#i am a lot better now i think .... which is nice
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The Prophecy (SMAU ft. Lando Norris) Part II
pairing: lando norris x singer!reader (y/n)
summary: what happens after the break-up that noone saw coming? as Y/N L/N gears up to release her next album, each song reveals a little bit of the past, present and future of her relationship with Lando Norris. Inspired by a curated playlist built around "The Prophecy".
note: this is RPF and is obviously in no way, shape, or form reflective of real persons.
genre: social media au, angst, exes to lovers, happy ending
part i
♥・*:.。 。.:*・゚♡・*:.。 。.:*・゚♥
September, 2026
[Excerpt from Kelly Clarkson interview with Y/N]
“We’re so excited to have y/n l/n with us today, I can’t get your latest song out of my head. It’s really such a great revival of the sultry pop ballads,” Kelly says joyously, and y/n can’t help but smile.
“Thank you! That means a lot coming from you – I grew up watching you on American Idol, I can’t believe I’m even sitting across from you now.”
“Oh my god, stop! You’re gonna make me feel real old. Congratulations again on your Grammy for your sophomore album, All I Ever Needed. How did it feel going into your new project with that in the back of your mind?”
Y/N shuffles uncomfortably on the couch. “Hmm thank you. I – well, it was really different. The songs I wrote on there were coming from this feeling of bliss which was fading fast by the time the Grammy’s rolled around. I had to figure out what kind of artist I am if I’m not in love, or writing about happiness. It felt embarrassing. I don’t like being vulnerable, but I love sharing love. So it was hard for me, not gonna lie. But I’m happy that we got there in the end.”
“Wow, well I was able to listen to a few other songs on this record. I gotta say, I think it’s by far your best record yet. And did you write on all of the songs this time around again?”
Y/N nods her head, a small smile creeping back up on her face. “Yeah, I did. It turns out that writing about sad things can be really cathartic. But I really want people to know that it doesn’t mean this isn’t an album about love. At the end of the day, each of these songs are love letters to every single moment or person that made me feel something – for better or worse.”
early October, 2026
[Transcription of Capital FM segment with Y/N]
“We’ve got Y/N L/N with us here on Capital FM, and we’re about to play a quick round of Never Have I Ever! Are you ready?”
Y/N smiles, holding a paddle with “I Have” and “I Have Never”. “Sure, as ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Great! Now first one: Never have I ever… regifted a gift someone bought me.”
“Ooooh, not a gift someone bought me. But things I have been sent or given in goodie bags I’ve definitely regifted,” Y/N says, and raises the “I Have Never” paddle.
“That’s alright! I think that’s not too bad. In fact, I’d volunteer to get something regifted from you,” the host laughs. “I usually donate it, but next time I’ll keep you in mind!”
“Perfect. Next one: Never have I ever slid into someone’s DMs”
Y/N rolls her eyes and raises the “I Have” paddle. “Who hasn’t? If people say they haven’t, they’re just lying to you.”
“Who’s the most famous person who’s ever been in your DMs?” The host asks, and Y/N laughs. “Hmm Taylor Swift, maybe?”
“You’re good friends, aren’t you?” Y/N nods. “Yeah, I actually wrote ‘how did it end?’ during a studio session with her.”
“Hmm that brings me to the next question – never have I ever written a song about an ex.”
Again, Y/N raises the “I Have” paddle, but then twists it so it’s halfway. “I think sometimes, no scratch that, I think almost always songs work way better when they’re open for interpretation. Isn’t it nice how everyone can take something else from it, that way?”
“Have you ever gotten back together with an ex?” The host asks, and Y/N makes a ‘tsk’ noise. “Never! First rule in the book, or so my friends tell me all the time.”
"Even when the heart wants what it wants?"
"Even then."
mid October, 2026
[Excerpt from Call Her Daddy episode with Y/N]
“I think in many ways this album is the most naked I’ve ever felt in my emotions. But maybe that’s actually a good thing,” Y/N grins.
“They do say that sex sells,” Alex (Cooper) responds, and Y/N chuckles. “You’ll find hardly any of that on this album.”
“That’s not entirely true, there’s a song on there with some explicit lyrics,” she adds.
“Undrunk? Funnily enough, that one was probably one of the easier ones to write because it actually felt the furthest removed from myself? It’s inspired by, but not based on my own experiences. I’d say it’s my unlived life,” Y/N tries to explain.
“Talk to me about that. People are always quite eager to pinpoint all experiences of a celebrity. They know who you’ve dated, look for clues and dissect every lyric. How do you decide what to share and what not to share?”
“I think it’s sort of why I wanted to share ‘how did it end?’. Even the title track is me addressing the fact that everyone feels entitled to determine my love story. Including me, I think everyone tries to engineer or hack happiness at one point in their life. But it doesn’t work like that. And at the same time, it’s important for me to try and have some semblance of control over my own narrative, my feelings, my sense of self. And that also goes for the people whose presence in my life inspired me to write these songs. For better or worse, I’m grateful for it.”
Alex smirks. “Look, we can’t avoid the topic here. We all know that one of those people is Formula One driver Lando Norris. He’s also got a lot of very dedicated fans, who’ve been clamoring under every post of yours to leave him alone ever since you started dating. How did, and do you deal with that? It would have been easy to erase him from your social media, once the relationship ended, but you chose not to do that. Was that a conscious decision on your end, or something you ever discussed?”
