#i am going fucking bonkers i actually cant

[odetoastar]

im going insane about this actually

okay im sorry but just imagine being kageyama tobio. your parents are always working late, your sister quit volleyball years ago and now she's off being an adult and having a career, none of your teammates get why you care so much and the only guy who did, because he cared the same amount in the same way, graduated 2 years ago and also hated your guts. your peers have given you a cruel nickname just so they can reinforce how little they like or understand you, you dont have any friends, you have nothing but volleyball actually, your grandfather is dead and you are clinging to the promise he made you when you were a little kid because if you dont you might just go insane. you are so, so incredibly lonely.

and then, THEN, this scrawny 5 foot nothing kid stares you down outside the gymnasium bathrooms and promises to beat you, and he totally sucks at volleyball. like, he. is. terrible. but he can run, and he has good reflexes, he jumps so high he looks like he's flying, and most importantly he runs headfirst into a wall and then says 'we haven't lost yet' like its the most obvious thing in the world when his teammates ask him why he bothered. and you realise this kid is just like you, the same kind of fucked in the head you are. and youre furious, what the hell has this guy been doing for the past 3 years? your grandfather promised you that someone even better would come and find you are here he is, but you beat his team in less than an hour and you're pretty sure you'll never see him again, despite him promising to take you down, because never once in your life has anyone who was supposed to stick around actually do that. you're angry because you didn't have to be so painfully lonely all these years, you could've had someone who kept up with you, but he just wasn't there, because he sucks and you don't but he doesn't have to and that makes it so much worse than you just being a freak who was completely one of a kind.

and then you go back to your team, back to your last middle school tournament, and you play more games. only this time youre pissed. you know that there's someone else like you now, someone who will. not. stop until the ball has hit the floor and you don't get why your teammates won't just be better, try harder, move faster. and then they abandon you too. you thought you were alone before, but now you have absolutely nothing, not even volleyball. and you didn't get into the school your grandfather went to, and the coach you picked your back-up school for is in the hospital, and your plan for the next 3 years is to essentially bide your time until you get scouted into the v-league because you literally do not have anything left and you are doing everything your 15 years old and incredibly depressed self can because you refuse to let go of volleyball, no matter how lonely it makes you, no matter how much it hurts to cling on.

and then, AND THEN. that same scrawny dumbass from that 2-0 match in middle school is there and he still sucks and he's still the same kind of fucked in the head that you are and you won't give him one of your 'royal sets', not after what happened last time, you can't stop being lonely but you can at least try to not get abandoned again. and he says 'forget all that, i'll be here no matter what', and he spikes the damn set. he shuts his freaking eyes and he trusts you and you have just had the rug pulled out from underneath your damn feet because you understand, maybe better than anyone else, being ready to do whatever it takes to win but who the hell just fully puts their faith in someone else like that and maybe, just maybe, this kid was serious when he swore he'd get better and take you down.

he's invincible as long as youre there and so are you as long as you have him. you ask him if he's prepared to go all the way to the world stage to take you on, because you've never set your sights anywhere else, and he tells you he'll match you every step of the way. he picks up your crown, puts it right back on your head and proves to you that he refuses to leave you just like everyone else did, even at your worst. you tossed and he spiked and he said 'i'm here' and he is.

he is, and he never stops being here for you, chasing after you, making you chase after him, even when he's on the other damn side of the planet. and then 6 whole years after you first met him, first played him, first thought that maybe your grandfather would keep his promise to you, you get to play him again and you realise that he is your someone even better, always has been. actually, they all are. and you're not that lonely tyrant you used to be anymore, youre not that sad, abandoned kid hiding behind anger and obsession, you're doing the thing you love surrounded by people who love it in the same fucked in the head way that he and you do, and the man you love is there across the net from you, playing against you, and he's also there on the court next to you, playing with you, and either way he is here.

you got really, really good at volleyball, and somebody even better came and found you.

he's here.

[riacte]

so hey guys i finished dungeon meshi yesterday and i'm still thinking about it

[littlest-bugz]

Me, before going to the store: “Are we buying milk? We’re out.”

My dad: “nah, we dont have any money”

Me: “Its fine, I got it”

Meanwhile, my dad: *spending at least 70$ worth of guitar stuff he wont even use (because he plays guitar m ONCE A MONTH IF THAT).*

[puppmeo]

Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody

[dualitysdownfall]

im legally obligated to do a big dramatic sigh every time i remember that i have to get up early for school tomorrow

[bookdragon-shenanigans]

Second Signet Analysis: Distance Wielding

Welcome to the first in a long series of posts where I do a round up of all of the "Violet Second Signet" theories in hopes to provide a (hopefully) complete list of all possible ideas so when Onyx Storm releases you won't be clowned because at least you can say, "Hey! I saw a theory post on this once!". 🤡🤡🤡

So since RY dropped the bomb that violet’s second signet has manifested in IF, my brain has been going BONKERS racking up possible signets. I’ve currently settled down on one theory that I guess could be correct. (Idk honestly) (or at least that’s what I’d write if I was in RY’s place)

VERY BIG DISCLAIMER: Although I try to stay neutral, some things in this post is my personal opinion. You do not need to agree with them and neither am I asking you to.

