#i am. so tired of money dude.
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i'm going to talk to myself morosely in the tags for a bit to see if i can unknot the brain parts, disregard.
#i am. so tired of money dude.#i have insane student debt but i don't have insane OTHER debt and it's still so overwhelming#when i say not insane i mean like <5k#it's still way more than i should because that two fucking months without health insurance really fucked me up#but i can get on top of it with how much im paying for rent and meds and utilities and car payments and car insurance#and having to eat#like im in a much much better place mental health wise than i was but i think maybe ive made a mistake#the ability to cancel my student loans is huge. it's huge and i'm essentially guaranteed that from multiple directions in about three years#but the interim? i knew it was gonna be tight and it's gonna be less tight at some point but the last three months have just been barely#hitting each paycheck not in the hole and having to make car payments late and having to rely on credit for unavoidable overdrafts and#idk what to do lmao#and if the smoke thing w the apartment stays this bad it's gonna continue to negatively impact my health and i literally cant afford to mov#even to somewhere cheaper#i cant afford the initial payments to do that even though it'll be better in the long run#im so stressed and it's negatively impacting my relationships and i cant put my brain into working through my stupid fucking issues because#all in doing is surviving#and it makes me so sad because there's already enough in the world without my adding to it#im just tired dude and it's gonna be another week and a half of just. clenching my jaw and not sleeping#idk what to do dude moving back here WASN'T a mistake but im sure hovering on the line of really really feeling like it was#.... good motivation to do my fucking taxes i guess. like. TOMORROW.#not sure that helped but at least it's not just a weird mass in my chest anymore#and my hand is still fucked up and im never gonna be able to pay to fix it at this rate lmao#at least one of them sort of works.
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they invented a new kind of tired you only feel after doing an artist alley
#anime central#acen#artist alley#not art#i have never been so happy to be tired before actually. oh my god. that was so much fun#and i've still got two more days#someone even said they found me From Tumblr On The Tags so there you go. HI PERSON WHO SAW ME FROM TUMBLR#YIPPIEEE#it was so fun to meet people and it was so fun when people went HEY *I KNOW YOU.*#i made fucking BANK today dude AND VASH EVEN GOT DONUT MONEY !!!!!!!!! MY WAIFU#i am so excited to go back. but first i need to print more prints#ONCE AGAIN i am at Anime Central in Rosemont Illinois at Booth H29 In the Artist Alley and i'll be here all weekend#NICE TO SEE EVERYONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3#best first con and best first artist alley 8 years later. i love u ACEN. mwah mwah mwah
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I need things to stop happening this year I just want to have a normal last two months I cannot fucking afford another surgery I can’t deal with this
#I’m hoping this is just. normal breakthrough bc I missed a dose of T and not!! fucking cancer or something!!!#the cramping is so mild and everyone says atrophy/other issues have really severe cramping so.#fingers crossed? dude I don’t know what I’ll fucking do if it’s something serious#I don’t have the money or the time and I’m already so fucking tired#I’ve felt miserable since Friday I just. what the fuck am I supposed to do#I don’t have this in me.#my batteries are at zero.
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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frustrating how fucking. disabling. being disabled is rn. im tired
#migraine buddy helpfully showed me my midas score which puts me in severely disabled bc of my migraines based on their impact#which on one hand was helpful in a sense of like. hey dude. these things fuck you up and have a huge impact and jts a thing#most peiple dont have to deal with. but also was like. god yeah i sure am and also i sure am still working full time and having to just.#work thru them and cope bc i certainly cant afford to have less money#its so fuckin i furiating being disabled in the us. i cant stop working bc then ill loose my healthcare which still costs me so much money#scream. tired.#my PA for nurtec was denied bc my ins wants me to try a diff one first#which is stupid bc like one why do u get to override my dr for your budget.#why does my healthcare need to suffer because youre cheap. you arent living with this shit.#and also the alternatives they suggested are injection based which. is scary for me as someone who used to have a terrible needle phobia#jax is able to help me w them which is good bc i know i cant give myself them (maybe could do the auto injectors but idk)#but its still so. why are u like thia. also it took u so long to deny my PA and im on no preventatives rn waiting for Something#to be approved. ugh. scream.
