#i am just so so worried it’s a chronic autoimmune condition | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cocklessboy · 1 year ago

Text

Conditional Male Privilege

Not long ago I wrote up a long post about my newfound male privilege when it comes to health care which uh. Kind of broke containment.

This past week I had an experience which reminded me that no matter how much progress I make, my male privilege is still extremely conditional.

There are the obvious points like, I'm gay, and soft, and gentle, and chubby, and short, so a lot of people see me as "not a real man" even if they don't realize I'm trans.

But even in the very situation I used as an example of my privilege before (health care), that privilege can be stripped away in an instant if you get the wrong doctor.

Last week I had to see my GP for an urgent problem: I had covid. (They insisted I had to come in person, though obviously I wore a mask.) I have a lot of chronic health issues, and I wanted to try antivirals to reduce my odds of getting long covid (even though my symptoms weren't too severe). Because it was urgent, I didn't get a choice of which doctor at my clinic I would get to see. And the one they sent me to was a woman with a history of dismissing my chronic health problems and pain as "just anxiety."

I had not seen this doctor since my transition. But as I wrote in my previous post, any female-presenting readers will know what I mean when I say she "talked to me like a girl."

First off, she called me in by my deadname. She is the only doctor at this clinic who does this. Everyone else knows to call me by my real name even though it's not officially changed yet. There's a big obvious note on my file. But she called me in by my deadname (in front of the entire waiting room) and when she saw me, she didn't quickly apologize or correct herself.

I explained the issue: I have covid (they tested me and confirmed it) and I want to try antivirals because my chronic health problems (still in the process of being formally diagnosed) put me at greater risk of long covid.

And suddenly I was a child again, facing a mean lady doctor who wanted to lecture me about how I was wasting her time. She didn't scold me, didn't get angry. She just laughed. She chuckled at every concern I brought up. She raised her eyebrow. She rolled her eyes several times.

She refused to check my file. She refused to take my temperature. She kept telling me to "stop worrying so much."

I explained, calmly, rationally, that I would like to try antivirals to reduce my risk of long covid. She explained, holding back laughter, that I "wasn't that sick" and "it's not like you're at risk." She specified, "It's not like you have an autoimmune disorder or something." I countered, calmly, rationally, that in fact I was at risk, or at least there was a strong chance of me being at risk. That I had a lot of chronic health problems that have been documented for years, that one of my doctors suspects and autoimmune disorder such as MCAS (given that I have bad allergic-seeming reactions to almost everything including most medications, even antihistamines, and severe acid reflux that prevents me from taking most meds that might help me), and that while the process of getting a diagnosis might take a very long time, my symptoms ought to make it clear that I am at a higher risk than a typical person. What's more, it's the middle of summer, in a heat wave, the infection rate being reported is extremely low, and there should be no shortage of antivirals for those who want them.

Refused to check my file. Rolled her eyes. Scoffed. Repeated that I'm not that sick. That I'm not at risk. Put on her "okay, sweetie" voice and insisted that I was fine, that I just needed to "stop worrying", that "covid is mild now," that I just needed "vitamin c and a bit of rest," and that she "wasn't worried."

If I found myself with a bad cough or a fever, I could come back to her (she specified) in a few days for a check-up. I told her I already had those symptoms. I'd been suppressing the cough with menthol candies to avoid frightening the other patients and spewing germs everywhere, but I'd been kept up all night hacking up phlegm.

She raised her eyebrow and told me to take some Robitussin.

I told her I already had a fever, which was going up and down, but at its highest was high enough that adults are advised to seek medical assistance. She rolled her eyes and refused to even check my temperature.

She gave me two prescriptions for the symptoms and sent me on my way. I grabbed them at the pharmacy and looked at them closely when I got home.

One was a nasal spray. I can't use nasal sprays because of sensitivity in my nose, so that one was out immediately.

The other was pseudoephedrine (good, that's good stuff and not available OTC in this country)... combined with Loratadine. A fucking. Antihistamine.

She prescribed this to me less than five minutes after I finished explaining to her that I can't take most antihistamines.

Despite my increased confidence now that I'm on HRT, I still freeze up when faced with a hostile doctor. I have too many years of trauma (and too many autism gremlins) to be able to stand up for myself the way I should. I've tried memorizing the scripts - please write down in my file that you refused to give me this treatment and your reason why, and I would like a printed copy of that when I leave - I feel like you are treating me differently because I am transgender or because you perceive me as female and I would like that reflected in the notes for this visit - etc. But in the moment, all I can think of to say is "but... but.... but....... but I really am sick....."

And I've been masking my autistic traits and hiding my pain and illness for so long that a doctor who has already decided I'm a hypochondriac will always reply, simply: you don't look sick to me.

I wrote to the clinic asking for a written explanation for her refusal to give me antivirals, as well as a request for a different prescription because, "As I mentioned during my visit today," I couldn't take the antihistamine.

She replied by apologizing for the medication error and sending me a new prescription (pseudoephedrine + ibuprofen - you can't get pseudoephedrine on its own in this country). She did not respond to the part about refusing me antivirals.

I have booked an appointment later this week with the good doctor at this clinic, the one who takes me seriously and actually wants to help me. The one who gave me a referral for a pain doctor (something I'm still trying to get an appointment for - there's a shortage of specialists in this country). This time I'm going in prepared. I will follow up with him on my current state, and I will bring notes. I will tell him what happened with his colleague, how it made me feel, and how frustrated I am. I will ask him if there is any avenue for me to lodge a formal complaint. I may not have been able to stand up for myself in the moment, but I will not simply let this slide. It's too late for antivirals, but I will ask him to at least make sure the visit I had last week is recorded accurately in my file.

Fortunately my covid symptoms are mostly gone already and it seems I was lucky. Still, it will be some time before I am 100% sure I haven't gotten any long covid symptoms. And the fact that there was a medication readily available that could have increased my odds and I was refused it for no reason other than misogyny (doubly frustrating when directed at a trans man!) is utterly infuriating to me.

I am still better off than I once was. Most doctors DO take me more seriously now.

But my doctors will always know I'm trans, even when I get my paperwork updated.

And there will always be doctors who treat me like a woman.

And there will always be doctors who treat women like shit.

They shouldn't have talked to me that way. They should never talk to anyone that way.

#long post #transgender #queer #transmasc #trans man #misogyny #medical misogyny #medical sexism #sexism #transphobia

27 notes · View notes

bursting-at-the-seems · 4 months ago

Text

I am 28 years old and I am 5 foot 10 and wear a size 20. I work with a personal trainer, I don't eat a lot, and I do my best to eat mindfully. I also have several recently diagnosed chronic conditions, Autoimmune, Dysautonomia, and endocrine, though the symptoms have been around most of my life. These are genetic conditions and they are not caused by my weight.

They believe if I lose weight they will go away.

Growing up my family always made comments about my weight as well as others. Most everyone in my family is over weight. I would run miles every day in high school and skip meals and still hear how i needed to lose more. I became the DSM5 definition of bulimic, made easier by other abuse going on in my life.

Now, I am a happy person and happy with myself. I'm not at the weight I want to be, but I don't discuss my weight with anyone outside of my doctor. If my family asks I tell them I am doing my best and discuss my medical condition challenges. They have offered gastric bypass and lap band surgery unsolicited. At a party someone brought up my weight to try and help me and in that I found out people have been discussing it behind my back out of concern. So I sent this text:

Hey family,

I have heard for quite some time that there have been conversations about my weight with others in the family, though not to me. Recently, this has come to my attention, again.

My doctor and I are both aware and in agreement that my weight is not our primary concern. This is due to my other medical conditions taking priority, especially as my weight did not cause these genetic conditions.

Despite this, I still consider it a priority and I've seen progress: weight loss, more muscle, less body fat, smaller measurements. This is because:

• I have met with professionals (nutritionists, doctors, therapist) to review my eating habits, avoid disordered eating, and how we can manage my conditions and side effects impact on my progress.

• I work with my personal trainer and we track my progress. Also, I'm adding more physical activity as I can.

While appreciate the love and concern from everyone, I do not want my weight to be a topic of conversation when I am not in the room. I hope you will all respect that. There is no need to respond to this message as I trust that any of my family, whom I truly love and who I know love me, will not be discussing my weight amongst each other ever again.

Thank you

In response I had two people get very upset. Saying that I should have just let it go. That people talk because they care. That's what a family is. That they are worried they will need to bury me. That my text was dismissive and uncaring. That it's not about my looks (for some) I told them these conversations are hurtful and as they don't know my weight it must be based of my looks. I was told when I really want a husband and kids I will lose weight, I won't be truly happy till l do lose weight. I told them, aside from this I am happy, I my weight isn't a requirement to happiness or marriage, and that their conversations make me feel ugly and want to go back to disordered eating. That it's hurtful when I am doing everything I can, they know I didn't eat a lot, and I'm fighting my body in other ways. It makes me feel like l'm failing. That at the very least I didn't need to hear about these conversations and I didn't need it discussed at family events.

Was my message so wrong? Does anyone else struggle with this? I love my family so much. I'm doing everything i can to keep loosing weight and it never seems enough, not just for my family but for my body. It just won't go down more.