Anyways with that over, let’s start the analysis.

FOURTH WING/IRON FLAME SPOILERS AHEAD

Obviously the starting post had to be distance wielding because duh.

What is Distance Wielding?

As the name suggests, Distance Wielding lets a rider travel large amounts of distance within a short period of time (I'm going to guess it's just teleporting but with a fancier name?). As RY herself states-

“Are you a distance wielder?” I’ve only read about two riders in all of history who could cross hundreds of miles in a single step. -Rebecca Yarros, Chapter 55, Iron Flame

Now, it is to be mentioned that it was one of the only elements/signets that were actually name dropped during the second signet conversation.

There are many hints that Violet might be a distance wielder:

Violet is often described as extremely quick

There is one scene in Iron Flame which could either be a genius hint or bad editing:

I jolt upright in bed, reaching for my throat and gulping lungful after lungful of air, but there’s no cut, no ache, and when I turn the mage light on with lesser magic and a twist of my hand, I see there’s no blood, either. “Of course there isn’t,” I whisper aloud, the raw sound cutting through the silence of my bedroom as the first hints of sunlight lighten the sky to purple beyond my window. “It’s just a fucking nightmare.” There’s nothing that can touch me here, Xaden asleep beside me. [Xaden isn't supposed to be in Aretia if my timeline is correct.]

 Distance wielding is a signet that “Hasn’t been seen in centuries”. Do you know who also hasn’t been seen in centuries? ANDARNA.

Andarna always says “I’ll be right where you need me” and if that isn’t suspicious then idk what is

My opinion (?):

I was thinking distance wielding for violet at one point too. But then this appeared:

(some parts of quote cut out because it’s irrelevant)

“What’s your signet?” Mom shouts, but I lack the strength to lift my head. “Hasn’t manifested,” Aaric answers in a panic. -Chapter 64, Iron Flame

Now, from a writer's point of view, why would RY mention this line if not for it to be relevant? Aaric has bonded a pretty powerful blue dragon and his signet hasn't manifested.

It adds up to Aaric’s personality too. He ran away from home and is still trying to get away from his father. He's spent the entirety of IF running away. So distance wielding is perfect for him seeing as it can let him travel extremely quick (aka amazing for fleeing)

Anyways, that is all for this one cause the brainstorm has become a brainfog and I cant legitimately think anything rn. Let me know if I missed anything (please 🥺🥺🥺) and other signet theories you have so I can make sure I didn't miss anything!

[icyfox17]

I saw 9-1-1 and then I saw psych and then I blacked out an followed you - jkjk that snippet looks AMAZING Buck and Shawn would synergize on a level unheard of it's such a big brained concept!!!

HAHHAHA YESS OMGGG i am always happy to find more ppl who are into 911!! and psych too LETS GOOO

THANK YOUUU THATS SO SWEET ILL CRY EUEUUE <333

i wrote that snippet so long ago and then got distracted but ive been getting back into psych and now i cant stop thinking about them aaaaaaa

BUT YES OMG shawn and buck have so many parallels it actually makes me go bonkers (gonna ramble under the cut)

they are just both goofy goobers

both are bisexual disasters

they both have a scene where they're angstily riding their motorcycle before crashing

both would hookup constantly before they found a job to give them a sense of purpose

GOD THEY BOTH. THEY BOTH HAVE FUCKED UP CHILDHOODS BUT IN LIKE OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS ARHGHRGH

both are attention seekers (in very different ways)

they both have ppl think theyre much dumber than they actually are (smart buck u are so special to me)

both are a fan of old rock (Shawn with Tears for Fears, Buck with Bruce Springsteen) CAN YOU IMAGINE A KARAOKE SCENE JKFDSKJ

there are more but omggkgkjgkj honestly i feel like. a big difference between them is just that Shawn had Gus growing up and Buck had Maddie

[velvetvexations]

a lot of my frustrations about trans discourse right now lie in the fact that we've created these categories dependent on people's psychological understanding of their gender, which i dont see as unimportant, especially on an interpersonal level. but to me it's just rlly obvious gender identity is not a good predictor of how someone is going to be treated socially or politically. i think the political consequences of being a certain gender r not going to be automatically assigned to someone when they identify as that gender, but as they begin to become that gender not just psychologically, but socially and biologically too.

but it's become increasingly difficult to talk about. to some ppl if i think that men (who dont know im trans) sexually harassing me is misogynistic then im misgendering myself. that is fucking bonkers to me.

i am genuinely very concerned about how we r going to protect this community if we cant even get real about the material circumstances that threaten us in the first place.

thoughts?

It's like I was saying the other day, transradfems believe gender identity is as solid and real as TERFs believe gender based on sex to be, which is just as incorrect. If you're a trans man, damn the details, you're a man, and if you're a trans woman transphobes will hate you the same way they would any cis woman rather than the men they perceive us to be.

