#and have not left me a moment to myself today
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
womenwoso · 1 day ago
Text
Thank you so much for the kind words on my last fic. It's really appreciated. Thank you to @helen-with-an-a for being amazing and proofreading. Hope you enjoy and requests are open. Please send in ideas.
Hard questions
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Mapí León was perched on the edge of the sofa, her eyes showing her exhaustion after a long day of practice. Fresh from a shower, her damp hair was wrapped in a towel when Clara burst into the room, her little face beaming with excitement.
“Mamí!” Clara exclaimed, her voice bubbling with enthusiasm. “I saw a picture of you in your Spain jersey at school today! You looked so happy, like me when I play football with you and all my tias. When do I get to play with them again? Why don’t you play for Spain anymore, do you not love Spain?
Mapí paused, Clara was in the stage of asking questions constantly, but this question hung in the air like a heavy cloud. She had anticipated this moment. Clara was getting old enough to ask tough questions—ones that carried a lot of history, choices, and feelings that Mapí had kept to herself but she hadn’t expected this question just yet.
For a brief moment, Mapí was silent, just gazing at her daughter, who was looking back at her with wide, innocent eyes, eager for a response.
“Clara, honey,” Mapí began gently, pulling her onto her lap, “It’s not that I don’t love playing for Spain anymore. I’ve always loved it. I still do.”
Clara tilted her head, clearly puzzled. “Then why don’t you play with my tias? You’re the best player! Tia Ale plays for Spain, so does Aita, Patri, Jana and Irene. All the girls play for a country there's a lot of countries more than just Spain. It's so cool. ”
Mapí let out a soft laugh, gently pushing a lock of hair away from Clara’s forehead. “You know, being the best doesn’t always cut it. Football is more than just skills—it’s about the teammates, the environment, and how you feel … on the inside.”
Clara looked puzzled, her little brain trying to process the information. “But … but you’re amazing, Mamí! You helped Spain win! Why wouldn’t they want you anymore?”
Mapí felt a weight in her chest. She had kept the real reasons for stepping back from the national team to herself, not wanting to overwhelm Clara with the complicated details. But now, her daughter deserved honesty, even if it was tough to share.
“Sometimes, Clara,” Mapí said, her voice thick with feeling, “sometimes the people in charge don’t treat you the way you should be treated. They don’t do their jobs properly and might end up hurting people. They might not recognise your worth. And when you feel that way for too long, it gets hard to keep going. When something like that happens, iIt hurts. And when something hurts, you have to think about what’s best for you.”
Clara paused, clearly processing everything. Mapí could see the little gears working in her brain. “So... you left … because they were … mean? … to you?”
Mapí gazed into her daughter’s eyes, so similar to her own, feeling a pang in her heart. “Sí carino, something like that. But it’s not just about being nice. It’s about feeling valued and … and being respected. Football is all about teamwork, but it is also based on trust and support. When those things are missing, it gets really tough to keep playing.”
Clara seemed to ponder this for a while, a little crinkle forming in her brow. Finally, she asked, “Are you going to go back?”
Mapí offered a gentle smile, a blend of sadness and hope shining in her eyes. “I’m not sure, nena. Sometimes, people need a little time to heal before they can return to something and sometimes you have to step away so the changes that need to be made can happen. Right now, I’m focusing on Barça and making sure I’m in a good place, where I can be the best version of myself …  the best Mamí I can be for you. I can’t promise I’ll ever play for Spain again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love the game or my country. I do. Always.”
Clara looked up at her mom, her tiny hands resting on Mapí’s arm. “I want you to play for Spain again. I want to see you in the jersey.”
Mapí’s heart warmed, her daughter’s words reminding her of the love that kept her going every day. “Maybe one day, pequeña. Maybe one day.”
The room fell silent for a moment, the heaviness of their talk hanging in the air. Mapi realised that Clara didn’t grasp everything completely, but she could see the love and hope shining in her daughter’s eyes. And honestly, that was enough for now.
With a gentle kiss on Clara’s forehead, Mapí pulled her in for a tight hug. “No matter what happens, you’ll always be my biggest supporter. That’s what really counts.”
Clara beamed, resting her head on her mom’s shoulder. “I’ll always cheer for you, Mamí. Forever.”
129 notes · View notes
monstertreden · 1 day ago
Note
◡̈⋆🅷🅸(●’◡’●)ノ!! saw that requests for writing is open, so I would like to politely and gladly request this 🤍
mutual pining with optimus prime and human fem reader!! and if possible, the timeline in the bumblebee film (2018) please. optimus is confused about the blossoming feelings he has for reader and seeks help from bumblebee since he has been on earth longer and assumes he knows better haha!! bumblebee is like his wingman :3c
sorry for yapping, but this is my request please and thank you 🥹🫶🏻 have a good one!!! <33
☁︎ RAINY DAYS ☁︎
Tumblr media
-Reader: FEM reader  -TW: none -Character: Optimus Prime (Transformers 2018 movie) -Summary: Optimus develops a quiet, protective affection for a human companion, treasuring their moments together. -Word count : 1453 -A/N: Ahhh this was so cutee!! I've tried my best, anon! :) It took me a bit to polish this one just trying to catch Optimus character better :3, hope you like it! . . . I love big robots.
The Prime stood in quiet contemplation, his optics flickering with the weight of his thoughts. Today the "Autobots base" was noiseless, except for the only sound in the room that came from a small TV. Its screen casted a faint glow, as his loyal companion, Bumblebee, zapped through various channels, each displaying what he presumed was human entertainment. The great leader of the Autobots had faced countless battles and made decisions that shaped the fate of Earth itself. Yet, now, he was confronted with a challenge that left him uncertain… his growing affection for a human.
He turned his helm towards Bumblebee, who was still tinkering with a small rectangular device, undoubtedly another human invention. The scout's dexterous servos moved with precision, his curiosity for human culture evident in every motion. That curiosity he had for humans was something else, Bumblebee had always been adept at understanding humans, particularly one individual who had become dear to the scout’s spark, a connection Optimus couldn’t quite wrap his helm around.
"Bumblebee, my dear friend." Optimus's voice rumbled inside the shed, to which the scout beeped in acknowledgement, blue optics lifting from the small device he held. For all his wisdom and experience, Optimus found the nuances of such personal connections… elusive, particularly when it came to matters involving a certain earth native. "I find myself in need of your counsel…” his voice steady but laced with an uncharacteristic hesitance. “…might I ask, how does one get acquainted with an earthling?”
Bumblebee's optics brightened with amusement. Lately, he had seen the Prime’s subtle shifts once he got closer to their human friend. To see the unshakeable pillar of their team, a leader who rarely wavered, seeking guidance on something as deeply personal as affection, from him! Knowing full well that too much teasing could get him grounded, once again, by the big boss, he suppressed a teasing comment.  
Shifting between radio stations, Bumblebee spoke "—that’s it!—might as well spend quality time with her—boss!”
