#i cannot express how excited i am to keep building this life with them

[basil-eats-rocks]

My partner is so unbelievably wonderful and we've been talking a lot about the future. It feels so easy with them. They make these things seem doable, like I can actually get there and be happy. I love the way he talks about our future home, too. He and I are so dedicated to making a home out of wherever we end up, but he's especially excited to get a place with a yard for a garden and a dog and our future kids to play in. Late night fire pits and cozy summer hammocks. I love the world they're creating with me. I wouldn't ask for anyone else to paint it with.

[lilap20]

Chapter Five: The Dragon's Descent into Winterfell

Chapter five updated:

@koobratzy, @beebeechaos

What marked the marriage of the heir to the throne was the blood shed But also the King's illness showed itself to everyone, spitting blood and falling A few moons later, Lord Cregan Stark sent a Raven The King and his Small Council agreed, Princess Nymeria and Lord Cregan were to be married.

When I get up this morning my stomach is knotted with excitement and the hurried noises in the Palace make me smile, it's the day!

I'm going to go north with my ladies, my sister and her husband for my wedding. Port Réal and Winterfell have been in contact for several moons discussing the preparations and the number of guests, not being close to Cregan during the preparations is my only regret, but I know he cannot go south whenever he wants , he has duties and the costs for such a trip would be overpriced.

All the Lords of the North will be present, my uncle and aunt Corlys and Rhaenys, Queen Alicent who will represent my sick father, my dear sister and her husband.

My heart sinks thinking of Daemon and Leana, they should be there, but I know that my cousin is waiting and that Daemon prefers to keep her in Pentos and then leave for Drithmark, I don't blame him, he takes care of her wife and would not want her to have any worries during her pregnancy which is admirable.

-Princess, are you up?

Talyssa opens the door, peeking her head in then smiles when she sees me sitting with a dreamy smile on my face.

-Happy ? Talyssa asks, sitting down next to me.

Her long red hair is held in a bun and her blue eyes shine, she is as happy as me, she is happy for me. She opens her arms and I fall into them, she strokes my hair while humming.

-Are you ready for the big trip? -I'll be on Dragon's back, Nightmares will quickly catch up with the boat, it won't be that long. -I speak of your long journey to the North, Nymeria.

The gentleness of his tone makes me nervous and happy at the same time, for three moons I prepared for my marriage to my new life in the North, but never, never have I felt so uncertain, I am sure of my choice but I'm scared.

-I'm ready, even if I'm a little scared. Will the Nordiens accept me? Will they be afraid of my dragon? And this heir thing.

I want children, but the labor is what scares me the most, my mother died from it, my grandmother died from it, it’s something that runs in our family.

-Everything will go well, Nymeria, you will see. Talyssa reassures me

I nod, slowly detaching myself from her.

-Okay, we need to prepare you for the long journey that awaits us.

I hide my mocking expression when I hear her, which earns her a frown.

-What ?

-You're the one who has to get ready, you're going up with me, remember?

Talyssa turns white, becoming as pale as a worm, I burst out laughing at her decomposition before getting up to head towards the bath that my ladies are preparing. The steam rises in the room and I shiver with pure pleasure as I slide in, savoring the heat on my body.

I don't do anything, everyone takes care of me, even Rhaenyra comes to help me in my preparation, she takes seriously her role as eldest nurturing me and making me laugh. I put on my riding boots that go perfectly with my black riding outfit and my side cape in the red colors of my House. A dragon head brooch sits in my braided hairstyle and another on my outfit.

-You have grown so much, Nymeria. Rhaenyra whispers as she finishes my braids

-Look who says that, I laugh and she does too

The wedding, Daemon and Leana, the noises of the court, everything changed her and made her mature building the folds on her forehead. She understood that even if she was named heir, she would have to fight for her throne and her place. And I will always be by her side no matter what happens.

-You are so pretty, he doesn't realize how lucky he is. She smiled, placing her hands on my shoulders.

-Oh I think he knows, I frown, I hope.

She laughs, shaking her head before helping me get up, her purple gaze turns to find my sword on my table with my compass, a gift from my uncle who never left me.

-He should be there, remarks Rhaenyra, I know he would like to be there for you.

The lack of Daemon will be felt for both of us, for her because they are linked by the same flame, for me because Daemon is my greatest confidant.

-He sent me a gift. I respond by going towards the package

Ser Erryck took it to me yesterday, I didn't open it I wanted to wait until the wedding day. The emotion touches my heart when I caress the package.

-Shall we open it? Rhaenyra asks curiously.

I smile wistfully putting down the package to look at my sister. I know she's curious about what Daemon bought me but that's between him and me.

-On my wedding day I will open it.

-It won't be long. Rhae grumbles and I burst out laughing

There is a knock at the door and my sister turns to give permission to enter, Talyssa stands up after folding the last item of clothing, Ser Erryck pokes his head in and we all greet him, my heart sinking a little when his gaze passes over me.

The love he has for me is just impossible to live with, my sister, may the Gods help her, is already in this kind of relationship and I can't attract problems while she can have them.

-Yes Ser? I ask with a shy smile -Departure is coming soon Princess, your father wants you in his apartments.

I nod following him as Rhae and Talyssa order the servants to take the packages leaving after me to head towards the Dragonpit. In the corridors I can hear Alicent's children bickering in the big court. Except for my little sister, I won't miss them.

-I hope everything goes well in the North Princess. Smiled Ser Erryck

-Well you'll be there to see it. I smile as I stand in front of my father's door

Ser Erryck's body goes rigid and he tenses with guilt on his face.

-What is happening ? I ask with apprehension

He looks away and my breath catches, don't tell me he's not coming? He cannot stay here, he is my knight, my shield, he swore to me, only me or the King can free him from his commitment.

-I will not follow you to the North. He confesses and my heart bleeds immediately

-I did not authorize you to leave your post, Ser Erryck. My voice trembles as I say it

He sighs visibly embarrassed and refuses to look at me, I don't like it when he doesn't look at me, I don't like it when his gaze doesn't find mine. He has always been my most faithful companion and my friend.

-You will be the Lady of Winterfell, your husband will be your knight, the King and Queen, I tense, have asked that I stay for Prince Aegon.

I close my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek, by the Seven, why do I have to separate from him? Alicent took Cole under her wings and now she takes Ser Erryck for her son. Is this provocation?

-I'm sorry Princess Nymeria, it was an honor to serve you. He bow and I let go of more than one tear

Without him expecting it, I rush towards him and hug him, wanting to stay like that as long as possible.

-Thank you for everything Ser, I will not forget you, I will send you a raven every Moon, I promise.

Stunned by my gesture, he hesitates to hug me back but decides to do so, crumpling the fabric of my riding outfit.

- Your adventure begins Princess Nymeria, be happy.

He gently separates from me, his hand comes to caress my cheek and wipe my tears, then he walks away, knocks on the door and announces me. I breathe through my nose looking melancholy at his silhouette, my father under the influence of Alicent sent him for Aegon, I dare to believe that he will be a little happy since his twin is also in the service of this kid.

-Enter my daughter.

I enter the room, standing in front of my father. He sits at his table with ancient Valyria before him, his work that he cherishes so much. I approach with my hands clasped in front of me, my father's tired but happy smile warms my heart, he gets up to walk towards me, but I stop him coming towards him, taking his hands and sitting down in front of him. him.

-You are so beautiful my daughter, the portrait of your mother. My father caresses my hand with a shy smile on his face

At the mention of my mother, my hand twitches in hers, it's a subject we've never talked about.

-I don't know what to tell you, he admits, you were so close to your mother, very little to me, he sighs, I wish she was there to say the right words to you.

Heading towards Dragonpit my father's words loop in my mind, he killed my mother and regrets but now we are left with nothing but tears. My mother would have loved to see this wedding, sick or not, she would have come to the North, she would have prepared me and she would have loved Cregan.

When I arrive my concerns disappear when I see Talyssa pale in front of the grandeur of Syrax, the golden dragon growls with happiness seeing Rhaenyra in riding gear with a bag hanging on her dragon's seal.

-Where is Nightmares? I ask my sister taking Talyssa by the hand

-Gone to steal, he's coming. I suppose.

Rhaenyra mounts her dragon which lets out a roar of pure pleasure which makes Talyssa jump, her face disfigured with fear as the dragon advances towards us. I don't move, squeezing her hand in mine to reassure myself, and I almost burst out laughing when she lets out a horrified cry at the powerful arrival of Nightmares.

Nightmares roars at Syrax, his hiss mixed with a loud growl almost makes me think of Caraxes. My dragon's head flies over mine, fearlessly confronting that of my sister. I automatically turn towards him to stroke his white scales so he can feel my warmth. Once done, he lowers himself towards me, his blue gaze in mine, his pupils becoming tender.

-Hello big guy, I’m glad to see you. I simper while caressing his neck

Talyssa nearly falls into the palms several times, standing between two dragons my best friend and lady-in-waiting frantically taps her foot on the ground from stress.

-I see we've already put the seal on you, I pull Talyssa towards me while talking to my dragon, look who's traveling with us.

Talyssa turns pale when she meets my dragon's gaze, he moves his head towards her, his fangs coming out to intimidate her.

-By the Seven, Talyssa swears in fear, I feel like a lamb offered to die.

I burst out laughing, stroking Talyssa's hand before bringing her to my dragon, he pulls his head back a little before gently bringing it back towards us, my best friend's fingers relax on the warm scales of my dragon.

-Oh… Talyssa marvels as our hands caress him

Her mouth forms a perfect O as she marvels at my dragon's reaction. After ten minutes of petting it, I take Talyssa towards the seal, using the stool I manage to climb on my dragon before offering my hand to my lady in waiting.

Nightmares groans as he feels both of us on top of him, he shakes his head as I secure our feet in the spears so we don't slip.

-Hold on to me, Talyssa. I command her and she clings to me like someone clinging to their life

I smile when I feel it, holding tightly to the front of my seal, Nightmares roars with happiness before hastily following Syrax who goes towards the end of the cliff without worrying about the guardians.

My blood pulses in my veins when I see Syrax let go of the cliff to fly away, Talyssa screams seeing that Nightmares does not slow down and does not open its wings to take off. Excitement shakes my body as we fall off the cliff. Talyssa screams as she holds me and I scream with joy as I feel the wind against my face.

In a minute Nightmares opens its wings and we hover in the air, the dragon kicks its wings to return to cloud level, Talyssa still holds me tight, my eyes probably closed.

-You can open your eyes Talyssa. -Are we stabilized? she asks scared -We always have been. I sigh, rolling my eyes to the sky

Then she slowly opens her eyes and an “oh” escapes her mouth when she looks down. Port-Réal is magnificent from below, life in the capital is more enjoyable from above. The wind is undoubtedly blowing our hair, I order my dragon to climb higher, above the clouds. Nightmares roared as he obeyed, we quickly caught up to Syrax and flew lightly alongside him.

-At this speed, we will quickly join the royal boats! Talyssa screams so I can hear her

-That's for sure, I respond, quickly stroking Nightmares, let's not waste time.

Giving Nightmares a little pressure I order him to go faster. And we speed through the clouds, heading north where my fiancé is.

The sea wind blows on my skin, and I breathe deeply while in front of me, the sun begins to hide behind the horizon. Nightmares dips his wings in the water of the Grelotte Sea, Syrax sends us fresh water while repeating his gesture which wakes up Talyssa. She had fallen asleep against my back and I did not wake her because the trip was quite long for her.

-We're going to catch up with the boats, they're right ahead! Scream Rhaenyra

Indeed I can see the emblems of House Targaryen in front of me, the black and red colors fluttering in the wind. I caress my dragon's ribs preparing to pick up the pace. We arrive at the port, and undoubtedly the Royal carriage has already been on the road for a few hours.

Nightmares hisses before rising towards the clouds Syrax follows him, growling behind him because of his speed gain. As I suspected, the boats have docked for a while, some of the carriages are now leaving. My gaze marvels at the beauty of the North, the fresh wind is different from that of the capital, the landscape is so different, more picturesque, less Royal and arrogant than in the South.

-The North is so beautiful. Talyssa whispers behind me

I can only confirm his words, Nightmares also seems to like it because he roars while gaining more speed, the roar must have probably alerted the inhabitants below and I laugh imagining their reactions.

Our two dragons are flying towards Winterfell, the center of the North, we pass over the woods, we fly over lakes, meadows, villages, and I just want to fly above the Wall.

-The carriages! Rhaenyra Scream

Indeed, they are just below us forming a long caravan, and my heart is beating hard. We're coming to Winterfell, we're coming to Cregan, I'm getting married.

My hands become clammy around the seal, my cheeks flush, and my heart races my dragon. Before us slowly appears the castle of Winterfell, I could cry with stress and excitement seeing the flags of House Stark. The Wolves float in the air and Talyssa caresses my waist to relax.

My heart beats in my throat as I lead Nightmares downward, bringing us out of the clouds, his arrival noticed by all as he roars, his large wings activate the wind. The residents gathered on both sides of the road look up to the sky, completely frightened by our two dragons roaring in front of them. My pride grows when I see their gaze fixed on the power of my House and makes me even prouder.

-That's wonderful ! I scream while discovering my future home

We fly over the ramparts, the inhabitants of the castle shout when they see us, and my heart races when I see Cregan below. My gaze stays on him and I'm sure his gaze is on mine.

-Another tour? asks Rhaenyra, completely captivated.

A roar surprises us and we see my aunt Rhaenys and my sister's husband, Leanor, arriving in front of us on their dragons Meraxes and Seasmoke.

