#hear me out though: specialization in game theory

[your-fave-is-a-math-major]

can you do tee from puyo puyo tetris? he definitely specializes in probability, i mean its tetris

Tee is a math major!

-minor: aerospace engineering

-specialization: probability

-headcanon

[micer2012]

a reflection on MatPat's plagiarism

Hello, my name is Della, or micer2012, and 2 years ago Game Theory plagiarized three Tumblr posts of mine, making a video that now holds almost 6 million views.

My posts explaining his plagiarism made their rounds on Reddit, Tumblr and Twitter, but despite the Hermits and Pooka commenting on it (generally in support of me or saying they don’t know enough details about the situation to say either way), MatPat and his team have never owned up to anything, and no mention of my name is present on the video. The one Reddit post they made denying it (which was made before my detailed takedown, which they have never responded to (though the mods on the r/GameTheorists Reddit were kind and made sure it stayed up)) didn’t even mention me by name, just referring to me as “a tumblr user”. (Though one of the screenshotted comments in the body of the post does say my name)

This experience was baffling, but it’s overall had a positive impact on my life. r/Hermitcraft gave me a Golden Apple Award (post of the year, 2021). My inbox was filled with excited fans, wanting to ask me questions or pose their own theories, far more than the hate I got. (Though the hate I got from Game Theory fans was VERY funny. I wondered why none of them gave me shit about saying “MatPat misgendered Evil Xisuma” before realizing none of them read that far into the post.)

And getting on a more personal, and much more important note, I met most of my current online friends through this, including my partner. It helped me grow closer with my irl friends as well and gave me an entertaining story that I tell whenever I have the chance. It was one of the first things in my life that really made me feel like my talents, my autistic hyperfocusing and analyzing of things I love, could be valuable. Useful. Exploitable. It blew my mind that MatPat thought an autistic kid’s ramblings about a Minecraft Youtube joke character were good enough to steal. To put an audible sponsorship on. To get 6 million views off of.

And that’s why I’m writing this post, this update years later. As you might’ve been able to guess, Hbomberguy’s Youtube video on plagiarism reopened this wound. It was really hard for me to sit through, it took days of pausing and taking breaks, because I had experienced everything he was talking about firsthand. 

In my 10 page long takedown post, I wrote about how his rewording of my sentences made him say things that were incorrect, just like Filip did. The content farm production style that made big companies like Cinemassacre take one creator (AVGN/MatPat) and turn him and his content into a brand, a voice that reads out scripts by other people with other opinions/theories, is a history shared with Game Theory. What really hit me was Harris talking about how big creators only do this to people they think they can get away with doing it to. How they view their victims as lesser, as not deserving of their words, repackaging them as their own to give to an audience that can gain from hearing them, but deserves better than to have to listen to the original victim.

That’s the thing, I 100% think a video version of my theory to expose to a bigger community than “Evil Xisuma Fans on Tumblr” is a great idea!! Near the end of the video Harris talks about how video adaptations of things could be a great market, even an accessibility tool, and I completely feel that about my posts. I wrote them quickly assuming the reader was someone well versed on Evil Xisuma lore, after not even watching most of the CarnEvil series, and the diagrams I made to explain them are even less comprehensible. Harris makes a joke that I completely agree with, 

“I’m sure some of my videos would do very well if someone translated them into English.”

I don’t think I would’ve ever made my posts if I didn’t have autism, and a special fixation on Evil Xisuma and Hermitcraft. I made them because I felt the character was being done an injustice, and because I wanted to share with other superfans this theory that might explain it away. I do think that MatPat plagiarizing me was ableist. I used to wonder a lot if this would’ve happened if my posts were articulated better, if they had been peer reviewed, if the posts themselves had been spread to a wider audience before MatPat made his video. At one point when the discourse was fresh (before I had the time to write out my 10 page rebuttal), a bigger YouTuber (100k subs at the time) messaged me and started talking on Discord, interested in possibly making a video on the discourse, but I think my style of typing and general enthusiasm drove him away. You can tell by a single look at my blog (or my original 3 posts!) that I don’t usually type like this. This post you’re reading now has been peer reviewed and edited, and took me hours to format correctly. That video could’ve been huge, the entire outcome of this MatPat situation would probably be much different.

I also used to stress a lot about “being the one who ruined Evil Xisuma’s story”. If you didn’t know, to me S8 Evil Xisuma’s story got wrapped up pretty quickly and unsatisfying (in my personal autistic opinion). (though this might’ve been due to s8 being experimental and ending early with moon big) There was no real culmination of the plot points and arcs going on, and I don’t want to blame myself, but when Xisuma said on stream (when the MatPat thing was first going on) that he didn’t want to focus on the discourse or draw more attention to it, it makes a lot of sense to me that he just wanted to wrap it all up as quickly as possible. For a while I beat myself up about it, of ruining the story of this character I love, but it’s not my fault. If anyone’s, it’s MatPats, but I don’t think it’s useful to just blame someone else. That’s how the story ended up going, and that’s fine. This is Evil Xisuma we’re talking about, their inconsistent lore is what made them such an interesting character. And notably, Pooka made an animation with an awesome culmination of Jeff, the Dreamer, Evil Xisuma, and his own sona’s story, and it makes me so happy to watch. Whatever Pooka does is of course his own choice, but I’m glad he got to give this personal story his own ending (if it is an ending, and not just the start of a new chapter!). 

Typing this all out and getting it off my chest has made me feel a lot better. For a while I wanted to make my OWN video essay about Evil Xisuma’s lore and CarnEvil’s lore, actually going episode by episode to explain it instead of just assuming you knew as much about Evil Xisuma as I did. That idea is still not off the table, but MCYT isn’t something I’m that into right now. Maybe if something else comes out about Evil Xisuma I’ll get back on it, but for now I’m fine with letting that go. But I want to make other videos, share other theories and analysis… if I have the freetime I’d love to make YouTube videos, and if I don’t have the time I’ll continue posting to my tumblr and infodumping to my friends. Apparently my infodumping is valuable enough “content” to steal! Writing this out has made me feel a lot better though, I’m really glad I got it out.

If anyone ever wants to talk to me about the things I’m obsessed with, or reach out to me as a source in a bigger discussion about Game Theory or other channels, my inbox is more than welcome :] Thank you for reading! 

Sincerely, a tumblr user.

[onceinablueberrymoon]

special report | salesman (recruiter) x reporter!reader

next: (cheers) to the future (slight nsfw) | scavenger hunt | intermission (mild nsfw) scenario: ever wonder how the VIPs watch the games before they arrive on the island? reporter!reader delivers the highlights of each game to viewers around the world. and a certain someone is their biggest fan.  setting: in seoul between the second game (dalgona) and the special game during season 1 warnings: reader can be any gender, but this was originally written with fem!reader in mind; reader also works for the games; they're both just not nice people lol (but we love them anyways!); no use of y/n; second person POV word count: 629 notes: someone in a reddit thread had a theory that the VIPs would watch highlight reels of the first few games and this story popped in my head. salesman is called recruiter here since that's his official title. i love this guy sm (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) please enjoy! borders by @strangergraphics-archive

“And that concludes our coverage for Day 2 of the Games. Please stay tuned for the Special Game, which will take place in two hours.”

You bowed to the camera, only straightening your back upon hearing the director yell “Cut!”. You shuffled the papers on the desk in front of you, then checked your phone. 

Three missed calls. 

You snorted, a small smile forming on your lips. You pressed on one of the missed calls, the number redialing on your screen. Bringing the phone to your ear, you waited for the recruiter to pick up. It didn’t even ring once before his smooth voice came through the speaker.

“Finally.”

You sighed, leaning forward to prop an elbow on the desk. “You know I’m at work. You of all people should know that.”

You could picture his cocky smirk.

“Care for a bite to eat? My treat,” he offered, which you accepted. There was still an hour and a half before you had to return to prepare for the Special Game.

You met at the tiny kimbap shop down the street. While you both could afford a fancier restaurant, a cheap, filling meal was all you needed right now.

“So,” you started, pouring hot barley tea into your teacups, “Did you catch any of the last game?” 

He nodded, resting his chin on his hands with his elbows on the table. “Very entertaining, as always. You never cease to impress me,” he praised.

Taking a big sip of tea, you scoffed, “Oh please. I’m the least interesting part of the show.”

“Oh?” He cocked his head. “Why is that?”

Shooting him an unimpressed look, you spoke, “Did you not see the same footage I did? The utter fear when they had to carve out the dalgona?” You laughed, “And when that guy got shot and slid down the slide… You just can’t make this stuff up!"

Pouring some more tea into your cup, you continued, "Seriously though, watching those players carve out the umbrella shapes was priceless. They were so scared!” With a shake of your head, you sighed, “I can’t believe some of them actually passed.” 

The recruiter chuckled, leaning closer to you. “While that was amusing, I found your performance to be far more enticing.”  

A blush crossed your cheeks, but you quickly shook it off, clearing your throat.

“I try my best. By the way,” you motioned towards him, “You’ve outdone yourself with the players this time. A perfect mix of competent and woefully tragic players. I’m not sure which I like more.” You shot him a smile, which he returned.

“Oh, and the group with the Host? Hilarious,” you grinned. “I can’t believe that 218 and 456 were childhood friends.” You tapped your fingers against your teacup. “But I guess, at the end of the day, trash is still trash.”

The lady running the shop arrived with your food, and the two of you ate in comfortable silence. However, you couldn’t help but notice the recruiter’s intense gaze lingering on you.

Once the recruiter paid, the two of you left the restaurant, and he walked you back to the office. 

“Same time tomorrow?” He asked, briefcase in hand.

You hummed, “Tomorrow is Tug of War, and there’s still lots to prepare before the final games.” You took a step towards him, a teasing smile on your face, “Why, miss me already?”

He huffed, “I can watch you any time.” Bringing his lips to your ear, he whispered, “But I prefer being near you instead.”

You tilted his head to look at you and kissed him on the cheek. Turning to enter your office, you looked back and called to him.

“Until next time, my dear recruiter!”

He flashed his signature smirk.

“Take care, my lovely reporter.”

[niyafics]

ᯓᡣ𐭩better every time˖ ݁𖥔

paige x reader (18+)

𐙚 part 1🐈‍⬛

˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖ wc : 2.5k

𖥔 ݁˖ cw : SMUT, first person p.o.v, petplay ahhh, the word sl*t, swearing, all that great stuff

˖ ݁𖥔 summary : a package arrives from paige, what could it be?

˖ ݁ a/n : hii srry if this sucks i haven’t written smut in years. not rlly edited.

p.b

did you get my gift,kitten?

me

yes, but i haven’t opened it

this kitten thing is just forever now huh :/

p.b

lol open the box and you tell me

We hadn’t seen each other in a week now, and even our last time was brief. Practice, games, school preoccupied all Paiges’ time, and I was getting swamped with work and my demanding minimum wage job. Still managing to slip a suggestive message or picture in between.

We had responsibilities. It was best for it to stay that way. For me to stay busy. That time apart would help me ground myself from getting completely enthralled in the tall girls icey eyes.

I felt embarrassingly moody last month when we didn’t meet up for a week opposed to our normal 2-4 times throughout it. Which in truthfulness, was too often. A few times us not having the sex our relationship was supposed to be exclusive to.

Like when she invited me over her place to watch the worst movies we could find on Netflix, intertwined lazily on her couch until I had to go to work.

Staring sleepily at the ceiling in the dark talking to each other about anything. Everything. Until one of our tired states doesn’t let us respond anymore.

Or when she’d pleaded to come over after a long practice, showering and plopping into my bed like it was hers. I had been the big spoon, combing my hands through her hair that was still damp, until she fell asleep. This one happened more than once.

I sat up on my elbow and watched her breathe slowly, my arm wrapped around her waist from behind, thinking how she was so effortlessly cute, and sexy.How she smelled good. How she blurted out my name without me giving it to her, our first night together.

I still haven’t gathered the courage to ask how she knew it.

“God, (y/n), you’re even prettier up close...”

It rolled out like she moaned it a million times.

By now, she probably has.

I wondered, if our meeting was such a coincidence after all.

My theory made me feel full of myself. How could have Paige known me? No mutual friends, and mine sure as hell wouldn’t have forgotten to tell me Paige Bueckers asked about me. We had no classes. Paige was a year ahead of me. Sure, I seen her on campus. She never seen me. Had she? I’d have to ask if I wanted to know.

Regardless of why we saw each other, we were getting dangerously closer than usual fuck-buddies. Pushing past the boundaries of friends with benefits. The special time together, the vulnerability.

Especially now, with her sending me stuff. First, it was [your fav flower] which I offhandedly mentioned I liked. We hadn’t talked in days and then, there was a delivery guy holding them in a vase of my favorite color outside my door.

She was thinking of me. couldn’t she just text it? No, this was way more sentimental than a text. It was meant to leave me thinking about her even more than I was. To show me she was thinking of me. It wasn’t just store bought, she had to have gotten it from a florist.

I almost knocked her over the next time i saw her, saying it was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me, because it was. Paige held me while I gushed, swaying me slightly, with a smirk that read I successfully stroked her ego.

“A good way to say ‘thank you’ is for you to let me between those pretty thighs, kitty.” A chuckle escaped as she said it, though she was serious, she lets me know this with a firm grip behind me. That damn nickname. Whenever I wasn’t completely under her spell, I felt almost embarrassed hearing her say it. Responding to it. Then wasn’t one of those times. I was on my back with her perfect mouth wet from me in minutes.

p.b

omg y/n

p.b

open it alreadyyy

My phone snapped me out of my thoughts. I shuffled to my kitchen counter to open the package waiting for me. I took a picture of me from above so the box was also in frame. Smiling to myself before I hit send, knowing the sight of me in her hoodie with nothing but panties she couldn’t see underneath would drive her crazy.

me

[image]

patienceee, i’m about to rn

p.b

[hearted an attachment]

oh yea? i’ll teach u alllll abt patience ;p

Blush crept to my cheeks with a grin I couldn’t help, while I wondered what she meant.

I tore the tape down the middle and the box opened slightly on its own before I peeled both tabs back all the way. My mouth slowly falling and flustered giggles erupting from me.

It was a pink collar with a silver bell hanging from it. Next to it was a shiny chain leash, with a handle to match waiting to be attached.

me

ohmygoodness

p.b

:) yeahhhh???

p.b

you like it or you luv it ??

me

you’re insane

p.b

insanely attracted to you. yes.

p.b

now be a goodgirl & put the collar on, i’ll be there to hook the leash to it later <3

She was coming tonight? I felt nervous as if I hadn’t been on my knees for her a few nights ago, congratulating her on a win. I looked closely at what I was getting myself into.

That tingling feeling came while I went lifted it near my neck.

This girl was awakening things in me.

I’m up to the door in seconds when I hear a knock against it. It’s in a goofy rhythm, so I know exactly who it is. My hands go to fix my hair even though whatever condition it’s in is going to be gone in a minute anyway. I open it a little, then step away, and Paige happily invites herself the rest of the way in.

“My kitty.” Her pink lips give me a smile that’s so warm I feel it. That could be something else. She’s in sweatpants, air forces that always seemed to look new, and another graphic hoodie I’m eager to collect. I’m in the skimpiest nightgown I could find, with the collar snug around my neck.

She opens her arms beckoning me to hug her, it’s tight and I melt in, getting a whiff of her shampoo, her laundry detergent. Paige pulls me back and runs her hands to my butt while she takes my appearance in.

I know she’s pleased from the way she licks her top lip slightly, while her slim fingers slip underneath the fabric that stopped at the beginning of my thighs.

“Look at you, such an obedient sweetheart for me, aren’t you, mamas?” Her voice hums in my ear. “So gorgeous. I knew it’d be perfect on you.” I’m pulled into a deep kiss that makes a thick smack when we pull away, I can’t help but whimper. She goes at the crook of my neck, which is her favorite place when we see each other. Well, one of them.

Paige leaves hickies on me that I stopped bothering to cover up since the second time she proved she couldn’t help herself. I remember her telling me how it turns her on knowing I walked around with her love bites all over me. The way she knows my friends will ask, and I’ll just blush in response.

Pulling away like it pains her to, she admires her work. Her muscular body pressed against me still.

“Missed you so bad..” She says in an innocent tone, flicking the bell on my neck and mouth curling into a mischievous expression when it rings back in response. “Where’s the leash, hm?”

“Bedroom.” I tilt my head towards its direction. Blood starting to rush thinking of which scenario in my head was about to happen next. I knew she’d surprise me anyway. She grabs my hand and gently guides me there, and I follow, unapologetically looking at her with needy eyes.

As soon as we walk in it’s like a switch flips in Paige. Pushing me onto the bed, her lashes low, and her ponytail falling over her shoulder as she stares down at me, eyes full of lust, and ideas. Both her hands hold my face then they move down my neck to my shoulders, so she can push the straps to the gown away. Her mouth is on mine again as she slides it down, beyond ready to feel what’s underneath.

Traveling down my neck again with her lips that seem to get softer every-time I feel them, but this time she stops and pays special attention to my nipples that are already hard from her touch and the air. When she’s not sucking, running her tongue over, and slightly biting one, she’s fondling the other gently. Moaning even as she’s doing that, and my body is practically calling for her knowing she’s just as wet as I am right now. I can’t take the teasing anymore. I need her.

“Paige..” I drag her name out with a soft whine. “I..” Stopping because she knows what it is. Her clothed body is pressing against my heat, I roll my hips so she feels it. That’s the only way she snaps out of her trance with my breasts, she gives me a mocking pout.

“Aw, what, kitty?” Her full bottom lip pokes out, but the smile she fights back still curls in the corner. “hmm? tell me, ma..”

“Fuck me,” I breathe. Her smile is full fledged now. But she waits for more. “Ugh, please, baby..I need you..” my body loved the way she forced words out of me. If she opened my legs right now the teasing wouldn’t stop, it’d just move to how wet I am.

She doesn’t open them. Paige gets up and grabs the leash from my dresser, before returning back to standing over me, legs pressed tightly together on the bed, dress down my chest nearly off.

“Turn around.” Paige says. Not asking. More than happily, I sit up. Before I can turn over she flips me herself by my hips. I let out a gasp, it turns grows into a giggle that doesn’t hide how much that turned me on. Turning to look at her, my hands and knees on the mattress, batting my lashes, my back arching. From how she mumbled profanities, as she crawled near me, my taunting did what it was supposed to.

Her fingers go in my hair to pull it to the side, and the other hand loops the collar to the leash with a satisfying click. I start to squirm.

“Too cute...” She slides the dress further down my legs, I’m basically naked, getting unreasonably flustered at her staring at my wet slit. I hear an amused grin in her voice. “Don’t you dare move.” Paige mumbles. I feel a tug on the collar, the bell chimes, a moan hums in my mouth. My eyes closing, immersing into her taking care of me.

I hear her start to slide her clothes off, them dropping to the floor. Then she’s back hovering over me, and her ifinger slides down me slowly. I can’t help but let my head lower down, Paige grabs the leash up.

“Noo, I wanna hear you kitty…” She coos, leaning down near my ear. The leash making me arch until I see her face, upside down, eyes still visible against the darkness. She slides her index inside of me, I sharply inhale, and breathe out a low moan.

More are pounded out of me as she adds another digit into where I’m now practically drooling from, twisting and curling them, trying to coax my orgasm out of me. Paige stares down at me, entertained, her mouth slightly open while she works inside me. Fingers so close to her lap she’s moving her hips and hand, bouncing me up and down off them, with the help of the leash.

My eyes are hitting the back of my head, I have to concentrate to focus back in on her gaze. Her expression making my sounds of pleasure louder, closer together. I hear her grunts in her throat each time my ass hits her hips, coming down on her hand.

A knot ties tight inside me. It’s about to snap. Paige doesn’t lighten up on the leash or her strokes. The collar chokes me, and instead of complaining, I wish she’d pull tighter.

“You’re such a slut..gripping me like this…” She huffs. Her fingers rub profusely on my G spot. “About to cum, hm kitten?” Paige breathes out with a small chuckle, leaning down to kiss my back, sweat on her upper lip.

I yelp in response, barley able to grip the covers anymore, reaching back to put my hand on her hip, it makes her add another.

“P-paige, I love-“ I force myself to stop and squeal instead.

“I know, baby. Me too.” She grunts lowly back. My head is spinning, even though we probably thought the sentence ended in different ways.

My legs start trembling as a wave relief and instant exhaustion ripple through me. I feel myself go limp, the third finger sending me over the edge.

Paige lets me face plant into the duvet, letting go of the leash, cold metal hitting my sweaty back. We’re both panting, I hear Paige’s stop in between while she’s licking herself clean of me. She rubs my back with her free hand, an exhausted satisfied laugh comes from behind me. I can’t see but, I just know a smug look is plastered.

Rolling over to look at her, and she’s undoing her hair tie with the expression I predicted, blonde strands falling down her back, studying my flushed face. She was still naked, which makes me giddy for some reason, knowing she used to rush to throw her clothes back on.

“Come here..” I lazily wave her over. This time she does what I say. I think about saying it to tease her, but she looks so cute when she crawls on top of my chest and looks up to me, doe eyed, I kiss her forehead instead.

“It was good?” Paige asks soft, seeking reassurance, like I’m not still feeling the after effects of her hands on me. I stroke her hair tenderly, getting turned on by her warm body pressed against mine, her face on my chest.

“Great. Amazing.” I chirp back with confidence. “It gets better every time.”

“Really? I dunno if I believe that…” A toothy grin stretches on her face instead. “I guess we’ll have to go again to test it out..” she shrugs, watching me as she glided her palm up my stomach to my chest again.