Y/N takes a sip of water, and purses her lips. “I kinda feel like it’s just not really my place to expand on that – it’s between Lando and his fans. Like, it actually has nothing to do with me, I feel. If people are surprised I didn’t delete like three photos, it’s just because I like them – it’s not that deep. I can still cherish good moments, even when they’re in the past. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of the fact that my ex was part of my life. But it’s not for me to comment on it beyond that. He’s well within his rights to want to delete them, and he doesn’t need to explain to anyone – not to me, not to his fans, anyone why he did it.”
“But it’s more than that. It does seem to imply he doesn’t like the association. And yet you referenced him in the video for “Jaded”. It’s caused some controversy,” she prods a little more.
Y/N snorts. “I was just paying homage to my co-writer, and her iconic 7 Things video. But it’s also partly me taking that ownership. A video is one of the few spaces where you can set the scene. If I wanted to expand on it, I’d have done it through art. People will be mad either way, and the props don’t add anything you can’t already infer from the lyrics.”
“Has he listened to it?”
“Have you?” Y/N counters. Alex smiles, then moves on.
end of October, 2026
[The Independent excerpt]
Y/N L/N reveals tracklist to her third album as anticipation grows!
An obvious contender for the BRITs, is what the first reviews are saying about L/N's latest record “Jaded”. The LP will arrive in just two weeks, but up until today we did not know the exact runtime of the highly anticipated album. After posting to her Instagram, Y/N L/N revealed that the regular version of The Prophecy will count 12 tracks, with the deluxe edition raising that to a comfortable 16. Fans will surely be delighted to know that they can purchase various versions, all contributing to what is looking to be a very easy chart victory.
Talking to Jimmy Fallon earlier this week, L/N stated that she hopes her fans will listen to the album in its running order. “I know it’s really tempting to skip straight to your favourite, but I spent ages ruminating over how to tell my story in the best way – so I hope that translates.”
So far, all official singles of “The Prophecy” have charted both in the Official Top 20 as well as the Billboard Top 40, with The Heart Want What It Wants peaking on top, and Jaded just outside the top 10 at #11.
♥・*:.。 。.:*・゚♡・*:.。 。.:*・゚♥ I was soooooo happily surprised by the response to the previous part that I hurried up to post this :) Any comments, likes, reblogs, asks are super appreciated. ♥ Part III will follow shortly, it'll be four parts in total. for those interested, official tracklist songs
how did it end? - Taylor Swift / The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez / Jaded - Miley Cyrus / Lie to Girls - Sabrina Carpenter / Breakeven - The Script / The Prophecy - Taylor Swift / Stay - Gracie Abrams / Science + Faith - The Script / Moral of the Story ft. Niall Horan - Ashe / Undrunk - Fletcher / Vertigo - Griff / No More Sad Songs - Little Mix / Paper Hearts - Tori Kelly / Into You - Julia Michaels / Supercut - Lorde / Genesis - Dua Lipa
#lando norris x reader#lando norris fanfic#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#f1 rpf#ln4 x reader#ln4 x you#lando norris x you#the prophecy smau
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Hello!! If it's not too much to ask, can you write a cookie run kingdom au where y/n is a traveler? I just think that's the most logical way to somehow get them involved into stories and meet different cookies altogether. Maybe a few scenarios in which involve their encounters with the ancients before the main plot of crk?
A cookie stood with his sheep, observing the lands before him in silence as the winds howled and blew beside him. He was making his last few preparations before his journey, but as he turned around, he saw an unfamiliar face that appeared to be in awe of the lands much like he was…
“Oh, pardon me, but I’ve never seen a cookie like you before. You look so incredibly well and unbothered, may I ask if you have a secret to keeping your dough so healthy?”
“Oh, me? Hehe, I don’t think I have any ‘secret’ to my healthy or anything like that. I’m simply a traveler wandering Earthbread.”
“Really? So am I! I’ll be taking a pilgrimage to the Sugar-Free Road, and complete its 12 trials. What about you, where are you headed?”
“Wherever the earth and winds take me, I suppose. I don’t have a destination in mind, per se, but I’m so interested in exploring the marvelous depths across every corner of Earthbread! But, if you don’t mind me asking, what makes you want to venture to the Sugar-Free Road alone? Surely those trials can’t be the only reason.”
“You sound like you’ve been there before, is there something I should be aware of before I go?”
“Yeah, maybe don’t go by yourself. It’s a treacherous path that’ll leave you wishing you never went. I myself turned back when I was there because of how worn out I was. I would want to go back sometime, especially since I feel more accustomed to traveling to do so, but doing so alone is not something I’m doing again.”
“I see…well to answer your question, I strive to find the truth as to why cookies - those crumbling, incomplete, and not-so-sweet - all must suffer so. I wish for all beings of dough to be happy, and that is I will accept those trials. Hopefully I’ll find the answers I’m looking for at the end of the path.”
“That’s…that’s actually really nice! I respect that a lot, and I kinda feel the same way; wanting everyone to not suffer. But you won’t do well by yourself, would you mind if I tag along?”
“Really? Are you sure my goals won’t get in the way of yours?”
“Nah, of course not! You get to complete the trials and, hopefully, find your answers, while I get to see everything of the Sugar-Free Road and document it! Plus, I get to make a new friend too!”
“New friend..? Ahaha, I’m honored to call you friend too! My name is Pure Vanilla Cookie, and you are?”
“Y/N Cookie, a pleasure to meet ya Pure Vanilla Cookie!”
“Likewise, Y/N Cookie. I’m glad we’ll take this journey together!”