The dragons pass each other while flying, undoubtedly providing an incredible and frightening spectacle when viewed from below. Meraxes roars at my dragon who likes to annoy him. My aunt calms her down by caressing her and smiling quickly at me. Talyssa is about to faint. Not wanting her to fall I walk away from the group of dragons, heading towards the large courtyard of the castle. Nightmares reigns in terror, its great wings kicking up dust, its legs and weight shaking the ground, and its roar makes onlookers recoil.

-Gevis. (beauty) I whisper to Nightmares to calm him down

My dragon shakes its head as it rises to roar one last time announcing my arrival. My dragon calms down by showing his fangs a little, he goes down and I go down first, helping Talyssa who is a little dizzy.

-We welcome, shouted the valet, the arrival of Lady Talyssa of Pentos and Princess Nymeria Targaryen, second born of King Viserys and the late Queen Aemma Targaryen!

When my name is announced, my whole body tenses up, fear, stress, and excitement becoming one inside me. Behind me Talyssa follows me looking straight ahead, forcing herself not to look around her.

When I stand in front of Cregan, my cheeks turn red. He is handsome, incredible even, he is dressed in black, his large coat on his shoulders, its attachment being the symbol of a Giant Wolf. He is impeccable, and I am coming out of a long dragon flight, my hair disheveled, wearing an outfit that is expensive but still a riding outfit. Great Nymeria print. I scold myself

-Welcome, Princess Nymeria, Lady Talyssa. Hi Cregan with a bow

After his gesture, everyone around him bows, clearly embarrassing me, I allow them to stand up. Once done, a smile floats on his face and I remove my glove, subsequently holding out my hand so that he can kiss it, he feels it trembling in his and caresses it with his thumb, discreetly moistening it. lips before kissing him. My whole body burns, my neck becomes hot and I fight not to look away when he sensually looks back at me.

May the Gods have pity on me!

-Thank you for your welcome, Lord Cregan. I respond by taking my hand back

-Princess, may I introduce you to my sister, Sara Snow.

Snow? A bastard, I say to myself automatically, my eyes wander over the young girl and I smile at her warmly. She has long black hair like Cregan, her cheeks are red from the cold and two black beads represent her irises. It's true that she looks like him, so when she approaches to bow to me I see the apprehension in her eyes and in Cregan's. They must think I would look down on him, that's what any nobleman would do.

I prove to them that I'm not just any noble and that I don't put anyone down by taking her hands and hugging them. My gesture surprises everyone and the crowd starts whispering behind my back. As if sensing my discomfort, Nightmares roared menacingly, instantly calming the crowd.

-I'm happy to meet you. I respond with a big smile

She returns my smile by stretching her apple-red lips.

-Me too Princess.

Night has fallen in the North, the party in our honor is still going on in the great hall of the castle when I decide to slip away and head towards the walls. I hug my fur around me blowing cold wind while observing the scenery.

The dragons are housed in a cave a few kilometers from the castle, I wonder if Nightmares is feeling well, if he's not cold or something. Then my thoughts wander to Cregan and our marriage. Tomorrow I will be married under the Old Gods, the Gods of the Children of the Forest, before a Heart Tree.

The Queen who arrived shortly after me will be the representative of the high crown, my sister the heiress and her in-laws accompanying her, but not Daemon. I sigh as I think about it, clutching his gift to my chest.

-It’s cold Princess, why aren’t you inside?

I turn around hearing Cregan's warm voice behind me, he walks towards me holding his fur close to him. I smile at him shyly, feeling this dragon fire in me when our gazes are detailed.

-I was observing the night, I answer, looking at my gift.

Cregan's gaze lowers to what I hold in my hands, inviting me to present it to me.

-It's a gift from my uncle Daemon. He apologized because he couldn't be at the wedding because my cousin Leana is expecting his child, so he sent me this gift.

-And you don’t open it? Ask Cregan

I sigh, turning towards the night, clutching the package to me.

-I prefer to open it tomorrow, this gift represents the sole presence of my uncle.

Cregan gently caresses my arm and I smile at him, willingly accepting his caress, he speaks in a low voice.

-Does your uncle mean a lot to you?

A dreamy smile floats on my lips thinking of him.

-Indeed, he is like a father to me, my father figure, when the King wasn't looking after me, Daemon was there, teaching me the language of Valyria, my history, helping me claim my dragon , flying with me, encouraging me in my quest to travel.

Daemon was everything Viserys couldn't be, and I wish he were there to take me to Cregan tomorrow instead of Leanor.

-I'm sorry the Prince can't come, Nymeria. Sighs Cregan pulling me towards him

I let myself fall into his embrace, sighing as I finally feel him against me, his body warmth is all I need, and when his gloved hand comes to caress the back of my neck my heart goes crazy. The nostalgia I had when thinking of my uncle evaporates, giving way to the gentleness and love of Cregan.

-I missed you. I confess hiding in his chest

A soft laugh shakes her and I vibrate under her.

-I missed you too, woman.

I lightly tap his chest with a fake annoyed look on my face.

-I'm not your wife yet Cregan, I reply with a mocking smile, wait until tomorrow evening to call me that.

His amused face disappears and becomes playful and seductive when he brings his lips to mine, my hands tremble against me when I feel let him rub his nose against mine, his two-tone irises in mine.

-Oh, but that’s all I’m waiting for, Princess. Smiled the Wolf, showing his canines

My heart soars when I realize that it refers to our wedding night, our bedtime. My cheeks, my neck, my body become as hot as fire, as red as blood. I look away, prey to strong carnal emotion.

-This is terribly inappropriate. I whisper in a low voice

Cregan's laughter bursts into the night making it less silent and I smile stupidly as I feel him bring me to him, his chest vibrating with joy at my back, his chin above my gray head.

-To my sweet Princess, I can’t wait to call you mine.

[nuria-schnee]

Hi! ❤️ In this week's sneak peek, Edwin and Niko have a conversation about how things are with Charles!

The girls had returned from IKEA with many boxes and another considerable amount of shopping bags. Niko was a bit fixated on making the flat habitable, and Charles was excited to help. Edwin thought it was a bit of an excuse to focus on something that wasn’t the current situation and get out of the agency. The simple thought of Charles feeling suffocated in his presence worried him excessively. However, he didn’t want to complicate the situation further. Whatever Desire had shown him, Charles wasn’t prepared to share it with Edwin. If he ever did. In the end, Desire clearly stated that whatever it was, Charles wanted to keep Edwin from knowing its specifics. Possibly to spare his feelings, which would be very Charles-like. Edwin would have been a fool to expect his confession to change anything. Of course, deep in his heart resided the selfish, fanciful desire for Charles's love to be like his own. He couldn’t help it consume him at times, and he was past repressing it. What he hadn’t been able to bear was Charles not knowing how deeply loved he was, how deeply Edwin loved him. His intention had never been anything but that.

Keep reading under the cut!

“Edwin?”

Charles hadn’t mentioned what was happening with Crystal either. He saw them kiss goodbye in Port Townsend and never again since. Nevertheless, they still spent time together and seemed somehow even closer now. Right then, as Edwin helped Niko in the bedroom, he could hear them bicker good-naturedly about how to build a table. Edwin wondered, sometimes, if they were still involved romantically or not. He never dared to bring it up, guessing he shouldn’t pry.

Niko’s voice burst him out of his ruminations. He turned to look at her, who was mid-folding a pair of trousers.

“Are you okay?” She asked with a slight frown. “You seem a bit distracted.”

“I suppose I am,” he sighed, giving her a soft smile. “Forgive me. Were you saying something?”

“No. I just—” She moved closer to him, lowering her voice. “I’ve been meaning to ask— How are things with Charles?”

Edwin raised his brows at her, barely holding back his surprise. “Whatever do you mean?”

She leaned even closer, expression turning almost conspirational. “After— You know.”

At that moment, Edwin remembered he’d never specified who the boy to whom he’d confessed his love was. Even so, Niko was brilliant. Edwin wasn’t surprised she had figured out. He realised he didn’t mind, not really.

“Good,” Edwin said in a low voice, not sounding convincing even to himself. He finished folding the blanket in his hands and leaving it to rest over the bed. “He’s been very comprehensive.”

“Then, why are you so sad?” Niko asked. It should have hurt to have the issue asked so plainly, but Edwin found it relieving instead.

With a sigh, Edwin took advantage of the closed door and sat on the bed. Niko rushed to sit by his side. Tentatively, she reached for his hand, and Edwin interlaced his fingers with hers, giving her a quick glance.

“Is just that— Perhaps I was too naïve in thinking that confessing my feelings would not change things between us.”

Niko’s expression fell, her eyes turning unbearably sad. She squeezed his hand, moving even closer to him. Edwin turned his head to look at her, his gaze embarrassingly misty.

“I do not regret it. I do not think I could,” Edwin explained to her in a low, breathy voice. “However, I am afraid the knowledge may be burdening him now.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Since our incident with Desire, he has not been quite himself. He has been— A bit evasive. And I cannot help but think that whatever they showed him, he does not wish me to know. Which would not be a problem if I hadn’t the suspicion that is causing him some harm. It is not that I want to he would tell me everything immediately, but I made it worse somehow for him to tell me about important things in his life.

Niko hummed, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Are you talking about him and Crystal?” She whispered.

“For example,” Edwin breathed out in answer.

Niko was silent for a moment. “Do you think Desire showed him something about her?”

“I cannot know for certain.”

“Crystal told me they hadn’t been together since Port Townsend,” Niko told him and made Edwin pull back, looking at her with a frown for a second, recalculating the past months in his mind. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No,” Edwin turned his head, looking ahead, gaze fixed on the floor.

The confirmation that Charles hadn’t told him about it outweighed the relief he could selfishly feel about it. However, he would be a hypocrite if he got gloomy about Charles keeping things to himself, for whatever reason, when he was doing the same.

“It was freeing to tell him the truth, to admit it to myself. Nevertheless, I do not think everything is settled. I worry about how we have been keeping things from each other," he paused. "Perhaps I am just feeling stuck lately and giving it too much thought,” Edwin admitted with a sigh. “This case— Is not helping with that feeling, if I have to be honest.”

“Maybe you really need to speak to him. Also, I think a change will do you good,” Niko said, standing up without letting go of his hand, giving him a blinding smile. “Nothing major, just— Something to boost your mood a bit. Something new that makes you feel good.”

Edwin half smiled at her, reassured by her bright optimism. After thinking she was lost forever, Edwin was almost inclined to do anything she wished, only to spend time with her and let her know how much he cherished her perspective on things and her company.

“Of course, you are right. What would you suggest, then?” Edwin asked, charmed by how wide her smile turned at that, how she squeaked, already excited.

“What about— New clothes?”

LINKS

Index | First chapter on AO3 | Playlist | Trailer

[folkbreeze]

📩 Simblr question of the day: Do you have any blogs that make your day when they post? Mention them! Tell us why you like them!

ooof i have a lot! I've been keeping this in my inbox because i didn'twant to forget about anyone but... if i follow you know that your posts make me happy.

a little heads up, english is not my first language and when i get excited i forget how language in general works so... yeah, enjoy i guess

a long list under the cut:

@nihilismtrcit i haven't been around long and yet i instantly fell in love with Marnie, I miss her so much! I wish you a nice semi-hiatus tho, no pressure (but i miss you)

@peonypyxels do I really need to explain myself here like... the lights, the sims, the builds, THE TALENT!! I'm way too attached to your sims that sometimes i forget they're not my actual friends

@cowboycid it's cool to be really good at one thing and to be not so good at others, but you??? No you decided you were gonna be amazing in general. The lookbooks? Your sims? Your builds? All immaculate

@apricote have you seen those posts??? it feels like you're in a dream or watching memories and i live for it! I have to make a special mention to bby Fennec, he's such a cute little person

@weindenburg I want to live in your game with your little family and i dare say more, i want to hold baby tala in my arms! Also your cc is so good the only sad thing is that there isn't more of it

@mysticmoon-s my eyes are in love with your posts, every time i come across them i'm like how can see llike this in real life. And your sims are always so pretty!!

@ellcrze it's always so pleasing to see your posts, I'm not sure how you do it but they're so peacefull! And i can't even begin to talk about your youtube channel, I enjoy your videos so much!!

@softerhaze is there something you do that i don't like? The answer is no, in case there's any doubt. The soft warm vibes of your posts, your sims family, your amazing cc... ah it's all so nice

@pixelglam sometimes i wish i was one of your sims because they're always living the GOOD life and the good life only! Your lookbooks are really nice you have such amazing taste

@lucidicer sometimes you just need a random person you follow on tumblr to wish you good night and good morning. It's you. I usually don't have the energy to read text post but yours? no no i eat that as if i'm in the 90s and am reading a newspaper while taking breakfast. Also, your renders?????? hello is that real???

@sojutrait your sims are always like so. well. done. I have to admit i have a soft spot in my little heart for wyatt he's a little baby, sometimes i just randomly remember about him. I'm so excited for the monsters are due in Idaho!!

@birdietrait I trully love your sims, you somehow give each of them distinctive features and facial expressions and i can only sit back and admire your work!

@mattodore I wish I was Matthias so I could have Theodore love me and viceversa. Also, your posts feel like treats for when I come home all tired from a really hard day

@literalite uhm excuse me, are you sure it's legal to post works of literal ART here??? and without a warning? For real your edits are a spiritual experience and your sims feel more like actual people

@moonsyrups I've been seeing your pip legacy posts and !!!! i cannot express how much i love them, they feel so dreamy i want to be in them so bad, everything is so vibrant yet so soft, it's soooo good

@elmleif your postcard legacy challenge is so easy to love!!! Cillian and Saoirse are such a cute couple and Weston and Rowan... I have no words for them I just want them to life the happiest of lives.

