#i am just not going to be emotionally available to anyone that day

[marsbutterfly]

dear god just thinking that in 23 days chapter 132 animation will be out makes me feel like

[crystallilytarot]

Choose a stuffie. Messages from your future partner

Pile 1 - panda

I think there will be a big change in your life before you two meet, or a big change is happening now. Your future partner said keep going. Please, don't give up. I know it's hard, but it will worth it, please, just keep trying, just hold on a little longer. Do it for me baby. I am coming sooner than you think. We will have a happy family together. (for some of you it can be pets too) We will be so happy, I promise you. All the things you dreamed about, it will be a reality soon. Our love is a little bit like a fairytale. We will also be best friends too. I love you so much! It's hard for me too, but we have to keep believing and keep going. I'm sending you a lot of kisses. Don't give up hope honey!

I also think number 6 and 9 can be significant here, and some water, a lake, beach, sand, and sunshine. Your life will be more happy when you meet. I think your partner and your story is wholesome, I almost teared up, it's beautiful.

Pile 2 - teddy

I feel that you and your partner both had some negative experiences when it comes to love. They said, they know what you are going through. They were betrayed and heartbroken too. They know they still have some issues they need to work on, but they feel better every day. I think they need a little more time, but they are not so far away. Or maybe physically far from you, I feel they live elsewhere or can be a foreigner too. Feels like their voice is a little distant. But I think they only have a little trust issue now, they are almost ready to open up again. And once they arrive, they will be an emotionally available, mature person, a good material for a relationship. They will be so understanding, caring, loving. They will be patient if you need time to anything. You can talk to them about anything literally. Once they are in your life, they will make a lot of efforts to sweep you off your feet, they want you and they will do everything to prove it for you. You both will be healed, everything forgotten, because it's like one in a lifetime kinda relationship. I honestly feel like nothing matters as long as you are there for each other. You are in a bubble, you are finally safe, you are loved. And they said they love you and never forget, that you are worthy. You are precious. And you are a real treasure for them! They want to send you a ❤️ too.

Also grey, numbers 3,6, and letters M or H can be significant.

Pile 3 - bunny

They are very proud of you. You are so strong, and you should be proud of yourself too. You are right when you stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, it's your life! You two feels like a power couple. I think communication will be very good. They are someone who you can finally talk to. You are both so smart. They said nobody was in your level, so of course you wasn't a good match with anyone, because you are a gem. You deserve better. They also feels like someone who stand up for their loved ones and for what they believe. And if someone treats you wrong, they will have a word with them for sure. Also if you want to move to another place, they will help you with it. Or for some of you, if you want to change your job or something, they said do it. It can be scary, but it's needed, you should really do it. Maybe you feel lonely sometimes, and they know there are days when it's hard, but those people around you won't understand you. You're a high quality person, so you need someone high quality too, like them. They said you will definitely travel a lot, together and you will move to a place where you will be very happy, where you can be yourself. If you are in a toxic environment now, this new place will be so much better. A real home. And they also said that they will love your body very much, they will admire you.

Numbers 2 and 9 can be significant, also a long item, maybe a sword, a tree, and a crown. You will be the rich, elegant, high value couple from a fanfiction.

[eepyfaggoth]

Job Opportunity in (no longer) Boston

Hello! I'm a multiply disabled medically complex wheelchair user in greater boston who relies on caregivers and i am hiring! No experience necessary, just be resourceful, patient, covid cautious, dependable, and an enthusiastic learner. Especially looking for other fat people! Hoping for someone who drives but I am accessible via the T.

Turning to tumblr as a bit of a hail mary because i am having a really hard time finding someone who can do the job, show up, and also be normal to me as a fat disabled queer through local channels, and i have one worker now who comes as often as they can, but ive been without adequate support for a while. i would appreciate anyone and everyone who reblogs, to possibly get this in the eyes of someone who might be a good fit! welcoming advice as well!

I have the sweetest esa cat

Pay is 19$ an hour funded by masshealth, i have 30-35 hours available and you can work as many or as few of those as you want

Im still very much trying to figure out life with my disability and how to function and organize and communicate my needs and navigating what I'm emotionally able to accept help with, but in general I need help with housework, cooking, managing my medical care, pushing me in my manual wheelchair, sometimes help using a slide board, and I'm still trying to figure out what things look like on a daily basis. going places with or for me. helping me get in the car, helping me pack a backpack if i need to go somewhere. getting mail, helping clean and pick things up off the floor, organizing medical appointments, making phone calls, unpacking medical equipment. emptying a pee jar. Helping me manage/charge medical equipment. I have a hard time lifting my arms a lot because of really bad neck issues, and i have really limited stamina. Putting drinks in smaller bottles, taking packaging off things. I also kind of need help with dressing and bathing sometimes but I have a really hard time coping with that and so like. That happens when it happens and is what it is. I have some systems for washing my hair without actually getting in the shower. I have variable conditions so things might not be the same all the time, on a good day I might be able to sit up for a while and do tasks, on a bad day it's very hard to bring a drink to my lips.

There's no physically lifting my entire body, but I do need someone who can lift the 50lb largest piece of one my wheelchairs and standard everyday heavy stuff like groceries or boxes of protein shakes. And sometimes my limbs. There's also likely things like reaching and stooping, alas, I drop a lot of things on the floor. I have a lot of allergies and some tasks are more complicated than they otherwise might be, and Im really hoping to find someone who can pay attention to detail and is comfortable working through things slowly.

i have a lot of allergies so memory and attention to detail are important, as is a willingness to wash hands frequently. i have a disorder called mast cell activation syndrome and frankly the precautions i need to take feel absurd

covid precautions:

Masks required! I'm hoping to find someone who also takes other precautions.I also need someone to be careful about monitoring yourself and not coming in if you are sick with *anything* because I *will* get it and it *will* be a multiple week ordeal where I likely experience dangerous symptoms. must be able to test weekly and mask with a k/n95 while around me. ideally be someone who lives low risk (masks everywhere, doesnt attend crowded events / spaces, etc). cannot be someone with a high risk lifestyle (has kids in primary school, unmasked in food service areas regularly, etc) we can talk about my precautions too, right now i havent left my house in weeks, i have two way masking with my current pca, and occasionally an unmasked delivery person will come into my apartment though id like to work on solutions to this. i need to like. revamp my precautions. but i dont go anywhere without a mask, i only have unmasked contact with another person if someone comes into my apartment and i cant get to my mask, i am eating while my pca is here and they are masked, or when my also homebound and careful partner is visiting. if someone was working for me more than 25 hours a week and lived a very low risk life i might be open to having a bubble with them during non surge times with precautions like air filters?

i really try to create a calm and positive work environment, though i have complex and real needs and i've been struggling to survive for a long time and i am very overwhelmed. i care deeply about a humanizing workplace, and i am looking for someone who will care enough about my needs as a human being to take the job seriously even though i am as flexible as possible.

About me, in case that helps?

Fat genderfluid dyke. I'm on my third medical leave from college (like a champ!) but I study medical anthropology, disability studies, and linguistics. I don't get out much or do a lot right now because of my illness but i like fiber arts, music, I don't do tons because I spend most of my time in bed but im really passionate about mutual aid, it's been a a minute but I've been wanting to get back into d&d, I think the magicians is the greatest work of television ever written, and I've been trained as a clown and want to try stand up (well, sit down) comedy at some point. I'm a bit neurotic but very self aware. trying to sort out anticonsumerism in the context of my disability. i value creativity, resourcefulness, autonomy, and consent.

(if this went like really well, i am also potentially looking to apply for housing assistance with accommodation for a room for a live in aid, but probably in western mass. idk)

Gwen :) he/they

Message for details

[trans-femme-fag-dyke]

T4T sEggs Cracking

Sex changes when you transition as a t-girl. New realities come into focus. New turn-ons emerge. A world of novel psychological and physiological experiences are added to the mix, or replace it entirely. Hormones and their impact terraform the ecology into a mycelial divine feminine, replete with new pleasure pathways. In short, it is wild and beautiful, feral and oozing with potential.

What I wasn’t prepared for, though, was how transfiguring the experience of T4T sex would be. Not by a mile.

Degrading Glorification

(What follows is a dual narrative, embellished and made whole by my lover’s own description of our tryst, which may I tell you is really fucking hot. Anyone who finds discovery and meaning in the process of writing has my attention and, most likely, my lust).

Just another day on Grindr receiving unsolicited dick pic after dick pic from people who ignore my profile’s clear insistence on T4T only.

While I don’t avail myself of these opportunities, there is something to be said for the euphoria that comes from being seen by cishets as a girl. Even seeing me as an attractive t-girl, if they’re purely fetishizing that tribal identifier, doesn’t hurt. Having spent too many years in the closet as a boy-modular gay, I am immune to the aggression of those advances and treat it more like a research project, tagging each new appendage into its relevant mental taxonomy: thick, thin, black, white, clean, cum-covered, veiny, etc. Back in the day, these advances were perfectly acceptable — direct, to the point, like the hawking of wares in a saturated meat market. I was less interested in what they were attached to as I was in their function. Emotion and personality were cast aside.

As a t-girl, though, there is a crossing of the privilege divide into an East Berlin of fear and insecurity. Too often, and too unpublicized, are the examples of anti-trans violence that it’s simply not the same fuck economy that it used to be. And anyway, my orientation has changed.

Orientation shift in transition is a topic that could command an entire thesis, so I won’t go into it here. Suffice it to say that almost overnight, as the estrogen moved through my body, I lost my interest in gay or straight men. Perhaps because being with a gay guy, although still on the table before secondary sex characteristics set in and I could stealthily navigate those penetrations, would send a dysphoric signal deep into my programming.