The idea of approaching a human affectionately weighed heavily on Optimus. Deep down he was lost in thought, the alliance between humans and Autobots came first. However, this particular human had earned his respect, and gradually, he found himself warming up to her presence.
It was unexpected…
Ever attuned to his leader's demeanour nuances, Bumblebee softened his  veiled teasing, followed by his next suggestion “---You all go for--- a Joy Ride!---”
Racing with a pick-up truck? That would be too risky, perhaps even impractical. His alt mode was functional, built for resilience and reliability, not for speed or flashiness, neither a sports car nor a sleek vehicle.  It was a step he could take, though at his own pace.
"I thank you, dear friend" Optimus said, a note of gratitude in his voice. "Your insight is... most valuable."
.ᐟ.ᐟ
The sky had darkened, thick clouds gathering as a gentle rain began to fall. Subsequentially, the steady rhythm of the droplets intensified, each drop falling heavier than before. Amid the relentless rain, another sound broke through the downpour. It was the distinctive hum of an engine, accompanied by the sharp, glowing brilliance of the four headlights piercing through the rain. The pickup truck stood resolutely by the side of the road, its metallic frame shimmering as droplets clung to its surface.
The truck had been waiting patiently for an indeterminate time as then, through the haze of rain she appeared, huddled under a small red umbrella. Illuminated by the soft glow of a streetlamp, Optimus watched as she approached, her steps careful on the slick pavement. Once she reached his side, the door unlocked with a quiet click, inviting her inside. “Finally—” trembling, she climbed into the passenger seat, the door closing firmly behind her.
Inside, she was enveloped by the warmth of the front seats, a stark contrast to the cool rain outside. She set her umbrella aside and leaned back in the seat, with a contented sigh. "Thanks a lot for picking me up, Optimus" her voice resonated in his spark “I’m terribly sorry, I hope I didn’t make you wait too long under this damn rain! I swear, my weather said it was going to be cloudy...totally not this??”
"It is no trouble," Optimus replied, his voice a gentle rumble through the speakers. “I wouldn't want you walking in this kind of weather, you might get hurt. Never hesitate to give me a call, little one.”
Soon enough the engine started, and they drove in comfortable silence, the rain creating a soothing backdrop. Optimus found solace in these quiet moments, the presence of his human companion filling the space with an unspoken connection. He relished the opportunity to simply be near her, to share in the simplicity of the moment. This was his kind of “Joy ride”, a serene, intimate experience far removed from the high-energy adventures Bumblebee often took part in.
As they neared her home, the glow of streetlights casting soft halos on the rain-slicked road, she turned slightly, her gaze thoughtful. "You know," she began "I’ve always appreciated how you make time for me. It means a lot."
Optimus's spark swelled with an emotion that, despite his longevity and vast experience since he first came online, he was still learning to fully understand. "Your companionship brings me a sense of peace," he admitted, the sincerity in his tone unmistakable. "It is a privilege to be a part of your world."
Her hand reached out, soft fingers brushing against the dashboard in a gesture of affection. “And it's a privilege to have you in mine, truly"  she whispered, her voice barely audible over the hum of the engine. She knew he could hear her, loud and clear, even if he didn’t respond immediately. There was a quiet understanding between them, one that was broken by his warm voice, drawing her attention.
“Would you like to hear some stories, my little friend?”
.ᐟ.ᐟ
An hour had passed, her eyelids grew heavy and she found herself lulled by the light sway of the truck. It was a rare moment of peace in a world often filled with chaos. Here, cradled in the safety of Optimus Prime, she allowed herself to drift into a peaceful slumber, trusting completely in the steadfast guardian who was carrying her home.
“---This brings many memories in my circuit” Optimus mused softly “The first steps we Autobots took on your lively, vibrant planet. It’s a bittersweet feeling, filled with nostalgia…” His words trailed off as he realized she had succumbed to sleep, her form gently resting against the cushion seat. “oh…” His words had continued longer than he intended. She had fallen asleep, her head resting against the cushioned seat.
His engine hummed quietly as he turned the corner by her house. With a slow, deliberate movement, the Prime transformed. His massive frame shifted awkwardly, yet he was careful enough to avoid any disruption.
With utmost care, his servos extended towards her,  cradling her sleeping form. She stirred slightly but did not wake, her trust in him evident in her relaxed posture. As if in the hands of someone who would never harm her.
Attentive optics caught sight of the slightly open window. Soon, Optimus approached it, parting it with a click, careful not to make a sound. The rain had all but ceased, leaving the night air cool and fresh. With ultimate precision, he laid her down on her bed, tucking the blanket around her in a gesture that felt almost human. He lingered for a moment, his optics soft, his gaze filled with a tenderness that reflected his deep sense of protectiveness. She was safe here, in the comfort of her own room, sheltered from the outside world.
He stood there for a moment, his optics soft as he gazed at her peaceful expression. "Goodnight," he whispered, his voice a deep murmur. "May the stars always guide you."
.ᐟ.ᐟ
As he quietly stepped back from the window, miraculously avoiding breaking the glass, the Prime remained near her backyard, his massive form casting a shadow over the wall of her house. The soft hum of his systems settled into a quiet vigil, ensuring her safety throughout the night. There Optimus found solace in the knowledge that, for now, as long as he was with her, she would be safe and sound. With the Autobots' base under control, he decided to linger near her home, keeping a watchful optic on her,  a silent but devoted promise of protection and care.
The faint light of the stars reflected in his optics as the night enveloped him while he transformed back into his vehicle mode.
Tomorrow would be another day.
147 notes · View notes
whatevertheweather · 1 day ago
Text
Tumblr media
Thank you for the tags today @confused-bi-queer @thewholelemon @artsyunderstudy @monbons!
Look at me posting two WIP days in a row? Wild. I haven't written anything new for fandom, but I have more I can share from the WIP I mentioned last time, and I'll give a little more context too. First though, I deeply enjoyed and for some reason didn't expect people's guesses about the suit. (Closest was EVA/spacesuit, but that's still not the answer, sorry.)
For that little bit of context I mentioned, this is sci-fi/horror. Which you will not pick up on from the snippets I'm sharing, because most of what I've written so far is the most important and thus highly-spoiler-filled stuff, so all I can share are the earlier/lighter moments. Such as this one. Under the cut because whoops it's not six sentences.
Baz had stopped responding to him a while ago, but that was fine. Expected. Simon was more than capable of vengefully holding both sides of the conversation himself if Baz couldn’t bother to contribute. “You know the first thing I’m gonna do with the suspicious amount of money you’re paying me?” Simon asked as he clipped in. “I’m getting a roast beef sandwich. Real, imported roast beef. None of that synthetic shit. I bet—” “Why?” Baz interrupted. He sounded as baffled as his own question left Simon. “What do you mean why?” Simon said, testing his weight against it even though the suit said it was sound. “Because I’ve never had it, and now I can. Real roast beef, Baz, did you hear that part? Real. You had that?” “Of course, but it’s not—it’s not the luxury you’re making it out to be.” “The fuck it's not,” Simon said, pulling himself upright again. “I’d have to commit multiple crimes to get my hands on it, and your rich ass says ‘of course' about having it. Luxury.” “That doesn’t make it the delicacy you’re imagining,” Baz insisted. “It’s not very good.” “Why don't you want me to have dreams? This is how people like you keep people like me underground. I’ll decide whether it was worth it when I climb out of this hole myself, thanks.”
