#i am never sleeping again fuck this
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FUCK THEM UPPPPPPP TILL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD
The visuals of Till's splash art (in my humble opinion, the best one so far) is STUNNING. AND very interesting.
For Till specifically to cover All-In is an interesting message to give off, All-In is a song about freedom. A type of freedom that allows you to live confidently and freely, creating whatever type of world you want, the stage is yours, so make what you want of it. living confidently in YOUR OWN SKIN. And living freely "cause you only got one life to live"
Freedom is something Till fights for relentlessly, and confidence is a bravado, as by far the most uncontrolled and tested person in the cast, he still fights for his boundaries and self-expression even when he's punished, molded into something he's not, or beaten into obedience, tested far past the limit; he never loses his bite. A wild dog can never be tamed.
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This is the cover that follows what becomes of Till after round 6, and still, in Till's all-in, he sounds so raw, pained, energized, and passionate desperation is evident. It's a contrast from HyunA's celebratory cheers and upbeat mood because Till isn't celebrating the idea of freedom; he's angrily proving to everyone, especially the aliens, that he isn't backing down yet and he'll still keep fighting and that he can fight for his own freedom.
Till's cover of All-in is truly the most powerful depiction of Till's fighting spirit, after everything he's gone through, the pain, the grief. It's all in his voice and the way he sings he's pained the entire time he sings and he's aggressive because the fire of his spirit is lit once again. He's going "all-in" so to speak and expressing himself.
The tape around his neck--
It's a contrast to HyunA who doesn't mind showing her brand, even proudly showing it off as a form of reclaiming her individualism.
Till is different. Because being reminded that he is and was once a pet is not something he would want to remember about himself, he will always bitterly try to distance himself from that fact in any way he can, HyunA feels free from the system when she can own it, but when Till sees his branding, he'll still always feel that collar. It's a testament to his self-deprecation, as long as the evidence of his past is present, and he still feels all the pain the aliens inflicted on him, It'd be presumptuous to think he'd ever feel like he can relate and fit in with the other "fools" who are so free.
It'd be presumptuous to think he'd ever feel free. That's what the aliens wanted, right?
Another interesting part of this is that the name 'All-in" is actually a real-life poker reference, to go "all-in" in poker is to voluntarily bet all of your remaining chips, there is nothing else you can do but hope for the best after that point (and hope you win).
When HyunA sings All-in, she deceives you into thinking she has the upper hand or good hand, and that she will win. When Till sings it, he's giving it all away recklessly, he's showing all he has. Basically, him saying fuck it. he doesn't know if he'll win or not but says, "Let's go all-in and risk it all anyways" Even if internally he knows that this is stupid and risky, this is his foolish rebellion.
At this point he has nothing to lose and nothing to gain, it's his final stand as he lets his heart out not for the crowd, but for the family he lost, himself, a form of self-expression. He will be so nervous, so aggrieved but it's the freest he will ever feel on that stage.
The color symbolism also drives me CRAZY.
For his other two splash art, he's been represented with a color close enough to teal. In both songs, he's open when he sings and fully serene. Teal is a generally calming color, and it's not too evocative. It's more emotional (and has it's own reservations)
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And then, we have green, which is a general symbol of growth, new beginnings, and freshness. After all, Till has been through all-in is a sign of his growth. And a new era of his life, or in other words a sudden tonal shift from his depressive state in round 6.
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And for my favorite (it's not.) part! the head shot, (interesting how his has nearly the biggest impact out of them all.)
A bit of a theory.
It's a bit similar to one particular art of him, he has a little shape that's almost akin to impact from a gunshot near the same area.
So, I think this is tell-tale symbolism for a future injury, but the gun portrayed is a bubble gun. I believe it is symbolism for the wound being non-fatal, so even if Till loses and gets shot, he'll survive, fundamentally changed. and will probably join the rebellion, too.
/side note
The heartbeats in Till's version of all-in are faster and louder than HyunA's version, similar to CURE.