It's...actually kinna pathetic? It feels like getting misgendered at school and deciding they just hate you because they're so jealous of what a great woman you are, except it's thirty year olds who think voting is a sucker's bet.

[neeksnicoboytoy]

PPARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT. bokuto shows up in the worst outfit you've ever seen but hes confident so really it doesnt matter (or does it) he claims he is bringing "The Drip" to the party. no one agrees with him except nishinoya which really is a bad sign when you think about him as a person. konoha threatens to burn his closet down when he's least expecting it and that man is SERIOUS. bokuto actually briefly feels a full body chill . EVERYTHING about he's wearing is neon and mismatched nishinoya fucks with it soooo hard hes actually kind of jealous!! i think bokuto would wear a snapback i'm sorry he cant dance either. but just like with his outfit he is so outrageously confident that it does not matter all that much (to him). at least SOMEONE'S representing the bad dancers on the floor am i right? ha ha. actually no take that man away this is hard to look at. tries to do the worm and fails miserably so he's probaly bruised all over the day after!! claims the bruises are battle scars even though they are bruises and not scars!! cmon now. he attempts the worm every party everyone is fed up with him. i feel like hinata WOULD be able to do the worm which really should not be the thing that gets you impressed about someone but bokuto LOVES it and he tries to get hinata to dance with him every chance he gets. he reaaally wants the aux but all his friends are not impressed with Pitbull and bokuto IS a crowd pleaser after all so he refrains.

akaashi trailing behind the crowd wearing something so normal you wouldnt look twice at it but it looks insane when you look at the scene -> neon lights confetti loud ass music etc etc. this man is in BUISNESS casual like he's about to attend a moderately dress code wise relaxed 9-5 office job. when you ask him about his choice of dress he just blinks and wanders off to talk about something pretentious like the musical arrangement in radiohead songs with daishou (who has managed to incorperate his "edge cutting" read edgy style in everything he's wearing so he's basically gone eboy. it looks horrific but kuroo thinks it's cool either way. not that he would admit that though) he's not entirely sure why he became friends with daishou seeing that he doesn't like daishou all that much but he supposes it is nice to talk shit with someone. bokuto thinks they match (they don't) and is very excited about this. akaashi is the weirdest fucker at the entire party besides maybe kageyama. he dances shockingly badly for someone that pretty but everyone loves him and knows he's kind of shy so they support him either way.

hinata has looked up cool teenage party outfit multiple times before going so he would look just right but in the end he figured he would just go for what's comfortable and ends up wearing sport shorts and a sweatshirt kageyama gave him. the important distinction between his athletic wear and bokuto's mess is that bokuto picked something athletic on purpose and hinata just doesn't have any other type of clothes someone help him please yachi is in constant disbelief and horror. he was so nervous that he almost puked before showing up but once he arrives at the party he realizes they are in Japan and thus no omnious solo red cup will be showing up like he assumed(guys there is no alchol involved dont WORRY they are MINORS) (besides tanaka i think. that guy is insane). after that he is in his ELEMENT and goes bonkers. he talks to everyone in the house and everyone not in the house and everyone likes him! fucks up the dancefloor. good for him. starts playing volleyball in the backyard with kageyama once he's had his fair share of the dance floor and promptly passes out in the midst of a set. kageyama would be very concerned but has at this point gained so much acceptance for the miracle that hinata is that he assumes hinata is Just like That so he sort of chills besides the stiff and unmoving body of his best friend for a while

other special mentions on this topic:

-oikawa is a really good dancer but everyone tells him he's bad to piss him off. he gets so mad at this that he trips

-iwaizumi shows up in a muscle tee and the party goes quiet for a bit. sexualities are reconsidered and self-discoveries are made. it's a really ugly and ratty shirt with godzilla on it but since the focus is not really on the shirt no one minds besides kentarou who is sort of torn between feeling betrayed and proud

-kageyama bonds with kenma. kenma is not willingly participating in this but kageyama doesn't really care. he's too busy getting his ass kicked n mario kart (plays as mario)

-tsukishima doesn't like parties but yamaguchi LOVES them and dresses up all cute for them. tsukki gets dragged along every time

-tendou absolutely fucking HATES!!!! popular music. he says it's too boring and also too mainstream to appeal to him so he starts bringing along his own speaker to parties . it always clashes horribly with the already playing, louder music and everyone BEGS him to turn it off but tendou is nothing if not persistent so he just turns the volume up. what a man. i respect the hustle

-ushiwaka, sakusa and kageyama passionately talk about volleyball together. akaashi joins in for a bit but then is lovingly (read: aggresively) pulled to the dancefloor by bokuto and the group gives up any kind of rescue mission once they've caught a glimpse of bokuto's biceps. sorry buddy you'll have to handle this by yourself i guess

-yaku starts doing pushups across the room to flirt with nishinoya. it works a bit too well because nishinoya sees it as a challenge and they end up doing pushups for a while. nishinoya loses btw

