#he's been a dad since he was 5 years old and he craves the childhood he gave up for Matthew's sake so deeply

[clotpolesonly]

Call Down The Hawk ch 62 || Greywaren ch 42

[confuseddipshit]

its kinda far away from what i expected it to turn out, strayed a bit in the middle, but its here once again. as always, sorry for the lack of cut, mobile tumblr isnt that fancy. enjoy.

⚠️cw: few mentions of blood, nothing too explicit; maybe some emotional neglect? not much though. much lighter than my last poem. still have some grammar mistakes, but theyre there on purpose, i refuse to write I'm instead or im.

i had a normal childhood, you know.

used to be that one kid that get an A and stay sad for an entire week that it wasnt an A+. used books to escape from reality since i read my first letter, so the first time i read romeo and juliet, i was 5 years old. it was an old copy with some eldritch language that i couldnt quite grasp at the time, too many details passed unnoticed.

but besides the introversion and shyness that appeared out of the blue when i turned 4, it was pretty common. my parents never laid a finger in me, nor threatened to do so.

how i wish they had.

of course, i never gave them reasons to do so, but many do it without reason, let alone a good one, so sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i wasnt too tame.

if i had questioned more. had complained more. screamed and cried and asked for more. i wonder how long would it be before they had lost their temper.

pretty long, thats for sure. they were always so controlled.

i guess, thats the entire point now. the stoicism to which i was exposed since birth couldnt make much good for a child. never experiencing the bad sides means the good sides were, too, hidden; never being hit also means that i never felt desired.

see, i did feel loved sometimes. when my mom brushed my hair before school. when my dad would let me mess with his hair while he was watching the news. when theyd both hold my hands when we were walking to the market to buy some bread for dinner.

but there was a time where it all would come to an end. i couldnt feel desired when mom decided she was done brushing my hair, and i had to decide between learn how to take care of it or cut it at the age of 6. and i certainly didnt feel desired when my dad wouldnt lift and carry me anymore at the age of 8. (he couldnt for health reasons, but of course my 8 years old self could never compreehend it).

now im 19 years old. since i was 14, ive been craving something, but could never get close enough to see what it was - or i was too aware of it, and therefore too scared of not being able to hide that side of mine. i took out the blanket that hid it, some time ago, and came to the conclusion that i crave suffering.

not the emotional kind, that i have a lot. you cant go unharmed from "gifted child, parents pride and joy" to "burnt out queer young adult".

i crave the physical counterpart of it. i crave a reason, a good one, something that justifies the intense unhappyness, this indifference and apathy thats always creeping around the corners, hiding in plain sight.

i crave broken arms and black eyes, i crave bruises and crooked noses and raw knuckles. i crave a few broken teeth and a blood-red stained record in school, with a few too many fights and a few too little good grades.

i crave the disappointment and the freedom it brings when no one expects nothing else from you.

i crave intenseness and adrenaline. i crave jumpscares and fist fights, and damn right, i crave pain.

hope you liked it, all feedback is welcome, please like and reblog if you enjoyed, makes a lot of difference for the artist. tell me if i forgot some kind or trigger/content warning or tag, im kinda new to this.

-> you can request a story, if you have something in your head that you think its too weird to ask other authors, i love weirdness and will write for anyone and anything that i can read about so. pretty much every existent character :) thats it for today bye

[sokkascroptop]

Pls,,,,, the brother headcanons,,,,,,,, we crave your amazing writing -💜anon

ksajdfha;kdfj purple heart anon i haven't seen you in my ask box in so long my heart is racing

okay!!

- so three brothers, Ren (21), Haruki (18), and the unnamed little brothers from chapter two (5 or so).

and bc yes i'm this obsessive over my fic, i've created short descriptions of them as well:

- Ren is in the Fire Nation Army (per my Zuko drabble/prequel) and probably has been away from home since he was 18

- i think that he and Y/N probably frequently wrote letters to one another but haven't seen each other since he left home

- i hc that Y/N was closest with Ren, they just get on really well because he's very respectful of her as a person and treats her like the capable person that she is

- he's protective of her as well and i believe he was the only person to stand up for her when it came to her dad being mean

Ren is BIG, super tall, super built, would be absolutely terrifying if he was running at you even without firebending. He's a proficient firebender, relies on big moves/explosions, also know's how to use a sword, but not as well as Y/N

he's got a quiet and calm demeanor, but a big personality. very opposite to his outward appearance, and big himbo energy. He's really funny and you just can't not like him when you meet him.

definitely joined the Fire Nation army because he didn't know what else he could do in life, because he'd been raised like an American boy in public school, pipelined to the army.

someone one time, a long time ago, said that he dated one of Ty Lee's older sisters, and they break up but they get back together and he definitely marries her (ty lee loves the idea of being "sisters" with y/n)

- Haruki joined the Yuyan archers. He's a middle child and I hc him to be... very aggressive? with Y/N. he feels like he's constantly competing with her and Ren and he hates that they get along so well. he thinks that that is them ganging up on him or something

Haruki is like, a long, lithe, quiet looking dude. But he has the WORST temper out of the bunch. when he and Y/N are around each other–especially when they're younger–they WILL fight. I'm talking screaming matches that dissolve into physical beatdowns unless someone stops them. is this how Y/N learns to be a scrappy fighter? maybe ;)

like Y/N, he is ALSO on his dad's shit list because he joined the Yuyan archers instead of the Fire Nation army. He thought that by joining the Yuyan archers he'd be the favored son for once because they're an elite, special operations force of the Fire Nation but it did the complete opposite. basically, middle child? can't win. (also, i hc that the Yuyan archers are made up of nonbenders - or maybe that's canon i don't remember and so their dad thinks that is disgraceful for him to be one)

definitely is a great firebender, more precise than Ren but enjoyed learning archery, and that was definitely a factor in joining the Yuyan archers, while also trying to impress his dad

when he and Y/N get older though, i'm talking post war and after, he and Y/N have a better relationship because they now refuse to let their dad's influence fuel their petty rivalry. they still argue sometimes, but that's because they're both hot-heads

also lmao, idk why but he's definitely gay

- the unnamed little brother: i don't have much on him, tbh (i mean lmao he doesn't even have a name), mostly because Y/N didn't live with him for long and they only saw each other on important dates and holidays.

- like to think that he kind of has this obsession with Y/N though, like he hears stories about her from his mom and just finds her to be this mythical creature almost because "my sister is important enough to live at the palace?!!" and when she comes home from being with the gaang, he's like jumping in her arms (which probably freaks Y/N out a lot) and is all in her business trying to figure out where she was and what she did and overall is a really annoying little 5-year-old but honestly she finds it really endearing

- i also hc that he hangs out with her a lot more when she gets back and they become really close too, she's very over protective of him and when he's little she will give him piggyback rides all over the palace and take him to all the sweet shops in the city and buy him anything he wants

- he's like the sweetest little kid you'll ever meet because I fully believe that their dad wasn't around enough to corrupt him. plus their mom is more protective of him than she was of the others because he's the baby. so i don't think she would have let Y/N's dad be mean to him.

- edited to add: after the war, the three oldest siblings (and eventually Unnamed Brother joins them) establish an annual trip to their house on Ember Island, where they basically relive the best parts of their childhoods. They swim in the ocean and in hidden lagoons on the island in the morning before it gets too hot. they skimboard and do whatever the equivalent to surfing the atla universe has. they cut fruit for each other and gorge on it during the day as they doze on the porch. they train at dusk, playing the silly games they learned when they were really young (that taught them things like how to hone their firebending and sword training). every night for the week they’re there, they have a bonfire out on the beach where they sit around it and talk about their lives, they talk about stupid things they did as kids and they talk about their growing families and the frustrations of their jobs. they go to old spots they used to sneak away to when they were kids, places that haven’t been seen by a human in 12+ years. they play in tide pools and catch badgerfrogs and fireflies when it gets dark. basically they live their best years over again and again with no Father or Mother to reprimand them for wasting time or tracking mud in the house.

- of course during these week long trips, the gaang is always invited, and almost always they join for a few days or the whole week. and it’s fun for everyone, but all of them can tell that this is really for Y/N and her brothers. Unnamed Brother joins in the fun, but he can’t understand the lives the other three lived in the Before. He was born basically as they all left the nest and his life was vastly different. It’s really about them having the childhoods they missed out on for so many years.

[ms-hells-bells]

“misandry”

My birth dad was a gang member that treated my mother horrifically. Mum left him when she was pregnant with me and he was in prison. He demanded visitation rights, visited my brother and I a total of three times from when I was 1-6, and then never bothered again. Never paid a cent in child support. Was in and out of jail, sending my mother death threats yearly, tried to get partial custody WHILE IN JAIL when I was 15, and was murdered by a rival gang member when I was 17. Good fucking riddance.