#trust me im qmeng#till all-in cover got me tweaking out big time do you UNDERSTAND how long i waited for this#ever since the teaser#GUHHH#IT'S BEEN IN MY MIND SINCE#i am never sleeping again fuck this#am i crazy about till alien stage no of course not#haahahah#if this sounds like a big rant i just want till to live bear with me WAIT NO COME BACK#im going so crazy about this its not even funny its so serious#this shit is so good though#the growls#and everything#urgh#till alien stage#alien stage#alien stage till#alnst#alnst till#i just really like how this song isnt all that much lika hyunA's in terms of tone#it has the same beat but when you look deeper into it. this is more dark than youd expect#to me it's not a cheerful take on All-IN it's a darker one through the perspective of someone on their final rope aggressively proving he's#not broken#this is also him grieving#everything about this scares me but i have a lot of faith in him.#(praise akugetsu I couldn't thank you enough)#alien stage round 6#alien stage round 7#alien stage analysis
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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards
*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a#few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but#you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device#they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause#nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to#keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter#raaa#and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs
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was watching apocalypse with my brother and once the cerebro scene popped up he was like 'charles has a helmet like erik, only instead of keeping people out, he tries to reach out and connect with others' like guys i need to bash him with a rock
#xmen#xmen apocalypse#xmen movies#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#is this cherik. probably#snap chats#GENUINELY what is his deal#'snap i thought you were watching x2' and i finished it and then my bro came up so i decided to rewatch apocalypse while he was here#hello chat. im aware the people enjoy my brother's quotes so here i am sharing another as it has damaged my brain#GUYS I HATE MY BROTHER WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THIS SHIT BEFORE I CAN THINK IT#so real tho ..... also i may be drunk so maybe im more emotional about this revelation than i should be but still#basic observation im aware but still ... doesnt become less wack when you say it out loud ....#thats so fucked ... i mean 'people' being charles but still ... why would you say that#i still have some of my whiskey left so im gonna pound it and then drink some water and probably cry myself to sleep#or ill doodle a sketch idk. im inspired.#for now good night !!!!!!!!!!!!! all my brother does is accidentally inflict psychic damage upon me#AGAIN you never expect it from your brother but thats what makes it esp whiplash inducing .......
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and stalling only goes so far when you've got a head start
#nobody talk to me i am so fucking IN AGONY#HEAD IN HANDS. AT LEAST SOME PEOPLE CAN BE HAPPY???????#jinx#jinx arcane#powder#powder arcane#arcane#arcane spoilers#im afraid i have to admit guys i just stopped watching after this episode. it was so fucking (bitter) sweet and by far the happiest#i've ever been post-arcane-episode#god!!!!!!! i don't want to ruin the high!!!! and i don't want to see everyone start fucking suffering for their lives again !!!!!#in my defense i finished at like 8 am after not sleeping all night so. i was also tired. but now after waking up#i just don't want to continue Even More o777#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#idk how fast people usually watch episodes so i'm mass tagging even more than usual#god fucking. aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#time taken on this like 3-4 hrs#in my current state of mind (completely off my rocker abt this show) i can probably fuel like Months worth of fanart#from just this one episode. sooooo what if i just never watched the rest fhhggggskfjnfnfnfndjsjd#nah i know i'm gonna end up watching it. eventually. soon probably but idk how soon. anyways. peace out guys. live laugh love 😭😭😭😭😭#my art#the funny thing about this is that i drew it facing the opposite way and then flipped it to check and never. flipped it back.#uhhhhh. don't worry about it
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ingo’s a rubix cube kid and Emmet was a tetris kid
