#heartfelt experiences

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

[minimalist-quotes]

Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.

-Sylvia Plath

[hawnks]

You guys have to get weird about dandadan with me I can't do this alone

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

miles kane, swg3 glasgow 01/02/2024

oh my god oh my GOD i don't even know where to start. last night was hands down not just one of the best gigs of my life, but one of the best nights of my life full stop. it's twenty four hours later and my heart just feels so full and i still can't stop smiling with pure happiness 🥹 i've been to a LOT of gigs over the years, and a lot of those have been really amazing gigs too - but this one. wow. there was truly just something so special about this one that i know i'll carry with me for a long time to come 💗

i feel like i could ramble endlessly about all the things that made it so incredible (i.e. literally everything), so to try and avoid writing an actual essay, here are a few bullet points of my favourite things:

being right in the front row was AMAZING for obvious reasons, but also because of the number of times miles made eye contact with me and smiled at me as he was singing 😭 (naturally any time this happened i smiled back like a total idiot and forgot all the words) me and the lovely human i was there with were the only ones at the barrier who were really getting into it at the start, and i got the sense he loved seeing how much we were loving being there 💗

miles just has the most incredible energy ✨ that's absolutely something you pick up from listening to his music, watching interview etc - but it's quite something else to experience in person. the moment he walks into a room he just gives off such good vibes and such warmth. there's such a sense of groundedness to him as well as all the amazing passion, and also idk. i feel like in person you can really feel the sensitivity and vulnerability that's so present in his music too. he truly lights up a room and just has such a knack for holding everyone captive 💫

getting to witness miles being overwhelmed and unable to stop smiling at how enthusiastic the crowd was truly wonderful 🥹 you could just *feel* how much it all meant to him, and watching him get all the love and appreciation he deserves was just magic 💖

at the end, he came down into the crowd towards me and was making direct eye contact and then he FUCKING SPOKE TO ME??????? 😭 i was too dazed to actually take in what he was saying (i'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "i like your necklace" but honestly who knows lol), and it was very brief because naturally i wasn't the only person in the crowd he was saying hi to, but fucking HELL. i was totally, totally unprepared 😭 i then had the privilege of a sweaty miles kane leaning over me to high five the people behind me, and i held his hand and - yeah. it was all so truly surreal that i might think i'd imagined it if it wasn't for the fact i can literally see the moment in this video 😭

i was there with @perfectly-clear-from-here and we were both just utterly ECSTATIC after the show, it was amazing getting to share the sheer giddy joy of all that with one of the loveliest humans i know 💜

and then of course (as if all of that wasn't already enough to make it the most wonderful night), we MET MILES after the show 😭😭 i've already rambled about that here so i won't do it again, but - yeah. let's just say he truly is the most wonderful person with the loveliest energy, and he is so easy to be around 🥹

the last six months or so have not been easy ones for me, and this felt like the most wonderful break in the clouds that just - idk. really restored me to myself. it was so special to get to experience live so many of the amazing songs that have got me through and been such a comfort in the difficult times, and i am just so endlessly grateful to miles for his courage in creating and sharing all that he shares 💗

**please do not repost my photos without permission**

[jazze-bee]

guys i just finished reading handplates and i feel so empty it was so good but also everything hurts. god its worse than when i finished act-to-flirt why are these undertale fan series just ripping my beating heart out and shoving it down my throat i cant take this i seriously cant take this theyre finally happy despite everything guys i seriously cant i

[lets-go-hurt-someone]

The best thing for me about the Dark Urge origin was being like, wow, okay, so I can play a character I totally relate with: a literal piece of shit crafted by a vile and cruel god to be hated by everyone and plagued by migraines, anxiety, and the most heinous intrusive thoughts known to man! He’s mentally ill and had a very problematic youth he’s probably better off just fucking deleting, just like me!

And then the game bonks you on the head and goes, “Nope. No one is inherently evil. So what if you used to eat babies, you didn’t know any better then and now you’re trying. You still deserve love and grace and a chance at peace. Sorry! Deal with it! Stop hating yourself! Here’s a smorgasbord of hotties to choose from who are going through the same thing!”

Fuck I love this game. It’s so much cheaper than therapy.

[theultimatekamehamehavoc]

Ranking the Trio based on how they'd potentially parent

Makoto - He definitely has the most in regards of handling kids. I doubt he just sat their and did nothing while Komaru was growing up. Not that he'd be able to do TOO much since Makoto and Komaru aren't that far in age, but I feel he would have had the opportunity to observe and learn that way. Being an older sibling as well lends him to have a bit more experience with caring for those younger than him. Thus, I can see Makoto being pretty good at this. Or well, he'd say it's average but this guy can't help but undersell himself like that. Feel he'd be a good, classic dad.