I nod eagerly in agreement. I had something to ask her. I can’t remember what.

niyafics©️

[leonawriter]

Ayin, Carmen, and the Circles of Hell Project Moon's Works

First off, what I wanted to go over here is the assumption that at least someone must have started playing through these games without a full picture of who these important people are and what, exactly, is going on.

Part of what makes the games so special to me is the way that they're all narrated, in that... each and every single one so far (three games, but also the webcomics and webnovels so far) has been told by an unreliable narrator - either of the events they're telling, or of their own inner world.

In this post, I'm hoping to tie the games together in as objective way as possible, using as much game/official-backed fact as I can, but I can't promise to be an "unbiased narrator" myself, since there are certain stances I take and theories I back.

That said: expect spoilers for Lobotomy Corporation, Library of Ruina, Leviathan (Vergilius' backstory), and all currently released Cantos and Intervallos (so far, up to 7.5).

Okay.

To start off, I'm going to have to go right back to the beginning.

No, not the backstory of Lobotomy Corporation.

More like "What even is the City" - because unless we can understand that, we can't really say we can understand who these characters are, and why they're doing these things. The setting informs characterisation and cultural norms, after all.

The City is, basically, as those who've played or otherwise experienced Library of Ruina and Limbus Company will know, comprised of the Wings (districts) and then further divided into the Nests (where everyone wants to live, where it's safer), and the Backstreets (where no one really wants to live, but many have to). The main driving motivation for most peoples' lives is that they have to become employable to either a good organisation (legal or not) that will provide for them, as the moment they are not of use they will be fired and/or disposed of.

In other words, your life does not belong to "you." Your life belongs to "the City."

All of that stuff we hear all the time about "find work that you enjoy!"? Yeah, no, the most important thing is to a) stay alive at all, and b) find work that will enable you to stay alive. Being able to keep morals? That's a luxury.

The world (which as far as anyone is concerned here, IS the City) is run by people who do not care about the well-being of others, and "good" people get ground up by it, eventually learning to harden their hearts.

Now that we've got that out of the way...

I can actually go into who the characters are.

First off, and most importantly (and obviously, going by the title) we have Ayin, Benjamin, and Carmen. Later on in Lobotomy Corporation known as "A, B, and C."

We don't know much about them before a certain point. We can, however, easily see that all three of them were from a Nest, rather than the Backstreets; of the original Outskirts lab, only Kali (Gebura) was Backstreets, and both Enoch and Lisa were from the Outskirts. This means that all three must have scored highly in certain exams in order to stay inside their Nest (which ones, though, we don't know yet) as was brought up in an early chapter of Distortion Detective.

For all of Lobotomy Corporation, we see things through Ayin's eyes, and we really only see the events that lead up to the founding of the Facility that "X" (AKA, Ayin's future looped self) is running. Since we only see the worst moments, we aren't really allowed to see the good times. We're allowed to see some very relevant quiet moments, but other than that it's few and far between.

What we DO know, and that we can in fact take on board that is highly important, is that Carmen had a big dream of wanting to improve things for people, on an individual basis, and she was very good at pulling people around to her way of thinking. This is not an exaggeration, or a matter of bias; this woman would go on to recruit people from all sorts of backgrounds, from both the Nests and the Backstreets. She would walk more or less alone in the Backstreets, and as far as we know did not have a bodyguard (or adjacent) until she recruited Kali, a Grade 2 Fixer. Carmen's ability to recruit all sorts of people would later be compared to that of a cult leader in Library of Ruina, and by someone who knew a lot about the City.

(This isn't the only time Roland says something like that; he also brings it up with Netzach.)

Ayin, who would be Carmen's junior, followed after her, listened to her, paid her a lot of attention, did as he was asked, and as we see Angela later state, he would look at Carmen "warmly."

Ayin would also be the one who would end up being blamed for, or the cause of, the worst of what happened, for one reason or another. Much of this was, I would say, either 50/50 fault of the future Sephirot making bad decisions, and Ayin himself having no idea how to communicate with them in a way that would prevent such incidents, or outright being unable to.

Simply looking at him and the way that A describes things, as well as the way that Manager X would later respond to things, tells the story of someone who quite literally had trouble communicating and connecting with other people. After Malkuth's meltdown, when A is talking about and recalling Elijah, we see the line "It was only after a very long time that I realised giving praise every once in a while may have been a good idea." When introduced to Kali, it's pointed out that he seems to be "glaring" at her, and Carmen says that he "always has a serious look on his face."

There are other lines and aspects from other scenes, but going into how and why I see Ayin as autistic is for another post, really. The important part is that the game shows us that he is perceived as cold and distant by others, yet most often only figures out how to interact in a way that grants the social benefits he and others require once it is already too late.

There is also the fact that a lot of his reactions (both in the past, and in the present) are... very human. No one can give the perfect response of a hero while in a traumatic moment. Chesed actually outright states this during one of the flashbacks about himself.

So we have Carmen, whose dream was to have a "beautiful voice" that "everyone would listen to," and we have Ayin, whose dream we aren't privy to - he tells her, and she laughs it off.

I'm not making that up, by the way:

[Source: TeeQueue's LP.]

What we do know, however, is that... for most of his life really, he - as said - follows after Carmen. To the point that, in one particular flashback (during Day 48), she asks him, in advance, that "No matter what I may become, please finish what I started."

However, we can see from both Adam (the third of Ayin's fractured selves) stating point blank that the consequences of Carmen's Light would cause people to become abnormalities, and then in Library of Ruina seeing the direct result in reality... that the Distortion phenomena would begin because of her. Starting with one as big and destructive as the Pianist which destroyed most of an entire district, then the Reverberation Ensemble through the course of the game, and finally firsthand appearances in both Leviathan and Limbus Company.

Carmen truly does become the "beautiful voice" that everyone listens to; Leviathan goes as far as to have an entire conversation between her and a distorting Vergilius, in which we get to see what her perspective is, and... strap in, because this is why I explained what kind of place the City is in the first place.

Carmen, at her heart, wants the Children of the City to live for themselves. To be selfish, rather than living only for the sake of a City that does not care for them. To have their outside appearance resembles the self they keep inside. You can see, in the few times the reader/player is allowed to see what she's saying during a distortion, that she doesn't push people into distorting so much as she plays into their own pre-existing feelings and desires. Enabling them to feel that they are justified in everything that they feel.

The important thing to remember is that the root (ha) of Carmen's argument is not wrong. Remember: those born to the City are subject to the City, and exist only for the City. The City doesn't exist for the sake of the people, but only for itself. Therefore, the idea of someone suggesting "I want to make it so that you can be selfish, and live for yourselves" IS going to be incredibly tempting, and to many people. It's a subversive, inherently rebellious idea!

Even in the real world, we have countries that put a lot of stock into how well a country can function as a uniform system; Japan and China I know for certain put far more emphasis on the group than the individual, even now. Anyone coming from somewhere that doesn't may see this as a strange idea, but it IS a cultural mindset that exists in the present day, and it took certain movements ("egoism" for one, and Ango Sakaguchi's essay that is referenced in Bungo Stray Dogs is "Discourse on Decadence" for another) to get to the point we're at now.

The problem lies in the fact that the moment you start to only think of yourself, when you ignore everyone else you become a force of destruction, harming others, either on a small scale (only hurting those immediately around you) or a large scale (hurting many people as a result of your actions) without regret. You no longer care about the people you used to care about. The "self" is all that remains.

Carmen was/is a well-intentioned (by the City's standards) person, but who took her one good idea too far.

Judging by his reaction to Adam's revelations about the as-yet-unnamed Distortion Phenomena - and he DOES have a negative reaction to it, considering he answers Adam's religious fervour with Hokma's ability to "Face the past, build the future" and Binah's "Facing the fear, breaking the cycle," meaning that he saw Adam as wrong. I'd say it's a foregone conclusion that Ayin did not know that Carmen's idea meant what it did. Nor that it's likely that Carmen's idea was to distort people from the start.

This, then, leads to the fact that although we don't know Ayin's own wishes from way back at the start when they first met so clearly... we can at least say that he wanted at least some of the same as what she did; for people to lead happier, more fulfilling lives, which were not controlled fully by the City. He must have agreed with her on the fact that the City, in her terms, suffered from a "disease of the mind."

Their differences are where things get interesting, because in Leviathan it is stated that simply due to Ayin "joining [her] in the light" at all, the concept of also being able to form EGO instead of Distortion became a possibility. In fact, in that same chapter, Vergilius is shown to be suspicious of her brushing her "junior's" involvement off, in spite of Ayin being "involved in every cause and effect" (Vergilius' words, from the translation).

There is a certain irony, even, to Carmen causing rifts between the future Sephirot and Ayin when they first meet - saying things that could otherwise be playful teasing, yet in later context is, as stated above, rather dismissive-

Her telling Ayin "He's a bit pompous, so don't believe everything he says" about Daniel, and to Kali who, as stated above, asked why Ayin was glaring and was told "He just always has a serious look on his face." In another flashback, she wore him down until he could see no other option than what she gave him (about progressing the Cogito experiment); "What made me, us, so upset... was how much it hurt to listen to her put it so calmly, as if it were none of our business." As I pointed out earlier, she laughs at his dream, before carrying on.

And yet, because she entrusted the project to him, it's Ayin's fingerprints that are over all of Lobotomy Corporation, as well as how to activate EGO at all. "Face the Fear, Build the Future"? That's all Ayin. And yeah, he's hardly a saint; he still did everything that all of the flashbacks show us (and his present day self who is remembering/being shown). But the important thing is that people can be multifaceted, and half the point of Lobotomy Corporation, as I see it, is that people are capable of some truly horrendous things... but you are still capable of building from them and moving into the future if you want to try and be a better person.

That's literally the message that Ayin leaves people through the Light.

Which in turn, pushes us forward in to the later games, because the thing is, everything really does come back to those two.

In Ruina, the Sephirot - now the Patron Librarians - have to tiptoe around Angela, who only has negative feelings about Ayin due to him being the world's worst father by creating her and then refusing to look at her, and then sending her into an unending torture device. I can't fault her for being furious here. She has been given absolutely no reason to see him in a better light up to here, when she was created with the memories of someone who had fond memories of him.

However, that does mean that the Patron Librarians can't truly be said to be speaking their minds amongst themselves, and especially not with Roland. These are the people who came out of Lobotomy Corporation's loops changed for the better, and although you can still see their (metaphorical, psychological) scars, we can see through the things they say that "X" must have been talking back to them at various points, and specifically during and after their meltdowns.

I brought this up in another post, but here's Gebura in Ruina, stating "It's hard to take a step forward if there's no one around to give you honest advice," and that goes for both the Sephirot and also Angela. As they do point out, Angela never had that. Angela herself is very upset about it (which is an understatement).

I've theorised as well that the Patron Librarians would have talked more about Ayin at length, but they held off after Angela interrupted Malkuth.

After she says this, she's cut off, and Angela berates her. Given Angela is basically hearing what to her is her abuser being praised to high heavens by someone who was also harmed by him... it's no wonder she reacts like this, and given the way the Librarians are I wouldn't be surprised if they understood that - but it does mean that we don't see their true thoughts.

They'll talk around him, but rarely directly about him - and when they do, like Gebura above, she snaps at them. So we, the viewer, also do not get to see their full thoughts and feelings.

This isn't the end, however, since the endgame of Ruina throws a lot into perspective that is made rather blatantly clear in later materials such as Leviathan and Limbus Company: that is, the stances of Ayin versus Carmen, and expanding on how they're in opposition in a far clearer way than we had during Lobotomy Corporation.

Because Lobotomy Corporation's final days are full of unreliable narration and Ayin's other selves telling him how he felt (which... yeah, wasn't him saying how he felt), that wasn't as clear as it could have been.

Not anymore!

First of all, in order to get the full, true ending in Ruina, you have to have both Roland and Angela forgive each other and not keep that need for revenge. In other words, they have to face the past, and break the cycle. They've both gone through Realisations, with them venting out their feelings to the Librarians each time... much like how the Librarians themselves had to vent out their feelings to Ayin in order to cool off.

Once you've got that, Angela decides to sort out the Light, and gets one more Realisation/fight - this time something that Hokma had been warning her about. Interestingly, he's the only one who made her question where the ability to create Invitations and use the Library at all came from. He, while having faith in Ayin, makes her question her blind faith in Carmen. Because as it turns out, she has been leaning on the part of her that was built from Carmen quite a bit up to now.

This... doesn't last, now that she herself has The Knowing I.

Angela: As long as I'm part of this light, I'll do everything in my power to stop you.

Given how we know that Ayin's very presence in the light caused awakening EGO to be possible, it's not a stretch to assume that this is the same stance that Ayin has taken now that he knows what Carmen was actually after.

I'd like to add something that is implied by that statement that some might see as treading into headcanon territory here: that Ayin, after having dedicated his entire life, literally ten thousand years of loops, to following Carmen's goal, which entailed committing atrocity after atrocity both personal (putting his deceased friends into metal bodies and bringing them back time after time) and impersonal (the many, many canon deaths of the employees, and no matter how "S rank no death" run you try and make yours, a few Clerks will get themselves killed by something) - would feel horrendously betrayed by Carmen.

I do not see Ayin, when he sees her again after realising what she had been aiming for the entire time, greeting her as a friend.

There's an art I've seen someone do, of them meeting in the light, Carmen reaching out her hand, and Ayin refusing her for perhaps the first time, because he finally has the Will to Stand Up Straight, and the understanding that they're actually on opposing sides now. I strongly feel like that - or the vibe of it - is at least somewhat the intent with their characters.

This is backed up by how, when Angela has accomplished this, fought Carmen, finished what Ayin had been working toward herself (and most importantly, her own personal growth to get there), Ayin tells her "I'm sorry. And... good job."

So. That's Library of Ruina.

On to Limbus Company, and the Circles of Hell.

Because if anyone thinks that Ayin's influence stopped with Angela and the Library, they are dead wrong.

To start with, we have some purely meta things. The titles have the same initials, which makes them easy to confuse if you're used to just going "oh play LC-" because which one? Lobotomy, or Limbus? In the Project Moon interviews before the game was released, they would often refer to future games as "the sequel." First Ruina, and then Limbus. Limbus especially, given its initials, got called "LC2" at least once or twice.

So, Limbus Company is a direct sequel to Lobotomy Corporation, which deals with the aftermath of all the branches having shut down. Simple enough, right?

The next thing is the characters we meet.

So far, both Dante and each of the Sinners has something in common with Ayin. And almost every one of their respective enemies so far has something in common with Carmen.

Dante themself is the Manager. Instead of managing Abnormalities, they manage the Sinners, a group of twelve people who are brought down to the strength of the weakest among them because of Dante's ability to chain them all together- wait, that sounds... familiar?

"The person who learns to think about himself as Ayin will ascend to a spiritual world, where everything is the same and everything is equal."

[Source: Ayin and Yesh, in Hasidism, from Wikipedia.]

Oh, look who it is. Hello, Ayin. Or rather, the spiritual concept of Ayin.

Honestly, a LOT of things about Dante scream out to me as references to Ayin. As a person. If you wanna go look at all of them, my friend Kitty/ @strangefellows has a whole gdoc on it.

My own thoughts on it go from "If you change Dante's red uniform coat to a white lab coat and ignore their head, that is literally the same person and body language" to "Dante's inability to know what they're doing at first echoes how Ayin had no idea at the start of the loops, both of them suffering from memory loss," to "Dante, during the SEA event, sinks into the same sort of uncertainty that anything they say will make any difference that is so characteristic of Ayin's own silences," to "when exposed to a monolith, which induces distortion, Dante is said to remember more than they are capable of at the time and knows exactly what Peccatula are, which is something that Ayin would know intimately given his involvement," to "during the the time when Heathcliff is distorting, the screen flashes with a very specific image of Carmen lying in a field" - which should be familiar to anyone who's gone through Lobotomy Corporation since it's something that only Ayin remembers.

In short: there is a very high probability that we're going to see it confirmed at some point that Dante's past self (with memories) is actually Ayin himself. I personally do not see this contradicting any of the canon Limbus has given us, and it does in fact only build on it. You'll notice that when I talk about Ayin I use he/him, and Dante gets they/them - I personally love the idea that Dante's just gonna go "ooh, I get to play with more pronouns? Cool!" Collect 'em all, you funky tick-tock genderless dude.

(If you don't believe that, it's fine. I've only been listing off canon moments, however!)

Going back to "more than just Dante echoes Ayin, just as Ayin was similar to more than just the Keter," however, and... let's build on that.

Starting with Yi Sang.

Yi Sang is someone who was a researcher working alongside a small group of people, who created a technology that was meant to be a bright spot for pure enjoyment. However, a chain of events happened that had T-Corp's law enforcement coming down on them, forcing them to work for the Wings or scatter. He regains his ability to see that he still has a future, and that he can still attain "flight" (that is, his own ideal self) by working through his past and being proactive rather than simply letting it happen. A large part of his trauma lies in the League of Nine breaking up and him recognising his own loneliness, too, and as a result he can be later seen trying more than anyone else in the bus to stop the others from fighting and causing the irreparable rifts that torn his original friend group apart.

Yi Sang mirrors Ayin in that they are both researchers who were set apart from their friend groups, yet they both had a desire for friendship and to be closer to those people that they could not fulfil due to their own temperament.

Yi Sang also has the EGO "4th Match Flame" which...

If it weren't for the colour of his eyes, I'd outright call that Ayin.

Note that the Matchgirl's story is that of someone who burns themself out in order to gain a little more warmth, which fits both Yi Sang and Ayin.

Next we have Faust, who hasn't had her Canto yet, but we do know some things about her. She is very similar to Angela, in that she fills the role of "walking assistant and encyclopaedia" however as we see in MOTWE, she's also part of a collective, the Gesselschaft, and we do know that when she is disconnected from it she becomes a person who is keen on learning and investigating for herself, and Dante's attitude to her is very encouraging, even while they're having their own private panic/anxiety attacks over potentially being stuck in a 20k+ year dimension with (based on what we know from Canto 4) no certainty that they'll be able to forget. That isn't so much a direct Faust-Ayin comparison as it is a Faust-Angela and Dante-Ayin comparison, but it's still worth bringing up. I look forward to her Canto.

Next we have Don Quixote, whose entire Canto was about breaking free of her dreams and delusions to see how things truly were, but also - more importantly - it's about how one person with good intentions can try to push them onto other people, regardless of how much it hurts those around them. Of how, even if those dreams of a better world were good ones, because Sancho was never fully able to say "hey, maybe this is gonna not work?" they weren't held in check, so they do untold damage. How Dad Quixote sees what the other bloodfiends do to him as a form of "penance," with the sheer amount of time he is kept pinned to the wheel causing him to lose faith in his original hopes and dreams, not fighting back because he recognises that he is the one who caused them to lash out at him in the first place. Sancho-Don being the one to regain her dreams that had previously just been delusions, this time with her eyes open.

This one... barely even needs me to point out, really, but both Sancho and Dad Quixote are echoes of how Ayin and Carmen's best intentions could and did hurt many people, trapping them in Lobotomy Corporation headquarters/La Manchaland, and torturing themselves for their own inability to see the problems they'd cause. Sancho also ends up having locked her now amnesiac self in a very small room for roughly two hundred years, much like Ayin locking his amnesiac self in a small office for ten thousand years, with neither of them fully aware of the length of time that's actually passed. Both of them also are traumatised by witnessing a horrendous massacre of their home; Ayin by the Outskirts Lab, and Sancho/DQ by the sight of what La Manchaland became, and then by having to kill her remaining family.

Next on the list is Ryoshu, and... we honestly don't know much about her past or motivations since her Canto hasn't released yet and we haven't had as much focus on her yet. She so far (given my recent re-watch and read through of an LP) reminds me of Binah, since they both enjoy bloodshed and violence - and Binah herself tells A that she sees them as similar kinds of people, able to perform atrocities by looking the other way.

If we look at Ryoshu's source material, going into headcanon territory, we can see that the character she's base don had a child, who died horribly. One has to wonder how that's going to play out in Limbus. The idea of a parent and child storyline does make me think of Ayin's relationships with both Enoch and Lisa (both of whom died), and also with Angela, however.

Meursault currently doesn't have his Canto yet, but the similarities are plain and easy to see; they are both taciturn people who may seem blunt and/or harsh, and don't really... know how to people. Meursault is pointed at by many as being autistic, just as I've stated way up back in my description of Ayin that he seems to me. At the start of the story, Meursault doesn't seem attached to anyone, and merely does as he is told and not a thing more, yet by Canto 6, he is willing to activate his own EGO without having been told to, for the sake of the people he has grown to care about. Meursault is a lesson in "just because someone seems cold and aloof, does not mean they do not or are not capable of care."

Hong Lu's Canto is coming up in just a short while (it's in sight!) but he's honestly currently closer to having comparisons to Daniel, or rather, Chesed. Both of them are rich Nest boys. Chesed states that as Daniel he could have made it into even A Corp - that is, the Head - and he chose not to. They both have the same breezy yet confident way of talking (which, funnily enough, Dante and Ayin's ways of talking about Chesed and Hong Lu are very similar), too, and a similar trauma-based "I am past the point of caring" mindset, which others have talked about on Hong Lu's side at length on better than I could.

Heathcliff is someone who follows one woman, believes in her, and is the one who inherits her will after she dies. He also finds out that the one who he's been following and placing his faith in has turned her home into a laboratory, her body (dead or alive) is the power source, and she has looked into a mirror showing her countless alternate worlds full of might-have-beens that drove her mad from the revelation. He distorts from the grief and despair, is called back, and fights his evil alternate self at least three times before finally ending it all, with her deleting herself. He then re-engraves his weapon to state "REMEMBER" and in a later Intervallo is seen having taken on the role of assistant researcher.

