#heart disease kid

[finitevariety]

Umberto Eco (1995) 'Ur-Fascism', New York Review of Books, 2/14

[endlessnightlock]

why have you become inactive?

Hi Anon, I hope you're doing well today.

Mostly, I haven't been around as much because real life requires more of my attention. Good stuff, though. Being more present with my family (I went to see the FNAF movie with my thirteen-year-old this week. Are any FNAF fans out here? I was slightly confused by the movie because it's not my thing but had a lot of fun going with her), eating better, cleaning my house, and trying to get organized so my chaotic monkey brain stays happy. Unfortunately, you have to stay on top of that stuff more as you age if you want to keep your sanity :).

Hopefully, once I get more of my shit together, I'll be around here more often. Love you guys and I miss hanging out!

[k-writer1998]

Through Your Eyes (3/3)

w.c: 2.6k

a/n: Sorry for the delay but here it is cause I finally got back to my pc! Did I also go back and change the title after so long? Yes... I did... it just fit better with everything okay? ;-;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Although a bit shaky and oddly centered it was an endearing photo nonetheless with a natural feel and a genuine energy radiating from our smiles. What surprised me though was my expression, I didn't know I could make a face like that. Softened features, relaxed expression and a certain sweetness captured in my eyes. Feeling a familiar twisting in my stomach, I bit back the words that wanted to spill out. I knew what this was but I was scared. Instead my eyes tore away from my face and moved to his. His eyes were as clear and captivating as usual with their flecks of bold purple among the milk chocolate of his irises. Wait a moment… Instinctively, my hand moved to run through the ends of my hair, spilling ash brown and purple strands into my view. Setting the camera down, I look back at the ocean as my thoughts slowly fall down a rabbit hole. Am I overthinking it? Does Seungmin know? If he did, why didn’t he tell me? Maybe-  I felt his body rest on me before his head found its way to my shoulder. For a moment I swear my heart stopped at the momentary thought that entered my mind, but I could still feel the steady rhythm of his breathing.

“Tired?” I ask, now focusing on the boy beside me.

“Yeah… will you keep talking to me?”

It was coming… that was the only thing my brain could scream at me. The words danced on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t do it, to give him a false sense of hope when I wasn’t even sure. What if I tried and it didn’t work? Our mark is too common to jump to conclusions so I’ll take the burden of hope onto myself and quietly go along with his last wishes.

“Of course. Hmmm… any more interesting stories about your soulmate mark?”

“I thought you didn’t care for those things?”

“Just because I’m not actively scouring the world for mine doesn’t mean I’m not interested. I’m still hopeful.”

“Well I’m sure whoever it is will be lucky. You’re pretty okay after all.”

“I’m honored to receive such high praise,” I joke.

“You know what I mean. Oh. Before I forget,” he placed his hand on mine before guiding it to the small box he brought along with him. “Could you do me a favor and deliver this to someone when you go back to the city? I left their business card inside.”

“Simple enough. Is it your elusive friend you kept this a secret from? I’ll have to figure out how to break the news if it is.” I explained, earning me a quiet chuckle from the boy.

“Nothing crazy like that. He’s just my senior at the hospital.”

“I don’t think that’s the condition he wanted you in for your next visit.”

“If you don’t like a psychiatrist as a fall back career maybe you should do stand up comedy.”

“Wow, are my photos really that bad that my dear friend has to try to find me a new career?”

“Enough,” he says, although I could hear the smile in his voice. “You wanted to go on about soulmates right? Well, do you have any fun stories?”

“My eyes have always been straight black my entire life. Like I said, my soulmate is a bit boring,” I chuckle. “What other colors have your eyes changed to?”

“Aside from red there was lime green, silver, pink, orange but not the natural kind, more like the highlighter shade. With all the bright colors I had a lot of talent scouts trying to recruit me.”

“Look at you rockstar. You're already handsome so I’m not surprised. Any idol skills up your sleeve?”

Even though my lips continued to move and converse with him my mind was elsewhere placing all the pieces together. Seungmin is my soulmate… I am Seungmin’s soulmate. As the conversation winded down I felt the weight on my shoulder lighten as I turned to look at him, a camera lens greeting me instead. Instinctively my lips pulled into a smile as I furrowed my brow.

