#i can DO memorization i just hate it
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god i can't wait to be done with all these writing-heavy classes. i'm sick of 'em.
#< has a 500 word essay to write by tomorrow#< has a 250 word essay to write every week#< has a 10 page long annotated bibliography that's a week overdue#< is behind on discussion board posts#< hasn't been reading any of the required articles for any of my classes#like i'm fucked for my stem classes as well but at least i know how to manage that#i can DO memorization i just hate it#but WRITING#EVERY WEEK????#i canNOT wait for the semester to end#maple posts#i'm. not sure what the posts-to-tags ratio is supposed to be but i think i might b e doing it wrong#no clue tho! i like the way i do it
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boys night
#quick warmup before i go to bed :3c maybe ill draw more of em tmrw#pls forgive any mistakes i wasnt really using a solid reference photo for this just stock meditation photos to get the legs and arms#guhhh i hate drawing poses like this with the elbows and knees bent towards the camera. but i need to practice#grips the sink and sighs#alex is shirtless bc honestly when is he not and also bc cosmo stole his shirt. heh#u know that thing ppl do when they get their nails freshly painted and all u can do admire em a little? yeah#what if we were both boys and you gently held my hand in a way i havent felt in a long time and carefully filed down and painted#my nails with such care and mumbled to fill the silence as i memorized the curve of your smile and your eyelashes sweeping your cheeks and#my art#myart#doodles#oc#stardew valley#sdv oc#sdv farmer#cosmo#sdv alex
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To me, children of Zeus are natural strategists in the same way children of Athena are. But the difference is that Zeus and his kids have multiple plans and contingencies if a plan fails at a certain point and needs to shift gears. So like they employ Plan A and get all the way to stage four of the plan when suddenly there's a deviation from expectations for whatever reason. So they shift gears from Plan A1 to Plan A2, which accounted for this deviation and continue on.
Athena and her kids, however, come up with one solid, somewhat broader plan and refuse to deviate from it at all unless there is literally no other choice, in which case they will improvise quickly and efficiently to accomodate the change and get back on track to the original plan.
#happy talks pjo#happy talks greek mythos#jason in the corner coming up with extremely detailed solutions to unexpected possibilities mapping out every stage and everyone's roles#annabeth is just you're gonna go fight this guy and you're gonna fight that guy and we're gonna try to get this thing and that's the plan#she can be detail oriented when the time calls for it (re: architecture) but she knows that life is unpredictable#so keeping plans broader to account for possible deviations while still being successful is more important in a battle#than you know whatever jason's doing#this is fully based off my hc of pre-war paranoid anxiety fulled baby zeus spending too much time at the whiteboard#and now he has over a hundred different plans of attack with multiple contingencies for possible deviations#and yes he wants his freshly vomited siblings to memorize every single one (they do not. he hates it)#jason grace#annabeth chase#zeus#athena#i guess one way to look at it as well is that athena and her kids pride themselves on their intelligence#so whatever plan they come up with is The Plan and that's why they try to shift any deviation back to The Plan#they are stubborn about their intelligence and planning for contingencies feels like they are telling people they are unconfident about it#where zeus and his kids understand that you have to account for unexpected changes that throw the plan off course#trying to get back to the original plan will be difficult and sometimes impossible so its better to move with it#so accounting for possible deviations (eg. betrayals or a change in schedule and so on) is important to achieving the main goal
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#solrock#now *this* is the fucker that the one raid battle NPC had in swsh that everyone hated. including me. he served only to remove lives#fuckin mashing the rock polish button the whole time or whatever it was. doing Nothing Else. i feel like a lot of people who usually did#raids offline had that fucker's name and face memorized. cuz they'd see that they got him and just give up right then and there#at a certain point i feel like offline raids were just not very viable. the NPCs they'd give you to battle with were just so bad#and some of the higher star raids you really needed the extra firepower you just couldn't get from those NPCs#but also they kinda removed a lot of the incentive for joining other people's raids considering your catch chance was lowered by like 9000%#if you weren't the host of the raid. and