#i didnt mean for these to get so long but ok
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Snap: *draws a Megaman-inspired Magneto*
Me: ...Perfect modernization.
wait now that its not 3AM i can do you one Slightly better
bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#magneto#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#snap sketches#this is legitimately the most self indulgent thing ever ive been wanting to draw magneto like a robot master for months vjAELKJAE#i thought about adding the little 'ears' robot masters/reploids have but not this time#whats funny is that during my initial redesigning i WANTED to pay homage to erik's trench coat look buuuutt i couldnt figure how#so thank you sigma for. letting me steal your shit vjELKAEJ#i havent drawn megaman characters in like. years good lord- whats funny is that magnetman Was one of my faves to draw#which doesnt mean much since i loved drawing pretty much all the robot masters equally LMAOOO#i remember some freak got pressed at me for doodling metalman during class once like dawg what is your problem#bruv leave me ALONE let me draw you are not my mom#anyway. as i said last night i dont have my usual evening class so i figured id fill the time doodlin these#they didnt take long- i think thats why i like drawing This magneto outfit so much#reminds me of my megaman doodlin days ... also it's genuinely just quick as hell WHICH. makes sense#all that done im done megaman-inspired posting thank you for the opportunity anon im glad you appreciated it :]]#im gonna go eat now my tummy rumblin. theeeeeeen i guess ill drive home ???? i guess.#it's almost saturday so that means i get to post more asks- ive been hoarding them throughout the week#so i apologize if some people have been waitin i PROMISE i havent been ignoring i just wanna draw somethin for it </3#ok im eating now BYYYYYYEEE
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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this is long sorry but i wanted to make a statement for the press (treat tumblr like a public diary) and the children of divorce (mutuals)
i know that obviously i am heartbroken that joeff and i had to split and part of me is really angry that it had to happen that way but its not like its anyone’s fault. this is a no fault divorce. we love each other we just couldn’t continue the relationship. but i go home and i see him and we hang out and its normal but then i remember that the future we wanted is dead and THAT is a horrible feeling but the worst feeling would be not having him in my life at all and i am glad that we love each other enough to be friends and we were friends for so long before we started dating bc then we know that we can do it. im glad we’re going to be apart for a few weeks bc it is still really raw but ultimately it is for the best and we agree that we are soulmates just maybe not romantically. which sucks but the right person for us will be glad that we didnt force ourselves to stay together just for the comfort of familiarity. i just have to tell myself that it wasnt a waste of time and everything will make sense eventually even if it doesnt right now and i want to be mad but theres nothing to be mad about except sometimes life is unfair but you live it anyway.
#i know i talk my shit on here sometimes when i let myself get angry but i dont mean it. he didnt do anything wrong#i mean in retrospect some things could have been done differently but its not like someone cheated or was abusive or anything#it was just circumstances stopped lining up. which happens! especially if youre young. people dont grow up at the same rate and thats ok#like we still live together and are friendly we have no beef we’re both just sad that it didnt work out in the end#but we cant be hanging out together like we used to for a long time because a period of distance will make it easier in the long run#which sucks because i want to go do all this stuff with him and see our friends and be normal but we cant until we’re solidly Apart#we just need to be our own people for a while because neither of us have ever really been alone bc we glommed onto each other as soon as we#met um……. at age 19 and 20#so we need to figure out what we want for ourselves as individuals without letting the other one drag us down yknow. so its okay!#but we are figuring things out and everything is a circle so we’ll be right back!
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i love ryomina
no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.
it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.
ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.
minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.
the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.
minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.
it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.
november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.
it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.
how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.
ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.
he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.
SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.
and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!
so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.
messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!
even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.
march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.
and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.
p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.
ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!! god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!
