hand on his forehead. “Ah, unfortunately, I seemed to have hit a block in the road during my research and can’t seem to get past it.” He seemed to quickly perk back up, however, smiling at you with his hand back down. “However! I’ve decided to listen to the advice you give to your students when they’re stuck on something: to take a break!”

“Ah… you remember the advice I give to them… how thoughtful.”

“Besides,” the upbeat tone Crowley once had quickly changed to a more cold one, “they seem so happy here and might even wish to remain here. After all, who’d want to leave?

Ouch.

The dangerous glint in Crowley’s eyes at those words made you gulp and turn around without a sound, the hands holding onto the sides of the box shaking slightly. Not once has Crowley ever taken that tone with you, the only perk of being the object of his affection. You have witnessed him speaking to others like that, but it was much more different to be on the receiving end of it. Thankfully, there was a phone ring that came to the rescue.

Picking up the device off your bed your eyes widened at the name on screen.

Supreme Fairy University.

Why was the school you were transferring to calling you just a week before you would officially be there? Regardless, you needed to answer them. Looking back at the raven-haired man over your shoulder you told him who it was.

Crowley was uncharacteristically quiet as he nodded, eyeing the device in your hand with wide, unblinking eyes. You would’ve questioned this behavior of his if you weren’t so interested in finding out what the call was for. Clearing your throat, you hit ‘accept and lifted it to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this (First name) (Last name) from the Night Raven College?”

“Yes, that’s correct. I was recently offered to come teach at your school and am supposed to be arriving within a week. Is everything ok?”

“I see. Well, while we were thrilled to have you join us we, unfortunately, have to recline our previous offer.”

“W-what?”

“You are not going to be teaching at the Supreme Fairy University, Mx. (Last name).”

You couldn’t believe this. A while back, when they first came to you, they expressed heavy interest in having you come work for them, even adding more benefits when you told them you’d think about it. So what was with the sudden change of mind?!

“Thank you for willing to work with us, we hope you have a great rest of the day. Please do not contact us again.”

“W-wait!”

But the person on the other end already hung up, leaving more questions than answers. Who the hell ends a call asking to not contact them? Had you done something wrong??

“(First name)? Is everything alright?”

A hand rested itself on your shoulder, little metal claws digging into it as Crowley turned you around. He let out a gasp that was a little too staged when he caught sight of your face.

“Oh, dear! You’re crying!”

You… were?

A shaky hand to your cheek made you realize that he was right; you were crying. Why? Were you really that excited to be working at the other school? Or…

“Come, come! Sit down, tell me what happened.”

Making space on your bed, Crowley lead you down to the mattress with a hand wrapped around your shoulder while the other was wrapped around your hand, his thumb rubbing over it. Somehow, this made you cry even harder.

Maybe you were just that desperate to get away from him.

Crowley kept shushing you, his cold breath hitting your ear as he brought his head close to yours, the hand once wrapped around your shoulder now caressing your hair.

“Calm down, my dear. I never inten—expected to have this happen. Why don’t you tell Crowley what happened?”

You would’ve. You really would’ve, but with how much you were sobbing and hiccuping you found it hard to.

This just made Crowley bring you closer to him, practically nuzzling your head as his hand intertwined itself between your fingers, the metal tips on his digging into your skin, yet he paid no attention to that, he instead seemed much more focused on being as close to you as possible.

“Don’t worry, take your time. I promise, I will never leave your side so you will never be alone. Aren’t I so kind?”

#twst #twisted wonderland #yandere #dire crowley #yandere twst #yandere x you #yandere x reader #twst x you #crowley #crowley x reader #dire crowley x reader #x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #crowley convinced the sfu to not take you by walking in and saying ‘you ever seen a grown man cry?’ /j #plume yandere #plume writings

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babyboibucky · 4 years ago

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Should’ve Known Better

Pairing: EB!Frank x Reader

Summary: You should have known better than to sleep with a friend.

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: Smut, FWB set-up, a little bit of toxic shit, angst

A/N: Frank got the most votes when I asked which other Seb character I should write for, so here it is! This is very personal to me lmfao it’s somewhat based on my own experience that really fucked me up a couple of years ago aksncajscna no but for real, stay away from the friends with benefits kind of relationship if you can’t keep shit purely sexual lmao also some guys are just fucking assholes even if they’re your friend lol

ALSO, I tagged those who are in my Everything Bucky Tag List. I’m not sure if I’ll write more Frank in the future too so I won’t be creating a separate tag list for him yet.

MAIN MASTERLIST

"Do you love me?"

It was a simple question that was supposed to make you think. Given your experiences and your personality in general, you were supposed to cringe and ignore it. Maybe even make a joke out of it, especially that it was Frank who was asking you this question.

He wasn't supposed to ask it too. He wasn't one to ask such thing, not especially with the relationship that the both of you have. It was clear from the get go that this was nothing serious.

So why was he asking it now?

And why did you respond to it right away, as if you knew your answer even before he asked?

"Come on, it'll be fun."

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"I'll make you feel good, you won't regret this."

It did feel good, you were going to give Frank that. Possibly the best, even. But the latter part? You weren't so sure. Were you regretting it? Honestly, no.

Maybe not yet.

You'd rather not think about it for now.

"What's there to lose? We know each other too much to develop feelings anyway, you said so yourself."

Oh there's plenty to lose. Maybe a decade's worth of platonic (was it really platonic from the beginning though?) friendship. Your self-esteem was on the line too, but you didn't know it yet. You'll get there though, whether you like it or not.

"I'm free next Friday, come over. Spend the night with me. What do you say?"

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"Next Friday. I'll see you, okay?"

You should've said no. You should have known better.

"Ugh, fine."

But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

That first night with Frank was something else. It was fun and he kept his promise to make you feel good. So, so good. You never thought that sex could be that fucking good. At least, not with your previous partners. Not that you had many in the first place.

But god, Frank knew what he was doing and he loved doing things to you. He loved the entire process of knowing your body, what you liked and what you loved. How you liked to be kissed and touched and fucked.

He studied your body like his fucking life depended on it and you let him. You let him own your body because you needed someone to. You needed to feel something, wanted to have a purpose even for just a short while, even if it meant being someone's fuck buddy.

You felt lost for the longest time, but as you laid on Frank's bed with his tongue lapping up your cunt, you actually felt like you belonged somewhere.

You weren't a booty call, definitely not. And when things escalated between the both of you, Frank was already single and had broken off with his recent girlfriend, Daphne. You weren't a doormat nor a side chick. Frank had been your friend for the longest time, one of your closest actually. He knew you the best and not just physically. Frank knew the darkest parts of you the same way you knew him like the back of your hand. He was the most open to you, he said so himself.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." he told you one time.

Frank wasn't afraid to show you his true colors; how he wasn't the kind to settle for one or how he would often end up with someone immature or toxic. He himself was toxic and for the most part, you tolerated him.

That was the mistake on your part.

You let him be himself, that's why you held a special place in his heart. Not even his past girlfriends could get rid of you. You were untouchable.

"Are you sure she's fine with us going out?" you asked Frank one time, as the both of you headed to the movies.

He scoffed, "Yeah, don't worry. I already told her you're my best friend. You're off limits." he chuckled as he placed his hand on the small of your back, guiding you inside the cinema.

"You're fine." he reassured again, this time wrapping his arm around your shoulder and then cradling your head playfully.

Looking back, you sometimes ponder whether the friendship was really platonic. You were sure of it when the both of you first became friends; he was a couple of years older than you. You sort of looked up to him like an older brother for the first few years of your relationship. And he was very caring too, always looking out for you.

Your other friends were the first one to notice the closeness. They often told you that Frank seemed to have a thing for you. You brushed it off though, saying that it was impossible.

His girlfriend then was an acquaintance of yours. She was nice and wasn't bothered by how Frank was affectionate towards you.

Indeed, you were untouchable. You were the best friend after all.

"We fought again."

You rolled your eyes at Frank as he sat across from you at a local coffee shop near your place. It was your birthday and as always, you spent the most part of it with Frank.

It was like a tradition already, to celebrate your birthday with Frank first before you went out with your friends. Or even family. It was that kind of friendship.

"I'm sorry but who are we talking about again?" you joked.