@briteboy I already told you that my brain specifically remembered your posts from when I was around years ago, and i have reasons for it. Your posts are so cinematic and your characters are memorable (i was so happy to see santi again btw)

@softpine the emotional damage i get when i see your posts is equal to the happiness they give me ironically. Your story feels like it should be studied in literature classes and the things you create for it, wow, you're so talented!

[inkofamethyst]

January 30, 2024

Well, despite all the world suckyness (some of which might be impacting me and my graduate education yay), at least I've confirmed that my dnd-friend is down for Bico 2026 let's gooooooo

I went through a pitchdeck with her and we're SO locked in. I mean we need to come up with a timeline and start buying things and making things and figure out our travel/lodging arrangements (and learning french) but at the very least I know she's down which was a huge hurdle for cost, safety, and fun reasons. Like, yeah, I'd be willing to go alone. But it'll be infinitely more fun and slightly less expensive and significantly safer going with someone who is as enthusiastic about this as I am. While building my slide deck I was watching a ton of LARP videos to get screenshots and it seems like so much fun, I literally can't wait.

Today I'm thankful to have a friend like my dnd-friend. Both of us were first introduced to LARP separately through television depictions that were clearly meant to poke fun at the nerdy adults who dress up to whack each other with foam swords in the park, and it is so funny to me that we both went "yes that is exactly what I want to do with my time" and somehow managed to find each other and hold on to that secret desire. Eighteen months to plan.

I don't feel like I know the people in my current dnd group well enough to want to actually plan a trip with them, but if we're still playing in a few months the I may let it "slip" that I'm planning to do Bico next year. If any of them happen to also be there, it could be pretty dope. I just have no plans or desire to try to facilitate that lol.

I’ve recently realized that there’s something about cool-headed people that unnerves me to the point of completely unreasonable annoyance.  People who aren’t highly expressive give me the heebie-jeebies and for some reason I just really don’t enjoy being around that kind of person.  While I would certainly classify myself as an introvert, I’m definitely also pretty high-energy and I largely enjoy being around people who, well, match my freak, in a way.  Even as I try to keep my cards close to my chest in most interactions, I can’t help but be excited about the fact that I have cards in the first place, if that makes sense?  At least, that’s how I see myself.  Not that I’m hyperactive, just expressive.

…Maybe what I actually find frustrating about cool-headed people is that they appear to have achieved a serenity that I genuinely desire for myself.  I have wanted to be chill in some capacity pretty much all my life, but I cannot help that I am fairly high-strung.  Even while lying down, tension creeps into my shoulders and legs to the point where I have to consciously relax.  So maybe I’m just envious.

My Beara Beara bag came in and I'm in love. It's adorable, it suits my vibe, and I could not be happier. I think the black was a good choice; down the line I'll get some other dark brown purse, perhaps after I get some dark brown shoes. Very pleased with my accessory choices recently.

[jcmarchi]

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick Steps Down Next Week

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/activision-blizzard-ceo-bobby-kotick-steps-down-next-week/

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick Steps Down Next Week

Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick has announced he’s stepping down from his position on December 29. The news comes two months after Microsoft officially completed its acquisition of the developer/publisher. 

While it was previously announced Kotick would remain as CEO throughout 2023 to help ease the Microsoft/Activision transition, it had been believed (though not confirmed) that he would step down on January 1, 2024. Although his actual departure date is only a couple of days earlier, it means Activision Blizzard will be kicking off 2024 without Kotick at the helm for the first time in over 30 years. 

Microsoft has not yet named Kotick’s replacement. According to The Verge, several other Activision executives will be departing the company through March, including vice chairman of Blizzard and King Humam Sakhnini and chief communications officer Lulu Meservey, who leave in December and January, respectively. 

For now, the remaining leadership at Activision Blizzard, such as Vice Chairman Thomas Tippl, Blizzard president Mike Ybarra, and King president Tjodolf Sommestad will report to the recently restructured top brass at Microsoft Gaming, namely its president of game content and studios, Matt Booty. 

Kotick sent the following email to employees addressing his upcoming departure:

Extraordinary People,

Over the years, my passion for video games has often been attributed to Pitfall!, River Raid, and Kaboom!. I love those Atari 2600 games, but the game that first captured my imagination was Mystery House, developed by Roberta and Ken Williams. I played it on a borrowed Apple II night after night while in college at the University of Michigan.

Mystery House was a text adventure with some primitive sprite-based graphics. (Fittingly, we now own Mystery House and the company that published it, Sierra On Line.) The world in which the game was played was largely left to the player’s imagination. I envisioned rich, vast worlds with all sorts of interactive, animated life that would enable players to fulfill their varied aspirations—all in a simulated universe that offered unlimited possibilities for challenge, connection, and fun.

Forty years later, as my last day leading this company inches closer, I marvel at how far the talented people at our company have come toward realizing the great potential of games. You have transformed a hobbyist form of entertainment into the world’s most engaging medium. It has been the privilege of my lifetime to work alongside you as we broadened the appeal of games.

Perhaps the most important part of my job has been to help bring talented people together, provide the best resources possible, and foster an environment that encourages inspiration, creativity, and unwavering commitment to excellence.

I cannot adequately express the pride I have in the people who continue to contribute to our success and all those who have helped throughout my 32 years leading this company.

We are now part of the world’s most admired company. That isn’t an accident.

Phil Spencer has appreciated the magic of ABK for decades. When he approached Brian and me two years ago and proposed acquiring the company, it was immediately obvious that the combination of our businesses would enable us to continue to lead as the list of capable, well-resourced competitors grows.

Phil shares our values and recognizes our talents. He is passionate about our games and the people who make them. He has bold ambition.

As we move into our next exciting chapter, you could not be in better hands.

I will always be profoundly grateful to the people who contributed tirelessly to building this company and I am confident you will keep inspiring joy and uniting people through the power of play.

With gratitude and appreciation,

Bobby Kotick

Kotick became Activision CEO in 1991 and has spearheaded the company’s growth into one of the biggest publishers in the industry. Most notably, he led the acquisition of Vivendi Games, which led to the merger with Blizzard in 2008. Despite the massive financial success he engineered for the company, Kotick has been criticized for oversaturating the market with popular franchises such as Call of Duty and Guitar Hero. Most recently, he came under fire during Activision Blizzard’s sexual abuse/discrimination scandal that began in the summer of 2021, where he was accused of ignoring a number of employee harassment complaints for years, leading to many employees and fans to call for his resignation. 

In an email to Activision Blizzard staff discussing the organizational changes shared by The Verge, Xbox head Phil Spencer had this to say about Kotick’s departure.

Under Bobby’s watch, Activision Blizzard in its many incarnations has been an enduring pillar of video games. Whether it’s Call of Duty, World of Warcraft, Candy Crush Saga, or any number of other titles, his teams have created beloved franchises and entertained hundreds of millions of players for decades. I’d like to thank Bobby—for his invaluable contributions to this industry, his partnership in closing the Activision Blizzard acquisition, and his collaboration following the close—and I wish him and his family the very best in his next chapter.

What do you think of Bobby Kotick’s departure and what do you think it means for Activision Blizzard going forward? Let us know in the comments.

[thriday]

A set of questions and letters addressed to a particular 27 years old woman, 5 years from now

Yesterday, I re-read my message for myself last year and I want to update it annually here. So, I reposted the message here before I update later. And here it is

Well, Hello from 5 years ago.

It’s the night of the last day of Ramadan 1443 H, and finally, the pandemic is ending. This will be history. I am confused about what’s the highlight of the happening in this world, it’s too many because you know it’s easy to be viral and it makes me absorb too much information. But, it's okay. good things still coming.

I still doing my Skripsi and will be done in June 2022. Aamiin. I plan to get a Job, do my Magister in Sustainable Science, Build Businesses, or Get married after I finished my sarjana. Maybe we can do them but not at the same time.

are you losing weight? I plan to do more exercises after comeback from Umrah

I hope wherever you are, it’s where your heart feels belongs, and as happy as it can be.

After Eid, we will do Umrah. All members. Alhamdulillah. I love Ramadhan Vibes because we can meet each other every day. Abah is on the stage healthier and funnier, we can adjust his jokes and Mom too. Rizkiya going to University this year, Zidane losing weight to 20 kgs, Arifin is funnier and more expressive, and lastly Rasyad, of course, is more talkative he knows everything. anyway, the worst nightmare still happens, I hope when I replied to this Letter i didn’t talk about it again.

I hope everyone in this family always full of joy and blessing

Have you married your boyfriend? or breakup and been single with a happily live?

I’m just really looking forward to his and my future together, but whatever choices you both decide these 5 years, I’m pretty sure it will be decided in well-thought manners.

Are you have a job? or build some clothing and stationery business? or Do you build another business?

Anyway are you still managing the thriday account and more serious about talking about the book and design?

I get offered to be a volunteer in a book club, super excited.

are you still keeping in touch with your Highschool, University, and Pesantren buddies?

this is the last year in Alfalah, how’s life after you sign out from alfalah? is it good?

Okay, sorry for all these questions and wishes.

The thing is, I am desperate for my future and my after Dunya. Because right now, I am nothing but a mess in my mind. I understand how our life is a blessing, that God has given to me (I hope He still does to you too!)

These days I keep wondering, do I ever gonna finish my study? with me being a procrastinator, I don’t have any directions. thinking without doing it.

I keep practicing affirmation to help me gain confidence and beliefs, great and positives one. Doing more good deeds deep down will help me in the future. I tried to be more mindful of what God gives to us.

But still, I find myself wandering off, gazing out the window of our car, listening to music playing on my headphones, and journaling to tidy up the knots of my brain. Sometimes, these are days when I cannot get up from my bed. There are times I just feel motivated at 3 AM to clean up my bedroom.

And last but not least, are you feeling happy, blessed, and proud of yourself? Through these letters I might’ve put some expectations and goals on you, but for you to feel those three, are all that matters, and all I ever want from you. I hope you are happy, full of life, blessed as ever, and can finally feel confident about your being. I hope you’re loved, and that you can finally, fully love yourself. Do write me back, I want to know all your stories.

May 1, 2022

⠀⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ `· . ꔫ

[gender0bender]

ID: a photograph of a bald black trans man with black glasses and a grey beard sitting on a church pew, looking over at the camera held by someone on the pew behind him. His expression is relaxed and neutral. He is sitting with his hands rested on top of each other and wearing a red and white wtriped shirt, a ring on his left pinky finger, and a bracelet on each wrist. The background is a church behind him. ED. 

Intrview with Louis, a 54 year old trans man, taken from To Survive on This Shore, a series of interviews with older trans people.

In the last few years I have seen tremendous growth in the transmasculine community. Keep in mind that in my generation, the notion of community was almost an intentional causality to the process. You were supposed to move away, never let anyone know your history, and move into isolation in order to exist.  You needed to be heteronormative and have a specific way of being that fit the criteria of what this diagnosis is supposed to look like. So the notion of building community in that way… how could you if you don’t meet the standards? The notion that community is available to us is a relatively new phenomenon.  

That being said, I find that the majority of trans men of color choose to live non-disclosed, low- or no-disclosure for economic reasons, for safety reasons, and for family reasons. That is a perfectly viable choice, but it does make it difficult to build community, so some of us who are fully disclosed have to serve as the conduits to connect us to each other. We have a black trans men’s advocacy site on Facebook that has almost 500 members. There is a group that just started called My Brother’s Keeper in Atlanta. When I meet other men in transition, we have a discussion about whether they want to live out and open or low- or no-disclosure. It allows me to direct them to others. I think that is critical to build community, specifically among trans men of color. There are so many other oppressions and variables that trans men and trans women of color face that it’s not as easy as hanging a rainbow flag out your window. Well, how’s that gonna work? You gonna pay my bills? Are you going to walk with me everywhere I go and be my personal bodyguard? So the notion that “out” is always better assumes a safety that many of us, especially trans women of color, cannot count on.

I’m so excited that in a relatively short slice of history, a community has grown up around me of vibrant, creative, amazing people: men, women, and others who are doing such amazing work in the realm of spirituality, sciences, art, and politics. It’s like having a gazillion nieces and nephews and other kids and being really proud of all of them.  

Years and years ago when I was tiny kid I just wanted to grow up to be a husband and a father, but in that time and place it was completely impossible. So the notion that I have those things in my life now is nothing short of miraculous. And how many people in the world can say that the dream they had that was impossible, they are now living it? It is an amazing and surreal and awe-inspiring dream come true. So I am extremely grateful more than anything else, and I will continue to seek that gratitude in ways that I can and continue to be an example to people who are really struggling. The impossible is possible. Likely, maybe not. Easy, most defiantly not. But possible. So that is a joy and I will continue doing that until I kick the bucket.

[the-bau-quinjet]

My Name Isn't

Summary: You find out the guys (Bucky, Steve, and Sam) have a bet as to who can kiss you first, so you confront them at Tony's team building karaoke night.

Warnings: some swearing and drinking

Word Count: 3187

a/n: This was inspired by my love of the classic using karaoke to express your feelings trope and the song My Name Isn't by LOVA. I did change the lyric "yours" into "doll" though because it made sense in the story.

"Not a chance, Wilson." Bucky rolled his eyes as Steve walked into the room, unbothered by the familiar sounds of Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes arguing.

"C'mon tin man, you afraid you're gonna lose?' Sam couldn't help but tease the super soldier.

"It's a stupid bet! Steve tell him it's a stupid bet." Bucky stared at his best friend, silently begging for him to agree.

Steve's tone could only be described as exasperated when he responded, "what is it this time?"

"I bet Barnes and Noble over here," Sam stopped talking to dodge the book Bucky threw at him, "that I could get Y/N to kiss me before he could, and he's too chicken shit to take the bet."

"It's a stupid bet!" Bucky was gearing up to throw another book when Steve chimed in. "I don't know Buck, it could get you to finally act on your feelings for her."