She met my stepdad when she was 20 and he was 30 (I was 6 months, my brother was nearly 2 years). He was horrifically abusive, kept her a secret for 2 years, his workmates didn't even know he had a girlfriend and two step kids and a son (born when she was 22). Cheated on her throughout the relationship. Beat her in front of us. I remember being 5 and trying to put my tiny body between her and him after he hit her and after he left the room we hugged and cried together. No longer hits her (funnily enough it stopped when my brothers hit puberty), but continues to verbally, psychologically, and financially abuse her. She's still with him because she has her toddler 5th child and has no higher education, is completely dependent. He also emotionally abused me and acted sexually creepy when I hit puberty. I do not talk to him.

My older brother might have NPD like my birth dad was diagnosed with. He tormented me through childhood by demeaning me, looking down on me, interrupting me, treating me like I was stupid, arguing with me for no reason, and essentially making me feel worthless. I do not talk to him.

My younger brother did the same, but less "sophisticated". Like my stepdad, he'd wind me up with a smile until I broke down crying and laugh at me when I was upset. He also would use any device he got his hands on to watch porn and once I caught him watching me undress. I do not talk to him.

My school years were fraught with severe bullying by boys to the point where I became suicidal from 8-16 and was nearly homeschooled. They were unbearable. Male teachers also looked down on me and I resented it greatly. I do not talk to any of them.

My first sexual relationship was with a 28 year old man when I was 18. I met him online, we were friends talking every day for a year, he came to visit me, we had sex. I thought I was in love with him, but I just wanted to be loved. I knew it was sick and wrong the entire time but I desperately craved affection. I gained the strength to cut him off after he revealed his misogynistic and pedophilic (of course he was a pedo, he went after as young as he legally could) views. I do not talk to him.

I was groomed by multiple men online, but luckily I got involved in radical feminism when I was 14, so although I still got sucked in to some of it, I avoided the worst of it and came out mostly healthy and healing.

My mother was sexually abused by her brother, my stepdad was sexually abused by his uncle, my stepdad's dad and step dad are both terrible people, god knows whether my maternal grandfather is, all my highschool friend's boyfriends were abusive, every male housemate I've had range from inconsiderate to outright shitty, the list goes on.

Basically, every single male linked to me in my life since birth has been shitty. How the fuck am I meant to have any trust for any man ever? Misandry is just the female survival response to trauma and ever present danger.

[zuzu-hotman]

Ready To Love P.6 [[Zuko]]

Pairing: Zuko x Female!Reader

Warnings: The usuallll as well as mentions of death and darkish themes??

A/N: this is late and shitty im sorrryyyy

Pt.1,, Pt.5,, Masterlist

“....”

“What were you expecting him to return and sweep you away? Foolish.”, her words cut deeper than they ever had. Hitting the rusted old nail directly on it’s head.

Azula never much cared to talk to you. Not when he was here and not even when he had been banished, as he was now. However when she did speak to you, it was always when she knew she would inflict the most pain.

When she knew she could gut you so deep, it would haunt you for years to come.

She laughed as she looked down upon you. It was not a happy sound. Nothing like her older sibling, who had always laughed with joy in his heart, when he had it. Hers was cruel- meant to make you seethe. She had the gall to laugh in your face after telling you the ‘news’. You were sadly hoping for good news. You knew Azula was like this- you had always known she was not good. You just didn’t know her well enough to really determine if it was fully true.

Lesson learned.

“Oh, don’t cry now. Not when I haven’t gotten to have my fun yet! I’ve been absolutely dying for a chance to get rid of you! You see, you get in my dear friend Mai’s way!”, she gives you an eerie smile, “It’s only fitting that I, one of her dearest friends, takes care of the issue!”

She talks as if she’s doing some sort of favor. Like she’s doing something absolutely necessary. Your tears sliding down our face don’t stop her at all. She acts as if they aren’t there. She acts as if she hasn’t just told you your father was killed for his ‘crimes’.Killed for being an Earth Bender from the Earth Kingdoms. For being who he was.

For not being Fire Nation.

“You see, my Dad doesn’t care to do multiple executions in a day. Takes up too much time. You and your Mother are granted a sliver of mercy. You two are to leave immediately. Now, if you dare step foot in this land again, there will be no mercy, understand?”, she gives you a wide grin. “No more living here and no more Zuzu for you. See, I could have had you killed but since you’ve done nothing to me personally, I’ll be nice this once.”

That had made you snap, “Nice. Nice? You call that being nice?!”

Her face turns sour, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me! You just told me my father was killed- you made no attempt to try and stop it! You come in my home and you tease me and laugh like you didn’t have a hand in his death! How did you even know who he was!”, you can feel yourself shaking. Can feel your deepest secret threatening to rise up within you. He’d told you to hide it while you were here, to never use it. How would you escape if you did? So close to the heart of the royal grounds?

“Hah. Your dad was a fool. Using his bending on palace grounds. He put up a real fight, but he was clearly outnumbered and outmatched. As all Earth fools are.”

She wasn’t going to tell you. That much was clear.

You tried to hold back, you really did. Azula just had a knack for bringing out the worst in people. You’re not proud of what you did. Yet you don’t regret it. The look on her face was priceless.

Perhaps you hadn’t actually beaten her, but it was as close as you’d ever get. Still, she always had the last word.

“He’ll never like you. You’ll be sad all your miserable life! You’re a fake! A liar! You never belonged here! Useless Earth peasant!”

So then what was this? You were certain she was right, despite how your heart had hoped. You were sure you’d see him with Mai- or with some other pretty Fire Nation girl. Someone other than you. You had especially believed this when he looked at you like that back underground in Ba Sing Se. He had finally seen you then. Who you were and where you came from. His actions at that time had you thinking he’d never see you as anything ever again.

Sure, you were wrong. He had wanted his friend back. You just didn’t know he’d want more. Much more.

Unfortunately, he took your stunned silence the wrong way. The hurt look in his face broke your heart for the split second he allowed you to see it.

“Right.”, he had said, “I’m sorry I- we should get ready to leave.”

He didn’t give you a chance to try to pull him back. Not that your mind gave you one either. You were still reeling, even now, sitting in Appa’s saddle, staring up at the passing clouds. Him? Love you? Since when?

How?

What was it that he loved about you- though couldn’t you ask yourself the same?

You had an answer though. Multiple answers, ranging from the way he smiled to the way he never saw you as just some lowly peasant. New ones being added like how he loved his Uncle and valued what he thought of him. How he’d proved his will and determination to change, to admit everything he was taught back in his own home was wrong. To make the choice himself to leave everything behind and do what was right, despite the massive hatred he had gained from his own flesh and blood.

His strength, no matter how it may have wavered.

Just him in general.

You should be on cloud nine right now- you should be feeling so light, so why weren’t you? What was holding you back?

“You think he’ll ever want you around anymore once he knows? It’s not your being an Earth Bender. It’s your lies. It’s you never telling him, or, oh.. not trusting him. Poor Zuzu..”

Her words still echoed to this day. Unfortunately, she still haunted you. From her smile as she shattered your life as you knew it, to the same one she wore when she saw Zuko react to you that day.

You couldn’t let her hold you back all your life, otherwise her lies would become truths. Zuko wouldn’t lie about something like that. He wasn’t Azula. You couldn’t compare the two.

The only comparison was the often bad timing. The difference was, Azula’s timing was bad because she was not on their side of things. She was an inconvenience. Zuko had no sense of time. A war was ahead of him. The world was on the verge of combusting as he knew it. There was no right time.

You could agree with him. Tomorrow was not guaranteed. A future was not promised, only hoped for.

So, as you moved your gaze to the back of his head in front of you, you made up your mind.

Words were not wasted in asking him to follow you that night. You didn’t care that you had just grabbed him from his conversation with Aang. Didn't think to respond to the look of shock on either of their faces as you took him by the arm and dragged him away. You also didn’t think of how it might be perceived on his end.

Zuko was sure you were going to chew him out. He followed you, matching your urgency with dread in the pit of his stomach. Had he crossed a line that night? Were you mad now? He hadn’t meant to upset you- he wasn’t lying. He had thought about it over and over and over again. He came to that conclusion after asking himself hundreds upon thousands of questions.

Why had he missed you so much? What was it about your laughter that he craved? Why did he enjoy clasping your hand in his? What was the reason for him always thinking of you when he was welcomed back home? Thinking of where he would take you and what he would show you? Now that you were both older and he had more freedom?

How come his heart cried for you when you told him the loss of your beloved father? What made his heart ache at you having to harbor a life threatening secret all on your own- being unable to tell him even when your life was once secure?

What was it about you?