i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙
#lizzy speaks#persona 3#ryomina#ryoji mochizuki#minato arisato#meta#long post#(literally)#HI SO UM YESTERDAY I COULDN'T FUCKING SLEEP so to cope i was like 'i will talk out loud about anything and everything'#and somehow that turned into me talking about ryomina out loud and something about verbalizing my thoughts made me feel crazy about these-#two again. i mean for the record i continue to love them always very dearly but like my p3 braincells sometimes go into hibernation bc-#ive been on a really huge splatoon kick. but anyway my voice was like cracking at 3am because i was tearing up#i was like 'THE!! IM! SO NORMAL ABT WHAT ORPHEUS AND THANATOS AND MESSIAH SYMBOLIZE' etc etc etc#so i kinda just went to sleep like 'ok well you GOTTA type it out. everyone needs to know about this.'#and um i didnt mean to make 1069 words! sorry! not really! but i love them!!! even if im very quiet these days!#ohhh how lucky i am to have had the chance to experience ryomina they are such a gem. they make me so goddamn emotional#they really mean a lot to me because of well. (gestures at the entire post) but also they came at a really good point of my life and FUCK!!#im so so grateful to them!!! i love them!!!! the themes that their relationship and characters convey just !! IM SO NORMAL ABOUT IT!!!#they've affected me so profoundly and deeply and i wish i could make better art to get this across. but its ok. one day i can. one day#they make me so fucking talkative like actually but um. i had a lot of fun writing this! i dont think ive had like. a proper appreciation-#post for them that articulates why i like them so much (unless you count the essays i write in my art tags) so it was nice to make this.#admittedly theres a lot abt p3 that im rusty on since its been a goodwhile since ive interacted with the source material#and in a way you could say that like. i need to renew my p3 license LMAOOO but god some parts of p3 still have such a huge death grip on me#and what i mean by that is that the big Fucking Events have such!! clarity!! in my mind!! i recall them and i wilt on the spot!!#oh god i cant fucking shut up. the tags are probably 500 words long. enjoy my ramble. i wish every ryomina enjoyer a Good Life <3#actually no. i hope that EVERYONE on the dash today has something that sparks joy for them the way ryomina does for me.#everyone deserves 2 have something that makes their brain do a little excited dance that makes them blow up and explode. its good for u!#BYE FOR REAL this is why i have to post my thoughts very spread out otherwise yall would have so many WORDS on ur dash pls help i have so#many emotions and i am so tiny i cannot possibly fit all the feelings i have about ryomina and other things inside my tiny little body
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Everyone please hope that my medical appointment tomorrow goes somewhat well.
Doctors are usually really mean to me for reasons I cannot comprehend (perhaps they are like horses and will kick the shit out of you if they sense you're afraid of them, idk) so I'm like,,,super scared.
Especially because this is about a deformity that I'm very embarrassed and insecure about
#im willing to specify i just didnt want the post to get long dkshks#i wish it was acceptable for adults to bring a second person with them tbh. like. why can children have a parent present but i cant#not my parent. i am low contact with my parents. i mean like someone in general. i would feel much less like a prey animal#about to get murdered if i could have an emotional support friend with me kjsdfhkjsdfh#i think its also because im much more willing to take shit and keep my mouth shut than most of my friends. so when a doctor tells me#that im a hysterical girl im like 'ok : (.' whereas my friends would probably be like 'no he isnt. also thats irrelevant.#what are his options?'#whereas i dont even ask honestly. im too scared. a doctor could tell me to go kms and id be like 'ok im sorry for being alive :' ('
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farewell, my idiot son…
#(aka my switch’s internals got fried so the repair shop had to format it to revive it: the tragicomedy)#(wait no on further inspection they seemed to have just given up on fixing it and gave me a whole other switch instead. lmao.)#(i wonder what happened to my old switch though…)#(farewell to all of my save data… thank heavens i didnt transfer anything over from past gens of pkmn)#(but aaaaaaaaa this shiny goo was a christmas present from a former acquaintance… rip squish you wouldve loved kimikawaii mv)#man… these past couple of days have been a *l o t*.#shoutout to [job recruitment company employee] who sent me a ‘hey the job wants you :)’ message#at the exact same time that i submitted a job application form for another company. it truly was a strange coincidence i think…#but… ehe… the… the job that wants me is offering $1k more than the monthly base salary i asked for… is… is this really ok…?#nothing’s confirmed yet. but. y’know. s t i l l . is it really ok for me to get paid so much for a job that lets me skip the morning commute#and while im still reeling from all of yesterday’s happenings… squish my dear shiny goo will never be seen again…#switch save system my b e l o a t h e d#so. long story short. take good care of your gadgets and gizmos guys.#then again. maybe im not the best person to say this… i mean. i’ve bricked like. 3 personal laptops in my lifetime…#and a phone sim card. and 2-3 nokia phones. and 3 android phones. and a tablet. and—#so. yeah. uh. it’s a good idea to take care of your stuff. especially if they’re fragile.#anyway. in memoriam of squish my idiot son im gonna try to find another shiny in sv this time. i hope i can find another…#but aaaaa the map in sv is pretty huge. um. i got lost like 10 times before even making it to school…#the friends are all just. so. friend-shaped. though… i like the sandwich pal. he has priorities.#looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds thoughh. i saw spoilers on twt but i need to know how the story even unfolds bc aaaa#ok that’s it idol sengen tl is now on an extended hiatus (ch 35 has just 7 pages left to go) till i complete this game. whenever it may be.#see y’all then~~~~~~~~~~~
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me admitting that i dont hate ast*rion after all .
