#i cannot express how excited i am to keep building this life with them

[basil-eats-rocks]

My partner is so unbelievably wonderful and we've been talking a lot about the future. It feels so easy with them. They make these things seem doable, like I can actually get there and be happy. I love the way he talks about our future home, too. He and I are so dedicated to making a home out of wherever we end up, but he's especially excited to get a place with a yard for a garden and a dog and our future kids to play in. Late night fire pits and cozy summer hammocks. I love the world they're creating with me. I wouldn't ask for anyone else to paint it with.

[lilap20]

Chapter Five: The Dragon's Descent into Winterfell

Chapter five updated:

@koobratzy, @beebeechaos

What marked the marriage of the heir to the throne was the blood shed But also the King's illness showed itself to everyone, spitting blood and falling A few moons later, Lord Cregan Stark sent a Raven The King and his Small Council agreed, Princess Nymeria and Lord Cregan were to be married.

When I get up this morning my stomach is knotted with excitement and the hurried noises in the Palace make me smile, it's the day!

I'm going to go north with my ladies, my sister and her husband for my wedding. Port Réal and Winterfell have been in contact for several moons discussing the preparations and the number of guests, not being close to Cregan during the preparations is my only regret, but I know he cannot go south whenever he wants , he has duties and the costs for such a trip would be overpriced.

All the Lords of the North will be present, my uncle and aunt Corlys and Rhaenys, Queen Alicent who will represent my sick father, my dear sister and her husband.

My heart sinks thinking of Daemon and Leana, they should be there, but I know that my cousin is waiting and that Daemon prefers to keep her in Pentos and then leave for Drithmark, I don't blame him, he takes care of her wife and would not want her to have any worries during her pregnancy which is admirable.

-Princess, are you up?

Talyssa opens the door, peeking her head in then smiles when she sees me sitting with a dreamy smile on my face.

-Happy ? Talyssa asks, sitting down next to me.

Her long red hair is held in a bun and her blue eyes shine, she is as happy as me, she is happy for me. She opens her arms and I fall into them, she strokes my hair while humming.

-Are you ready for the big trip? -I'll be on Dragon's back, Nightmares will quickly catch up with the boat, it won't be that long. -I speak of your long journey to the North, Nymeria.

The gentleness of his tone makes me nervous and happy at the same time, for three moons I prepared for my marriage to my new life in the North, but never, never have I felt so uncertain, I am sure of my choice but I'm scared.

-I'm ready, even if I'm a little scared. Will the Nordiens accept me? Will they be afraid of my dragon? And this heir thing.

I want children, but the labor is what scares me the most, my mother died from it, my grandmother died from it, it’s something that runs in our family.

-Everything will go well, Nymeria, you will see. Talyssa reassures me

I nod, slowly detaching myself from her.

-Okay, we need to prepare you for the long journey that awaits us.

I hide my mocking expression when I hear her, which earns her a frown.

-What ?

-You're the one who has to get ready, you're going up with me, remember?

Talyssa turns white, becoming as pale as a worm, I burst out laughing at her decomposition before getting up to head towards the bath that my ladies are preparing. The steam rises in the room and I shiver with pure pleasure as I slide in, savoring the heat on my body.

I don't do anything, everyone takes care of me, even Rhaenyra comes to help me in my preparation, she takes seriously her role as eldest nurturing me and making me laugh. I put on my riding boots that go perfectly with my black riding outfit and my side cape in the red colors of my House. A dragon head brooch sits in my braided hairstyle and another on my outfit.

-You have grown so much, Nymeria. Rhaenyra whispers as she finishes my braids

-Look who says that, I laugh and she does too

The wedding, Daemon and Leana, the noises of the court, everything changed her and made her mature building the folds on her forehead. She understood that even if she was named heir, she would have to fight for her throne and her place. And I will always be by her side no matter what happens.

-You are so pretty, he doesn't realize how lucky he is. She smiled, placing her hands on my shoulders.

-Oh I think he knows, I frown, I hope.

She laughs, shaking her head before helping me get up, her purple gaze turns to find my sword on my table with my compass, a gift from my uncle who never left me.

-He should be there, remarks Rhaenyra, I know he would like to be there for you.

The lack of Daemon will be felt for both of us, for her because they are linked by the same flame, for me because Daemon is my greatest confidant.

-He sent me a gift. I respond by going towards the package

Ser Erryck took it to me yesterday, I didn't open it I wanted to wait until the wedding day. The emotion touches my heart when I caress the package.

-Shall we open it? Rhaenyra asks curiously.

I smile wistfully putting down the package to look at my sister. I know she's curious about what Daemon bought me but that's between him and me.

-On my wedding day I will open it.

-It won't be long. Rhae grumbles and I burst out laughing

There is a knock at the door and my sister turns to give permission to enter, Talyssa stands up after folding the last item of clothing, Ser Erryck pokes his head in and we all greet him, my heart sinking a little when his gaze passes over me.

The love he has for me is just impossible to live with, my sister, may the Gods help her, is already in this kind of relationship and I can't attract problems while she can have them.

-Yes Ser? I ask with a shy smile -Departure is coming soon Princess, your father wants you in his apartments.

I nod following him as Rhae and Talyssa order the servants to take the packages leaving after me to head towards the Dragonpit. In the corridors I can hear Alicent's children bickering in the big court. Except for my little sister, I won't miss them.

-I hope everything goes well in the North Princess. Smiled Ser Erryck

-Well you'll be there to see it. I smile as I stand in front of my father's door

Ser Erryck's body goes rigid and he tenses with guilt on his face.

-What is happening ? I ask with apprehension

He looks away and my breath catches, don't tell me he's not coming? He cannot stay here, he is my knight, my shield, he swore to me, only me or the King can free him from his commitment.

-I will not follow you to the North. He confesses and my heart bleeds immediately

-I did not authorize you to leave your post, Ser Erryck. My voice trembles as I say it

He sighs visibly embarrassed and refuses to look at me, I don't like it when he doesn't look at me, I don't like it when his gaze doesn't find mine. He has always been my most faithful companion and my friend.

-You will be the Lady of Winterfell, your husband will be your knight, the King and Queen, I tense, have asked that I stay for Prince Aegon.

I close my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek, by the Seven, why do I have to separate from him? Alicent took Cole under her wings and now she takes Ser Erryck for her son. Is this provocation?

-I'm sorry Princess Nymeria, it was an honor to serve you. He bow and I let go of more than one tear

Without him expecting it, I rush towards him and hug him, wanting to stay like that as long as possible.

-Thank you for everything Ser, I will not forget you, I will send you a raven every Moon, I promise.

Stunned by my gesture, he hesitates to hug me back but decides to do so, crumpling the fabric of my riding outfit.

- Your adventure begins Princess Nymeria, be happy.

He gently separates from me, his hand comes to caress my cheek and wipe my tears, then he walks away, knocks on the door and announces me. I breathe through my nose looking melancholy at his silhouette, my father under the influence of Alicent sent him for Aegon, I dare to believe that he will be a little happy since his twin is also in the service of this kid.

-Enter my daughter.

I enter the room, standing in front of my father. He sits at his table with ancient Valyria before him, his work that he cherishes so much. I approach with my hands clasped in front of me, my father's tired but happy smile warms my heart, he gets up to walk towards me, but I stop him coming towards him, taking his hands and sitting down in front of him. him.

-You are so beautiful my daughter, the portrait of your mother. My father caresses my hand with a shy smile on his face

At the mention of my mother, my hand twitches in hers, it's a subject we've never talked about.

-I don't know what to tell you, he admits, you were so close to your mother, very little to me, he sighs, I wish she was there to say the right words to you.

Heading towards Dragonpit my father's words loop in my mind, he killed my mother and regrets but now we are left with nothing but tears. My mother would have loved to see this wedding, sick or not, she would have come to the North, she would have prepared me and she would have loved Cregan.

When I arrive my concerns disappear when I see Talyssa pale in front of the grandeur of Syrax, the golden dragon growls with happiness seeing Rhaenyra in riding gear with a bag hanging on her dragon's seal.

-Where is Nightmares? I ask my sister taking Talyssa by the hand

-Gone to steal, he's coming. I suppose.

Rhaenyra mounts her dragon which lets out a roar of pure pleasure which makes Talyssa jump, her face disfigured with fear as the dragon advances towards us. I don't move, squeezing her hand in mine to reassure myself, and I almost burst out laughing when she lets out a horrified cry at the powerful arrival of Nightmares.

Nightmares roars at Syrax, his hiss mixed with a loud growl almost makes me think of Caraxes. My dragon's head flies over mine, fearlessly confronting that of my sister. I automatically turn towards him to stroke his white scales so he can feel my warmth. Once done, he lowers himself towards me, his blue gaze in mine, his pupils becoming tender.

-Hello big guy, I’m glad to see you. I simper while caressing his neck

Talyssa nearly falls into the palms several times, standing between two dragons my best friend and lady-in-waiting frantically taps her foot on the ground from stress.

-I see we've already put the seal on you, I pull Talyssa towards me while talking to my dragon, look who's traveling with us.

Talyssa turns pale when she meets my dragon's gaze, he moves his head towards her, his fangs coming out to intimidate her.

-By the Seven, Talyssa swears in fear, I feel like a lamb offered to die.

I burst out laughing, stroking Talyssa's hand before bringing her to my dragon, he pulls his head back a little before gently bringing it back towards us, my best friend's fingers relax on the warm scales of my dragon.

-Oh… Talyssa marvels as our hands caress him

Her mouth forms a perfect O as she marvels at my dragon's reaction. After ten minutes of petting it, I take Talyssa towards the seal, using the stool I manage to climb on my dragon before offering my hand to my lady in waiting.

Nightmares groans as he feels both of us on top of him, he shakes his head as I secure our feet in the spears so we don't slip.

-Hold on to me, Talyssa. I command her and she clings to me like someone clinging to their life

I smile when I feel it, holding tightly to the front of my seal, Nightmares roars with happiness before hastily following Syrax who goes towards the end of the cliff without worrying about the guardians.

My blood pulses in my veins when I see Syrax let go of the cliff to fly away, Talyssa screams seeing that Nightmares does not slow down and does not open its wings to take off. Excitement shakes my body as we fall off the cliff. Talyssa screams as she holds me and I scream with joy as I feel the wind against my face.

In a minute Nightmares opens its wings and we hover in the air, the dragon kicks its wings to return to cloud level, Talyssa still holds me tight, my eyes probably closed.

-You can open your eyes Talyssa. -Are we stabilized? she asks scared -We always have been. I sigh, rolling my eyes to the sky

Then she slowly opens her eyes and an “oh” escapes her mouth when she looks down. Port-Réal is magnificent from below, life in the capital is more enjoyable from above. The wind is undoubtedly blowing our hair, I order my dragon to climb higher, above the clouds. Nightmares roared as he obeyed, we quickly caught up to Syrax and flew lightly alongside him.

-At this speed, we will quickly join the royal boats! Talyssa screams so I can hear her

-That's for sure, I respond, quickly stroking Nightmares, let's not waste time.

Giving Nightmares a little pressure I order him to go faster. And we speed through the clouds, heading north where my fiancé is.

The sea wind blows on my skin, and I breathe deeply while in front of me, the sun begins to hide behind the horizon. Nightmares dips his wings in the water of the Grelotte Sea, Syrax sends us fresh water while repeating his gesture which wakes up Talyssa. She had fallen asleep against my back and I did not wake her because the trip was quite long for her.

-We're going to catch up with the boats, they're right ahead! Scream Rhaenyra

Indeed I can see the emblems of House Targaryen in front of me, the black and red colors fluttering in the wind. I caress my dragon's ribs preparing to pick up the pace. We arrive at the port, and undoubtedly the Royal carriage has already been on the road for a few hours.

Nightmares hisses before rising towards the clouds Syrax follows him, growling behind him because of his speed gain. As I suspected, the boats have docked for a while, some of the carriages are now leaving. My gaze marvels at the beauty of the North, the fresh wind is different from that of the capital, the landscape is so different, more picturesque, less Royal and arrogant than in the South.

-The North is so beautiful. Talyssa whispers behind me

I can only confirm his words, Nightmares also seems to like it because he roars while gaining more speed, the roar must have probably alerted the inhabitants below and I laugh imagining their reactions.

Our two dragons are flying towards Winterfell, the center of the North, we pass over the woods, we fly over lakes, meadows, villages, and I just want to fly above the Wall.

-The carriages! Rhaenyra Scream

Indeed, they are just below us forming a long caravan, and my heart is beating hard. We're coming to Winterfell, we're coming to Cregan, I'm getting married.

My hands become clammy around the seal, my cheeks flush, and my heart races my dragon. Before us slowly appears the castle of Winterfell, I could cry with stress and excitement seeing the flags of House Stark. The Wolves float in the air and Talyssa caresses my waist to relax.

My heart beats in my throat as I lead Nightmares downward, bringing us out of the clouds, his arrival noticed by all as he roars, his large wings activate the wind. The residents gathered on both sides of the road look up to the sky, completely frightened by our two dragons roaring in front of them. My pride grows when I see their gaze fixed on the power of my House and makes me even prouder.

-That's wonderful ! I scream while discovering my future home

We fly over the ramparts, the inhabitants of the castle shout when they see us, and my heart races when I see Cregan below. My gaze stays on him and I'm sure his gaze is on mine.

-Another tour? asks Rhaenyra, completely captivated.

A roar surprises us and we see my aunt Rhaenys and my sister's husband, Leanor, arriving in front of us on their dragons Meraxes and Seasmoke.

The dragons pass each other while flying, undoubtedly providing an incredible and frightening spectacle when viewed from below. Meraxes roars at my dragon who likes to annoy him. My aunt calms her down by caressing her and smiling quickly at me. Talyssa is about to faint. Not wanting her to fall I walk away from the group of dragons, heading towards the large courtyard of the castle. Nightmares reigns in terror, its great wings kicking up dust, its legs and weight shaking the ground, and its roar makes onlookers recoil.

-Gevis. (beauty) I whisper to Nightmares to calm him down

My dragon shakes its head as it rises to roar one last time announcing my arrival. My dragon calms down by showing his fangs a little, he goes down and I go down first, helping Talyssa who is a little dizzy.

-We welcome, shouted the valet, the arrival of Lady Talyssa of Pentos and Princess Nymeria Targaryen, second born of King Viserys and the late Queen Aemma Targaryen!

When my name is announced, my whole body tenses up, fear, stress, and excitement becoming one inside me. Behind me Talyssa follows me looking straight ahead, forcing herself not to look around her.

When I stand in front of Cregan, my cheeks turn red. He is handsome, incredible even, he is dressed in black, his large coat on his shoulders, its attachment being the symbol of a Giant Wolf. He is impeccable, and I am coming out of a long dragon flight, my hair disheveled, wearing an outfit that is expensive but still a riding outfit. Great Nymeria print. I scold myself

-Welcome, Princess Nymeria, Lady Talyssa. Hi Cregan with a bow

After his gesture, everyone around him bows, clearly embarrassing me, I allow them to stand up. Once done, a smile floats on his face and I remove my glove, subsequently holding out my hand so that he can kiss it, he feels it trembling in his and caresses it with his thumb, discreetly moistening it. lips before kissing him. My whole body burns, my neck becomes hot and I fight not to look away when he sensually looks back at me.

May the Gods have pity on me!

-Thank you for your welcome, Lord Cregan. I respond by taking my hand back

-Princess, may I introduce you to my sister, Sara Snow.

Snow? A bastard, I say to myself automatically, my eyes wander over the young girl and I smile at her warmly. She has long black hair like Cregan, her cheeks are red from the cold and two black beads represent her irises. It's true that she looks like him, so when she approaches to bow to me I see the apprehension in her eyes and in Cregan's. They must think I would look down on him, that's what any nobleman would do.

I prove to them that I'm not just any noble and that I don't put anyone down by taking her hands and hugging them. My gesture surprises everyone and the crowd starts whispering behind my back. As if sensing my discomfort, Nightmares roared menacingly, instantly calming the crowd.

-I'm happy to meet you. I respond with a big smile

She returns my smile by stretching her apple-red lips.

-Me too Princess.

Night has fallen in the North, the party in our honor is still going on in the great hall of the castle when I decide to slip away and head towards the walls. I hug my fur around me blowing cold wind while observing the scenery.

The dragons are housed in a cave a few kilometers from the castle, I wonder if Nightmares is feeling well, if he's not cold or something. Then my thoughts wander to Cregan and our marriage. Tomorrow I will be married under the Old Gods, the Gods of the Children of the Forest, before a Heart Tree.

The Queen who arrived shortly after me will be the representative of the high crown, my sister the heiress and her in-laws accompanying her, but not Daemon. I sigh as I think about it, clutching his gift to my chest.

-It’s cold Princess, why aren’t you inside?

I turn around hearing Cregan's warm voice behind me, he walks towards me holding his fur close to him. I smile at him shyly, feeling this dragon fire in me when our gazes are detailed.

-I was observing the night, I answer, looking at my gift.

Cregan's gaze lowers to what I hold in my hands, inviting me to present it to me.

-It's a gift from my uncle Daemon. He apologized because he couldn't be at the wedding because my cousin Leana is expecting his child, so he sent me this gift.

-And you don’t open it? Ask Cregan

I sigh, turning towards the night, clutching the package to me.

-I prefer to open it tomorrow, this gift represents the sole presence of my uncle.

Cregan gently caresses my arm and I smile at him, willingly accepting his caress, he speaks in a low voice.

-Does your uncle mean a lot to you?

A dreamy smile floats on my lips thinking of him.

-Indeed, he is like a father to me, my father figure, when the King wasn't looking after me, Daemon was there, teaching me the language of Valyria, my history, helping me claim my dragon , flying with me, encouraging me in my quest to travel.

Daemon was everything Viserys couldn't be, and I wish he were there to take me to Cregan tomorrow instead of Leanor.

-I'm sorry the Prince can't come, Nymeria. Sighs Cregan pulling me towards him

I let myself fall into his embrace, sighing as I finally feel him against me, his body warmth is all I need, and when his gloved hand comes to caress the back of my neck my heart goes crazy. The nostalgia I had when thinking of my uncle evaporates, giving way to the gentleness and love of Cregan.

-I missed you. I confess hiding in his chest

A soft laugh shakes her and I vibrate under her.

-I missed you too, woman.

I lightly tap his chest with a fake annoyed look on my face.

-I'm not your wife yet Cregan, I reply with a mocking smile, wait until tomorrow evening to call me that.

His amused face disappears and becomes playful and seductive when he brings his lips to mine, my hands tremble against me when I feel let him rub his nose against mine, his two-tone irises in mine.

-Oh, but that’s all I’m waiting for, Princess. Smiled the Wolf, showing his canines

My heart soars when I realize that it refers to our wedding night, our bedtime. My cheeks, my neck, my body become as hot as fire, as red as blood. I look away, prey to strong carnal emotion.

-This is terribly inappropriate. I whisper in a low voice

Cregan's laughter bursts into the night making it less silent and I smile stupidly as I feel him bring me to him, his chest vibrating with joy at my back, his chin above my gray head.

-To my sweet Princess, I can’t wait to call you mine.

[nuria-schnee]

Hi! ❤️ In this week's sneak peek, Edwin and Niko have a conversation about how things are with Charles!

The girls had returned from IKEA with many boxes and another considerable amount of shopping bags. Niko was a bit fixated on making the flat habitable, and Charles was excited to help. Edwin thought it was a bit of an excuse to focus on something that wasn’t the current situation and get out of the agency. The simple thought of Charles feeling suffocated in his presence worried him excessively. However, he didn’t want to complicate the situation further. Whatever Desire had shown him, Charles wasn’t prepared to share it with Edwin. If he ever did. In the end, Desire clearly stated that whatever it was, Charles wanted to keep Edwin from knowing its specifics. Possibly to spare his feelings, which would be very Charles-like. Edwin would have been a fool to expect his confession to change anything. Of course, deep in his heart resided the selfish, fanciful desire for Charles's love to be like his own. He couldn’t help it consume him at times, and he was past repressing it. What he hadn’t been able to bear was Charles not knowing how deeply loved he was, how deeply Edwin loved him. His intention had never been anything but that.

Keep reading under the cut!

“Edwin?”

Charles hadn’t mentioned what was happening with Crystal either. He saw them kiss goodbye in Port Townsend and never again since. Nevertheless, they still spent time together and seemed somehow even closer now. Right then, as Edwin helped Niko in the bedroom, he could hear them bicker good-naturedly about how to build a table. Edwin wondered, sometimes, if they were still involved romantically or not. He never dared to bring it up, guessing he shouldn’t pry.

Niko’s voice burst him out of his ruminations. He turned to look at her, who was mid-folding a pair of trousers.

“Are you okay?” She asked with a slight frown. “You seem a bit distracted.”

“I suppose I am,” he sighed, giving her a soft smile. “Forgive me. Were you saying something?”

“No. I just—” She moved closer to him, lowering her voice. “I’ve been meaning to ask— How are things with Charles?”

Edwin raised his brows at her, barely holding back his surprise. “Whatever do you mean?”

She leaned even closer, expression turning almost conspirational. “After— You know.”

At that moment, Edwin remembered he’d never specified who the boy to whom he’d confessed his love was. Even so, Niko was brilliant. Edwin wasn’t surprised she had figured out. He realised he didn’t mind, not really.

“Good,” Edwin said in a low voice, not sounding convincing even to himself. He finished folding the blanket in his hands and leaving it to rest over the bed. “He’s been very comprehensive.”

“Then, why are you so sad?” Niko asked. It should have hurt to have the issue asked so plainly, but Edwin found it relieving instead.

With a sigh, Edwin took advantage of the closed door and sat on the bed. Niko rushed to sit by his side. Tentatively, she reached for his hand, and Edwin interlaced his fingers with hers, giving her a quick glance.

“Is just that— Perhaps I was too naïve in thinking that confessing my feelings would not change things between us.”

Niko’s expression fell, her eyes turning unbearably sad. She squeezed his hand, moving even closer to him. Edwin turned his head to look at her, his gaze embarrassingly misty.

“I do not regret it. I do not think I could,” Edwin explained to her in a low, breathy voice. “However, I am afraid the knowledge may be burdening him now.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Since our incident with Desire, he has not been quite himself. He has been— A bit evasive. And I cannot help but think that whatever they showed him, he does not wish me to know. Which would not be a problem if I hadn’t the suspicion that is causing him some harm. It is not that I want to he would tell me everything immediately, but I made it worse somehow for him to tell me about important things in his life.

Niko hummed, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Are you talking about him and Crystal?” She whispered.

“For example,” Edwin breathed out in answer.

Niko was silent for a moment. “Do you think Desire showed him something about her?”

“I cannot know for certain.”

“Crystal told me they hadn’t been together since Port Townsend,” Niko told him and made Edwin pull back, looking at her with a frown for a second, recalculating the past months in his mind. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No,” Edwin turned his head, looking ahead, gaze fixed on the floor.

The confirmation that Charles hadn’t told him about it outweighed the relief he could selfishly feel about it. However, he would be a hypocrite if he got gloomy about Charles keeping things to himself, for whatever reason, when he was doing the same.

“It was freeing to tell him the truth, to admit it to myself. Nevertheless, I do not think everything is settled. I worry about how we have been keeping things from each other," he paused. "Perhaps I am just feeling stuck lately and giving it too much thought,” Edwin admitted with a sigh. “This case— Is not helping with that feeling, if I have to be honest.”

“Maybe you really need to speak to him. Also, I think a change will do you good,” Niko said, standing up without letting go of his hand, giving him a blinding smile. “Nothing major, just— Something to boost your mood a bit. Something new that makes you feel good.”

Edwin half smiled at her, reassured by her bright optimism. After thinking she was lost forever, Edwin was almost inclined to do anything she wished, only to spend time with her and let her know how much he cherished her perspective on things and her company.

“Of course, you are right. What would you suggest, then?” Edwin asked, charmed by how wide her smile turned at that, how she squeaked, already excited.

“What about— New clothes?”

LINKS

Index | First chapter on AO3 | Playlist | Trailer

[inkofamethyst]

January 30, 2024

Well, despite all the world suckyness (some of which might be impacting me and my graduate education yay), at least I've confirmed that my dnd-friend is down for Bico 2026 let's gooooooo

I went through a pitchdeck with her and we're SO locked in. I mean we need to come up with a timeline and start buying things and making things and figure out our travel/lodging arrangements (and learning french) but at the very least I know she's down which was a huge hurdle for cost, safety, and fun reasons. Like, yeah, I'd be willing to go alone. But it'll be infinitely more fun and slightly less expensive and significantly safer going with someone who is as enthusiastic about this as I am. While building my slide deck I was watching a ton of LARP videos to get screenshots and it seems like so much fun, I literally can't wait.

Today I'm thankful to have a friend like my dnd-friend. Both of us were first introduced to LARP separately through television depictions that were clearly meant to poke fun at the nerdy adults who dress up to whack each other with foam swords in the park, and it is so funny to me that we both went "yes that is exactly what I want to do with my time" and somehow managed to find each other and hold on to that secret desire. Eighteen months to plan.

I don't feel like I know the people in my current dnd group well enough to want to actually plan a trip with them, but if we're still playing in a few months the I may let it "slip" that I'm planning to do Bico next year. If any of them happen to also be there, it could be pretty dope. I just have no plans or desire to try to facilitate that lol.

I’ve recently realized that there’s something about cool-headed people that unnerves me to the point of completely unreasonable annoyance.  People who aren’t highly expressive give me the heebie-jeebies and for some reason I just really don’t enjoy being around that kind of person.  While I would certainly classify myself as an introvert, I’m definitely also pretty high-energy and I largely enjoy being around people who, well, match my freak, in a way.  Even as I try to keep my cards close to my chest in most interactions, I can’t help but be excited about the fact that I have cards in the first place, if that makes sense?  At least, that’s how I see myself.  Not that I’m hyperactive, just expressive.

…Maybe what I actually find frustrating about cool-headed people is that they appear to have achieved a serenity that I genuinely desire for myself.  I have wanted to be chill in some capacity pretty much all my life, but I cannot help that I am fairly high-strung.  Even while lying down, tension creeps into my shoulders and legs to the point where I have to consciously relax.  So maybe I’m just envious.

My Beara Beara bag came in and I'm in love. It's adorable, it suits my vibe, and I could not be happier. I think the black was a good choice; down the line I'll get some other dark brown purse, perhaps after I get some dark brown shoes. Very pleased with my accessory choices recently.

[jcmarchi]

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick Steps Down Next Week

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/activision-blizzard-ceo-bobby-kotick-steps-down-next-week/

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick Steps Down Next Week

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick has announced he’s stepping down from his position on December 29. The news comes two months after Microsoft officially completed its acquisition of the developer/publisher. 

While it was previously announced Kotick would remain as CEO throughout 2023 to help ease the Microsoft/Activision transition, it had been believed (though not confirmed) that he would step down on January 1, 2024. Although his actual departure date is only a couple of days earlier, it means Activision Blizzard will be kicking off 2024 without Kotick at the helm for the first time in over 30 years. 

Microsoft has not yet named Kotick’s replacement. According to The Verge, several other Activision executives will be departing the company through March, including vice chairman of Blizzard and King Humam Sakhnini and chief communications officer Lulu Meservey, who leave in December and January, respectively. 

For now, the remaining leadership at Activision Blizzard, such as Vice Chairman Thomas Tippl, Blizzard president Mike Ybarra, and King president Tjodolf Sommestad will report to the recently restructured top brass at Microsoft Gaming, namely its president of game content and studios, Matt Booty. 

Kotick sent the following email to employees addressing his upcoming departure:

Extraordinary People,

Over the years, my passion for video games has often been attributed to Pitfall!, River Raid, and Kaboom!. I love those Atari 2600 games, but the game that first captured my imagination was Mystery House, developed by Roberta and Ken Williams. I played it on a borrowed Apple II night after night while in college at the University of Michigan.

Mystery House was a text adventure with some primitive sprite-based graphics. (Fittingly, we now own Mystery House and the company that published it, Sierra On Line.) The world in which the game was played was largely left to the player’s imagination. I envisioned rich, vast worlds with all sorts of interactive, animated life that would enable players to fulfill their varied aspirations—all in a simulated universe that offered unlimited possibilities for challenge, connection, and fun.

Forty years later, as my last day leading this company inches closer, I marvel at how far the talented people at our company have come toward realizing the great potential of games. You have transformed a hobbyist form of entertainment into the world’s most engaging medium. It has been the privilege of my lifetime to work alongside you as we broadened the appeal of games.

Perhaps the most important part of my job has been to help bring talented people together, provide the best resources possible, and foster an environment that encourages inspiration, creativity, and unwavering commitment to excellence.

I cannot adequately express the pride I have in the people who continue to contribute to our success and all those who have helped throughout my 32 years leading this company.

We are now part of the world’s most admired company. That isn’t an accident.

Phil Spencer has appreciated the magic of ABK for decades. When he approached Brian and me two years ago and proposed acquiring the company, it was immediately obvious that the combination of our businesses would enable us to continue to lead as the list of capable, well-resourced competitors grows.

Phil shares our values and recognizes our talents. He is passionate about our games and the people who make them. He has bold ambition.

As we move into our next exciting chapter, you could not be in better hands.

I will always be profoundly grateful to the people who contributed tirelessly to building this company and I am confident you will keep inspiring joy and uniting people through the power of play.

With gratitude and appreciation,

Bobby Kotick

Kotick became Activision CEO in 1991 and has spearheaded the company’s growth into one of the biggest publishers in the industry. Most notably, he led the acquisition of Vivendi Games, which led to the merger with Blizzard in 2008. Despite the massive financial success he engineered for the company, Kotick has been criticized for oversaturating the market with popular franchises such as Call of Duty and Guitar Hero. Most recently, he came under fire during Activision Blizzard’s sexual abuse/discrimination scandal that began in the summer of 2021, where he was accused of ignoring a number of employee harassment complaints for years, leading to many employees and fans to call for his resignation. 

In an email to Activision Blizzard staff discussing the organizational changes shared by The Verge, Xbox head Phil Spencer had this to say about Kotick’s departure.

Under Bobby’s watch, Activision Blizzard in its many incarnations has been an enduring pillar of video games. Whether it’s Call of Duty, World of Warcraft, Candy Crush Saga, or any number of other titles, his teams have created beloved franchises and entertained hundreds of millions of players for decades. I’d like to thank Bobby—for his invaluable contributions to this industry, his partnership in closing the Activision Blizzard acquisition, and his collaboration following the close—and I wish him and his family the very best in his next chapter.

What do you think of Bobby Kotick’s departure and what do you think it means for Activision Blizzard going forward? Let us know in the comments.

[the-bau-quinjet]

My Name Isn't

Summary: You find out the guys (Bucky, Steve, and Sam) have a bet as to who can kiss you first, so you confront them at Tony's team building karaoke night.

Warnings: some swearing and drinking

Word Count: 3187

a/n: This was inspired by my love of the classic using karaoke to express your feelings trope and the song My Name Isn't by LOVA. I did change the lyric "yours" into "doll" though because it made sense in the story.

"Not a chance, Wilson." Bucky rolled his eyes as Steve walked into the room, unbothered by the familiar sounds of Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes arguing.