I find myself attracted to trans energy mostly.

Grindr is a numbers game in Los Angeles. There’s so much flakiness you become accustomed to being ignored or conversations end abruptly. Not to mention that hooking up here is so governed by travel times which fluctuate wildly throughout the days asymmetrical commuting times, that the whole affair can be a non-started at the outset.

But she responded. Glorious brunette, with long wavy hair, small pursed lips and an aloofness that immediately activated my pathological desire of the emotionally unavailable. What can I say, my mother fucked me up.

She — let’s call her Adeline — lived about 10 minutes away, so in an abundance of well-heeled politeness cut with impatient lust, I went to pick her up.

Cue the usual slightly coy banter as we both worked each other out during the ride. The dissipation of fear which comes with these Grindr “dates” for traps, which always carry a soupçon of terror to them and see us scrambling to etch a last will and testament into our iPhone notes app and share location with friends as it plays out.

I emerged from the bathroom topless.

Oh fuck, she thought, nipple piercings. The most physical symbol of deviance there is.

We started making out on the sofa and immediately some force took a hold of me. I felt like our bodies were fusing inside a blacksmith’s forge. We were glitching like a hacked mainframe, opening up its secrets to Snowden’s deft digital lock-picking. We were like people who hadn’t eaten in days set loose on a Vegas buffet.

I ran my hands over her back and through her hair, interlocking my teeth around her neck and ears. Almost epileptic in spasms of uncontrollable, uncensored I searched for my frontal cortex and managed to articulate that we should move to the bedroom.

My friend S had told me to expect fireworks in my first T4T experience. Their look of both shock and empathetic excitement registered on their FaceTime framed face.

They hinted at the dynamic’s incendiary force with an elliptical smile, leaving me hanging like a teaser trailer.

“I can’t explain it, but there’s just something to that energy, that vibe. I’m so excited for you. Like fucking excited!”

And Jesus fucking christ, they were right. I can see why they held off on the detail. Language fails.

We made our way to the bedroom where I revealed my kink drawer. There’s a cornucopia of debauchery in this unassuming pine wood piece of furniture: masks, paddles, leashes, collars, nipple clamps and floggers.

We negotiated our limits, settling on consensual non-consent. In short, anything goes.

We couldn’t have been more perfectly matched. When she initially shared photos with me on the app she gave a trigger warning around the bruises I’d see. It just so happened that impact play and relishing in the blues, browns, yellows and purples of corporeal graffiti aftermath was something we shared.

“I don’t care if you draw blood,” I assured her.

“Well ok then, you pathetic little slut,” she hissed, “lay the fuck down.”

I hadn’t fully anticipated how rapidly she would turn on the sadistic domme energy and I didn’t question it. I couldn’t.

Mmmmmmmmm, mama’s hungry, I thought as my crotch began to throb.

I don’t need to pull my punches, she thought, I can really indulge this deeper cruelty in me.

“Yes, mistress!” I responded, getting into role as the slut spit dump I’d soon become.

I lay down.

“Open wide, slut,” she ordered as she spat on my face, all the while positioning her mouth over mine and dribbling long translucent threads of drool onto my tongue and down my throat. She lunged for my neck with lupine grace and hunger, digging her teeth in and unleashing eddies of dopamine and oxytocin. I could feel the fledgling bruises on my neck and knew they’d be difficult to hide but at this point she could have pushed a blade into my lungs and I’d have kissed her while the blood bubbled out of my mouth.

These were feelings I had never felt before.

It was like all my shame, low self-esteem, trauma, alienation, anxiety and isolation channeled a lightning strike turning sand into clear shards of luminescent glass.

It felt both individual and collective, all ruptures and salvation of minority stressed gender fuckery, raining down and being soaked up. An effervescent tribal alchemy of ecstatic release.

The power of consensual degradation cannot be underestimated. I took years of being trodden down by things beyond my control. The abuse of my mother, the deprivation of affection, the laundering of all currencies of love through a front of cold calculation. All of this turned to steam through the act of my submitting to it with someone who also made me vibrate with light. All of those times when I had no fucking say in what happened to me, as humanity depriving as it was and violently unfair, I now took back. I resignified it, reclaimed it, decolonized and liberated it.

She attached the leash to my collar and yanked me onto the floor.

“If you’re a good girl, you’ll get a treat.” She said sternly, with the consummate control of a well-etched domme.

Up until now, she’d only really experimented with this role but now, she leapt up into the saddle ready for battle. From where I crouched, lapping up her girl dick with such an eagerness to please, it felt like she’d been doing this all her life.

In the dawn of her 20s, this girl came with a level of sexual confidence and experience that can only be found in trans circles. It’s like our bodies are always searching for each other with odyssean ardor. Simultaneous electrons suspended in tandem states.

I clambered back onto the bed like a dog and she straddled me, our girl dicks entwined in her hand with a vibrator in between. Edging, foreplay, the beautiful mirage of the female orgasm which rises and falls, ebbs and flows, coming into focus then going blurry as the mind and the body speaks in foreign tongues.

It was the kind of sex you never want to end. Constant punishment, submission, bratty deliberate misbehavior, retaliation, good behavior and treats.

“You told me you were going to cum you fucking whore. Well, are you?!” she cursed.

“Fuck my pussy, mistress. I need something in me so I can cum for you.”

One, two, then three fingers entered me as she celebrated my gaping hole.

“I love how loose you are.”

Ugh, I felt so seen. I’ve been trying to make my ass loose for years. It’s been one of my sexual north stars. I want to be able to get entire cities inside me. Until my neo-puzzy arrives, my ass has been my pussy substitute and I’ve wanted her to stretch until my bud becomes labia and turns from circle into that canal like corridor of floral ingress.

It didn’t take long, with my ass full of her hand, and I reached that liquidless trap climax and lay there panting, dripping in spit, sweat, and a sense of sexed gender euphoria I had waited 39 years to feel.

Who knew that in order to feel my most beautiful, it would take this level of degradation.

We languished, dripping in sweat and overtaken by an exhaustion which was held in abeyance by the relentless motor of sex.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to do that again,” I said, with the last remaining energy and breath left in me.

“We might not be able to. I’m probably moving to Berlin in a few weeks,” she responded with a signature level of matter-of-factness and regret.

Afterword

This is a post from Threads that resonated with me.

@aspirationaltea I think this post is me realizing T4T lesbian is the full explanation of my sexuality at least?

That’s how I walked away from the experience with Adeline. Literally and figuratively changed forever. In one fell swoop a single lover had the power to make me feel seen for the first time in my life.

Now of course any first time has the potential to carry the hyperbole of its impact. But the water that slacks the thirst of the desert stranded is the exact same water we all drink. The difference, however, is life saving.

I would usually chalk up an experience without more penetration as fun but not fulfilling. In this scene I had a few fingers inside me for a few minutes. And yet I lost all sense of time and place, sinking into the experience like feet in clittoral sand.

It was pure T4T lesbian sex, as much connection, edging and build as it was a wham bam teleology. The purpose was communion and connection.

T4T sex transfigures and transubstantiates the entire experience into a physical act. Inside every bite, kiss, spit, yank, finger and curse, was a microcosm of the entire experience of trans identity. Eucharist anointed trap fantasy.

Our shared struggles, estrogen shortages, dirty glances turned our way, rejections. Our alignments, the joyful tears t-girls shed over the smallest things as their emotional synapses reinitiate, our first sports bra. Everything is there, unspoken but enacted ritualistically like the world is burning all around us and we carry on regardless. Which is, alas, what it feels like a lot of the time.

At the core of the experience was the abiding sense of safety which comes from being intimate with someone who knows how important it is to cultivate that in as many spaces, few though they may be, as possible.

In addition, the dimension of kink/BDSM brings its own magnetic locus of individuation and resignification. We find submission, abjectification, degradation, and pain paired up with consent, control, compassion, negotiation, communication, and transcendence. We recontextualize experiences which in every other life domain are precursors or consequences of socially aberrant behavior or undesirable hierarchical role playing.

Whether the sub is in control or the dom is, just as with tops and bottoms, is a question for the ages. The person under the thumb, in so allowing it, arguably possesses some power over the person they artificially and consensually elevate to that position. When you have nothing to lose because you have relinquished it, you can only be net positive existentially.

The point is the horizontal socialism of the trans lesbian experience. No one person controls. All are equal and the roleplay is merely an enactment of the end of dominion by external forces.

For what baits the enemy like getting back on your feet or smiling in their face? As blood streams out of your nostrils and you turn to face your captor ready for another beating, you demonstrate an unwavering faith in the ultimate form of the Golden Rule: if your enemy strikes you, turn the other cheek and ask, “Have I been a good girl, Mistress?”

[youremyheaven]

I need some advice. I feel like I'm dying. Going through the worst period cramps ever (never had this in the past 11 years), it literally feels like someone is stabbing my cervix, uterine walls and the pathway walls (I feel a bit shy calling it what it is...like a normal woman). Its so bad, I've never had it like this before. Has to do with the fact I was having isues, doc put me on meds, as soon as the dosage was done: red sea spilleth over.

Know any home remedies to help? Or just any other advice to deal with this? Can't go to the doc rn, she'll suggest to hold off pain meds, I am taking over the counter anti-inflammatory stuff..yk the one for fevers and other pains. Its not working. Its been so debilitating...I can't sleep, sit, breathe, do anything...yk the type of pain that makes you bend and make your mouth water...idk if that happens to anyone else but yeah....

OMGGG 😩😨😨😓that sounds soooo rough, I hope you're feeling better now???