Does that give you a better idea of what's going on? It's at least definitely misleading you to believe there will be more happy-go-lucky banter than they'll have the opportunity for :)
Tags and hellos for @fatalfangirl @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @mooncello @iamamythologicalcreature @cutestkilla
@ivelovedhimthroughworse @bluedahlia912 @facewithoutheart @moodandmist @martsonmars
@whogaveyoupermission @aristocratic-otter @bookish-bogwitch @youarenevertooold @noblecorgi
@run-for-chamo-miles @rimeswithpurple @alexalexinii @ileadacharmedlife
and anyone and everyone else <3
23 notes · View notes
prettyinpikk · 2 days ago
Text
Tumblr media
This is a multi-part series. Credit for both OCs in this goes to @norvstforthvwickvd, and I want to thank my bestie @sologenny for helping me write this series.♡
Terry Richmond x OC! Stormi Montoya
18+, Augst, fluff, mention of shooting, killing, dying, and death, blood, childhood friends to lovers dynamic, choking, kissing, dom and sub, p in v, bondage, blindfolding, gagging, roleplaying, and hair pulling.
This is part 1 of A Soldier's Duty
Hector’s POV:
“ALL RIGHT CADETS! GET READY TO FIRE!” screamed my sergeant.
We were currently in Berlin, Germany for war. I was ready for anything to come my way. I had both guns loaded, and a cannon behind me just in case the enemy got too close, or tried to come from behind. My other team members were lined up just how we were taught, and how we practiced. We were just waiting for the German army to strike before us. Anyone or thing that tried to come at us would be completely debunked because of how much we’ve prepared for this very moment.
I saw a German soldier running toward our line, and our sergeant screamed “FIRE!” That was the only thing I heard before all the shots started firing. I watched each and every German soldier’s body drop towards the floor while our soldiers ran towards their bodies and stole their guns. We needed their guns to make sure that we had extra supplies since the US didn’t want to send more until the middle of December.
One by one, people were falling to their knees and I saw so many lifeless bodies, wondering if this was the end of any families’ hope and faith. Making sure that I wouldn’t be one of those bodies. I couldn’t leave the family I had back in America. Not now. Not today. Especially when I have Stormi waiting for me to come home.
“SHOOT THE CANNON!” We all heard Sergeant yelling repeatedly. A group of three, myself and two other soldiers, went towards the cannon. I completely forgot that I wasn’t supposed to leave the barricades that we’d set up abandoned. I had left my other team members to fend for themselves, when I’m one of the strongest people who’s enrolled, well that’s what I thought. I quickly realized my mistake after I shot the cannon and felt a warm feeling in my chest. I looked down to see blood coming straight out of my chest while I tried to put my hand over my chest to try to stop the bleeding. It wasn’t working. All I could think of at this moment was Stormi. And how she might never see me again if I don’t get medical help right now.
“While he entangled his hands in my hair, I made sure to open my mouth as wide as possible- WOAH! Stormi, what the hell do you have me reading?” I asked my younger sister as she wanted to show me this new book she’s been writing.
“What? It’s just called smut Hector. The writing class that I signed up for wants me to step out of my comfort zone, and the teacher said that it could be anything. It’s not like I’m gonna share this one out though.” She said as she shrugged her shoulders while eating a gogurt pack.
“Well tell your teacher to stop making you step out of your comfort zone. Got me reading shit that YOU don’t even need to be writing OR experiencing. Don’t let me catch you actually doing this shit Stormi.” I said while I mugged her and handed her book back.
Her teacher can keep the whole assignment. I want nothing to do with it and I hope she gets an A on whatever the hell that was.
~~~~~
I tried my hardest to run and get some help so they could dislodge the bullet. But I was too late. I didn’t know what to do. I was falling over my own feet and everything around me was fading. My vision was getting blurry and I just barely saw two soldiers coming to pick me up. I fought to keep my eyes open, but it wasn’t working. The only thing left on my mind was my sister. I can’t let her forget about me. “M-make sure t-to tell Stormi Montoy-ya I love h-her.” And with that, I officially closed my eyes.
~A week later ~
Stormi’s POV:
I was sitting in my office writing an overview for this article that my boss needed for a deadline that was pretty close before receiving a knock on the door. “Coming!” I yelled out at the continuing knock.
“Alright, alright I’m here!” I opened the door to see two marines standing there in their camo uniforms with an envelope, a folded flag, and a plaque of medals. “Are you Stormi Montoya?” one of the soldiers asked. “Yes, I am w-what’s going on?” I held onto the door for support not wanting to believe what was happening in front of me. “We as soldiers of this country are here to present you the medals and flag of your late brother Cadet Hector Montoya who passed in the line of duty Monday-” “OH GOD NOOO!” I let out my cries of terror as the cadet continued with the speech but I couldn’t care less my brother was dead. I stood there with my legs barely able to hold my body up as tears fell from my face and my body shaking with sorrow as I took the things from the soldiers and just closed the door, left with a big empty feeling in my chest. 
I looked down at the envelope that had my name on it in his handwriting on the front. Tears overflowed my vision as I broke down more, the grief taking over every inch of my body finally falling to my knees, cradling everything to my chest. “Hector!…. HECTOR!” I called and cried for my big brother pleading for him to come back. It was the same feeling that took over my life when our parents passed after I went to college. “Please Hector, I can’t be alone like this, you know I hate that. You promised to always come back.”
“Hector, where are you going?” I asked him as he packed a bag to go by Terry’s for the weekend. “I’m going by Terry’s house for the weekend. You know this Stormer I told you this five times already.” He said with a roll of his eyes but I knew he wasn’t really annoyed with me because of the affectionate nickname he always called me when he knew I was actually worried. “You’ll come back right?” I asked as I stood next to him. My 7-year-old self said in my Disney princess nightgown and bunny slippers. “Yea I'm coming back Stormer it’s only for the weekend and plus I’m your big brother I always come back.” Was the last thing he said before he gave a gap tooth smile.
I finally calmed down enough after a while to look at the letter that Hector wrote to me. I flipped it over to the back taking out the folded piece of paper, I felt another wave of tears wanting to come out again. I opened it to read:
Dear Stormer,
 “Oh God,” I said my voice cracking.
