#i KNOW i went over. leave me alone
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OOO OOO OOOOOOO benji x whoever you wish, but the fic is titled "The Rope is Fraying" >:)))
The Rope is Fraying
Benji wakes with a startle, gasping for air. Heart beating fast, he grasps at the sheets for some form of grounding. It's fruitless, as the rope begins tightening around his neck. He's back in the compound. He's back in the noose.
Ethan wakes when he feels the bed shaking, groggily trying to comprehend what's happening. He snaps to as soon as he realizes Benji is thrashing, panicked. Ethan knows what's happening, it's not anything new.
Springing into action, Ethan clears his throat. "Benji, it's me. It's Ethan." At the sound of his voice, Benji seems to calm a little. But Ethan knows it's not over yet.
"Benji, can you take some deep breaths with me?" Ethan says softly, and Benji nods, panic still in his eyes. Ethan refrains from taking Benji's hands, even if he really wants to, and leads Benji through some breathing excercises, repeating that Benji is home, and they're safe. Slowly, Benji seems to return to the present, until he's simply quiet.
Ethan asks Benji if he can touch him, to which Benji gives a relcutant go ahead. Ethan gathers Benji in a tight hug, rubbing his knuckles along Benji's spine. Benji smushes his face into Ethan's shoulder, quiet still. For a moment, Ethan listens to Benji's breathing.
"I love you," Benji says, muffled against Ethan's shoulder. A small smile creeps onto Ethan's face. "I love you too, Ben."
>> five line fic prompts
#mission impossible#mission: impossible#benji dunn#ethan hunt#benthan#fun fact: this is me recycling a fic concept i came up with when we learned drp1 scrapped a thing w benji and ptsd#my writing#fanfic tag#i KNOW i went over. leave me alone
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so there's a reason my new job got back to me so quickly about my application and that's bc it's an absolute fucking shambles like actually perfect timing for me to decide to rewatch the bear bc i have never more felt like ive been thrown into a broke on-its-knees establishment trying to crawl its way up the ladder where i am somehow a godsend to them. my old job was crazy and shambolic in the sense that the industry is just Like That but this one?????? insanity. every 5 mins i am questioning what im doing with my life. ive already had a walk-in fridge moment
#so i explained before that there's 3 venues and on my very first shift they had me doing the restaurant venue for 2 hours#which was FINE like i was a bit cautious bc my manager is VERY stressed all the time and the place generally feels like it's falling apart#not the building itself just. the way it's run like it's just got new owners and the previous manager apparently#EMPTIED THE TILLS AND TRASHED THE PLACE like cost them THOUSANDS of pounds and on top of that#there was beef with the head chef and the new owners that meant he left and took the ENTIRE BACK OF HOUSE WITH HIM#THERE ARE NO KITCHEN STAFF ATM. I HAVE TO LIE AND TELL CUSTOMERS WE DONT HAVE FOOD ATM BC OF 'REFURBISHMENT'#WHEN IN ACTUALITY THE /RESTAURANT/ DOESNT HAVE CHEFS. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS#and then the front of house staff are very lacking aside maybe 2 people we're ALL NEW and all of them EXCEPT ME#LIKE LITERALLY JUST ME IM THE ONLY EXCEPTION. ALL OF THEM ARE UNTRAINED#so when i applied with bar training coffee training and very solid waitressing skills they genuinely treated me like a saviour#like i am FENDING off shifts tbh im in a v good position bc they need me too much to get shitty w me if i refuse hours but i can literally#have as many as i want bc they will just give me them. like they're obsessed w me im rota'd for over 60 hours this week#but anyway that very first shift after 2 hours in the restaurant i then walked to the mini golf venue on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN#and my manager stayed for 30 MINUTES. IF THAT. and showed me around the place + how to close THEN LEFT ME THERE#FIRST DAY HE GAVE ME THE KEYS AND LEFT ME TO RUN AN ENTIRE VENUE. IT'S NOT SMALL EITHER IT'S A WHOLE BAR#AND I HAD TO CLOSE ON MY OWN TOO and ironically the shift itself went rlly well like it was so chill#it was kinda boring but honestly i kinda rated it it's v easy money and the close went perfectly nothing cropped up that i was unsure about#and then. AND THEN. i havent even ranted to my mutuals about this yet bc i was acc so horrified by it but i locked the front doors#and went to lock the gate AND THE KEY GOT STUCK IN THE LOCK. WOULD NOT COME OUT. HELLA VS KEYS ROUND 3927593#my mum even showed up and tried to help me wrestle this thing out i called my manager and he literally told me to just snap it#bc he'd rather a snapped key that NO ONE could get out than just leave it there overnight but bc of my recent house key moment#i was like AM I FUCK SNAPPING THIS KEY. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING. so i had to just leave it and at the time#i was realllyyyyyyyyyy beating myself up but my manager is actually rlly nice he's just stretched v thin#and ive also had time to be like uhh actually they shouldnt have left a random 21 y/o girl alone with the keys on her first day#omg i havent even talked about what happened on saturday. ACTUAL SHAMBLES#LIKE THIS /\/\ ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO EVERYTHING! IM RUNNING OUT OF TAG ROOM! IM GONNA REBLOG THIS TONIGHT W MORE PROBABLY!#BC GUESS WHO IS WORKING A CLOSE LATER AT THE NIGHTCLUB THEN OPENING THE RESTAURANT AT 8AM. GUESS#hella slaves to capitalism
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when u want to like a character so so bad but theyre a cop so its impossible
#sorry even if theyre hot my first thought will always be 'cop' and it kills all desire#slams head thru wall#vi arcane i want to love u so bad......but i look at u and see COP and its over for me 😐#and her cop gf 😐😔#before anybody gets mad at me im just sad 😔 shes great otherwise like she fits my fave types but this wall is insurmountable#she grew up in the SLUMS and they make her an ENFORCER??? die#she was wrongfully imprisoned for like a decade and they make her an enforcer 😐😐😐😐#after finishing arcane i went to read her lore 😐#felt so Liberal 😐😔 weh weh both sides bad type beat#girl its not too late please dont be a cop and cait pls leave the force PLEASE i cant defend you like this#anybody else trapped in this torture prison abt her or is it just me please tell me im not alone in this#every time i see her on my dash it pains me so much like physically mentally....#its ok at least i have my other vi who fights ex military with her gf to avoid becoming soldiers in a pointless war :) blink blink#it speaks#only posting this bc i need to know who else is suffering over this.............. it cant just be me
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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Ugh. She literally. Is upset that I dont always like her. Like she hasn't. Given me. Two different kinds of trauma. Across many instances. And has not changed that behavior significantly.
Like. I told her not to drink. Because she gets even worse with boundaries when she drinks. And she responded with. Saying its weird that I dont like her. Like. I havent just. Told you. Why.
And I respond with saying. That its not like I dont like her. Its just that I dont want her to drink around me. Thats all.
She also has told me. To my face. That she hates me <3 so
#-cass#Ugh#I sent her to hang out with a friend today because I couldnt take it anymore#this would be the first time they've willingly hung out with a friend without me#since we've started dating well over a year ago#and its because they decided that today was the day to quit smoking#and have not left me a moment to myself today#after I told them last night. all of this.#implying that my boundaries are important.#I went to the other room to be alone and they followed me#and then I told them I wanted to be alone and they didnt leave??#I'm just so fucking stressed I need a moment to myself.#I probably sound a little insane rn... idk... if so feel free to call me out on it.#I just dont know how to deal.
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#i’m so fucking frustrated right now.#i can’t remember the last time i haven’t woken up to my roommates dogs barking and whining#my room is right over the living room. and all i hear is them barking and whining and the puppy’s pen being dragged across the floor#i go to bed way later than my roommate because of my work schedule#like sometimes i don’t get off work till 12:30 am and then get to sleep around 2#and her fucking dogs wake me up so gddamn early i feel i’m permanently exhausted#like sometimes she will take the dogs if she’s gone all day at her parents or whatever#but she didn’t today. and when i went downstairs the puppy had shit and the whole house stinks and i don’t even wanna leave my room#like i know it’s not my responsibility but i feel like she’ll blame me when she comes home and sees that the puppy has been in the#pen all day.#like it’s 3 pm and i haven’t even gone down to make myself food because i can’t stand it. i fucking hate it i hate the whining the fucking#barking.#i know that i am actually very fortunate in my situation. like my housing and roommate situation could be a lot lot worse.#and it’s not that my roommate is horrid. we’re just. strangers. and i feel so fucking alone and alienated#i do not want my life to be like this.#like i feel so horrid i need to do laundry and clean my bathroom and actually get shit done#but i don’t want to leave my room.#i just don’t want my life to be like this.