The answer was not being his childhood friend. It was just being you. Being the best escape from his life at home. Being his definition of home. He’d been lost without you. Sad and hurt and unable to grasp why aside from his banishment and the brutal punishment from his own father. You were in his very bones and soul. He could live with you just as his friend if that’s what you wanted. He just couldn’t live with not telling you. Couldn’t go on thinking he might die and never get to tell you how he felt and how horribly sorry he was for everything.

Sorry you had to meet him and be hurt by him. Sorry his own Nation was the way it was. So very sorry he loved you so deeply despite being so young and new to such feelings.

“Do you truly mean what you said?”, you say after some fast marching into a quiet and far off area of the beach. 

A few waves crashed here and there as he stared into your eyes, searching for something, anything to make sense of this.The salty air filled his lungs, mingling in with your own soft scent.

“Answer me.”, you say, impatient.

“Wh- of course I- why are you asking? I apologized- I shouldn’t have-”

“I’m not asking for an apology. I want a serious straight answer. Did you mean that?”

You looked determined and he’s not sure what for. Regardless, he braces himself for a smack to the face, “I did.”

You stare at him, unmoving for a few long beats of silence. “Okay.”

“...Okay?”

You nod, “Okay.”

Zuko is thoroughly confused. Okay what? What was this all about? Were you mad or not- he sees you raise your hands up quickly. He wonders if you’re going to hit him or bend at him- maybe shake the hell out of him. He probably deserved it, but you didn’t do that.

You reached up, held his face so softly in his face. The softest caress he’d ever felt in his life. Your small smile matched it perfectly.

“You just don’t learn do you?”

He couldn’t even question what you meant. He wasn’t given the time or even a chance. In a split second you had him swirling. Quicker than he could see, your lips were on his. Gentle as ever, capturing his in the sweetest way..

“ Yᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ᴏɴᴇʟʏ ᴡᴀs ᴀ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ..”

Pt.7

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get -  Chapter Two: Fairfield

Summary: Y/N Fairfield has spent the last 10 years pushing past all the hurt and putting all her focus into her career. A familiar face back in town threatens the peace she found. [prompt: Small Town Lovers AU]

Part: 2/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (AU)

Warnings: at a hospital, mentions of death and abandonment

Word count: 3,198

A/N: It’s been a wild week but here it is, chapter two! Enjoy! Special thanks to @wxntersoldiers​ for beta reading.

~

“Y/N? You think you could pick up my shift tonight? Missy is running a fever and I can’t get ahold of my mother to come take care of her.” Holding the phone away from her face Y/N sighed heavily as she rolled out of bed.

“Of course Dawn, just call in for me and tell them I’m on my way would ya? Thanks, it’s no biggie. I’m happy to help, let me know how Missy is doing later.” Hanging up the phone she’s up and changing in a flash, quickly moving across her apartment and back. 

Within 6 minutes she’s in her scrubs and locking her apartment door, rushing down the stairs and out the front in another 3. She slides into the driver's seat, buckles in, and on the road to the highway in record time. 

This was becoming a routine every week, someone would have an emergency and she’d be asked to pick up the slack. Her regular shifts at the ER in town kept her busy through the day, but her Thursday or Friday nights were often filled up by favors and desperate calls. She had a limit though, each person could only ask her one favor a month and she would cover one emergency. But when the emergencies came she could tell when they were real or just another masked favor. So by now the only emergency usually came from a mother whose kid was hurt or sick. 

Pulling into the employee parking lot, she exited her car and speed walked into the building, making her way to the sign in at the station. She prayed this would be a tame night and that Dawn didn’t have any difficult new patients because she was far too tired to argue about something that she was more of an expert on. 

Covering for Dawn was usually not too bad, most of her patients typically being older and gentle folk who treated her like a loving grandkid. Always gave her some nickname, rarely ever calling her nurse or even her name. All of which was fine by her.

Being a nurse hadn’t always come easy for her, remembering all the medications, the proper doses, the schedules, and how to do every aspect of her job was a lot to take in. But the moments in which she connected with a patient were the reason she got into the specific role in the medical field. Well that and her father.

Most of her family had joined the field, all three of her brothers had either become paramedics or a physical therapist. Her mother was the chief physician at the ER in Brightbarrow and her father was a private care nurse typically working with elderly or terminal members of the town. On a few occasions he had brought her along to see his patients, acting as a distraction for those who were living with severe pain. Through these visits in her childhood she began to realize how she enjoyed helping people who were hurting, and giving them a sense of peace for a little while.

One college degree later and she was back in town applying to work in the ER, her scheduled shifts hardly ever including weekends unless someone needed a cover and she was the only one who could spare the time. Her work there was routine, but here at this hospital outside town? She had found some gentle souls that brightened her day.

“Oh my, is that you Sunshine?” Claudia was sitting up in the hospital bed, remote in her hand to flip through the limited channels. “What a lovely surprise.”

“How are we tonight? Take our medicine okay today?” Claudia smirks and nods, the crinkles in the corners of her eyes forming as a flicker of mischief shines in her eyes. “Mhhmm.”

“I have somethin’ for ya sunshine. Made it yesterday when they let me do some crafts.” Claudia reaches to the table rolled off to the side of her bed and picks up a bracelet with rainbow thread. Y/N walks over to the woman and allows her to gently tie off the multicolored bracelet around her wrist. “There, perfect size.”

“Thank you Claudia, that’s awfully kind of you.” A smile is shared between the two before Y/N motions for her to hand over the remote. “Now how about we shut this off and I read you a little something so you can doze off, sound good?”

“Only if it's that one you told me about, the one with the little guys.” Y/N chuckled at the description but nodded in agreement nonetheless as she powered down the television and left to get her novel. 

“Alright get comfy now.” She waited for Claudia to adjust her bed and helped her with the pillows before cracking open the small book and beginning the tale. “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.”

“Ah that’s what they were, that’s right. Hobbits.”

At the end of her shift Y/N was exhausted and ready for bed, doing her best to keep wide awake on her drive back by playing her dad’s favorite rock station. Thankfully it did the trick and she made it into town without issue, turning down the volume and switching stations as she made her way through the town like she’d done a million times before.

Turning onto her street she was perplexed to notice a man walking the sidewalks this late in the night, his movements slow and steady. The closer she got to him the sooner she realized she knew exactly who the man was and she had some theories about what was keeping him up so late. Pulling to the side of the road she exited her car, slamming the door shut behind her before glancing up to meet the gaze of a man she hadn’t seen in ages.

Bucky Barnes stood across the street staring at her like he’d seen a ghost, his features painted with something along the lines of guilt or sorrow. The man was frozen in place by her, his eyes watching as she raised a sleepy hand to wave at her old friend. To her surprise he waved back and yet he didn’t move a muscle as she turned away from him to head to bed. 

The next morning she woke late, the Saturday sun shining through the cracks of her blinds stirring her from her sleep. Her stomach grumbled, craving some of Winifred Barnes’ cooking ASAP. Instead of driving she opted to walk over there, let the sun and the exercise wake her a little more.

Winnie’s Diner was the town staple, the place that every person went at least a few times a week. It was the kind of business that had become the heart of the town, the comfort and hospitality center. If you wanted to get a feel for the town you didn’t have to look any further than this diner, it was where Y/N had gotten her first job. She had one of her first dates in a corner booth and had been stood up in another. This building was a hub of memories, good and bad.

“Hey Y/N! Have a seat. I'll be right with you girl.” Becca was zooming around the place in a graceful hurry, placing plates and clearing tables as she went. “What can I get ya?”

“A coffee, a biscuit, some bacon, and an update. Please.” She watched as her best friend shook her head with a reluctant nod before dropping off the order. 

Once the coffee was poured she told her brother she was taking her 15 and slid into the other half of the booth. Y/N sat patiently, prepping her coffee as she waited for Becca to collect her thoughts.

“He’s back for good, got a job working for Thomas Geldin constructing those new homes over by your parent’s house.” Sipping her coffee Y/N did her best not to allow her emotions to betray her. 

“What changed?” 

“Not sure. He seems different, like his load is heavier. Almost like he was when Daddy died, just emotionally cut off and distant. But he is making an effort to get closer and he comes in here every day for his lunch break. Which is in a few minutes now.” Y/N coughed, nearly choking on her coffee as her eyes went wide. 

“Sneak.”

“Hey don’t look at me, you two just are fated to dine at the same time.” Becca smirks before rushing off to grab something to eat before her break ends. 

She hadn’t actually spoken a word to Bucky since he came back to town, and yet he suddenly lived across the street and worked by her old home. Now he would be here within minutes and she would once more feel compelled to initiate conversation, but she wouldn’t let herself. If he wanted to talk he would approach her, not the other way around. 