....More than half of that could have been talking about Ayin. It is also within Heathcliff's "area" (T-Corp, more than just his canto) that we have the monolith introduced (which induces Dante to half-distort), as well as Heathcliff's own distortion (which causes distorted Lobotomy Corporation logos and Carmen's face to flash on the screen). This feels... relevant!

[Image: flickering, slightly distorted image of Carmen lying on the grassy field from after having played through 6-34. Her eyes are open and bright red. It is - other than the flickering - exactly the same as we see on LC1 Day 48.]

Also relevant is that so much of Heathcliff's entire Canto is about the consequences of miscommunication (much like many parts of the original Wuthering Heights). Because in Lobotomy Corporation, a lot of the Sephirot's problems were caused by the same thing. Either Ayin or them refusing or being unable to communicate effectively.

Ishmael's references are beautiful, in that hers is the second Canto where Dante is really getting into their stride as the Manager. I find hers to be so freaking important, because during SEA Dante is faced with Ishmael's mood regarding them heading into the Great Lake tearing the group apart, and when she snaps and tells them that she'll obey their orders but no more and no less from here on, Dante is... well.

The entire situation surrounding Ishmael's Canto goes deep into, first: how easy it must have been for someone like Ayin to fall into the rut of not wanting to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing, because Dante almost falls into that, starting from SEA and even leading right up into Canto 5.

[Thanks to Kitty for the doc letting me just find stuff rather than go through the cutscenes through theatre!]

This is something that Dante is having to struggle with and overcome through the duration of the Canto - what does it mean when you want to fit in, but you feel that no one around you feels the same way? What to do when your best efforts to try and help only make things worse? Do you give up and stay silent, out of fear, or do you keep pushing forward while following your heart, hoping that this next time, you can help even at least somewhat?

And then there's how Ishmael during the entire Canto, but especially during the dungeon, has to overcome how she has been following in her Captain's footsteps to the point that she can't even see her own path anymore. It's only by listening to Dante (who refuses to sacrifice themself, and who also refuses to ever give up on her) that she's able to change her target at the last moment.

Canto 5 ends with Ishmael having recognised that she had become the mermaid to Ahab's Pallid Whale, following forever in her footsteps... until Dante reminded her of how she could choose her own path. Much like how Ayin and the crew of the Outskirts Lab followed Carmen's wishes and dreams no matter how awful her ideas to follow through on it were, with Ayin only able to break out at the very last moments, the last few days, where he recognised where she was going wrong.

Rodya is one of the two who didn't really get a full deep dive, and yet (especially with TKT) we do get a lot to read into of her. She wanted to be the cause of change, and yet in spite of joining a group that advocated for people having better lives, they... mostly sat in their chairs and talked about stuff rather than doing it, and seeing Sonya's people seeming to be doing things when she left a long time ago is part of why she's not doing so hot right now.

From my notes: Just like Rodion, Ayin tried to do something to change the world around him, only to (effectively) make things worse in the short term. Rodion killed the landlady, who had ties to the Middle; Ayin took over a wing, but that led to the collapse of both L Corps, the stigma of all L Corp citizens, and many people suffering. 

Sinclair was originally just a normal Nest kid with well-to-do parents, who was led astray by a female classmate. He would be led further into the palm of her hand until she causes tragedy to strike, with the people Kromer had led into his home with his key having slaughtered his family. When he goes back to his home with the Sinners, he is finally able to face his past and his trauma, and become a more courageous person. Sinclair also has a male friend who tries to get him to follow the correct path back in school.

Personally, I find this easy to see as being the Carmen-Ayin-Benjamin effect, and we'll get back to that later.

Outis.... has not yet got her Canto, and given her military history it is almost certain that she was a participant in the Smoke War. In which case she would have known Ayin and/or Benjamin, no matter whether it's over the battlefield or in person. Given that she looks very similar to a character who should have known them, the latter seems more likely. She's also said some sus things on that.

I'm sure we'll get to know more about her as we go, but there was a moment during Canto 7 recently, where she's having a knee-jerk reaction to finding out that Don Quixote (read: Sancho) is actually a bloodfiend, and a lot of her objections are due to how many people Don Quixote must have killed. Partway through, it becomes clear that We Aren't Talking About Don Quixote Anymore, and Dante makes it clear that their support isn't just for one of them:

Outis "You don't know how many people she's killed by existing. will you embrace her still?" Dante <I will.>

Like, we don't know much about her for fact other than this so far (and she's started changing because of it since) but I feel like that assurance is going to come up for more than just Don Quixote and Outis. If nothing else, it's an extension of how in both Lobotomy Corporation and Library of Ruina, countless people are sacrificed in the name of the "greater good" - or one person's quest for revenge, or their own desire - and each one of the people who spearheaded those projects (Ayin, Hokma, Roland, Angela) could have this same question turned on them only too easily.

Gregor is an outcast, created by G-Corp, who has Sephirot symbols on the fabric covering his arm, and who participated in the Smoke War (on the side of the old L-Corp, against Ayin and Hokma). While serving in the war, he was the figurehead of his group; however, he was just as much a pawn of the military as any of them... much like how Ayin sure seems to be the one in charge and someone for those he's in charge of to look up to... only for it to turn out that he's just as trapped as the other Sephirot, and he had just as many issues as those in the Outskirts lab.

So. The Sinners as a group are cohesively tied to extrapolating on plot points and the characterisation of either Ayin or someone Ayin knew on a very personal level. The other point being "they may even have known him during the Smoke War, give or take."

The Ayin Narrative continues. It isn't about "his story is over," it's about "how do we further explain who he was, and why he did the things that he did." Even if you don't believe that Dante themself is simply amnesiac clock-headed Ayin, these are immutable facts.

Which then takes us on to the other side of the Cantos: the Bad Guys. The Villains. Sometimes even just The Opposition, as there isn't always a clear Good vs. Evil here, and this time I'll be going more in chronological order.

Hermann is Gregor's mother, and she was the one who was the head scientist of the old G Corp, and the head of the current antagonist group in Limbus to the Sinners. She's the one who "trained" Gregor -and when he encounters her in his Fathoms of Ego, it's by way of the manicured hands coming down to crush them, which they cannot escape, to the point that Gregor realises that the only way out is to let her catch them. It's more metaphorical than we'd usually get, but - he truly does exist in the palm of her hand, wouldn't you say?

Rodya's enemy is, really, the Syndicates of the Backstreets, and the system itself - she tries to fight against it, only for it to come back and crush everything around her, leaving her alive. Which is much like the way the Head came down on the Outskirts lab, isn't it? That said,

Sonya, who she had fallen in with, also wanted to change the world... although unlike Carmen, he never (at least, while she knew him) was able to move forward with any of his plans, meaning that people continued to get crushed under the system while he waited for the right time. What is like Carmen, is that he wanted all of the good effects of activism without dirtying his hands himself (Sonya can't argue that he simply let Rodya do her thing, and Carmen outright left the hard work to Ayin when she knew she wouldn't have the heart to go through with it).

Kromer is a religious fanatic who sees humanity as at its purest form when there is only flesh, no prosthetics whatsoever, and will use absolute violence against "heretics." She also isolated Sinclair from the one who would have been a good influence on him, and she used whistling to call to him. She was very attached to Sinclair, and wanted to make him into her own image - as seen in the mirror Identity "The One Who Shall Grip - Sinclair."

Kromer is basically an entire reference to how in Library of Ruina, Roland calls Carmen a "cult leader." Both Kromer and Carmen wanted something that is an unrealistic standard (humans into monsters/humans without any accommodations for disabilities etc) and both have a younger male character under their proverbial wing, in the palm of her hand.

The "bad guys" in Canto IV are not so much a single person or "evil organisation" as they are the Wing and the System of T-Corp, the breaking down of the League of Nine Litterateurs, and then the former members of his friend group coming back, yet this time in opposition to him... just as the Outskirts lab would fold in on itself, before being sold out to the Head, and the Sephirot holding everything against Ayin while he was managing the abnormalities from his office in a time loop.

Ahab of Canto VI is, like with many others, the woman who is so charismatic that she pulls an entire group of people along with her, and although she tells herself that she's doing this for them, and that they're dying in "glory" they... really aren't, and she's driving them off the edge, pulling them along in fanaticism. Ishmael refers to Ahab as her own personal Pallid Whale, recreating Ishmael in her image of endless hatred and violence.

Although Carmen isn't as outright violent as Ahab, she's more... indirectly violent. She knows that the experiments are going to cause deaths, and she sets them up regardless. She draws people in, and stops Ayin from being able to discourage them if they aren't ready. She is the pallid whale to Ayin's mermaid, following after her and becoming just like her. It's only due to the Seed of Light project having his fingerprints at the end that saves him from basically becoming "Adam."

Cathy... is someone who has Carmen's "weak heart," who "dies" because she gains the notion that something has gone wrong (Enoch's death/Heathcliff's absence and misery), who orchestrates events behind the scenes by being the emotion-powered generator of the lab and entire building that she'd altered. Sound familiar? We even have similar imagery there, given we have "Cathy in the coffin" and "Carmen [as] the Bucket."

Canto VII has Don Quixote (no, not that one) and Bari, who aren't even villains, and the bloodfiends, who... okay, kinda are, but the bloodfiends are acting on instinct, having been starved for far too long. Bari is someone who encourages a person who suffers from ennui to have something to look forward to, day after day. She tells him that he suffers from a "sickness of loneliness." He then takes what she's said, and creates an unrealistic dream from it, without thinking of the consequences and without thinking of how to make it a realistic reality.

In other words, Don Quixote (no, still not that one) has a grand dream that causes far more pain than he ever intended, to the point that in both the main world we play in and the mirror universes, the bloodfiends of La Manchaland rise up against him, having been suffering because of good intentions. Just like how Carmen had a grand dream, and because of it caused both her immediate team and then after them untold numbers of people to suffer, and to die for it.

Don Quixote sent Sancho (yes, that one) out on a journey to prove to him that his hypothesis (that bloodfiends and humans can coexist, that Sancho can have a grand adventure and come back better for it) only for Sancho to utterly break as a result, since she couldn't hold all of that on her shoulders on her own... much like after Carmen told Ayin to carry on her work after she was gone, Ayin also utterly broke.

So - not only do we get to see all of these different refractions of Ayin, but we also get to see each one of them faced with a refraction of Carmen. A possibility, a different circumstance,

The end result is that Ayin and Carmen are the threads that keep the Project Moon stories tied together. It is outright impossible to remove either of them from the narrative in any way that matters.

And going back to the title of the entire post:

This from Walpurgisnacht. The dev team and scenario/scriptwriters are well aware of what they're doing. Telling the stories of people who are fucked up human beings who are capable of falling face-flat on the mud and then getting up no matter how long it takes, and breaking their cycles no matter if it's even at the very last moment they could.

And the story of a Manager who keeps on refusing to let their people walk the wrong path.

In the really short:

"So, it's all Ayin and Carmen?" "Always has been."

[sungchansdimple]

Not Friends

Chapters - 1-8 + Epilogue

Sungchan x Fem Reader College student, friends to lovers, slow burn

Author’s Note: Not proofread! I included some Aespa members in here as characters because I’m a huge MY. Winter’s character is kind of an antagonist but I love her so much please don’t get the wrong idea lol.

Plot: Your best friend sungchan gets a girlfriend after years of friendship and you can’t quite understand why it upsets you so much.

Warnings: Just some angst. One heavy make out scene but i don’t write smut.

WC: 11.3K

“I can pick u up tn at ur place”

You receive the message from your friend Anton referring to the usual game and drink night that your three friends participate in weekly. Anton offering isn’t unwelcome, but it is strange given the fact that your best friend Sungchan has been driving you to game night for as long as you can remember.

“thanks see u tn loser” You reply before putting your phone back in your bag. The time reads 2:12, you’ve been in class for an hour and 12 minutes, but it feels like you’ve been here for days. As your professor talks about theories you know you should be paying attention to, your mind is somewhere else. Opening the messages tab on your laptop you send Sungchan a message. “will u be there tn??”

Class ends hours later, and you start to head home with no reply from your best friend. The weather was your favourite today, a warm wind with cloudy skies. Fall was your favourite season for the weather but normally september classes were full of freshman that recently graduated making your transit home much more difficult. The bus was full today which meant you could wait thirty minutes for the next one or walk 25 minutes home. Letting out a quiet sigh and putting your headphones on, you decided to start walking.

The streets are busy; you notice the number of shoes passing you as you walk with your head down. One pair of shoes stops and walks in pace with you. Looking up in confusion you notice a semi-familiar face. “Wonbin right?” You say to the smiling boy now walking beside you. “That would be me.” He says with a friendly smile and nod. You had known of Wonbin’s existence for all of university so far. He had the same major as you and had been in many of your classes before. First semester you had done a group project, but it was cut short due to a different group member using AI for their work and causing you all to fail. The warm wind blows his long hair into his eyes as he shakes his head and laughs softly. “I usually don’t see you on my way home, are you heading somewhere special?” He asks with a hopeful tone. “Bus was too full of freshman today so I’m walking home. I do have game night with some friends tonight though.” his hopeful expression falters for a moment but is replaced with a small smile and nod. “Cool, is it like board games or drinking games?” He says as the two of you walk. “Oh, it's kinda like-” You’re cut off by your phone buzzing. “chan” lights up the screen. “Sorry Wonbin I should take this.” He opens his mouth to speak but before you can hear him you pick up the call and walk ahead.

“Why wouldn’t I be at game night? How else am I supposed to destroy you at poker?” His voice buzzes through the speaker and you laugh at his competitive remark. “Why’s Anton picking me up then?” You question him. The line goes quiet for a moment which is worrying considering Sungchan is a huge talker. “I’ll see you tonight, okay?” He sounds almost cheerful which slightly eases your worries but the vagueness of his words his unsettling. “Uh, yeah okay. See you.” With that, you arrive home.

At 7pm exactly, Anton arrives at your apartment. You don’t notice when he first arrives because he doesn’t bother calling. You notice he’s here only when you walk out of your room and see him talking with your roommate Giselle on the couch. “You didn’t tell me you were here.” You say and throw your key at him. “Hey!” He takes the key and pockets it though you know you’ll get it back before you need to use it again. “Ready?” He asks as he stands up and says goodbye to Giselle. “Yeah, I’m picking the music.” You say as you grab your bag and a six pack from the kitchen.

“So... Giselle...” You say as you connect your phone to his car speaker. “What about her?” He says trying to force nonchalance though his nose and cheeks are dusting pink. You smile to yourself knowingly. “Nothing...” You say as you look out the passenger window. The car ride is full of comfortable silence and occasional karaoke. You had known Anton since freshman year of high school and always enjoyed his company. The two of you were introverts and found peace in the silence between you both.

“We’re coming!” Shotaro yells from inside the apartment. You and Anton laugh knowing you had knocked on the door more times than necessary. Moments later Shotaro opens the door with his usual contagious smile. “Finally.” He says as he hugs you and Anton.

Shotaro is Sungchan’s roommate and lifelong friend. You had known about his existence for as long as you’d known Sungchan but you only got the chance to meet him after you started university. He had attended a dance school across the country for years and when he graduated him and Sungchan decided to move in together.

“Hey Taro.” You smile and hug him back noticing the smell of his usual cologne. “Where’s Chan?” You ask as you look for your best friend that’s usually at the door before you can even knock. “Couch.” He says and moves aside to let you, and Anton enter. You walk in with the six pack and a smile. Your smile falters for a moment when you walk into the apartment and see Sungchan on the couch with a girl leaning on him. His arm is around her and they’re too lost in conversation to even notice your arrival.

“Chan?” You say quietly.

“You’re here! This is my girlfriend.” He says beaming.

Oh.

Chapter 2

Shock is an understatement. To say you were just shocked right now would be similar to saying someone running for their life is just shaken up. Sungchan had never even showed interest in anyone before, you’ve known the boy for as long as you can remember and not once did he have an attainable crush or as much as call someone attractive. “Nice to meet you.” You settle on a short greeting with a kind smile after probably 40 seconds of staring at them in complete shock. “She smiles awkwardly and nods. “I’m Winter.” She says quietly as she curls closer into Sungchan. He... giggles?

You can’t quite wrap your head around what’s happening in front of you before Shotaro and Anton walk into the main room with cards and drinks. You snap out of it and turn around noticing the games. Instinctively you walk to Sungchan since he’s been your partner for game night since the weekly tradition started. He looks up at you with an awkward apologetic look and offers a small smile. “I’m with-” “He’s on my team.” Winter cuts him off with a smitten smile as she reaches for a drink. You nod quietly and turn to Anton and Shotaro who have always been a separate team. You look between both teams now realizing there really is no room for you tonight. Winter looks at you and covers her mouth to hide what appears to be a laugh. Is she really finding this entertaining? “Looks like you’re on your own team. Sungchan was saying you always win at Uno anyways so it shouldn’t be a problem. Right...?” She says with no bite in her tone but something about the words makes your jaw clench. Oh, that little...

“Dibs!” Anton runs over to you and takes your hand. “I want her on my team. Sorry Taro I actually want to win this week.” He says as he looks at Shotaro with a soft laugh. Shotaro shakes his head and sighs dramatically as if Anton ditching him broke his heart. “Ouch... I guess I’ll have to beat all of you then.” He says as he opens a drink. Anton squeezes your hand and gives you a sympathetic look. Why would he feel bad? You really couldn’t care less who cuddles up to Sungchan and plays with him on game night. Not bothered at all.

Poker ends quickly, Shotaro surprisingly winning by a landslide. Sungchan sighs as Shotaro collects the chips with a huge grin on his face. “Told you...” He says proudly as everyone laughs and packs up the cards. Anton takes out the Uno cards and you excuse yourself to use the washroom as they set up. As you wash up at the sink you notice how tired you look. Game night is usually energizing and exciting but something about tonight feels off. Maybe it's the fact that Sungchan and you haven’t had any interaction other than necessary ones involving card games. You sigh and dry your hands taking one last look in the mirror before opening the bathroom door. You immediately walk into what feels like a brick wall but smells like home and musk. “Sorry Chan I walked out too fast.” You take a step back and he smiles down at you sheepishly. “Do you like her?” He asks with a hopeful expression. Yeah, she’s only the most arrogant possessive person you’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting but she’s great. “She seems super sweet.” Your eyes wander to the floor, and you let out a breath before looking up at him with a smile. “I’m glad you finally found someone Chan.” The way his face lights up at your approval of his new partner almost makes you want to like her. He beams down at you and nods. “Really?” You laugh quietly and nod. “Really.” He nods back at you, smiling ear to ear he hugs you tightly. Something you’re used to by now. When he pulls back his smile turns sheepish again. “Gotta use the bathroom now...” Your eyes widen as you notice you’ve been blocking the door. “Tell me to move next time loser.” You laugh as you let him into the bathroom.

Sitting back down with the group you feel more at ease with the night. Anton and Shotaro are talking about a song Anton’s been working on and Winter’s on her phone quietly. Maybe if you got to know her, you’d like her, all you know is that she’s Sungchan’s girlfriend currently and she has an expensive taste in jewelry if her necklace and rings are anything to go by. “Winter, are you into fashion? Your style is really cute.” You say as you admire her effortless looking streetwear. “She looks down at her outfit then back at her phone and nods. “Thanks.” She says stiffly. You give her a moment more to answer the question, but her eyes are glued to her phone. Laughing awkwardly, you repeat yourself. “Are you into fashion?” She looks at you with a tight-lipped smile that looks beyond forced. “I guess.” She says as if responding to you was charity work and she was in physical pain “Uno time!” Sungchan says with a cheerful tone as he sits down next to Winter.

The game has been going on for ages by the time you have one card left. “Uno!” You say as you look down at your plus four card with a knowing grin. Sungchan grins at you mischievously as he puts down a card changing the color to green. Laughing at his attempt you put down your plus four and high five Anton. “Uno Uno!” You both celebrate by clinking your cans together. A quiet scoff interrupts your celebration. “You can’t end with a power card in Uno.” Winter says as she looks down at the deck. “You and Anton tilt your head in confusion; you’ve been playing Uno weekly forever and it never said that in the rules you all used. “You actually can...” Anton says quietly. “Nope. That wasn’t fair.” Winter insists. “Let’s look it up then hm?” You snap back as you grab your phone.

“Can you not...” You need to take a moment to compose yourself as you notice who had just said that to you. “Chan what? You know that’s not the rules?” He sighs “We’re just trying to have fun. Let’s not get petty.” Your expression drops, completely unsure of how to go about this now that your best friend and other half is essentially telling you to shut up so his girlfriend he’s known for all of one week can be right about something she most definitely is wrong about. “Let’s do karaoke!” Shotaro chimes in after sensing the tension. Karaoke was normally an after-midnight activity if you were all crashing there for the night and multiple drinks in. “Yeah, let’s do that it sounds more fun than cards.” Winter chimes in as she hangs off Sungchan and bats her eyes at him. “I...” You stutter over your words trying to come up with any realistic excuse to leave at this point. “Um... Giselle! She needs help with a project, and I said I’d help tonight. You guys have fun though.” You quickly get up from your spot beside Anton on the floor and head to the door.

“Wait-” You hear someone stand up and follow you to the door. “Sungchan I told Giselle-” “Let me drive you home.” You sigh as you realize he wasn’t drinking all night for a reason but knowing you have nothing to say to him right now. “I... I already called an Uber ahead of time.” He looks worried as he takes your scarf off the hook and wraps it around you. “You’re sure? You can cancel it and stay later. I’ll drive you home at whatever time.” Swallowing a lump in your throat, you nod.” “I’m sure.” There’s a moment of silence between the two of you. “Goodnight Sungchan.”