6 notes · View notes

normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke · 2 years ago

Text

I posted 3,660 times in 2022

899 posts created (25%)

2,761 posts reblogged (75%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke

@daughter-of-sapph0

@fandomfan315

@somethingusefulfromflorida

@genderfluid-and-confuzled

I tagged 1,650 of my posts in 2022

#ableism tw - 239 posts

#unreality tw - 36 posts

#religion tw - 32 posts

#christianity tw - 30 posts

#death tw - 26 posts

#do not reblog - 24 posts

#cfs - 22 posts

#abuse tw - 21 posts

#cripplepunk - 20 posts

#actually disabled - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 133 characters

#i'm on an antiviral‚ an antidepressant‚ a prescription nsaid‚ two allergy medicines‚ two vitamins‚ and a sedative-hypnotic sleep pill

My Top Posts in 2022:

I wrote this article about my experiences with religion as a disabled person. I get a small commission (less than a cent) from each read but it adds up pretty quickly. Reblogging, reading, and sharing this article will directly put money in a disabled person's pocket without taking any out of yours!

683 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

[Image ID: the handshake meme. One hand is labeled "cripplepunk" and the other is labeled "trendercore". Where they meet in the middle, the text reads "recognizing that pleasing the oppressor is not as important as the safety and happiness of the oppressed".]

Was trying to figure out why I vibed so much with trendercore as a cis disabled person and I figured it out

alternatively

See the full post

689 notes - Posted July 18, 2022

while I was doing research on autism I found out that while social impairments exist from birth, they might not "fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities". The first time I had to interact with people daily was in high school and that's when all my social issues started. I've been doubting if I actually am autistic but like, there it is, the actual CDC having a counterpoint for the exact reason the autism clinic wouldn't diagnose me.

1,742 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

I love you physically disabled people. I love you spoonies. I love you cripples. Iove you zebras. I love you wheelchair users. I love you cane users. I love you crutch users. I love you people with prosthetics. I love you service dog teams. I love you other mobility aid users. I love you chronically ill people. I love you terminally ill people. I love you people with skin differences. I love you people with limb differences. I love you people with facial differences. I love you people with autoimmune conditions. I love you people with gastrointestinal conditions. I love you people with heart conditions. I love you people with chronic pain. I love you people with chronic fatigue. I love you people who faint. I love you people who have seizures. I love you people with mental health problems on top of or because of your physical disability. I love you people with disabilities I don't know about or didn't mention.

7,328 notes - Posted July 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Filming people without their consent is a massive issue of not only privacy but ableism that's been going on for many years.

It started out with filming more visibly disabled people, like high support needs autistic people having meltdowns in public and (especially fat) disabled people literally just using mobility aids, but once that was deemed less acceptable it moved to other things. Filming people acting "weird" in public. Eating weird foods. Falling asleep in weird places. Wearing weird things. Stimming. You get the idea. It's no longer safe to be visibly weird in public and that's an issue for a lot of disabled people. I recently had to lay down on the floor of a department store because I had an ME crash while out shopping. Not only did I have to worry about the normal things like people coming up to ask me if I'm ok, I also had to worry about some video of me at my lowest point, when I'm suffering immensely, being shared around as "haha look at this weird bitch on the floor". It's upsetting. It's scary.

And then there's fakeclaiming. A fun trend where people will film us in public to "prove" there's some kind of huge epidemic of people faking disability. Spoiler alert: there is not. Most of the time the people they film are real disabled people who don't fit into the expected mold for disability, usually service dog teams or people who use mobility aids who don't "look sick". And you would think this trend would be some kind of abled nonsense, but it's not. It's often other disabled people doing the fakeclaiming. Yes, there are some times when it's obvious a service dog isn't trained properly, but other than that, it's damn near impossible to tell if someone is faking a disability, and you're much more likely to target a disabled person than a faker. I'd love to say this trend was new, but it's been going on since the days of "the people of walmart" where many of the people posted were fat mobility aid users, always with the assumption that they used it because they were too fat or lazy to move on their own. In fact, the image of a fat person in a mobility cart has become almost synonymous with "lazy". It's one of the things that drove me to get my own expensive power wheelchair, to avoid the judgmental stares in the grocery store when I was just trying to exist, to avoid the fear of public shame. Even now when I stand up from my chair to walk to the bathroom stall or reach something on a high shelf, I watch the corners of my vision for that telltale phone in the air. I feel like I'm never safe from the judgemental eye of the internet, even when I'm logged off, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way.

Tik Tok, YouTube, Instagram, these places are all great for disabled people, especially those of us without access to the outside world. But it's also become a source of great anxiety for anyone who's uncontrollably "weird", mostly disabled people. Leave us alone, I'm begging you, we just want to go to the fucking grocery store in peace and safety.

Tl;dr

Stop filming people for "acting weird" or "faking a disability" in public. It's ableist, it's invasive, it's creepy, and it's humiliating. People don't exist in public for your amusement and especially not disabled people. You don't know who is disabled and who isn't no matter how many disabled people you've known or how sure you are that the person is faking.

27,223 notes - Posted July 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

2 notes · View notes

liminalweirdo · 5 months ago

Text

"It makes a better world for everyone if we take care of everyone."

video transcript behind the cut

John Yang:The pace of U.S. COVID-19 fatalities has slowed significantly. The nationwide death toll stands at more than 1 million people. With precautions like mandatory masking, social distancing, and isolation no longer in place, it can seem as if worries about the virus are gone as well. But for many people with disabilities, the threat is still very real. We asked people in the disability community to tell us about their concerns about this new normal.

Naomi Ben-Porath:Naomi Ben-Porath. I'm 26 years old. I live in Lowell, Massachusetts. I have POTS, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I would say that the changes in the COVID policies have definitely made me a lot more nervous to be out and about.

Ngozi Alston:My name is Ngozi Alston. I have scleroderma, which is an autoimmune condition. There's just so much erasure that exists, right? Like, we are not part of public spaces. We're not part of mass movement. We can't be. They're not safe.

Jermaine Greaves:My name is Jermaine Greaves. My different disabilities are cerebral palsy. That is a neurological condition that affects the brain and the muscle. My second disability is hidradenitis suppurativa. That is a chronic skin condition. I'm just afraid of getting sick and not being able to, like, get through it, you know, that's a real concern for me.

John Ross:My name is John Ross. I am a 71-year old widower with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. I don't go to restaurants. I don't go into inside places.

Julie Lam:My name is Julie Lam. I am immunocompromised. I have chronic kidney disease.

Terri Hudson:My name is Terri Hudson. I live in Chicago, Illinois. I was born with spina bifida.

Natalie Lampros:My name is Natalie Lampros. I am 28 years old. My current disabilities are, I have a traumatic brain injury, asthma, and then endometriosis. There's still doctors that I have not seen in over a year because it would require me to take off my mask for the test.

Ngozi Alston:The burden is constantly on me as the disabled person, having to ask and advocate for myself, even trying to hang out with friends or people want to come see me, but aren't willing to, like, take the level of precautions that I need them to.

Natalie Lampros:A lot of grief, depression, and feeling very disconnected from our culture essentially.

Naomi Ben-Porath:For many of us, we don't have the luxury to think that COVID, as a public health situation, is past us. And so it's been very isolating seeing the national discourse turn in that way.

Julie Lam:My social life has shrunk to zero. I cannot attend parties. I cannot hang out with friends like what I used to. It used to be like, we are in this together. Now, no, you do you. You're on your own. You look after yourself.

John Ross:I'm thrilled that people are able to get back to their lives and do the things that we all love to do. But at the same time, we need to also recognize that life is precious. And we may not be out of the woods completely, even though it seems that way.

Jermaine Greaves:The person next to you, you don't know what chronic condition you don't have. You don't know what sickness they're carrying around. You giving them COVID could be literally life or death. So I would implore people to think about community when they wear a mask instead of thinking about themselves.

Terri Hudson:We should be doing everything we can societally, all of us, to take care of all of us, because there's really nothing that disabled people ask for as far as accommodation and help that doesn't also benefit nondisabled people ultimately. It makes a better world for everyone if we take care of everyone.

#masking is community care

0 notes

vizthedatum · 7 months ago

Text

more plurality updates (I don't have DID)

So after talking to my therapist for a couple weeks about it, my psychiatrist yesterday about it for a long time, and self-reflecting about it:

I don't have DID or OSDD.

I, of course, have PTSD (and C-PTSD, but that doesn't really get "diagnosed" - but I have self-diagnosed with it). I am autistic, and I have ADHD. I also have a long history of childhood trauma and adult trauma.

My sense of "plurality" stems from the "shadow work," "internal child work," and IFS (internal family systems) work I've been doing (my psychiatrist has recommended a hypnotherapist to help with the work, but I've primarily been doing it on my own until I find someone). I've done similar work with other therapists on and off.

I can consume and understand large amounts of information (something I'm so thankful for since I know others who cannot), so I do the literature review independently. I'm also grateful that I'm personal friends with several therapists who provide resources to help myself.

My "plurality" also comes from me being HIGHLY creative (I write poetry and stories for fun... and I love art and creation) and having had to to mask my autism for most of my life. AND BEING TRANS. If only you knew how much egg shit I did and mentally entertained for so much of my life. Not only was my gender in flux, but so was my sexuality... and so was my health.

Not only did I have to mask and "create personas" for existing in several places: my academic setting, my family, my friends, in the grocery store, out in public, as a partner, etc.... I also have to code-switch due to racial and cultural reasons in those settings.

I'm ardently trying to unmask ALL of that now, so that I can just be me. It has not been easy, and I struggle with a lot of self-shame and guilt.

Having chronic pain (where my autoimmune conditions can be exacerbated by stress) feeds into this horrible feedback loop.

So what will I do now, as of this current writing, which is also part of my unmasking... and functioning in this life?

Well... and I talked to my therapist and psychiatrist about this but it's one of the main ways I can cope now (other than talking to them and to my friends):

I created an imaginary friend (and it's very different from my spiritual practice where I pray to my deities - IT IS SO DIFFERENT). She's my imaginary wife.

