#how do you justify that to yourself. you aren’t an individual but you’re having this experience that is so uniquely yours.

[leonardalphachurch]

listen none of you understand okay. the idea of dεlta being like. i am a being of pure logic i am an ai created for one purpose and nothing else i am not a person i am not even sentient just a piece of code given a voice for someone else’s mind. and then being like. *is in love with his host* like. it’s so good. it’s SO good.

[jesusinstilettos]

I’m about to save you thousands of dollars in therapy by teaching you what I learned paying thousands of dollars for therapy:

It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.

Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.

1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.

2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?

3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?

4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”

5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.

6. Repeat, it takes practice but is a skill you can learn :)

[goldenseresinretriever]

False Confidence: Chapter 11

Pairing: Javy “Coyote” Machado x Reader

Part of the San Diego Dogfighters universe

Summary: The Athletic named Javy Machado the fifth sluttiest player in the NHL last year. He’s a known playboy who leaves every game with a different girl. As far as he’s concerned he’s living the dream, playing his dream job with the dream lifestyle. Unfortunately his friends and bosses don’t agree. At 33, they think it’s time for him to settle down. You’re a kindergarten teacher at an esteemed private school. You don't expect much when you finally accept your colleague’s invitation to attend her husband’s hockey game but when you accidentally get separated in the post-game rush, you find yourself in a compromising situation with the last person you’d ever expected to meet. When his PR rep suggests a mutually beneficial agreement, your hands are tied. How long will you have to keep up the act? And how long will you be able to?

Series CW: 18+ ONLY, swearing, angst, fluff, fake relationship, suggestive language, anxiety, school system inaccuracies, hockey inaccuracies etc. There will be individual chapter warnings. No use of Y/N.

Word Count: 4.1k

A/N: I planned to wait until 5pm but fuck it, we ball

Previous Chapter // Series Masterlist // Next Chapter

You pick at the knit fabric of your sweater before you remember how much it cost and forcibly pull your arms back to your sides. The sweater and skirt you’re wearing under it are another product of your shopping spree with Nat and you’d secretly chosen it for today, planning of course to find some Javy-related event to wear it to later to justify putting it on his card. You couldn’t help it, you wanted something special for tonight. After an anxiety-ridden week spent pacing your living room every night trying to choose the pieces you wanted to showcase, it’s finally the night of your gallery showing. Pop-up gallery, you remind yourself. It’s a one-night event, promising minimal exposure for your art, but the idea of hanging it somewhere that’s not on your walls is enough to have you bouncing on your feet as you overanalyze your canvases currently hanging on the wall. You didn’t have the budget for the ornate frames you secretly envision your pieces inhabiting so the naked canvases are on display and you try not to let it bug you. Your little area is flanked by plenty of other artists, ranging in notoriety. None of them are particularly mainstream, but you’ve heard of a few of them on social media including the one hosting the event.

You’ve only been allowed five pieces tonight, but you know even that is more than nothing. Hanging in the center is the piece Nat had complimented and then gone on to text you about multiple times this week insisting that you include it in the gallery exhibition. You gaze at it as you bounce on the balls of your feet. The gallery should be opening anytime now, and while Nat promised to swing by sometime tonight, you aren’t expecting any other company. Your art has always been something intimate and personal, and you don’t talk about it often. Most people don’t know you paint, and even those who do rarely get a glimpse of your art. Despite your unwillingness to share it with the people in your life, you long for the world to see it, just perhaps not those who know anything about the artist. You tell yourself that you want your paintings to speak for themselves instead of adding to your friends’ perception of you. In reality, you’re probably afraid of criticism, of them seeing the darkest parts of yourself, unveiled and hung on a wall for their scrutiny. What if they don’t like what they see?

The painting of the bay makes your stomach twist. You don’t usually paint scenes from your life, rather using your experiences and emotions and pouring them into whatever your brush creates out of them. This painting feels oddly intimate, but you assure yourself that it shouldn’t. The only person who could possibly recognize it is Javy and he won’t ever see it. To the rest of the world, it’s simply another piece in your collection. Your eyes trace the canvas, slowly but surely making their way to the nondescript figures in the corner. Your heart tugs painfully as you’re taken back to that night, remembering the storm in your head and the way he’d quieted it with a single touch.

“Holy shit, Meep, this is amazing,” you almost think you hear his voice and chuckle to yourself. That is until you hear it again and feel a body step closer to you, the air between you crackling with electricity. “You’re amazing,” you turn in surprise, face transforming as you run through a thousand emotions at once. Shock at his sudden appearance, surprise that he’s here, terror that he’s here, and joy because he’s here. Your lips part in shocked surprise as you stare at Javy, standing next to you, eyes glued to the canvas in front of him, a bouquet of tiger lilies in his arms.

“Javy?” Your voice comes out choked with the emotion you can barely contain. He’s here. What’s he doing here? He turns to you and the strength of his smile almost sends you to your smile. “What? What are you doing here?” You stammer, as your brain fires at a mile a minute as it tries to understand how.

“Meep, as disappointed as I am that you didn’t tell me about this, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“B-but how?” Your brain has descended into a world of gray static as you stare at this man standing here, who showed up for you when you didn’t even ask.

“Nat said the gallery opened at 8, but she’s running late because she’s always running late. I would get used to that, by the way, she doesn’t mean anything about it, she’s just always been that way-” You cut him off as you throw your arms around his neck and seal your lips against his.

***

You’re kissing him. Javy’s brain short-circuits. He’d expected a lot of things when he arrived here without an invitation. Nat had mentioned that you’d seemed surprised that she’d even wanted to come, and he was sure you’d already be overwhelmed by the event itself, and even more by Nat’s presence since he knows she can come on strong. Not to mention that it sounded like she essentially invited herself to the event. He knows he’s not much better, but you’ve been entertaining a lot of his antics. You’ve come to games, you’d come with him to the auction, and on top of that, you somehow hadn’t blocked him despite all the silly texts he’s been peppering him with. Not to mention that he wants to be here. He’s wanted to see your art since you first mentioned it, but you’ve never offered. You’re even protective over your home, which he’s realized is at least partially due to your art being all over the living room according to Nat. Today is different. If the public gets to see your art, he should count as a member of the public, right? He’s brought the flowers as a peace offering. That and he can’t erase the look on your face when he gave them to you out of his mind.

He’d expected you to be good, you’re a hard worker and determined. You put your all into everything you do, and he’s sure it would translate to your art as well. He hadn’t expected to be so completely blown away, though. He almost feels silly, having taken you to that auction, paying such high prices for someone else’s art for his home when he’d rather have your work all over his walls. Especially the piece in the center. He recognizes it immediately, the stretch of road off the coast of the bay where he’d been scared he’d lose you before he’d even gotten to know you. The cliffs, the highway the water churning below, are all painted in various shades of dark moody blue, and there in the corner, a pair of indestinct figures locked in an embrace. Suddenly all his feelings are at the front of his mind, and he wonders nervously if maybe you feel for him a fraction of what he feels for you and it sends his heart into a tizzy.

Then there’s the look on your face. He watches every emotion process clear as day as panic slams against his ribcage, afraid of overwhelming you, afraid of hurting you, afraid of ruining your evening, afraid of ruining everything. Then before he can find the words, words to apologize, words to try and calm you in an effort to calm himself, your arms around his neck, and your lips are on his.

He can’t breathe but if this is what not breathing feels like, he never wants to take another breath. Your lips are soft, so damn soft. How does he not remember them being this soft? Though the initial kiss was full of adrenaline-fueled determination, he can feel you begin to falter, your lack of experience threatening to let the nerves win so he kisses you back, meeting your hunger with his own, doing his best to control himself from pinning you against the wall like the piece of art that you are. He lets his hands find your waist, hauling you impossibly close as your fingers twist into the fabric of his turtleneck, holding on for dear life as he kisses it out of you. He guides your lips with his own and you’re the perfect student, as your nerves melt and you let your body respond to him. He registers a sticky texture on your lips and almost groans against your mouth as he recognizes it as the gloss you’d worn to the art show. He’d been desperate to kiss it off you that night and he takes the opportunity to do it now. His tongue darts past his lips to taste it before he can stop himself but your soft whimper in response tells him it’s okay. He almost sinks to his knees right there at the sound.

***

Your brain turns to mush as you feel Javy’s lips move against your own. His hands find your waist in a way that’s simple, perfectly respectable, and yet the force that he’s gripping you threatens to leave bruises on your skin. Secretly you hope he does so you can assure yourself later that this is real, that you’re really kissing Javy Machado. And he’s kissing you back, returning the hunger that’s been stoked to life in your heart. You feel something wet dart against your lips and your eyes almost roll into the back of your head as you realize it’s his tongue. The deep rumble that comes from his chest after that forces a whimper from your throat. Heat washes over your face as you realize but he doesn’t seem deterred or embarrassed, he just pulls you closer and you go like a moth to a flame.

It’s been so long since you’ve kissed someone and meant it. It feels like falling into a fire and somehow coming back to life after burning down to microscopic ashes. Your heart squeezes in your chest as your brain pounds with the realization. He wants you. He wants you back. He wants you too. You want it to last forever, even as you grip Javy’s shirt with a desperacy that screams at him not to slip through your finger. That screams at you not to be the butt of another joke. But you won’t be, not this time, because he wants you. The cynical voice in your head drowned out by each desperate press of your lips. You want it to last forever even as your lungs beg for relief. Your head and heart are at war and you’re not sure how you’ll make yourself choose that is until a voice breaks through the pounding in your ears.

“Really? Come on, you guys, we’re in public for heaven’s sake.” You reluctantly pull away from Javy and your vision spins as you come back down to the ground. You don’t get very far, Javy’s lips chasing yours until he registers the voice. He groans and you suppress the urge to shudder at the rumble of it against your skin as he leans his forehead to your temple as you turn to face Nat who’s standing with her hands on her hips, a playful look of disapproval on her face as she suppresses the giddy grin fighting it’s way to the surface and you follow her gaze to where the bouquet Javy was holding has fallen to the ground and your cheeks heat in embarrassment.

“Fuck off, Nat,” Javy grumbles, pressing a kiss to the side of your face before turning to pepper the nearby skin with dozens of small pecks.

Nat raises a single eyebrow. “This is Roadie’s big night, Javy, come on, let her have her moment.” He groans against your skin, still not moving.

Your eyes widen as Jake appears behind Nat, coming around the corner, followed by Bugs, Zam, Bradley, Dragon, Bob, Mickey, Reuben, and Josie with the kids. You feel tears well in your eyes as Jake approaches and you realize he’s carrying a cake. He grins and you catch sight of the cake. The edge has been decorated to look like a frame and inside are the words, “You’re a Work of Art, Congratulations Roadie!” You don’t realize you’re crying until Javy pulls you against his side and strokes your hair gently.

“Congrats on the gallery spot, Roadie!” Jake says and suddenly you’re surrounded by these people who are slowly but steadily becoming your friends and you’re sobbing harder as each of them hugs you. When you finally get to Nat you throw yourself into her arms and she squeezes you tight.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” you sob over her shoulder.

“Welcome home, Roadie,” she whispers back and you hold her tighter.

That’s how your first gallery show that you’d spent the whole week stressed out over turns into a party. Everyone sits down on the floor around your wall and Josie expertly cuts the cake that Zam reveals Bradley made, to which you launch onto him to give him a big hug he instantly stiffens in response to before he relaxes and hugs you back. Mickey brought paper plates and soon you’re all eating cake and chatting, and if the other artists give your group dirty looks, you don’t even notice.

You’re leaning against the wall under your paintings when Javy scoots beside you, shoulder brushing yours. “So, is any of the art here for sale?” He asks and you shake your head, gesturing around the room.

“Not exactly, this is different than an actual sale, but I’m sure some artists end up selling if someone shows up and is willing to pay a good price. We come here for publicity and hopefully to make some connections, but if you sell a painting I’d say it’s a pretty good night.” He nods before turning to you.

“And your art? Is it for sale?” Your eyes widen in surprise.

“My art?” He nods. “You want to buy my art?” You stammer, trying to wrap your head around the idea. “I couldn’t make you pay for my art,” you say, frowning and he pokes your forehead with a finger, soothing the frown away.

“You wouldn’t be making me do anything, I want to. After all,” he gives you a pointed look, “it’s the least you can do after letting me pay $50,000 for what you claimed was the perfect centerpiece for my living room.” You frown again and he reaches up to attempt to smooth it away again.

“I meant that, why, did you not like it once you hung it up?”

He chuckles. “I like it just fine, but not as much as this one,” he moves his finger from your forehead to gesture above him to the cliff painting. Your cheeks warm as you follow his finger.

“Javy…”

“I mean it, Meep. I love that painting, more than anything else we saw last week. I love it even more knowing that you painted it.” He leans his head against yours. “I want to buy it.” He turns then and you feel his nose brush your ear as he whispers, “I want to buy my girlfriend’s painting and have it hanging in my house because that’s where it belongs.”

Your cheeks are burning and you feel dizzy as Javy whispers that word. It feels different somehow and you find your lips repeating it, trying it on, trying to reconcile that it’s real. “Girlfriend?” He nods against you.

“If you’ll have me,” he whispers back and you reach down where his hand is splayed between the two of you and lace your fingers together before you turn slightly so his nose slips against yours.

“I’ll have you,” you whisper against his lips and he shudders. This big, strong, proud, cocky man shudders at your words. You look at him in silent awe, committing every bit of his face to memory. His beautifully smooth skin so close to yours, his eyes so dark and yet so bright, dancing with mirth when he doesn’t notice, and those lips, so full and steady and you marvel at the way they’re slightly swollen, your subtle mark on him.

“Like what you see, Meep?” he asks, his voice a soft exhale like he’s trying to avoid breaking your concentration as you stare at him. You hum in affirmation. You want to paint him, to try and capture his likeness even when you know you’d never be able to do him justice, like taking a picture of the moon.

Nat blows a raspberry at the two of you and Javy squeezes his eyes shut like he’s praying for patience. Your cheeks heat as you’re reminded that you’re not alone. Nat winks at you cheekily and you turn back to the group. Jake looks over and gives you a fond smile that you return shyly. You look around at the people who’ve come into your life over the last week and smile as you think over Nat’s world. Maybe they could be your home after all.

***

Javy’s thigh bounces as he watches the screen of his laptop while the video call rings. He’s been abnormally poor about catching up with his family since he met you. Deep down he knows why, but he’s finally decided he needs to say something. He doesn’t doubt that Isa’s opened her mouth since he told her about you but he’s hoping he’s in time to do some if any damage control. His oldest sister is more than capable of reading him for filth and has done so her own fair share of times over the years. Most of the time he deserves it.