Frank made a face, "Daphne." he responded. "I just told you about her like, two days ago."

You snickered, "I was kidding. But honestly though, you have to stop flirting with other girls. It's been really difficult for me to keep track of your record, Frank. And are you and Daphne even official?" you asked, taking a sip from your cold brew.

He rubbed his chin and shrugged, "Sorta. Well, we were official two weeks ago. Now though, I'm not so sure. Here's the thing, Daphne can be really..." he said, trying to search for the right words.

You hummed and shook your head, "Immature?" you said and mindlessly scrolled through your phone.

"You should really stop dating girls who are immature, Frank. I swear to god, this is like...I don't know, the fifth time you dated someone like her? Why don't you settle for someone who actually acts her age?" you blurted out.

Frank groaned and transferred to the seat next to you, his body facing yours and his hand landing on your thigh. You didn't mind, didn't think it was too touchy or intimate for someone who was in a relationship. It was pretty common for Frank to be this touchy with you anyway, you never paid much attention to it nor given it any malice.

"We fought because of you actually." Frank admitted with an apologetic smile.

Your head snapped towards him, a scowl etched on your face. "What did I do?!" you asked in defense.

"It was my fault. Daph saw your photo inside my wallet." he said.

"You should really throw away that photo. Jesus, why do you still have it anyway?" you complained.

Frank scoffed, "That's my favorite photo of you. I don't wanna get rid of it."

That was the last day that you considered your friendship with Frank platonic.

Come over

I miss u xoxo

Miss eating u out

Miss ur moans, wanna hear them again

You groaned at the continuous notifications that flooded your phone. While you were at work. After that first night with Frank, he had gotten extra clingy. No lies though, it felt nice to be wanted like this.

im free nxt Sat

Yay

Cant wait to see u, missed u a lot

dude, we were at the mall together just last wk

U really dont get attached do u?

Frowning at Frank's reply, you honestly didn't understand what he was implying.

what u mean?

Nothing

Work kept you busy for the entire week, with Frank bombarding you with sweet texts. You've avoided being sweet with him, it felt wrong. You weren't an affectionate person but Frank was, it was sort of one-sided. It wasn't a big deal anyway.

No one from the rest of your friends knew what had become of your friendship with Frank. You just thought it wasn't something that should be revealed. It was like your and Frank's little secret. You had to admit, the thrill only made the sex better.

Whenever the both of you went out with other people, the tension was there and it was fun. It was fun trying to brush off the way Frank's hand would steal touches from your waist, or how he'd subtly squeeze your thigh. The looks you exchanged from across the room; how Frank's "fuck me" eyes were meant for you and only you.

Things like that made you feel a certain type of way. But you never dwelled on it, or at least, you thought you didn't.

"Yeah, fuck...just like that, baby."

Frank's fingers dug deeply into the skin of your ass as he guided your hips. You gripped onto the back of the couch as you bounced on his cock, head thrown back from pleasure as Frank suckled one of your nipples. You could feel each of his fingers pressing down against your skin, it's probably going to leave bruises again.

"Frank, shit. I'm close." you panted against the skin of his neck, your arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him close.

Frank grunted and took your face in between his palms, forcing you to look at him as he began to thrust his hips upwards, eliciting a high-pitched whimper from you.

"Wanted to see you like this ever since." he breathed out, pressing his lips against your open mouth.

"Wanted you since we met, d'you know that?" he asked, grabbing a fistful of your hair and tugging your head back so he could nibble on your throat.

You shook your head and gripped his shoulders, nails scratching at his skin as you continued to ride his cock, "God, Frank...so close." you moaned.

You felt Frank's lips curl into a smirk against your neck, his fingers gripping your hair to keep you in place as his other hand slipped in between your bodies, finding your clit and rubbing it to help you reach your climax.

Every single time he touched you, you felt like your entire body was on fire. You felt the most alive, the most free whenever Frank fucked you. Maybe because he was truly gifted in bed or maybe he just knew your body and how to make it sing.

Or maybe it was because of the way he looked at you whenever you fall apart for him. Like he only had eyes for you, like it was only you that he could see.

Sweaty bodies and hoarse voices, the smell of smoke and sex lingering in the air. It was such a familiar ambiance by now. You liked how the aftermath of fucking Frank was never awkward, if any, it was a comfortable experience with the both of you just talking casually about how each other's day went.

"So I'm talking to this girl..." Frank said, turning you around so he could spoon you. Oh, the irony of the intimacy and conversation.

"Where'd you meet this girl?" you asked.

"Tinder." Frank snorted before pressing a kiss on your nape. "No, but she's different. I don't know, there's something about her."

You merely hummed in response.

"Think I might ask her out."

The first sting. The first realization. The first denial.

You should've said no. You should've known better.

The art exhibit wasn't a flop, but you wouldn't call it a success either. When you got a call from the organizer asking whether they can include your paintings in the exhibit, you said yes instantly. What can you say? You were a struggling artist who was seeking validation.

But now that you stood in front of your works with barely ten people attending the one-day exhibit, you thought that this wasn't a validation. It felt like a wake up call that maybe, art wasn't your calling and that you should probably give up on your dream.

"These are amazing."

You were on the verge of breaking down when you heard his voice. Turning around, you were surprised to see Frank. He was nodding his head as he approached you, his eyes scanning each of your painting.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had work." you asked.

Frank gave you a face, "Did you really think I'd miss out on your first exhibit?" he said and pulled you into a warm embrace.

"I'm proud of you." he whispered before kissing the crown of your head.

One validation from Frank was all it took for the walls to crumble down. He was the one who had been there for you all along and that was why you completely trusted him.

Frank will never hurt you, he'll never bring you down.

Or so you thought.

"Do you love me?"

It was a question that was supposed to make you think. But you didn't, because even before Frank decided to ask you that, you already had your answer.

You knew your answer for the longest time now, but decided to lock it into a box that you kept in the deepest part of your heart. It remained there unbothered and almost forgotten, up until this point.

That's why it was so easy for you to respond to it without even batting an eye.

"Yes."

It was too late when you realized that you had just admitted that you were in love with Frank. But you felt like it was the right time for you to bring out the key to that box, open it and just set your truth free.

They said that the truth will set you free, but why does it feel like it only imprisoned you?

"Shit, I was kidding." Frank said, his face panicked and body stiff from your unexpected admission.

Before you could even say something, Frank let out a nervous laugh as he ran his hand through his locks. "Wow, I didn't...are you serious?" he asked again.

It took you everything to brush off the pain, "Yeah, but it's no big deal. Come on." you shook your head and forced out a breathy chuckle.

Frank heaved out a deep sigh, "Fuck, I was messing with you. Are you sure it's fine? I mean, would this change anything?" he asked.

You deadpanned, "No, Frank. It wouldn't change anything. Like I said, get over it. It's not like I'm in love with you. I just love you...if that makes sense? You're my friend." you explained, more like lied.

"Look, it's not like I'm unattracted to you. I like you, I like spending time with you. It's just that I sort of don't see myself committing to you."

It didn't sink in to you immediately, Frank's statement. You didn't pay it any mind because again, you knew Frank. He wasn't one to commit so that was fine, you understand where he was coming from. It's not like you were going to force yourself on him too. But then you accidentally glanced at his phone and saw the messages he'd been exchanging with a certain someone.

When r u coming home?

In a little while, Daph

That night, Frank's statement hit you like a ton of bricks but again, you chose to deny what you actually felt. It's fine.

You're fine.

You should've said no. You should've known better.

Those words rang in your ears on the day that you found out. Your body turned cold, your vision blurred and your head spun. You'd never experienced hurt and anger like this, the kind that consumed you.

The kind that made you realized and admit that fuck, you'd truly fallen for Frank only for him to break your heart.

It didn't help that you were having such a terrible day at work. And Frank was so sweet to ask you whether you wanted to meet up with him. Not for sex, but to talk. The sex came rarely recently and was replaced with wholesome trips to the grocery, shit like that.

You knew there was something special going on. Even after he told you that he didn't see himself being with you, there was something.

Apparently, that something was just an assumption. Because when you asked Frank to meet you up that night, he said he couldn't and needed to be somewhere. That he'd meet with you the next day instead, a promise.