————————————————————————
The screeching roar of a dragon fills the air as it gradually got more distant. The dragon’s pursuer was aggravated, but still determined…
“Huff…huff…darn that dragon getting away, again!! I think I’m starting to loose count, is this the 80th time? No, it can’t have been that much…..argghh—! No matter, I’ll keep hunting it down and—!”
The bushes ahead of Hollyberry Cookie rustle as an astonished cookie stepped out, and looked to the sky where the dragon flew off. They were completely in awe and wanted to get a better look at the majestic creature.
“Woah!! Was that a dragon just now? I’ve seen glimpses of them on my travels, but that one was so close!! This could be a chance to really meet a dragon, maybe even feel its scales!! Hahaha, I gotta go now and—“
“Hey, hold it right there!”
“Huh? Oh, hey there! Are you after the dragon too?”
“That’s one way to put it; I’m hunting that dragon. I need to defeat it for the trouble its caused the Hollyberry Kingdom!”
“Oh my, I had no idea. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s quite alright, that dragon won’t escape me so easily! But, what brings you out here? And why do you want to see that dragon?”
“Ah, well I’m a traveler, you see? I want to explore every neat corner of Earthbread and all the specialties in between!”
“Really now? Interesting, it’s been awhile since I’ve met such an adventurous cookie like myself! I’m Hollyberry Cookie, pleased to meet you friend!”
“Y/N Cookie, the pleasure is all mine Hollyberry Cookie!”
“Well Y/N Cookie, what do you say we go hunting this dragon together? It’s always more fun to travel with a partner, and I’ll promise you to see every bit of the dragon up close!”
“For real?! Awesome!! Ohohoho, this is gonna be fun, I can’t wait to go!”
“Why don’t you tell me about your travels on the way? I’ll, of course, share you many of my own! I’ll even treat you to the finest berry juice my kingdom has to offer when it’s over!”
“Why thank you! I’ve never had berry juice from the Hollyberry Kingdom before, I can’t wait!!”
“It will be the finest you’ve ever had, you wouldn’t want any other! This is already becoming a fine adventure, hahaha!!”
————————————————————————
Black lightning and dark clouds...What's next, a blizzard that freezes your very breath? The scale of the anomalies is growing. The Cookies in the Frozen Snowfield are perishing one by one. While it seems logical for any cookie to avoid venturing out to such an extreme treacherous environment, two cookies were individually hiking up anyways. Although for their own reasons, their ambitions may align with one another’s….
“Hmm? Oh hey there, I wasn’t expecting any company here!”
“Neither was I…are you a cookie from one of villages affected by the blizzards?”
“Me? Oh no, I’m just a traveler passing by to witness something spectacular!! Here, listen closely—“
“Grrrrrr…..”
“Hhrrrrrraaaaaahh…..”
“The growls of not one, but two dragons-in one place!! I wonder what it is here that could’ve brought them here; ooohh I’ve got to see them up close!”
“You’re here for…sightseeing dragons? How strange.”
“You sound disappointed, is everything alright bud?”
“No. I am here to know more of the weather anomalies occurring through this continent. This harsh weather has caused cookies to suffer and crumble, and I refuse to let it endure another minute.”
“Oh my, I had no idea that was happening. I’m so sorry…”
“Pick your head up, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“Ah, r-right. *ahem*…let me help you.”
“What? No, I’m afraid I can’t. These cookies have suffered for too long, and I can’t risk another getting in the way and—“
“I promise I won’t get in your way. I’ll help aid those cookies with you; I have plenty of supplies to offer some kind of help, be it food or water or anything in between.”
“Hmm…very well then. I believe our interests might be more in common than I realize. Let’s not waste any more time and be on our way.”
“Of course! I’m Y/N Cookie, by the way, pleasure to meet you sir.”
“Dark Cacao Cookie, don’t mention it. Let us do our absolute best for the cookies!”
————————————————————————
Under the intense, near-intolerable heat of the desert sun, two cookies traverse the sands bearing wide smiles of determination. Both hold their own greedy ambitions, yet aren’t driven apart by each other’s desires.
“Hah, you know, I’m still amazed as to why you’re traveling with me to the old ruins. I was wandering the desert to find this marvelous treasure, but you just want to look at them, document them, and that’s it! Why go through such risks if all you want to do is go sight seeing?”
“Hehe, well I guess you could say that’s the treasure I’m hunting for. To see all the wonders of Earthbread, its beauties in its dangers, the uniqueness of every continent, I want to capture all of it and learn everything about it! Plus, it’s super fun to meet all kinds of desserts along the way, especially one as dynamic as you!”
“So interesting, you almost make me want to share the treasure I find with you; almost, of course.”
“I don’t blame you, heh. You wandered all this way for it, it’s only fair that it all belongs to you.”
“Right? I would’ve heard if someone on Earthbread had laid their hands on it first. But then again…I want to show my gratitude for your help. This journey would’ve been boring and perhaps fruitless if not for you; what is your name?”
“Y/N Cookie, a pleasure!”
“Y/N Cookie, I am Golden Cheese Cookie. I shall never forget all you’ve done for me! Your greed for the world is something to admire for eons; nearly as great as my greed for my treasure. You and I together shall be legendary!”
————————————————————————
Somewhere, in a secluded area relatively distant from the nearest cookie civilization, a lone cookie was weeping as she was suffering from a nightmare. A passerby cookie heard her cries, and wanted to know what troubled her so…
“E-Excuse me, hello? Are you okay ma’am?”