"C'mon tin man, you afraid you're gonna lose?' Sam couldn't help but tease the super soldier.

"It's a stupid bet! Steve tell him it's a stupid bet." Bucky stared at his best friend, silently begging for him to agree.

Steve's tone could only be described as exasperated when he responded, "what is it this time?"

"I bet Barnes and Noble over here," Sam stopped talking to dodge the book Bucky threw at him, "that I could get Y/N to kiss me before he could, and he's too chicken shit to take the bet."

"It's a stupid bet!" Bucky was gearing up to throw another book when Steve chimed in. "I don't know Buck, it could get you to finally act on your feelings for her."

Bucky rolled his eyes, responding with his typical denial "I don't have any feelings, punk."

Sam and Steve shared an obvious "this man is lying" look before turning back to Bucky.

"Fine, Cap since Bucky won't take the bet, will you?" The mischievous gleam in Sam's eye shown through as Steve weighed his options.

"It is a pretty stupid bet, but I'm doing this for you Buck." Clapping Bucky on the shoulder, he turned to Sam. "I'm in." As Steve went to shake Sam's hand, Bucky gave in.

"Fine! Fine. All three of us. The first one to kiss her wins." Bucky reluctantly agreed.

"Now, what does the winner get?" Sam posed the question, mischief clear in his eyes.

-

The first time you had an inkling that something was afoot was your training with Steve and Bucky later that same day. Steve wasn't overly touchy or anything that would make you uncomfortable, this is America's Golden Boy after all, but he kept calling you "honey" or some variation of it. You'd throw a punch and rather than correcting your form in his usual commanding Captain voice, he would feed you a random compliment followed by a "try it like this hun."

You left the gym confused and with more energy than one would typically have after training with Steve Rogers. Luckily for you, Nat and Wanda noticed it too.

"What was that about?" Wanda asked as soon as the three of you were out of earshot.

"I don't have a clue." Your expression of complete confusion was enough to convince the two women you were telling the truth.

"I always thought Barnes had a thing for you. I wouldn't expect Steve of all people to try to mess that up. Especially with how obvious you are!" Nat chimed in. You've never regretted anything more than getting drunk and admitting your feelings for the brunette super soldier to the two women.

"Ugh, are the two of you ever gonna forget about that?" Your question was rhetorical as you nearly slammed the door to your room, but it didn't stop the two women from shouting "not a chance" and "only if you tell him" through the door.

-

The second time you noticed the weird behavior was the next day. You were running through some basic defense moves with some new Shield agents when Sam walked in with Bucky.

Now, normally Sam avoids you in the gym because he knows you'll kick his ass. All your time spent training with Nat mixed with your advanced perception skills meant you are a force to be reckoned with in the gym. This time though, he asked to spar before running through his typical warm up routine.

"You sure, Wilson? I wouldn't want to bruise your ego any further." You joked with him, unsure of his motives.

"Oh I'm sure, baby. Do your worst."

So you did. You had him on the mat in 4 minutes even, not letting the "baby" comment phase you until later in the night when you were with Wanda and Nat.

"First, Steve keeps calling me honey. Now Wilson is in on it with baby! What the hell is going on?'

The three of you shared identical shrugs, choosing to ignore it for now in favor of girls night.

-

Your days continued with the random comments from Sam and Steve. Of course, after the first 24 hours you noticed a pattern emerging. The two men would only use the pet names if Bucky was in the room. If Bucky couldn't overhear what was being said, everything was normal, but all bets were off if he so much as stepped in the room. It was constant affection and compliments from the two men.

You were thinking about the pattern you'd discovered, along with what it could mean, when Tony barged into the common room like a man on fire.

He surveyed the room, noting the presence of nearly every team member. The only three missing? Sam, Steve, and Bucky. You had a feeling they were most definitely up to something. "Oh perfect, most of you are here already! I have decided we don't do enough team building. Saving the world is stressful and we deserve to relax, so... drumroll please!" He waited for an extended period of time, until you, Wanda, and Vision gave him a lackluster drumroll. "That could use some work, but I'm not going to let it bring me down. We're doing karaoke! I rented out a bar for tonight, so clear your schedules ladies and gentlemen! We start at 8."

To say he was met with mixed results would be underselling the range of reactions. Nat looked ready to kill him. Thor was so excited, he reminded you of a golden retriever playing fetch. Most everybody else fell somewhere in the middle.

"Y/N, be a dear and let the three stooges know would ya? I don't know where they are and I don't feel like finding them." Tony didn't wait for a response before leaving the room just as rapidly as he entered it.

"I guess that's my cue. I'll be back and we can at least get ready together?" You looked to Nat and Wanda for confirmation before leaving to find Steve, Bucky, and Sam.

-

You checked Sam's room first because it's the closest to the common area, but there was no sign of life. Steve and Bucky's rooms sat similarly untouched. You went to the gym, the pool, the game room, and circled back to the kitchen but they were nowhere to be seen. Finally, you gave up the impromptu game of hide and seek asking FRIDAY where they were.

"FRIDAY, do you know where Steve, Bucky, and Sam are?"

"Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, and Lieutenant General Wilson are on the roof." The AI responded so fast, it had you wondering why didn't just ask her 40 minutes ago when their rooms were all empty.

"What the hell are they doing on the roof?" You huffed as you made your way back to the elevator.

"They are the discussing the terms of their bet." FRIDAY's response surprised you. You hadn't meant to actually receive an answer, but now that you did you were curious.

"What bet?" You continued the line of questioning as the elevator rose to the roof access point.

"The three made a bet to see who could get you to kiss them first."

Suddenly, all the pet names and compliments made sense.

"Son of a bi-" You cut yourself off as the elevator door opened, leading you directly to the three men in question. They turned abruptly, clearly caught off guard by anyone coming to the roof.

"Finally. I've been looking for you three everywhere!" You kept the new found information to yourself for the time being. "Tony decided we're doing karaoke tonight. We're supposed to be at the bar he rented out by 8pm." You smiled, taking in the slightly guilty expressions on each of their faces. Even if FRIDAY hadn't told you, it would be painstakingly obvious you caught them talking about you.

"Thanks doll, we'll make sure we're there." You felt the butterflies in your stomach at the pet name, but quickly shut it down. You wouldn't be giving in to their bet that easily.

"No problem, see you boys soon." You winked, pressing the button to bring you back to the main floor. You had a plan to make after all.

-

"Well, it's karaoke why don't you just sing a song to call them out on it?" Wanda suggested another idea as you all got ready to head to the bar.

"That could work. You just need the perfect song." Nat chimed in, quickly applying some mascara.

"Wanda, you're a genius, and I think I have just the one." You grinned, pulling the song up to play while you finished getting ready.

-

Upon entering the bar, you immediately started second guessing your plan. That is, until the pet names came out to play. Sam was back at it with calling you baby, and Steve right there beside him with honey.

When you put your name down to sing, Wanda and Nat were right there with you, hyping you up and providing some liquid courage. Four drinks in and you finally felt just tipsy enough to actually follow through with your plan.

With the encouraging words from Nat and Wanda playing through your mind, you walked up to the stage, pulling up your chosen song on the karaoke machine.

You decided to play the beginning of the song off as a coincidence, not wanting to clue the guys in too early.

"One, two, three have been staring at me. It's been going all night."

You made eye contact with Nat and Wanda, fully relying on the feminist in you to knock these guys down a few pegs. By the time the chorus rolled around, you were ready.

Making direct eye contact with Sam, you put as much sass as possible into the next line.

"My name isn't 'baby,' you cannot say whatever you feel like. I am not the things you call me."

Switching your target from Sam to Steve, you kept going with the performance.

"My name isn't 'honey,' I will always do whatever I feel like. Honestly, you don't know me."

Clearly the three of them realized you knew about their bet, but you were on a roll. Switching focus to Bucky, you switched up the words a little bit to put him on blast as well.

"My name isn't... doll. My name isn't... doll."

The girls must have filled in the rest of the group, because you now had Bruce, Thor, Vision, Tony, Pepper, Clint, Wanda, and Nat cheering you on. They were whopping and hollering in agreement with the lyrics.

"We ain't got the time for you messing around so cut the deal."

"Cut the deal!!" You heard Tony yelling out as an echo, shaking your head with a slight chuckle.

"So don't come here and say, 'boys will be boys.' Behind every act there's always a choice."

The three men in question at least had the decency to look ashamed of their actions. Of course, that wasn't enough for you to not put them on blast through another round of the chorus.

The high from calling them out wore off right around the line:

"Do you really think that you can get your way by playing the same game."

Singing those words made you realize exactly what just happened. You held it together, put up a front long enough to get through the last chorus. Singing the last line to Bucky, you felt like your emotions were all over your face. The annoyance that the bet existed. The pain at him being part of it. The love you'd been trying to hide. All of it felt like it was right out in the open.

"My name isn't... Doll. My name isn't, my name isn't... Doll."

You took a quick bow in thanks for all the applause, before running off the stage. You didn't stop at the table with Nat and Wanda, nor did you stop for the three men trying to apologize. You made it outside, running about five blocks before even taking in your surroundings. Noticing a McDonald's, you sent a quick prayer that the ice cream machine was actually functioning before ducking inside.

-

The team stood with mouths hanging open at your sudden departure.

"What the hell just happened?" Tony posed the question to the group, knocking them out of their stupor.

Bucky was the first to follow you outside, his panic growing when he didn't see you leaning against any of the brick walls.

"Where is she?" Steve asked, spinning in circles right alongside Bucky while the rest of the group filed out the door.

"I don't know!" Bucky turned on Steve and Sam. "I never should have agreed to that stupid bet. Dammit!" Running his hands through his hair, he took off down the street calling a quick, "I'll look this way" over his shoulder.

He moved quickly down the street, keeping his eyes peeled for your sparkly, dark red dress. He looked through the windows of the many store fronts as he passed them. About five blocks later, he was about to turn around, assuming you went a different direction when he saw the familiar golden "m". A memory from about three weeks ago was quick to flash through his mind.

The team just came back from a two and a half week mission yesterday, meaning Tony was bound to throw a party today. It went about the same as most Tony Stark parties go; a lot of schmoozing until most guests left and the team could actually let loose.

You let a little looser than normal at the after party. After the mission required you to pretend to be married to Bucky, you felt like you deserved it. It was getting harder and harder to hide your feelings from him, especially when he insisted on walking you to your room after the party.

In a last ditch effort to avoid any drunk escapades, you asked him to take you to McDonald's instead of your room.

"Please Bucky?" You asked, drawing out the words and adding a small pout for good measure. "I just want a McFlurry and some fries! Please!"

"Sure, doll. We can go to McDonald's." You jumped up and down clapping, hugging him as you praised him for being so kind.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the nicest, most perfect man to ever live. Let's gooooo!!" He smiled at your antics, leading you to one of the many cars Tony kept stocked, not quite trusting you to ride a motorcycle at the moment.

After getting the food, the two of you ate together in the car. You, of course, insisting he try dipping the fries in the ice cream.

Reluctantly, he admitted it wasn't that bad before driving the two of you home. He dropped you off at your door, receiving a whispered "thank you" and a quick kiss to the cheek from you.

He smiled at the memory before walking inside. He found you in a booth toward the back, unsurprisingly dipping fries into your ice cream

"Y/N, I'm so sorry." You didn't even look up when he started speaking, choosing instead to study the m&ms in your dessert. "Really. It was a stupid bet. Hell, I didn't even want to do it, but then that punk and birdman teamed up against me and I couldn't let them do it without me! It would've killed me to know one of them kissed you. It was so stupid and I should've just shut it down. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than that." He trailed off, waiting for you to say something.

You gestured to the seat across from you, pushing some fries toward him. "It was a stupid bet."

You waited until his mouth was full before asking "Why would it have killed you?" Watching him nearly choke on his fries was oddly satisfying.

"What?" He tried to deflect the question. You shook your head, passing him a napkin.

"You said it would have killed you to know one of them kissed me. Why?" You looked him in the eye as you ate another fry.

"Well, you see, I... um, maybe have um... feelings." It was his turn to stare intently at the m&ms. He mumbled a quick "get yourself together" under his breath before continuing. "I like you. Hell, I think I love you. I don't know when it started, but suddenly you are all I can think about. I worry about you constantly when your on a mission without me, even though I know you can take care of yourself. I see little things that remind me of you everywhere. Like yesterday, I saw a buttercup on the side of the road and I couldn't stop thinking about the time you spent a good twenty minutes ranting about how spring is the worst season."

Suddenly, you were on a tangent. "Because it is! It's always raining, it's muggy, it's always freezing in the morning and way too hot in the afternoon so you have to carry all these extra layers-"

"I love you. That's why it would've killed me. I don't even want to think about you with another-"

It was your turn to cut him off, doing so by leaning across the small table to kiss him. It was quick, but you still felt fireworks.

"I love you too." Your words were sweet, but shifted when you said the rest of your sentence. "I just have one more question." The smirk on your face made him nervous, but he was more than willing to answer anything.

"What do you get for winning?"

-

After talking with Bucky, you texted Nat and Wanda to let them know you were okay and the two of you were headed back to the compound. You beat everyone else back, but decided to wait for them in the common area.

Steve and Sam came in with their heads low, struggling to make eye contact.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. We never should have made that bet." Steve started, aware of all the eyes on him.

"Me too. It was stupid and thoughtless." Sam added on.

"It was, but you are forgiven." You reached for Bucky's hand, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Bucky told me the winner of your little bet gets to pick the music for all forms of travel on the next three missions." You grinned at their confused expressions. "Bucky, being the winner, has so graciously bestowed that gift to me now. Get ready boys. I'm talking High School Musical. Hamilton. I'll have the two of you singing Taylor Swift in the shower." You, along with the rest of the team, laughed at their expense. Their grim expressions had you smiling, "oh please, I know you secretly love it!"

"Now, I have to go to bed. I have a date tomorrow." You winked at Bucky before sauntering off down the hall, the cheers of your teammates following you.

[kim-lexie]

rewind 2021: october, november, & december

well here we are….just a collection from the end of the year because i am sooo late.

music.

‘the feels’ by twice. you know i did my darn best to learn this choreography. it is such a fun pop bop. and it is great. i love it. 

‘rock with you’ by seventeen. it is solid just like the entire comeback. i particularly love this track. and i love the feeling of jumping straight into the song. 

kai’s comeback. ‘to be honest’ & ‘peaches’ on rotation. i freaking love kai and his smooth vocals and choreo that he always delivers. 

nct comeback. all my boys (minus two) all in one place. i love these comebacks. and i loved these track videos. ‘miracle’ hello! oh honey the album has been on repeat. each and every track. i loved it, and cannot express how proud of these boys i am. 

‘killing me’ by chung ha.

onewe. this group just came out of nowhere. and by golly goodness i am so glad i stumbled upon them. they are versatile and the duality is top tier. some top tracks include ‘AuRoRa’, ‘veronica’, ‘end of spring’, ‘reminisce about all’, ‘parting’. also their live versions are *chef kiss*. 10 out of 10 recommend checking them out. and did i mention they’re a band and play instruments. *swoons*

‘one day’ by monstax. ‘they say hindsight is 20/20….’ just let me sit in a puddle of tears. 

‘alright’ by ares carter & bumkey.

ateez comeback. my boys they’re back. they are sooooo freaking good. i love ‘turbulence’, ‘be with you’, and they freaking put the overture on there!! i cannot. 

jeebanoff. he is always a favorite but i finally discovered his album released earlier this year and my goodness ‘void’ is too good not to include in a rewind.

dramas & movies. *spoilers ahead*

unforgettable love. this was a great drama. that was cute and had a happy ending for everyone! the little kid that truly drew me into the show was fabulous. he was comedic relief as well as a unique edition for a drama where the focus was on him and helping his psychological well being. i absolutely loved the resolutions throughout. and her best friend and her boyfriend definitely became a favorite of mine. bc of the character transformation he experienced. and i love how raw she was when he was confessing his feelings, she was like will you still take me with all these broken pieces and bruises. and he was like yes girl i will build you a house to keep you safe and protected so you can rest. cue the tears. i would rate this a 7 out of 10. 

police university. jinyoung my dude is back. and this was a great one. we followed his character seon-ho a former hacker with a hidden criminal record, meet dong-man a detective that arrested him years prior at the national police academy. we follow them as they work together and eventually become friends in a mentorship, hunting down the criminals of a deep case involving the police and the university. and of course we have our girl, krystal, who seonho meets at a judo match and they end up in the same class at university. i enjoyed this one, rating it a 8.5 out of 10

hometown chachacha. this was a top tier drama. from the cast of characters, and life that they depicted was rich with various layers. we got to see so many different character and got a piece of all of their lives. and i especially loved each and every moment we had with our dimple couple. a favorite moment was when her friend says i may be jumping ahead but we should keep to two kids you know. and he is like the only thing i can think about today is skipping a few bases and kisses her. i would give this drama a 10 out of 10. and i will leave you with wisdom from harmoni ‘look around yourself closely and you’ll realize that you’re surrounded by many precious things. everyday is full of so much excitement as if i’m going on a picnic the next day.’

my name this drama ripped my heart out and stomped on it. nevertheless, it was a great drama, with plot twists i did not predict. the whole drama had me on the edge of my seat. from a young age her life was turned upside down, followed by the police to track down her father who she was led to believe was a gang member. turned out to be undercover, and was killed off by the gang boss she currently worked for. and every good thing she had in life, was in essence ripped away from her by this man. pul-do finally being her safe place, he knew the whole story of her actually being undercover from the gang, and wanted to protect her. when he called her name, it was probably the first time in years she heard it. and he brought her to the beach. literally so many tears. she loved him, and the boss saw that. so she had to take revenge again, because she had come to the conclusion that the biggest betrayal would be to use the law against him. but instead she had to face him head on. and with all the deaths that happened when she hesitated another precious person died, the only one that completely understood her. like pul-do had the look in his eyes that no matter what, he was going in front of the bullet to protect her. like the happy ending was right there. and it was snatched so freaking quick. the end with her visiting the graves…it was not the ending i signed up for.…anyways ramble over and i would give it a 9.5 out of 10. ready for a season two if possible, please. 

lovers of the red sky. a historical drama with fantasy. sign me up fam. i loved this one. my dude ahn hyo-seop is a part of this cast, which automatically intrigued me. we follow cheon-ki a female painter, and the first female in the academy at the palace for painting. her father currently, not in a well state was previously the palace’s official painter. ha ram, played by hyo-seop, is an officer at seowoongwan in charge of astronomy and such. he is currently blind due to an accident that we know happened to be the same day that cheon-ki could finally see, because at birth she was blind. the fantasy aspect goes deep and is too much to explain. but all was well in the end and everyone has their perspective eyes at the end. and cheon-ki and ha-ram have a happy ending. i would give this drama an 8.5 out of 10

yumi’s cells. this was a top tier drama 10 out of 10. i was surprised by how much i enjoyed the incorporation of the animation to the live action. it was hilarious. heart breaking. and an incredible insight into the minds of our main characters. we follow yu-mi who works an office job and meets woong a video game designer who lives life a little differently than her. it shows how an unexpected relationship flourishes and dies. it was a great drama, and i am sooooo ready for another season. i know the whole premise of the show was about yu-mi but gosh darn i really thought our two main characters were going to end up together (especially after the heart break i experienced watching bo-hyun’s character die in ‘my name’ i really wanted this for him.) anyways, yu-mi was the main character and that’s that. it was great. made me laugh and cry. i freaking love the cells. they were hilarious. ALSO HATED that it was 14 episodes…little old me thinking i had at least 2 episodes left only to be left in the dust and a puddle of tears. 

the king’s affection. everyone this was a great great drama. and not just because monday and tuesday became rowoon appreciation night, i fell in love with nam yoonsu. this man. frick i was willing to let him be the main lead. like i never feel this way. like oh yeah second male lead it’s chill i will stay away. but dang i was ready to flip the script. and byung-chan was also in this drama. like my goodness. it was great. okay now to the actual premise. we follow a story in joseon, the crown prince’s wife gave birth to twins, but twins are not a good thing in the palace. so lee hwi is born and raised in the palace, and da-mi was supposed to be killed off but the mother begged to save her. years later da-mi returns to the palace as a maid and meets jung ji-un (rowoon), she saves him from drowning and they become quick friends. lee hwi finds da-mi and realizes they look alike and wants to switch places. they switch and gosh darn the bad guys don’t kill da-mi, they kill lee hwi. uh oh. but the bad guys are silly and don’t know they killed the wrong twin…so not to get in trouble because of the switch a handful of people protect da-mi and she has to acclimate to living in the palace as her now dead twin brother. years later, jung ji-un returns as her tutuor, having her waiver in her seat. lots of things happen, and i’m just like how does no one know this. (ji-un is a dummy and doesn’t figure any of this out, kind of has inkling ideas but is a dummy and needs someone to spell it out.) strange how they were actually able to hide it. but then we find out that the dead prince’s bestie lee-hyun (nam yoon-su) knew all the freaking long and loves da-mi. wild. it’s full of twists and turns, and deception from the court. we love to hate it. our girl ends up faking her death and lives a happily ever after with jung ji-un. and lee-hyun becomes freaking king. definitely a 9.5 out of 10

another gif because i love this man.

happiness. this was an interesting one, it is the first drama that i have watched the mentioned covid. quite a unique start. we follow our yi-hyun (our dude park hyung-sik) who is a detective and wants to protect his friend/love sae-bom. they’ve known each other since high school. they marry because she is determined to have her own place, and to get the apartment she has to do this to earn the credit from the police bureau. in the midst of the move to their new high-rise apartment an outbreak strikes the complex. we see people of diverse backgrounds have to work together and eventually kind of kill off one another. the fear and distrust that ensues is something else. like what is the likelihood of having multiple murders in your apartment building? and on the outside, is tae-seok who worked with sae-bom, and is a health service commander. and he is at the center of trying to find the cure and help keep control of the state. i would rate it a 9 out of 10. i enjoyed seeing all the various characters, and how yi-hyun and sae-bom finally realized that they loved each other. i loved it. also thankful we got a good ending, because dang as it kept getting darker in the concept i was like, frick it’s called happiness but the title is literally fading away will all the happiness fade away and we will be left with nothing?!

extracurricular. y’all this one was intense, and dark. i was intrigued having just finished ‘the kings affection’ and being obsessed with nam yoon-su...so you know if was going to be next on the list. we follow a high schooler, ji-soo, who works as a pimp because he desperately needs money to go to university after high school. but he creates an app, that protects his app users; which is a unique and strange take in this dangerous life. everything gets twisted and he ends up in business with a classmate, gyu-ri who he has a crush on, and then everything basically goes to poop. and it ends on a cliff hanger at episode 10, which i thought i was getting more then i didn’t so yeah...didn’t appreciate that ending. i would still give it a 7.5 out of 10

melancholia. oh my goodness you knew this was going to have to be on a rewind because my dude, lee do-freaking-hyun is in this drama. so it has to be golden. this one will probably have its own review because dang a lot of feelings and thoughts. i honestly was nervous at the start because no matter how much i love lee do-hyun, i am not jumping on board a teacher/under-aged student trope. but i loved how we saw the timeline jump and how everything fell apart and then together again. i rate this drama a 10 out of 10.

the silent sea. DUDE this was insane! so this one takes place in the future, where the world is in dire need of water. a crew from korea goes to an abandoned research facility on the moon on hunt for water. well it becomes majorly twisted and dark, because this lunar water not only produces more water but takes over any life form and proceeds to drown the life out of it. it was a wild ride, with so many twists and turns, and hidden discoveries and bad guys. and hello this cast was PERFECT, and hello gong yoo was in this so you know it’s good. i would definitely recommend this drama because it is something i haven’t seen. i would rate it a 9 out of 10.

[hobidreams]

may 1869.

just this once, you let yourself be a little braver.

pairing: joseon king!yoongi x reader genre: smut, angst, fluff? words: 1.4k contains: someone new, something new.

moonlit throne index. this is drabble 20. start from the beginning?

A balmy wind drifts through the open window of your bedchamber, making ripples upon the freshly made spread. You stand in sunlight before the mirror, tracing the faint remnant of the bruise on your collarbone, left by the king’s hungry mouth too many nights before, and wish absently that the mark will stay for at least a few hours more.

As the days grow longer, his visits have become far less frequent, though the minutes he spends indulging in your heat seem to extend ever so slightly in turn. The explanation that leaves your heart intact is that he is occupied by overseeing the administration and results of the national civil exam, the gwageo that took place a few days ago and will bring a new group of eager scholars into the palace. You try very hard not to think about the possibility of his finding his way to another woman’s bed, even though he is well within his rights to. Even though it is expected of a king to have handfuls of consorts in his court. He has, thankfully, spared you of such truths, like he continues to spare you of any details about his life. Theoretically, that makes it easier to not get so attached. Theoretically.

With an exhale, you re-adjust the collar of your blouse to hide the mark and put on your hat before stepping out into the sun, holding a book that you intend to return to the king’s library.

As you walk towards the building, you soon realize there’s a man you’ve never seen before in green scholar’s robes in front of the shuttered doors, pacing back and forth as the dark samo on his head bobs from the effort. What’s he doing? While people may pass by here, they rarely linger.

When the man spots you, his gaze seems to brighten. “Excuse me, uinyeo-nim!”

You come to a stop before him, taking in the wane of his eyes that are like friendly crescents. “Good morning. How may I help you, Scholar…?”

“Park.” He smiles. “I’m one of the newly admitted scholars.”

“Scholar Park. Congratulations on passing the exam.” You return his smile with a small one of your own though you remain on your guard, no matter how kind he seems. Most of the current scholars treat you with disdain (though they at least attempt to veil it on the king’s account, you are certain), as you are a woman and thus beneath them, no matter if the texts you’ve read could rival theirs. This Park must be brilliant though, if he passed the rigorous exam at such a young age.

“Thank you. I’m excited to begin my work! But…” He bites his lip. “The head scholar asked me to obtain a copy of Bang Si-Hyuk’s latest text, and the royal library said that only the king has a copy…” His expressive face falls and you, with a twinge of endearment, think he might be an awful liar if he ever tried. “Would you happen to know how I might borrow from the private library? Should I request an audience with the king? Are there official forms to follow? I really don’t wish to misstep.”

You stare at him quietly, contemplating whether or not you should reveal that you have such access.

He nervously seems to take your lack of answer as confusion. “Yes, I am aware that I should have asked my fellow scholars but they are all so much older than me and I’m afraid that they will take me less seriously than they already do if I cannot complete such a simple task on my own... But no one else has walked by here and I do not want to go back empty-handed and…” He trails off, giving you a look of absolute desperation that warms your heart, despite your reservations.

“Scholar Park. I can retrieve the book for you, if you promise to return it within a few days.” The king wouldn’t notice that it’s missing anyhow, not with how busy he’s been. That, and you get the feeling that the older scholars have been playing a bit of an initiation joke on this poor boy.

“Really? You will? Thank you, uinyeo-nim!” He breaks into a huge grin. “Oh, but uinyeo-nim, how do you have access to the king’s libra…”

You can practically see the moment it clicks in his mind that you are that physician, the one who’s name is irrevocably tangled up with the king’s.

It seems palace gossip is not exempt even from those who have only entered the grounds the day before. You can literally feel the turmoil going on within him as he tries to figure out how to address you, whether or not he should give you the respect of the king’s consort even though you are technically not one in the slightest. Just a lowborn, a hole, even a witch doctor that has bewitched jeonha, as those less polite than this boy have put it when they thought you were out of earshot.

“Hm?” You prompt like a masochist, wanting to see what he says. Wanting to see if it’ll hurt you some more, or if you’ve finally gone blissfully numb.

“N-Nothing, uinyeo-nim.”

You were right. He’s an awful liar.

But you get the book for him anyway, and see him off with promises to meet you back here two days later for the return. Your reality is none of his fault, after all.

That night, the king drops by with little decorum. Opens the door to your chambers and strips off his robes, like he always does. Though this time as he kneads your bare chest in his calloused fingers, pinching the peaked nipples so hard you whimper, you are filled with a need for some scrap of certainty. You want to wipe that coolness from his eyes for even one second, to stoke some intimate fire from him that says he still remembers how you used to be together. How it used to be easier than this. Closer, even though now you know how thick his cock feels as he robs you of air.

“You—ah—you’ve been busy, jeonha?” It’s been getting marginally easier to talk to him like this in the moonlight, his hands making a mess of you. “It’s been quite some time since you’ve come.”

“What, are you that needy for a fuck?” He smirks, but it’s a look more dark and dangerous than playful as he reaches down and finds you soaked. You think you feel the ghost of that word lingering around his question, but it is a small blessing that has not said it aloud since that night in April.

Your face flushes hot. “I-I was just wondering…” You shouldn’t mention it. You really should hold your tongue, but you’re sick of being trapped in your own mind, going in circles with your own insecurity. Just this once. Just this once you want to let yourself ask— “I thought… That perhaps you had taken another conso—oh!” You’re cut off by an abrupt inhale as he sinks two nimble fingers into your cunt. One smooth stroke takes him so deep, only for him to pull out to use the translucent wetness he’s gathered as lubricant along his shaft.

“You think I have time for other women?” He snaps. His stare is intense, but you can’t see a single lie in their depths. “Never have.”

Then he takes you so roughly, you think the bed might break from all the rattling. You have to blink away white spots in your vision when you come and he doesn’t say much more to you for the rest of the night, but you’re smiling almost deliriously all the way through with your nails scratching faint red down his back, the bracelet he gave you dragging over his skin from its home on your wrist. Never, your mind echoes, again and again.

Against all the odds. Against anything you would have expected. Even if he keeps you at arm’s length to the thoughts in his heart, it’s still the chance three-step skip of a grey stone across a rippling pond.

You’re the only one.

a/n: wow. drabble 20. it’s taken us half a year to get here & it honestly feels like a dream that i’ve made it this far. yet there is still so much on the line. so much further to travel together. thank you, if you’ve been here since the beginning. thank you, if you’re just picking up the series 💜 please do come let me know your thoughts on the series as we slide into the present time, with all the tension of the past lingering too closely by. i truly couldn’t have gotten here without all your support ♡

[epitomees]

What are your favorite ships on here (feel free to tag?)

Do you ship someone's muses on your dash?

Questions for the mun

What are your favorite ships on here (feel free to tag?)

@fatexbound - Literally, you are the major cause for my Shumako brainrot. I cannot stop thinking about how well Akira and Makoto get along, tease each other, learn more about themselves, and have developed since they got together. Their chemistry is off the charts and I cannot express through words alone how much I adore your Akira. I can't forget Yu and Chie either! They're just starting and I'm so excited to see what kind of romantic relationship those two develop, and of course...the eventual Naoto and Yu ship we're building up to as well! :3

@chibitantei - Liz, I'm astounded how much you made me crave for rare-pair ships. I would never have guessed how interesting and dynamic Chie/Naoto can be together considering they are EXTREME polar opposites. I'm looking forward to exploring what's in store with these girls like their 3AM hot pocket shenanigans or trying to make their own food together. Also, I can't leave out the potential Yu/Naoto and Yosuke/Naoto we have planned to come. Again, stop making me crave for more rare-pairs!!