I have taken meftal spas for cramps since I was maybe 16-17 years old. Idk if that's available in other parts of the world??? but its widely available in India and its specifically for period cramp induced pain<333 I'm not a doctor so pls don't take any medication without exercising caution first!!! you may not react well to it or it may have adverse effects bc of the medication you're already taking ://// 😩😩

on that note, practicing yin yoga (which focuses on releasing stress from the hip area/psoas muscles) has greatly changed my reproductive system as a whole tbh, my sex drive changed, my relationship with my body changed (like even the way i walk changed bc my hips loosened up, which meant i walked more "freely" dont tell me its woowoo,, yk can just tell when someone's body is very "frozen" or "stiff" looking) and yesss my menstrual cycle was immensely affected by it.

i used to have HORRIBLE cramps, irregular cycles, HEAVY bleeding etc in my mid-late teens (this was because of trauma + eating disorder, in case u wanted to know) and now? my period is 3 days long, light bleeding, little to no pain and i attribute alllll of that to yoga<3

now i specifically like to do certain mudras and asanas (poses) which are supposed to help the female body specifically

and while this can help u when u are on your period, i suggest making it part of your lifestyle and living according to your monthly cycle's phases so that you can experience smoother periods. i dont think its realistic to do them if you're experiencing immense pain 😭

Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani)

This pose is known for increasing blood flow to the pelvic region which helps enhance the health of your reproductive organs.

2. Baddha konasana aka butterfly pose

helps the uterus<333

3. balasana or child's pose

tbh this might actually help even if ur ON your period, lying down like this is soooo soothing and comforting. ppl overcomplicate yoga, when the reality is that holding your body in certain poses can emotionally feel very comforting/freeing/nourishing etc but then again im only familiar with yin yoga/restorative yoga (there are manyyyy different types of yoga)

4. happy baby pose

as the name suggests this is how babies lay down and they seem happy for no reason,, i remember the first time i consciously did this pose and i was like???? this is yoga??? bc i would randomly do poses like these for no reason in bed (im sure we all do when we're bored) and if i intentionally do it?? its actually good for me??

again this pose helps with the hip muscles!!! the female body is always preparing for childbirth. regardless of whether or not you want to be a mom, taking care of your womb health and reproductive well being is CRUCIAL bc whether we like it or not we were designed this way and dont think of it as "preparing my body to bear children" just think of it as "preparing my body to be at its best" (the bearing kids is just a bonus) .. the state of your womb affects your whole being!!! its not a joke!!!

now here's some mudras:

yoni mudra

yoni means womb and as u can see, this pose imitates the 🫣🫣 its a highly beneficial mudra for women and helps with overall pelvic health. you can do it sitting cross legged. i like to chant mantras and do this pose,, it kicks in quicker or smthng idk 😳but it feels ✨

2. prana mudra

do this mudra on both hands btw!!

prana means life force

this mudra helps with overall immunity and pain management!!!

3. prithvi mudra

prithvi means earth and this mudra helps balance the earth element in your energetic system which means its gives you strength, resilience and physical energy (in case u feel tired, fatigued etc for no reason) as those are the qualities of the earth

now for some pranayamas

Bhramari/ honeybee buzzing

this is my fav bc its so simple and easy to do!! and who doesn't want to buzz like a bee??? 🥰😍

2. anulom vilom

this is also a very simple pranayam for beginners

the whole idea is to get your body into a state of relaxation so that you dont operate from a place of stress or anxiety. you can just feel peaceful all the time. imagine being that unbothered!!

sorry for going off on a tangent (me with every post lmao) these are some beginner friendly yoga asanas/mudras/pranayamas (all of which are diff components of yoga) that u can try when u feel comfortable!!

NOW about alleviating pain ASAP:

hot water bag

put that thing on ur stomach and lie down (after taking medicine) my mom used to do this all the time and it helped her a lot

2. roobois tea

i drink roobois tea almost everyday hehe but its said to help alleviate menstrual cramps 🤔and lower blood pressure,,

3. chamomile tea

is also said to help with period pain :o

4. look into your diet, sleep, overall lifestyle

you may not have had pain of this sort before but babe NOW UR A WOMAN ✨and u have to look at your lifestyle and ensure that its something that helps a woman's body feel rested and calm

being stressed all the time can take a physical toll on you and lead to all kinds of diseases later in life!! its in your best interest to RELAX

idk how much this helped 😭😭the most convenient thing to do would be to take medicine but u said u can't so :((( hot water bag + roobois tea???

ALSOOOO always wear socks during your period and keep your feet covered. i have sensitive feet so i wear socks at home often (this is uncommon in india, where we have a tropical climate lmao) BUT KEEP THOSE FEET COVERED,, there's some kind of science behind it but i dont remember it lmao,, all i know is that it makes me bleed less<333 and have more cozy periods and sleep better<33

ALSOOOO,, this could be an old wives tale but it worked for me (but im also delusional😍) eating dark chocolate and/or having a spoon of oil on day 1 of your period makes your period go smoothly?? 😭😭😭there's no harm in trying hehe

ALSOOO and ive never tried this but heating up like a tablespoon of oil and applying it to the bellybutton area 😳😳can help alleviate period pain 😳😳

lastly and most importantly, im just a girlblogger and NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT so pls dont put urself in an adverse position bc of something i said 😭😭😭

love always,

heaven ✨

[system-of-a-feather]

Thoughts on ESDM

So one of the like... three or four main reasons I moved out to Colorado was to learn and try out ESDM - or Early Start Denver Model. For those that don't know, its a relatively new but highly regarded (albeit some traditional ABA fans dislike it apparently, go figure) due to its active incorperation of developmental and attachment based studies + having some of the most robust research

The thing that has me humoring it at all is that they really dont do any discrete trial training (DTT) or any dedicated "work time" and everything is based in pro-stim play therapy

I heard of it first from my time in university cause the university I went to actually had one of the largest labs participating in research for the treatmenr and I heard it actually from one of their autistic researchers which they do actively look to hire on the labs page

I ALSO ran it by a vibe check from what my therapist (autism specialist, hates ABA) to see what hes heard and thought of it and he hasn't had extensive access to it, but all hes heard and seen is positive stuff and had no outstanding concerns

And so as a hardcore traditional ABA hater who would rather die than do traditional ABA again in ANY form under even the "best clinic" - I was genuinely just curious to see what the hype is

I'm honestly a skeptic despite what I've heard, but I'm on day three of training and (honestly have been doing petty tests to see how dedicated they are to supporting neurodiversity by not only NOT masking actively just stating any reserves I have and dissing traditional ABA whenever I get the chance) so far... I hesitantly want to say I think its living up to the hype???

Tomorrow is when we talk about how we handle "challenging behavior" so I'm KIND of waiting for the second shoe to drop cause if it does at any point in training, it would be there.

But genuinely, compared to what I saw in ABA clinics and even the non-ABA special education (for kids with extra support academically, developmentally or emotionally) classrooms, the kids genuinely seem to be having a much better of a time and actually wanting to be here.

It'll probably be a few months of actually working here before I have a firm stancd about what I think about it but I figured Id document some thoughts and observations I had on the treatment as I didn't see much of anyone talking about it in any "hey I actually hate ABA but do acknowledge that some neurodivergent kids need early support that create a high demand for care that is hard to meet with the current structure of mental health care and availibility of therapists and so I would really like to genuinely see something not traumatizing that can help" cause I personally am hesitant to trust "research" on anything based on ABA cause "research" exists for ABA as well

Anyways Ill be making this a thread of journal-ish things.

[riagraie]

How Lloyd's Imprinting Works

FINALLYYY i'm explaining this. i realized the other day i never explained how this worked in my AU. So, I'll be explaining the ins and outs of Imprinting for Ninjago's resident Dragon-Oni boy.

shouldn't be any spoiler warnings. this does contain OC content as well as xOC content. and note: this is all from my AU. there is very mild suggestive topics, but its just about spicy neck kisses. read at your own risk

hope you enjoy! :D

Imprinting

First of all, I thought I'd explain what the "imprinting" I mentioned in my post about Hanna and Lloyd's relationship stages breakdown means. Am I using a Twilight term? yes. only because I can't figure out a better word for it. plus i just like the way it fits.

Imprinting, for Lloyd, is similar to what happens in Twilight. For explanations sake, in Twilight it's explained Imprinting is when a werewolf forms a bond with a different person. In Twilight, there are no real limits on it. For example, Jake imprinted on Bella and Edwards daughter when she was an infant while Jake's alpha Sam imprinted with an adult.

Also in Twilight, imprinting doesn't really mean a romantic connection has to be present. Rather, just understanding the other on a deeper level. Or smth like that.

Imprinting is a trait present in both Oni and Dragons, its what connects the very different species. Of course, the species are different. Like Harmonizers, both Dragons and Oni also mate for life.

But unlike Harmonizers, Dragons and Oni can have a romantic or physical attraction to another being before meeting the person they will mate for life with. For Lloyd, this meant he had the genuine attraction romantically and physically to Harumi before even knowing Hanna existed.

Hanna, did not. She could think "hm, they're attractive" and go on dates, but she wouldn't have been able to connect with them because of the Soul Lock phenomenon. Lloyd can have that genuine connection with someone.

When Lloyd imprints, he is also, in a way, locking his Soul onto Hanna's. But, not in the same sense. For Lloyd, it is like he is instead giving Hanna a part of her soul in turn for a part of hers. It's like a trade. Also for Lloyd, imprinting is romantic. Its basically Lloyd saying "hey, im in love with you, ill give you my heart and part of my soul in turn for your heart and part of your soul to hold onto."

