#and I was awake until 7 AM
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so much for my nice relaxing weekend curled up inside with my book and my fresh bread that I made
my mom sent me a guilt trip text at 1 AM because apparently I haven't Atoned Enough for... being upset about her terminal illness on christmas, and crying, and being further upset that they left me alone to cry by myself, and snapping at my stepdad's mom for being homophobic at me while I was crying about being left alone to cry about my mom's terminal illness. and apparently I owe my stepdad's mom an apology for ""screaming at her"" (I did not scream) ""even if you think you were slighted"" (she was homophobic)
and it sucks because I thought we were past that, I actually was feeling a lot better and like I'd recovered from All The Emotional Drain That Was Christmas. and I waited MONTHS to start that book bc I was feeling shitty emotionally and I wanted to be able to enjoy it, and my plan for the weekend was to do that, and now it's all just. a big stupid pile of ugly feelings on the floor again
#I also did not sleep#because she sent me this text at 1 AM#and I was awake until 7 AM#and I'm hurt that she continues to not hear me#and to say things like 'even if you think you were slighted'#it's not that I was HURT oh no we can't allow for that. it's that I only THINK I was ~slighted~#(I can't be HURT I have to be SLIGHTED bc then she doesn't have to acknowledge culpability in hurting me by ignoring my emotional needs)#and she's terminally ill so it's not like I can be like 'hey all my life you've never let me have negative emotions'#'and you don't actually listen when I try to express negative emotions to you because you'd rather I Not Be Having Them At All'#'and this just feels like more of this and it's not fair'#because she'll just. be pointlessly guilty about it and she'll cry and it'll make her feel worse without changing anything#and she's already in enough physical pain as it is but there's no way to talk about these issues when she doesn't see what they really are#and I don't want to keep picking at this fUCKING scab of something I thought I had closure on but my mom can't let go of for some reason#and I just...... wanted to have my weekend with my fresh baked bread and my book#and I wanted to feel good and cozy and relaxed#and now it's broken again
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*opens up microwave and takes *him* out, burning myself in the process* IT'S DONE! Meet Bifrons (in his flesh vessel) and also the part of the reason DISC0RD couldn't find Jo and the kids :P
he's also Jo's..."boss"
(how do i draw men, this is is the first "detailed" drawing of a guy ive done help its 5 am and his lips loo weird i cant draw lips)
#DISC0RD P0STING#moots get it#hi moots#*high pitch voice* hi alice!#think im finally getting over my same face syndrome#sort of#eh#jesus fuck how many old people characters do i need#im 18 i don't need that many#well technically discord's like...7?#it didn't manifest into existence until about 7 years ago#and jackie is 20 something#the twins are in their early teens#I LIKE THESE OLD PEOPLE CHARACTERS I LIKE DRAWING WRINKLES ITS FUN#ok 40s not old i mean older characters#that would be an insult to my mom (hi mom plz get back on tumblr i miss u)#i doubt she will#fuck i might as well just stay up its already 5 am#*sips triple shot espresso while watching minecraft boiled one horror mods* i wonder why i'm still awake#*eats a bunch of sugar* its not like i have a bunch of energy#why am i still in the tags pOST THE DAMN POST
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JIMMYSEA BREATHED THE DAY IS LOOKING UP
#everyone at the GMMTV outings: is insane and parties until 4 am#jimmy: eats. drinks. exercises. gives us one (1) unhinged moment. sleeps.#sea: disappears for hours on end only to find him some time later clinging to an older man. in bed by 10 pm and awake by 7 am.#I LOVE THEIR INTROVERTED ASS SO MUCH#jimmysea#sea tawinan#jimmy jitaraphol#m: txt
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you know that one scene in spongebob where spongebob is leaving and patrick is like “what am i supposed to do while you’re out” and spongebob asks “idk what do you usually do when i’m gone” and patrick responds “wait for you to come back!!! ☹️“ ???