@maskuerade - Good GOD, you and your Akira make me so weepy!! I'm going to crush you with so much angst and hurt/comfort in the future!! I know we just got started with Akira/Makoto's relationship and screamed about them A LOT over Discord, but I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to see their relationship blossom. How much they crave for each other's attention and affection, how much they'd go out of their way to protect and keep each other safe, like THEY'RE SO ROMANTIC AND I GET SO GIDDY ABOUT THEM!!

@rebelli0us-mask - The chaotic duo!! I have to say, I'm having so much fun with Dia's and Makoto's flirty interactions and Dia's consistent teasing too. Dia is a spontaneous ball of energy which is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of Makoto's orderly stature and personality. I love how she's loosened up since getting together with him, and embracing more of an inner feral side she tends to keep hidden. Their chemistry is just...so natural and feels like a real-life relationship. I adore those two and hold them close to me. <3

@electricea - I know we briefly touched on it, but I'm still interested and very excited to see a relationship blossom between Ryuji and Makoto. They have a very similar dynamic in some ways while there are various differences between them as well. I'm so so ready to see these two begin crushing on each other!

@crossxskulled - YOU AND YOUR VULGAR BOY ARE GOING TO TREAT MAKOTO LIKE THE DAMN QUEEN SHE IS!!! God damn, I know we've hinted at things in some previous threads but man oh man, I'm so FREAKING PUMPED to have Ryuji be Makoto's encouragement and make her see the fun of life, while Makoto helps Ryuji in several other ways. They're going to be so SO dynamic, and by GOD I can't wait to write this power, battle couple in action!

I know there's still some ships I have in the works with others, but these are the major ones that are working towards being confirmed/already are confirmed for this blog. My apologies if I missed anyone!

Do you ship someone's muses on your dash?

@maskuerade and @detectivcprince - I adore their Akechi/Akira ship a lot. It's more refreshing than a lot of the Akeshu I tend to see on Twitter or elsewhere online. There's so much support behind the characters, there's build-up that I've seen happen where they try extending that help to the other, and...I really enjoy seeing the domestic aspect of their lives together. It's always a nice read when I see them answer a thread.

@chibitantei and @fatexbound - Your Naoto/Yosuke and Naoto/Yu. Those are goals for the ships we have planned!

[belikov-barnes]

Ok so when I started sending these I didn’t keep track of who I was sending them to and then I had a panic attack about making people mad if I accidentally sent it more than once so I stopped 😅 I saw your tag tho😘

What are your thoughts on the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead? The good, the bad? What do you think about the upcoming tv adaptation?

Tell Us👁👄👁🍿

nah honestly people regularly spam me with nipple anons, so getting asked the same question multiple times truly isn't annoying lol so with that out of the way, let's dive headfirst into The Thoughts...

The Good:

These books have defined my life for over a decade. I found them at a pretty rough time in my life at 14, and they're brought me so much happiness, opened so many doors to different opportunities and events, and helped me to form so many friendships over the years. This is absolutely my obsession and my comfort series. I'm at the point where I'm not sure if Rose Hathaway influenced my personality, or if I related to because I could always relate to her deep down. Regardless, I am completely in love with her, but I also want to be her. The world building is incredible, the characters are so magnificently captured, and the relationships between them are so tangible. Rose and Dimitri just give me such strong soulmate vibes and are my forever otp, the friendships are complex but so important. I can't tell you how many YA series I've read where the friends are barely there as characters. The Belikov family are my ultimate comfort fictional family and I adore them with my whole heart. I cannot say enough good things about this series lmao it has such a hold on me.

The Bad:

Of course, while I fucking adore this series, I'm not blind to the various problematic elements from the books. Richelle's love of age gaps that contain one party under 18 and one party over is just not appropriate. Doing it once to 'challenge' societal ideals, as she's stated in the past, is one thing. But she's done it multiple times within the VA/BL series. However, the age gap with Rose and Dimitri isn't the biggest issue with their relationship (the age of consent in Montana is 16, so that's legal even if it's morally iffy). The student/mentor dynamic makes it feel a bit uncomfortable (especially because, even though he's not a teacher, Rose regularly refers to Dimitri as one like... sis you're making this worse than it needs to be lmao). Another issue is the lack of diversity when it comes to race, sexuality, gender expression, and religion. The biggest issue is Adrian's plotline with dabbling... Ultimately, I think VA is a series of it's time. Certain elements don't withstand the test of time when it comes to what would be okay to publish in the 2020s.

The Adaptation:

I'm so excited for it, I literally don't care. I will be engaging with it as if it is fanfiction. I am just watching to be entertained, to see a new interpretation of a story I love dearly. I don't expect a super loyal adaptation, and without that expectation I think I've been able to really enjoy watching and engaging with the production process. The cast seem really passionate and excited, and I have a feeling Sisi will play the best version of Rose. I'm definitely wary of Julie Plec as showrunner, but at this point I'm just strapping in for the ride. Even if the show ends up flopping, I'm just ecstatic that someone approved a VA adaptation and gave it a second chance after that dumpster fire of a movie lol.

[neonacity]

BLACK DAISIES| CH.13 | EN PASSANT

Summary:

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

An NCT mafia AU with OT23. Summary: Working for the mafia comes with many layers. There’s excitement, violence, loss, and betrayals. Yet there’s also friendship, family, loyalty, and code. The last thing it needs? Love and all the complexities it brings.

TW: violence, death, mentions of sex, drugs, and other illegal activities. If you’re uncomfortable with any of these, feel free to skip. Author’s note: This is purely a work of fiction. In no way am I supporting all the illegal activities and behaviors that might be mentioned in the story nor am I implying that any member of NCT acts whichever way I may write them here.

Previously > Chapter 12 > Judas

MASTERLIST

Fic Trailer

Taeyong stared at the pile of photos on his lap with an unreadable expression. I watched blankly as he carefully sifted through them, his gaze burning through each one as if he was desperate to find any indications that they were fake. The silence inside the room was so thick and heavy that I could almost feel myself choking from it. 

I initially didn't want to bring it up to him with his injury still fresh, but I decided to go against my usual knee jerk reaction and brought the matter up as soon as the right timing came. As much as I wanted to keep this a secret, the case of the woman in the photo—my mother—is something that concerns the whole family, especially with the obvious confirmation that Jihoon is involved. I haven't had the strength to fathom the impact of it to its full extent yet, which is all the more reason why I needed Taeyong to look at it from his perspective. I could barely even manage to piece two things together, especially with the never-ending questions stacking up in my head. 

How is she alive?

Does my father know?

How does Jihoon fit in all of this?

Most importantly, how could she have went on with her life hiding this from me?

The last one was probably the heaviest out of everything. In a sea of all the politics, consequences, and possible dangers, my identity as this woman's daughter jumps out the most.

All those years that I thought I’ve lost her... It’s like everything I have ever known have been turned over their heads and nothing was—and is—real anymore. There’s only one reality that I couldn’t deny as much as I desperately wanted for it to be a lie. 

She betrayed me.

I felt a gentle hand resting over mine and I glanced up to see Taeyong looking at me with eyes full of understanding. His thumb gently ran over the top of my knuckles and I slightly loosened the grip that I had on the fabric of my pants.

"Have we checked if the photos are not manipulated?" He asked softly, as if he is being extra careful with his words. I nodded numbly in answer.

"There's a video. I checked it too. It's... real," I added, my voice sounding dead and foreign to my own ears. He didn't say anything immediately, but his hand never left mine. I couldn't blame him for being as equally lost to be honest. After all, he was also there when she 'died.' Back in our childhood, she was like a mother to him too.

"We'll look into it. We'll have the others work on it…" he hesitated slightly before continuing. "If it's too complicated for you."

I nodded slowly.

"I don't know how this will… affect things. I'm not sure if my father knows," I said quietly. I met his gaze then and I felt him squeeze my hand gently. "Aren't you afraid?"

"If you're asking me if I'm afraid for NCT, no, I'm not. Jihoon made it clear on the get go that this is a war, so I was expecting crazy things from him. Besides, I don't think there is anything we cannot take as a group," Taeyong stopped for a bit before speaking again. "But I'm terrified for you. Of what this means to you."

I looked away as I swallowed the choking feeling that had started to build in the back of my throat. He tugged on my hand that he was holding to guide me to sit by the edge of his bed and I wordlessly followed, my gaze resting on anywhere but him. I was afraid of what he might see there. 

"Hey…"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to be okay."

My heart squeezed at his reassuring words. This is another reason why I felt the desperate need to talk to him about this. Taeyong is so many things to me other than just being my leader. He's my best friend. And I just promised not to shut him out anymore.

"She left me."

He didn't say anything about that. One thing about him is that even though he cares, he was also never one to sugarcoat things or give empty promises. Right now, he does realize the implications of the situation the same way I do.

"And we'll find out why. If that's what you want," he said with a reassuring tone as he reached over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

I didn't give an immediate reply. Taeyong also didn't push for it more, giving me time.

"What do we do next?" I asked after a while and I saw his eyes cloud a little. When he spoke again, I knew he was talking as NCT’s leader.

"We'll double down on the efforts to hunt him down. This has gone way too long. If we need to sacrifice someone for it, we'll do it."

-------

Haechan knocked back the lollipop to the other side of his mouth as he leaned back against the banister outside of the grocery's entrance. For anyone passing by, he looks nothing more than a regular boy lounging lazily to while away his time, but a closer look would show the way his sharp eyes scanned his surroundings in high alert. His gaze swept over what he could see inside the complex from his position, his stance comfortable.

"Cashier five. We'll be out in two minutes."

"Updates, melk?" He asked in a low singsong voice, lips barely moving. The earpiece on his left crackled softly before a reply came back after a few seconds.

Haechan gracefully straightened up from his position and shoved his hands on the front pocket of his jacket. He kept his gaze steady on the entrance, and sure enough, he spotted her walking out towards his direction not long after. Tailing her was Mark who stepped away just in time from one of the smaller stalls inside the building, a paper bag casually swinging from his other hand. She was so distracted from trying to arrange what she had in her own bag of groceries that she completely missed the way Haechan pushed back from the entrance railing to walk directly towards her.

The moment she passed the sliding doors, he bumped against her, leading her to take a few steps back in surprise. Haechan easily turned to catch her, one of his hands slipping from his pocket to poke a syringe at her arm. Her eyes widened and she tried to pull away but Mark was quick enough to flank her on her other side, squeezing her between their tall frames.

"Ah, you should always look where you're going, noona~" Haechan said lightly as he threw an arm over her just in time before she slumped a little. She felt dizzy, the feeling in her body draining. For a regular person, however, she looked nothing more than a slightly intoxicated girl leaning against her friends for support. "If you try to struggle, I'll just give you another shot. I can't promise you won't overdose from it so let's play nice, okay?"

It wasn't like she even had the strength to even do that anyway. Eyes drooping, she felt herself being ushered to a car, the other boy holding her side merely giving her a glance as he ducked her into the backseat. Recognition flashed briefly in her features as she watched him fix her hands and feet with zip ties.

"We're inviting you for a little bit. There's a party waiting for you."

He waited for her to finally groan in realization before finally stepping into the ring of light offered by the single light bulb in the room. Her head snapped up, eyes turning into slits as she recognized him.

That and the dull thud of the car door closing were the last things she heard before she finally lost consciousness.

----

Johnny watched silently from his corner as the woman sitting in the middle of the room started to stir from her sleep. Hiding in the shadows, he made sure not to make any noise as her eyes finally opened, gaze trying to take in her surroundings. She still looked loopy from the sedative shot she got that it took her a while to finally notice her bound arms and legs on the chair.

"You."

"Nice sleep?"

She was smart enough not to try to struggle in her binds, though he didn't miss the derisive snort she gave as she leaned back on her chair. Johnny silently noted the usual feistiness with hidden amusement again—the last time they saw each other, he had a gun pointed at her head and she acted the same.

"I thought I made it clear the last time you tried to kill me that trying to put me over Jihoon's head is useless?"

He dug his hands in his pockets now as he regarded her. A sharp sting of pain ran across his left shoulder from the injury he got after the failed ambush with Wonho, but he kept a straight face as he looked down on her. When Taeyong gave the orders for her, he knew their family had finally snapped. Regardless of whether she is someone Jihoon cares for or not, she needs to be here.

"You're not here as bait for him," Johnny simply said now, his voice even. She stared for him for a moment but didn't say anything.

"We need information about your brother. We want him dead."

"Big news, you're not the only one," she shot back sarcastically without even batting an eye. In seconds, Johnny closed the distance between them and bent over, grabbing her jaw with his hands. He squeezed just enough to leave bruises on her skin.

"We're sure you know something, regardless if he trusts you with his information or not. He always had you on his side."

Her gaze on him didn't waver. He would be lying if he says he doesn't find her steadfastness impressive. In all their encounters, not once did she waver even with death staring her in the eyes. Unfortunately for her, he needs answers right now. 

"So you're the one in-charge with torture and interrogation then?" She asked, changing the topic entirely.

"Unfortunately for you, yes."

She smirked slowly, eyes moving towards his chest. "Are you sure you can break me with that injury of yours?"

Johnny was taken aback momentarily. He had his bandages well-covered by his clothes and he also was sure that she couldn’t see enough of him to see him move in discomfort. He frowned at her slightly and she answered with a soft laugh.

"You were standing oddly. So you fell for Jihoon's plans with Wonho then? How embarrassing. I was expecting more from your group."

His jaw tightened and he released his iron grip on her jaw. "You know his plans. All of them."

She merely shrugged. "Not all of them. Only those he would let me snoop over. I'm afraid what you guys assume about my involvement with him is wrong. I'm not his right hand. He is keeping me beside him for a different reason."

"What do you mean?"

For a moment, she just looked at him. The lighting in the room might be dim, but Johnny can't miss the look of loathing simmering just under her placid features.

"You won't get anything from me. Even if you kill me or skin me alive," she finally said after a while. The look she gave him was determined and unshakeable and he couldn't help but wonder what's stroking the fire of her anger towards her supposed ally. It's all confusing, how she seems to hate him with all of her being but still protects him in some way.

The two of them simply stared at each other for the next while, gazes burning against each other’s skulls. Finally, Johnny straightened up again to his full height, face unreadable.

"Then I guess you'll just rot here unless you change your mind," he said as he turned on his heels. "You have all the time in the world to think about it." He added without looking back as he flipped the light off before leaving her in the dark room.

----

"Hey."

Jungwoo, Yuta, and Taeil briefly glanced up at me as I walked into the main lobby of the headquarters warily. Each of them gave me a nod before turning back to their screens, Yuta moving just a little bit to give me the space to sit beside him. The three of them were currently camped in front of my computer set-ups, the photos I just got from the mail spread out in front of them. I tried my best not to look at them as I took my seat, my eyes set on the videos playing in the multiple screens. They all seem to be footage from security cameras taken from different parts of Seoul, some even overseas. On my right, Taeil looks like he was scanning a database of flights.

"You just woke up?" Yuta asked without even looking at me. He was flipping through a video of what looked like a hotel lobby, jumping time here and there. I nodded and didn’t say anything else. I was finally able to crash after going sleepless for more than a day and Taeyong apparently gave the orders for the others to start moving with the group's new plans while I was out cold. From what I could piece together, Haechan, Mark, and Johnny were in charge of securing someone from Jihoon's team as a hostage while WayV together with Doyoung and Dream were mobilizing our network of connections for his manhunt. Jungwoo, Taeil, and Yuta, from the looks of it, were in charge of tracing my mother.

"Do you have any…leads?" I asked carefully now as I still tried my best to ignore the photos in front of me. After the first time I checked them, I didn't really have the stomach to look at them again.

"No leads but I got some footprints," Jungwoo said. "I checked the locations in the photos and then we matched them with data from the security cameras. It seems like she had been moving between Korea and other countries for the past years," he explained. Taeil sighed from our other side and leaned back against his seat.

"She's been jumping here and there. Netherlands, France, UK. She's been rotating at least eight different identities according to her flight records.”

I swallowed. None of them still knows my direct connection to the woman they are still hunting down so I tried my best to hold back my emotions.

"Jihoon definitely knew her though. Some of his photos go back as early as eight years ago. He's been tailing her for almost a decade now."

That made me freeze on my seat. My hunch was correct after all. Jihoon knew she was alive as soon as she was presumed dead. Whatever it is, something happened that day the operation to 'save us' from our kidnappers happened. That is the only thing that makes sense at the moment.

"Did you—Did you guys find out anything about her latest movements?"

Yuta typed a few keys on his keyboard and pulled up a flight record on his monitor. "Three months ago, under one of her aliases. She landed in Seoul. We checked all records since then and there were no outbound flights that happened under any of her fake names. So we're assuming that she's still here."

I couldn't say anything about that. I was hoping she would be far away, at the ends of the earth where neither me or Jihoon can reach her, but it seems like my hopes for that are also slim. I was too lost in my own thoughts that I didn't notice Yuta throw me a knowing look. He immediately closed the window in his screen that I had been staring at. 

"Anyway, we're still working on it. Don't worry about it for now," he said, and I had an odd feeling that he knows more than what the others have pieced together so far. Yuta was also one of the earliest members of 127 and was welcomed almost the same time I 'joined,' so he has more history than the rest. Besides, even if he has gaps in what he knows, he is sharp enough to pick up on things with his observational skills.

I simply nodded now and fidgeted awkwardly on my seat. He noticed and was quick enough to divert the focus to lessen the pressure clinging in the air.

"By the way, how's your boyfriend?"

I was still so out of it that I simply answered out of reflex without even fully thinking over what he said.

"He's in his room I think. I told him to rest and—" I immediately stopped and blinked, my previous worries fully erased from my mind as I realized what I just did. I heard Jungwoo cough as if he was trying to hold back a laugh while Taeil adjusted himself on his seat over the other side, lips twitching.

"Nakamoto Yuta..."

The Japanese menace wasn't even the least bothered by my reprimanding tone. He simply shrugged, eyes not even moving from his screen.

"What? I just asked a question. You answered."

"He's—"

"You don't have to explain. None of us here are surprised. In fact, I would have locked the two of you together myself just so you can get the sexual tension over with if something didn't happen at this point."

My face was absolutely burning. Beside me, Jungwoo has resorted to full on giggles, totally giving up in masking his amusement.

"We're not—there is no sexual tension!"

Oh but Yuta wasn't finished yet. He pushed back a little from the desk now, rolled his eyes, and turned to me.

"You know what I was surprised about though? How you didn't even visit your best friend once just because you got a boyfriend. I've never had a break from injuries since all these shit started and you couldn't have had dropped in my room once. I was injured too. Is this how I raised you?"

I stared at him dumbstruck, my lips opening and closing in my futile attempt to defend myself. He simply raised his brows at me, challenging me to try.

"Hey, give them a break. They've been doing this weird dance since forever. Let them live," Taeil said with a laugh and I didn't know whether to thank him or reprimand him for his contribution.

"At least," Jungwoo chirped in from my other side and I glanced at him, hoping that he would help. "There's one good thing that happened out of all this mess. We've had a rough past few months."

“Yeah, and it took for him to be shot in the chest before things moved.” Yuta snorted before finally sighing and giving me a forgiving look. "Fine. You're off the hook. God dammit, now I want a girlfriend too."

"Why do you want a girlfriend?"

We all looked around to see Taeyong walking towards us, his button down only half done to let his bandaged chest breathe. I felt my cheeks heat up again and looked away as he stopped before our little party. Great. As if the situation isn’t bad enough, he’s here too. 

"Because I'm jealous of this chick here. We were talking about her boyfriend," Yuta smirked and jabbed his thumb towards me. I tried to shoot him a death glare but he didn't look the least bothered by it.

Taeyong nodded calmly, obviously not getting the double meaning behind it. What he said next almost made me want to vanish into thin air.

"What about me?"

I was in the middle of dying out of embarrassment when a door to the side suddenly opened, Johnny striding out of it. All five of us turned towards his direction but he barely even looked at us as he disappeared into the second floor. We heard the slamming of a glass door, telling us that he went to the outside balcony of our hideout.

All of us exchanged furtive glances with each other. Taeyong and I's gazes met and he gave me a slight nod, the meaning of which I understood quickly. Without saying anything, I pushed back from my seat and went to follow the other.

-----

"It's a little cold for you to go out with just that thin jacket, you know."

Johnny turned to glance at me and I gave him a small smile as I pushed his coat to his hands. He gave it one quick look before finally sighing and taking it from me to put it on. I waited for him to get settled and leaned on the same railing he was resting on, a comfortable silence between us.

Of all the members of 127, Johnny had always been the one who has the best control over his emotions. Even in the most stressful of times, he would always keep his cool, which makes him perfect for being one of the first line of defense of the unit. However, that doesn't mean he is immune from the troubles and the politics that happen around him. Taeyong surely is more vocal in the way he cares for everyone and Johnny balances that in his own silent, carefree way—but he surely is as dedicated, more than anyone could see sometimes.  

I glanced at him sideways now and noted the slight frown that has settled over his features as he continued to stare at the view beyond. He didn't need to say anything for me to understand what's bothering him at the moment. I may have grown up with Taeyong, but Johnny was the second one who joined our little group in our teens. He is the only other one who knows about my history, which means I know just as much about him from all those years.

"How did the interrogation go?" I asked casually now to try and test the waters. He didn't say anything at first, but finally broke his silence after, frustration evident in his voice.

"She doesn’t want to talk. I locked her down there for now."

"I see… Well, we'll keep doing our best. The rest are also working on finding Jihoon so we also have that alternative."

My words, unfortunately, didn't seem to have any effect on him. To be honest, I couldn't blame him for it as well. Johnny almost never cracks so to see him like this means that he has reached his limit. I could only guess how desperate he is to be on the field right now, but he and Yuta had no other choice but to stay back temporarily and leave the dirty work to the rest because of their injuries. On top of that, he has lost Jaehyun, one of the members he has been closest to, because of all the mess that had been going on. Even for him, I knew that was a particularly hard blow.

"Johnny… Everything's going to be alright," I spoke up again even if I know I'm simply saying empty words at the moment. He laughed without humor and leaned over the metal banister, hands locking in front of him.

I didn't really know how to answer that. How could I, when he is telling the truth?

"Is it? We never know what's coming. We've lost people; the others barely made it. What if next time we won't be so lucky anymore?"

"What happened with Jaehyun was beyond our control…"

"Right. Which makes it even more frustrating. But it wouldn't have happened if the son-of-a-bitch didn't decide to start—" he stopped all of a sudden and quickly glanced at me.

"It's fine. My father deserves it," I said plainly, my face hard.

He looked away guiltily. Silence settled over us, and for a while we allowed ourselves to just feel the frustrations we've been trying to keep at bay. He was the first one to say something again.

"I'm sorry. I haven't really checked on you. I… heard about your mother."

My jaw clenched and I sighed. I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone after bringing it up with Taeyong, but I know that Johnny is someone I can trust.

"Don't be. I'm also trying not to think about it too much or else I'll be useless. Distraction is the last thing that I—we all need right now."

Johnny looked like he wanted to say more about the topic. I know he can see right through me so I was grateful when he didn't comment anymore and simply pursed his lips. He looked a little bit less tense now at least, the air around him not so strung up anymore.

"It's good that you have Taeyong now though. Actually, I don't think you've ever lost him anyway."

I felt my cheeks start to burn again and I tried to cover it up by shooting him a look.

"Are you going to complain that I didn't check on you too like Yuta did?"

That made him laugh a bit.

"Hell no. I'm not as dramatic as him."

I watched him silently for a moment, taking in the way he still tries to smile despite the obvious worries weighing him down. A wave of nostalgia hit me then and I smiled softly to myself.

"You know, I liked you for a long time... A lot…"

Johnny quickly glanced at me, mild surprise in his expression. Just like me, he wasn't probably expecting that to come up in the conversation. I didn't feel any awkwardness though… instead there was just this sense of relief taking over me.

He turned back to the view in front of him, a slight smile finally tugging on his lips.

"I know."

My eyes rounded.

"You did?"

He laughed and straightened up with a shrug before digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Come on, I've never been the clueless type. To be honest, there was a time when I wanted to...try too. I just didn't go through with it."

Well, that was unexpected.

"It's because you don't really see yourself with Taeyong so you don't understand, but anyone from a mile away will get it. You two just don't seem to escape each other's orbit no matter how hard you both tried to step back from it. You don't... really mess with something like what you two have."

"Why?" The question, of course, didn't have any other implications, but my curiosity was getting the best of me. Johnny glanced at me again, smiling.

I couldn't find the words to say about that. My face felt hot, something Johnny definitely caught because he playfully nudged me with his shoulder.

"So why did you have a crush on me, huh? I mean, I know I'm handsome, dashing, and perfect but—"

I pulled a face at him and pushed him back. Despite everything, it feels good now to be joking again with him.

"It's because you felt safer to like," I answered anyway after his laughter at my retaliation subsided. "Taeyong was part of a life I wanted to leave behind and I wanted so much to escape it so I pushed him away. Also, when I thought I lost my mother, I was… broken. I was afraid I'll have to go through it again if the same happens with him. He was too much of a risk for me."

I could feel Johnny's stare on me as he processed what I just said. It felt like my chest was significantly lighter now that I've let that out.

"How about now? Do you feel safe with him?"

I didn't even hesitate when I met his gaze, a small smile on my lips.

"Yes."

Johnny returned it with his own and sighed in contentment. "Good. Now we only really need to get rid of Jihoon to make sure he doesn't bother you or Taeyong anymore," he frowned. "That psycho is obsessed with the two of you."

My smile dropped at the mention of the name and I buried my hands in the pockets of my jacket to warm them.

"I don't think he's entirely obsessed with us. Taeyong and I...we knew him since he was young. I think he hates us because we remind him of one thing he's always been frustrated over. Position. I mean, I was my father's heir. And Taeyong's parents were also high ranking members."

Johnny looked at me in confusion.

"What do you mean? He's the son of Busan's head, right?"

I nodded. "He is. But he isn't the legal one."

He looked shocked. I'm not that surprised by his reaction though since Jihoon's family background is something that has only been known to the inner circles of the family.

"Jihoon was the first born to his father, but he isn't considered the true heir because his mother was a mistress. By rule of code, only first borns from the legal wife have claim over the position. That's something he never liked."

Johnny could feel a growing realization steadily take over him as he took in that piece of information. He tried his best to hold it back though, at least until he got all the missing pieces of the puzzle.

"So he has...siblings."

"Had. Well at least, from what we can assume. He has a half-sister and a younger brother from what I know. Sadly, they both disappeared when their parents died. Everybody assumes Jihoon got them killed so he can take leadership over Busan."

"Do you remember their names?"

I frowned as I tried to rack my brains. "No. I don't. I haven't really met them in perso—" I stopped all of sudden then as one particular memory came back. "I think I remember the old Busan head mentioning his son's name before though. Sh… Sungchan? I'm not sure."

"Their bodies were never found though?"

I shook my head.

Johnny remained quiet for a bit. When he spoke again, he looked set about something.

"I think we might have a better chance of making our guest talk now."

I clicked on it before my anxiety got the best of me. Immediately, it felt like the wind was punched out of my gut as I saw the image there.

----

I had just closed the door to my room when I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate. I didn't pay it much attention as I worked on opening my laptop, my thumb automatically unlocking the screen without me realizing it. By the time I looked down on it, the notification for the new picture message that I received was glaring back at me. I felt my heart stop, then start beating erratically again at the unknown number that registered as sender.

It was a photo of my mother, but unlike the ones I got before, she wasn't laughing.

Instead she was being kept behind what looked like a thick barred cell with only enough light to illuminate the features that I need for me to recognize her.

I was still staring at it in horror when my phone vibrated again, this time with a call from the same unknown number. I quickly pressed the answer button and whipped it to my ear.

"Do you like my little gift, love?"

It's as if ice was injected straight to my veins.

"You son of a bitch, where is my mother?!"

Jihoon simply chuckled at the other end of the line. He sounds nothing more than amused.

"Oh? I wasn't expecting you to be so angry. Shouldn't you be mad at your mum instead? Ask her how she climbed from her grave?"

"Fuck you. What do you want from her? Let her go!" I was barely able to keep my voice low as anger coursed through me. He sighed happily at my reaction as if he was enjoying my pain.

"I will, don't worry. I just really called you because I thought it wouldn't hurt to play nice for once and give you a chance."

I froze. I could feel a new emotion starting to creep in my spine, mixing with the anger and panic.

Fear.

"You see, I'm kinda getting bored with this little game we've been playing. I thought I'd just finish it once and for all and claim the Don-ship from your father by giving him the perfect gift. I mean, I've always known I was going to get it, with this ace up in my sleeve, but I wanted to have some fun first."

My eyes widened in realization. I could hear my blood pumping inside my head.

"Do you think he'll like it, honey?" Jihoon spoke again and I could almost taste his twisted smile. "What do you think your father will do to his long-lost wife~?"

"Don't—"

"A-ah. I'm not done yet. I told you I am going to give you a chance, right? It'll be all too boring if I just win the game without one last challenge. So here's what you should do. Come and find me and try to get your mother back. If you win, you'll at least have the chance to save her. If you lose, well I'll deliver her to the devil himself complete with a pretty bow. Easy, right? You just need to come to me."

I couldn't speak. I was frozen in fear as I listened to every word he said.

"If you were paying attention, that wouldn't be hard at all. The clue is right in front of you."

I was about to open my mouth to answer but he was quick enough to shut me down. For the second time, it was like the wind was knocked out of me at his last words.

"You have 48 hours. The clock starts now."

The line died, leaving me shocked and shaken at the silence of my room.

CHAPTER 14

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already ���what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[inessencedevided]

Wei Wuxian enters the Underworld Chamber with several scrolls clutched in his arms, struggling to keep them all together but he is able to settle them down on a table next to the one that is holding his client with a great clatter. For a moment he entertains himself with thinking what the Second Jade who was known to be very rule abiding would say to his general … everything. He would probably have those straight, black eyebrows furrowed and reprimand him with a single word.

“Let’s see what we’ve got here, hm?”, he offers and sifts through his collection of scrolls from the library of the Lan sect. “Your older brother gave me access to some very interesting scrolls, you know?! Your sect is famous for musical cultivation, he told me that you were on your way to become the best guqin player, close to Lan Yi. Fascinating stuff, this. Inquiry. Talking to the dead through the means of music. Maybe this will help me before I use Empathy. Which is a method I invented.”

He does this a lot, chattering away at people to break the ice. There is not a lot of ice to break because the person he is talking to is dead but it still feels nicer than to be completely quiet. And according to ZewuJun, his brother is still here, so maybe he will feel less alone like this. So he shuffles over to the guqin that seems to have been repaired. There is still some brownish-red residue on the wood and he knows that it only can be one thing. Blood. “Alright. Let’s do this,” he says softly. Carefully, he follows the movements that are described on the page, lets the notes ring out, waits for an answer in the dark.

There is silence for a moment and he is afraid he played so badly that the ghost is somehow offended and doesn’t want to come. But then, suddenly, there is an answer. No unnecessary embellishments, played slowly so he can understand but still so beautiful that he knows who it is. Who it only can be.