But, it takes specific things for Lloyd to imprint on someone, specific "boxes" have to be checked for it to happen. When I say boxes, I mean things that happen in Lloyd's unconscious, things he isn't actively aware of happening.

Back to Dragons and Oni, the instances of when they imprint are pretty different. Plus, what part of them is given/taken.

Dragons

They are a very loyal and emotionally available species, they are communicative and trusting with each other. The reason this species is so strong is because it relies on one another. Dragons are the definition of "it takes a village". This is because Dragons tend to live in bigger "packs" or families with around 15-25 dragons per pack.

For Dragons to imprint, the being they are interested in has to show loyalty through thick and thin. For example, if a dragon and it's partner had a fight, this box might be ticked if the partner returns or continues to support and be there for the dragon.

Dragons also have to see their partner become well incorporated with it's family or pack. As an example, if a partner is accepted and becomes beloved by the dragon's family/pack, then the box would be ticked.

When a Dragon Imprints, they give their heart to their partner and in turn, take the heart of their partner. Meaning, both are unable to feel romantic attraction to anyone else while Imprinted onto another. This phenomenon is called A Bond of Devotion. I'll talk more about it later.

This means, in the instance of a dragon's partner dying, their heart will return and they will keep their partners heart. The dragon can then choose to try and find a new mate if they wish to.

Oni

This species are very goal oriented and have a lot of things based on strength. Oni are also very honest creatures and protective. The reason this species is strong is because they understand one another on a strength level and an emotional level. They are able to do this because they coexist within much smaller groups, around 5-10 families(around 3-5 Oni) groups.

For Oni to imprint, the being they have interest in must show they can keep up with the Oni. For example, many Oni get this box checked by having sparing matches or tests of strength. If the partner is able to hold their own or even defeat the Oni, the box gets checked.

Another thing that has to happen is the Oni has to see their partner open up to them. Share the deepest parts of who they are, hopes, dreams, worst fears, greatest nightmares, etc. But, it has to go both ways. An Oni has to see the partner open up but the Oni must also be able to open up to the partner. If an Oni is able to see this in some way with their partner the box is getting checked.

Finally, the Oni must also see their partner trust in the Oni and be able to trust the partner. Not just with secrets and things, but with their emotions and with their physical well being. For example, if the Oni and it's partner were in a pickle and the Oni got harmed, the box would be checked if the partner comes to the aid of the Oni instead of running.

Oni, unlike dragons, are soul based. When an Oni imprints, they give part of their soul to their partner and take part of their partners soul. This creates a deeper than deep connection between the Oni and their partner. This phenomenon is called a Nexus. I'll talk more about it later.

If the partner dies, it leaves the Oni without part of their soul and makes them unable to imprint onto another person.

Because Lloyd is both Dragon and Oni, he experiences everything. The boxes his partners have to check before he imprints are based on: Loyalty, incorporation with family, strength, openness, and trust. He also has the thing with his heart, giving Hanna his and taking hers. Plus the giving her part of his soul and taking part of hers. But, since she's a Harmonizer, it works a bit differently.

Hanna for one, isn't able to feel romantic or physical attraction to anyone but Lloyd. Lloyd isn't able to feel romantic attraction to anyone but Hanna and has a hard time feeling physical attraction to anyone but her. He will also create A Bond of Devotion and a Nexus with Hanna.

Since her soul is already intertwined with Lloyd's because of the Soul Lock, the impacts of both the Bond of Devotion and the Nexus Lloyd creates with Hanna is that much more. But, what does that mean?

A Bond of Devotion

Usually existing between a dragon and the dragons partner, it is the technical term of what occurs when a dragon imprints. It is in a literal sense, the dragon taking the heart of the partner. This means the partner is unable to feel romantic attraction to anyone but the dragon. The same happens with the dragon, the partner takes their heart and prevents romantic attraction to anyone but the partner.

The effects of A Bond of Devotion are pretty cool. If focused on, either side of a relationship is able to feel what the other is feeling to a degree. For example, if the partner is feeling sad, the dragon can focus on the Bond to find out the partner is sad since they would feel sad.

The level of the main emotion the person peering through the Bond will get exposed to is about half of what the other is feeling. So if the partner is REALLY sad, say a 10/10 sad moment, the dragon would feel sadness on a 5/10 scale.

If the couple is separated for whatever reason, the Bond can have "flares" where the dragon side of the couple(unless it is between two dragons) will feel what the other is feeling quite strongly for brief minutes through the day. The longer they are separated, the worse these flares get until they die down.

The intensity and frequency of the flares also depends on the freshness of the Bond. If it is a fresh imprint, the dragon will have more flares and they will be stronger. But, they will die down and be less frequent but begin to vary in strength.

Once reunited, the Bond will flare but only in the sense of the dragon will feel an intense need to remain close to the partner since they feel anxiety when separated again until the Bond feels the couple has made up for lost time.

Nexus

A Nexus, for Oni, is the technical term for when an Oni imprints. It is also the name of the phenomenon where an Oni and their partner give one another part of their soul. This leads both sides to be unable to have romantic interest with another and makes it near impossible to feel physical attraction for anyone but the partner.

Like with a Bond of Devotion, the Nexus also leads to the couple having a deeper connection. This connection goes as deep as dreams. If specifically attempted for, an Oni and their partner can meet in the land of dreams because of their connection with one another's souls.

But, in order for this to happen, the other side has to be accepting of it. They will feel a kind of buzz almost in their nerves and that's how they can tell the Oni side is attempting to make connection through dreams. This is especially helpful for couples who have to separate since an Oni, if separated from their partner too long, begins to feel ill.

Since their soul is with their partner, an Oni will try it's best to always be near it's partner. But, if the couple has to separate, the Oni, over time, will begin to have flu like symptoms that get worse the longer the couple is separated. These symptoms can be negated with dream connections but like I said before, both sides have to be open to it.

If the couple is separated long enough, the symptoms will begin to subside but will flare up randomly and be more intense each time.

Like with dragons, once Oni reunite with whomever they are imprinted with, they will be glued to their side. Oni will be extra affectionate and will want to be within the same room as their partner for as long as it takes the Nexus to stop flaring.

Poor Lloyd has these things too and Hanna doesn't mind it at all. Lloyd's love language is physical touch anyways, so she doesn't think twice.

Again because of the Soul Lock on Hanna's part, she too can initiate dreams with Lloyd even though she isn't part Oni. It has the same parameters, Lloyd has to accept the dream in order for it to work.

Oni and Dragons also have different ways of 'marking their territory'. Both species are very proud when they have a special someone and thus have instinctual things they do to show off their partner. Lloyd, like everything else, does these things as well, often unconsciously until Hanna points it out and bullies him (lightly teases) him about it.

Dragons - They show off via smell. This is because dragons have a heightened sense of smell and they know everyone has a different scent. Thus, they do their best to make sure their partner smells like them and/or like their family. - They show off through gifts. Dragons like giving their partners different things they can wear. Actual dragons will make little gems for the other dragon to display. Lloyd does it through jewelry and things like that. - Finally, they show off through public display of affection or PDA. Dragons love to show off how they get to be physically close with their partner. Literal dragons do it through public cuddling or licking one another's snouts. Lloyd does it through holding Hanna's hand, hand around her waist, random hugs, and spontaneous kisses.

Oni - They show off via the feel of their power. Oni are able to sense one another through what their powers feel like. To show it off, they will often cautiously expose their partner to their powers through things like sparing or something like that. Lloyd does it through mingling his and Hanna's powers since they do that lol. - They show off through clothing. Oni have a specific way they dress, similar to how all the ninja wear GI. Oni will give their partner a piece of their outfit to wear like a shoulder pad or emblem or something like that. Lloyd does this through letting Hanna wear his clothes and making her GI sometimes identical to his but different colors. - Finally, Oni show off through literal markings. Oni will bite their partners and leave literal bite marks across their body to show that they are the other side of the Nexus, most marks appear on the neck. Lloyd does this through hickeys. That's it lol.

So yeahhhh. Basically, Hanna and Lloyd are two peas in a pod in how complicated their love lives are because of just straight up genetic factors neither can control.

i'll be posting some more headcanons for the ninja soon because i cannot get the pajama people out of my head. ofc it'll include Hanna.

send me asks about anything in this post and I'll answer the best I can, I love getting them!

[unabashegirl]

Nameless

DISCLAIMER: the rest of this one shot is available only on Patreon! SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON for only $3 USD and have access to exclusive one-shots and series!

masterlist

Word count: 2.2K

“We are assholes,” you said very bluntly as you entered his at-home studio. His head popped up from the stacked pages that held the possible lyrics for his next album. His eyebrows were knit together and his lips slightly parted. He wore big, framed glasses that made him irresistible. The optometrist had ordered them for him after you had shared that he held his phone too close to his face when reading texts.

“Christ, wha’ did we do?” He asked, clueless as to why you were making a big fuss. You had been going through so many changes not only physically, but emotionally too. You just prayed and thanked God that Harry was known for his never-ending patience.

“We haven’t told anyone” You through your body on the same couch that he was sitting just a few inches away from him. “At least not anyone close to us” You added, blocking, and throwing your phone on the cushion beside you. It was cold in the basement, so you threw on the first blanket you saw.

“S’not true. We told our parents” He scratched the beard that he had been growing since the tour had ended. “It’s too early anyway” He dropped the pencil and sat back. He was now clearly invested and entertained by the conversation.

“It’s been four months” You giggled at his awful sense of time. “We are almost halfway there”

“I think we should pull a whole Kardashian situation” He shrugged, as he shifted his body towards you and grabbed your ankle from under the blankets. Harry referred to how all the members of the Kardashian clan always hid their pregnancies until the child had been born.