well i fear that is me with my tumblr mutuals 😭
#lmaooo#ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT OMG#cause i am a night owl and i stay awake until like six am 😭#and i am also on tumblr like 24/7 LMAOOO#😭😭😭#so i just sit and wait patiently for my moots to return like 😊😊😊
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oh no. oh no i wanna be warm and cozy and snuggled up in my bed all day oh noooo what do i do
#i dont wanna go to woooork#see this is why ive gotten back into my old habit of waking up absurdly early on days i have work early#so i have time to accept how i angry i am about getting up >:(#im subbing at the high school today. i could easily like. wake up at 6#but i set my alarm for 5:15 so by the time 7:20 comes around (school start time) im like well ive been awake for ages#tales from diana#it's not a genius idea but it is an idea#btw. when i went to this high school i was never awake at 5:15#i woke up at 6 and got dressed and went back to bed until 6:50#and then went to school#i was so sleep deprived in those day tho
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mkay not to be like. a little insane or anything. but god i've been going crazy over religion (catholicism) and blood lately. did anyone else drink blood as worship every week since they were seven. was anyone else inundated with images of open wounds as holy. is anyone else consumed by the thought of holding onto a crucifix tightly enough for the edges of it to draw blood. i turned in a poem about drowning in communion wine in an empty church while bleeding from crucifix-inflicted hand wounds and trying to talk to god and my creative writing professor gave me extremely normal critiques i feel like i'm losing my mind
#is ANYONE ELSE here.#also i made my poetry insta and i was gonna backpost but i think i might just sit and stare at it until april sfkghsd#it's me and my few hundred tumblr followers on my poetry acc. and the five thousand pornbots on this one ig#life is so. like.#i CONSTANTLY think that being raised catholic didn't do that much to me but obviously it did SOMETHING#you know what. yeah. cause i didn't end up with guilt over being queer but i did end up having my whole world view torn away from me#cause when god is the fundamental building block to everything...#my parents were extremely reasonable about things all things considered#but losing trust and faith in god is like having the bottom block pulled out of your little tower#and since i was fifteen i feel like i've been trying to either get it out fully without letting it all crumble#or trying to push it back without causing more damage#and the tower's never gonna be the same no matter what. you know.#i suck at self reflection so i never actually think about this stuff but dear god does it consume me#like no i did not end up with catholic guilt really. however being asked to examine yourself as a sinner at 7 will do things to you#HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh#screaming and crying. anyway anyone else up thinking about catholicism and blood???#valentine notes#catholic tag
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i haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over a month and it’s slowly driving me insane 😀
#i’ve always been a night owl w horrible insomnia but it’s been even worse than usual lately#why am i not tired until 5 or 6 in the morning! i’m exhausted but never sleepy!#i get sleepy and want to take a nap at fucking 7 pm and then i’m wide awake again#this cycle is fucking maddening#i have to sleep with a sleep mask on + noise box playing rain sounds + fan on + listening to asmr + have taken two melatonin AND YET#have you ever been so exhausted that you cry out of frustration but even that doesn’t help you sleep.#anyway i’m done complaining i just want to pass out for two days bc life has been so rough and this just makes it worse !!!!!!#tried to start the new year right but the universe had other plans 🙏#ok i’m deleting this later i’m just yelling into a void for some relief
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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Realizing suddenly that the new melatonin that's been doing fuck all for me the past month is in fact 1/4 of the dose of the previous ones I used. Which explains a lot
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Now that i feel like a human being again i can go back on working on that neychaela ship chart!
#i pulled up an all nighter because i was stuck in catholic scout duties and we had to attend a wake and wake up at 5:30 am#since we stayed until 2 am eating with the leaders community of the troops we said 'fuck it we ball' and stayed awake the whole night#i came home like 7 hours ago and slept until recently now i took a coffe and feel like i can function again
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#I need to get bloodwork done that I need to fast for#the fasting isn’t the issue I can do that no problem#the issue is I’m awake so fucking early and none of the collection places open until 7#I can’t sit around for a few hours not having coffee#oh how I wish I could sleep#even until like 6 am#I don’t need to go to the closest one and could make a lil road trip of it#sara rambles
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good morning today will be a good day! i’m planting that seed and i will see it harvest!