He arrived the same time her food did, his eyes scanning the room to presumably locate his sister but freezing on Y/N who sat before her. A mixture of emotions flashed across his features rapidly before settling on a guilt ridden expression. Bucky approached the booth, his sister pausing to greet him and casting a wink over her shoulder before speeding away. Standing before the booth he shifted his weight nervously as he seemed at a loss for what to say. His eyes are no longer able to maintain contact and he casts them to the empty seat.

Don’t invite him. Don’t invite him. It took all her strength to refrain from being polite, her eyes never leaving him as her gaze intensified.

“Mind if I join you?” Her heart dropped, she was expecting a simple hello or quick apology and not a full on meal with the guy. She nodded her head, refusing to take the bait just yet as he slid into the booth.

“Here’s your usual James.” Becca slid a plate with a steak and cheese melt and fries onto the table before rushing off again. She was pushing him, Y/N knew that his mother and the older townspeople were the only ones who used his actual name. To everyone else he was Bucky. 

“I’m sorry about not keeping in touch, there’s been a lot that I had to work through the past 10 years.” God she could hardly believe it had been that long since he left, an entire decade had passed by without him. “Can we start again?”

Once more she had to use all her might to restrain herself from instantly agreeing and forgiving what he had done. She didn’t understand why he cut her off so quickly and completely, their friendship wilting through high school and fading in the decade following. But she knew why he had become so emotionally reserved, after watching his father wither away slowly and gradually lose the ability to even function Bucky had begun to close himself off from everyone. He smiled less, got into more trouble with other kids, and barely made it enough to enlist. 

Sure she had missed him dearly and knew he had suffered greatly, probably even worse after his service, but she couldn’t risk getting too quickly attached again. Not when she knew how much his leaving her behind tore her apart. 

“I’ll have to think about it.” She could see her words striking a nerve within him, his appetite diminishing. “But I’d like to.”

His eyes snap up to meet hers, relief flooding them as he gazes at her fondly. Y/N wanted desperately to forget it all but she knew that proceeding with caution was the best course of action. She would let him have the opportunity to rectify his past mistakes, but it was up to him to take it.

“City noise or quiet town?” He knit his brow and gave her a perplexed look before taking a bite of a fry. “Pick one.”

“I’m not sure I have a preference anymore.”

“But you had one.”

“City noise.” She shook her head with a small smile, curiosity overtaking her careful approach. “Drowned everything out.”

“Patty’s coffee or city coffee?”

“Patty will forever have the world’s best coffee. No one in New York believed me, kept saying European coffee was where it was at.” 

“I’m going to move on before I get so offended I bring her coffee to New York.” Bucky laughed lightly, eyes crinkling shut as he shook his head at her. The sound warmed her heart and she could already tell this was going to be hard not to fall into. 

His break eventually comes close to an end and he has to rush back to work but leaves a napkin with his phone number behind. She shook her head at the gesture, he knew full well that she and Becca were very close friends and she could have gotten his number from his sister. One point to him for ensuring she had it. 

Becca was off at 3 so Y/N spent her time walking around the book shop, glancing at summaries and running her fingers over the spines. Her mind was far too crowded to pick anything out, focused on how she was going to make it through this renewal of friendship after so much pain. This place usually put her at ease, the sight of the full shelves and atmosphere calming her active mind. But today her mind had won and so she wandered around town until she had nowhere else to go but home. 

A knock sounded on her door an hour or two later and an exhausted Becca made her way inside to fall onto the couch and groan dramatically.

“I take it we’re getting pizza from Toni’s tonight?” This catches the attention of her best friend who suddenly perks right up.

“And wine.” Y/N opens her fridge door and pulls out a bottle, holding it up for Becca to see and receives a nod of approval.

“Pull up netflix and I’ll order the pizza.”

Several glasses of wine and pieces of pizza later the two are sitting on the floor going through a shoebox full of old memories. Memories of their friendship. 

“Oh remember this?” Becca holds up two ticket stubs, one to their high school dance and the other to see a Panic! concert. 

“We showed up in full formal wear, not thinking to pack another outfit to change into.” Y/N dug in the box and produced a photo of the two from that night, Panic! at the Disco tour shirts over their dresses. “I can’t believe we didn’t get caught until your mom saw the shirt in your laundry.”

“Almost the perfect crime. Kind of dumb of us to pay the money for the ticket when we never even went to the dance though.” The two fell into a fit of giggles and struggled to compose themselves. “We were not the best planners apparently.”

“Are you kidding? The College Bar Crawl fiasco?” 

“Oh Jesus, yeah we really should have thought through where we were going to end up staying the night. Next time we do something, we need a fully thought out plan.” 

“Agreed. It’s too dangerous for us to do any less. We might end up in Europe and somehow married.” Becca falls flat on her back as laughter bubbles through her, her head turning and spotting another box under the bed.

“What is this?” She slides the box out and removes the lid before Y/N can stop her, her fingers gingerly sifting through the contents as a smile tugs at her lips. “Oh, you’re a sentimental sap.”

“Gee thanks.” 

Inside were pictures of her, Bucky, and Steve throughout the few years they were all together. She instantly gravitated toward them when she moved to town at 8, sick of being the new girl and ready to settle into a place. They stuck up for her when she was mocked by some older kids, Bucky and Steve became her dearest friends in only a few years. 

There were more photos of her and Steve together, seeing as he was the only one out of the two boys to keep her in his life. Pictures of them at his prom, no girl seemed to see past his physical change and so he invited her. She remembered how her parents felt about that night, so proud of who they thought she was choosing to be with. A boy who was going to college, who had aspirations but remained loyal to his town. One with a kind heart and a gentle soul. She knew what they expected from the night, but they never understood that she and Steve were simply good friends and nothing more.

The photos of her and Bucky begin to dwindle around when she was 13, the year after his father died. Slowly Bucky grew apart from her and Steve, more the former than the latter. Something after her birthday party that year changed everything and she began to lose him piece by piece until he finally enlisted and left altogether. 

She held a photo of the two of them between her fingers, eyes tearing up at the sight of their smiles. It was the day of her party, when she could still make him smile and forget about his troubles even if just for a moment. Bucky had both arms around her torso, his head resting on her shoulder and a bright smile on his face. Her cheek was against his face, hands and arms resting on his forearms with a dopey big smile stretched across her face. 

“I swear I could kill that boy for what he did. I get losing touch while overseas, but cutting you out of his life while still in the same small town? That’s just cruel.” Becca sighed and took the photo from Y/N’s hands, placing everything back in the boxes before sliding both back under. “And to think I used to believe he liked you.”

“That would have made things worse.” 

“C’mon let’s forget about that punk and eat some chocolate.” Y/N leaned into Becca as she was held by her, sighing deeply. “You’ll always have me, and Steve. That boy would rather dive face first out of an airplane than ditch a friend.” 

“Ain’t that the truth.”

After Becca left Y/N spent some time cleaning up after their roller-coaster of a night. Her body was tired but her mind was far too active to rest. Thoughts of what she lost sticking in her brain as she watched out the window as Bucky exited his townhouse and began to walk aimlessly in the night. She almost wanted to join him, not speaking just walking.

Instead she readied herself for bed, lying under the covers and staring out the window at the stars. Her mind traveled to something Bucky once told her about his dad and how if he found the North Star then he would never be alone, because someone else was always looking too. 

And she knew exactly who that was.

~

Tags: @asphalt-cocktail​ @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @gstran18​

[purplesurveys]

755

Was your childhood wasted by something? It was wasted by the fact that I had to grow up faster than all the other kids so even though I kept up with all the trends, had all the cool toys, and knew which shows to watch, I still spent a great chunk of my childhood silently stressing out about stuff happening at home. Would you rather die during an adventure or die like a normal person? LOL ‘like a normal person.’ I’d want to pass harmlessly, which I guess is under normal. I’d hate to be killed by something that was meant to be an adventure, like skydiving gone wrong or falling off a cliff. Those would hurt exponentially more too, so no thanks. Have your parents ever put you on a diet? No, I’ve never had to be on one.

