#and have not left me a moment to myself today | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spade-club · 4 months ago

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Ugh. She literally. Is upset that I dont always like her. Like she hasn't. Given me. Two different kinds of trauma. Across many instances. And has not changed that behavior significantly.

Like. I told her not to drink. Because she gets even worse with boundaries when she drinks. And she responded with. Saying its weird that I dont like her. Like. I havent just. Told you. Why.

And I respond with saying. That its not like I dont like her. Its just that I dont want her to drink around me. Thats all.

She also has told me. To my face. That she hates me <3 so

#-cass #Ugh #I sent her to hang out with a friend today because I couldnt take it anymore #this would be the first time they've willingly hung out with a friend without me #since we've started dating well over a year ago #and its because they decided that today was the day to quit smoking #and have not left me a moment to myself today #after I told them last night. all of this.#implying that my boundaries are important.#I went to the other room to be alone and they followed me #and then I told them I wanted to be alone and they didnt leave??#I'm just so fucking stressed I need a moment to myself.#I probably sound a little insane rn... idk... if so feel free to call me out on it.#I just dont know how to deal.

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tamagotchikgs · 4 months ago

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heavily debating whether i should start a fast or make pizza

#eating makes me a nasty beast so ill feel like i should kill myself and less able to talk n have fun. whihc i want to do :(#but also pizz.a. . . i want..#it's oven pizza my mom left for me n ive never had this brand n they discontinued the only one i like so i am soso very curious #but at the same time ive already had some kiwi today #going back n forth between its fine !! and no youre going to be so ugly and gross in all the important moments #youre going to ruin everything for what it could have been #i need 2 be smal #i need to be so little

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varjopeura · 16 days ago

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#okay no it's not the darkness getting to me there is a real life thing occupying a lot of my brain space #and idk if there's anything to be gained by speaking it out loud into the void but at the moment it's the only thing i Can do #i don't even have to click the 'post' button if i don't want to #but yeah. yesterday got the news that my mom's husband is dying. had a surprise heart attack and he's not gonna make it #just feels super fucking weird #personally i never really liked him at all so it's not like i myself necessarily have to grieve. never was that close with him #but like. oof this is going to be hard for my mom. and i'm super worried about how she's going to survive #but there's nothing to DO about it really. she wanted to have some space to come to terms with this on her own #and she has a strong support network of friends in her city. while i'm on the other side of the country #and don't even know what i could do to help if i was closer to her. i just. like. what can you even do in a situation like this?#just feels weird to Not do anything when i know how huge of an impact this will make for her entire life #she'll probably have to move to a different place too #and there are people there to help her. people with more life experience. people who probably know more about grief than i do #i just. i have no idea how one handles something like this. except for being there for her when asked #do eldest daughters have some sort of universal responsibilities that i'm just not aware of?#it feels kinda horrible how this is constantly circling back to what can *I* do and what must *I* do. how *I* feel #i'd never ever ever make things this much about me in any other setting than my own tumblr blog. in a tag whisper i'm not sure i'll post #but yeah all of this is eating my brain in a very weird way. an odd sort of limbo where it feels like there should be something here #it'd certainly be easier if i had any sort of relationship with the dead person myself. if i had something to grieve myself #now there's just a feeling that something Should be here to feel. and the knowledge of how hard this must be for my mom #ahhhhh idk none of this makes any sense i'm just speaking in circles and everything feels bad #it's bad and horrible and i don't know how to process any of this and i'm stuck in my brain and can't DO anything #there's nothing i can do to help my mom at this exact moment when she wants to be left alone with her thoughts #and i can't do anything else either because all of this feels like a heavy black cloud fogging up my brain #can't concentrate on anything at all today #not fun. not cool #sussitalk

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triglycercule · 26 days ago

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yada yada happy halloween to these FREAKS (and you guys :3 and myself i gusss :3) doodle from art class that i GUESS could be considered halloween...... idk ok idk ok something was up with me when i drew this