#d speaks#baby H waking up at 7 and voluntarily lazing around in his bed for at least half an hour is a good sign#and the sunrise was very pretty and the weather is beautiful and i am working until 1 and then tonight sitting for an old student of mine#and it’s a friday and it’s spring and my birthday is in two days!#it IS day two of my period which is always the worst day but i can handle it#i’m awake and content and not dead tired and today will be a good today!
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starting to realize part of the reason ive been feeling so mediocre lately is that i lost like a good 3 hours of my non-socializing people recharge time when my family's schedule changed, so now instead of 2+ hours of complete alone time in bed at night i have to wake up at 4 in the morning and sit in a semi-crowded starbucks for an hour or so, then ride an even MORE crowded bus for half of one.
#now its just like. 1) get picked up from school 2) go home and vegetate for 1-2 hours because im mentally exhausted from peopling all day#3) eat dinner 4) vegetate a little more (often because i spent the time before doing hw) and by that time its time to sleep to start it all#-over again the next morning.#honestly this alone makes me feel like i cannot WAIT to get to college because ill be able to take classes when i want and actually like.#sleep in. or at least get more than four hours of sleep a night#GOD i am not a morning person this is really terrible for me hgsjfbfjgn#MY BRAIN ISNT SUPPOSED TO TURN ON UNTIL AT LEAST 7 WHY AM I AWAKE#sigh . anyways#magpie thoughts
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This post possessed me and I had to make it a reality
(sources for audio effects and whatnot under readmore)
Credit to Zapsplat for:
Designed thunder crack 1
Designed fiery whoosh, flames, fireball into an impact 2
Witches cauldron bubbling, boiling
Magic spell glissando, shimmer and glimmer
Wololo recorded from this YT Video
WordArt logo generated at makewordart
*thunder crackling*
THOU ART LISTENING TO
*fireball explosion*
102.3
*bubbling cauldron*
REAL WIZARDS FM
*shimmering mana crystal*
WHERE WE PLAYETH NOTHING BUT CHANTS, CHANTS, AND MORE CHANTS
*wololo*
THIS ART NOT THINE ELDER MATRIARCH'S STATION
*Imagine Dragons - Radioactive starts playing*
#could i have done better VA if everyone else in the house wasn't asleep? yes#but that would require waiting until everyone is awake and I set a firm limit that I had to finish this before my Actual Job started#and it is 7:54 am so really just in the nick of time.#wizardposting#salem tag#I had so much fun with this!! I highly recommend anyone else w/ audacity and an hour to kill tries this for themselves
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good morning 💜 woke up still thinking about chiyo in veilguard and trust that i’ll continue to think about her verse all daaaaay
#maybe i’ll try to write something up for it when i’m home…#it’ll be a bit of a wip until i beat the game which will take a bit of time but i gotta write something before i explode uvu#anyway i hope everyone has a wonderful wednesday!!#i’m gonna need to drink a biiiig cup of coffee bc i couldn’t get myself to go to sleep until it was like?? 2 am#and i had to be awake at 6:30-7 :’ ) i gotta do something about my sleep schedule fr#get ready to ramble | ooc
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currently awake at 11 am bc i set an alarm and im HOPING this can be the start of fixing my sleep schedule so i dont go to sleep at 4/5 am anymore
#i think my problem is i didnt want to go to sleep earlier bc i felt like i hadnt been awake long enough#so hopefully waking up earlier will help with that. and im hoping itll also make me tired earlier as well#i dont think my sleep schedule can truly be fixed until i start college and have to be waking up even earlier than this#but we'll see!!!!#channeling my high school self that had to wake up at 7 am and went to bed at 10/11 or 12 am at the latest
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