Bucky rolled his eyes, responding with his typical denial "I don't have any feelings, punk."

Sam and Steve shared an obvious "this man is lying" look before turning back to Bucky.

"Fine, Cap since Bucky won't take the bet, will you?" The mischievous gleam in Sam's eye shown through as Steve weighed his options.

"It is a pretty stupid bet, but I'm doing this for you Buck." Clapping Bucky on the shoulder, he turned to Sam. "I'm in." As Steve went to shake Sam's hand, Bucky gave in.

"Fine! Fine. All three of us. The first one to kiss her wins." Bucky reluctantly agreed.

"Now, what does the winner get?" Sam posed the question, mischief clear in his eyes.

-

The first time you had an inkling that something was afoot was your training with Steve and Bucky later that same day. Steve wasn't overly touchy or anything that would make you uncomfortable, this is America's Golden Boy after all, but he kept calling you "honey" or some variation of it. You'd throw a punch and rather than correcting your form in his usual commanding Captain voice, he would feed you a random compliment followed by a "try it like this hun."

You left the gym confused and with more energy than one would typically have after training with Steve Rogers. Luckily for you, Nat and Wanda noticed it too.

"What was that about?" Wanda asked as soon as the three of you were out of earshot.

"I don't have a clue." Your expression of complete confusion was enough to convince the two women you were telling the truth.

"I always thought Barnes had a thing for you. I wouldn't expect Steve of all people to try to mess that up. Especially with how obvious you are!" Nat chimed in. You've never regretted anything more than getting drunk and admitting your feelings for the brunette super soldier to the two women.

"Ugh, are the two of you ever gonna forget about that?" Your question was rhetorical as you nearly slammed the door to your room, but it didn't stop the two women from shouting "not a chance" and "only if you tell him" through the door.

-

The second time you noticed the weird behavior was the next day. You were running through some basic defense moves with some new Shield agents when Sam walked in with Bucky.

Now, normally Sam avoids you in the gym because he knows you'll kick his ass. All your time spent training with Nat mixed with your advanced perception skills meant you are a force to be reckoned with in the gym. This time though, he asked to spar before running through his typical warm up routine.

"You sure, Wilson? I wouldn't want to bruise your ego any further." You joked with him, unsure of his motives.

"Oh I'm sure, baby. Do your worst."

So you did. You had him on the mat in 4 minutes even, not letting the "baby" comment phase you until later in the night when you were with Wanda and Nat.

"First, Steve keeps calling me honey. Now Wilson is in on it with baby! What the hell is going on?'

The three of you shared identical shrugs, choosing to ignore it for now in favor of girls night.

-

Your days continued with the random comments from Sam and Steve. Of course, after the first 24 hours you noticed a pattern emerging. The two men would only use the pet names if Bucky was in the room. If Bucky couldn't overhear what was being said, everything was normal, but all bets were off if he so much as stepped in the room. It was constant affection and compliments from the two men.

You were thinking about the pattern you'd discovered, along with what it could mean, when Tony barged into the common room like a man on fire.

He surveyed the room, noting the presence of nearly every team member. The only three missing? Sam, Steve, and Bucky. You had a feeling they were most definitely up to something. "Oh perfect, most of you are here already! I have decided we don't do enough team building. Saving the world is stressful and we deserve to relax, so... drumroll please!" He waited for an extended period of time, until you, Wanda, and Vision gave him a lackluster drumroll. "That could use some work, but I'm not going to let it bring me down. We're doing karaoke! I rented out a bar for tonight, so clear your schedules ladies and gentlemen! We start at 8."

To say he was met with mixed results would be underselling the range of reactions. Nat looked ready to kill him. Thor was so excited, he reminded you of a golden retriever playing fetch. Most everybody else fell somewhere in the middle.

"Y/N, be a dear and let the three stooges know would ya? I don't know where they are and I don't feel like finding them." Tony didn't wait for a response before leaving the room just as rapidly as he entered it.

"I guess that's my cue. I'll be back and we can at least get ready together?" You looked to Nat and Wanda for confirmation before leaving to find Steve, Bucky, and Sam.

-

You checked Sam's room first because it's the closest to the common area, but there was no sign of life. Steve and Bucky's rooms sat similarly untouched. You went to the gym, the pool, the game room, and circled back to the kitchen but they were nowhere to be seen. Finally, you gave up the impromptu game of hide and seek asking FRIDAY where they were.

"FRIDAY, do you know where Steve, Bucky, and Sam are?"

"Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, and Lieutenant General Wilson are on the roof." The AI responded so fast, it had you wondering why didn't just ask her 40 minutes ago when their rooms were all empty.

"What the hell are they doing on the roof?" You huffed as you made your way back to the elevator.

"They are the discussing the terms of their bet." FRIDAY's response surprised you. You hadn't meant to actually receive an answer, but now that you did you were curious.

"What bet?" You continued the line of questioning as the elevator rose to the roof access point.

"The three made a bet to see who could get you to kiss them first."

Suddenly, all the pet names and compliments made sense.

"Son of a bi-" You cut yourself off as the elevator door opened, leading you directly to the three men in question. They turned abruptly, clearly caught off guard by anyone coming to the roof.

"Finally. I've been looking for you three everywhere!" You kept the new found information to yourself for the time being. "Tony decided we're doing karaoke tonight. We're supposed to be at the bar he rented out by 8pm." You smiled, taking in the slightly guilty expressions on each of their faces. Even if FRIDAY hadn't told you, it would be painstakingly obvious you caught them talking about you.

"Thanks doll, we'll make sure we're there." You felt the butterflies in your stomach at the pet name, but quickly shut it down. You wouldn't be giving in to their bet that easily.

"No problem, see you boys soon." You winked, pressing the button to bring you back to the main floor. You had a plan to make after all.

-

"Well, it's karaoke why don't you just sing a song to call them out on it?" Wanda suggested another idea as you all got ready to head to the bar.

"That could work. You just need the perfect song." Nat chimed in, quickly applying some mascara.

"Wanda, you're a genius, and I think I have just the one." You grinned, pulling the song up to play while you finished getting ready.

-

Upon entering the bar, you immediately started second guessing your plan. That is, until the pet names came out to play. Sam was back at it with calling you baby, and Steve right there beside him with honey.

When you put your name down to sing, Wanda and Nat were right there with you, hyping you up and providing some liquid courage. Four drinks in and you finally felt just tipsy enough to actually follow through with your plan.

With the encouraging words from Nat and Wanda playing through your mind, you walked up to the stage, pulling up your chosen song on the karaoke machine.

You decided to play the beginning of the song off as a coincidence, not wanting to clue the guys in too early.

"One, two, three have been staring at me. It's been going all night."

You made eye contact with Nat and Wanda, fully relying on the feminist in you to knock these guys down a few pegs. By the time the chorus rolled around, you were ready.

Making direct eye contact with Sam, you put as much sass as possible into the next line.

"My name isn't 'baby,' you cannot say whatever you feel like. I am not the things you call me."

Switching your target from Sam to Steve, you kept going with the performance.

"My name isn't 'honey,' I will always do whatever I feel like. Honestly, you don't know me."

Clearly the three of them realized you knew about their bet, but you were on a roll. Switching focus to Bucky, you switched up the words a little bit to put him on blast as well.

"My name isn't... doll. My name isn't... doll."

The girls must have filled in the rest of the group, because you now had Bruce, Thor, Vision, Tony, Pepper, Clint, Wanda, and Nat cheering you on. They were whopping and hollering in agreement with the lyrics.

"We ain't got the time for you messing around so cut the deal."

"Cut the deal!!" You heard Tony yelling out as an echo, shaking your head with a slight chuckle.

"So don't come here and say, 'boys will be boys.' Behind every act there's always a choice."

The three men in question at least had the decency to look ashamed of their actions. Of course, that wasn't enough for you to not put them on blast through another round of the chorus.

The high from calling them out wore off right around the line:

"Do you really think that you can get your way by playing the same game."

Singing those words made you realize exactly what just happened. You held it together, put up a front long enough to get through the last chorus. Singing the last line to Bucky, you felt like your emotions were all over your face. The annoyance that the bet existed. The pain at him being part of it. The love you'd been trying to hide. All of it felt like it was right out in the open.

"My name isn't... Doll. My name isn't, my name isn't... Doll."

You took a quick bow in thanks for all the applause, before running off the stage. You didn't stop at the table with Nat and Wanda, nor did you stop for the three men trying to apologize. You made it outside, running about five blocks before even taking in your surroundings. Noticing a McDonald's, you sent a quick prayer that the ice cream machine was actually functioning before ducking inside.

-

The team stood with mouths hanging open at your sudden departure.

"What the hell just happened?" Tony posed the question to the group, knocking them out of their stupor.

Bucky was the first to follow you outside, his panic growing when he didn't see you leaning against any of the brick walls.

"Where is she?" Steve asked, spinning in circles right alongside Bucky while the rest of the group filed out the door.

"I don't know!" Bucky turned on Steve and Sam. "I never should have agreed to that stupid bet. Dammit!" Running his hands through his hair, he took off down the street calling a quick, "I'll look this way" over his shoulder.

He moved quickly down the street, keeping his eyes peeled for your sparkly, dark red dress. He looked through the windows of the many store fronts as he passed them. About five blocks later, he was about to turn around, assuming you went a different direction when he saw the familiar golden "m". A memory from about three weeks ago was quick to flash through his mind.

The team just came back from a two and a half week mission yesterday, meaning Tony was bound to throw a party today. It went about the same as most Tony Stark parties go; a lot of schmoozing until most guests left and the team could actually let loose.

You let a little looser than normal at the after party. After the mission required you to pretend to be married to Bucky, you felt like you deserved it. It was getting harder and harder to hide your feelings from him, especially when he insisted on walking you to your room after the party.

In a last ditch effort to avoid any drunk escapades, you asked him to take you to McDonald's instead of your room.

"Please Bucky?" You asked, drawing out the words and adding a small pout for good measure. "I just want a McFlurry and some fries! Please!"

"Sure, doll. We can go to McDonald's." You jumped up and down clapping, hugging him as you praised him for being so kind.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the nicest, most perfect man to ever live. Let's gooooo!!" He smiled at your antics, leading you to one of the many cars Tony kept stocked, not quite trusting you to ride a motorcycle at the moment.

After getting the food, the two of you ate together in the car. You, of course, insisting he try dipping the fries in the ice cream.

Reluctantly, he admitted it wasn't that bad before driving the two of you home. He dropped you off at your door, receiving a whispered "thank you" and a quick kiss to the cheek from you.

He smiled at the memory before walking inside. He found you in a booth toward the back, unsurprisingly dipping fries into your ice cream

"Y/N, I'm so sorry." You didn't even look up when he started speaking, choosing instead to study the m&ms in your dessert. "Really. It was a stupid bet. Hell, I didn't even want to do it, but then that punk and birdman teamed up against me and I couldn't let them do it without me! It would've killed me to know one of them kissed you. It was so stupid and I should've just shut it down. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than that." He trailed off, waiting for you to say something.

You gestured to the seat across from you, pushing some fries toward him. "It was a stupid bet."

You waited until his mouth was full before asking "Why would it have killed you?" Watching him nearly choke on his fries was oddly satisfying.

"What?" He tried to deflect the question. You shook your head, passing him a napkin.

"You said it would have killed you to know one of them kissed me. Why?" You looked him in the eye as you ate another fry.

"Well, you see, I... um, maybe have um... feelings." It was his turn to stare intently at the m&ms. He mumbled a quick "get yourself together" under his breath before continuing. "I like you. Hell, I think I love you. I don't know when it started, but suddenly you are all I can think about. I worry about you constantly when your on a mission without me, even though I know you can take care of yourself. I see little things that remind me of you everywhere. Like yesterday, I saw a buttercup on the side of the road and I couldn't stop thinking about the time you spent a good twenty minutes ranting about how spring is the worst season."

Suddenly, you were on a tangent. "Because it is! It's always raining, it's muggy, it's always freezing in the morning and way too hot in the afternoon so you have to carry all these extra layers-"

"I love you. That's why it would've killed me. I don't even want to think about you with another-"

It was your turn to cut him off, doing so by leaning across the small table to kiss him. It was quick, but you still felt fireworks.

"I love you too." Your words were sweet, but shifted when you said the rest of your sentence. "I just have one more question." The smirk on your face made him nervous, but he was more than willing to answer anything.

"What do you get for winning?"

-

After talking with Bucky, you texted Nat and Wanda to let them know you were okay and the two of you were headed back to the compound. You beat everyone else back, but decided to wait for them in the common area.

Steve and Sam came in with their heads low, struggling to make eye contact.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. We never should have made that bet." Steve started, aware of all the eyes on him.

"Me too. It was stupid and thoughtless." Sam added on.

"It was, but you are forgiven." You reached for Bucky's hand, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Bucky told me the winner of your little bet gets to pick the music for all forms of travel on the next three missions." You grinned at their confused expressions. "Bucky, being the winner, has so graciously bestowed that gift to me now. Get ready boys. I'm talking High School Musical. Hamilton. I'll have the two of you singing Taylor Swift in the shower." You, along with the rest of the team, laughed at their expense. Their grim expressions had you smiling, "oh please, I know you secretly love it!"

"Now, I have to go to bed. I have a date tomorrow." You winked at Bucky before sauntering off down the hall, the cheers of your teammates following you.

[kim-lexie]

rewind 2021: october, november, & december

well here we are….just a collection from the end of the year because i am sooo late.

music.

‘the feels’ by twice. you know i did my darn best to learn this choreography. it is such a fun pop bop. and it is great. i love it. 

