#i cant stay. at least not like this. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chewablepebbles · 2 months

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I'm getting closer and closer to leaving this house again and it's so fucking weird this time

#the first time it was like nothing #i graduated high school and immediately moved to the rescue #i feel like so much more has happened here in the three-four years ive been back than it had for the rest of my life #shes not even kicking me out this time i think she wants me to stay now #and ive tried so hard to get everything as cleaned up and finished as i can without her help #whatever this next job is is really gonna take me out of here. i spent 20ish years here feeling like she wanted me out and NOW she doesnt #i cant stay. at least not like this.#i swear to god everytime we talk she tells me 'easy' like im a fucking horse and the next time it happens im just leaving #im getting my car that will have my name in the paperwork. after that i wont really need to be here.

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nashvillethotchicken · 1 month

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Horrific psychological abuse and lynching plot aside, Armand was just not a nice partner to Louis. Always interrupting him, extremely dismissive of Louis’s concerns, super mean about his photography to the point where Louis became extremely insecure about in the span of 2 episodes, super insistent on a serious relationship when that's not what Louis wanted or something that was even feasible for the two of them since Armand slept on the floor with 16 racist roommates who hated Louis bad, mean as hell to his daughter, always made things about himself, stopped Louis from going to Rogets and gwtting his husbands money but had no money of his own, made shitty plays and made louis go see them, like the list is endless.

#iwtv louis #interview with the vampire #iwtv #amc iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #iwtv 2022 #ldpdl #armand iwtv #the vampire armand #and this is not to hype up loustat they have their own problems im just confronted with how bad armand is #like omg hes literally the worst bf #broke controlling and a bitch ass nigga like omg pick a struggle tyler perry #just a loser ong #and everything has to be about him i dont even think he thinks Louis’s a person #louis is like an accessory to him. a way to enrich himself but he doesnt actually care about louis if he did hed back the fuck up #assad said something similar at sdcc where he was like armands only focus was armand and he views louis as a way to enrich himself #not as a person. armand makes everything in the relationship about him bc hes ext. self centered and doesnt like negros #which is why he doesnt see louis as a person and hes ok with lynching him #at least lestat met his parents before trying to marry him all armand had was i havent turned you into the police you should move in with me #a man who cant stay the night because he. a 450+ year old man. has a curfew and his 16 roommates will get mad if hes late

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sunlit-mess · 4 months

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Hello, I hope it's not rude but I'm REALLY REALLY fond of your art!!!!! I was scrolling through your blog from new to old and found that you have Bpd,,,. I only heard about this condition, what is it like? If it's ok to know,,,!

hello, thank u! uhm it's something? HAHAHAHA idk how to explain it 😭🏳 lemme try to be as direct as possible

I'm high-functioning, but there are points I seriously just start showing symptoms.

Emotions: INTENSE as it can get while FEELING 99 PERCENT EMPTY. Something just- keeps you so.. hungry (not literally). Sensory is also another factor, and honestly I burn out a lot, tend to get overwhelmed n meltdown like shit

Identity: I either have BEEF WITH it, feel GODLY, or be so LOW, really low. I live with both passion and hate. I'm very confused. But I can say I'm just tired!

Attachments: Relationships are so hard to maintain bc of how much I fear abandonment, like bro I can't even leave my family as much as I want to. I'm more scared of getting disowned or losing my name. Love is a concept I long to grasp at the same time scared of it, I don't understand jackshit about " love ".

> I tend to self-Isolate with or without reason

> ...I used to test other people whether they can handle me or not, whether they'd leave or not. Not anymore though, but the thought lingers.

> Very- paranoid- about.. perception, neglect and invalidity HAHA.

Mindset: They call it Black and White, or generally just two categories to label my perception of things. However, I try to understand AS MUCH AS I CAN about a situation, etc. See what's in-between before I decide. that's really hard for me to do LOL.