-i do think that they ^ kiss later

-suga and oikawa both dress cunty and real recognizes real so they exchange numbers. i do think oikawa would piss suga off to no end but for a while he (suga) manages to ignore that. once the party is over they never talk anyone

-tanaka gets a new haircut impulsively. he and nishinoya march out of the bathroom and all of sudden he's blonde. no one really knows what to do with it but tsukishima despises that they're both blond now. the other blondes are seriously impressed and accept him into their group

[delphientropy]

please read our DNI before interacting. thank you!

actually, i honestly wanted to talk about our innerworld and system functions in general for a while. so im gonna talk about my system experiences for once i guess

for as long as we realized we were a system (which must have been around a year or less now) we always doubted ourself because our system was just... weird. thats why i never talked about it. i was very afraid of being fakeclaimed.

we do split from stress and trauma, and some of us do have jobs, but oddly, so many of us dont have any jobs at all. it seems like i, the host, do almost everything and am the sole provider of the system, and if i went dormant, everything would probably just collapse.

our innerworld is SO fucking weird. we have no idea whwere our dormant alters go- or most alters, really, because not that many alters have any access or memory of any innerworld. the sections in the innerworld are categorized by source (oddly, source plays a huge part in our system functioning for whatever reason), and even then its all so fuzzy and messy and off.

it all looks like the incomplete worldbuilding of a kid. loopholes, unanswered questions, random splits and no roles, nothing is organized and everything is chaos- bad memory, basically only one alter is doing everything ever and hes fucking stressing out (and nothing we can do about it because he cant voluntarily leave), random islands in fucking space— what about the oxygen? it really just screams made up fantasy world some child made. like our entire system is run by some small imaginative kid whos obsession for fiction and fantasy and chaos and yet also control while being disorganized.

ive been told many times that our coping mechanism is to avoid. forget. distract. comfort. thats why we have a MILLION fictives. its like a machine in the back of our mind, always humming, always making more fragments that act like characters we know and find comfort in. nah they dont have a role theyre just. there. it doesn't make sense. theres no gatekeepers, rarely protectors, just fictives. fictives with no roles just fictives and fictives and more fictives. one day itll work. every problem will go away if we just make more fictives, the machine whispers. if we just have more comfort, all of it.

i guess it all ties into our kind of trauma and our other disorders which cause chaos and disarray. everything is unexplained. the random pain. dormancy. the entire innerworld itself. its seems complex and structured on the outside, and it sure is creative, but theres no structure. its a kid throwing multiple concepts together to make a really dumb world and a dumb story with it.

if i could make it organized and make it function, i would, but i can barely see it. i cant make up shit and suddenly our brain functions normally. i cant pretend like our innerworld doesnt have patches and holes and never answered questions. i cant trust anything and suddenly it all works. thats why i dont like a lot of the advice im given. "just trust that your alters wont fuck it up and youll switch more!" i do trust them. there are some i trust with my entire being. but i just cant switch. it wont let me leave. im that inner childs favorite character, favorite doll, that needs to be out of the toybox at all times.

im so scared to try and get diagnosed or just any kind of help. because im sure i sound absolutely bonkers when you read all of this. but its a frustratingly bad functioning system. and currently, the only option i have is to just stay in front and do everything. i initially thought i had PDID for this reason, actually. im like the ""main alter"" but i certainly dont have any control over our world. i dont know what to do. and with how therapists keep abandoning me, i wish i could just heal and figure it out by myself. but i cant.

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

legend of ruby sunday let's gooo

TWO SHADES OF RED

ruby is so overhwelmed bless her lol

hOWS YOUR UNCLE. YOU SEXY BITCH SDKLFJ HOW YOU THINK!!!!??

they are making unit too quirky for them not to become a spin off lol

15 WILL flirt with your staff kate and you WILL endure it

screaming the clip was just the first clip. whats gonna happen

"Even I got that" SDKJ THE META

IS THAT SIGNIFICANT"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ya'll are so self-conceited. millions of people are called susana. / i say this while vibrating at the rate of a neutrino star

"susan IS the name of my grandaughter" NOT WAS. IS !!!!

"we'll get him" is that a musk ref. rtd, musk is not a genius lol

"but what for" asking the tough questions

(also regeneration as a disguise…. what a good idea)

JUST DONT GO CHANGING YOURS OOK

"cant we just pipe in a bit of applause " the meta……..

mel pulling a 73!yards ruby

"we have another mystery woman" "ruby sundayyyyyyyyyyy" "you could've warned me" wtf i love tem. i love this. absolute bonkers vibes for a finale. (the horrors will start at any second)

ruby/rose flirting…….. ?? :eyes emoji:

doctor who wasMEANT to have a bunch of middle aged / old

women characters

stsly i love this energy "I love devina" amazing.

"you love to break the rules" she knows her uncle so well

WE CAN SHARPEN THE IMAGE. ENHANCE!!!

im enjoying how the fantasy / scifi plot mystery is tied to this very real personal thing for ruby.

ruby rose holding hands………………. im seeing.

