#how adhd feels
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The ADHD urge to panic when the job is (well) done and you're free but your mind doesn't like it so the happy rush longs for about 5 minutes and you're once again panicking because there's nothing to panic about *for now*.
Or: I passed the test for my driving license and I'm sad cause I can't focus/procrastinate on it anymore.
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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You stood still for too long. Now god knows where you are 😕
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Full name
#payneland#edwin x charles#dead boy detectives#dbda#that idea that people only use your full name when you're in trouble#and how that would be very distressing for charles wants to be liked by everyone rowland#also my adhd boy probably was a problem child and i have feelings about it
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Being a creative with adhd is so weird because you want to make things so badly but your brain is just refusing to, so you’re just stuck there replaying the exact scene or piece of dialogue or drawing or cinematic shot in your mind while not actually being able to do anything. But at the same time the adhd is actively giving you unique creative experiences and ideas and it feels like a fundamental part of you as an artist. It’s such an interesting dichotomy of feeling the thing that you want to make so strongly and wanting nothing more than to just pour it all out but also being completely unable to do it, and that coming from the same source. But then also you have to live through said dichotomy and it just becomes completely and overwhelmingly exhausting.
#adhd stuff#I have so much to say on writing and how my adhd and general neuroticism affects it#like even aside from the executive dysfunction and depressive episodes and processing issues that also mess up my ability to write or draw#this feels like such a core mental illness experiences for me idk#actually adhd#mental illness
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Does anyone else feel lonesome?
Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.
Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.
Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.
Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.
#life#deep thoughts#deep feelings#how do I tag this?#mental illness#?#autism#is this the autism?#audhd#adhd#neurodivergence#neurodivergent#psychology#alone#lonesome#lonely#loneliness#ace#asexual#aro#aromantic#aroace
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A lot of us with ADHD are familiar with the concept of time blindness, but for anyone who isn't: it's a neurological inability to have a consistent sense of the passage of time. If you put me in an empty room, gave me a button and told me to press it when I think it's been 15 minutes, I might press it after..... idk, anywhere between 3 minutes and 2 hours? And if we repeated it the next day the result would probably be wildly different!
But something I've only seen mentioned in one (1) Reddit post, which took some extensive digging to find, is the same effect extending to ALL things measured in numbers. Distance, weight, length, height, amount, space, volume, percentage... For me, small numbers are a bit easier, I could approximate a centimetre probably, but a metre would be much harder and 10 or 100 would likely miss the mark by a lot. Also, anything that can't be easily measured with a ruler or a measuring tape (like weight or volume) is even harder since I don't encounter reference points (like a 1kg hand weight) for those as frequently as I see visual representations of specific lengths.
It's not dyscalculia or anything like that, I'm decent at math (and the OP of the Reddit post was a math major) and I have no other difficulties with numbers, it's just a disconnect in translating real life experiences like sensory input into numbers (and possibly also inconsistent processing of sensory input? Like how the same sound volume is okay one day but hurts my ears the next?), which I think is basically the same thing as what happens with time blindness. For now I've been calling it "measurement blindness" since I've never seen a name for it anywhere, but maybe "quantity blindness" could also work?
I've talked to other people with time blindness to see if they experience this too, but so far none of them have known what I'm talking about. I'd really like to know how many of us are out there and if anyone knows literally anything actually scientific about this very inconvenient phenomenon!
Tl;dr: bc I am wordy:
It's like time blindness but for all things measured in numbers
Not dyscalculia or caused by it
Pretty much never seen it talked about anywhere
Please tell me if it sounds familiar and/or you know something about it, thank
#adhd#time blindness#let me tell you it gets real fucking awkward every time someone asks for my estimate on anything numbers based#like 'hey kuura how far would you say the store is? like a km maybe one and a half?'#and i'm like buddy you'd get a better answer from a toddler than me#and even if i took a precisely 1km walk every day#it would feel like a different distance every fucking time#especially if the route was always different#nd things
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There’s an underlying bitterness in Percy’s tone in this scene, despite the fact that he’s making a “joke,” that couples with the way he doesn’t look at his mom while he says it but kind of just stares distantly. And also the way his eyebrows go up and down in a quick, wry — and almost judgmental, even — way.
This one singular line hit me so hard as a neurodivergent person because it’s all you need to see the way that Percy feels about his own inability to do “basic” things, like pay attention. He’s making a joke that’s also a dig at himself for “screwing up” in some way and it felt so relatable.
And the fact that it’s basically setting up him the next scene when he tells his mom that he thinks there’s something “broken” in his brain?