#like him.even . maybe.#i just drew him and i was like teehee~kicks feet and giggles and thenni remembered who this was and#my face morphed in2 thousand yard stare guy#IM SRYYY IM SRRYYYYY#IM FALLIBLE !!#wat do u want from me. if its good taste in characters wwll. u r in tha wrong place .#though i do think its bc like . like tell me why he has 90x the content of anyone else#if i hear wyll say well met one more time im gna blow up our camp.IM SOOOz give me something anything pelase please#like he’ll have nothing for 30 long rests save for a line here or there#but astarion will just want to chat u up every night like can u equal it out please pls ❤️ karlach even .#anyways . i hate gale tho HATE GALE . GALE HATERRR ☝️☝️☝️☝️#idk if its because i found him last or what but atp i dont care to get to know him#this game is legit saur fun . the exploration especially#like i spend 90% of my time opening every vase and crate and reanimating the dead on every1.talking to all the animalz#speak w the dead* i mean#also just rhe potential 4 the funniest mistakes ever#when auntie ethel disguised herself as mayrina in fromt of my eyes i didnt process it and killed her indtead of ethel HAHAAGAHAHAHAHHA#like the sjock of messing smth up so badly but u cant do shit abt it like ok!i guess !#karlach pushing 1hp shadowheart in2 firepitcon accident and killing her . happy family❤️🫶#bg3
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it’s the last Sunday before Sunday’s banner ends so i suppose it’s about time for me to finally boot up HSR and pull him home… wish me luck
#i’m gonna need it bc i haven’t rlly played much since 2.3 so my savings are.. not Great#honkai star rail#hsr sunday#viddy game stuff#Seven.txt#it’s not that i don’t Want to play i just haven’t made the time to do so lately#i’m trying to juggle 4 live service gacha games at the same time and i am dropping all of the balls constantly 😔#i don’t feel like i’m doing much more than i used to but for some reason i seem to have a lot less free time for gaming lately#idk it’s probably just my time management getting worse#Anyways so yeah i haven’t played much since the Boothill hype. and i haven’t pulled a single new 5 star since his release#but i also haven’t played much at all during that time so i’ve only got 54 pulls saved :)#and if that’s enough to get me Sunday and his LC i’ll lose my fucking mind bc ain’t no way i’ll get that lucky#i Do have a good luck streak with Light Cones but i’ve only pulled for 3 so that’s not that impressive#i got Acheron’s on a won 50/50 at 14(!!!) pity and Aventurine’s on a won 50/50 at 22 pity so those were kinda insane to me#but then i don’t remember how it went for Boothill’s LC and i didnt log those pulls so i couldnt tell ya if the good luck streak continued#so anyways yeah probably gonna have to whale a lil bit but that’s ok bc it’s christmas time#i allow myself to whale (or. more like Dolphin perhaps) guilt-free on these games a lil bit on my birthday and christmas as gifts to myself#i used it on Xilonen and her sig weapon back around my birthday and now i’ll use this one on Sunday#ain’t no way i’m letting him pass me by when he’s the one that really hooked me into HSR in the first place#i was halfheartedly playing for a while but as soon as i saw the first hint of him on that livestream Penacony teaser i was Obsessed#don’t think i’ve ever been that excited for a character that i knew next to nothing about aside from a lil chibi avatar -#- and some line about him being malevolent. and i don’t even like the chibi style At All so that speaks to how strong his design was#or maybe it just shows how i see an angel coded character with weird-cool-head-wings and a halo and my brain worms start raving#well it’s 1am here so Technically it’s Monday now but shhhhhh it’s still Sunday in my Heart ok? and that’s what matters#and it’s still kinda Sunday on the American server bc the daily reset isn’t until like. 3am for me#but it’ll still probably record it as me having pulled him on the 23rd :/ oh well can’t turn back time#i guess i Could wait until Christmas morning but i don’t wanna flirt with the deadline so closely#this is close enough for me to count it as my Christmas pulls#and we spent Too Damn long without confirmation of his playability (though i always had faith in the leaks 😤🙏🏻) so i deserve this lmao#i mean i’ve waited longer. i waited for Scara! i waited for Baizhu! but still. all the ‘he wont be playable’ fearmongerers can kiss my ass
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augghh ,.....