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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Some random woman messaged me "sorry about your dad" today TRULY what the fuck is happening today I mean honestly. I told her to please feel happy for me.
#i am so tired dude the bastard is dead and for that i am grateful#she hasnt responded or anything#this is literally the second weird fucking person reaching out to me today reminding me if my father but this other guy#just used manipulation tactics very poorly. glad he decided to block me after trying to weasel his way back into my life#fuck all of you. whats happening. go to hell#im positive hes a blocker-stalker actually so wheres my money dude werent you concerned about that? i gave you my details and everything
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Ya know what inktober or cringetober, what have you, I'll be drawing all these Isaac au shitpost nonsense baby. I FEEL ALIVE. WITNESS MY CRINGE OR LOOK AWAY IN DISGUST. IM LIVING! WRAAGGHHH
#i have not been able to draw this much in years dude#i went thru a whole sketchbook in just two weeks its freaking epic#my brain juices my hand juices theyre coming to life#too bad my fmla will end in november. god i wish i was paid to draw nonsense like this#and trust me you do not need to know or play isaac to know what the heck is going on#im the master of not knowing whats going on and the master of catfishing. i dont know anything and you shouldnt either#its all about wink wink nudge nudge but i take full creative liberties. im taking the reins and going into maximum overdrive#and i hope my new followers enjoy what im spitting. please take a gander at the other things i draw because i have bursts of hyperfixations#i just want to be free to draw what i want ya know. i always feel held back because it doesnt go toward with improvement or making money#but i really think i am improving right now by drawing all this stuff my brain is spitting. my hand tryna keep up with my thought patterns#its nice. and my hand isnt cramping. why? cause i keep taking breaks. me taking breaks yet still drawing this much#youll know you improve if can get thoughts and sketches down fast and comprehensible when you go to clean it up#im rambling but i jsut want you to know that i am happy. even if no one really pays attention to what ive beeb doing. be it this or my ocs#im having fun. genuine fun. i am so tired so goodnight. i lov e you guys
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I'm currently having a minute to calm down after receiving verbal abuse from a customer because she made a mistake by not reading the tickets and I told her that. But just thinking about what a lovely evening I had last night drinking amaretto in the bath and snuggling with Maggie. We're going camping at the coast tonight and tomorrow and tbh I feel gross and tired and grumpy and want nothing more than my actual bed, buut I'm sure we'll have a lovely time and I'll feel much better for having gone somewhere new especially at the coast as I don't get to go to the beach as often as I'd like. An hour and a half left at work and then Matt is picking me up. Can't come quick enough 😭😭😭
#personal#retail is a bitch to work in#like please everyone who shops anywhere ever#read the fucking tickets#and don't shout at the staff when you don't read them#either be 10000% sure you've been charged wrong or at least be polite and query it instead of demanding money you're not entitled to#ugh i hate people today#even our bread delivery guy was like dude are you okay today#i was like naahhhh i dont think so lmao#just so so tired#and fed up#everyone is so rude today#i am so close to telling a customer to actually go fuck themselves today
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I know people say youre never too old to improve your art but hoh boy does it suck when burnout has made it impossible to improve as an artist as much as you wanted to in the past ten years and now im slowly accepting im going to feel like a mediocre artist forever :')
#And yeah my art is Ok#better than it was before but like#i am just so disappointed i havent improved as much as i wanted and also having a narcissist father who for years has discouraged my art#journey and he isnt subtle about thinking its a waste and how i should find a better career that gets me money faster#But my guy i am so fucking burnout and just not the brightest of people i am not fit for anything But art#and if i cant succeed in this field literally what is left for me#work some shitty retail job until i die?#literally worst fear#it also sucks bc being stuck in two soul sucking food service jobs in my late teens and early twenties made#trying to improve my art nearly impossible bc i was always so tired and so burnout and ive still felt like this even after quitting idk#point it ive tried but i havent tried enough but i dont have the energy to try more but if i dont try more im just going to keep being#a mediocre artist in my eyes and will never accomplish anything memorable#idk#i forgot where i was going w this but ig im just tired of feeling stagnant as an artist and not having the strength to fix it#Im just tired dude i wanna enjoy drawing again but everything feels like a chore