It hurt in all the best ways that seeing an accurate representation of yourself in a series that’s been your comfort series since the moment you picked it up 🥲
#send help#neurodivergent percy jackson#adhd percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#pjo fandom#percy jackson#pjo tv show#pjo disney+#percy series#sally jackson#pjo ep 1#accurate representation#it’s so comforting#but so painful#because of how real it feels#rick riordan#riordanverse#percy jackson show#percy jackson gif#pjo gif#and when he gets frustrated because he feels like his mom won’t listen to him#because he thinks he needs help#that felt personal#i love this series so much
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Taking the current topic as an excuse to ask you to tell me all the reasons you love Rarijack. Your art for the ship is so sweet and intimate I'd love to hear any in depth thoughts you have.
Breathes in.
I think what makes their dynamic really strong is that they have opposing personalities but aligned values. It's deeper than just "opposites attract." Rarity's fancy, prissy, and femme while Applejack's modest, rough, and "masculine." But both value hard work (to the point of being workaholics), their families (both have guardianship over their little sisters), running successful businesses, and eventually each other. Their relationship can be boiled down to, "Despite our differences/disagreements, I still like you because we value the same things."
We see their relationship develop so much. In the first season, they can't stop bickering about surface-level differences. By season four, they still bicker, but will mend their relationship because they can't help but do nice things for each other. In Trade Ya, they start off arguing over personality differences (Applejack likes old junk and Rarity likes useless crap). Then they pivot and start arguing that they value their relationship more than the other. In the end, they mend things by sacrificing their needs and buying each other a gift. Even if they don't understand it, they know it'd make the other happy. And that's all that really matters. It's a genuinely sweet moment that shows how arguing can be healthy and necessary for relationships to strengthen.
We even see them dropping their hang-ups about each others' personalities. In Made in Manehattan, when Rarity runs off in dramatics about someone's fashion, AJ doesn't roll her eyes or scoff, she smiles. Oftentimes, their conflicts are very common domestic conflicts romantic couples face. Applejack's Day Off is about a woman's inability to balance work and life and find time to properly spend with her partner, causing her partner to feel neglected.
By season seven, they're actively participating in each others' interests. Any problems or conflicts that arise are dealt with, and they come out the other end stronger and closer. In Honest Apple, AJ pretty much spells out why their relationship works so well: even though she doesn't understand fashion, she can recognize and appreciate how much work it takes and wants to respect that. When she realizes her mistake in the episode, AJ goes above and beyond to fix things and apologize to Rarity. They care about each other so much.
The two go out of their way, sacrificing their personal desires and beliefs and doing things they normally wouldn't, to make the other happy. That's just love.
There's Simple Ways, where AJ gets stuck in an unwanted love triangle between Rarity and her hipster crush. And her frustration and anger can be so easily interpreted as AJ finding herself in a terrible position; the girl she loves wants another man, and that man wants her.
I dunno. I've always had a preference for opposites attract ships, but Rarijack's stuck with me like a brain worm because they have the perfect chemistry. The way they show they care, or do things for each other, I've always read it as the truest representation of romance in the show.
#rarijack#i refuse to be embarrased by how much i know about this damn pony show#this is part of the reason why i never bought into appledash unfortunately. their values aren't aligned#rd lies a lot and often for very self serving reasons#and she distances herself from her family because they're. cringe? overbearing? her parents are very loving and supportive#meanwhile aj's. whole fucking thing. is honesty and family#ask me#anon#this is why it's still a little baffling they aren't canon#we got SO much real development with so much potential subtext#and it never really crossed the finish line#i dunno every time they do something to show they care i'm reminded of myself and my partner too#whenever i see something that's inconvenient or complicated or against my personality (adhd haver) but i know it'd make my#boyfriend happy. i do it anyways. and i always think to myself “wow. that's what love is. that's what it feels like”
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I have a disproportionately loud mess of a head for no discernible reason* so it’s kind of a miracle that I spent the last month and some change willing myself to wield watercolor again. Witness the struggle! A long overdue color sketch for a (super patient) client.
Just watercolor with a boop of gouache.
*they are a mush of small but immense problems??? Executive dysfunction being maximized by meds the main culprit…
#watercolors#work in progress#equine#commissioned work#color study#traditional media#traditional art#you wouldn’t believe how much I want to hyperfocus on this piece for a week state#but the burnout and year long hiatus have shaken my confidence to its core#and I was never a confident person to begin with#it’s a horrible feeling and I have had to borrow J’s will to conquer it in any way#I celebrate even the smallest victory these days otherwise I’d burst#can you believe my adhd diagnosis was inconclusive?#no I’m fan but I am getting tired of relying on my brain to punch itself#i need new meds holy shit#there are not enough apologies to make up for how I feel about making everyone wait
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Some Symptoms of ADHD from Someone who is diagnosed:
Forgetfulness that impacts daily life
Difficulty remembering others names and even faces
Hard to stop fidgeting or moving when bored. Difficult to stop even when aware
Hyperfocus
Lack of motivation in tasks, even more so when external motivations are not given
Difficulty in being organized for extended periods of time
[[Symptoms of Adult ADHD]]
#on a post from a week ago I saw so many people talk about their ADHD and the stigma around it#and i just had a really good conversation with one of my friends about ADHD and.... I just want to create a safe space here for it#ADHD is awful and not enough people talk about how truly detrimental it can be. You gaslight yourself. You mask. You feel shame.#it is so so important for me to create a safe space for people here about ADHD. And people NEED to understand our struggles.#i am literally making this post in a cold sweat because I had this thought in the car AND I HAD TO MAKE THIS POLL#ADHD#adhd problems#bread#my polls
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ADHD maths:
I had an appointment today at 12 pm. Train takes 40 minutes, that means I have to leave the house at 10.45, that means I have to get a shower at 9.30, so if I want to have breakfast, I have to wake up at 8.30 or so.