#girl i wanna cry so bad#im so tired#and my gormones are not helping#my mother just fucking bombarded me with so mant questions about uni and i know shes trying to help#but im genuenly so tired i just want to go to sleep#and she keeps asking me stuff and im standing up and my uterus hirsts so bad but she didnt stop expanding#on shit that was SO unnecesary#fucking . have u not heard me before#i told you 5 times that im not recursing this class because it would be so bad#and you keep asking my stuff about what if i did retook it#why do you never listen !!!!!!! and then when im tired of trying to get a word in#you start complaining that this is jow a lonologue and not a concersation !!!!!#my sister in christ whenever i try to speak you dont stop tlaking. what do yoh mean#and i took 2 bugs out of the house and now i have phantoms bugs feelings . feel like there are moths flying toward sme#would be ok in other situations but i cant deal with the phantom sensation rn#crying from frsutration. help!!!!!#im genuenly so sad and angry and upset#not even at my mom. shes ok but rn shes getting on my nerves because im very sensitive and im so tired#i just want to sleeeeep. please.#girl i frel like such a failure#the 10 girl goes from getting 10 in four classes to barelt passing 5 classes. devaststing#i prommy i know im more than my grades but my ego is not feeling it this time#i feel so burned out time is slipping through my fingers#i want a hug 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪 fuck#sorry for the long venty post. if u read this far u deserve an award
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thinkin bout magneto's lil list of aliases from that One Shot of his government file or w/e in 97 and how it lists the three main men who've played him (David Hemblen, Ian McKellen, Michael Fassbender) and kinda cackling at the idea 1.) if they included All his names 2.) having 'michael' on that list twice
#snap chats#'real name magnus' to YOU. maybe to me too idk magnus IS a cute name but not the topic#some people bemoan references to the movies in the comics/cartoons I HOWEVER think theyre always cute when it comes to the xmen...#like in legion of x- i forget who but someone was like 'magneto can do a GREAT gandalf impression just get him drunk first'#like oh im sure im sure he can... [insert rivals tank joke here]#kinda wish they called back to his other VAs or at least earl boen who played him in Pryde of the X-Men but ill live#i just like the shout outs in general..... thats so cute idc i love it when comics/shows do that#also love how david hemblen's name is the only one not fully censored vJELKJVAELKJ#rip king you'll always be iconic for your performance in 92. AND in road to avonlea <- he was in one (1) episode#anyway no please can you imagine how goofy that list would be. and how long#like 'you got two michaels on here you wanna explain' you gotta ask his ex about that one. michael a good name idk what to tell you#'ok so david hemblen ian [redacted] michael [redacted] michael. michael xavier......' loud ass eyebrow raise#ik in the tas verse mags doesnt get the opportunity to 'become' michael xavier but let me have this joke ok. just this one#didnt know charles could see into the future ... it really is so funny that a man named michael would eventually play mags tho#thats so funny .. serendipity or whatever#wait that just reminds me of when he borrows charles' last name for that 2012(? or was it 2011) magneto one shot#he couldnt have been going by michael xavier in that it was well before that time.. was he just going by 'magnus xavier'....#or just Mr. Xavier .. or charles xavier ... funny as hell i love magneto's name shenanigans#james arnold taylor deserves a shoutout. maybe not in tas but just in general WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE PLAYED TIDUS#INFAMOUS LAUGHTER TIDUS THAT ONE ????? range. he also played johnny test but we dont gotta talk about it#that fact alone has made he decide mags has an ugly laugh. like i know the context of the tidus laugh and its sad but ssh#ignore me im just. i love voice actor stuff its always so funny going down the rabbit hole#seriously tho shoutout to mr taylor he's played mags in virtually all his video game appearances. AND lego charles#thats enough outta me ok bye im gonna go
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oh ok