> I always do my best to think and be nice

> I can be so fucking bad at the same time, only to regret it the next second or so

> My mind is scattered all over the place, It's exhausting

Trauma: I have memory problems and a lot to connect with that. Hate and fear is what I'm accustomed to. I live with a fuck ton of active predicaments like hell. Old wounds keeps reopening, and new ones never closes.

Impulse: shows in speech more than in action (THANK GOD LMAO I'D DIE IF I LET MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS WIN)

Habits: uhm. Ranging from sunshine and rainbows to SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I get obsessive, like.. really obsessive.

Coping mechanisms: Usually I have mood stabilizers and anti-depressants n shit, but I don't rely on them anymore (bc I can't keep buying). I don't have good coping mechanisms even for physical needs. It's so bad bro. So I just end up drawing. that's the only good one I can list.

Living with it: Exhausting and an internal war 24/7. Does it affect me physically? Yes. Does it come with other mental factors and conditions? Also yes! But as one of God's most tired soldiers, nothing I can do but keep walking.

What I'm confused about: dawg last time, i kept searching about how conditions co exists like— Thats normal?? N the last diagnosis I was in confirms it does and nothing to worry about. BLUD I AM DEF WORRYING. Autism n bpd? u mean my behavior and shit isnt meant to be invalid as most people perceive — u mean these fckass experiences built that bpd? ☠️ WHAT AM I THEN—

(I'm having a hard time believing it bc as an adult, it's harder to process information like these)

#messyr #uhh HAHA! people n my environment -- is like- all fun and games until you actually start showing mentally ill shit yknow?#like whoa didnt know ur fkin crazy or like in a way theyll say or avoid bc they cant handle what theyre seeing #some stays to understand and help and i am VERY grateful for them.#bpd #no i dont mind answering questions like these #if anything i like sharing the experience bc ik other people are able to relate to it or have the same #at least they know they are heard and valid #comorbid conditions

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changif · 1 year

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190912

#chan #bang chan #stray kids #skz #createskz #bystay #*gifs #*#an iconic look...#i think headband chan...#anyway..#today was not a great day for me... i stayed in bed till like 9 pm and didnt eat a thing...#decided i'd try to at least do something productive so i scrolled randomly and picked a random file.#and it turned out to be this one...#thought abt kay em essing today but... even just seeing him made me feel a little less awful #anyway... nothing really matters and i cant feel a thing today but i know i love him...#i love him so much hm...#hes such a lovely person...

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vaugarde · 23 days

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havent seen this take in a while thankfully but it popped up in my head and i wanna post this anyways. i think everyone who talks about how siffrin “got off too easy” at the end of isat and his friends should have abandoned him should go read warrior cats if they want an example of a character using their trauma as their god-given jailbreak card to treat their family and peers (a good amount of whom who were completely innocent) like dogshit, and who faces zero consequences from the narrative for it (and in fact bends over to blame their peers). like read all the shit jayfeather does while the narrative sobs over how tragic but awesome and quirky he is and then look me in the eye and tell me siffrin’s ending was poorly written.

#or look at titania from reborn. what who said that #at least siffrin’s trauma is actually developed and taken deadly seriously by the narrative and clearly isnt being used to excuse his behav #behavior #siffrin does some shitty things in the story but theyre very obviously in a horrible state mentally and physically thats been breaking them #down little by little by little until theyve exploded and broken down. and his family still holds him accountable for what he did #but they stay with him anyways because they love and respect and care about him and are horrified to learn his situation #meanwhile ivypool goes through trauma yeah but shes not really written like a realistic trauma victim #and when she hurts her sister over and over and over and over and over again its always her sister who has to make it up at the end #and we all gotta sob and coo over ivy because shes the fan favoriteand if you criticize her then you hate trauma victims #(ignoring dovewing’s trauma from the situation as well i might add)#while ivy never gets to grow or acknowledge how her attitude is hurtful to herself and others #its just ‘’well dovewing had it better so she better shut the fuck up and deal with the constant emotional abuse ivy throws at her’’#imagine if isat ended with siffrin going ‘’actually im not sorry bc you all havent suffered as much as me’’#and the party didnt object to that at all and they were like ‘’yes we do have it better so youre justified in hurting us #and also you are the most tragic character ever so you cant face emotional consequences ever’’#(and before anyone goes ‘’well dovewing left the clan and ivypool feels bad about that’’ the story doesnt position it as a consequence of #her behavior to her sister. canonically shes leaving to be with her baby daddy and SHES framed as the one hurting her sister #and shes the one whos gotta mend that rift. while the narrative doesnt acknowledge that that situation was partly her sisters fault at all #)#ok sorry for wc on main jumpscare. i wouldve posted over on the blog but i dont think people over there have played isat #echoed voice #isat spoilers