The call finally connects the four faces that pop onto the screen. Isadora’s sitting next to his mother and Javy’s once again stricken by how similar they look. Cecilia and Sophia are perched on kitchen stools behind the older women, but even they’re not little girls anymore and Javy finds himself mourning the days when they still looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky. Instead, all four women are wearing the same suspicious look and he heaves a sigh. It’s going to be a long evening.

“Hi Mama,” he starts but before he can continue, her eyes narrow.

“Don’t you ‘hi, mama’ me, Javier,” he swallows, hard. “You haven’t called in almost a month. Don’t think I didn’t notice. I know you’re busy but it looks like you’ve been busier than usual this month.” He swallows, again. “It seems everyone but your own mother knows you have a girlfriend.” She arches a single eyebrow in question and wishes you were here. You’re so much braver than him.

“Fake girlfriend,” Isa clarifies, and Javy closes his eyes as he braces for the onslaught about to come his way.

“Okay but is she a fake girlfriend, if he actually likes her? Doesn’t that just make her a crush, or is that one of those ‘situationship’ things?” Cece pipes up and Phe rolls her eyes.

“Javy doesn’t even know what situationships are, how could he possibly be in one.” Phe points out. His youngest sister has a good point but it doesn’t keep Javy from frowning as Cece gives him a shrewd look.

“Okay, but do you like her, Javy, or did you just tell Isa that as a cover?” Cece asks with an accusatory tone. He suddenly wishes he’d just called every member of his family separately to explain before attempting a group call.

“Why would I even call Isa to ask for help buying her flowers if I didn’t like her? I have female friends, you know.” He points out and Cece rolls her eyes. “I consulted a professional for a reason.”

“And that reason is?” Isa asks even though she knows.

“Look I know what you want me to say but I’m not saying it to you before I say it to her, that’s cheating.”

“Javy, you wouldn’t know cheating if it had its tongue down your throat.” Cece remarks and Javy glares at her even as his stomach roils. She doesn’t know the half of it.

“Well, I’m not saying it, until I tell Roadie, I stand by that. And if you’d let even get two words out, I’d just tell you that she’s my girlfriend. My real girlfriend, not my fake girlfriend, and yes I know the difference. I asked her out yesterday.” He fights the urge to cross his arms defensively as he scowls at the screen. He thinks it might be frozen because for once the figures on the other side don’t say anything.

That is until Cece breaks the silence “And she said yes?” It’s Javy’s turn to roll his eyes and this time he does cross his arms across his chest.

“YES.” They all fall quiet again and then Phe screams. She jumps off her stool and brings her face up close to the camera.

“JAVY HAS A GIRLFRIEND! JAVY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!” Is his youngest sister twenty-six years old? Yes.

“Sophia sit down.” Javy’s smile dies before it fully eclipses his face. Phe returns to her stool, flashing him a supportive smile before his mother speaks again. “Javy, I want the whole truth, not just bits and pieces from you, Isa, and the media.” He swallows, hard. He’s done a lot of regrettable things in his life, but he’s never had to explain them to his mother before.

He fights the urge to squirm in his seat and he’s wishing you were here again. A wet nose nudges his hand he looks down to see Roxy cocking her head at him. He scoops her into his lap, letting his fingers bury themselves in her fur and trying not to wish it was your hair. “So, I… I met Roadie after a game. She came with her friend who’s one of the other guys, Reuben’s wife. I found her wandering around lost after a game, and I thought she was a puck bunny looking for a hookup so I kissed her.” He winces as Cece’s jaw drops and his mom’s and Isa’s mouths tighten into identical thin lines.

Roxy nudges his hand for pets and he continues. “The press somehow managed to get a photo and it started making the rounds. Zam had her come in so I could apologize and we could find out if she wanted to sue, which she would have been well within her rights to do, and instead, we made an agreement. She would pretend to be my girlfriend to help my public image, and I would pretend to be her boyfriend because the school she teaches at has some new backward policy that has her teaching contract renewal hinging on whether she’s in a relationship.” He shakes his head in irritation at the unfairness of your situation all over again.

“So we started fake dating and it turns out she’s amazing. She’s a kindergarten teacher and she’s so good at her job. The kids love her, and you can tell she loves them. She also does art in her spare time,” he pauses then, bends the laptop screen back, and picks up the computer so he can show off the painting hanging behind him. “She painted this,” he explains proudly. “She’s so damn talented.” He sits back down, places the computer back on the coffee table, and Roxy climbs back on his lap. “I fucked up somewhere in the middle. I could tell I was starting to have real feelings for her and I hurt her,” he falls silent, the image of your teary eyes as you pushed past him at the karaoke bar playing before him.

“She helped me realize that there were things I needed to fix, to change. My friends all helped me try and get her back, and she let me back in. We decided to continue the charade as friends but I was already in love with her. It was too late. And then yesterday she kissed me.” He feels hope bubbly giddily up in his stomach. “It's still new and it’s probably too soon to say, but I think she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m going to fight for her. Not because I deserve her, because she deserves a hell of a lot better than me, but because she chose me, and that’s enough.” He looks back up and sees a small smile on his mother’s face as she watches him. He expects her to say a lot of things, but he doesn’t expect the next words out of her mouth.

“Bring her to Dallas, Javier, I want to meet her.”

A/N: AAA AAAA AAAAAA!!!! I’M LOSING MY MIND!!! It’s been a long time coming~

[uchihaharlot]

Heyooo, how are you, bro?

I hope your health is better now!

I have one innocent request.

"How would all Uchiha act if they finds out that you are self-harming?" (Mostly Madara pls😏)

I don't know if it's allowed topic... but yeah.

NSFW; TW self harm; minor mentions of injury; small prologue;

Before I go into this hc, I want to expressly tell anyone who reads this; whether we are mutuals or not. Whether you like my writing, like me or don’t or whatever.

My blog is a safe haven. You can openly message me, befriend me on discord (ask for my handle) or interact in the comments. If you feel like there are people who don’t care enough as they should. I just want to say that, I do. I don’t know who you are, what you’re doing. But I love you. Do not think for a single iota that your existence is merely coincidence, I’m not by any means a holier than thou individual and I’ve had my fair share of this isn’t worth living for: but trust me; it is and then some.

Madara:

Madara comes from an era where you put your best fist forward when things aren’t right. His level of resolve is steel cut and unwavering…but seeing you hurt yourself as an outlet, doesn’t sit well with Madara. And he’s into good old fashioned methods of healing…sorta. Expect to be tied up to his bed; not in the way you’d like either. For days he will keep you there, turning your body so you won’t get bed sores. Feeding you and letting you up to the toilet fa few times a day, and once at night if needed. All of this until you finally talk it out with him, and agree to find a better solution to figuring out how to express your feelings/pain. Insists on being around you every second of the day.

Obito:

I won’t lie, seeing you hurt yourself this way; it makes him cry. Do you want Obito to cry!? He’s inconsolable when you won’t even consider him as a vent source. And, while he won’t selfishly make it about him. He will openly admit most (ok all) of his faults in the hopes you would share your own. Whatever it is, Obito is sure that there are far better way to convey the message you want to share. Suffering in silence is only so fool proof.

Shisui:

No. No, no. No. Shisui one hundred percent won’t stand for it, and despite your protests of him almost catapulting himself off a cliff, he will tell you the error of his ways. Undoubtedly will make sure that you understand that even his own potential sacrifice would have been fruitless, and that you shouldn’t compare apples to oranges. And from there, Shisui will spend countless hours, days and nights proving to you just how sacred human life is. He inadvertently blames himself for some of this, you mentioning his almost demise opens old wounds and Shisui takes the opportunity for you both to grow and evolve. He wants to be a role model; not the reason you justify it.

Itachi:

In a way; he’s bereaved. This is highly unusual for you, and Itachi’s keen eyes (and new prescription glasses) catch a glimpse of your fresh wounds as he lightly snatches your arm. ‘Why would you do this?’ and ‘that’s not a logical reason to purposely harm yourself.’ Are a few of his stern words to you. Itachi is a no nonsense man, and he won’t tolerate you hurt yourself. If he was a true jerk, like he tricked many to believe for the longest time; he’d put you in Tsukuyomi and really give you something to think about. But instead, he inundated you day in and day out with his concern. Hoping that if you see one person who cares; you will eventually open up.

Sasuke:

Sasuke, traumatized by his older brother—not once but twice and more, lived in excruciating detail his own parents death, several times over. In the matter of three seconds; he understands your grief. Whatever you might be going through, I think when it comes to seeing other people suffering—especially as adult Sasuke, he can’t cope with it, and rarely did for himself. Which is sort of mkes him the besy person for this. He also doesn’t mince words and tells you straight out that you’re only causing yourself more harm in the long run. His method of cut and dry reality checks come in waves, when you think he’s not watching you, he’s right there. Don’t under estimate his capabilities. You’re on his radar and Sasuke won’t hesitate to use his techniques to get you talking; the sooner you find the root cause of your problems. The better, take it from someone who let their pain fester until it boiled over, it’s not worth it.

[autisticsociologymajor]

“No Means No” Is Not Enough

CW: Entire post may be distressing. Talking about consent. 

It’s a good principle, but it’s not enough by itself with no other supporting principle. 

Why? 

There are so many ways people say “no” or “I’m uncomfortable,” without actually SAYING those exact words. 

Think about these things: Coercion, body language, subliminal cues, intoxication, unconsciousness.....

This is going to get triggering because I struggle to sugar coat topics like this. Here we go -- 

What stops somebody from emotionally, psychologically, or verbally coercing someone into doing something they don't want to do? Nothing. What stops someone from asking the same exact question SO many times that the subject of the questions just gives in and gives them what they want so they can be left alone? N O T H I N G. 

Someone can say “no” in any and every way imaginable, yet all that’s needed is ONE “yes.” Nothing stops people from pressuring (coercing) another person into giving just that one “yes” in order to justify obtaining “consent,” regardless of if they have received 50 “no’s” in the past. 

Coercion is not consent. 

Few states have laws in place that include coercion in their legal definition of s3xual assault. 

Moving on. Body Language.

Body language can say “no” in many ways. If someone tenses up, does not reciprocate the same body language, moves or shifts their body away from someone, moves another person’s hands off of them or to a different area, if they turn their head away to dodge a kiss, if they keep a good distance between themselves and others.... 

Those are a few examples of a non-verbal “no” or “I’m uncomfortable.” Of course, situation varies. I know many neurospicy people like myself might do some of these things without meaning to indicate discomfort. Body language can indicate many things and can vary between individuals, which is why only body language by itself is also not enough in consent conversations. There are symbols in society that most people understand as “no.” For example, waving your hand in front of your throat to say “cut it out,” (aka, stop) holding a finger or hand up to say “wait,” or “stop, slow down, etc.” Shaking your head “no,” creating distance between yourself and others... 

All of these are examples of “no,” yet they aren't talked about nearly enough. You do not need a verbal “no” in order to know that you do not have consent. But also, it’s important to have conversations with partners. For example, if you struggle with body language or have unconscious non-verbal reactions to certain things like touch... It’s good to make partners aware of them so they know what you’re communicating (or not purposely trying to communicate)

Nothing stops someone from saying “well they didn't SAY no,” and that is exactly why we need to shift the conversation of consent away from or perhaps deeper into “no means no.”

Subliminal Cues

In real life, people have anxiety, struggle socially, struggle with self-assertion, and many many things that can affect someone’s ability to straight up say “no.” 

People pleasers like myself might try “letting someone down easy” without saying “no” specifically. OR, someone might actually be mean but still not say the word “no.” 

For example, in movies we’ll hear “I’d rather die,” “aha, ew.” or “In your dreams,” do these mean no? Yes. If someone says they’d rather die than hookup, it’s undoubtably a no. 

In real life, though... “No thanks,” “not right now,” “I’m in a relationship,” “I’m not interested,” THOSE ARE ALL A NO WITHOUT A STRAIGHT UP “NO”

I don’t care how nice somebody is about saying no. If they say “no thanks,” or “not right now,” or “not interested...” They are still saying no. They’re just catering to someone’s feelings and trying not to be rude. Also, none of those things mean “maybe if you try to convince me,” either. 

Politeness does not = convince me or maybe later

Intoxication and Unconsciousness

Nothing stops people from saying “they didn't say no,” to justify non-consent against an intoxicated or unconscious person if we continue to ONLY focus on “no means no” and even “yes means yes.”

Has nobody heard those nasty a$$ “jokes” some “men” tell? That pretty much say that if someone doesn't have the ability to say no then it’s free reign?

I think that should say enough about why there needs to be a shift in the conversation. 

A few things I have to add...

If you’re touching someone and they move your hand to a different part of their body, do not move your hand back to where they removed it from. They said no.

Consent to kiss someone does not give you consent to do ANYTHING you want. Consent to have s3x with someone also does not indicate that you have free reign to do whatever you want without asking. 

If somebody dodges a kiss, don’t keep trying. Don’t throw a pity party to make them feel guilty for saying no either. 

!!!!!!!!!!YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE A BITCH TO ASSERT YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

YOU ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO A PRIMAL LEVEL OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PEOPLE WHO WON’T STOP

Do noooot ASSUME what somebody is into. Do not assume someone’s kinks. Absolutely do not assume everybody enjoys having their hair pulled, face or a$$ slapped, being choked. Assume nothing. Expect nothing. 

To Recap... 

Pressuring someone into giving consent is not consent. 

A non-verbal “no” is still a no. 

People can subliminally say no or yes.

If someone doesn't have the ability to say or indicate “no,” it’s always a no. 

[dragonflight203]

Mass Effect 2, post Lair of the Shadow Broker wrap up:

Liara invite to Normandy

-This was clearly written with a Liara romance in mind. Shepard pours drinks, Liara’s wearing a fancy dress, at the end Shepard sits on the bed and says “Come back soon”…

-If you aren’t romancing Liara, no one drinks the wine. Does Shepard just chug it back after Liara leaves?

-If you go renegade, Shepard acknowledges that Horizon was set up even as they (weakly) attempt to justify TIM’s actions

Shepard is not having a good time in ME2

Samara

-Samara’s been hunting Morinth for 400 years. Brutal for both of them.

-Samara says there are three ardat-yakshi alive that the is aware of.

Even in ME2, this isn’t true. You get a Codex entry immediately after this that says around 1% of asari are on the spectrum.

She might have meant ardat-yakshi with the condition severe enough to be banished to monasteries, but that seems unlikely. Surely in one of the calls to her daughters they would have mentioned some of the others there?

Basically, either Samara outright lied or her writer was working from a different script than everyone else.

-Shepard says asari don’t mention ardat-yakshi in literature or art. Samara says this is out of a desire to hide their existence.

I suspect that’s true on the government level. There’s probably some censorship going on. On an individual level, there’s no way every asari creator has collectively decided to never mention ardat-yakshi. If nothing else, they’re way to useful a source of drama to not utilize.

-Considering that ardat-yakshi are sterile, how have they stayed in the genetic pool?