“What are you doing?” 

“You said you like the world through my eyes right? My final gift for you is to see yourself in that view.”

His words struck a chord in my heart, the finality of that statement leaving an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had to turn away to blink back tears that threatened to fall.

“Stop it. At this rate you’ll get the waterworks you’re trying to avoid in the first place.”

“Fine, fine. I'll keep it short. Thank you for accompanying me till the end.”

Somewhere between his sincere words, the camera shutter blinked before I felt the gentle thud of his head once again followed by the sound of crunching sand and a silence that stretched as the minutes passed. One can imagine the shock on my manager’s face when he saw my tear-stained face sitting there with a listless Seungmin. He was forced to make do with the short explanation while we collected our things and brought Seungmin to the car. Once the loose ends were tied up with Granny Jeong, we headed back to the city as I told the whole story.

“Okay so let me get this right. I let you run off to the ocean to clear your head and you somehow met your terminally ill potential soulmate?

“That's the extremely abridged version of it, yes. If you want to blame someone, blame fate.”

Once we arrived at the hospital the person I contacted from the card came out to greet us. He had dark curly hair with glasses who looked no more than a few years older than myself. After situating Seungmin in a room, he sat me in his office and from the title on the card he was a love disease specialist. It was obvious he didn’t agree with Seungmin’s plans as I explained everything. At the end of the story he sighed in resignation before reaching out to take the box. Instinctively I pulled it back, having yet to explain potentially the most important factor of the story.

“I know it’s gonna sound crazy but I fell in love with Seungmin… and I think I’m his soulmate.” He pondered carefully before speaking.

“What makes you believe you guys are soulmates?” 

“Our mark is a common one so it’s hard to give a definitive answer. The only real “proof” I have at this time is this. Everything else is circumstantial.” 

With that I handed the man my camera, the image zoomed into Seungmin’s eyes showing the noticeable flecks of purple that streak through his iris just like the streaks of violet that highlight my hair.

“And your feelings are… genuine?”

“I’m not sure how I can prove it, but yes they are. I honestly surprise myself with how easily I can say that. Am I making sense?”

“Yes I think I understand.” The doctor’s gaze softened as he spoke. Was I making that face again? “I think I can guess why you’re hesitating with handing over the fragments.”

“I may not have gone looking for him but I won’t let him get away that easily. I don't know if these fresh feelings or the fact we are soulmates is enough but I have to try.”

“Love diseases are finicky when it comes to what is defined as “true love”. Some people get away with just being soulmates while others need raw genuine feelings in full force. Everything is a gamble left to fate. I'm not trying to speak against this idea or anything, I’m just surprised that both my juniors are just as reckless as I was.”

After that, Dr. Bang walked me through the whole procedure of attempting to treat the shattered heart disease. Although there was a surgical piece to it, piecing Seungmin’s heart together had to be done myself and were it not for the doctor I would have pieced it together without rest. Frustratingly after a few mandated breaks, the heart was completed after the thirty-second hour. With that done it was now time for the anxiety inducing part. Before Dr. Bang could finish the procedure, the heart has to sit within the body for twenty-four hours to see if the body accepts or rejects the transplant. Because of this, I was sent home and they would call me with the results. To not be left alone with my thoughts, I went to my friend’s salon to ramble my worries away. As it was within business hours I had to practically pay for her time as she sat me in the salon chair, my lips spilling all my anxieties and worries about the procedure. Her soothing words alongside the relaxing stroke of her hands through my hair chased away the tension built up for a bit. Half my day was spent going in circles with her and by the end of it I had calmed down enough I wasn’t bouncing off the walls and new colors were added to my hair. 