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hey how do you forgive yourself for doing something something you feel is irrevocably embarrassing even though you know you can do anything you want forever
like how do you unlearn that shame
#jesus christ#i did something last night and i'm having the most horrifying sense of “post-nut clarity” that i have in a WHILE#and i didn't even get to nut like#rragahRAGSJKDLF i've been pacing around my kitchen trying to find the strength to make breakfast and finding none cause i'm so tired and#like. anxious over this harmless thing that i went out and did and i know its harmless and i know its private to me and no one else's#business and there are other people out there that also do this thing and it's not harming anyone so i should be fine#but like?????? trauma fuckin sucks man i hate this shit#i can wholeheartedly let adults do what they want forever as long as its not harmful cause it's their choice to do that#but the second that adult becomes me i can't?? my brain won't fucking let me#i'm gonna make myself a coffee and take a nap i can't do this shit anymore#maybe watch some youtube to drown it out#maybe animate. i mean i'm in the right headspace for a little vent animation that's for fucking sure#idfk#rant#rant in tags#i'm like genuinely asking for advice on how to help with this but also if you can't say anything helpful leave me tf alone please#i wanna disappear for a day or two#or forever idk
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on the leftist commune of my creation you WILL need to have a job and mandatory alone time it cannot be 3 faggots with full time jobs paying for acquaintances random stuff and then being made to listen to said acquaintance vent after the fact
#personal#if you don’t know my dad died last year i’m gonna wager you cannot ask me for money#told this dude i’m sorry but no i can’t pay for you to wash ur clothes and im TIRED#and yes xyz why someone can’t work i do get that#but i am working and am struggling with that#i don’t have a choice. i was going to a job where i fell asleep in my car while driving routinely and gave me extreme chest pains#just to pay what i owe my mom for rent#if SHE could afford it she’d let me live rent free but she can’t!#and i need to pay my bills! i NEED a job! there’s not someone waiting in the wings to fund my life#and i’m sick of it!!!!!! i’m sick of aquntinces using me as a vent thing and then as an atm!#yes i said no!!!!!!!!!! unless you are actively dying i’m probably gonna say no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i’m genuinely really upset by people needing things of me and i don’t want this relationship in the first place#you came to me youre talking to me im not hitting you up im not reaching out to you#i’m being polite but not outright ignoring you talking to me#that does not equal friendship!!!!!!!#i think i have to stop talking to people i must get meaner#i need to stop having the general vibe you as a stranger should feel comfortable talking to me at length#i’m tired!!!! i don’t want new friends or to make new plans or do that!!!!! leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!#and this is the second time this WEEK. some random aquantinxe has asked for money#brother i went over budget for donations in one day. i dont give a fuck unless ur actively in dire situations!!!!! i dont care!!!!!! there#there are bigger issues!!!#stop asking people ur NOT close with for this!!!! make actual friends !!!!!
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sorry ive tried to avoid being a hater for no reason like . hating on stuff just bc i resent its popularity rather than actually genuinely disliking it. i try to avoid doing that now. but can the eras tour please just end already so i never ever have to hear about it again ever.
#its bad enough it keeps popping up on all my social media feeds but now that stupid movie is completely dominating my movie app#so im like can i get tickets to see a movie this week and its like sure but only if you scroll past like 5 taylor swift ads. is that ok#yes the movie isnt out for over a month but we're still going to keep it parked right at the top. in front of the movies that ARE playing r#also when i went to the showtimes screen it just. automatically took me to the showings for oct 13th bc thats when her movie is out#not. showings for this week. which it always used to do by default. no. showings for 10/13 for her movie#like omfg i know its not a big deal but i am so sick of hearing about this tour already#so for it to be adding this many minor nuisances & obstructions to me going to the movies this week is just like. go awayyyyy#like twice as frustrating as it would have already been -_- maybe more.#avpost#me: can i see a different movie please#theaters: see taylor swift? buy the taylor swift popcorn bucket? oops you almost saw showtimes for the movie you wanted#not to worry we replaced those with the showtimes for taylor swift. which you obviously want to see.#we are going to shove this extremely average pop musician down your fucking throat for the entirety of 2023 is that okay.#beyonce is currently also on tour. the highest grossing tour of all time. and i dont hear abt it even a quarter as much as i hear abt eras.#so like. no this is not in correlation to her popularity its too fucking much. please leav me alone.