I suppose it could be like sickle-cell disease. Shitty if you have the misfortune to have the active form, but there’s an evolutionary advantage of some kind as well – like how if you’re a carrier of sickle-cell disease, you’re less likely to get malaria.

-Samara says Morinth fleeing proves that she wants to keep killing.

While I’m skeptical of that – not wanting to spend the rest of your life in a monastery seems a good enough reason for me – this makes it sound like Morinth had already killed. Likely by accident, since the dangers of an ardat-yakshi manifest at puberty.

Her first partner, possibly. Or – as I’ve seen speculated – possibly Samara’s partner, for an extra layer of trauma for everyone.

-Samara insists that killing is addictive for ardat-yakshi. I’d like to know some more about how that works.

There are people who claim sex is addictive, but plenty of people manage celibacy just fine. Is that what we’re talking about, or something addictive like a narcotic?

And how the hell does killing make Morinth more powerful? Does she absorb the what, mental energies of those she kills?

-So Samara learned Morinth as an ardat-yakshi after she presumably killed someone. Fine.

How did she learn her other two daughters were ardat-yakshi? Is there some kind of test that can be performed?

If so, why wasn’t Morinth tested earlier?

I suppose Samara could have refused the testing – the classic “it can’t happen to my child” thought process, even if would spare everyone trouble in the long run.

If not, how were Falere and Rila confirmed ardat-yakshi? What, were they locked in a room with a condemned prisoner and forced to bond with the prisoner to see if the prisoner died or not?

Or were they banished to monastery since the condition is genetic, just to be on the safe side?

Thane

-Thane and I are not on the same page. He’s back to insisting he has no guilt for his assassinations because he’s just a tool and killed on reflex. Actions performed on reflex don’t account. Only actions you choose.

And we’re just going to ignore that Thane chose to accept the contracts to kill those people…?

Also, I take issue with not holding people accountable for what they do on reflex. If you kill people on reflex, you chose to let yourself get conditioned to do so and you chose to put yourself in a situation where it might occur.

-Also, this makes the hanar sound shady as fuck. A species where “it’s not murder if it’s a reflex” has a huge “take advantage of me” sign on their back. And the hanar did.

What else do the drell do “on reflex” that benefit the hanar?

-This is the second conversation that dances around Thane’s dead wife. It’s odd because it ends at a natural lead in for discussing her. Why draw it out so long?

Garrus

-Garrus is so cheated of dialogue. He had one conversation when he came onboard and that was it.

Getting his loyalty mission is also a short conversation. Just a couple of lines and investigate options that essentially reiterate what he said in your first and only dialogue with him.

Compared to the conversation for Samara’s loyalty mission, this is nothing. Why did the writers not want to spend time on Garrus? He’s a love interest!

Tali

-And Tali is also apparently on the “do not engage” list. I’m not getting anything more from her until her loyalty mission.

She’s also a love interest. This is ridiculous.

-Yes, I know this is because Garrus and Tali are returning characters from ME1. The writers probably didn’t know what else to do with them or wanted to make sure you fell in love with the new characters, so focused their attention on them.

I still think sidelining them was a poor choice. ME2 was intentionally written so new players could easily pick up the game; they wouldn’t know anything about Garrus or Tali. They’re also both aliens – would it have been that hard for the writers to come up with new points for them to discuss with Shepard? Have them discuss media, or political events or something.

-Considering that Garrus and Tali are both dextro, in universe they could probably file some kind of discrimination complaint. The writers only think levo characters are interesting.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Ways a little knowledge can be dangerous (or at least kind of misleading) with health at every size and intuitive eating, individually and/or collectively:

It’s not about new rules, or doesn’t have to be. Try things and see what works for you. keep what works and let go of what doesn’t.

sometimes people can get weirdly intense about intentional weight loss being bad. Is it counterproductive in the long run? Sure. Do people get to choose what they do with their own bodies? Yes. Is fatphobia primarily perpetuated via iwl? No. It’s primarily perpetuated in other ways: workplace discrimination, medical discrimination, media portrayals and harmful stereotypes, government anti obesity campaigns that lean hard on fat shaming, etc.

half-assing it is not necessarily going to go great, in the sense that if you decide to try this approach and then bail the moment the number on the scale goes up that’s not going to go well. Like yeah my first point still stands, but I mean working for you in a weight neutral way. Yeah your weight might go up. Either find a way to make peace with that or you are not ready for a weight neutral approach to health. Intuitive eating is not a way to trick yourself into losing more weight, it’s a way to relate to food that is not at all about trying to lose weight or avoid gaining weight. (Some people do lose weight or stay the same weight with this stuff. Lots of people don’t. It’s better to come into it without expectations/being prepared for a “worse” outcome weight wise.)

can you eat all the brownies you want? Sure. If you’ve haven’t given yourself permission to eat an entire tray of brownies recently, you might be surprised how quickly you realize you don’t want any more.

if you are the sort of person who will literally eat an entire tray of brownies, and you feel miserable and out of control the entire time, you probably want professional help through the process rather than DIY-ing it. Likewise if you already know you have an eating disorder. No shame. Some people have some stuff to work through around food, it happens.

If you are the sort of person who loses interest in the brownies before eating the entire tray, don’t sweat it if you eat more brownies than you think you should. Do you physically feel bad after? That’s useful information going forwards. Do you think you would have felt as satisfied if you’d stopped at one brownie? Try that at some point and see what happens. But part of IE is in fact you do have blanket permission to eat brownies, you don’t have to justify it.

people eat food for reasons other than hunger. This is ok and not a thing you have to overcome. If you’re stopping when you’re satisfied most of the time, it’ll work. Doesn’t need to be 100% and you don’t have to opt out of social/cultural thingeys.

However, it’s worth considering whether you want to eat for reasons other than hunger. Sometimes a thing looks like it tastes good but then kinda tastes like poster boards. Sometimes people get caught up on the idea of not wasting food, which is a good general goal but it’s worth questioning whether eating food you aren’t enjoying is in fact not wasting it. Maybe the best way to not waste food is to learn you didn’t like this food or didn’t want this much of it and modify your behaviors going forwards. Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by not eating a lot of their food: probably not a huge deal now and then, but it can be good to practice how to show concern for a loved one’s feelings in ways other than finishing what’s on your plate, especially if this happens a lot.

as mentioned in previous post: hunger is usually more subtle than being ravenous and fullness is generally more subtle than feeling stuffed to the gills, it’s ok/good to take a guess at whether you’re hungry/full and see what happens. Does eating one cracker make you want to eat more? Probably you were hungry. Does stopping eating now make you hungry again in two hours? Maybe you weren’t full. Try things and see what happens. (Sometimes you can be done with one particular type of food but want a different type. This is ok. Different types of foods serve different roles.)

likewise IE is perfectly compatible with regularly scheduled meal times. Chances are being a tiny bit hungry is a state you can exist in for some time before urgently needing to eat and you get to decide when in that period you’re going to eat. If you’re starving, eat, but also make a note for yourself that you probably should have had a scheduled eating time before you got to the point where you felt ravenous.

don’t eat food you don’t want to eat. Seriously. Not even if it’s vegetables. Refraining from eating healthy food that doesn’t appeal is good practice and in the long run better for you than practicing eating food that you don’t really want.

[free--therapy]

How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips

2 Jun 2019 by Catherine Moore, Psychologist, MBA

Have you ever lost your temper at…yourself? Blamed and then beat yourself up a little inside for doing something you regret?

Maybe you’ve been harsh with someone, only to be much harsher with yourself later?

It’s easy to be tough on yourself—we tend to do it much, much more than we realize. But what if there was a better way? When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. It’s often a lot harder than it sounds, but with the right techniques, we can learn to make it a habit that sticks.

If you ever judge or criticize yourself for no justifiable reason, some of these techniques could be valuable. Some might not be your cup of tea, but others might resonate and come in handy when you least expect it. Read on to find out how to practice self-compassion with tips and exercises, then tell us—what works for you?

How to Have and Show Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have towards ourselves, and it’s also an empirically measurable construct. Operationally defined and introduced to the positive psychology literature by Associate Professor Dr. Kristin Neff, it is comprised of three separate constructs: Self-kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness (Neff, 2003a; 2003b).

Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal. We know that it’s similar to (yet less permanent than) self-love and that it’s distinct from self-esteem, but how do we show self-compassion?

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness is about showing kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we fail at something, or when we are hurt (Neff, 2003a). Rather than being critical or judging ourselves harshly when we already feel pain, we can recognize the negative influence of self-judgment and treat ourselves with warmth and patience instead (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

In short, showing self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations, whether it’s through our behaviors or even just our thoughts (Barnard & Curry, 2011).

Some examples, adapted from the Self-Compassion Scale (SCS), include (Neff, 2003b: 231):

Giving yourself the tenderness and care you need when you’re going through a tough time;

Trying to understand and show patience regarding your own perceived personality flaws; and

Being tolerant of your own shortcomings.

Common Humanity

‘Being part of something bigger’ is a pervasive concept in positive psychology literature, and it’s long been argued that the need for connections is part of human nature (Maslow, 1943). Having Common Humanity means viewing our own individual experiences as embedded in the broader human experience, rather than seeing ourselves as isolated or separate from others (Neff, 2003a).

Part of this is accepting and forgiving ourselves for our flaws—we aren’t perfect, but we show self-compassion when we go easy on ourselves for having limitations (Brown, 2010). Another part of common humanity is realizing that we’re not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt; rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, we appreciate that others feel the same at times (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

According to the SCS, more specific behaviors would include (Neff, 2003b: 231):

Perceiving your shortcomings as natural aspects of the human condition;

Viewing your difficulties as “a part of life that everyone goes through”; and

Reminding yourself that others also feel inadequate at times, when you feel the same.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is seen as the opposite of avoidance or over-identification in self-compassion theory—it entails acknowledging and labeling our own thoughts as opposed to reacting to them (Kabat-Zinn, 2003; Neff, 2010).

When we have self-compassion, we are aware of our own hurtful thoughts and emotions without blowing up their significance through rumination. Instead, we adopt a positive balance between this over-identification at one extreme, and completely avoiding painful emotions and experiences at the other (Neff, 2003a).

Example SCS items for mindfulness translate into the following behaviors (Neff, 2003b: 232):

Aiming to keep our feelings in balance when we experience something upsetting;

Maintaining perspective when we fail at things that are important to us; and

Adopting our emotions with curiosity and openness when we feel sad.

So while the SCS does measure self-compassion as a trait, it can also be seen as a ‘balance’ or a ‘middle way’ of emotional responding (Neff, 2015).

Read more about mindful self-compassion here.

How Can We Best Practice Self-Compassion?

From Self-kindness to Self-judgment;

From Common Humanity to Isolation; and

Between avoidance and over-identification—with Mindfulness as the happy medium.

We also see some key themes popping up that you might already be very familiar with: empathy, kindness, forgiveness, caring, tenderness, and various synonyms for acceptance and non-judgment. But because so much of our mental activity is ingrained or instinctual, it can take some conscious effort at first to start practicing self-compassion.

How to Start

Dr. Kristin Neff herself notes that because of our habitual responses to hurt and negative emotions, getting started can often be a drastic change of perspective (Neff, 2019). And because we’re actually trying to adopt new approaches rather than create positive emotions, it takes practice:

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings… With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

(Neff, 2019)

With that in mind, we’ll cover some techniques and tips for practicing this goodwill, before sharing some resources, affirmations, and approaches to help you along the way.

8 Tips and Techniques for Practicing Self-Compassion

There are lots of specific exercises available online that will help you practice self-compassion in a way that suits you. We’ll cover some of these in more depth on in our Resources section, but most have the same general approach.

Treat Yourself as You’d Treat a Friend

One good place to start is by thinking about how you would treat others that you care about. So while we can’t always take away others’ pain, we can validate its existence and provide support to help them get through it and grow. In this respect:

Let yourself make mistakes. Self-kindness and common humanity tap into two separate but related ideas: “We’re human. But a) so is everybody else, and b) that’s okay.” Rather than interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can let ourselves off the hook when we might do the same for others. If a friend gets lazy and doesn’t answer your phone call, you probably won’t instantly assume they’re a bad person. Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to accept your flaws, and remind yourself that you’re not alone in being imperfect (Abrams, 2017).

Care for yourself as you’d treat others. Closely related to the previous tip, this is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you might physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Neff describes these as ways of tapping into our own ‘caregiving system’ to release oxytocin which has beneficial cardiovascular effects (Hamilton, 2010). Along with tender, forgiving language (even using terms of endearment to yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart”), these gestures can lead us to feeling self-kindness even if we’re initially reluctant. Try not to go overboard with the endearing terms if it feels too odd, of course!

Becoming More Self-Aware

Other techniques relate to being more self-aware and tapping into our self-talk. Compared to ‘beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up’, becoming aware of our internal narratives is a positive starting point for changing our self-talk.

Use ‘Releasing Statements’. Maybe you’ve never been a big fan of positive affirmations. Maybe they don’t feel natural or you believe they don’t quite ‘reach’ your Inner Critic at a subconscious level (Wood et al., 2009). If that’s the case, you might try what is colloquially referred to as ‘releasing statements’. These are closely related (if not equivalent) to mini-exercises in self-forgiveness and tap into the mindfulness concept of detached non-judgment. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and ‘releasing’ yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”.

Try self-acceptance. This means embracing your own perceived shortcomings as well as your character strengths (Morgado et al., 2014). Self-compassion is about not over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are—rather, thoughts and feelings are behaviors and states (Neff, 2010).

Practice mindfulness. Harvard Healthbeat (2019) suggests that mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core constructs, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. Kirstin Neff also recommends guided nurturing meditations, including body scans and a short ‘Self-Compassion Break’.

Try not to judge yourself too quickly. Another tip from DiPirro is to stop assuming you’ll behave a certain way. It’s easy to assume things like “I get really grumpy and antisocial on flights”, which sometimes precludes the possibility that you’ll act a different way. This is once again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

(Re)Gaining Perspective

From here, we can also zoom out to remind ourselves once more that we’re connected to others. That we’re part of a much bigger picture—common humanity—and adjust our focus accordingly. Here are some example tips:

Let go of the need for outside validation. Author Dani DiPirro of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life suggests that lots of our negative thinking come from how others perceive us. If we’re beating ourselves up for eating something, for instance, a lot of that self-directed anger stems from social pressures, like the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences can thus be an act of self-kindness with a much larger knock-on effect (Neff, 2011). If this idea is interesting to you, there’s more in this self-reliance article.

Reaching out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing your feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realize that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of connectedness, reframing our perceived problems within the ‘bigger picture’, and building social support networks that are invaluable to wellbeing.