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I… Oh…it was that same dream again. I’m sorry, I didn’t know another cookie was here…”
“No no, it’s alright, you didn’t bother me. I was just traveling by, venturing out to find some incredible things about Earthbread!”
“You were…traveling? Just freely and…eagerly going about across Earthbread alone? …..why?”
“Ehehe, I suppose why not? There’s so many incredible marvels about this world that I wanna see and experience for myself! There’s just so many things and secrets that I want to know about, how could I not be eager to see it all, ahaha!”
“….s-so carefree and curious…they’re just—“
“Hmm, you say something?”
“N-no, I was just muttering to myself…”
“….Hey, you hungry?”
“What? How’d you…—“
“You have crumbs falling from your hands, how long have you been without something to eat?”
“I…I do not know. I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve eaten something. Maybe I’m getting too lost in my thoughts…”
You pulled out a lot of food from your bags and laid it out in front of the cookie.
“T-that’s so much food! Shouldn’t you keep some for yourself if you’re traveling?”
“I got plenty more, don’t you worry. But if you were here resting from traveling, then it looks like you weren’t fully prepared. Is there any reason why you’re traveling out here?”
“Yes…I want to know the truth.”
“….the truth about, what?”
“Why were we, the cookies, created? Why were we brought into this world? Why were we created so small and fragile? If only all cookies were born strong, unbreakable. If only then…I…”
“Shhh, calm down, alright? Take a break for now, eat up. You can tell me more when we’re back out on the road.”
“I-we?! What do you mean, ‘we?’ I’d get in your way with whatever it is you’re after.”
“I’m not after anything in particular, remember? I wanna traverse and see all of Earthbread, and from the sounds of what answers you’re after, it seems like we may be going down similar paths.”
“….Perhaps you’re right. Okay then, I’ll go with you, to find the answers I’m seeking. …Who are you, exactly…?”
“I’m Y/N Cookie!”
“I’m White Lily Cookie. I’m…thankful for you, Y/N Cookie. I never thought I’d have anyone to help me with this, I figured I’d just burden someone else with my struggles…”
“Don’t mention it, I’m perfectly fine with it! No one should really be alone for a long journey; especially for the one you want to take. I’m more than happy to go with you, White Lily Cookie.”
“Thank you, Y/N Cookie…I will never forget your kindness.”
#cookie run kingdom#crk x reader#cookie run kingdom x reader#cookie run x reader#cr kingdom#crk#pure vanilla cookie x reader#pure vanilla cookie#pure vanilla crk#hollyberry cookie x reader#hollyberry cookie#hollyberry crk#dark cacao cookie x reader#dark cacao cookie#dark cacao crk#golden cheese cookie x reader#golden cheese cookie#golden cheese crk#white lily cookie x reader#white lily cookie#white lily crk
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That's a Threat?
Mind you Daisuke has killed men before and here Maclolm ass disrespecting the fuck outta him. It's cool though Daisuke thinks it's cute
Transcript under the cut~
Daisuke: Malcolm. Do you have a minute?
Malcolm: The old dude dating my sister. What do we have to talk about?
Daisuke: I wanted to formally introduce myself
Malcolm: What the fuck for?
Malcolm: Did it occur to you that maybe I don’t want to meet you? The cradle robber
Daisuke: I’ve been seeing Luna for a year now and I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you.
Malcolm: I don’t care. We don’t have anything to talk about
Daisuke: I’m not as old as you think
Malcolm: That sounds like a fucking threat. Are you threatening me old man?
Daisuke: I think it would be in your best interest to speak with me.
Daisuke: I think we could have a more productive conversation in a warmer location. Don’t you agree?
Malcolm: Sounds horrible. I decline
Daisuke: I’ve asked Luna to spend Winterfest and the New Years with me. I wanted to extend the offer to you as well.
Daisuke: Malcolm. I’m not the type of man to ask twice.
Malcolm: Crazy work. Answer is still no
Daisuke: I understand that you are very protective of Luna, and so am I. I would like to use this time to get to know you better and hopefully, you can do the same
Malcolm: Ew. Can I be frank?
Daisuke: Of course
Daisuke: Do you have anything else to add?
Malcolm: I don’t like you. I think you’re shady and hiding something and I don’t think my sister is safe around you. I heard you guys almost broke up over the summer, she should made that permanent
Malcolm: Yeah. I think you’re an old bastard that should leave my sister alone. You weirdo
Daisuke: Let me be frank. I’m a man of means, and getting you to come to Mt. Komorebi won’t be difficult for me, but I wanted to speak to you man-to-man and make my intentions with your sister very clear. I plan on dating with the intention of getting married, which means we are going to be family. Let’s use this time to get to know each other, and let me show you how much your sister means to me.
Malcolm: “A man of means” eh? sounds like another threat.
Daisuke: You mean a lot to your sister and she's worried we won’t get along. I would hate to disappoint her and tell her I couldn’t convince you to come to Mt. Komorebi. You don't want to be the cause of the disappointment, do you?
Malcolm: You fucking suck
Daisuke: Old habits die hard but the sentiment remains the same. I hope you can reconsider
Malcolm: You...*deep breath* Fine...I’ll go
Malcolm: Not because of anything you said, you can keep those sentiments to yourself. I'm doing this only for Luna since she's so set on dating you, I can’t force her to stop. I still think you fucking suck and your threats don’t scare me
Daisuke: Im happy to hear that. You don’t have to worry everything will be taken care of. I promise you
Malcolm: Whatever old man
Daisuke: I’m not that much older than you
Malcolm: I don’t care old man.