But then you saw him post a photo of him and Daphne. And it made your blood boil.

u back together?

No. Not really, been trying to fix it but u know how it is.

if ur trying to fix it with her then im out, frank

Wait what? Hey, are u mad?

r u fucking serious? u knew i love u and u come here parading ur ex, what the fuck is that all abt?

Shit, hey. Look, let's talk later, okay? Im out, will txt u when Im free.

Frank didn't text you back for the rest of the day.

You should've said no. You should've known better. But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

Were you regretting it? Yes. Sometimes.

You didn't know which hurt the most, the fact that Frank kept you in the dark while he was trying to patch things up with his ex, or that he considered you his best friend and still chose to break your heart.

He knew you the best, your relationship and trust issues and out of all the people, he really had to be the one to fuck you up the most. You trusted him so much, trusted him not to hurt you. Hell, if he doesn't want to commit then that's fine. But for him to treat you like a second option? Fuck that.

For him to confuse you with his actions, the intimacy...were all of those even real? All the times he came to your support when you had no one, when he was there for you on days you felt alone. What were those? He made you feel so fucking special, like it was possible to actually turn the friendship into something more than just fucking.

All this time you thought it was one-sided because you never actually showed Frank how much you meant to him the same way he did to you. Turned out that it was one-sided, but only because you were the only one who fell.

The following day, you received a voicemail from Frank. You pondered whether you were ready to listen to it but at the same time, you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was pretty stupid, he fucked you up and there was no excuse for that. But the friendship you had with him had a strong hold on you.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. That was my mistake." he started off. "I thought that this was really just sex and having fun, but I want you to know that I like you. I really do, you're special to me. Please give me a chance to make things right. Daph and I...I want to end things with her. Please stay, I don't know what I'd do without you."

“I just didn’t expect that you’d end up falling for me, I mean shit. You know the real me, how fucked up I am when it comes to relationships. Just please...please stay?”

Did you stay? Sort of. But you kept your distance, didn't meet up with Frank after that and only responded to his texts occasionally. Did he end things with Daph?

He didn't.

He said he would but instead, they got back together.

It was fucking selfish of Frank to ask for you to stay only for him to get back together with his ex. It'd be better for him to just slap you in the face then.

Being told that he couldn't see himself committing to you but then going back with his ex was the cherry on top. God, if that didn't mess up with your self-worth.

You totally stopped talking to Frank, ignored his texts and calls. You stayed away from him, tried to get over him and eventually, you did. But you'd be lying if you said that he never left an effect on you. Because he did, Frank did a number on you and it would take you a long fucking time to completely recover from the damage he inflicted on you.

You should've said no. You should've known better. But you said yes because you didn't know any better.

And that's okay, because there's nothing wrong with taking risks and ending up in heartbreak.

You live, you love and you learn.

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii @jessou893 @stealapizzamyheart @bagelofthelord @mxnt @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @jeeperky @ohladymacbeth @wildflowergubler @supraveng @twinerd14 @buckysmar @bakugouswh0r3 @sweetcoldharmony @wintersfilm @charminivy @amelia-song-pond @iamvalentinaconstanza @mcubqrnes @i’m-squished @tcc-gizmachine @sipsteacasually @prettyintopeerpressure @weloveyasmin @est19xxshit @bloodhon3yx @dressed-in-prada @lizette50 @thatfangirl42 @sunflowerbunny2 @unmagically @okiegirl24 @sugarpunch-princess @enlyume @vvipgotbb @slimeyderp @lyoongx @just-deka @nobody-will @jaziona92 @elisebuitron @dpaccione @suvikamahes98blr @buckybarneshairpullingkink @earthtonav @x-judyjude-x @nani-kenobi @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @belladonnabarnes @iloveangstposts @weenersoldierr @asemistablehundredyearoldman @reidbuck @lizzarooni @girlfriday007 @bonkywobble @lost-in-the-stars03 @its-yasbxtch @whoth3hellisbucky

#bbb writes #oneshots: eb frank #endings beginnings #frank endings beginnings #sebastian stan

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poisoned-peppermint · 4 years ago

Text

Part 4 of incorrect quotes because i feel obligated to make more due to the sheer number of people who liked it

Dream: My dearest beloved fuckos, is a fun, gender-neutral way to begin a speech

George: See also, esteemed bastards

Bad: Gentlefolk, Ferals, and Domesticated cryptids.

Sapnap: My fellow yees and haws

~~~~~~~

Techno:Hey I know skyrim is revered as a classic but are we just going to ignore the fact that the entire game only had like 3 voice actors

Wilbur:Stop right there criminal cum

Techno:My ancestors are smiling at me, bastard, can you say the same

~~~~~~~

Foolish:When's your bedtime :)

Purpled: Whenever I next collapse in purely up to the gods

~~~~~~

Ranboo:Human skin is a fursuit for skeletons

Tubbo: i’m going to debone you like a fucking trout

~~~~~~

Bad:You’re enough

Bad: love yourself!!!!!!! or suffer my wrath!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream:And by wrath I mean love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad:no I mean wrath!!!!! You reading this, if you don't love yourself I’ll beat you with a stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~

Bad:I hope everyone is today well! And tomorrow!!!! After that you’re on your own.

~~~~~~

Bad:what am I supposed to do all day while you’re at work

Skeppy:I don’t know, what do you normally do while I’m gone

Bad: wait for you to get back

~~~~~~

Velvet:For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5am on the day I can sleep in

Ant:Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Velvet:Early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch

~~~~~~

Tubbo: 3:23 AM make a wish

Ranboo: I wish that you would go to sleep

Tuddo: Yeah well I wish I grew an inch taller every day as you get an inch shorter until you’re as flat as as a piece of paper and I’m 11 feet tall

Ranboo: You’re going to die of a mixture of skeletal instability and heart disease.

Tubbo: Yeah but I’ll look good while doing it.

~~~~~~

Bad:Disrespect me again and I’ll determine your bodies resonant frequency and play a jaunty horn solo that boils your miserable organs inside out

~~~~~~

Quackity: If I were dating you? Well, heh. Let’s just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore

Karl: hey what the honk does this mean…..I’m shaking what does this mean!

~~~~~~

Skeppy: Are you ok?

Bad wrapped in a burrito blanket drinking his 6th cup of coffee: Yes, this is exactly what mental stability looks like

~~~~~~

Sam: My hands are cold

Ponk: *holds their hands*

Ponk: better?

Sam: My lips are cold too

~~~~~~

George at dream’s funeral: can I have a moment alone with them?

Sapnap: of course *leaves*

George leaning over dream’s casket: Now listen, I know you’re not dead.

Dream: yeah no shit

~~~~~~

Skeppy, jokingly: I should have Bad kill you for that.

Bad, peering around the corner: Who do I need to kill?

Skeppy: Wh- no, I was just kidding around.

Bad, pulling out a switchblade: No, who’s bothering you

~~~~~~

Bad *watching the news*: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium.

Skeppy *covered in ink*: Maybe the squirt was being a dick.

~~~~~~

Peacock: *spreads feathers at Bad*

Skeppy: It’s trying to attract a mate

Bad, extremely confused: *shyly lifts top*

Skeppy: No!

~~~~~~

Sapnap: Karl, do you eat olives? My dad wants to know

Karl: No, I hate olives. Olives are the spawn of satan. I hate olives so much my mom forced me to live in Mount olive for the rest of my childhood as a curse from the olive gods. Do you understand how much olives have ruined my life? I'm so offended that you asked me that have some consideration for people who have been abused by olives please!

Sapnap: K A R L ……….they’re just olives!!?

Karl: JUST OLIVES EXCUSE!

~~~~~~

Tommy: If you’re bored you can simply close your eyes and rotate a cow in your mind. It’s free and the cops can’t stop you

~~~~~~

Wilbur: is there anyone even named sheldon irl?