“All of their friends always know that they're pregnant” You laughed as he ticked your foot after taking off the dinosaur-themed sock. You grabbed a pillow and chucked it at him but missed.

“I am trying to be a nice husband and give you a foot massage and not only you are insulting me but throwing pillows at me!” He gasped with a big smile threatening to give him away.

“Sorry. I love you” You smiled, nudging him gently with your foot, so he would continue.

“You are lucky that you are cute and that you are pregnant with my baby” he mumbled kissing the inside of your ankle before starting to massage the bottom of your foot. “I want to keep you both save and once it’s out there; I can't do much”.

You had been pregnant before. It had been before Love on Tour began. Unfortunately, you had lost the baby. The emotional pain had been unmeasurable. You cried every day and Harry isolated himself from the world. None of you spoke a word about it those first few weeks. That all ended when both of your mothers turned up at the front door. They dug both of you out of depression and pushed you to keep going.

“Just think how Jeff, James, Mitch, and Sarah are going to feel when they find out that we kept them in the dark because we didn’t trust them enough” You argued, “our friends deserve to know”.

“I guess you are right,” Harry said after a few minutes of silence, “But that’s it. We are still not telling the rest of the world until you give birth” it was a compromise and if you had learned something about being in a relationship for so long was to always find the middle ground.

“You got yourself a deal” You winked as he moved to the other foot. “We also must choose names” Harry groaned and threw his head back. “Just for a few minutes”. You had decided not to find out the sex of the baby until the birth which meant you needed at least two names. It always ended with both of you being over saturated and hating every single name in the books. It drove Harry nuts, but he also didn’t want to produce a weird name that made him stand out more. Neither of you wanted to give him an incredibly unique name. He or she was already going to have enough of being Harry Styles and Y/N Y/L/N daughter or son… CONTINUED ON PATREON

[love-hatred-stuff]

solo [sequel shot]

》 alright so I know it's starts off rough but this is for those who needed a happy end for my fic "solo"

Enjoy my babiesss :3 ♡

"Come on. Please tell me what I did wrong and I'll fix it."

"I'm wrong, James! I was wrong and that isn't your fault. I just don't wanna hang out anymore." A few tears slipped past your eyelids. You were devastated and you knew this day would come. You knew one day he'll find someone that's better than you. Not as broken as you. More useful as a partner in a relationship and not someone who ruins fucking everything.

You were truly heartbroken. But you tried to be happy for him and you were actually. It stung nonetheless, seeing him with another girl that seems to be so put together, so emotionally available. Complete opposite of you and you guess that's why it hurt even more. Him picking someone who is the exact opposite personality type of yours, not to mention someone who looks completely different from what you looked like. It underlined your deepest fear, him actually prefering everything that doesn't represent you.

The thought that had held you together for the past years had suddenly lost its meaning, the thought that he loved you more than anyone else, his promise to be always available for you, vanished, broken. You tried to understand, but it was more than just hard to comprehend.

"But why won't you tell me the reason!?" Bucky was crushed when he heard from you that you can't see each other anymore privately, that he had to forget about you and your close friendship. Because what you didn't know, was that he still loved you, he never stopped. He had never found someone better than you because for him someone like that doesn't even exist. Bucky only ever wanted you to be his, the person he's been in love with for the past two years, the one that he can't help but feel the need to take care of.

"I can't just say 'yeah okay, I won't bother you anymore' to my best friend of so many years I've lost count! You're not just a friend to me, y/n. You're everything I have. You're the only person that truly knows me." James wiped his mouth in desperation. He couldn't loose you. He'd stop breathing.

"Yeah, clearly not." You mumbled under your breath.

"What was that?" He didn't quite catch that.

"James, you know how I am. I'm selfish, manipulative and stubborn. I can't look at your face anymore. Not while knowing you're thinking of someone else while looking a me."

Buckys eyes widened. Only now realising what was going on.

"Why would I do that? I only ever think of you. My brain doesn't even know what to think of otherwise. Would you mind to explain what or who got you thinking this way?" He k ow demanded further explanation.

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I'm gonna head home." Was the only answer you gave him, taking your bag, ready to leave him the fuck alone with his new girl.

"I think the fuck not." Bucky walked in front of you, blocking your way.

Now it was your turn to be surprised. He never talked to you like this. He barely cursed.

"I really should though, I don't wanna take away your quality time with someone else." It may have sounded childish but you meant it. You didn't wanna take away his chance to find and enjoy love. You've done that enough the past years.

"What are you even talking about? I don't have anyone else to spend my time with, are you kidding me?" He was endlessly confused.

This was the last straw, now you were getting angry. He should stop acting like he wasn't meeting up with this girl that he met at a party. You were fucking there when they introduced each other. And you were convinced he had already slept with her. Though you wouldn't blame him, as she really was gorgeous, not only that, but she seemed genuine, too. A real catch.

"Are you kidding me?! James, stop acting like there's nothing between Anna and you! I know there is, I have eyes, you know. Besides, Steve always tells me how much you talk, not only with her but also about her. And knowing that makes me sick! I want you to be happy, and if that happiness doesn't require me, I'm fine with that, but I don't wanna watch you fall in love with her! I just can't, okay? So my decision is to avoid you two so I don't have to look at it any fucking longer, or else I'll go insane!" That's it. That's all you had to say. It was more than you intended to but at least you've got it out.

Bucky just stood there, completely baffled, speechless. He couldn't believe it.

You've tried to shove him out of your way, but he didn't budge.

"If you aren't gonna say anything, can I leave?" You groaned, feeling vulnerable now that he knew your heart.

"So you are telling me, you're jealous of Anna? Of someone who'll always be more interested in you than me?" Your heart began to race.

"Are you implying that she isn't into guys?" You wanted to make sure, not quite getting his point.

Bucky nodded calmly.

"Yeah, she's into you though." He replied.

"Oh my God!" You scoffed, embarrassed by yourself, looking anywhere except his eyes.

"I really thought you liked her. I thought you two were hooking up. I'm so sorry for misinterpreting this, James."

"Quit with the 'James'. You were jealous, weren't you?" He nudged you.

"I guess I was." You nodded shyly.

"Does that mean that- that you like me?" His cheeks getting rosy, you looked up at him.

"Of course I like you, dork!" You laughed, but he sighed.

"No I mean; really like me. As in you're in love me?" Bucky was unsure and scared asking this, but it was time to make this confession.

You looked away, your smile turning into something more vulnerable.

"I don't know? I just want you to myself. I want you to only take care of me, no one else. You're only boy I would let sleep in my bed next to me. And over all I guess I wouldn't mind being more than just a friend to you."

Bucky gently stroked your tear stained cheek, looking lovingly into your eyes.

"You've always been more than a friend to me Y/n. If you let me, I would like to call you my girlfriend and not just my best friend. Because hell, I fucking am in love with you!" He leaned in and let his lips softly touch yours for the first time. It was even better than he imagined it to be.

You two kissed for the following ten minutes without having to take a break. When he carefully let go of your lips to breath, he leaned his forehead against you and sighed once again, this time in utter happiness.

"So what do you say? Will you finally be mine?" His voice sweet and so full of love, just like the kiss you had shared.

"I don't know, what did you say? Anna likes me, yeah?" You joked, giggling into his chest.

He laughed along with you.

"Don't you dare." Bucky smiled, giving you another kiss.

He knew he wouldn't ever be able to get enough of the girl he was now finally allowed to call his.

[deus-sema]

The first time I read LoTR as a kid, right after watching the movies - when I had been newly introduced to fantasy - I had a very oversimplified perspective of the genre. For me, fantasy meant going on adventures with friends, fighting the bad guys, saving the world and living happily ever after. My childish self couldn't come to terms with endings where everyone went their separate ways and resumed their normal lives and used to retreat into headcanons where the adventure never ends.

Another time I reread the books, I was coming, to put it simply, from a bad place. I was angry at everyone around me and the world itself for several reasons. I needed an escape. At that time, I had a sour and pessimistic outlook and could be very, very irrational. So, I inadvertently ended up mentally projecting my frustrations on the story. I vented to myself about the futility of the Fellowship's quest. What are they even fighting for? The world they used to live in can never go back to the way it was even after Sauron is defeated. The Elves will still leave Middle Earth. The Entwives will still be gone. Magic will fade. Frodo, even after going through severe trials and torment, will not get to enjoy everlasting happiness in the Shire. Why couldn't anyone else take that damned ring to Mordor? What even is the point of it all? All those feelings were completely misplaced. Needless to say that angsty phase of my life, like all others that came before it, was just a passing one.

Quite recently, I decided to revisit the books once more. Currently, I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Life is filled with uncertainty. Whatever's going on in the world isn't making anything better for anyone. And the last thing I needed right now, on top of everything else, was a financial crisis. But here we are. I wish to quit and relax. Sometimes, I harbour escapist fantasies. I wish to just sleep without being woken up. I wish to run away somewhere and cut myself off from everyone. But neither is that possible nor appropriate.

Sometimes, I long for the past. It's not exactly specific things about the times gone by that makes me nostalgic but rather how I used to feel back then. At times, I miss the feeling of safety and comfort I had as a kid. I miss the naive person I used to be who had an idealistic view of the world. I miss those moments when I could afford to be carefree. Only if I had known better back then, I wouldn't have taken that time for granted.Still, the passage of time is all pervasive. Everyone and everything is powerless before it. All we can do is adapt to the changing circumstances and keep moving on.