With that, you start your long dark walk home through the rainy streets.

Chapter 3

The walk home isn’t as terrible as you thought it would be. Other than the rain and cool winds, your own head seems to drown out the sounds of the cars and nightlife. Why would he date her? You had never really been too sure of his type before, but you would’ve bet money on him not going out with someone as arrogant as Winter. As you arrive at your apartment after a quick 20-minute walk full of overthinking you dig through your bag for your keys. Feeling packs of gum, elastics, cards, and everything but your apartment key, you start to panic.

Anton.

You never got your key back after you had thrown it at him earlier that day. Now locked out of your apartment, you text Giselle hoping she’s still awake. “I’m locked out girl pls help me.” The reply is almost immediate. “WDYM???” Followed by a spam of messages about how she’s spending the weekend at her friend Karina’s house. With a sigh you take one last look through your bag and sit on the floor outside your apartment. You feel heavy with exhaustion, both physical and emotional after game night. You don’t even realize you’re crying until you hear a tear hit your phone in your lap. The tears keep falling as you stare down at the apartment floor. Not even minutes later you smell a familiar musk and feel a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, hey it’s okay. Everything’s okay I brought your key. You’re okay. Cmon...” Leaning into Sungchan’s touch, you take the keys from him and shakily stand up. He puts his hands firmly yet gently on your shoulders and looks down at you. “Let’s get you to bed.” He smiles softly as he takes the keys from your hand and the wet scarf from your neck and unlocks your apartment.

Once you’ve washed your makeup off and put on something comfortable, you walk to your bedroom to find Sungchan sitting at the foot of your bed with a worried but patient expression. His big brown eyes slightly obscured by his overgrown bangs as he waits for you to join him. With a sigh, you sit on the bed next to him staring down at the floor. “Wanna talk about it?” He asks with utmost kindness and patience in his tone. You let out a quiet sigh knowing you wouldn’t ever tell him the entirety of your feelings right now. “I’m just... I was locked out, and tired, and-” You think for a moment of any excuse. “Drunk.” You say knowing he’d believe you since you’re a known lightweight. He lets out a warm soft laugh and nods. “You wanna sleep it off or keep talking?” He says barely above a whisper. “I’m gonna sleep it off.” You say quietly, your voice threatening to break. He gently squeezes your thigh as silent reassurance and stands up from the bed. The shift in weight in your mattress leaves you feeling colder than you’d ever felt in your bed. He walks towards the bedroom door before stopping and looking back at you getting comfortable. “Call me if you need anything. I mean anything.” He says quietly. “Sleep well.” With that, he turns the light off and leaves your apartment.

The next morning is normal, your morning iced coffee from the campus cafe and an early lecture. On your way to the bus, you notice someone crouched down on the sidewalk picking up papers and pencils from the ground. “Sorry-” “I’m so sorry.” “If possible, can you not step on that- or- never mind...” The boy says as the crowd of students tramples his things. “Wonbin?” You ask as you crouch down and help him collect the damp school supplies from the sidewalk. He notices you and his cheeks flush immediately as he offers a sheepish smile. “Oh... hi!” He says as he notices you picking up his things. Once everything’s gathered you both stand up and you hold off from handing him his papers given the fact he looks like he has no way of carrying all of it himself. “Did your bag break?” You ask as you notice his usual tote bag is torn down the side and bottom seam. “He nods as he looks at the bag with a frown. “I knew it was inevitable but still... I’ve had it since high school.” He says with a quiet but almost pained laugh. “How far away from here do you live?” You ask him with a sympathetic smile. His eyes widen and he stutters over his words. “Oh- I- about ten minutes- why...?” You laugh at his confusion and how flustered he appears to be. “I’ll carry these back with you.” You offer. His eyes light up and his cheeks dust pink again as he nods and nearly trips over his feet walking down the street. “Oh! Cool. Okay. Yeah, let’s go.” He says with a newfound pep in his step as he walks you away from campus. You can’t help but laugh at his eagerness as you jog to catch up to him.

“So yeah, that’s why I never trust crusty white dogs anymore.” He says after talking for the whole walk back to his place. You can’t deny how much you enjoy listening to him talk about nonsense and the way he looks back to steal glances at you. The way his face heats up when you laugh at his jokes or pick up something he didn’t notice he had dropped. “We’re here.” He says with a smile as he uses a card to unlock the door. The apartment is undeniably beautiful, and he appears to live alone. The walls are lined with expensive guitars and vinyl records. Much cooler than you had assumed the place would look. As you place the supplies down on his table he walks over to you with a crooked grin and pink cheeks. “Thank you, I really appreciate it.” He says cheerfully. You smile and nod back at him. “Of course. I owed you for stealing your notes all senior year.” You say with a laugh. He laughs and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, I remember I was accused of stealing your notes since we always had the same ones and you did better on the exams.” He says with a quiet chuckle. Your eyes widen in surprise, and you feel guilty immediately. “Why didn’t you snitch?!” You feel your phone buzz in your pocket as Wonbin thinks of an answer. “Well, I-” You notice the time and realize you’re supposed to meet Sungchan at the book shop cafe today. “-I kinda thought you were...” Smiling a quick goodbye to Wonbin you cut him off. “Hey, I forgot I was supposed to meet someone today.” His smile turns to a quiet nod and an awkward lip bite as you start to leave. “Oh! Okay... Bye!” He says as you wave goodbye and run out the door.

Running down the street, you arrive at the cafe a few minutes early. You’re already out of breath and decide to order before Sungchan can arrive. You wait at the usual table with your hot chocolate and a book you had found while waiting in line to order. You check your phone noticing he’s fifteen minutes late. Opening the messages app you send him a quick text. “Chan where r u??? Wednesday cafe catch up??” Minutes pass with no response and you worry something might have happened to him since he’s never missed a cafe catch up. Clicking “Taro Milk Tea” on your contact list, you wait for Shotaro to pick up. “Hey what’ up?” He says in his usual cheerful voice. “Is Sungchan okay?” You ask him with a hint of concern in your voice.

“Yeah, he’s in his room with Winter right now.”

“Why?”

Chapter 4

Warning: There is a heavy make out in this chapter but no smut. Enjoy!

“He- I thought.” You take a moment to gather your thoughts. “It’s Wednesday, we always meet on Wednesdays.” Shotaro sighs quietly from the other end of the line. “Stay right there, I'm on my way.” “Shotaro no-” “I’m already leaving.” He cuts you off before hanging up the call. You look at your phone as some ignorant part of you is still waiting for a response from your so-called best friend. You stare down at your cold hot chocolate and feel a pit in your stomach. Sungchan has been there for you for as long as you can remember and one girl took all of that from you in the span of one day. It’s not even like she’s that great, right? Sure, she’s pretty but that’s all she has going for her. Sungchan deserves someone that’s funny and kind. Someone that knows his order at the campus cafe and what terrible films he watches repeatedly. Sungchan deserves-

“Hey!” Shotaro runs into the coffee shop frazzled as he shakes his long coat off. “You smile politely as he sits down at the table in front of you. You and Shotaro weren’t necessarily close, the only time the two of you ever hung out alone was the odd day that he would drive you to meet Sungchan. “Hey.” You say quietly. He gets comfortable and hangs his coat on the back of his chair as he gives you a sympathetic look. His blonde bangs are messy given the fact he arrived here only ten minutes after you called him and his apartment is at least fifteen minutes away. “Look... I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you.” You sigh at Shotaro’s damage control and stare down at your unfinished drink. “Have you ever considered that you might be... jealous...?” He asks and recoils as if he’s afraid you’ll hit him. You laugh and shake your head. “Shotaro respectfully, he’s not my type. He’s just my best friend and he didn’t really act like it today.” With that, Shotaro sighs and nods. “I’m not defending his behavior, what he did sucked, and you deserve better.” He takes a breath gathering his thought before speaking again. “I think there’s just some inner reflection that could happen...” He shakes his head rethinking his words. “Listen... I know Winter isn’t... ideal, but he likes her so as his friends we should just accept it and be happy for him, right?” He looks down at his hands. “He hasn’t been making time for anyone but her so don’t feel too down.” You look up at him and tilt your head. Shotaro continues. “I honestly don’t think he’s spoken to me since they started dating other than last night.” You sigh and nod. “So, it’s just us and Anton I guess.” He lets out a quiet laugh and nods in agreement. “I just... I don’t think it’s bothering me and Anton as much as it is you...”

Shotaro drove you to your apartment that evening and apologized on Sungchan’s behalf. His words plague your mind. Why would you be jealous? Sungchan isn’t your type, and you couldn’t care less who he dates. You flop down on the couch and look at your phone, a message from Sungchan two hours ago.

“He’s busy.”

Your blood boils. You’re typing without thinking now. “Enjoy your time with him, you’ll have much more of it from now on.” You’re fuming as you’re reading the message over again. Winter is insufferable, but Sungchan? Since when did he let people boss him around like this? To think Shotaro thought you were jealous? You don’t need Sungchan, there’s other boys that would be happy for your company, that wouldn’t stand you up or waste your time. You can think of one right now.

It’s nearing 9pm when you knock on the door. You had spent the last hour doing your makeup nicer than you had in years. Your hair purposely messy and your perfume the perfect alluring scent. The door opens and Wonbin’s eyes widen, his lips parting in shock as he tries to think of what to say. “H-hi...” He stutters out as he looks at you in confusion, though he can’t deny the way his eyes linger on your outfit a little too long. “I want you.” You say to him with need in your tone. “His jaw nearly hits the floor, and he looks around behind you as if assuming people are waiting in the corners with cameras. “Wh-what?” He looks at you with concern, his gaze checking over you to make sure you’re not intoxicated or injured. “Are you sure?” He asks hesitantly. You nod and look up at him with desire. “I’m sure Wonbin, please.” You say in a reassuring tone.

He steps aside letting you into his apartment before closing the door behind you. He awkwardly stands there waiting for you to make the first move, tugging quietly at the hem of his sleep pants. You look over him and move closer, your chests nearly flush against each other. Looking up at him, you speak in a breathy whisper. “What are you waiting for?” He seems conflicted though there’s no doubt of the want in his gaze as he stares down at your lips. “Are you sure you don’t wanna do this the right way...?” He stutters. “I- I could get you your usual iced coffee and we could have a cafe date.” The word cafe date echoes in your head. Yeah right. You lean up ghosting your lips over his. “I want this. You. Now.” He snaps, giving up all restraint and catches your lips in a heated kiss. His hands rest gently on your waist as he guides you to his bedroom without your lips parting for even a second. His touch is so gentle and kind, you wish he would be firmer. He lays you down on the bed and admires you for a moment. He smiles sheepishly before speaking in a slightly breathless tone. “You’re sure? Like 100%?” You nod as you look up at him with pure want. He nods one last time before leaning down and kissing you again, this time his hands sliding underneath your shirt to feel the soft skin of your waist and stomach. You pull him closer by his hair which causes him to let out a breathy whimper. You wish he wasn’t so delicate with his sounds. You wish he was rougher. His tongue grazes your bottom lip as he tries to deepen the kiss. You part your lips allowing him to feel inside your mouth. His breath is minty, his citrussy scent flooding your senses. You wish he smelled more musky, more familiar. His delicate hands gently travel up towards your chest as he reaches around to unclasp your bra. You wish his hands were rougher, bigger, more familiar.

You wish they were Sungchans.

“Is everything okay?” “Did I do something wrong?”

You notice Wonbin has now moved off you leaving a comfortable distance between you and him. You feel the warmth of tears streaming down your cheeks as you look at him. “I’m so sorry.” You don’t even know what to say to him. You don’t know how to tell him you used him, you pretended he was someone else. You only showed up tonight to distract yourself and try to make someone jealous that couldn’t care less. He stares at you in concern as he patiently waits for you to speak. “I shouldn’t have come here. You didn’t deserve this.” He frowns slightly but gently intertwines your fingers with his, letting you finish. “I was just jealous of someone else and confused. I used you as a distraction and I-” You feel your composure snap as your voice breaks.

“I’m in love.”

Chapter 5

You tell Wonbin everything. You explain to him that you and Sungchan have been best friends since grade school and how he had never showed interest in anyone romantically. You explained that girls would flirt with him all the time because he was tall and pretty and undeniably charming. You told him about how you used to hate those girls because you thought they were creepy but how you realized just now that it was jealousy. Wonbin sits quietly and listens intently to everything you say without judgement. His hand occasionally wiping a tear from your cheek but never interrupting you. Once you finally calmed down and went silent, he gave you an extra minute to make sure you had said everything you needed to say before speaking.

“Have you tried talking to him about his girlfriend...?” He waits a beat before speaking again. “If she’s as terrible as you say she, is he probably should know...” You sigh and shake your head quietly. “No, I only talked to Shotaro about it at the cafe earlier and he agreed with me.” Wonbin nods quietly. He looks defeated and tired, but his eyes remain kind, and he continues trying to offer support. “Maybe talk to Shotaro about how you’re feeling.” You immediately shake your head but before you can argue with him, he cuts you off calmly. “If Shotaro knows him as well as you say he does, he would probably have better advice than me.” You sigh knowing he’s right. “I’m just not that close with Shotaro and I don’t want him to be weirded out that I’m telling him I’m in love with his roommate.” Wonbin’s gaze falls to his hands as you mention your love for your best friend. Though, he still musters up a reply. “You said he came to the cafe without hesitation today, right?” You nod quietly. “Then he cares about you more than you think.” You think for a moment. Wonbin was probably right, Shotaro does care about you a lot more than you originally thought, possibly more than Sungchan does right now. You could spend more time with Shotaro and stay away from Sungchan and Winter, so you didn’t feel so terrible, and you weren’t interfering with their relationship. You nod in agreement with Wonbin’s point. “You’re right. I should talk to Shotaro more. Sungchan isn’t my only friend, and I can just hang out with other people.” Wonbin’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “I didn’t-” You hug him tightly. “I am so sorry for tonight, you deserve someone as great as you and I hope you can forgive me.” He seems confused at the sudden hug and gratefulness. “Of course, I get feelings are confusing and I don’t want you to feel too bad about this.” He says against your head as you hug him. You pull back with a sincere smile and climb out of his bed. “I think I’m gonna head home and do some thinking.” You say with a hint of determination. Wonbin nods and politely sees you out of his apartment with a kind wave and one last hug.

The next day you text Anton an update about everything that had happened after you met with Wonbin. You had texted him the day prior with your plan and ignored his multiple messages reading “WHY??” “Bad idea SUCH A BAD IDEA” “HELLO????” “ARE YOU ALREADY AT HIS PLACE???” Anton replies with a very basic I told you so though, it was more loving than out of spite. You ask him to meet you at the campus cafe to which he happily agrees. As you get ready, you notice a message from Sungchan. The message makes your stomach twist and your heart ache as you read it.”

“Hey, Taro told me about our cafe meet up, I didn’t mean to stand you up. I know I messed up and I don’t want you to feel like a low priority for me because you’re my best friend. A lot happened and I’d love to tell you if you have time to catch up?”

You turn off your read receipts and close your phone. Grabbing your keys and bag, you start your walk to the cafe. The fall weather is as frustrating as ever today, the wind blowing your hair into your lip gloss and the rain blowing at you under your umbrella. As you approach the cafe you put your umbrella in the bin and take your jacket off before meeting Anton at a table near the window nook. He smiles as he notices you and puts his phone in his bag. “So...” He says, knowing you have a lot to talk about. You tell him about all the events of the previous night to which he internally cringes in on himself for given the fact that Wonbin is his lab partner and friend. Once you’re finished, he lets the information sink in for a moment before speaking. “First off, you definitely owe Wonbin a coffee or something...” He takes a moment before speaking again as if making sure his words were the right choice. “Have you talked to Sungchan about this at all?” You scoff at his response, Sungchan didn’t deserve to know if he was gonna ditch you and his other friends for some random girl. “No? Why would I?” A familiar expression crosses Anton’s face at your response. One you know all too well from the last million times you had said something nonsensical to him. His eyebrows furrow slightly, and his teeth form an awkward attempt at a supportive smile as his shoulders raise slightly. “Um... why would he not...?” He asks hesitantly. Your jaw nearly hits the table. “Maybe because he got a girlfriend and completely ditched everyone he ever cared about? Anton are you blind?” He seems conflicted as he tries to think of a response. “Maybe just reach out to him...” He says as he anxiously bites his lip. He knows something you don’t. You lean forward slightly. “Anton...” His shoulders drop as he sighs. “What...?” He says in a defeated tone. “Why should I reach out to him? What do you know?” He lets out another exaggerated sigh and pulls his phone out of his bag to show you the lockscreen alone flooded with messages from “Burger Man.”

“like i get it but it just sucks so bad”

“she hates me doesn’t she?”

“anton pls talk to her for me i messed up so bad”

Oddly enough, the messages make you feel accomplished. The fact that he’s finally starting to feel regret for the way he ignored you and chose someone he’d known for a week over you. Anton notices your smile and puts the phone away. “I won’t tell you what to do, but maybe just talk to him before game night so it’s not awkward.” He says that with a straight face as if game night wasn’t awkward last week because of Sungchan and his girlfriend. “I’m not gonna be at game night this week.” You say as if it was obvious. “Anton looks completely lost. “Why not? It’s your day off?” You nod. “Yeah, it is but if he wants to bring Winter then the teams should be even anyways. He seems to have more fun playing by her game rules anyways.” Your nails start digging into your palms at the memory. Anton picks up on the tension and lets out a quiet sigh. “If that’s what you really think, but I love having you there.” He looks down at the table. “You’re one of my best friends and I wouldn’t want you skipping out on fun things over a boy. You shake your head and gently squeeze his hand on the table. “I didn’t have fun last week at all. Staying home is what I want, trust me.” Anton nods in understanding before handing you a menu. “Okay, I’m hungry let’s actually eat now.”

Chapter 6

Game night passes, a full week passes. It’s not that you’ve been having trouble ignoring Sungchan but it hasn’t been fun. He also isn’t making it easy.

You walk into the cafe, it’s Wednesday morning meaning you have a morning class, and you get an iced coffee as a treat for actually dragging yourself out of bed. Wonbin started meeting you for coffee since last week, you both enjoy each other’s company and since you had owed him a coffee anyways, he thought why not continue tagging along? Wonbin waves you over with a smile. His winter hat is pushing his bangs slightly into his eyes and his scarf is covering his chin, not leaving much to see but a pink nose from the cold. You both grab your coffees and head out towards your class. As you’re walking and telling Wonbin about your research paper you’re stopped by a familiar tall figure.

You look up at him in surprise and slight embarrassment. “Sungchan?” He looks like he had just come back from soccer practice and was probably freezing in the cold dry air wearing his shorts and cleats. He catches his breath quickly before talking, his tone almost unreadable. “You haven’t answered any of my messages?” His big eyes look down at you as they threaten to gloss over. He looks between you and Wonbin and speaks barely above a whisper as if he was afraid to ask. “Is this-” “Are you two together?” Wonbin looks just as shocked as you at the question, he laughs awkwardly and says he’ll catch up with you in class before leaving as fast as he can. You look up at Sungchan with slight irritation. “No Sungchan, we’re not together.” You sigh. “Why do you care?” His bottom lip quivers slightly, he presses his lips into a line to stop it before answering. “Because you’re my best friend?” He blinks down at you, his eyes full of confusion and pain. “We tell each other everything.” He sighs. “Last time I got a message from you, you were arguing with Winter over messages to my phone then I tried to apologize.” He lets out a shaky breath trying to gain composure. The air he exhales is visible in the cold. “I thought maybe we could talk it out and you were gonna communicate but next thing I know, Anton’s telling us on game night that you hooked up with Wonbin?” His words are spilling out as tears threaten to fall. “Who even is Wonbin? You’ve never mentioned him to me.” A single tear falls down his cheek as he finishes his train of thought. “Did I do something wrong? I just want us to be us again.” His words feel like a punch to the stomach, but the real blow is the way his round beautiful eyes are brimmed with tears threatening to spill over his pink cheeks. You notice the field has cleared and sigh quietly. “I...” Your voice breaks as you speak. “I have class Sungchan.” You turn and walk towards the building. Your own tears threatening to spill over.

The next few weeks are worse than you thought they would be. You knew you couldn’t just ignore him but the thought of seeing him up close in person and acting like you weren’t crumbling under his gaze and fighting every bone in your body to stay platonic with him sounded much worse. You would occasionally send him a text of something that happened that day or a picture of a dog you saw. His replies seemed more forced than normal, and you both knew things had changed between you. He was spending more time with his teammates, and you were spending more time with your classmates. You weren’t sure if game night was put on pause or if it had ended completely. They may have just found it easier with the three of them and Winter instead of an odd fifth person that didn’t quite fit into a team. It seemed like you were slowly losing your old friends, Shotaro had only reached out to send you a meme occasionally, and Anton was never much of an in-person guy, so you texted for the most part now.

Your exam season had come to an end, and you hadn’t seen Sungchan since that day on campus. You replay the exchange over and over again in your mind. The pain in his eyes and the tremble in his voice. You had still been dealing with the whirlwind of emotions from him ditching you for Winter and the fact that you had realized you were in love with your best friend. You were sure that staying away from him would make the feelings fade but you understand why people say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Every time you pass his neighborhood you start walking towards his apartment to knock on the door and tell him you were stupid, and you love him even if he doesn’t love you but you know you can’t do that out of respect for his relationship. You lie in bed reading your old messages and looking through his Instagram highlights with you in them. Your heart aches at the sight of the two of you happy and close to each other. Minutes later you hear a light knock on your bedroom door and call out to Giselle telling her she can come in.