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I was so excited when I heard Test your Metal was coming back, I'm so disappointed why does it suck so bad now
#it's exactly the same as it used to be why is it so much shittier#is it me? have my tastes changed?#am I just having more trouble feeling joy playing this game in general?#is the writhing serpent of capitalist greed with ubisoft trying to bleed us for more money starting to piss me off?#idk man maybe I'm just tired#maybe I'm just rusty and out of practice maybe it's just a skill issue#either way I'm just not having a good time#and it feels weird since I loved Test your Metal the other couple times it's showed up#and the event gear is sick as fuck#so idk what it is about this one that just isn't clicking but man it hurts to play now lowkey#and god I really wish it didn't#idk how my favourite event mode became viscerally unfun to me but it brings me so much despair to see it fall like that#what happened dude#For Honor
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Oh dear GOD
grabs your hand. you've had enough plot and exposition and character development lately im taking you to the beach episode
#the fucking day I’ve had holy fucking god#first things first#my giant ass puppet breaks mid March#second#I get a parking ticket at school#third#my dumbass forgot my antidepressants#fourth#my tire went flat finally#fifth#I witnessed a hit and run#while in the parking lot waiting for the triple a tow truck#then an Uber eats driver from one of my friends food ordering comes back and asks me for the code when my friend is very much not around#WHILE I’m trying to the tow truck driver who is very kindly holding my flat ass tire#I blue screen#I ended up telling the Uber eats driver the code and that works out fine but then#I goofed the next interaction bc I took the flat tire from the tow guy and put it in my trunk snd the poor dude just goes#‘I was going to do that’#and I just blanked and say thank you and shut the trunk door and left once he gave me the okay and changed my tire#AND THEN#my moms phone breaks and I have to send her money for it#which I don’t have#bc my loan money won’t come in and is stuck pending#so I use my credit card#and oh dear god the amount of money I am in the hole rn in is crazy#but alas#tomorrow I wake up#go get new tire#and pay my tickets#and everything will be good again
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Required to file for unemployment in order to stay insured. Have to file within a specific 7 day period that starts today. Only 1 day off within that time frame (today) and it’s a sunday. Can’t access the application bc of my usual identity verification issues and can’t get help accessing it bc the office is closed. Don’t even know if I have to actually Qualify for unemployment in order to have insurance or just prove that I filed, don’t know what happens if I get a new job or what time frame it would have to be in etc. Can’t ask those questions either bc again it is sunday. Tried asking when I learned I’d be losing my job but was told I have to wait until my job officially closed (2 days ago). So what’s the point of being told in advance if u don’t get to do anything abt it until u have to scramble during a short time frame anyway. The irony of not having time to deal w this bc I do in fact have another job, for one more week. Just beyond the time frame in which I’d be able to file. Killing killing killing
#i hate america and i hate being disabled#all week I’ve been anxious abt filing today (it would Have to be today specifically)#was anticipating spending all day on it but ofc I’m just not even allowed to try#that certainly impacts the rest of my day. i have a lot of other smaller tasks i have to do#but wanted this out of the way first so I wouldn’t be like filled w fear as i do those tasks#now i have more time to do those tasks. but like. do it sad#im tired of trying to apply for things that are clearly not open to me dude its such a waste of time#all it does is make me feel more hopeless and angry#i dont even care abt unemployment benefits. I wouldnt have bothered just for the sake of it bc I know theres no way in hell id get them#but I literally am required to. I have to play this stupid game of pretending I’m eligible for smth I’m not. bc I need insurance#loses my insurance bc I lost one of my 3 jobs. none of which offer insurance#hell world hell world I hate everybody#also the third job I mentioned is that I’m still mascot at my school#the hours are so sporadic it doesn’t feel like being employed but I technically am. idk if that would count but I don’t get to ask#my unpaid job starts soon and I’m thinking abt having 3 jobs Again. not even just for money but for insurance#during full time grad school. I feel like I’m going to actually have a heart attack or smth this year#mine#txt#personal#vent post
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do you think my characters hate me for loving them and hateing them and putting them thru it?