#succession#tomgreg#OH MY GOD THE SCENE IS THIS CLOSE AFTER?!?? i thought i had some time !!! i jqqqqqqq#man. man. mn!!!!aman!!!!man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man.#matt johnson you would love tomgreg#what the fuck is this scene though i want to die i PHYSICally want to di e Eeeeeeeeeee#he........i .........fkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkmmmmmmmmmmmm#ok. okok. ok . novel tags ok i can think through my absolute fucking grief. ok so basically.#tom giving greg advice about prison. and then greg like basically begs to have tom take the rap for him. but not directly.#he can never say things directly. but tom translates. and it doesn't take him long to say fine. load me up. you piece of shit.#but he doesn't even mean the latter statement he's too sad. and he won't fight. the fight is all gone out of him.#so much for greg being expendable though huh?#look me in the eyes and tell me tom isn't in love with greg at least a little. yall telling me you'd take the rap for someone and go to jail#for them if you didn't love them? ok bestie you do you#i kind of like as well the comparison of the conversation between them and him and shiv like. it's very similar in that him and greg are#saying sentences that are parts of different conversations like him and shiv's convo ALTHOUGH it is still related bc it's to do with jail#she wouldn't even talk about that subject at all. and then it correlates to the whole. nero and sporus thing right. and the dressing up/ring#ALSO THE FACT HE DIDNT WANNA SLEEP WITH HER AND HES OUT LATE AT A DINER WITH GREG I GET IT G IS HIS MISTRESS#but anyway.#and the WAYYYYYYY greg's voice breaks and the way he looks at tom with pleading eyes and it looks like he's about to cry#that's what does it for tom i think. that's what breaks him. he can't bear the thought of greg suffering for months.#which makes me believe that that is why he was so sad earlier when greg was asking for advice. he doesn't like greg to suffer#by other hands of course. if it's by his hands that's another matter BUT THATS ANOTHER CAN OF WORMS#LIKE I KNOW ITS KIND OF AN ASSHOLE MOVE OF GREG BUT AT THE SAME TIME HES LIKE. idk early 20s. 26ish latest???#and i would be fucking terrified i'm 30 and i still don't know what the fuck is going on i don't know how i am still alive so i get it.#and if you have someone who has been taking care of you and has in the past flexed their power and money to give you food and parties#and move you up in a company and give you opportunities you most likely would never get. you kinda. latch. and fall into a pattern.#you assume he has a way out for you#has help. i mean greg probably assumed he wouldn't say yes in the first place so he kinda Has to be an asshole for any chance at all tbh.#he even said quid pro quo. but tom didn't even want anything in return. i mean idk what greg could even give him [lol] but still.
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so i am singing that vitellia in the end... but at what fucking cost.
'you gotta sing this softer'
'what'
'this is mozart'
'this is vitellia'
'this is mozart'
'im singing about how much i hate this mf and want him dead before the end of the day'
'this is mozart'
'i wanna murder a guy'
'this is mozart'
'...'
'softer. gentle. mozart'
'...ok'
#they're killing me here#i already bargained for ONE (1) note in chest (thank you so so much that i am ALLOWED to sing an A3 in chest voice <333) and now THIS#THIS is why people hate mozart. fuck you.#i recorded that rehearsal and the first version sounds SO MUCH BETTER. after i did what she asked me to do its just. so fucking boring.#i hate it here#i love this duet so much but frfr im not sure i wanna do it if i have to do it on their terms.#also like sorry to be a bitch but you're a pianist girl. just stick to your stuff and let me take care of mine.#just because you're playing this like you're constipated because tHiS iS mOzArT doesnt mean the rest of us dont care either.#its possible i never will get the chance to sing the entire vitellia so i want to do justice. as much as im able. to this one chance i get#it took me A Long While to deal with the fact that i wont be able to bark that 'indegno' and 'regno' like i always envisioned.#but like. ok. whatever. i can still make it Entertaining. THIS however. no. no fucking way.#and its not even about me being a big-headed know-it-all who thinks she's better than everyone because. lol and lmao clearly im Not#but this is about having a fucking SOUL. its about actually taking the libretto into consideration too. its about trying to figure out#WHY mozart wrote it the way he did. like sorry but this is another fiordiligi case where its CLEAR that the amplitudes the crazy jumps#are there FOR A REASON. the reason is HE WANTED A CONTRAST. some fucking EMOTION. he sure as hell didnt want it to be Soft And Gentle.#i know it because i talked to him and he told me im right about everything as always and you can eat shit girl bye#grrrrrrrr im so angry#i knos i sound so arrogant here but please. please i just want to make this music fun and enjoyable. i just dont want it to be boring#please understand my vision im begging you
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It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.