‘rock with you’ by seventeen. it is solid just like the entire comeback. i particularly love this track. and i love the feeling of jumping straight into the song. 

kai’s comeback. ‘to be honest’ & ‘peaches’ on rotation. i freaking love kai and his smooth vocals and choreo that he always delivers. 

nct comeback. all my boys (minus two) all in one place. i love these comebacks. and i loved these track videos. ‘miracle’ hello! oh honey the album has been on repeat. each and every track. i loved it, and cannot express how proud of these boys i am. 

‘killing me’ by chung ha.

onewe. this group just came out of nowhere. and by golly goodness i am so glad i stumbled upon them. they are versatile and the duality is top tier. some top tracks include ‘AuRoRa’, ‘veronica’, ‘end of spring’, ‘reminisce about all’, ‘parting’. also their live versions are *chef kiss*. 10 out of 10 recommend checking them out. and did i mention they’re a band and play instruments. *swoons*

‘one day’ by monstax. ‘they say hindsight is 20/20….’ just let me sit in a puddle of tears. 

‘alright’ by ares carter & bumkey.

ateez comeback. my boys they’re back. they are sooooo freaking good. i love ‘turbulence’, ‘be with you’, and they freaking put the overture on there!! i cannot. 

jeebanoff. he is always a favorite but i finally discovered his album released earlier this year and my goodness ‘void’ is too good not to include in a rewind.

dramas & movies. *spoilers ahead*

unforgettable love. this was a great drama. that was cute and had a happy ending for everyone! the little kid that truly drew me into the show was fabulous. he was comedic relief as well as a unique edition for a drama where the focus was on him and helping his psychological well being. i absolutely loved the resolutions throughout. and her best friend and her boyfriend definitely became a favorite of mine. bc of the character transformation he experienced. and i love how raw she was when he was confessing his feelings, she was like will you still take me with all these broken pieces and bruises. and he was like yes girl i will build you a house to keep you safe and protected so you can rest. cue the tears. i would rate this a 7 out of 10. 

police university. jinyoung my dude is back. and this was a great one. we followed his character seon-ho a former hacker with a hidden criminal record, meet dong-man a detective that arrested him years prior at the national police academy. we follow them as they work together and eventually become friends in a mentorship, hunting down the criminals of a deep case involving the police and the university. and of course we have our girl, krystal, who seonho meets at a judo match and they end up in the same class at university. i enjoyed this one, rating it a 8.5 out of 10

hometown chachacha. this was a top tier drama. from the cast of characters, and life that they depicted was rich with various layers. we got to see so many different character and got a piece of all of their lives. and i especially loved each and every moment we had with our dimple couple. a favorite moment was when her friend says i may be jumping ahead but we should keep to two kids you know. and he is like the only thing i can think about today is skipping a few bases and kisses her. i would give this drama a 10 out of 10. and i will leave you with wisdom from harmoni ‘look around yourself closely and you’ll realize that you’re surrounded by many precious things. everyday is full of so much excitement as if i’m going on a picnic the next day.’

my name this drama ripped my heart out and stomped on it. nevertheless, it was a great drama, with plot twists i did not predict. the whole drama had me on the edge of my seat. from a young age her life was turned upside down, followed by the police to track down her father who she was led to believe was a gang member. turned out to be undercover, and was killed off by the gang boss she currently worked for. and every good thing she had in life, was in essence ripped away from her by this man. pul-do finally being her safe place, he knew the whole story of her actually being undercover from the gang, and wanted to protect her. when he called her name, it was probably the first time in years she heard it. and he brought her to the beach. literally so many tears. she loved him, and the boss saw that. so she had to take revenge again, because she had come to the conclusion that the biggest betrayal would be to use the law against him. but instead she had to face him head on. and with all the deaths that happened when she hesitated another precious person died, the only one that completely understood her. like pul-do had the look in his eyes that no matter what, he was going in front of the bullet to protect her. like the happy ending was right there. and it was snatched so freaking quick. the end with her visiting the graves…it was not the ending i signed up for.…anyways ramble over and i would give it a 9.5 out of 10. ready for a season two if possible, please. 

lovers of the red sky. a historical drama with fantasy. sign me up fam. i loved this one. my dude ahn hyo-seop is a part of this cast, which automatically intrigued me. we follow cheon-ki a female painter, and the first female in the academy at the palace for painting. her father currently, not in a well state was previously the palace’s official painter. ha ram, played by hyo-seop, is an officer at seowoongwan in charge of astronomy and such. he is currently blind due to an accident that we know happened to be the same day that cheon-ki could finally see, because at birth she was blind. the fantasy aspect goes deep and is too much to explain. but all was well in the end and everyone has their perspective eyes at the end. and cheon-ki and ha-ram have a happy ending. i would give this drama an 8.5 out of 10

yumi’s cells. this was a top tier drama 10 out of 10. i was surprised by how much i enjoyed the incorporation of the animation to the live action. it was hilarious. heart breaking. and an incredible insight into the minds of our main characters. we follow yu-mi who works an office job and meets woong a video game designer who lives life a little differently than her. it shows how an unexpected relationship flourishes and dies. it was a great drama, and i am sooooo ready for another season. i know the whole premise of the show was about yu-mi but gosh darn i really thought our two main characters were going to end up together (especially after the heart break i experienced watching bo-hyun’s character die in ‘my name’ i really wanted this for him.) anyways, yu-mi was the main character and that’s that. it was great. made me laugh and cry. i freaking love the cells. they were hilarious. ALSO HATED that it was 14 episodes…little old me thinking i had at least 2 episodes left only to be left in the dust and a puddle of tears. 

the king’s affection. everyone this was a great great drama. and not just because monday and tuesday became rowoon appreciation night, i fell in love with nam yoonsu. this man. frick i was willing to let him be the main lead. like i never feel this way. like oh yeah second male lead it’s chill i will stay away. but dang i was ready to flip the script. and byung-chan was also in this drama. like my goodness. it was great. okay now to the actual premise. we follow a story in joseon, the crown prince’s wife gave birth to twins, but twins are not a good thing in the palace. so lee hwi is born and raised in the palace, and da-mi was supposed to be killed off but the mother begged to save her. years later da-mi returns to the palace as a maid and meets jung ji-un (rowoon), she saves him from drowning and they become quick friends. lee hwi finds da-mi and realizes they look alike and wants to switch places. they switch and gosh darn the bad guys don’t kill da-mi, they kill lee hwi. uh oh. but the bad guys are silly and don’t know they killed the wrong twin…so not to get in trouble because of the switch a handful of people protect da-mi and she has to acclimate to living in the palace as her now dead twin brother. years later, jung ji-un returns as her tutuor, having her waiver in her seat. lots of things happen, and i’m just like how does no one know this. (ji-un is a dummy and doesn’t figure any of this out, kind of has inkling ideas but is a dummy and needs someone to spell it out.) strange how they were actually able to hide it. but then we find out that the dead prince’s bestie lee-hyun (nam yoon-su) knew all the freaking long and loves da-mi. wild. it’s full of twists and turns, and deception from the court. we love to hate it. our girl ends up faking her death and lives a happily ever after with jung ji-un. and lee-hyun becomes freaking king. definitely a 9.5 out of 10

another gif because i love this man.

happiness. this was an interesting one, it is the first drama that i have watched the mentioned covid. quite a unique start. we follow our yi-hyun (our dude park hyung-sik) who is a detective and wants to protect his friend/love sae-bom. they’ve known each other since high school. they marry because she is determined to have her own place, and to get the apartment she has to do this to earn the credit from the police bureau. in the midst of the move to their new high-rise apartment an outbreak strikes the complex. we see people of diverse backgrounds have to work together and eventually kind of kill off one another. the fear and distrust that ensues is something else. like what is the likelihood of having multiple murders in your apartment building? and on the outside, is tae-seok who worked with sae-bom, and is a health service commander. and he is at the center of trying to find the cure and help keep control of the state. i would rate it a 9 out of 10. i enjoyed seeing all the various characters, and how yi-hyun and sae-bom finally realized that they loved each other. i loved it. also thankful we got a good ending, because dang as it kept getting darker in the concept i was like, frick it’s called happiness but the title is literally fading away will all the happiness fade away and we will be left with nothing?!

extracurricular. y’all this one was intense, and dark. i was intrigued having just finished ‘the kings affection’ and being obsessed with nam yoon-su...so you know if was going to be next on the list. we follow a high schooler, ji-soo, who works as a pimp because he desperately needs money to go to university after high school. but he creates an app, that protects his app users; which is a unique and strange take in this dangerous life. everything gets twisted and he ends up in business with a classmate, gyu-ri who he has a crush on, and then everything basically goes to poop. and it ends on a cliff hanger at episode 10, which i thought i was getting more then i didn’t so yeah...didn’t appreciate that ending. i would still give it a 7.5 out of 10

melancholia. oh my goodness you knew this was going to have to be on a rewind because my dude, lee do-freaking-hyun is in this drama. so it has to be golden. this one will probably have its own review because dang a lot of feelings and thoughts. i honestly was nervous at the start because no matter how much i love lee do-hyun, i am not jumping on board a teacher/under-aged student trope. but i loved how we saw the timeline jump and how everything fell apart and then together again. i rate this drama a 10 out of 10.

the silent sea. DUDE this was insane! so this one takes place in the future, where the world is in dire need of water. a crew from korea goes to an abandoned research facility on the moon on hunt for water. well it becomes majorly twisted and dark, because this lunar water not only produces more water but takes over any life form and proceeds to drown the life out of it. it was a wild ride, with so many twists and turns, and hidden discoveries and bad guys. and hello this cast was PERFECT, and hello gong yoo was in this so you know it’s good. i would definitely recommend this drama because it is something i haven’t seen. i would rate it a 9 out of 10.

[hobidreams]

may 1869.

just this once, you let yourself be a little braver.

pairing: joseon king!yoongi x reader genre: smut, angst, fluff? words: 1.4k contains: someone new, something new.

moonlit throne index. this is drabble 20. start from the beginning?

A balmy wind drifts through the open window of your bedchamber, making ripples upon the freshly made spread. You stand in sunlight before the mirror, tracing the faint remnant of the bruise on your collarbone, left by the king’s hungry mouth too many nights before, and wish absently that the mark will stay for at least a few hours more.

As the days grow longer, his visits have become far less frequent, though the minutes he spends indulging in your heat seem to extend ever so slightly in turn. The explanation that leaves your heart intact is that he is occupied by overseeing the administration and results of the national civil exam, the gwageo that took place a few days ago and will bring a new group of eager scholars into the palace. You try very hard not to think about the possibility of his finding his way to another woman’s bed, even though he is well within his rights to. Even though it is expected of a king to have handfuls of consorts in his court. He has, thankfully, spared you of such truths, like he continues to spare you of any details about his life. Theoretically, that makes it easier to not get so attached. Theoretically.

With an exhale, you re-adjust the collar of your blouse to hide the mark and put on your hat before stepping out into the sun, holding a book that you intend to return to the king’s library.

As you walk towards the building, you soon realize there’s a man you’ve never seen before in green scholar’s robes in front of the shuttered doors, pacing back and forth as the dark samo on his head bobs from the effort. What’s he doing? While people may pass by here, they rarely linger.

When the man spots you, his gaze seems to brighten. “Excuse me, uinyeo-nim!”

You come to a stop before him, taking in the wane of his eyes that are like friendly crescents. “Good morning. How may I help you, Scholar…?”

“Park.” He smiles. “I’m one of the newly admitted scholars.”

“Scholar Park. Congratulations on passing the exam.” You return his smile with a small one of your own though you remain on your guard, no matter how kind he seems. Most of the current scholars treat you with disdain (though they at least attempt to veil it on the king’s account, you are certain), as you are a woman and thus beneath them, no matter if the texts you’ve read could rival theirs. This Park must be brilliant though, if he passed the rigorous exam at such a young age.

“Thank you. I’m excited to begin my work! But…” He bites his lip. “The head scholar asked me to obtain a copy of Bang Si-Hyuk’s latest text, and the royal library said that only the king has a copy…” His expressive face falls and you, with a twinge of endearment, think he might be an awful liar if he ever tried. “Would you happen to know how I might borrow from the private library? Should I request an audience with the king? Are there official forms to follow? I really don’t wish to misstep.”

You stare at him quietly, contemplating whether or not you should reveal that you have such access.

He nervously seems to take your lack of answer as confusion. “Yes, I am aware that I should have asked my fellow scholars but they are all so much older than me and I’m afraid that they will take me less seriously than they already do if I cannot complete such a simple task on my own... But no one else has walked by here and I do not want to go back empty-handed and…” He trails off, giving you a look of absolute desperation that warms your heart, despite your reservations.

“Scholar Park. I can retrieve the book for you, if you promise to return it within a few days.” The king wouldn’t notice that it’s missing anyhow, not with how busy he’s been. That, and you get the feeling that the older scholars have been playing a bit of an initiation joke on this poor boy.

“Really? You will? Thank you, uinyeo-nim!” He breaks into a huge grin. “Oh, but uinyeo-nim, how do you have access to the king’s libra…”

You can practically see the moment it clicks in his mind that you are that physician, the one who’s name is irrevocably tangled up with the king’s.

It seems palace gossip is not exempt even from those who have only entered the grounds the day before. You can literally feel the turmoil going on within him as he tries to figure out how to address you, whether or not he should give you the respect of the king’s consort even though you are technically not one in the slightest. Just a lowborn, a hole, even a witch doctor that has bewitched jeonha, as those less polite than this boy have put it when they thought you were out of earshot.

“Hm?” You prompt like a masochist, wanting to see what he says. Wanting to see if it’ll hurt you some more, or if you’ve finally gone blissfully numb.

“N-Nothing, uinyeo-nim.”

You were right. He’s an awful liar.

But you get the book for him anyway, and see him off with promises to meet you back here two days later for the return. Your reality is none of his fault, after all.