She walks in and looks at you from the doorway. “Show me your phone, and don’t scroll or go to the home screen just show me.” You groan dramatically, knowing she’s onto you before flipping the phone revealing your messages with Sungchan from earlier that summer. She gives you a knowing but pitiful look before climbing into bed with you. “Girl you can’t do this to yourself, I’ve never seen you this way before.” You sigh and put your phone on the nightstand before looking up at the ceiling. “I messed up too bad I can’t fix it now.” She hums in response, signaling you to continue. “I’ve been distant and ignoring him since that day. It’s awkward every time I text him now, I ruined everything we had.” You clench your jaw and swallow a lump in your throat trying to keep it together. You hadn’t really spoken to anyone about this and saying it out loud is bringing up all kinds of emotions. She nods quietly in understanding. “What’s stopping you from meeting him somewhere and telling him you’re feeling this way?” You immediately shake your head and cover your face with your hands trying to block out the world. “I can’t just be like hey I know you have a girlfriend, and I basically ignored you for over a month but I’m in love with you.” Giselle rests her face on her hand as she lies down on her side looking at you. “He has a girlfriend?” You let out a sigh and nod. “Winter.” Giselle smacks your hand on your face causing you to smack her hand back and curse her out. “Girl, are you stupid!?” She looks down at you as if you were the epitome of ignorance. “They were like a two-week fling! They broke up so long ago!”

You never considered yourself a very religious person, but you swear for a moment that there is a God somewhere praying on your downfall.

“What...?” You say with your mouth hung open and your eyes nearly bugging out of your head. “Karina knows Winter and when I was at her house last week, she was telling me all about how Winter said her ex was way too invested in his girl best friend and it was a huge red flag.” She smacks you again. “She was obviously talking about him!” You take a moment to fully absorb this information and what this means for not only you, but Sungchan as well.

He had just broken up with his girlfriend and gone to you, who was supposed to be his best friend, for support to which you had brushed him off and gone to class then ignored him and ruined your entire relationship with him out of jealousy.

All while he was trying to deal with a breakup.

Chapter 7

Shorter chapter but after this we’ll be getting out of the angst.

You nearly trip over the curb running down the street. You don’t care how late it is all you care about right now is getting to sungchan. Explaining everything to him, apologizing, seeing him. You don’t bother calling ahead of time, knowing he’ll be home since the soccer season is over, and he isn’t a nightlife person. The wind is harsh as the winter air sends chills through you. Your thick scarf not doing much against the weather. The cars driving past and groups of people walking to the clubs don’t even register in your mind as the only thing you’re focused on right now is the fact that Sungchan was no longer with Winter and you two could be normal again. Arriving at the building, you don’t even bother with the elevator, sprinting up the stairs and approaching the door.

Before knocking you get the familiar ache in the pit of your stomach. The fear of not knowing how this exchange will go. On the way to his apartment, you hadn’t even considered the fact that maybe he didn’t want to see you. You hadn’t been the nicest to him the past month, you haven’t even asked to see or call him once. What if he’s asleep right now? What if he doesn’t even think about you anymore? You’re not even a passing thought in his life anymore. Just a memory-

The door opens and Shotaro’s eyes widen. “Why were you running? I heard the footsteps and thought we were about to be robbed?” He puts down the kitchen knife in his hand and rubs his eyes. His sleep shorts and tank top are wrinkled signifying he just woke up or got out of bed. “Shotaro I-” You don’t know what to say now that you’re here. You want to leave, tell him you’re sorry and you were drunk and confused. He steps aside without saying anything, inviting you in. You hesitantly take a step in and look around for Sungchan. His bedroom door is closed meaning he’s probably inside. Just one door between the two of you. One door and a month of silence and awkward tension. Shotaro looks at you and tilts his head. “I... came to see Sungchan.” Your voice is quiet and hesitant. You hug your arms around yourself tightly and stare down at the floor of their apartment. “I get it if he doesn’t want to see me though.” Shotaro presses his lips into a line while looking between you and Sungchan’s bedroom door. “He hasn’t been...” He thinks for a moment before continuing. “He’s a bit rough around the edges right now.” Shotaro says carefully. “In his room.” He then adds before walking into the kitchen.

You walk over to Sungchan’s door, your hand hovers over the wood. Letting out a shaky breath, you knock gently. A groan comes from the other side “Taro I said I’m busy!” You stand at the door not knowing how to respond. If you say something, would he even want to open the door? Or would he open it and yell at you about how bad of a friend you’ve been. Before you can think any further, you hear footsteps approaching quickly before the door opens.

You’re taken back by Sungchan’s appearance. His bangs more overgrown than usual, light stubble on his usually clean shaved chin. His usual bright brown fawn eyes now resemble more of a void with eyebags to compliment them. He looks down at you and his eyes widen, his mouth falling open as he stumbles over his words before just staring at you. “I... wanted to talk to you. To see you.” He looks conflicted as he looks past you, you’re assuming he’s mentally cursing out Shotaro for letting you in. He sighs quietly and walks back to sit on his bed. The room is dim as you enter and close the door behind you. You’ve been in this room countless times before, memorized the polaroids on the walls and the gaming setup. The unusual collection of burger shop menus in his bookcase where any normal person would have literature. Though, something’s different this time, it’s just a room. There’s no life, not laughter and snacks and sleepovers after finals. Your eyes brim with tears as you finally look at Sungchan. For such a tall boy, he looks so small right now, vulnerable and sad. “Sungchan-” Your voice breaks. “I’m so sorry.” You don’t know what else to say as you feel a warm tear run down your cheek and neck. He looks up at you from the bed and sighs in defeat. He stands up and pulls you into a tight hug, it’s clear he needed it more than you did by the way he presses his nose into the crown of your head and holds you impossibly close.

After a few minutes he’s ready to pull back and lets go of you pulling back and looking down at you. “What did I do?” He asks in such a small voice it feels like your heart is breaking just from the sound of it. You look down at his bedroom carpet in shame and guilt. “Sungchan you didn’t do anything. I hated Winter so much and I thought it was because she was arrogant. I was a terrible friend to you and it’s because it took you getting a girlfriend for me to realize I-” You stop yourself not wanting to say it out loud. Your head feels full, your ears almost ringing as if your brain is yelling at you not to say it. Sungchan takes your chin in his pointer finger and thumb to gently tilt your chin up. He’s clearly waiting for you to continue. Every bone in your body is telling you to make up a lie, say something else, anything else. But your heart is telling you that you can’t look into the eyes of this wonderful boy you’ve spent your whole life with and hurt him any longer. With a shaky breath, your gaze drops back to the floor. “I realized I don’t... I don’t want to be your friend.” You say quietly. He speaks in a small broken voice. “Why not? I don’t understand.” Your shoulders drop in defeat.

“Sungchan I don’t want to be just friends. I wanted more.”

Chapter 8

Sungchan’s expression drops, unreadable. Your heart sinks in uncertainty, too embarrassed and guilty to speak or explain yourself further. His lips form a tight line, and his gaze drops to the floor. Before you can try to take back what you had confessed, he speaks. “Don’t lie to me about this.” His voice is quiet. “Please.” You immediately shake your head and hold his wrist, more for your support than his. “I wouldn’t lie about this Chan, I promise.” His eyes fall back to the floor, he seems lost in thought. Every second that passes feels like eternity, the silence weighs on you like boulders crushing you further into the ground as time passes. He looks back up at you with a more serious look now, a small movement against his cheek as he thinks of what to say next. His habit of poking his tongue into the side of his cheek when he’s thinking was something you found endearing about him since childhood. He licks his lips before furrowing his eyebrows slightly and speaking with a shaky voice. “If this isn’t some stupid joke... If you really do mean this...” He takes a deep breath and blinks down at you, uncertainty etched all over his face as his voice wavers.

“Then can I kiss you...?”

You freeze completely, every muscle in your body tensing up after hearing the words fall from his lips. Apparently, the expression on your face was all too readable. You feel a familiar warmth on your cheek which gently tilts your face to look up at the patient brown eyes above you. You want to nod your head and cry tears of happiness, tell him yes and never make him feel unsure of how you feel ever again, but you need to hear him say it first. You need to be completely sure that this is real and you’re not asleep in your cold room dreaming that this is happening for what feels like the millionth time. “Wh- what did you say...?” You could swear you catch him laugh at your words, a quiet, almost inaudible laugh. A small amount of color returns to his face, or at least you believe it does with the way his eye smile lights up his appearance. He opens his hand fully now to cup your cheek as he looks down at you. “I want to kiss you right now. Can I kiss you?” He can’t fight back a small smile before speaking again. “Please?”

You frantically nod your head which causes him to laugh again, Carefree this time like he no longer feels the need to hide anything from you. His eyes sparkle down at you. “I just need to hear you say it.” You look down and laugh along with him before looking up and nodding again. “Yes, you can kiss me loser.” Without wasting a second, he leans down pulling you in as he cups both of your cheeks. It’s not as romantic or coordinated as you had imagined it. Mostly just the feeling of his teeth against your lips as he giggles and smiles against your mouth and caresses your cheeks with his thumbs. You laugh with him and speak against his lips. “Chan, are you kissing me or eating me?” He pulls back with a bright smile. “Shut up can a guy not be happy?” You roll your eyes, though there’s no actual attitude behind the gesture and Sungchan is sure of it. He takes your hand and leads you to his bed. Your heart races with nervousness. “Is this not a bit too soon?” You say with a soft laugh. He flops down on the bed beside you and puts his hand on his chest while tilting his head and knitting his brows together in mock offence. “You think I’m that shallow? We’re not gonna do anything, I just wanna talk about something with you.” You stay quiet letting him continue as you start to run your fingers through his grown-out hair.

“I wanna talk about the fact that you have a big crush on me and hated my ex.” You slap the side of his head, and he bursts out laughing, his eyes turning into crescent moons as he holds his stomach trying to compose himself. “Okay I shouldn’t have worded it like that, but please at least explain further.” Your shoulders drop and you groan from embarrassment. “I did explain it you idiot don’t make me elaborate.” You realize that you still weren’t sure of his feelings. Did he even like you in that way or was the kiss just a heat of the moment thing? “Chan, do you have feelings for me?” He thinks for a moment which is concerning. Now that you think about it you don’t really resemble Winter much at all so you’re probably not even his type. He pokes your cheek and offers a smile. “You think too much, I wouldn’t kiss you if I didn’t like you.” He laughs to himself. “One might even say I have a big crush on you too.” You feel the blush spread across your cheeks as you laugh at his words. “One might even say we have a big crush on each other.” You say with a wide grin. He nods and sits up moving face to face with you again. “One might even say I want to kiss you again.” He says smiling ear to ear with pink dusting across his nose and cheeks. You laugh at his flustered state and nod. “Hmmm. Well one might say I would like that.” He brings your lips to his by cupping your cheek and pulling you in. You both laugh into the kiss as falls back and pulls you onto him. Your shared laughter not stopping as he starts peppering kisses across your cheeks and nose.

“You guys have been really quiet, and I know it’s not my place but I-” Shotaro opens the door walking into the room before letting out a confused gasp and what sounds like a yell and a cheer combined. “Put a sock on the door knob next time you freaks!” He says before leaving and closing the door quickly. You look at Sungchan in shock, but he just grins up at you, not letting go of you for even a second.

“He’s gonna have to get used to it.” He says as he presses one last kiss to the tip of your nose. You move to lie down beside him and look up at his bedroom ceiling. “You know, he knew before I did.” You say as you reflect on the memory of Shotaro in the coffee shop. Sungchan laughs and starts mindlessly tracing patterns on your arm. “He knew before I did too.” He says like he’s finally putting the pieces together. “He basically told me Winter was a mistake from the first time he met her. He said she’s just a distraction.” He sighs. “I thought he was just being a jerk, but he knows me better than I know myself, so I should’ve just believed him. It would’ve saved me a month of ignoring you and feeling guilty.” You turn to look at him, confused by his last statement. “You were ignoring me? I was ignoring you.” He shakes his head. “No definitely not, I was ignoring you.” You shake your head in disbelief, “But-” “The phone works both ways.” He cuts you off. “Maybe we were both terrible people.” He says as he continues tracing shapes on your skin. “Maybe we were.” You agree with him.

The silence between you two is much more comfortable than earlier. You both know how tired the other is, emotionally and mentally. You’re looking up at the ceiling while Sungchan looks at you. The room is dim, nothing but the light Shotaro has on outside shining through the cracks of the door and the moon to light up the room. You’re both nearly asleep when Sungchan whispers. “So, what does this make us?” There’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice, so you turn to face him and gently move his bangs out of his eyes. “This makes us happy.” You say with a small sleepy smile. “We can talk more deeply after some sleep, okay?” He nods quietly and whispers back “You know where my clothes are if you don’t wanna sleep in your jeans.” You smile at the offer and roll out of bed heading to his dresser. Bunched up in the second drawer is a t-shirt you’d seen him wear countless times. You shoot him a look, and he takes the hint, rolling over and facing the wall for you to change. The shirt almost reaches your knees and hangs loosely around your shoulders. He doesn’t turn back around until he feels the mattress dip as you get in. You both smile at each other in the dim light of his bedroom.

“Goodnight.”

Epilogue

Epilogue

You nearly trip over Sungchan’s feet as you bring the drinks into the living room for game night. Joining Sungchan on the floor, he puts his arm around you pulling you in and kissing your cheek. Anton fake gags at the two of you and Shotaro smiles like a proud Mom. Sungchan starts shuffling the Uno cards and you hit his arm lightly. “We’re not all here yet, we can’t start.” He sighs dramatically. “I actually wanna win this time, one round without them...?”

“We’re here to take home the trophy for the third week in a row.” Giselle smiles as she walks into the apartment. “And we brought fancy drinks!” Winter says following closely behind Giselle and holding a fancy expensive looking bottle of alcohol. Sungchan groans and presses his face into his hands. “I swear they hide cards in their shirts or something.” Shotaro says as he hugs them hello and takes the bottle from Winter with a small bow of appreciation. You all settle into the tight space around the living room table on the floor as Shotaro begins pouring drinks and Sungchan hands out the cards. “Come join our team for the night, girls vs boys...?” Winter says as she smiles and extends her hand to you. Sungchan laughs. “Nice try you’re not stealing my gir-” “Okay!” You say with a wide grin as you take Winters hand and move to the other half of the table. Anton can’t stifle his laugh as Sungchans mouth drops open in shock and betrayal. Shotaro puts his hand on Sungchan’s shoulder and shakes his head. “Alright, looks like we’re all losing together Chan.” He says as he pulls Sungchan closer to him and Anton.

After three rounds (one tie) later, you, Winter, and Giselle win the majority and take home the plastic trophy for another week. You all end the night with karaoke and more drinks. Sungchan (being your ride home) sticking to his can of soda as he sings along to whatever they’re playing from the TV. You get an idea as you notice the way Anton looks at Giselle while she sings. He’s sitting on the floor in front of the couch with his head tilted up watching her sing in awe. Her voice is undeniably amazing but that’s not the reason for his admiration. “I wanna see a duet!” You say as you stand up and pull Anton up from the floor harshly. Both of you stumbling slightly from standing up quickly and the alcohol in your system. You hand Anton the remote and let him scroll through the songs on the karaoke channel, he lands on one the two of you had known since high school. “I don’t know this one very well.” You say as it starts, handing the mic to Giselle. Anton looks confused as he looks at you. “What? Yes, you do-" “I’m actually feeling a little too drunk.... Chan...?” You look at Sungchan on the couch as he shoots you a knowing look. He nods and stands up linking your arms together. “I can tell, let’s head out.” You both leave Anton and Giselle to sing as Winter and Shotaro cheer them on sleepily from the couch.

“Playing cupid huh?” Sungchan says as he helps you into the car. You smile at him and nod. “It’s about time someone did.” You say as he kisses your forehead and places his jacket over you. “I agree, they’re oblivious.” He adds before closing the door and walking over to the driver's seat. “Did Giselle need a ride home too?” He asks as he starts the car. “No, I took her key, so she has to go home with Anton since you guys don’t have room and I’m too drunk to let her in.” Sungchan laughs and shakes his head as he starts driving. “Evil but very well planned, I respect it.” He says with a smile. He gently places his hand on your thigh as he drives with a sheepish smile. “How drunk are you really?” You laugh at the question. “I’m actually fine, I was gonna ask you to go through the drive thru...” He looks at you with a hopeful expression. “Yeah, fine we can get burgers.” You say while rolling your eyes and letting out a soft laugh. He squeezes your thigh gently and his smile is now beaming. “Okay, only because you practically begged me for them.” He says as he switches lanes.

You arrive at your apartment with a bag of burgers and fries, your drinks already half empty from the ride home. Climbing onto the bed, Sungchan pulls you down with him and burries his face in your neck peppering gentle kisses on your skin. You laugh and pull him back by his hair. “We can kiss later I want food now.” You say as you smile at him with blush spreading across your cheeks. He quickly leans forward planting a quick kiss on your lips before nodding and pulling back. He takes the food out of the bag handing you your burger and tearing the bag open enough for the both of you to split the fries inside. Sungchan offers you the first bite of his burger, a habit he’s had since you first started dating a little over a month ago. You take a bite even though the two of you ordered the same thing. Sungchan smiles at you and swipes some of the sauce from the corner of your mouth with his thumb before bringing it to his lips and licking it off. “Ew! Why would you do that!” You say as you look at him with a dramatic disgusted expression. He laughs and eats a fry from the bag. “So, it’s completely fine when your tongue is in my mouth, but I can’t eat burger sauce from your lip?” He asks as he raises an eyebrow. You nod. “Exactly, now you’re getting it.” He throws a fry at you, and you throw one back.

At around 2am you both decide to sleep, Sungchan deciding to spend the night, though you both knew he was going to before he even offered to drive you home. You’re lying on your back as he has his arm thrown around your waist and his face nuzzled into your neck. You’re gently playing with his hair as you feel his warm familiar breath against the skin of your neck. Eventually you feel his breathing even out, he was always able to sleep anywhere you think to yourself. You close your eyes letting sleep take over as you relax fully into the mattress. Fully into Sungchan’s embrace. The two of you had been spending the past few weeks sleeping at each other’s apartments but the novelty never wore off. The comfort of having the person you care about the most in the world wrapped around you as you drift off to sleep.

“Goodnight, Chan.”

Thank you for reading this far. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing :)

I’ll take requests for long fics or oneshots until I get inspiration for another project.

[rangarlamamicado]

Insane Deltarune Theory Time,, but hear me out

The Angel (The Player Soul) and The Devil (Device_Friend) are mirrors of one another with the same powers. And a major few reasons to prove this involve Homestuck.(*groans* I know).

Let's go over this:

POINT 1: Possession.

Kris is a seemingly living host who is controlled by an outside force, us. Kris is often described as Zombie-like, implying that Kris cannot survive without the soul for too long. We are a parasite that Kris doesn't seem to enjoy hosting (i.e., Weird Route Ch4 aftermath), though they don't *get rid* of us.

The likely reason for this is what the voice on the phone (Carol) mentions. Kris cannot close the dark fountains without the soul, meaning they would be trapped in The Dark World if they're caught in one without it. Kris and The Knight are the only ones who can manipulate fountains (See Point 2).

But that's the thing... What do we know about The Knight and Device_Friend? Why go to the lengths of saying Device_Friend is The Devil, anyways? We will acknowledge this in the Intermission after this point.

Well, the very first glimpse at The Knight we get is of them hunched over, drooling and with a glazed-over eye. The host, like Kris, may likely have little to no control over their actions. For the purposes of our case, we can agree for now that this only makes sense if Dess were The Knight. It is the only way this can make sense for this theory since Carol has her role aside from being The Knight. It is this rope she plays that may tell us more about The Knight's powers - and how they parallel ours (See Point 3).

If Dess is deceased or a host completely taken over by The Devil, it would make complete sense that there would be no will or resistance like from Kris. It also explains why The Knight and Kris have similar animations and actions.

INTERMISSION 1: Summoning

It is mentioned on and off in passing that Catti tried summoning a demon when everyone was younger. I believe this has MAJOR significance that shouldn't be overlooked.

We can deduce that Kris, Dess and Catti would all be in the same clique due to being edgy youngsters as of when this happened. They must've succeeded in summoning it in a place nobody would easily find them - like by the lake, where the forest grows - and proceeding to follow the tail they see from what they summoned. But... Asgore must've suspected something. He goes out of his way to try and protect them from The Devil, but Dess makes a noble sacrifice and is dragged away instead - presumably to the bunker. Hence, Asgore is blamed for Dess' disappearance and loses both his job and his marriage.

What's so interesting about what this implies is that something must've occurred for this summoning to work. Since Kris and Catti were both likely there, it wouldn't be unlikely for Kris to try the summoning again to try and track Dess down - leading to Kris summoning the soul instead. If summoned by a monster, The Devil is made. If summoned by a human, The Angel is made. Light and dark.

POINT 2: Light/Dark Powers

It is known that Kris is the one to seal the fountains thanks to their soul, and The Knight is the one who creates them. While this is not unique to The Knight, there is one thing that *is* unique to them; Special Dark Fointains.

Ralsei says only specific darknesses can bring forth the dead. Kris' dark fountain differs from The Knight's because the one Kris made only focused on a space familiar to them. The Knight can make dark fountains - like that of Castle Town's - in which all darkness can flourish.

A being that harnesses light, and a being that harnesses dark. An angel, and a devil.

INTERMISSION 2: Tricky Tony's Homestuck Parallels

This may be a bit heady, but we know Toby likes to lift from Homestuck on many occasions. I'd like to direct your attention to two key characters - Peregrine Mendicant and Jack Noir.

