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excalibur-gone-missing · 9 months ago

Text

Paring: Dino x fem!reader

Requested: no

Genre: angst, fluff

Warning(s): cheating, angst, sadness, mentions of pregnancy (do inform me if there's more)

Summary: You were the light guiding Chan for the most of his life. now that you are not there anymore, he cant help but feel your absence as he reminisces his past and all those times you were there to ground him no matter what.

Word count: 6k

Other works

disclaimer: this is not the exact representation of the subjects in real life. I just use them for my inspiration.

special thanks to @spamgyu for helping me out 😭

a/n: I would greatly appreciate it if all of you could take a moment to comment on this fic. As an author, I find great value in your feedback, as it allows me to better comprehend my readers, and I thoroughly enjoy interacting with all of you. Constructive criticism is always welcome, so don't hesitate to talk about this fic or send me an ask.

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Chan's life was determined before he had a chance to consider it. His family wasn't well-off. They struggled from early on to get food on their plates. He knew from when he was a child that he had to support his siblings because his parents refused to do so.

So that’s exactly what he did. He got into SNU with a full scholarship, secured a good job, and built a stable life with six figures coming in annually to his bank account, providing enough money to support his siblings’ dreams.

But what did it all get him?

Nothing!

He sacrificed his teens and his twenties because his father felt the need to be a raging alcoholic, and now he stands in the middle of Gangnam in his beautiful flat with its polished floors. But he lacks the most important thing in life: happiness.

To be truthful, he lacks a lot of things, but happiness takes the cake. If someone asks him, he lacks friends too. But our dearest Boo Seungkwan would like to disagree about that. In Chan’s defense, friends are absolutely not equal to friend (just a difference of ‘s’, as our dear ‘Kwanie’ said. Plus, his multiple personalities make up for the said lack of ’s’, which further raises the question as to why the man does not go for a checkup, as it seems he has self-diagnosed DID. We shall never know).

Chan is happy about his brothers doing what they like, though. It’s not that hard to not be happy when he literally raised them. Sacrifices need to be made, he has realized; some just make more than others, and there is nothing one can do about that. He accepts that he is indeed grateful for the friend he has made, the one who has stayed with him and accepted him as he is.

Now, it may sound sappy, and Chan swears he will never tell this to Seungkwan, but he has indeed helped him through the thick and thin of life. All those late-night drinking sessions and ugly crying have brought him to this stage in life where he thinks of the boy as more of a family than anyone else. He helped him when Chan’s life was falling apart, and he also was there to scold him back to the right track when no one believed in him, not even himself.

Although he lacks happiness, he is fine with that (he at least has Boo Seungkwan). He can live with being sad; he already has!

This is where you came in, the reason for Chan’s genuine smiles, from back in college to five years ago. It was a pretty serious relationship that you both had. Chan loved you. He had plans of making you his wife. For God’s sake, he was in a relationship with you for almost ten years! But somewhere along the way, he messed up. He became the exact thing he had hated all his life.

He became a person like his father.

You, being the nice kind, tried your best to stop him from spiraling down the rabbit hole of bad habits. But alas, it takes two to tango, and if he didn’t want to be better, no one, not even God himself, could do it for him.

It took losing you to realize how messed up his life had become.

“Chan, I’m heading out. Dinner’s in the fridge—please actually eat it this time. We don’t need two meal skippers in this household,” you quipped, watching as Chan chuckled and gave you a quick giggle inducing peck before returned his attention to the document he’d been typing for the past hour.

“Sure thing, Your Majesty. Your command shall be dutifully followed!” he exclaimed with a mock salute, drawing out another laugh from you. With a playful ruffle of his hair and another peck on his cheek, you left the apartment to begin your night shift at the hospital.

Chan, unlike you, has just started his new job after completing his MBA. It’s been tough, but he’s persevered, and soon enough, you both will be able to enjoy the luxuries he could only dream of growing up.

Your fifth anniversary is approaching faster than ever, and now Chan finally has the means to fulfill your dream of a trip to Europe. The pressure of this new job is more than the last one, but getting those tickets would be a walk in the park now.

Quickly finishing his document and mailing it to the head of the department, he immediately goes to check those flight ticket prices and hotel prices. He releases a happy sigh the minute he realizes that it’s exactly what he had expected the prices to be. So, without wasting a single moment, he buys those tickets. He knew this gift would make you happier than ever.

The next month, you had been notified about the expensive purchase only because you had to get a leave from your job, and you obviously can’t disappear for two weeks unannounced. He, in reality, had no plans to inform you about anything, but he couldn’t interfere with your job either.

But at the end it was worth it, the look on your face the minute you were informed about the trip. Oh, if only Chan could frame it and keep it away from the world, only if he could keep you near him and never let you go. But he didn’t think of that then. No, he was happy he had told you earlier.

The happiness radiating off you as you kept going on and on about the clothes you needed to buy, all the foods you were going to try once there. It was what helped him keep going throughout the day, even though the work became tiring with every passing minute.

If only he could have stopped time and lived in that moment forever.

—

One thing he never realized is how demanding his job would be once he got into a higher position. The calls kept him up at night; they came at the most ungodly of times, and Chan was expected to pick them up, because he always did.

You never complained; it was fine by you. If anyone understood him, it was you. Both of you had highly demanding jobs, and nothing could beat the expectations your colleagues had on you both.

But what he had not counted on was those calls interrupting your trip. During the entirety of your anniversary, he was glued to that phone of his, never once able to leave it. It was one problem at the office or the other.

Again, you kept your mouth shut, enjoying your own company as your boyfriend busied himself with work in the hotel room.

That was the last trip you both had gone on. You figured that it was too much to ask from someone who had so much work to do. But still, you understood his hunger to do better in life. You understood that someone had to compromise in the relationship and wholeheartedly accepted that it had to be you.

Coming to think of it, it was not supposed to be like this. Never! Both of you were supposed to communicate and figure out what your relationship was supposed to mean. But somewhere along the line, it just became regular sex and nothing else. When you talked about this with your friends, all of them had the same reaction.

‘Leave him!’ they had told you, ‘he wouldn’t change, he prefers his job more than you.’

It was a regular thing now. But you were scared. All the years you had invested in the relationship, you never wanted it to become what it had. You had held out hope that one day Chan would notice you. He would realize he had a girlfriend who also needs his attention as much as his job.

It didn’t take too long for those dreams to come true, though.

—

One night, you sat down with the man, asking him about the changes in his life. You begged him to look your way beyond the times he made love to you. It was an intense conversation, filled with words that neither of you actually meant, but hurt you both equally.

That night brought you both another few years, or that’s what you think. It became better, both your lives and the relationship. You both would talk more, spend time with each other, laugh with each other, and go about your days with lovesick smiles on your faces. Although none of your jobs became less hectic, it still was as painstaking as ever, but the scenery in your shared home was peaceful. It was both of your comfort zones.

What neither of you realized, this peace that you both had brought back into your lives, was fickle. In order to keep it like that, both of you had to put in some effort.

—

It slowly became visible to both of you how much more effort this relation of yours needed. Both of you saw the way your paradise was crumbling down bit by bit. Nights became lonely for you. Chan, being the perfectionist he is, would be stuck up in his office until the rays of sun hit the glass windows, reminding him of the fact that he indeed had stayed the night in his office. The hectic job took everything away from him. It stripped him of his identity, and slowly it was also stripping his happiness and sanity away. It was like the darker times had hit both of you again.

It was then that he suddenly passed out on the streets due to extreme fatigue and was brought immediately into the nearest hospital, which was the one you worked at. Lo and behold, you were the nurse on emergency room duty that day. This was the first time you saw the love of your life in that state; you saw what this new job had done to him. How it had taken this happy and healthy person you knew and turned him into this sick, unhappy, and overworked person. Your helplessness mocked you in your face. At night, you stayed by his side after the doctors had given their verdict about him being too overworked. You took care of him like never before, making sure to make him take an ample amount of rest.

Sadly, the industry is ruthless. As soon as the employers became aware that their once highly valuable employee’s usefulness had diminished, they ultimately opted to terminate him. Although Chan claims there were some more internal politics involved in this sacking, there was no way he could have evaded it.

Both of you soon realized it was the best thing that could have happened to him. While being the worst experience he could ever go through in his corporate career.

You stayed by his side through every hurdle though. You never once let him feel the need to be more than what he already was. But life was giving both of you a hard time.

It took Chan another month to get a new job. But only this time, it was a better, more important position in a better company. This is when life took off for both of you again. With Chan back on track, equipped with the newfound knowledge of not working more than necessary, he was on a roll. Almost unstoppable.

This change also affected your relationship, but positively this time. Chan and you would go on constant dates and enjoy each other’s company way more than ever.

—

It was nearing your seventh anniversary. Both of you had talked about getting married and starting a family enough times for him to know this was the perfect time for him to propose.

So, on the day of your seventh anniversary, he had planned to take you to this fancy Italian place. He claimed that you deserved only the best. No one could ever argue with him about that. You, along with Seungkwan, had been by his side for so long that he had forgotten the time when he didn’t have you both. Nothing, absolutely nothing, would change that fact. With that it brought him to the most important question of that year.

“But what ring do I buy her?” the stressed boy asked his best friend.

“Wow, I wasn’t informed about the fact that y/n suddenly had become my girlfriend!” Seungkwan exclaimed sassily.

“Dude, you can calm down. She is still my girl, ain’t no way you are getting her. Find a girl of your own,” the shorter boy retorted back.

Why am I being asked about her preference for a ring then, huh?”

“Because she said, and I quote, ‘if you buy me an expensive engagement ring that I can’t even wear out because it looks too expensive, I will castrate you’,” Chan said seriously, bringing out a seal-like laugh from the back of Seungkwan’s throat.