Daisuke: It was nice speaking with you
Malcolm: Ew. I’m leaving
#on my LIFE i swear i thought i took a shot of where they went to have thier little talk. oh well you get the gist#sims 4#sims 4 screenshots#sims#thereevesfamily#black simblr#ts4 story#ts4 stories#the sims#the sims 4
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new year's letter from halan, january 1998
dear everyone, hello, it is i, captain zheng bei of the halan public safety bureau anti-narcotics task force. things are going well however there have been a few challenges this winter so i thought i would take this opportunity to update you on our progress here in halan.
first of all there's xiaoguang and nan nan. everyone is really happy that xiaoguang sat up again and started talking and getting better, me most of all. i might have cried a little and i definitely hit him. the weird thing is he speaks exclusively cantonese now and we're not sure why but hopefully nan nan's cantonese will get better so they can communicate. gu yiran says it doesn't really matter because they could never actually communicate in the first place and i don't want to say gu yiran is right but just in this one specific instance he might have a point. anyway nan nan seems happy and they sing a lot. and make other noises as well but we aren't going to talk about those.
zhang xueyao is also doing well, she has some kind of boyfriend but she won't let us meet him and i find that somewhat distressing. i'm worried if he is ugly or maybe has two heads. or what if he's really tiny. maybe he's only like 150 cm tall and she just beats him up all the time, something that would not be good for a police officer to do. on the other hand she seems a lot calmer and doesn't chase guozhu around the office anymore trying to kick him, so i guess it's been good for her. again gu yiran claims that the boyfriend is probably completely normal and just afraid of us but i don't know why that would be true. we're only cops, there's nothing scary about any of us?
ding guozhu has not changed in any way whatsoever, he has knitted eight sweaters this winter and at this rate the only one of us who doesn't have a sweater is me. that's because i don't wear sweaters because i never get cold. i only wear t-shirts even when it's -30ºC which it is right now. gu yiran on the other hand is wearing three sweaters at this very moment in his lab but i can still hear him bitching. i told him when he wears three sweaters at once he looks fat and he told me my head is fat. i told him his head is stupid and he looks stupid and then he told me i am an unmitigated idiot and then we wound up in a supply closet in the hallway and then some other stuff happened. when we came out of the supply closet somehow i was wearing one of guozhu's sweaters. surprisingly it is very soft and kind of nice, and guozhu made it red, my favorite color, and tried to give it to me so maybe i will keep it after all.
then there's uncle. he went on vacation with his granddaughter to hangzhou and they never came back. i think he likes it there, he keeps sending us photos of them by the lake eating sugar pastry in shirt sleeves and smiling. we have all started using email now and uncle likes it the most because he says he doesn't have to waste money on postage anymore. gu yiran tried to explain to him that electricity and telephone usage also cost money but uncle says he's already paid for those so it doesn't count. anyway he keeps sending very large photos that clog up the office inbox for several hours while they download. sometimes there's a lady in the photos, i keep asking him who that is but he never answers. gu yiran says when he feels like telling us about her, he will. here's an old picture of him with gu yiran because it's how i like to think of him, still here with us.
ma and ba are fine and nan nan finally talked them into closing the restaurant one day a week to take some rest. they are saying they might go visit uncle in the spring, or go to shanghai. they are a little bit upset that gu yiran and i moved out, but they also like having nan nan out of their apartment so that worked out okay after all.
i guess that's the big news, that gu yiran and i moved to a new place. it was sad to leave the building but after the incident with the wall we figured it was probably time. i explained to ma and ba how the hole was only an accident but it was still a very big hole so they were right to be upset, we all worked very hard one weekend to tear the wall down and replace it with a better one. the hole wouldn't even have happened if gu yiran and i hadn't had a fight, but we did, and then we weren't speaking so he went home to do his experiment in the apartment instead of in the lab, and there was sort of an explosion. but it was really my fault, because if i hadn't called him an arrogant cocksucker we wouldn't have fought. on the other hand if he hadn't gone after six drug dealers in the chicken van by himself with nothing but a baseball bat and some sock bombs then i probably wouldn't have called him that. so i guess maybe we were both to blame.
the good news is our new apartment is very solid and sturdy, we found this out on the first night when we walked in the front door and gu yiran threw me bodily up against the wall and proceeded to [redacted] me. he says that as a true scientist he has to keep conducting ongoing tests to ensure the structural integrity of our domicile and i'm not entirely sure what that means but as long as he keeps slamming me up against things honestly does it really matter.
here he is studying and looking very handsome and also cute. when he catches me taking photos of him studying, he hits me and tries to get the camera away from me, i don't mind because when he starts hitting me it's sort of funny and also easy to tickle him. it turns out gu yiran is very ticklish, and when he starts laughing and his glasses fall off and his hair gets messed up he looks even cuter and then we usually forget about studying or taking pictures or hitting or tickling.
well that's about all the news from halan. there are always new drugs and new dealers trying to make money off them so we stay pretty busy. director gao says i can't say anymore about that because it's official police business but i will tell you that even though we have a new office and a bunch of new recruits from the academy, i still miss the old cafeteria, and uncle bringing noodles and bao for the team.
PS gu yiran says he wants to get a cat. at first i wasn't sure it was a good idea considering his track record with houseplants, but then i thought about it and decided i don't mind being the one who mostly takes care of the cat. after all i do a pretty good job with xiao ran.