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kaeyacollection · 3 months

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Yo any Diluc Brainrotters out there?

I wanna make a longer post about Diluc's and Kaeya's dynamic with an interpretation I haven't really seen

Unfortunately the entire thing hinges on if Diluc has ever called Kaeya /anything/ other than his work titles

#ragbros #diluc ragnvindr #Kaeya Alberich #Kaeya #diluc #dont worry his 'im not your bro' line has been considered and processed #but like was there ANY other time?#I've searched places I usually stay well away from but no one evers posts the source of Diluc's side or say where they pull it from #only of Kaeya's #I know Kaeya's #I do not need Kaeya's #look around you #look at where you are #I am well aware of the things that man has said #But Diluc hasn't said a damn word and THAT'S leading me to something interesting #Genshin Impact Diluc #Genshin Impact Kaeya #you can tell I'm desperate when I start adding the full game name lmao #Genshin Impact #pspspspsps c'mere even if it's to say no otherwise you aint getting your next funny theory post from me #and yall loved Crepus theory #shame I cant change this to a poll but I'm not re-writting these tags #if you also dont remember Diluc mentioning Kaeya besides that ONE webcomic under the breath line of not being his bro #just put a '2' in the replies so I know that if I DID miss something obvious that I at least wasnt alone in it lmao

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puppyeared · 10 months

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Jitterbug

#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it #and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago #bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall #im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot #i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T #because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks #at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better #its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh #in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats #mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year #i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping #my art #myart #doodles #personal #diary

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bruciemilf · 1 year

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I think I'm gonna die soon if I don't talk abt Martha and her brothers

#BRUCE HAS TWO UNCLES AND HONESTLY? HONESTLY???#i am gonna fucking scream #literally wheres my post mortem panic. that scene where marthas and thomas families gather to decide what to do witj bruce #whos still reeking of death everywhere he goes and cant stand the taste of life #wheres my Philip kane -- the youngest of them the dumbest of them -- who says they cant just volley with a child #and have a contest over who wants him LEAST #wheres my jacob kane with a voice like winter observing Gotham from a clean glass window as he stares at the misery below #'do YOU want him then?' and philip stays quiet. hes serious. its unnatural for him to be serious. hes the stupid little brother #the jester. the family clown. he's thomas' favourite because he makes them laugh like a court monkey #and now he'll never hear thomas laugh again #and he still can’t bring himself to say he does #and bruce? bruce is tugging on Alfred’s trousers. he wants up. he wants to die #and alfred holds onto him and won't let him. 'take him.from me. i'll kill us both.'#AAAAAAAA #philip kane #jacob kane #martha kane #martha wayne #bruce wayne #HISSSS SHIS SSHISSSS #wahhh wails and cries #young bruce wayne

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mattzerella-sticks · 5 months

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When Eddie comes out as gay the funniest thing Buck can do is set him up on a blind date with Josh only for Buck to learn too late that Josh and Eddie don't like each other.