“Do something meaningful for her then, you dumb fuck,” making Chan almost cringe at the scolding. Without letting the boy talk, his best friend continued, “Put in some effort and do something that shows you care, without having to spend a copious amount of money. I have no idea what you should do, but bro, if it were up to me, a girl would for sure get a ring no matter what!”

Now, this made him think. It made him think hard. But even after all that thinking, he couldn’t come up with a good idea for an alternative for an engagement ring.

It was not until the next Saturday when he was sitting on the couch waiting for you to choose a movie for the weekly movie night, did he stumble upon the perfect idea for a ring? Like any usual person, the man was scrolling through TikTok when he found out that one could make rings out of clay.

Perfect!

If you didn’t want a diamond ring, you shall get a clay ring. For you might catch the sun lacking one day, but not Chan, never Chan!

—

This kick-started the learner phase of Chan’s life once again. He would visit the pottery classes every week because he needed to excel at the art to mold the perfect ring. One suitable for daily wear and also because this hobby brought him more peace than ever.

He made some friends here; they were fun to hang out with. You had met all these new people flooding into his life. He would parade about the with his hand on you showing you off proudly.

“Who wouldn’t?” he would ask whenever someone pointed it out. This question had the power to make him start ranting about you at any given point. So much so that after a point, people stopped asking him about you, no matter the context.

Because, oh boy, was he in love.

It took him one year and some friendships to finally complete learning everything there was to learn about pottery. In the course of that time, he had littered your shared house with his creations.

Oh, you wanted to buy a new bowl because you saw it on Instagram? No fear, Chan shall make it this instant. Oops, your favorite coffee mug broke? Chan has come to your rescue with a better, scientifically cute, usable, and overall better mug for you.

The creative spark of the boy never dimmed down, nor did his extroverted nature. Every other day, he would be out with his new friends, so much so that even Boo Seungkwan noticed. You both had chats with each other about the changes in Chan’s life over a cup of tea whenever Seungkwan would come over.

To say that you both were happy about him enjoying life would be an understatement. You had seen the pain the man had gone through in his life. It only made sense for him to have the best of the best experiences when he had the opportunities.

But again, as people say, one should do everything in moderation. It seems that Chan could do nothing in moderation. He would work himself half to death. In this case too, he started drinking and partying himself half to death. The outings that were done to unwind after a long hard day became parties that were making the day even longer.

The friends that helped him overcome the pressuring environment of his office became the ones who would pressure him to go way out of his comfort zone, all for the wrong reasons. People say twenties are times when people experiment with their life and gain new experiences.

The same was applicable for Chan too, the only difference being he was learning different ways of spiraling down holes that are hard to climb up from. The hilarious part being, these were the holes that he had carefully dug out himself.

It’s not like you never stopped him, because you did. The minute you realized these new friends were pushing Chan’s limits in the wrong way, you didn’t waste a second to tell him.

“I think you should calm down with this partying and stuff. It’s unbelievably bad for your health,” you had told him one night when he had come home drunk out of his wits.

“I know how to have fun, not my fault you don’t!”

The boy had shouted at you before collapsing on the couch. Realizing it was a waste of time to even try and talk to him in this state, you tried again the next day when he was far more sober.

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?” you ask Chan, to which he shakes his still-hungover head and winces. Sighing, you continue, “Chan, you can’t let them get to you like this. Moderation is the key here. Please don’t overdo anything, I beg you!” You hugged him, trying to coax him to understand where you were coming from. He obviously hugged you back and promised you to keep your advice in mind the next time they asked him out.

He didn’t. He swears he tried to. But the peer pressure got to him. Before he could even back off, they had already hauled his ass to the bar. He never wanted to disappoint you. So he chose to accept the most coherent plan his drunk mind could formulate: the plan to lie to you.

—

Your seventh anniversary had come and gone a year ago. The only gifts he could provide you that day were a fancy dinner and a solid promise that he would indeed get you the greatest ring you will have ever seen in your whole life. Now the time had come. The time to prove his skills. Those skills he spent an entire year honing.

During this cute date at home, he produced a small wooden box from his pocket. After you had enjoyed the homemade meal he had whipped up for you and you both were cuddling on the balcony, he proposed to you with stars in his eyes and hope in his heart.

He shocked you with the ring. Like your relationship, it was delicate, yet made with lots of love and care. You obviously said yes without hesitation. After all, you loved this man, and he loved you too. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever go wrong if he was with you.

It seems that no matter how hard you try, life always seems to have other plans for you.

The month right after you accepted his proposal, you received an invitation for a two-year-long workshop in Germany. Such opportunities don’t come every day, so you were elated.

Without wasting any time, you called Chan, informing him about the opportunity you had received. But like every coin, this great opportunity had its drawbacks too.

With the prospect of studying and learning under some of the greatest doctors and nurses came the hardship of leaving your fiancé behind. Chan didn’t like this one bit. He could barely stand to be away from you for a second, let alone two years.

But seeing the excitement on your face and hearing the joy in your voice, he couldn’t bring himself to ask you to stay back. He knew you had sacrificed a lot for him, compromised at times when you could have been happy if he hadn’t made decisions that ruined his life.

So he put on a happy smile and told you that if you didn’t take this opportunity, he would pack your bags himself and kick you out of the house. This assurance gave you the confidence you needed. Without wasting any time, you sent an email accepting the proposition to join the workshop.

The next five months passed in a whim. During this time, he had asked you to marry him before you went away, but with a peaceful and determined smile, you had told him, “I will marry you once I come back, like that, we won’t have to spend too much time as newlyweds. Plus, I will be smarter than you too.”

“You are always smarter than me. I can never surpass you,” was the answer you had received, along with a sweet kiss, making your heart swell like a balloon.

Life was starting to feel better again.

Chan had finally made his boundaries very clear. The boy felt extremely guilty for lying to you, though he never confessed to you about doing so. He made sure his actions proved his redemption. He ensured to let these new friends of his know that going out too much with them was affecting him in ways that he didn’t appreciate. Although they did sometimes win against him and force him to go out, it was not as bad as it was before.

—

Soon the day came when you had to fly away to Germany. To say that Chan was sad would be an understatement. He was devastated when he saw you off at the airport with Seungkwan. He had cried the whole way home, making Seungkwan scold him as if he were a baby.

“Now if you keep behaving like this, do you think she would be happy?” the older boy questioned him.

“No, but I miss her already,” Chan replied in a whisper while wiping his tears harshly.

“Be nice, be happy for her. You can talk to her all the time. It’s not the Stone Age,” Seungkwan said with an exasperated sigh, making the younger one stop his sad boy antics at once.

But it was not like Chan was okay. He started working overtime at the office, desperately waiting for you to call him when you got free. And call you did, religiously at six o’clock in the evening.

You both made the decision to talk at that time, regardless of any circumstances. This went on for six months. He tried his best to follow the routine of overworking himself before you would call and save him from killing himself with work.

But with all these works, his willpower also started to crumble down. The old ways came back to him. Before he realized it, he became a party animal. He made new friends at these clubs and bars he started frequenting. He thought you wouldn’t pick up. But you did. You saw how your boyfriend was slowly changing. It was not that obvious at first, but slowly you realized he was getting drowned with work.

Being the lovely girlfriend you were, you asked Seungkwan to take care of him. The boy tried his best to do so. But alas, he was not that successful.

It seemed to both of you that Chan had spiraled back into his overworking session. What you both were unaware of was that it was more than that.

Chan was not just overworking; he was over-drinking and over partying too.

—

One faithful night; he met Eva, his pottery class instructor. She was pretty. They talked the whole night, catching up like old buddies and having fun.

She brought a change to his life again. She started being there for him during times when he would lose himself. She was a great friend, so great that in no time you had the chance to meet her.

You had come back for a week’s vacation. Seungkwan thought it was important for all the friends to meet up because it had been a long time since he had seen you. This meeting was supposed to consist of only you, Chan, and Seungkwan. But Chan asked to bring in another friend he would like you to meet. It was Eva.

You liked her; she was nice. You wanted to be friends with her. Her sweet personality was something no one could resist, a great example of a sweetheart through and through.

For once, you were actually proud of your boyfriend’s choices in life. Your visit was over even before it had started. Suddenly, the week was over, and you were packing your bags to return to Germany.

This time, Chan was not as scared of things going downhill anymore. He knew that within a few more months, you would come back, and he could happily start the wedding preparations. He also knew he had a solid group of friends to have his back. Most importantly, he had learned the art of living without you. Not that it was happy, but now he could enjoy spending time by himself.

—

Time flew faster than ever. In no time, it was Chan’s birthday. Your program would finish that same month, so sadly you couldn’t visit him. All you could do was video call him that morning and congratulate him for hitting thirty before you, to which he grumpily replied, “Your birthday is in six months; I’m gonna make it hell for you.”

“Whatever, old man, get dressed. Don’t you have a job to go to?” You laughed at his grumpy face while teasing him even more.

“I miss you,” Chan suddenly called out, pouting.

“You will meet me next month, Channie. Don’t be this sad now.” Although that did make him happy, the thought of spending yet another birthday without you was saddening. But it’s not like it was going to last. You would be back in no time.

That thought put a smile on his face. Soon enough, he was skipping around the house cooking breakfast and answering numerous calls from his friends and family for being a thirty-year-old now.

Seungkwan and Eva had also planned a not-so-surprise party for him. It consisted of meeting in front of his office and dragging his ass to the bar to drink and have fun. Although the day was spent slaving away in front of the computer, that night he had a lot of fun. He talked to Seungkwan and Eva for hours, and the three of them were pretty intoxicated when they left.