Right now, all these characters inspire me. They are fighting to salvage what remains of their world and save it from further destruction. Even if not all of them will get to partake in its future. If they had the luxury of choosing a different path, they would've availed it. But all they have with them is the present and each must do all that's in their power to contribute. Especially Frodo.

Each of us must do our part in the world. What's meant to happen, will happen and we have no power over it. Tiresome as they might be, our responsibilities are ours to bear and carry out.

A wise old friend once said and I quote, 'The evil (of Sauron) cannot be wholly cured, nor made as if it had not been. But to such days we are doomed. Let us now go on with the journey we have begun!’

[kakujis]

ghost in the machine;

ft: bonten!mikey. pt 2 of this post.

warnings: afab!reader, pet names (baby, good girl), praise, reader is terrified of mikey LOL but warms up pretty fast, minor angst, pining, not implied kaku x reader, hes just mentioned cus i love him. 

wc: 2.2k

a/n:i couldn’t get this song out of my head after i heard it and i thought it fit bonten!mikey so well. he’s so sad. TnT. i really wanted to write pt 2 of mikey’s part also, so this is purrfect!! may be a bit ooc, but idc. soft bonten!mikey ftw!!! this almost stayed sfw but i am nothing but a wh*re. a one track mind. anyways. soft… this is so soft. please love hims. ):

mikey has seen it all before, how could he not, when he holds the world in his hands? when one single command could ruin someone’s life, could set destruction wherever he wanted. each day comes and goes, routine settling deep in his bones. there’s no spark behind his eyes, hollow and empty. but he’s pretty like a seashell, fragility hiding behind the dark shadow of himself. 

mikey didn’t think much when you were hired, wasn’t sure why he hired you anyway. but takeomi had insisted, have a pretty girl to take some of the burden off. but you ended up becoming less of his secretary and more of bonten’s secretary. and he found himself getting attached watching you flit around the headquarters like some maid. “ran, do you need help with that?” or “i’ll take the paperwork, don’t worry, kokonoi!” or “could someone please bring a warm tea up to mochi’s office?” 

you maneuvered your way into all of them, gentle touches and even gentler wordings ringing in their ears like a song. you were available, physically and maybe sometimes emotionally, but you stayed at arm’s length and mikey knew why. simply put, you were afraid. afraid of getting too close, afraid that you were disposable like the random grunts who pissed haru off. but you were especially afraid of mikey, all of them would kill or order someone to be killed without a single hesitation, but who did they bow down to? their king, who they all followed dutifully. high above the king reigned supreme, and who were you but a simple pawn? 

so you decided to drown in the work mikey gave you, heart hammering whenever he came too close. you needed this job, you needed to sustain yourself, you didn’t want to run back home, no you couldn’t run back home. even if you wanted to, you couldn’t put anyone you cared about in danger, not your parents nor your friends, knowing you stayed just a few feet away from the most dangerous men in Japan.

you had finished your work for today, finally done going through hours of mind-numbing paperwork. mikey had asked you to stay in late tonight and you had done just that, scrolling mindlessly on your phone waiting for your boss to come back. a means to distract yourself, since you loathed when it was just the two of you. that’s why you ran around the building like mad for other members that didn’t ignite your fight or flight. you hated the way your hands trembled when the door opened, automatically opening your texts with kakucho, not like he would come to your aid if you asked, never one to disobey his boss.

with the click of a lock, your stomach was flipping in waves, little alarm bells ringing through your brain and the grip on your phone became a little bit tighter. you could see him in your peripheral, the same expression as always, soulless, desolate, empty. sighing, he walked over to your desk, white locks falling by his eyes. there’s something on his mind as he reaches your desk, picking up some of your things, little trinkets you had gotten one day when ran mentioned how empty your desk was. he turns them in his hand, one by one, looking them over before setting them down. 

“s-so,” you start, cutting through the silence, voice already shaky. “what’d you need from me, boss?” your hands start to move, one smoothing over your thigh, the other clicking the lock screen button on your phone repeatedly. 

he doesn’t respond, instead sauntering to the couch and plopping down. he motions you over, two fingers up curled on his right hand, and you obey, slowly and shakily moving over. you sit opposite of him, trying to keep a good distance. if he’s upset by it, you can’t tell, dark eyes staring at you. 

“i’m lonely.” he states, eyes trailing over you. your heart pounds at what he could be inferring, there’s no way, right? he’s never made a move on you before, it’s always been strictly business, besides he’s had you make dozens of calls to satisfy his urges before. 

“oh! do you want me to make a call? i think, um, i think one of your girls should be free tonight, no?” you open your phone, contact: kakucho still visible on the top of your screen. are you alright? it reads, not realizing you had sent a text earlier, i’m scared. 

he’s fast, snatching the device from your hands and throwing it to the floor, theres a few clacks as it bounces away. “i don’t want em.” you’re trembling, chest heaving, as he’s the closest he’s ever been, leaning into you as you try to back away. your body reacts on its own, shrinking down into the plush cushions. you brace yourself, waiting for him to start grasping at your clothes, but he doesn’t. 

instead, one hand wraps around your wrist and gently tugs, “could.. you pretend you’re not scared of me? just for tonight?” his voice is so soft, whispery, and the hand around your wrist shakes lightly, like he’s the one who’s cornered.

you blink at him, there’s something in his eyes. something desperate and lonely, something that begs you to say yes. it melts away at your shaky core. just for tonight. you nod before adding, “i’ll try.” 

he moves closer still and you steady yourself, deep breaths to make sure you don’t flinch. “just pretend i’m kakucho or somethin’,” he mumbles, sinking his face into the crook of your neck. you blush, it’s not like you were into kakucho, he just made you feel comfortable. 

you’re still unsure what tonight will actually lead to, but you find yourself relaxing slightly in his arms. maybe it’s because you don’t have to do anything but stay there, in the embrace of a broken king.

“can i kiss you?” he asks, lips grazing your neck. 

“where?” you gulp, a hint of that cruddy feeling in your stomach, clammy hands fiddling with the fabric of his shirt. 

“here,” he breathes, pausing at your pulse-point. 

you mull it over, but just for a moment, before you mumble out a shaky, “okay.” 

he presses down and the kiss is soft, slow, and sweet. each time you anticipate that there will be something more, something harsh or heavy, there never is. every time he moves he asks again, “is it okay here?” and you say yes, over and over, as many times as he wants. 

eventually, your hands stop trembling with fear, but want. each time his lips hover over a new spot you find yourself breathing out a yes before he even asks. one of your absent minded hands card through the tresses of his hair, as he moves a hand to the top button of your dress shirt. 

“can i?” he asks, glancing up at you, a red tint on his cheeks. when you nod he seems to relax a bit as he slowly unbuttons your top revealing your bra underneath.

his hands ghost your exposed skin and you blush under his burning gaze. “you’re so beautiful.” his hands continue trailing, stopping at your waistband. “can-“ 

“yes,” you breathe, “you can.” it comes with an air of finality, the essence of letting go of your fear in return for what you desire. behind those cold, coal eyes, you think you see a spark, a dimly lit fire in the darkness of his soul. 

he’s a little bit faster, only slightly, wanting to relish in the way you’re under him as he slips the rest of your clothing off, slick cunt on display. you react to every touch, a whimper escaping your lips when he flits his fingers over your clit. 

he leans down, pressing his lips to yours. it’s tender, deep, and needy. he keeps kissing you as he slips one finger in, the gasp from your mouth allowing him to slip his tongue in. he inserts another, loving the way you arch up into him, messy tongues sliding over each other. he groans into you, feeling the way your needy cunt is already twitching on him, scissoring you open for later. 

“mikey..” you sigh in between kisses, drool running down the side of your mouth, “please,” grinding your hips into his hand. he pulls his hand out to undress himself and you whine, trying to find something to grind onto. he thinks you’re a greedy little thing, but it’s better than when you shy away from him, much better in fact. 

when he’s done, he hooks your legs up around his waist, giving his leaky cock a few pumps. he scans your face one more time as he lines up with your entrance, waiting to see if you’d tell him to stop. he would if you wanted him to, but you give no indication, instead watching his cock with pretty, wanting eyes. 

like before, he’s slow as he pushes in, the tightness of your pussy around his cock has his mind spinning. for you, it’s a little uncomfortable, the stretch being something you never get used to no matter who it is, but the gentleness and earlier prep has you melting into him. as he bottoms out, hips flush with yours, he presses his forehead to yours before leaning in for another kiss. 

he stills for a bit, eyes shut, savoring the feel of your wet, tight cunt. how long has he wanted you? if he thinks about it, probably since the day he met you. 

“mikey?” you ask, and he snaps his eyes open. you’re so pretty, he thinks, as even prettier words leave your mouth. “p-please fuck me already.” 

you mewl into him as he starts to move, steady rolls of his hips into yours sending jolts of pleasure throughout your body. he pants as he glances down, watching your greedy hole suck him in. 

“you feel so good,” he groans, “like you were fucking made for me.” using a particular harsh slam to punctuate his sentence.

your toes curl as the wet slap of skin reverberates throughout the room, before you’re putting your arms around him to tug him close, nails digging into his back. 

“you close, baby? gonna cum for me?” he murmurs into your ear, feeling you clench down on him. “you like that? you wanna be mine? want me to fill you up everyday, so everyone knows whose pussy this belongs to?”  he’s rambling now, eyes squeezed shut as your tight cunt continues to twitch on his cock. 

“yeah,” you babble back, his cock hitting your sweet spot over and over, “‘m wanna be yours, want you to fuck me everyday,” he’s so deep and fills you up so well, you can’t help but want this. “f-fuck, mikey, i’m cumming!” you gasp, clamping down and creaming all over him, body shaking as you whimper into his neck to ride out your high. 