CONTINUE READING HERE

[aryasage]

blood so silver black by night

yes it should be phel theme not diana theme. it's still lunari and i'm running out of titles from phel theme. sue me.

if i could make this hit 1k it would probably go into the oneshots that didn't fit into atcybyna but i wanted to post SOME content in the next decade so here you all go (it could still probably hit 1k after going back and revising it as this thing is a mess and a half but again. wanted to get content out. it's definitely because i'm generous and not because i couldn't be bothered to proofread. yep.) a different version of this might end up being actually posted at some point, but for now, have this

this is set during tncfl, an exchange between deokdam and viper. no graphic depictions of anything but vague mentions of abuse, violence, all your standard viper backstory stuff. oh and also religion because i find fantasy religion really fun to explore so it ended up taking up a lot of this little piece. anyway keep reading for some actual writing for once :)

You’re…like me? Deokdam asks hesitantly upon hearing Viper’s voice, so similar to his own yet so much rougher, full of pain buried deep down.

Am I? Viper responds, poison in his voice threatening to spill over. You had a choice, didn’t you?

Deokdam is taken aback by the question. What do you mean?

The moon’s gifts, Viper says bluntly. You wanted them, didn’t you?

I—of course. it was an honour to receive her blessing, Deokdam says, unsure of where Viper’s going with this.

Did you— Viper stops, taking a deep breath before continuing. Could you have said no, if you didn’t want them?

I mean—why would I? I knew what I was getting into, had prepared for it my whole life. Didn’t you?

Viper scoffs, and his support looks over at him, but Viper waves him off before addressing the other ADC again, avoiding eye contact. Yeah, no. I’m not like you.

What do you—

I didn’t know what I was getting into. I didn’t get a choice, didn’t have an opportunity to say no—and I tried. You drink noctum willingly—imagine it’s forced down your throat with no idea what’s happening. Then you have to keep taking it just to keep yourself alive.

Deokdam stares at him, horrified. Why would anyone— The ceremony, the ritual, the acceptance—that’s the most important part. Not the gifts themselves. It’s—willingly making that sacrifice—that’s the entire point—

Viper sighs. Not everyone in our faith had the same idea. Some were too focused on their…objectives to care about what they had to do to get to them. What was one person, in the grand scheme of things? The individual doesn’t matter, after all.

Only its role, Deokdam finishes out of habit. But wait, that’s not what it’s supposed to mean—

I know that. Pretty sure they did too. Just chose to ignore it in favour of their agenda. It was all in her name, after all. How could she disapprove?

And what, exactly, was the agenda that justified them doing that? Deokdam asks, but he’s not entirely sure he wants to know the answer.

Viper doesn’t answer the question, asking his own instead. You prepared for it your whole life, right? But what kind of preparation was that? Training? Practise? Viper looks away, his next words quieter, yet they echo in Deokdam’s mind louder than ever. You learn a lot faster when your life depends on it. In real battles. Especially when you’re not protected by any Guild’s magical guarantee. He takes another deep breath, exhaling slowly before finally answering the question that Deokdam asked. As for their ideals, well…I don’t know how much of what they said was true. But they must have been at least somewhat right, because it’s definitely true that there are some that aren’t so…approving of our faith.

Her sister’s followers…Deokdam responds quietly. I thought they swore to stop centuries ago.

Maybe some did. Like your guild’s old support, I imagine. But there are always exceptions. Where do you think this came from, after all? Viper asks, subtly indicating the scar on his face. It’s silvery, just like the few scars that Deokdam has, the telltale sign of being healed with one of the moon’s weapons. But the edges are rough, almost like a blade set alight had carved into skin—oh. Sunfire? That can’t be right, it must just be something like it—

Viper nods, almost imperceptibly.

I’m so sorry—

Viper cuts him off. I don’t need your pity, he says, scowling and turning his head away from Deokdam.

It’s not pity! I—I got enough of that with my first Guild. None of them understood that I wouldn’t give up my gifts for anything no matter how much the noctum hurts, and I can’t even imagine how it would be for you—there’s a reason I stopped trying to explain them to my new teammates. He sighs before continuing. I’m sorry that you never got to accept your gifts, never got to prepare yourself for any of it. It’s not fair that I did and you didn’t, and I wanted to apologise for that. It shouldn’t have been like that.

It’s not your fault. You don’t need to apologise. Besides, it’s not like they could keep their hold on me forever, Viper says, smirking. I got my gifts, but they don’t get their champion. Not anymore. I won, in the end.

They both fall silent before Viper finally asks a question softly. What was it like for you?

What do you mean?

What should it have been like for me?

Oh. Deokdam’s tried explaining to people who didn’t understand before. It’s never ended well. But with Viper, well, he’s all too happy to share. He at least owes his fellow marksman that much, and as he begins to describe the details of the night when he accepted his gifts, Viper listens, taking in every word.

[laloveyou]

There is no justification or remedied purpose behind the agenda of misconstruing a person’s moral or ethical roots when attempting to acknowledge the identity of someone with a vegan philosophy.

It really is just about attaining godly love

If you still aren’t taking advantage of the ability to cut out contribution to the kill zone, then you’re still asking for, and of yourself, a less than perfect love.

It’s not a game, unless you wanna have harmless fun seeing what creative concoctions you can make, or how natural you can go…etc.

But there isn’t a universally scheming underlying agenda in the realm of plants. So there’s no reason to pretend that vegan rhymes with villain - we’re all fighting demons…but you will have more strength to if you learn to quit spending your money, your body and your timeline on welcoming those very demons in.

It also serves carnivores zilch to act as if vegans are out to get you. We’re often the ones fighting your demons for you/not that that’s necessarily our responsibility to. What IS our and any or every ones responsibility is to mind our own business. But when you reek of murder, that’s just a one way ticket to get in someone else’s way. And in no way is that a sign of a responsible person.

I am neglectedly very in tune with the conniving power hunger of older folk who have been set in carnivorous ignorance for so long that they go nude when trying to put up some kind of defense as they are confronted by the realities of the consequences of their long seated ignorance. As my parents well informed me, It’s not a crime to be stupid. It is, rather, persecutable to deem one’s own ignorance after having a lesson visually, audibly or even autistically represented to them.

It’s only absolutely imperative that we ALL understand the lesson of consumerism, how deeply it’s been seemingly contorted, and happiest of all, how EASY it IS to take control of our selves as consumers. Because it’s not shallow. It’s not only face value. Eating a steak while watching a mob movie is assuming a place of the mob. You’re taking a risk, and you already know what the outcome is. But at this point, you don’t even need to watch that gun loaded movie or load the fun on your video game to reach some screechingly sour level of satanism that you can continue to deny until you put up for yourself, those who love you, and discover who you are meant to be.

Sure, plenty too many of those produce individuals are in those grocery stores or markets. Not nearly ripe enough. Often #wasted. Often discarded because they are misshapen or … god forbid! Actually ripe and colorful!

Working produce was ugly, too. The weeding out of precious stones to compost, animal consumption and trash was hideous and comparable to human satanist tactics of racism and unreliable stock.

Buuut that still doesn’t mean that any individual has any less-than contribution to what our bodies are actually craving. What we’re starving to digest - sun happy, well watered, bug friendly and “weed” friendly fruit.

We tell ourselves that proteinnnn or llllleaves are what we need to more than just survive.

How sick are we?

To be quite honest with you. Just as every other topic that hell brings to my attention to love against, this has basically come down to the strive for racism elimination. If that sounds far fetched,

Think about it.

Dark fruits . Figs. Berries. Browned bananas, browned anything. Rich, fiberfurious fruits. FOODS that have made it so far as to realize our bodies into a justified, decent, widely capable state. Never to flimsy us or distract our blood flow. Looking like the flesh of soon to be zombies, yet perfectly harvested by God herself. Contraptions of time space miracles got them here. Yet often the efforts of nature’s purest love are offset by distortions of meticulously shaped and meatful manner.

Thoughts are meant to be derived from a higher power, not devised by careful, sinister latitude…

there is always more that we can do to level the plains of the pains of the past. So why add to them by wretched haste?

Your only complete company is yourself when you terrorize the vines of well crafted forgiveness.

[meltotheany]

Goodreads | Amazon US | B&N | Blackwell’s | Bookshop “I love the world I hate simply because you live in it.” this is truly the weirdest book i’ve ever read. i kind of thought i was going to like it, just from the title and premise alone, but i was a little apprehensive because so many of my goodreads friends did not vibe with this one. but from chapter one, and reading some of the most impressive writing ive ever read, let alone from a debut, i knew this was really going to work for me. i am a bit hesitant to recommend it, because i just know it is going to be too weird and too satirical, and the writing too purple prose and too stream of consciousness for a lot of readers. but if you’re looking for something very different, something that’s really going to pull you out of your own comfortability, something unlike anything else you’ve read before, i would recommend that book wholeheartedly. the very basic, surface level, premise of this story is that we follow a fanfiction writer (who goes by y/n of course) who become more and more obsessed with a kpop idol. there is a constant emphasis on the idol industry and how harsh it is – from eating disorders, to being overworked, to pushing your body beyond its limits, to also being stalked by people who call themselves fans. these are a constant throughline of obsessive fandom culture and how that enables capitalism even more, and how sometimes parasocial relationships can feel very manipulative and cult-like. and i feel like this is where the disconnect comes from (besides that insanity that is this book) because either people aren’t familiar with the kpop industry or they feel attacked because they do understand the kpop industry and they feel uncomfortable with their place in it. (and i say this as someone who has a youtube channel dedicated to park jimin and collecting his photocards lol) “But his first-place ranking made the disturbing suggestion that my imagination, one of the few remaining places where I felt truly free, was actually the site of my dreariest conformity. I knew my feelings for Moon were neither unique nor all that extreme, and I even viewed mass popularity as his rightful due. But writing stories about him was supposed to have represented a higher level of devotion, an elitist kink in the plain template of fandom.” but, to me, this is a book about depression – and it truly is one of the most powerful depictions of it that i have ever read. following y/n and seeing the way she justifies everything, and feeling so much disgust one page and then so much empathy the very next page, it is truly a roller coaster through a fever dream feeling reading this entire book. this is a story about consuming, yet wanting so badly to be consumed. Feeling so lonely, and hyperfocusing on the one light in your dark world so you can feel like you are somewhat living. this is a depiction of mental health for south koreans (and so many asian communities) where help can be nowhere to be found, both professionally and from your family. (and additionally, lack of resources, lack of empathy, and just lack of help everywhere to help people who need help be able to have access to help – from our young to our elderly!) and how industries, marketing, and capitalism will prey on individuals trying to live their lives escaping. and this is a story about giving yourself wholly to something so it’s all not for nothing. “For the first time, I doubted the singularity of my love and thereby its truth. I glimpsed a future where I felt nothing for Moon, as one did, with both relief and melancholy, on the cusp of a breakup. I nearly fainted from disorientation. My love, which I’d considered, not without pride, a destabilizing force, was turning out to be exactly that which stabilized me.” i also feel like this book is about identity and being a diaspora adult, going back to your home country, and experiencing a lot of feelings that you don’t really know what to do with. loving something that makes you feel more connected to your identity, but then...

[gideonsrival]

Why don’t you go cry us a river? Your experiences are probably entirely heteronormative because it’s always the women who only fuck/date men who seem to always need to be reminded that their “bisexuality” is valid and that they’re “queer” enough. Count yourself lucky that you don’t have to experience homophobia when you’re out with your partner, you’re not oppressed because you like men stop being fkg ridiculous. Eat a pussy or stfu forever it’s that simple.

How do you know my experiences, kind anon? How do you know what my relationship is with homophobia? How do you know I don’t eat pussy nightly?

That “probably” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. That’s kind of my point. People assume a lot of things about what they think bisexuality is and what bisexual people do. Each individual is different, and I just think it’s a little odd that gay people are so excited to let bisexual people know how “straight” they are for dating a gender they have already said they are attracted to, as if it’s some kind of trick we’re trying to hide. “See! They aren’t gay, they’re dating a man!” Almost as if I should date women if I have the potential to be attracted to them. I don’t owe anyone that. Like yeah, I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. I might date a man sometimes (see “bisexual”). Why are you mad about it?

Which was my point in the original comment. Bisexual women will date a man for whatever reason, and people will bend over backwards to justify calling that woman straight, having no knowledge of that person’s dating history. As always, the rule is you’re only really bisexual if you’re dating a woman and you’re secretly just straight and in need of attention if you’re dating a man.

[bigmatrimonial]

To Cut or Not to Cut: The Ultimate Guide to Making a Decision About a Guy

What do men feel like when you let them go? Do they feel like they will be sad? Do they really want to? The decision to cut someone off can be among the most difficult decisions that a person will ever make. It is possible to wonder what the person feels when you break up with him after a relationship ends no matter if it was a close relationship or one that was difficult. Your absence makes you be skeptical about your own mental health It's causing you to be a mess mentally. You know you don't have him as the source of your joy, and that you don't have the right to want to see your ex-partner again. When you cut him off, it's like a part of you has disappeared. Similar to the lyrics Taylor Swift penned in her song "The Story of Us" with lyrics which go as follows: "And I'm dying to find out. Are you suffering as I'm killing myself ?" That's the reason why you'd want to know how your people feel after cutting them off, if they experience any emotion at all. You'd like to realize that the decision you took to let him go has had an an emotional impact on his soul and was not worth it. In answer to my initial question, what do people feel when you break them up?

What happens when you Cut a Guy Off?