if you were the host the percentage chance was so high it was basically guaranteed#i don't think i ever ONCE caught a pokémon successfully when i'd joined someone else's raid. and i don't think i ever once failed to catch a#pokémon when i was the host of the raid. it's just. i dunno! i stopped doing raids at a certain point. some people can get a pokémon game#and play it long long after the main story bc they get invested in raids and shit but i just lose interest at a certain point unfortunately#as much as i enjoy the game while i'm initially playing through it#hff. anyway. i'm queueing this up the morning of june 30th‚ aka the day of my first flight in 10 years. so. this won't post until mid july#and i'll have been back for a while by then but for right now‚ me writing these tags‚ i am very Anxious#saur. haha. y'know how it is. have solrock
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anyway other than meeting the loml today i also got a dual walking stick/dagger :)
#mmmm i also got a custom pirate hat and it’s so pretty#i pinned the butterfly on it to remind me of my pirate king husband who’s name left me the second he said it#i he was too hot yall and then he like bdksnekdnrkd#it was overwhelming i can flirt infront of people and i just dissociated my way thru that#i can’t*#and then i look at my camera roll and nope that all happened and i was just 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️#i never want to see him again also i want to propose to him on sight!!!!#no one has ever 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️😭😭😭🗣️😭🗣️😭 HE DIDNT HAVE TI DO THAT#I HATE IT I LOVE IT I HATE IT I I I DONT HATE IT BUT AHHH#IM DONe#Anyway my first time at the renfair was memorable 😳🫶#ALSO I MET ASTARION BUT IT WAS AFTER THE PIRATE DUDE AND I CIULDNT TAKE A PIC W HIM BC I WAS#STILL TRYING NOT TO EXPLOde#noodle posting
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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I : majored in english, has a masters degree in it, studying philosophy, and have been an English teacher/Junior translator for almost a decade now.
My grandma : there is our future doctor <3
#i still to this day don't know if she's in denial or thinks what i'm doing is a hobby#it gets funnier every time#especially today#i was like 'mimma i just came back from work i'm so tired' and she was like 'i make food right now for our future doctor'#like ???????#grandma i love your food pls don't give it to someone else#who doctor ? doctor who ?#me ??????#that is so NOT my career#my already existing one that i fought my entire bloodline for put aside#i can never be a good doctor let alone willingly choose it#1) i suck at biology and science and those pure memorization shit#2) i'm really sensitive to blood or injuries i might faint at just the mention of certain stuff (surgeries are crossed off i would DIE)#3) it's just not meant to be and that's okay#as a society we can't survive with one or two careers all of them are important in their own way#an exercise i would usually tell my students to do at this topic#is everytime you feel like someone's job is useless to close your eyes and imagine a world without it#if i managed to convince them hurray to them#if i didn't i ask them to imagine someone they care for work hard then get told their job is useless#(that on usually does the trick)#the thing is even if you're stuck with a job you hate or can't find a better one#there's still some impotance to that job in a way like they offer service or blah blah#yet it will suffocate you because it's not the career you were meant to have#that summed up means the work environment/pressure/nature are what we really define as useless because they can be unfair#but not the work itself#when we delete those previous stuff off the definition all careers are equally important#i hope i was clear#and i also hope my grandma remembers that too#story time
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#job's been sucking life out life out of me and it's getting harder and harder to go there and do the amount#of work that you know you're getting very underpaid for but you have no choice at the moment too so. 🥴🥴🥴#i hate this job at this point i can not imagine how people work their whole life on one job they hate they are so strong in every way#meanwhile my mental health is crumbling each shift i take haah 🙃#it wasn't good to begin with but my anxiety now is just a whole new level#i NEED to record on my phone the moment i lock the entry doors at the end of my shift#and i try to memorize the sound of the key turning in the keyhole as if video record isn't enough#i feel like my ocd is resurfacing badly i thought i had it more or less under control before i took the job#how wrong i was 😭😭😭#i just want to snuggle in bed and not leave the house for at least a week or two just to revitalize my social battery and will to#interact with people irl 🤡#okay one good moment tho there was a girl so beautiful today 🥺 that i couldn't keep it to myself and said to her how beautiful she was 🙈#and she said i was too 😭 i legit felt so shy to look at her that pretty she was and she had a cool neck tattoo 😳🥺#moments like these help me get through the day 😭#tbd