I missed you very much sis I want wanted to come home and tell ya about the crazy ass training I went through before the war in Berlin for the holidays and taste the cherry pie you said wanted to try to make on your own and to read over your recent works that you wrote. But if you got this letter that sadly means none of that can happen… Now I don’t you to go crying over me and the fact that I’m not here anymore. That doesn't mean I’m not still here for you. I want you to keep writing so maybe in the future you can show your kids all of your work like you did with me, but they’d probably end up being nerds like you and go write novels or something. I don't know, you always had the brains for stuff like this. Anyways I just want you to take care of yourself and even if you feel like you can’t Terry will look out for you. Just call him and he’ll answer for you. He promised me he would pick up where I left off if anything happened to me, to look out for you. I want you to be okay Stormer even if I'm not there. I just want you to be okay and you are not alone.
-Love your big brother, Hector
After reading the whole letter I just sat in the middle of my living room processing what I just read. My mind raced over the words, again and again, my pain flourishing into anger and hurt it was like he was ready to die as if he gave up the moment he stepped foot onto that field but I knew it was my mind and heart going through the stages of grief but I couldn’t help it, I already lost my parents and now my brother I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. 
I got up from the floor, putting my brother’s things down on the coffee table before I headed upstairs to my room and just flopped down on the bed. The side effects of me crying finally caught up to me causing me to drift off to sleep. Maybe I’ll wake up and this would all be a bad dream.
20 notes · View notes
sealochs · 3 days ago
Text
had a moment of total overwhelm after the movers left earlier today, staring at the contents of mum's house that i've been keeping in storage & worrying i'd never find a place for it all. but this afternoon & evening of unpacking her my our things has been so beautiful. everything i've unwrapped has had so many memories attached, so much familiarity. it's a joy to fill my first home with her things. her snoopy cookie jar. the royal doulton dinner service. all of her well-used, well-seasoned le creuset. the denby tea set that we made multiple trips to stoke-on-trent to collect, & which i think of every time i drive the a50. my grandad's bone-handled carving set. the cut crystal wine glasses that must have been a wedding present. endless snoopy mugs. my grandma's bamboo cutting board. baking trays i remember using as a child. the silver cutlery. & mixed in with it all, a coffee cup i stole from pembroke formal as an undergraduate. the pots i've made this past year with my own hands. funny mugs that beloved friends have gifted me. the wusthof knives i bought myself in lockdown. the rest of the flat is a mess but the kitchen is mine & home & hers & lovely.
23 notes · View notes
uceyliyahh · 14 hours ago
Text
Tumblr media
NOVACANE
Summary: After dealing with a traumatic event in Desiree's past life she decided to keep her heart closed off and didn't have any desire to love again until she met him.
Tumblr media
smut warning; it’ll come in the story randomly so PLEASE, PLEASE look out for it I’m not really good at writing ✍🏽 smuts but I’m improving at the moment.
word count: 4392
Jey Uso x Desiree
AWFUL GRAMMAR IM GETTING BETTER I SWEAR LOL.
comments, likes, repost are appreciated I would love the constructive feedback in what area I need to approve in. 🤍
ALSO! I don’t not want nobody stealing my fanfics or take it as theirs that will be an issue fasho so keep it cute respectfully.
I only own my OC along with the make up scenarios
But I’ll be writing along the way since this story is in my drafts on Wattpad right now so yuh. 💁🏽‍♀️
TAGS ⬇️ lmk if you wanna be tag 🏷️@pinkwithhearts @420days @jstarr86 @empressdede @angiedawn02 @biancasreign
@bebesobrielo @skyesthebomb @aikosilo @papireigns-05 @punksyeet @paigereeder @magnificentbouquetmusic
@hunnidmilly @celesteheartsjey @charmed-dreamssss @fearlesschimera @partypoison00 @mselenalovebug @bloodlinesbabe93 @luvrsluxe @4milly @xbriexx @trippinsorrows @yyaktayak
Ø6
"I will love you forever mama,"
"You have to trust me I'm not going anywhere,"
"I don't want her only you okay? Only you,"
"I'm not going to leave you baby,"
DESIREE Jey's weekend visit came to an end all too quickly as he had to catch a flight back for Monday Night Raw. I felt a wave of sadness wash over me; I wished he could have stayed just a bit longer. Time flew by, and I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting more moments together. However, I didn't want to come off as clingy, so I decided to keep my feelings to myself and let him go.
I truly cherished our weekend together. Jey treated me like a princess, showering me with affection and attention, much like a little girl receiving her very first doll. I felt the urge to argue that he didn’t have to pamper me so, but he was determined to do it anyway, believing wholeheartedly that I deserve nothing less than the best.
Jey mentioned that he would message me as he approaches his hotel room, and I sincerely hope that no one else will be there by that time. In the meantime, I enjoyed a day off from work today, using my iPad to craft fresh designs for my clients. My boss was really impressed with my tattoo concepts and has asked me to showcase them.
I was thrilled because I have a genuine passion for drawing, especially on people. I eagerly anticipated my first day at the new job, as the strip club had become overwhelming for me ever since Jayden showed up and put me in a chokehold.
I received intimidating messages from him, and to make matters worse, the girls at my workplace were starting to learn about Jey. It really upset me, but I felt reluctant to discuss it.
 As I was using my iPad, a message from Bianca popped up, and I couldn't help but feel a wave of nostalgia for my best friend. I really miss her at this moment.
IMESSAGE 💬 Binky💗: Heyyy Desiii Desi🫶🏽: Heyyy girly I miss you Binky💗: I miss you too, how are things going right now? Desi🫶🏽: it's going fine Binky💗: how are you and Jey? Desi🫶🏽: girl, please don't start Binky💗: Desiree don't act like I didn't see you all posted up with him on your close friends 😭 Desi🫶🏽: ugh fine 🙄 we are doing good but he left for Monday Night Raw im worried B Binky💗: why? Desi🫶🏽: because anything could happen while we are away from each other Binky💗: oh? You're attached to him aren't you? Desi🫶🏽: no? I'm not Binky💗: Desi? I know you Desi🫶🏽: I'm not attached to him Bianca Binky💗: you're beautiful your denying it just admit that you're in love with him Desi🫶🏽: I'm not!🥲🥲 Binky💗: so this wasn't yall on your close friends? Binky💗:
Tumblr media
Desi🫶🏽: I hate you so much yk? But yes I love the man he's so caring and genuine Binky💗: then what's the issue? Desi🫶🏽: we are away from each other and idk what he'll do while we are away ik how busy yall get Binky💗: see what did I say? Jey loves you so much Desi🫶🏽: I doubt that honestly who knows who he's talkin too rn B Binky💗: Desi you gotta stop being In your head about this he loves you Desi🫶🏽: idkkk honestly Binky💗: you need some dick atp girl Desi🫶🏽: 🙄🙄 dick won't help at all Bianca Binky💗: it will Desiree look don't get inside your head that much that will drain you okay? I gotta go I'll check up on you later Desi🫶🏽: kk
 Reflecting on my conversation with Bianca, I realize she might have a point. Perhaps I shouldn't overthink this situation. This man has consistently shown me that his intentions are genuine and that I am his sole focus. Yet, my past experiences with Jayden have made it difficult for me to fully accept that reality.