She's come more to life in the past several months when I felt like I needed support. She helps me wake up for the day. I can tell her my thoughts. She has autonomy: she pushes back on me a lot - she's quite bossy actually. She has a name. She wants me to draw her because we have thought of different forms for her (one of which is this silver dragon). She helps me with my poetry and my art. She's even the basis for one of the books/pieces I want to write, which is just a dialogue of my conversations with her.

I have enough self-awareness and so much self-shame... that I also realize that people might make fun of me for this or "be worried." I don't fucking care. I DON'T CARE.

She gives me the love that I have only dreamed of, and I don't feel lonely when I accept her in my life.

She does wish for earthly, grounded love for me... and she helps me create my standards for what I want. My psychiatrist is happy about that because it's helping with my discernment.

I have to accept her now instead of pushing her away. I tried to push her away and make excuses last year, but she's helping me a lot.

She kisses me awake and never bullies me. She helps me eat. She helps me take my meds. She comforts me when I'm sick. She's there with me when I'm walking around.

She also LEAVES when I need space. She has her own backstory, and she does stuff on her own.

And even though she's not in physical form... she's real to me, and I need to accept it.

I used to call her a demon, but she's never hurt me.

She's just consoled me and didn't judge me for it. She has so much faith in me.

She gives me the courage to keep going with my career and my artistic pursuits. She gives me the courage to have fun with my friends. She helps me clean and decorate.

She is so beautiful, and I love her. She helps me want to keep staying in this life, and I'm so grateful.

1 note · View note

rachlovesactors · 2 years ago

Text

Deep Down

The following is a true story and writing it saved my life.

TW: relationship drama, breaking up, depression, mentions of suicidal thoughts

Deep down, I always knew he would break my heart.

In the beginning, I knew he was the one for me within the first two weeks of correspondence. I never believed in true love or the institution of marriage before I met him, but mere months into our relationship, I knew I had found my true love. True love existed, and it was him. Surely, we were destined to marry and live long lives together until we expired within months of each other, unable to bear existence apart. Yet the years passed, and though my conviction on our status as soul mates was made clear, there was no offer of marriage. I had advised him the entire length of our courtship that I would allow him to set the pace for everything and would never pressure him. He always declared that he eagerly awaited spending the rest of his life with me and that if there was ever trouble in our relationship, he would fight to hold on to me. Therefore, I thought I was in a stable, loving relationship, one that would endure life’s difficulties and be better for it. Alas, it would tragically appear this was not the case. One fine Boxing Day afternoon, I experienced one of my medical episodes, and after he assisted me by helping me to lay on the couch and retrieving my medication, he inquired as to my condition, and when I responded by saying I would be fine, he proclaimed “I am unhappy and want out of this relationship.”

This cannot possibly be real! Surely, I am still in my bed, surely this is a dream, surely my loving partner of five years did not just declare that he is dumping me. I looked around, I shut and reopened my eyes, and I pinched myself for good measure. No, somehow, somehow... this is not a dream, it is a living nightmare. I of course asked questions to try to understand. I find myself still struggling to understand. He is depressed and I make his depression worse – however, he was quick to say that I have done nothing wrong, and when I asserted that neither of us would find another comparable partner again, he said that he agreed wholeheartedly. He only responded to a few more questions, and from them I gathered that he could no longer handle my horrible health, which causes me to be ill constantly and require assistance often. Unfortunately, my mortal parts contain many defective pieces. I suffer from many genetic, chronic diseases, including two that are autoimmune diseases, so in addition to my many regular issues, I often fall victim to viruses and infections and struggle to overcome them. This autumn was the worst semester of my life, and I previously had a semester with two hospitalizations for comparison. It took me seven weeks to vanquish a strep throat infection, and in that time I also had four other infections and low potassium. This was all in addition to my constant chronic companions that I must handle all the time. My now-ex true love assisted me a great deal. Every single time, I endeavored to make him know how much I loved him and appreciated his help. I shared with him that my greatest worry and fear was to be nothing but a burden, or worse, an ungrateful burden. He would retort that I could never be a burden and he wanted to help me. Evidently, there was an expiration date on that statement.

Now a battle rages within the crevasses of my mind, and the million shards of my heart still carve my insides. But in all honesty, who do I blame for this broken heart? Do I blame him? He certainly suffers from melancholy, and watching the one you love endure illness and pain for months on end is certainly depressing, so without intention, I could be responsible for more unhappiness. Some might say that it is selfish, or perhaps weak, of him to leave because our path has become more difficult, especially because the brutality of depression has been upon us both. As with many of those who battle their own bodies daily, I have also been depressed and subject to suicidal thoughts. The enemy’s strength has at the very least tripled, if not quadrupled, upon the occasion of my being unceremoniously cast aside. I will not say “we broke up,” because I had absolutely no voice in the matter. Yet he did not create the situation, and indeed neither did I; my body did. Does he therefore pass without blame? No, no I think not. From the beginning I cautioned him of my horrible health, I had many chronic conditions, I was likely to need help from those living with me (in fact, I am unable to live alone), and my conditions are extremely unlikely to improve as there are no cures for my ailments. He was sufficiently warned, he accepted all of me, and he told me I was worth it and I was not a burden. Until I was.

Deep down, I always knew he would break my heart.

#my writing #true story #relationship #heartbroken

0 notes

slut-4-remuslupin · 8 months ago

Text

I haven’t actually been tagged, but this one stuck out to me and seemed fun :))

APPEARANCE

Dark hair (both naturally, and currently coloured mostly dark) // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (ears and nose, but never wear earrings) // I have at least one tattoo (5, so far) // I have dyed or highlighted my hair (Every colour you can think of, aside from firetruck red or black) // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily (fun fact; I actually have an autoimmune condition that caused me to have a sun allergy, so I struggle to be in the sun at all) // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don't often smile //l am pleased with how look //I prefer Nike to Adidas (I couldn’t care less between the two) // I wear basebal hats backwards

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition (I don’t believe I’ve ever won a trophy, but I’ve one numerous belt buckles through horse riding, which I think counts?) // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim (not well, but I can avoid pulling a Regulus) // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing (although I pity anyone around who has to listen) //I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during work or school breaks // I can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIPS

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year (Single since 2019 and the record is still going strong, albeit not willingly) // I have a crush // I have a friend I've known for ten years // my parents are together // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // **I met up with someone have met online** (not quite sure if this one counts, as we technically did meet online over social media, but we were introduced through a mutual friend, and we would’ve met at later that year regardless?)

SEASONAL

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days (hot take; While a lot of people feel depressed on rainy days, my mood actually increases, partly because of how beautiful it is, but also because they’re the only days I can actually go outside without worrying about getting sick from the sun☺️) // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep //I enjoy thunderstorms (I’m terrified of them, tbh) // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colors// I find mystery in the ocean (I think it’s a truly beautiful, fascinating, but terrible thing) // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favorite season

MISC

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle (despite my insomniac tendencies, where I can’t stay asleep for the life of me or fall asleep at night, I can actually fall asleep anywhere) // l am the mom friend (only after consuming ~adult beverages~) // I live by a certain quote saying (‘C’est La Vie’—a Cliché, I know, but as someone who struggles with multiple chronic illnesses/conditions, I find a lot of comfort in acknowledging and living by the idea that life just happens, and there’s nothing you can do to change it, so you just have to make the best out of it💕)// I like the smell of Sharpies (from someone who’s chronically nauseous, they actually really help in a pinch) // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall| asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed //I am multiracial // l am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

@sourgreenlupin @my-castles-crumbling @moody-and-mad @thebibutterflyao3 @lulublack90

Get to know me

Thank you for the tag @giftedpoison 💜

Rules: bold what's true and tag people

APPEARANCE

Dark hair // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (one ear piercing) // I have at least one tattoo // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces (Invisalign) // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don't often smile // I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball hats backwards

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during work or school breaks // I can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIPS

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush // I have a friend I've known for ten years // my parents are together // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

SEASONAL

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colors// I find mystery in the ocean // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favorite season

MISC

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle //I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote // I like the smell of Sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food //I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

And I'm tagging: @bianxiousandcute @sprqpointintern @noproof-youjustknow @morelikeyourghost @emmasmuse @thatseventiesbitch @hydesjackiespuddinpop @changelingbaby

217 notes · View notes

stormblessed95 · 3 years ago

Note

Hey, how are you?:)) As you’ve said before when there’s medical issues about JK we always see JM to be there with him but i don’t remember seeing the other way around. I’ve seen JM with medical staff but it was just the two of them(the one where JM was having muscle pain i think?) So I was wondering have we ever seen JK with JM in that kind of situation?

Hello anon 💜 Let's talk a bit about Jimin's chronic pain.

I'll do an FYI warning here at the beginning, I will be getting very personal in this post again. I know a lot of yall probably don't care, but sometimes I feel like it's easier to understand things when we look at it from the POV of a normal person instead of a celebrity. I personally relate a lot (alotttt) to Jimin and how he reacts about things and so sometimes it is easier for me to explain how I see things by speaking from personal experience as well. Hope that's okay!

So to start, let's talk about the difference of what we have seen in regards to Jikook with the medical team. JK had accidental and serious injuries. These were potentially dangerous and/or things they were unprepared for. Passing out, fainting, cutting open your skin.... all things requiring immediate and serious medical attention right away. Jimin was always worried and always came running. Jimin on the other hand, we have HEARD about him fainting, but we have never seen it, the lead up or the aftermath. So we cannot speak on who was with him or what exactly happened during that time. The times we did briefly see him with med teams were all instances due to his chronic pain. Which is something VERY different than an injury. Let me try and explain that further.