Have your parents ever tried to commit suicide? [trigger warning] No but one time my mom had a strange breakdown and verbally threatened me and my dad that she was going to do it. It remains one of the weirdest, eeriest few seconds of my life and I don’t really like thinking about it. Do you have a gag reflex? I don’t know, but I probably do. I haven’t...tested it lmao. Do you ever fantasize about trying drugs? No, fantasize is a loaded term. I think about the possibility sometimes, but I’m not obsessed with the idea of acquiring weed or anything like that. Have you ever put gum in someone's hair? Nope. That’s a hilarious prank to do to someone being shitty though, hah. Would you rather have sex before you're married or wait till marriage? I can be eitiher, I’m not picky about this kind of stuff. I've been having sex in my current relationship. Have you ever not gone to school, just because? I only did this in high school because my former school had events that I found irrelevant and that I didn’t want to go to. In college, if I wanted to cut an entire day’s worth of classes I had to have a very good reason why. Do you know anyone who can play the bagpipes? No, but lol this question reminded me of the Friends episode where Ross learned the bagpipes to play for Monica and Chandler’s wedding. Have you ever let someone hit you? [trigger warning] No. In the few times my mom put her hands on me I was always in the fetal position to protect myself. Do you own a hand warmer? A what? I’ve never heard of that but we don’t really need that here. Do you have friends in other states/countries? Used to. When I was in different fandoms throughout my teenage years I gained friends from North and South America and Europe; I also have Filipino friends from grade school and high school who’ve migrated to the US and Canada. As for locally, I do have tons of friends who came from different provinces/islands. My school has a very diverse community and we have students from all 81 provinces, probably. Do you ever pay attention during church? No, unless the priest says something ridiculous then I start listening to see how even more stupid his homily gets. Otherwise I’m daydreaming, fantasizing, and imagining for that whole hour. Do you have self control? Funny you should mention this while the song playing on my Spotify is Hayley Williams’ Sudden Desire which is precisely about self-control, hahaha. Anyway, it depends on the situation and how desperate I am for something. My self-control is probably the worst when it comes to food though; I’ll always end up picking up whatever I’m craving no matter how late it is, how far the restaurant is, or how much money I have left. Have you ever broke a window? Nope. When was the last time you freaked someone out? Idk maybe this afternoon when I was playing with my dog and squishing him and talking to him in all sorts of voices lolol he always looks so freaked out when I do it to him. Have you ever gone on a date with a weirdo? No. I don’t really do dates. Who's the last person you called a bitch? I’ve never called anyone a bitch directly, but I did call my mom that when she was out of earshot yesterday. Do you drink kool-aid? I don’t. Have you ever dropped something hot on your foot? No. I’d hate for that to happen, I’m scared of getting burned. Do you watch porn? Less than before, but yeah I do; though a big reason why I watch it less these days is because the government blocked a whole chunk of porn sites off of our internet networks at the start of the year haha. The content in the remaining sites aren’t as impressive as the ones I was used to, so I stopped watching. Have you ever missed someone you hated? Sometimes I’ll miss the good times I have with Athenna, but I just have to remember that her attitude never improved in college and I’ve heard other people call her weird so I’m guessing she still acts shittily. Is anyone in your family disabled? Yes, I have an aunt with Down syndrome. What do you want for Christmas? That’s a long time from now. It depends on what I need by December. How many moles do you have? I don’t know if I have some that I’ve never seen yet but I’m aware of 5 that I have. Do you make your bed everyday? Yes. It’s much more relaxing to come back to a neat bed after a long day. Do you know how to ride a bike? :( No I don’t. My dad is super encouraging though and will always cheer me on to try getting on a bike again every now and then. Do you own any comic books? I own a couple, from back when I wanted to get into comic books because my favorite wrestlers CM Punk and AJ Lee were both comic book nerds. I tried so hard to like them, but at the end of the day it just wasn’t my thing. What is the nastiest dare you have ever committed? Probably the time I dropped my siomai on the ground and a friend or two told me to eat it while the rest of my friends told me not to. I went with the unpopular opinion and put the siomai in my mouth only to feel the small dirt/rocks that have gotten on it, so I promptly spat it out haha. Do you know anyone who has been raped? I don’t think so. Are you an atheist? Yes.

Have you ever owned a goldfish? Yes, I had several of them as my first pets. Our old house was very crowded and chaotic and definitely not conducive to bigger pets, so my parents would get me fish so I can practice having pets.

Who was the last person to call you beautiful? Gabie, I think. How many times have you been stung by a bee? Zero. I run away from bees when I see one. What was the last flavor of gum you chewed? Spearmint, I think? That’s always the kind JM brings to school and I usually ask him for a piece of gum. When was the last time you used tape? February. My org was hosting an orientation for interested applicants in the college auditorium, so we posted arrows all over the building so guests would know where to go. When was the last time you said fuck? Ooh I’m not so sure. Probably last night when I had a video call with Gabie since I curse around her the most.

Have you ever stolen something? A pen or five, yep. What's the last movie you watched? Two for the Road. Who's the last person you watched a movie with? Just myself. But the last time I did see a movie with someone, it was with Gabie. Where were you yesterday at 5 PM? I was in the dining area, probably. Who would you like to kiss right now? MY GIRLFRIEND

When was the last time you had tic tacs? Ages ago. I don’t get to have it a lot. When was the last time you ate chicken? We had wings for dinner two nights ago. Who was the last person you told to 'Shut the fuck up' to? Probs Gabie, in a joking manner. Why were you last nervous? My parents were fighting last night and I heard some banging upstairs. Whose pants did you last take off? Again, my girlfriend’s. When was the last time you were disturbed? Also last night hearing that ^ Why did you last feel awkward? Been a while since I’ve had a reason to feel that way. When was the last time you got in a fight with your best friend? With Gabie, two nights ago. I haven’t had a fight with Angela in over a decade. Have you ever asked someone for a tampon? Nope, because I don’t use them. Who was the last person you read a book to? I don’t read books to anyone. Who is the person you say the most naughtiest things to? Hahahahaha. Dirty talk isn’t my thing but the last time was Gabie, probs three years ago when I tried it for the last time and still didn’t dig it. Who was the last person to send you a letter? I forgot the last person to greet me on my birthday... I think it was Patrice. How do you feel about war? Not a fan. Do you like cupcakes or muffins more? Cupcakes. Have you ever pushed someone on purpose? Just my siblings when we were younger. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? My brother, after he slapped me first. This was shortly before I stopped talking to him completely.

[cruezins]

       ☣  ;  (  KIM TAEHYUNG  ,  24  ,  HE/HIM  )  coming up next on rebel radio is OPAUL by FREDDIE DREDD  .  this tune goes out to SIWON RYU  .  rumor has it they just rolled into town and are fightin’ for the GHOULS  .  they’re AFFABLE  ,  INQUISITIVE but also AIMLESS  ,  MERCURIAL so watch your backs out there  .  we wish them the best of luck here in our golded city of light  .  stay vigilant  ,  stay dirty rock ‘n rollers and we’ll catch you for the next one  .

𝐎𝐎𝐂  :  hello  !  i’m deni and i don’t know what editing is  .  i use she/her pronouns and live in the gmt+9 timezone  .   i’m terrible with ooc chats and half the time just want to vibe a connection or plot idea  ,  so please don’t hesitate to throw a half-formed thought at me because i swear i’ll do the same  .  my discord is gay fairy#6371  .  anyway  ,  here is siwon  ,  someone i’ve been work-shopping for a while  !  looking forward to writing with you  ♡

                     ☣  ;  𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐇  .

cw  :  drug mentions  ;  stop me if you’ve heard this one before------

       his dad’s a junkie and he hasn’t seen his mom since some fatcats bought their restaurant for a steal a few years before  ,  but that’s the way of life for a lot of people in the underground  .  young  ,  bored  ,  and desperate to hear and smell anything that wasn’t the rottenness of his own childhood home  ,  siwon found himself on the streets more nights than not  ,  spray paint in one hand   ,  painting nights in greens and purples until reds and blues chased him away  .  makes his first steal before he can tie his shoes  .  creates alliances with the neighborhood kids  ,  sneaks around to watch how the haves live with their pretty  ,  pretty screens and their ugly  ,  ugly words  .  school isn’t anything special  ,  either  ,  and while siwon can’t remember shit that he reads from a page he can work with his hands  .  fast and efficient  ,  nimble fingers whether they’re flying across a keyboard or fucking around with some screws  .  you can make something of yourself  ,  some of his teachers tell him while others can’t stop bitching about homework or tardiness or the way he falls asleep in the middle of class  .  but what’s siwon supposed to make  ?  he and his ragtag group of weirdos he calls friends  .  when he gets older and nights get hungrier  ,  siwon learns to stop relying on the benevolence of neighbors and finds a job  ---  he’s fast  ,  after all  ,  with a sweet face and wide eyes  ,  makes a helluva getaway after years and years of running  .  

       thieving’s a natural grift  .  he’d been training for this his whole life  .  then he catches the eyes of a boss man who isn’t nearly as mad as he should be catching some kid with his wallet in his hands  .  courier comes next  ,  ferrying messages from a bunch of suits all over the city  .  siwon never opened the packages  ,  never second guesses the credits that start bloating his account  .  desperate  ,  he does what he’s told and does it well ------ and that’s the real kicker  ,  isn’t it  ?  that after a year and some-odd months of dedicated service they leave him high and dry with some bullshit he doesn’t have any involvement with  .  after years of running  ,  boys in blue finally catch him and he’s left to take the fall of some dumb fuckery  ,  man  ,  and he’s pissed  .  steaming in jail  ,  it’s a wonder some other gang didn’t get to him first  .  the longer he sat and talked with that ghoul member  ,  the more he grew to despise the rich  ,  the ones who left him to rot after all the shit he did for them  .  what was even the point anymore  ?  dog eat dog kind of bullshit  ,  no sense of loyalty or shit anywhere  .  the law and all that money was out to get him from the beginning and siwon had enough of it  .  a few months locked up but he learned and leaned and learned  ,  only able to get out on a technicality  .  the second he stepped back out into the sun  ,  siwon followed the map given to him and signed up for the ghouls  .  city of light be damned  .  the only lights he wants to see are flames eating this hellhole alive  .