“good girl,” he groans, “such a good job, baby.” it’s sort of dream-like for him, the way you moan and whine as he fucks you makes him want to keep going. but the continuous twitch of your walls has his hips stuttering out as he fills you up, hot white ropes of seed washing over your walls. he collapses on you, head buried in your neck, wrapping his arms snugly around you. 

its quiet as the two of you bask in the afterglow, save for the ring of your phone. you peek over and squeak, trying to move mikey off of you, “ah, it’s kakucho, he’s-“ 

mikey places a finger on your lips, brows knit with a pout on his face as he presses hard down on you to keep you in place. it’s foreign to see your boss look so childlike, but it’s pretty cute, your heart fluttering at the sight. “you didn’t pretend earlier, so you’re not allowed to mention him now.” he grumbles, and you tilt your head to the side wondering what he’s talking about. 

“just pretend i’m kakucho or somethin’”. 

“o-oh,” you stammer when the realization hits. “right.” you stare at the ceiling, wondering how you ended up in such a predicament, not too long ago you couldn’t even be within the same room as him without panicking. now, you’re in his arms, skin to skin with his seed inside you, your cheek resting on his head. you don’t notice the absentminded stroke of your hand on the small of his back. 

but mikey does and is once again struck by how someone as gentle as you wormed their way into the worst crime syndicate. he’s not sure if it’s love, but it’s probably something close. he’s like putty in your arms, unwilling and unable to pull out, even as you shift your legs to find a comfier position. 

“let me stay here,” he mumbles, drowsiness taking over his limbs. “just for tonight, you can hate me again tomorrow.” but you know it’s not just for tonight anymore. there will be tomorrow night or maybe it’ll be next week, but you know you’ll find yourself in his arms again.

“i never…” you mumble, frowning, you want to say you’ve never hated him. you were just afraid, but the words don’t come out stuck on your tongue. 

“don’t worry about it.” he yawns and you nod, it’s so different right now. you’re afraid to say anymore and ruin the atmosphere. 

mikey has seen it all, but he thinks that the view of you is the best he's seen. it’s quiet again and he stays on you, in you, as the gentle rise of your chest lulls him to sleep. 

[eva-cybele]

emotion word barf under the cut

sometimes I think about the very messy friend falling out I had last year and it still makes me so angry. april-october of last year were so hard -- my son got diagnosed with autism, his behavior continued to escalate to the point he was getting suspended all the time (in FIRST GRADE), so I was spending every single day on edge on whether I'd have to go get him and if he'd hurt someone else's child. my mother-in-law got fucking cancer. and then right in the middle of that, my brother-in-law came out as trans to his exceedingly religious family, and all of that placed my already stressed out (because of, you know, his son being autistic and his mom having cancer) husband directly in the middle of mediating everything. all of my energy was going towards all of that -- I didn't have anything left for anyone else.

and when I have a friend who needs CONSTANT reassurance, CONSTANT advice that she NEVER fucking takes -- yes, I am going to pull back when I don't have the goddamn spoons to deal with it. but instead of being like "hey are we good?" or better yet, assuming that I'm NOT an asshole, she spends literally six months compiling a google document of all the ways I hurt her, talking to every single one of my other friends about how she feels like I'm excluding her, and being completely passive-aggressive to me everytime I talk to her. so yes, I pulled back more.

and if once, ONCE, in that entire span of time, she had ever bothered to ask me how I was, or talk to me about her problems with me, I could have said "hey it's not you, I've just got a lot of shit going on right now" and the whole thing could have been avoided. but she didn't. she accused me of not caring about her, but she sure as fuck didn't care about me enough. she got so angry that I didn't include her enough in lore/story stuff in xiv when she didn't invite me to be part of her OC's lore, either. all the onus was on me, to comfort, to inquire about her problems, to be emotionally available when she was a depressed sad sack about things she refused to change about her life. and I gave her that, for months, for as long as I could. but she couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn't intentionally abandoning her, or the decency to tell me she had a problem instead of sulking. even at the end, she was trying to upset me to make me bring it up, because she was too scared to. aka STILL making me do her goddamn emotional labor.

she put the shitty capstone on some of the hardest months of my life, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[flippyspoon]

Unfathomable Emotionality

Note: TOS Spirk ficlet. I GOT YOUR FLUFF RIGHT HERE.

Jim read the memo again as an increasingly queasy feeling settled into his stomach.

Jim,

Subspace comm tomorrow at 1600. I need to talk to you due to concerning reports from crew regarding fraternization.

Best,

Bob

Bob was Admiral Robert Thorne. He had taught Jim at the academy and taken him under his wing. As a result, Jim had a comfortable relationship with the admiral, enough that they often gossiped about goings on in Starfleet.

But the memo was more than a little alarming.

This is it, Jim thought. They know about me and Spock and they’re putting the hammer down.

Jim worried about the memo for the rest of the day, and that evening as he shared dinner with Spock in his quarters–their routine habit since entering into a romantic relationship–Spock attempted to calm him down to no avail.

“The memo was not at all specific,” Spock pointed out. “It may concern other crew members.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Jim stabbed at his Pad Thai noodles. “Then what? They split us up? I can’t… Spock, I know it’s what other people do. But…”

Spock reached across the table and covered Jim’s hand with his own.

“I know, ashayam. It would not be acceptable to be parted. We may be able to convince them that allowing us to remain as we are is in their best interest.”

“Reports from crew, he said.” Jim shook his head. “Are we so blinded by our own happiness we can’t see that we’ve created a problem on the ship?”

“I might have seen the logic in a memo concerning our relationship,” Spock allowed. “But the way this memorandum is worded… I did not expect it.”

“It would be hard coming from Bob,” Jim said sadly. “Always liked Bob.”

The next day, Jim couldn’t help but sense a tension from the bridge crew, as if everyone knew what was coming. Uhura wore a tight smile and kept asking him how he was doing. Sulu wouldn’t quite look him in the eye. Chekov kept stifling a chuckle, which seemed hurtfully incongruous.

But Jim got through the day as he always did. Survey of an M-Class. Nothing of note really, outside some fungus growths that Spock took great interest in.

At 1600 hours Jim sat down in front of his comm screen and sighed heavily.

“Jim!” Bob seemed very cheerful when he popped up on screen and Jim didn’t know what to make of it. “How the hell are ya?”” “Uh…good. I think I’m…” Jim shrugged. If not for this anxiety-inducing meeting, he would have said he was happier than he could have imagined ever being. “Think I’m great? How are you?”

“Oh boy, busy as ever. One thing after another.” Bob looked away at a PADD, frowning. “What is this, what is this… Sorry, I’ve been in back to back meetings like this all day. If it isn’t one thing it’s- oh! Okay. Well, yes, I suppose you’re very happy.”

Bob folded his hands and fixed Jim with an unreadable expression.

Jim didn’t know how to interpret this.

Was this sarcasm?

He felt he had to take the whole thing dead serious and sat up straight in his seat. “I am, Bob. And…I just want you to know, whatever this is, I’m going to fight it. Spock and I both will. So give me your best shot.”

Bob’s mouth turned down and he blinked at Jim. “Gosh, Jim. Aggressive! Alright, uh… how does one month leave sound? It’s more than we usually give for this kind of thing. But, considering your performance, I don’t think anyone will mind.”

My performance.

Jim’s heart sank.

He had thought the Enterprise under his command had been doing some pretty incredible work.

Apparently, Starfleet did not agree. And rules were rules.

“Forced leave,” Jim murmured. “God, Bob. Won’t there be a hearing or something?”

Bob opened his mouth, closed it, and then it twisted rather comically. He scratched his head. “Forced leave? Jim, what the hell are you talking about? Don’t you want to take a honeymoon with Spock?”

“Ah…uh…um.” Jim stared at Bob. He heard his own heartbeat start to race almost painfully. “I’m sorry. Um. What the hell is happening?”

“I’m not sure?” Bob said, chuckling. “Jim, I’ve been corresponding with Spock for a while now and- oh God, how rude of me. My congratulations on your engagement. About time, I would say. Everybody on Starbase 1 is so happy for you. I think they threw a party in San Francisco when they heard the news hahah! Anywho, I got…boy oh boy, let’s see here…” Bob glanced at his PADD again. “Close to twenty communications from your crew demanding that you and Spock get a proper honeymoon, and some were even concerned there’d be trouble with the higher-ups, captain and XO getting hitched and all that. But you know as well as I do how loosey goosey the rules are, especially these days. I mean, ha! We can’t very well send you on a five-year mission and expect people not to end up in relationships! Now a captain and XO? Sure, it’s unusual. But we’re not looking to break what’s fixed. Jim? You okay? You look a little dazed. Were you not planning on a honeymoon? Of course, it’s up to you two. But I just assumed…”

Jim attempted to speak. “Ah…uh… You’ve been…” His voice came out about three octaves too high. He cleared his throat and tried again. “You’ve been corresponding with Spock?”

“Oh God.” Bob’s eyes went wide. “Oh my God. Oh, my wife is going to absolutely kill me. He didn’t ask yet, did he? Jim, he told me he was going to do it…” Bob typed on his PADD and gasped. “Oh no. Not for another week. Oh, Jim. I am so sorry. What a dunderhead.”

“He’s going to…” Jim thought he might be floating. “Spock is going to propose to me? Your memo… Bob, your memo said there were reports from the crew concerning fraternization-”

“Oooh. I worded that badly, didn’t I?”

Jim was due back to the bridge at the end of the meeting which culminated in a dozen apologies from Bob and assurances that he and Spock would get as much leave as they required if they did choose to honeymoon.