#spenxer lou art#lou is an artist#submas#submas emmet#submas ingo#subway bosses#subway boss emmet#subway boss ingo#subway master emmet#subway master ingo#I played tetris for like an hour and a half last night. shit has ruined me#Emmet I am cursing you with tetris. I literalyl sent a message to my friend today and I was likehmmm. how do I fill the holes in these lett#do you know how difficult it when your thoughts start turning to blocks slotting into place whenever you aren't paying attention to things#it's a problem when they're invading your dreams#I'm fucked dude. I miss playing pool.#anyways. emmet had a really bad time when he was in his tetris phase. he literally was eat sleep tetris#every single thought he had was about tetris#could not pay attention to teh shit he needed to. did not eat unless reminded. shit was fucked#it ended and he was freed. the next time he got reminded he was stuck for a month and vowed to never touch it again#he tries his best to stay away from it#vaugely gestures. I'm going back to playing tetris
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#not sure how long I can go on feeling like this#like its fine im fine im not going to do anything permanent or harmful#but my tolerance for discomfort I am finding out is absolutely in the fuckingn ground#which makes a lot of sense considering the amount of coping mechanisms I’m using To numb on a regular basis#but holy fucking shit I can’t keep feeling like this#i need to start feeling like myself again#i don’t feel like myself#i feel no creativity#no spark#no interest#everything is difficult#even everyday tasks like putting on makeup feel like climbing a mountain#and I feel so ashamed for the struggles#and Caige keeps telling me to be gentle with myself#but I feel like I can’t be because if I’m gentle with myself than I’m scared I’ll never get out of this pit#i feel like I just need to power through it#was googling#‘how to get over burnout without taking a break’#and it’s like. ‘how to fill up your car with gas without putting any gas in the tank’#but I’m so fucking stubborn I feel incapable and unwilling to give myself time or space#which is dumb because it’s not like I’m making any progress with the way things are going now#im just exhausted#sleeping so much#don’t know how to get back to myself#rabbit rambles#no need to say anything I just needed to get this off my chest
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While the dynamics of Bruce being the hopelessly smitten party in a unrequited love situation is interesting, I personally prefer it when it's the other way around except Bruce actually does love them but he's repressed his feelings so hard that he's kinda forced himself to forget about them and unless something forces them awake, they're cooked.
soo understandable
something i find so intriguing about bruce is that yes, he's a master at forcing his feelings down but as soon as he accepts them, he tends to go all in. straight into the deep end. he doesn't know how to not be so fucking intense.
so i think this situation would be kinda wild kinda fun in the sense that like. you have the whole initial angst of clark ((using him because he was in the original post)) truly believing that bruce does not, can not, will not love him back, and he's so sure of this because bruce is so sure of this. bruce shows no sign of loving him back because of just how deep down he's repressed it all. and generally clark is like "he's still my best friend and i'd love him even if he hated me," but also it still fucking sucks that the love is unrequited, right??
and then something happens and for the sake of this we'll say it's something like,, clark gets severely hurt in the field and someone kind of confronts bruce with his feelings and he finally has this moment of "okay shit yeah this is real" and that's when the repression goes away. that's the moment he accepts it.
now here's the thing. clark didn't know about bruce's feelings because bruce had pretty much forced himself to forget them. bruce does not have this issue with clark. he knows exactly how clark feels (world's greatest detective, obviously). so he does it. he dives straight in. pulls out all the stops.
and that's where the additional angst kicks in. because like. bruce has shown absolutely no sign of being interested in clark in any way. literally none. and now clark gets hurt and suddenly bruce is asking him on dates and saying he's in love with him and what the fuck?? clearly bruce is just confused because of the whole near-death thing. he doesn't actually love clark. clark would've known (he can hear the man's heartbeat, his breathing, can see every microscopic detail of the expressions he wears when talking to clark, and nobody can fake that, not even bruce). and now clark's all extra hurt on the inside because holy shit bruce finally loves him back and it's not even real??
obviously there's a happy ending somewhere in there of clark realising that okay shit yeah this is real. however in my head this is also a comedy so most of it is just bruce trying so desperately to convince clark that he genuinely does love him that he binges as many romcoms as possible and starts copying them. his kids start feeding him fake romcom moments or being like "this worked for a friend of mine" just to make him do the most ridiculous shit possible.