#i wrote this and immediately thought#its not that serious go to sleep#but i noticed i have a kinda insert in a couple of my stories and the thought came to me#im like god in those stories but i hate having me in stories so i dont name them after me but deep down i know they are me#its werid. all of my ocs are me or someone i feel like i would like#like tobi i love that dude#idk im gonna sleep#this always happens when i go outside and then am forced to part with large sums of money because life#“im gonna go on my stupid walk for my stupid health”#“sure love that. btw you have to pay this btw. give me ur money. ur not using it right? promise i wont take it all”#*takes it all*#its so fucked too because i end up spending more because im so fuck it done#“i only have 24 dollars and 37 cents for the rest of the week even tho i got paid literally yesterday...i have to make it last...”#“whatever if i die i die im just gonna spend it on lunch idc anymore”#and lunch is like. chiken tenders. because i wanted hot food. and it sucks because i cant like. ask ppl for money.#because im sure there are ppl who need it more than someone who cant budget. i think they think i make more than i actually make.#i think thats why they keep taling so much. they dont account for taxes that get taken out because. i cant count. i will not lie. but i sai#i told them i get paid an amount hourly. and i timed that by the 40 not including what gets taken out. and then i#counted how much they keep taking from me and if i dont get taxes taken i would have a whole 100 extra to my name!#idk it would be awkward and difficult if i aired my grievance to them because then we wouldn't have a place to sleep anymore. or whatever h#whatever house we're supposedly saving for.#idk i dont procces my emotions deeply and im tired of sleeping in a hotel but its our cheapest option right now.#its better than staying in that house with the lights and water cut off because it was too expensive#idk. its not bad tho. i can get to work. i can take a bath. everyones crammed in one room but theres internet. i can go on my phone#lisyen to music or something. im sure i#thankfully. i dont want for things. so im not like ordering clothes and stuff we dont have room for. i just have a bed. which is nice.#oh no it turned into a vent
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I always felt the live push was kind of weird, and that explains it (goddamn corpos).
Maybe an unpopular opinion (please do not boo me off stage) but I think Live could have a place if done correctly and - and this is the important one - regulated. I think the primary problem with live - aside from feeling like it is constantly being shoved down our throats - was it felt more like it was trying to capitalize on the TikTok adjacent, influencer farming, algorithmic content bs that frankly so many of us are fatigued from being exposed to. The amount of control a Tumblr user has over the content they choose to engage with by comparison is phenomenal. And Live was the direct INVERSE of this principle.
Live could work well as a feature, but as long as it integrates with the rest of the existing experience. The current problem is it feels like Tumblr and then this weird thing tacked onto the side of it. Again people are here on Tumblr to get AWAY from being pushed content from people they're not following and have no interest in.
To really get this to work I feel you need to restore the user control here. For example - an artist you really like is going to stream? Cool! Maybe you can get a reminder when they go live (again, only if you choose to get the notification from them - either because they have a promotional post and you can click it to 'set reminder for this stream' or something) and you could pop the stream out like the videos do and keep it on the side of your dash with a chat box underneath while you scroll through your dashboard (at least for the desktop experience). Or you can open a tab of 'who is live now' from people you actually follow. Now if people actually want to go through a discovery section that's more algorithmically managed, that should be contained in it's own thing.