#don't @ me i don't even know what this is#it just happened#halan public safety bureau#zheng bei#gu yiran#the first shot#ding guozhu#zhang xueyao#zheng nan#zhao xiaoguang#xie tiegang#雪迷宫#shoutout btw to#hideyseek#for the detail about guozhu's sweater knitting#it's so firmly fixed in my mind i can SEE HIM DOING IT
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Rose Recaps 2024 - Rose-Tinted Glasses
Post your most popular and/or favourite edit/gifset/analysis for each month (it’s okay to skip months!) @troubled-mind made her own year summary, and I wanted to play to. I want to look back and see what I did and kinda give myself a pat on the back. I've been feeling not that inspired about giffing lately so this might help.
January
Most Popular: Myungha is all of us
Favourite: The Glitch
This one took me a long time to make but I had so much fun. It was a request and I immediately knew what I wanted it to look like, adding the red flare, but then I actually had to make it, which is when I get in trouble, because there are only so many hours in the day and I'm never happy. But I'm really happy with this one.
February
Most Popular: Is the magic gone? - Cherry Magic Thailand, EP 11
Favourite: The End
Yes, it's Love for Love's Sake again. I adore this set. I just love how it turned out. I had a good time trying to get the look I wanted. And of course, them. I love them.
March
Most Popular: S01E06 | S02E06 | S03E06 - Young Royals
Favourite: "So, I've been searching all this time…for someone who would polish off that dish with me."
This show changed me and healed me and it all started here. I love this show too much for words, but I did try to explain my love for it in my second favourite post from this month. It's magic.
April
Most Popular: Silent Screaming - Unknown, EP 9
Favourite: Ok this isn't exactly my post or just one but all the answers from #Rose's Day of Asks, April 2nd. It was just so much fun to go on a ask spree, and get to know some people better and get show recs and just generally interact more. It broke my brain a little but it was such a fun day for me. Also it was a fun excuse to just ask questions, because sometimes I feel awkward dropping by someone's inbox to ask some random question. May
Most Popular: Domesticity - Unknown, EP 12
Favourite: "The ocean is for contemplating things bigger than we are..."
This is such a special set to me. I did it as a gift to the always kind @twig-tea and I love it a lot. She loves the sea and so do I, so to work with it in different shows and just look at it while I was making this set was such a treat for me as well. This was the post that started it.
June
Most Popular: Oyei & Cher - Wandee Goodday, EP 6
Favourite: The 25:00 in Akasaka running.
This show got me so bad. This post basically started because of @lurkingshan tags on another post and then because @colourme-feral asked me about who would do the running in the inevitable running to the beloved moment. And it was fun discussion with great additions from @lurkingshan here and @emotionallychargedtowel take here.
July
Most Popular: Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko, EP1
Favourite: Zettai BL is back!!!
I had a blast giffing this show. It was just great seeing my faves again and getting a new fave in Hatano. Many thanks to @ikeoji-subs for making it possible for us to watch it.
August
Most Popular: 'Friendship is nice, isn't it?' - I Hear the Sunspot, EP 8
Favourite: Rose Watches OJBL - The Novelist: Playback (2021)
Never was I happier to have started the ojbl project that when I finished this series. I love it so much. And this project is dying down because I've seen most of the good ones, and will make my way through others more slowly that I had before. But this project was definitely one of my personal highlights from last year.
September
Most Popular: THE Kiss - The Time of Fever, EP 4
Favourite: 'You've grown up well, Go Hotae.'
I am so critical of my work but damn do I love this set so much. The colours just make me so happy. And them of course. No secret that I absolutely lost my mind with them.
October
Most Popular: The amazing Nam Yoon Su - Love In The Big City, EP 1
Favourite: So I've been thinking about time.
The day I was so smart. I was very proud of myself for figuring this out. It seems silly now, but it was driving me crazy and I felt really good when I finally cracked it. This show also occupied so much of my brain.
November
Most Popular: Parallels LITA - Love in the Air Koi, EP 1
Favourite: Love in the Big City by Sang Young Park | PART THREE
This show gave me so much pain, but it got me doing something different. I really loved making these. And this one was the best of one. I am so rusty using photoshop that it was a challenge at first, and it took ages but it was also really fun. I love these edits a lot.
December
Most Popular: Panther Eyes - Caged Again, EP 6
Favourite: Miseinen parallels - Episode 1 | Episodes 1, 2, 4, 5, 6
I had been paying attention to the places Jin was visiting in the first episode to spot them when they appeared again, so i was very happy when I was finally able to collect them all.
Well that's it for yearly recaps I guess. I feel like I'm getting better at this giffing thing and also writing some thoughts down, even if I still feel intimidated by some people. I had fun here last year and I hope this one continues to be great. I just need to find some inspiration and start giffing again properly. Have a wonderful year everybody! 💜
Also, if anyone wants to do this consider yourself tagged! and you can use this site where you can look for your top posts of each month.
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Some new g3 MH dolls dropping this year, so I (someone that does not collect dolls) am once again giving my ratings/opinions of them that nobody asked for:
I'm gonna just say it, I enjoy Frankie significantly more when they take the neon yellow out of their outfit lmfao. Don't get me wrong, the neon pink/blue/yellow look works for them, I just prefer it w/o.
so suffice to say, color palette wise, I like this Frankie.
now, their actual fit itself... I like some aspects of it more than others. Things I like: The dress (I think the one poofy sleeve works for them), and the hair piece and earrings.