The only thing he remembered from that night was the fact that Eva, being the one out of the three with the most alcohol tolerance, was the one who had made sure that all of them returned home safely.

There was just one slight problem. Eva started to avoid him. Now, in any other situation, he would not have noticed it, but the text the next morning asking him if he remembered anything from the night before had him confused. When he asked her what it was all about, she refused to answer him, opting to ignore him instead.

He had no recollection of the night before, and Seungkwan didn’t either, so it was a mystery to both of them. But then again, his gut told him the problem was bigger than what he thought it was and might come to haunt him if not solved now.

So he did the most sane thing he could think of: He asked her to talk to him about it. He knew the wedding preparations would start the minute you came back, so he wanted to make sure to fix any problem that might affect you both before it blasted out of proportion.

—

“You kissed me,” was the first thing Eva told him after sitting down, making Chan’s heart drop to his stomach.

“Huh, but I don’t remember anything,” Chan retorted.

“It’s not about you remembering or not, it really happened, Chan, and I hate it,” she said, her voice almost breaking.

“Hey, calm down. We were both intoxicated, and we didn’t do it on purpose. Any other time and we wouldn’t have done it,” this seemed to have little to no effect on improving the girl’s mood.

On the other hand, Chan’s blood pressure was rising. The last thing he needed was a big mistake from which he could never turn back. With you coming back from Germany in less than a week, he needed everything in his life to be sorted out, especially something that could jeopardize a relationship with so much love in it.

“Chan, I think I like you. I’m not sure when it happened, or how it did. But I like you. So please don’t tell me I wouldn’t have done it if we weren’t intoxicated.”

The impact of this statement was so immense that it completely shattered his world, leaving him in disarray. It was true that he liked Eva. What kind of feelings he actually held for her was a mystery to him.

So, in the spur of the moment, he kissed her.

Just a few minutes ago, it was bothering him, but once he took the step, he didn’t feel what he was supposed to. He didn’t feel the disgust and hatred towards himself he should have. It felt like sneaking out of his house when he was not supposed to. It made a rush of excitement run through his body. He could feel the adrenaline rush through him.

He felt alive. maybe it was the feeling of doing something forbidden or it was something else, he didn’t know.

But, that night, they did more than kissing.

—

Once you were back, it was all sunshine and rainbows in the first few weeks. You both were happy, spending all your time together and having fun relishing in each other’s presence.

But it didn’t take you long to notice the changes. He would be stuck late at the office but come back home surprisingly lively, or those random texts from his brother late at night asking him to come over, or even the most obvious of them all, the vibrant smell of floral perfume that you never wear.

But you held out. You had promised to give him a chance to explain himself if he came clean to you. But that day never came. You asked him about these odd behaviors, but somehow he would always evade the topic altogether.

All those questions of ‘where were you last night’, ‘when will you come home’, or ‘shall we go on a date sometime soon’, all went unanswered.

He outright ignored your presence at home. But this didn’t stop the wedding preparations. Because his siblings and your parents alike loved him, they had taken the responsibility to take care of the wedding plans.

Before he could continue with his little escapades, Seungkwan caught and confronted him. Not by you but by Seungkwan. The older boy’s disappointment was beyond words. He screamed at him for an hour straight and then he had sat Chan down and calmly said,

“Either you tell her or I will.”

“But I can’t; she will leave me if I ever tell her.”

“Then she will be right in doing so.”

“Chan, I love you to death, but either you stop this and tell your girlfriend the whole truth, or I will take matters into my own hands. She has put up with enough of your shit. Don’t hurt her more,” he had said.

“Give me some time; I will do it as soon as possible,” the younger one had strained out, fisting his hair.

“She better know about it all before the wedding,” Seungkwan had warned him before seeing himself out.

—

Chan had cut off Eva after that. He tried to change everything before actually marrying you. Then, being the kind person you are, you tried to understand your boyfriend. You really did. But this was the first time in ten years you considered leaving him.

This relationship didn’t make you happy anymore. But you had gone through so many troubles together. The effort to hold each other upright was taking a toll on you.

But you were a fighter. You had fought many battles with him by your side. You couldn’t give up on those years either. Your internal dilemma was killing you. But all of this came to a halt one day when you had come back from your night shift, only to find your boyfriend and the girl he oh so diligently claimed to be his good friend, talking in the living room.

It was not like they were trying to be quiet because you could hear every single word spoken by them.

“Chan, it’s yours.”

“Eva, I have a fiancé. I will never leave her. I already told you, I love her.”

“Oh, so you didn’t think about that before fucking me”

“It was a mistake”, Chan shouted.

“No, it wasn’t, we both were very sober”, came another shout

The conversation hit you like a truck, and with each sentence, you felt your heart shattering. The decision suddenly seemed a bit too easy to make.

You walked out of the chaos, leaving the ring behind on the shoe rack. That night, you stayed at your friend’s place.

Following that event, you called Seungkwan, informing him that you won’t talk to Chan anymore. He simply asked if you wanted any help moving out, to which you answered with a simple no.

That was the end of the relationship for you. You refused to talk or see Chan ever again.

—

Now, five years later, Chan is to be married again. Not with you; no, he missed his chance. It's with Eva. They figured the best way to raise Minhan was to be together. In a county like theirs, it wasn’t the best idea to raise a kid with two unmarried parents.

Chan loved Minhan to death. But he could never show the same love for Eva. Looking at her reminded him of the mistakes he made in life. It reminded him of the happiness he could have attained, but he lost due to his own faults.

He is happy Seungkwan is still beside him. He knows he doesn’t deserve a friend like him, so the fact that Seungkwan stayed beside him makes him feel grateful.

He knew that his wife and child would move in with him soon, but he didn’t have the courage to let them into the house yet. The house that held both your memories was a bit too precious to let go of so easily.

The next day came faster than he anticipated. As Chan stood there waiting for his bride, he saw a face that he had been longing to see for the last five years.

He saw your face, sitting there on the benches, a sad smile adorning your face. Your eyes filled with emotions and stories of the years you had spent together.

Oh, how badly Chan wanted to abandon everything and run to you. Apologize a hundred times and ask you to take him back. But he couldn’t; he had children to take care of and shoes to fill.

As he stood there saying his vows, hoping it’s you he saw walking down the aisle and it’s you he kissed, but they are called dreams for a reason. And not all dreams come true.

As he kissed his bride, he saw a glimpse of your teary eyes amongst the crowd, and a tear of his own fell. Wishing for a future he was never destined to have.

the end

102 notes · View notes

soracities · 2 years ago

Note

Hey! It has been on my mind lately and i just wanna ask..idk if it would make sense but i just noticed that nowadays ppl cant separate the authors and their books (ex. when author wrote a story about cheating and ppl starts bashing the author for romanticizing cheating and even to a point of cancelling the author for not setting a good/healthy example of a relationship) any thoughts about it?

I have many, many thoughts on this, so this may get a little unwieldy but I'll try to corall it together as best I can.

But honestly, I think sometimes being unable to separate the author from the work (which is interesting to me to see because some people are definitely not "separating" anything even though they think they are; they just erase the author entirely as an active agent, isolate the work, and call it "objectivity") has a lot to do with some people being unable to separate the things they read from themselves.

I'm absolutely not saying it's right, but it's an impulse I do understand. If you read a book and love it, if it transforms your life, or defines a particular period of your life, and then you find out that the author has said or done something awful--where does that leave you? Someone awful made something beautiful, something you loved: and now that this point of communion exists between you and someone whose views you'd never agree with, what does that mean for who you are? That this came from the mind of a person capable of something awful and spoke to your mind--does that mean you're like them? Could be like them?

Those are very uncomfortable questions and I think if you have a tendency to look at art or literature this way, you will inevitable fall into the mindset where only "Good" stories can be accepted because there's no distinction between where the story ends and you begin. As I said, I can see where it comes from but I also find it profoundly troubling because i think one of the worst things you can do to literature is approach it with the expectation of moral validation--this idea that everything you consume, everything you like and engage with is some fundamental insight into your very character as opposed to just a means of looking at or questioning something for its own sake is not just narrow-minded but dangerous.

Art isn't obliged to be anything--not moral, not even beautiful. And while I expend very little (and I mean very little) energy engaging with or even looking at internet / twitter discourse for obvious reasons, I do find it interesting that people (online anyway) will make the entire axis of their critique on something hinge on the fact that its bad representation or justifying / romanticizing something less than ideal, proceeding to treat art as some sort of conduit for moral guidance when it absolutely isn't. And they will also hold that this critique comes from a necessarily good and just place (positive representation, and I don't know, maybe in their minds it does) while at the same time setting themselves apart from radical conservatives who do the exact same thing, only they're doing it from the other side.

To make it abundantly clear, I'm absolutely not saying you should tolerate bigots decrying that books about the Holocaust, race, homophobia, or lgbt experiences should be banned--what I am saying, is that people who protest that a book like Maus or Persepolis is going to "corrupt children", and people who think a book exploring the emotional landscape of a deeply flawed character, who just happens to be from a traditionally marginalised group or is written by someone who is, is bad representation and therefore damaging to that community as a whole are arguments that stem from the exact same place: it's a fundamental inability, or outright refusal, to accept the interiority and alterity of other people, and the inherent validity of the experiences that follow. It's the same maniacal, consumptive, belief that there can be one view and one view only: the correct view, which is your view--your thoughts, your feelings.