Both are denizens of Sburb's (the homestuck game world) two major dreamspaces - Prospit (the light dream world) and Derse (the dark dream world). PM is from Prospit, and JN is from Derse.

At some points in the story, both come across rings (due to their ties with the royalty of both dreamworlds) that give them powers - special powers. Namely, they draw from the powers of the Kernelsprites (familiars) of the main party, The Kids. One of these familiars has god powers due to being formed from an all-powerful dog named Becquerel. JN, immediately upon getting these powers, is filled with an immense desire to kill all who opposed him and disrespected him in his life. Way down the line when PM gets their own ring, their immediate goal is to stop JN.

Drawing from the powers of the familiars... Drawing from the powers of your allies via ACTing. Powers of light and dark, the light one on a mission to stop the dark one, who wishes to destroy everything. An angel on a mission to stop a devil from causing The Roaring, both of their powers possessing otherwise mundane vessels - a human (light) and a monster (dark)... opposite, yet equal.

And what's more, JN's signature move - which they use *from the ring* is called 'Red Miles,' which is a move involving red vein-like energy surging and destroying or (importantly) corrupting things. Locations, planets, even entire universes can be destroyed by it...

And then remember what happens to Noelle in Ch4's weird route. Noelle is corrupted by this, just like the universe is corrupted by Red Miles. The result is red, vein-like fragmentation of her very soul. The parallels carry far more than one may think.

Homestuck is required reading for Deltarune, and I stick by this.

POINT 3: Influence

It's already well enough known that the soul has the power to ACT on its own... But both in Undertale and Deltarune, there's one common thread - the power to change people's minds. Even the most cruel of monsters can be spared with enough persuasion and determination.

This is immediately seen in Deltarune when both Susie and Ralsei fundamentally change across the story. Susie opens up and lets go of her burdens and self-loathing, while Ralsei lets go of his selflessness and dishonesty. They become attached to you... they can't ACT without you.

And when they're separate from you, you can see them. You can *influence* them. Even back in Ch1, when Susie fought Lancer, she resisted your influence. But in Ch4 against Gerson, she *let* you control her. And she didn't even know it...

Ralsei, meanwhile, seems to be above you in some way, what with their way to influence *you* to influence others. Not Kris, but *you*. They know you can focus elsewhere, and does so on multiple occasions to try and get you to control/influence Susie elsewhere. Ralsei goes along with your orders in order to complete the facade, but the fact he's immune you focusing on him means he's above you in some fashion - meaning he's far more powerful than he let's on. But that's besides the point for now. Instead...

Enter Noelle.

The Prophecy states LOVE finds it's way to The Girl. LOVE is an overt reference to LV, which is clearly seen with Noelle's ThornRing bringing her to 55 (LV) HP. Not to mention that the Jingle Sword (Holiday Pencil) can be wielded by her, and not by Susie like the prophecy picture depicts. It's clear that Susie is an outsider to The Prophecy - she is The Dragon of Dragon Blazers, wherever that fits into the actual prophecy (Ch1, where they 'defeat the dragon' as Gerson says).

Noelle in the weird route is experiencing exactly what Susie and Ralsei are experiencing, but to a higher degree. An *extreme* degree. Noelle's being influenced so strongly that her sense of free will is being stripped in exchange for absolute obedience to your will. In the Ch4 weird route, you solidify this - irreversably damaging her soul in order to place her in a 'trance' state, like the ThornRing says. Noelle is a puppet to you, doing your will - not Kris' will, but *your* will. The *Angel's* will.

Enter Carol.

The Knight and Carol in some way are linked. Carol has essential knowledge about the dark world that not even we the player know. Who's to say that Carol isn't just *cooperating* with The Knight, but a *puppet* to them? There's no reason the mayor should have that kind of knowledge considering it's clear she's busy with her work almost constantly - though that *could* be a front - but if the two are literally *linked*, that makes everything make way more sense.

Carol in this sense cannot be The Knight because Carol knows that The Knight is Dess. She is a bitter, grieving mother who would do anything to see her daughter again - even if it meant giving into The Devil to take her very soul as a puppet.

This also recontextualizes why The Knight wished to abduct Toriel in Ch3, and the meaning of the 'police sacrifice'. The act of 'sacrifice' is the very thing you do in the Ch4 weird route - they sacrifice their soul to you for complete obedience and trance. If Toriel became a puppet, she would be able to monitor you from your very own home - to keep tabs on The Angel and squash out any plans for resistance.

Carol is a puppet. Noelle is a puppet. Both of their fates are intertwined in Dess' life as Rudy's life hangs in the balance of it all. The stakes couldn't be higher, as they're both afraid of losing the ones they love again. They would do *anything* to protect the ones they love... *and* the ones they LV.

INTERMISSION 3: Tricky Tony's (even further) Homestuck Parallels.

If the Homestuck parallels are anything as I thought, we can view the corruption of the universe (and the hopping to a new, alternate one) in Homestuck as what may happen with Noelle.

Kris is corrupted and damaged beyond repair, but you - the player - jump ship to a new alternate vessel. If it's part of the prophecy - which it *may be* (since it says 'The Cage, with Human Soul and Parts') - like most of the prophecy, it can be interpreted many ways. 'Human Soul and Parts' may imply 'Human Soul and Human Parts,' as in Kris and maybe eventually your vessel (hence the Human Parts). However, it could also be interpreted as 'Human Soul and [Other] Parts,' whether those other parts be Soul parts or body parts. If it's the former, it could be surmised that you *will* possess Noelle at some point, jumping ship from Kris after a major event (maybe having to do with losing their hand). Noelle's soul, meanwhile, will be 'in parts.'

During the battle in the dying universe in Homestuck, Jade tries to stop PM and JN, but is killed on her quest bed - reviving her with her god-tier powers. Interestingly, she merges with a familiar of a version of herself merged with Becquerel, making her part dog in the process. Kris is depicted acting dog-like, such as howling or doing dog-related things in combat for ACTs. If this revival of Jade represents this, then that only further implies that Noelle will be who we the player possess on our way to the final battle against The Knight in the weird route.

In Homestuck, PM and JN have an epic final battle, but one thing of final note is the fact that both have one major weakness... Jade herself, who was the owner of the god dog Becquerel. We can make parallels between Becquerel and Friend, since the parallels also tie between Noelle and Jade. Both owned a pet at one point that has deific powers, and those powers are held by vessels that both in some way are attached to her. Friend was raised by Noelle in CatPetterz and may feel a parental bond to her like Becquerel did with Jade. Us, the player, feel a bond with Noelle because we as human beings like her as a character. Hence, we, The Angel, and The Devil also parallel together in that way.

Interestingly enough, in the final battle in Homestuck, Jade tries to stop them - but PM pushes her out of the way when JN hesitates, dealing the blow that severs the ring and JN. This may suggest that The Knight may be susceptible to Noelle, but we must commit a final disrespect - maybe even being 'The Death of The Girl' in The Final Prophecy that Susie misinterprets as her own death.

And the other thing... PM makes JN lose their hand in order to lose their ring in the final battle. Without their hand, they have no powers. Without our hand, we cannot ACT.

HOMESTUCK. IS. ESSENTIAL. READING. FOR. DELTARUNE!!!!!!

CONCLUSION: Final Thoughts

I in no way have faith any of my predictions hold water, as many things are likely to be more original than my Homestuck-based theory-crafting. However, the point still stands that we The Angel and Friend The Devil are kindred spirits at heart. I firmly believe they will serve as the Flowey of this game, perhaps even including the Asriel-like reveal of them being Dess in their final battle.

I can't act like I know what I'm saying, though! I'd love to he surprised, but I'll definitely post more Deltarune theories in the future, like how I think the Ch5 secret boss is going to be Carol - but that's another plate of cookies for another glass of milk.

I hope you like the theory! Feel free to share it as long as you credit this post. Otherwise, go ham :3

[curliiwurlii]

Ok just watched the ATA 3 trailer and I got some questions and theories already:

-The setting for ATA 3 will take place in the sewers which will lead to the Hameln facility and that makes me ask: how the hell does a library lead to the Hameln facility? And that gave me an idea; what if the Kensdale Public Library was built from an abandoned area from the Hameln facility? That would explain why the bunker leads to the sewers which lead to the facility.

2. There’s this one scene in the trailer where the person we’re playing as is in what looks to be a security room and Amanda pops up on one of the screens and startled him. One thing worth noting is that the character yelps when they get startled by Amanda, which probably means that whoever we’re playing as isn’t Riley. If it were Riley, we wouldn’t be hearing any noise coming from our character. Y’know who I think it is? Do you remember those secret tapes that are recorded in the Hameln facility by someone who is always chased off at the end? Well, I think that we might be playing as them. My theory for this scene is that this is a flashback of that character running from people at Hameln and stumbling upon the security room where they meet Amanda for the first time. Another thing I want to add to this theory is if this is true, Amanda might not have her memories yet if this is a flashback because it’s implied that she started getting her memories back when Kate and soon Riley were watching the tapes. So, if this IS a flashback, Amanda would just be acting like the character without breaking character.

3: Any content of Wooly is noticeably absent from the trailer, which is weird since we just got introduced to the Wooly monster at the end of ATA 2. I think they’re purposefully leaving Wooly out of the trailer because we’ll be getting more lore from him and his monster and it makes sense as to why they wouldn’t put that in to spoil everyone.

4: What are the secret tapes going to be like? This game is going to take place in the place where everything happened, so we’ll most likely be getting more lore for them and probably more tapes that are related to Rebecca, Kate and Sam. I REALLY hope we get secret tapes related to Wooly, though. We are completely DEPRIVED of any special lore for him and a backstory overall, which is kind of sad because I love his characterization. I just hope he doesn’t turn out to be a villain.

5: The opossum is back, which makes sense because Amanda and Wooly didn’t really kill him, just made him pass out. If we look at the thumbnail of the trailer and the new logo, Wooly is noticeably angry at the opossum for being here, while Amanda is happier about him or just doesn’t care because she has her own problems to deal with. These images might say what is going to happen, though. Maybe in this game, Amanda will grow to like the opossum while Wooly is completely hating on him. I’m honestly intrigued by how they’re going to handle their relationship, especially Wooly’s with the opossum because he’s being shown to HATE this guy. Will they get to know who he was? Will the opossum act less chaotic and annoying? Will Wooly snap because of how much he’s being annoyed by the opossum and Amanda? I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now. Can’t wait for the game to come out! I’ll be RAMBLING about it for a long time so get ready

[mumms-the-word]

Illithid Souls - Part 3

The Case Studies: Karlach and Gale

Welcome to the third and final part of this wild deep dive rabbit hole monstrosity that is the three-part series about illithid souls and whether mind flayers, or specifically you as a mind flayer, have a soul.

If you read Part 1 and Part 2, then you know that yes, illithids have souls, they're just different souls that the gods don't recognize as souls because they're non-apostolic, or incapable of divine worship (as opposed to being apostolic like most humanoid souls). You now also know that you turning into a mind flayer is a bit of a special case because of the Netherese magic in the tadpoles, and this might be why you retain more of your soul than normal mind flayers would.

Also, a quick reminder of the two theories we're working with here: Theory 1 is that when someone becomes a mind flayer they essentially just die and their (apostolic) soul moves on to the Fugue Plane and the mind flayer body just gets a new illithid soul from somewhere. Theory 2 is that when someone becomes a mind flayer their soul is transformed and altered into an illithid soul, which remains tethered to the mind flayer body. BG3 seems to operate more on the Theory 2 side of things, but as we'll see with Karlach and Gale, it's more complicated than you think.

So let's deep dive, shall we?

The Case of Karlach

I'm going to be candid here and say that the mind flayer ending for Karlach makes me really sad, even knowing that there's a very high chance that her soul is mostly intact and she is mostly still Karlach. But there's no denying she's at least a little different, though the game tries to comfort us otherwise after she transforms.

Narrator: *She is transformed. Her body is no longer hers, but her eyes, her heart - she is still Karlach, for now. Only - there's a hunger in her eyes that wasn't there before.*

That "for now" is rather ominous, isn't it? But we have enough evidence from Tav/Durge/other Origins and Orpheus to suggest that the likelihood of her retaining her memories and her personality is very high. In fact, when you talk to her during the epilogue, she does seem mostly the same, though her language has mellowed out to a more formal tone and she speaks less colloquially (and swears less and less).

If you talk to her immediately after she transforms, she marvels that she's still "herself" but also "more," which again reinforces that we all get to be special mind flayers who don't completely lose our souls. But I think there are some interesting lines in this dialogue:

Karlach: This is wild. I'm myself but... but more. Player: I don't like the sound of that. Karlach: Don't worry, soldier. It's still your old pal under all this purple. But suddenly 'I' am different than I ever knew. And my engine, it's... it's... silent. No heat. No gears. Still there, but no longer threatening to explode. Soldier... Player: I guess turning into an illithid has its perks. Karlach: Here I thought I was making a sacrifice. Thank the gods I'm a noble fuck! Shit. I'm gonna be all right. I get to be alive. I get to stay. As a hideous monster, sure. But one that can feel. Think. Live. But I'm still myself. And I know what our mission is. I'm glad I get to the do the honours.

Karlach reiterates over and over that she's still herself, but you can literally hear the change in her voice. Where normally her tone and volume would be boisterous, loud, and energetic, she's now calm and mellow, even when she's swearing. Her tone here is more one of wonder. It isn't just the internal and external fires that have calmed down, her overall demeanor seems "cooler" too.

Also, in her romance ending just before the epilogue, where you're both in the Elfsong Tavern room, you can mention that she does seem a little altered.

Player: I still love you, Karlach. I still want to be with you. Karlach: I love you too. Before, that love was an irrepressible inferno. Now it is a calm, cool object of beauty. Player: I can see you're still yourself, but there's something else in there too. An illithid calm. Karlach: Maybe you're right. I feel less... changeable. Less afraid. I feel ready for whatever is to come.

It doesn't tell us much, but it does reinforce that when we or any of our companions turn into a mind flayer, we likely retain a lot of our former personality, but in a much more calm, even-keeled kind of way. Again going back to the idea that our soul is still there, still mostly the same, but has been made a bit more illithid.

What is more interesting for Karlach, specifically, is her discussion of her diet as a mind flayer. Remember what souls are allegedly made up of? Intelligence, personality, and what else?

Memories.

Karlach: For example, my favourite food used to be mutton chops. Do you know what it is now? Brains, soldier. Brains. Player: Comes with the illithid territory, I suppose. Karlach: True. But I've found ways to maintain my values while respecting that which I am - that which made it possible for me to live. I've made arrangements with a healer in the city. When a patient is beyond saving, but still able to speak for themselves, they're offered a choice. They can go as nature intends to take them. Or, when they're ready - when their goodbyes have been said, their affairs settled, and all that awaits them is pain - I relieve them. When I consume their brains, I am nourished by much more than the physical nutrition. Their memories - from birth to death - become part of me. I've lived hundreds of childhoods, first loves, marriages, feuds and friendships. I remember them all. And in this way, we all live on. Together.

There's so much to unpack here. One, she still remembers her values, even six months later, but is trying to negotiate her former humanoid values (and personality, I imagine) with her needs as a mind flayer. That seems very Karlach, through and through.

But then, when she consumes these dying patients' brains, she absorbs and retains their memories. I imagine their souls still go on to the Fugue Plane, because I highly doubt that mind flayers also consume souls when they eat brains, but it still leaves me with questions. Karlach isn't part of a hivemind, which normally circulates memories between each other, but she's becoming a similar kind of receptacle for memories, and only she is the one that contains them, rather than an entire hivemind.

I have to wonder how much something like constantly consuming and remembering memories that are not your own affects you as a person/creature. Does that eventually lead to a loss of self, as you begin to "live" multiple different lives? Or does it all count as mere knowledge?

In some ways this would put her in competition with any elder brains still out there, but she's also not collecting knowledge for the sake of knowledge. She's collecting memories and living them out in her mind, which is a certain kind of tragedy. She's literally living vicariously through these people because her mind flayer body is too scary to go out and about in, and she's making up for a decade of life she didn't get to live. She's alive, but she's not...living if that makes sense. And again...how long before all these memories start to change who she is?

(An aside. I really don’t think her eating brains and collecting memories keeps someone’s soul from moving on. If you use the spell Speak with Dead, you don’t call back an entire soul, but the corpse still has access to its memories. I think in this case, even though memories make up part of a soul, Karlach consuming brains and collecting memories is more like her downloading a copy of the memories for herself. The dead person likely still takes their own memories with them to the Fugue Plane, where they will be judged by Kelemvor or collected by their favorite deity. She’s just copy/pasting data, not transferring everything from one hard drive to another, if that analogy makes sense.)

This arrangement where Karlach consumes the brains of dying patients is expanded or clarified a bit if you're romancing her during the epilogue, and also includes a reference to souls as well.

Karlach: I can’t wait to say hello, but to be honest, I’m keen to visit the doctor before it gets too late. He said there’s a potential in his infirmary. A very old woman recently diagnosed with a wasting sickness. She seemed interested in what I have to offer. I’ll want to have a good long talk with her before we make an arrangement. Though if I’m being very selfish, I hope she’ll say yes. I’m absolutely famished - and think of all those memories. Player: Glad to hear. I was worried you were getting hungry. Karlach: I don’t hide it well, do I? Some things don’t change, even when everything else does. It’s funny. I’m hungry in my body, but in my soul too. That woman has lived a long life - births, deaths, love, misfortune. And if she agrees, I’ll be able to give her a dignified end, and remember it all in her honour.

Or if you go with a different option:

Player: I'm still not sure how I feel about this arrangement. Are you sure it's ethical to feed on the dying? Karlach: I'm sure of very little these days. But at least this way, I can live. And those who offer themselves to me can live on too. Births, first loves, marriages, losses - I remember them all and always will. Each memory I've consumed is of value.

It's just so interesting to me. One, her remark that she's eager to say hello but slightly more interested in chatting to a doctor about her next meal suggests that some elements of becoming a mind flayer are much harder to ignore. I imagine if she's hungry, she feels less like Karlach. (And I have thoughts, for another post, about whether she becomes "too fixated" on living when she's a mind flayer, given the cost of what it means to stay alive as a mind flayer.)

But she also says she's hungry in her soul. Her soul seems deeply interested in these memories, and I wonder if that's because memories are (or could be) part of souls themselves. Maybe the remark isn't really that deep, but she specifically connects the hunger of her soul to all the memories a long-lived woman will have. It's almost as if these memories nurture her soul, but it's unclear whether that is because it's somehow healing to see and "experience" life in ways she can't now that she's a mind flayer, or if it's because the memories have some kind of tangible effect on her soul/souls in general.

I suppose we won't know for sure. What we do know from Karlach's case, however, is that a great deal of the original soul (personality, memories, etc) seems to stick around even six months later, though there are noticeable changes in personality, such as an overall calm demeanor. There are also hints that consuming brains could lead to further changes down the road, but there's nothing really concrete. Just hints.

In the end, Karlach is still Karlach, and her soul still has plenty of elements of the original Karlach, even six months later. This is a good sign, but we can't completely ignore that her new body/mind as a mind flayer will necessarily mean some things have permanently changed. Whether you judge those changes as good or bad is up to you.

With that said, let's move on to the final and most mind-boggling case.

The Case of Gale

If you play a companion as an Origin run, the mind flayer decision typically works out the same way as Tav...unless you're playing as Gale. Gale gets some extra options at the end of the game.

This is mostly because Gale has perhaps the most apostolic soul that hangs in the balance, second only to Shadowheart, and her soul pendulum swings between Selûne and Shar. Gale, however, seems to be walking on a knife's edge trying to retain or earn back entry into Elysium, Mystra's domain in the Outer Planes. He's allegedly already been there, though not as a dead soul, so he knows what's at stake if his soul suddenly becomes non-apostolic or disappears.

In other words, Gale has a formerly Faithful apostolic soul, but he spends much of the game probably worried his soul will be judged as False when he dies (since he lost Mystra's favor) until Mystra offers her brand of forgiveness, which is essentially "if you sacrifice your own life, I'll let you into Elyisum again." It's a guarantee that he ends up in the afterlife he wants to be in. That's what Mystra's forgiveness really boils down to.

Now, this is a man who does not want to sacrifice his soul, and also (Netherese orb aside) does not want to die if his soul is going to be judged as False by Kelemvor rather than welcomed into Elysium as a Faithful soul. We know that Gale finds the Fugue Plane exceedingly depressing, so I can't imagine he has any desire to wander around it for any stretch of time, even if Mystra does eventually deign to invite him into Elysium. I'm sure the thought of becoming part of the Wall of the Faithless might as well be hell to him.

Gale: It’s a relief to be back in beautiful Faerûn. The dreariness of the Fugue Plane oppresses one’s soul so very quickly.

[mumm's note: yes my man died in service of a Tactician battle against Grym, but he got better]

It's a little surprising to see how adamantly Gale would prefer to choose the Netherese orb over letting himself or anyone he cares for become illithid. Look at some of what he says when he tries to offer the orb as an option for the final battle:

Gale: An easy proposition for the Emperor to make - 'become a mind flayer' - it has no soul to sacrifice. If it did - perhaps it would understand the weight of what it's asking of us. And why we might seek an alternative.

I couldn't get this next dialogue to trigger in my game, but in the same conversation as above you might potentially get the option to remind him about Mystra's offer to cure his orb condition, and even then he reminds you of the stakes that come with becoming a mind flayer.

Player: Mystra will cure you if we bring her the Crown of Karsus. You don't need to do this. Gale: To cure me of the orb, yes. But what of the guilt of allowing one of my friends to sacrifice their very soul and become illithid?