Who are you sings the instrument and he makes an excited sound, shuffling even closer. Wei Wuxian he answers, carefully playing out the notes. Your brother. Asked for help. he answers haltingly. It is almost like learning a new language. I go through memories. Am I allowed? There is another moment of silence, then he swears the answer sounds almost surprised. Yes. You may, Wei Wuxian. He giggles and bites his lip. “Call me Wei Ying,” he tells the room before remembering that he should have used the guqin. The instruments sings out, completely unprompted. Wei Ying.

His grin threatens to split his face and he gets up, walking towards the body, taking in the serene face, the inky hair, the creamy skin. He really is a beauty. “Just a moment,” he tells him and pats his hand, walking to the door and calling Lan Xichen in, who comes without any further prompting. “He gave me permission,” Wei Wuxian explains and then hands the sect leader a Clarity Bell, a thank you from Jiang Yanli for helping her sect when it called for it. “Ring this when things get sticky or I do not wake up. It will call me back.”

ZewuJun nods, taking the Bell, settling in, watching them both with a worried expression but Wei Wuxian just smiles and kneels next to the body, taking his hands, noticing how cold and yet soft they are, callouses at their fingertips from playing the guqin. “Lan Wangji,” he whispers. “Show me. Show me what is keeping you here.”

The memories feel like the first snow beneath naked feet, dropping into a body of cold water but also like standing on a mountain and letting the winds rush by. They start with a little boy kneeling in front of a house surrounded by gentians, clad in the same white the whole sect wears. He is six at most and why this memory is shown, Wei Wuxian doesn’t know but he keeps concentrating, diving deeper. He sees a strikingly handsome teenager studying in the library, copying old scrolls, playing quin and sneaking vegetables to the back hills where white bunnies roam. The images flash by, a lecture with disciples from other sects, Wen Chao and his entourage arriving and making a scene.

One moment stands out. The same teenager who must be Lan Wangji catches a young female disciple roaming the back hills, a Wen from the red of her robes. He walks away with her and the scenery shifts. They are in a building that is most likely the home of the sect leader, ZewuJun and his brother who stands next to him, straight-backed and breathtaking. He can hear voices, hears them talking of something Wen Ruohan wants, that he will raze the Cloud Recesses to the ground for it. The Yin Iron. Part of it is hidden away here. They will need to prepare for the worst.

The scene shifts again, to Caiyi and Lan Wangji walking through the busy market, holding his sword in his hand, one hand in a fist behind his back like a proper gentleman. He can hear crying and both of them look for the source of it, Wei Wuxian constricted by the limited sight he has. It is little girl with braided buns, crying heartbreakingly next to a stall with animals made from colourful cloth.

The cultivator with the severe face and the countenance of a remote, snow-capped mountain, kneels next to her and hands her a bunny rabbit made from colourful cloth, just purchased apparently, waiting for her to talk. “I lost my gege,” she sobs and shuffles closer, hugging him, getting his white robes dirty. He does not seem to care, instead looks at her and gently lays a hand on her shoulder. “I have a gege as well. I would be scared if I lost him in the crowd,” he says and oh, his voice. It’s calm and deep, trying to settle the little girl. “Shall we look for him together?”

She sniffles and nods, taking his hand in hers, looking up at him in awe and Wei Wuxian can relate. After just a moment, they have found her big brother and the little girl runs to hug him with a shriek of delight. He can see the corners of Lan Wangji’s mouth tilt up into a soft smile, barely noticeable but it is there. He seems to be content with a job well done.

Another shift. They seem to come quicker now, more talk of the Yin Iron, someone he recognises as Lan Qiren taking stock of their most valuable scriptures, letting it be taken away. It is terribly busy but Lan Wangji is a mountain in a rushing stream, carrying what he can with his impressive arm strength.

Yet another and the Cloud Recesses are burning. The disciples are running, many of them armed, some carrying instruments. Caiyi is in disarray as well, people barricading their homes, locking up their animals. Lan Wangji is making a sweep through town, his immaculate robes already stained with soot. The little girl from before runs towards him and hugs his leg, tearful and scared but she knows she is safe with the young cultivator. He gently pats her head and does the same to her rabbit doll.

Then, his face grows serious and he kneels down to look at her, reaching up and undoing his ribbon that falls into his hands, carefully tying it around her wrist. “Keep this safe. Go and take your brother, your parents and look for a grey mountain with yellow veins. This will give you free passage through the secret entrance. You will be safe,” he tells her gently and gets up. “Look for a man who looks like me but older. Lan Xichen.”

Another shift. This one seems to be the last. Lan Wangji is riddled with arrows, bleeding profusely, staggering but still standing upright. His forehead is bare, his hands around the hilt of his sword are bloodied but he carries himself with grace and sheer bullheaded stubbornness. What was that saying again? No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it. He is so very brave. Wei Wuxian can feel his need to protect the ones who are hidden in the cave behind him even at the cost of his own life.

He seems to have set his mind on something, following Wen Xu, even as another arrow buries itself in his back and a voice cries out “A-Zhan! No!”. A sharp crack, bones crunching. His leg is broken but Wen Xu is dead, staring into nothingness. Lan Wangji does not cry out, instead uses his sword to get up again, breathing hard, spitting blood but still, there is a defiant light in his eyes. Someone trips him up and he falls to his knees, his head held high, his guqin on the ground next to him, strings bloodied. As the sword finds its mark, Wei Wuxian does not look away. Dares not look away. Lan Wangji stays proud and brave until he crumples to the ground and stops breathing.

Ringing, silvery and gentle, pulls him out of the cold waters, guides him back into his own body. As he comes to with a gasp, he notices that he has been crying. He wipes his eyes and looks at the body in front of him, at this brave and stubborn man who died defending those he cared about. “You were so good. So good, Lan Zhan,” he whispers, the personal name slipping out as he squeezes the cold hands, looks into his serene face. “The best.”

He turns to Lan Xichen who looks like he has been crying as well. “He died with the deep wish to protect still ingrained into him. He wants to make sure you are alright. And… he is guarding something. I… you spoke of the Yin Iron.”

The way Lan Xichen pales is answer enough.

- 🍄 anon

(Part one for all who didn't read it)

Omg!!! You sent me through every feeling IMAGINABLE 🍄 anon 😭😭😭

That line about there being a lot of ice to crack made me laugh and then you just came at me like that with feelings about lwj dieing! Not. Fair. 🥺

And lwj + little kids = love :D

[lightininglydia]

The Rest Will Be History - George Weasley

Pairings: George Weasley x non specific house reader, Sirius Black x reader (parental), slight Remus Lupin x reader ( parental), George x reader x Fred (platonic)

Warnings: lots of arguing, feelings of abandonment etc 

Summary: You wonder why you aren’t enough for Sirius and why you always come second to everyone but George reminds you that you’ll never come second to him

Trope: Childhood best friends to lovers 

Word Count: 4.9K

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You sighed as you continued to argue with Sirius over Harry. You had asked him to do one thing which was to show up and be there for you but instead he blew you off for Harry again. 

“ come on (y/n) don’t be ridiculous Harry needs me “ Sirius sighed feeling exhausted 

“ so do I “ you stated feeling as if he was just pushing your feelings aside 

“ He’s my godson! “ he shouted at you now feeling angry at how selfish you were being

“ and I’m your daughter! but that doesn’t seem to matter to you now does it? “ you shouted back feeling hurt by your fathers words 

“ Harry doesn’t have any parents “ Sirius tried reasoning with you 

“ yeah well by the looks of it neither do I “ you whispered before turning away from him and walking out 

“ He’s trying you know “ Remus said from beside you 

“ for who Rem? For you? For Harry? Because he’s certainly not trying for me. I asked him to do this one thing for me! To be there for ME today but he just couldn’t do that now could he! He was too excited to take Harry back to school shopping and to spend time with Harry!” You snapped feeling tired of having to defend your behavior 

“ he was locked away for years and- “ Remus started but you quickly cut him off knowing you had heard enough.

“ No Remus that’s not an out.... he doesn’t get to use that as an excuse as to why he pays more attention to Harry because for 12 years I had to live without my father! Harry didn’t even know he existed! While I sat there for TWELVE years missing him everyday! begging and pleading for someone to listen to me when I said he was innocent but no one did! Harry’s not the only one that lost everything that night and it’s about time you all recognize that “ you spat before storming upstairs 

Once you reached the top of the stairs you were met with several pairs of eyes. They all wore expressions of sympathy and pain for you. Especially Harry. 

You sighed before pulling the younger boy in for a hug.

“ it’s not your fault okay? I’m sorry that we’ve practically dragged you in the middle of this argument “ you mumbled 

“ it’s alright... I didn’t know about today if I had I wouldn’t have gone with him and-“ 

“ Harry.... this is on Sirius and Sirius alone okay? I don’t want you worrying about this alright? “ you asked him as you pulled away 

“ alright “ he answered with a small smile on his face. 

You returned the smile before walking into your room. Thankfully none of them had followed you so you could begin packing your things in silence. You couldn’t possibly stay here any longer, it was too painful and troubling for you. It felt as if you were always second best to everyone... to Sirius, to Remus... you’d even become second to Molly well third considering her actual children come first.

You were sick of having to beg for your own father’s attention and sick of wondering why you weren’t enough for him. Always coming second to Harry no matter what. A part of you knew it was because being with Harry made him feel close to James and Lily but that wasn’t an excuse for him to neglect you and ignore you when you needed him most. 

“ tell me you’re not leaving “ George said as he entered the room without knocking 

“ I could tell you that but unfortunately I’d be lying also there’s this thing called knocking.... you should try it “ you shrugged

“ ahh yes I’ll be sure to keep that in mind next time.... so you’re really going to leave me all alone here to suffer “ he sighed before dramatically throwing himself on your bed 

“ always one for the dramatics..... it’s only a few days George “ you stated as you threw yourself next to him 

“ yeah but once we get back to school things are different.... it’s our last year (y/n) we’ll hardly have time to just be us and then before we know it everything is done and we part ways and then who knows the next time we’ll see each other “ he rambled 

“ All the time. You’ll be running the shop with Fred and I’ll be taking extra courses to become a professor and we’ll see each other whenever we want... we’ll be living the lives we’ve dreamed of since first year and everything will be perfect Georgie “ 

“ I’m sorry about Sirius “ he whispered 

“ yeah... me too “ you said before leaning your head on his shoulder 

“ is there anything I can do to make you stay.... we could build a Fort out of blankets and pillows like we used to and watch muggle films and have mum make us some hot chocolate and just escape everything and everyone for a while “ He said softly as he ran his fingers through your hair 

“ you really want me to stay? “ 

“ of course.... I always want you around “ he smiled softly while looking down at you 

“ then I’ll stay “ you declared 

“ you’d really stay just for me? “ he asked 

“ I’d do anything for you George.... you should know that by now “ 

“ I’d do anything for you too “ 

You looked up at him and smiled knowing that no matter what happens in life you’d always have George Weasley by your side and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“ Oi! You two get up let’s go mum says it’s time for dinner “ Fred shouted 

Before you could stand up you found yourself being lifted up and thrown over George’s shoulder 

“ George Fabian Weasley you put me down right this instant! “ you shouted as he ran down the hallway and to the stairs 

“ no can do love “ he laughed as he ran down the stairs

You couldn’t help but laugh. George always seemed to put a smile on your face no matter what.

“ George put (y/n) down! “ you heard Molly shout but George still didn’t listen as he continued to carry you right to the table. 

You were a laughing mess by the time he set you down in the chair next to his at the dinner table. You felt slightly dizzy but the feeling of happiness that coursed through your body made it worth it. 

“ Thank you “ you whispered to George ignoring all the eyes on the two of you 

“ for what? “ he questioned as he leaned in closer to you 

“ always being here.... no one makes me smile like you do so thank you “ 

He just smiled at you before giving you a quick kiss on your forehead and pulling away, turning his attention towards Molly who now stood at the head of the table. 

“ I know these next few days are going to be a bit hectic and this may be our last dinner just us so I wanted to toast everyone especially Fred, George and (y/n) as they go into their last year at Hogwarts. I’ve gotten to watch the three of you grow up together and I am so proud of all three of you “ she said with tears in her eyes. 

Tears pricked in your eyes knowing Molly was like a second or third mother to you . I mean the woman had practically raised you alongside Narcissa much to Lucuis’s dismay.

“ Thank you Molly “ your voice shook as you spoke, an indicator you were trying not to cry. 

“ oh my dear.... it has been an honor to see you grow into this fierce and strong woman. I want to thank you for always looking after my boys and Ginny and let you know that I am so proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished. I cannot wait to see you teach at Hogwarts in the next few years. You’re like a daughter to me and I feel so grateful to have you in our lives “ 

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling at her words. You stood up and made your way over to her practically throwing yourself in her arms, hugging her tight. 

“ Thank you for always being there for me and welcoming me into your home. Encouraging me over the years and overall being the parent I never had “ you whispered in her ear knowing that no one else needed to hear what you were saying.

You pulled away and gave her a smile before returning to your seat next to George who wore the biggest smile on his face. 

He loved that his family loved you just as much as he did. 

“ I’d also like to make a toast to (y/n)..... I know I’m not usually one for the sappy stuff but you’re my best friend and pretty much sister and I’m so proud of you. We’ve been by each other’s side for as long as I can remember and you’ve been our biggest supporter. Staying up late to help us come up with products or to help us study, always looking out for us and Ron and Ginny.... I can’t believe you’ve spent all these years rebelling along with us just to become a professor but I’m proud of you none the less and I love you like a lot.... you’re family to us Weasley’s and if Mum had her way you’d already be married in “ Fred laughed which also caused you to laugh 

“ I love you too Freddie “ you laughed before standing up and pulling him in for a hug. Once he pulled away and sat down you stayed standing up 

“ since we’re toasting and giving speeches I’d like to make one too..... I wouldn’t be the person I am today without all of you here and I appreciate having all of you in my life. However.... these two red headed twins here are the most important people in my life. So I want to make a toast to the two of you. You guys are two of the smartest most innovative people I’ve ever met. I mean what 14,15,16,17 year olds do you know that can do what you’ve done? I have no doubt in my mind that with whatever you decide to do in life that you’ll excel at it. I believe in the two of you with everything I can and I love you guys so much “ 

They both stood up and pulled you in for a hug which caused you to laugh. When you pulled away you all sat down and looked around at everyone at the table. They all wore proud smiles and most were teary eyed after seeing just how close the three of you truly were. You however didn’t miss the sad look on Sirius’s face, it caused your chest to sink and the happiness you felt to immediately void your body. 

Before you could say something to him and owl appeared at the window causing Molly to rush over and open it. You recognized the owl as one of the Malfoy’s owl’s so you knew it was here for you. The owl quickly flew over to you and dropped a letter in your lap before flying away. You ignored all the questions and quickly opened the letter. 

My dearest (y/n),

I wish I could be with you in the next few days as you prepare for your final year at hogwarts but unfortunately given our current situation that’s not possible.

I fear for Draco’s safety in the coming years and would like to ask if you’d look after him for me this year....Look out for one another like you’ve done for so many years despite all that’s going on. Take care of and love each other. 

It appears we’re going to be on opposing sides of this upcoming war and I want you to know that no matter what happens that I will always love you like a daughter. No matter who you align yourself with or who you love or what you are you will always be family to me. 

I wish you nothing but the best in your final year and want you to know that I believe in you. I know you’re going to do great things. I love you, stay safe and take care of yourself 

Love - Cissy

You folded the letter back up as a few more years slipped from your eyes. You sniffled before smiling. 

“ well who was it from? “ Remus asked 

“ Cissy.... she just wanted to wish me luck “ you beamed with tear filled eyes 

“ Cissy? As in Narcissa Malfoy? You trust that retched woman? “ Sirius asked with a venomous tone taking you by surprise a d causing your blood to boil 

“ retched woman? That retched woman took me in and raised me while you were in Azkaban! You have no right to speak on things you know nothing about “ you bit back causing everyone’s eyes to go wide. 

You hardly ever spoke to anyone like that so when you spoke to your own father like that it shocked everyone however you were extremely close with Narcissa.

“ (y/n) Andromeda black you will not speak to me like that in my own house! “ Sirius shouted 

“ it’s Malfoy and as of (y/b/d) it was made my house. Your mother hated you Sirius the tapestry proves it. The house and everything she ever had was to be given to me when I turned 17 so I’ll speak to you however I please in MY house that I’ve allowed you to stay in “ your tone was icy as your glare hardened 

“ what? “ he asked baffled 

“ it’s true.... your mother left the house to her only grandchild. She was raised by the Malfoy’s so she figured she would carry on the black family legacy instead she’s here fighting alongside the order and helping to keep you safe.... it might help if you pay an ounce of attention to her considering you’re only safe here because of her “ Remus said calmly 

The room had fallen silent and everything was now awkward. You felt bad for how you had snapped at Sirius but at the same time the way he had been treating you lately had been making your blood boil. 

“ well.... I think I’ll just head to bed now “ Sirius announced before standing up and making his way out of the room. 

You sighed as you looked over at Remus 

“ thank you Rem.... I’m sorry for all this arguing and I know that must have been hard for you “ 

“ It wasn’t.... yes Sirius is my best friend but you’re my god daughter. He trusted me to protect you, keep you safe and stand up for you so that’s exactly what I’ll do even if it‘s him I have to fight “ 

You just smiled at him before looking around at everyone. 

“ okay let’s eat! “ you exclaimed. 

Dinner passed quickly everyone making small talk and enjoying themselves. Everyone except you, the thought of Sirius sitting alone in his room instead of down here where he should be was weighing heavily on you. 

“ go “ George said suddenly, snapping you out of your thoughts 

“ what? “ 

“ go get him “ he said while motioning for you to get up and go 

“ how did you-“ 

“ because I know you “ he beamed causing you to look up at him with a look of adoration on your face. 

“ stop ogling me and go “ George laughed 

Your face turned red before nodding and standing up, quickly excusing yourself and running up the stairs. You quietly walked over to his room and opened the door.

“ you’ve spent enough time alone and in the dark don’t you think “ your voice was soft as you looked down on the man who sat in the corner all alone 

“ used to it by now “ he muttered 

“ come back downstairs.... you shouldn’t be up here alone when there’s a room full of people that love you downstairs “ 

“ the one I want to love me the most is the one who seemingly loves me the least “ 

“ If I loved you the least do you think I’d be standing here? “ 

“ did they really raise you? The Malfoy’s? “ 

“ yes.... they did and they did a good job. Lucius was more focused on raising Draco and Narcissa was more focused on raising me. She’s the closet thing I have to a mother besides molly “ 

There was silence for a moment until you decided to finally ask the question that had been looming over you for months. 

“ why aren’t I good enough.... I mean why is Harry so important to you but I’m not “ 

Sirius looked up at you, a look of pain and guilt spreading across his face at your words. 

“ oh (y/n) it’s not that it’s- “ he stopped, trying to find the words. 

“ I used to write to you.... I could never send them of course but I always wrote you letters telling you about myself and my friends... how my day was going and how no matter what anyone said I’d always believe you were innocent... tell you that I would give absolutely anything for someone else to realize it so we could finally be a family “ you stopped to take a breath before continuing 

“ When you broke out I was so happy.... the childlike fantasies could finally be real and you’d come and find me and tell me how you thought of me everyday but you didn’t.... you didn’t do any of that instead you came for Harry. You told Harry how you wanted nothing more than to be a family and I had to find out from Professor Snape that you had come to the castle. It’s not Harry’s fault and it’s not your fault that you were thrown in Azkaban but I can’t help but wonder.... why was Harry worth breaking out of Azkaban for but I wasn’t? How many years did you wait? Did you ever think of me? “ 

Sirius looked up at you with nothing but pain in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t because he didn’t have an answer to any of your questions. 

“ guess I have my answers then......I expect you downstairs in the next few minutes or I’ll send Kreacher up here to bother you until you make a reappearance “ You didn’t give him time to respond as you turned and exited his room quickly. 

You made your way back downstairs and into the dining room where all eyes were suddenly on you. Remus looked at you with a questioning look but you just shook your head. You quickly sat back down next to George before speaking up. 

“ He’ll be down in a moment “ and a few people smiled thinking that had meant you’d fixed your relationship with one another but George and Remus knew that wasn’t the case. 

Sirius eventually came down and you avoided the glances thrown your way from him, Remus and George. They all tried reading you to grasp how you were feeling but you were much more focused on your conversation with Ginny. 

Slowly but surely everything died down and people started heading up to bed. You promised Molly you’d clean everything up so she could have a break, She tried fighting with you on it but you were very stubborn something you seemed to have in common with Sirius. 

Soon the only two people left were you and George. You could tell he was tired and were almost positive the only reason he stayed was to find out what had happened. 

“ Go to bed Georgie.... I can tell that you’re tired “ you said as you stood up and began cleaning up, using magic to help. 

“ not until you tell me what’s bothering you so much “ he responded sleepily 

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about “ you muttered 

“ (y/n) I’ve know you almost our whole lives.... I know when somethings wrong so please just talk to me “ he begged 

You sighed before setting everything down, casting a cleaning spell and looking at him. 

“ you wanna know what wrong George? I’ll tell you what’s wrong! I am so sick of coming second and never being enough for anyone! I’ve come second to Draco my entire life and now I get to come second to Harry! I asked him if he ever thought of me while he was locked away and why Harry was worth breaking out for and I wasn’t and he was SPEECHLESS! He couldn’t say ANYTHING! He couldn’t tell me that he loved me and that all he did was think of me while he was away and you wanna know why George? It’s because he doesn’t love me! At least not like he loves Harry and he couldn’t tell me he thought of me everyday because he DIDN’T! He thought of Harry! “ your tone was a lot harsher than you intended for it to be but you couldn’t be bothered to apologize. 

“ Well then he’s an idiot! They all are! Anyone that could ever put you second is absolutely mad! You’re the most beautiful and wonderful person I’ve ever met and anyone that doesn’t want to love you or get to know you is so unbelievably stupid! There is no one in the world like you.... you’re one of a kind and everyone that looks past you or that puts you second is missing out on the best opportunity of their life! “ he explained 

“ and what would that be? “ you asked 

“ Getting to be loved by you.... I know this might not be the best time to say this but if I don’t say it now I don’t think I ever will. I love you (y/n)..... I love you so much it hurts! I’ve been such a coward all these years never being able to tell you but I love you! If it wasn’t so bloody late I’d be shouting it out loud for everyone to hear! I mean you’re magnificent! The most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I am so so lucky to have had you in my life all these years! You’re more than enough for me in fact I don’t think I’m quite enough for you! and the only time you’ll ever come second is when we’re married and have kids “ he said with certainty 

“ you’ll always be enough for me Georgie “ was all you could manage to say 

“ So.... a September wedding then? “ he joked 

“ September? I was think an August wedding “ you joked back 

“ I guess I’ll have to go buy a ring then “ he laughed 

“ I guess I should probably tell you I love you too then because I do Georgie.... I love you so much I’ve just been to scared to do anything about it in fear of losing you “ you confessed 

“ you could never lose me love.... unfortunately you’re stuck with me for eternity “ 

“ so.... married with kids? You must have our entire future planned out in that head of yours huh “ 

“ it’s like you said.... I’ll have the shop and you’ll be a professor! Then one day I’ll get down on one knee and the rest will be history “ he whispered 

“ I wouldn’t want it any other way “ you whispered back 

“ did I just witness a love confession, marriage proposal and promise of children!? Bloody hell let’s graduate first why don’t we “ Fred exclaimed as he made his way down the stairs and towards the two of you

“ you did say earlier if your mother had her way I’d already be married into the family so really we’re just doing her a favor “ you said 

“ Oi would you three shut it! I get it you’re in love and blah blah blah but some of us are trying to sleep “ Ron exclaimed from the top of the stairs 

“ Ron you say that as if we didn’t just stand at the top of the stairs listening to everything... “ Ginny spoke 

“ Who’s been listening! “ you exclaimed 

“ everyone “ Remus yelled down 

“ Remus! “ you shouted 

“ I expect George to ask me formally if he can marry my goddaughter when the time comes now goodnight everyone “ he said which caused you to let out a soft chuckle 

“ I think you should ALL head to bed “ you laughed but then a sinking feeling set it 

“ Freddie.... when Gin said everything did-“ 

“ yeah.... Sirius and Harry looked quite upset and Remus pretty much had to hold his tongue from saying anything nasty to Sirius “ Fred mumbled causing a frown to settle upon your face 

“ This sucks “ you huffed before sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor. 

Fred and George looked at one another before doing the same on either side of you. You smiled at both of them for a moment before looking down at the ground. 

“ I don’t mean to make Harry feel bad I really don’t. It’s not his fault.... it’s just so hard when all Sirius cares about is him. I mean in ways I get it I really do.... he’s the child of his two best friends and he wants to love and protect Harry and make sure he knows he does in fact have a family and people that care about him but what about me? It sounds selfish to always be thinking what about me but I’m serious- “ 

“ no I’m Sirius “ a voice interrupted you causing you to look up and lock eyes with Sirius. 

You wanted to be mad at him but you couldn’t help but laugh at the very poor and overused joke of his. 

“ Well Freddie I say we head off to bed.... I’ll see you in the morning love and we’ll chat more about us “ George said before practically yanking Fred up and dragging him up the stairs. 

Sirius made his way over to you and slid down the wall so he could sit next to you. There was an awkward silence, neither one of you really knowing what to say. 

“ I did.... I did think about you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I did. And I’m sorry for prioritizing Harry and overlooking you. All these years couldn’t have been easy on you and I guess I never really took a minute to recognize that. It’s been so long that sometimes I forget to acknowledge that he killed your mother the same night he killed James and Lily.... I often think if I had gotten there just a little while earlier James and I could have held him off long enough for your mother and Lily to take the two of you and get away but instead your mother rushed downstairs with James thinking they’d be able to hold him off.... stupid git left his wand in the bathroom and I don’t even want to think about- “ Sirius trailed off not wanting to say what happened next 

“ I found you in Harry’s crib.... it was so hard to see everyone like that it really was.... then I was sent away never knowing if I’d ever see you again. I held onto hope I’d see both you and Harry again and over time I guess I began to prioritize him and that was unfair of me.... I should have tried harder for you. I should have loved you more and I should have come to you first not Harry. If you’ll let me I’d really like to try and make things up to you over the next few months.... try and be the father you deserve “ 

“ I would love that.... but that doesn’t mean you should stop doing things with Harry or think of him less. You need to balance it out because I do want to be a family and Harry’s apart of that family “ you mumbled 

A large grin spread across Sirius’s face. 

“ good good.... we’ll finally be a family “ he beamed before pulling you in for a side hug causing you to chuckle. 

You then pulled away and stood up, extending a hand to help Sirius up. 

“ I’m not that old “ he scoffed as he stood up on his own causing you to laugh. 

“ I better get to bed.... I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow “ you sighed, dreading all that was to come in the next year. He just nodded and began following you upstairs. 

Before you knew it you both stood outside of your rooms. 

“ Goodnight (y/n) “ 

“ Goodnight dad “ you said, shocking him slightly 

“ I love you “ he said sincerely 

“ I love you too “ and with that you went into your room. 

You made your way over to your bed and noticed George lying there half awake obviously waiting for you. 

“ well hello there “ you laughed as you grabbed your pajamas 

“ I figured I’d sneak in here and wait for you... to make sure you were okay and all “ he mumbled sleepily causing your heart to flutter 

You quickly changed, not caring if George saw or not considering he’d changed you a time or two when you were too drunk after a famous Gryffindor party to do it yourself. 

You sighed as you finally got into your bed, pulling the covers up as you moved closer to George. He got the hint and lifted his arm so you could move even closer and lay your head on his chest. He smiled at the sight of you cuddled up into him as he wrapped his arm around you. 

“ I was meant to go back to my room love “ he laughed 

“ I’ve decided that is in fact not allowed and that I will be holding you prisoner this evening... you make an excellent cuddle buddy Georgie “ He just laughed before pulling you closer. You sighed as you buried your head into his chest, inhaling his scent and finally feeling a moment of true peace and happiness. Soon the two of you drifted off to sleep, not a worry in your mind as the two of you found the utmost comfort in one another’s arms. 

[wincore]

act iii, incomplete | ten

pairing: ten x reader

summary: it’s the same vivid dream every time — you, a feline constellation that keeps smiling at you and a boy who won’t ever forgive you. autumn, spring and everything in between come to save part of that but the truth is this: no amount of time spent at your small town theatre with your once best friend is going to speak the words for you.

alternatively, 

best friends aren’t meant to be lovers and ten, despite the millions of roles he’s played, keeps trying for the one role he won’t ever get.

genre: childhood best friends to lovers, slight theatre au, reincarnation themes, fluff, angst

warnings: alcohol consumption, mentions of injuries, mentions of death

words: 23.9k

a/n: hello i’m so glad i actually completed this !!!!! i’ve never written something like this before !!! also longest fic let’s gooo ahaha special thank you to miss cat for reading this and making it at least infinity times better i am in indebted to u <3. playlist here.

part of the almost collab by @hyucksie !! (thank you for hosting this, it was lovely to be a part!!)

ACT I: HOMESICK

act i scene i. 

For the first time in years, you hold your breath at the local theatre, the walls more and more debilitated each year. It’s the only place, perhaps, that is so vibrant in its dull shades. The key is memories. Memories keep you alive in a way death and life and sickness cannot interfere. 

A single drum beat resounds through the theatre. A second one follows before a tune from a flute sets the mood. A voice speaks out, that of a woman, and it strikes you as somewhat sad. In that moment, you believe Ten would have pointed out to you that she is meant to do that, she is meant to play the part of someone sad. The curtains stare at you as undulating as a calm sea of red and you hold your breath. 

This is a modern play and you’ve only kept up with them for the sake of watching Ten play a part in them. As for other plays, high school Shakespeare was the most formidable text you’ve ever read and you’d rather not fight for your life again.

“Has the world ever seen a woman’s love unrivalled?”

A projector displays a flower, peonies, on the curtains.

“She once fell sick, dreaming of a lover; and once sick, she grew worse. Love is not love at its fullest if one is not willing to die for it.”

You don’t think that’s quite right. The curtains are drawn right then, their velvet sheen accentuated under the bright theatre lights and two characters appear on stage. 

Your first thought is that he’s grown far too much. The second is that he hasn’t changed much. Ten stands in the character of a play you haven’t finished reading yet, in clothes that accentuate his dancer’s figure and with the look of someone that isn’t him. You had tried to read  the play earlier but you might have gotten a little too excited to complete it. 

You bounce your legs in anticipation, the music and his voice fading out—it’s not like you can focus much with the high school kids giggling and making out in the seats right behind yours. You could always make a scene but it’s not like you to steal the spotlight away from your dearest friend. Besides, you need to reiterate through the list of things you have to help him catch up on since he’s been gone. Ten wouldn’t want to miss out on some spicy gossip. You chuckle to yourself, pressing your palms to your cheeks to cool yourself. 

Ten likes overwhelming responses. You like to be overwhelming. You’re the perfect pair. 

The play ends in a way you can’t tell if it was a tragedy or a comedy. You could have if you paid more attention but this isn’t literature class. You can do whatever you want now and you’re a little preoccupied with your own thoughts. Ten. Your best friend is back from Broadway after a year of barely talking. You can’t wait to hear the stories.