#look killer would like being praised more but to be fair since when has anyone been truly canon with him #to make myself not tweak out i can just pretend this is my fanon #i mean like mtt to me is the epitome of finding slight comfort in suffering when theyre not beating eachother up #dust and horror are affirming killer's terrible thoughts about himself!! how sweet :3 <3 theyre so made for eachother #horror looks like he has a second eye but dont be fooled i just didnt shade that in #i NEED to lock in on that animation. i dont think i have any homework today #i just have a short worksheet and then i'm good to draw i really should really really should im so sorry #disappointed in myself smh more than any of YOU ever will be #originally this was gonna be them in their halloween costumes looking down but then i was like #wait i dont wanna draw killer so ierased him and then just put horror and dust in their normal outfits bc i liked it #and i was like hold up hold up i gotta include killer somehow. SOMEHOW.and then this is the resuly #listen these guys dont freak around but they do various other things that are almost just as freaky as sex #that was more of a side blog thought triglycercule. i know. i will elaborate more there i guess #i ate so much candy today!!! and i didnt even go trick or treating!!!!!#theyre so smitted and enamoured with eachother :333 i love that for them #theyre so cannibalism core. theyre so if i cant have you nobody can core. theyre not soulmates but instead eachothers curse. theyre so UGH #only the murder time trio can match the other 2's freaks i fear nobody else can #its either less crazy or more crazy and these 3 are the perfect amount of balanced to even the other 2 out #i love that one kist animatic that that one really cool twitter kist artist drew #i know theres probably a really good horrordust animatic out there somewhere 2 #WHERES THE HORRORKILLER ANIMATIC HUH!!!! WHERE!!!!!!!#horrorkiller once again left out of the trio duo ships......... this is biased i fear #people just hate to see unhealthy bitched unhealthy smh. they can handle toxic kist but they cant handle toxic hrkl???? BLASPHEMY #triglycercule's rambling again (like a dementia patient) i should get to work #i found my first ever sand au fan out in the wild today. this is a moment in history i fear #i will never find another sans au fan in the world until i pass 30 years of age and im sad but whatever #i cant wait to get a job so i can start ordering stickers of my trio #i cant WAIT to get a pinmaker one day and start my very own mtt ita bag #i want a pinmaker so bad god. just so i can staple their faces all over #tricule rant

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parakeetpark · 3 months ago

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Uh oh. Essay in readmore time

What's so frustrating is that for almost all of my life I didn't know I had adhd, and only found it out 5ish years ago

During ALL of my studies i was intensely freaked out and even when i got a grip on some of my mental health shit at uni, importantly I was still unaware of the adhd. And only had some professional tell me about their suspicion about it AFTER I could have received any support in my schooling.

And I have been working damn hard over the last half a decade to learn about myself and the way I work, and be kind to myself and open minded, and learnt from many many different people with adhd how they function - especially through advice on here bc much of Google is shit, and learnt what does and doesn't work for my personally.

I slowly unravelled and found myself. To a point where I'm actually functional and content in myself.

So now i find myself in the most intense, stressful period of my life since then. Grieving and finally understanding what people meant when they spoke about grieving a very close loved one. How nothing feels real even.

And I've found myself so extremely wired from having to do a very vast array of tasks all crammed into a short space of time with a close deadline - exactly the same conditions as during my studies.......... where nothing ever helped.

Yet. In the last thirty minutes I've unwound because I instinctively KNEW what to do. I found myself following all the things i taught myself about my adhd, and now I'm like 70% more chill???? Huh?????? Noticed suddenly that I've been using my ADHD self knowledge for the past few weeks and coped remarkably well because of it.

It's shocking because imagine what i could have done if I had ANY help with my adhd EVER in my life from the adults who were supposed to notice in my entire childhood. Like HUHHHHHH, I am shocked. Imagine how I'm here as an adult using 5 years of learning adhd related advice and stuff I learnt through self awareness .... and feeling better.

SHOCKING!!!!

PS - long ass tags that immediately ramble away from my initial post and go into something positive and that made me feel fluffy inside. You've been warned

#It's so fucking aggravating #i was a self contained child and didn't display the Expected ADHD traits or what fucking ever and so i got left to rot by the system #fantastic #sighhhhh but on the bright side - i am damn PROUD of myself tonight. I've come so far #It's very hard being neurodivergent and I'm doing amazing by own like standards #btw secret lore - first time i ever said aloud that i was proud of myself was in therapy like 6 years ago #and it was indescribably hard to get to that stuttered halting sentence 'i am proud of myself'. so hard and my therapist was so clearly #over the moon for me. i still treasure that memory and the path i have taken to being kind to myself and that's why every time i say #i am proud of myself #it holds the memory of every time I've ever said it or thought it and believed it #every time i see someone do something good i make sure to say well done because I'm proud of them too :-)#i do it apparently with such conviction and sincerety that people stop and stumble sometimes aha #i think it's beautiful to help people notice when they do well. like 'oh skipped work every day until today' - well done u made it today!!#'i cooked a meal and got it the way my mother makes it after many failed attempts' - well done you must have worked so hard #'i made a important phone call' (from friend who has told me before how much they struggle w calls) - BIG WELL DONE that must have been har #It's easy to notice and pay attention to people and congratulate them for these things that may not sound Big bc 'everyone else can do it'#as they say. or they are too busy to notice they did something that took effort on their part. It's so wonderful to make a difference #and hope they can be proud of themselves too in that moment #man this took a positive turn.... this is something I've not really said before. but it is truly so joyful to congratulate people to me