That didn’t stop my anxious pacing once I got home though. Sleep escaped me as the twenty-four hour mark ticked closer and closer until it passed and yet there was still no call. One hour later, then two, to four… I had to turn to my manager and work on the exhibit before I really lost my mind although he banned me from actually coming to the gallery in fear I would tear down the photos for the second time when the exhibit is only a few days away. By the fifth hour I was about to make my way to the gallery regardless when my phone rang and I jumped to answer it. Good news. I was at the hospital within the hour and without much thought I barged into the room to hear a monitor beeping in a familiar steady rhythm. My unannounced entrance startled the doctor patient duo. Giving us a knowing smile Dr. Bang closed their conversation quickly before giving us some space. I made my way to his bedside as silence filled the room. The boy who always broke the silence first was now at a loss for words so I took the initiative this time.

“You weren’t expecting this development were you?”

“Honestly? No, but is it weird to say I’m glad?”

“I would hope you’d be glad, all things considered.”

He gave me a soft smile as a reply but my mind was too preoccupied taking in every little detail as if his life would slip away from him once again if I even so much as blinked. The jagged cracks have now faded to the faintest scars and his eyes were still as clear as ever with the fluorescent lights catching the faint flecks of violet, the newest shades of blue and pink now present as well. So engrossed with tracing over every little feature of the boy in front of me, I was startled by the sudden warmth that fell onto my hand.

“Hey, I’m fine now. I’m okay and it’s because of you.”

The sound of his voice seemed to quell my racing mind only for a blush to burn across my face as I realized the meaning of his words and the hand now holding mine.

“So, I guess Dr. Bang already told you everything…”

“To a certain degree, although I’d much prefer to hear it from you.”

“Well wouldn’t I sound a bit crazy to say that I fell in love with you in less than a week?”

“Crazy is just part of your vocabulary Miss-I-trashed-an-entire-exhibit-before-its-opening. Plus it wouldn’t sound as crazy if I said that you earned my trust in the span of one day and became one of the most important people in my life shortly after, right?”

If I didn’t already understand what Seungmin was trying to convey, the small squeeze to my hand was confirmation. After everything that was all he could give and that was enough because that was his way of saying it which made it all the more endearing. 

A few days passed and it was my exhibit’s soft opening. With the permission of Dr. Bang, Seungmin was able to attend. Upon my playful request he reluctantly covered his eyes as I slowly guided him into the gallery before allowing him to open his eyes. My eyes traced over his expressions as he examined the photos that adorned the walls as realization hit him.

“Wait, aren’t those-”

“Your photos? Yeah… I know I didn’t have your permission but I wanted to tell a story of finding my spark again which ultimately includes you. You are referenced as an anonymous photographer I collaborated with and we can work out the business details later or I can remove them if you aren’t comfortable. I just couldn’t help it-”

“You’re fine,” he chuckles as he grabs my hand to reassure me. “I’m glad you think so highly of my photography skills as a professional. Walk me through it?”

Although he was there for every one of these photos, I still went and explained each one to him as he intently listened to my endless rambling until we reached the final wall and main attraction. There were three photos lined up next to each other. The first being the very first photo I took of Seungmin’s silhouette, followed by the crooked selfie of us together, and ending with the final photo Seungmin took of me.

“You know it was this very photo that made me realize you were my soulmate?” I said, pointing at the center photo.

“I stopped looking in the mirror because of the disease so I never noticed the hints of violet.”

“Well in retrospect, I do apologize for calling you boring because you are far from that.”

“So what’s the explanation for all the crazy colors I had to suffer through?”

“My university roommate needed a victim because she was trying to be a hairdresser.”

“And here I thought it’s because you’re an artist and don’t fit in a box.”

“Don’t quote me to bully me.”

I playfully slapped his shoulder as we shared a laugh. Since it was the soft opening there were far fewer guests in attendance, mainly friends and close work connections. I made my rounds greeting everyone with Seungmin by my side but at the sight of this person I squealed happily before glomping them in a hug, noticing the person beside them shortly after.

“Dr. Bang I didn’t expect to see you here. So you are my sunbae’s beloved 'Chanie' I hear about often.”

He awkwardly laughed at the mention of his soulmate’s name of endearment for him as the tips of his ears turned red. We chatted a bit more before I continued to make my way through the guestlist, introducing close friends to Seungmin along the way. Upon spotting the pair I was looking for, I called out to the boy on crutches.