"they never give me proper work" gee i wonder why rose!!! you think your mom wants you out there doing torchwood style suicide missions. cmon.

"he was a postman. she was a dinner lady" hmm

MEL IN HER LIL' ORANGE SCOOTER. OBSESSED!!!!!!!!

CARLA ON ACTION!!!!!!!!! GO GO GO

go get miss flood??????? A???????????

IM ALWAYS HIDING MYSELF AWAY

dont leave it to her oh my god. rip cherry.

(btw god bless. the hallway crack from the christmas special is still there lol)

ms flood nailing the old relative backhanded compliment

IT'S ABOUT TIME I CAUSE TROUBLE FOR MYSELF

HE WAITS NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT QUITE. NOT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im vibrating so much

oof this is so good. this is so TRUE. "you need roots of your own not a senile old man" updated to "i bring disaster"" aggg

15 is so healthy guys. so healthy

"what if you just said hello to her face?" i cant believe this is happening ya'll. russel really said "the five doctors was BULLSHIT. im gonna fix-it fix this shit" and went and did it. icon

ill have some of that <3 !!!! (lol thats right kate. he'll never trust u like them!!! deal with it)

a phoenix is just a bird until it burns… awesome. what the fuck does that mean

thats right stammer. you're barred from unit. motherfucker 15 is so rude. love him

MANCHESTER MOMENT

MASSIVE INFORMATION FROM THE VHS. I LOVE THIS ABSOLUTE NONESENSE.

ooo the music did a little thing. hold on to your butts babes we about to get DRAMA

unit has better toys. but are they competentent? LOL

clara and the leaf energy tbh (complimentary)

(oh is ruby susan's daughter therefore 15' daughter????) love the snow thing tbh . rtd was like im about to give dw fanartists an easy motif to add to their art for years. thanks king "time has tides and hollows and secrets"

(this transition effect………. very pertwee era intro….. :eyes emoji:) memory is time!!!!

"you cant move" omg impossible mission moment. fathers day moment. 15/ruby dont know how to step moment!!!!!!!!!!!

this is rtd's thought process lol "time … memory… ah shit.. MEMORY TIME MACHINE THERE WE GO"

damn carla and ruby got me here.

"my memory of this keeps changing"

rip chipzode probably

T.T rubes

what the actual fuclk

Close the window!!!!

when is that thing, inspector spacetime???????

it's the beast!! (carla dont name the undefined thing on the "everything becomes what you name it season" o h my gOD)

I AM IN HELL

im loving the coloring/lighting in this episode. everyone looks very sharp and nice

"i bring disaster" hehe

finally some good fucking [kate vs doctor antagonism]

15 frustrated because he finally has to come back from buying the cigarattes/ bread

"FINISHED? STOP GRIZZLING AND FIX IT". mel!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats

mel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you mel!!!!!!!!!!!!

rtd said im gonna write a season that is SO self referential. thank u

for writting this show for the weirdos only. (We might run out of disney money tomorrow but TODAY we relish)

brigadier picture!!!

missing episodes restoration commentary? lol (if i was rtd i would have named harriet ms. bachel color)

"i'd remember a handsome chap like you" um. let's no go there!!! thanks

i told u doc u absolute anxious nerd. there's millions of susans!!! (not convinced this isnt anything yet)

the music is doing things

"being an ambulance?" mel u have always been in doccy who. catch up!!!

reverse the polarity of the VHS

(ALSO very 00's/90's "therre's something hiding in the music if u play it backwards Zeitgeist ("Blink"'s dvd easter egg realness))

donna this is all ebcause you had to go and spill that damn coffee. chodizee's blood is on YOUR hands

leave the tardis alone… "then they get wise, and they try to destroy it"

"thank you, and i love you, and good bye" aaaaaaaaa

our tecnology spreads lies and fraud!!! im gonna count that as aBINGO. taking my prize in cash beebs. thank!!!

"you do not question, you move" ummmmm

master? rogue? valeyyard? rassilon? omega? suttek? omega??? rani?? ???

harriet arbingers. rip.

A DREAM OF A WORLD WITH ORANGE SKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol love this. going over the theories

THE MARA MENTION!!! TEGAN NATIO N WE R I S E

suketh!!!!!! well there it is lol (damn wish i had rewatch Pyramids so i could be more excited about this dklfjsdklfjdskldfs) (also def saw ppl on reddit calling that "second anagram" ou t sdklfjsd)

"did you think i was family, doctor?" rude.