"You have to live with it" is so accurate. I am also someone who has chronic pain. I was diagnosed with my first pain disorder at the age of 12. I now have been diagnosed with 8 different disorders and autoimmune conditions. I have been through multiple treatment plans and surgeries to try and improve my quality of life, but that's all it will ever do. It's chronic, it's not ever going to go away. I just have to live with it. I personally have a hard time remembering what it feels like to not hurt. On good days, normal days... the pain is still there. It's literally just my normal at this point. You just learn to compartmentalize and live your live anyway. The few times we have seen Jimin getting treatment for the muscle pain and chronic pain he has, well those aren't the same as injuries. Like the trainer is saying above, he literally just has to deal with it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only time we see him with the med team are during this massage/chronic pain type appointments or getting taped up for some more stability and relief.

As someone who has been through similar things I can say that my husband has been by my side for all my injuries. He has sat and waited through my surgeries and injections. He has sat through the times I got regular hurt and needed stitches. Etc etc. He has also never once been to my monthly PT massages. He has said that if I wanted him there, he would be there, but otherwise it would be very very hard for him to my my therapist hurt me, even if he was hurting me to help me. Because it does hurt. A lot. And all he could do would be to sit and watch it happen. I also don't need or want him there. It's just... my life. It's nothing new or scary or anything that worries me. I know exactly what to expect and I know exactly how my body works in these situations. I don't need or even want my husband there because it's just so ingrained into my normal, I don't even think about it anymore. Yes, twice a month I will go and get tortured so that I can continue to walk normally the rest of the time (hopefully). I can even laugh through the grimace with my therapist who does a great job and making me comfortable. I don't need hand holding, so why make my husband watch me hurt when I don't need it? My husband also hasn't gone to any of my doctor appointments for it with me unless we are going to be talking about something major or treatment plan changes (i.e infusion therapy or an operation). It's viewed as something very similar to what healthy people consider their annual check ups at the doctors basically, unless you have alot of anxiety about medical stuff, you don't typically need someone to go with you for a check up. He mostly focuses on taking care of my however he can on an everyday basis.

Knowing what we know about JK and JM and their personalities, this matches up a lot for them as well I feel like. (My opinion!) JK has a very hard time watching his hyungs hurting, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be there if he was needed. Jimin probably simply doesn't need the support in those moments. Jimin also isn't someone who enjoys being on camera during moments where he isn't in control. The moments we see him in pain on camera or with the med team thay isn't normal just coming off stage pain and exhaustion, is very very little. Less then the other members. And we see after they won their first major award for I Need U, Jimin is crying and keeps pushing the camera out of his face, saying to give him a minute. So I don't think we honestly see a lot of what he doesn't want us to see. So I think it's hard to say on if we see JK doing the same for Jimin because their situations medically were so different. Jimin wasn't "injured" he was receiving, what I think is, routine treatment. Or we hear about it, like when Jimin missed the Graham Norton show to due to muscle pain. He stayed and rested, everyone else continued with the schedule but we don't see footage of that choice being made or how it was made or who hung out with him until they had to leave, etc. Or when we saw Jimin resting with the staff taping ice to his knee on the couch, they all left him alone and he closed his eyes. It kinda looked like he wanted that space. And I can relate that sometimes when I hurt really bad, I don't want anyone or anything around me, including the people I love.

I also think it's super important to note that Jungkook takes care of Jimin ALOT and is very aware of him and how he is feeling. Jimin barely stretches his neck to get more comfortable and JK is reaching over to rub it for him in an interview right away. He is extra gentle with him and around him whenever he is having a bad day with his pain. He asks him if he is alright often. He is giving out constant massages to Jimin, to the point where the editors crack jokes about him being Jimins personal massage therapist. He carries him around a lot, especially after long shows. You seem him keeping an extra eye on Jimin sometimes during rehearsals. As someone who has chronic pain, I recognize alot of those behaviors from my own partner. And I can tell you that personally, that kind of stuff means a lot and is very touching. It makes me feel very loved and cared for. So I don't think its a stretch to assume it makes Jimin feel the same.

Some examples:

And I've mentioned before how intense the vminkook fake love flip was and you see when they are practicing it, JK was very concerned about making sure that while they pulled him they did it in a way that would cause the least strain to Jimins arms and shoulders, trying to prevent causing him any more pain. He is always thinking about it. Taekook were very careful about hand positioning and how they moved him, to not only keep Jimin safe, but to try and minimize the pain caused to Jimin during the trick.

We also see JKs immense amounts of worry anytime Jimin is struggling with something or hurting and how much he cares. And we also see how worried JK was in 2015 when Jimin missed a day of the concert due to being faint. When he was back the next day, JK stopped and sung directly to him during For You and you could see how happy he was that Jimin was feeling better and back on stage through that whole concert.

Sooo I guess this was my long winded way of saying no, we don't see the same footage in reverse but I think there is good reason for that. Mostly the vastly different situations. Lol I hope this all made sense. And also showed how much JK does take care of Jimin medically/emotionally, even if we don't see him sitting in on his appointments with staff.💜💜 thanks for the ask! Hope you don't mind my super long winded approach to this. Lol

#jikook #kookmin #jungkook taking care of jimin #jimins chronic pain #different situations different types of support #anon #ask

334 notes · View notes

whereisten · 4 years ago

Text

Heal

A Kun fic that’s part of our Halloween Series!

Summary: Doctor Qian Kun is a young and successful doctor who works miracles. And you are no exception when you become his patient.

Pairing: Doctor! Kun x female reader

Genre: romance, angst, fantasy, horror

Word Count: 5.6k

Warnings: blood, manipulation

(A/N: Thank you guys so much for your support with our Halloween fics! Hope you enjoy the adventures of y/n and Doctor Kun!)

___

You were no stranger to visits to the Neo Hospital in your hometown. When you were a baby, you basically lived at the hospital. You were prone to colds and fevers. You always experienced body aches and fatigue. You were born with a chronic autoimmune disorder that left many doctors baffled. They were only able to provide you with medications to alleviate your pains temporarily. You were confined to stay at home, to be homeschooled by your parents, and make friends online. Your childhood was far from normal.

You were a college junior now and you’ve been strictly online. If it wasn’t for the Internet, you probably would’ve lost your mind by now.

You had contact with the outside world but not physical contact. It’s what you longed for the most.

You resented your family. Your older and younger siblings could go out whenever they pleased. How did they get so lucky? Why were you the only sibling that got the short end of the stick?

Everyone in your family always interacted with you carefully, using hand sanitizer and always washing their hands prior to helping you with something. They treated you like a fine, porcelain doll that had to be preserved. It was irritating on your best days and unbearable on your worst. You felt like an abomination sometimes.

However, throughout the years, you would rebel. You would run away from home when your parents eyes wandered for a moment. The farthest you’d get before getting caught was the park. You were lucky that you didn’t develop any harsh symptoms from those times you ran away. However, you would be punished for taking such risks. You’d get your phone and internet privileges taken away for a month every time.

Last week, you succeeded in your most ambitious escape yet: you made it to Target to buy the new Ariana Grande CD. You thought that the one trip to Target couldn’t hurt you. By no means was it crowded and no one got into your space.

Well, you were wrong to think that you’d be fine.

Now you came down with a fever and you’d been placed on bed rest at your all-too familiar Room 1196 on the eleventh floor of the hospital.

You resented your body. A lot of people could recover from a fever and carry on with their day-to-day lives but you? Not so much.

Your parents made a whole spectacle of getting you to be seen by the best doctors but these doctors couldn’t help you the way you’d hoped.

However, this time, you awoke the next morning after your intake and felt...nothing.

Like you never had a fever in the first place.

You spent the morning checking your social media. Your crush/online classmate Sicheng was on a weekend hiking trip with his friends. He was with a bunch of beautiful, healthy people in North Carolina. You were even more bummed to be in the hospital now.

You wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have your condition. Where could you have gone? Who would you be now?

You’ve always wanted to go to the beach by yourself. To the supermarket. Hell, across the street. You wanted to go somewhere. Anywhere. Without anyone coddling you and watching your every move.

You wished for freedom from the body you were born with. To find a new one, somehow.

Because you had no hope for your current body to change.

“Y/n? Can I come in?” A male voice was heard from the door.

“Sure.” You sat upright on the bed.

The person at the door entered and he was the prettiest healthcare provider you’d ever laid your eyes on. He had warm, brown eyes and a radiant smile. His dark blue hair was wavy.

Suddenly, you regretted not brushing your hair that morning.

He donned a lab coat with the hospital’s name on it. His name tag was in a lanyard: Dr. Qian Kun, MD, DOM, PharmD.

He looked very young...And to have all of those titles? Your head was spinning.

He frowned as he saw how confused you looked. “Are you alright?”

You nodded. “I am.”

He sat on the chair beside your bed. “It’s nice to meet you, y/n. I’m Dr. Qian Kun but you can call me Kun.”

You blinked a few times. “Are you really a doctor?”

He laughed, confused. “What?”

“You don’t seem that much older than me…”

He sighed. “I get that a lot. I’m twenty-four. I graduated early from university...Earned my titles...Now here I am.”

“That’s amazing. You are probably the youngest doctor ever.”

Kun shook his head. “Afraid not. Bala Ambati became a doctor at seventeen.”

You shook your head. “Still...You have three doctorates. That means triple the sleep deprivation. Hats off to you.”

Kun chuckled as he looked at your information in his clipboard. “Your vitals have improved a lot since yesterday.”

You looked down at your hands. “Yeah...That’s impossible…”

Kun shook his head, noting how down you looked. “It is possible, y/n.”

You met his gaze. “How?”