#911 on abc #9-1-1 on abc #911 abc #evan 'buck' buckley #eddie diaz #josh russo #gay eddie diaz #bi buck #they don't hate each other but they also don't get along they're oil and water #they're also adults and know how to exist in the same space without acting childish #i think it'd be funny buck being proud setting them up and telling maddie and chimney only for them to tell buck they don't like each other #only it's too late and eddie and josh arrive at the restaurant to see that buck set them up with each other #and despite not liking each other they stay because they rag on buck for setting them up because they're the only 2 gay guys he knows #3 eddie corrects josh but buck cant set either of us up with his bf #and i also think josh clocks Eddie’s feelings for buck but promises to keep them to himself #and they leave the dinner not closer but with a newfound respect for each other #plus i think it'd be a good way of tackling how not every gay person has to like each other #and also how to be an adult around people you don't like #neither will let buck live this down and also have a weird understanding where if they're in the same room at least they can #bitch and gossip with each other

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lokh · 5 months

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laishuro is experiencing a surge right now but im realising the same thing will happen to labru at a certain point too. i must appreciate this as long as i can

#do not forget us... stay strong laishuro warriors...#side note genuinely cant believe there are kabru haters. i think i was neutral when he was introduced #but actual haters???? man #i know labru is already like. pretty popular (i think? at least comparatively)#but i think with anime onlys itll really explode

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jrueships · 1 month

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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐

#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um #so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of #which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time #but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work #BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one #i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule #so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule #and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one #sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me #sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore #n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr #i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT #I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO #like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days #but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2 #BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there #bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a #trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION #im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like #we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up #i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING #i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid

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faunandfloraas · 4 months

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Like I do think Seungmin got pigeonholed as Dandy Boy and the Straight Man of skz and even thought they're 6 years into this everyone keeps falling back to that time and again, once in a while he gets to go out of that zone but they always bring him back to it in the end because that's /his station/ but boy. Do I wish they'd move on.

#(straight man not as in heterosexual but as in like The Boring One)#like even just looking at haircuts- seungmin has had the least styles #it tended to always stay similar length similar cut and style colour would change but like the overall vibe was the same #i think thats why the blonde mullet was so notable last yr bc it was finally something a lil different?#like they barely ever do him sexy or edgy its just kinda here he is in a suit #here he is in shorts and a sweater vest- even makeup? like stage makeup?#others will get dramatic or cool makeup once in a while but i honestly cant remember him ever really having that?#like can you just try different things with him now. its been 6 yrs.#people reblogoed my chanel post of him and were literally like WAIT THATS SEUNGMIN? bc even just a leather jacket toussled hair #and a slightly red lip was Notably different for him cmonnnnnn #lol no wonder hes been trying to get out there more this yr tho i think hes also aware and also trying to show different sides of himself #negativity

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nashvillethotchicken · 6 months

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Thinking about Lestat seeing Louis’s eating patterns as a waste of his gift/himself while Armand gives Louis food that he literally can not enjoy or digest just so he has something on his stomach

#if i had to give each of louis relationship a theme loustat would be shame and loumand would be enabling #which are both really bad ways of “helping” a partner with an ed #lestats shame and anger tactics only make louis more resentful and less likely to eat #while armand having the little drinks and exotic animals and the human food dont actually deal with louis problem head on-#cus at the end of the day louis is still not eating enough #and i think they really exemplifies both of their trauma and abandonment issues #both of them came up chronically food insecure #lestat was put into the role of provider at a very early age and stayed in that role until he died/was turned #so for him rejecting what lestat gives is like rejecting lestat cus he doesnt have anything else to make him “useful”#and lestats reaction to rejection is anger and control so he tries to shame and control louis into eating more/human #while armand has been abandoned by literally everyone he loves up till this point so for him its like #ok i can make people dtay if i give them what they want and what louis wants is to not feel bad about eating and so armand does that #but it still doesnt get to the root of the issue which is louis having poor coping mechanisms for his grief and other emotions #like either way you slice it. louis is not meeting his nutritional needs. he eats drinks from one guy eats a fox or some other small animal #when he should be having like two dudes at least #and then he has human food which according to anne rice makes vampires vomit up their whole stomach content so...#louis imma send you to my therapist shes great #interview with the vampire #iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #amc iwtv #lestat de lioncourt #ldpdl #iwtv 2022 #armand iwtv #armand #loumand #loustat #like armand gives louis food he cant eat just so he knows theres something in louis stomach even for a short while