“Hyunjin! I’m so glad you can make it! I see you’ve been promoted to crutches.”

“Y/n, your photos are stunning as usual.”

“He’s been hard at work during physical therapy so he’s ahead of schedule,” his soulmate responded excitedly.

“That’s amazing,” I congratulated before dramatically clearing my throat which earned me an eye roll from both Seungmin and Hyunjin. “As my closest friend I’d like to introduce you guys to my collaborator in this exhibit and my soulmate, Kim Seungmin. This is my stubborn best friend Hwang Hyunjin. You can thank him for being the practice dummy to learn how to handle love diseases.”

[hirokiyuu]

i was talking abt this w/friendo yesterday but one of the funniest things abt yjn is they Look like theyd be a really good boyfriend (kind, thoughtful, handsome etc etc) but if you actually date them. the rship is So Fucking Bad.

[not-a-font]

Assorted one piece doodles + one batman crossover.

[raspberryzingaaa]

Thinking about going to World Most Boring Bible Study Ever. Idk yall. Idk. Idek.

[running-in-the-dark]

a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)

[homoerotisch]

frodo 2019-23

you were the best, lil guy.

[urfavfandomles]

it's actually so wild when you think about how xie lian said "body in abyss, heart in paradise" and jun wu took it so seriously that he caused the downfall of the xie kingdom, made xie lian's life miserable, and then convince people to stab gege over and over even though Xie Lian Is A God and Cant Die.

like on top of that he was literally 17. how can u have so much beef with a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD 😭😭😭 what was he so pressed about.

[akkivee]

this is probably a strange thing to wonder lol but i wonder if jakurai has alive parents 🤔

[walterdecourceys]

today's random memory that's haunting me: book i read in middle school where a girl initiated a sexual situation by asking the guy to guess what color her bra was. i don't remember the name of the book so i will never get closure on that scene i don't think

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

how are we all living in todays diet culture...literally unachievable beauty and body ideals. me being told by a doctor at 16 that i have pcos and ill have to diet my whole life if i dont want to gain weight. and that dieting means giving up half the foods i love so much (bread) cutting out all sugar, and eating plain boring vegetables. and then theres people saying oh but dieting doesnt mean eating boring food! like actually it does when u have pcos and the recommended diet is fucking keto. 

[great-and-small]

When I was in vet school I went to this one lecture that I will never forget. Various clubs would have different guest lecturers come in to talk about relevant topics and since I was in the Wildlife Disease Association club I naturally attended all the wildlife and conservation discussions. Well on this particular occasion, the speakers started off telling us they had been working on a project involving the conservation of lemurs in Madagascar. Lemurs exist only in Madagascar, and they are in real trouble; they’re considered the most endangered group of mammals on Earth. This team of veterinarians was initially assembled to address threats to lemur health and work on conservation solutions to try and save as many lemur species from extinction as possible. As they explored the most present dangers to lemurs they found that although habitat loss was the primary problem for these vulnerable animals, predation by humans was a significant cause of losses as well. The vets realized it was crucial for the hunting of lemurs by native people to stop, but of course this is not so simple a problem.

The local Malagasy people are dealing with extreme poverty and food insecurity, with nearly half of children under five years old suffering from chronic malnutrition. The local people have always subsisted on hunting wildlife for food, and as Madagascar’s wildlife population declines, the people who rely on so-called bushmeat to survive are struggling more and more. People are literally starving.

Our conservation team thought about this a lot. They had initially intended to focus efforts on education but came to understand that this is not an issue arising from a lack of knowledge. For these people it is a question of survival. It doesn’t matter how many times a foreigner tells you not to eat an animal you’ve hunted your entire life, if your child is starving you are going to do everything in your power to keep your family alive.