Here's what I'm convinced happens to a person when you cut off his limbs: They're curious about why you Did What You Did When they are aware of what they're looking for, men are determined. If you cut the guy off your actions will increase his curiosity about you. Guys aren't afraid to risk everything to reach their goals. Now that you've caught his curiosity, he'll surely want to win your respect. He'll try another approach, spying around to see whether you're in love with him have gone away completely. He'll try breaking the relationship by texting or calling you in the middle of the night. You can cut him off if you're looking to turn the tables and not chase after an individual. You'll demonstrate to him how you're able to exist without him, and you're not dependent from him in order to become content and prosperous. Another rejection could be their Most Fearful Nothing is more hurtful than having the person you believed would always be there and then turn them away. You experience an emotional rollercoaster which you aren't able to be able to get over. The person you love will surely be upset that you abruptly ended your contact with him. Particularly if you decided to break up with him because he had done something that made you feel angry and he was totally unaware of it. It is impossible to predict what someone's reaction to rejection, however. There are some people who spend time with friends each night with the intention of drowning out their real emotions and not having to confront their feelings. They'll go to the extreme to avoid confronting the truth. Others, on the other hand, might take it as a sign that you're difficult to obtain and may attack you more aggressively. This is the issue with men and rejections. Guys don't know what they should do when they are the first one to leave. Most of the time, they think they are entitled to leave, however it's not the situation. Now that this is happening to you He is likely to find an opportunity to claim you. Insecurity is the biggest threat to him. The great thing about partnerships is that they help you feel great about yourself because you have someone who is genuinely happy with who you are and what you do. Your self-esteem and confidence are at an all-time high, and you don't think that you are not worthy. If you're not with a friend with you However, all the confidence and confidence disappears. The discomfort gets to the surface and you start worrying whether you'll be good enough to do any task. If you cut him down and decide to ignore him, this is exactly that what will happen to you. His self-esteem has been greatly damaged, and he'll try to justify his emotions. He starts to doubt his masculinity , and whether or not he's attractive in any way. When he sees himself at his mirror, he no more thinks he's male. He then reveals his real face and reveals that he's not the man you believed you were. If they're judged by someone who is important to them, men aren't much different from women. One will often wonder what other people have that they don't have, and he will attempt to make changes in order to attract the person back. Sometimes they'll pretend that they've left however this isn't the reality. Women, as well as men, have feelingsand need to deal with them prior to looking for an appropriate partner. If he truly loved you, don't count on that he will forget about you afterwards. It's only a matter of time until reality begins to kick into. His zeal to win you Repay You Will Sky Fly Many men, to be honest are unable to accept that girls don't desire them. They think that all women would want to be with them and they could hold each woman in their hands. If you're in a relationship that was almost a friendship and are seeking ways for giving him that boost you need and this is the method to do it. In this case, adhering to your no-contact policy is probably the smartest choice you can make since the person will be swarming around you within a matter of minutes. He'll do anything to make sure your attention is paid only to him, and not else. The desire to meet you increases and he's not likely not stop till he gets an enthusiastic answer from you. On the other hand that, if you just want to rid yourself of him, it could be quite a hassle since the guy will likely bombard you with text messages and calls. Even if you've declared that you did not want to be contacted by him in the future He might turn at your workplace or even surprise you with a meal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LnoMGjrKlw

Why cutting him off makes him Feel he's missing you?

There are a variety of reasons why your ex will be missing you when you break up with him. The length of time that it takes for your ex-partner to be missing you depends entirely on what's happening inside the head of your ex. One of the most tragic things about life is that the majority of people don't appreciate how important someone is until they've lost them. It's likely that this won't happen immediately because any contact is made without time. It is unclear the length of time it'll take since everyone lives their lives in different ways. Particularly, males are creatures that thrive on routine. When you take a drastic action, like cutting off his supply and introducing the possibility of uncertainty in his existence. He may feel disorientation and despair due to that degree of uncertainty. Be aware, however that someone may be very sad when they truly care about you. It won't occur in a substantial way or even at all if they hasn't ever cared about you. You'll be aware the fact that you took away his attention, but he'll do nothing to change it because it doesn't cause him to miss your presence or even want to be with to see you in any way. To clarify my reasons. I have listed 3 reasons the reasons I believe the guy will not miss you when you cut his off. A. He Wants Your Attention Pay To Him Attention? You've offered him plenty of it, particularly when he was in need of it. If you enjoyed a great relationship with him, and there were instances in his life where the things he needed were received from you, this could cause a lot of stress for him because your stability was taken from him suddenly. The absence of interaction with someone they love might cause them to reevaluate their emotions and thoughts about your relationship with them. He might not be able to admit it to you and may think it's not his intention to care for you however, this isn't the truth. B. He longs for the good Things You Did for Him If you cut him off, he'll be able to see that you're no longer with him. The realization will lead anxiety and fear because he is aware that he'll be losing these things with no preparation or caution. When the happiness he experienced in your company are taken of him you'll realize how important they were. He'll be missing the things that he thought was normal too. He'll miss things that were familiar and comforting for him like how you stayed with him and supported him through difficult situations. C. Memory Of Your Relationships Will Remain In His Mind You've displayed some amazing traits that he admires in women However, he also appreciates the way you and he been able to travel this world with each other, shared dinner together and spent a lot of time in each other's company. He'll feel like nobody else is for him on the exact extent as you were - especially in the worst of times. The relationship wasn't always smooth There were moments that he was deeply connected to you, in ways which were unforgettable in the moment. He'll now be feeling like there's something missing in his life.

What is the right time to cut him Off?

Patterns are the most reliable indicator of where to go when cutting someone off. They are useless when they're not backed by actions. As actions are more important than words, patterns have precedence over actions. Take an extra step and think about the bigger picture, the relationships. This will help you differentiate between the emotional memories that are associated with love affairs between couples and the truth behind their pattern. If he's done any of these things is a signal to end his relationship: Cheating It's a simple fact It's a no-brainer. He lost your trust and respect because he was self-centered to care about your feelings. It is best to avoid any sort of relationship with a former partner who is cheating on you. There's no rational reason for why someone would believe that cheating is acceptable. Like everyone else, need someone more than cheater. Be sure to believe me in saying once you've let him go, your ex will miss you. You'll think about him for hours trying to determine the reason for what transpired. Be sure that he isn't happy about choosing someone else over you, and enforce no-contact and allow him to pay for his decisions. Abuse (No No Matter What Type Of Abuse it Takes) If your ex has abused you, it's evident that you need to end the relationship for ever. It's best to take him out; he'll regret it and regret not being able to come back to the embrace of his. The hands that offered you the security you needed were not going to happen again.

How Long Do You Need to Cut him off?

Every relationship comes with particular situations, and you have to decide if you'd like to give him another chance or remove him from your life. When you've have cut him off the moment you do, he'll realize that the fact that you're no longer part of his life, and that he's lost a beautiful woman. He'll start to grieve for you. But, even if he doesn't like you, doesn't mean that he's suddenly going to become the ideal companion who will treat you with respect. This doesn't mean the relationship will change when he's back with you. In fact it's possible to think about reuniting with him in the event that you ended your relationship over minor disagreements. Most likely, he'll feel as if you've made a huge mistake and will be eager to make amends by asking forgiveness.

Will He Call You Following He's Cut Off?

The probability of this happening depends on the circumstances of you ended your romance and also the reason you ended your relationship with him. In any case, he'll be looking for you and attempt to get in touch with you. If he is unable to reach you, he'll try another approach. If the person truly loves you, this could take place. If he walked away from you because he believes that your relationship is a terrible mistake, he will not make the same mistake again. He doesn't have a reason to return to a girl whom he does not like. These words may be a bit harsh however I'm sure that a strong, confident woman like you will understand the message I'm trying to convey. There's no guarantee that he'll be able to remember you or get in touch with you. However, remember that what's meant to you will not pass your by. The things that are meant for you will find you. If he's not the right one for you, know you're not alone. there's always another wonderful person who is waiting to see you and be with you for the remainder of their lives.

Summary

What do guys feel like in the event of a cut? You might be wondering how a man feels in the event of cutting him off in the event of the relationship ends regardless of whether it was an almost-relationship or one that was difficult. You must realize that the decision you made to leave him had an emotional impact on his soul and was not in the wrong way. Every relationship comes with unique circumstances which is why you need to consider whether you'd like to give an alternative or remove him from your life. Do you think he will contact you following having cut him off? The chance of this happening depends on how you ended your relationships and the reason you ended your relationship with him. Read the full article

[solomonish]

Way To Go MC, You’ve Allowed Yourself to be Poisoned (Demon Brothers)

CW for: descriptions of food and eating, brief descriptions of choking-like symptoms. (mainly in the intro, though the individual stories mention coughing, (light) blood and fainting). there will be talk of food and keeping an eye on what is being eaten in the individual character stories as well.

Ahh thank you nonnie! I got tired and stopped at the demon brothers but I’ll finish the nowdateables later if you want! Which let’s be real, I’ll probably do soon because I wanna write for Solomon lol

I hope you like it!

---

It started off like any other night, with you grabbing a seat at the dinner table as the last of the food was placed in the middle. Someone beside you took your plate and gave you your portion for you, smiling at your murmur of thanks as they set it down. You waited until the last person, Levi, sat down, smiling at him as he muttered something about finishing a level to nobody in particular. 

The moment you ate your first bite of food, something felt...off. Your tongue was tingling the slightest bit and you swore you could feel an uncomfortable heat follow the food as it slid down your throat. Thinking it was just a weird Devildom spice - after all, you’ve been here for how long? and nothing has happened yet? - you take another bite and immediately regret it.

Though such a food was no big deal for demons, it was powerful enough to knock you out of your chair and hunch over, grabbing your stomach as you cough forcefully in a desperate attempt to get the food out. Your insides were burning, your airways closing in and your chest crying out in pain the more you coughed. Soon enough, tears clouded your vision, and though you could hear the chaos around you, the only thing you could focus on was what felt like fire burning you from the inside out.

When you start coughing:

The moment you let out a little cough, his eyes are on you curiously. It’s just a remnant of the days when you were still so new to it all: the fragile little human makes a strange noise, be prepared to save a life.

He almost let his eyes fall from you, but he noticed that you weren’t stopping. It wasn’t the first time you had caused a scene at dinner, saying something afterwards about it “going down the wrong tube.” Still, this seemed...different.

When you fall off of your chair, he’s out of his before you even hit the ground. He’s kneeling by your side a second later, trying to tilt your head towards him so he can fully understand what is happening.

He finally realizes that you aren’t just choking and this is much more urgent when the blood starts coming out of your mouth.

He takes his attention away from you for a moment to ask who cooked dinner, and the brothers promptly rat out Mammon.

Though Lucifer is clearly agitated at that, he decides to lecture later and instead ask what Mammon put in the dish. Everyone erupts at once about halfway through because “How could you have forgotten what that will do to a human??”

That’s the last thing you remember for yourself - whether from the poison itself or being unable to breath through all your coughing, you passed out fairly quickly afterwards

Taking care of you afterwards:

Lucifer isn’t the type to panic in the moment. He’s very accustomed to taking the lead and having everything under control.

That’s in the moment, though. When he has Satan mix up the remedial potion, he’s fine, checking over you and keeping his brothers a safe distance away while he makes sure you’re still breathing. Once you’re safely in bed, brothers having been banned from your room until at least morning, and he’s the only one left lingering in the doorway, that’s when it all begins to set in.

There’s less regret and more general uncertainty in these moments - it starts with him wondering if he should really leave you alone, and soon enough it spirals into him reminding himself just how careful he needs to be with you in the Devildom. (And really, after taking charge of seven demon lords on accident, isn’t it just like you to get killed by a spicy leaf? Honestly, he should’ve known better.)

Once you finally do wake up, he tries to act like his normal “down to business” self - “I’ve told my brothers they are not to overwhelm you today, though we both know how that will go. I’ve made Leviathan figure out what bland foods are safe for humans, you’ll have to take it easy for now as your stomach is still irritated. Let me know immediately if you feel woozy or nauseous for any reason-” He prattles on and on, and though you’ve stopped paying attention you can still feel the softness in his tone

He tries to be gentle with you, and you have to remind him that you were just poisoned, not bedridden for months. Sometimes he’ll shoot you a glare and try to justify himself by saying it’s just like you to make another foolish mistake, but others he just won’t say anything and will keep the hand he has placed on your lower back “for safety”

Firmly believes in establishing as many preventative measures to keep this from happening again, so the next few weeks are going to be....a lot.

Sets up an alarm so he can remind you every lunch not to pick any of the “not safe for humans” options. Probably also gets you a seat in a class that goes over poisonous plants in the Devildom. 

Do not try to skip this. It’s easier for everyone if you just let him ease his mind how he likes.

When you start coughing:

At first, Mammon assumes that you just heard the joke he made and (naturally) started laughing so hard your weird little human body couldn’t take it

So essentially, you start choking and he starts laughing at you thinking you’re laughing together

That all stops the moment you fall out of your chair and double over, suddenly dry heaving on the floor.

He sort of short-circuits for a second, not entirely sure what to do until one of the more knowledgeable brothers stoops down beside you

They tell him to just keep your airways clear and make sure you’re still breathing while they go to get the elixir they need, and he does. It’s one of the few times they see him so serious - he just doesn’t want to mess up, so he doesn’t focus on any of their comments or bite back

(”Gee, Mammon’s actually stepping up for once” “Yeah, too bad he was the one that poisoned them in the first place”) 

(Lucifer: he WHAT)

Taking care of you afterwards:

Mammon is usually the first thing you see in the morning, so that doesn’t come as a surprise. What does surprise you is how quiet he’s being. 

When you sit up and groggily ask, “Is something wrong?” (barely getting the words through your swollen lips) he is torn between trying to say something smooth (”N-not now that you’re okay!! not that i care....”) or calling you a dumb human. So instead he just stares at you

Eventually you can get it out of him what happened, and it explains why your face feels like it had been burned and your stomach feels gross

Mammon says he’s going to come up with a surefire way to protect you so nothing like this ever happens again, but his version of protecting you is sticking by your side 24/7 and he already does that so?

You’re the one that’s going to have to take the lead. Make a list of common ingredients that are SUPER deadly to humans and make sure you both have one for reference

Soon enough, though, he figures out how he can help you without your guidance and you catch him pointing out what’s safe without you having to ask

He follows you to the lunch line and examines the clear plastic boxes until he can point out a few human-safe options. He’ll bend to whisper in your ear in line at some fast-food joint. If you’re not sure, he’ll be the first to ask before you even remember that’s something you should be doing anyway.

He’ll even try to make dishes he thinks you’ll like without the poisonous ingredient! Sometimes it takes a few tries but if he wants you to try something with him, he WILL make it himself

When it comes to you, Mammon really will give you the best care he can. Sometimes he just needs that extra push to think things through.

(And if this wasn’t a push. a hard shove. over a cliff. into shark infested waters)

(don’t do this again, mc. his demon heart can’t take it)

When you start coughing:

Levi has never mentioned how his brother don’t normally speak much to him at dinner and he’s just learned to be highly attuned to you. He notices a lot of little things you do, and is normally the first to realize when you’re choking or something.

That’s why, when you start coughing this time, he is the first one to panic. He knows that that isn’t a normal cough, he just doesn’t know what to do about it.

He looks down at his plate and realizes what’s on it, something he cries out right when you fall to the ground, clutching your stomach. You’re on the other side of the table and his brothers are already crowding around you, so Levi doesn’t get to see the blood and can only hear your coughing.

When your coughing gets weaker as you faint, he freaks. the. fuck. out. Did you die?? Even as he tries to look over his brother’s shoulders, he can’t get a good grasp of what happened until somebody tells him.

(It doesn’t matter much though. He’s still stuck in a loop of wondering what he could’ve done if he had gotten to dinner sooner, if he had managed to score a coveted seat next to you, if he had just looked at his plate or offered to take over for Mammon...)

Taking care of you afterwards:

You wake up in your bed and Lucifer is the one who comes in, asking you how you feel and if you’re up to classes to die. 

Being poisoned sure does take a lot out of you, so you ask to stay. Lucifer gives a quick nod and warns you not to shirk your duties, wishing you a fast recovery and letting you know that (human safe) food has been set aside specifically for you.