I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).
[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]
My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.
The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)
Anyway, shrimp tax:
I lov thees widdle oange bebies.
Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.
#me earlier today: oh i should bleach my hair since i havent been able to shower for 2 days it wont damage it as much#me now: i dont know if i can even stand long enough to shower after this#anyway im gonna try to eat something and then shower and pass tf out.#maybe i shouldve taken a before picture to show how much i did...#...but i do Not want to remember 'that one time i didnt do a water change for 2 months' the algae was gross lol i couldnt even get it all#but honestly idc ab the back wall having algae as long as the front and most of the sides are clear#seriously the algae was textured like sandpaper tho. does algae do pearling? if it does then its calcium buildup too#edit while typing bc i looked it up. yes algae pearls. so the bubbles it was making were drying enough to cause calcium deposits#oH also lmao i found the tiniest pinch of hornwort left in the 10gal. idk why the hornwort doesnt like that tank but its hilarious that...#...that one little fingernail sized piece is still alive floating in there. i stuck it next to the lily but the shrimp will prob dislodge it#the hornwort in the 5gal is just freefloating i cant get that shit to stick#the shrimp love that stuff and they look like little birds in a pine tree#im in so much pain im procrastinating food lmao 'order pizza' crossed my mind but my jaw wont let me eat pizza so fml#anyway. just wanted to show an accomplishment even if its not a praise worthy one since i didnt go the extra 10 miles to water change sooner#awwww tho i love seeing them glide around the tank and now i can see them clearly its so chill#shrimp#aquariums#crustaceans#bugs#Cori.exe#Post.exe#Image.exe#also my therapist started cracking up this morning when i said like 'i can finally rest now tht i dont have a Saw trap bathroom to navigate'#seriously tho it was bad and then another issue in the bathroom came up 2 days ago but theyre both fixed now. my br is normal now.#im not normal tho (normal for myself i mean) and unfortunately thats not gonna be an easy fix but im trying#man can i ever make a post where i dont type a million words lmao. inability to focus and then i start typing more stuff#oh ab the hair bleach man my roots are so dark i just trimmed off the last of the bleach from last time so i got 2tone hair rn#idk when ill get to that. dependsnon my back. i already wasnt in a great state of being when i did the aquariums but i needed to clean them#ok i rly need to try n make food and shower before i start growing algae on myself
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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every time I watch a war related movie and they play the reveille i get spooked i HATE that melody
#im not hurridly putting on my uniform and running out of a tent at 5 in the morning to go run 2 miles#boy scout camp? more like BOOT CAMP#also i was the troop leader so i had to get everyone else out of the tent and make sure they were presentable#and god forbid it took more than 5 minutes#we were six people in one of those old ass orange tents#its a two people tent !!#i do miss being a boy scout tho it was fun whenever it didnt feel like the military#i used to do scout competitions#got me a mational champion trophy in boy scout (lie we did not win#we totally fucked up the first aid test)#won knot tying tho 💪#ok im just talking now so if you're still reading this won't be short#we had to get a person as high up as possible#and all we got was like 4 long ass tree trunks?? like skinny long round tree things (i hate the english language idk)#and rope#and because i was the shortest i had to hold onto the top of one of the trunks#while the others pulled me like 8 meters into the air#scary as fuck considering i was like 5' back then#won tho 💪💪#i really loved being a scout#we were called boy scouts but it was gender neutral#we hated the girl scouts™ tho#all they did was bake cake and make friendship bracelets while we had to shit in the forest#also they were just really mean like wow#nobody knows how to insult like a girl scout#i loved being troop leader#i liked helping people and being a problem solver and having my troop come to me w problems was SO awesome#until this one time when a girl woke me up in the middle of the night crying#*scene set: like 3am in a tent in the forest*#“😢 i dreamt the scout leader stabbed your eyes out with a cheese cutter 😭😭😭😭” HELLO??? WHAT THE FUCK GOODNIGHT
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legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23
#so.#i fell into the fireplace lol#- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with#because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong#your body feels wrong.#i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18.#because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating#im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you.#but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb#or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning#i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic#so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?'#anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place#and my legs just gave out 😍#and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh#which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed#and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me'#and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed#and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh#and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok#💚#tw chronic illness#/ multiple sclerosis
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