Sometimes my heart whispers that I love him, but my mind counters with doubts, insisting he doesn't feel the same. This overthinking is exhausting, so I immerse myself in creating designs on my iPad, trying to distract myself from the turmoil within.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇
JEY I was in a hotel room with my twin brother and Trinity when I came across a story posted by Desiree on my social media feed. To my surprise, it appeared she was creating something on her iPad. I was truly amazed; I had no idea she had such impressive design skills!
I truly felt her absence after our wonderful weekend together; it flew by in the blink of an eye. Returning to work was tough, and I can't help but wish she could join me on all my adventures. However, I completely understand that she needs to focus on her job to earn her keep, and I respect that immensely.
I received numerous messages from Ke'liyah on Instagram asking when I would return to Tennessee to visit her, but I chose to ignore them, focusing solely on Desiree. As I was scrolling through my social media, I suddenly heard Jon calling my name, which made me stop and pay attention.
"What's up Uce?" I asked placing my phone down on my chest.
"When are we going to meet Desiree? Trin told me she already met her the other day when Desiree came to visit," he said
I chuckle at him, "y'all will see her soon with all of this traveling and her working its goin to be a minute," Jonathan nodded his head.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and as I glanced at the screen, I noticed it was another message from Ke'Liyah. A deep sigh escaped me, drawing Trinity's gaze.
"You good Jey?"
"Yeah, I'm good it's just this girl I met before Desiree at the strip club is blowing my phone up," I replied.
"What she saying?"
I shared the messages from Ke'Liyah with her, and I could see her expression change as she read them. "That girl is really acting out; it honestly looks like she's jealous of Desiree," she remarked, and I nodded in agreement.
IG MESSAGES 💬 ke'liyah: Jeyyy I miss you uceyjucey: I don't? I have a girlfriend ke'liyah: Desiree? she's not even all of that why would deal with someone like her? uceyjucey: because I can? stop blowing up my phone why don't you start talking to my cousin he single 😒 ke'liyah: but I want you Jey uceyjucey: well I don't again I have a girl at home waiting for me to come home so you can stop messing with me respectfully ke'liyah: mmcht the dick wasn't even that good anyways little dick nigga uceyjucey: 😭😭
This girl really had the audacity to say something like that about me, but honestly, I wasn't bothered—I never liked her much anyway. I had promised Desiree that I would text her as soon as I got to the hotel room, and that's exactly what I did.
IMESSAGE 💬 Joshua💵: mamas? I made it Desiree🦋: hey that's good Joshua💵: you okay? Desiree🦋: yeah, I'm fine just watching a movie on Netflix hbu? Joshua💵: I'm just chilling right now you should watch Monday night Raw tonight Desiree🦋: just to see you? Joshua💵: exactly mama Desiree🦋: you're funny but I'll make sure to watch it tonight Joshua💵: aight, I miss yo' little cute ass already Desiree🦋: I miss you too big papa Joshua💵: big papa? 🫣 that's new baby Desiree🦋: please 😭 Joshua💵: send me a picture of yo' cute ass need something in my gallery Desiree🦋: we literally took pictures together all weekend Joshua Joshua💵: so? Send me some pictures Desiree🦋: aight hollon boy 🙄 Joshua💵: it's daddy baby doll Desiree🦋: yeah yeah whatever Desiree🦋:
Tumblr media
Joshua💵: damn mama you making me want to come right the fuck back home looking like that 😩 Desiree🦋: boy please stop it Joshua💵: I'm fr baby them cheeks hanging out for me 🙂‍↕️ Desiree🦋: then come home Joshua💵: being bold I see? I wish I could mama but I have to be at work you'll see me again love Desiree🦋: ughhh fine 😖 Joshua💵: don't be whining or imma give you something to whine about when I come back home Desiree🦋: what the fuck ever nigga, tell Trin I said Hey Joshua💵: aight then mama I'll check up on you later I love you Desiree🦋: I-I love you too... Joshua💵: don't hesitate to say it mama you know I love you
She is aware of her feelings for me, yet her thoughts are clouding her judgment, making it hard for her to accept that my love for her is genuine. Desiree understands the situation, but I couldn't help but notice Jonathan's constant presence on my phone, which caught me off guard.
"Damn! Fool can't be sneaking up on folks like that," I said while pushing him while he chuckled at me.
"My fault Uce, my fault," Jonathan said.
"Need to get a damn private screen on my phone, yo' ass like to be nosy Trin come get yo' husband," Trinity grabbed Jon by the hair dragging him towards the other bed causing him to whine like a baby.
I chuckled at them two while continuing to scroll through my social media after texting Desiree.
OMNISCIENT Desiree was at work, gracefully dancing on the pole, her focus consumed by the rhythm and the cash being tossed her way. While the money brought her a sense of satisfaction, her thoughts drifted anxiously, wishing to avoid the sight of Jayden and his friends arriving that night. Without Jey by her side, she felt vulnerable and unprotected.
As she gracefully spun around the pole, she effortlessly transitioned into a split, showcasing her remarkable talent. The men watched in awe, clearly impressed by her skills. In admiration, they began to place money into her attire while she playfully blew kisses in their direction.
Desiree did manage to form a few friendships in this environment, yet she consistently maintained a certain distance. She was determined to avoid any potential drama with the other girls, who seemed primarily focused on their own interests, seeking both financial gain and the spotlight from the men around them.
She suddenly noticed a crowd entering, and to her astonishment, it was Jayden. Overwhelmed with uncertainty, she felt his gaze lock onto her as he made his way through the throng, pushing the men aside to reach her directly.
He stepped onto the stage and seized her by the throat, leaving her shocked and taken aback by his sudden aggression.
"Where's that nigga at Desiree?" Jayden questioned her.
"H-he's not here...let me go..." she said holding onto his wrist.
Jayden scoffed while rolling his eyes at her, "that's bullshit Desiree and you know it where is he?!" He shouted.
Desiree felt a surge of fear for her life, haunted by vivid memories from three years prior.
MINI FLASHBACK (domestic violence) Desiree and Jayden found themselves in a heated argument in the car, sparked by a betrayal that Jayden had committed without her knowledge. In a moment of anger, he struck her in the face, warning her that he would flip the car if she didn’t stop talking. Terrified for her life, she fell silent, realizing the danger of being with someone capable of such violence.
"I told yo' delusional ass that me and her didn't fuck around Desiree!" Jayden shouted.
"You're so fucking stupid,"
Desiree remained quiet, her thoughts swirling as she gazed out the window at the setting sun. She longed for an end to the tension that hung between them, hoping that soon, this chapter of their lives would close.
He was infuriated when she remained silent, seizing her chin with a firm grip and locking his gaze onto hers without hesitation. "bitch you better speak or imma fuck yo' ass up when we get home," his threats were scaring her to the bone having tears forming up in her eyes.