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having a "former gifted kid" type mental spiral
#i say this because the spiral is actually about how much i hate the word and the general culture around giftedness#mostly because its incredibly inconsistent between schools so people often mean different things when they say it#but also because in my specific case its certainly not a gift but like. what am i supposed to call it.#its literally a neurodivergence in my case that has had many effect postive and negative on my life. but its also a school club.#and its also nothing! before the advent of like modern standardized public education i wouldve just been a curious kid#Without modern public education im not sure i wouldve even been different from other kids. maybe a little socially awkward still but idk#and like. Am i really different from other kids? am I now as an adult different from my peers? Occasionally i will get told as such#how the fuck am i suppose to talk about how much being seperated from my peers and held to higher standards sucked#when the name of the reason why this happened might as well be 'gods specialist little boy'#none of the things that make people think im smarter are really all that useful day to day. and most non-gifted people are like. still smar#i happen to be good at memorizing the kind of facts schools test you on as children#but is that just because i was told as a kid to be good at school and so i tried hard to do that?#even if I am uniquely good at that#does that really make me more intelligent than the high school dropouts who can fix cars like its nothing?#in fact i would say they are at least wiser than me for picking something practical to be smart at#at my school being gifted usually implied you were a little neurodivergent and bad at socializing#often our gifted kids were actually failing classes because they were smart enough to realize they didnt matter#(not me but still)#but at some schools being gifted just means you were an avid reader or were pressured by your parents to maintain perfect As at all times#so if i say. wanted to talk about how being 'gifted' has often made some aspects of academia like hating emails and having time blindness#and not having a good friend network and having many unadressed issues around not really knowing how to make friends#if i wanted to talk about that. and i say 'I was gifted growing up and this sucked'#the person on the other end might hear 'oh woe is me im so smart and this makes my life so hard'#AND FURTHER STILL#on tumblr especially 'former gifted kid' has kindve become parlance for 'guy whining about nothing'#or even 'person who they were told was smart but is actually kinda dumb'#which... yeah! theres a reason many former gifted kids are like that! thats kindve my issue with the program in the first place!#it takes otherwise relatively normal if well achieving kids and tells them they are gods specialist little children.#THIS CANNOT BE HELPFUL TO ANYONE? like whatever chance the kids had at seeming normal has been stripped away#and they now also think they are the smartest person in the room in every situation
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just discovered one of my pet peeves is incompetency
#had a breakdown during class today sank into my debate teachers couch facedown did not get up for >20 min just sobbed into that pillow#but ANYWAY part of thta was bc i despise partner work/group stuff!!! why am i ALWAYS the one ppl depend on shut up leave me alone i hate it#first off did the ENTIRE paper in math BY MYSELF bc my partner was BAISCALLY useless and i just had to check everything she did#and that experience was bad. like rlly bad. main reason for my breakdown.#but ALSO we did a group assignment in a diff class where they contributed ZILCH. i barely even memorized all the terms and i STILL carried.#AND now at work one of my coworkers is like telling another else hey can u print this i cant find it in the folders and my boss is like#we need to get better at that kind of stuff (literally my JOB DUTIES) and im PISSED bc i KNOWWW i printed that shit last shift#go to check the folder and what do u fucking know. its there. truly. i hate incompentency#im not like mad at anyone. like my partner apologized for not helping in math but still. GRRRRRRRRRRRR. can i not be the slacker for once.#must i ALWAYS put in effort. always saving hope for the ONE day i dont have to pull more than my own weight during group work
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#it’s like. my biggest problem this time last semester was that i was worried about my evidence final because it was close book#and there was something i could do about that#i just memorized the federal rules of evidence#and i got an A on the test#i hate that there’s nothing i can do about this!!!!!#this sucks so bad!!!!!!