You doze off soon after (hey, a sick day may as well be spent sleeping in, right?) and when you wake up, somebody else is there, looking at you with inquisitive orange eyes and nearly scaring you half to death.

When you scream, he screams, backing up into your dresser and knocking some of the things off of it. 

“I-I’m sorry-! I was just- told to check up on you- just in c-case....I’ll leave now!”

Boy’s gonna make you chase after him when you’re basically sick smh

If you go to his room and demand to be let in, he will - and he’ll let you stay under the guise of “well if you have to check on me every hour it’ll be less of a hassle if I just stay here...”

You won’t be able to get him to say he feels guilty for letting this happen, but when you pick up on the signs ensure him that he’s doing fine taking care of you. HIs cool room helps soothe your mouth (which is still a little irritated), and you’re honored he has an alarm set to check up on you

You know he’s feeling better about it all when an alarm goes off and he just asks “Hey you good?” and he chuckles a little bit when you respond “Hold on I gotta check my own pulse....... yeah i think i’m good”

Overall he is worried but he doesn’t know how to communicate it? So it’s a lot of quick, worried glances and double checking nutrition facts on packages before he hands them to you.

He kind of leaves you to your own devices, but he does send you worried glances every now and then until you’re recovered. He also makes it a point, when Mammon’s on dinner duty, to tell him exactly how he prepared the meal, though you don’t know if it’s for your sake or just to bother him. Probably both.

When you start coughing:

Satan has taken to leaving his books in his room for most dinner and talks to you in their place, so he notices what’s in the dish pretty quickly.

However, the second step of realizing what it could do to a human doesn’t quite hit him until you’re already on your second bite.

He reaches out to grab your wrist anyway, watching you cough while also staring at him in confusion. As he watches your face redden and your mouth swell, you take your wrist from his grasp and cover your mouth with your hand.

He’s the one who knows what to do, so he appoints someone to keep and eye on you while he runs (yes, runs, but he’ll act all cool about it if his brothers bring it up later) to his room to get some potion that’ll (hopefully) negate the effects

(Don’t let him hear me say this but) he’s similar to Lucifer in that he’s very level-headed when it happens - somebody needs to be focused on the cure when some of his more dramatic brothers are screaming (looking at you, Mammon and Asmo)

Taking care of you afterwards:

Satan might be the best at taking care of you, but he’s probably also the least fun.

Once he realized a while ago how fragile a human could be (and that he was interested in actually keeping you alive rather than just watching how long it takes for something to hurt you), he put in an effort to read up on how to help a poisoned human in the Devildom.

He knows how you must be feeling, and he offers you soothing teas or even a (human safe!) numbing lip balm to help you out.

(He finds great pleasure in how ridiculous you look, now that the danger’s passed - though he won’t tell you outright, you can tell it by the amused grin he isn’t even trying to hide)

Don’t be surprised if you catch him eyeing your plates of food for a while after the incident, and any time you catch him in the act he’ll look at you, take a drink out of the nearest cup and lift his eyebrows in a weird little acknowledgment that he’s been caught before saying “It looks tasty.”

Overall, he’s the standard amount of worried? Even though he will take every opportunity to tease you about how you looked afterwards or how feeble you are to be taken down by something so small (jokingly), he won’t ever get out of the habit of double checking your food to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

When you start coughing:

Asmodeus eyes you warily when you start coughing, but continues with his entertaining until you hit the ground.

He’s by your side in an instant, hands hovering over you as if he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself (he doesn’t).

He doesn’t remember calling for Satan, but Satan is the one who kneels by you, so maybe he does? His focus is on you and deciding on something he can do to help.

This ends up shielding your face, puffy and a mess from your tears and retching, from the others who are all peering over at you in concern. He knows it’s not the most pressing detail, but he figures that maybe he can preserve your dignity a little bit, no?

He follows the action with his hands covering his mouth nervously, watching as they have to force a potion down your throat now that you’re unconscious. He’s allowed to stay by you once they determine that you’re safe since he normally doesn’t cause too much of a fuss - not when he looks as pale and miserable as he does now, anyway.

Taking care of you afterwards:

He’s not too experienced in the healthcare field, but boy does he know self care! He knows how to get your skin feeling less gross after the rather...irritable reaction it had and the best way to rest is if you feel totally physically relaxed, right?

For a while, if your stomach still feels like it’s churning or you’re otherwise unfocused, he’s the first to defend you from anybody who thinks you’re overreacting. 

Also makes sure nobody outside of the house knows how...unsightly of an ordeal it was. He isn’t shaming you internally or anything, but he’d loathe to have such an unpretty picture in people’s heads when you’ve been nothing but showstopping the whole time beforehand!

Will make sure to grab a seat across from you juuust before you take a bite for a while. It doesn’t matter if he’s across the room in the middle of a story or if you’re at a cafe with someone else and he’s still home. You’ll find him sliding in wordlessly to the seat across from you and watching you intently, making sure you’re eating something that isn’t going to burn you from the inside out.

Has multiple websites bookmarked on his D.D.D. that tell him what is poisonous to you and makes sure YOU are aware of what you’re putting inside your body before you eat it. He seems to genuinely think you’ll forget to save yourself from such a life-threatening situation, but the pout he gives you when you try to get him to stop is enough to convince you to live with it.

When you start coughing:

When you start coughing, he reaches over and starts patting your back absently in the way that usually helps.

He notices the way you grasp onto the table in an attempt to keep yourself up, coughing into your other hand as it gets worse by the second. When you almost slip off, he reaches out to catch you before you hit to floor

Is ready to do the Heimlich when one of his brothers stops him because 1) he’d probably snap you in half, and 2) that’s not what’s happening

He watches blankly as Satan approaches him, laying you down gently as instructed. That’s probably worse, watching you writhe on the floor like that.

He’s the one instructed to help hold you down so they can feed you the potion cure. He wants to hold your hand but it’s covered in blood, and he doesn’t want to risk loosening his grip on you and you somehow spilling it.

Taking care of you afterwards:

He’s the one most shaken up about the whole ordeal, I’d think? While the others are definitely worried he’s the one that has the BIGGEST problem with the feeling of helplessness so I think it would bring back some memories

He definitely keeps a watchful eye over you until you can tell him coherently that you’re okay, and even then he’s still treating you like porcelain for a short while

He can’t help it! Any time he’s reminded of just how frail you can be (and how unexpectedly something horrible can happen) he just...needs a few gentle moments to collect his thoughts.

Does NOT want you even looking at anything that has that plant in it (or anything else poisonous for that matter). Will straight up eat an entire dish from the pan if you give it a glance that he thinks means you’re thinking about eating it. He can usually get away with it since that’s similar to what he already does, but every now and then you see the look in his eyes and wonder if there’s something more to it

He’ll warn you in the future if he knows something is poisonous, but if you’re trying something new he’ll automatically ask you “Can you eat that?” If he doesn’t know, he can at least remind you to check for yourself.

When you start coughing:

Very few things can snap Belphegor out of a drowsy dinner stupor. You suddenly falling on the floor and coughing your insides out is one of the things that can.

If his brothers weren’t so concerned with you, they’d have a few quips about how quickly he startled awake

The first thing he does is dart his eyes back to the table, where he quickly realizes that they just inadvertently poisoned you. When he turns back, it seems the others have already come to that conclusion and someone is running off to help you

He knows that he doesn’t have much to offer in terms of help, but he will tear somebody (Mammon) away from you and kneel next to Beel.

He keeps himself under control by comforting Beel as he holds you down. 

There’s definitely a sick feeling in his stomach, something familiar about you lying on the floor and bleeding that he doesn’t like. He pretends to be averting his eyes at the sight of them forcing a potion down your throat and not some regrettable memory.

Taking care of you afterwards:

You wake up and Belphie is curled up next to you in your bed. Nobody else is in the house and it’s 3 PM. You feel gross and you can’t reach your phone to actually confirm what time it is and you have no idea what the fuck is going on until he wakes up

Which he does, after you poke and prod him enough and he’s very grumpy about it

“yeesh, you get poisoned and suddenly you think you’re the princess of the devildom”

“I get WHAT”

Definitely is planning to get Mammon back tenfold

He tries to act nonchalant about it but he does keep waking up ever few hours and lifts his head to like. check that you’re good for the first day or so. 

Sometimes he gets this sad look in his eyes and you have to smooth his hair back and reassure him that everything’s okay. It works a little but if he thinks he can trick you by pretending to sleep and then steal a few moments where he can Brood on his own while STILL cuddled up next to you, he will.

Suddenly takes an interest in what you’re eating. Every day. Every meal. 

He doesn’t go to check on you but he does text you a few minutes before lunch or if you’re getting dinner somewhere other than the house “What are you planning on eating?”

Gets real huffy if you don’t give him a straight answer. Usually will respond with a “Whatever don’t get yourself almost killed again”

If you decide to get cheeky and answer “Probably straight poison, like right out of the mysterious bottle with a skull on it” he will just say “ugh, sounds like you. have fun.”

“...”

“...”

“...seriously, don’t do that mc.”

he sets alarms to wake up so he can make sure you don’t ingest literal poison be a little nice to him please

[syndxlla]

More To Love

Part two of the More to Love series

Summary: As you start adapting to Mandalorian culture and life in the palace, you have to start thinking whether or not you’ve made the right decision.

Word Count: 6.2k, NO USE OF ‘Y/N’

Warnings: Non-Consensual kiss, mentions of loss of pregnancy

Author’s Note: Wow wow wow, the support I’ve gotten for this fic already has been so awesome thank you so much especially to the people who have direct messaged me you’re all so kind I love you guys!!!!

Part One here

“Good-morning, Your Highness.” A Handmaiden said as she pulled open the heavy curtains, letting the bright morning light shine into your elegant room. You softly moan as the sun hits your eyes, and roll onto your side to try and sleep more. “Today you will be having brunch with Her Majesty the Queen and a few members of her court and we have set aside a bit of time for you and The Prince to get to each other this evening before dinner in the library.” Her accent was thick like the Prince’s. You sigh and roll around onto your back, letting your limp hand rest by your face. “I trust you slept well?” She asked as she walked towards your bed, in her hands was a golden tray with a teapot on it.

“Not enough sleep.” You groan, trying not to sound annoyed but failing.

“Would you like to sleep longer, Highness?” She asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.” You sigh before scooting to sit up in your bed, and she places the tray on the table by the mattress.

“I wasn’t sure what type of tea you liked, so I brought a chamomile, do you have a preference?”

You stop to think for a moment, “Chamomile is fine for today, but do you have any hsuaberry tea?” Hsuberries are native to Corellia, and you could use a little taste of home.

“I’m not sure, but I will check for tomorrow?”

“That would be lovely, thank you.” You nod.

“I’ll return in a half-hour with the other maiden’s to prepare you for the day then?”

“Alright… Miss?” You stop her as she turns to leave. “Do you have a name? What can I call you?”

“Oh… of course, Lady Soniee would be fine.” She smiles. “Thank you for asking.”

“It’s my pleasure.” You smile in return. “Lady Soniee, is my guard outside?” You ask.

“Yes, he returned to his post with my arrival, in the night we have the night guards patrolling so our individual day guards get some time off.” She explains.

“Would you… Would you send him in, please?” You ask.

“Yes, Highness. Is there anything else you would like?” Soniee asks.

“No, that’s all, thank you, dismissed.” You released her from her duty and she turned to leave the room. As her back was turned to you, you rub a bit of the sleep out of your eyes and run your fingers through your hair in an attempt to tame your bed head. You wanted to look presentable for the knight. Truthfully, you haven’t quit thinking about him since last night’s endeavor. You fell asleep picturing what he looked like under his armor, and brainstorming what his name might be. You even wondered if you dreamed about him, but it’s all gotten hazy now. You knew this was inappropriate, and that you were here for your wedding with another man, but something about the secret relationship the two of you were forming was exciting, you were addicted to it. You sigh deeply as she closes the door behind her and then quickly looks down at your nightgown, proceeding to pull the cap sleeves down your shoulders a bit to show more skin and more of your collar. You laugh slightly to yourself, “You are ridiculous.” You mumble, chuckling. Before you could consider anything else, however, he walked in, his stature at attention.

“Is there something wrong, Your Highness?” He asked.

You felt your cheeks heat up in his presence, “I just wanted to thank you again for last night.” You tried not to gush as you spoke.

“Oh… Yes, anything for you, your Highness.” He nodded in response. Your chest filled with warmth as you looked at him.

“You’ll be accompanying me today, correct?” You ask.

“Of Course, Your Highness.” He nodded once again, you really wanted him to call you princess again.

“Wonderful, I hope you slept well last night.”

“I did, Princess, did you?” You smiled a little too wide at the title, and tried to cool your cheeks, not wanting to look like an absolute child in front of him.

“Yes, I did, thank you once again, I’ll see you later.” You sigh in response. “Dismissed.” That word felt like poison to you, you didn’t really want him to leave but didn’t know how to keep him around longer. This was an accident waiting to happen, and you had the power to stop it in its tracks, the only problem is that you didn’t want to.

—

The Gardens were even more beautiful in the daylight, the sun shone spectacularly off the fountains and the various statues scattered throughout the estate contrasted lovely with the bright flowers. You sat at a round table ornately decorated with various different pastries, teas and sandwiches on it. Around the table was the Queen, the women of her royal court, yourself and of course the Elf. You really wanted to speak to the elf, unfortunately, you asat across from her, and was forced to mostly converse with The Duchess Wren and another woman you had never spoken to before. The Queen introduced her to you last night but you were having a hard time remembering her name. The women weren’t in such heavy gowns this time, and none of them wore the jeweled headpieces they had on the night before except for the queen. You wore a light beige and white dress which ruffled at the sleeves and had a scooping boat neckline. It was very beautiful, however the corset back didn’t go nearly as high this time as the last dress did, which meant you couldn’t use it as an excuse to spend more time alone with the silent knight. He stood a few feet behind you away from the table, watching over the event. Every now and then you would turn to glance at him, ceiling every time you laid eyes on his armor.

The tea was fine, not as good as the winter teas you had back home, they were far more bitter. Mandalorians clearly enjoyed more bitter-tasting food as you noticed the longer you’re here. Once again, you were being mostly ignored as the Women who knew each other talked about drama within the Mandalorian Royalty. It was all much more conspicuous than anything you would talk about at home, and you found yourself quietly listening in on the various conversations instead of applying yourself to them. The women most likely thought you were some sort of strange claude, not social enough and far too boring for their culture. Again, you tried convincing yourself that you were overthinking, but you had a hard time believing yourself.

“And what about you, Your Highness?” The Elf spoke up, interrupting your deep and self-centered thoughts.

“Huh?” You were not listening.

“What do you think about the conduct to come out of Coruscant?” One of the fatter women sitting by the queen asked.

