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made-my-peace-with-all-the-bad · 2 days ago

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Ponyboy and Johnny’s relationship through Darrel’s eyes

Darrel had never paid much attention to his youngest brother’s relationship with Johnny. He saw it of course, but it took him a while to finally get it. Hell, he’d seen it for its entirety. He was there from the birth until the death of their bond, a death that came with the death of Johnny. He had always seen them, but it was never on the forefront of his mind.

He distinctly remembers when they met. Ponyboy was seven and he’d been with them for a year. He trusted all of them now, but he still followed Darrel like a mini shadow. He’d figured that Pony did that cause Darrel could practically sense what he was thinking or needed before he said anything. He knew from just one look how his baby brother was feeling. He knew what to do and how to make him feel better. He always knew exactly how to calm Ponyboy down from a nightmare or what story he wanted before bed.

Darrel was the only who knew and understood Ponyboy like that. Until Johnny Cade came along. He came around for the first time with Soda. Mama had gone to pick up Soda from school and came home with Soda and another, smaller boy whose ear he was talking off. The boy was Soda’s age but looked closer to Pony’s. He had messy, curly hair and had bruised that reminded Darrel of the ones Pony had when he first came to them. He was quiet. Quieter than a kid his age oughta be. But Soda always was good at making other seem quieter.

Darrel got up from where he was sitting with Ponyboy and walked them both over to introduce themselves. Darrel had knelt down and introduced himself, noting silently that Johnny flinched back just a bit, before pushing Pony to do the same. His baby brother had awkwardly stuck his hand out, not quite comfortable with new people yet, and quietly said his name. The anxious-eyed boy had mumbled something in response that neither brother caught. Ponyboy had tilted his head in an almost dog like manner before responding with a simple, “huh?”. The boy sucked in a quick breath before repeating himself a little louder but still a borderline whisper, “‘m johnny”.

The moment those words left his mouth and he lifted his head so his eyes met Ponyboy, it was like the glue holding Pony to Darrel softened and he formed a new bond to one Johnny Cade.

Darrel also remembers the first time he watched them silently communicate. Ponyboy was 10 and Johnny was 12. Darrel was in charge of picking of his brother and taking him home after football practice ended. That in turn meant that Paul was also dragged into this cause he insisted on driving Darrel home so he wouldn’t have to walk.

Darrel pulled back and began to pull his hand off of Paul’s neck as he kissed him once more, this one slower and softer, before shifting back over across the bench seat of the front of Paul’s mustang. He’d caught a glimpse of his brother and Johnny walking towards them and knew he couldn’t be seen like this. Still, he knew his hair was tousled from Paul’s fingers getting tangled in it, and if Paul’s reddened face and kiss swollen lips were anything to go off of, he must’ve looked wrecked. He tried to smooth his curls back into place before he heard the familiar click of the backseat door being opened and the two boys sliding in.

Darrel tried to make his voice sound less breathy when he asked them how their day was. When he was met with silence, he turned around to glance into the backseat, unsure if they were ok. Ponyboy and Johnny were looking at each other and their eyes seemed to exchange a million words in a silent language only they understood. It was as if a simple look or raised eyebrow allowed them into each other’s minds. Darrel felt as if he was disturbing them to watch, it felt far too intimate to watch.

Darrel was no stranger to looks that spoke when voices couldn’t, he himself had hundreds with Paul every day, but this was deeper than that. Paul and Darrel could read each other through glances and small body language, but Ponyboy and Johnny understood everything the other was thinking with just a single stare. It was like they understood each other so completely.

Darrel hadn’t realized he was staring off while lost in his thoughts until he felt a warm hand slip into his. He shifted his head to glance over at Paul, who was giving him a slightly worried look, before he felt his hand squeeze his own, a silent ask of are you ok? Darrel gave a small but reassuring smile before squeezing back twice. Yeah, I’m ok. Darrel spared one more glance back at his baby brother and his best friend before Paul started driving them back home. The two were still speaking in whatever silent language they had, but they seemed satisfied and happy, so Darrel decided to just enjoy the warmth of the fingers intertwined with his on the front seat and watch the slow sunset on the drive across the tracks.

The first time Darrel questioned the nature of Pony and Johnny’s relationship was when he was 19. It was the summer after his freshman year of college and he was back with his family until late August when he would get in the car and Paul would drive them back up to school. It wasn’t far, but Paul didn’t want to stay in his house and insisted Darrel share a dorm with him. Darrel was happy to oblige because, after all, he had gotten a full ride football scholarship and he longed for the slow domesticity and privacy a dorm would give them compared to Darrel’s constantly busy and small home and Paul’s all too big and all too empty house that he felt like a stranger in. But that was later, now, Darrel was home for the summer and very glad to be in the constant presence of his little brothers again.

He was sitting in the front seat of Paul’s car as they pulled into his driveway when he saw them. Pony and Johnny were sitting on the steps of the front porch together. Johnny was leaning his head on Pony’s shoulder and his eyes were shut, glory, he looked so peaceful and lord knows that’s a rare sight for that kid. But what really caught Darrel’s attention was the way Pony was looking at him. He was staring at him like he was the most important thing to have ever existed in the world, like Pony would just need to keep staring and all his problems would go away.