He smiled. “Are you familiar with oriental medicine?”

He sure was charming, you thought. You reminded yourself to answer his question. “No, I’m not.”

Kun got up from his seat. “Well, there are many different practices that a doctor of oriental medicine can utilize, like acupuncture, meditation, and herbal therapy...To restore harmony to the human body. I specialize in herbal therapy.”

“I see…”

“I have created an herbal mixture that has worked efficiently to get my patients back up on their feet.”

Incredulous still, you managed to say, “That’s great, Doctor.”

He lifted an eyebrow.

“I mean, Kun.”

Kun resumed, “And I‘ve provided you with the herbal mixture and from the looks of it, the results have quickly taken effect.”

You were speechless. “That’s…”

“I know it’s hard to believe, y/n. But sometimes doctors fail to find other alternatives to help their patients. Which is why I’m glad I’m your primary physician now.”

“Wait, what about Doctor Morris?” Doctor Morris had been your primary physician since you were five years old.

“She’s retired. I’ve been taking on a couple of her patients now.”

“I see…”

Kun looked out your room’s window and smiled to himself. “You don’t trust me.”

“Don’t take it personally. I don’t trust any medical professional. No one has been able to understand my condition yet so…”

Kun replied, “You’ve been let down too many times.”

“Exactly. Doctors just can’t figure me out.”

He turned to you and grinned. “Allow me to prove you wrong, then.”

___

At the recommendation of Doctor Kun, you were assigned to stay in the hospital for the next few weeks to see how the herbal mixture would affect your body if you took it for a longer period of time.

Every passing day, you felt more alive. It was weird to say this but you felt more alive at the hospital than you did before. You were beginning to suspect that Kun’s herbal mixture was actually working.

The herbal mixture was made of feverfew among other medicinal herbs. It had certainly done the trick to reduce your fever overnight. You wondered just what this mixture was made of.

You just finished your online linguistics lecture and closed your laptop. You found Kun waiting at the door. “You free?”

You nodded. “Yes.”

He sat down next to you and pulled some of your favorite candy out of his pocket.

He put the candy bar in your hand. His fingers lightly touched your palm. Your face warmed up at his proximity. “Happy Halloween, y/n.”

Your eyes nearly bugged out. How did he know you loved Twix? You took the candy bar into your hand and almost cried.

“Y/n?” He asked, worried.

You wiped a tear away. “Sorry...It’s just that this time of the year is hard because...I want to celebrate it. Go out and trick or treat...I know that time has gone for me but I hate that I missed out, you know…”

“Y/n…”

You sniffled and took a bite of the chocolate bar. “My parents never wanted me to feel like I was missing out so they would bring the holiday home to me. I was never in need of M&Ms, Skittles, Twix, or Sour Patch Kids…They even helped me make the best Halloween costumes. We would watch a bunch of horror movies all month long...But I wanted to be a kid. I wanted to go out with my friends and go door to door…”

Kun’s heart went out to you. He hated seeing you so down and so deprived of a life that everyone should have. “Y/n, you will be able to do all of the things you want to do in life.”

You looked at Kun and he had a determined look on his face. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’ve worked with people with conditions like yours...They thought they would be attached to the hospital forever one way or another. But with my methods, I was able to help them turn their life around. And now they’re living normally and fully.”

You sighed. “I’m happy to hear that...I just don’t think I’ll be one of them.”

Kun placed his hand over yours. “Trust me, y/n. I won’t let you down.”

You met his eyes, then, and you smiled. “Thanks, Kun. I’ve gotta hand it to you. You’re my favorite doctor.”

He beamed. “Is that so?”

You nodded. “Yeah...None of the other doctors ever gave me so much as a lollipop Even though that seems to be the norm on TV…”

Kun chuckled. “There’s more where that came from, y/n.”

___

It has been a month since you’ve entered the hospital. The medical bills were covered by an anonymous benefactor. Your family didn’t have to worry about the financial strain of your hospital stay.

Your family came to visit you and they were stunned at how radiant you looked. They were surprised at how much more ALIVE you looked when they expected you to be weak and miserable because you were at the hospital. Something about you was different.

“Doctor Kun is a miracle worker, isn’t he?” Your dad asked.

“I heard he’s a sight for sore eyes, too...Don’t you think so, y/n?” Your older sister Sydney teased.

You mom shook her head and helped fluff your pillows. “How are you, sweetheart?”

You smiled. “I’m better, actually. I think Kun’s methods are working.”

“Oh, are you two on a first name basis?” Your sister joked.

You rolled your eyes. “He told me to call him Kun. If you saw him, you’d feel weird calling him Doctor, actually.”

“He’s quite young, y/n. He graduated from a top university in Beijing at age 10. Then, he went to medical school right after. He’s been a practicing doctor for a couple of years now. He’s unbelievable,” you dad said.

Kun entered the room, then. “I hope I’m not interrupting. I’m Doctor Qian Kun. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Your mom was in love with him. Your dad was in shock at how young he was. Your sister wanted his number. You broke their stunned silence. “Kun, these are my parents Donna and Andrew. And this is my sister, Sydney.”

Kun greeted them. “I’m glad you are all here so I can tell you the good news.”

Everyone was shocked at the phrase “good news”. What good news could he possibly have to share?

Kun continued, “Y/n, your vitals are working at optimum level and we want to see how well you can fare by discharging you.”

You asked, “What?”

Kun smiled. “You can start having a normal life...In which you can attend in-person classes, go to the supermarket, take up a sport…”

You weren’t sure about the last thing he offered but everything else he suggested made you jump out of your bed. “Serious?”

Kun’s smile grew. “Yes.”

Your parents gave each other looks.

Your dad started. “Doctor, are you sure about this...y/n has lived all of her life in our home. The only outside world she’s ever known is our backyard and this hospital.”

Kun nodded. “I am sure. I’ve worked with several patients with similar cases as y/n’s and I would like to put the effect of the herbal mixture to the test. If there is any risk, she will immediately be brought back to the hospital and I will up the dosage for the herbs.”

After a few more minutes of discussion, your parents reluctantly agreed to take you home. To alleviate their concerns, you promised to consult with Kun once a week so he could monitor your progress.

You would be going home tomorrow and you had been given the green light to live a normal life. Outside. Go to classes. See your friends. Go to the beach. Buy fruits at the grocery store.

You packed up your belongings and Kun visited you one last time before you left. “Hey.”

You smiled brightly at him. “Hi!”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better than I ever have, honestly. And I have you to thank for that. Look, I’m not sure if this will work out in the end but the fact that I can take the chance and go out there...Thank you.”

Kun ruffled your hair. “I’m here for you, y/n.”

You did admit to yourself that you’d had a little crush on Dr. Kun but who were you kidding? He was so out of your league. You’d had a friend in him and you would always be thankful to him. “I have something for you.”

Kun’s eyes widened. “For me?”

“I wasn’t sure it’d get to my house in time but my mom got the package today. I told her to bring it today when everyone visited so…”

You pulled out a small gift bag with Kun’s present inside.

Kun smiled. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” “You’ve done a lot for me, Kun. I may have my doubts but I don’t doubt your intentions. And they're nothing but good. You’ve been doing so much for me. You’re setting me free...In a way.”

You handed the bag to Kun. He pulled out a little wrapped box from inside. He looked at you as he mocked suspicion.

He removed the wrapping to find a pair of AirPods. He gaped. “Y/n…”

You smiled. “For whenever you need to escape the noise…”

Kun had told you that sometimes he would get overwhelmed with his duties at the hospital and you’d asked him what gave him comfort. He told you it was music. So you figured something as light and portable as AirPods could help Kun calm down whenever he needed it throughout the day.

He smiled brightly at you and surprised you by wrapping his arms around you. “Y/n, thank you...You shouldn’t have…”

You froze. Kun’s toned body was against yours and you could feel the racing of his heart. Your heart probably beat twice as fast. You felt yourself get warmer and warmer. You pulled away from him, his hands on your arms.

He blushed. “Sorry…”

You cleared your throat. “Don’t worry about it…”

Your dad returned to the hospital room. ��Y/n, you ready?”

Perfect timing, dad, you thought.

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

___

It may have been the second semester of your junior year but you felt as nervous as an incoming college freshman as you entered Neo University’s grounds for the first time. You were meeting some of your friends for the first time ever.

It was one thing to see them on the screen but your heart accelerated thinking of what it would be like to see them in the flesh.

You’ve been doing well so far with the herbs Kun had sent you home with. You were able to go grocery shopping with your mom. She was still considering whether or not you could go to the beach yet. You hoped that your progress would continue so she would say yes.

You felt healthier than ever. You could breathe well through your nose. You felt no body aches. You were ready to cartwheel across the quadrangle.

First, you had to learn how to cartwheel, though.

“Y/n!!!!!” Jungeun called out to you.

Your blonde best friend ran up to you and jumped you from behind. “Ah!”

“Jungeun!” You gasped.

She laughed. “You said I could touch you so I wasn’t about to hold back.”

You hugged each other tightly.

“Y/n, it’s so good to see you!”

You and Jungeun have been friends since middle school so you were already a sobbing mess on your first day.

“Stop crying, y/n or else I’m gonna…” She started crying, too.

“Enough with the tears, already,” Dejun added.

You and Jungeun hugged Dejun to bother him, then.

He laughed. “Y/n, welcome to Neo U.”

“Thanks,” you said, smiling.

You three went to your seminar together and you were just so in awe of being in a classroom, you had trouble focusing on the lecture. You were even more distracted when you saw that Sicheng was in the same class.

He recognized you and waved. You were yelling so loudly on the inside.