You get up as soon as the lights are on but when no one else does, you sit back down. The curtains part now and the cast comes on for their final bow. You shift around to see if Ten is looking at you, the older people beside you grunting in annoyance and muttering something about the youth. He’s not but Sicheng is and when you send a wink his way, he shakes his head.

You pout at the lack of attention but it’s time to make your way backstage now. The crowd is exiting and you need to get there before Ten leaves. 

Once outside, you make a beeline to the back of the theatre building and mess up Sicheng’s hair as he leaves for home. 

“He’s inside,” he informs curtly and makes as much distance possible between the two of you.

“Oh, don’t be shy, Sicheng,” you coo to annoy him. ��You performed so well. Not as good as Ten though.”

Sicheng rolls his eyes. “Were you even paying attention?”

You cross your arms and push him onto his track. He shrugs and you watch his figure disappear behind the corner before taking a deep breath. With anticipation, comes a little unrestrained droplet of anxiety. You shouldn’t be worried, you tell yourself. This is Ten, after all.

The crows sing a song to themselves under the purple evening sun and you feel annoyed at the sound. It’s a song for ghosts. You hate the sound of it. 

You rub your temples, trying to hush away the headache. You can’t wait to see Ten.

You swing the door open in an attempt to sneak up on him. However, you take a few moments to see him barefaced, the stage makeup washed off and a red undertone running through his nose and cheeks. That dark mop of hair sticks out every which way, and no attempt has been made to rectify it. It was once your job, actually. He rubs at his sleepy eyes, a yawn escaping his lips as he stuff his belongings into a worn-out satchel bag. You gave it to him when you skipped prom night. You smile. 

“Ten!” you yell at the top of your lungs. You’ve missed him so much—an old greeting should warm him up. This town started feeling more like home once you heard the news Ten’s back.

He looks at you so cold that you stop dead in your tracks. You freeze up, the words suddenly collapsing into themselves like wilting flowers. You don’t recognize Ten all of a sudden. He wears a deep frown and empty eyes, something you cannot understand no matter what angle you look from. Everything’s changed now, hasn’t it? You truly understand what that means when you meet his eyes.

“Ten,” you repeat at a more respectable volume. “Hey. I… I missed—”

“Hey,” he responds a little too quickly. Eyes less sharp than usual, he averts his gaze. “I- I need to get home early.”

Ten grabs his bag and leaves the room, his shoulder brushing against yours. You stand there for a few extra moments, breaths shallow and quiet. When you regain the sound of your heartbeat, you leave the practice room, throat dry and a frustrated sigh on your lips. Consequences, every time it’s the consequences biting back.

The crows’ song goes unheard.

act i scene ii.

“So… you want me to get Ten to talk to you?” 

Sicheng looks at you in disbelief, the ice cream in his hand starting to melt. You’ve never met anyone who enjoys ice cream in mid-autumn as much as he does. Sore throats are foreign to him.

You nod, crossing your arms. “I don’t know why he’s avoiding me.”

Sicheng scoffs, choking on the ice cream and taking a few moments to regain his composure. 

“Thanks,” he says when you rub his back in pity. “But… you really don’t know why he’s avoiding you?”

You shake your head. It’s a lie. But the only thing you can think of is the summer he left, when he confessed his feelings and you rejected him after a few seconds of contemplation. You had good reason. You just can’t tell him that. You’re still young and there’s so much to look forward to.

"You obviously have feelings for him!"

"Yeah, anger! Why would he just ignore me like that? We've been friends for, uh…"

"Stop counting, you suck at math."

You punch his shoulder and his ice cream almost falls off. He looks at you with a glare so strong, you have to take a step back.

“Sorry,” you mumble. “I thought we were like any other pair of best friends.”

Sicheng snorts. “Yeah, best friends in love with each other. Didn't you suggest getting married once?”

“As a joke,” you interject, feeling heat on your cheeks. “Actually, do you know how useful a marriage of convenience is? It's got convenience in the name. Think of all the tax benefits.”

Sicheng rolls his eyes. “The way you looked at each other wasn’t a joke—you know what? I’m not going to be the supporting act to your whole romance charade. You figure this out.”

You pout. “So you’re saying you won’t help?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. You won’t know if I did.”

You furrow your eyebrows, groaning in exasperation. This was supposed to be a happy reunion and yet, you’re here moping to a theatre kid, hoping he helps you. You expected Ten to not take it well but right now, you wish you weren’t so blunt. You could have said it nicer.

You’re joking, right? Haha, nice one. Best friends don't fall in love.

Oh, this is all your fault. You knew him better than anyone else. You should’ve known the consequences too—you could scream right now. In your defense, you thought college made him lose a few brain cells. You still have to make it right. 

“Fine. Whatever you might do, better do it soon.”

Sicheng shrugs, turning back to his ice cream and browsing lazily through one of the magazines. He’s supposed to be watching the store—he gets paid for it but he couldn’t care less about this place. Sicheng is something of a theatrical actor too, traveling around and performing with his theatre group. He never cared for Broadway as much as Ten did.

However, you’re all here now. This autumn is going to be spent with your best friends no matter the cost. You smile as you think of the time you and Ten surprised Sicheng with a whole bag of ice cream and he cried although most of it ended up melting. Sicheng raises an eyebrow at your expression but doesn't question.

“There’s a reunion party by the woods,” he announces. “Next week. Saturday. You have to make up before that. You know they’re going to be brutal.”

You shudder. Your classmates certainly won’t let go of the idea of your relationship with Ten. Teasing aside, they’re going to be making either one of you uncomfortable. All your excitement drains itself. Your shoulders slump and you think that perhaps, asking for forgiveness would be a better out. You recover quickly though. This has to work out, Ten has to be your best friend again—what choice do you have? You missed him and you’re going to let him know.

//

The first attempt begins right in the evening. Sicheng texts Ten after his shift, asking him to get some snacks. Lucky for you, you work at the local snack store, also called the convenience store. There’s nowhere better to get snacks. There’s also nowhere else to get snacks.

You stand behind the counter, fiddling with the drawstrings of your hoodie while your eyes trail to the hands of the clock on the wall. Sicheng texted him half an hour ago. Ten might not be the most punctual but you know he listens to Sicheng, even if it’s reluctantly.

Your impatience gets the better of you and you leave the counter to peer out the glass door. Unfortunately, someone pushes open the door right then and you clutch your nose, eyes watering at the painful impact. 

Ten looks petrified for a moment before turning around and leaving. You furrow your eyebrows, tears brimming from the pain in your nose and mixing into the exasperation from getting so bluntly ignored. Come on, Ten. You curse on your way back to the lonely counter. There goes the only thing you were looking forward to this evening. Sicheng walks in a while later, a sour look on his face.

“He actually gave me a mouthful,” he mutters angrily. “Can you believe that? Me. Who’s listened to all his lovesick ramblings about y—theatre.” 

You slump onto the counter further, the bright orange background of the store more headache-inducing than optimistic. 

“God, this is so much more difficult than I expected.”

“What happened between the two of you anyway? I thought you promised to call him every day.”

“I tried, okay? He wouldn’t pick up.”

Sicheng raises an eyebrow. “Woah. Haven’t heard about that one.”

He places the single pack of Lays onto the counter. You get up to pull the chocolate ice cream from the cooler.

“Don’t bother. It’s so depressing getting shut out like this.”

Sicheng mutters something under his breath you don’t quite catch. It’s his complaining voice though, so you don’t question him. 

“He’s going to be at the Bridge tomorrow,” Sicheng notifies. “Something about getting fresh early morning air. Now, there’s no way you can run into him and call it coincidence. So don’t do that.”

You cross your arms. “So what do you suggest I do?”

“I mean, if you’re accompanying Mr. Yang to the dahlia fields for flower shop business… that’s a different story.”

Your eyes brighten and you sit up. “You’re a genius!”

“I’ve been telling you guys since—”

You hug him and he chokes, almost dropping the Lays pack. The door opens and you hurriedly wave at Yangyang, who’s here for the next shift before running out the door in a hurricane of bad decisions and good intentions.

“I hate being the middleman,” Sicheng mutters to Yangyang who offers him a pitiful look. The evening returns to its pink skies and you race your feelings to your destination.

//

“Mr. Yang,” you whine. “You don’t need a single dahlia? I’m offering to help.”

The older man scratches his spotless white beard and looks at you in confusion. “I gathered a whole cartload just three days ago. There’s no way I need more. You know this place—no one buys flowers anymore.”

“I’ll buy them! A whole cartload.”

“And where will you get the money, child?”

“Uh.”

Mr. Yang shakes his head at your immaturity. “If you’re so eager, get me some chrysanthemums from Mrs. Leong’s sh—”

“No. It has to be from the other side of the Bridge,” you interject. 

Mr. Yang is further perplexed but you’re glad he doesn’t ask further. Having to explain your love and friendship troubles to a senior citizen has never been an ideal situation. You make a face at the thought.

“Alright,” he says and takes a few moments to ponder. “You want an errand to run, right? Could you get me some sunflower seeds from Goodwin Park?”

“That far?”

He sighs. “Do you want to go or not?”

You nod reluctantly, checking your phone to see the time. It’s early as fuck and the only person you’d wake up this early for doesn’t even know you’re doing all this.

“It’s to feed the birds, isn’t it?” You raise an eyebrow. 

Mr Yang nods.

“You know, you don’t have to do all that to get Mrs. Leong to notice you.” You offer him a cheeky grin.

“I’m assuming it’s also a person you’re doing all of this for,” he hums in reply.  

You drop your grin and take the errand money, heat rising in your cheeks. Exiting quickly, you check the time again. Ten better not have left early.

Shortcuts are better when there’s someone with you, you decide. You have gained around five long scratches at five different places on your body trying to best the hill beside Maple Street in order to get to the Bridge faster. If Ten were here, he'd laugh at you for being so graceless. 

The Bridge is empty when you arrive and you sigh deeply. You’re not sure if you’re early or he’s late or you’re astronomically late. The grass is still a golden green in colour, for autumn never truly comes in when you’re expecting it. The little stream below the Bridge is almost dried up but the wooden structure stays. You remember Sicheng broke his leg once, trying to catch Ten’s family cat pawing at fish in the stream when it used to be fuller.

You greet Mr. Santello at his garden and buy the sunflower seeds. Your errand is complete but the rising agitation in your chest makes you kick a rock on the way back to the Bridge. This side of the town is bleak except for the garden and the only fun you’ve had here is when a beehive dropped on Yukhei’s head (he poked at it himself with no provocation from your side whatsoever). The scenery is much prettier with someone to appreciate it. You, on the other hand, cannot wait to leave this town. You walk back with certain memories playing in your head, the smell of nostalgia rising with the sun. You’ve always hated early mornings; but you did have fun in them when you had to wake up for school trips. You hold your breath, stopping right before the beginning of the Bridge.

Ten leans against the wooden rails of the Bridge, Starmill Bridge, with eyes gently closed and white earphones plugged in. You smile to yourself. When the sunlight draws across his cheeks, he seems brighter than golden skies and softer than late afternoon clouds. You see the boy from your childhood, messy unbrushed hair and his favourite grey sweater. He’s so full of colour. You wouldn’t mind staring at him for as long as you can.

You take a step and your hoodie catches onto a stray nail, making you stumble onto the wooden floor of the Bridge. You look at your scattered boxes of sunflower seeds with horror but not before finding Ten plucking out his earphone to look at you. He’s so pretty even in a daze.

“Hi?” you offer. “I was on an errand, promise. Not stalking you and trying to get you to talk to me or anything. Hah.”

Ten shakes his head at you and quietly stares for a few more moments.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” he answers finally. “Stop trying.”

You look at him with a flickering guilt though you’re not sure why. He sighs and walks toward you, frowning. He takes out the cloth of your hoodie stuck in the nail with tentative care. Gathering the boxes of sunflower seeds scattered on the floor, he glances at you once before getting up.

You grab his hand before he can walk away again. 

“Ten,” you say, your voice coming off more pitiful than you would like. 

He turns back at you with lips pursed and a sorrowful look in his eyes. 

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I need to work some things out.”

Ten leaves you hanging for a third time in your life and you pull yourself together enough to stand up. You can’t imagine—you don’t want to imagine how much longer this’ll go on. Ten used to be an amenable boy; it shouldn’t be taking this long.

Somewhere the wind comes tumbling in, whispering the words that everything has changed and everything is still changing.

//

The third and last attempt is outside his house. Ten’s mother is bound to notice you at some point, right? Considering you’re camping out like a homeless man from the nearby gas station, that is. You hope she’s out for grocery shopping and you can just pretend you were on your way home and ‘accidentally’ bumped into her. Being the kind soul she is, she’s going to invite you to dinner since it’s late already. And where else can you spend your time while she cooks but in Ten’s room? It’s perfect and there’s no way he can avoid this.

“(name)!” Ten’s sister yells in glee. 

“Tern!” You smile at her.

“Mom’s sending me for grocery shopping. Do you wanna come help?”

You want to go inside the house but patience is quite possibly a virtue. You haven’t tried it out yet. 

“Sure.” You grin. “I’ve got time to kill.”

So, you are aware that Ten’s sister tends to shoot off at the mouth with the right person but you somehow cannot get her to talk about Ten. Apart from his life in New York, that is, which you had hoped to hear from him. 

“So… how come you’re not in our house already? No offense, it’s just you and Ten… you know.” She looks at you with an inquisitive quirk of her eyebrow. 

Ten must be a really good actor. Not like you ever doubted him but for his sister to be so blissfully unaware, he must have put on quite the show. Either that, or he really has forgotten you. You try not to feed fire to that thought.

“Uh, you know, been busy with the snack shack. We’re redecorating. Mr. Kim is going to boil me alive if I slack off.”

She giggles at your expression. “I heard it from Yangyang. He said the redecorations are ugly though.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Ten let you talk to Yangyang? A boy?”

She crosses her arms with a disbelieving laugh. “He can’t tell me how to live. Besides, he doesn’t care.”

You laugh. “Right. You have no idea how overprotective he can actually be. Older brother instincts or whatever.”

She suppresses a laugh. “And you must be facing the boyfriend instincts.”

You stammer out a response but it doesn’t make any sense. It’s alright to get laughed at, you suppose, if Tern is in fits beside you.

The rest of the conversation is about things less important. It would be rude to not engage though so you talk with enthusiasm all the way back. Part of you sees Ten in his sister. How terrible of you to see someone else in a person right beside you.

“(name)!” 

Ten’s mother looks pleasantly surprised. 

“Good evening, ma’am!” You curtsy in an exaggerated manner, and she laughs, patting your arm. 

“How come it took you so long to visit? You hardly ever came over these few years, and I’m a little upset about that by the way, but I thought for sure, you’d be in the house the day Ten came back.”

You scratch the back of your head sheepishly. “You know. Work and stuff. Mr Kim is redecorating the store.”

She exhales in annoyance. “Is that man exploiting you children again?”

“I’m—uh… I’m an adult—”

“Hush,” she instructs, voice strict and you zip your mouth immediately. Never question a mother’s statement.

“Ten’s in his room, by the way. Should I call him?” she asks, after a minute of complaining about Mr. Kim, which you would have loved to join but there are other matters at hand. She has all the gossip in town and yet, she’s somehow blissfully unaware of the silence between her son and his best friend. Are you not as important? It makes you pout but you quickly neutralize your expression.

“Ten!” she shouts when you don’t respond, a little lost in your own thoughts.

“Uh—oh no, you don’t have to do that!” you say quickly. “I’ll just go to his room.”

You hurry up the stairs, just in time for Ten to open his bedroom door and jump back in fright.

“Oh my fucking god,” he mutters, like the soul has been kicked straight out of his body. In any other situation, you would’ve loved to give him a scare.

You walk into the bedroom and lock the door behind you. 

“Ten. We need to talk.”

“I don’t wanna talk,” he says, furrowing his eyebrows. You notice the change in his features—his hair has grown out, his face is more chiseled and he has an angry quirk to his brows. “I told you I need some space. You never know how to listen, fuck.”

His voice is a low whisper, in the short space between you. You don’t move from your spot, with your back against the wall and feet nervous. You shift from foot to foot and look him in the eye before looking away. You’ve never felt this way around him. You’ve never actually pissed him off this bad. You don’t know what to do.

“Just leave. God. I can’t believe you think you can just walk in!”

You frown at his words. “Ten. I just wanted to talk to you again. We’re friends—”

“How does it matter if we are? Everything’s changed. This whole place has changed. I’ve changed.” 

“But… that doesn’t mean we have to pretend we’re strangers—”

“Leave. Please.”

His voice is so low and odd that you don’t recognize it anymore. You sigh. You can’t convince him when he’s so defensive. You open the door to his bedroom to find Ten’s mom and sister in the hallway trying very hard to pretend they weren’t eavesdropping. You offer them a sad smile and thank his mother for the dinner before taking your leave. You feel too ridiculous to cry.

How do people put in all that effort in romantic comedies? You don't even know where to start. Maybe you should follow the King's advice from Alice in Wonderland. 

Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop.

No. No, you can't be thinking of ending scenes right now. There's a much bigger problem at hand. Saturday. You better brace yourself for the unpredictability of former prom queens and class presidents, and the predictability of this small town that never changes. 

act i scene iii.

High school reunion parties here aren’t exactly mawkish affairs. There’s alcohol, people who are meant to be adults but haven’t quite grown into it yet, the looming woods, and more alcohol. There's no room for sentimentalism when your former classmates, seniors and juniors—those who could be here, at least—are back together and it feels like nothing has changed at all. However, college-age boys always pose problems. 

“Look, if Johnny can do it, so can I,” Yukhei tells you. 

Johnny smacks his shoulder encouragingly, and a few of your friends giggle at the two lanky men, looking like they’ve discovered something priceless beside the campfire light.

“This beer tastes like crap,” you mutter before returning to a regular volume. “But go ahead and try chugging two bottles in under a minute if you want.”

Your backhanded statement backfires almost immediately because he does exactly as you said. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you try not to peek at Ten, sitting beside Johnny and looking rather sleepy. It’s the bedhead, you think to yourself. It’s cute.

“Alright, who’s next?” Yukhei asks, voice booming enthusiastically. 

Yeri sighs beside you, tired from the late night and not so much from the alcohol. Speaking of which, the alcohol table is somehow still stocked and Sicheng stands beside it, looking sour from being forced into guard duty. 

“Tell him to pipe down,” Yeri mutters, pressing her forehead against your shoulder and you look at her apologetically. 

“(name) hasn’t answered anything yet!” Sooyoung pipes up and you shoot her a look she ignores. “Neither has Ten, by the way.”

A bunch of “ooh”s pass through the crowd of roughly twenty people, and you would bury your face in your hands were it not for that stubborn pride of yours. 

Truth or dare is quite possibly the worst game in the history of mankind. Ten looks somewhat flustered under the attention but he just sighs. 

“Get it over with.” He looks at Yukhei expectantly.

“Kiss (name)!”

Your heart drops and you glare at Yukhei. You should have expected it. There is no one more unimaginative than drunk boys. His cheeks are flushed when he grins at you, encouraging you with a thumbs up gesture. 

“He doesn’t have to do that.” You cross your arms. “Consent is important even in fun and games.”

The sentence is so didactic of you but you hope the seriousness in your voice makes him back off.

“But you guys are, like, in love with each other,” Yangyang blurts before covering mouth as if he said something scandalous.

A bunch of chuckles follow, though Johnny shows some concern towards Ten. You remember why you hate high school reunions now. Apart from the fact that almost everyone gets to tell their stories of big cities and big dreams they get to live in, everyone turns into a child again when at a reunion. Perhaps it’s the burst of memories or the vivid glow of old connections returning but you can’t stand childishness. Even if you’re the one to act like a child sometimes.

“I’m gonna go drink,” you say. “That’s the punishment, right? I’m not playing anymore.”

Yukhei groans. “Come on, (name). You wouldn’t be such a bore.”

“I would,” you snap and get up from your seat, Yeri muttering in annoyance before leaning onto Sooyoung’s shoulder.

Ten is glowing in the cheeks, you find when you look at him. He meets your eyes once and looks away, playing with his fingers. 

You pour yourself some beer into a cup and lift it up to show to Yukhei before striding off to a place farther than the warmth of people and the campfire. The giant log is a nice enough seat by the edge of the woods. It is cold and mossy though, and you hug yourself, sticking your hands into the pockets of your cardigan.

The sound of footsteps over dried leaves catch your attention and you look up. Ten takes a seat beside you in silence. You move the cup of beer so that it doesn’t spill from any sudden movement. It’s quiet for even longer, your pulse the only rhythm to follow.

"Ten." You smile, looking away from him and into the ceaseless stretch of woods. He hums in response, as though a habit yet to get rid of. It makes you bite down your lip to prevent the smile from turning into something sadder.

You miss him. You miss the years you spent with him. You're drawn into him, into something old, familiar and safe. 

No one can save you when you’re homesick. 

However, you do not give up easily. What is broken can be mended with enough love and care.

Ten sighs, taking the cup from you right before it touches your lips. "Don't drink that. You hate the taste and it makes you go crazy."

You pout, but can't really find something snarky enough to say. Not when he looks like that—with dry, still-red lips and tired, apologetic eyes.

“Your forehead is so oily,” you mutter.

Ten looks at you, furrowing his eyebrows. He proceeds to hesitantly wipe at his forehead with the sleeve of his sweatshirt before shaking himself out of it. Instead he just glares at you.

“It’s not oilier than your nose,” he shoots, annoyed. 

“At least my nose isn’t titan-sized.”

“My nose is perfect. Do you- do you know how many people fall in love with my perfect nose every day?”

You laugh, covering your face. His features soften and he returns his gaze to the comfort of the endless forest. It does have an end, at the fences by the railway tracks but in believing that something can be infinite, you find comfort. 

"New York treated you well. Too well. But then again, you were always a narcissist."

You smile smugly at him and he gives you an unamused look.

"I'm… I'm glad we're talking," you offer after a few moments of unacknowledged silence.

He tenses ever so slightly, running a hand through his already messy hair and looks at you. He looks away again as if in an internal debate.

“You rejected me, (name),” he says, exasperated. “How do I recover from that? Don’t answer. It was so embarrassing.”

You close your mouth. If only you could tell him the truth. You had to reject him or your sentimental boy would never leave for acting opportunities. He doesn’t have to know that. You’re fine with loving him quietly. You’re fine with loving him quietly.

But the truth is, it’s too scary to think about. You’ve been refusing to look at your feelings for a long time now. It’s only a cliche; it doesn't happen in real life. You’re too good of friends to be in love. Isn’t that right? It certainly couldn't have been you to fall in love with Ten. There were a million other people to do that in your stead. You feel shy all of a sudden.

“That was pretty embarrassing,” you mumble, pressing down your smile and he rolls his eyes.

After a few moments in silence, a sigh escapes his lips. “I’ve had enough time for closure though. I can’t believe I actually said that. Oh, the over-sentimentalism. Yikes.”

He makes a disgusted face.

You giggle. “I can’t believe it either. You do look cute blushing, by the way. You find any lover in the big, scary city? Any rebound?” 

Ten rolls his eyes. “Too busy. And are you going to tease me forever about this thing?”

You laugh. “That’s the Ten I know. You’re always working. Sometimes you should have fun.” 

“I have plenty of fun. You’re the one that used to cry at birthday parties.”

“I was six years old and it was one time, holy shit.”

The two of you break into laughter. The cold makes you draw nearer to him.

“Hey, wanna go to the mall this weekend?” you suggest.

“Wait, it’s still there? Wasn’t it supposed to get knocked down?”

“Yeah but the townsfolk didn’t want that so they delayed it. There’s, like, barely any employees though. It’s like a ghost mansion at night.”

Ten makes a face. “The afternoons there were so bright, like, there was so much sunlight, remember? I remember you always drinking my banana milk at the food plaza.”

You laugh. “I miss skipping class to go there. Now there aren’t any classes to skip.”

“Oh my god, remember when Mr. Wilson actually caught us?”

You laugh louder. “We had to pretend we weren’t his students. Which was futile acting because he knows every student.” 

Ten sighs. 

“I missed you. God, I’m so fucking sorry—I was in over my head. I thought I ruined everything.”

“Hey.” You scoot closer, wrapping your arms around him. “I missed you too. Besides, it’s not you if you’re not being a bit of a drama queen.”

Ten elbows you in the side at the comment and you yelp, moving away and glaring at him in response. 

“Just because I’m in theatre doesn’t mean I’m a drama queen.” He mocks the tone of your voice and you giggle.

“So any special Broadway stories you have in mind? I wanna hear something funny.” You rest your head on his shoulder comfortably.

"Well, one time this actress' dress caught on fire—"

"That's not funny, that's horrifying."

Ten purses his lips. “Okay. Uh… I got told to fuck off by an eighty year old man in drag after I threw raw steak at his window?”

You snort, eyes widening and Ten throws up his hands in exasperation. "How is that remotely funny?"

"I'm pretty sure that's as funny as it gets with you."

"I can't believe you're pretending I didn't carry our sense of humour on my back for all of middle school and high school."

“I missed you," you say quietly, and he flusters, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

You sigh, inching closer. "Yes. I did miss you, you know? I called."

"And I didn't pick up. I know. I'm sorry."

"I think you've apologized to me more times now than you have in our first twenty years of friendship."

Ten rolls his eyes. "And I mean it. It's not the 'sorry I ate your cookies' apology."

"I fucking knew you were the one eating stuff from my bag back in high school."

Ten presses his lips, making a zipping motion and you push him in exasperation. The two of you laugh, loud and clear, before Johnny's voice comes in, telling the two of you to "stop fooling around near the woods" and that it's "unhygienic".

Seasons change but people don't. You walk home with Ten for the first time in a year and suddenly, you’re in love with the idea that things can just lie in complete peace once they fall back into what was always meant to be. Perhaps it’s the writer’s utopia, but you think it’s much more meaningful this way. Ten's hoodie smells just like home.

prologue.

It was a sunlit morning when you first met Ten, but it was only a sunlit morning. There were no birds chirping or faceless adults on that sidewalk or even your friends because you don’t recall them. You recall a child with two very important teeth missing and your sudden urge to run to his side. You’d pulled his cheek with a huge grin on your face because, and you still stand by this, they were too cute and plump and red to resist.

You were three and a half years old when you met Ten and you parted when you were twenty. One year later, you're back to linking arms, joking about each other and talking about life as though it's a passing stream. 

You were six years old when you cried at Ten's birthday party because no one was talking to him. It gave you an evening's worth of attention and a huge smile on Ten's face. You still think kids are mean as hell but they care for things like they have never cared before. 

You were eleven years old when you started to lose a little bit of touch with yourself. You talked less, you looked at people more. Ten's face was still the most comforting out of all. He said he liked to listen no matter how annoying you sound. Somehow, by the time sixth grade was over, when you were almost twelve—you talked at least twice as much. 

You were fourteen years old when you dated a boy out of curiosity and left on an awkward note when he moved away. You weren't sad for some reason. The idea of life passing meaninglessly by was engraved into you, like the waves that carve the beach. Ten was distant the whole time, with a scowl and more sarcastic remarks than usual, only warming up when you showed up at his door with a homemade cake. It tasted horrible and had the texture of a mossy pebble but you laughed over it anyway. Suddenly, life wasn't meandering but a river full of vigor in spring, beside a garden of fresh crested irises. 

You were sixteen when you were pushed to audition in a play by your best friend. The play was about life and death and love, and it didn’t make sense to you the way it did to him. You had good fun backstage with the costumes and the makeup, and it was all that mattered to you. However, some part of you didn't like it, hated it even when he kissed the female lead of the play with eyes full of adoration. You looked on as Villager B and you hated every part of it.

When you were eighteen turning nineteen, you decided to save up for college. It would take time—years perhaps but you would get there. You would get an apartment with Ten in New York City or any city full of bustling, busy life and you would tend to your rooftop garden. Small town dreams, however, die and they die and they’re buried in unloved, unplanted soil. 

You finally understood what your tenth grade English teacher meant when she said everything is theatre. 

The night he left, you had a nightmare. It was a play and you were the protagonist. You couldn’t make it in time for the night of the performance, anxious and afraid as you arrived. You’d been replaced. You hated to see him on stage with someone else. You hated it. You hated it. You hated it so much. 

Of course, you knew it would be a showstopper the moment that fight broke out between you and your replacement. You were cruel in that dream—almost as if you were someone else. But you felt comfortable in that skin, like you were meant to play that part after all. As if you were the villain all along and not the sweetheart of the show. You felt comfortable and it scared you so much that you woke in cold sweat and cried for an hour straight.

It hurt how lonely you felt. It hurt without Ten and you hate that you let him go. Something took shape inside the cavity of your chest, the shape of a weed sprouting in the pulsing garden of life—you won’t make the same mistake again. You’re going to hold on with all your might, till your hands ache and till your heart has had enough. 

ACT II: YOUTH 

 act ii scene i.

“Have you ever actually shoplifted in your life?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Ten tries to suppress his smile and fails, moving so that his back covers you from view instead. A conversation about New York subways led to a conversation about anarchy which led to… this. You’ve been trying to swipe the butterfly pin from the display for the past half an hour. You weren’t actually going to steal it—you just need to prove you can.

The mall is always eerily empty. It shouldn’t be this big of a hassle. Ah yes, apart from the fact that the souvenir shop has stationed the most number of employees for some goddamn reason. You’re not even sure why it’s there; a souvenir shop for your town might as well be a forgotten relic.

“What? No,” he says quickly. “I’m not doing that. Causing trouble is your thing.”

You snort. “Right. Because everything we got into trouble for was done completely by me.”

“That’s actually true.”

You elbow him, giving him your most offended look.

“You can’t be serious about never causing trouble. You broke Mrs. Leung’s famous ruler, remember? And you always stole your mom’s Halloween cupcakes. Those were for all of the theatre crew, by the way.”

“That doesn’t sound right, darling.”

When you look up at him with eyebrows furrowed in annoyance, you find him smiling in somewhat tranquil thought. It has been rather long. 

“Yeah, I helped you way too much,” you respond, distastefully. 

The two of you straighten at the cashier’s call. Responding that everything’s fine, Ten turns to you with a pointed look.

“If you’re going to do it, better do it before she gets suspicious.”

The hint in his eyes reminds you that he is indeed the devil you know, and you quickly pocket the little butterfly hairpin. This is not ethical in any way and even so, you feel the childish exhilaration. This is to prove a point to your dear friend.

“See?” you whisper to him, exiting the shop. “I could totally pull this off.”

“Not if I start screaming ‘thief!’”

“Did you ever get to play a villain at Broadway? It’s closest to your personality,” you jab.

He sends you a sardonic smile before sticking his tongue out. You should always beware a childish man and his childish smile. You never know if he’ll take you seriously. Ten is the absolute worst and you love him all the more for it.

“Are you actually not gonna pay for it?” he asks, tilting his head. 

“And let all those proceeds go to our corrupt overlord mayor? Nuh-uh.”

Ten laughs. “We should go vandalize his campaign posters again.”

The mayor has had, you don’t know how many, little scandals accusing him of embezzlement and every time, he’s escaped easy as pie. All the things you can do with money and you decide to hoard more money; you will never understand people like him. Besides, you won’t have to worry about that any time soon.