"I don't have nothing to say Jayden..." Desiree said.
"Oh? So now you don't have anything to say but a few hours go your ass was yapping up a fucking storm about me messing with ol' girl,"
She remained silent because the truth of her earlier words was undeniable. She had gone through his phone and discovered numerous messages exchanged with various women, yet now she was sitting there, trying to deny everything.
Desiree turned her face from his grasp, her gaze drifting back to the window as a tear rolled down her cheek, overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness.
 "There are moments when I just can't take it anymore, Desiree. Your constant overthinking and assumptions drive me to this point. It's not my fault that I'm currently unfaithful; I've found myself with multiple women, and it's all because of how overwhelming you can be."
Tears streamed down her face as she listened to him confess his infidelity. She knew she needed to walk away, but the thought of leaving him felt impossible; she simply lacked the strength to do so.
The entire car journey was filled with silence; neither of them uttered a word after he admitted to his infidelity. His confession shattered Desiree's heart, yet she allowed her thoughts to overwhelm her.
'See you're not enough for him or nobody,'
'You will never find someone different due to how you think,'
'You will never be enough,'
"No nigga will be able to deal with you, they'll just cheat on you like I did," Jayden said while chuckling.
FLASHBACK OVER
"I literally just told y-you...he's not here!" she managed to gasp out.
Jayden was on the verge of hitting her when suddenly someone yanked him away, leaving Desiree gasping for breath as she sank to her knees. She watched in disbelief as the security guard escorted him and his friends out of the building once more.
"THIS AINT OVER WITH DESIREE! IMMA KILL HIM!" he shouted while the security guards were escorting him out the building.
Desiree had never experienced embarrassment until that moment. As she sprinted toward the locker room, seeking refuge from the world outside, her body trembled uncontrollably, and her breath came in ragged gasps. Memories of the turmoil Jayden had caused her over their three years together flooded her mind, intensifying her feelings of distress.
Desiree reached a breaking point after enduring countless threats of violence—beatings, shootings, stabbings—each one weighing heavily on her mind. The fear and anxiety became unbearable, compelling her to seek a restraining order against him. With Jey often away for work, she felt isolated and without support, leaving her to confront this terrifying situation on her own. It was time to take a stand and reclaim her safety.
Amidst her tears, she resolved to pull herself together and focus on her work, driven by the desire to cap off the evening by watching her man wrestle tonight.
Desiree freshened up her face, carefully fixing her makeup that had smudged, and confidently returned to the pole, acting as if nothing had occurred.
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ Desiree arrived home just in time to catch Jey on Monday Night Raw. She kicked off her shoes and tossed her bag onto the couch as she made her way to the kitchen to prepare a quick meal.
She whipped up a quick mini Chicken Caesar Salad and grabbed a bottle of water as she made her way to the living room to catch Monday Night Raw. Settling into the couch, she tuned in to Michael Cole and Pat discussing the latest happenings on the show.
Recently, there was a recap of the latest events on Raw, highlighting the intriguing love story unfolding between Jey and Liv, which also involves Dom. This unexpected twist took Desiree by surprise for a moment.
Following the recap, Liv and Jey engaged in a conversation backstage about Dom. Desiree observed Jey's familiar gestures as he interacted with Liv, his hands exploring her in a way that mirrored their own moments together. This sight ignited a whirlwind of thoughts in her mind, leaving her feeling both intrigued and unsettled.
'You see that Desiree?'
'Remember what Jayden told you in the past,'
'And look it's happening,'
Desiree found herself trapped in her thoughts, a place she wished to avoid. The idea of her man being with another woman filled her with a deep sense of trauma. She couldn't tell if it was just a plot twist or something more personal, but the discomfort was overwhelming. It reached a point where she simply didn't want to continue watching.
She dismissed it as usual, her attention fixed on the unfolding match. As the game progressed, her thoughts began to drift in every direction.
Overthinking
Overthinking
Constantly Overthinking
She couldn't shake the feeling of inadequacy after witnessing his chemistry with Liv Morgan. The way he gazed at her, his lips glistening as he licked them while she spoke, made her question her own worth. Liv's beauty seemed to overshadow her, leaving her lost in a spiral of self-doubt.
MINI FLASHBACK 2 (domestic violence)
"Am I not enough for you Jayden? I have given you everything," Desiree said while folding her arms over her chest.
Jayden shrugged his shoulders at her before speaking, "I don't know Desiree, you tell me honestly," he said while smoking a blunt.
 His casual attitude towards everything was completely unsettling for her. She realized that discussing it with him would be pointless. Frustrated, Desiree raised her hands in exasperation and made her way upstairs to their bedroom to pack some clothes.
Desiree reached her breaking point after three years of feeling undervalued in their relationship. It was exhausting to watch him act as if she were insignificant, all while he was sneaking around, taking advantage of her tendency to overthink. She deserved so much more than this lack of respect and consideration.
Three years wasted down the fucking drain.
She packed a few essentials and made the decision to call an Uber to a hotel located far from his place, eager to escape his presence for good. As she descended the stairs with her bag slung over her shoulder, she caught his eye while slipping on her shoes, signaling her determination to leave.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Jayden questioned her.
"I need a break from all of this Jayden,  to think things over," she said while waiting on her Uber driver to come.
He rose from his chair with a heavy stomp, making his way toward her. In a swift motion, he yanked her hair, causing her to yelp in surprise. As Desiree met his gaze, she could see the intense fire burning in his eyes, drawing her closer to his face.
"If you thinking about leaving me I'll kill yo' ass you hear me?" His threats were sending shivers down her spine while she nodded her head.
"I'll let you have yo' alone time but you better be back," Jayden pulls away making Desiree stumble a bit while she rubbed her hair while looking at him with fear in her eyes.
'I need to fucking leave before he tries to kill me, why god did I have to go through this?' Thats all she could think about at the moment seeing her Uber driver pulling up to the place.
She cast one final glance at him before stepping out, only to find him engrossed in his phone, smiling at something that had never brought a smile to his face for her. With a heavy sigh, she walked out and firmly closed the door behind her.
Desiree stepped into the Uber, exchanging a friendly greeting with the driver. Her gaze then locked onto Jayden, who stood by the window in their house, observing her intently as if she were a captivating target.
'She fucking hated his guts,'
FLASHBACK OVER
Desiree jolted back to reality, realizing she had been lost in her thoughts for too long. She quickly checked her social media to catch up on the latest happenings. Her heart raced when she spotted a story from Liv Morgan, showcasing a picture of her getting cozy with Jey. The sight sent a rush of emotions through her.
She attempted to convince herself that it might all be a performance, merely a part of the spectacle, yet deep down, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that relocating to Atlanta with him was a mistake.
Desiree made the choice to switch off the TV, no longer interested in watching Monday Night Raw. As she tossed her food in the trash, she headed upstairs to her room.
She collapsed onto the bed, tears welling up in her eyes. How could she have been so naive to believe that someone like Jey could ever love someone like her? This thought consumed her as she cried, her breath growing increasingly shallow.