Now keep in mind, up to this point no one has shown any evidence that turning into a mind flayer won't actually mean the total destruction of one's soul. Up until now, the only evidence anyone has of an original soul remaining intact inside a mind flayer body is the Emperor (we have no frame of reference for who Omeluum was before he was a mind flayer), and most of the companions do not trust the Emperor one bit. So Gale genuinely thinks that becoming a mind flayer means your soul is either destroyed or changed so much that it's no longer you.

I mean, think about it. He's half expecting you to take the tadpole the Emperor offers and literally cease to exist. He's expecting to fight alongside a mind flayer who has, at best, your name and a few scraps of your memory, and at worst, no shred of you at all. Because again, up until this point in the game, none of them realize that they could become a special mind flayer who does actually retain most (if not all) of their soul, including their personality and memories.

Gale literally thinks that blowing up and going to the Fugue Plane is better than you or any companion becoming a mind flayer.

But that's in a companion run. Obviously, if you play him as an Origin, you can have him turn into a mind flayer as a different kind of ultimate sacrifice. The decision plays out the same as a Tav/Durge run or any other Origin run. But after the game ends, Gale gets unique dialogue if he (1) sacrifices himself or (2) does not sacrifice himself and goes to meet Mystra with the Crown in hand.

Any run of his sacrifice (aka, using the orb, regardless of whether or not he is illithid) results in Withers finding him in the Fugue Plane for a brief conversation. This conversation isn't much different if Gale is a mind flayer when he uses the orb, since all it does is add an extra option to their conversation that references being illithid ("One illithid for the whole of Faerûn seems like a fair trade to me," which replaces the option "One wizard for the whole of Faerûn...etc").

(An aside, I don't have an Origin Gale run so I can't test this, but I think if he ends his life on the docks as a mind flayer, the way Tav/Durge can with a knife got the stomach, then he just gets the usual Tav/Durge conversation with Withers about how his form has "something of the spirit" about him. See Part 2 if you're curious about that conversation.)

What this conversation with Withers reveals is how much control Mystra seems to have over his soul, especially if/when he's a mind flayer. If Gale decides to sacrifice himself using the Netherese Orb, Withers remarks about how surprising it is that Mystra hasn’t picked him up yet.

Withers: Who flickers there ‘twixt the shadows? Gale, who didst surrender his very self for the salvation of Faerûn. I feared I might not find thee here - that Mystra would have already plucked thy thread from the tapestry of fate. But she may wait a while yet.

It’s a little unclear if Withers uses “plucked thy thread from the tapestry of fate” to mean Gale gets to go to Elysium or something else, and it’s equally unclear whether Mystra waiting is a sign of displeasure or a sign that she is interested in sending Gale back to the Material Plane. She is capable of doing that, after all, and has frequently resurrected her Chosens, like Elminster, if it suits her.

But I highlight this conversation to show that you can get it as a mind flayer, and (if you are a mind flayer during this scene) that Mystra waiting isn't because he's a mind flayer and she can't find his soul. She waits for a minute regardless of whether he's illithid or not. But Withers is certain Mystra will be able to find Gale's soul, because he was able to find Gale's soul and recognize it as Gale.

So, not to harp on this again and again, but it's proof that turning into a mind flayer didn't destroy Gale's soul. It's still Gale's soul, even in the Fugue Plane, even if he's mind-flayer-shaped, and that soul is still capable of journeying to Elysium, should Mystra bother to find it wandering the Fugue Plane (or wherever he is).

But things are a little different if Gale decides to become a mind flayer and then goes to visit Mystra with the Crown of Karsus in hand. Keep in mind, Origin!Gale always has the option to face off against Mystra after the defeat of the Netherbrain, and this face-off is where he decides to hand over the Crown, become the god of ambition, or straight up try to fight Mystra.

However! If Gale is a mind flayer, he gets a secret fourth option.

If Gale goes to meet Mystra as an illithid with the Crown of Karsus and then gives up the Crown to her, Mystra offers to take Gale to Elysium with her. More than that, she offers to literally restore his humanity and cure him of illithidness.

Sort of.

Mystra: So, Gale of Waterdeep, you have become the inheritor of Karsus’ powers at last. What do you intend to do with them? Gale: I came to surrender them. The Crown, the Karsite Weave - take it all. Mystra: This offering cost you greatly. There is no hope in life as an illithid, devoid of soul and conscience. It is within my power to restore your soul, and your humanity, if you are willing to leave the mortal realms behind. Return with me, to Elysium.

No one else is offering this kind of deal to an Origin-turned-mind-flayer. Selûne and Shar don’t care if Shadowheart turns illithid, and Withers isn’t exactly offering to restore souls and humanity (or…mortalness?) to everyone else. This is a signifier of the sheer amount of power Mystra has, yes, but this also hints at some other things.

One, despite evidence of the contrary, Mystra is adamant that Gale-as-illithid is or would be “devoid of soul and conscience,” even though we know that that likely isn’t true (just see Karlach, Tav/Durge, etc). Perhaps Mystra is unaware that Gale is a Special Mind Flayer (seems unlikely), or perhaps she’s simply trying to convince Gale to come with her. After all, what she’s offering is still a kind of reward.

Then again, maybe Gale and/or Mystra fear the long-term effects of illithidness. Maybe over time he would become less and less like Gale, perhaps due to consuming memories, or other factors that come with being a mind flayer. Still, though, saying that his life would be "devoid of soul and conscience" seems like a massive stretch on Mystra's part.

But anyway, the reward for him turning into a mind flayer and giving her the Crown is a restoration of his humanity...but only in death.

Mystra: Return with me, to Elysium. Devnote: respectful - Gale sacrificed his humanity to achieve what she asked. If he’s willing to die on the mortal planes, she will restore his soul and body but in the heavens.

Now before I get to what happens if Gale agrees to this reward, I want to point out that Mystra herself sort of acknowledges that Gale isn't exactly devoid of soul and conscience if he refuses her offer. Here are some of the ways Gale can turn her down, with her answer to each option being the same:

Gale: [Option 1] Thank you, but no. I have someone waiting for me. Gale: [Option 2] Perhaps one day, but for now there is more I need to accomplish. Gale: [Option 3] Being an illithid has its advantages. I'm content as I am. Mystra: Then you are free to go with both my thanks and my promise - henceforth, your prayers will always be answered.

The whole idea of an apostolic soul is that it means the person is capable of worshipping a divine being, and this worship ncludes prayers. She might have said that him being illithid would mean he would be devoid of soul and conscience, but in nearly the same breath she promises to answer all his prayers. So she recognizes something of a soul within him. So why say he would be devoid of soul?

Of course, things get weird if Gale accepts her offer to be restored and go to Elyisum. If Gale agrees, then she fulfills her promise and even restores his place as one of her Chosen.

Gale: I crave nothing more. Take me to Elysium. Mystra: So be it. Gale of Waterdeep, Chosen of Mystra. Cinematic Tag: Mystra transforms Mindflayer Gale back to his human form (hollow) and grabs Gale’s hand. They return to Elysium.

This is wild to me. You see, originally when I started this project I thought I was going to be writing posts about how interesting it is that when you become a mind flayer, your soul is probably hanging out in the Fugue Plane or something, and eventually I’d suggest that Mystra is able to restore Gale’s soul to him because it’s already gone to her domain or she knows how to find it because he used to be so faithful to her. But none of that works now.

Because now I’m convinced that the Netherese tadpole changes everyone into a Special Mind Flayer whose soul is still present in their mind flayer bodies, just altered or transformed. So what’s up with this stuff from Mystra? She recognizes Gale as Gale even when he's a mind flayer and promises to answer his prayers, so clearly there's some kind of apostolic soul thing going on here. So why does she offer to "restore his soul," and also, why only in death?

She does say that she will restore Gale’s humanity, so now I assume that somehow her powers allow her to un-alter Gale’s soul so that it isn’t so illithid anymore. My idea is that she’s essentially restoring his soul to its former state and not, as we might otherwise infer, literally giving him his soul back, as if it were separate from his body. Gale’s soul is still in his mind flayer body, if all the rest of the evidence holds any water, so Mystra must have merely changed it back to the way it was.

quick picture break, this is from Northalix's video, linked below

Which makes me wonder, can a completely original, apostolic-type soul exist in an illithid body? Or does the body dictate that the soul must be somewhat illithid in order to be compatible?

Because the thing is, this deal comes with an ultimatum. She’s not going to let him go back to the mortal realms after she’s restored his soul. She probably could—she’s probably capable of doing that, if only by giving him a completely new body (she's done that before with Elminster). But she doesn’t. The cure comes with a cost. He only gets to be human again if he agrees to die completely and join her in Elysium. There is no undoing the illithid sacrifice, which seems more like a game limitation than a Mystra limitation (although we can certainly brainstorm reasons why Mystra would be so petty as to basically say "I can make you human again but only if you die completely.")

I want to point out that Mystra doesn't offer to let Gale come back to Elysium as a dead guy if he's not a mind flayer. Like, we don't get the sparkly ascension scene if he blows up with the Netherese orb, we get the Withers visit in the Fugue Plane. This Elysium offer is an illithid-only option. If he's not a mind flayer and he returns the Crown, she cures him of the Netherese Orb and sends him back. There's no option to join her in Elysium. Why is this an illithid-only option?

Also, just...I need you to watch the scene.

There's a lot that bothers me about this. One, the gestures she makes are the exact gestures God!Gale makes when he ascends Tav/Durge if they romanced him and agreed to become a god with him. Do with that what you will. But two...it just gives me the ick. This is a different kind of ascension for Gale. It's a restoration of his place in Elysium, but it ultimately means his premature death. If this is the route you take as him...it's hardly better than him sacrificing himself using the Netherese Orb without becoming a mind flayer. Only this time, we get to see the scene where he goes to Elysium, I guess.

It also massively complicates the whole idea that everyone gets to be a special mind flayer with a mostly-intact, mostly-apostolic soul. If the soul didn't change, why does Mystra need to "restore" it? And if it did change, why is Mystra the only one capable of un-changing it back to its original form (is it because he’s her Chosen and is/was so faithful)?And if such a thing is possible, why offer it and then say "but you're dead now"?

It seems as though her "fixing" Gale's soul was really just her...I don't know, separating it from his physical mind flayer body so the illithid anatomy wouldn't mess with it as much, and then dusting off his soul, which is now bodyless, and taking it with her to Elysium. I'm not saying that's what she did, but that's the weird vibes I get from this interaction. Like, there seems to be some kind of implication that you can't have a fully humanoid, apostolic soul housed within an illithid body. The soul has to be altered somehow to work with the illithid body.

So why not just give him a new body, Mystra??? Fix is soul and give him a new body! You’re absolutely capable of that!

I have so many questions.

Of course, keep in mind that Gale can reject her, obviously, and return to the mortal realms as a mind flayer. She does acknowledge that he has at least something of a soul that can pray to her so...I mean, there's that.

Anyways, what have we learned?

The Summary

With Karlach, we see that being a mind flayer does necessarily change parts of a person's personality (which, again, is part of their soul). Usually this results in a person seeming calmer, more mellow, less emotional than they normally would have been, but it does seem that for Tav/Durge, the companions, and Orpheus that turning into a mind flayer doesn't completely destroy their soul. It just seems to alter it a bit. In my opinion, the soul just becomes a tiny bit more illithid. Karlach’s case does leave us with questions about how “good” consuming and retaining so many memories might be in the long run, but as of six months post-ceremorphosis, she seems fine.

From Gale, we learn that apparently it's possible to restore or un-alter a partly-illithid soul so that it goes back to normal, but this power is extremely rare and likely relegated to the gods alone (or a particularly powerful Wish spell). We're also reminded that keeping recognizable parts of one's soul, like the personality and memories, is a huge surprise, because that's not how normal mind flayers work. We know this from Orpheus, but Gale just kinda reinforced it.

I guess we also learned that Mystra is a massive—but I should keep this civil. We all know what Mystra is.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that she's unwilling to accept Gale into her domain while he is still a mind flayer, even though his soul obviously would fit the bill based on what a soul is/does for the gods. He has a viable apostolic soul, it’s just mind-flayer-shaped!I'm sure Mystra thinks she's being magnanimous by offering him eternity as a human in Elysium, but I think it ultimately just shows how shallow she can be. Gale only gets to come back if he’s not mind flayer shaped.

And I think, deep down, Gale has always suspected that would be the case.

And on that familiar note, my friends, thank you for joining me on this excessively long deep dive into mind flayer souls and things we can learn from the game and the lore.

~*~*~

If you made it to the end, congrats! More gold stars for you!

✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨⭐️🌟⭐️✨

If you read through all three parts and also made it to the end of this one, you are the real MVP and I wish I had stickers or achievements to give you so you can be like "I survived another three-part deep dive from mumm." But I don't even have a lousy T-Shirt to offer you.

You can have this random picture instead though :> it's my Tav Dani looking very unimpressed by the Emperor's offer of sexy times (sorry not sorry Empy, she's got a man and his name is Gale and she prefers him and all her friends to be tentacle-free)

Enjoy the lore and remember that it's all up to you to decide what you want to keep or reject! I'm just showing you what's out there!

Tags for those who wanted an update! @galesdevoteewife @stuffforthestash

[qwimblenorrisstan]

Oh my god I just finished the Black Ops 6 campaign and whaaaat this game is a masterpiece

(spoilers under the cut, as well as a big rant about my favorite stuff+ theories and parallels between characters I noticed)

You’re telling me that this entire time the mole that probably got Alex Mason, Hudson, and almost Woods killed was (or implied to be) JANE?? And the reason Adler got framed for it was because Jane had convinced herself that Adler had been the one to murder her parents (even though he hadn’t been…)

I never liked Adler much because he just seemed cocky and overconfident to me, but he also wasn’t stupid judging by the billion little cassettes he left around, and the connections he had.

I also love the mentions of Alex Mason, mainly because the Black Ops 1 & 2 campaigns were the first I ever played, so that silly schizophrenic man and his kid hold a special place in my heart.

There were also sooo many hidden details. Like the puzzles in the house, where first you have to get to the boiler room and fix that, then use the black light, find hidden messages on the WALLS, play the piano in that order, go down the secret stairs, do a keypad version of wordle, hack into a computer, then solve some riddle just for 1000 bucks?? Insane.

I loved the level of detail in this game because it really felt more authentic to me. Like did you know that Adler played football in highschool (I think as a linebacker), or that he got his face scars from jumping out of a second story window face first? All just random dialogue. Or the NPC dialogue, where it’ll range from talking about “turning in for the night” to someone’s wife having a torrid affair with her husbands knowing consent?? (yes I did actually hear this dialogue in game)

Something I’m still wondering about is if the person who was talking to Case (in his head) was the devious version of Jane, because we see the voice telling Case to kill Jane in the very end, and seeming angry at Pantheon, which makes me think it might be the version of Jane that Case knew before she went evil. Another reason why I think this is because while Case is under the effect of the mystery gas and therefore the voices, we see Adler being the monster in most cases, with the dialogue even being “I knew we couldn’t trust him,” once, which I think further shows Jane’s delusion even while not fully being evil yet.

Also, the whole schizophrenic “voices in his head” seemed a whole lot like Alex Mason, too. I’m surprised Woods didn’t bring it up, especially because he even noticed Case being out of it a few times and asking if he was still with him. In Black Ops 2 we hear Woods telling David Mason (Alex’s son) that he would “notice him get that look in his eye again, like he wasn’t really there with me” and I think that’s an interesting parallel.

But, if Case survived the whole being infected by the Cradle (even though the voice told him he wasn’t affected by it earlier on in the game?) and being underneath the sea in a crashed helicopter, I wonder if Woods and the rest of his little crew would’ve figured out about it.

If you go through the house right before one of the last missions before it becomes inaccessible, you see almost every character having their own folder in their room, with Felix having one that mentions his worries about Case’s “growing instability”. Felix mentions Case’s nightmares and how he says “Pantheon” in his sleep and whatnot, even saying he might not be stable on missions after his earlier interaction with the mystery gas that made him spaz out.

I think Case even wanted to tell them, with the first dialogue option after the hallucination mission you can have with Woods is you trying to tell him, but being stopped by the voice. In the end, I think they would’ve found out anyway, probably due to something like Felix getting into old footage from Pantheon’s experiments or Case finally being able to talk about it with Jane dead.

Something I also liked was the pacing of the game. It wasn’t all just blazing guns and glory, there were moments where you had to take things slow, had to sneak around, blend in, hide bodies, and I loved the puzzle aspect. One thing I also liked was the mission where you could roam the dessert and choose your objectives.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good action mission, but something about watching Felix stir random vegetable stew while talking to me about the value of human life was nice too. There were also a few mission where I was super tense and it felt more like a horror game, and some where I was giggling.

Honestly, I just need Case to be alive, and then to fix the old house up and live happily ever after while Woods helps raise Alex Mason’s kid. I just need them to all work out their trauma together, for Felix and Sevati to either get together or become best friends, and for them to be a big happy family.

Sorry for the rant, I got a little bit excited.

[crimsonhydrangeavn]

Hey there! I'm here to simp for Garret, as usual, but I have another reason to gush today—I absolutely adore your drawing style! Whether it's the colors, the character designs, or the scenes, I just love it all. One of my favorite things, though, has to be the characters' facial expressions—they are all just beautiful!

Marcelo's surprised face? Perfect. Rita's blushing cheeks? Adorable. Camilla's entire design? Has a special place in my heart. And don't even get me started on Teagan's smile—it's so cute, it's almost unfair. But, of course, my ultimate favorite is Garret. I can't handle it when he furrows his eyebrows, whether he's pissed off or has that smug look like he's just hit the jackpot. It's all just so perfect!

Anyway, I do have a question for you—do you have any tips for creating character designs? I feel like the way your characters look perfectly matches the vibe they give off, and I'm starting to work on my own visual novel, but I'm having a hard time nailing down the character designs and I felt I could find good advice from you.

Additionally, I apologize in advance for all the fangirling and for my poor English. I hope nothing I said came across as rude or inconvenient, truly 🙏.

Thanks so much, and I hope you have a fantastic day! ❤🌻

Thank you so much for your incredibly sweet ask! Please, please, please NEVER apologize for gushing about characters for fangirling over them! It always brings a massive smile to my face and I really appreciate hearing how much you enjoy them! <3 I'm incredibly flattered that you reached out to me for advice on character creation and I'll do my best to share my process with you! Granted there are a million different ways to do things so these are just a few things that I've found that helps me in the creation process.

I'll give you a little background about me and my character/story creation journey so you can get a better understanding of my background in writing/character development.

You see I've been a huge fan of text roleplay for the majority of my life. I actually started roleplaying on gaiaonline when I was 12 and I've been doing it ever since. ( Almost 20 years at this point! damn am I old lol) As a result I've had a lot of practice creating and interacting with different kinds of characters in different settings. I've also been playing DnD on and off since high school. That being said, I've had time to refine my craft and create characters that I personally really enjoy and align with to some degree. ( And hopefully you do too!)

That being said, I'll list a few tips and tricks I've picked up over the years below!

Anatomy is key! Yes, my characters are stylized, however I spent a long time studying anatomy and getting a solid sense of proportions, ratios, and musculature. Am I perfect? Absolutely not, but I'm at the point that I can usually notice if there's a glaring error/ something looks really off.

Make sure to put all of the characters in a line up once they're designed! Are their heads the same size? What about their hands and feet? Some slight variations are natural, but if one character's head is noticeably larger than the others, then I'd take the time to adjust. The same could be said for colors. Is one character SUPER saturated while the others are more muted? Unless they're supposed to stand out, consider reworking the colors to make them feel a bit more cohesive.

A basic understanding of color theory is always a bonus in my book! I'd also consider making a general color palette for your game. That way it'll help you make sure everything looks and feels as though it's in the same world.

When I first create a character, I try to think of a general concept of what I want them to be. What's their general vibe? What do they look like? What's their personality like? Ect. Once I have a general vibe down, I try and do a bit of visual research on tiktok, pinterest, tumblr, google, ect. For example, I might have a general idea of what a typical frat bro or sorority girl looks like, but until I actually do the research and look into the kinds of things they wear, how they speak, and their general lifestyle, and real life examples of these kinds of people they'll feel like a flat caricatures of what they actually are.

Then, once I have the general vibe nailed down I start doodling them and playing around with different hairstyles, outfits, body types, ect. I actually have a few different different versions of all of the characters for Crimson Hydrangea! I rarely end up going with my first sketch/ concept when it comes to most of my characters. I also like exploring with different skin tones, colors, and textures/designs.

It takes a lot of thought and trail and error, but once I finally create a character that I'm visually happy with, I really start delving into their personality, backstories, and general psyche. What are their likes, dislikes, positive traits, and flaws? What are their motivations, fears, and traumas? How self aware are they? Then I start asking myself slightly more introspective questions to help me relate to the characters a bit more. What about this character resonates with me? How can I make this character feel more real? What are some traits that we share? For example, Garret inherited my unhealthy perfectionism, Marcelo inherited my love of food and desire to make sure those around me are happy and comfortable, Camilla inherited my sarcastic sense of humor, Rita inherited my unyielding sense of responsibility and unhealthy work-a-holic tendencies, and Teagan inherited my deep rooted insecurities. Granted most of these characters take it to a completely new level than I do in my real life, but at least on a basic level I can relate to them and understand their motivations. That being said, I don't think all of your characters need to inherit a specific trait of yours, it's just something I recently realized I tend to do on a subconscious level to help me write them with a bit more depth.