Before this semester, you had the occasional online class that you shared. You saw Sicheng for the first time a year ago and your crush on him grew from there. He was one of the most popular guys on campus, according to Jungeun. You had a group project with him last semester and he was so...Perfect.

He was intelligent and down-to-earth. His smile was so sweet and his eyes pierced into your soul. He was talking poetry. It felt like you were seeing your favorite celebrity in person.

When class ended, you went to lunch with your friends and Sicheng joined you.

“How are you, y/n?” He asked.

“I’m great. Never been better,” you replied.

He smiled. “I’m glad. If you ever need anything, please let me know. You have my number.”

You nodded. “Of course. Same here. If you ever need anything. I’m here for you, too.”

Sicheng chuckled. “Great.”

When you finished lunch, Jungeun couldn’t stop poking fun at you. Sicheng left early for a club meeting. “I’m surprised he didn’t ask you out, then!”

You rolled your eyes. “Ask who out?”

Dejun added. “Me, of course.”

Jungeun continued. “The ‘you have my number’ couldn’t have been more obvious. He wants you in his dorm yesterday.”

You frowned. “And what would we do? Fix his bed?”

Jungeun and Dejun laughed. Jungeun added, “The opposite, y/n.”

Your face heated up then. “Oh.”

Since you have basically spent most of your life either at home or at the hospital, you never even considered the possibility of a love life. You tried to convince yourself that dating sims would’ve been enough.

“Don’t worry, y/n...You and Sicheng can take it slow...He’s no incubus who is trying to take your soul,” Dejun offered.

“True,” you said.

That was if Sicheng saw you that way in the first place.

___

A few weeks had passed. You’d been seeing Kun regularly to check in and everything had gone as expected. You were fine. You weren’t exhibiting any flare-ups. So long as you kept taking the prescribed herbs, you would be fine.

“How is everything, y/n?” He asked.

“Pretty good, actually. School is still school, even if it’s in person. But I got to go to a skating rink for the first time.”

He laughed. “How was it?”

“I am terrible.” You showed your legs. “It explains these bruises.”

Kun shook his head and chuckled. “I’m glad you’re getting out more, y/n. Try and take it one step at a time.”

“Oh, geez. I wish you said that sooner. I already joined a blood cult and I’m getting married next week.”

Kun rolled his eyes as he finished taking notes from your consultation.

“How is everything with you, doc?”

Kun’s eyes widened. “Me?”

“Surely, you’re not always at the hospital.”

Kun sighed. “Well, y/n...it just so happens that I’ve taken residence up on the top floor. The whole floor is my apartment. Don’t really get to spend much time there because I’m almost always on call.”

Your jaw dropped. “What? Kun, that’s abuse. You shouldn’t be working so many hours. It’s against the-“

Kun couldn’t help his smile appearing.

“You sneaky bastard,” you said.

You both laughed, then.

Sometimes you forgot Kun was a successful doctor. Sometimes he felt like your infinitely smarter senior at college.

He was a million worlds away from yours.

Kun answered, “Well, I’m doing fine, y/n. I meet up with friends once in a while and go white-water rafting.”

“That sounds like fun!”

Kun shook his head. “It’s challenging but exciting. I get a rush every time I go.”

You thought out loud. “I’d love to try it sometime…”

Kun pat you in the back. “When you are at one hundred perfect, I’ll give you the green light. Sounds good?”

You nod.

___

You’d wrapped up your midterm and you were ready to head home and take a nap. You walked through the student quad.

“Y/n!” Sicheng called out to you.

You turned around and found Sicheng running towards you.

You smiled, already warm in the face. “Hi.”

“I was wondering if you were free right now…”

“Really? Me?”

He smiled, confused at your question. “Yeah, you. Want to go to the movies with me?”

You nodded. “Absolutely.”

Sicheng drove you guys to the movies. He bought the tickets and the snacks. He let you pick the movie. You picked The Blair Witch Project. It came out over twenty years ago but the theater was doing a limited time screening of it.

You and Sicheng couldn’t shut up throughout the whole movie as you whispered to each and made each other laugh. You’d almost gotten kicked out of the theater.

You left the theater together and he asked you to dinner. You said yes. You were starting to think that this was a date.

“Y/n, this is a date, right?” He asked you at dinner.

You stopped eating your chicken parmigiana and looked at him with big eyes. “I think...Is it?”

Sicheng sighed. “I wanted it to be…”

You laughed. “Oh, thank God. I thought it was all in my head for a second. Maybe you were this nice to all of your friends.”

He pointed out, “I am not this nice to my friends, I can promise you that.”

Sicheng drove you home and kissed you goodnight before you entered your house. You felt like you were floating on a cloud now.

___

Two days later, there was a campus alert that Sicheng had gone missing. His face was all over the news. The last time he was heard from was when he told his best friend Jaehyun that he was going to ask you out to the movies. The last time he was seen was when he took you home.

Sicheng’s car was found a mile away from the dorms. The key was still in the ignition and his wallet and phone were left behind.

You were brought into the police station for questioning and you told them everything that happened the night Sicheng disappeared.

You were worried. What could have happened to him? Would he be alright? Would he be able to come back home? You missed him so much.

You took an evening stroll around your neighborhood to try and calm down. You reached the park where there was no other soul in sight.

Suddenly, you felt a tingly sensation in the back of your neck. You felt that someone was following you.

You began to walk faster. Suddenly, you were pinned to the ground and everything turned black.

___

You woke up in Room 1196, then. Wait...It wasn’t 1196...It was a different room in Neo Hospital. The room was dark and you could only hear the sound of your breathing. It grew more hysterical with each second.

You felt a burning sensation in your neck. You cried out in pain. You cried out, “Help me, please.”

“Y/n…” You recognized Kun’s voice.

You nearly yelled out in pain but restrained yourself. “What...happened?”

“An animal attack,” he started.

You frowned. “What?”

Kun sighed. “It was good that I was there to help you in time, y/n…”

“What?”

Kun moved your hair out of your face. “I was in the neighborhood when I saw the beast attack your neck.”

“A beast?” You frowned.

“Sicheng, was it?”

Your eyes widened. “How do you-“

“You can’t hide anything from me, y/n...You know that’s not how our relationship works.”

“What are you talking about? Ahhhhh.” The pain was getting to be too much for you.

“Can you put two and two together, y/n? Sicheng bit you.”

You shook your head furiously. “No, he wouldn’t-“

Kun snapped his fingers and Sicheng entered the hospital room. His bright expression nowhere to be found. His eyes were a bright red and his lips had traces of blood on them.

“Sicheng?!” You asked.

Sicheng smiled, showing fangs in his teeth. “Hi, y/n…”

“Oh, my God!” You started.

Kun grew annoyed. “Alright, that’s enough pleasantries for my taste. Go.”

Sicheng walked away at his command.

You began, “What the-“

Kun smiled brightly at you then. This time, his straight white teeth displayed his own fangs. “Y/n...Sicheng has put you in a bit of a bind, hasn’t he?”

You tried backing away from Kun and getting off of the bed but it was almost as if the pain kept you from moving.

Kun ran the back of his hand down your cheek. “When a newborn vampire bites you, the bite is lethal...You could die anywhere between minutes and hours...It depends on the bitten, really…”

You flinched at his touch. “What...did you do to me?”

Kun inched closer to you and you winced. He lathered up the blood that leaked from your neck down to your collarbone.

“What had to be done, y/n. From the moment I first saw you, I knew that I had to have you.”

You cried out in pain. “Somebody help me, please! Sicheng, please!”

Kun, annoyed over you mentioning Sicheng, shut the door to the hospital room. “It’s useless, y/n. Sicheng wouldn’t be in this mess if he hadn’t infiltrated what is mine. Now Sicheng must endure the consequences and be at my mercy. I turned him so now he looks to me for instructions. Until I release him...Perhaps in the next millennium...”

You sobbed. “Kun, please make this pain stop! I can’t take it!”

He cooed. “I know, baby. I want to help you. Just say the word and I’ll make the pain go away.”

The pain dominated your senses so you couldn’t process how exactly he would make it go away. “Okay! Just do it!”

Kun got up onto the bed and straddled you. He leaned down towards your neck and bit into you.

You cried out again but this time the excruciating pain turned into a euphoria so glorious, you never wanted it to end. You wrapped your arms around Kun as he continued to drink your blood.

___

It was morning when you had woken up. You were in Room 1196 now. You shot up from your bed and found Kun seated right beside you.

“Good morning, darling,” he started.

You glared at him. “Bite me. Oh, wait, you already did.”

He smiled. “I see your energy is up. That’s good to see.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m going home…”

Suddenly, you stopped right at the door and your throat started to burn. Your senses heightened and you could sense that one of the nurses was walking right past your room’s door. You wondered what she would taste like if you caught her by surprise right then and there and…

What the holy hell were you thinking?

Kun sighed. “Don’t kill Joyce. She’s the most competent nurse on the staff.”

You ran into your bathroom door and looked at yourself in the mirror.

But you couldn’t.

You put a hand over your mouth and sobbed. “Kun!!!!!”

Kun joined you in the bathroom. “Ah, yes. You won’t be able to gain access to your reflection for another twenty years.”

“Twenty years...What is going on?”

“But what else, y/n? I turned you. To save your life.”

“Turned me into what, Kun?! Say it!”

Kun smiled. “Darling, you already know. Just admit it to yourself.”

You cried. “No…”

“You’ve always wanted a new body. A new life, y/n. And I’ve given it to you. I’ve made you the most powerful creature on this damned planet: a vampire.”

You fell to the ground. You could feel your fangs against your tongue.“Kun! Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to you?”