So the vets changed course. Rather than focus efforts on simply teaching people about lemurs, they decided to try and use veterinary medicine to reduce the underlying issue of food insecurity. They supposed that if a reliable protein source could be introduced for the people who needed it, the dependence on meat from wildlife would greatly decrease. So they got to work establishing new flocks of chickens in the most at-risk communities, and also initiated an aggressive vaccination program for Newcastle disease (an infectious illness of poultry that is of particular concern in this area). They worked with over 600 households to ensure appropriate husbandry and vaccination for every flock, and soon found these communities were being transformed by the introduction of a steady protein source. Families with a healthy flock of chickens were far less likely to hunt wild animals like lemurs, and fewer kids went hungry. Thats what we call a win-win situation.

This chicken vaccine program became just one small part of an amazing conservation outreach initiative in Madagascar that puts local people at the center of everything they do. Helping these vulnerable communities of people helps similarly vulnerable wildlife, always. If we go into a country guns-blazing with that fire for conservation in our hearts and a plan to save native animals, we simply cannot ignore the humans who live around them. Doing so is counterintuitive to creating an effective plan because whether we recognize it or not, humans and animals are inextricably linked in many ways. A true conservation success story is one that doesn’t leave needy humans in its wake, and that is why I think this particular story has stuck with me for so long.

(Source 1)

(Source 2- cool video exploring this initiative from some folks involved)

(Source 3)

[k-writer1998]

Through Your Eyes (2/3)

w.c: a little over 2k

***should be out of my slump now so the next chapter shouldn't take as long... maybe ^^;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes shot open as pain burned along my skin, tracing the cracks that run along it. Quiet groans of pain spill from my lips, it was as if a thousand needles were piercing my chest. My agony was only greeted by my reality as pieces of my heart now littered my bed. Once my breathing became even and I was able to move with the least amount of pain, I reached for my phone. Instead, my hand bumped into something bulkier and I remembered the events of last night.

After spilling my deepest secret, talking to y/n became a lot easier and the weird air we had around us seemed to dissipate. By the end of the night the pitcher was nearly empty and I had only just finished my first glass. Thankfully y/n had enough of her wits about her but as we walked back I still ended up being her crutch. When we arrived, I led her to the door but before I could leave she grabbed my sleeve as she took a second to focus as she stood there staring at me for a few moments.

“Wait, a second. You still need your surprise,” she stated while digging in her tote before pulling out something bulky.

“You’re giving me a camera?”

“I’d never give away Sensei like that! It’s only a loan. I’m giving you homework. I’ll be busy for most of tomorrow so I want you to take pictures and we can meet up in the evening.”

“Is this exploitation or free labor?”

“You’re so funny Seungmin,” she laughs heartily as her hand slams into my back. “I’m more selective than that.”

With such an aggressive wake up call, the idea of staying in bed was rather tempting but the fact I’d be left with my thoughts wasn’t. Just imagining what kind of rabbit hole I’d fall into was enough to force myself to get ready and head out. With no real destination in mind, I wandered the area nearby as I aimlessly took photos of anything that caught my eye. A waiting dog, tree branches swaying in the wind, people setting up shop for the day, etc. As my feet took me wherever they wished, I thought back to the owner of this camera. Y/n isn’t an uncomfortable presence but she was definitely something else. It felt… normal being around her and it felt nice to feel that again. Playing along to her requests wasn’t bad, it at least made sure my last days weren’t spent being miserable.

By the time I arrived back at my room, the fatigue of being forced awake finally hit me and I crashed. When my eyes opened again it was dark out. Groggily pulling myself from bed to satiate the twisting hunger now forming in my stomach, I was greeted by the sound of y/n’s cheerful chatter as the kitchen came into view. Ah, she did say she would come find me in the evening… what time was it anyways?

“Oh, look there he is now,” Granny Jeong responded as I entered the doorway.

“He must have had a busier day than me but it’s okay because that means I got to spend more time with you,” y/n sweetly replied to the older woman.

Granny Jeong wished us both good night but not before giving us a playful wink that sent a blush burning across y/n’s face. The girl sputtered after the older lady’s figure before groaning and letting her head hit the table.

“What time is it?”

“It’s eight… oh god, she already has some weird idea going through her mind.”

“Aren’t all older ladies like that? It's harmless. When did you get here anyways?” Y/n continued to grumble to herself for a few more moments before responding.

“An hour ago. Rough day?”