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#saga of the zoo job continues agjdkfl ok today was my first day alone on the register#and i’m at one of the kiosks aka away from any help lol#and the very first transaction i get there’s a error warning and i can’t ring them up 😭#so i just send that person to a different store and just am like wow. sure hope that doesn’t happen again#so ofc it happens to every other person#and i have a walkie but i was apparently using it wrong#so i just thought the manager was ignoring me for a while#but when i finally do it right and he comes over he just takes that customer away and leaves 😭#so i call again later and i’m like hey.. it’s still not working..#and he just comes over and has us shut down the whole kiosk a agdjkfkfl#aaaaaaaaaaa i was actually looking forward to just chilling on my own for a day but idk what they’re gonna have me do once i get back#hope it wasn’t me that fucked it up i genuinely don’t know wtf went wrong 😭#anyway i’ve gotten way too stressed abt that i need to calm down lol
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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i would like to thank any gods out there that the physics exam was in fact manageable and most questions worked like the ones i did manage to look over. no idea if i got to the correct conclusion but i'm pretty sure my formulas are all in order. i'm careful not to hope too much but i definitely didn't completely screw it up.
i would also like to thank the snow that i got to go home earlier.
i would also like to fight my french teacher and stop french classes immediately i don't understand a damn thing and there's too much grammar and i can't focus and i'm too demotivated to spend the time on it i should and i wanna cry
#a biscuit's rambles#EVEN IF I DONT USE THE SUBJONCTIF FRENCH PPL ARENT STUPID THEYLL KNOW WHAT I WANNA SAY#also leave me alone i was prepared for the way u usually test someone in class#not that#i woulda been able to handle that other stuff#also i KNEW my vocab okay that one phrase wasnt even in That vocab#we have two french lessons back-to-back on wednesdays and they make me wanna commit spontaneous self-ignition#just crumble to dust for a while. ill come back after french please and thank you#but hey physics went. well imma be a bit careful so i wont say well but better than expected for sure#at least thats done#now just small maths and politics tests on friday#and the spanish exam next week#and that other one in two weeks#and-- okay okay one exam at a time#im not gonna die but i will wish to be taken over by blue fungus for a prolonged if finite period of time
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there's something incredibly funny about the dynamic between me, fandomed your bible made them queers but has no actual extreme opinions about christianity because i think it's all made up and you can believe in whatever pleases you, and my best friend, somewhat orthodox (with a natural hatred for the church any actual christian should have), very lowkey and respectful towards everything, frowns at me when i slander the apostle john, but straight up believes with his whole chest paul was the antichrist and will argue with your 80 year old christian grandmother about it
#🧅#AND I CANT EVEN THROW IT BACK AT HIM WHEN HE CALLS /ME/ A HERETIC CAUSE LOWKEY? YEAH.#we hate paul. if paul has 100 haters i am one of them if paul has 10 haters i am one of them if paul has 2 haters i am one of them if paul#has one hater i am dead and it's my friend#''if youre mad at paul you should be mad at peter'' LEAVE PETER ALONE his rabbi just got crucified#mans was going through it its all paul's evil scheming#im mad at peter for other things. like hating women.#but fuck paul#peter was there he went through it he knows all about jesus#yknow what paul was doing while jesus was getting crucified instead ? killing the first christian martyr#and then he just went on to spew some bullshit and say that jesus came to him in a dream and told him so#while jesus' BROTHER was like ''actually thats bullshit he'd never say that''. and paul was like no he did <3 im a prophet <3#and then went on to spew more bullshit#and im not talking random obscure christian bullshit americans would create a whole new dogma over that doesnt even matter im talking#harmful bullshit#im talking ''hey jesus came to me in a dream and said we should convert everyone to christianity or they'll go to hell''#and james was like ''hey i dont think jesus said that exactly''#and paul was like ''no he did <3''#i fucking hate paul
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FUCKED UP THAT SOMEONE CAN SEE THEIR FRIEND IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THEN USE THAT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE!!! FUCKED UP THAT HE WOULDN'T TAKE KINDLY TO HIS OTHER FRIENDS HELPING HIM GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION SO WE CAN'T HELP AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO. FUCKED UP THAT SO MANY GOOD THINGS WILL BE TAINTED FOR HIM NOW. FUCKED UP THAT HE'LL LIKELY BE SO CLOSED OFF TO EVERYTHING NOW BECAUSE OF THEM!!!!!