“See? You’re the troublemaker. I can’t even vandalize good enough.”

“It’s not my fault you have zero artistic talent.”

You place your hands on your hips. “I’m sorry? I’m pretty sure I taught you how to paint.”

Ten rolls his eyes, a sneaky smile on his lips. “Yeah. You taught the whole class how to paint when you smacked Mr. Cheng with that paintbrush.”

You can’t help the laugh that comes to you, despite trying your best to hold a serious expression.

“You’re a disaster,” he adds, staring incredulously at your fit of laughter. 

You look at him and start laughing again.

“Oh my god, what’s so funny? I wasn’t even trying to be funny.”

“Okay, emo boy,” you say, finally straightening and messing his hair.

“I was going to get a haircut.”

“Don’t. You look pretty.”

Ten hums, raising an eyebrow. “But I wanna look hot.”

“That’s going to take a lot of effort.”

Ten grabs you in a chokehold, messing your hair with his hands in the most obnoxious way possible. Finally able to loosen his grip on you, you look at him with your most fearsome glare. He has to stop treating you so gracelessly.

It’s not unusual for him to behave this way; in fact, you welcome it when he’s warm and much lovelier than the usual. But something feels amiss, something dangerous like the passage of time. 

“Ten?”

“Yes?”

“I thought you’d be talking much more about New York instead of our boring old town.”

He hums, eyes scanning the vicinity of the mall’s first floor. There’s an ice cream shop opposite to the souvenir shop, unvisited due its lack of variety in flavours, and a spacious marble floor with most of the shops closed for renovation. The other two floors are closed off completely but you’re sure that with enough effort, you could sneak in. The glass ceiling at the centre allows for sunlight to wash in as gentle waves, settling on your heads like golden crowns. There are little potted plants lining the walls to make the mall space look less dilapidated but it gives off the same effect as that of something abandoned, left alone and waiting. 

“You want me to brag about it?” He addresses you with a slightly cocky grin.

You roll your eyes. “Never mind.”

The mayor wanted to turn this place into some sort of religious campus but you detest the idea of that man getting his way. He’s the very same man to reprimand little girls for their outfits and to say “dancing is not manly” so you do owe his nauseating sexism for your distaste for him. That, and he has absolutely no sense of aesthetics. You would die before you let him remove the gardens or the livelier buildings blessed with the only colours you can bear to look at. 

“Hey, (name)?”

“Yeah?”

“I think Angry Cashier is making her way towards you.”

You snap your head to the souvenir shop and the cashier is indeed eyeing you suspiciously. You reach to pat your pocket but you’re stopped by Ten.

“You are, by far, the stupidest thief I’ve ever known.”

You puff your cheeks in annoyance, crossing your arms instead. Just when you think the cashier is going to call you out, the two of you sprint over to the mall exit with a plausible enough speed.

“We didn’t have to run, you know?” Ten complains as soon as you’re out and a street or two away. 

“What’s the fun in committing a crime if we don’t get to run?”

“I don’t know, it could be a brain exercise—oh wait. You don’t have one.”

You stick your tongue out at him, walking faster to get away from him.

“Hey!”

He jogs up to you, eyebrows furrowed and ready to spit some sass at you, no doubt.

“I thought you’d be more athletic. Dancing and all.”

“Yeah, no.”

You fix the hair in front of his eyes as he leans over on his knees, a look in his eyes as though caught off guard. They’re a lovely shade of honey, his eyes. They look at you with emotions you can't quite fathom and with the innocence of a love borne between friends who have been forced to endure the mediocrity of this town together. It’s a good reason, you believe, to be friends. Friends are meant to help each other, to save each other and to be there at the lowest. You can check all the boxes. It might have been a while but you’re friends and friends that grow up together stay together. The idea is naive but you cannot possibly look into a future without Ten. There must be a reason behind everything that is given to you. Even right now, as the silence starts to nip at you, you believe you were meant to make full circle. Fate is a funny thing and you wouldn’t believe in it ever, even for a surprise twenty dollar bill vending machine miracle, but it’s comforting enough to let settle on the two of you. 

The lead actors go hand in hand.

“Are you going to keep staring at me? I know I’m tragically beautiful—”

“No, you’re beautifully tragic. Your face, that is.”

“I stopped listening after beautiful, so I believe you agreed with me there.”

You roll your eyes. 

“You and your unyielding confidence can go fuck itself. I’ve seen you cry over a cat movie.”

Ten sputters out a response. “But- but Garfield saved that dog despite every fiber of his being telling him not to. He could’ve lived a happy, peaceful life but he saved him. How is that not incredibly touching?”

“You’re weird. Garfield’s cute though.”

“Like me.”

You wrinkle your nose. “What are we, twelve?”

“I was having my rebellious punk phase then, so no. I would never have said that when I was twelve.”

You laugh. “God, you looked so funny back then.”

“I thought we agreed to not bring up stuff from our teenage years.”

You press your lips together in an attempt to stop the laugh but a tiny giggle comes out anyway. The sun is going to set in an hour. You better make use of your time.

“Ready to go vandalize some posters?” you ask, grinning.

“You know what? I have a better idea. We should go pick some flowers.”

You blink at him. “That’s not remotely punk or rebellious.”

“Shh. You like picking flowers. Remember how we used to joke you should be hired at weddings instead of the flower girls?”

You make a face. “Why on earth would I fling flowers in the air at weddings? That’s not even a respectable job.”

“It suits you.”

“We should be kinder to our arboreal friends.” You cross your arms. “I’d rather tend to a garden than pick flowers for stupid occasions.”

“Tree-hugger.”

You pull up your middle finger and he laughs, fixing his hair right back into the messy waves.

“Why do you hate weddings?” he asks all of a sudden.

“Oh, you know. Icky stuff.”

“No one’s having sex at the wedding.”

“That’s not what I meant by icky stuff. It’s that gross feeling in the air. What’s it called?”

“Love?”

“Please, there’s hardly any love at weddings. It’s all pretend.”

Ten rolls his eyes, chuckling. “You think all the brides and bridegrooms in the world are pretending at their own weddings?”

“If you say it like that…” You grumble. “I don’t believe you need to celebrate love, that’s all. It’s always there, you know?”

You look up to see Ten pressing his fist to his mouth to keep himself from laughing and scoff in disbelief.

“What’s so funny? Seriously, stop laughing—oh for fuck’s sake.”

Soon enough, Ten is crouching by the sidewalk in a fit of laughter which causes a hot flush rising over your neck. You weren’t trying to be cheesy. Now, your best friend is hellbent on making you feel embarrassed. 

“It wasn’t that cringe. Come on. Get up, asshole.”

“You were- you were just so—” He takes a moment to catch his breath, a few short laughs erupting from him nonetheless. “You looked so serious when you said that.”

Your face is hot enough for you to look away now. “Whatever,” you mumble.

“It was cute. You looked really cute,” he continues, somewhat sobered up. “And brave. You always say things with so much confidence that it’s brave. I’m glad you are the way you are.”

You look at him, slightly dazed before your cheeks puff up to prevent yourself from laughing.

“I regret saying that. You are the big, hideous regret of my life.”

“I thought I was cute?” Your snickers turn into laughter again.

“Fuck off.”

“Thanks, Ten. You’re really good to me.”

Ten shakes his head before walking away, leaving you to call after him in phrases of ‘wait up!’ and ‘when did you get so fast?’ as you try to catch up. You sometimes wonder if he likes being chased. You reach the busiest crossing in this town, with about four cars waiting at the stop sign. You’re not sure why anyone follows the traffic rules if there isn’t even any traffic.

Looking up, you gasp at the moon peeking over a still young sky. You're suddenly reminded of those afternoon naps you had in Ten’s room, the both of you fascinated by the idea of waking up and seeing the sky a whole different colour. The idea that time changes everything was still fresh in your minds then, the impact gentle if not loving. It’s quite late you found that time can steal just as much as it gives.

“Remember when we dyed your hair red?”

“I will, and I shit you not, physically assault you for saying anything about that.”

You laugh at the memory of his awkward hairdo. “No, the other time. When we were seventeen.”

“Oh yeah, I received like eight love letters for that.”

“No, you didn’t.”

He did look pretty, and just in time for Valentine’s day’s theme of red roses and nauseating pink hearts.

“I have proof.” Ten leans his elbow against the street lamp, missing it completely and stumbling backwards till he regains his balance. He gives you an impish smile, running a hand through his hair and breathing out. 

You roll your eyes, ignoring his words. “I think we never took pictures of that.”

“So… what are you suggesting?”

“One good picture,” you answer, pulling out your phone and taking a picture of him off guard. Looking at it, you pout. It’s so unfair that he gets to look nice even in a hazy evening picture. 

Ten rolls his eyes, snatching your phone. “Let me show you how to take good pictures. Not whatever crap you have going on.”

You cross your arms, huffing but agree nonetheless when he forces you to pose by the street light. He blabbers on something about composition and colours that goes straight over your head but you can’t deny that the picture came out ridiculously well. You might have to change all your socials with a new profile picture.

“See? You can thank me with a kiss,” he says, a cheeky smile across his face.

You press your lips to his cheek in a swift motion, a smack sound resounding from it. It was uncalled for, you think, because Ten freezes for a few seconds in an uncharacteristic manner. He shakes his head, a scream dying in his throat before turning to you with the most scandalized look.

“Oh my god, what did you do that for?” he says, rubbing at his cheek in a teasing manner.

You wrap your arms around him, furthering his protests although he ends up smiling wide. “You asked for it, honey.”

“Nicknames are my thing. Stop trying to copy me, it’s embarrassing.”

"Okay, now let's take a picture together," you suggest pulling him closer.

He clicks his tongue and takes the phone from you, and when his hand rests upon the small of your back, you try to freeze up. His face is near yours, not unlike the usual but you feel your heartbeat hike up. It's a strange feeling.

"Now, can we go home?" Ten asks, handing you your phone. "I can't believe your background is rilakkuma."

"I'll change it," you respond, voice strangely quiet. You're only half smiling but Ten's smile is full and bright, eyes honey-pure. "To us."

Ten hums in satisfaction and offers his hand like a gentleman from another century, something you tend to exaggerate and you take it with a laugh. The two of you walk with entangled arms and playful skips over the pavement, getting the same old looks from passersby as you did as children and teenagers. The traffic lights glow a gentle hue below the mature blue evening sky, fading easily. You realize as gently as waves lapping at the shore that you missed Ten so bad it still hurts in the hole he left. 

act ii scene ii.

Any weekend in a boring little town of flowers starts with the news of parties. It used to be Johnny sending invites but now it’s mostly just Yukhei calling people for impromptu college parties. Now, you are aware that college parties are horrendous in every shape and form; you are also aware that the two hour car ride to the city college isn’t safe. But it’s easy to ignore hackneyed advice to stay away from parties and alcohol and weed when you’re young and have a ridiculously large group of friends.

The drive isn’t the worst part. At least the drive to the party isn’t; the drive back is usually too hazed to be memorable. Sicheng’s driving this time and with a lot of grumbling but he gets enough pitiful pats to the back and cheek to stop it. Ten has his feet up on the dashboard, having called shotgun before you by one fucking second. You’re stuck with Sooyoung and Johnny in the backseat, sandwiched uncomfortably at that, but you lean forward enough to nag Ten the whole time.

“(name),” Sooyoung calls in a sing-song voice. “Your overly affectionate looks for Ten are showing and it’s not even eleven yet.”

You furrow your eyebrows, stammering out a response and regretting it immediately. “You’re- You’ve been teasing me about this forever.”

“No, she’s right,” Johnny joins in. “Come on, there isn’t even alcohol involved. Yet.”

You roll your eyes, shrinking into yourself as the two of them laugh on either side of you. Sicheng says something along the lines of ‘nauseating’ and ‘idiotic’ but he gets an elbow jab from Ten.

“I’m driving,” he hisses.

“Into every sidewalk we come across?” Ten shoots back.

Another bout of laughter rings through, and this time you can smile too. It’s not that you’re particularly bothered by the teasing; it’s just uncharted territories you have no desire to chart. You always thought you’d meet Prince Charming on a balcony in a summer evening, and this is optional, but it should happen with ‘Love Story’ by Taylor Swift playing in the background. It’s quite inane to assume it would be your best friend, whom you have spent countless summer evenings listening to old Taylor Swift songs with.

Before you were aware of college house parties, you thought things like these would be more of a less-people-more-booze sort of situation. Turns out, the alcohol to people ratio is nearly the same. Stumbling out of the entrance to the frat house, Yukhei greets the lot of you with a dazed smile before promptly throwing up into the bushes. Rolling your eyes, you pat his back while Sooyoung gets some water from her purse.

“How many drinks was it this time, Yukhei?” Ten teases. “Half? Three-quarters? No wait, that’s a stretch.”

“Very funny,” Yukhei mutters, somehow still upbeat despite his continuous retching. “I bet you’d be drunk after a shot of whatever the hell I had too.”

Adjusting his jacket, Ten narrows his eyes at Yukhei with an incredulous look. “Okay, you’re on. Let’s go.”

Sicheng raises his hands alarmed, but Ten has disappeared into the swarms of people before any sound can leave him.

“He was supposed to drive on the way back,” Sicheng complains. He opens his mouth in sudden realization and then turns to you. You look from him to Johnny and Sooyoung who share a look and walk briskly into the party with a thumbs-up gesture.

“Oh. Oh no,” you say.

“No, yes,” Sicheng responds.

You shake your head and laugh before sprinting inside, Sicheng’s yells of protest fading out.

Yukhei wasn’t kidding when he said his frat hosts the craziest parties. There’s far too many people here, at least far too many for Ten to have fun. You like the energy of the crowd though, all in their own zones and dancing to old party pop songs. The smell of alcohol hits you so strong at first that you have to take a breather in the little garden space they have. It’s more of an overgrown shrubbery instead of a garden but any green will do. Walking back in, you feel much more comfortable when you take a shot of vodka from a girl passed out on the couch. Laughing, you look around for familiar faces. Parties, however, are not the place to look for faces at all. You think you just spotted a fur neck warmer tied around a dude’s waist while he performs some Neanderthal variant of belly dancing.

You bump into a guy of fairly tall stature, a polite apology tumbling from his lips.

Furrowing your eyebrows, you chuckle in amusement. “You’re not a party kind of guy, are you?”

He stares at you with a placid expression, intrigued. “And how would you know?”

“First, you’re not drunk. Two, you look grossed out by those dudes on the bar table. Three, you’re making conversation with me instead of dancing.”

“So you’re saying I can’t make conversation and dance at the same time.”

“I’m sorry, Mister, but you look like you’d rather not dance at all.”

He laughs. “That’s your way of saying I have a stick up my ass, isn’t it?”

You shrug, giving him your friendliest smile. “I prefer talking to drinking too. What’s your name? I need to know the name of the only sober guy in here.”

“Doyoung,” he answers. “Something tells me you’re not going to give me the same pleasure of knowing your name.”

You smile, pressing your index finger to your lips. “Names at parties are better left unknown.”

Something about him is inherently attractive, and you find yourself drawing nearer. Perhaps you could have a more fun night this way. “It’s much more fun to guess. Now, I’m guessing your party-loving best friend dragged you in here so you could get laid.”

He sighs, smiling at you. “I’m actually part of the frat.”

You gasp, hand covering your mouth. “No way.”

“Someone sober has to oversee whatever the hell’s going on here.” He shrugs. “Now, and this isn’t a guess, but you’re not from our college.”

“Nope. I’m from that little flower town nearby.” 

“Ah, I heard there’s a lovely dahlia field there.”

You nod. “And me. Just as lovely.”

You bite your tongue. That was certainly not sexy enough flirting. Ten has been rubbing off on you with his lame comebacks. Doyoung, however, laughs really loud at that. He must have a worse sense of humour than you thought.

You turn sharply at the sound of your name. Ten seems to be waving at you from a table of beer pong, looking rather distressed. You wave back with a bothered look on your face, aggressively signaling for him to handle his shit alone. He pouts and signals more desperately for you to come. Sighing, you turn to Doyoung.

“Sorry,” you say. “My friend seems to be in a pinch. Either that or he’s attention starved again in a record time of eight minutes.”

Doyoung laughs. “I liked talking to you.”

“I liked talking to you too, plot twist.”

“Is that what you’re calling me now?” Doyoung smiles at you. "Ah, I tend to forget but someone always comes along and shows me how friendships are made."

With one last smile, you leave him and walk halfway through to Ten before realizing you forgot to ask for Doyoung’s number. It’s too late to turn back now for the crowd blocks your version and you begrudgingly make your way to Ten. So much for your fun night.

“What was so important that you had to pull me away from the only attractive dude in this party?” you say, crossing your arms.

“Who, Doyoung?” he asks. “I’m at least six times hotter. And anyway, help me win this.”

You roll your eyes. If Ten knows Doyoung, you can somehow finagle your way into getting his number.

“I suck at this game,” Ten mutters. “How the hell is it supposed to hit its mark when the cup is so far away?”

“You have shitty aim,” you say, taking the ping pong ball and throwing it right into the cup. Smirking at the dude who’s already wasted on the other side, you turn back to Ten.

“That’s how you play.”

“Maybe you just have magic hands. Kiss my balls for good luck—wait, fuck, I didn’t mean that.”

You throw your head back and laugh at the disgusted look on his face. Sometimes Ten forgets to think before he opens his mouth and it might be surprising, but he does think before most things he says. He’s always been careful in the subtlest ways.

“I hate this game,” Ten says after missing the cup again. 

“Let me teach you,” you say, moving behind him and taking his hand holding the ball. He stiffens before letting you guide the angle of projection as you throw. It lands right in despite the wobbly beginning and you grin at him.

“I’m so done with this party,” he whispers, hands on his hips and stretching much like a cat after a nap.

You giggle. “I didn’t drink enough to forget everything that’s ever hurt me though.”

“You’re hurt?” he asks, before clearing his throat. “If you wanna stay, I’ll stay too.”

“I’m not a child, you know?” you say, smiling incredulously. “I don’t need you babysitting me.”

“I don’t need you talking to any more Doyoungs. You know his body count?”

“That guy?” you ask, jaw dropping.

“It’s not that much actually,” Ten continues, smiling deviously. “More than what you expect from a guy in law though. You can shut your jaw.”

You huff. “How do you know though? Did you sleep with him?”

Ten wrinkles his nose. “I would rather eat your baking than sleep with him.”

“Hey.”

Right then, the two of you are approached by a now-sober Yukhei. He must have vomited enough alcohol out of his system by now. Johnny stays beside him with mild worry across his features. Sicheng on the other hand looks like his social battery has drained out already.

“It’s time for a drinking game!” Yukhei tells the two of you. “With the… uh… not so drunk people.”

“So just the five of us? Where’s Sooyoung?”

“Doting over Yeri,” Johnny answers.

“Ah.”

“Let’s play something if you guys actually want me to stay and not die of boredom,” Sicheng mumbles in annoyance.

"Truth or drink?" Yukhei suggests. 

"Hell no," you mutter. "I've had enough of that."

"What, no dare this time," he insists with a wide smile and arms outstretched.

You hum. "What are you curious about anyway? I know you wanna know something."

Yukhei scratches the back of his head before glancing at Ten. "Well… have you two ever… I don't know, experimented with each other? Like you're best friends, right, so no hard feelings."

Ten furrows his brows, a gaze that's somewhere between a glare and a confused look.

"Experiment…?" He asks, almost afraid to.

"In bed," says Yukhei bluntly.

Ten turns a few shades darker in the face, noticeable even under the multi-colored party lights. You, on the other hand, pray your stunned expression isn't mistaken for the embarrassment you feel. You're not sure why the feeling arises.

"(Name) wishes," Ten jokes, playing it off.

You roll your eyes. "You wish, asshole."

Yukhei pulls a face and raises a hand to interrupt. "Please don't start another lover's quarrel."

Sicheng snickers at the side, although you thought he wasn't listening. How on earth does this joke not get old to them?

"Anyway, my question is answered," Yukhei says. "Best friends who are in love with each other cannot sleep together but friends who are not… they can right?"

Sicheng hums in response, a teasing smile already on his lips. Ten groans and places his hand to the back of Sicheng's neck, almost threatening.

"What would you know about sex, Sicheng?" He bickers. "You're like virgin supreme."

You narrow your eyes. "And what would you know?"

Ten opens his mouth then closes it promptly. Sicheng and Yukhei on the other hand break into laughter, mentioning something about digging graves before taking their leave from the two of you. You really don't think either of them should be drinking—considering Yukhei's a lightweight and Sicheng is supposed to drive.

Ten smacks the back of your head and you yelp, smacking his shoulder as hard as you can.

"I was trying to help us there," he complains. "You're so unfun."

You mimic his statement and he tries to pinch you in the cheeks, which you expertly avoid.

"So tell me," you say. "Have you or have you not had sex?"

Ten sighs. "Okay, yeah fine. Guilty. Whatever."

"What happened to no flings in New York?"

"Didn't feel like telling you."

"Oh, I'm so hurt."

The two of you look at each other and burst into laughter, easy to forget the scores of people around you in the moment. 

“So you definitely had a few flings in New York,” you say, crossing your arms with a smug smile.

“Like three, yeah,” he answers, shaking his head. “What does it matter?”

Some part of you is satisfied with the way he doesn’t look too interested. It’s the ridiculous part of you. The clementine light over his features make them seem even gentler than usual and you smile, pressing the back of your hand to his cheek.

“Wha—”

“Mhm. Your cheeks are so warm.”

“Oh, so now I’m your personal heater.”

Ten places his hand over yours and your heartbeat hikes, and so easily too when he looks at you with his honey eyes.

“You know what, you’re right. This party’s getting boring.” You look around, as though pretending will help you any better. But then again if Shakespeare was onto something and all the world's a stage, then you never stop pretending, right?

Ten looks at you for a suggestion and the moment pauses, contemplation on both of your faces. 

“Let’s just get Sicheng to drive us back,” you say finally. It’s not like you can stray too far for fear of Sicheng leaving behind the two of you (he’s done that before).

Sicheng jumps at the idea of going back and all of you have to participate in dragging drunk Sooyoung into the car and away from a slightly worn out Yeri. Thanking you and fixing her disheveled hair, she walks back into her own corner to what seems to be aggressively coding on her laptop and flipping the finger to any dude who approaches her. When work calls, you simply cannot hang up.

You and Ten are forced to sit together in the backseat now for Johnny sits shotgun, massaging his forehead from whatever hellsent concoction he made for himself and his friends. The drive is mostly quiet and you lay your head on Ten’s shoulder while Sooyoung snores beside you. It’s quiet like the laps of water between ripples. It feels so secure to stay like this, like the world cannot interrupt. You’ve missed your best friend. You’ve missed him so much.

You and Ten part ways with the others at the crossing and you don’t skip over the path as you used to, with the jovial youth you contained then. No, your steps are slower and perhaps more mature but still in pace with Ten’s just as ever. A cat waits by the entrance to your door, the same calico that has won over your mother’s heart and now waits patiently for treats. In a way, you kept feeding it because you thought of Ten whenever you did.

It seems these days, the only way to get kisses from Ten is to be a cat. He pets the cat with tender strokes and presses his face to its forehead with no fear of cat-borne diseases. 

“Hey, Ten. What about me?” You pucker your lips at him and he presses his palm to your lips instead, snickering.

In these short moments, moments that barely last, do you feel the three years he’s been gone. It’s funny how people change and never realize they do. It’s funny how you’re in awe of every person he becomes.

“I missed your rooftop the most in New York,” Ten says. 

You chuckle. “You hid there when your mom was mad at you.”

“Do you know how many slippers your rooftop has saved me from? I think your rooftop is more of a best friend to me than you are.”

You place your hand over your heart in mock hurt and he shakes his head, grinning.

“Well, let’s prove I’m more worthy of the best friend title then,” you say, grabbing his hand, the skin so soft to you, and dragging him into your house in quiet tiptoes. You remember coming up here back when you pretended to be pirates, when you acted out Shakespeare and when you wanted to forget the world, the terrible, cruel world you found yourself hating often. This is your hiding spot, a safe place. Ten makes it more so. 

Lying down against the rooftop, you trace the sky from star to star. The good thing about small, dimly lit towns is the clear view of the stars. So far from troubles, it must be easy to play the audience. 

“That looks a little like Felis,” Ten says, taking your hand and tracing a particular arrangement of the stars.

“Is that a… cat?”

“Yeah. It’s not a constellation anymore,” he tells you. “But I like to think it is.”

“I wish things never end too,” you mumble. “Like Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Or that new Taylor Swift song. I wish some things went on forever.”

Ten laughs airily. “I wish too.”

You turn to look at him. The curve of his nose is pretty as ever, eyelashes hanging close to the skin of his cheeks as he breathes with eyes closed. There’s a significant number of words you haven’t exchanged yet. There’s so many words you’re holding back.

“You seem tired,” you note.

He hums in response.

“Was New York that hard?”

He opens his eyes to look at you. “A little… tiring, yes.”

“Well, I’m glad you can rest now.” You smile and he returns it. 

“I’ve been running for so long and telling myself I’m still dancing,” he says, a sigh escaping afterwards. “I don’t even know where I am anymore.”

“You’re with me,” you respond. “Right here. On my rooftop.”

“Watching the stars again,” he completes, laughing aloud. “God, I wish we were kids again. All I cared about were the flavour of my cereal and how many constellations I could memorize.”

“The stars don’t give a shit about you, Ten,” you tease, repeating the line you used to tell him.

“The stars might not give a shit about us,” he agrees, “But that’s why I’d like to watch them a little longer.” 

“Me too,” you say softly.

You take a deep breath and let it out. These are the moments between the bloom of a flower and when it is picked. These moments are serene and warm and gentle, however ephemeral they may be. These are the moments between the flapping of a butterfly's wings—times when you and Ten fell asleep in detention in fifth grade for something that was very much your fault, or when he pets your head with the biggest grin after pissing you off on purpose or the proximity of the baby blue sky after your latest shopping mall mischief. But the flower will be picked someday. To live is to live in fear, and no matter how you try to buzz out the idea of it, it will come and it will prove itself.

“Sometimes I wish I were an angrier person,” you say quietly.

“What for?”

“They just seem so much more driven.”

“You’re driven enough. I think you do everything right already.”

“Working at plant nurseries, maybe. I’m not even a good enough cashier.”

“Flowers suit you.”

“You know, I could spend my life picking flowers and arranging them if I could,” you say, sitting up. “Everything moves so fast that the garden’s gone by the time I get to smell the flowers. You get me?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “I wish time could stop. Sometimes it does. When I’m on stage.”

“What’s that like?”

“It’s very beautiful,” he whispers, eyes fixed on you.

It's quiet, the sounds of the night filling the space between you and him.

"You know, in dance," he starts, "the most powerful thing you can be is still. It's also the most difficult."

You hum in response. "I find it easy to be still with you though. It's like I don't have to perform anymore, you know?"

Ten laughs. "I know. I wish I could say that about my ambitions."

You place your palms against his cheeks, holding his face gently. You're not sure if it's because you're a little tipsy or Ten's lips that are driving you crazy, but you smile wide.

"You are like a flower," you begin rather wisely. "And spring hasn't arrived yet."

Ten blinks before snorting and then laughing like you just said the stupidest thing ever. 

The downside to getting along like a house on fire is that the house is still on fire and you don’t know what to do about it. Your heart is burning and you want to tell him the words you’re holding back. But if they escape your mouth, the wind might carry it away and leave you with a heavy response. You can’t say anything yet. Not until you’ve mustered enough courage to leave this town behind with him. Not until you have enough financial confidence to fall in love.

“Hey, Ten.”

“Hm? Don’t ask me something stupid and ruin the night.”

You giggle. “Will you stay with me wherever I am?”

“A little overdue but yes, until death do us part.” 

The two of you laugh, shoulders shaking and eyes brimming with an unsaid emotion. This is how you fall in love. You fall in love like flowers blossoming and withering, like you have only each other to withstand the test of time. 

“Should we dance?” Ten offers. “This time, maybe you’ll finally learn to not step on my feet.”

“That just makes me want to step on your feet more.”

It's so easy to fall in love that you fall asleep to the feeling—like the nights after you watched cartoons well past bedtime and thought that Ten was the prettiest boy you'd ever seen, after reading illicit internet horror stories in seventh grade that only made you huddle closer, after creating a pillow fort in the name of memories the night of your graduation when you couldn't say out loud that Ten really is the prettiest boy you know. The feeling slips in like you slip on your night clothes and you forget they were ever off at all. Comfort is a fleeting thing but in that moment, it felt forever.

act ii scene iii.

Halloween is undoubtedly the greatest time to spend with friends. There’s spooky stories shared, an abundance of favourite candies and if you happen to be friends with theatre kids, there’s most certainly a fun play going on. The crisp autumn air is vaguely nostalgic, brimming with memories in this town. 

Evening creeps in and once you’re done with the day’s chores, you get dressed with such speed that your mother has to convince you to slow down. It’s like you’re a kid again, and you'd like to enjoy this morsel of your childhood before you're forced to grow up.

Greeting Ten’s mother as you rush into the house, you run up the stairs and into Ten’s room, opening the door with a loud bang. Somehow, Ten’s scream is louder than that. He’s wearing a towel around his waist (only a towel), hands covering his chest with a horrified look on his face.

"Stop screaming," you say, hands on your hips. "We've seen each other naked, what's the big deal? Actually, do that pitch again, you sound like Meryl Streep from Mamma Mia."

Ten chokes, covering his mouth with his knuckles while he coughs.

"We were like four and a half! How does that count?"

You giggle, turning around. "Change. Quick."

"I mean, you can see if you like, darling," he calls, liltingly. "I know you can't resist me. Ugh. Can't stand all this pining from a friend."

You make a gagging sound and he laughs. It seems like he’s gotten over the initial shock of you barging in. The sound of the wardrobe opening and Ten shuffling through clothes follows. You are glad, however, that he can't see the look on your face. You must be looking ridiculous. You wonder if he can see how tense your shoulders and torso are. This is not the way you wanted to start the evening. Can he tell apart the distinct nervousness in your voice? It's suddenly difficult to play it cool. And isn't playing it cool something you do in front of a crush?

You catch a glimpse of his naked back and it makes you shake your head violently to get rid of the thought. How ridiculous. You can’t be lovers yet.

“Alright, you can turn around. What the fuck are you even supposed to be?”

"Say hello to the wicked witch of the West!" You exclaim, grinning ear to ear when you jump around.

"Oh, you don't have to dress up for that."

Your smile turns into a pout and you pull hard at his still-soft cheeks. He lets out a pained whine, grabbing your wrists and gently tugging them off. His skin turns red easily, however, and you're left with an image of rosy-cheeked Ten just like when you first met.

“You’re a demon spawn,” he hisses, rubbing his sore cheek. 

“No, that’s definitely your thing. Can’t borrow that,” you say, crossing your arms and smiling smugly. “Why aren’t you dressed as one? Actually, why aren’t you dressed as anything?”

Ten shrugs. “I have to wear some ridiculous ghost outfit for the play so I decided I’d rather play the part of a sexy pirate ghost.”