#if i am being real i completey forgot i was answering an ask halfway through this i just started having fun#i just like the idea of alfred asking bruce why he's watching notting hill at three in the morning in total darkness in the batcave#and bruce being like 'there is somebody i am attempting to... woo.'#and one of the batkids overhears & they tell the others 'we cant let this happen he needs to screw this up so he can get with clark instead#and it isn't until bruce hits his breaking point as is like 'ohh my fucking god clark is never going to believe me this isnt working'#and theyre like 'oh shit oh fuck its clark we fucked up this is it'#it's also important you know that clark recognises these tactics. him and lois have their own marathon once they catch on.#lois drives herself crazy trying to figure out what movie a certain one is from (it's one that came to tim in a dream)#i'm gonna stop this here bc i am quickly losing sight of the ask once again#but either way#yes i also like bruce repressing the shit out of his feelings.#we are in agreement#i need to go to sleep goodnight#bruce wayne#batman#clark kent#superman#superbat#batfamily
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Hello guys!!!!! Aforementioned project is finally finished 🫠 It was meant to be just a simple weekend project, and ended up being 30+ hours over the period of like four days. I don't think I'm an actual normal human anymore. This is the project that caused everyone in my life to question my mental and physical wellbeing and health. But I'm super excited to share this all of you!!!! Please enjoy!!!! Even if you don't like vettonso, I hope this is still interesting????
If you make any, please reblog this or tag me in it! I'm excited to see what other people, other than just me suffering alone in my bedroom, make out of this!!! <3
#jesus christ i cant believe i actually made this 😭😭#originally earlier last week i was like ahhh i wanna draw more of them in different eras(like the timeswap au)#and then randomly wanted to draw every single racesuit(nightmare)#and then im like WAIT I CAN MAKE A PICREW OUT OF THIS#no joke when i say i dont think i was a human this weekend#it was truly: eat. sleep. draw. eat. draw. sleep. draw. eat. draw. draw. sleep.#the screentime count on my ipad is soooooo fucking bad im ashamed dhfjfkkg#i dont think picrews are meant to be made in the span of a weekend#*weakly* i did it~#again as i said in the description. please request if you want anything added!!!#i dont know if ill get to it immediately bcs i just spent 30+ hours psychologically torturing myself#i actually feel so ill JSJFKGLGLG but im happy w it and i wouldnt have gone back and changed any of the process#tho the evolution of 'im having so much fun' to groaning every time i opened up my ipad again was so funny#thank you so much to suzuki i could have never have done this without your support and encouragement 🥹🥹#hoping this picrew works as a blood sacrifice to the good health and wellbeing of the amr24. the car that is launching today!#also istg i am going to dm shill and self reblog this with no shame. it is my magnum opus(as of now)#now i am going to sleep and not touch my ipad for a while djfkkglg#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#catie.art.#vettonso#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion
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here together
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobotomy corporation spoilers#abram lobcorp#i didnt know that the song that plays during day 48 ending is called 'here together'.#couldnt hear it well because i typically have my sound low (sensetive to louder sounds) and also the dialog fucked me up#so when i pressed on it to hear it. to actually listen to it. then to see the name and remember what it Looked like#i got teary eyed. sorry.#it happened quite. afew times when finishing this shitty thing#i was thinking of how camren's not quite corpse looked as if it were reaching out to him inside the container#how it looked as if she had wings. abrams words. the line from one story that was--#something like 'we were hoping it was just one big prank and she would hop out fro. around the corner with a smile on her face'#how do you move forward when all you think you cause is pain? when everything else youve done only brought to bring people you love to thei#downfall and demise inside agony and fear as they lay dying. none of that was merciful. none of that was just. they were told to carry on#her dream and he views as if all he had done was to become cruel and wasnt fit and never even began to finish what she started.#it was so striking to me. the language he used. sleeping. alseep. waken. when all the others never sugarcoated it#in lobcorp they always said it straight. 'suicide' 'killed' 'dead'. but he used something far more.. peaceful? kind in wording in a way.#softer. describing death as if it were a merciful thing. an end that suits them and not something to be afraid of. to just... sink. to slee#to be with carmen again. to put everything to an end#the place they built with their hands. to have it just... stop. not in a way of repeating and staying in the moment#but of a permanent end. to 'sleep'. to die. to just.... stop. forever. to see no more. to do no more#to not be able to do Anything for when ever he had done Something it just cause agony. cruel hands partaking in acts he so deeply#regrets. everything is just regret. it sounds nice. to move on. to just move forward. but how can you move forward when all you think you#bring to those you cherished and couldnt leave behind is pain?#ill likely move this somewhere else as well. ive been meaning to talk about abram#the rest as well actually. mostly just the few final days w abel adam and abram since i am STUCK ON DAY 49#oh dear i uh typed a lot in the tags. oops
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So Noah is openly being a zionist online... AGAIN. I'm seeing a lot of people wanting to leave the fandom- which I support, if you can drop this then you should. But if you're like me and it's not that simple, here are a couple rough tips that might help;
Pro-tip; instead of paying for Netflix and helping support genocide and the zionists in the cast/crew, cancel your subscription and send that money to charities that are bringing aid and resources into Gaza!