“Oh… I think they’ve rather lost their integrity since the assassination of their Emperor…” You clear your throat. You were just saying what you remember hearing your father say, attempting to fit into the conversation and hopefully gain some affection, knowing how much Mandalore despised Coruscant (you were rather indifferent, however).

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” The Queen smiled, “I believe you will be well suited for the politics of Mandalore.”

“Oh yes,” you began, “I had been preparing to be Queen of Corellia my whole life, I find politics rather exciting.” You admitted.

“Hm, I prefer to leave the politics to the men.” The fat woman scoffed and sipped her tea.

“I nearly forgot, you’re the only hair to the throne of Corellia, aren’t you?” The elven queen asks.

“Yes, I am.” You nod in response.

“Ah yes, your mother got sick and lost a baby-” The fat woman laughed. Your face dropped and went pale.

“Excuse you-” You began.

“Lady Aryn, have you no respect?” The Queen frowned.

“There’s nothing wrong with it, just a rumor I heard.” She shrugged, not seeming to care that she offended you or The Queen.

“Well it’s not a rumor.” You swallowed thickly, wanting to put her in per place for such an inappropriate comment, “My mother lost a baby when I was all but five and you have the audacity to bring it up like there’s nothing rude about it.” You spit out.

“Well who is to take the throne once you marry the Prince?” The fat woman asked as she sipped her tea. Many of the other women involved stayed quiet, timidly watching the drama play out.

“I don’t believe that is any of your business.” You chuckle out of frustration.

“It is my business, whomever rules Corellia during the impending war will directly affect how Mandalore responds to it. Considering my husband is the Grand General of the Mandalorian Army, it is very much my business.” Lady Aryn raised an eyebrow and dread washed over your body as she finished.

“I believe that your Cousin will be taking the throne?” The Elf Queen vouched for you and you were thankful she did, but still found the entire situation rude and out of hand.

“It should be me, but I’m being married off and getting my title stripped away from me.” You blurted out and immediately regretted what you said. You looked around at the faces of the women at the table. Each one showing a different expression of shock or betrayal, everyone but the Queen. The Queen’s face was stern, her lips dangerously straight and thin and her eyes dark as the two of you made eye contact. You had offended the Queen of Mandalore, you had offended the most powerful and wealthy monarch in the world. You sighed, and closed your eyes for a moment. “May I be excused, Your Majesty?” You asked with your eyes closed, waiting to open them until you finished speaking. You looked up at her through furrowed eyebrows, awaiting her response. The air was deathly thick, the tension grew as the court looked around at the scene. Your anger was justified, the remark on your unborn sibling was out of turn and incredibly rude, and after feeling ignored and unwanted for twenty-four hours by the very people set up to be your family, you snapped.

“You are excused.” The Queen said quietly, almost too quiet to hear, and you slowly stood from your chair before turning to leave. You looked to your knight as you did, and he followed. After you made distance between yourself and the other Mandalorian women, you could hear faint whispers. That went so much worse than you could have ever imagined. You want to disappear, you want to go home. You swallow a tear and sigh of relief when you get back into the Palace, strolling the halls until you found an empty sitting room. You sit down on one of the blue sofas and bring your fist up to your mouth. The Knight waited at the door, watching your every move. You felt ridiculous, and the absolute last thing you wanted to do was cry in front of the only person who’s shown you any decency since you arrived in Mandalore. You look over to him with dewey eyes before clearing your throat.

“I apologize for my conduct, I didn’t want you to see me like this.” You shakily sigh out. He didn’t reply, and you laugh once, “I suppose you have your code to uphold here.” You look down as you place your hands in your lap.

“No, I’ve sworn to protect you, that comes before the code of arms.” He takes a step forward and you were almost startled at his voice, you weren’t expecting him to speak up, but you were incredibly happy he did. You look up to see him a little closer, and smile just slightly at his gesture. “I didn’t protect you out there, I’m sorry.” He nodded his head.

“There’s no way you could have known,” You shrug, you didn’t want him to blame himself for your mistake, “Besides, I wasn’t in any danger.”

“Maybe you weren’t in any physical danger, but.. I really shouldn’t say this but that was out of hand. You’re family with the Queen now, she should have defended you.” He continued to step closer to you. “I deeply apologize for being so careless and allowing you to be hurt.” He bowed after saying this, and you smiled.

“Your apology is accepted, Sir Knight.” You slightly teased. “Thank you.” Your chest and stomach was filled with that warm and welcoming feeling again, and the negative endeavor from outside was forgotten even for just a moment. You knew you would have to face it eventually, and formally apologize to the Queen for offending her, but until then, you would allow yourself to feel okay for now. “You’ve been the kindest to me since I arrived.” You tilt your head, “You have no idea what it’s meant to me.”

“As I said, I vowed to be there for you, I will honor that vow.” He said, you didn’t want to feel like he was only being nice to you because he had to. You suck your lips in for a quick second as you absorb his response, unsure of how to respond. “But-” he interrupted your thinking, “It has truly been a pleasure to serve you, and I would be happy to undress you when you ask.”

Your eyes widened, “Excuse me?” It’s not that you didn’t like what you said, you just weren’t expecting it so casually.

“That- came out wrong, forgive me.” He corrected himself. “I mean, I’m happy to help you with anything you like.” He clears his throat and you smile, blushing at his sheepish correction.

“I understand.” You look down at the floor again. “I’m sorry they only give you the nights off.” You switched the topic, not wanting to linger on the last one in case someone was walking by or overheard anything.

“That’s fine, I... enjoy my time with you.” He stopped mid-sentence to consider what he was saying. You smile and laugh a little again.

“It must be tiring, wearing the armor all day, standing at attention, only getting a handful of breaks every few hours…” You think out loud.

“I’m used to it,” He shifts to his weight on one leg, lightly poppin his hip out as he speaks to you. “It’s not so bad, anymore.”

“Is the armor heavy?” You ask, trying to distract yourself.

“Yes, but that’s another thing we get used to. Our bodies adapt to it.”

“So… are you saying you’re strong under all that metal.” You raise and eyebrow, flirting just a little. You could hear a light chuckle come through the helmet when you said this.

“I guess you could say that.” It was like you could hear his smile.

“I’ve found that all Mandalorians are very attractive, do you fall under that assumption?” You knew very well you were playing with fire, that this was uncharted territory and everything was screaming at you to stop before you got too far but you couldn’t. Everything about him was so intriguing to you.

“I’m.. I’m not from Mandalore, actually…” He slowly responded.

“Oh?” You tilted your head, “I thought you had to be in order to be a part of the guard?”

“Well, in a way, you do. You have to be either born in or taken in as a foundling, and that’s what happened to me.” He shrugged.

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” You blinked, “Where are you from? Or can you not tell me…”

“The Nevarro frontier.” He responded, “I probably shouldn’t have told you that.” He groaned. You felt a shiver run down your spine at the sound of his rough voice groaning in such a way. You swallow your thoughts.

“You’re a long way from home.”

“I guess you could say that.” You smile at him again after he says this before turning and looking behind you, taking in the room. This was a larger sitting room, and there was a baby-grand piano in one of the corners. Outside of the windows you could see a courtyard, not the same courtyard that the garden is placed in, but one that was stoned and had a large tree in the center of it. There was so much of the palace you hadn’t seen yet, it was far larger than the Corellian one. You stood up to walk over to the piano, feeling a bit better now, and sitting at it. “Can you play?” He asked.

“Yes, I learned at a very young age.” You bring your hands up to keys and begin playing a song, one you have memorized. It was your mother’s favorite song. You played it with such emotion that the Knight was drawn into it, relaxing from his attentive stature and enjoying the sound.

“You’re... very talented.” He nodded.

“Thank you.” You said, looking up at him from the instrument. “I’m a bit rusty I must admit.” You shrug.

“I know someone who would really love it, no matter how rusty you say it is.” He explained.

“Who?” You ask as you stop playing, wondering who he may be talking about.

“I-I shouldn’t say, I’ve already broken the code so much-”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I fully understand.” You interrupt, “But just know that anything you say is safe with me, If you vowed to protect me from both physical and emotional harm, the least I can do is keep your secrets.” You nod. He sighs, you can’t hear it but you see it in the armor.

“My.. Uh, my son.”

—

“Soniee, do you know if any guards are fathers?” You ask as the handmaiden tightens the corset on a different dress, tying it to your body. You were preparing for some time alone (chaperoned) with the Prince. You knew you promised the Knight you would keep his secret, and you would do everything in your power to uphold that secrecy, but you figured there was no harm in asking a few questions here and there. As far as anyone is concerned, you’re just curious about the customs and traditions of your new kingdom.

“Well many of the Knights have families of their own, some have illegitimate children as well.” She said behind you.

“So, they don’t have an oath of celibacy?” You ask, hoping it didn’t sound too strange or specific.

“What? No,” She laughed as she said ‘no’, “No, marriage and families are incredibly important to Mandalorian society, the only thing stronger than power or war is love and family. Blood before anything else.” She explained, she had clearly said those words before.

“Maybe that’s why everyone is so cold towards me.” You sigh.

“Maybe.” Soniee confirmed, “But I also believe any new member of house Kyrze is going to be given a hard welcome.”

“And why is that?” You ask, wincing afterwards due to a tight pull of the corset.

“Well it’s taught in every Mandalorian history class: House Kyrze is the royal bloodline, but it wasn’t always that way…”

“What do you mean?”

“There was a civil war some years ago almost immediately after the assassination of Queen Satine. A bad man came in and tried to overthrow Queen Bo-Katan. He was successful in his endeavors for a while, and that's why the Elves and the Queen are so close-” The handmaiden explained.

“I never knew about a Mandalorian war that happened among themselves?”

“It’s shielded from the outside world, we fear that if it gets out, people will stop coming to us for their wars out of speculation that we are not strong enough to fight them if we can’t control each other.” She finished the corset and took a step back, admiring the beautiful dress. “Many Mandalorian’s blame Queen Bo-Katan for the civil war even though she gave up everything she believed in to protect the royal family. You see, she used to be on the side of the Bad Man, but switched after her sister’s death. Many see her unfit for the crown, including members of her own Court.” You didn’t need any more explanation from Soniee to assume who that might be. Considering your previous endeavor this morning, the fat woman probably did not approve of the queen.

“That is why it’s essential that this marriage happens. The people love Korkie, they always have. He is the true heir and the pride of his mother, who was revered and loved throughout all of the kingdoms. When he is back on the throne, not only will anyone who disapproves of Bo be silenced, but they will also see it as one of her many successes. Having to raise and prepare a child who isn’t even yours is not easy.” Soniee concluded.

Great, another weight to be placed on your shoulder based on your ability to fall in love.

“I had no Idea any of that happened.” Your eyebrows furrowed together.

“Personally, I believe that is why you’ve received such a harsh welcome, Korkie is the golden boy of Mandalore, and many will not see you fit for his wife.” You sighed, your belly filling with stress.

“Highness, the Prince is waiting for you in the library.” Your Royal Guard interrupts the conversation, and you smile at him.

“Thank you, Lady Soniee, you’ve been incredibly kind and helpful.”

“Of course, Princess. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” She curtsied and you walked out of a your suite into the hallway.

This dress was simpler than the last, a soft pink with embroidered flowers running up and down the smooth tulle and puffy sleeves. It was very beautiful, one you brought from Corellia that was gifted to you a few years ago. You wore pearls from Naboo, and had a soft look to your ensemble. You wanted to be perceived in a specific way by your fiancé, pure of heart, and genuine.

You open the doors to the hallway, and your guard is standing at attention.

“Would you escort me to the library?” You ask, smiling with your lips afterwards. He nods and holds his arm out for you to take, looping your own arms round his and walking down the hallway.

“You look very beautiful, your highness.” He said quietly through the metal, quiet enough that you were the only one who would hear it if anyone would be listening in. You got the lightest touch of goosebumps at his deep and gruff whisper in your ear.

“Thank you, do you think The Prince will like it?” You ask, looking up at his helmet with beady eyes.

“He would be a fool if he didn’t.” The Knight responded, and your stomach filled with butterflies. You blushed as you experienced the addictive feeling of his presence, and pulled him just a bit closer to you. The two of you walk in silence for the remainder of the journey to the beautiful library. This was a part of the palace that you had never been to before, and it was just as stunning as the rest of the castle. Books from all over the world in countless languages sat upon towering bookshelves that reached the tall ceiling. There was a large fireplace and in front of it was a number of red velvet armchairs and sofas. As you entered the quiet room, your eyes immediately found the Prince, who sat in one of the chairs reading a book, his head resting against his fist. You and the Knight walk towards him, and as you pull to unhook your harm, you feel him stretch his hand out to feel you for as long as possible before the contact breaks.

“Prince Korkie.” You curtsie, interrupting his reading. He looked up from the book and smiled, standing and bowing to kiss your hand once again.

“Your Highness, You look lovely.” After he compliments you, you turn to look at the guard, smiling.

“I hope you weren’t waiting for too long.” You as he takes your hand and guides you to sit on a sofa.

“Not at all.” He reassured, “Allow me to introduce you to Lord Vaughn, he will be chaperoning us today.” He gestured to a man sitting across from you.

“My pleasure, Princess.” He stood from his seat to bow.

“The library is beautiful, as is everything else in the palace.” You compliment.

“It’s less beautiful when it’s been your classroom growing up.” The Prince teased and you chuckle. “If you would like, please feel free to take any books at any time.” He nodded.

“Thank you, but I’ve never been very into reading.” You admit. “I much prefer music.”

“Ah yes, I play the viola, my mother taught me when I was a boy-“ Somehow he always made it about himself you noticed. You didn’t think he tried to, but conversations are rather boring when you’re just listening. He talked for nearly a half-hour about playing for the Queen of Naboo as a twelve year-old and being revered as a child prodigy for the early part of his life. You sat quietly as he bragged, telling the story to both you and the chaperone instead of keeping his focus on you. You even caught your mind wandering every now and then, glancing over to your knight to make a little face of boredom in an attempt to make him smile. You know you wouldn’t be able to see him if he had smiled, but the thought of it was enough to keep you occupied. After the Prince bragged about his viola skills for close to an hour, he finally asked what you played.

“Piano, actually. It’s my muse, if you will.” You smile, happy to have finally been included, although it was short lived. The prince then continued to talk about how the Queen could play piano but got sick of it after her sister died and hasn’t played in a very long time. He went on and on about it, and you were starting to wish you had picked up a book on your way in to pass the time.

“Allow me to show you to my favorite section of the library.” The Prince said, forcing you to snap out of your little trance as he held your hand out. You clearly hadn’t been listening for a while because you had no recollection of the previous situation, his voice was very tune-out-able. “I’ve asked the Chaperone and Knight to stay here while I do.” He smiled, and you take his hand, standing from the chair.

“Is that appropriate?” You ask.