Tubbo: my class turtle from 6th grade :)

Wilbur: that’s a turtle

Tubbo: When god sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?

~~~~~~

Ranboo: No bcuz why do ppl like salad?? What’s so good about it

Tubbo: chew leaf like god intended

Ranboo: No

Tubbo: Abandon god and see what he does next time you lift your hands in prayer

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Wilbur, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

~~~~~~

Quackity: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’.

~~~~~~

Puffy: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Bad: Sex.

Skeppy: Seriously, answer faster.

Bad: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.

Skeppy: It’s like a giant hug.

Puffy: Ant, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Ant: Food.

Puffy: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?

Ant: ……...Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.

Gumi: What about you Velvet? What would you give up sex or food?

Velvet: Oh… um… I don’t know, it’s too hard.

Gumi: No, you gotta pick one.

Velvet: Um, food… no, sex… no, food…sex… food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want Antfrost on bread!

~~~~~~~

Tommy, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

~~~~~~~

Bad: Why are you guys acting like this?

Boomer: Oh, we’re not acting. We really are like this.

~~~~~~

Techno: Dream has only knocked me out three times this week. Our friendship is really developing.

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re pathetic!

Wilbur: You’re pathetic-er!

Techno: You’re both losers.

~~~~~~

Bad: I wish I could help you, but I shorn’t.

Skeppy: Bad, please!

Bad: What part of shorn’t don’t you understand?

~~~~~~

Tubbo: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for Michal?

Ranboo: They need to learn how to protect us.

~~~~~~

Antfrost: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.

~~~~~~

Bad: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Skeppy: Go the fuck to sleep Bad!

Bad: LANGUAGE!!

~~~~~~

Ranboo: Tubbo, please calm down.

Tubbo: I asked for two large fries!

Tubbo: *dumps fries onto table*

Tubbo: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

~~~~~~

Bad: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Skeppy: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

~~~~~~

Wilbur: When you’ve been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Tommy: Navy blue isn’t your color.

Wilbur: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Tommy*

~~~~~~

Bad: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Puffy: Where did you get that?.

Bad: My pocket.

Puffy: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Bad: Skills.

~~~~~~

Tubbo: I will come to your house after work and knock on your window at 11 AM. You will not open the curtains, knowing full well what awaits you, but the knocking only grows louder, more demanding. Finally it stops, your ears ringing. You nervously let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. You're safe now. Minutes pass by and you start to relax. And then you hear a knock at the front door. Like before, you stay still and clutch the blankets around you. You try to tell your self that it's just your imagination. Maybe the milk man? But why would he come so late? Everyone else was asleep, save for Naomi who was playing video games down stairs. To your relief, the knocking stops after a few. Minutes and you breath easy once more. Until you hear a knock on your bedroom door. You don't move. It's just your imagination. She isn't here. She can't be here. You tell yourself, shutting your eyes and willing yourself to sleep. The knock comes again, but with horror you realize that it came from the closet inside your room. You know that you have no choice. You get up, climbing out of bed with shaking limbs. You walk to the closest, trembling, and holding back the tears threatening to spill over your porcelain cheeks. You hesitate with your hand over the closet handle. Maybe it's just your imagination? She's not really there. You can go to sleep and laugh it off in the morning. Your naive thoughts are cut off by another, more demanding knock on the closet door, inches from your face. You know what you have to do. You open the closet door, and there she stands. Chuck e cheese, the mouse looms over you in the dim light. It's soulless eyes boor into you. It raises its arms, and you flinch as it begins to floss at lightning speed. Tears spill over your cheeks. This is the last thing you'll ever see.

Ranboo: Wait, Chuck e cheese’s pronouns are she/her? Trans Chuck e cheese? Good for her.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Would you like something to drink? *They opened the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Quackity: Spiders?

Bad: Spiders it is then.

Quackity: No, that wasn’t-

*But they were already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders…

~~~~~~

Puffy : Make her pussy wet not her eyes.

Velvet : Make his dick hard not his life.

Punz : Break her bed not her heart.

Skeppy : Play with his boobs not his feelings.

Ant : Get on his dick not his nerves.

Bad : Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

~~~~~~~

Wilbur: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!

Tommy: Bet you I can!

Phil: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

~~~~~~~

Ant: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Ponk: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Skeppy: Badboyhalo bath water.

Bad: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

~~~~~~~~

Fundy: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Wilbur: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Mint is just cold spicy.

Pummel party Squad: …

Gumi: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

~~~~~~~~

Quackity: Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

Phil:

Phil: Why are you eating dirt?

Tommy: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Quackity: You’re too young to have enemies.

Tubbo: You don’t even know.

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Puffy: What’s up your ass this morning!

Bad: *walks in* …Hi!!

Puffy: Hmm… nevermind.

Skeppy: WAIT NO!

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Ha! Don’t you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?

Skeppy: I must be losing it, I’m quoting Bad.

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Bad, I sense hostility.

Bad: Good, because I hate you

~~~~~~~

Bad: Are you a painting?

Skeppy: What-?

Bad: Because I want to pin you to a wall.

Skeppy: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG ME OR SOMETHING-

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re giving me a sticker?

Phil: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Tommy: I’m not a preschooler.

Phil: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Tommy: I earned this, back off!

~~~~~~

Dream, sweating: George, there’s something I need to ask you-

George: Finally! You’re proposing!

Dream: How’d you know?

George: Dream, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

George: I even picked it up once

~~~~~~~~

*Bad and Skeppy looking at a locked gate into a park*

Bad: Aw. :(

Skeppy: You know what they say.

Bad: Please don’t-

Skeppy: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*

Bad: Frick-

~~~~~~~~

let me know if ya’ll want more <3

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americasass91 · 4 years ago

Text

His Kind of Beautiful

Hello lovely people! I don’t even know where to begin here. My ex popped up as a friend I may know on Facebook the other day. Of course it brought up all these memories. (I’ve been with my husband for over a decade so this ex was from way back when.) Anyways, I couldn’t help but think back to when and why we broke up. We worked together (that was a mistake) and I was chatting with one of our coworkers. The guy looked at me and was like ‘I don’t want to get in the middle of anything but your boyfriend said something about you the other day and it bothered me.’ I told him to tell me what he said. ‘He said you weren’t pretty enough to blow him.’ (Fun fact! I had already blown him a few times by this point.) So of course I thought my life was ruined. I mean I was only 17/18. I called him right away and asked him if it was true. The fucker didn’t even deny it! He was like I was just joking around. So I told him since I wasn’t pretty enough to blow him, I wasn’t pretty enough to date him either. That’s the last time I spoke to him.

Anyways! That’s what inspired this little fic. I know we all go through days where we don’t feel pretty or beautiful. But you know what? We are all beautiful no matter what! Please if you ever feel less than that and need to talk, I am here and willing to listen! Nobody should go through life feeling anything less than beautiful.

So I knew I needed to somehow incorporate this into a fic. At first I was going to go with Steve but I took a look at my Masterlist and realized I only had one Andy fic on there. That’s just despicable! So without any further ado, please enjoy this fic with our lovely, handsome floofy haired lawyer daddy!

Rating: Explicit (Like I could write something that doesn’t involve sex with Andrew)

Words: 5.3k

Warnings: Language, fingering, unprotected sex(Remember: Sex is cleaner with a packaged weiner), and just Andy being fluffy

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

You honestly didn’t even know why you had agreed to this. You hated first dates in general, let alone a blind date.

But your friend, Jane, assured you this guy was handsome and nice and worth your time to go out with.

So, you pulled a blue dress from your closet that you’d only worn maybe twice in your life and actually did your eye makeup.

After getting fully ready you take one last look at yourself in the mirror. For once you didn’t hate the woman staring back at you. This dress happened to accentuate your curves and the color of your eyeshadow made your eyes pop. You wouldn’t necessarily say you were pretty, but you looked decent.

You slip on your heels and grab your purse and head out of your apartment. As you go to lock your door, the apartment door behind you opens.

“Good evening, neighbor.”

You turn around with a smile on your face and return the greeting to your sinfully handsome neighbor, Andy.

He can’t help but notice how pretty you look. “Where are you going all dressed up?”

You blush and start heading towards the elevator together. “Oh, my friend set me up on a blind date. I’m nervous. Haven’t been on a date in awhile.”

He presses the button for the lobby. “Blind date, huh? Yeah I went on one of those recently. First date since the divorce. It was...interesting.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as you both headed into the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby. You turn towards him. “Interesting, how?”

“Well, for starters, she was almost an hour late. Then when she showed up, she didn’t even apologize for being late. She just sat down and demanded the waiter bring her a cocktail. By snapping her fingers at him.”