Pro-tip 2; buy fan content and nothing liscenced! Fan works are often better quality than the show- from drawings, to writing, to pins... it's worth the money and you aren't sending money to people openly supporting genocide and the murder of children!
Pro-tip 3; if you are going to continue taking part in fandom, like myself, do not do so in silence. Palestinians are being murdered and we can't pretend that it isn't happening simply because we have hyperfixations that we can't get rid of.
Pro-tip 4; join boycotts! Not only the monetary boycott of Netflix and Stranger Things, but- at least- the three main boycotts; McDonalds, Disney+ and Starbucks! There are many others, from Puma to Barclays to Booking.com to Pizza Hut to Burger King... None of these things are necessities and you can easily go without! Other options are probably cheaper and better quality too! It's a win-win!
Pro-tip 5; Go to protests if you can! Make your voice heard not only online but in person too! We have strength in numbers and we cannot lose the momentum we've barely started to build! Take direct action!
P.S. biggest fuck you to Noah Schnapp but also; Ross Duffer, Shawn Levy and Brett Gelman can suck the shit right out my ass <3
#stranger things#side not that I've lit never paid for netflix#unfortunately I've already paid for travel for that fucking stage show and I'm not willing to waste that money so :/#catch me taking photos of whatever merch I like and finding fan dupes though lmao#but again; fuck zionists. fuck them straight to the depths of whatever hell there is#and I'm going to sleep right after posting this so the potential fallout to this will be... uh... something#but I am kind of curious to see if anyone attacks me for continuing the way I am like I wasn't one of those who called noah out before this#but noah spreading isreali lies and zionist propaganda wasnt that big of deal until now I guess 👀#anyways free palestine and pirate stranger things 🏴☠️🖖 goodnight
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fellas if a guy always sits next to you in monthly gatherings with over 20 ppl talks w/ you for 7 hours+ straight kinda zones out when he's not talking to you and actually accepted the one (1) time you invited him for a festival thing the same exact day even though he was swamped in studies for finals would it be overstepping to invite him to anywhere else outside the monthly gatherings or should I kill myself for even thinking about it? 🤔🤨 rn I'm thinking option two...
#“but tani he clearly enjoys your company!” Yeah so did this girl I liked years ago#who one time confessed that was also into me but then never again accepted my invitation over movies or smth and I never saw again#Or my ex gf who went away on vacation and then never texted back when she came back#or my best fucking friend who just. treated me awful after I told her I liked her even though I didn't expect her to like me back#Point is. I don't trust people and I'm also clearly bad at this 😔#tani's personal shit#broooo why can't I be romanced....😭😭😭#God. Deleting in the morning.. it's 4 am and it's just too hot to sleep and I'm Agonizing..