That night, the king drops by with little decorum. Opens the door to your chambers and strips off his robes, like he always does. Though this time as he kneads your bare chest in his calloused fingers, pinching the peaked nipples so hard you whimper, you are filled with a need for some scrap of certainty. You want to wipe that coolness from his eyes for even one second, to stoke some intimate fire from him that says he still remembers how you used to be together. How it used to be easier than this. Closer, even though now you know how thick his cock feels as he robs you of air.

“You—ah—you’ve been busy, jeonha?” It’s been getting marginally easier to talk to him like this in the moonlight, his hands making a mess of you. “It’s been quite some time since you’ve come.”

“What, are you that needy for a fuck?” He smirks, but it’s a look more dark and dangerous than playful as he reaches down and finds you soaked. You think you feel the ghost of that word lingering around his question, but it is a small blessing that has not said it aloud since that night in April.

Your face flushes hot. “I-I was just wondering…” You shouldn’t mention it. You really should hold your tongue, but you’re sick of being trapped in your own mind, going in circles with your own insecurity. Just this once. Just this once you want to let yourself ask— “I thought… That perhaps you had taken another conso—oh!” You’re cut off by an abrupt inhale as he sinks two nimble fingers into your cunt. One smooth stroke takes him so deep, only for him to pull out to use the translucent wetness he’s gathered as lubricant along his shaft.

“You think I have time for other women?” He snaps. His stare is intense, but you can’t see a single lie in their depths. “Never have.”

Then he takes you so roughly, you think the bed might break from all the rattling. You have to blink away white spots in your vision when you come and he doesn’t say much more to you for the rest of the night, but you’re smiling almost deliriously all the way through with your nails scratching faint red down his back, the bracelet he gave you dragging over his skin from its home on your wrist. Never, your mind echoes, again and again.

Against all the odds. Against anything you would have expected. Even if he keeps you at arm’s length to the thoughts in his heart, it’s still the chance three-step skip of a grey stone across a rippling pond.

You’re the only one.

a/n: wow. drabble 20. it’s taken us half a year to get here & it honestly feels like a dream that i’ve made it this far. yet there is still so much on the line. so much further to travel together. thank you, if you’ve been here since the beginning. thank you, if you’re just picking up the series 💜 please do come let me know your thoughts on the series as we slide into the present time, with all the tension of the past lingering too closely by. i truly couldn’t have gotten here without all your support ♡

[epitomees]

What are your favorite ships on here (feel free to tag?)

Do you ship someone's muses on your dash?

Questions for the mun

What are your favorite ships on here (feel free to tag?)

@fatexbound - Literally, you are the major cause for my Shumako brainrot. I cannot stop thinking about how well Akira and Makoto get along, tease each other, learn more about themselves, and have developed since they got together. Their chemistry is off the charts and I cannot express through words alone how much I adore your Akira. I can't forget Yu and Chie either! They're just starting and I'm so excited to see what kind of romantic relationship those two develop, and of course...the eventual Naoto and Yu ship we're building up to as well! :3

@chibitantei - Liz, I'm astounded how much you made me crave for rare-pair ships. I would never have guessed how interesting and dynamic Chie/Naoto can be together considering they are EXTREME polar opposites. I'm looking forward to exploring what's in store with these girls like their 3AM hot pocket shenanigans or trying to make their own food together. Also, I can't leave out the potential Yu/Naoto and Yosuke/Naoto we have planned to come. Again, stop making me crave for more rare-pairs!!

@maskuerade - Good GOD, you and your Akira make me so weepy!! I'm going to crush you with so much angst and hurt/comfort in the future!! I know we just got started with Akira/Makoto's relationship and screamed about them A LOT over Discord, but I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to see their relationship blossom. How much they crave for each other's attention and affection, how much they'd go out of their way to protect and keep each other safe, like THEY'RE SO ROMANTIC AND I GET SO GIDDY ABOUT THEM!!

@rebelli0us-mask - The chaotic duo!! I have to say, I'm having so much fun with Dia's and Makoto's flirty interactions and Dia's consistent teasing too. Dia is a spontaneous ball of energy which is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of Makoto's orderly stature and personality. I love how she's loosened up since getting together with him, and embracing more of an inner feral side she tends to keep hidden. Their chemistry is just...so natural and feels like a real-life relationship. I adore those two and hold them close to me. <3

@electricea - I know we briefly touched on it, but I'm still interested and very excited to see a relationship blossom between Ryuji and Makoto. They have a very similar dynamic in some ways while there are various differences between them as well. I'm so so ready to see these two begin crushing on each other!

@crossxskulled - YOU AND YOUR VULGAR BOY ARE GOING TO TREAT MAKOTO LIKE THE DAMN QUEEN SHE IS!!! God damn, I know we've hinted at things in some previous threads but man oh man, I'm so FREAKING PUMPED to have Ryuji be Makoto's encouragement and make her see the fun of life, while Makoto helps Ryuji in several other ways. They're going to be so SO dynamic, and by GOD I can't wait to write this power, battle couple in action!

I know there's still some ships I have in the works with others, but these are the major ones that are working towards being confirmed/already are confirmed for this blog. My apologies if I missed anyone!

Do you ship someone's muses on your dash?

@maskuerade and @detectivcprince - I adore their Akechi/Akira ship a lot. It's more refreshing than a lot of the Akeshu I tend to see on Twitter or elsewhere online. There's so much support behind the characters, there's build-up that I've seen happen where they try extending that help to the other, and...I really enjoy seeing the domestic aspect of their lives together. It's always a nice read when I see them answer a thread.

@chibitantei and @fatexbound - Your Naoto/Yosuke and Naoto/Yu. Those are goals for the ships we have planned!

[belikov-barnes]

Ok so when I started sending these I didn’t keep track of who I was sending them to and then I had a panic attack about making people mad if I accidentally sent it more than once so I stopped 😅 I saw your tag tho😘

What are your thoughts on the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead? The good, the bad? What do you think about the upcoming tv adaptation?

Tell Us👁👄👁🍿

nah honestly people regularly spam me with nipple anons, so getting asked the same question multiple times truly isn't annoying lol so with that out of the way, let's dive headfirst into The Thoughts...

The Good:

These books have defined my life for over a decade. I found them at a pretty rough time in my life at 14, and they're brought me so much happiness, opened so many doors to different opportunities and events, and helped me to form so many friendships over the years. This is absolutely my obsession and my comfort series. I'm at the point where I'm not sure if Rose Hathaway influenced my personality, or if I related to because I could always relate to her deep down. Regardless, I am completely in love with her, but I also want to be her. The world building is incredible, the characters are so magnificently captured, and the relationships between them are so tangible. Rose and Dimitri just give me such strong soulmate vibes and are my forever otp, the friendships are complex but so important. I can't tell you how many YA series I've read where the friends are barely there as characters. The Belikov family are my ultimate comfort fictional family and I adore them with my whole heart. I cannot say enough good things about this series lmao it has such a hold on me.

The Bad:

Of course, while I fucking adore this series, I'm not blind to the various problematic elements from the books. Richelle's love of age gaps that contain one party under 18 and one party over is just not appropriate. Doing it once to 'challenge' societal ideals, as she's stated in the past, is one thing. But she's done it multiple times within the VA/BL series. However, the age gap with Rose and Dimitri isn't the biggest issue with their relationship (the age of consent in Montana is 16, so that's legal even if it's morally iffy). The student/mentor dynamic makes it feel a bit uncomfortable (especially because, even though he's not a teacher, Rose regularly refers to Dimitri as one like... sis you're making this worse than it needs to be lmao). Another issue is the lack of diversity when it comes to race, sexuality, gender expression, and religion. The biggest issue is Adrian's plotline with dabbling... Ultimately, I think VA is a series of it's time. Certain elements don't withstand the test of time when it comes to what would be okay to publish in the 2020s.

The Adaptation:

I'm so excited for it, I literally don't care. I will be engaging with it as if it is fanfiction. I am just watching to be entertained, to see a new interpretation of a story I love dearly. I don't expect a super loyal adaptation, and without that expectation I think I've been able to really enjoy watching and engaging with the production process. The cast seem really passionate and excited, and I have a feeling Sisi will play the best version of Rose. I'm definitely wary of Julie Plec as showrunner, but at this point I'm just strapping in for the ride. Even if the show ends up flopping, I'm just ecstatic that someone approved a VA adaptation and gave it a second chance after that dumpster fire of a movie lol.

[neonacity]

BLACK DAISIES| CH.13 | EN PASSANT

Summary:

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

An NCT mafia AU with OT23. Summary: Working for the mafia comes with many layers. There’s excitement, violence, loss, and betrayals. Yet there’s also friendship, family, loyalty, and code. The last thing it needs? Love and all the complexities it brings.

TW: violence, death, mentions of sex, drugs, and other illegal activities. If you’re uncomfortable with any of these, feel free to skip. Author’s note: This is purely a work of fiction. In no way am I supporting all the illegal activities and behaviors that might be mentioned in the story nor am I implying that any member of NCT acts whichever way I may write them here.

Previously > Chapter 12 > Judas

MASTERLIST

Fic Trailer

Taeyong stared at the pile of photos on his lap with an unreadable expression. I watched blankly as he carefully sifted through them, his gaze burning through each one as if he was desperate to find any indications that they were fake. The silence inside the room was so thick and heavy that I could almost feel myself choking from it. 

I initially didn't want to bring it up to him with his injury still fresh, but I decided to go against my usual knee jerk reaction and brought the matter up as soon as the right timing came. As much as I wanted to keep this a secret, the case of the woman in the photo—my mother—is something that concerns the whole family, especially with the obvious confirmation that Jihoon is involved. I haven't had the strength to fathom the impact of it to its full extent yet, which is all the more reason why I needed Taeyong to look at it from his perspective. I could barely even manage to piece two things together, especially with the never-ending questions stacking up in my head. 

How is she alive?

Does my father know?

How does Jihoon fit in all of this?

Most importantly, how could she have went on with her life hiding this from me?

The last one was probably the heaviest out of everything. In a sea of all the politics, consequences, and possible dangers, my identity as this woman's daughter jumps out the most.

All those years that I thought I’ve lost her... It’s like everything I have ever known have been turned over their heads and nothing was—and is—real anymore. There’s only one reality that I couldn’t deny as much as I desperately wanted for it to be a lie. 

She betrayed me.

I felt a gentle hand resting over mine and I glanced up to see Taeyong looking at me with eyes full of understanding. His thumb gently ran over the top of my knuckles and I slightly loosened the grip that I had on the fabric of my pants.

"Have we checked if the photos are not manipulated?" He asked softly, as if he is being extra careful with his words. I nodded numbly in answer.

"There's a video. I checked it too. It's... real," I added, my voice sounding dead and foreign to my own ears. He didn't say anything immediately, but his hand never left mine. I couldn't blame him for being as equally lost to be honest. After all, he was also there when she 'died.' Back in our childhood, she was like a mother to him too.

"We'll look into it. We'll have the others work on it…" he hesitated slightly before continuing. "If it's too complicated for you."

I nodded slowly.

"I don't know how this will… affect things. I'm not sure if my father knows," I said quietly. I met his gaze then and I felt him squeeze my hand gently. "Aren't you afraid?"

"If you're asking me if I'm afraid for NCT, no, I'm not. Jihoon made it clear on the get go that this is a war, so I was expecting crazy things from him. Besides, I don't think there is anything we cannot take as a group," Taeyong stopped for a bit before speaking again. "But I'm terrified for you. Of what this means to you."

I looked away as I swallowed the choking feeling that had started to build in the back of my throat. He tugged on my hand that he was holding to guide me to sit by the edge of his bed and I wordlessly followed, my gaze resting on anywhere but him. I was afraid of what he might see there. 

"Hey…"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to be okay."

My heart squeezed at his reassuring words. This is another reason why I felt the desperate need to talk to him about this. Taeyong is so many things to me other than just being my leader. He's my best friend. And I just promised not to shut him out anymore.

"She left me."

He didn't say anything about that. One thing about him is that even though he cares, he was also never one to sugarcoat things or give empty promises. Right now, he does realize the implications of the situation the same way I do.

"And we'll find out why. If that's what you want," he said with a reassuring tone as he reached over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

I didn't give an immediate reply. Taeyong also didn't push for it more, giving me time.

"What do we do next?" I asked after a while and I saw his eyes cloud a little. When he spoke again, I knew he was talking as NCT’s leader.

"We'll double down on the efforts to hunt him down. This has gone way too long. If we need to sacrifice someone for it, we'll do it."

-------

Haechan knocked back the lollipop to the other side of his mouth as he leaned back against the banister outside of the grocery's entrance. For anyone passing by, he looks nothing more than a regular boy lounging lazily to while away his time, but a closer look would show the way his sharp eyes scanned his surroundings in high alert. His gaze swept over what he could see inside the complex from his position, his stance comfortable.

"Cashier five. We'll be out in two minutes."

"Updates, melk?" He asked in a low singsong voice, lips barely moving. The earpiece on his left crackled softly before a reply came back after a few seconds.

Haechan gracefully straightened up from his position and shoved his hands on the front pocket of his jacket. He kept his gaze steady on the entrance, and sure enough, he spotted her walking out towards his direction not long after. Tailing her was Mark who stepped away just in time from one of the smaller stalls inside the building, a paper bag casually swinging from his other hand. She was so distracted from trying to arrange what she had in her own bag of groceries that she completely missed the way Haechan pushed back from the entrance railing to walk directly towards her.

The moment she passed the sliding doors, he bumped against her, leading her to take a few steps back in surprise. Haechan easily turned to catch her, one of his hands slipping from his pocket to poke a syringe at her arm. Her eyes widened and she tried to pull away but Mark was quick enough to flank her on her other side, squeezing her between their tall frames.