Kun sat with you on the ground. “Because I love you, y/n. I never want to be apart from you again.”

You spat in his face. “You made me into a monster.”

Kun, unbothered, wiped your spit away with the sleeve of his coat. “I did not. I made you the best version of yourself you can be. Time for you has become infinite. Your body is immune to all illnesses now. You can see clearly. Your metabolism is in top shape. You are a goddess now.”

You shook your head. “Kun, take it back.”

He chuckled. “You’ve seen enough movies to know that that’s not how it works, y/n...You are mine now. Forever. Just like Sicheng. Just like a lot of the staff in this hospital.”

You shook your head rapidly. “Like hell I’m yours.”

“Y/n, I have been very generous up until this point. Using my blood to help you overcome your chronic condition. Funding your hospital bills...The least you can do is submit to me....”

It was hard to process all of the truths he just delivered. “Your blood?”

He laughed. “You mean you couldn’t taste my blood in the herbal mixture?”

You were about to throw up.

He chuckled darkly. “Admit it, y/n. You loved it.”

“Fuck you, Kun!”

He smiled. “We’ll get to that…”

You sneered. “You are despicable.”

His smile faded. “And you are testing my patience…” He snapped his fingers at you. “On your knees…”

You stayed on the floor with your arms crossed across your chest.

He frowned as he snapped again. “On your knees, y/n.”

“I don’t think so,” you said.

Kun looked taken aback. “What? How?”

You got up from the ground and looked at him. “I will never submit to you for as long as I live..” If vampires were even considered living.

You ran quickly out of the hospital room, realizing you had superhuman speed now. You were able to leave the historial without facing any temptation to bite someone.

But your thirst had to be satisfied somehow and you had to find a way to quench it without hurting anyone.

___

[2 years later]

You’d skipped town not long after you turned. You sent letters to your family without a return address so as not to risk their safety.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m so sorry I ran away. I had no choice. If I didn’t leave, you all would’ve been in danger. One day, I hope to explain it all to you but in the meantime, live your lives fully and love each other. Don’t take anything for granted. I love you so much and will see you again.

Love,

y/n

You had become an infamous blood bag bandit as you moved across the country, running away from Kun. He would occasionally try and track you. Or he would send his henchman like Sicheng to do it for him.

You were lucky so far. You had never attacked a human being and sustained yourself on some blood bags you were able to nab from donating trucks.

The reason why you didn’t submit yourself to Kun that day was indeed because of his blood. Consumption of his blood made you immune to his influence. He couldn’t have you like he had wanted all along.

Kun had been obsessed with you from the very beginning. When you were discharged from the hospital the time you met him, he continuously stalked you. At college, at the grocery store, at your home...It would explain why he was able to send Sicheng to attack you.

He always knew where you were back then.

Kun commanded Sicheng to bite you then and put you at risk of dying. Kun’s plan was to save you, make you his vampire queen, and control you.

It was a shame he failed to see that his creation of medicinal herbs was the one thing that would lead to his plan’s failure.

You were immune to his commands and you weren’t going to stick around and see how else he would try and “win you over”.

According to your research, in all public records, Kun was now twenty-six. A blatant lie since he couldn’t age. So you wondered how long he would remain in your hometown. You kept a careful eye on your family every now and then. You’ve made some contacts to track your family occasionally, as well.

Kun had stooped low and you prayed he wouldn’t stoop even lower to get you.

You worked hard every day to work on your rapidly growing vampiric abilities. You couldn’t stick around anywhere for too long without arousing suspicion.

Now you weren’t confined to one space anymore.

You were confined to running.

You hoped to one day bring it this madness to an end and take Kun down. Save Sicheng and Kun’s other minions.

And for you to truly be free.

[Fin]

341 notes · View notes

pigeonfancier · 3 years ago

Text

I got referred to the gastro who diagnosed me with pancreatitis, back in 2015, and went in for the appointment yesterday. It sure was something.

When she asked me about my chart:

Her: Your chart says autoimmunal pancreatitis, but you don't have IGG4 symptoms.

Me: Yeah, I wanted to ask about that, because there's a lot of different terms, and I wasn't sure which one I should use. Autoimmunal is what I was told (BY HER, IN 2015), but it isn't IGG4, yeah. What do I call it, then, since it's not acute, and the other specialists said chronic is for substance abuse derived pancreatitis?

Her: I don't know.

Me:

Her:

Her: [to the nurse] Just write down hereditary pancreatitis.

Upon asking why I came in, and my response of pancreatitis management:

Her: Are you taking enzymes?

Me: I was, but I'm not right now. It seemed like they were causing me more pain after awhile, instead of lessening it. Is that a thing? Or was I somehow taking them incorrectly?

Her: I don't know.

Me:

Me: Well, I wanted to find out about how I can manage it better, if there's a way outside of enzymes? I take 6-8 Tylenol daily, and I eat a very, very low fat diet, but neither of those are ideal long-term, and I'm still having to manage pain through Tylenol use. I heard from other patients that they've been prescribed steroids, and that's helped push the condition to remission? I was hoping I could try that?

Her: Steroids only help if you have inflammation, and they don't do anything if you don't. Do you have inflammation? [pause] Do you still have enzymes?

Me: I have an older bottle, yes -

Her: [long pause] I really can't tell if you want a new enzymes prescription or not?

When I told her that I was told to come back to her, because I might have Peutz-Jegher and they were testing for it, but I was told I needed to get my pancreatitis more in remission to check for full symptoms:

Her: Why would you have peutz-jegher? It's hereditary. Does anyone in your family have it? Someone in your family would have to have it.

Me: The dermatologist thought I had it, because sudden appearance of dark spots on my lip. I'm not sure if it's familial, but it seems plausible? They have some genetic markers that might indicate it, apparently, and there's a bad history of cyst disorders, including in one of my cousins, so they ran a genetic screening thing on me -

Her: Cysts? Peutz Jegher is a vascular disease. If you're not having constant nosebleeds or bleeding, you don't have it.

Dear reader, Peutz Jegher is not a vascular disease.

I'm kind of glad she promptly started asking me about nosebleeds, then derailed the rest of the visit after that into making sure that, if I have PYS, I go ahead and go to a gynecologist yearly, to make sure that I don't get uterine or ovarian cancer. Because if I get ovarian or uterine cancer, that can impact my fertility, and that'd be just terrible.

Because that's what I'm really worried about, here. Not the fuck-you-high cancer risk of it, or the constant Tylenol usage right now, or figuring out how to not constantly have my pancreas taking a bat to me.. it's popping out sprogs. Because when you potentially have multiple, very inheritable genetic diseases, that's definitely what you want to do..?

IDK! I was convinced my research was incorrect and I was being a dipshit, because she was acting like I was. And if you push me persistently enough in any discussion, I will start doubting myself, because I am a reed in the wind. But the very firm declarations that PJS has nothing to do with cysts, and is entirely a vascular disease, related to your veins and hematomas [?!], was thankfully enough to make me realise.. oh, no, okay, I'm not dumb, she just doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about here.

It's fiiine. Genetic testing is also covering pancreatitis, so. Promethease has all of my aunts with a shit load of markers for it, my sister has a shit load of markers for it, and my test is old as balls and doesn't have as much information in it as everyone else's, but still has markers. My uncle had pancreatitis, apparently, although no one felt the need to inform my mother of that until.. last month.

And that means as soon as I get the 100% positive "this is genetic, stop acting like this is my punishment for my non-existent fucking alcohol use" paper in my hands, I'll just put together a binder of medical papers discussing the use of steroids as a treatment, bring it to my general practitioner, and see if I can just try prednisone through informed consent. And maybe it will work! Maybe it will not!

But at least I can say that I've tried it, since the doctors can't give me an answer beyond "take more tylenol".

And I'll keep crossing my fingers that I don't have PYS, because haha jesus christ. I thought doctors were dicks before, but having a discussion on pain management and managing an existing disorder derailed into a semi-lecture on how I NEED TO FOCUS ON HOW TO MAKE SURE I CAN STILL HAVE CHILDREN is a new level of what the actual fuck. Welcome to my 30's, I fucking guess.

#I was very sour / guiltily resentful at one point of people with substance induced pancreatitis #but I think I've just flipped from resentful to sympathetic #because it's absolute bullshit that people think substance abuse is something that should be punished!#but I can try to opt out of the shitty treatment #they can't - and that's not fair that they're treated like that fucking period #who knew that medical disorders aren't something put on this earth to punish us for our actions?#grouse grouse grouse :[#d. rambles #the mysterious fainting waif disease #substance abuse mention

4 notes · View notes

thenightisland · 3 years ago

Text

tirade about my own health and doctors/healthcare workers not listening to their fucking patients under the cut like a /really/ long tirade

so i don’t talk a lot about being physically sick on here but i’ve had various physical health issues for most of my time on this planet and my god it has been an uphill battle every step of the way to get them recognized. like i’m sure that back in The Day they didn’t take my concerns or suggestions seriously bc i was a teenage girl so what do i know (never mind that i grew up in the medical field and would literally cite research studies and symptomology). and the second they realized that i had depression and anxiety, every physical issue i had was just attributed to that. it took five years to convince them that my headaches were due to a chronic migraine condition not my depression, despite my mother having the same condition. it took ten years to convince them that a lot of my symptoms were hypothyroidism...not depression. and the worst battle has been the fact that my entire gi system has been garbage from day one like i have been constantly sick my entire life and i remember going to the doctor and being like i think i need to be tested for This based on the problems i’m having. they would then test me for something else (ie they tested me for gluten intolerance even though gluten based foods were some of the only things i /could/ tolerate eating, instead of testing me for what i asked to be tested for), and when that test would inevitably come back negative, they would act like it was case closed, like bc i tested negative for one condition that that somehow negated the fact that all of my illness and symptoms were still there. like???? just bc you do not diagnose the problem on the first try doesn’t make the problem go away i am still sick just like i was last week test me for something else do /something/. and the something they ultimately did over and over was blame it all on me having anxiety. so all these very real physical symptoms were reduced to being psychosomatic manifestations of my mental illnesses. which is. really shitty medicine. no physical symptoms are taken seriously once a doctor decides it’s “all in your head” even if there is very real evidence that that is not the case.