CONCLUSIONS!!!

tbh this had a looooot of good character moments but i think it was mostly a "putting the chessboard pieces in place" episode. still tho damn, those characters moments. highlighting carla/ruby giving me emotions, sutekh/doctor taunting, doctor/kate antagonism MY BELOVED, ruby/rose (best ship name?????), doctor/mel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being everything!!!!, doctor finally dealing with the susan of it all!!!! (ilu for this rtd). doctor/ruby being super cute and queer before experiencing THE HORRORS, idk how i feel about the reveal since tbh i didnt care much for that serial sdlfkjsdfds but hey. anyway excited for next week. tv show reveal def coming for the second-act-reversal !!!!!/is a hopeless case ALSO enjoyed the filming of this as well (snow! vhs effect!!!) and this is def the most interesting UNIT has ever been lol

[shameboree]

i am actually going to whine about this publicly

my recent Poisoning Adventure was bc my psych NP (baseline can't be trusted) overdosed me on a new med I never shouldve been on and it caused pretty severe acute extrapyramidal effects (hella muscle spasms, uncontrollable jerking/movements, felt like i was in a fuckin dbz gravity chamber) and METABOLIC ENCEPHALOPATHY!! i couldnt control my body and even tho i knew who i was when it was where i was and why i was there i was also on a completely different realm of existence and it was like, Terrifying Actually!! so even tho im off that med and antidoted and not at risk anymore every time i have any kind of nerve tingling anywhere i start Freaking The Fuck Out. this shit was FOR REAL worse and more harrowing than literally any part of having cancer including the parts where i almost died. was more frightening than having meningitis bc at least i wasnt totally fuckin zooted outta my mind!! ur bitch needs Therapy. wowie!!

anyway ive been struggling w orthostatic hypotension for a hot minute (largely dehydration imo) so i got that rush u get when ur bp tanks and just started cryin like a little bitch babby on account of the Fears. Despite being super tired I am afraid to sleep bc the first bout of extrapyramidal symptoms woke my ass from DEAD SLUMBER

I used to love NPs but nowadays NP schools are clownhouse jokester diploma mills and due to scope creep ushered forth by the capitalist disneyfication of healthcare theyre allowed to practice WAY THE FUCK completely outta bounds. it isnt safe!! chikadee was makin nonstop bonkers med choices for me including putting me on the vers of a medication not even meant to to treat what we were trying to treat and also the correct version had limited success in.. the pediatric population?? babe what?? had to get my pcp involved on that one.

i had issues w nps before on account of all the probs w education and safety (theyre not even required to have 5 minutes of bedside experience outside of clinicals which ultimately are glorified techwork and useless in terms of Actual Nursing Practice (i do think having clinical experience IS Essential and beneficial tho)) but this trash ass dumbshit idiot gave me FRESH TRAUMAS i did NOT need so i have gone from a nonenthusiast to a full on hater. listen we did not go to med school we went to nursing school we should stay in our fucking lane. christ alive!!!!!

i cant fuckin believe this single experience was more traumatizing than actual months of chemotherapy

ALSO I GOT DENIED MEDICAL LEAVE?? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!

[intertexts-moving]

YOUR TAAAAGS YOUR TAGS YOUR TAGS YOUR TAGS. ok. off is kind of hit or miss for most people because its so weird and vague and i am extremely biased bc its one of my favorite thinfs ever BUT. i am going 2 say i think u will love it actually. its got soooo many fairytaleisms. its got tragedy. its got extremely morally grey characters. theres no good guys or bad guys. ITS GOT WEIRD LITTLE GHOSTS !!!!!! look at these bitches i used 2 doodle the off spectres in my notebooks like constantly they feel like home 2 me

the art style is so unsettling and creepy. its got sketchy lines and weird freak of nature characters. i am going to be EXTREMELY selfish here in saying that i think u will very much enjoy the art style and also i want 2 see how u would draw some of the characters bc ur style is very monochrome and messy (<< i mean this in a beloved sense i love your linework so much) and i think it fits the vibe so perfectly. on a completely unrelated note are you still taking commissions.

ITS GOT ONE OF THE ALL TIME BEST OSTS EVER BTW. i still have the main battle theme (which is called pepper steak btw. best name for a song ever) as my ringtone on my phone. my video game ost rank goes 1.portal 2 2. off 3. undertale 4. minecraft. the off ost holds higher regard in my brain than undertale. shaking your shoulders it fits the vibe of the game soooo perfectly.

i will not get into the story too much here bc i already talked about some vague spoilery stuff in that post and i dont want to tell u too much more in case u do play the game urself BUT. ohhh my god. i could talk about the story for hours. u can ask aster after we finished the game we sat on call for like 2 hours while i walked her through my personal take on the ending and then she gave me her thoughts on the ending and EVEN THOUGH WE PLAYED THE GAME TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME (i streamed it for her) WE HAD DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON THE END. ITS SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD its one of those things where like. its so open ended that nobody ever gets into fights about what the "right ending" is because. well. there isnt one UGH i love that shit.

also zacharie is here. he is such a beloved character to me hes been one of my biggest huge comfort characters since like. 2015. i love him. hes like sans undertale for people in 2008. he was the original sans undertale. i think they would be best friends

oh also despite the fact that the setting is very much like. weird abstract, sort of fantasy sort of industrial, the main character is a fucking baseball player. hes so out of place its so funny