There is also dangerous element of control in this. Someone with racist views does not want their child to hear anti-racist views because as far as they are concerned, this child is not a being with agency, but a direct extension of them and their legacy. That this child may disagree is a profound rupture and a threat to the cohesion of this person's entire worldview. Nothing exists in and of and for itself here: rather the multiplicity of the world and people's experiences within it are reduced to shadowy agents that are either for us or against us. It's not about protecting children's "innocence" ("think of the children", in these contexts, often just means "think of the status quo"), as much as it is about protecting yourself and the threat to your perceived place in the world.

And in all honestt I think the same holds true for the other side--if you cannot trust yourself to engage with works of art that come from a different standpoint to yours, or whose subject matter you dislike, without believing the mere fact of these works' existence will threaten something within you or society in general (which is hysterical because believe me, society is NOT that flimsy), then that is not an issue with the work itself--it's a personal issue and you need to ask yourself if it would actually be so unthinkable if your belief about something isn't as solid as you think it is, and, crucially, why you have such little faith in your own critical capacity that the only response these works ilicit from you is that no one should be able to engage with them. That's not awareness to me--it's veering very close to sticking your head in the sand, while insisting you actually aren't.

Arbitrarily adding a moral element to something that does not exist as an agent of moral rectitude but rather as an exploration of deeply human impulses, and doing so simply to justify your stance or your discomfort is not only a profoundly inadequate, but also a deeply insidious, way of papering over your insecurities and your own ignorance (i mean this in the literal sense of the word), of creating a false and dishonest certainty where certainty does not exist and then presenting this as a fact that cannot and should not be challenged and those who do are somehow perverse or should have their characters called into question for it. It's reductive and infantilising in so many ways and it also actively absolves you of any responsibility as a reader--it absolves you of taking responsibility for your own interpretation of the work in question, it absolves you of responsibility for your own feelings (and, potentially, your own biases or preconceptions), it absolves you of actual, proper, thought and engagement by laying the blame entirely on a rogue piece of literature (as if prose is something sentient) instead of acknowledging that any instance of reading is a two-way street: instead of asking why do I feel this way? what has this text rubbed up against? the assumption is that the book has imposed these feelings on you, rather than potentially illuminated what was already there.

Which brings me to something else which is that it is also, and I think this is equally dangerous, lending books and stories a mythical, almost supernatural, power that they absolutely do not have. Is story-telling one of the most human, most enduring, most important and life-altering traditions we have? Yes. But a story is also just a story. And to convince yourself that books have a dangerous transformative power above and beyond what they are actually capable of is, again, to completely erase people's agency as readers, writers' agency as writers and makers (the same as any other craft), and subsequently your own. And erasing agency is the very point of censors banning books en masse. It's not an act of stupidity or blind ignorance, but a conscious awareness of the fact that people will disagree with you, and for whatever reason you've decided that you are not going to let them.

Writers and poets are not separate entities to the rest of us: they aren't shamans or prophets, gifted and chosen beings who have some inner, profound, knowledge the rest of us aren't privy to (and should therefore know better or be better in some regard) because moral absolutism just does not exist. Every writer, no matter how affecting their work may be, is still Just Some Guy Who Made a Thing. Writing can be an incredibly intimate act, but it can also just be writing, in the same way that plumbing is plumbing and weeding is just weeding and not necessarily some transcendant cosmic endeavour in and of itself. Authors are no different, when you get down to it, from bakers or electricians; Nobel laureates are just as capable of coming out with distasteful comments about women as your annoying cousin is and the fact that they wrote a genre-defying work does not change that, or vice-versa. We imbue books with so much power and as conduits of the very best and most human traits we can imagine and hope for, but they aren't representations of the best of humanity--they're simply expressions of humanity, which includes the things we don't like.

There are some authors I love who have said and done things I completely disagree with or whose views I find abhorrent--but I'm not expecting that, just because they created something that changed my world, they are above and beyond the ordinarly, the petty, the spiteful, or cruel. That's not condoning what they have said and done in the least: but I trust myself to be able to read these works with awareness and attention, to pick out and examine and attempt to understand the things that I find questionable, to hold on to what has moved me, and to disregard what I just don't vibe with or disagree with. There are writers I've chosen not to engage with, for my own personal reasons: but I'm not going to enforce this onto someone else because I can see what others would love in them, even if what I love is not strong enough to make up for what I can't. Terrance Hayes put perfectly in my view, when he talks about this and being capable of "love without forgiveness". Writing is a profoundly human heritage and those who engage with it aren't separate from that heritage as human because they live in, and are made by, the exact same world as anyone else.

The measure of good writing for me has hardly anything to do with whatever "virtue" it's perceived to have and everything to do with sincerity. As far as I'm concerned, "positive representation" is not about 100% likeable characters who never do anything problematic or who are easily understood. Positive representation is about being afforded the full scope of human feelings, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and not having your humanity, your dignity, your right to exist in the world questioned because all of these can only be seen through the filter of race, or gender, religion, or ethicity and interpreted according to our (profoundly warped) perceptions of those categories and what they should or shouldn't represent. True recognition of someone's humanity does not lie in finding only what is held in common between you (and is therefore "acceptable", with whatever you put into that category), but in accepting everything that is radically different about them and not letting this colour the consideration you give.

Also, and it may sound harsh, but I think people forget that fictional characters are fictional. If I find a particularly fucked up relationship dynamic compelling (as I often do), or if I decide to write and explore that dynamic, that's not me saying two people who threaten to kill each other and constantly hurt each other is my ideal of romance and that this is exactly how I want to be treated: it's me trying to find out what is really happening below the surface when two people behave like this. It's me exploring something that would be traumatizing and deeply damaging in real life, in a safe and fictional setting so I can gain some kind of understanding about our darker and more destructive impulses without being literally destroyed by them, as would happen if all of this were real. But it isn't real. And this isn't a radical or complex thing to comprehend, but it becomes incomprehensible if your sole understanding of literature is that it exists to validate you or entertain you or cater to you, and if all of your interpretations of other people's intentions are laced with a persistent sense of bad faith. Just because you have not forged any identity outside of this fictional narrative doesn't mean it's the same for others.

Ursula K. le Guin made an extremely salient point about children and stories in that children know the stories you tell them--dragons, witches, ghouls, whatever--are not real, but they are true. And that sums it all up. There's a reason children learning to lie is an incredibly important developmental milestone, because it shows that they have achieved an incredibly complex, but vitally important, ability to hold two contradictory statements in their minds and still know which is true and which isn't. If you cannot delve into a work, on the terms it sets, as a fictional piece of literature, recognize its good points and note its bad points, assess what can have a real world impact or reflects a real world impact and what is just creative license, how do you possible expect to recognize when authority and propaganda lies to you? Because one thing propaganda has always utilised is a simplistic, black and white depiction of The Good (Us) and The Bad (Them). This moralistic stance regarding fiction does not make you more progressive or considerate; it simply makes it easier to manipulate your ideas and your feelings about those ideas because your assessments are entirely emotional and surface level and are fuelled by a refusal to engage with something beyond the knee-jerk reaction it causes you to have.

Books are profoundly, and I do mean profoundly, important to me-- and so much of who I am and the way I see things is probably down to the fact that stories have preoccupied me wherever I go. But I also don't see them as vital building blocks for some core facet or a pronouncement of Who I Am. They're not badges of honour or a cover letter I put out into the world for other people to judge and assess me by, and approve of me (and by extension, the things I say or feel). They're vehicles through which I explore and experience whatever it is that I'm most caught by: not a prophylactic, not a mode of virtue signalling, and certainly not a means of signalling a moral stance.

I think at the end of the day so much of this tendency to view books as an extension of yourself (and therefore of an author) is down to the whole notion of "art as a mirror", and I always come back to Fran Lebowitz saying that it "isn't a mirror, it's a door". And while I do think it's important to have that mirror (especially if you're part of a community that never sees itself represented, or represented poorly and offensively) I think some people have moved into the mindset of thinking that, in order for art to be good, it needs to be a mirror, it needs to cater to them and their experiences precisely--either that or that it can only exist as a mirror full stop, a reflection of and for the reader and the writer (which is just incredibly reductive and dismissive of both)--and if art can only exist as a mirror then anything negative that is reflected back at you must be a condemnation, not a call for exploration or an attempt at understanding.

As I said, a mirror is important but to insist on it above all else isn't always a positive thing: there are books I related to deeply because they allowed me to feel so seen (some by authors who looked nothing like me), but I have no interest in surrounding myself with those books all the time either--I know what goes on in my head which is precisely why I don't always want to live there. Being validated by a character who's "just like me" is amazing but I also want--I also need-- to know that lives and minds and events exist outside of the echo-chamber of my own mind. The mirror is comforting, yes, but if you spend too long with it, it also becomes isolating: you need doors because they lead you to ideas and views and characters you could never come up with on your own. A world made up of various Mes reflected back to me is not a world I want to be immersed in because it's a world with very little texture or discovery or room for growth and change. Your sense of self and your sense of other people cannot grow here; it just becomes mangled.

Art has always been about dialogue, always about a me and a you, a speaker and a listener, even when it is happening in the most internal of spaces: to insist that art only ever tells you what you want to hear, that it should only reflect what you know and accept is to undermine the very core of what it seeks to do in the first place, which is establish connection. Art is a lifeline, I'm not saying it isn't. But it's also not an instruction manual for how to behave in the world--it's an exploration of what being in the world looks like at all, and this is different for everyone. And you are treading into some very, very dangerous waters the moment you insist it must be otherwise.

Whatever it means to be in the world, it is anything but straightforward. In this world people cheat, people kill, they manipulate, they lie, they torture and steal--why? Sometimes we know why, but more often we don't--but we take all these questions and write (or read) our way through them hoping that, if we don't find an answer, we can at least find our way to a place where not knowing isn't as unbearable anymore (and sometimes it's not even about that; it's just about telling a story and wanting to make people laugh). It's an endless heritage of seeking with countless variations on the same statements which say over and over again I don't know what to make of this story, even as I tell it to you. So why am I telling it? Do I want to change it? Can I change it? Yes. No. Maybe. I have no certainty in any of this except that I can say it. All I can do is say it.