Byakuya - Yeah. He has absolutely nothing. Or does he...??? OoOoOo! After all, there could be a SLIVER of chance though that he was educated in how to care for kids due to the fact that he's the heir. He's gotta make a ton of them. Buuuuuut, he could just, give the kids off to the maids or butlers something. So yeah. Circles back around to nope. He's got nothing. The added part is that he was the youngest in his family too, specifically in the competition though still the youngest there. Thus, he'd probably have a lot to learn before he can start potentially raising the kid.

Kyoko - Like Byakuya, she probably has minimal experience due to both her personality and how she was raised. However, unlike Byakuya, she doesn't have the "she might have learned at least something about childcare due to rich boy" excuse that might give her a change of having prior knowledge on kids. She legit has nothing. However, unlike him, I feel she'd be quicker to learn and, in adulthood, understand kids more than he does though both of them would be in a bit of a learning curve together regardless. Byakuya's just going to take more time and be petty with the fact that Kyoko and Makoto are excelling at this child care stuff more than him.

In regards on how I feel the three would work together in a parenting scenario (either the three are a thing or they're all just helping out), I feel they'd work good together! They'd really be able to cultivate a well rounded child with their differing approaches and ways of handling a child. Feel Makoto would be good with giving the kid a good sense or morality, Byakuya would ensure the kid knows their worth and can be proud of their achievements, Kyoko can teach the kid good critical thinking skills, and that's just scratching the surface of the possibilities! The trio would also be able to help each other out if the other's not as well versed with a certain task. For example, I feel Byakuya would have trouble changing the baby. There's also the mix of just general parenting troubles they'd face along the way. Furthermore, some other general thoughts I have on this concept is Hiro would be such a goofy uncle. He gives such good weird uncle energy. The kind of uncle one would wanna hang out with for sure and hear crazy stories from. Maybe a few conspiracy theories might be told as well though I'm sure the kid could eventually snuff out the truth eventually, no matter if one, two or all of the trio are parenting the kid. All three of them are smart in their own ways, that's for sure! Moreover, I feel Hina would be a cool ass aunt, definitely trying to get the kid into swimming and being nice to have donuts around every time they visit. Feel she'd also just be really fun to be around (she IS the older sibling in her own family too), the type of aunt who'd spill embarrassing stuff the trio might of done as in their youth. Feel Toko would also have good aunt potential too in a different way than Hina. She'd be the type one would get good book recommendations from. Also, while Hiro and Hina are more high energy, Toko's a lot more reserved so visits with her would be a lot less chaotic and more of an opportunity for learning for the kid whenever they're around. (Syo can supply any chaos anyway) Not saying Toko can't be fun to be around on her own! Feel she'd definitely say some memorable things around the kid, maybe roasting Hiro behind his back which would be humorous. Additionally, feel Toko would underestimate her ability regards to being around kids. Like, she'd think she wasn't doing as good as she was or just have those seeds of doubt in her about it. She has good potential to be just as cool of an aunt as Hina though, Komaru too which one can't forget her! Feel Komaru would be around when Toko is too so Toko isn't just doing it all alone, she's got some help with Komaru in terms of the kid and their potential visits. Also, no clue how to squeeze this in but I just have that weird gut feeling that Komaru would bring the kid to the zoo or the park or just some form of outing. I just feel she would.

[mindofserenity]

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

my apology video for putting cecearl in the obscure ship tournament

[almiacastle]

a house by the sea.

[bright-thehawksflight]

Ok so I just finished watching Voleuses, right? And you guys. I need a minute.

10 minutes to the end I was already planning all the fix-it fic I was gonna write AND THEN IT FIXED ITSELF!!! What even is this movie??????

[widowshill]

joyful posting time. i genuinely love love the way everyone in the dark shadows fandom has their arc and the characters and/or actors they cherish and just post crazy about their special guys. it's so much fun to me to see every time. yeah that's my mutual's guy from the soap opera.

[tacobelle]

Do you ever get sad about it ?

I won’t answer the other question but yeah ofc I do but alhamdulillah for the pain that brought me to Allah and made me realise I am his creation too and any injustice should not be tolerated. I wouldn’t say I ever regretted my decision so it’s not that type of sadness but I do remember the things I went thru and I feel sad for myself lol. I think I’ve disassociated allot so I look back and see those memories as if it’s happening to someone else. I also mainly get sad for my parents bc it was them that spent nights sleeping in the car or on the hospital floor sitting with me whilst I got better and held me when I cried. I swear my mum literally nurtured me like I was a baby all over again. And I feel allot of their pain.