^ official art btw. to give u a taste of mortis ghost's art style. its so silly and weird i love it so much

OK THAT WAS MY OFF PROPAGANDA SORRY FOR INVADING UR INBOX I LOVE YOU also ive been in a huge off mood for like 3 days now and have not been able to talk about it so im EXPLODING now

OHHHHGHGHGHGHHH. MACKERELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MAC U CAN'T DO THIS TO ME..... ohhhh my god. ok. ok yeah im pinky promising u right now i WILL play it. like. SOON. it looks so good hooly shit. game that i can TELL will rearrange my brain. also it looks SO nice... i like the art style so much. mac u are GETTING me here u KNOW what u are doing. u cant just go ros theres an unsettling morally gray tragic game with an incredible ost and weird art and NOT expect me to go fucking bonkers.

[tungle-scant-sequels]

rewatching mandalorian with @ravioliofthesea and i wrote an actual essay-sized bulleted list (with his contributions) about how That One Scene in s2ep7 makes me bonkers in discord messages. i am importing it here. spoilers for aforementioned episode below

mando is in a position of extreme vulnerability. the only people with him are a shitty criminal that tried to put him in prison once, and a fuckingf imperial warlord. the criminal is helping out here

because of point 1, mando's body movement is limited. he's not used to emoting this much, so he holds his body stiff and rigid. he looks down at the table and barely moves his face, only glancing at people frmo the corner of his eye. when he's approached by that one guy he is frozen. this is a contrast to his usual helmet body language, where he cant really make small, subtle movements in his armor. his helmet keeps him from having peripheral vision, so he can't really corner glance people either. the discomfort in this scene is so visceral god

when first approached by the guy he stares straight at him like a deer in headlights. the dude is frozen

also the fucking harsh light?? in his face?? the light is coming from the window, lighting the side of his face that the warlord is looking. it's like he's in a fucking spotlight, which is how he probably feels right now. the side that mayfeld is on is in shadow (mando feels slightly safer with him)

mayfeld is very respectful of mando. a lot of this is subtle body language, but when mando gets confronted by the warlord guy he awkwardly and very bluntly pulls in to save him. also after shooting the guy mayfeld immediately hands him the helmet and looks away when he puts it on, then assures him that itll be private. he also avoids making eye contact with him

(from @ravioliofthesea) the helmet is mando's sense of security. it's how he's able to stay calm, but this is unusual state of complete vulnerability. mando looks to the table, then to mayfeld for security after the warlord says something especially shitty, and immediately looks him full in the face after mayfeld shoots him and it's clear they're in danger. this is where mayfeld responds by handing him his helmet after mando glances at him mayfeld immediately looks down to avoid eye contact

mayfeld is probably the best character to talk to the empire guy. he doesn't really care about personal honor, he is extremely survival oriented. the empire guy tried to appeal to him with morals and personal honor and greater good bullshit. if it was mando or anyone else, they would have questioned him or tried to debate him. mayfeld recognizes most of all that being a war hero doesn't fucking help anyone if they're dead. he also recognizes that the civilians they fought in his war were also trying to fight for their own survival

the transition from cold to hot anger in this scene is VERY. very good. mayfeld is able to contain it for most of the scene but the scene slowly gets tenser and tenser. you can tell he is ABSOLUTELY seething mad and it is SO satisfying to tell him that what's dead is dead. then he shoots him and then everyone else. one can guess that he's in a state of extreme anger (dead cohort) and panic (in danger). it's Go Man Go

combination of the past two points: it's such a mayfeld thing to do to just fucking shoot him. the guy cant be debated with he's off his rocker and also a military official🤢

he also deserved to be the one initiating the fight. fuck that guy

yeah the message here (fuckign. shoot the guy) is pretty blunt. i love it

this is also probably where he got his nihilism in the first place. did he have ideals? who fucking cares anymore man his entire cohort fucking died

the thing about what mayfeld said about still rules broken in harsh circumstances turned out to be true lol. as said above this is coming frmo a pretty survival-oriented person in the first place

in short the acting in this scene is VERY good and also military leaders who are Like that have it on sight

[xaninmyblunt]

I’m sitting in class first day… i notice that I’m surrounded by girls most of them on my side of the class and i feel happy about that. I don’t want them only one catches my eyes fucking obsessed already r.i.p. funny thing is I remember scrolling on facebook one day sliding in girls dm like a chump . Ps i feel very uncomfortable but i like that feeling it makes me feel alive . Anyways I’m texting girls left and right delivered no text i come across a girls page she is pretty and i thought to myself damn i don’t want to say anything stupid just in case i see her and speak of satan she is right here in my class sitting next to me…what the fuck !!!! I remember what she wore that day pink checkered shirt w a pink skirt oh well. I am obsessed :3 lol

We became friends or a variant of it i felt close but not close enough i loved to make her laugh i found out she had a boyfriend sucked dick so fucking much kinda hurt especially when i found out it was a dickwad. She was supposed to be mine fucking fuck fuck. Soo that day after school i took shrooms blasted off . Seen things played games. Then after sold my soul in the bathroom fell asleep for two seconds. Woke up naked and everything was normal thats what i thought but selling ur soul is uhm a big deal and big mistake but fuck it u only live twice.!