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fingertipsmp3 · 5 months ago

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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself

#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy #a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE #i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing #and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think #that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it #because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick #i feel underconfident in writing any of them #and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first #started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min #but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast #in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore #and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new #themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter #if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life #and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep #all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters #most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head #and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously #so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use #it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD #to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely #adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12 #they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot #if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright #i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't #and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri #and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300 #i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot

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hella1975 · 1 year ago

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normal again :)

#what the hell was even all that!!!!#im still going through it but like. ive been better today like i didnt just ferment in a dark room hardly eating #and i also got some writing done that actually worked exactly how i wanted it to and i had that age old 'ive still got it!' moment #bc every time i encounter so much as a stone in the road of my writing i convince myself im terrible always have been terrible #will never be good ever and everyone hates me. so there's that #and then i actually interacted with my family and left the blinds up and now we just ordered a take out together so im just. existing #someone is having a paintball battle in my brain still but im being much more chill about it today god bless #and that's all that matters! as long as no one can TELL im going through it it doesnt count! showing emotions is bad! for the love of GOD #dw im pissing myself off too it's okay LMFAO #im gonna answer some asks though! bc not only is there a shitton again but also that always puts me in a good mood #sorry to anyone who has sent me time sensitive asks in the past few weeks. my motivation has just been dead #i do see and enjoy everything i get sent though so please dont feel like it was wasted and ill hopefully still answer it :)#hella goes home

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dancing-with-stars · 9 months ago

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guys. guys !!!!

#vanu is rambling #ok idk this is gonna b a happy post but i think there are lots of people who love me in this world. or at least enjoy my presence.#like i always always always ALWAYS doubt if my friends or family like me and in my head they all secretly hate me #but like for these past couple months things have been different.#i don’t feel so left out (like i usually do in groups) or alone.#like my friends genuinely want me there like they always ask me to go places with them. and i almost always say no because im so busy or #i just cant but they still ask me everytime. yesterday the whole group was calling and playing a game and i got a bunch of texts like hey #where are you u shud join the call it’s rly fun ! but i just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone at that moment.#today they were rly happy when i joined the call and idk it made me feel like. oh. maybe my friends do like me #and also i have two moods: i’m either super talkative or i go into my little shell and don’t say anything/add to a convo. and like during #those moments they’ll be like hey u ok? or they’ll just listen to me talk about ceramics and how fun it is or how much i hate eating pears #and like. we laugh so much together. like i have so much fun with all of them i love every single one of them omg #and scary thing is we might not even be friends after we start college. but yk what? that’s okay i don’t wanna think about that.#because like who cares? i’m not gonna let my fears ab the future ruin my friendships. i’ll always love them anyways. and we’ll always call.#i’m glad i met them. they’re all such beautiful and funny and amazing strong willed-people. they are my friends.#it’s just so crazy to me that they willingly want to spend time w me and are sad when i can’t. and they’re so understanding at the same time #they don’t get mad about it. and like they have mad eng last year in high school so much more enjoyable.#someone told me that this is ur last year do things so when you look back you don’t regret anything- so you can be proud of what you did #and my friends helped me with that. and like i still feel lonely the majority of the class because despite this there’s like a permanent #stain of sadness right there at the bottom of my heart. but they make the hard days more manageable.#like i’ve been on call with these people until ungodly hours at night just laughing and i go to sleep feeling a bit lighter.#they introduced me to the tech side of theater which i never thought i’d get into but here i am. they teach me silly facts and words in asl.#they taught me dances- knowing full well i SUCK at it- because we all had fun with it. theyve taught me it’s OKAY to be vulnerable in #friendships and that sometimes being open/yourself is quite literally the best thing you can do for your own soul and others. they’re cool #people really. really cool people