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sry i also started thinking abt how great my life would be if i was trapped in a timeloop again. i meant again as in i thought abt it again not as in I was trapped in a timeloop and id love 4 it 2 happen again. never been in one unfortunately.
#id be so awesome in the timeloop dude. you guys dont get ittt id slay in the timeloop#id memorize every single thing that happens nad itd be awesome id write a book abt everything that happens even. and id be able to sleep so#much and therd be no consequences for anything (aside from. what. me being stuck in the timeloop longer? DONT MIND IF I DO!!!)#and like if itsba 24 hour timeloop. dude i can do anything in those 24 hours. i could go across the world PROBABLY#like i could just empty allll of my savings and book a same day no stops flight . and then id just like be somewhere else. ajd i wouldnt#even have to worry abt getting back bc timeloop my guy!!!#sighh .. yk. every day alreadh feels all the same due to depression so mayyybe everyday feeling the same due to timeloop wouldnt actually b#awesome but i think it would be avtually bc the reason every day feeling the same feels Bad is bc i know they shouldnt.ik theyre different#im justgoing through the motions every day and i hate it. if every day actually was the same ? dudeee i wouldnt be sad abt every day#feeling rhe same bc it straighr up would be. i wouldnt feel like im missing out on something... And idbe able to DO different things bc i#wouldnt have to worry like Omg what will happen tmrw if i do something reckless today.. omg i cant spend this money bc rent is due next#week. omg i cant go do thus activity bc i have 2 work today.. Brother nobody has to work in a timeloop!!!#and all id have to do is like. kill somebody every so often so the time god or whateber doesnt think ive learned my lesson. and itd suck to#kill someone yk id feel badd. ig rly i could just rob a bank and not have 2 kill someone#well yk. some ppl. i would murder. mainly bc i think itd be kiiinda funny. but i shant go into thay more#Dude i could literally learn every language and read every single bookkkkkk god i wanna be in a timeloop so bad id thrive in the timeloop
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im going to have to start studying tomorrow
#ugh i hate it#and when i go back to uni i have to do an assignment for a class that is on the same day as the exam (stupid me)#and i think im supposed to use statistics? bro i dont even remember what dataset means#you are a chemistry class you are asking for too much#i need a longer break#anyway tomorrow i need someone to force me to study cause im running out of time#oh i can also study on my way to uni i guess#so when i get home i can work on the assignment which i hope wont take more than an hour#and then ill have the rest of the time to study for the exam#and i know most things i just have to memorize some values and remember some foods and micronutrients and tips and stuff#oh and ill have to rememorize the bmr formula#ugh have i already mentioned that i hate exams?#anyway im going to focus all my energy on the 3 most important exams and ehatever happens with the other 5 happens#fuck am i nervous#whose idea was it to have an exam the day we go back after the holidays?#jo says stuff#university update
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how was the new little mermaid movie did u like it
I liked it!! And as a certified live action disney hater that really surprised me! I genuinely cannot think of the last disney remake i saw in theaters that wasn’t just like soul eating but this one was super fun and very cute and really makes you root for the characters! Its a bit tone deaf at parts but like tbh its disney so like honestly the rest of it was fine! I cannot defend most of the cgi but i can say you get used to it and flounder is far and away the worst character in terms of design and all the ocean scenery was genuinely beautiful and cool to see on the big screen!