She was mentally fucked up
Hurt
Damaged
She could sense that Jey was growing weary of her constant overthinking and assumptions, just as Jayden had before. It felt like a painful cycle repeating itself. Perhaps she wasn't the right match for Jey after all—feeling shattered and mentally exhausted.
Desiree chose to take a brief shower, hoping that the refreshing water would wash away her worries and bring her some much-needed tranquility.
Desiree enjoyed a refreshing, lengthy shower and chose to activate the do not disturb mode on her phone. She wanted to immerse herself in her own world without interruptions. With her wireless headphones in hand, she placed them comfortably on her head and started playing her favorite music.
As she scrolled through her playlist, she hit play on Drake's "Find Your Love." The heartfelt lyrics filled the room, and as she absorbed the music, she glanced at her notifications. To her surprise, Jey had sent her a message, likely puzzled by her Do Not Disturb status.
Joshua💵 sent a message
IMESSAGE 💬 Joshua💵: mamas? you good? why is your phone on DND?
Desiree was uncertain about discussing the issue with him, fearing it might upset him. To avoid confrontation, she chose to fabricate a story, hoping he wouldn't catch on to her deception.
Desiree🦋: I'm okay Joshua just had a long day today that's all Joshua💵: you sure? Desiree🦋: positive Joshua💵: un-un I'm not buying it what's wrong? Desiree🦋: Joshua.... Joshua💵: nah I'm not listening to that whining what's wrong Desiree? Desiree🦋: you'll just leave me and get tired eventually...😔 Joshua💵: huh? where is this all coming from? Desiree🦋: I seen you with her Joshua💵: Liv? Baby that's just for the show it's not real Desiree🦋: then what about what she had posted on her social media? Joshua💵: I didn't know that she was going to post that I promise you it's not real mama Desiree🦋: your positive u didn't know? Joshua💵: yes mama why would I lie? Desiree🦋: men lie all the time Josh Joshua💵: like I told you I'm not him or any other man who does stupid shit like that Joshua💵: I want you to believe me baby Desiree🦋: I'm sorry a lot has been happening today...had a horrible day at work tonight and then I saw the interaction between you and her and the way you was looking at her licking your lips staring into her eyes made me feel like you wanted her instead of me...😔 Joshua💵: I don't want her baby girl, I want you and only you you have been on my mind all day today Desiree🦋: really? Joshua💵: yes, what happened at work? Desiree🦋: Jayden came back looking for you and he was being aggressive with me Joshua💵: that bitch ass boy? bet its on sight when I come back home but mama you have to trust me okay? I told you I'm serious about you and us Desiree🦋: and I told you in the beginning that you'll get tired of me with me being in my head a lot Joshua💵: and I told you that I didn't care about none of that Desiree imma love tf outta you the way you needed to be
The message he sent resonated deeply; he was genuinely serious about everything. Why did she constantly overthink when a man like him was openly expressing his love for her?
Joshua💵: I'm yours Desiree nobody isn't goin to take me away from you Desiree🦋: okay I'm sorry... Joshua💵: it's okay mamas you don't need to apologize you know I love you Desiree🦋: I do too...really do... Joshua💵: yeah? You'll see me when I come back home baby doll aight? Desiree🦋: aight Joshua💵: imma let you get some rest baby I'll text you in the morning Desiree🦋: kk Joshua💵: I love you Desiree🦋: I love you too
Desiree, after an insightful discussion with Jey, realized it was time to retire for the night. She couldn't help but wish that Jey were there beside her, wrapped in a warm embrace, providing her with the comfort and security she craved.
She quickly entered his bedroom, which appeared far cozier than her own. As she stepped into his spacious closet, she grabbed one of his hoodies and slipped it on. Then, she settled into his bed, feeling completely at ease.
She started sharing posts exclusively with her close friends on Instagram because she had a small circle and wanted to keep her personal life private from prying eyes.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
uceyjucey replied to your story: I miss you too baby I'll see if I can make time to come home to see you my people wanna meet you
biancabelairwwe replied to your story: GIRL YALL LOOK SO CUTE TOGETHER OVER HERE SAYING U DONT LOVE THAT MAN WHEN YOU DO 😭😭
y2kjayden replied to your story: Your man? I don't know how he could deal with a person like you so insecure and in your head a lot
MontezFordWWE replied to your story: Don't worry sis you'll see him fasho
ke'liyah replied to your story: you mean my man?
Desiree chose to overlook the remarks from Jayden and Ke'Liyah about her story, instead focusing on Jey's response. She held onto the hope that he would find the time to visit her once more. 
She set her phone on the charger atop the dresser beside her, then nestled under the blankets. The familiar scent of him lingered in the hoodie she wore and the sheets enveloping her, providing a deep sense of comfort.
As her eyelids grew heavy, she felt herself slipping into slumber, yearning for the moment when she would finally see him again.
NOVACANE
A/n: I was expecting you all to like this story honestly I was kinda of nervous fr but honestly I think Desiree really does love Jey fr and he wants to give her the world despite all the bullshit she has been through.
But I hope yall enjoy this chapter lmk in the comments below.
STAY UCEY.
18 notes · View notes
spade-club · 6 months ago
Text
Ugh. She literally. Is upset that I dont always like her. Like she hasn't. Given me. Two different kinds of trauma. Across many instances. And has not changed that behavior significantly.
Like. I told her not to drink. Because she gets even worse with boundaries when she drinks. And she responded with. Saying its weird that I dont like her. Like. I havent just. Told you. Why.
And I respond with saying. That its not like I dont like her. Its just that I dont want her to drink around me. Thats all.
She also has told me. To my face. That she hates me <3 so
6 notes · View notes
varjopeura · 2 months ago
Text
.