The elevator doors open. You head into the lobby and notice Andy following you. “So I think it’s safe to say you aren’t calling her for a second date?” He opens the door to the outside for you. You smile in thanks and head out into the warm evening air of Boston.

He rolls his eyes as he follows you onto the street and hails down a cab. “Absolutely not.” He gestures for you to take the cab.

You look at him confused. “Don’t you need one?”

He waves you off. “Nah, I’m heading to pick up Jake to take him to dinner. He finally found some time to fit his old man into his ‘busy’ teenager schedule.” He heads towards his Audi you now realize is parked in front of the building right behind your cab.

You scoff at him as you open the cab door. “Old man? Oh, please. You can’t be more than what? 38?”

He opens the door to his own vehicle and smirks at you. “Try 43, sweetheart. Hey! Good luck on your date!” He waves and gets into his car. You return the wave and get into the cab and give the driver the address to the restaurant and try to get your mind off of how good Andy’s ass looked in the jeans he was wearing.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

You arrived at the restaurant with a few minutes to spare. You wanted to get there a little early so you could get a drink from the bar and calm your nerves.

You find a seat away from the other patrons and order a glass of wine. You scan your eyes over the room to see if your date has arrived yet. You weren’t entirely sure what he looked like but you knew he was going to be wearing a red shirt.

The bartender sets your wine in front of you. You hand over a 10 dollar bill and tell him to keep the change. As you sip your wine, you check your phone for the time. 7:02. You’re about ready to text your friend to ask if your date is normally late when you feel a tap on your shoulder.

You turn around and look up at who you assume to be your date for the evening. He was handsome. Not as handsome as Andy, but handsome enough.

He gives you a small smile. “Hi, are you Y/N?”

You nod your head with a smile. “Yes, hi! It’s nice to meet you. You must be Jason?” You then gesture to the seat next to you. “Would you like to have a drink before we get a table?”

He nods once and takes a seat next to you and flags down the bartender to order a scotch.

The bartender sets the drink in front of him. Jason thanks him and pays for his drink.

You can feel the awkwardness start to creep in. And when that happens, you tend to get chatty.

“So, what do you do for a living?” You smile hoping to ease the tension building.

He turns to look you up and down. And not subtly. He shakes his head in disapproval and downs his drink before standing up. “Listen, I’m sorry but I can’t do this. Jane lied to me.”

You can’t help the confused look that crosses your face. “She lied to you? How?”

He gives you another not so subtle once over. “She told me you were beautiful. And no offense, but I just don’t see it.”

You can’t help the jaw drop. Sure you knew you weren’t gorgeous but damn. You’d never had a man be bold enough to actually say it to your face. “So, you’re just gonna leave? Not even give me a chance because I’m not your version of beautiful?”

He scoffs and checks out a girl that walks by the two of you. “What can I say? I’ve got standards that you just don’t meet.”

You feel like you’ve just been punched in the gut. That’s it. You’re fucking done. You reach behind you and grab your wine glass and throw the drink in his face.

You grab your purse and head towards the door. You turn back to face him. “I may not meet your ‘beauty standards’ but at least I’m not an asshole!” With that you flip him off and head outside to hail a cab to head back home.

You manage to make it almost all the way home before the tears start to fall. Sure he was a stranger and his opinion didn’t matter. But it still fucking hurt that he didn’t want you and didn’t even think you were pretty enough to share a meal with. Your self esteem already sucked and this asshole sure as hell didn’t make it any better.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

The blue dress goes in the trash as soon as you step into your apartment. You take off your nice lace bra you had put on. You take your makeup off with a wipe and pull your hair up in a ponytail. You throw on some hello kitty pajama shorts and a t- shirt that’s at least 2 sizes too big for you.

Then you head into your kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine from a bottle you keep in the fridge for emergencies. You think this classifies as one.

You grab your phone off the counter and call your favorite Chinese place. You order double what you normally do because nobody wants to sleep with you. Might as well eat whatever the fuck you wanted. God, you can’t believe you shaved your legs for that asshole.

The lady on the phone lets you know it’ll be at least an hour. You give her your card number and thank her before refilling your now empty glass.

As you’re sitting on the couch waiting for your food, you can’t help but replay the events of the evening. Then that takes you into a downward spiral as you think back to all of your exes.

Come to think of it, they’ve all left you for one reason or another. A majority of them cheated with someone way prettier than you. Wow, maybe you were the problem. Clearly you were going for guys out of your league.

Maybe you needed to reevaluate the standards you had. Which quite frankly, wasn’t much. You just wanted them to not be a serial killer.

Perhaps you should just give up on dating. You were perfectly happy alone. Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be for you.

Before your thoughts could spiral anymore, your doorbell rang. You glance at your phone. Damn that hour flew by.

You grab $10 out of your purse for a tip and open your door. As you’re grabbing the bags and thanking the delivery guy, Andy steps out of the elevator with confusion written all over his face. “Hey, Y/N. Thought you had a date?”

You could almost feel the tears trying to well up again. No, you weren’t going to cry. Especially in front of your handsome neighbor.

“Yeah, it uh, didn’t work out. Shit happens.”

He puts his key in the lock and opens his door then turns to look at you. “Not your type?”

You can’t help the rush of air that leaves your mouth. “Not exactly. I wasn’t his. Apparently Jane, our mutual friend, told him I was beautiful and well. He didn’t agree with her.”

Andy furrows his brows and cocks his head to the side. “What? Was he blind or something?”

You shake your head. “Nope. I just wasn’t up to his standards.”

Andy mumbles something under his breath. “Well, I’m sorry. Some guys can be real assholes.”

You wave him off. “No need to apologize. I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.”

Andy shakes his head. “Still, I’m sorry. That really sucks. And he really said you weren’t beautiful to your face?”

You give him a sad smile and shrug your shoulders. “It’s okay, really. I’m used to not being wanted. Have a nice night, Andy.”

You turn and head back into your apartment before he has a chance to reply. You don’t need his pity. You just need to drown yourself in the rest of your wine and gorge yourself on the greasy Chinese.

Just as you set the food down on the counter, you hear a knock at your door.

Confused, you head over and open it to find Andy standing there. And he looks kinda pissed.

“What do you mean you’re used to not being wanted?”

You sigh and put your hands on your hips. “It’s not the first time some guy hasn’t wanted me and it won’t be the last.”

Andy shakes his head as he pushes his way inside and shuts the door with his foot. “There’s just something I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “And what’s that?”

He then proceeds to walk closer to you, forcing you backwards until your back touches the wall. He puts his hands on either side of your head and gazes down at you. You’ve never been this close to him before. You can feel his chest move against yours as he breathes. You can feel the heat radiating off of him.God, he smells good. You realize you’re not breathing and take a deep breath. He smiles down at you and takes his left hand to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear that had fallen free from your ponytail.

“That some moron would think that you’re not beautiful. He’s fuckin crazy, Y/N.”

Your breath hitches as his left hand has now grabbed the back of your neck to raise your lips towards his. You close your eyes, waiting for the inevitable kiss. “I guess I’m just not everyone’s kind of beautiful.”

He leans in, just barely brushing his lips against yours. “You’re my kind of beautiful.”

WIth that, he presses his lips to yours for a slow but intense kiss. You can’t help the moan that escapes your mouth. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him all the way up against you. He grunts when his hardening cock comes into contact with your soft belly.

After a few minutes of intense kisses that take your breath away, he pulls back and presses his forehead against yours. “Will you let me show you how beautiful I think you are?”

You don’t even need to think about it. “Yes, please.”

He smiles and leans in for one more quick kiss. “Take me to the bedroom, pretty girl.”

You quickly grab his hand and lead him down the hall towards your bedroom, making a quick stop in the kitchen to throw the Chinese food in the fridge.

Once in your room Andy spins you around and presses your back up against his front. He leans forward and starts placing soft kisses against your neck. His left hand rests at your waist while his right hand moves up under your shirt towards your breasts. “Is this okay, pretty girl?” His voice is so low and husky. Your panties didn’t even stand a chance.

You nod. “Yes, please. Touch me, Andy.”

He groans a little and reaches up to cup your right breast in his hand. You hear him let out a growl as he continues to fondle your breast. While his left hand makes its way into your shorts, brushing his finger over your clit. You jolt forward at the sensation, whimpering out in the process.