Writing, and art in general, are one of the very, very, few ways we can try and make sense of the apparently arbitrary chaos and absurdity of our lives--it's one of the only ways left to us by which we can impose some sense of structure or meaning, even if those things exists in the midst of forces that will constantly overwhelm those structures, and us. I write a poem to try and make sense of something (grief, love, a question about octopuses) or to just set down that I've experienced something (grief, love, an answer about octpuses). You write a poem to make sense of, resolve, register, or celebrate something else. They don't have to align. They don't have to agree. We don't even need to like each other much. But in both of these instances something is being said, some fragment of the world as its been perceived or experienced is being shared. They're separate truths that can exist at the same time. Acknowledging this is the only means we have of momentarily bridging the gaps that will always exist between ourselves and others, and it requires a profound amount of grace, consideration and forbearance. Otherwise, why are we bothering at all?

#this is so much longer than i intended but yeah. those are my very long 2 cents #tbh i also think social media makes it worse in a way especially bc “transparency” has become a form of public vetting which is insane to m #me* transparency and honesty are not the same thing ans its ludicrous that this is where we're at and while we all have to live with this #demand for transparency i do think it affects writers differently bc the whole art as mirror thing comes to the fore in this argument #why would you sit with your feelings about a book when its easier and more accessible for you to @ the authors twitter handle #but anyway #ask #anonymous #book talks

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the-demon-prodigy · 9 months ago

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thoughts on the role of the protagonist in bungo stray dogs

today im talking abt the protagonist stuff i see in the fandom all the time! i'll only be talking abt dazai and atsushi here, but anyway dazai would NOT make a good bsd protagonist, not personality wise nor thematically.

first of all, the story of bsd is about people who are lost, who dont know how to live. atsushi is the best fit for that thematically because he starts the story at the very bottom: just kicked out of the orphanage, no friends, etc etc. by the time that the story takes place, dazai has already gotten a good chunk into his little healing journey so its not a good idea for him to be the protagonist because part of him is no longer a "stray dog" thematically.

another thing is that the story could not follow pm dazai, this is because the story of bsd at the end of the day is partially abt the strength of perseverance and hope and its a story about choosing to do the right thing, it would be thematically contradictory for it to follow pm dazai. anyway atsushis personality also fits because he is honest, uncertain, yet he is also determined. he has a stronger connection to the shows themes overall.

also, dazai wouldnt be a good protag simply because the story would be too simplified. dazai views the world in a very complicated way, which would muddle the story, but he also solves everything too easily which would remove the stakes.

as the author himself stated, dazai fits best into the mentor role because he is a living representation of the eventual success that comes to a person if they ig apply the overall themes of the story in their life? hes kind of a success story at the point of the current story and i feel like the story also sorta needs that solid proof of how strong its themes can be like i just mean like the story needs someone who's already gone through a mostly complete arc to reinforce its themes and their actual relevance. and dazai also likes being secretive so hes cuter as a mentor idk also atsushi needs guidance and i cant think of anyone else who could do that for him you know??

also a lot of the story parallels fall apart if atsushi isnt the protag bc the parallel between dazai and chuuya is strengthened by the one between akutagawa and atsushi and vice versa.

also a character like dazai who has a lot of connections and fits in a lot of places in the plot is best in a secondary role because they can guide/push the story along with their influences but they dont drive the story firsthand because if they did then it would be cheap/not really earned and bsd is partially abt thriving after making an effort. in conclusion, atsushi is a good, thematically sound protagonist, and as much of a good character as dazai is, he doesnt fit into the protagonist role

#sorry this isnt gramatically correct but yk #atsushi nakajima #☆thoughts☆#☆analysis☆#bungou stray dogs #bsd dazai #bsd analysis #bsd #bsd atsushi #went inactive for weeks but then the autism struck again so have this unorganized thing i originally sent to my friends in a gc

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eye-merely-jest · 7 months ago

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instead of finishing my oc's reference thing for artfight im gonna bitch about this thing thats been rotting my brain for god knows how long –

WHERE ARE ALL THE ARTISTS IN THE FALLOUT UNIVERSE ?????

i LITERALLY think about this on the daily, where are the musicians where are the writers where are the painters where are the basket weavers WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ARTISTS !!!???! in ALL the games (and the show for that matter) theres only like,, a couple that come to mind ??? and even then, at best they're bloodthirsty psychopaths. (lookin' at you pickman and redeye) ,,, (cut here as to not be obnoxious !!)

and, i mean, hey, listen. i LOVE my bloodthirsty psychopath artists as much as the next guy, but art as a whole is so scarce in the wasteland from what we see in canon that it gets to be very disappointing that this is seemingly all we've got !!!

like, you're SERIOUSLY telling me right now that theres not a single guy said "FUCK YOU BING CROSBY I'M TAKING MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS SO I NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DEAR HEARTS AND GENTLE PEOPLE EVER AGAIN !!!!" or even something as simple as !! "i'm gonna draw caesar and president aaron kimball having hot steamy passionate gay sex."

and there's SO many layers to this in my noggin as well, like, HRRGHGGVBVBVM.

GRAFFITI!!! I LOVE WHENEVER WE SEE GRAFFITI!!! particularly the loading screens in new vegas is what comes to mind, since those ones are SO interesting to me. like, it varies from faction to faction what's being written, and we're able to see this visual representation of the tiniest, most indirect ways that groups like the ncr and the legion are at war with each other. its SO fucking cool and it makes me SO insane. WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO SEE MORE OF THIS !!!!

and this is just the EENSIEST POSSIBLE EXAMPLE of what could be done with artistic themes in these godforsaken games !!!! GOD its such a fascinating concept and i could go on about this for HOURS. (and who knows, maybe i will later)

FUCK MY BRAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW AND I CANT THINK COHERENTLY ANYMORE !!! GOT TOO SILLY !!!! I'VE BARELY COVERED ALL I WANTED TO BUT IF I DON'T FINISH THIS NOW I NEVER WILL !!!! AUAUUGG

anyway :). I WANT BETHESDA TO DO THAT THING THAT CD PROJECKT RED DID WITH CYBERPUNK 2077 AND GET MUSIC MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR THE GAME AND ITS LORE AND ITS HISTORY AND damn i love cyberpunk's music END TWEET !!

#not proofreading this fuck you #im going insane i think #just avert your attention maybe #fallout #fnv #fo4 #fallout prime

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petalpetal · 9 months ago

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okay top 5 favorite books I think that my followers/tumblr would like in no particular order

Yume by Sifton Tracey Anipare

its magical realism that addresses the racism foreigners face in Japan (especially black people and people who are half Japanese)

The Library on Mount Char by Scott Hawkins

probably the best novel I have ever come across that has the most in depth orginal lore that you would only find a series buts it one book.

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

probably the best representation of how to escape your abusers

The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean

what if vampires ate books instead of blood but with a lesbian and asexual representation in it. (also gives handmaiden tale vibes)

Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura

this is a beautiful story about how bulling/family trauma can affect kids. the premise is all of these middle schoolers are invited to a fairy castle for a whole year where they have to option to be granted any wish they desire as long as they find they hidden key. within the first week its obvious they all have one thing in common none of them are gong to school because of bulling.

I HIGHLY RECCOMEND THIS IF YOU EVER FELT LIKE AN OUTSIDER WHILE AS A TEEN BECAUSE YOU WILL RELATE TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE CHARACTERS

if you cant get a copy of this I suggest watching the anime movie or reading the manga.

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gale-gentlepenguin · 2 years ago

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So I know Representation came out today. And any good fan would wait a week before reviewing it as we still have episode 23 to watch.

GOOD THING IM A DEGENERATE

Gale Reviews: ML Season 5 episode 24 Representation

spoilers below

-So as expected, Chloé didnt stay mayor long. But Apparently Ms.Bustier is running for Mayor and might win

-Oh its the Fencing teacher/ guy who was Darkblade. Well clearly Ms.Bustier is going to win

-And Adrien and Kagami are a power couple? But Adrien is watching the news report while they are in London. Something seems VERY off

-Ah, Gabriel is behind it. And Adrien HATES it.

-"By letting your father decide your life and selling your story through a fake narrative as usual." DAMN Plagg holds no punches

-Plagg appologized though.

-Kagami is also pissed about it

-HEY ITS FELIX/ARGOS

-Wait ... is that really my chaotic son? HEARTS ON WINDOWS.

-Thats adorable, WTF

-Okay so THEY got some development.

-Adrien deciding to just say f*** it. He is heading to paris and Telling Marinette he's chat noir!

-Marinette back in paris looks miserable. Poor baby girl. Also its a lovely dress.

-Marinette has been crying. I am going to kill Gabriel

-Marinette being strong for her friends to enjoy this dance. Thats really big of her.

-Unfortunately, Spotlight.

-Wait, how did Argos and Kagami get to Paris BEFORE Astrochat? Unless they left much earlier but even then. My bet is Argos made a sentimonster that would warp them places... but that seems like BS.

-KAGAMI KNOWS MARINETTE IS LADYBUG?! Since perfection. Damn.

-KAGAMI TOLD FELIX!?!?!?! FELIX?!?!?! Okay I am a bit salty about that

-OH S***! THEY KISSED. The Feligami stans are Eating today.

-Felix is dressed like Adrien? Oh I do not like where this seems to be going.

-And Marinette thought she saw Adrien and wants to go after him while her friends are thanking her for everything she's done. Way to ruin a good moment FELIX you ass!