You snort, looking at the half-buttoned white shirt tucked neatly into black trousers. “You? A ghost? A poltergeist is the word you’re looking for.”

Ten rolls his eyes. “If I were a ghost, I’d definitely haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“Okay, ghost boy, let’s get going.” You loop your arms through his and pull him out, leaving in just as much a whirlwind as you walked in. You do walk back in though—to stuff a few of the cookies Ten’s mom baked in your mouth and walk right out with a muffled ‘thank you’ and your hand still around Ten’s wrist.

Arriving at the theatre, Ten catches his breath though he tries to not look worn out before squinting and making a show of searching for something.

“What are you looking for?” You ask, furrowing your eyebrows.

“The train you thought we were going to miss.”

You stick your tongue out and finally let go of his hand. He pulls it to himself, rubbing at his wrist with an exaggerated look of pain. 

“Oh, it’s still intact. Thought I’d have to bid farewell to my dreams of being a professional calligrapher.”

“Eat ink, Ten.”

“Ooh, it’s the rare PG-13 (name). Nice.”

A loud bang emanates from the back entrance, Sicheng looking like a rather mortified Count Dracula (which is strange because Dracula is immortal, right?) with fake blood splattered across his jaw and two little fangs poking out. Ten no wastes no time in complimenting them, making Sicheng rather flustered.

“It was bad enough having to listen to your flirting through the door,” Sicheng mutters. “Get in. Quick. Sooyoung pulled out and we need someone to fill in.”

Your eyes light up and Sicheng is about to deny your wishes when Ten intervenes.

“(name). You get to play a slightly deranged witch with a most definitely existing bloodlust. You in?”

“You bet I am! I was born ready. Except in sixth grade when I had that meh phase and I wasn’t born ready. Then I was born ready again!”

Sicheng makes a face. “Yeah sure, just get in.”

“Aren’t you glad I’m dressed for the occasion?”

“Not really, no.”

Ten whistles when he walks in. “How much fake blood did you guys get?”

“Enough to re-enact Red Wedding from Game of Thrones,” Johnny answers from a corner, in a costume which you can’t tell if it’s a werewolf or just a fursuit. You can never seem to guess when it comes to Johnny.

Ten laughs before turning to you, the sound tuning out. “I have never watched Game of Thrones.”

You pat his shoulder, laughing. In the next moment, Sicheng pushes a script towards you, expecting you to actually read.

“Sicheng, you know I’m going to improvise.”

Sicheng groans. “Shakespeare was right. Hell is empty and all the demons are here.”

Throwing a pointed glare at you when he says the word ‘demons’, he crosses his arms. It’s easy to convince him though—he’s quite amenable when he’s stressed out about details and both you and Ten know he just needs some reassurance and good, gentle shove.

You and Ten sit on either side of him on a really, really worn out couch that you’re not sure can hold the weight of the three of you.

Sicheng holds up his hands in both of your faces before you can open your mouth.

“I feel like the child of a really immature couple who is forced to grow up at a tender age because his parents are so immature.”

“Uh,” Ten starts. “That’s very specific.”

“The character I’m playing has daddy issues,” Sicheng responds casually, and a little out of it. “Actually he’s got mommy issues too. Why am I playing an eight year old?”

“Because children are crap at acting,” Ten answers and you reach your arm to smack the back of his head.

“What? Ow, that hurt.”

“Sicheng, it’s our stupid Halloween play. We do it to have fun,” you say, placing your hand 

“You going all motherly is freaking me out,” Sicheng says, wide eyes staring at you.

“You’re right,” you say, dramatically sighing. “Motherhood changed me. I can’t do evil black magic anymore. Aha! That’s a good dialogue, isn’t it?”

“Harrowing, actually, but I guess that’s what you’re going for.”

You and Ten share a fond smile, laughing to yourselves till Joohyun calls you and gives you basic stage direction. She’s almost never home except for Halloween and it makes the holiday even more exceptional.

“Ready, Wicked Witch of the West?” Ten nudges you before he has to go on stage. 

“Wait, is that actually my character?”

“No. No, it isn’t. For the love of cats—the animal, not the musical—please just keep speaking and make it worse on stage. I need a recording to laugh at.”

You roll your eyes and push him on. He looks so at peace there, the conversation from that night coursing in remembrance. It’s like everything is still, the lack of motion driving him to move. 

You never understand it yourself, however, when you’re on stage. You blabber like an idiot, as Ten says, and the audience laughs and that is it. You don’t experience what he does and it sometimes drives you a little crazy. Of course, you adding a pregnancy narrative to your witch does throw the rest of the cast for a loop but they handle it well. You just have to make sure you run as fast as you can from Joohyun after the play is done.

“Good job there,” Ten snickers after you duck behind a curtain as Joohyun passes by with furrowed brows and a frown. 

“I know right? I’m literally Oscar-worthy,” you whisper-yell and Ten shakes his head.

“Come on.” This time his hand grips your wrist. “I know the best way to sneak out of this theatre.”

Taking a flight of stairs that you were previously unaware of, you plunge into the darkness of what seems to be an attic. Ten turns on the flashlight of his phone and you yelp, the lighting not helping his already spooky makeup. He laughs before navigating through a bunch of boxes. 

“I heard they used to use this room as an execution chamber,” Ten whispers.

“They did not. Get the fuck out of here.”

“Okay fine. I did cry here though after reading an internet article about ill-fated lovers in ancient Asia.”

“Ugh. Truly horrifying.”

“Yeah, yeah. Emotions terrify you.”

“They do not.”

Ten stops walking.

“Oh yeah? Got any proof?”

You stop yourself before you can do something embarrassing. The first thought that came to you was to kiss the smug look off his face and it does terrify you. The bastard is right. 

“I… cried at your birthday party.”

“You were six. Everyone cries when they’re six.”

“Alright, fine. I cried after you left.”

The silence makes you look up and for once, you don’t really want Ten to be so speechless. You punch his shoulder lightly.

“I missed you a lot,” you say quietly. “Is that so surprising?”

He opens his mouth but no sound comes out. 

“Hello? Anyone inside?” You knock at his forehead before holding his face between your face. “You’re shivering. It’s pretty cold here.”

“I’m not cold,” he says quickly, the red rising in his face.

“Of course, you’re cold. Your cheeks are aflame, that’s how cold it is.”

Ten shuts off the flashlight and you scream at the abrupt darkness.

“It’s not from the cold,” he mumbles.

Now left with only Ten’s warm hand around your wrist, you let him guide through wherever the hell it is you are before emerging onto the second floor of 1075 Building. 

“What the hell?” You gasp. “Why wasn’t I aware there was a secret passage here? Is this what archaeologists feel like? ”

Ten smiles, in some sort of victory. “You don’t know a lot of things.”

You walk into the empty room, or rather wiggle in through the window—this building used to be some sort of housing apartment before being torn down halfway for renovation. Some ghost stories spooked the workers too much to continue. However, having been here long enough, you know that the only thing haunting this place is the abundance of cats. In fact, you can see a few eyeing the two of you from the other windowsills. The room is fairly well-lit and maintained so you guess the renovation will start again soon.

“You got us pizza?” you exclaim at the pizza boxes and cans of cola resting over a little picnic blanket.

“Yes, I did. Wait, crap, I forgot the candy.”

“Nah, that’s okay.” You show him the Reese’s peanut butter cups and Snickers you had pocketed from some unsuspecting children. They get way too many anyway. This is completely morally justified—you’re doing this to save them from cavities and poor health.

“I can’t believe you’d ever want to escape a theatre,” you say before humming at how good the pizza tastes. Pizza is always better when you’re having it someplace you’re not supposed to be in.

“Sometimes, it’s suffocating.” He finally bites into his pizza, an unreadable look over him. You don’t like it. Shifting closer so that your knees touch, you lean in a little.

“Oh, really? After all that talk about how beautiful it is.”

“It is. It just wears me out sometimes. Like you.”

Ten flushes red immediately. “I didn’t mean it—I, I… uh.”

“Aw, you think I’m beautiful.”

“Gah, I knew you’d say that.”

There’s a pause. 

“I got kicked out, actually,” he says quietly.

“What?”

“I had some disagreements with the writers and… and here I am.”

You look at him in stunned silence. “They did fucking what? I’m going to kill them.”

“No, (name). I was at fault. I overstepped. I guess city air made me a little greedy.”

“You were always greedy though.”

“If that’s your example of sympathy, you are horrible at it. Never try again.”

“Well.” You smile reassuringly. “You’re quite beautiful on stage. Too. Like me, as you said.”

“I’m a performer,” he says, a hint of satisfaction in his voice when he leans in. “You can’t beat me at that.” 

“Then put on a show for me, darling.” You raise an eyebrow, a cocky smile over your lips.

Ten’s cheeks colour. It’s silent for a few moments and you take notice of the lack of distance between your noses, your lips. He seems to lose touch with reality when he gently cups your cheeks and presses his lips to yours. A soft gasp escapes you, not quite ready for the contact.

Ten pulls apart immediately, a look of horror in his eyes.

“I- I’m sorry… I got caught in the—I’m sorry.”

He gets up abruptly and you still sit there in shock. When your senses are back, the room is empty and you hug yourself, feeling colder. God, you’re an idiot. For the first time in your life, you’ve come to your senses and you decide to let the only person you’ve loved walk out the door.

Your texts to him that night aren’t even left on read but you know he’s read the notifications. He always does when he’s avoiding someone. You feel the weight slithering in, pinning you down and making it hard to sleep that night. You have so many things you want to say to him and this time, you’re ready. Even if fate doesn’t let you, you will speak the lines you should have chosen much earlier.

act ii scene iv.

You don’t have anyone to show it to but the news broke you.

The idea of him keeping it all to himself, bearing burdens that are better shared makes your heart collapse its walls into itself. You’re supposed to be there. You were supposed to be there from every pitfall to the top of the world. You were supposed to be at every stage, at every afterparty and for every bout of performance high. You didn’t mean to leave the seat empty.

You were supposed to be there at every rejection and every failure, making fun of all the troubles. 

You get a text from Ten two mornings later to meet up at the new cafe everyone’s been talking about. It takes you the rest of the morning to practise what you’ll say, what you won’t and how you’ll say it. You’ve never done this much for actual plays. But you’re not acting—you just need the words to come out right.

The wall of the cafe is covered in ivy, but you cannot waste time admiring it. Your nerves have the best of you. You stop at the entrance, backtracking to say your entire speech in your head once again. The most important friendship of your life depends on this stupid monologue you came up with a night before in front of the mirror.

“(name).” 

You jump, finding Ten behind you. His nose is a little red from the cold but he looks fine apart from that. You can’t believe you’re early. This might be the first time in your life and you breathe out, slightly more confident.

“Can you… uh, not block the door?”

“Right. Sorry.”

The two of you walk in, a nervous tremble over your fingers but you clasp your hands together tight. He still remembers your favourite drink and you take a moment to try and understand why it’s surprising at all. You wish he never left.

“Ten,” you begin. “If you want to talk about that kiss—”

“Stop. I’m sorry. That was so out of line.” He lets out a distressed sigh, leaning back in the chair. 

“It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be,” you say quickly. That was not in the speech.

He sits up. “I… Am I taking things too seriously? You’ve been my longest friend, (name). You should tell me.”

You frown. “I didn’t mean it in a harsh way. You just think it’s bad because you kissed your best friend and—”

“No. What do you think?”

You gulp.

“See, (name)? I lied because it fucking hurts right now. I don’t want to play this part.”

“No, Ten. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so many things but there’s the city, your job—oh. I- I don’t mean to bring it up if the wound is still fresh. Ten—”

“You don’t understand,” he cuts. “You’ve always been happy here. You’re happy wherever.  I’m not… like… that.”

There’s a pause. You pull your jacket closer, the temperature dropping despite the smell of warm baked goods and hit coffee.

“I thought you knew me,” you whisper coldly. 

Ten looks away. “I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know anything about anything.” 

You breathe sharply. “Ten, I know the city was tough but it’s all you ever wanted.”

“I don’t know what I want,” he whispers. “I don’t know where I belong and- and it just keeps getting harder.”

Your eyes soften. “At least, you were there at Broadway. You took the first step and maybe… maybe you can make a priority list, you know? Work things out.”

“(name), stop. You keep trying to cheer me up in the wrong way.” He dips his face into his palms, rubbing at it and sighing.

You purse your lips. This conversation is going nowhere and you’re holding onto the last shred of your empathy. You just want him back with you.

“You got to go out there, Ten. You went to college, you went to New York. You got to go out there and live your dreams, for whatever it was worth, while I’m stuck in this nothing town. Forever.”

“That’s… that’s not true,” he says, voice breaking. “You were saving up for college. We would live in the same city, in the same apartment with the cats and the hot pink curtains and a coffee maker—oh god, I’ve ruined it.”

It’s painful. You don’t know what to say. If this were a movie, the beautiful, romantic kind, you’d be confessing your long-kept feelings. But you don’t know. You don’t know anything about anything. It’s been a year and he’s changed in a way you don’t know and you can’t throw it onto him like this. This isn’t a movie, and you don’t have a script. Your practised words are forgotten as soon as they reach the tip of your tongue. 

People change, and you’re holding onto someone he’s already buried. He’s not in love with you; teenage love is shaky, wobbly at the foundation. He misses the years, not you. You’ve known him your whole life and yet a year’s difference makes you see things differently. You were lonely without him. You were lonely when you had to keep yourself from calling him, when you finally decided to stop sending daily texts, when you couldn’t find the same comfort in any of your other friends. You hurt him and now, you have to face it.

You pick wilting flowers at an overgrown garden. 

No, even if it isn’t you, you want him. You want him and him only, the years be damned. The past pales in comparison to what is now.

“I’m in love with you,” you blurt. “I was just shocked last night because I didn’t think you were in love with me.”

“You’re not in love with me,” he counters. “You’ve been in love with so many people but none of them were me.”

“You. It’s you—oh my god, it was always you.”

Ten glances at his untouched cup, yet undecided on what to do with his fingers when they stop tapping against the bright red plastic table abruptly.

“So what? So what if it was me? I don’t know what it’s like to play that part.”

You breathe out. There’s a silence between the two of you, one which you remember hanging stars upon. Now it's quiet in a way that has nothing to do with astronomy, or art, or music or anything, really. It’s empty. Like every other silence.

“I loved you,” you whisper in an attempt that is more delirious than for closure. “Do you really not know what that’s like?”

Ten shakes his head. “I… I don’t.”

The memories of him smiling under the sun, only memories keep your tears from brimming up. There was meant to be closure. There was meant to be an explanation. You were supposed to be closing that door you opened into each other. Ten looks at your shaking hands and for a moment, you think he might even reach out and warm them up with his sunlit ones. You press them to your face and breathe into them.

“You brought me all the way here to lie to me?”

Ten furrows his eyebrows.

“I’m not lying—I can’t care about you. You know that, right? I’ll ruin your life. Like I’ve ruined mine.”

You laugh, partly in exasperation and partly as an attempt to alleviate the pain in your chest. 

“You’re my boy. I know you better than anything else I know.”

“Don’t- Don’t do that. Don’t make me want something more.”

"Why would you kiss me?" You bite down your lip to stop yourself from crying.

Ten seems at a loss for words, looking at you with parted lips and guilty eyes. 

"I love you. I'm sorry."

With your eyes downcast, you take a shaky breath. It's now or never. Never, never, never. The word chimes like wedding bells and you think for a moment, to lie. If you pretend, if you act, you'll live it out. He cannot stay and you cannot leave. What a ridiculous pair you are.

You squeeze your eyes shut, get up and lean over the table to place a kiss against Ten's mouth. You pull away with reluctance, looking at the quiet surprise in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," you whisper. "I got… I got caught in the moment."

Ten stares at you soundlessly, mouth moving and yet no words come out. Instead, he runs his fingers through your hair before placing his hand on your cheek and leans in again. There's a red flush over his cheeks and it makes you feel at ease.

"I didn't want to hold you back," you say after parting. "Or at least, that's what I told myself. But this year without you has been so painful."

Ten doesn't say anything.

"I… I didn't know what I felt and- and I was so scared… I didn't mean to hurt you. I hate that I did."

“I was afraid,” he says, breathing out like he was holding it in. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t care if I came back.” 

Time treats everything poorly. This time, you’ll try your best to win against it. Ten breaks into a wide, relieved smile and you laugh, rubbing at the tears that collected. God, you were so afraid you wouldn't ever be able to talk to each other anymore. Every room you’ve been in without Ten has been so empty that you had stopped opening doors at all. The coffee is hot and tastes better than ever.

//

You dream of something as ridiculous as the love you feel for Ten. 

There's a cat in the sky, made of stars and with a booming, deep voice—and you, you are little and insignificant on a forgotten rooftop. It is serene, in quiet contemplation, and you are looking at it like a neglected child at its mother. You ask something without words and it responds without words. 

All of sudden, the image disappears and you find yourself in a garden, picking flowers. The clothes you wear are not yours, the face you wear is not yours. But Ten, you'd recognise him anywhere, any time, in another lifetime.

You could see the clear distinction between the two of you however. You wore robes of royalty, the auspicious gold embroidery glistening, and he, that of a performing artist in quiet sage green. The blue irises that grew around you paid no heed to your colours and you had the thought that you should be like them. Vivid, smiling and never alone.

Ten greets you with a smile first and then stretches out his arms. You run to him, with enough force to knock the two of you onto the soft, grassy ground. No one will find the two of you here, in this flower bed. You remember thinking that royalty puts on just as much a show as theatre actors.

You didn't have to remember all of it to know that the story was a tragedy, carefully crafted by divine writers and painters. It was cruel, as is every writer's hand. You see him last under a beautiful sunset before an execution, the words ‘please’ on his lips and no hint of resentment in his smile. It was unlike him. It was so unlike him. 

You hug yourself. He shouldn’t have forgiven you so easily. It takes you a few moments to come back to your senses; this is not you. That person in your dreams wasn’t you—why did you have to feel all that pain? That person in your dream watched their lover die—no, let their lover die as though discarding a messed up sketch. Cruel. It was so cruel. 

The burning idea sprouts in your mind that it was the original script. That perhaps you were cruel and he was not and it’s been that way since forever. That if you don’t do something about it, you’ll be the villain once more. It's as scary to be young as it is lively—and not for once, did you ever think that villains were children too.

ACT III: HAPPINESS 

 act iii scene i.

If the world were to end tomorrow, Ten would spend tonight dancing with you. He says it so easily that you forget to tease him about it.

“Not like that,” he instructs, eyebrows furrowed. “Do this.”

“I am doing this.” You huff, crossing your arms.

“No, you’re not—holy shit, your arms are made of lead.”

You punch him in the shoulder and he stumbles, losing his balance. He sits down on his bed, leaning back on his arms and laughs. You join him and sit down on the fuzzy rug. He gets off immediately to sit beside you.

“I mean, you’re not that bad,” he says with a shrug.

You mimic his statement, rolling your eyes and he attacks your side with an unannounced bout of tickling. The last time you did this, you were a foot shorter and no high school dating rumours were flying around. The last time you did this, you didn’t end up kissing, limbs entangled with each other. December feels like June.

Ten pulls away from you, hovering over to kiss you once again before kissing turns into giggling which turns into laughter.

“I like this," you say quietly.

"Kissing me?" He asks with a sly grin.

"It's actually a little disappointing. Thought you'd be a ten at kissing."

"Atrocious. Disgusting. Vile. Never say that to me again."

You stick your tongue out at him and he does the same, the afternoon torpor settling in heavy as you cuddle into each other. It’s nostalgic almost but at the same time, so very new. You want to talk to him for hours and hours but when the hours end, it never feels enough. An ending is what you despise. Your thoughts meander.

“I had a nightmare,” you confess suddenly.

There’s a very brief pause. Before Ten even says anything, his arms reach out, pulling you into him. It’s warm and you smile.

“Was it your own face you saw?”

“Fuck you. You ruined the moment.”

“We were having a moment?”

You elbow him in the gut and he lets out a grunt of pain, the two of you moving away from each other just to glare. Ten caves first, sliding closer to you and placing his palm against your cheek.

“Can we resume our moment?” he asks, eyes crinkling when he smiles.

You press your forehead to his, your breathing in perfect coordination. This feels easy. This feels right. You pull away and look at him, the silence encasing your moment with him.

“I saw you in it. I… I lost you in it.” You bite your lower lip, avoiding his gaze.

“Hey. It was just a bad dream. I’m right here.” Ten draws closer, his breath mingling with yours and the warmth seeps into you just enough to forget the cold night. 

“You know what would cheer me up from a nightmare?” You nudge him.

“If you say visiting the graveyard—god, fuck, you’re gonna say visiting the graveyard. My suggestion is that you see a therapist.”

“I would if I had the money,” you retort.

Ten shrugs before furrowing his eyebrows. “Are we actually going to the graveyard? You know there are like graves there.”

“That’s… why it’s called a graveyard.”

“Don’t get smart with me, you failed seventh grade English.”

“You failed sixth grade math, Ten. Sixth grade. They teach you like fractions and shit then.”

“Do I look like I need to add three-fourths and one-eighths ever in my life?”

You shake your head before getting up with a burst of energy, and pick up your jacket from his bed. 

“Let’s go! Let’s go!” You start to chant at Ten until he reluctantly gets up. The sun is quite far from setting down yet and everyone knows the perfect time to visit a grave is twilight. Maybe the stone will give your life enough perspective to ease your anxious thoughts.

//

The town cemetery is located by the bed of dahlias which have withered in the seasonal cycle of life and death. There’s a light breeze and your jacket is just enough to withstand it. The sky is orange and pink and the graveyard doesn’t seem as looming as it does in the dead of night (which you know because you’ve visited at two in the morning on a stupid bet with Johnny and somehow Ten was the one scared shitless). You’ve heard stories of the soldiers who were buried here, the women who led the first revolution and everyone else who never got to grace history books. You’ve never enjoyed history much but you can’t gainsay that it puts everything into perspective.

Nothing else matters at the wedding altar and at the grave. 

Ten makes a face at the iron gates of the cemetery. “Okay. We’ve had our adventure. Can we please go get our evening snacks?”

“I love it when you’re antsy, Ten.”

He gives you a sardonic smile. “And I like it better when we’re in my bedroom.”

You gasp dramatically, placing your hand in front of your mouth lightly. “That’s quite scandalous of you, good sir.”

He smiles, eyes crinkling. “I consider myself something of a modern man, you see?”

You skip over the steps to the gates and do a curtsy before gesturing to the entrance. He complies with a sigh of reluctance and lets you take his hand as you pull him in. 

A loud voice startles the two of you and Ten smacks his mouth before he can scream and embarrass himself.

“What business do you have here, trespassers?” The voice echoes through the graveyard.

You look around at the trees and squint at what seems to be some children wearing masks and giggling to themselves. You roll your eyes. Johnny told you some of the town kids were mucking about near the graveyard to spook passersby. 

“You really should get back home for dinner, kids,” you say, crossing your arms.

“Silence, trespasser! You will answer our questions to pass.”

Ten bites back a laugh. “Alright, kids. Shoot.”

“Are the two of you criminals married?”

Ten wrinkles his nose. “Do we look that old?”

“Okay! Next question. Did the two of you ever… do it?”

“What?” you ask, tilting your head. 

Ten groans. “You can say sex, you know? Don’t be pussies.”

You elbow him in the side and he yelps. 

“Those are kids,” you whisper.

“I think they’re old enough if they’re asking,” he whispers back.

“No,” you answer the same time he answers “Yes”.

“What?” You look at him in surprise. 

He shrugs, somewhat guilty. “New York,” he responds in a meek voice. “You know?”

You snicker before it turns to laughter. “Why do you look like that? It’s not a crime to have sex—how the fuck did you even get some though?”

“It’s called having sex appeal. Ever heard of it?”

You roll your eyes, opening your mouth to say something when one of the kids clears his throat.

“Okay! You may pass.”

You furrow your eyebrows. “You really just the wanted to ask us about sex, didn’t you?”

“Let’s go, boys!” The kid declares before stopping abruptly. “And girl.”

A group of kids emerges from behind the trees and flock to a hole in the stone wall, laughing amongst themselves as they run out.

“Wow. Kids these days, huh?” Ten says.

“When we were their age, we convinced Yukhei to poke a beehive.”

“Okay, we were asshole kids but no one ever really told us bees were deadly.”

You walk further into the graveyard, beelining towards the same graves you visit often. They’re unnamed but they died sometime in the nineteenth century. Time passes in a way that is hard to comprehend—all these people and stories are never remembered and time is the only witness. Perspective is a luxury to those who have the time to look.

“Why do you like coming here?” Ten asks quietly, eyeing the gravestones with an unreadable look in his eyes.

“For perspective,” you answer truthfully.

He hums, a somewhat understanding note in his voice.

“They only lived for twenty-four years,” you note.

“The world ends too soon sometimes.”

“Kind of sucks.”

“Really sucks.”

The wind is cold when it passes the two of you by. Ten shivers and zips his jacket before checking up on you, fixing your jacket to cover you better.

“When I leave this place, I hope I have a nice farewell,” you whisper.

Ten raises his eyebrow. “Don’t you want it to be an awful, everyone’s-crying sort of affair?”

“No,” you respond, giving him a confused look.

“I want at least one person to be crying,” he replies, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

“That’s kind of—wait a minute.” You glare at him. “You don’t have to use that against me. I wasn’t crying crying.”

“I’m not! I mean it. Like, I want to mean something to someone.”

You draw near enough to link your arms, sighing at the warmth emanating.

“And you’re lying. I know you sobbed right into the pillow like a dramatic ass Disney princess.”

“You’re the one with a flair for drama.” You chuckle.

Ten makes a reluctant sound of agreement, crossing his arms. As he looks at the graves, there’s an expression on his face you can’t quite fathom. It could be mourning—but the graves are nameless, or it could be pity—but he believes that pity is not a positive emotion to feel. You want to ask but something keeps you from it. Something tells you that the answer won’t be pleasant for either of you.

“I hope I cry too,” he whispers. “When I leave and the curtain falls and the world ends.”

You look at him, pondering.

“When I leave,” he begins again, “I want it to hurt. When everything changes, I want it to hurt bad. Then I know it meant something.”

You slip your hand into his and squeeze. “If it means anything, you know I’ll cry if you leave.”

Ten laughs. “Yeah. So when you cried, was it the ugly snot cry or the silently sobbing kind of cry?”

“Fuck off.”

He opens his mouth to retort but gets a full kiss on the mouth instead, good enough to make him forget it. It’s a nice thing to get used to. If time permits, you could do everything together forever.

You return at twilight, grabbing some snacks and arguing whose Netflix account to use and the sun sets before you come to an agreement but it’s not winter anymore inside his room. In fact, it doesn’t feel like winter at all till you look outside and see the naked trees and darker skies, and you remember when you decided last year that you don’t like winter. 

Before you can have a change of heart, you turn to him with sparkling eyes.

He smiles before you even say anything, reading your face as easily as the back of his hand. “You have good news? Or, like, a gift?” Chuckling in breaks, he runs his fingers through your hair.

“I just wanted to talk about our future.”

“Hm?” He seems a little surprised.

“I’m sure we’ll work something out for the both of us. I have faith in you. And in us.”

Ten’s smile falters but he doesn’t let it fall. “I’m glad you do.”

His ringtone startles the two of you just as you lean in, Ten muttering curses at the device. Pausing for a bit when he takes out his phone, he signals you that he needs a minute and leaves you alone in his room. 

Nothing much has changed. There's his cluttered ash wood desk with sketchbooks of varying sizes and colours, shelves with small plushies and, you notice carefully, the butterfly pin you stole. Beside it is the panda soft toy you had found at the side of the road walking back from school and felt so bad, you had "adopted" it. You let out a chuckle.

“Ten?” you call, holding the little panda soft toy.

Ten paces outside his room, speaking in a hush. His features are tense, shoulders stiff and eyes focused when he talks to the caller. Noticing you, his eyes soften for a bit and he makes his way towards you.

“I’ll- I’ll talk to you later,” he speaks sharply into the phone.

“Who’s that?” you ask, walking up to him.

“Sicheng,” he replies briskly.

“Oh.” You remember the doll in your hand and pick it up to show him. “Remember how we got this?”

He smiles but something is amiss in his eyes. “Of course I remember.”

Whatever it is, it must not be important. After all, he’s your best friend and best friends tell each other everything. Morning will come and everything will be alright.

//

The night is cold and the moon is missing. The clothes you wear are not your own once again. This dream begins when the sun has just set and you can taste bitter defeat, but of what battle you don’t know yet. 

All you know is that there is a war and you are caught in the crossfire. It hurts; you can’t feel your limbs anymore and another injury won’t matter anymore. Maybe this is the only life you won in.

No one dies in a way that matters. No one dies for anything at all. It just happens and that is a truth lying within the reach of the universe. Yet then again, when you find your last breath escaping you as you hold hands with the love of your life, you think there must be some meaning to it. You’re only twenty-four and you will be buried in a nameless grave for a war that was the fault of neither of you. 

It dawns on you the moment you wake up, brushing away the tears on your cheeks. The universe is forgetting you, and the universe is being forgotten, until there is nothing left to be remembered.

All you can think then is that you will miss Ten in the next life, and in the next and the next. 

act iii scene ii.

Ten has to tell you. He knows. He knows how the story ends. 

But he’s afraid. He didn’t know how long he’d been walking facing forward till he’d turned around just to find you gone. New York was fun and he made new friends but it’s difficult to be anywhere without you. You’ve been attached at the hip for so long, it’s become strange to be apart.

Ten thinks about the call. The director was very particular about his role and chances come by as rare as diamonds. Ten breathes out heavy in annoyance, covering his eyes with his forearm. He loves sunny winter mornings and this is the worst one he’s ever experienced. He can hear his mom cooking downstairs, the sound soothing and he groans, running his fingers through his hair. 

He should tell you. He knows he should tell you. But fear never walks in on stage with full gusto, it creeps in, slithers in till he feels a shadow behind him on stage and suddenly, he can’t see the lights anymore. Ten is afraid. He is afraid of losing his sense of self to the millions of people he’s played, and to your vibrant world of flowers and colours. You are always front stage centre. You are at the bottom of everything and he can’t let himself fall deep enough. He’s not enough.

Ten turns to face the collection of DVDs on his shelf, untouched since he'd left. What did he start performing for again? Was it the time you and him pretended to be pirates in his room, his bed your gallant ship, or the time he watched his first movie on a sweltering hot summer day, or the time he sang to you the first time (it was a birthday song remix, made by Ten himself). Surely, it was for something beautiful and not for something like greed. At that time, he thought that maybe if he stole enough lives and stuffed it into the gaping hole, it would sate his envy of the people around him. The bright vibrant colours, he made his own and yet still, he feels like a thief with his nimble feet and a stash of paint bottles in his arms. He's not satisfied at all.

It was a sunlit morning and Ten thought to himself, wouldn’t it be nice if he could paint with all the colours of the rainbow? You, who are so full of vibrance, couldn’t understand this epiphany of his.

"You keep getting on my nerves," he mutters in this empty room of his. "Everything you do gets on my nerves."

