#like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bitchfitch · 1 month ago

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I had a shrink appointment today and while I could not see it I knew my doc was going through the five stages of grief while I explained my fool proof strategy for doing my t shots despite a crippling fear of needles: By abusing my vastly more crippling fear of being an inconvenience.

My mother and I play phasmophobia together every week. she usually has a pretty limited time to do this bc she's like. a doctor and a college professor whos always busy. So I asked her to just. hold me to doing them. We don't start playing until the shot is done. so my needle fear doesn't matter because now it's Wasting™ her time and I have to do it quick. Using one neurosis to defeat another.

It's a horrible coping mechanism because it's feeding the inconvenience fear, but it is definitionally a coping mechanism.

#im a 'has a panic attack during every injection or iv theyve ever gotten' type of scared of needles #no it genuinely has nothing to do with pain the needle itself is the fear not the using of it #like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out #because they were triggering the same part of my brain iv needles do #just the sight of them with the rest of my cute sewing pins was a problem #And the fear of being an inconvenience is so bad i cant eat around people or be in crowded spaces or talk at get togethers #without being paralyzed by fear of Being In The Way. its so bad ive been avoiding using my power chair bc it makes me take up #slightly more space than i would just standing. and i never took my manual out and about because i moved too slowly in it #and i dont take my crutches on planes despite using them everyday bc they cant fold up like my cane can and so are In The Way #one of the big reasons i dont use the chairs in stores is they have back up alarms. and i hate making noises in public #Yes this is part of the reason i want a Rottweiler for my service dog because i want people to look at the doggie Not Me.#I like people! i like being friendly and talking and making little connections with strangers!!! But i cant be the one to initiate or #be In The Way of a peaceful moment #dont look at me #this is also a big issue i have with making friends or changing the nature of a relationship because like. im autistic #I have Rules for social interactions memorized that i will follow. but moving people from one category to another #is difficult. It is too the point i had problems for litteral years talking to my boyfriend as though #he was a person i knew well and cared deeply for because i kept using the 'rando guy im flirting with on the Internet' script #I have commissioners i want to be friendlier with but my brain says No Stop that is an Impolite and Overly informal way to talk to #a customer™ despite them not being customers when they arnt in the commission process #im like thise huskies who are scared of carpet because its Different than the floor they're currently standing on #its Too different:(#and to be clear i am Completely aware of how none of this makes logical sense and is in fact deeply self destructive #That does not fix it. it is so ingrained in my head that im certain i could convince my brain to let me bite off my own fingers #before i could convince it to let me talk to someone at a help desk or ask my order be corrected at a restaurant

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