Honestly I feel this is the underlying theme of why a lot of us long-haulers cling to Tumblr - we want the user experience to be prioritized. We don't want to be 'told' what we like constantly and feel like we're merely being grifted for money all the time. Algorithms can be good, I don't mind poking around in the 'For You' tab on occasion to find new people to follow, but that's merely to add to my existing curated dashboard feed. Not to replace it.
In summary, the closing points of my Live related TED talk:
Live could work, but it has to fit with what core Tumblr actually IS if you want it to work.
Content curation is extremely important to Tumblr users and is the whole appeal in an internet that is just constantly using machine learning to squeeze as much money out of us as possible. It's against the grain. It's our hellsite.
Don't shove Live in peoples faces unless they choose for it to be there. And if they choose to look in the algorithmic section, for the love of god please have categories, filters, tagging etc. and whatever it takes to keep the pornbots off it please. (aka another reason why forcing live = bad because now you've got the full monty on your dash and you can't control it)
Emphasize user privacy and choice. I've been seeing shit about the intense level of data Tumblr Live apparently collects, which I am presuming is within the terms of that contract. Tumblr users, again like control. Of both what they choose to engage with and what is done with our data. We pass around enough firefox/adblock/anti-data-scrape posts as it is, it should be obvious.
USER. CHOICE. That's it. No really think about it, the whole internet is turning into a wriggling pit of algorithmic bs that's engulfing everything. It's going to get stale, really quick (I mean with the way I keep seeing articles about social media 'dying' - it already is. And they're all sites that have either been heavily focused on or pivoted towards algorithm). Freedom of choice is the whole appeal here.
Treat your userbase well, they'll treat you back. It's a longhaul strat but it's more guaranteed than alienating your entire userbase to make a quick buck (see the website formally known as Twitter for this one). This is an extremely out of left field example but - Final Fantasy XIV, I feel has treated its community excellently over the years. That game initially was a train-wreck. It's now considered one of the best (and possibly biggest) MMOs, all because they stuck to their core userbase who stuck by them, and listened. I am willing to let my FFXIV sub roll over, for months, without playing sometimes because it's one of the few subs I will pay for where I feel what I get out of it EXCEEDS the value of what I'm paying. And I'm actually happy to do that, I consider it a donation.
Look up 'Enshittification'. Yeah. Don't do any of that basically.
Uh thanks for coming to my TED talk idk where else to stick this so sorry it's being tacked on here 💀 Signed, person who has been on tumblr way too long (since 2010) and seen like 2-3 social medias die in my lifetime.
Since the other ask didn't seem to cover it, Why is Live being kept as a feature? It's almost universally hated, there's a post that circulates every week reminding us to turn it off so we don't forget to do so, the only feature live has is porn users which appeals to small portions of the user base but otherwise isn't worth the hassle. Why is this feature still Around? I'm genuinely wondering, this isn't meant as an attack, I just do not understand how a feature so detested could possibly be beneficial to the site.
We have a contractual obligation to try to make Live as successful as possible through the end of the year, and we'll do our best there. By January, aligned with the new more focused approached of Tumblr teams, we'll re-assess whether it should be part of the Tumblr app anymore. That's all I can really say about it, and I hope that answers your question and gives you something to look forward to in 2024.
#tumblr meta#kerytalk#before anyone knee-jerk reblogs: please use some of that comprehension to read what I've said before LIVE DIE#I am so fucking sorry this is so long but idk this is basically the shit everyone I talk to is saying#we're tired of feeling like we're good for nothing but money#not even seen as people#we're just here to have fun dude#provide enough value? we will gladly pay you in kind because we KNOW it's getting rare these days#anyways best of luck Tumblr staff I hope you kill it in 2024#pls begging staff read this#also tell me where to send these things idk
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Where are all those "strong work ethic, hates working" posts that were going around like 2 days ago
I need them for today specifically
#ramble#stayed an extra 3 ish hrs at work today to help my shift lead#and did extra tasks around the store#because 2 dudes decided to call oyt and if i didn't stay it was just giing to be 3 ppl in the kitchen until 2 💀#yay extra money or whatever#but i am so tired
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