“You like that, pretty girl? Like my fingers on your little cunt?”

You grab a hold of his wrist and writhe against him as he lowers his fingers towards your entrance. He gathers your slick up before moving his fingers back towards your clit and starts slowly circling it.

“Fuck, Andy. Feels so good.”

“Yeah? You want my fingers inside you, baby?”

You quickly nod. “Please. Need to feel you.”

He lowers his hand back down to your entrance and slowly slides his middle finger against your walls. You arch your back and moan out his name as he starts pumping it slowly.

“Fuck, Y/N. You’re so tight. When’s the last time you’ve been touched, pretty girl?”

“Too long. Feels so good. I need more. Please.”

His index finger quickly joins the middle one. He starts pumping them in and out of you quicker, curling them just right so they rub up against your g spot. “Oh, fuck!” You can’t help but yell out at the feeling. It’s been so long since someone’s taken the time to pleasure you, let alone find your g spot. You could feel the coil tightening already. You were embarrassingly close and he hadn’t even really started yet.

“You gonna cum for me already, pretty girl? Do it. Make a mess on my fingers.”

He moves his thumb and starts circling your clit. Your legs start shaking. He presses his thumb down just a little harder and you’re gone. You cum with a shout of Andy’s name into the otherwise empty room.

He continues pumping his fingers in and out but removes his thumb from your clit, not wanting to overstimulate you too much. “Good girl. So fuckin’ pretty when you cum.”

You lower your head in embarrassment. He spins you around and places his finger under your chin so he can raise your head so you’re looking at him. “Don’t hide from me, pretty girl. I want to see everything.” He takes his left hand and raises it to his mouth, sucking your essence off of his fingers. He moans into his hand. “You taste so fucking sweet. Knew you would.”

He grabs your face to pull you in for a sweet kiss as he slowly pushes you towards the bed. The back of your knees touch your mattress before he pulls away. He smiles down at you as he grabs the hem of your shirt and pulls it up and off, tossing it somewhere in the room. His gaze then falls to your breasts. He licks his lips hungrily. Before he can get too caught up, he hooks his thumbs into your shorts and pulls them and your panties down and off your legs, helping you step out of them.

He stands back up and pulls you in for another kiss, your hands fall to his chest. You start to unbutton his shirt, revealing his chest to you a little at a time. You pull away to get the last few buttons and push his shirt over his shoulders and are surprised to see his chest and abdomen sprinkled with various tattoos. You never would’ve guessed. You can’t help but let your hand trace over a quote on his collarbone or onto the eagle covering his pec.

“I never would have pegged you for a tattoo guy. These are amazing.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I only have them where they can be covered up by clothes.” He grabs your wrists to stop your tracing. “You can trace all of them some other time, pretty girl. Right now, I need to be inside of you.”

You can’t help the shiver that runs down your spine at his words. His dirty talk was going to be the death of you.

He moves his hands towards his belt buckle and starts undoing it. You couldn’t help but notice the slight tremble to his hands. You place your hands on top of his and look at his face. “Hey, if you don’t want to do this, that’s ok.”

He looks into your eyes and gives you a shy smile. “No, I want to. God, do I want to. It’s just, I haven’t been with anyone since Laurie and I guess I’m a little nervous.”

You couldn’t help the pull you felt at your heart at his words. He was nervous. Thank god. So were you. This beautiful man wanted to sleep with you, of course you were nervous. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m nervous too. You’re kind of intimidating.”

He cocks his head to the side and furrows his brows. “Intimidating? Why is that?”

You remove your hands from his and gesture up and down his body. “Just look at you. You’re breathtaking, Andy. And I’m just me.” Your gaze falls down to your feet, unable to look at him.

He puts his finger under your chin and raises your head so that you’re forced to look at him. “Speak for yourself, pretty girl. You’re the breathtaking one.”

You scoff and roll your eyes. “Yeah, right.”

His gaze on you hardens just a little. He grabs your hand and places it over his pants against his erection. “Do you feel that? Feel what you do to me? Nobody but you can make me this hard, pretty girl. I’ve been in a constant state of arousal since I moved in, watching you coming in and out of your apartment in your tight skirts and almost see-through blouses. Making me go fuckin’ crazy.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything or make a move then?” Of course your self doubt was starting to creep in. Maybe this was him just wanting to get his dick wet. You needed to know.

He grabs your hands and brings your knuckles to his mouth, giving them a soft kiss. “Honestly? I thought there was no way in hell an old man like me would have a shot with a sweet thing like you.”

You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped your mouth. “Please. You’re only 43.”

He pulls you in for a sweet, lingering kiss. “Yeah, well. Probably too old for you. But after what you said to me, about how you’re used to not being wanted? I stopped caring how old I was. I needed to show you just exactly how much you’re wanted. So, can I still show you, pretty girl?”

You quickly nod your head and help him finish removing his pants, leaving him in just his black briefs. The fabric doing nothing to hide the outline of his hard cock. Jesus. He looked big. Bigger than anything you’ve taken. You couldn’t wait.

You quickly pulled his briefs over his hips and down his legs. His cock sprang free and smacked against his inked abdomen, making him hiss. You grab him at the base and slowly start pumping him, looking at his face for his reaction. His head is thrown back and his eyes are closed as he moans out your name at the feeling. His hands are gripping your hips.

You smear his precum that’s gathered at the tip and use that to help jerk him off a little faster. You tighten your grip as you pick up your pace, loving the sounds you're pulling from him. You start to go on your knees when he suddenly pulls you back up. You look at him in confusion. “If I let you continue, this will be over before it even starts. Gonna make me blow my load like an inexperienced teenager.”

You couldn’t help but feel proud of yourself but once again furrow your brows as Andy walks to the other side of the bed. He starts looking around in your nightstand. “Do you have any condoms?”

You shake your head. “I did but they expired. If you’re okay with it, I’m on birth control. And I got tested after my last partner and I’m clean.”

He pushes the drawer to the nightstand back in and climbs onto the bed and lays on his back, hand lazily stroking his cock. “I’m more than okay with that. I just had a full work up done. I’m healthy as well.”

You barely acknowledge what he said, unable to remove your eyes from his hand that’s wrapped around his cock. You pull your bottom lip in between your teeth and let out a little whimper. Andy chuckles at you. “Well, are you going to just stare at it, pretty girl? Or are you going to hop on my lap and get comfy?”

That gets your attention. You meet his gaze. “You want me on top?”

He nods. “Wanna be able to see all of you, baby girl.” He removes his hand from his cock and pats his thigh. “Come on, pretty girl. Ride me.”

Well that sight just caused a new wave of arousal to pool at your core. You had only been on top once before and it was only for a short time.

You place your knees gently on the bed and crawl the short way to him. You swing your left leg over him so that you're sitting right above where he wants you. You thread your hands through his hair and lean down for a heated kiss. You lick his bottom lip, wanting in. He doesn’t even hesitate to open his mouth to let you in.

He places his left hand on your hip while the other grabs his cock. He pushes your body down so that you’re hovering over it. “Please. Fuck me, pretty girl.”

You keep your lips attached to his as you slowly sink down on him. You get about halfway before you stop and pull away to look at him, trying to slow down your breathing. He brings his right hand up to cup your cheek. “You ok? Do you wanna stop?” The quick shake of your head makes him chuckle. “No, god no. I just need a minute. You’re fucking huge Andy.”

He can’t help the cocky smirk that appears. “Yeah, I know. Just take all the time you need.” He rubs his hand up and down your back to help calm you down. It only takes you a few more seconds before you continue to impale yourself on his impressive dick.

You let out a breath of relief when your hips settle flush against his. He grabs the back of your head and pulls you in for another kiss. You slowly start rocking your hips against him. He feels fucking incredible. Hitting all the right spots inside of you.

You pull away from the kiss and raise up a little and plant your hands on your headboard for some leverage. The rock of your hips speed up significantly. You move all the way up until his tip is barely inside before you slam yourself back down against him. You’re pulling the most beautiful sounds from his lips. It makes you move that much faster and harder against him.