#there is one scene thats meant to be like touching and heartfelt and i need you to know the theater burst out laughing#like its been a while since ive heard a theater reaction like that so it was definitely memorable#she was on screen crying and literally the theater could not stop laughing 😭😭#i do think the middle was fucking great though#i think the beginning and end are a little weaker but tbh the middle was soooooo fun and funky fresh and cool so i liked it lots#oh and i love halle okay i do i had ungodly hour on repeat for like two years but smfnkdjssk i am also a musical lover…#and she is not BAD at singing but the problem is she is GOOD at it and is good at it in the way a like album singer is vs a musical singer#bc its DIFFERENT and that definitely came through and its not BAD but its not musical either so that threw me off a bit#i genuinely think its unnoticeable if you dont have issues like i do bc none of the ppl i watched it with said anything#one of them is a disney adult basically though so lmfao maybe they dont count but NO ONE ELSE said anything#its so so so so fun though like i cannot overstate that enough like i am a genUINE hater people know this i can and will hate anything#i barely need a reason i can just do it and this movie had me laughing and having a good time before we even hit the halfway mark#so that was very impressive to me bc as mentioned i 1. love to hate and 2. was prepared to hate this so i liked it thumbs up#i definitely have thoughts on some of the new music…. but once again i have problems. i liked it 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍#v.txt#genuinely everyone slayed actually wait awkwafina was weird that was a weird bad choice casting her but EVERYTHING ELSE good 👍#melissa mccarthy especially came out swinging but also i dont like the tag here bc why are there more gifsets of the random white girl than#there are of halle 🥴🥴🥴 but whatever thats unrelated MOVIE I LIKED AND WAS FUN!!!
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#part two omg <333#u can tell i originally was gonna tweet this and then it spiralled out of control to the point it got too long for tumblr tags. anyway#sometimes i just think about things and i get sooo mad lmao . i knew i was trans probably since i was like 11#meanwhile was so fucked up about this i just ignored it and slowly let it eat me alive for years and years until i hit my brink .#makes me so mad how the few like 'tolerant' and 'accepting' people around here act where theyre like#oh you can be that way but just ignore it <3 dont act on it <3' . you people would rather me go back to#being a suicidal 12 year old instead of actually existing and being happy. you people who know shit all about what i go through#its insanely funny to me too like compared to a large amount of people i am like extremely religious . i have#so much of the quran mf MEMORIZED. A SOLID CHUNK OF THIS ENTIRE BOOK. MEMORIZED#I CAN RECITE THE VERSES FROM IT IN PROPER FORM. i know more than my own dad does and yet.#everyone around me who isnt this at all is like oh yes we know sooo much about everything and this is#soooo gross and disgusting and perverted and sick and evil right maryam. yeah it sure fucking is besties <3#i can be everyones token poster child of having Envious amounts of knowledge and a role model for every future hafidha .#and yet you all only like me because you have to and youd all hate me if you knew anything about me#if you read all this my bad i am just crazy and angry and insane#i will go back to normal later i just need to be insane for a minute lollll#sometimes im like 'why am i so angry. why do i have ptsd' and then i remember how everyone around me is#vent#part two !!!!! wao <333
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Seeing you break the numbers down to their constituent parts and put them back together gives the impression that you're a very analytical person, and I love it
see i feel like it's the exact opposite haha i dont feel very analytical im just REAL visual. abstraction confuses me i have to have it all laid out in blocks like a little kid
#i was great at geometry but algebra made me want to tear my head off#because geometry is shapes and you can look at them#algebra was a lot of memorization and trying to make myself understand concepts that were just Told To Me#but didnt have any sort of immediate practical component to make them make sense#then again maybe i just had a really bad algebra teacher lol ive been told by math friends of mine#that it's all about the teacher. and most of mine seemed to not be very into letting us figure stuff out in like#whatever way made sense to us as opposed to the way we were told to do it because it was The Right Way#absolutely hated the show your work portions of tests. because i never did it the way i was told to . i could get the answer#but only if i ignored the instructions and broke it down into tiny components first and then built it back up
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