I was thinking about this last night after working on my house reno until late, so I wanted to sleep 8 hours, but it was 11 pm and I hadn't had dinner yet.
Dinner and trying to relax, I went to bed late, past midnight.
My brain: well, since it seems you don't take this seriously, then why sleep at all?!
So my brain started bombing me with random scenarios that raised up my anxiety levels.
I woke up with the phone ringing, far earlier than I had to for the appointment. Doctor had to cancel the appointment.
I haven't slept at all just for this?!
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How to say no
Positively DBT - BDD, Autism, ADHD Peer Support
#boundaries#how to say no#blocking someone is also setting boundaries too#take care of yourself mentally#mental health#it’s okay to say no#feel free to share/reblog#Positively DBT - BDD Autism ADHD Peer Support (Facebook)
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hyperfixating on old media sucks because in order to engage with the community you must risk spoilers. I NEED to see memes. I NEED to see peoples' takes. or my hyperfixation will die a sad and lonely death and I don't want that!!!
#IT'S SO LONELY#and the media is always so LONG too#tag w/ your fandoms#specifically talking about 2000's tv shows#psych#house md#especially house md#like holy shit there's 8 seasons. how the hell am I supposed to watch all that??#every time I see a spoiler I feel like crying#adhd#adhd problems#autism#neurodivergent#media consumption#malpractice md#hatecrimes md#psych tv#psych 2006#psych tv show#canon k talks#canon ♾️ talks
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Idk new post bc the last lost traction, no donations in a week. We need 450 for the rest of February, 450 for a deposit, and 950 for March, 50 for the rest of the utilities. We were homeless since Aug 2020 excepting 4 different months whose places fell through for various reasons, have to get rid of the van we were living in because it's falling apart, Collie got FFS December 28th, she's recovering well and maybe could do something with a car if we had a better car, given her ability to drive. I still haven't found much work but I'm still looking. Anything helps.
paypal.me/NoraEstherRose
venmo: nora-esther-rose
venmo: Leah-Esther-Rose
#i wish i could get a loan ? i hate how little my parents have ever helped me. we rely too much on collies mom who can only do so much#we both have various disabilities we still are in the process of understanding.... i hope i get adhd meds soon. :(#we havent been able to afford better anti depressants for over a week now. i hate feeling dependent#i wish it were a prescription.... stupid world. stupid time
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and if I said that dennis’ insistence on being the breadwinner/provider despite literally being a pampered princess who dgaf about traditional roles of masculinity in every other regard (aside from ego) is because his mom only stayed with/chose frank for his wealth and dennis is highly aware that he’s difficult to love and unable to show his emotions openly so he has to be contributing something to the relationship materially in order to feel like he’s worth staying for… and mac grew up with parents who were extremely ambivalent to him and eachother so he has to overcompensate by proving his worth at every given moment and seeking praise/validation from people (and religious icons) who will never demonstrate the same amount of dedication to him but he has no idea how else to desperately keep himself close to those he loves other than by eroding himself into something they’ll approve of… dear god they’re both exactly what the other needs — someone who can’t and won’t leave them even if they try — and they don’t even see it…
#dennis thinks he’s losing his edge and mac thinks he’s perfect anyway#mac feels like no one in his life has ever needed him enough to stay but dennis can’t stay away#IM ILLLLLL about these men from the world’s stupidest sitcom#sorry if this got a little freudian I don’t LITERALLY mean it in the sense that mac/dennis are seeking something that reminds them of their#parents (gross) (although pretty character accurate to the SINNED system)#but rather that our childhoods teach us what we should expect and look out for in life#and it never really leaves us#this all stemmed from me contemplating MADMTTS and how it would’ve made way more sense for mac (high energy adhd) to be out in the world#and dennis (bpd anger issues) to be indoors free from the triggers of the world#but they INSISTED on mac being housewife dennis being breadwinner#same as their little battle over supposed roles/dynamics as hugh honey/vic vinegar/brian lefevre etc#you are two queer men why on earth do you care about sticking to heterosexual gender roles#but it was never about the gender roles it was about what they self-assign their value to…#mac and dennis#mac mcdonald#dennis reynolds#iasip#it’s always sunny in philadelphia#its always sunny#macdennis#macden
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