Darrel watched them and just thought. It wasn’t too strange of a thought for Pony to think of Johnny that way, but it was dangerous. Darrel knew that better than anyone. But the more he considered the idea, the more pieces fell into place. It explained the silent communication, the way Johnny seemed most comfortable with Pony, how he really only trusted their mama, Pony, or Darrel himself to clean up his cuts and bruises from home. Darrel glanced over and saw Paul having the same debate in his mind. What was going on between those two?

They were gone. Their parents. Mama and Dad. They were gone. They died. A train hit their car. That’s what was circling Darrel’s head as he listened to the cops at his front door. He could hear his voice responding, but it felt distant, like it wasn’t coming from him. He snapped back into reality when the door shut and the flashing blue and red lights got more distant.

He could feel his brothers behind him. Pony had been there since the police arrived cause seeing those lights always put him on edge and heightened his anxiety. He didn’t have great memories associated with them, so he saw them and was immediately clinging to Darrel because Darrel was his big brother, his protector. Soda was standing by his shoulder. Glory, Darrel couldn’t even bring himself to look at Soda cause he knew exactly what he’d see and he knew it’d break him. That couldn’t happen, not anymore. He was the oldest now. He needed to step up.

And just like that, Darrel’s brain was set into fix it mode. He couldn’t bring his parents back, but he could hold his brothers as they cried. He could rub Pony’s back and kiss his head and he could wrap Soda in his strong embrace and promise him that they’d be ok. He could start transferring the mortgage to his name and he could get a job and he could get custody of his brothers and he could, no, he would drop out. He had to.

That’s how Darrel gently passed his brothers off to their best friends. That’s how he particularly noticed Ponyboy curling into Johnny like being closer to him was the only thing that could keep Ponyboy alive. He watched as Johnny started running his fingers through Pony’s deep brown hair and whispered quietly to him. He watched as he took care of Pony like it was what he was made for and there’s nothing he’d rather do. It was like just being in Johnny’s arms was enough to calm Ponyboy down just a little bit.

Darrel watched and thanked whatever god might be watching that his baby brother had someone who understood him so instinctively because lord knows that with all Darrel now had to do, he might not have the time to be there for his brother as much. But Johnny would be, and that reassured Darrel enough for him to drive down to the hospital and identify the bodies of the people who raised him then pick up all the custody forms he’d need and prepare himself for the long battle ahead.

But Pony was also always there for Johnny. Like when Johnny got jumped. Glory, Darrel remembers that day so vividly.

He pulled into the driveway and ran a hand through his sweaty curls and sighed to himself. He tried to relax his muscles, but it was as if he lived in a constant state of tension now. Life had been unkind before, but it was damn near mocking him now. It was summer, so of course he not only worked long and intense hours, but he also got to see Paul wandering the town. And he had to just pretend that it didn’t feel like salt in a god damn gaping wound. But Darrel had made his choice and he’d do it a million times over again if he had to. He loves Paul, but his brothers will always come first.

What Darrel didn’t expect to see when he looked up was Ponyboy standing on the old front porch chewing on his lip and anxiously fidgeting with his fingers and tapping his foot. Shit. Whatever caused that wasn’t good. Darrel quickly got out of the car and pretended it didn’t feel like a bullet hit his heart when Pony flinched back at the car door slam. Shit. Shit. Shit. He knew he wasn’t around as much as he oughta be, but god, Pony hadn’t flinched from him in years.

It’s fine, that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was figuring out why the hell his baby brother looked so shaken up and why there was blood on his hands and his t-shirt. Darrel finally reached him and, while trying to fully pull in air and keep his voice steady, “hey kiddo, you wanna tell me what’s got you so worked up?”. Pony got a scared look in his eyes and just walked back into the house, prompting Darrel to follow him. Ponyboy dragged Darrel over to the couch and simply pointed as a new wave of fear and tears filled his eyes.

Fuck.

That was Johnny. And he was the farthest thing from ok. His face was beaten almost beyond recognition, but that shirt he always wore and his blood spotted yellow shoes gave him away. There was dried blood on his face, arms, and in his hair. There was a cut on his neck and cheek, definitely ones that came from a blade. Damn socs, course they decided to go too far when poor Johnny was all alone. Shit, ok, he needed their first aid kit, water, and lots of ice and pain meds. Darrel turned to see if Pony was right enough to get them before opting to ask Steve instead.

Ponyboy looked like just the sight of Johnny like that would make him hurl right then and there. He had a horrified look on his eyes and was shaky and pale. Darrel gently placed a hand on Pony’s shoulder and carefully, as if he was trying not to crack a thin layer of ice, asked if maybe Ponyboy wanted to wait outside. At the suggestion of leaving Johnny, Ponyboy quickly shook his head and instead moved closer. He softly took Johnny’s less blood covered and bruised hand in his and began to slowly rub it. And glory, Johnny managed to tilt his head just a bit and looked at Ponyboy with so much more love than Darrel would’ve expected anyone to be able to manage in this kind of scenario. But then again, Pony and Johnny always did have something beyond definition.