                    ☣  ;  𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓  .

➤  full name.  ryu si-won ➤  date of birth.  january 29th ➤  hometown.  city of light ➤  gender.  cis male ➤  affiliation.  ghouls  ➤  primary occupation.  drug runner  ,  pickpocket  ➤  secondary occupation.  network manager at an internet cafe 

➤  sexual attraction.  pansexual ➤  romantic attraction.  panromantic ➤  character alignment.  chaotic neutral ➤  personality type.  enfp ➤  temperament.  sanguine ➤  wants.  power  ,  family

       stands around 5′11  .  broad shoulders  ,  slim hips  .  floppy  ,  messy hair and sun browned skin  .  half legs  .  a few pieces of silver in his ears and a small hoop on his bottom lip  .  dresses somewhere between a washed up rockstar  ,  your college weed dealer  ,  and a miami vice reject  .  style’s a whim with a closet’s chaotic mix of anything he thrifts or patches together  .  most of the time he’s sporting cuffed jeans  ,  vintage blouse  ,  a denim jacket or tweed blazer and thick ass boots  .  keeps all that hair back with a bandanna or a headband  ,  hair ties on his wrist  .  nothing in his closet’s technically new and he loves looking for a bargain steal —— or simply just a steal  .  likes colors just as much as he likes his neutrals  .  wears a black air filtration mask and fingerless gloves  .  considers his floral button-up shirts fancy material and his trousers cut off at the ankles  .  likes the smell of old leather and the breathing of fringe on a jacket  ,  the weight of heavy rings on his fingers and sunglasses swooped low on his nose  .  wears a monocle because he can’t be fucked with reading glasses  .   his hair’s been every color of the rainbow and he’s always changing it up thanks to temporary dye  .

                                    ☣  ;  𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄  .

       hustles at arcade halls  ,  scarfs down ramen and burritos like they’re gonna disappear  ,  looks as comfortable in a dark  ,  dirty alley as he does standing under all those lights in the neon district  .  pockets full of candy and a lollipop between his lips  .  likes cheap beer and cigarettes  ,  fast talking and smooth smiles  .  gets up when the sun goes down  .  who knows if he ever gets a full night’s sleep  ,  but you can find him taking a nap just about anywhere  .  seems to live for the dark hours and stays busy as a bee  ,  at the internet cafe one moment and grabbing fried cheese sticks in the next before crossing the bridge to watch the street races and venturing to the tunnels for the fighting rings  .  complains about being broke but puts down bets faster than anyone  .  lives for the feeling of wind in his hair so the window of his top-floor one bedroom shit hole stays open all the time  .  feels the rain on his skin  ,  plays with matches  .   learned how to assemble a gun in less than sixty seconds and stays packing nowadays though he can’t really shoot for shit  .  spray paints boobs on the sides of government buildings and dicks on malls  .  looks like an angel under all those holographic lights  .

       rides a motorbike and his skateboard  .  can do crazy math in his head and spot fake bills with incredible accuracy  .  can barely stand to sit still  ,  always moving except when there’s a computer screen in front of him  .  gets addicted to things so easily it’s scary  ---  people  ,  food  ,  liquor  ,  feelings  .  craves that intimacy  ,  craves that closeness that’s always been denied to him  .  has a loud as fuck laugh and a love for sneaking into places where he doesn’t belong  .  catches extra cash on the side by fixing up broken-down machines and can figure his way around a motor with a bit of elbow grease  .  still sees his family  .  not as much as a good son would  ,  but he sends cash when he can and looks after his younger sister  ,  makes sure she stays well and clean  .  they don’t know half of what he’s gotten up to since he was let out of prison  ,  but they might have some idea --- after all  ,  who’d pay a crooked boy with a record as well as he seems to be  ?  when the sun starts to come up and he crashes into bed  ,  siwon stares out the window and thinks about how in another world  ,  or in another time he probably could’ve been something  .  could’ve made something great  .  but for now he’s just got a whole lot of anger  ,  raw like a fresh wound he can’t stop picking at  .  

                           ☣  ;  𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔  ?

➤  bonds.  my loyalty to my friends is unwavering  ;   i owe everything to my mentor --- a horrible person who’s rotting in jail somewhere  ;  i fleeced the wrong person and must work to ensure this individual never crosses paths with me  . ➤  flaws.  once i pick a goal  ,  i become obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else in my life  ;  when I see something valuable  ,  i can't think about anything but how to steal it  ;  i have a weakness for the vices of the city  . 

       he’s friendly  ,  but he doesn’t make friends easily --- the ones that he has made  ,  he’d do anything for  .  because that’s how he’s gotten this far  ,  right  ?  all those people who looked after him when others tried to stomp him out  .  he’s still close with his teen friends who threw a few grifts with him  ,  gaming buddies that he knows only through a screen  .  little escapes from all the other bullshit going on in the world  .  even though he isn’t a club guy  ,  he runs into more than a few faces on his rounds  .  maybe they’re bad influences or sweethearts who help that touch starved affliction that comes from living in a city so wired  .  on the flip side  ,  there’s some enemies --- competitors in the runner world  ,  antagonists he meets at the races or rings for whatever reason  (  insane bets make tempers run hot  ,  who knows when they’ll flare for good and siwon’s learning the hard way how to keep his mouth shut  )  .  he’s fixed up a few cars or weapons for people recently because he misses working with his hands  .  y’know  ,  making nice  .  then there’s people he’s caught in a crossfire with  ,  where they’ve met something nasty one too many times before over turf  ,  territory and clients  .  a newer face to the ghouls  ,  he’s bugged someone into mentoring him  ,  and gone on a few runs with someone he loves to call a coworker  .  

       eager to prove himself as more than a green kid with a keyboard and an eye for detail  ,  find him cutting deals and making trades in smokey barbecue houses  ,  hole-in-the wall ramen shops or by taco tents  .  a full bellied class of clients are happy clients in his opinion  ,  and siwon isn’t above not making deals with the other groups who’s names aren’t violent delights  .  speaking of which  ---  there are definitely some skeletons there he aims to confront  ,  some old demons to fight from that class of people that fucked him over  .  there’s an ex lover in there somewhere  ,  probably met in that pre-prison childhood phase when he mingled past class lines more  ( ~1.5-2 years ago )  .  someone he’s healthily fearful of for whatever reason  ,  and maybe a vendetta against the family that scammed his parents out of their business and basically sent his life spiraling  .  there’s someone who isn’t what they seem  --- he doesn’t know who they really are  ,  and maybe they don’t know who he is  ,  either  .  they’ll learn eventually  .  someone he’s protective over  ,  someone who protects him in ways he doesn’t even know  ,  and those he looks after because they grew up on the same side  .  desperate for connection  ,  desperate for a place  ,  he finds it all in heaven and hell  .

[hekategoddessofthenight]

Reunited Pt.1

Daniella

Welp here I am, going home for the 10 year high school reunion, after I talked myself into going just to rub my success in my old classmate faces, granted I only had a day to decide seeing as it's Friday night and it's currently Thursday, I packed my bags and bought a ticket for the next flight out to Alabama, I felt my IQ plummet the second the planes tires screeched along the tarmac, I grabbed my overnight bag out of the overhead compartment and dragged my feet off the plane and walked into the airport terminal.

My big brother Cash who is 5 years older than i am and who never left the state,  and his wife were the ones to come and pick me up seeing as our parents moved to the beach after I moved away leaving the house to Cash and his wife Ashlyn.

Cash is your typical good ol southern boy, never without the bluejeans with the dip ring in the back pocket of every pair thad been permenatly rubbing into it from years of rubbing again the seat of his pick up truck, his work boots that I had to hide from him when he and Ashlyn got married during the summer of my junior and senior year of high school.  

“So Dani, how is the big city?”  Ashlyn asks me as I toss my bag into the cab of the truck, it's been awhile since I been home and by a while I mean like 4-5 years and in that time not only have I lost some of my southern twang but I keep forgetting what my family sounds like and wow.

“it's a new adventure every day, I can’t get enough of it.” I tell her

“Cash, do you hear her my god she’s lost her southern drawl and picked up a northern accent! You really need to come home more Daniella or at least call more.” she says and Cash pulls away he just sits there nodding his head in agreement going mhmm as he spits his chew into the bottle.