-Side note, WHY is Marinette the only one in a dress? Like its a dance? Why couldnt everyone Have dressed up? Seriously, I know outfit renders are expensive. DID THE KITCHEN COST THAT MUCH?

-Marinette avoiding the Lesbian bee and accidentally interrupting the Bi artist and writer. Sure is Pride month in Paris.

-Okay this is just cruel. Marinette thinks she is having a break down over this. Side note. WHY ISNT ADRIEN ACTUALLY HERE YET? HE IS ASTROCHAT!

-Alya and Nino trying to comfort her. But she aint listening.

-Adrien and Kagami escaped and the parents are pissed

-Oh no Nathalie looks really bad right now. Poor thing. All she can do is watch videos of her true love Emilie

-He took the ring back, guess now that Nathalie is too weak to fight him. Which really brings up the question, WHAT HAPPENED in the last episode that Nathalie took such a turn.

-Gabriel is being a d*** as usual

-Nightormentor sounds like a cool name. And while I thought the color scheme is weird... its probably the best akumatized form Gabriel has taken. Sad but true

-AND OF COURSE RIGHT AS SHE LEAVES ASTROCAT ARRIVES. I know its plot convenience but thats bull s***

-"His father CANT have that much control of him" Oh if only you knew Nino

-And BOOM! Gabriel the bitch agreste arrives

-I am liking Rose so much recently. She is calling out EVERYONE

-So he basically has the powers of Sandboy mixed with Darkerowl

-the guy has the power to make you experience VERY intrusive thoughts. That is evil

-Chat noir is like "Hey ladybug gonna go beat up my father text me later"

-Dude Felix must be an Olympic speed walker

-Marinette is basically being nightormented without that bastard even being here. Felix, Kagami this is just a jerk move.

Duusu: "This is so sad" Felix: "Dont worry its for Our happy ending" Duusu: F*** yea lets keep it up

-Oh he made a sentimonster... wait. I know its not human but like a sentimonster MAKING sentimonsters. Feels even more f***ed up

-THEY ARE DOING A F***ING PLAY FOR HER!?

-OH MY GOSH! ITS THE STORY OF EMILIE AND AMELIE!

-Meanwhile, Chat noir is working through his daddy issues.

-Back to the play

-Oh this is interesting.

-Oh and we find out Felix's dad was a rich Cowboy. But also an asshole. (Oh right, this is a French Cartoon, thats why American's suck in this)

-Back to Adrien fighting his father

-This is Cathartic watching Chat noir beat Gabriel's ASS

-HE WAS GOING TO CATACLYSM HIS DAD! Adrien, my boy. Patricide adrien? Well Monarch is still alive, so I guess you think it wouldnt kill him. BTW, Monarch should have had ptsd from that.

-And Chat noir got hit, so his worst fear is... and cuts back to the play

-Oh the twins were infertile. Emilie returned to try and get medical help but still nothing.

-The peacock, that was the sentimonster reference

-Oh so THATS how Gabriel got Gorilla to guard adrien.

-Also yea, any doubt that they arent sentimonsters is dead now.

-ITS CHAT BLANC WITH BLUE HAIR!?

-Oh s*** that is f***ed up.

-"It will end if you give me your miraculous"

-"Take it." ADRIEN NO!

-Oh so thats why Felix's dad was an a**hole. Okay I will give this credit. That is something.

-Welp this explains why Felix might be a sociopath

-Felix revealing why he did what he did

-THE RESISTANCE! COMING IN CLUTCH

-THE TRAY!

-ALYA JUMPED ON HIS BACK.

-They got the akuma in a jar.

-Wait, Chat noir defeated an akuma without Ladybug. (sure he had outside help, but Ladybug has done that too). Good on him

-WELL S*** THAT WAS TRIPPY.

-Felix and Kagami asked for Marinette's help. so was that all the sentimonster doing so? I am lost

-Okay so, I may not LIKE exactly how they went about it. But I cant really hate them for what they did. They are just kids that want to pick someone they trust.

-Oh s***, Ladybug never cast miraculous cure. So Adrien has some perminant trauma from the fight with Nightormentor. He still sees the antichat visions (its not chat blanc, and its just reverse color pallet)

-Chat noir left. before he could tell her. Cause the nightmare messed with him

-WAIT DID TOMOE AND GABRIEL JUST LOCK THEIR CHILDREN IN STERILE ROOMS? WTF!

_________________________________________________________

Okay! This episode was A LOT.

Well there is no denying Sentimonster theory. Its confirmed. Its done. 100% GUARANTEE NO MONEY BACK.

It did explain a LOT about Felix and Adrien.

So I am still iffy on how it was handled.

Now this DOES NOT justify Felix's Actions. He was still an a**hole. And Kagami shouldnt have told Felix. Marinette is Ladybug. That was NOT her secret to tell.

BUT the play that explained what happened was very well done. It explained a LOT about the Graham de Vanily family and Felix's a**hole father.

I will say that I hated how tortured Marinette was during this. Felix and Kagami could have done something less cruel to lure her there.

I also greatly enjoyed Chat noir vs Nightormentor. very good catharsis and we have Adrien going through some additional mental trauma, inflicted by his father (I wouldnt call it Ironic, more of EXPECTED)

I give it 7.5/10

I will say its the most I have enjoyed the second half of this season since Emotion.

#ml #ml spoilers #gale reviews #miraculous ladybug #ml representation #ml representation spoilers #feligami

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likeadevils · 10 months ago

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what songs from TTPD and TA are now yours? Which ones have spoken to you the most?

songs that are genuinely MINE

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus: i cried myself to sleep listening to this song on repeat on release night and for the life of me i cant tell you why. i think it’s a great example of her being older really deepening her writing— just that old scarred over longing of a possible life, a possible love, too far away to reach but close enough to brush past. also, the double edged sword of “if you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say’ i loved you the way that you were’”— you loved me before i’d twisted myself into the shape i am now in order to keep my current partner, but also, you loved me the way i was, not the way i am now

i look in peoples windows: i wrote a poem with the line “im afflicted by the not knowing” in it!! inspired by the outside!! and by spending so much of my childhood reading by moonlight and spying on my neighbors through their windows!!! it was called where midnight lives!!! what the fuck!!!

robin: another song i sobbed hysterically to. i was a strange little violent child obsessed with dinosaurs it feels like a lullaby someone made specifically about 3 year old me.

songs that i’m obsessed with:

but daddy i love him: the bridge is just so fun to scream along to. everytime ive been in a car since the album came out ive played this at least two times just cause

fresh out the slammer: it’s just. the first verse??? the way the song stutters apart for the last verse??? this song takes the blurry muse conceit of the album and uses it to its fullest. also just the diminishing returns from “but its gonna be alright, i did my time”

i can do it with a broken heart: my first listen favorite

the smallest man who ever lived: the bridge????? the bridge???? the bridge???? a few of the negative reviews specifically mentioned this song as boring and for a millisecond i was so angry i could’ve exploded

the black dog: this is like, the platonic ideal of a taylor swift song to me. just that old quiet tragedy she can build out of little moments of hoping your ex will remember you when they hear your favorite song or not having known your last kiss was your last kiss or your ex still sharing their location with you. like, it’s just her at her best, but with the maturity to sing “and you jump up, but she’s too young to know this song”

i hate it here: people have talked about seeing reputation in the anthology but i think you can also see so much debut and it makes me feel so tender. also i genuinely don’t understand why people don’t like “if chose the 1830s but without all the racists” like?? it’s supposed to be a bit clunky?? the songs about the limits of escapism?? the line enhances both of those themes?? also “i’m there most of the year” is such a funny devastating relatable lyric to say about a daydream

thank you aimee: it’s not every day a song inspires you to send this message about something a child did to you (fuck you madeline!!! fuck you jessie!!!)

the bolter: avoidant attachment representation!!! i love that it takes the stuff she hated about herself in the archer and just accepts and loves them and appreciates what they’ve given her. i especially love it because bolt can mean like, crossbow bolts, so it’s a flip on the archer. also “bolt” is one of my favorite words i love all the different meanings

“the only thing that’s left is the manuscript, one less souvenir from my trip to your shores, now and then i re-read the manuscript, but the story isnt mine anymore” also just had me sobbing. there’s just. wtf!!!!!!