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syntheticpaperd0ll · 7 months

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im feeling it tonight so this one goes out to all my girlies (gender neutral) with addictions. recovering from addictions. who don't want to recover from addictions. who are relapsing or have relapsed. who have moved from one addiction to the next. who cant recover from addictions. this one is for people with addictions other than drugs. shopping. sex. internet. food. self harm. all the weirdest and worst addictions that people may or may not consider normal. for all of you also trying to live in a world where addictions are so demonized, i see you. i love you.

#tw addiction #tw sh related #tw relaspe #mental health #addiction #s/h #cant tell anyone im addicted to cvtting without some asshole reaction srsly #i cant help it. i kinda dont want to help it. but its the truth and you need to accept that even if youre not happy about it #im notna drug addict but even so its the same story with overdosing #“stop it” and ??? how ??? why ??? when?? it feels good so why should i stop??#at least give me a valid reason damn it #and every time since the first the guy who just tells me to stoo gets this weird pitiful expression and i hate it #use your energy on someone who can help and/or who is more likely to benefit from these things #use your energy on someone who wants ti quit not stay bad/get worse #i get that youre worried but i am not the person who is going to value your worry over my own overwhelming urges

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deus-and-the-machina · 1 year

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I think an underlooked part of what shaped jin’s mindset was how even back in Torna, he was considered “property”. He and Lora spent their whole lives avoiding the authorities of Torna because they believed would straight up execute Lora to get Jin back, and no one ever denies it. and this has seemingly been a fear since Lora was a child. Jin had to hide his face everywhere he went. Maybe Torna wouldn’t have been cruel enough to execute a child, especially since the king seemed decent(?) enough, if not a bit distant. But the fact it was even a fear at all for Lora since she was so young is just awful to think about.

According to his past self’s journals, Jin and his old driver fought in a war of independence for Torna, perhaps what made him a hero to begin with. and because he’s a war hero for deeds he doesn’t even remember, the kingdom considers him owned by them. Which is on the nose in two different ways ngl. Both in how the Blades are seen and a wider metaphor of soldiers/state. idk it’s just very sad to think about

#I think a lot of people (esp people who dont really interact with the actual story of 2) boil jins motives down to lora too often #like yes her death sent him spiraling but his actual motives dont like. actually have much to do with her directly. it contributed to his #bad mental state that allowed him to get to that point but he still has plenty of reasons to hate how blades are treated and hes right!#its also why 'lora wouldn't have wanted this' doesnt really matter to him. yeah she wouldnt have. she's also been dead for ages so what does #it matter? like hes definitely not coping healthily mans is constantly retraumatizing himself by keeping her body around but like #he knows she's dead hes accepted it so hes doing better than N at least! jin hates being immortal but he stays alive to keep Loras memory #alive. but the longer he lives the more and more awful shit he sees and the more it breaks him. but he cant die bc then the only person left #who really knew lora would be gone (Minoth is alive too but he knew her for like several weeks at most alsfjakfjljfsa) and thats the curse #xenoblade #xenoblade chronicles #jin #siren says

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dawnsies · 8 months

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drew my version of Alice and Ares :V

#my art #dawnsies art #rune factory #rune factory 5 #rf5 #rf5 alice #rf5 ares #been having absolute brainworms over this game for the past two months and finally drew something to reflect that #in my silly little mind version alice is the one who loses her memories ends up in rigbarth and does all the game plot stuff #ares keeps his memories but doesn't end up reuniting w alice until like 2 yrs after she arrives in town due to circumstances and whatnot #at least that's the version/au thats been bouncing around my head the most rn lol. siblings ho!#cycled thru a couple different ways of drawing them but i think i landed on something im happy with #tried to deviate from my regular habits by playing fast and loose w the lineart and only doing some simple shading #...but i still stayed up all night doing this so i cant say if that was too effective XD oh well at least i like how it looks!

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