“I will do just that when I have the time, works been crazy, I have so many books to read and decide if they are worth publishing I hardly have time for anything else, I had to beg my boss to even let me come down here for a few days.” I say as I pull out my ipad and skim over the latest manuscript of an up and coming romance author.

As we pull into the driveway of my childhood home I grab my bag and head in the house to my old room, Cash and Ashlyn boxed up alot of  my stuff and shoved it in the closet to make my old room into a spare when mom and dad come up to visit but the posters of New York on the walls, and the millions of pictures I took when the senior class trip went to Manhattan are still up.

That trip, that was it from the second I stepped onto the busy city street and smelt the ammonia filled subway I knew that was where I wanted to be, where I belonged.

I toss my bag onto the bed and start to unpack my bag, hanging up the strapy V-neck Chanel dress before it wrinkles and setting my black Louboutin below it all ready to go tomorrow night.

I change into some jeans and a T and head out to the living room, and watch them for a little bit. Cash is working the computer seeing as he does some kind of online job and Ashlyn is getting ready for the night shift at the local nursing home. “I'll be back.” I say as I steal the keys to the truck and head for town, it's been awhile since I been home but DAMN, after being in a city that never sleeps and going to a town that literally closes at 5 pm sucks, I wonder around town, its small but when I was little I thought it was huge but now this is small, as I wonder peering into some of the old shops I use to go to I can see that they have been closed up for some time also there is a thick layer of dust collected onto the glass, as I keep walking I’m waiting the the enviable shoe to stop and someone I went to school with or someone that has known me my entire life to recognize me and then word spreads like wildfire that I am here and I’m not ready for that.

not only have I changed emotionally but I have physically as well, I lost some weight, which I didn’t have to work so hard at seeing as I live in a city that I walk everywhere in but I also changed the way I ate when I moved their, I tried every single place that was labeled as southern comfort food in the first year I was their and nothing compared to my momma’s cooking but my taste has expanded now and I’m sure that I will not be able to find good fresh sushi here.

after touring the town I made my way up the the next major town for the world famous Gibson BBQ, after walking out with the few things I have been craving I manage to make it back home, I settle down in my room with my food and read some more of the newest novel I have been assigned to read over, after a few hours I finished the book and decide that it is worth publishing, I sit my iPad down and scan my old room, I rummage threw the closet and spot my old years book on the shelf and seeing as I have the reunion tomorrow it might be best if I figure out who is who again, I’ve kept up with some people when I moved thanks to social media, but its sad looking back and seeing that almost 80% of the graduating class is all ether married or have a few kids by now. Except me.

As I flip threw the book I happen to come across Aiden Rose, I use to help him pass English he was the high school heartthrob every girl wanted him including me and every girl was always trying to be my friend to try and get close to him but it never worked, I mean the closest thing I ever came to what one would mistake for a date with him is when we went to the diner for a last minute english paper he needed help with.

I had the biggest crush on him I mean for christ sakes I was a bumbling idiot when he was around, always stumbling over my words, tripping over air and up stairs it was sad, I would often have the thought of what if, what if he asked me to prom or what if he asked me to go to homecoming, or even asked me out on a date and gave me a kiss, but the biggest what if was what if i didn’t look the way i did, i was the short girl with the dopy looking glasses who always got her work done well before anyone, i was the girl who spent most of her free time in the library reading books all the time or writing in my notebook of stories i thought of, all of them being romance novels. to him i was just the girl that would help him pass his classes nothing more.

I wonder what he’s been up to since then, last time I saw him was the night of graduation after the ceremony, he hugged me and thanked me for all the help over the 4 years I was helping him, the next day I was on my way to NYU for journalism, I occasionally would look him up over the last 10 year but people change so much that I wouldn’t know if it was him or not. I wonder if he will be their tomorrow, I sure would like to know what he does now, I’m sure he maybe took over his family’s ranch or maybe he works at the local store, who knows but I’m sure I will know more tomorrow, that is if he even shows up, no point in worrying about it time to get some sleep.

[ofjvsper]

( lee felix, cismale, he/him )  who is that ? oh, it’s just JASPER AHN. the TWENTY year old has been in beauhart for HIS WHOLE LIFE and is currently a STUDENT. i’ve heard they can be LOYAL and ADROIT, but also JEALOUS and POSSESSIVE. maybe that’s why their anthem is DYING TO BELIEVE by SLEEPING WITH SIRENS and iced coffee in the morning, climbing on rooftops, clutching something so tight your knuckles turn white makes me think of them.

it  is  unfortunately  your  local  meme  queen™  and  favorite  korean,  ness,  back  at  it  again  with  another  muse  because  i  have  no  control.  he’s  fresh  out  of  the  oven  and  i   really  wanted  to  tell   y’all  about  him  so  i   haven’t  really  thought  up   a  lot  of  connections  ...  yikes,  but  i’m  always  willing  to  brainstorm  !  if  you’re  interested  in   plotting  then  i’d  suggest  liking  this  post,  sending  me  an  IM,  or  adding  me  on  discord:  trash™ ♡#4281

—  ;   BACKGROUND.

so, jasper was not born into a life of unconditional love and happiness. he was an accidental pregnancy that resulted in his parents getting married too young due to his pressuring grandparents that refused to help the couple financially if they didn’t comply. with that said, he had a rather cushy life and was given everything that money could buy — except for the undivided attention of his mother and father

growing up, he was raised on the more wealthier side of town and his childhood was somewhat of a lonely one that was filled with empty place settings where mom and dad should have been. his parents seemed to operate as if they didn’t have a son, always off doing their own thing, never really paying much attention to the little boy. however, this didn’t have him act out but rather keep to himself and cling to the various items and objects he had in his possession

he had a hard time academically from a young age and some teachers claimed he simply wasn’t applying himself, that he didn’t care to learn or lacked motivation. it took him a little longer than other kids his age to pick up on things such as reading and especially mathematics. jasper never had been one to speak up so he couldn’t exactly formulate what was going on in his brain through words and when he was ten, he was diagnosed with dyslexia and adhd. after that, his parents put him on metadate and got him the best tutors that money could pay and things began improving. still, his parents made no effort to check in on their son and make sure he was struggling less. all they did was simply pay for the tutors and gave themselves a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum

despite his learning disabilities, music was the one thing he truly found comfort in and, as it turns out, he was quite gifted when it came to picking more artistic/creative things naturally. it took a little bit of time to work up the confidence but he eventually got to make use of the bass guitar that he’d received for one of his birthdays. he began teaching himself how to play, learning to read the notes with some assistance, and even getting into the recording process. the quiet nights in a large yet empty house were now filled with the low hum of a bass and the sound of music provided more solace for him than any form of affection could

in school, especially high school, he was a jokester and would definitely be the type to do silly things just to make his peers laugh. he was friends with anyone and everyone but only had a handful that he actually felt a connection with and would hang out with outside of school. he was kind of the kid that you never would have expected to be popular ? jasper was definitely the person that everybody knew, for better or for worse

after turning eighteen and graduating, he was free and legally an adult so he moved out and into vivian’s place whom was more like family to him than his own parents. since he had a decent amount of money in his trust fund which he now had access to, he proceeded to take a year off from school and just focus on music and messing around with making his own songs until he felt confident enough to jump back into a learning environment. he's since enrolled at beauhart university with a major in music and a minor in music technology

—  ;   PERSONALITY.

is doing his best

deep™ voice but sometimes speaks in tiny font

either talks too much or not at all

lowkey a headass but acts like that for the memes

pretends to be the hottest thing since sliced bread but is really overcritical of himself ... fake it until you make it, baby 😎

he craves intimacy in all forms, not just romantic or sexual

tries and wants to do the right thing, he really does, but trouble has a way of finding him

he can come off as a bit quirky or eccentric but in a somewhat endearing way

doesn’t take anything too seriously and can be a little immature

loves animals more than people

—  ;   STATISTICS.

name:  jasper ahn

age:  twenty (  20  )

zodiac:  cancer

birthplace:  beauhart, conneticut

gender:  cismale

pronouns:  he/him/his

sexuality:  bisexual

occupation:  student

education:  high school diploma, some college

height:  171 cm.  (  5′ 7″  )

hair color:  orange

eye color:  dark brown

alignment:  chaotic good

mbti:  esfp

[betelgeusessonajblog]

I shall be a dick cause I love you 😜💕 1 - 150

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

AJ: Raph

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

AJ: Outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

AJ: Raph, duh he’s everything.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

AJ: Nah, not really haha

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

AJ: Obviously he would

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

AJ: Tough but caring, smart, funny, can pick me up when I’m down.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

AJ: Without a doubt *holds up hand with wedding ring on it* 

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

AJ: Raven….I wanna save her…

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

AJ:…HAHAHAHAHA!!!! no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

AJ:…Raph.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

AJ:….Uuum….it’s just an ass pic I sent Raph before he ran into our room and fucked me senseless

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

AJ: Don’t have a 5 fave songs tbh

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

AJ:…I…is my spikes hair….? cause no one touches them 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

AJ: Yep

15. What good thing happened this summer?

AJ: Since this is 2020 and Summer hasn’t happened yet I’m gonna say last year’s summer was good. Lots happened though

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

AJ: That’s my husband so yes17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

AJ; Yes, I have an Alien son18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

AJ: Brock? Eh not since a huge fight me and Raph got into

19. Do you like bubble baths?

AJ: Never tried them I don’t think

20. Do you like your neighbors?

AJ: Me and, Raph live away from people so

21. What are you bad habits?

AJ: God….um…shit I know I have a lot but I’m struggling to figure it out22. Where would you like to travel?