#asks*

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natsmagi · 1 year ago

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I hate to be rude but do you know how to draw body fat or are you just gonna make tsumugi a stick with boobs over and over

THE "I HATE TO BE RUDE" AHAKGSQKG3KWHQJSUANSHDNGN PLEAAAAASEE ANON DONT LIE TO URSELF U KNOW DAMN WELL THIS WAS WRITTEN WITH CONDESCENDING INTENT LMAO but to answer ur question; yea i do! admittedly im not the best at it as i lack experience (i dont draw nudity very often so the opportunity barely arises) but i do have a general understanding of how its meant to look and yes i will continue drawing tsumugi as a stick with big boobs over and over! because this is the body type i headcanon her with and i think it suits her. i know boob sizes arent that deep, but a figure like hers carries a more "motherly" vibe to it (theres a reason we say "mommy milkers" n shit after all) plus it adds to her "hot klutz anime gf" energy. theres a Reason this portrayal is so common in the broad enstars community (including JP/KR/CN/etc artists too). when coming up with femstars portrayals my priority is not in giving you representation (that was never even there to begin with); it is to try and translate what made the character good in the original and keep that energy in this new version. now, sometimes adding a larger bit of diversity DOES help translate over the characters energy, and its a win-win for all! it just simply is not how i picture tsumugi in my head (but this does not mean i eat up those different portrayals of her any less!!! i think its super fun to see and she will always be absolutely gorgeous!!!!). if you disagree with my headcanon of her you quite literally do not need to consume my art. no one is forcing you to look at what i make. Pick up a pen and draw the tsumugi of your dreams yourself

and before anyone brings it up: yes!! skinny ppl can have big busts!!!! crazy, isnt it?? ud never expect it from the way yall discuss it! boob sizes are determined partially by fat, yes, but also genetics and if uve undergone pregnancy (the mommy milkers.....) so its INCREDIBLY weird to see people constantly talking about how those of us who draw tsumugi like this "dont know how women look" when yall dont even research the shit you spew. the reason "big boobs skinny waists" is something we've been fighting against in media portrayals is because there was a time where that was ALL THE PORTRAYAL OF WOMEN WE'D GET. THAT IS UNREALISTIC. women come in ALL shapes and sizes, and to dictate what women Can or Can't look like is fucking misogynistic and i cant believe you people dont realize this. i cant believe you dont realize the harm in what you say. alot of skinny people with big busts end up getting breast reduction surgery because 1. those mfs are heavy and 2. everyone sexualizes them!!!!!!! their bodies are viewed purely as something pornographic!!!!!! and no one wants that!!!!!!!! which shit like THIS (something being wrong with having big boobs) perpetuates. often times they hide their busts by wearing baggy clothes, which hides their figure and they end up looking a few sizes bigger just to avoid being viewed as an object. its sad!!!!! and now theres a new wave of people BODYSHAMING THEM??????? and for what??? because men think big boobs are hot???? why can women only exist in contrast to men???? why must women always think about how men will react to how they look or behave?????? why cant women of all body types just EXIST. why must there ALWAYS be someone we punch down at???? bodyshaming isnt suddenly cool just because youre shaming something men get off to

so, i have a question for you too! genuinely, what is wrong with drawing tsumugi like this? what is the harm? theres like 6 characters out of the 49 in enstars that i hc with big busts, so its not like im reducing women to this body type, and its queer people and women who are my target demographic. so whats wrong with it? im genuinely curious

#this is already long enough but not to mention how literally the entire male cast are shaped like stick figures too #like i hate to break it to you guys but mama? kuro? adonis? sticks.#they have notable abs but thats literally it #there is no muscle on those arms #so why is it now our responsibility as fanartists who draw for fun to give you something canon couldnt even provide?#again!! i think its LOVELY when people DO provide!!! but to act like we Have to? thats when it starts being fucking weird #ask

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i-eat-mold · 9 months ago

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cw: IF YOU THINK IM COOL AND YOU WANT TO KEEP THINKING THAT WAY THEN JUST SCROLL AWAY!!!

Not to be whiny on main but here is my niche complain of the day. Can you imagine being a child and knowing, not just thinking, but knowing something is deeply wrong with you, with the way you feel emotions n others n such. You try to bring it up a couple times because this cant be how everyone else feels? They would act a lot different?? but adults and friends just laugh it off, so you asume thats just how everyone else feels and it just seems weirder to deal with to you, so you shut up, and you keep this little thing inside you, this little secret about being wrong, so so so wrong, you take care of it like a little pet and convince yourself to not think much of it. Then you read Sherlock Holmes for the first time, you watch House MD for the first time, both probably too young. People laugh at them, consider them exaggerations and assume that no person could actually feel and act like that, right? But you do. God, you do, and if you were to say that outloud, best case scenario would be for it to be taken as a joke. So you say nothing, and that little pet of messed-up-ness keeps barking inside of you. Every time a character that you relate to acts like such, it is met in the same way by everyone around you, and the thing behind your throat keeps growing and growing with every realization of just how wrong you were made. And then you casually end up on some internet forum, and there is a stranger stating, word for word, all the thoughts and feelings youve ever had, every bark that thing has thrown at you. Turns out, youre not messed up. At least, youre not the only one that is messed up. You read more and more about the people talking about this, who experience this, and it is a perfect representation of the conversation you have had countless times inside your head imagining how would you explain yourself to someone else if they ever dug deep enough to find out. Damn.

Now i understand this has been a common experience for many people who grew up undiagnosed with autism, adhd, or many other things. If you relate to this, yay! I hope this makes you feel a little less alone in your experiences, and you got this. Though this might get more specific now.

You have found people that are just like you. You dont know any of them, but it must be real, right? how else could someone write word for word the most specific thoughts youve had all your life like theyre telling you about their day? So you find out what it is. Its an actual thing! It exists! you can finally name your little pet, you can finally pet it and say "its ok, you exist, you are real." So its an actual thing, you tell yourself, an actual medical condition. So you go, dig into every book in every library about the topic, trying to see if you can find anything that might help you understand yourself more. But library after library, book after book all you find is a simple list of symptoms written in the most despective way possible and pages and pages of tips for people to get away from you. It explains over and over how you are a rapist, a delinquent, incapable of caring, and ultimately a person you must stay away from at all costs. At the ripe age of 14. So you shut up and you keep that weird little pet of messed-up-ness to yourself.

OK RANT OVER GO BACK TO THINKING IM COOL

#please dont think im not cool #i totally still am #shitpost #aspd #cluster b #aspd culture is #cluser b culture is #i guess some other people might also identify so:#autism #neurodivergent #npd #bpd

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frostytherobot · 7 months ago

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Maybe plenty of white leftists might have expressed annoyance at identity politics, but wanting representation in media is not a political act or should be described as the problem. By anyone. Even people who say they dont like homophobia. Or championed women 10 years ago or whatever those tags said. (im sorry i cant read them while im writing this :)

Let me also say I fully agreed with their evidence with their Scientist man schtick, that Ghostbusters 2016 was manipulated by the studios to stoke controversy because the movie was unfunny. Because they were right, it was very unfunny. I saw it. So i believe its very true that creating an artificial controversy can get people to see a movie/show. Mike knows all about that fact, he reported about it with the Ghostbusters controversy, but yet still he flames on this acolyte controversy with this both-sidesism stuff. Saying that somehow identity-politics is equal part the problem. Between people who want diversity in their media and those who do not want it. i dont see how anyone doesn't see the inherent bigotry in that. Unless you see white straightness as the default. Especially when star wars has how many dozens and dozens of shows/movies? and only relatively recently has diversity crept into it. If you don't like the acolyte show, thats ok, dont watch it, watch something else. What's the problem?

Maybe you are right that they just are not using their words correctly. I might even buy that cause i love their content, and do not want to think of them like this, but that video felt tortured in trying to appease right wing bigotry by saying not wanting diversity is on equal footing as wanting it. does anyone actually believe that? Because it sounded like he was saying that by calling identity-politics the problem

trust me i'm also fucking sucking ducking tired (lol that is a great line) with trying to calmly explain that wanting diversity in media is only political if you see "white straightness" as the default.

thank you for listening.

peace and love.

Maybe it’s just not coming across to me in the way they worded things that they inherently think of whiteness/straightness/cisgenderness as the default. But then again, they’re white guys.

I do think that while Mike seems to act like he doesn’t care about what people think of him, he feels the need to tiptoe around his language or hide it behind (not great) jokes, because it is his channel and the way he and his friends can afford to live, all things considered. It’s a problem with trying not to alienate the kind of audience he’s accumulated over the years, and the comments section on that video does indicate the kind of vapid, idiotic audience they have. That’s another conversation totally, and one that needs to be had, but not really what I’m talking about right now.

I think I do understand what you’re saying though, showing both progressive and reactionary views on media being part of the problem is kinda shitty, BUT I don’t totally think they were trying to say people seeking representation are the problem. Moreso championing the products of a corporation that don’t write well-rounded and three dimensional characters, especially doubling down to fight with reactionaries is. When we have algorithms always feeding us things that are tailor-made to make us angry, it’s a problem that we’re feeding that machine. Again, I just think they’re really bad at what they’re trying to say, especially because Mike has a tendency to poke the bear with just about everything. Another problem considering that doesn’t come off well in serious conversation, but that’s just how he is.

I will say I don’t know their full views on everything, but because of the opinions they’ve shared in the past and the discussion they had with diverse representation in other shows and how much they like them, I don’t think they’re bigoted. Maybe just stupid. But perhaps that’s just me wanting to think the best of them, because I do understand where they’re coming from even if they’re not articulating it properly, and I do understand being angry with them because of that.

I really don’t want to seem like I’m arguing blindly for two people I don’t know, but I don’t want to outright claim they’re the same kind of people who are totally opposed to marginalized people existing in media. Peace and love to you too!