“It was only supposed to be a nap… my bad.”

She gave me a nonchalant shrug as I continued to figure out what to eat. Moving about, I felt bad for being the only one eating so I offered to make her some instant ramen alongside my own that I found in the cupboard.

“I had dinner with my manager. If I had known, I would’ve grabbed something for you.”

“Just asked because it’s weird to be the only one eating.”

“Aww, how cute of you. Should I eat too so you don’t feel lonely?”

I just rolled my eyes at her teasing and told her to wait a second as I let the water boil. Grabbing the camera, I head back and hand it to her. Y/n’s eyes lit up at the sight and quickly reached out to take it. She became preoccupied with the photos as we fell into a comfortable silence. The short moment of peace sadly caught flames as another wave of pain flowed down the cracks on my skin once again. The flares have never happened so close together but things only get worse the closer to the end you get. I thought I hid the agony well but feeling her touch on my shoulder made me flinch from the pain searing the entirety of my skin.

“How about I take over?”

“How did you-”

“Let’s just call this your reward for finishing your homework.”

She gave me a warm smile that I couldn’t refuse, that and the fact the pain grew more debilitating with each passing second. I attempted to sit at the table but y/n clicked her tongue at me before helping me to my room, much to my protest but her bullheadedness won out. By the time the pain eased y/n had returned with the finished food.

“And I made some nice crunchy pajeon as a side because I’m so amazing,” she boasted.

“Sorry, You didn’t have to do all this.”

“Why are you apologizing for your reward?”

“You’re good at that,” I comment as I take a seat on the floor. “Making people not feel guilty for receiving help, I mean.”

“My friend was a lot more stubborn than you with getting help when he was sick so I had to get creative, but it’s not like you have control of your fits. I’d much prefer to hear a thank you anyways.”

“Well thanks.”

After a few bites, under her expectant gaze, I complimented the simple dish which made her already bright smile bigger. With that happy grin of hers she continued to scroll through the camera and I grew a bit curious.

“Why did you have me take pictures anyways?”

“The pictures someone takes actually say a lot about them. All of the subconscious choices made actually tell me who you are.”

“Wow, so you have a psychology degree now?” I joke.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s not a science, more just assumptions I make myself and I’m at least… seventy-eight percent right most times?”

“So then what do my photos tell you about me?”

“Well for one, you keep things at an arm’s distance. You are neither too close or too far from the subject most times as if you are keeping a polite distance but that most likely applies to a lot of your real life relationships too. That mixed with how much light you always have in each photo; you are a kind and warm person.”

“You got all of that after knowing me for barely two days and from random photos I took? You think too kindly of me.”

“Again, it’s just my own beliefs but I think they hold some truth. Even if it was for your own purposes, you still agreed to my dumb friendship plan, right?”

“So you agree it’s stupid?” I tease, cracking a half smile.

“Shut up,” she chuckles with a shake of her head.

“Okay so I guess we can count that as kindness, any evidence to back up your claim of me keeping people at a distance?”

“Aside from the fact you chose to spend your last days secluded from everyone who cares about you?”

“Well if you ever get bored of photography, with your psychoanalyzing skills, you can be a therapist.”

“Ha. ha. You’re so funny.” she replied, matching my sarcasm. “Well. Now that I’ve collected your homework, I should leave the patient to rest, even if you just woke up from a “nap”. I’ll clean up then head out.”

“Hey, hey. I’ll clean up since it’s technically my mess.”

“Then I’ll help you since cleaning with help makes things go faster.”

“Are you always such a busy body?”

“Yup, but I’m especially pushy towards the people I care about.” 

With an unnecessary wink to punctuate her statement, she disappeared through the door frame with all the dishes. After we finished cleaning up, I walked her out but as I handed y/n her camera, she shook her head.

“Keep it for now. When we hang out I hope there will be memorable things you want to capture. I like how you take photos, the world is a lot prettier in your eyes.”