I remember the first morning I came back home and my Alarm went off at 10 and literally 5 mins later my eldest brother and my dad brought me breakfast to my bed (and it was fat much as well 😭) and my dad told me to eat his and not my brothers bc he waited longer for me to wake up so I can eat and I just crieddddd. He kept asking me why and I told him how even though I lived with a full fkn house of people, I haven’t had someone care or wonder if I ate or not for 6 fkn months. Later on I saw him praying and just weeping and it broke my heart. You or your parents never think there’ll come a day where you’re gonna sleep and wake hungry day after day, esp next to someone who’s suppose to take care of you and love you or fear that even though people may not get along with you, the basic human decency of caring for your well being is there but uno.. Allahu alam where was a year ago and where am I today allah always has a way out for you

So alhamdulillah for the sadness I feel bc I never makes me miss anything, it comes to remind me why I shouldn’t

[forbidden-interlude]

Why is Leo freaking out as if he wasn’t boomeranging between them 😭

[lunanoc]

might as well throw in some pingxie thoughts while i’m at it

i have. many things to say about pingxie. but on the subject of reducing relationships to one dimensional tropes specifically, it does them just as much of a disservice.

my favorite variation of pingxie is in the books (very shocking i know, although that’s technically the original them and not a variation), and by comparison to what’s shown in the dramas (which are fun and self-indulgent don’t get me wrong), the books are the slowest of slow burns. never forget we see everything in them from wu xie’s pov exclusively (at least the main entries), so we can only infer xiaoge’s own growth and development from what wu xie sees of it, but it very much exists.

wu xie has a complicated opinion of xiaoge in the earlier books, mostly because he doesn’t quite know what to make of this man who looks younger than he is and completely blows him off on their first meeting (blows everyone off in fact) much to his displeasure, which leads to the initially derogatory nickname ‘menyouping’, and yet is also vastly competent and knowledgeable. he’s cold and indifferent, yet wu xie feels safe around him and trusts him more than he likely should from the get go, mostly because wu xie’s good at reading people’s intentions and character on an instinctive level he doesn’t always manage to rationalize early on. he’s fascinated and would like to know him better, but also finds him deeply unfathomable, even incomprehensible.

and then you have xiaoge, who it merits saying, is repeatedly described as largely indifferent to most things (and he genuinely is), doing what he deems necessary but otherwise not bothering to involve himself with other people or social niceties. this is a man who spends his time off to the side sleeping or contemplating the sky, and yet in the space of four books he goes from not giving two shts about wu xie (or more than he would the average person) to voluntarily interacting with him, siding with him in quiet ways, helping him through unspoken little acts all the way up until a turning point wherein he first tries to keep his distance from wu xie en route to tamutuo in an effort to keep him from getting further involved than he already is in dangerous things he has no concept of, except by then he’s shown enough uncharacteristic interest in wu xie that wu xie notices he's being cold and distant. this all culminates in the infamous moment where xiaoge eventually lets himself act on thoughts he’s likely never fully analyzed himself, let alone shared with another person, leading to the “if i disappeared no one would notice” moment. 

and from there all the way until post ten years later and into things like yucun biji, the reality is that pingxie were never the serious immortal and the dorky clumsy mortal boy he adopts, nor are they the vulnerable strong one and the eventual protector, or any other trope variation really. pingxie are two people who at the start stand on opposite sides of a line neither of them were ever meant to cross, and to all intents and purposes should never have met for how very different the worlds they come from are. they’re people that circumstance threw together who chose to stay together, and keep choosing each other. they don’t need each other to exist, and could have gone their separate ways had they wanted to, but the importance of their relationship lies in that they stay together by active choice, and that in doing so, they meet in the middle.

wu xie matures and comes to understand a number of things through hardship while xiaoge is behind the gate that untether him just enough from the world that xiaoge isn’t quite so unfathomable anymore, while xiaoge comes down from his imposed pedestal just enough that he tethers himself to wu xie (and pangzi) and learns to live rather than exist

neither of them became a different person for the other, and the core of their relationship (and the beauty of it) is in the harmony and understanding they eventually achieve. reducing all of that to archetypes is honestly a little tragic

[a-j-s-the-only]

but if your leaving,

please stay to say goodbye