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enanzaz · 4 months ago

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In Defense of the Shinonomes:

pt1: Ena Shinonome and talent

note: its been a while since ive written summaries on some of my fav characters so if get things wrong feel free to tag me or reblog or dm me or sumthin. this is me word vomitting bc i js like yapping about my fav characters. i will try my best to provide solid evidence. this is mainly written based of her first event/comm and the main story. im still tryna keep up w the events lol but ive been playing for 3ish years

written by an ena kinnie/enthusiast

ena is such a well written character for the enviorment shes in the authors really locked in for her. shes portrayed as this insecure hotheaded girl with an affinity for art despite (allegedly) not having any talent for it. this is what drives her to do art in the first place, to prove to everyone she can do it. she represents anyone whose ever had to prove to someone/people they can do something. she faces failure time and time again. she has canonically failed getting into art programs and by her first comm, barely has a name for herself, in social media and in person

but she still keeps going, albeit for not the greatest reason but still understandable, spite. she despises her father and get increasingly annoyed/insecure because she is so stuck on the fact he doesnt think she can do it, so she does it anyway.

in a way, her dad makes a couple of crucial points as an artist (hear me out for a minute). its INCREDIBLY hard making it as an artist. for a good portion of them they get little to no fame because they are always rejected. its only easy if you have connections or an innate talent (which can be argued). most people create art because they WANT to. they either have a message to give by doing it or they just like the act of creating something pleasing to look at. which makes it SO hard because it can take YEARS to even have a good grasp of it. a good representation of this exact dilemma is blue period (i love that show sm and i need yatora and ena to meet). so from an artists perspective and if her were talking to a COLLEAGUE hes not exactly wrong on this front.

but worded perfectly by akito in her firsy comm (again) shes not seeing him as a fellow artist/ colleague, but this is her DAD, and the fact that hes saying ‘she cant make it’ IS INFURIATING. this is his daughter and hes immediately undermining her will are you fucking kidding me?? this is YOUR child and you arent supporting her interests and goals and career she wants to pursue in life??? everything i listed in the former paragraph is thinks she needs to find out HERSELF or if its even going to be a problem for her. as a girl who also wants to pursue painting/art as a career whose been blessed with parents who can semiaccept it (love my momma), this is just a HORRIBLE thing to tell a kid growing up,.

its no wonder why shes seen as angry/insecure when at home if shes always put down time and time again, which is why its so satisfying to see her succeed in something seperate. why its so nice to see that even though she failed her first art contest/didnt win any prizes she can still feel CONFIDENT in herself and her art. its what all artists want to be.

holy shat this is long but tldr; i love ena, i think shes a wonderful representation of an artist not born with an innate talent, which makes the payoff so much more worth it when you have to work for it. it is incredibly rigorous and time consuming and draining and sure lets say her dad is right, maybe shes not BORN with a talent, but honestly, nobody is, its just easier for some than others. and ena is DAMN GOOD at what she does, and the fact that she still chooses to keep GOING is a testament to her craft and how dedicated she is to it. she is one of my favorite characters EVER because it is admirable how she finds the will to keep going, even through rough patches, anger, frustration, and crying and even wanting to quit multiple times (to my knowledge) she keeps GOING.

i think thats her talent; her perseverance.

authors note: if this does well maybe ill post an akito summary or maybe my own art

more notes: holy crap i word counted it ITS ROUGHLY 700 WORDS SORRY YALL

#project sekai #essay writing #ena shinonome #art #pjsk #ena pjsk #holy crap i love ena smmmm shes my fav #she is such a well written teenage girl ty sega for creating her #artist #artist problems

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porcelain-dollbones · 4 months ago

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long mh post but positive (?). just describing the way i think and my parts. self harm and suicide mentioned tho

i am writing this down bcos i have never written it down before, and i think it will be good to.

so i conceptualise my self as a number of 'parts' acting in tandem, each with their own wants, needs, and ways of behaving. everyone is like this in some way i think, but due to my various experiences and mental makeup mine are a lot more conflicting than most. i developed this understanding to help me reconcile and deal with my own often extremely contradictory thoughts, desires & beliefs. when i am acting in an extreme way i view this as "being in" one of my parts. i suppose they essentially represent different mindsets i often fall into. this is not to say they are not me, or i am not myself when acting in an extreme way. i am always myself, even when i do things i later regret. my self is just a little variable. this way of thinking also helps me to be nicer to myself, as i feel much worse being mean to my parts than to myself as a whole. bcos i made them cute.

i dont consider myself to be a system/plural or to have DID. i gave these parts intentional names and faces myself, and it wasnt until i did this that i heard their voices independently, rather than as just part of my own thoughts. there is almost never disassociation between my parts even when i am clearly most influenced by one. they are not separate 'personalities', just different pieces of the one me. ultimately i dont rlly care how its categorised though. this is just my subjective experience.

i feel silly making this comparison but honestly the closest representation ive seen to how i think is harry's thoughts in disco elysium- chiming in, making suggestions, offering commentary, disagreeing, chattering with eachother sometimes. i hear this inside my head, not as outside voices, and it usually takes at least a little effort to "tune in" and hear them properly instead of just a jumble of voices like my thoughts were before i intentionally separated them. sometimes though its very obvious who's talking without having to think abt it. i am not able to perform this separation when i am too deeply in one mindset- i can hear the other parts talking but i cant think of myself as being in one part.

when im in a calm spot, i can leave the present and go to my 'realm'. this is a very calm and safe place that i have built in my head (it wld take too long to describe bcos it is quite large and detailed but what matters is that it feels like a physical space to me). in my realm i am able to directly 'see' my parts and talk to them as if they were separate people, which is very useful for understanding what each of them wants or is upset or happy about. sometimes i also hold them or am held by them. our usual place to meet formally is a small white iron table under a wisteria by the river, where we have tea and discuss things. when i or one of them is upset and needs soothing, we will often sit on the hillside in the flowers and look out over the river and beyond. it is sometimes difficult or distressing to talk to my parts, and sometimes they say difficult or distressing things whether i am intentionally listening or not. but i know that all of them are simply trying their best. anyway, these are my parts as i currently understand them:

neferu: neferu was the very first part i conceptualised, during the period of several months i spent in hospital. she holds many of my deepest, most difficult and most dangerous feelings. she has the appearance of an opalescent, milky-white serpent with a black mouth, and when i am upset i can physically feel her coiling around inside my ribcage and squeezing my heart, my lungs, my viscera. she spends most of her time asleep and only talks occasionally, when she is roused. when she does it is often angry and bitter. she feels things are hopeless and wishes us to give up, and she speaks my suicidal thoughts. when she talks through me to other people it is often frightening and difficult for them. my friends have largely requested i do not speak to them while in that mindset, which is very understandable. despite this i do not think she is evil. she is only trying to protect me in her own way, and bears my pain. she is a snake because snakes to me are beautiful and protective, but also dangerous and must be approached carefully.

cosette: not related to the les miserables character. i just like the name. she is the part of me that desperately desires love and connection and gets very upset when she feels abandoned or betrayed. most of the time she looks like a large multicoloured beetle with feathered wings under her elytra, but sometimes i turn her into something else to make fun of her or hug her (these are two of the best ways to make her calm down). very, very jealous and possessive. she is possibly the absolute loudest part, especially when she gets riled up which happens very easily. when this happens she flies around in buzzing, noisy circles in my head. most of my self-harm urges come from her. she can be quite exhausting but i love her, because i know she only wants love. cosette gets along best with ganymede.

ganymede: my vanity, my ego, my self-confidence. ganymede looks like a beautiful androgynous figure with moth wings or simply like a huge, fluffy white moth. they are supremely convinced of their (and our) own incredible beauty, intelligence and deservingness. it is very rare for me to be "in" ganymede but when it happens it feels thrilling and energising. ganymede does actually talk often but tends to get shouted down or drowned out. they very much enjoy teasing my other parts, especially genevieve. ganymede can be extremely helpful and can be a huge boost, but they are very unrestrained and selfish, uncaring about boundaries and self-assured to the point of arrogance. this can sometimes enable self-destructive behaviours. also loves arguing.

genevieve: genevieve is responsible, dutiful, proper. she is the reason i dont wear skirts above the knee and cant say swear words. she looks like a wind-up doll with a doe's head. she is very 'functional' and i will intentionally embody genevieve when i am at work. she makes me sit up straight and attend to my duties and is usually the part to drag me out of bed when i feel paralysed. she is very prone to guilt-tripping and berating when i act in a way that is irresponsible or improper, and is quite scathing of the other parts, particularly ganymede. more than anything she loathes my work in prostitution. to everyone else who is not my parts, however, she is very polite. she is also in charge of the doll-maids who keep my realm's manor tidy (the doll-maids are also versions of me).

morgie: the most 'normal' part of me (for a given definition of normal). mostly level-headed and rational but a bit jumpy and superstitious. cannot be trusted when talking about anything "unreal" but reliable otherwise. the 'voice of reason' and head negotiator when things get heated. unfortunately prone to sarcasm. never the first to speak, but tends to chime in to reply to other parts. she looks like me but a little prettier bcos i cant help myself. she wears lovely dresses.

my teen self: hangs around. talks sometimes but i dont listen. we do not get along. not allowed in the manor and not particularly welcome at meetings. i dont know where my teen self goes at night when everyone else is sleeping in the manor and honestly i dont care. looks like me as a teen, obviously (read: ugly). lulu: my child self. she is very, very quiet and essentially never speaks at all. i feel terrible for her and wish i could help her more. she is the only one allowed into my secret bedroom in the manor as sometimes she wants to sleep next to me. she is often very scared. she looks, of course, like me as a child, but she wears big ruffly dresses that i never actually wore, and her hair is much longer. she is most afraid of neferu and gets along best with morgie. missy: i wrote about her recently. the part of me left over when i disassociate. she deals with my clients and other difficult things. totally apathetic. doesnt talk and doesnt respond when spoken to. barely aware we even exist, i think. i feel very bad for her but there is not much i can do. she fulfills an incredibly important role and i cannot even say thank you. she looks like a vague, flickering shadow.

my future self: i have to call her this because i do not know her name. she has promised to one day tell me. she is who i am meant to become. i never see her directly and do not know what she looks like, but she is vast and luminous and warm, and i think has very long, wavy hair, and perhaps even beautiful wings. she appeared quite unbidden one day without me purposefully envisioning her, which makes her very unique among my parts. at times she stands behind me, and wraps me in her arms and holds me very gently. she is unfailingly patient and kind no matter what, even when i am at my worst. i know that i am supposed to become her, but it is very hard to believe i can. i know i have other parts that i have not put a face and name to yet, because sometimes there are voices or mindsets that are unfamiliar. i will get to them in time. if u actually read this far thank u lots. some of my friends will easily recognise some of these mindsets i think. that is all i have to write. 🌷🌷🌷

#mh stuff #very long

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