"Ah, you should always look where you're going, noona~" Haechan said lightly as he threw an arm over her just in time before she slumped a little. She felt dizzy, the feeling in her body draining. For a regular person, however, she looked nothing more than a slightly intoxicated girl leaning against her friends for support. "If you try to struggle, I'll just give you another shot. I can't promise you won't overdose from it so let's play nice, okay?"

It wasn't like she even had the strength to even do that anyway. Eyes drooping, she felt herself being ushered to a car, the other boy holding her side merely giving her a glance as he ducked her into the backseat. Recognition flashed briefly in her features as she watched him fix her hands and feet with zip ties.

"We're inviting you for a little bit. There's a party waiting for you."

He waited for her to finally groan in realization before finally stepping into the ring of light offered by the single light bulb in the room. Her head snapped up, eyes turning into slits as she recognized him.

That and the dull thud of the car door closing were the last things she heard before she finally lost consciousness.

----

Johnny watched silently from his corner as the woman sitting in the middle of the room started to stir from her sleep. Hiding in the shadows, he made sure not to make any noise as her eyes finally opened, gaze trying to take in her surroundings. She still looked loopy from the sedative shot she got that it took her a while to finally notice her bound arms and legs on the chair.

"You."

"Nice sleep?"

She was smart enough not to try to struggle in her binds, though he didn't miss the derisive snort she gave as she leaned back on her chair. Johnny silently noted the usual feistiness with hidden amusement again—the last time they saw each other, he had a gun pointed at her head and she acted the same.

"I thought I made it clear the last time you tried to kill me that trying to put me over Jihoon's head is useless?"

He dug his hands in his pockets now as he regarded her. A sharp sting of pain ran across his left shoulder from the injury he got after the failed ambush with Wonho, but he kept a straight face as he looked down on her. When Taeyong gave the orders for her, he knew their family had finally snapped. Regardless of whether she is someone Jihoon cares for or not, she needs to be here.

"You're not here as bait for him," Johnny simply said now, his voice even. She stared for him for a moment but didn't say anything.

"We need information about your brother. We want him dead."

"Big news, you're not the only one," she shot back sarcastically without even batting an eye. In seconds, Johnny closed the distance between them and bent over, grabbing her jaw with his hands. He squeezed just enough to leave bruises on her skin.

"We're sure you know something, regardless if he trusts you with his information or not. He always had you on his side."

Her gaze on him didn't waver. He would be lying if he says he doesn't find her steadfastness impressive. In all their encounters, not once did she waver even with death staring her in the eyes. Unfortunately for her, he needs answers right now. 

"So you're the one in-charge with torture and interrogation then?" She asked, changing the topic entirely.

"Unfortunately for you, yes."

She smirked slowly, eyes moving towards his chest. "Are you sure you can break me with that injury of yours?"

Johnny was taken aback momentarily. He had his bandages well-covered by his clothes and he also was sure that she couldn’t see enough of him to see him move in discomfort. He frowned at her slightly and she answered with a soft laugh.

"You were standing oddly. So you fell for Jihoon's plans with Wonho then? How embarrassing. I was expecting more from your group."

His jaw tightened and he released his iron grip on her jaw. "You know his plans. All of them."

She merely shrugged. "Not all of them. Only those he would let me snoop over. I'm afraid what you guys assume about my involvement with him is wrong. I'm not his right hand. He is keeping me beside him for a different reason."

"What do you mean?"

For a moment, she just looked at him. The lighting in the room might be dim, but Johnny can't miss the look of loathing simmering just under her placid features.

"You won't get anything from me. Even if you kill me or skin me alive," she finally said after a while. The look she gave him was determined and unshakeable and he couldn't help but wonder what's stroking the fire of her anger towards her supposed ally. It's all confusing, how she seems to hate him with all of her being but still protects him in some way.

The two of them simply stared at each other for the next while, gazes burning against each other’s skulls. Finally, Johnny straightened up again to his full height, face unreadable.

"Then I guess you'll just rot here unless you change your mind," he said as he turned on his heels. "You have all the time in the world to think about it." He added without looking back as he flipped the light off before leaving her in the dark room.

----

"Hey."

Jungwoo, Yuta, and Taeil briefly glanced up at me as I walked into the main lobby of the headquarters warily. Each of them gave me a nod before turning back to their screens, Yuta moving just a little bit to give me the space to sit beside him. The three of them were currently camped in front of my computer set-ups, the photos I just got from the mail spread out in front of them. I tried my best not to look at them as I took my seat, my eyes set on the videos playing in the multiple screens. They all seem to be footage from security cameras taken from different parts of Seoul, some even overseas. On my right, Taeil looks like he was scanning a database of flights.

"You just woke up?" Yuta asked without even looking at me. He was flipping through a video of what looked like a hotel lobby, jumping time here and there. I nodded and didn’t say anything else. I was finally able to crash after going sleepless for more than a day and Taeyong apparently gave the orders for the others to start moving with the group's new plans while I was out cold. From what I could piece together, Haechan, Mark, and Johnny were in charge of securing someone from Jihoon's team as a hostage while WayV together with Doyoung and Dream were mobilizing our network of connections for his manhunt. Jungwoo, Taeil, and Yuta, from the looks of it, were in charge of tracing my mother.

"Do you have any…leads?" I asked carefully now as I still tried my best to ignore the photos in front of me. After the first time I checked them, I didn't really have the stomach to look at them again.

"No leads but I got some footprints," Jungwoo said. "I checked the locations in the photos and then we matched them with data from the security cameras. It seems like she had been moving between Korea and other countries for the past years," he explained. Taeil sighed from our other side and leaned back against his seat.

"She's been jumping here and there. Netherlands, France, UK. She's been rotating at least eight different identities according to her flight records.”

I swallowed. None of them still knows my direct connection to the woman they are still hunting down so I tried my best to hold back my emotions.

"Jihoon definitely knew her though. Some of his photos go back as early as eight years ago. He's been tailing her for almost a decade now."

That made me freeze on my seat. My hunch was correct after all. Jihoon knew she was alive as soon as she was presumed dead. Whatever it is, something happened that day the operation to 'save us' from our kidnappers happened. That is the only thing that makes sense at the moment.

"Did you—Did you guys find out anything about her latest movements?"

Yuta typed a few keys on his keyboard and pulled up a flight record on his monitor. "Three months ago, under one of her aliases. She landed in Seoul. We checked all records since then and there were no outbound flights that happened under any of her fake names. So we're assuming that she's still here."

I couldn't say anything about that. I was hoping she would be far away, at the ends of the earth where neither me or Jihoon can reach her, but it seems like my hopes for that are also slim. I was too lost in my own thoughts that I didn't notice Yuta throw me a knowing look. He immediately closed the window in his screen that I had been staring at. 

"Anyway, we're still working on it. Don't worry about it for now," he said, and I had an odd feeling that he knows more than what the others have pieced together so far. Yuta was also one of the earliest members of 127 and was welcomed almost the same time I 'joined,' so he has more history than the rest. Besides, even if he has gaps in what he knows, he is sharp enough to pick up on things with his observational skills.

I simply nodded now and fidgeted awkwardly on my seat. He noticed and was quick enough to divert the focus to lessen the pressure clinging in the air.

"By the way, how's your boyfriend?"

I was still so out of it that I simply answered out of reflex without even fully thinking over what he said.

"He's in his room I think. I told him to rest and—" I immediately stopped and blinked, my previous worries fully erased from my mind as I realized what I just did. I heard Jungwoo cough as if he was trying to hold back a laugh while Taeil adjusted himself on his seat over the other side, lips twitching.

"Nakamoto Yuta..."

The Japanese menace wasn't even the least bothered by my reprimanding tone. He simply shrugged, eyes not even moving from his screen.

"What? I just asked a question. You answered."

"He's—"

"You don't have to explain. None of us here are surprised. In fact, I would have locked the two of you together myself just so you can get the sexual tension over with if something didn't happen at this point."

My face was absolutely burning. Beside me, Jungwoo has resorted to full on giggles, totally giving up in masking his amusement.

"We're not—there is no sexual tension!"

Oh but Yuta wasn't finished yet. He pushed back a little from the desk now, rolled his eyes, and turned to me.

"You know what I was surprised about though? How you didn't even visit your best friend once just because you got a boyfriend. I've never had a break from injuries since all these shit started and you couldn't have had dropped in my room once. I was injured too. Is this how I raised you?"

I stared at him dumbstruck, my lips opening and closing in my futile attempt to defend myself. He simply raised his brows at me, challenging me to try.

"Hey, give them a break. They've been doing this weird dance since forever. Let them live," Taeil said with a laugh and I didn't know whether to thank him or reprimand him for his contribution.

"At least," Jungwoo chirped in from my other side and I glanced at him, hoping that he would help. "There's one good thing that happened out of all this mess. We've had a rough past few months."

“Yeah, and it took for him to be shot in the chest before things moved.” Yuta snorted before finally sighing and giving me a forgiving look. "Fine. You're off the hook. God dammit, now I want a girlfriend too."

"Why do you want a girlfriend?"

We all looked around to see Taeyong walking towards us, his button down only half done to let his bandaged chest breathe. I felt my cheeks heat up again and looked away as he stopped before our little party. Great. As if the situation isn’t bad enough, he’s here too. 

"Because I'm jealous of this chick here. We were talking about her boyfriend," Yuta smirked and jabbed his thumb towards me. I tried to shoot him a death glare but he didn't look the least bothered by it.

Taeyong nodded calmly, obviously not getting the double meaning behind it. What he said next almost made me want to vanish into thin air.

"What about me?"

I was in the middle of dying out of embarrassment when a door to the side suddenly opened, Johnny striding out of it. All five of us turned towards his direction but he barely even looked at us as he disappeared into the second floor. We heard the slamming of a glass door, telling us that he went to the outside balcony of our hideout.

All of us exchanged furtive glances with each other. Taeyong and I's gazes met and he gave me a slight nod, the meaning of which I understood quickly. Without saying anything, I pushed back from my seat and went to follow the other.

-----

"It's a little cold for you to go out with just that thin jacket, you know."

Johnny turned to glance at me and I gave him a small smile as I pushed his coat to his hands. He gave it one quick look before finally sighing and taking it from me to put it on. I waited for him to get settled and leaned on the same railing he was resting on, a comfortable silence between us.

Of all the members of 127, Johnny had always been the one who has the best control over his emotions. Even in the most stressful of times, he would always keep his cool, which makes him perfect for being one of the first line of defense of the unit. However, that doesn't mean he is immune from the troubles and the politics that happen around him. Taeyong surely is more vocal in the way he cares for everyone and Johnny balances that in his own silent, carefree way—but he surely is as dedicated, more than anyone could see sometimes.  

I glanced at him sideways now and noted the slight frown that has settled over his features as he continued to stare at the view beyond. He didn't need to say anything for me to understand what's bothering him at the moment. I may have grown up with Taeyong, but Johnny was the second one who joined our little group in our teens. He is the only other one who knows about my history, which means I know just as much about him from all those years.

"How did the interrogation go?" I asked casually now to try and test the waters. He didn't say anything at first, but finally broke his silence after, frustration evident in his voice.

"She doesn’t want to talk. I locked her down there for now."

"I see… Well, we'll keep doing our best. The rest are also working on finding Jihoon so we also have that alternative."

My words, unfortunately, didn't seem to have any effect on him. To be honest, I couldn't blame him for it as well. Johnny almost never cracks so to see him like this means that he has reached his limit. I could only guess how desperate he is to be on the field right now, but he and Yuta had no other choice but to stay back temporarily and leave the dirty work to the rest because of their injuries. On top of that, he has lost Jaehyun, one of the members he has been closest to, because of all the mess that had been going on. Even for him, I knew that was a particularly hard blow.

"Johnny… Everything's going to be alright," I spoke up again even if I know I'm simply saying empty words at the moment. He laughed without humor and leaned over the metal banister, hands locking in front of him.

I didn't really know how to answer that. How could I, when he is telling the truth?

"Is it? We never know what's coming. We've lost people; the others barely made it. What if next time we won't be so lucky anymore?"

"What happened with Jaehyun was beyond our control…"

"Right. Which makes it even more frustrating. But it wouldn't have happened if the son-of-a-bitch didn't decide to start—" he stopped all of a sudden and quickly glanced at me.

"It's fine. My father deserves it," I said plainly, my face hard.

He looked away guiltily. Silence settled over us, and for a while we allowed ourselves to just feel the frustrations we've been trying to keep at bay. He was the first one to say something again.

"I'm sorry. I haven't really checked on you. I… heard about your mother."

My jaw clenched and I sighed. I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone after bringing it up with Taeyong, but I know that Johnny is someone I can trust.

"Don't be. I'm also trying not to think about it too much or else I'll be useless. Distraction is the last thing that I—we all need right now."

Johnny looked like he wanted to say more about the topic. I know he can see right through me so I was grateful when he didn't comment anymore and simply pursed his lips. He looked a little bit less tense now at least, the air around him not so strung up anymore.

"It's good that you have Taeyong now though. Actually, I don't think you've ever lost him anyway."

I felt my cheeks start to burn again and I tried to cover it up by shooting him a look.

"Are you going to complain that I didn't check on you too like Yuta did?"

That made him laugh a bit.

"Hell no. I'm not as dramatic as him."

I watched him silently for a moment, taking in the way he still tries to smile despite the obvious worries weighing him down. A wave of nostalgia hit me then and I smiled softly to myself.

"You know, I liked you for a long time... A lot…"

Johnny quickly glanced at me, mild surprise in his expression. Just like me, he wasn't probably expecting that to come up in the conversation. I didn't feel any awkwardness though… instead there was just this sense of relief taking over me.