So Ponyboy stayed by Johnny’s side the entire time Darrel cleaned him up, then he stayed with Johnny until Johnny was ok to go back home again. Darrel had insisted that Johnny stay with them for at least a week cause he didn’t need his parents beating on him while he was still healing. Johnny stayed and Pony was glued to him. Darrel might’ve been working, but he still noticed. He noticed when he’d come home and see Ponyboy quietly reading aloud next to Johnny. He noticed that sometimes Pony stayed on the couch next to his best friend. He noticed that what they had went beyond normal friendship. He noticed but decided against commenting out of fear that he’d accidentally widen the growing fracture in his and Pony’s relationship.

Darrel thought that maybe it was mostly something Ponyboy felt. Maybe that’s why he noticed it, cause he was paying attention to his kid brother’s behavior. But then Ponyboy had gotten jumped.

Darrel’s heart was beating a million miles an hour when he ran up to his baby brother and shook him. He had to wake up. He had too because the alternative was far too terrifying to consider. Darrel already lost his parents, he couldn’t lose his youngest brother too.

Maybe he was more aggressive than he meant to be he always seemed to be these days, but the minute his brother blinked and started talking, relief flooded his system. Ponyboy was ok. A little shaken, and he would probably have a few nasty bruises tomorrow, but he was ok. No lasting damage. Glory, he needed to be more careful. He should know better than to go over to the west side, especially alone. He should’ve waited. He shouldnt have gone there to begin with.

Suddenly the rest of the gang was there so Darrel was quick to jump up and wipe the emotion from his face. Emotion meant vulnerability, and he couldn’t show that. Not to the kids he needed to protect. Not in front of his family. Still, he didn’t let his eyes wander far from Pony, who now had Johnny sitting next to him.

Johnny. The poor kid looked even more shaken than he had. ‘Course he did though, after all, his own jumping was traumatizing, and now he had to see his best friend go through a similar pain. Darrel’s eyes graced the form of the nervous boy as he fidgeted with the bottom his jacket with shaking fingers before reaching back to grab the rag he always kept tucked in his back pocket.

Darrel expected him to maybe wipe some remaining grease off his hands or just pull at one of the loose threads to soothe himself through his anxiety, but instead, he watched as Johnny gently lifted the rag to wipe some of the remaining blood of Pony’s face. It was such a simple gesture, but something about the way Johnny did it made it seem as if he was saying a thousand words through the gentle rub of the rag on Darrel’s baby brother’s face.

It was a care filled and simple action, but it made Darrel second guess the nature of the love between his brother and Johnny. It made him question what it was. It didn’t seem romantic in the way that Darrel and Paul’s relationship was, but it went beyond the normal platonic bonds that the rest of the gang had with one another. It was as if their relationship wasn’t bound by typical labels. It was something that only made sense to the two of them, but if it made them happy, Darrel was fine letting it be that way.

Suddenly, Johnny Cade was gone. He died young and vulnerable, his body finally giving in to the burns and smoke from the church fire. He fought until the very end and he made sure his last goodbye was said to Ponyboy. Glory, Johnny’s death fucked Ponyboy up bad.

He remembers Ponyboy folding into Soda on the hospital room floor and he remembers hearing the most gut wrenching and painful sobs escape Ponyboy. But then he went quiet. Darrel sat and watched as his baby brother refused to eat or sleep for days after it happened. Darrel was filled with terror for those days cause he was so damn worried that Ponyboy would end up killing himself from neglect. He needed him to come back. He needed his brother to survive.

Darrel hated the grief Ponyboy was experiencing. He was suffering so badly and he didn’t deserve to. But god, it was like part of Ponyboy died beside Johnny that day, as if part of his soul was lost to the grasp of death. Ponyboy was grieving so intensely and it took that for Darrel to finally realize that Johnny was his brother’s person. They were one in the same, one soul split between two bodies. Losing Johnny was something that would permanently change his brother.

Darrel realized it and he started seeing it everywhere the moment he did. He saw it in the way Ponyboy would talk about Johnny and the time they spent. He saw it in his brother’s writing. He saw it in the way he’d stare at sketches he’d made of Johnny with a longing look in his eyes, as if he was begging the pencil lines to be able to carry the silent conversations he used to have with Johnny. He saw it in the way Ponyboy started keeping Johnny’s clothes with his old giraffe. He saw it in the red and tear swollen eyes Ponyboy would sometimes come into his room with. He saw it in the things Ponyboy did that he picked up from Johnny.

Darrel never paid much attention to Johnny and Pony’s relationship, except for the small moments when he did. In those moments, he saw unconditional love that defied the boundaries of platonic and romantic. He saw two people who meant so much to each other and fought and loved for each other in ways most wouldn’t. He saw such a deep bond that many would spend their lives longing for that those two had lost too early. He saw, in the simplest of terms, soulmates, unbound by a label.

#heh #yeah #I fear I may have yapped #just a little #sigh #I love them #so much #they’re so #AUGH #god #I can’t even #adopted Ponyboy au

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