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ofmd-alsaurus · 1 year ago

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#it is literally homophobic that i have to do manual regression testing today #when i SHOULD be writing more post-s2 fic 😤#my docs are staring at me like. why are you ignoring us #and I'm like. it's because i'm being paid engineer money to do manual testing. nobody wants this to be happening #literally nobody. but it's what has to happen 💔#when I'm doing automation i can give myself time blocks to work on fic every couple hours and it's great #but my brain isnt made for manual testing and all the spreadsheet hell that goes with it #so i cannot deviate from it the entire day or i'll get lost and overwhelmed #because i still need executive functioning left over after work to parent two small kids 🤪#anyway this weekend I'm going on vacation to visit sister in law and her partner. mother in law will also join us #maybe. maybe i will have kid-free moments to write............. maybe 🙏🙏🙏🙏

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

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confession: sometimes I come to look at your art as references because you have noted details like moles + looking at what colors u put down in my quest to find what something looks like under neutral lighting I know the shit here has been thoroughly researched

i will be normal upon learning this news.

#fave #snap chats #JUST KIDDINGLAKJVKLE I CANT EVEN MAKE A FUNNYMAN™️ COMMENT THAT'S SUCH AN HONOR THANK YOU SO MUCH #especially when i'm such a fan of your own work... i love your lighting and shading and how Shaped everyone is so much...#just the FEEL yk i cant explain it but your art just feels super great to look at..#the funniest thing bout being sent this today is ironically i was gonna make more 'model sheets' for myself like how i did with y2 daigo #dunno why i just felt compelled to do so.. just so i could draw bitches without having to think ACTUAL Rotating Like An SSBB Trophy moment #except this one i'd make more note heavy..... cause idk i always wanted to do that tbh..#if my arm didnt hurt i probably would ☠️ maybe tomorrow or if im too stubborn later tonight i will ☠️☠️#but wow... again thank you that means a lot. new favorite compliment achieved thank you...#i do spend hours looking at these bitches so im glad. im glad thats apparent i pay attention 😫#in truth i dont even draw EVERY mole on every character- daigo is esp awkward because his moles change throughout games #the moles i draw are specifically for the ps3 era/y3-75 #he has different moles in the dragon engine- they're actually on the right side of his face opposed to the left: theyre entirely different #AND IM GOBSMACKED BOUT THE COLORS BIT people tell me my colors are nice but its still ?? for me to acknowledge that sometimes #like not BAD OF COURSE NO NO IM REALLY HAPPY im just.. hm... i didnt think i was doing anything nice..#in any case again. thank you. ive made it clear this is a big compliment I Will Can It now ☠️

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pepprs · 2 years ago

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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.

#purrs #delete later #idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every #single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional #needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t #those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t #this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone #but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o #course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and #i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved #mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or #whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a #week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be #writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all #the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality #is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments #where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them #comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so #painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i #haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that #kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im #crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i #missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read #the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are #closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom #to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and #that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk

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lanshappycorner · 1 year ago

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I bought myself a little treat.....

#for copium !!!#imagine youre me #you sit down in class and you look at your phone(which is also a wallet)#you realize in horror at that moment that you lost your student ID . drivers license. and medical benefits card #you run out of class retracing your steps but you cant find anything so you return to class and decide to just attend bc ur there #you sit thru 1 hr 20 mins of lecture and you slowly realize this was a bad idea because every second youre in class #you could be searching for your cards and you are about to have an anxiety attack #time is up and you leave and you eventually go to the lost and found and they give you 2 cards #you have your 2 IDs but not your medical one. you have a doctors appointment this friday btw #you spend the next 2 hrs running across your uni campus 5 times in 80 degree weather. your feet also hurt bc you injured it over the weekend #you are forced to give up and attend your last class #it is 4:50 pm. you have eaten nothing all day and you have very little water left. its warm. and you have to walk another 30 mins home #you have resigned to having to call social services later to get a replacement card. which sucks bc you talked to like 5 strangers today #and you have social anxiety and also everything sucks and you are about to keep over and die #anyway i got tea and bought myself 2 macarons <3

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orcelito · 1 year ago

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There are more trigun fanfics than there were back in April

This is creating a problem for me

#speculation nation #I WAS RAVENOUSLY READING FIC end of march beginning of april #like. Ravenously. regularly sacrificing sleep for it.#started running out of longer things to read (one shots r fine but i Rly like longfic. if u couldn't tell.)#so i started writing my own.#i dont tend to read much when im actively working on writing. and if i do it's Usually one shots #brief things to fill the time when i dont feel up to writing. but long things r iffy bc i get too absorbed and then it muddles my writing #since my gf was visiting i didnt rly have time for writing so i was reading in spare moments #she left today tho which means writing time is back on the table #but there are so many good new fanfics that have popped up since april...........#gonna finish the one im currently reading. and we'll see if there r any i Reaaaally wanna read #i swear tho ive read like 200k words in the past 3 days alone. and this is just me reading in spare moments.#(read: sacrificing sleep to read)#it's healthier for me to focus on my own writing anyways lmao. bc it forces me to take care of myself to obtain writing brain #and i dont feel that voracious hunger to just Keep Reading to find out what happens next w/ my own stuff #bc i already know what happens next lol. it's just easier on me in general.#but Oh i sure do like reading some good fics when theyre available...#anyways. yea im gonna b able to start writing ITNL 15 soon. hoping for the best in the coming days xoxoxo