“I’m the Prince, I can do what I want.” He shrugs and then proceeds to walk you towards a corner in the library. You look over your shoulder to the Knight one last time before you’re pulled around the corner. “This hall is where I would go when I was mad, isn’t it beautiful?” He asked.

“Yes, it is.” It had mostly desks and only a few bookshelves, but was covered in mirrors on both sides of the walls, showing an endless reflection of thousands of copies of yourself.

“I wanted to give you this, as an engagement present.” He held out a small box wrapped with a blue bow.

“Thank you…” You take the gift out of his hand.

“It was my mother’s.” He said as you untied the bow and opened the box. Inside was a beautiful necklace of a sapphire stone with a gold halo.

“It’s beautiful, thank you.” You held up the necklace to your eyes, watching how it sparkled in the light.

“May I put it on you?” He asked. You nod and hand him the jewelry. Turning around and pulling your hair to the side, you feel him hook the necklace, letting the heavy gem sit against your collarbone. You looked down at it.

“It’s incredibly beautiful, Prince Korkie.” You turn around and smile.

“Please, just Korkie.” He said before forcing a kiss on you, pushing his lips into yours forcefully and holding you in place. It startled you, you hadn’t expected this from him, especially considering how kind he had been before. This was your first kiss and was less than pleasant. You push him off you, and look at him in disbelief. You didn’t want to offend him, but couldn’t mask the look of shock and beytrayal from your face. Your stomach filled with regret, it was customary to not kiss one another until your wedding day, why had he broken that tradition? You felt as though it was your fault he forced himself onto you, and you swallowed back the feeling of anger and distrust. If anyone found out you had kissed him before the wedding, they would all blame you, regardless of who initiated the kiss. You both knew this.

“Excuse me…” You huff passed him, returning to the main room of the library and walked towards the door, you heard your Knight follow you close after, and in a fit of confusion and flusterment, you storm as fast as you can towards your room.

When you two got to a more private part of the palace, closer to the suite, you heard him speak up, “Princess, princess what’s wrong?” You hear your knight say, and before you can ignore him, you feel him grab your hand. It isn’t forceful and it doesn’t hurt, but he’s strong, he wouldn’t be letting you go unless he had to. You turn around to show a tear running down your cheek. “What did he do?” The Guard asked. You swallow thickly and try to look away, darting your eyes behind him, “Look at me.” He said.

“I can’t see your eyes.” You sniffle.

“Please, did he hurt you?” He took a step closer to you, your bodies almost flush against one another.

“We can’t do this here-“

“Did he hurt you?” The knight repeats himself, sterner this time.

You look at his helmet and sigh, “No.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“It doesn’t concern you.” You were embarrassed, and pull your hand away before walking away, trying to get to your room before bursting into tears. You heard him pick up his pace to catch up and then suddenly he was cutting you off with his body, firmly grabbing your shoulders.

“As your Royal Guard, it does concern me. I told you just this morning that I promised to protect you, and now you’ve gotten hurt twice because of my mistakes.” He said, startling you just a bit. No one had ever spoken to you this way, no one had ever shown that they care this much.

“It’s not your fault, really.” You reassure.

“But it is. What did he do to you?”

“It’s… I’m embarrassed. It’s silly and I’ll-“

“Nothing you say could ever be ‘silly’ to me.” He said, his voice hushing as he did, giving you those little goosebumps again.

You sigh, looking up at him and trying to get out your next sentence, “He-he kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it and he broke tradition and it was all so… so forced.�� You admit, feeling as though he would blame you for the kiss.

“He what?”

“You’re really going to make me repeat myself?” You scoff and push passed him, you were almost to your room, if you could make it just a little further-

“He kissed you?” The knight asked.

“Yes. I told you it’s ridiculous but-“

“It’s… not. Ridiculous, that is. It’s not ridiculous. Did he ask if he could?”

“No…” You reply, “I didn’t think he had to.” You raise an eyebrow. “I just wasn't expecting such a stark betrayal of tradition and it startled me and if anyone else find out, they’ll all blame me-“

“He has no right to lay a single finger on you without your permission. He hurt you, and therefore I’ve failed at my job.” He interrupted you.

“Oh-“ You mutter, finally arriving at your door. He had done that without your consent, he had hurt you. The knight was right all along and you were stupid to not accept his help right away. You wipe a tear away from your cheek and open the door. You take a step in, and hold the door open for him to join you. “I have over an hour before dinner… I’ll have to see him again.” You swallow before closing the door.

“I’ll be there by your side, I won’t leave you again. I won’t let him hurt you like that ever again, I promise.” He was firm and confident with his words, giving you a little wave of relief as he spake them.

“Thank you.” You whipser. You take a deep breath and look at him, “You said he can’t do anything without my permission?”

“Yes. That’s how you protect yourself. Don’t give him power he doesn’t deserve.” The Knight explains.

You exhale sharply, “I had never been kissed before.” You admit, looking down at the floor. “It wasn’t what I expected, to say the least.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t… kisses are special, sacred.” He sounded pained as he said them, like it was hard for him to get the words out.

“Have you kissed anyone?” You ask, considering he had a son, you assumed he had, but never really know unless you ask.

“Yes, once, a long time ago.”

“So you haven’t had that helmet on since birth?” You lighten the mood just a little. You hear him chuckle and your stomach is filled with warmth at the noise.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Can you ever take it off?” You ask, walking over to sit on your bed, listening intently, he takes a step in that direction, too.

“Yes, I take it off to eat and bathe and sleep and sometimes I take it off to talk to my son…” He sighs, “But at work, in the palace, in the eyes of other people, it stays on. Always.This is the way.”

“I still don’t understand why.” You tilt your head.

“It… protects us, it keeps our knighthood separate from our manhood, an it’s an ancient tradition practiced by Mandalorians, we do it to respect the culture.” He nods as he speaks.

“Hm, I half expected you to say it was just because you were ugly.” You giggle, and he shakes his head. This time, you knew he was smiling under all that metal.

“Compared to you, I am nothing.” You could hear his smile in his words. You blush and the butterflies in your stomach only grow. You pause for a moment, carefully considering what you were going to say next.

“Will you… will you kiss me?” You ask, looking up at him, he goes still.

“What?”

“Will you kiss me?” You repeat yourself. He doesn’t respond at first, and for a moment, you fear you’ve made a terrible mistake. You wanted him to, you wanted to know what he meant by “kisses are sacred”. He had plagued your mind ever since you first spoke to him and you already have far more affection in your heart for the Knight than for the Prince. You wanted to kiss him.

He sighs in response, and nods once, “Close your eyes, and keep them closed.” You blushed at his agreement.

“Okay.” You say, slowly closing your eyelids and patiently awaiting his next move, feeling triumphant that he agreed. Your body fills with adrenaline as you wait, trying to slow your heart rate with deep breaths.

“Promise to keep them closed?”

“I promise.” You whisper and a few seconds after, you hear the sound of metal hitting metal, and the hollow echo of his helmet being placed on the mattress by where you sit. It took everything in you not to open your eyes, you wanted to look at him, wanted to see his eyes. But you made a promise, you had made promises to each other and had to keep those promises.

Then, ever-so-gently, you feel his warm and forgiving lips against yours.

They’re soft and light, like he didn’t want to hurt you. You melted into his touch, and against your soft skin you felt his stubble run against it. It was rough in the most satisfying and loving sensation possible. He was much kinder than the Prince, so gentle, so true. It wasn’t a very long kiss, but it was more than a peck, and held more passion and intimacy in it than any of the hours you spent with your fiancé combined. He moved just slightly against you, and you felt his bare hand come up to hold your jaw in place as he deepened it for a split second before pulling away. As your lips parted from his, your breath was taken right with them, and you had to consciously remind yourself not to open your eyes.

“Keep them closed, okay?”

“Okay.” You nodded, trying to remember the feel of his kiss. “Thank you.” Your voice was broken, and you wanted another, but before you could ask, you felt the helmet lift off the bed and the sound of gloves being pulled onto hands.

“Open.” He said after a moment, and your eyes fluttered open to see the knighted figure in front of you. “You’re welcome.”

Part three here

[cassandraclare]

I'm sorry to hear that your hard work was leaked but I was curious about what happened. I hope the person faced consequences because that was a very selfish thing to do leaking your work like that :(

I haven’t taken action against the person who leaked the book. I know who they are, since they uploaded the page I signed for them, and I was able to match that against my records. 

I haven’t refrained from taking action because I feel sympathy for them. I don’t. It’s beyond shitty behavior to receive an early, signed book as a gift, and to then leak the entire book online. It’s a shit thing to do to the authors and an equally shit thing to do to other fans. However, I don’t want to put myself (and Wes) through the exhausting, grim and expensive process of legal repercussions. It doesn’t mean what this person did isn’t horrible, and it doesn’t mean they haven’t cost the entire fandom any chance of there ever being an early contest giveaway like that again. They did. There never will be. There will be no ARCs of Chain of Iron, either, and you can thank them for that, too. 

Part of what makes piracy such an issue for authors goes far beyond the individual assholes who upload and distribute and translate stolen books. It’s that the whole system is set up to make it incredibly difficult for us to do anything about it. Publishers do little to nothing to prevent piracy, and authors shoulder the entire burden of searching out and reporting illegal copies of their books. And even then, we’re dependent on whether or not the reported website feels like complying with copyright laws or not. Twitter is incredibly slow to respond, Tumblr is about fifty-fifty on bothering at all. They’re legally required to take action, but they also know that the effort of doing something about it if they do not falls on exhausted, overburdened artists who often can’t afford to follow up with a lawyer’s letter.

And like, I get being broke and wanting to read books; there were a lot of books I had to pass up reading when I was broke (I will be forever grateful to the library system of New York and Brooklyn, which is how I read books at all from about 2001-2004.) I was broke enough that I slept on a bare mattress because I couldn’t afford sheets, but I’m pretty sure if I broke into Bed, Bath and Beyond and stole a bunch of fitted percale bedding I wouldn’t have encountered much sympathy if I got caught. 

I talked about this on Twitter before, and I’ll say it again here though I know it will make very little difference: pirating books doesn’t just hurt the author of those books. It hurts everyone at the publishing company, where the margin of profit is razor-thin (and yes, publishers should do more to protect themselves against piracy; I agree there); it hurts bookstores, especially indie bookstores (I remember doing an event at a store that told me, sadly, that they were likely going to have to close because people “came into the store, looked at the books, took notes, then went home and pirated them.”) It hurts libraries, who rely on circulation for funding, and the shutting down of libraries hurts people who actually can’t afford books.

Now, I know is no way to talk people out of piracy; the internet has normalized it, and besides, people will generally do the cheaper, easier thing — you can’t talk people into not doing something they want to do by telling them it’s wrong, in my experience. They’ll find ways to justify it, whether it be that they can’t afford the book or it isn’t yet available in their language or that they find the author “problematic” and this is the way they’ve chosen to punish them. 

The reason I put “problematic” in quotes is because yes, of course you can read and enjoy work that has problematic elements. Pretty much everything has some element that’s going to be found problematic by someone — which is exactly why deciding that it’s morally excusable to steal from people you think are creating flawed work is more than problematic. Holding creators accountable for their work means critiquing that work, not stealing it.

I listen to a lot of political podcasts, and some of them review work by extreme right-wing politicians etc. who have written books that the podcasters find morally despicable but wish to, or need to, review and discuss. Since they don’t wish to give money to the authors, they buy second-hand copies or take the book out of the library. They certainly don’t steal, translate and distribute copies of the books because they genuinely do not like them and do not want more people reading them. That’s what it looks like when you have an actual moral problem with a book or author. 

However, running multiple fan accounts for a book series, naming your internet identity after characters from that book series, and talking endlessly about “your favorite parts” and how this is “your favorite book” entirely invalidates any argument that you’re doing this because you think the books are bad, evil, etc. If you claim a book is actively homophobic or racist but are so desperate to read it that you’ll steal it, so excited about it that you’ll share that stolen copy, so obsessed that you’ll illegally translate a whole book and provide that stolen translation to as many people as possible, and so dedicated to the fandom that you’ll name yourself after the characters in the books and write poetry about them, I have to tell you: the last thing that looks like is that you actually find the books problematic, regardless of what you say to the contrary. It looks like you like them but don’t want to pay for them, because in fact, that’s the case. (Either that or it looks like you’re really into racist, homophobic books, and making sure as many people read them as possible, which is your problem.)

One of the issues I have with piracy is that it teaches you to hate creators. You have to hate them, because you’re doing a fucking awful thing to them and you have to justify it. This results in lying about creators — about their process, their translations, their research — as if somehow, even if they were bad researchers, that would justify widespread theft. (It doesn’t.) Those who steal books wind up in a headspace where they are obsessed with the content of the books, and entirely unwilling to accept the reality that those books were created by a real person that they’re really harming. It encourages the mentality that I didn’t create Jem or Magnus or Will or Cordelia: they came from some kind of sparkly outerspace planet and I was just lucky enough to get to write down their adventures. It invalidates the hard work creators put into what they create, and in fact, erases their very existence. The internet attitude toward creators is already incredibly toxic (especially if they’re women, LGBT+ and/or BIPOC) and the feeling of entitlement to free content, and vicious hatred toward those who aren’t providing it (even though a lot of creators, me included, provide a great deal of free content) contributes to that. Genuinely, if you’re stealing someone’s work, the least you could do is not also be an asshole about them. (Or pretend you’re Robin Hood. He stole from the rich who had taken property and goods from the poor, and returned that stolen wealth. He didn’t steal from artists and independent bookstores and use that stealing to benefit himself and his friends. The idea is actually kind of funny.) 

 I understand there is a pressure to be up to date on the books that are being released so as to participate in fandom, and I do get that. Unfortunately, piracy has real consequences that stretch beyond just hurting me and Wes. Because LGBT+ books are pirated at such an incredible rate, and we’ve definitely seen that with TEC, I am left wondering if there will ever be an actual Spanish translation of TEC, or whether the publisher will decide not to bother because it’s already been so thoroughly pirated in Spanish. I have to wonder if there will even be a third book of TEC at all, or whether publishers will feel it isn’t worth doing. And I have to wonder why the people who create this situation so often have usernames that include Jem or Magnus or Alec or Cordelia or Julian or Tessa. What an incredible misunderstanding of those characters, to imagine a world in which Will Herondale or Magnus Bane or James Carstairs would approve of stealing books and harming writers. And why name yourself after a character who absolutely couldn’t stand you? I don’t know. I don’t get it, any more than I get hating someone who provided you with something you claim is your favorite book. 

That was a much longer answer than you were probably expecting or hoping for, and I know I’ll get yelled at quite thoroughly for writing it. Writers always do, when we engage with the issue of piracy. I know most of you reading this acquire your books honestly; most of you are not like this at all. But like most things on the internet, a small amount of people really do have the power to make things pretty rotten for everyone else.