#went to bed angry and woke up angry#yesterday was so good because I love my friends but so bad because. this situation makes me so sad.#it's so sad when my friends fucking hate themselves.#and it's a different hate than it was when my friends hated themselves in middle school#like I know how to deal with that sort of self-hatred but this is Different.#and I need to help differently but I don't know How#it's quiet and constant and just little comments that could almost be missed but.#those of us who Did hate ourselves in middle school (loudly and sporadically and yelling about it in the hallways)#we see this quiet hate and I don't know what to do. nobody has ever known when I've hated myself quietly and I don't know what would've-#-helped me so I don't know how to help them.#how much can I hold them until it's uncomfy. how much can I tell them I love them until they stop believing me.#it doesn't help that they're Men. I get how men feel this sadness but I don't know how they can be helped with it#(because again I was never helped with it. I'm so good at helping my Women friends but my Men friends I don't Know what to do)#it's not fair that they're so beautiful and kind and funny and attractive and they can't see that.#and I can't like date them to make them see it because I'm not good for a relationship and one of them is straight and the other just got-#-out of what is a horrible situationship THAT DEFINITELY DIDN'T HELP. with someone I was really close with in middle school and like I-#-didn't Raise them but I was more present and helpful than her parents in middle school and I feel like I raised him.#and I raised him better than this better than hurting your Close Friend by taking advantage of him. using him for the attention your real-#-parents wouldn't give you. leave him the fuck alone.#and like the situation is over but the effects are still present. and will be for a long fucking time.#I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE AND NOT LEAVE THEM FEELING BETTER ABOUT THEIR BODY.#I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE BE SO LOW AND LEAVE THEM THERE. OR BRING THEM DOWN FURTHER.#NOBODY EVER LEFT YOU WHERE YOU WERE UNTIL YOU GAVE US NO OTHER CHOICE. AND EVEN THEN WE KEPT TRYING TO BRING YOU UP.#BECAUSE YOU WERE OUR FRIEND AND WE LOVED YOU. AND WE EXPECTED YOU WOULD DO THE SAME.#HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF HIS CLOSEST FRIENDS. NO HE HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN PERFECT BUT HE WAS IN-#-MIDDLE SCHOOL. HE WAS A BABY WE WERE ALL BABIES AND WE ALL GOT BETTER. AND YOU DID NOT AND YOU MADE THAT HIS PROBLEM.#maybe you just didn't fucking listen to anything he's ever said maybe you were too busy thinking about how you could use him.#but he cares so much for you and he shares himself with you and you don't notice how much he hates?#AND THE TRUST ISSUES YOU AND ANOTHER PERSON WE USED TO HAVE INSTILLED IN OUR OTHER FRIEND.#HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DATE AGAIN WITHOUT BEING SCARED OF WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY ABOUT HIM.
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every time i see a post like that i am viscerally reminded of when i, at the age of fucking 9, told my mother i was worried because i was developing compulsions and she told me to stop faking things for attention
#reed.txt#9 year old me said ‘i think i have ocd’#and she went ‘no you don’t stop faking’#and i went ‘oh okay’ and very rarely asked for help with anything ever again <3#do you want to know why i have ocd? bc my mother told child me to lock up the horse trailer#WHICH I HAD NEVER DONE#and i did it WRONG#so the next day the door was ajar and she yelled at me#for what felt like forever#and now i compulsively check locks multiple times over and over to the point where it can take me 5-10 minutes to leave#i have rituals when i’m home alone i check and check again and then check once more and a final check just to be sure#in hindsight a lot was wrong with me that they never did anything about#negative cw#i guess?????
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