Andy moves his hands to your breasts and gives them a good squeeze. Then he starts pinching your nipples, eliciting a moan from you. “That’s it, baby girl. Doing so good. You look so gorgeous fuckin’ yourself on my cock. Goddamn. Riding me so well.”

The praise he’s giving you just spurs you on. You raise up even more and place your hands on his chest and pick up your pace just a little more. You can feel the coil tightening in your belly. You’re going to cum and hard.

Andy keeps his left hand on your breast and keeps pinching your nipple. He moves his right hand down until his thumb is pressing against your clit, giving you the friction you needed. “Can feel you squeezing me, pretty girl. Cum for me. Make a mess.”

He presses his thumb just a little harder and that’s all it takes. You free fall over the edge of bliss with a scream of Andy’s name, your hips faltering from their rhythm.

You slow down your pace as you come down from your high, collapsing against Andy’s chest. He cradles you in his arms and rubs his hands up and down your back. “Still with me, sweet girl?”

You weakly nod your head and take just a second to catch your breath. It takes you a moment to realize he didn’t finish. You raise your head off his chest to look at him. “Why didn’t you cum?”

He smiles and pulls you in for a sweet kiss. “Oh, I will. Don’t worry. Just wanted to watch you fall apart on top of me. And let me just say, it’s one of the prettiest sights I’ve ever seen. You look gorgeous when you cum, Y/N. Almost made me lose it. Think you can take some more?”

You nod your head eagerly, already wanting to cum around his cock again. “Then why don’t you be a good girl and turn around and get on your hands and knees for me?”

He doesn’t have to tell you twice. You quickly pull off of him and turn around to get on your hands and knees. He takes a second to admire the view of your once again dripping pussy before he gets up on his knees behind you. He grabs a hold of your ass and gives it a hard squeeze. “Such a nice ass. I bet it’ll jiggle real nice while I’m fuckin’ you.”

He grabs a hold of the base of his cock and moves it towards your entrance. Before he starts pushing in, he gives your right cheek a hard smack. You drop down onto your elbows and moan into the sheets below you. Fuck. You didn’t know you liked that. He places his right hand on your hip and squeezes.

“Hmm. We’ll have to revisit that later.” And that’s the last thing he says before he slams home. You arch your back and fist the sheets as he sets a hard and fast pace.

And boy was he right. Your ass does jiggle nicely with every snap of his hips against it. He threads his left hand through your hair and gives it a tug. It makes you clench around him. “Fuck, baby girl. Keep squeezing me like that and I’m not going to last long.”

You move your head to the side and peer back at him. You clench around him again and it earns you another groan and smack to your ass. “Want you to cum for me, Andy. Please. Fill me up.”

He stills for just a second and wraps his left arm around your chest and lifts you up until your back is flush against his chest. This time he keeps his thrusts nice and slow. He places a kiss to the side of your neck. “Yeah? Want me to fill that pussy up, huh? To claim you as mine?”

You let a whimper escape your lips and you grip onto his arm that’s holding you against him as he starts picking up the pace of his thrusts. You clench around him again. “I am yours, Andy.”

He quickly moves his right hand down and starts circling your clit. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re gonna make me cum. Cum with me, please.”

You start pushing back and meeting his thrusts, desperate to get him to his release.

It only takes a few more snaps of his hips and circles against your clit before you're both falling over the edge while moaning out the other's name.

He continues pumping his hips until he’s completely spent and gently moves to lay the both of you onto your sides, basking in the afterglow of your orgasms.

He slowly pulls out of you and turns you around so that you’re facing him. He tucks your now loose hair behind your ear. “Hi, there.”

You chuckle and move up against him and press your face into the crook of his neck. “Hello.” You place a gentle kiss to his pulse point and relax as he wraps his arms around you.

There’s only a few minutes of peaceful silence when:

“So, was that good for you?”

You pull away and look up at him with an incredulous look on your face and smack his shoulder. You both start laughing.

“Of course it was good for me. Did you enjoy yourself, Andrew?”

He pulls you in for another sweet kiss. “Oh, yeah. But you know. Just to be sure. We might need to do it again.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you. It only makes you laugh once more.

“You are such a dork. How about we get a shower and then heat up the food you so rudely interrupted me from eating before?”

His jaw drops in mock hurt. “You weren’t complaining when I was making you come around my cock, pretty girl.”

You sit up and stretch your arms over your head. You swing your legs over the side and stand up, wobbling just a little. You hear a chuckle behind you and playfully send a glare his way as you make your way to the bathroom.

You turn on the light and can’t help but look at your reflection in the mirror.

Your hair is a hot mess, having fallen out of it’s ponytail. Your lips were swollen and red from all the kissing. Your nipples looked slightly red from all pinching they had been subjected to. Your skin flushed from the orgasms. And there was what looked like a bruise forming on your hip in the shape of his hand.

And yet. You’ve never felt more beautiful.

You see Andy walking up behind you in the mirror. He smiles at you.

You turn around and return it before throwing your arms around his neck and raising yourself up on your toes to pull him in for a kiss. He gladly wraps his arms around you and reciprocates.

You pull away with a smile still attached to your face. “Not that I mind, pretty girl. But, what was that for?”

You shrug. “Just thank you. For making me feel beautiful.”

He smiles down at you and pulls you in for another quick kiss. You can feel him hardening once again against your hip. “Why don’t we skip the shower for now? I’m not quite finished with you yet.”

And with that he pulls you back into the bedroom where he spends the rest of the night showing you that you’re his kind of beautiful.

Permanent Taglist: @stargazingfangirl18 @drabblewithfrannybarnes @harrysthiccthighss @IIIoIs

#chris evans #chris evans smut #andy barber x reader smut #andy barber smut #andy barber fanfiction #andy barber x female reader #andy barber x you #andy barber #Cici91 writes

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years ago

Note

Would lowkey kill to see Kauri attempting to write poetry in his relationship with Jake era (omg Jake helping him/being the one to write it down) I always forget that he was a writer and loves poetry and I love him 10 times more every time I remember

CW: Some references to past trauma, forced illiteracy, some brief internalized victim-blaming/slut-shaming, Kauri’s low self-esteem

Takes place after Worth the Risk and Kauri’s first glimpse of his own past

“This is fucking stupid. I can’t fucking do this.” Kauri picks up the notebook, hard-backed blue with little golden stars twinkling on the cover, and throws it full-strength across the room until it smacks into the wall and drops to the ground, open to his own scrawling, struggling handwriting.

Chris, wrapped in a big fuzzy blue blanket and curled up in an armchair playing a game on his phone or texting Laken or maybe both, flinches and looks up. “Kauri?”

Kauri looks away from the earnest concern in those huge green eyes and kicks ineffectually at the coffee table, hissing when he doesn’t actually miss and his toes connect with the hard wooden leg. “Fuck. Fucking-... bullshit, I’m an idiot trying to do this, just-... god damn it. I should know better.”

There’s a silence, and then Chris asks, softly, “Know better than, than... than to what? What were you, um, you doing?”

Kauri’s jaw is set and for a second he considers lying. He’s a good liar, after all, and Chris is always so ready to believe him, he wouldn’t even question it. Safer to lie, hide the ideas inside his head, talk instead about something soft and surface-level.

Safer to be stupid, always.

But he’s trying not to do that anymore.

He’s trying.

“Writing,” He says, finally. “I was... trying to-... write something.” The words are ground out of him nearly against his will. He glares at the notebook lying open on the floor, the scrawling handwriting of the fucked up slut still thinking he can be anything else. Looping and childish, too big almost to fit within the lines.

“Oh.” Chris pauses, and then brightens, setting his phone aside and straightening up. “You, you sad you think that you used to, to, to, to write, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” Kauri’s head hurts, a sharp punishing ache. How dare he think in metaphor and simile, how dare he try to build the villanelle, how dare he remember vaguely arguing with someone in a coffeeshop over old poetic forms being superior to poems that don’t even try to fit within a rhythm, and he just-

This is so-

He’s so stupid, thinking he could just pick it up again like it hasn’t been a decade or close, like he’s still whatever stupid shit lived in his body before he-

signed up for this-

followed a fucking hot guy outside in the dark and got thrown into a van and made into Kauri.

“Well, my... my professor for, for, for, for Playwriting says... says writing is a muscle. You, you have to exercise. And you can’t do the, um, the, the, the-the heavy weights until you start with, with small ones.”