Let your characters develop a life of their own within your story. It's okay if they end up changing from your initial concept. People in real life are complex and don't always fit into a specific mold no matter how hard they try. They grow and change over time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. Do what feels right for the story you're trying to tell. For example, Garret was originally supposed to be more calculated and methodical. Marcelo was originally supposed to be a lot more laid back and go with the flow. However when I actually started writing them in specific scenarios I realized that they're far more complex than a simplified list of traits. Flaws and weaknesses make them feel so much more real than a "perfect" gary/mary stu.

When it comes to facial expressions, I usually have a small mirror on my desk to observe and reference specific expressions I'm trying to convey. In addition to using the mirror as a reference point, I also tend to make whatever face I'm drawing as I'm drawing it. It's a little silly, but I find it really helpful feeling my facial muscles recreate the same expression. It helps me figure out what the brows, eyes, and mouth are doing at the same time. It's gotten to the point of doing it subconsciously whenever I work/animate/draw. (Fortunately I usually work from home so no one has to see my weird expressions lol)

I think the final and most important tip you should take to heart is to create characters you genuinely enjoy. It'll also help you stay motivated to keep writing them and developing the story, especially early on in the creation process.

Hopefully you found my rambling helpful! It ended up being a bit more of a brain dump than I originally intended haha. That being said, I'd love to see what kind of characters and game you end up creating in the future! <3

[neverpathia]

I know you love them but I still wanna hear more of your thoughts on them,so Paranoid for the send me a character ask,please!

I think I know who you are. The one with the Gengar profile picture, aren't you? But WAHOOOOO I was quite frankly waiting for this.

really love how Oppy calls him Jitters in your tongues and teeth fic like that's so cute?? love how you write him in general i'm gonna be ngl

Now, I was gonna doodle a little Para for this ask, but the art block hit and then I just kinda moped around for a little. So instead, I guess I'll just answer this straight away because god do I have stuff to say about this little guy.

favourite thing about them

Ummm. This is a tough one. His sass. His snark. His competence. His whispery little tone. His characterization. His insanity. The way he resonates with the construct as a whole. His iconic mantra. His laugh. Him. Okay, how the fuck am I supposed to choose—

Special mention goes to his laugh in Apotheosis, though, because that made me fall head over heels in love with this little guy.

But I do also love how much of a breath of fresh air he is. He's not just scared. Paranoia is an insane thing, and it's made very clear just how far he'd go to survive and exist in spite of it all. Or perhaps because of it.

I also REALLY love his capacity for spite and resentment as I've talked about in this post here lol. He's not just a cowering little thing; he's sniping the entire way through. But at the same time, he also has so much potential for hope and recovery. There's a lot you can do with someone so batshit insane, after all.

least favourite thing about them

Now I obviously don't really have any gripes about him as a character at all, but I am a little miffed about how he's in Happily Ever After. The chapter doesn't bring much to him, and he doesn't bring much to the chapter either.

They really should've put him in PatD instead, he would've been so hot in there and it'd have been pretty interesting to see it play out. We didn't really see enough of his bad side in the game, and although I do love how much he helps us as the Long Quiet, we do have to remember that he's as vengeful as he's desperate. I wish we'd seen that used against us.

favourite line

You're expecting me to choose????? Once more????? Are you fucking kidding me?????

But I'll just settle for his iconic heart-lungs-liver-nerves mantra, because who doesn't love it. It's the most Paranoid thing in the game. It's also really hot.

Honorary mention goes to "Oh, that's right! Yeah, no. Fuck this guy." Forgot how it actually went but god. Hilarious.

brOTP

I don't know if this is surprising, but ParaCheated, or High Stakes as I like to call it.

I like to think they're akin to a very exasperated doctor and a very irresponsible patient. Like a bodyguard desperately trying to rein in a reckless ward. Cheated throws stuff at the wall. Paranoid catches it, then chucks it back at Cheated's forehead while giving him the stink eye. They're best friends. They're both unhinged.

And they have the best complain fests ever. Both of them teaching each other new swears as they bond over conspiracy theories. On the other hand, when they get into debates, you bet there's dirty looks and savage comebacks thrown everywhere. Cheated, inexplicably, loses every time.

But they do end up caring about each other a lot. Paranoid's always there for Cheated's chronic pain. Cheated's always there for Paranoid's panic attacks and anxiety. They're not perfect, but they help each other the best they can. And if you ever hurt one, the other's always waiting with a nice little quarterstaff (Paranoid's) or bayonet (Cheated's) brandished for you.

OTP

ParaHero. Just, Paranoid and Hero.

On the surface, Hero's so dependable and so trustworthy, and yet he shoulders his own burdens. The guilt of never doing the right thing; the indecision that comes with being the voice of reason. Hesitation and apprehension.

And Paranoid would know. Hero would obviously comfort his anxieties away, but Paranoid's the only one who can truly get to Hero. The only one who knows how it feels to be teetering on such a fragile string, with each decision leading to a wrong outcome. And they're the only ones they can let each other be truly vulnerable with.

They argue a lot (lighthearted and cosy) and there's so much gay tension going on. A crap ton of bickering and sarcastic banter and will-they-won't-they. Paranoid is very prickly about it, but he hides his face and blushes into his hands. Hero rolls his eyes and smiles and retorts.

But at the same time they snuggle together and they're both trying their best. Hero gives Paranoid space when he needs it but I do see them being quite touchy, with Hero being a bit of a grounding presence for Para. Hero learns his habits and his tics and shines a little light through the cracks between all his barriers.

As for Paranoid, he's always there for Hero too. He actually lets him be himself. No expectations, just a nagging little presence to bandage his wounds and prepare his supplies for the next quest. Someone who's always there no matter what. Someone who genuinely cares for the scared little voice behind the armour. The warrior and the healer. Gay.

And in the end it's not something that needs to be said. They're close. They love and want each other. One learns to trust and one learns to exist. And they won't even think about letting go.

nOTP

Paranoid x Nightmare. I know there are ways that this could work, but personally, it gets a 'nah bro' from me.

I do like the idea of Paranoid and Clarity making amends and moving on, but I just don't see them romantically in any way. I do headcanon that Paranoid feels very guilty for what Nightmare/Clarity has become, especially when he thinks about it post-construct, but I really don't think he'd actively seek her out. He's very conflicted about her in my AU.

random headcanon

Total nerd. His range of knowledge is a little strange, and he has the answers for the most random questions out there. For trusty, dependable facts, you go to Skeptic. For random tidbits of information that you're probably never gonna need anytime in your life, you go to Paranoid.

On an unrelated note, medic Paranoid my beloved...except he's also overworked, stressed about it 24/7, and frustratedly scribbling down potential ailments in a tattered notebook as two thousand different medicines and concoctions boil beside his workbenches. He multitasks too much. Also worries a lot about fucking it up, not that he'd let anyone else close to the job either way.

Also, he's grown to despise his little heart-lungs-liver-nerves chant. He still uses it when overly anxious, but it's become a symbol of what he is and what he doesn't want to be anymore.

unpopular opinion

In a post-construct AU he'd probably be doing kinda shit in the long run, assuming the other voices don't intervene enough. Oh, at first he's very helpful indeed, and then he descends into his own paranoia.

He's not just another rational fellow here to help you survive. He can genuinely get pretty insane. And his fears are quite justified in the base game because it's Slay the Princess, but take him out of a high-stakes situation and I don't think he's going to fare well.

song I associate with them

Panic Room by AuRa is kind of a given lol.

For how blorbo he is, you'd be surprised how little songs I actually think about in relation to him, but there are a few lines from Cotard's Solution that do remind me of him too. If it's a little bit off later on.

favourite image

uhhhh.

from the canon. he's a disembodied voice so

Oh but if we're talking about my favourite image in fanon I would probably settle for him.

[DIES]

PARANOIDDDD COME ON NOW, NIGHTMARE AIN'T TREATING YOU RIGHT, YOU COULD GIVE ME A CHANCE

[poppitron360]

saw your post abt epic & music theory! Are there any interesting time signatures (non-4/4), key signatures, or tempo changes in epic?

and/or something similar?

Yes!! Charybdis is actually in 5/4!!

For the normies out there, the “4” on the bottom refers to the fact that the bar is counted in Crotchets (or quarter notes if you’re American). The number on the top refers to the amount of them that there are- i.e 5/4 being five quarter notes. Most music you hear is gonna be in 4/4, but another song you might know that have 5/4 time is “tolerate it” by Taylor Swift.

Now Jorge has said many times that one of his main influences in writing Epic is videogame music. I recently watched a video about time sigs in music for nintendo games- linking that vid here (part 1, part 2)- and one thing I noticed is that the “weirder” (translation: more awesome) the time sig got, the more often it was used in a boss battle. Charybdis DEFINITELY feels like a boss battle.

“I told myself I’d never write a song in 5/4 […] And the one idea that kept coming into my head was this idea that Charybdis throws Odysseus’ balance off. The same way 5/4 initially threw my balance off.” - Jorge, in one of his videos explaining how he made Charybdis’ music. Now what’s special about 5/4 specifically, is that it’s SO CLOSE to 4/4. SO CLOSE to what our brains are accustomed to hearing, to what sounds “right” and “natural”, but it’s just that one extra note that throws us off.

At this point in the story, Ody has lost everything. He’s back after 7 years on Calypso’s island, and he’s changed. I love how with each progressing Saga the music gets darker and wilder (re: my post about Scylla being my all-time fav in Epic in terms of music production and composition). The fact that this is the only song in non-4/4 makes it stand out. It throws us off.

Also, the little intro bit to the song (before the electric guitar kicks in)- it’s hard to tell but I believe it’s in 4/4. This is showing that it’s before we meet Charybdis.

What’s interesting to me is that after Ody survives Charybdis and sees Ithica again after 20 years, his instrument switches back to his gentle nylon-string guitar, but the music doesn’t switch back to 4/4. It stays with that extra beat. Odysseus is still shaken.

Even though he’s home, he will always be looking over his shoulder at what’s behind him. He will always be flinching at every noise. He will always see the faces of the men he was responsible for in his nightmares.

It could just be that Jay didn’t wanna have to write the melody in mixed meter, but I prefer this interpretation.

In music, we often count odd time signatures in smaller chunks, which can differ depending on the way that it’s phrased (e.g 10/8 could be counted as “one two three, one two, one two, one two three” OR “one two, one two three, one two three, one two”). What’s interesting about this specific use of 5/4 is that it’s counted as “one two three, one two”. In the video I referenced earlier, Jorge explains his struggles to get a song in 5/4 to be “catchy”. The way he tackled this was to have each instrument + the vocals highlight this rhythm. So even though Ody is being thrown off by Charybdis, he is still in control.

Let’s look at how the melody in the verse reinforces this:

The first four beats of the bar are completely conjunct (moving in steps)- staying within three notes of the root note (1st note in the scale). Then on the 5th beat (the one that throws you off) goes lower than the root:

1 2 3 1 2

You be Her men

must who mes

tioned-

This solidifies the feeling of being thrown off, showing not only how Charybdis but this whole voyage has shaken Odysseus, which makes Poseidon’s appearance afterwards even more terrifying, because we as listeners are completely disorientated by this effect.

[deerseye]

Blind Man Cassidy — The greatest NPC ever created.

Blind Man Cassidy has got to be the smartest and most thought out NPC in RDR2, and I have several arguments as to why that is.

Yes, I am slightly biased given my already extreme obsession with symbolism & foreshadowing.. But honestly how can you not like Old Man Cassidy. I recently just watched a full analysis on his “fortune tellings” ( which i will link here ) & when I tell you how perfectly his readings fit.. I was pretty stunned.

There’s one quote in particular that stands out to me, and this is one I’ve already analyzed and picked apart myself — and it’s “Your whole life, sir, you have followed the wrong star.” Obviously what he’s hinting at is Dutch, given the fact Arthur was with him practically from the very beginning, but this quote can go so much deeper than that. (or I might just be going crazy bc i have an addiction to over-analyzing things). The use of the word star, though. There are plenty of other ways & words he could have used. Something to do with paths, or destiny — but he used something specific. A star.

Made out to be these beautiful things, and in poetry they’re used to represent hope & inspiration. But in reality, they’re just clumps of burning gasses. So while they may look pretty, the fact of the matter is that up close they’re nothing too special or sophisticated — rather a mess and a bunch of heat forming together to be made out as something they’re not. You see what I’m getting at here..

I might be stretching the idea out here, but the way that Old Man Cassidy phrases and constructs his words and tellings is obviously no coincidence. The writers & devs lowkey outdid themselves with this single NPC that you dont even see all that much (unless you’re really lookin for him.)

anyways. yap party. i love symbolism and game theories, i have so many ideas & opinions on rdr2 its insane. i love hearing abt other ppls theories so.. please🙏 send them my way

[brightstarblogs]

RainCode Honorifics!

First let me preface this by saying I'm not Japanese so there may be a few mistakes in this post.

I haven't seen anyone else make a post on this so I figured I'd do it myself. I've always found honorifics interesting in Japanese media and often include them in my fics. RainCode is a little different however because all characters go by their first names instead of surnames which most Japanese media typically use (since most surnames are westernized/wacky). This interested me so I wanted to do a little research!

But yeah, if you want to use honorifics in your own fics or just find Japanese linguistics interesting, I hope you enjoy this post! It has taken me 3-4 months to compile this list.

Spoilers ahead!

Yuma: Typically Yuma uses -san when referring to other characters. However there are a few exceptions to this. Yuma uses -chan to refer to Shinigami (because she asked him too) and with Kurumi. He also changes to using -kun for Desuhiko after they arrive at Aetheria Academy in chapter 2/Gum shoe gab 2 to show they're friends (but this could be to reciprocate the fact Desuhiko changed from using Rookie to My man). He does not use any honorifics for the peacekeepers (Yomi, Martina, etc) to show he doesn't respect them and Makoto (Although he will use -san when talking to Makoto). He also doesn't use honorifics on Aiko, Karen, Waruna, Yoshiko and Kurane, although he does use -san when speaking to other students in the investigation.

Shinigami: She tends to not use any honorifics and instead uses nicknames. Most notably Akuma-chan for Halara (Hellara in the dub). When she does use a character's name it is with no honorific. I did notice she uses -dono in the gum shoe gabs when saying Yuma's bond with a character has deepened. -dono is often used in writing letters/emails, but also is used in a lot of fantasy media/JRPGs. Shinigami does reference Dragon Quest in the dub so perhaps this is just her being a nerd (Special thanks too @/rararazaquato for pointing this out). If you want to know more about the nicknames she gives the NDA in Japanese, please look at this post!

Halara: They use no honorifics for any character. The only time I heard them use one was in their DLC when they use -san for their client (They do not use Tetra's name though. They say Ojo-san).

Desuhiko: He also doesn't tend use honorifics. Unlike Halara though he uses nicknames. He refers to Fubuki as Ojou, which translates as Young lady/princess. He uses -chan for Shinigami and Kurumi but also when referring to female characters like Guillaume and NPCs where he'll say neko-chan. He also calls Yuma Rookie until they arrive at Aetheria Academy, where he changes to My man for the rest of the game.

Fubuki: Uses -san for every character.

Vivia: Uses -kun for most characters. He doesn't use honorifics for Yomi or Makoto, and uses -chan for Kurumi

Yakou: Like Halara and Desuhiko, Yakou tends not to use honorifics but there are a few exceptions. He uses -chan for Fubuki and Kurumi. He also calls Seth -sensei when he was trying to deescalate the situation in chapter 1. He uses -san for Tetra, so I think he uses honorifics with clients. I don't know for certain but that's my theory.

Kurumi: Now, Kurumi tends to use -san for most characters. She used -san with Yuma when they first meet, but switches to -chan when he is in disguise in the school to help blend in. She then uses -kun from chapter 3 onwards (and once in chapter 2 when she's held by a peacekeeper, but Yuma doesn't hear her). She doesn't use honorifics with Akio, Karen, Waruna, Yoshiko, Kurane and Shachi.

Makoto: He uses a variety of honorifics. He tends not to use any for Yuma, but also does say -kun. He also uses -kun for both Yomi and Martina/Suwaro. He also uses -chan for Kurumi.

Now onto minor characters where it gets a little difficult due to screen time.

Pucci: Uses -san for Zange so maybe uses -san for other cast members.

Melami: I didn't hear her use any honorifics as she doesn't refer to others by name and tends to use nicknames.

Zange: He didn't call any character by their name so I have no idea unfortunately.

Aphex: Used nicknames so again, I am not sure.

Zilch(?)/Hitman: In chapter 1 he uses -kun for both Yuma and Aphex. He did not address the rest of the cast by name so I have no idea if he'd use -san or -kun for Pucci or Melami. Even then I don't know if that was an act as he is an imposter. He uses -sama however for Yomi in chapter 5 when you find him as a zombie.

Martina: Fun fact, she is actually called Suwaro/Swallow in the Japanese sub! I don't know why her name is changed but this was a fun surprise. She uses -sama for both Yomi and Makoto. She doesn't use names for the NDA.

Swank: He didn't use any names, but I included him because like Martina, his name was changed. Originally he was called Spank in the Japanese sub.

Yomi: Only ever called Martina by her name with no honorific.

Seth: Like most peacekeepers he calls Yomi by -sama.

Guillaume: She tends to refer to Dominic by just his name, along with Shachi. She however does use -sama for Yomi like the other peacekeepers.

Priest: Uses -san for the clock-maker

Teacher: Although this is Desuhiko, in disguise he calls Kurumi by -san.

Yoshiko: No honorifics

Kurane: No honorifics

Waruna: No honorifics

Shachi: No honorifics

Iruka: Uses -san for Yuma but no honorifics for Shachi.

Servan: Doesn't use honorifics for other resistant members, but uses -kun for Yuma

Icardi: No honorifics

Margulaw: No honorifics

Ramen man: Uses -chan for Kurumi. Not sure what he'd use for other characters.

Enyne: Before she reveals her identity she uses -san for Desuhiko

[squishedbeanios]

My theories for sg s3!!

Okay so, with whatever that went down from the full trailer (absolute cinema btw got me HOOKED) I can’t help but have a few assumptions as to what’s going to happen to our characters.

#1

For one thing, whatever the Shaman lady had said to Gihun prior to him lashing out and attempting to choke her. I’d like to think she either taunted him (using her unique way of speaking) about the failed rebellion and the death of Jungbae, or that she claims to Gihun that she senses the spirits of the dead - namely, the players that died in S1 and his now dead close friend - being massively disappointed in him in getting revenge and SOMEHOW with her shaman-like abilities, deadnames (not rlly a dead name per se BUT YGWIM) the numbers of Sangwoo and Saebyeok in the 2020 games and rubs that fact in his face. Honestly, I think another guess might be that she must have mentioned Youngil (Inho) but tells him she senses that he attracted the wrong person that ultimately led to the failure of the rebellion, and Gihun snaps which led to the choking scene. (How tragic must it be for Gihun to be proven wrong and that the Shaman lady was in fact not lying at all)

#2

Now, player 202. This scene is most likely during the ‘laser tag’ game, and emphasis on background characters usually indicates a significant role that they would play toward the main cast. In this case, I’d like to think that player 202 discovered Junhee before Myunggi (333) finds her, or even AFTER, maybe after he distracted any players so that she can escape to safety.

Seeing as to how she wore a blue vest later on (if I can recall correctly), perhaps some sort of conflict between them would happen and Junhee might have to convince him not to attack her, or she might feel resigned as she believes she won’t be able to survive. This could be a moment of ‘humanity’, where 202 might help Junhee out somehow (regardless of the colour of her vest), or a moment where Gihun or someone from the main protagonist gang somehow manages to find Junhee in time and help her win the game. I think it would be spectacle for the VIPs, especially the female VIPs this year.

I believe this could be around the time where Junhee’s water breaks and goes into labour, and catches the attention of the female VIPs instead. In turn, they might want to excuse Junhee and give her special treatment by telling Frontman to discreetly help her (knowing Inho and his principles of equality in the games, it’s highly unlikely, but to entertain the VIPs may be somewhat of a motivating factor) but again these are just speculations and I’m probably reaching too far.

The addition of female VIPs is definitely intentional by HDH, and I’m so thrilled to see if they have any motives besides watching the games as a source of entertainment. Certainly highlights the fact that cruel, merciless people of higher power come in many shapes and forms, namely gender for this context.

#3 MY FINAL AND LAST THEORY:

In the same ss in theory #2, we hear a snippet of a conversation between mystery voice and Gihun, and though it shows a scene of 202, I don’t think it was him speaking at all. If anything, I reckon that it was Daeho instead talking to Gihun, hence the disbelief in Gihun’s voice as he says “What are you doing?”, to which the unknown voice replied with “What do you think I’m doing? Playing the game.” It could be during the laser tag game where Gihun finds Daeho, and instead of trying to work with Gihun, Daeho might try to attack Gihun instead out of desperation. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but just think! They could have had a conversation about the death of Jungbae when Gihun was forced back into the dorms inside the coffin prior to this, and of course Gihun would definitely blames himself. Daeho, poor sweet man Daeho, also blames himself the most for this, but perhaps a small part of him wanted to deny that fact, to suppress the immense remorse and guilt because if he doesn’t, the cold hard facts of him not delivering the extra magazines due to his PTSD played a part of the rebellion failing.

He might have wanted to tarnish those emotions, and so he tried to take it out on Gihun, which Gihun accepts, because as we know he’s actively suicidal and wholeheartedly believes he deserved to die. This I believe throws Daeho off his decision, and maybe sacrifices himself for Gihun or even one of the main protagonists during the game. To right his wrongs, and finally have the courage to overcome his trauma in his own way. honestly I could go on and on, but these are just some of my far-fetched theories for season 3! One thing’s for certain, the season would rip my heart out to shreds and politely toss it into the gutter with all the confrontations and emotional rollercoasters it will force me to ride on. (I would relish yet despise every moment of it HAHA)