Leaving me with a mysterious smile, she disappeared through the gate and I just stared down at the camera. The days slowly began to tick away as I followed y/n on her whims and adventures. Aimless wandering, trying little hole-in-the-wall restaurants, enjoying each other’s company, and capturing little moments behind our lens. Sadly with those enjoyable moments, it only moved me closer to my end and it became more and more draining to be out on top of the increased fits of pain.

“Seungmin, are you sure you’ll make it to the beach okay?”

“I really want to see the sunset.”

She frowned but helped me up nonetheless, it was unavoidable that y/n saw my fits with how much time we spent together so her concern wasn’t unwarranted. Luckily a short walk down the road wouldn’t hurt any more than laying in bed would. As we made our way out of the room, in all of our movement a light clattering greeted our ears. Confused, y/n bent down to pick up what had fallen and curiously examined the red almost crystal looking shard. It took her a beat longer to realize what it was before she looked at me a bit flustered. With a tired smile I shook my head and the tension eased from her shoulders slightly, it was her first time seeing a fragment after all.

“Could you grab me the wooden box on the desk?”

As she handed me the box, I threw the fragment in with the other identical looking pieces that filled the small container. A strange feeling came over me as I now practically held my heart in my hands. Tucking it under my arm, we continued on our way until we were sitting by the water’s edge watching the waves run up the shore and barely miss the tips of our shoes. The silence that once felt so heavy now blew as light as the wind as we both stared off at the sky in our own thoughts and just like that first night, I spoke up first.

“Don’t you want to know the results of our bet?”

“Is it dumb of me to say that the photo doesn’t matter anymore?”

“After you literally fought tooth and nail to keep it?”

“I'll let you in on a secret. Photos aren't the things that spark inspiration, it's the people in it. The bet was actually counterintuitive. If we become friends, the photo is no longer needed since the muse is now part of my life.”

“How scheming, you really played your cards right.”

“I may have been scheming but I was always genuine from the start.”

“I know. You don’t have it in you to use people, you’re too nice.”

“And you say I psychoanalyze people,” she jokingly stated before adding “I have one hell of a way to make friends, am I right?”

“Like you said, artists all got a screw loose somewhere.”

We shared a quiet laugh together before I reached over her, I grabbed the camera she brought along and pointed the lens at us. Confused, she looked at me as if I was the crazy one and I just tugged her closer until I head lightly bumped against each other. I can’t really see how we look but this should be good. Click.

“As friends we should have at least one photo together,” I state as I smile at her.

[bilal-salah0]

Before the war, after I left Gaza for Germany, I used to call my dad almost everday and tell him about my day. He would tell me how everyone else was doing and say that Salah,my little nephew, kept asking where I was.

Now, I hardly ever reach my parents or any of my siblings.I don't think Salah even remembers who I am any more as he struggles to carry water containers. I always find myself agonizing and wondering if I'll ever meet my family again, whether the newborns will see me one day and know that their uncle longs to hold them in his arms.

Every time I look at my dad's picture in our home, smiling and surrounded by his grandchildren, it breaks my heart into a million pieces. The house he dreamed the kids would grow up in was leveled to the ground in a split second. Nothing is left, not even both his shoe shops where he worked so hard to build a future for us all. My siblings are unable to work or finish their studies. There are no schools left for the children. There is no proper food, water, or sanitation, no life; only death and rubble all around.

When my brother sent me a photo of my dad lighting a fire, he still had that same old smile on his face. I was relieved to see him somewhat hopeful but it broke my heart even more. My father is the most resilient and hard-working man I've ever known. He always supported us in whatever we wanted to achieve. His only hope was that his grandkids would grow up safely and happily in their home. He never complained from work and taught us the true meaning of sacrifice and perseverance. Instead of living peacefully with his family, he, the kids, and everyone else have to endure life in a makeshift tent,God knows for how much longer, while their lives are constantly threatened by airstrikes, starvation, and disease. No child, elder, or adult should go through such hardships for this long.

As the injustice persists, we only find solace and hope because the free people of this world are still standing with us. Please continue to support us any way you can. I don't even have the words any more to say how grateful I am to everyone. You have already done so much for us but we need you now more than ever.

Please donate if you can and reblog as many times as possible.

[kai-sv]

grief is weird