I also really like their face on this doll, it's very pretty! I don't remember what color Frankie's eyebrows usually are, but this dark blue shade looks nice, and I like their lipstick.
Things I don't hate in themselves but would change in some way: I think the blue strappy bits of their shoes would have looked better either as the same silver color as the rest of the shoe or black. The necklace I also think should have been silver, to match the rest of their accessories.
Also, I'm on the fence about the pink, I wonder if it might have just looked more cohesive overall to have just left it out? I almost feel like their isn't enough pink in the rest of the outfit to make the accent bits of pink work with it? Maybe a pink hairclip in their bangs would have helped?? Idk.
As per usual, I love Cleo's look. Her balloon is a scarab that is kinda heart shaped...that's cute. I do wish they'd given her some stockings or tights or something?? maybe some stockings with li'l black bows to match her arms, and to carry the black down to her legs, but also it looks fine without.
Cleo's always just so pretty...
I DO wish they'd be more experimental in her hairstyles, tho, I feel like it's almost always a High-Pony for her, which, she rocks it, but it'd be nice to see them do summin else !!
CUPID!!! I'm excited to see her be brought over into g3 style. :)
I love that they gave her big poofy curls, very cute. Also I'm glad that they kept her heart lipstick!!
I like her upper eyelashes being white, so they stand out against her make-up.
I like the little heart marks under her eyes, but I don't like the three on top lid—maybe if they were different sized hearts, instead of all being the same size??
I also like that they carried over the black of her legs, but I wish they'd kept it on her arms, too.
Glad to see they kept her bone-wings, though.
Her outfit... I like the red and gold, and I expect there to be pink but I feel like there were better ways it could've been incorporated; I think the pink lace would have looked better black. Instead, the XOXO of her headband could have been painted pink, so it'd be more easily visible (also the arrow thru the heart should have been black), and one of the hearts on each of her shoes could've been pink instead of both hearts being red. Also the blue hearts of her headband is SO random, I think THOSE should have been pink, literally nowhere else on her outfit is blue...
Draculaura, as always, is my fave.
This hairstyle for her is very cute (and also a first? I know g3 drac has been given pigtails before, but not yet with bangs?? It's cute).
Once again I think some stockings or tights or something would've been a cute addition, but the doll certainly isn't ruined by not having them.
I DO wish the pink of her shoes was a lighter pink, so it would match everything else she's wearing, instead of being a darker pink, but the darker pink at least matches her present and balloon.
speaking of her shoes, I DO wish they'd put in the effort of painting the obvious strings of pearls to be white, so they'd match w/ the other pearls of her accessories.
Also I like that they gave her gloves (I feel like Cupid ALSO could've benefited from gloves if they didn't want to carry over the black on her arms from g1, it would've been a nice nod, at least. I can see lots of doll customizers buying up extras of this drac to swap her hands w/ Cupids, for that purpose actually).
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PHONE GUY DESIGN IM LITERALLY SCREAMONG RBEUBQHGWVS
IM GLAD YALL LIKE HOW PHONE GUY LOOKS!! I didn’t expect so many to be down bad for him-
#ask reply#GUYS IMMA be honest I wasn’t even aiming to make him hot#I just tried to make a pathetic older man#BUT I SHOULD OF KNOWN BETTER.. yall would of went crazy for that BAHA#but fr!! I am happy yall liked his design#I got a lot of nice comments on the post itself saying similar things#also how they think the design fits phone guy#WHICH IS truly all I wanted to achieve that it fit him#SO IM GLADD#we’ll see if I’ll draw him again anytime soon!#we now have all the info folks..#we got phone guy phone dude and tape girl looks… let’s go 🔥🔥
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Scholarly peak is catching up on recent literature
#bingqiu#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#svsss#sqq#lbh#my art#which is honestly just to say that i've finished the other two print books i was reading#and am now prepared to leap feet first into svsss bk4#i succeeded in holding off for an entire two weeks. i have the conviction of a wet paper towel.#lets see bk4 was described as - what? - an ''angst and smut pile''??#i am very much looking forward to this#i was promised a story with my snake boy#because i am very much not over zhuzhi-lang's fate so this had better be A REALLY NICE HAPPY ONE FOLKS#anyway have sqq and lbh cuddling and reading as i project on them#i like to assume that as time goes on sqq is able to relax his persona a bit more around lbh#i think he should get to cuddle and bitch about shitty novels#but man sqh is really the ONLY source of any books that have an even slightly modern cadence/style i have a feeling sqq would be very keen#though if i'm being honest i really wonder if sqh could ever bring himself to write fiction again#if you're A Writer it tends to be hard to RESIST you just get an itch to tell a story#but also like... the fear that all of this could happen again... or that the characters you're creating might be REAL and SUFFERING...#yeah... i honestly suspect he can't write anymore and that it honestly probably sucks a lot... but for the sake of this joke he is :P
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I know it's a story, oh I know it's just a story. But why does it feel like my worst nightmare?
My Explorers of Sky Hero, Echo!
Lately I've been writing a study on her and this paragraph is taken from my rough rough draft. It's a more in-depth exploration of her character/origin/experiences and since I am a huge fan of the darkrai reincarnation theory, this is my personal take on the concept.