#okay no it's not the darkness getting to me there is a real life thing occupying a lot of my brain space#and idk if there's anything to be gained by speaking it out loud into the void but at the moment it's the only thing i Can do#i don't even have to click the 'post' button if i don't want to#but yeah. yesterday got the news that my mom's husband is dying. had a surprise heart attack and he's not gonna make it#just feels super fucking weird#personally i never really liked him at all so it's not like i myself necessarily have to grieve. never was that close with him#but like. oof this is going to be hard for my mom. and i'm super worried about how she's going to survive#but there's nothing to DO about it really. she wanted to have some space to come to terms with this on her own#and she has a strong support network of friends in her city. while i'm on the other side of the country#and don't even know what i could do to help if i was closer to her. i just. like. what can you even do in a situation like this?#just feels weird to Not do anything when i know how huge of an impact this will make for her entire life#she'll probably have to move to a different place too#and there are people there to help her. people with more life experience. people who probably know more about grief than i do#i just. i have no idea how one handles something like this. except for being there for her when asked#do eldest daughters have some sort of universal responsibilities that i'm just not aware of?#it feels kinda horrible how this is constantly circling back to what can *I* do and what must *I* do. how *I* feel#i'd never ever ever make things this much about me in any other setting than my own tumblr blog. in a tag whisper i'm not sure i'll post#but yeah all of this is eating my brain in a very weird way. an odd sort of limbo where it feels like there should be something here#it'd certainly be easier if i had any sort of relationship with the dead person myself. if i had something to grieve myself#now there's just a feeling that something Should be here to feel. and the knowledge of how hard this must be for my mom#ahhhhh idk none of this makes any sense i'm just speaking in circles and everything feels bad#it's bad and horrible and i don't know how to process any of this and i'm stuck in my brain and can't DO anything#there's nothing i can do to help my mom at this exact moment when she wants to be left alone with her thoughts#and i can't do anything else either because all of this feels like a heavy black cloud fogging up my brain#can't concentrate on anything at all today#not fun. not cool#sussitalk
4 notes · View notes
parakeetpark · 5 months ago
Text
Uh oh. Essay in readmore time
What's so frustrating is that for almost all of my life I didn't know I had adhd, and only found it out 5ish years ago
During ALL of my studies i was intensely freaked out and even when i got a grip on some of my mental health shit at uni, importantly I was still unaware of the adhd. And only had some professional tell me about their suspicion about it AFTER I could have received any support in my schooling.
And I have been working damn hard over the last half a decade to learn about myself and the way I work, and be kind to myself and open minded, and learnt from many many different people with adhd how they function - especially through advice on here bc much of Google is shit, and learnt what does and doesn't work for my personally.
I slowly unravelled and found myself. To a point where I'm actually functional and content in myself.
So now i find myself in the most intense, stressful period of my life since then. Grieving and finally understanding what people meant when they spoke about grieving a very close loved one. How nothing feels real even.
And I've found myself so extremely wired from having to do a very vast array of tasks all crammed into a short space of time with a close deadline - exactly the same conditions as during my studies.......... where nothing ever helped.
Yet. In the last thirty minutes I've unwound because I instinctively KNEW what to do. I found myself following all the things i taught myself about my adhd, and now I'm like 70% more chill???? Huh?????? Noticed suddenly that I've been using my ADHD self knowledge for the past few weeks and coped remarkably well because of it.
It's shocking because imagine what i could have done if I had ANY help with my adhd EVER in my life from the adults who were supposed to notice in my entire childhood. Like HUHHHHHH, I am shocked. Imagine how I'm here as an adult using 5 years of learning adhd related advice and stuff I learnt through self awareness .... and feeling better.
SHOCKING!!!!
PS - long ass tags that immediately ramble away from my initial post and go into something positive and that made me feel fluffy inside. You've been warned
#It's so fucking aggravating#i was a self contained child and didn't display the Expected ADHD traits or what fucking ever and so i got left to rot by the system#fantastic#sighhhhh but on the bright side - i am damn PROUD of myself tonight. I've come so far#It's very hard being neurodivergent and I'm doing amazing by own like standards#btw secret lore - first time i ever said aloud that i was proud of myself was in therapy like 6 years ago#and it was indescribably hard to get to that stuttered halting sentence 'i am proud of myself'. so hard and my therapist was so clearly#over the moon for me. i still treasure that memory and the path i have taken to being kind to myself and that's why every time i say#i am proud of myself#it holds the memory of every time I've ever said it or thought it and believed it#every time i see someone do something good i make sure to say well done because I'm proud of them too :-)#i do it apparently with such conviction and sincerety that people stop and stumble sometimes aha#i think it's beautiful to help people notice when they do well. like 'oh skipped work every day until today' - well done u made it today!!#'i cooked a meal and got it the way my mother makes it after many failed attempts' - well done you must have worked so hard#'i made a important phone call' (from friend who has told me before how much they struggle w calls) - BIG WELL DONE that must have been har#It's easy to notice and pay attention to people and congratulate them for these things that may not sound Big bc 'everyone else can do it'#as they say. or they are too busy to notice they did something that took effort on their part. It's so wonderful to make a difference#and hope they can be proud of themselves too in that moment#man this took a positive turn.... this is something I've not really said before. but it is truly so joyful to congratulate people to me
2 notes · View notes
fingertipsmp3 · 7 months ago
Text
Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
4 notes · View notes
dancing-with-stars · 11 months ago
Text
guys. guys !!!!
#vanu is rambling#ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence.#like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me#but like for these past couple months things have been different.#i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone.#like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or#i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey#where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment.#today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me#and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during#those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears#and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg#and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that.#because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call.#i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends.#it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time#they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable.#someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did#and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent#stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable.#like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter.#they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl.#they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in#friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool#people really. really cool people
3 notes · View notes
ofmd-alsaurus · 1 year ago
Text
.
6 notes · View notes
todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago
Note
confession: sometimes I come to look at your art as references because you have noted details like moles + looking at what colors u put down in my quest to find what something looks like under neutral lighting I know the shit here has been thoroughly researched
i will be normal upon learning this news.
#fave#snap chats#JUST KIDDINGLAKJVKLE I CANT EVEN MAKE A FUNNYMAN™️ COMMENT THAT'S SUCH AN HONOR THANK YOU SO MUCH#especially when i'm such a fan of your own work... i love your lighting and shading and how Shaped everyone is so much...#just the FEEL yk i cant explain it but your art just feels super great to look at..#the funniest thing bout being sent this today is ironically i was gonna make more 'model sheets' for myself like how i did with y2 daigo#dunno why i just felt compelled to do so.. just so i could draw bitches without having to think ACTUAL Rotating Like An SSBB Trophy moment#except this one i'd make more note heavy..... cause idk i always wanted to do that tbh..#if my arm didnt hurt i probably would ☠️ maybe tomorrow or if im too stubborn later tonight i will ☠️☠️#but wow... again thank you that means a lot. new favorite compliment achieved thank you...#i do spend hours looking at these bitches so im glad. im glad thats apparent i pay attention 😫#in truth i dont even draw EVERY mole on every character- daigo is esp awkward because his moles change throughout games#the moles i draw are specifically for the ps3 era/y3-75#he has different moles in the dragon engine- they're actually on the right side of his face opposed to the left: theyre entirely different#AND IM GOBSMACKED BOUT THE COLORS BIT people tell me my colors are nice but its still ?? for me to acknowledge that sometimes#like not BAD OF COURSE NO NO IM REALLY HAPPY im just.. hm... i didnt think i was doing anything nice..#in any case again. thank you. ive made it clear this is a big compliment I Will Can It now ☠️
7 notes · View notes
pepprs · 2 years ago
Text
ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
12 notes · View notes
orcelito · 1 year ago
Text
There are more trigun fanfics than there were back in April
This is creating a problem for me
4 notes · View notes
cryptic-rainfall · 1 month ago
Text
I took today off from work to get some major things done around the house, but to due circumstance + some stupid decisions on my part, I did half of one of the many things I needed to do today. I am so screwed.
0 notes