Kauri snorts, derisive, but it’s not because Chris is wrong - of course he’s not wrong. Part of Kauri knows it, too, that he used to write all the time, around the pounding inside his skull he knows that he used to scribble lines on napkins and paper towels and the margins of his study books, bringing together the poem itself only later, usually alone or with a boyfriend on the other side of the room. He used to be able to do this.

He used to do this all the time.

“I wish Owen had wanted someone who could write a fucking poem,” Kauri says, voice breaking on the tears that threaten. “Maybe then I’d still be able to.” He pushes himself to his feet and stomps over to scoop up the notebook almost violently. “Why are you taking Playwriting, anyway? I thought you wanted to do set design.”

“I, I do.” Chris shrugs, eyes on Kauri, watching him walk back towards the doorway that leads to a hall and then to the kitchen. “But I thought-... I, I, I figured-... maybe if I learn how to, to write a play, it would help... visualize. For, for, for set-building. You, um. You know?”

Kauri exhales, slowly, and then nods. “Yeah. I get it. That’s a good plan - I mean, not that I would know, I’m a college fucking dropout, right?” He laughs, bitterness in every word, in every sound.

“No,” Chris replies, simply. “You, you were... abducted. We were, um. We, we, we were stolen. Your words were, um, were stolen, too. That’s what Dr. Berger-”

“Fuck Dr. Berger,” Kauri snaps, and leaves the room before Chris can make any more sense and possibly break apart Kauri’s determined self-loathing while he still wants to soak in it.

Hating himself for what he can’t do - or what he’s been told he can’t do - is so much easier than trying to do it anyway.

Everything was easier than trying to get better.

So why is he still trying?

Notebook clenched in white-knuckled hands, Kauri climbs the stairs like a man moving to the gallows, one by one, his thoughts a swirling morass of self-hatred, and then he moves into the bedroom he shares with Jake here and stares at the rumpled covers on the bed.

He sleeps here every single night, wakes up to the same face pressed red on one side from the pillow, hears the same deep voice rumbling good morning, feels the same arm slide over his waist, the same scratchy stubble rubbing his jaw when he’s kissed.

I have generally found, in my work, the fucking therapist’s voice echoes inside him, that when you begin to do the work to rebuild, you will find yourself dedicated over time to reconstructing not just a room, Kauri, but the entire city that was once leveled. Does that make sense?

He’d told her it didn’t.

Kauri spent years dodging therapy whenever Nat didn’t talk him into it, and he hates going. He hates having to spill all the darkness inside him to someone who never stops being so goddamn calm.

But the first time she’d said, have you ever heard about the effect that solitary confinement has on the human mind? He had told her he didn’t know, but he’d started crying, too, and hadn’t been able to explain why.

Part of you knows, Dr. Berger had said gently. Part of you always knew.

He had never really wanted to know the person who had inhabited this skin, or try to be him again. But standing here looking at the evidence of the life he is slowly building - his clothes in a crumpled heap on the floor by the bed, his toothbrush in the little cup in the bathroom, a picture of he and Jake in a frame by the bed now, the very small silver ring he wears sometimes even though they’re not and they probably won’t but it kind of feels good to wear it sometimes...

He wonders if Liam Harker wanted a life like this one.

---

“It’s really dumb,” Kauri mutters, pulling the pillow over his face, burning red with embarrassment. “I didn’t even really mean for you to see it-”

“It’s not dumb,” Jake says, gently. Kauri feels the dip in the mattress as he sits down, feels the warmth of his hand resting on Kauri’s thigh through the blanket. “I’m sorry I read it. I didn’t know what I was looking at. If it was supposed to be a secret-”

“No. I didn’t. I forgot I left it out on the dresser. It’s not your fault. It’s so fucking stupid. I don’t know why I even-”

“Kauri.” Jake’s voice sharpens, a little. “Stop. Stop calling yourself stupid. You’re not, and you never were, and you don’t have to repeat what that asshole told you about yourself anymore, remember?”

Kauri swallows, hard, a lump in his throat he can’t quite breathe around. “When does it stop being his voice,” He asks, muffled, “and start being my own?”

“When you let it,” Jake says, rubbing his leg soothingly. “Just like my dad’s voice. You’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life. I’m sorry I read it, but that’s because it wasn’t mine to read, not because it was dumb, or bad. It wasn’t.”

Kauri hesitates, then pulls the pillow to the side, looking at the sincere affection in Jake’s face, his slight smile. “Yeah? You’re not just-”

“Saying that? No, I’m not. I mean, I’m not, like, a poetry person-”

“It’s not even a real villanelle, anyway.”

“I have no idea what that means. I just... I thought it was pretty good, actually. When I realized-... I put it down when I realized you were writing about-... you know. Yourself.”

“Liam,” Kauri says, hoarse, barely able to pronounce the name. “I wrote-”

“Yeah.” Jake takes his hand, pulls it to his lips, presses a kiss to Kauri’s knuckles. “I know. It’s really good, Kaur. You should keep writing. I promise I won’t look at any stray papers I find anymore, yeah?”

Kauri takes a breath. He feels almost dizzy, in a way that is both terrible and wonderful. The way you open yourself to the people you love is a horrible, amazing risk. The way you spill the darkest parts of yourself, not things you’ve done wrong but the things you are afraid of allowing back into the light, in case it washes them all away again.

But the light he lives in now isn’t cold, and it isn’t taking him away from himself. The light he lives in now is sunlight.

“What?” Jake’s eyebrows raise slightly. “What’s that face for?”

“Jake. What if-... what if I ask you to? Read them?”

Jake’s lips press together, and he nods, smiling slightly, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Kauri’s hand. He’s always warm, Jake, even on the coldest days. He’s always warm. “I’d be-... be fucking honored, or something that sounds less bullshit than that, but I mean it. I’d be... I love you, Kauri. Seeing inside your head is what I want to do for-... for forever.”

“Maybe I’ll ask then,” Kauri says, and pulls Jake’s hand and then Jake himself, the taller, larger man settling on top of him, holding himself up on his elbows, careful not to rest all his weight. “I love you, too, you know.”

“Yeah.” Jake kisses the tip of his nose. “It’s pretty fucking great.”

Kauri’s eyes glimmer, but he closes them so Jake can’t see, and kisses his forehead. “It’s nice to think that I’m lucky and mean it.”

“I think you should read your poem to Dr. Berger,” Jake says, and when Kauri groans, he pulls back. “I mean it. She should know.”

Kauri wants to argue, but he looks into Jake’s eyes, and sighs, and says he’ll think about it.

---

AN APOLOGY

I am built from the hollow air left after your heart stopped beating

Your hands still gripped tight to the life they were ending

I know you thought of home but I don’t know where your home is

The sound of my voice is a green valley that only sends back screaming

Covered in smoke and dust that I told myself smelled like cologne

Pathways that remember your laughter silent in the years that followed

Have I done enough to build a life you would have enjoyed living?

I am built from the hollow air left over when your heart stopped beating

The heat of their hands as inevitable as a river tore down every foundation

Their cruelty buried you so deeply that only I remain

I don’t deserve the love that should have been yours to receive

The sound of my voice is a valley echoing back your screaming

I owe you an apology for walking around inside you

Crumbling ruins with my touch and calling it preservation

I’m sorry for every blade of grass growing through our bones

Am I nothing but hollow air from when your heart stopped beating?

Wildflowers grow inside me from soil windswept over ash

Is that life worth everything not quite dead so deep below?

Is Kauri Grant good enough to make up for Liam Harker’s loss?

In the valley of my body, does anyone but me still hear you screaming?

I owe you an apology and have to hope the life I live provides it

I wish I could ask for forgiveness from the shape of you

We’re both ghosts, in the end, mosaic pieces shattered in shadows

I’m sorry that I’m all that’s left.

I built myself from hollow air in the shape of a heart still beating

The sound of my voice will always carry the echo of yours screaming

Tagging: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @astrobly @newandfiguringitout , @doveotions , @pretty-face-breaker , @boxboysandotherwhump , @orchidscript @cubeswhump , @whump-tr0pes @whumpiary @moose-teeth @whumptywhumpdump @wildfaewhump

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