Ten decides that he’ll tell you this evening. After all, best friends tell each other everything. The theatre means the world to him but the whole world is out there, ready to be his stage. Eventually, this loneliness will turn into a performance and he’ll be grasping at identities trying to find familiarity. He will take his masks off over and over again, and he knows he’ll still be wearing one. He wants to greet you with his real face.

The world spins at the rate of a thousand miles an hour. It never stops, and that must mean everyone on it can’t stop either. 

//

The crows are singing a song, or talking amongst themselves. You can never know. The song is dyed red as the evening, and with a splash of purple. It’s the season to miss flowers and warm hands and the sweet taste of ice cream. You don't know why but the "let's go to the gardens" text from Ten gave you the most awful feeling, much like the morning after your nightmares.

“I have to go back to New York.”

You look up at Ten from the park bench beside the dahlia fields. The flowers are asleep, not in bloom until next autumn. 

“What?”

“I got a call… from someone I know.”

Your first reaction is to smile wide and jump up. “That’s great! You’re not jobless anymore.” You laugh.

But then the corner of your lips twitch and your smile drops. The word ‘goodbye’ hangs at the tip of your tongue and you look at him, slightly perplexed. Ten, who looks at you with so much kindness, will never understand this envy of yours.

“When… when do you come back?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. It depends on how well I do.”

You laugh despite the heavy feeling settling in your chest. “That- Let’s hope your acting is shitty then, hm?”

Ten frowns. “This isn't a joke. For once in your life, can you look at me with sincerity?”

You grit your teeth at his words. 

“I’m trying to lighten the mood, god dammit,” you murmur bitterly.

“And I’m saying you don’t have to.”

There’s something looming over the top of your heads, something eerie like a clock that never stops ticking or a clock that never ticks.

“Can I kiss you?” you ask, surrender in your voice already. 

If you kiss him where you hurt him, will everything be alright? Can you grow the flowers he likes over his scars? Flowers… flowers—which were his favourite again? Irises or daisies? It must have been the prior; you’ve glanced over a hundred times at the endless fields of sleeping blue irises in his sketchbook. And yet, you doubt. Were those flowers chrysanthemums? You’re grasping onto memories and your knuckles are starting to hurt.

Ten looks at you with a gaze that is of the past. He looks at you like he’s mourning, like he’s keeping something grave from you. So you lean in, your lips brushing against his before you can kiss him fully. You want to feel him and for him to feel you, the idea of a relationship foreign and close to you as ever. Even so, you feel like a ghost as you run your fingertips over his skin and through his hair. He knows how to kiss you, how to hold you—and he’s known you for years.

Ten pulls apart for a few moments, breaths weaving into each other. It’s only five centimeters between your lips but it’s still five centimetres. You don’t know if you were meant to be apart or if you were not. The show must go on.

You brush the hair from his face, a lingering smile on your face from the kiss and the way his features align so perfectly. It’s easier to avoid his gaze that way. 

“I’m tired,” he whispers. “I’m so tired. I feel like my skin is losing its grip on my bones. Everything’s falling apart.”

You hum, choking up at the sound of his voice. Soft and yet, so heavy.

He takes a sharp, shaky breath. “I don’t want to go.” 

Forever is the sweetest lie you’ve told each other. 

“You’re going to go,” you pronounce the words into realization. “You’re going to go away again. And I’m going to be right here.”

Your broken heart is making it much more difficult than it should be.

“Don’t go,” you whisper hoarsely. Maybe if this time you didn’t lie. Maybe you’ll be his number one, his lead finally. 

His breathing gets erratic, and he takes a step back to cover his face with his flushed hands. It’s painful to watch him this way and you want to take your words back. But you knew. You knew what the words would result in, what the words would grow into. You feel cruel.

“I… I can’t give up,” he says finally, “I can’t- I can’t. I’m sorry, oh god. Why can’t you come with me? Why do I have to go back alone?”

You swallow, your eyes downcast. 

“I’m not going to wait,” you say finally. “We should… we should stop now. It’s been long enough for us to go our own ways.”

Ten doesn’t move, at a loss for words.

“You… I'm sorry,” he says, choking on his own words. 

Your lips tremble and you wipe at your eyes. He cups your face, thumbs swiping away the tears before you can muster enough strength to push him away. You’re a complete mess, in a way you haven’t been before. Even now, he’s the only one you can face.

“We’re not,” you say, regaining some control over your tongue, “We’re not supposed to be like this. Do you think we would even be friends if we didn’t grow up here together?”

“What- What does that matter?” He furrows his eyebrows, drawing nearer.

“I’m saying that everything could just be a coincidence and maybe… maybe things should just end sometimes.”

You just want to kiss him, in the way a romantic story ends in a sweet kiss and it’s a happy ending.

“You don’t mean that,” he whispers. “But if you want distance, I’m giving you thousands of miles of it.”

You clench your jaw. “Don’t blame me for pushing you away.”

Ten throws up his arms in exasperation. “I’m not blaming—why are you so defensive all of a sudden?”

“You made me that way,” you answer, pitch low. Your throat hurts. 

Ten looks at you with disappointment in his eyes, baby pink lips in a frown you hate. "I'm sorry. I have to leave."

You nod and let the words 'see you tomorrow' slip the same time 'goodbye' slips his. He turns his back and walks forwards as he always has, and you look in from the same place as you always have. 

Eventually, you get the energy to go home. You greet your colourful room with the same look you always have before something catches your eye. The colour of your room mostly comes from the polaroids stuck to your wall—you and Ten at your high school graduation dancing to Nicki Minaj, Yukhei and you looking done holding the caricatures Ten painted of you, Sicheng and Ten and you after your first theatre performance together. There are so many smiles that you end laughing, a little crazy with the sound. Perhaps spring isn't as far as you think it is. Perhaps you will be okay.

Everything has an end. You know that. It hurts so fucking bad.

Ten was right. Because it hurts this bad, you know it meant something now. It meant the whole world to you. Winter tumbles upon you at full force even as you hold autumn dearly in your arms.

//

This time, you close your eyes to find yourself in a field of dahlias. The dream is meandering with colours and sounds so quiet that you feel like you’re stuck in time. Then a loud vibration resounds throughout the field; it is not a field at all. 

You are sitting atop a bed of stars, in the belly of something much larger than you are. There is a place in the universe for everyone but you cannot find yourself in it. 

So you sit at the places you’ve always known, at gardens and children’s parks, waiting till your hair turns grey and your skin starts to wrinkle. Time flows around you, faster with each second but you sit so still that you're not breathing anymore. You're so jealous of those who move, dance and play. Does it have to be this painful? You don't want to be all these people in your dreams. You want to paint your own mask.

The world is so busy and you are completely still. You think of sunshine in New York and how he must be loving it and for a moment, your plastered lips quirk upward. 

When you wake up, Ten is on a flight to New York with a text that reads: "I'll come back. I promise." The sunset after a farewell—even you understand the beauty of it and so, you watch him chase his dreams into the sunset.

act iii scene iii.

You know an ending scene when you see one. It’s the only scene you didn’t end up sleeping through. But this doesn’t feel like one, no matter how deep the despair runs through you. This third act love was never supposed to work out and yet, something is amiss.

Ten doesn’t come back even when the billboards proudly show his face and he’s the star of the show. In your opinion, he always has been. But people get comfortable in the present, sink their feet into it, and when they do, they forget the past. 

The world spins at a thousand miles per hour but nothing seems to move for you. Everything stops and life goes on.

epilogue.

Your youth starts to run out.

Sorrow grows into anger, then into resentment. You’re not sure what you hate so desperately but you hate it nonetheless. You’re pissed and you don’t know what to do with yourself except wake up shaking and wanting to shout and cry at the world. You were supposed to have Ten by your side even then. Even when you’re against the world, he was supposed to be there. Now you’re all alone in a world that’s crashing and burning, in a world of your own making and in a world that is no longer in the palm of your hand.

You wish you were an angrier person, you wish you could curse and scream and fight as easily as they do in movies. At least he didn't make a villain out of you when he left first. 

You don’t really have nightmares anymore though. When you have nothing to lose, you start to fear less. You tend to a little garden of your own making after Mr. Yang passes away. There’s a quiet funeral and a will written with your name on it. You did spend most of your time there after Ten left. It’s your flower shop now and you can tend to whichever flowers you want to keep alive.

Sometime in your late twenties, you get a call from an old friend. You meet Doyoung at a coffee shop near the college he went to, and he tells you he got your number from Yukhei that night you met. He says he’s glad your number hasn’t changed in all these years—he found it going through his contacts. You find it cute the way he becomes flustered when trying to explain himself. He’s a lawyer now, finished all those tough years to complete his dreams.

It makes you smile. You think that dreams shouldn’t be kept in a bottle but your shelves are full.

You go on dates at the cutest new cafes and the most ambient restaurants, sometimes to amusement parks so you can laugh at his fear of scary rides. It feels like having a friend once again and you cheer up for the better. 

But Doyoung doesn’t understand history the way you do. He doesn’t understand a lot of things—but it’s not something you expect anyway. He’s rich and he doesn’t know what small towns are like. You think you can be in love again. He proposes to you on a yacht and you nod, paralyzed from your fear of the ocean. Your parents are so happy for you that for a brief time, you feel happy too in the shadow of their joy.

You don’t visit your hometown anymore after the wedding. You don’t visit theatres at all.

Sometimes you remember the night at the rooftop after the party with Ten and smile. But it was one night, one thing you did in a lifetime of nights and things you did. It dawns on you just then that loneliness makes you fragile, fragile enough to push people away instead.

Every time you close your eyes, you’re still dancing with him on the rooftop below the stars that are yet to fade from your memory. You now pick wilting flowers at a wilted garden.

“A play?” you ask, confounded. Doyoung has never been one for theatre.

"Your mom said you liked theatre," Doyoung answers, eyes inquisitive.

"Did she now?"

He smiles. "If you've grown out of it—"

"No. No, I've always wanted to watch a show on Broadway."

"That's settled then."

You start to understand the meaning of this place to Ten. You haven't called him in years and you didn't keep in touch after the first year. Life was as busy for him as it was still for you and you understand some of it now. After all, who would ever want to leave this place?

Being a part of the audience runs a chill up your back, with certain memories drawing to the surface of your thoughts as you sink into the seat. It's a popular musical but you can't say you've ever heard of it. Time runs differently in your little bubble. 

It hurts just about as much as you expect it to. Watching Ten on stage hurts so bad you almost look away. The nostalgia scratches at your throat, filling your head with memories you shouldn't be entertaining anymore. You should've kept in touch. You should've done something. You were friends before everything else.

All you want from him now is forgiveness. You’re fine with loving him quietly. You’re fine with loving him quietly. You’re fine with—

You start to cry before you can do anything about it. Doyoung doesn’t notice beside you, dozed off already to the soft orchestral music.

You must seem delirious, mourning as though you’ve buried a loved one. With a shaky breath, you force yourself to look. It is the tombstone of your childhood love that stands on stage. You were rash. You were so, so young and rash. Your lips tremble again and you cry, chest rising and falling as you remember something so forgotten that it seems a dream, something so warm that’s now six feet under in the cold ground. You mourn.

But he seems happy—and that's all you ever really cared about. That's all you should have cared about.

The play ends on a wonderful musical note and you find yourself in better composure. Shaking Doyoung awake by the shoulder, you look at him expectantly. He seems partly embarrassed to have dozed off and partly apologetic.

"You want to meet Ten?" Doyoung asks quietly.

You blink in surprise.

"You grew up in the same town, right?"

"Yeah… Yeah, we did."

Doyoung smiles. "We went to college at the same place."

"Oh, I know. Most everyone from my town goes to college there actually."

Doyoung hums. 

"He invited me, actually," he says after a while.

"Oh."

It hurts only a little that he didn't invite you first. Did all those years mean nothing beyond a little romance? If you were years younger, you could be chiding him for it. If he were years younger, he would greet you with a Cheshire cat smile.

Backstage smells of sweat. A little perfume and powder but mostly sweat. You know that already. It's just that even the backstage here is grand. 

Ten looks as pretty as ever, even with half the makeup off his face. He looks as pretty as billboard posters, where he was meant to be, and in smiling Instagram posts and articles about how perfect his smile is. He's pretty but in a different sort of way.

Ten doesn't seem surprised. In fact, he greets the two of you with a poster smile. 

"Doyoung," he says first. "(Name). I hope, no wait. You guys better have liked that."

Doyoung laughs. "You'll bully me into liking it even if I didn't."

Ten rolls his eyes. "Law makes you so boring. Or maybe you were always boring."

Doyoung sighs, shaking his head. "Not everyone wants to be the life of the party. There's quite a bunch of wild stories about you on the internet."

Ten snorts. "I don't know why but you saying 'the internet' makes you sound thirty years older."

"There's no arguing with you, is there?"

"Learnt from the best."

You clear your throat. "If the two of you are done with your homoerotic banter…"

Doyoung chokes the same time Ten makes a gagging sound. What the two of them have in common is that they easily become flustered around you.

"I'm going to go wash my face." Doyoung excuses himself, exiting the backstage. 

In any other time or place, it would be fine being just the two of you.

"Ten," you acknowledge. "You look good."

"I always do."

You roll your eyes. "You don't have to mask everything with humour."

"Like you did?"

You fall silent.

“Does it hurt?” you ask.

“It does,” he whispers before raising his voice something more audible. “When I look at your—our old pictures, it does.”

"You've kept them?"

"Of course."

You look at your feet. The reality settles. You’re not going back to the way things were. You’re married to another man. Ten’s not in love with you anymore. If you had taken the step forward back then, if you had kissed him before he took that step back—would things have turned out differently? 

The stars will now gaze at lonely rooftops and empty flower gardens—an audience you never wished to entertain. But now, you're glad to have been part of his play, part of the play you made together.

“Are you happy these days?” he asks. There is no malice, no resentment in his voice.

“Almost,” you answer. “There’s just one thing missing.”

To ask for forgiveness does not mean erasure. You can't move on by letting it go and pretending it was never in the palm of your hand.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t me,” you say quietly, rubbing your forearm.

Ten smiles. “We were a little confused, I think. We wanted to be loved, appreciated and found the easiest way.”

You smile back. “Yeah. It was always easiest with you.”

Ten pauses, looking around with a familiar feline look in his eyes before whispering, “So, Doyoung? Really?”

You straighten, crossing your arms. “He’s really nice. And he’s always asking me how I am, what I ate, and he buys me all the soft toys I want. And he’s a better kisser, by the way.”

Ten places a hand over his heart in mock indignation. “Now, we both know that’s not true.”

You roll your eyes before a short giggle turns into chuckling into laughter, and the two of you find yourself with smiling eyes, the look of childhood on your faces and memories unkempt. 

It is better to grieve than to never have loved anyone enough to. 

It doesn’t hurt anymore but maybe it stopped hurting a long time ago. But it meant something to you, meant so much to you and that's all that makes sense now.

notes.

the words to the play at the beginning of act i scene i is taken from tang xianzu’s preface to his own play, the peony pavilion, however they are not exact quotations. the graveyard scene and the “when everything is gone, i want it to hurt” dialogue are inspired by indie game night in the woods by infinite fall studio and i love that game pls check it out if you have the time and money!!

[damselofblueroses]

The Name of the Rose

Summary: Your study-buddy Doh Kyungsoo comes with you for a long-awaited trip to Tokyo, Japan. There is a tension between you, however both of you decided to build a friendship instead of a relationship.

Content: Unestablished relationship, AU, Hurt/Comfort, Anger, Slight Violence, Emotional Complications and Healing.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story was inspired by D.O.’s album, Empathy, the album of 2021 in my opinion. It is an ongoing mini project, I planned to write it as a one-shot when I started, however I realized there are a lot to say about Empathy Era and I cannot stop shut my mouth, or prevent myself from writing… So, here we go.

Second chapter, the Hunter and the Goddess is out :)

Word Count: 3.6k

Chapter 1: The Hunter and the Gazelle

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.

You were excited.

No, it was not the correct word to be used. You were hyperactive, more than your usual self, and God knows that everyone could testify on how hectic your personality was. According to your family and very close friends, you were a walking catastrophe, funny but a fucking tease and potentially dangerous for environment.

And now, as you had been waiting for your flight, you could not manage to even stay still. Your hands were everywhere, you proved yourself again by dismantling your tote bag as poor thing was on your lap and you were playing with it unconsciously.

“Enough.” you heard your companion’s baritone voice tone. “If you will continue like this, you have to buy your belongings again in Japan. Do you have that much money?”

He reached to you and took the bag from your lap. For a second, his fingers brushed your thighs, and you lost your concentration during that fucking second.

Focus! you told yourself.

“I can always lend some money from you.” you cocked one of your eyebrows. “What? Will you bare me from some bucks?”

“Yes.” he was always plain and simple. On the contrary of you. “Unless if it is not a necessary. I am not a guy of sharing.”

What type of guy you are, can you give me a demonstration?

Your trip to Japan made you very excited, but you had to confess at least to yourself in the depts of your mind. What made you frenzied was the presence of your companion.

Doh Kyungsoo.

Your long-term study-buddy. Actually, he was more than a study-buddy, he was a kind of your comfort zone, even though you never express your opinions about him. You have known each other for almost 7 years since the last year of bachelor. Both of you continued your ways in academic world and you were currently being Ph.D. candidates.

To be honest, he never lose his impacts on you. You had a sweet spot for him since almost the beginning of your friendship which made him more than a study-buddy. It did not mean that you were restraining yourself from having dates time to time, but all of them were ended up with the same result.

They were clever and handsome guys, but they were not Doh Kyungsoo.

Sometimes you could not help but wonder, how it would be if you did not meet him as a friend? Could you two manage having a relationship as your best friend, Baekhyun, supported like a bloody zealot? Or one of you would give up as your brother, Jongdae, always believed?

“Hey!” you heard Kyungsoo’s voice and jumped off from the bench. “Come back to your senses or we are going to miss the plane.”

“And you are going to take its money from me.” your murmured inside of your mouth but obliged to what he said by starting to walk. He was generally quiet during flights, but you knew his mouth will not be shut when you will visit the restaurants he wanted to try.

He does not come for Tokyo, he comes for fucking eels, octopuses, or crabs. Kyungsoo and his appetite.

“Naturally.” he approved your words on money, but there was a ghost of smile on his lips. “Since you are the one who became a sleeping beauty.”

Do you think I am beautiful?

This was another problem you had. With Kyungsoo, you were so relaxed, and you felt extremely safe, so you did not need to control yourself as you generally did. Of course, it was a good omen for your friendship, as much as you were sure Kyungsoo never lied to you, it was also a disadvantage on your part, because sometimes you wanted to ask some questions that should be remained in silence.

“If we would be fairy tales,” you smirked. “I would be Belle while you are the Beast.”

“Fine by me.” he shrugged his shoulder. “He is a very good guy. I am happy for Belle; she understands the assignment. You would not most probably.”

“Sweetheart, you are slow to catch the signs.” you playfully smacked his shoulder when you reached to the control point. You thought he would be annoyed, but he stopped and seriously gazed at you. You shivered and wondered why he was looking at you like he wanted to say something.

“What?” you inhaled.

“Since when I am slow to catch the signs?” he pressed on every word of his sentence, and to your dismay he used that voice tone, almost a whisper but goddamn strong. “Give me an example.”

You shuttered down, and this was the last problem you had with Kyungsoo, he was the only one who could make your brain stop working especially in times when the occasion calls for full-speed devilish progress. You just stared at him and shrugged your shoulder.

“Eh Soo,” you murmured. “You missed a lot of beautiful girls, right?”

Your response was so weak even to your ears. If Chanyeol, number two best friend of you, could hear your words, he would burst into laughs by hitting everyone beside him. You could imagine Junmyeon’s disgusted face as a plus.

“I did not miss anyone, my dear.” he chuckled. “Let me rephrase, anyone I want just one exception, but exceptions do not ruin the calculation in your famous mindset.”

When he chuckles, you can feel your blood tension rocks your body. His heart shaped lips does something to you, and you do not want to name it.

“Exceptions run the world, Doh.” you tried to push him to elaborate his words a little bit more. “Who is that lucky girl who run away from you?”

“That’s my secret.” he smirked and put his hand onto your waist in order to led you the controller lady. “Show your passport, I do not want to wait here forever.”

Who was the girl he mentioned? You could not help but started to feel anxious, how much you tried to press your instincts and feelings, whenever he mentioned a girl, there would be a dire need of crying in the pit of your stomach. You took a deep breathe and followed his instruction. While you were walking into the inside of plane, you struggled with the sudden sadness. You wanted to tear that off yourself, so you reminded yourself the splendid trip ahead you. You found your place and processed to sit down.

“May I help?” Kyungsoo asked you but he already fetched your belongings and placed them correctly. You smiled to him and sat down.

How could you meet someone like him? He was a little bit grumpy sometimes, a person who could give unexpected reactions, but he was reliable, kind, lovely and always thoughtful of his environment. You did not want to lose him. You never want to lose him, on the contrary, you want to keep him in your life until the very end. You could not think a life without Kyungsoo, you always desire him to stay your side.

You were pretty sad, you had to admit, and there was regret. You were regretful on your decision to not go further with him, you wished you could be braver and tell him about your feelings for him. How much you were confused because of him, how many days and nights you spent sleepless because of him. To make the things more complicated, you had zero idea about how he would be responded your confession if you pull yourself together and manage to do. For once, you heard his cousin Minseok talked about you by saying you were very important for Kyungsoo, however you did not know in which extent you were important for him.

You two were always closed to each other, you spent almost 3 or 4 days together, you were living in the same campus, your departments were close to each other. He was a huge part of your life, that’s one of the reasons why you were hopelessly trying to conceal your inappropriate feelings for Kyungsoo. The idea of losing his extremely valuable presence was the only scenario could make you sob.

“Am I the only one who is very uncomfortable?” he whispered to your ear and made your stomach twisted. You could kill him for this, but he was not aware of how he affected you. “You are deadly silent.”

“No, I am just thinking.” you run away from him like an Olympic athlete. “About the trip. I am very excited.”

“If you are,” he flinched your forehead. “You have to talk non-stop. You are silent when something bothers you, what are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing, Soo.” you found a smile from somewhere and presented to him. “You know I never find the chance of visiting Japan; I am really overwhelmed.”

“So, speak to me.” he grunted. “Do not act like I am not here.”

“Okey, okey.” you raised your hands to air. “Sorry for that.”

“I start to feel like I am disturbing you.” he turned his head to the Name of the Rosethat he was reading. Umberto Eco, he had a taste for everything of course. “I asked you twice if you are okey with going to Japan with me.”

You could laugh if you were not so tense since he mentioned girls.

“And I told you this is okey, Soo.” you pinched his upper arm. “You are a good companion for trips.”

“Only for trips?” he asked. What the fuck was wrong with Kyungsoo today? He was behaving weird, and his questions made you more baffled. “I thought I am good companion for everything.”

You bit your lips in order to send back the sudden answer you wanted to give. Instead of declaring your ignorance about his performance on everything, you refined your words.

“You are a good friend, Soo and sorry for making you feel unwanted. I am happy you are coming with me.”

“Hm.” he hummed but he did not look like he was satisfied with your answer. You decided to not think about what the heck he wanted to hear, you also turned to your book that you were supposed to read since the departure. At least Pavese helped you to collect your mind till the plane landed in Narita Airport. He helped you while you two took a cab for the way, he was acting like his usual self, so you accused yourself because of searching hidden messages in his questions. You were such an idiot.

“I will be seeing you at dinner.” he waved his hand when you finished the registration process of the hotel you would be staying for the week. You were in front of the elevator. Both of you already decided to take a nap before dinner when you were planning the trip, so you approved his words and took your keys.

“See you.” you smiled and walked to your room. When you opened the door, your smile widened, the room is so light and minimalistic as you really liked. There was no crowded furniture, crazy designs, or unnecessary modifications. The walls were light blue, the furniture was white, and all looked very harmonious. There were plants and flowers, you immediately run to the flowers as you loved them more than anything else. The hotel staff managed to place even Sakura blossoms into the room that made your heart flattered and smoothed your nerves.

And there was only one blue rose, which was your favourite flower in the world. Just one, between a bouquet of daisies and it looked magnificent. You leaned to smell it while smiling as a little freak. You did not have to see your face; you knew how you looked like. Chanyeol always said that when you see a blue rose, you lost your shit. Another creature made you drunk in happiness was white butterflies. You had a sweet spot for blue roses and white butterflies.

And for Kyungsoo.

You grunted to yourself in your mind, and you headed to the bathroom by tapping your feet to the ground harshly. You were done with your obsession with Kyungsoo, it became something out of control, and you were tired of yourself at this point.

You had to live your goddamn life, you had to stop fucking fantasizing about your study-buddy.

You stripped out from your clothes and jumped into the shower. Cold water helped you to take the control of yourself, both as physical and emotional. You were okey, you were in bloody Japan as you always wanted, and you were going to fucking enjoy it. After shower, you threw yourself into the bed, tucked yourself inside the blanket and set the alarm for one hour later.

After one hour, you were swearing at yourself with your very glorious vocabulary because the only thing you did was fantasizing about Doh Kyungsoo.

“Did you rest?” he asked to you while you were leaving the hotel. You held your growl inside. “Did you take a nap?”

“I did not sleep but I leaned down for a while, so it was good. You?”

“I slept like a baby. It was very interesting when you think I am more like an insomniac.”

“I guess, your insomnia is rubbing on me.” you grumbled. “Where are we going now?”

“Eh, at least something about me can rub on you.” he rolled his eyes, your chin was dropped due to his response. “There is a tiny noodle restaurant in Ebisu, but they are very famous. We are going to there.”

“Okey.” you nod and walked beside of him.

“You look very pretty.” he turned to you. “That dress looked very good on you.”

You instantly took a look on your navy, long dress. It was very comfortable, but also elegant and your fashion freak cousin persuaded you the colour and style gave you a

“Thank you.” you replied. “Sehun chose this for me, you know he is the chef kiss when it comes to fashion.”

“He did well.” he smiled. “How is Sehun by the way, I did not see him since ages. Did he come back from France?”

“No.” you pouted. You really missed your noisy cousin. “He just came to visit for a week, then came back to school. I am not sure if he will come back to be honest, he got some important invitations from European universities.”

“Very good.” Kyungsoo’s face was lit up. He was proud of Sehun. “I know you miss him, but he has a bright career ahead of him.”

“Yes, I know.” you also smiled. Thinking about your successful but extremely playful cousin made you happy. “I just worry about him.”

“Stop babying him.” Kyungsoo punched your arm as half serious half joke. “How old is he, 27?”

“Yeah.” you laughed. “I know I baby him very much, but we all do, Kyungsoo.”

“You are just one year older than Sehun.” he smirked. “Who is going to baby you?”

“Chanyeol.” you exhaled. Kyungsoo looked at you for a second, then both of you burst into laughs because it was well known that you also took care of Chanyeol and Baekhyun as well as Sehun. “Jokes aside, I am a strong and big girl, Kyungsoo, I do not need someone babying me.”

“Maybe you can start looking for a sugar daddy to baby you?” he cocked his eyebrows to you. “Before it is going to be too late?”

“Actually, I had some candidates in my pocket.” you devilishly beamed to him. “You have no idea.”

“Beg your pardon?” his face suddenly transformed from joy to deadpanned seriousness, and his smile was disappeared immediately. “I was joking.”

“I was not.” you blinked your eye. “Some people really proposed to me.”

“For being your sugar daddy?”

“I know I am very little in your eyes, Kyungsoo” you took a deep breathe before continuing. “But here the breaking news: some people could find me attractive.”

“We are not talk about usual dates or men.” he held your arm and turned you to himself. “If you receive this kind of proposes, you have to tell me.”

“Next time, I will report you so we can decide who is going to be my sugar daddy.” you poked his ribs while he burrowed his eyebrows and radiated a strong sense of discontent. “Come on Kyungsoo, I am not going to say yes to this type of proposes, what do you think about me?”

“We are always joking about this issue,” he looked like he was cursing beneath his breath. “But when it comes to you and Baekhyun, I always suspect if you are serious or not.”

“Sugar daddy is a joke.” you hissed. “Of course, it is a joke, I have no interest in having a sugar daddy.”

“What about the proposes? Are they real?”

“Well, they are.” you murmured. Suddenly, you felt like the table was turned and you just played your ace card too early. You felt like Kyungsoo’s eyes investigated your soul to the bits.

“How many?”

“Three.” you gave up. “One from faculty, two from outside.”

“Unethical son of bitches.” he lowly cursed and caught you off guard because he generally preferred to use more polite words, even if he was cursing. “Keep them away from yourself.”

“Oh really?” you teased him by hoping to break the strange tension between you and managed to put a little smile on his face.

“Stop mocking me.” he warned you but now he was smiling widely. His mouth became a heart again, this time you averted your eyes from his face.

“Who I am to dare mocking you?” you squeaked but it was fake.

“Oh, you mock me more than even that walking noisy machine Baekhyun.” he flicked his hand. “We have to stop at this station, Ebisu Garden Place is on the way.”

He put his hand onto your waist again, and you felt like electrocuted again. Every time he touched you, and unfortunately, he sporadically did, you felt like you are dying for more. More what? You were not sure what you really wanted from Kyungsoo, but you were certain on you were desperate for more of him.

More of him.

The bus was crowded, Kyungsoo led you to a little corner, and stayed in front of you. He could be a little bit protective when it came to crowded places since you were clumsy, he generally insisted to keep you close to himself in order to catch you, if you would lose your balance, so you did not surprise when he held your wrist.

What made your heart to do a perfect all kill type of somersault was his next move, his fingers did not stop on your wrist, on the contrary they moved into your palm and grasped your hand tightly. You raised your eyes to him, he never hold your hand, never ever.

“I want to be sure.” he whispered by catching your question before you ask. “Since both of us do not know the way, and the bus is full of passengers, this is more secure.”

“Ah.” This was the best of you at the moment. You quickly realized what the heck you said but Kyungsoo sometimes can be quicker than you.

“Why? Are you unsatisfied with the reason?” His dark brown eyes were shining, his perfume smelled fucking good and the proximity between your faces did not help you.

“Why should I be?” you had to be back to play as soon as possible. “I grant you the chance of holding my hand, that’s count as charity.”

He looked at your hand for a moment, and you saw a smile formed on his lips and instead of a sarcastic reply as you expected, his eyes shaped like a crescent and shined as the fucking moon itself during a cloudless, navy night.

“Thank you, your highness.” he genuinely smiled. “May I continue to hold your hand?”

“Why?” the tone of your question was full of surprise, sounded exceptionally strange.

“Because I want to feel you.” he simply answered, and he squeezed your hand a little bit more. “For once let me feel you by my side.”

You knew that your eyes blown up, your mind was playing some tricky and dangerous games with you, you lost your shit, and you were sure about you finally made yourself mad because of your platonic interest in Kyungsoo, but even if God himself would appear in the bus in order to stop you, that would be a fruitless attempt.

You held Kyungsoo’s hand.

If he wanted to feel you by his side, you could not refuse.

You never refuse Kyungsoo.

How could you?

He was the protagonist of your secret dreams, fantasies and your goddam powerful imagination.

He was your gazelle and you were chasing him since the first day you met.