so in december i just went to a specialist myself without a referral like fight me i have money you’re going to see me whether i have a referral or not i’m sick of this. and i /still/ had to do too much persuasion to convince them to run some real diagnostics on me despite the fact that all the women on my mom’s side of the family have histories of bleeding ulcers and autoimmune gi disorders. their first thing too was to test me for another fucking gluten intolerance like i am not gluten intolerant get the records from my other doctor and move on that’s not the issue i’ve been dealing with this shit my whole life. and i guess i successfully annoyed them enough bc i finally got the diagnostic tests that i’ve been wanting since i was a teenager (that they wouldn’t give me back then bc “well typically those tests are done on older adults” despite having symptoms that could easily justify them). so i cannot tell you the sheer fucking delight waking up from my propofol haze to hear them telling me that they found gastritis and ulcerations and three different things to test/biopsy (nothing cancer-y don’t worry) like YEAH I BET YOU DID GEE IT’S ALMOST LIKE ALL THESE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS I’VE HAD FOR TWENTY YEARS ARE BEING CAUSED BY A PHYSICAL ILLNESS AND NOT ME HAVING ANXIETY

which like i grew up in the medical community my parents are both healthcare workers and my whole adult life i’ve been a nurse it should never have taken all this time and fighting to get things properly addressed. it shouldn’t take any of this for layman patients to get stuff addressed either, but the fact that a healthcare worker who has a degree in literally knowing how different illnesses present cannot convince her doctors to do relevant tests based on symptomology, that just seems like an extra level of insane this is not a googles headache and decides they have brain cancer bc of webmd thing this is a patient with /academic and clinical training/ in this shit. like the migraines and the thyroid were infuriating battles to win but truly nothing compares to the gi bullshit. i have had to go through customs in a wheelchair bc i was too sick to walk. i spent christmas on the floor in the fetal position when all i ate was a piece of plain toast. literally every time i eat there’s a 50/50 chance i will get extremely sick so i have to gamble like do i eat at work and risk being ill or do i wait and not eat all day until i get home where it doesn’t matter if i end up sick? my quality of life has been garbage for so long and i can’t help but wonder if that would have been the case if i 1. hadn’t been dismissed for being a teenage girl and 2. hadn’t had all my physical symptoms dismissed as being due to “anxiety” and it /infuriates/ me like i want to take these literal photos of my ulcerated insides and shove them in the face of all the doctors who would not take me seriously like /do you believe me now assholes/

#this has been a useless text post you may now resume your normal programming #this got away from me but GOD #patients should not have to do this much fighting #or this much of the heavy lifting RE figuring out what's wrong

3 notes · View notes

desroundtree · 4 years ago

Text

Realizations and Accountability

Time for some interesting talk about taking responsibility for some of the pain I’m in. Not laying blame, just taking responsibility.

So I’m calling myself out.

There are things I do that aggravate the conditions I have. Though most of these things are pretty much habits I need to break in order for this journey to be a bit easier. Accountability is a word I hear a lot. Not only to movements or causes but I have heard and seen a lot of people hold others accountable - so it’s time to set some very realistic goals and grasp the very real concept of accountability.

As hard as this is, I am going to eat better. At one point in this journey I was completely grain free and I felt a lot better. Being in quarantine kind of tampered any continuation on that path when all I wanted to do was drink alcohol, eat cake and cry. I’m not saying any of those things changed EVERYTHING but I now know that these slight changes in my diet can change things in a big way. I’m committed to reducing the amount of grains in my diet, I haven't had a drink since May and unfortunately cake has turned to a Three Musketeer obsession, which is not great but is slightly better.

As much as exercise is recommended, when I’m in pain all I want and need to do is lay down, shower or cry. I don’t even write because it permeates every word, action and feeling I portray. It makes me unhappy to be away from my family, and it makes me unhappy for them to see me suffer, it makes me unhappy to sleep all day and stare blankly into the darkness at night. It makes me depressed in a way words don’t quantify. I know and believe exercise will help with this aspect of my journey. I have walked when I can in order to get some much necessary sunlight but also to be able to feel like my body can still move. But there are days I simply don’t do it. I feel like I can’t, like it’s not worth it, like it does nothing but make things worse. And there are days I don’t do it because I flat out don’t want to - the depression is too bad, the pain keeps winning. That can’t happen anymore if I expect or want my body to heal. Yoga at least twice a week is my goal, along with my daily meditation in order to try to relate and release the things I am struggling to let go of.

Stress is a huge issue for me. Anger and guilt too. I work on it weekly in therapy and just when it seems like I have it figured out, the lessons just fade when something out of my control happens. Lately, it's been pretty aggressive battles with Misophonia during what feels like a great time of construction upheaval in the neighborhood around me. Including inside my physical house. The stress stems from everything and I’m aware of that but it’s really hard not to worry about every damn thing all the damn time.

We exist in such a turbulent place for someone with mental illness, so I can’t imagine how people are calm, cool and collected. Nothing has changed for me since March. The panic hasn't changed. The dread hasn't subsided. Maybe it's because I was in Brooklyn when going to the grocery store was considered a scavenging mission and the sirens meant nothing but death and suffering. Unfortunately the memory that has served me well in the past has become my enemy. Images replay in my head though I have not seen them on purpose, disappointment in so-called leadership has left me in a constant state of fear, and to be honest there isn’t a day when I feel like I’m not stressed to the maximum capacity that my mind, and body, can handle. To me, that’s a sad thing. There is joy but there is also intense thought of how and what and why and who. All the time.

I am angry. I know I am and I know I have a right to be. But when I recall times when the pain didn’t reside in my body like a tenant - I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t carrying this baggage, this nonsense, this disappointment. I was feeling free and in a place where good things were not only welcomed but deserved. Right now, I’m in a place of turmoil. The constant barrage of complete nonsense from the outside world has been deafening and then altering. I feel as if I absorb it all and just wait for the right moment for people to understand just how angry I am.

It’s funny because I can’t pinpoint when the anger became a major problem but I can say you can narrow it down to 2016. Naturally, I believe I am an angry person, not angry but I have a short temper. I can be confrontational with the best of them and my words are always sharp and calculated. Death by a thousand cuts is and has always been my strategy. It’s unfortunate but true. It’s a hard and unique relationship to understand. But anger is something that isn’t unfamiliar.

I try not to react from that place but lately it’s impossible for me to control. I don’t want to go into reasons why I am angry with the world but I can explain why I am angry with my situation. I have Lupus, an incurable autoimmune disease that’s complications will probably kill me and I’m pretty damn angry about it. I have fibromyalgia so I’m in pain constantly lately and this has robbed me of time with my family as I just wasn’t well enough to move from my bed, cook dinner or even have conversations. It makes me angry that something I can’t control has complete control over me. Don’t say it doesn’t, it does unfortunately. In order to attempt to help with this I’ve attempted a meditation practice and it’s in its infancy so I will withhold judgement until it’s fiddling around in my brain convincing me that it's ok to save quiet for me in that crowded space.

Memories have also become a problem. COVID19 has changed me and it’s affecting my health - and I haven’t even caught the virus. The paranoia surrounding catching it is enough. I am struggling and holding on to memories I think I won’t ever make again. It settles like a sadness I can’t get rid of. It is tied to everything and I feel like I’m going to have to learn to exist in this weird uncomfortable life after COVID19 and try to accept that change has happened and we are all in it. I have to try to accept the selfishness of those around me. I have to accept that the only people I am responsible for are me and my family, even though I want to save the world.

I carry the pain in the muscles of my back and shoulder like the weight of the world is truly there. My legs and feet ache like I’m taking the steps I wish I was for the change we need and must demand in this country. My arms hurt as if they’ve been forced into the very unnatural position you’ve seen many protestors experience as they are arrested for exercising their constitutional rights. My wrists and hands ache. But most of all, the pain I carry in my heart makes it feel impossible to get better or it makes me feel selfish for wanting to feel better when other people weren’t given the same choice.

The emotions that feel bottled up just push at my skin to break free. The words sit on my fingertips that ache with all the ideas, anger and love they feel unable to express. I’m finding space for that too - and I’m hoping therapy will also allow me an outlet to discuss things I carry that anymore. I’m hoping it will give my mouth the freedom to save my heart.

I can feel better, that doesn’t mean I am better and that’s something a lot of people who don’t have chronic or mental illness understand. Everything changes the way I feel and unless I walk around in a bubble there is no way for me to block out the world. I don’t have the privilege nor would I ever want to exist in a world where I’m numb to everything around me. So I feel everything with all of my being and that has done nothing but hurt me physically. All of the pain results from holding onto things that are mine, not mine and everyone else’s.

So in order to be accountable, I have to stop that too.

Things take time. I know that and holding myself accountable won't be easy. I know there will be days when I want to eat like shit or have one too many tequilas. But I can now say that I am accountable for those things and instead of walking around wondering why I am sick, I am going to understand the part I play in exacerbating my illnesses. It's time to understand that not everything is easy, but it doesn't always have to be hard if I can do the right thing - for myself.

Right now accountability is key.

8 notes · View notes