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so much for my nice relaxing weekend curled up inside with my book and my fresh bread that I made
my mom sent me a guilt trip text at 1 AM because apparently I haven't Atoned Enough for... being upset about her terminal illness on christmas, and crying, and being further upset that they left me alone to cry by myself, and snapping at my stepdad's mom for being homophobic at me while I was crying about being left alone to cry about my mom's terminal illness. and apparently I owe my stepdad's mom an apology for ""screaming at her"" (I did not scream) ""even if you think you were slighted"" (she was homophobic)
and it sucks because I thought we were past that, I actually was feeling a lot better and like I'd recovered from All The Emotional Drain That Was Christmas. and I waited MONTHS to start that book bc I was feeling shitty emotionally and I wanted to be able to enjoy it, and my plan for the weekend was to do that, and now it's all just. a big stupid pile of ugly feelings on the floor again
#I also did not sleep#because she sent me this text at 1 AM#and I was awake until 7 AM#and I'm hurt that she continues to not hear me#and to say things like 'even if you think you were slighted'#it's not that I was HURT oh no we can't allow for that. it's that I only THINK I was ~slighted~#(I can't be HURT I have to be SLIGHTED bc then she doesn't have to acknowledge culpability in hurting me by ignoring my emotional needs)#and she's terminally ill so it's not like I can be like 'hey all my life you've never let me have negative emotions'#'and you don't actually listen when I try to express negative emotions to you because you'd rather I Not Be Having Them At All'#'and this just feels like more of this and it's not fair'#because she'll just. be pointlessly guilty about it and she'll cry and it'll make her feel worse without changing anything#and she's already in enough physical pain as it is but there's no way to talk about these issues when she doesn't see what they really are#and I don't want to keep picking at this fUCKING scab of something I thought I had closure on but my mom can't let go of for some reason#and I just...... wanted to have my weekend with my fresh baked bread and my book#and I wanted to feel good and cozy and relaxed#and now it's broken again
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I get a little indignant when i look up the lyrics for a song that has very straightforward and understandable meaning to anyone who has experienced a modicum of emotional pain in their life and there are websites like "Song Lyrics Explained" like ohhh some people have never had their heart broken I see.
#my stuff#if you look me in the eyes and say you don't 'get' Sleep Token's Apparition or Take Me Back To Eden in general...#like what even is there to say. they're about waking up from bittersweet dreams abt ppl you can't see anymore for reasons you didn't choose#and longing to return to experiences that cannot be recreated if the people you love don't make the effort to hold onto it like you do.#i am quite literally sick with longing and grief these past couple days and these are the only songs keeping me halfway sane#this all could have gone so very different. i know where you are. i know how to reach you. but i can't. you asked me not to.#so i have to cope with the knowledge that you're a short walk away almost every day and yet I'll probably never see you again#and it's not because i did anything wrong you're just the sort of person who can't be friends with someone after a romance#and your goodbye was absolute shit and i hate it and i want some fucking shred of acknowledgement that i deserve better!!!!#i want to know you aren't just trying to forget me entirely!! I want to be remembered!! I am remembering you!!
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ohhh my friend came over and we somehow ended up watching the entirety of tpn season one and ray still makes me so fucking sick. im goig to tear apart steel beams with my teeth
#skye's ramblings#THOUGH IM ALSO JUMPING AROUND SOO FAST BC SHE LIKED IT. shes like my only irl friend shes known abt my illness since the start#i take my ray plushie when i sleep over at her house she calls him my little guy. i genuinely didnt think it'd interest her much#we were literally just bored and she randomly picked up v1. 2 pages in she was like 'oh this is really addicting can i borrow this'#FELT AUTUSM KICK INTO MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. said we could watch the anime n after ep1 she was like oh this is really good#cant describe how much i am jumping off tge walls in my mind. shes never been able to get into anime till now. i think i just won at autism#of course w the excitement comes escape arc ray once again hitting my brain with hammers god i love him so fucking much guys. i'm nauseous#it'll be 3 years since my first watch soon btw i wonder if ray emotions will ever stop making me physically ill. ifuckng love yuou raaay...
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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I’M GOING TO SEE ONLY THE RIVER FLOWS IN THE CINEMA ON THURSDAY I AM SO NOT READY
#i can’t believe this happens not a month after i finally gave up hope and watched it online#also i found out largely by accident when i couldn’t sleep and decided to scroll through that specific cinema’s website at 3am two days ago#THE MOVIE IS ONLY HERE FROM THIS THURSDAY UNTIL NEXT WEEK WEDNESDAY#AND I WILL BE AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND#THIS THURSDAY AND NEXT WEEK WEDNESDAY WOULD LITERALLY BE THE ONLY DATES I’M AVAILABLE TO GO SEE IT#I NEARLY FUCKING MISSED IT YALL#BUT ITS HAPPENING!!!!! i am so stoked#i am gonna see my favourite ever guy on the big screen#honestly i may just end up also going to see it on wednesday bc i might never get this chance again#AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH#truly he has blessed me this past month#our lord and saviour zhu yilong
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