I think it's a bit poetic that Echo, in the aftermath of everything, winds up as a dark-type again (and one connected to the moon no less, the irony) as well. I mean, her timeline of lives has literally been this:
Darkrai (New Moon/Pitch Black) -> Human -> Eevee (Evolution) -> Umbreon (Moonlight)
A lot of her evolution into umbreon has to do with her personal trauma/amnesia and also significant influence from dusknoir (who she trusted and cared about), but deep down I feel like her evolution was also partially determined by the fragmented remnants of her original self. She even tried to evolve into leafeon, which obviously, did not work out as planned. Perhaps this is her past lives way of manifesting in her current self, though she is no longer the same pokemon anymore. Maybe it has something to do with self-forgiveness or acceptance? She still has a lot of healing to do, though.
Once evolving into a dark type, Echo slowly starts to regain some of her memories from her time as Darkrai. And Team Wish's new friendship with Cresselia, who is more perceptive than she has any right to be, gives Echo a lot of insight into exactly who she is. This spirals into Echo battling the reality of her past actions alone for a long time because how is she supposed to admit the truth to Sora? That she was the direct cause of their shared suffering? That she and darkrai are one and the same? That all of the pokemon of the future lived in an eternity of hell because she desired it? Of course, she keeps quiet for a long time out of pure fear-- because if Sora rejected her, she'd fall apart. It's a lot to keep secret but what else can she do?
And bonus!! Does Echo's shadow change during each night of the new moon? Hmm. Sure does seem like it.
#i am deeply in love w/ my girls echo and sora and i wanna share that love with anyone that will listen#i really hope you guys like echo and sora... i know this is more echo focused but i'll get around to sora too!!#also grovyle met echo when he was a treecko!#i like to think that he evolved as a way to protect her since i think evolving takes a lot of energy#and energy is precious in the dark future so wasting it on evolution is usually not a thing that happens much#also grovyle is the one that named echo! he picked it out for her during their time together in the future :') he loves her dearly#did this take me the better part of a week since i never have time? yes#it sure was fun though!!!#and i'm starting to get the hang of digital art now which is a plus#kinda poured my soul into this it's the most work i've done for art in a long time!! pls be nice to me#pmd#pmd2#pmd eos#explorers of sky#echo/umbreon#echo/eevee#sora/lucario#darkrai#my art
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️
Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone#but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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Got rear-ended 🤗
#of course it would happen in this city 😭#anyway I’ve never been in an accident before so I was very stressed and frazzled#but I wasn’t at fault (I was completely stopped at a red light lol)#and the damage is so so so tiny#I’m gonna get it looked at this weekend#and the girl who hit me was pretty calm and knew what to do#which. makes me assume she’s hit people before 😰 but whatever#she was very nice about it and I think all is well#I’m just like. AUGH. WHAT A SHIT DAY I HAVE HAD!#I haven’t posted about the other Events of the day but whew#lots of stress-induced tears today#and then I started my period and was like ‘oh that makes sense now’#anyway I still have homework to do tonight 😭 so I guess I better get on that#no time to breathe lol#also I am totally uninjured! all is well. but like. augwhegh I am so Overwhelmed#ellyposting
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This morning, my therapist called me to let me know she's setting up her own practice via telehealth (which is what we were using Anyways) & asked me whether I'd want to follow her there. She still has to set stuff up with insurance stuff But her out of pocket stuff is like HALF what I've been paying out of pocket for the company she was in. So I was like, Hell Yeah let's do it
So im gonna keep up with appointments, maybe once a month or so, just so I have the accountability + the ability to ramble about what I've achieved. Bc that's been rly nice for me. I'll have my therapist back!!!! And better than ever, if only because I have to pay so much less for it 😂😂😂
And ALSO, today I put in my course request for the orchestra into the form. So different from just two weeks ago, where I was practically begging to be given a chance to audition. I was sitting in the same spot of the lobby even, but putting in my official orchestra request instead of sending an email as I vibrated in hope and anxiety. I Got It tho. And the class won't even be that late in the day. It's really exciting.
#speculation nation#also general bonding with friends etc etc. very nice.#it's like. my day took a real turn for the better. my gender communication class was covering relationships today#including abusive relationships and how people express love.#the abusive relationships one had me like. actively a little uncomfortable hfkshfkd not like it was BAD bc it's important to teach the signs#but especially when it came to the Volatility sign i was just like. yup. uh huh. yeah. yup. hfksbfmsbc#because it. hit Real close to home for That One shitty relationship way back when#most days i forget i was in an abusive relationship And Then I Remember.........#anyways thankfully we didn't have a discussion over that. but we Did have a discussion over how often we say 'i love you'#professor was asking for a numerical estimate. and some people were saying like 5 or 6 times a day#meanwhile me realizing i only ever really say that to family (human-wise). and i only see or talk to family every so often.#but i say it a lot to my cats. a Lot. theyre my babies. i love them so much.#so i got kind of stressed and overwhelmed thinking about how the most i say is like 'ilu' but only to like one friend and only rarely.#even in romantic relationships i havent said it for the most part. bc it's mostly not been true and i Dont Like To Lie.#so i got to thinking about Why and had a thing of 'am i heartless??' etc etc. but i think i really am emotionally distant#which i think stems from the fact that i dont trust much of Anyone to be in my life long-term besides family#and the only non family i feel comfortable Sometimes saying this kind of thing to is someone ive been friends with for nearly 8 years now.#so i guess i trust that theyll be here longterm. so i feel less anxiety about expressing it.#my friends told me that they see i still care tho in the ways i act and try to take care of them.#so. not heartless. i just struggle with telling people how i feel.#hfmahfmshfms so yeah bit of a weird day but it got better!!!! and now i am. chilling.#gonna play more sims 2. yes.#abuse ment/
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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