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triglycercule · 2 months ago

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and if i said the mtt reminded me of these three idols then would i get tarred and feathered

#YES!!!! anyways when will someone draw them all in straitjackets istg #ive been on a bit of a new artist roll today. just discovered akali. and then checked out these 3 #ikigusare idols i knew you 3 were mtt from the moment i saw you no doubt. a shame sango is green instead of purple #anyways mtt connection i like how niigo's left eye is the same eye that flickers killer's sans part ish eye #but like the eye is literally sewn and kept open forcefully. like hey sans part of killer you gotta b part of this 2! no looking away!#was thinking the 3rd eye on sango could be like papyrus. like 2/3 of the head is dust and 1/3 is paps #took seeing his brother to whole different level!#horror's is obvious his eye's just 1 because he's got his whole 1 eye symbolism #mtt but they all have body disformations and its all related to their eyes somehow #can just imagine like...... killer's left eyesocket bashed open and the eye floating in there while the dt goop constantly flows out of it #ikigusare idols all have the same voice and #the mtt would.... as well..... bc theyre all yhe same guy #these idols dont have canon lore im like 80% sur i can make as many crazy mtt connections to them as i possibly can #their music is so like. just a LITTLE bit off. like obviously the voices but just like the notes are just SLIGHTLY off and its so duchahahhh #im not gonna listen to them regularly bc it not my thing but hahahaha mtt........ mtt reference #my english notes have mtt references in them. my friend makes mtt references now because of me #i squeeze my shampoo into my hand in a sparkle star heart shape because of the mtt #it was 4:30 in the morning today and i saw a tiktok comment mentioning the mtt and i tried not yo scream #yk i think ive convinced myself that im not as deranged as i really am about these 3 but lime........ erm what the murder this is freaky!#someone said in a gc that they auditions for acapella and wondered if they got in #this is so mean but my first verbal reaction was literally hell no💀 its SO MEAN #theyre rubbing off on me help. i cant just say it was all the mtt's fault when i'm a goddamn asshole #NO OFFICER I SWEAR IT WAS THE SKELETONS THE THREE SKELETONS THEY POSSESSED ME TO SHOOT THE #yeah....... lets not continue down that path (i say as i made several 9/11 jokes today unprompted)#god typing out tags with silly comments like these are so satisfying :3 always forget how much i luuuuv thumblr #DAMN my typing style has changed a LOT from what i remember. in just a couple of months ive evolved #tricule rant

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pinktinselmonstrosity · 2 years ago

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sorry but this is one of the dumbest things anyone has ever said to me

#ok so i was on my depressive shit today and i was talking abt how i saw a group of friends out today #and one of them hung back and took a picture of the others #and how i generally think those candid picture people post on instagram or whatever are bullshit but this was obviously real #like she was having a good time and she thought her friends looked cute and she wanted to immortalise the moment so she took a photo #and how i feel like because nobody ever does that for me my brain tells me that nobody likes me that much #and this person responded with this long message abt how lots of people don't want candid pictures because they might be unflattering #or because it's rude to take pictures or that they're lost in the moment and don't think abt taking pics (which is a fair point)#and then. this point??? which just???#aside from completely ignoring the thing i was upset about it's just obviously bullshit #and actually specifically contradicts something i said about how my brain forgets that people care about me unless i have proof #(e.g. photos messages souvenirs from trips together) that i can actually hold in my hands when they're not there #to remind myself that i am loved? like that was something i specifically said and she just responds with this?#i know i'm overreacting and she was intending to make me feel better but it's actually annoyed me #also i replied and she left me on read #just ignore me i'm ranting and i know i'm insane and unreasonable #🧃

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phagodyke · 8 months ago

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one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW

#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair #also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here #ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true #bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man #and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh #im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life #and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything #and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that #but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know #but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days #dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head #but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level #so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse #and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well.#maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao #anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day #and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep #sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol #.vent #.diaries

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