He turned back to the view in front of him, a slight smile finally tugging on his lips.

"I know."

My eyes rounded.

"You did?"

He laughed and straightened up with a shrug before digging his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Come on, I've never been the clueless type. To be honest, there was a time when I wanted to...try too. I just didn't go through with it."

Well, that was unexpected.

"It's because you don't really see yourself with Taeyong so you don't understand, but anyone from a mile away will get it. You two just don't seem to escape each other's orbit no matter how hard you both tried to step back from it. You don't... really mess with something like what you two have."

"Why?" The question, of course, didn't have any other implications, but my curiosity was getting the best of me. Johnny glanced at me again, smiling.

I couldn't find the words to say about that. My face felt hot, something Johnny definitely caught because he playfully nudged me with his shoulder.

"So why did you have a crush on me, huh? I mean, I know I'm handsome, dashing, and perfect but—"

I pulled a face at him and pushed him back. Despite everything, it feels good now to be joking again with him.

"It's because you felt safer to like," I answered anyway after his laughter at my retaliation subsided. "Taeyong was part of a life I wanted to leave behind and I wanted so much to escape it so I pushed him away. Also, when I thought I lost my mother, I was… broken. I was afraid I'll have to go through it again if the same happens with him. He was too much of a risk for me."

I could feel Johnny's stare on me as he processed what I just said. It felt like my chest was significantly lighter now that I've let that out.

"How about now? Do you feel safe with him?"

I didn't even hesitate when I met his gaze, a small smile on my lips.

"Yes."

Johnny returned it with his own and sighed in contentment. "Good. Now we only really need to get rid of Jihoon to make sure he doesn't bother you or Taeyong anymore," he frowned. "That psycho is obsessed with the two of you."

My smile dropped at the mention of the name and I buried my hands in the pockets of my jacket to warm them.

"I don't think he's entirely obsessed with us. Taeyong and I...we knew him since he was young. I think he hates us because we remind him of one thing he's always been frustrated over. Position. I mean, I was my father's heir. And Taeyong's parents were also high ranking members."

Johnny looked at me in confusion.

"What do you mean? He's the son of Busan's head, right?"

I nodded. "He is. But he isn't the legal one."

He looked shocked. I'm not that surprised by his reaction though since Jihoon's family background is something that has only been known to the inner circles of the family.

"Jihoon was the first born to his father, but he isn't considered the true heir because his mother was a mistress. By rule of code, only first borns from the legal wife have claim over the position. That's something he never liked."

Johnny could feel a growing realization steadily take over him as he took in that piece of information. He tried his best to hold it back though, at least until he got all the missing pieces of the puzzle.

"So he has...siblings."

"Had. Well at least, from what we can assume. He has a half-sister and a younger brother from what I know. Sadly, they both disappeared when their parents died. Everybody assumes Jihoon got them killed so he can take leadership over Busan."

"Do you remember their names?"

I frowned as I tried to rack my brains. "No. I don't. I haven't really met them in perso—" I stopped all of sudden then as one particular memory came back. "I think I remember the old Busan head mentioning his son's name before though. Sh… Sungchan? I'm not sure."

"Their bodies were never found though?"

I shook my head.

Johnny remained quiet for a bit. When he spoke again, he looked set about something.

"I think we might have a better chance of making our guest talk now."

I clicked on it before my anxiety got the best of me. Immediately, it felt like the wind was punched out of my gut as I saw the image there.

----

I had just closed the door to my room when I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate. I didn't pay it much attention as I worked on opening my laptop, my thumb automatically unlocking the screen without me realizing it. By the time I looked down on it, the notification for the new picture message that I received was glaring back at me. I felt my heart stop, then start beating erratically again at the unknown number that registered as sender.

It was a photo of my mother, but unlike the ones I got before, she wasn't laughing.

Instead she was being kept behind what looked like a thick barred cell with only enough light to illuminate the features that I need for me to recognize her.

I was still staring at it in horror when my phone vibrated again, this time with a call from the same unknown number. I quickly pressed the answer button and whipped it to my ear.

"Do you like my little gift, love?"

It's as if ice was injected straight to my veins.

"You son of a bitch, where is my mother?!"

Jihoon simply chuckled at the other end of the line. He sounds nothing more than amused.

"Oh? I wasn't expecting you to be so angry. Shouldn't you be mad at your mum instead? Ask her how she climbed from her grave?"

"Fuck you. What do you want from her? Let her go!" I was barely able to keep my voice low as anger coursed through me. He sighed happily at my reaction as if he was enjoying my pain.

"I will, don't worry. I just really called you because I thought it wouldn't hurt to play nice for once and give you a chance."

I froze. I could feel a new emotion starting to creep in my spine, mixing with the anger and panic.

Fear.

"You see, I'm kinda getting bored with this little game we've been playing. I thought I'd just finish it once and for all and claim the Don-ship from your father by giving him the perfect gift. I mean, I've always known I was going to get it, with this ace up in my sleeve, but I wanted to have some fun first."

My eyes widened in realization. I could hear my blood pumping inside my head.

"Do you think he'll like it, honey?" Jihoon spoke again and I could almost taste his twisted smile. "What do you think your father will do to his long-lost wife~?"

"Don't—"

"A-ah. I'm not done yet. I told you I am going to give you a chance, right? It'll be all too boring if I just win the game without one last challenge. So here's what you should do. Come and find me and try to get your mother back. If you win, you'll at least have the chance to save her. If you lose, well I'll deliver her to the devil himself complete with a pretty bow. Easy, right? You just need to come to me."

I couldn't speak. I was frozen in fear as I listened to every word he said.

"If you were paying attention, that wouldn't be hard at all. The clue is right in front of you."

I was about to open my mouth to answer but he was quick enough to shut me down. For the second time, it was like the wind was knocked out of me at his last words.

"You have 48 hours. The clock starts now."

The line died, leaving me shocked and shaken at the silence of my room.

CHAPTER 14

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[inessencedevided]

Wei Wuxian enters the Underworld Chamber with several scrolls clutched in his arms, struggling to keep them all together but he is able to settle them down on a table next to the one that is holding his client with a great clatter. For a moment he entertains himself with thinking what the Second Jade who was known to be very rule abiding would say to his general … everything. He would probably have those straight, black eyebrows furrowed and reprimand him with a single word.

“Let’s see what we’ve got here, hm?”, he offers and sifts through his collection of scrolls from the library of the Lan sect. “Your older brother gave me access to some very interesting scrolls, you know?! Your sect is famous for musical cultivation, he told me that you were on your way to become the best guqin player, close to Lan Yi. Fascinating stuff, this. Inquiry. Talking to the dead through the means of music. Maybe this will help me before I use Empathy. Which is a method I invented.”

He does this a lot, chattering away at people to break the ice. There is not a lot of ice to break because the person he is talking to is dead but it still feels nicer than to be completely quiet. And according to ZewuJun, his brother is still here, so maybe he will feel less alone like this. So he shuffles over to the guqin that seems to have been repaired. There is still some brownish-red residue on the wood and he knows that it only can be one thing. Blood. “Alright. Let’s do this,” he says softly. Carefully, he follows the movements that are described on the page, lets the notes ring out, waits for an answer in the dark.

There is silence for a moment and he is afraid he played so badly that the ghost is somehow offended and doesn’t want to come. But then, suddenly, there is an answer. No unnecessary embellishments, played slowly so he can understand but still so beautiful that he knows who it is. Who it only can be.

Who are you sings the instrument and he makes an excited sound, shuffling even closer. Wei Wuxian he answers, carefully playing out the notes. Your brother. Asked for help. he answers haltingly. It is almost like learning a new language. I go through memories. Am I allowed? There is another moment of silence, then he swears the answer sounds almost surprised. Yes. You may, Wei Wuxian. He giggles and bites his lip. “Call me Wei Ying,” he tells the room before remembering that he should have used the guqin. The instruments sings out, completely unprompted. Wei Ying.

His grin threatens to split his face and he gets up, walking towards the body, taking in the serene face, the inky hair, the creamy skin. He really is a beauty. “Just a moment,” he tells him and pats his hand, walking to the door and calling Lan Xichen in, who comes without any further prompting. “He gave me permission,” Wei Wuxian explains and then hands the sect leader a Clarity Bell, a thank you from Jiang Yanli for helping her sect when it called for it. “Ring this when things get sticky or I do not wake up. It will call me back.”

ZewuJun nods, taking the Bell, settling in, watching them both with a worried expression but Wei Wuxian just smiles and kneels next to the body, taking his hands, noticing how cold and yet soft they are, callouses at their fingertips from playing the guqin. “Lan Wangji,” he whispers. “Show me. Show me what is keeping you here.”

The memories feel like the first snow beneath naked feet, dropping into a body of cold water but also like standing on a mountain and letting the winds rush by. They start with a little boy kneeling in front of a house surrounded by gentians, clad in the same white the whole sect wears. He is six at most and why this memory is shown, Wei Wuxian doesn’t know but he keeps concentrating, diving deeper. He sees a strikingly handsome teenager studying in the library, copying old scrolls, playing quin and sneaking vegetables to the back hills where white bunnies roam. The images flash by, a lecture with disciples from other sects, Wen Chao and his entourage arriving and making a scene.

One moment stands out. The same teenager who must be Lan Wangji catches a young female disciple roaming the back hills, a Wen from the red of her robes. He walks away with her and the scenery shifts. They are in a building that is most likely the home of the sect leader, ZewuJun and his brother who stands next to him, straight-backed and breathtaking. He can hear voices, hears them talking of something Wen Ruohan wants, that he will raze the Cloud Recesses to the ground for it. The Yin Iron. Part of it is hidden away here. They will need to prepare for the worst.

The scene shifts again, to Caiyi and Lan Wangji walking through the busy market, holding his sword in his hand, one hand in a fist behind his back like a proper gentleman. He can hear crying and both of them look for the source of it, Wei Wuxian constricted by the limited sight he has. It is little girl with braided buns, crying heartbreakingly next to a stall with animals made from colourful cloth.

The cultivator with the severe face and the countenance of a remote, snow-capped mountain, kneels next to her and hands her a bunny rabbit made from colourful cloth, just purchased apparently, waiting for her to talk. “I lost my gege,” she sobs and shuffles closer, hugging him, getting his white robes dirty. He does not seem to care, instead looks at her and gently lays a hand on her shoulder. “I have a gege as well. I would be scared if I lost him in the crowd,” he says and oh, his voice. It’s calm and deep, trying to settle the little girl. “Shall we look for him together?”

She sniffles and nods, taking his hand in hers, looking up at him in awe and Wei Wuxian can relate. After just a moment, they have found her big brother and the little girl runs to hug him with a shriek of delight. He can see the corners of Lan Wangji’s mouth tilt up into a soft smile, barely noticeable but it is there. He seems to be content with a job well done.

Another shift. They seem to come quicker now, more talk of the Yin Iron, someone he recognises as Lan Qiren taking stock of their most valuable scriptures, letting it be taken away. It is terribly busy but Lan Wangji is a mountain in a rushing stream, carrying what he can with his impressive arm strength.

Yet another and the Cloud Recesses are burning. The disciples are running, many of them armed, some carrying instruments. Caiyi is in disarray as well, people barricading their homes, locking up their animals. Lan Wangji is making a sweep through town, his immaculate robes already stained with soot. The little girl from before runs towards him and hugs his leg, tearful and scared but she knows she is safe with the young cultivator. He gently pats her head and does the same to her rabbit doll.

Then, his face grows serious and he kneels down to look at her, reaching up and undoing his ribbon that falls into his hands, carefully tying it around her wrist. “Keep this safe. Go and take your brother, your parents and look for a grey mountain with yellow veins. This will give you free passage through the secret entrance. You will be safe,” he tells her gently and gets up. “Look for a man who looks like me but older. Lan Xichen.”

Another shift. This one seems to be the last. Lan Wangji is riddled with arrows, bleeding profusely, staggering but still standing upright. His forehead is bare, his hands around the hilt of his sword are bloodied but he carries himself with grace and sheer bullheaded stubbornness. What was that saying again? No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it. He is so very brave. Wei Wuxian can feel his need to protect the ones who are hidden in the cave behind him even at the cost of his own life.

He seems to have set his mind on something, following Wen Xu, even as another arrow buries itself in his back and a voice cries out “A-Zhan! No!”. A sharp crack, bones crunching. His leg is broken but Wen Xu is dead, staring into nothingness. Lan Wangji does not cry out, instead uses his sword to get up again, breathing hard, spitting blood but still, there is a defiant light in his eyes. Someone trips him up and he falls to his knees, his head held high, his guqin on the ground next to him, strings bloodied. As the sword finds its mark, Wei Wuxian does not look away. Dares not look away. Lan Wangji stays proud and brave until he crumples to the ground and stops breathing.

Ringing, silvery and gentle, pulls him out of the cold waters, guides him back into his own body. As he comes to with a gasp, he notices that he has been crying. He wipes his eyes and looks at the body in front of him, at this brave and stubborn man who died defending those he cared about. “You were so good. So good, Lan Zhan,” he whispers, the personal name slipping out as he squeezes the cold hands, looks into his serene face. “The best.”

He turns to Lan Xichen who looks like he has been crying as well. “He died with the deep wish to protect still ingrained into him. He wants to make sure you are alright. And… he is guarding something. I… you spoke of the Yin Iron.”

The way Lan Xichen pales is answer enough.

- 🍄 anon

(Part one for all who didn't read it)

Omg!!! You sent me through every feeling IMAGINABLE 🍄 anon 😭😭😭

That line about there being a lot of ice to crack made me laugh and then you just came at me like that with feelings about lwj dieing! Not. Fair. 🥺

And lwj + little kids = love :D