He rode the turbo-lift in a daze and didn’t realize that a few tears of pure joy had slid down his cheeks until he tasted the salt on his lips. He wiped them away, attempting to compose himself.

But as we walked out on the bridge, everyone was staring at him, and Spock’s expression darkened.

McCoy stood near the science station too, inexplicably. He coughed. “Everything okay, Captain?”

Bones raised two thumbs up, smiling with teeth.

McCoy knew?!

“Y-yes.” Jim looked to Spock, unable to keep his expression neutral. He physically could not stop grinning. “Everything is…very good. Excellent. I think?”

Uhura nudged Spock. “Just do it now, dummy!’ She hissed.

“Captain,” Spock said, neutral as ever. “May I speak to  you in your ready room for a moment?”

Everyone inhaled.

Sulu was audibly crying. 

“Of course. Mr. Spock, of course.”

“Hikaru, zamolchi!” Chekov whispered, punching Sulu’s shoulder.

In Kirks ready room, Spock gave nothing away. At least, initially.

“I had hoped Admiral Thorne’s memo was regarding an issue among the crew unknown to me. It was as ambiguous to me as it was to you, sir.”

“Spock?” Jim couldn’t stop himself. He rested his hands on Spock’s shoulders and brought him close. “I didn’t think… We never discussed it. Given the traditions among Vulcans, I thought… I just thought it wasn’t in the cards.”

“I planned it so carefully,” Spock said, frowning. “We already share a potentially powerful bond. I wanted to alert Starfleet to my plans, only to ensure an adequate period of leave. This would give us time to settle into our final bonded state as…” Spock swallowed.

“As a married couple?” Jim whispered.

“Yes, Jim.” Spock rested his hands on Jim’s hips. “That was my intention. As this is already quite out of the realm of Vulcan rites, I thought you might enjoy a traditional human ceremonial rite for our wedding. I requested McCoy’s assistance in the matter. How the others became aware of my plans, I cannot say. But logically, we can assume he is to blame. However, I imagine he will be your best man. So I suppose I cannot banish him from the wedding party.”

“Spock,” Jim said. “Yes?”

“You haven’t asked me yet.”

“Ah.” Spock’s brow furrowed, his mouth a tight line. “I…I had prepared an elegant presentation as to why a permanent union with me would be in your best interest-”

“I’m sure it was an hour long,” Jim said, nodding. He whispered in Spock’s ear, “Just say it, sweetheart.”

“Jim…I… “ Spock took a deep breath. “Will you marry me, t’hy’la?”

Jim kissed him and whispered against his lips, “Yes, I will.”

Jim wrapped him in a hug and felt how Spock could no longer disguise his emotion. He held Jim tightly, pressing his fingers to Jim’s psi points and whimpering when he got a glimpse of the explosion of joy within him. “Jim.”

“I love you, Spock,” Jim whispered, and kissed his ear. “What else could I have said?”

“I am…” Spock had to pause for a moment to gather himself. “I am gratified. Especially, as I have already alerted my mother. And I believe she has already contacted your mother.”

“Oh, boy.”

When they finally walked out on the bridge, the crew stared at them, clearly on the edge of their figurative seats.

“Vell?” Chekov threw up his hands. 

Kirk shrugged, all innocence, and looked to Spock who agreeably raised a guileless eyebrow. “Well, what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Jim,” Bones growled. “Captain, I swear to God, if you don’t put us out of our misery-”

“I already bought a dress!” Uhura said.

Kirk sat in his chair and cleared his throat, winking at Spock who headed straight to his station. “Course heading, Mr. Sulu?”

“Starbase Six as ordered, Captain,” Sulu said, mournfully. “Warp impulse two.”

“Very good. Thank you.” He smiled to himself and finally said, “Also, Mr. Spock and I are to be married so-”

Everyone screamed.

“We will advise as to the pending nuptials-”

“Utterly unfathomable emotionality,” Spock grumbled.

“Shut up, it’s beautiful!” Bones said, weeping on Spock’s shoulder.

[wildandmoody]

Just copying what i said on twitter

I h8 to be a debbie downer mj fan again but Victory Day is always bittersweet to me, and i think the older i get the more jaded I'll become about it, bc while Michael was rightfully found innocent the media and wh*te am*rica at large still all but got what they wanted out of the trial - to turn MJ's name into a laughing stock and tarnish his image.

I was very young when it all happened (7-8 yrs old in '05) but I do remember what it was like back then. The "jokes" and 1-sided reporting was horrible and unavoidable, every major media outlet so badly wanted him to go to prison, i even remember chants calling him slurs. This didn't completely go away even during the time of his passing bc it didn't happen that long after - just four years. No wonder Michael reportedly said that despite it all he still felt that he lost everything except for his family and fans. It hurts to know that he was gone just four years after this, not ever fully recovering from the ordeal physically, financially, emotionally.

I just hope that at some point he knew towards the end that he was loved unconditionally, supported unconditionally, and that his TRUE fans and very, very few TRUE friends always knew that he would never harm anyone. Given what's easily available online now (including actual, organized legal documents), including proof of no incriminating evidence from over -12 years- of thorough FBI investigation and 74 days of court examination (making him one of the most scrutinized men in US history), there's no excuse for anyone who truly wants to understand to not know this. #MichaelJacksonIsInnocent always & forever.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

sorry to message but i just wanted to yell because I saw a post and yOU’RE THE AUTHOR OF FALLOUT FROM THE FADE ???? oh my goodness it’s my favourite fic ive read it SO many times.

i left a comment on ao3 last night because i finished reading it again and i just genuinely hope one day you finish it (i understand you have much going on i am just greedy).

but yes thank you so much for creating it, fenris and hawke are everything to me and this fic is my canon no matter what happens in veilguard. 💜

hahaha HELLO yes that is indeed I... I guess i do owe a little bit of an explanation here since its been uh... like 4 years since I last updated, yeah :| But it still makes me so happy that even after so long people still enjoy my little pile of suffering and yearning!

I don't know how many people who used to follow it are still on tumblr (I think a lot of people i used to write with/who would comment have deleted their tumblrs and AO3 accounts in the intervening years alas) but i do I owe anyone remaining a little context I guess lol. Long story made short is like very shortly after my last update i got broken up with unexpectedly from my 4 year relationship, and went into a bit of a spiral about it. I didn't fully stop writing at this point (though I think nothing I wrote in that like... year or more ended up posted anywhere), but I did realize that when I went to work on my ongoing stuff I was in a place where I was like... only wanting to write about anger/losing relationships rather than healing ones. And that part of me wanted to change some of the things I had planned for the following parts and ending of Fallout From the Fade. And so I decided to take a step back from it for a while to see if I actually wanted to make those changes when I was less bitter or if I wanted to follow my original plan.

And that took me about a year, emotionally. However by then I had actually left my prior job (where I spent a lot of time hiking/camping in the wilderness of Utah with no internet, and I used that time for writing), and started graduate school courses. Aaaannnd grad school has been slowly eating my life since. I've only posted I think one other fanfic since then, and it was a very short prose-poem one shot. Another contributing factor was my gaming tech was too old to actually play Trespasser when it came out, and by the time I got a laptop that could handle it, I had to replay the whole game but I was working full time, etc... and i felt really disconnected from the DA fandom since I couldn't read all the new fic/understand all the lore deep dive posts/experience it with everyone else simultaneously. Oh yeah and I work a second job as a professional mermaid in varying degrees of intensity depending on the season/oportunties available haha.

All that being said. I actually have written more of FFtF in the last 2 years. But like I said in the other post I made kinda recently, the long gaps between my later updates (vs the ones I was doing way more regularly in 2016-2018) had me rethink the approach I was using to write and post it, which was a chapter at a time. It felt like stringing people along in kind of a mean way to dump a chapter and then vanish for another year, and I knew I couldn't promise consistency while doing a masters/PhD program. So I've been kind of fiddling away at it slowly still, both actual writing of following chapters, and some substantial firming up/drafting sections in my outline to get to the eventual ending and ensure it's more cohesive than a lot of my slapdash chapters. But! Idk! I do also def work slower without the fun of having an audience, and miss that. and I never actually asked of the people who are left and still wanna read more of it, if they'd rather just get a chapter every 6 months or so as I scrounge it out. If you are one of those people and have an opinion def let me know.

I will say, the imminent presence of Veilguard does have me more inspired and creative again, and some of that has been going to Fallout. Especially since I'm no longer watching the videos/gameplay bioware is putting out since they have SOOO many spoilers and I wanna go into the game at least semi blind, so my creative energy has to go towards my personal stuff rather than joining everyone else in speculation and hype now. I'm definitely not promising I will have it close to finished by October when Veilguard releases, because I'm still in grad school and the next months are busy for me in terms of mermaid work too, but I am hoping I can make some good chunks of progress between now and then. But then if I say that and can't follow through after all I also don't wanna let people down.

Anyway yeah, it's sort of a lot of conflicting thoughts. But I'm still rotating Hawke and Fenris and this fic in my mind even these years later... which for me is honestly pretty normal. I mean I have whole original novels/worldbuilding ideas/etc that I've worked on for 10-15 years in my own time haha, I've been writing fiction for fun since I was like 10, so I think I also just think of stories/writing across a bigger timeline than people who start writing with fanfiction (which is MUCH faster paced) than original fiction. The difference of course is no one sees my original stuff so there's no one to care if i take 2 years between chunks of progress. SO I guess what I am trying to say is, yes definitely it is not abandoned, I am plodding away at it bit by bit, I also hope I can finish it one day!!!! that is within this decade i hope! whether or not anyone else is left to read it but me haha