I feel like i was put into another dimension same people but created by satan a sandbox if u will where the devil is the admin and controls the works and my involvement in it. Even if i think I’m controlling it I’m clearly not . Anyways i kinda lost my mind a week in i had dreams of being killed mee killing people i could smoke weed anymore my favorite drug stripped from me oh well.

Anyways i started to hear voices and see things that were not fucking there definitely not my fucking consciousness’s.. the clouds look like demons faces and the outlines of the bark on trees looked like demonic faces . When i would try to smoke weed it felt like someone had turned on a heater at full blast my ass legs shins testicals would burn i couldn’t sit still in class i would go to the bathroom and just go insane absolutely bonkers. I love rapping and when i rap its about killing people doesn’t bother me that much but if i think ab it too much i kinda get worried i might do some of the things i rap about.

For some odd reason during lunch i went to the auditorium and decided to play on the fuckingg piano lmao like i know how to play that old thing i sat down and started playing it in the empty audience silence. I decided i was going to play music for the dead the souls of those who sold theirs just like i did. Wouldn’t u believe it me playing the piano actually sounded amazing i was astonished by the fact i could even play an unearned skill that i probably shouldn’t have cool i felt like some anime character. A month in i had pretty much distanced my self from most of my classmates i was just going insane the voices and seeing things was just to much for me to sit still. Fucking horrible. I felt like everyone knew what i had done bc they are in a sand box i helped create

Oh im so fucked this thinking has got to go.

By the way this is all based off a true story

Im slowly drifting off into dreaming and then im falling i cant even feel my bed anymore im falling up down but i dont feel like im being ragdolled its unimaginably smoothe how im falling but its also fast paced and so dark i cant see anything im scared my mom wakes me up…thank you

[youhavetokeepmovingforward]

Letssss break it downnnn

I don’t love myself…there for I…

Love someone who does not love and can’t walk away because I am no strong enough…there for I…

Continue to damage and hurt my own being which creates unwanted and unnecessary bullshit get in my way of progressing my mental health and ruining all the work I have done up until now…there for i…

Need to find a solution and act on said solution instead of just continuing to “progress” in what bullshit my mental mind fuck of a brain thinks are “good ideas”, in all actuality I know what exactly what I’m doing and I’m choosing sht in my hurt when I could just walk away but I choose not to there for i…

Don’t why I do it because I don’t like myself and think I don’t deserve better so I settle for whatever I think makes me feel the best or because I actually fell in love someone and now I don’t know how to let go…there for I…

I don’t know what to do…keep going to therapy cause maybe it still actually helps when I go for different reasons now..or do I just go because it’s just that comfortable..is it even really helping me I mean I know it helps me she saved my life I wouldn’t be here without her but I just feel like our sessions are mostly gossip sessions of me just telling you about my life and you telling me to do things that im just not doing..there for i..

i want to figure out why i feel like that..ahh idk i fucking forgot..

What do I do do these things?! How do I make myself do them?! I don’t understand

idk how or why i constantly just do things i know arent good for me? why cant i stop? why can’t i understand my own self idk

Damn man I really almost had a breakthrough and that shit fucked me up but damn idk typos or what I’m just putting this out there … there for i…

I didn’t write a lot of what I thought about as putdowns for myself and speak a lot of negativity upon myself but I won’t do that or maybe I should I just don’t understand why I continue to hurt myself?! When I do truly want good things?! Did the depression really fuck with me that deep and hard that I just really don’t have that main core care for my own damn self?! Did the depression really fry me like some fucking freeze dried potatoes?! Okay that last line was stupid asf..there for I..

Change the subject back to…me wanting to not fucking hate myself so I can actually do things and be with people who don’t make me so fucking sad because they don’t want to spend time with me but claim they care and want to be with me..but don’t show no action or proof behind that?! I got so low from the beginning thinking about not being with him i should’ve known then to let that take and leave it be instead of continuing to hurt myself by the person I care about?! Whattt, that’s so backwards what’s wrong with me that I continue in this?! Really?! because I’m “in love” ? is this even what that really is? Yooo I’m finna post this shit before I go fucking bonkers..there for I…

Am going to add to this..and say that he did express deep and emotional feeling and care for me and could see a future/loving me..I could see in his face, his eyes, his demeanor, his posture, his hand movements, he was physically struggling to express how he felt..I saw that as him opening up and being vulnerable with me knowing I’m a safe space/place for him and his feelings..idk maybe people can really put on a show…maybe I feel too deeply and I’m love blinded maybe he does feel strongly about me as he expressed I don’t know but I just can’t help but find out and it brings me so low to where I don’t understand why I do it to myself..? What did he say..I think what you are is a diamond in the rough and said I can’t pass this up, I can’t pass you up…oyyyy

Yoooo big post

-L