AJ: I like travelling so yeah23. Do you have trust issues?

AJ; Not really just depends24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

AJ: Breakfast with Raph, it’s fun talking.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

AJ:….my…scars…26. What do you do when you wake up?

AJ: Depends its usually Afternoon or some times morning27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

AJ: I’m monochrome, I’d like different scale colours

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

AJ: Raph29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

AJ: No, Brock never said that once

30. Do you ever want to get married?

AJ: ALREADY AM!31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

AJ:…No hair32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

AJ: Don’t know33. Spell your name with your chin.

AJ:…Bite me bambi34. Do you play sports? What sports?

AJ: Mostly Martial arts stuff35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

AJ: Ugh…neither36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

AJ: One guy years back but I didn’t know my sexuality then so…

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

AJ:…Nothing really just…38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

AJ: Raph39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

AJ: I don’t really have a fave store to go to40. What do you want to do after high school?

AJ: I went to MU and that was a disaster41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

AJ: Some do…42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

AJ: I’m thinking of something or i’m too down to talk43. Do you smile at strangers?

AJ: Not really no44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

AJ: Been in space45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

AJ: Raph, without a doubt46. What are you paranoid about?

AJ: Fucking things up with my family

47. Have you ever been high?

AJ: No48. Have you ever been drunk?

AJ: Repeatedly49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

AJ: Nope50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

AJ: Dark red51. Ever wished you were someone else?

AJ: For years I always did52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

AJ: No scars….53. Favourite makeup brand?

AJ: Don’t use make up54. Favourite store?

AJ: None55. Favourite blog?

(Mun one: @thelostandforgottenangel cause she’s awesome56. Favourite colour?

AJ: Red57. Favourite food?

AJ: Hmm…Spaghetti58. Last thing you ate?

AJ: Raph’s ass *Sticks tongue out*59. First thing you ate this morning?

AJ: Cereal60. Ever won a competition? For what?

AJ: never61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

AJ: ALMOST got Suspended/Expelled62. Been arrested? For what?

AJ: Nope luckily63. Ever been in love?

AJ: Currently in love with the man of my dreams64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

AJ: God…that was way back in College me and Brock were talking then…we kissed after admitting we liked each other65. Are you hungry right now?

AJ: Nah I’m fine66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

//YEP 67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

AJ: Watching repeats of some old TV Shows70. Names of your bestfriends?

AJ: Besides Raph? Leo, Mikey, Donnie and, Raven71. Craving something? What?

AJ: Raph’s big cock72. What colour are your towels?

AJ: Eh white I think72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

AJ: Three73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

AJ: No, never had that kinda thing74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

AJ: None75. Favourite animal?

//Dog76. What colour is your underwear?

AJ: My jockstrap’s red77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

AJ:…Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

AJ: Strawberry79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

AJ: Black80. What colour pants?

AJ: Also Black81. Favourite tv show?

AJ: The Walking Dead82. Favourite movie?

AJ: Rocky Horror Picture Show83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

AJ: Neither84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

AJ: neither85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

AJ: Never seen it don’t wanna86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

AJ: None87. First person you talked to today?

AJ: Raph88. Last person you talked to today?

AJ: Roger89. Name a person you hate?

AJ: My mom90. Name a person you love?

AJ: Raph91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

AJ: My Dad92. In a fight with someone?

AJ: Not currently93. How many sweatpants do you have?

AJ: None94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

AJ: Um one or two95. Last movie you watched?

AJ: one of the Fast and Furious movies, me and Raph watched it last night96. Favourite actress?

AJ: Hmm….too many tbh97. Favourite actor?

AJ: Same as before98. Do you tan a lot?

AJ: Never99. Have any pets?

AJ: a shared pet with Raph, one I bought him100. How are you feeling?

AJ: Tired to be honest101. Do you type fast?

//Yes102. Do you regret anything from your past?

AJ:….people I met in MU….Breaking promises to people103. Can you spell well?

//not really104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

AJ: No105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

AJ: Nope106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

AJ: Yeah Brock’s with breaking my promise to never drink107. Have you ever been on a horse?

AJ: Nope108. What should you be doing?

AJ: Raph~

109. Is something irritating you right now?

AJ: Not being able to help Raven110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

AJ: Raph, without a doubt111. Do you have trust issues?

AJ:…No this was already mentioned before112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

AJ: Raph113. What was your childhood nickname?

AJ….pass on that one114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

AJ: Yep115. Do you play the Wii?

//Yep116. Are you listening to music right now?

AJ: Nothing currently117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

AJ: No118. Do you like Chinese food?

AJ: Nope119. Favourite book?

AJ: Tomorrow When The War Began is one I love120. Are you afraid of the dark?

AJ: No121. Are you mean?

AJ: only when someone pisses me off122. Is cheating ever okay?

AJ: Never okay EVER123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

AJ: I don’t wear shoes124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

AJ: Kinda yeah125. Do you believe in true love?

AJ: I have that with Raph126. Are you currently bored?

AJ: Yeeeep127. What makes you happy?

AJ: My family128. Would you change your name?

AJ: Nah129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra130. Do you like subway?

AJ: Nope131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

AJ: Turn them down 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

AJ…I Already said RAPH133. Favourite lyrics right now?

AJ: Don’t have any134. Can you count to one million?

AJ: Never had to135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

AJ:….too many tbh136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

AJ: Depends tbh137. How tall are you?

AJ: 6′6138. Curly or Straight hair?

AJ: Don’t have hair so139. Brunette or Blonde?140. Summer or Winter?

AJ: Summer141. Night or Day?

AJ: Night142. Favourite month?

AJ: Dunno143. Are you a vegetarian?

AJ: Nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

AJ: Doesn’t matter145. Tea or Coffee?

AJ: *Shrugs*146. Was today a good day?

AJ: Kinda147. Mars or Snickers?

AJ: Mars148. What’s your favourite quote?

Limits are meant to be overcome

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

AJ: I am one

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

AJ:…Spell shit

[throwaway-sinfulwriter]

The Same - Chapter 5 - Martin (1/2)

From 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM patients were allowed to have phone time.

Martin didn't use this privilege before, as he had stopped trying to call Malcolm after his transfer from the prison.

But now.. now he could talk to his son! Whenever he wanted. From 9 to 5, of course. A bit of sweet talk, nentioning his son worked with the NYPD, and a compliment had Martin everything he could want.

Because he was such a "high risk patient", they brought the phone to him.

He didn't even have to move! Martin could read and write while being on the phone all he wanted. From the comfort of his own cell.

He had planned on calling Malcolm that morning, to speak and cherish his boy's voice.

However, his thoughts became much more interesting, much less perverted when the morning paper was delivered.

Dr. Whitly glances up from the paper, at the guard sitting in the corner. David, his nametag said. He smiles, pointing with his free hand to the television poised above the phone.

"Do you mind turning it to the news, David? I do believe my daughter is on at the moment."

Martin sits back as his guard does as asked, raising his eyebrows as his daughter was indeed reporting. A quadruple homicide, huh. How intriguing.

Malcolm was probably already on the case.

Just a bit longer until he could call Malcolm, ask him about this quadruple murder. How exciting, killing four people at once.

It had always been much too risky for Martin himself, but he silently applauded the person who pulled off such an act.

Of course, when he talked to his son, he would act indifferent. Horrified, even. Martin smirks, setting the paper to the side.

Picking up the Peter Pan book and running his fingers over the cover idly as he watched Ainsley speak with another person on the news channel.

"Ring my son, please, David." The doctor requests, smiling politely as the guard dials for him.

"Hello?" His son answered quickly. He must already be doing work for the case.

"Malcolm, my boy, it's dad!" The book rested on top of his crossed legs, his finger intertwined with each other and moving as he spoke. A grin on his face.

"What? How the hell do you have a phone?" His son sounded baffled at the concept, and it was hard not to beam like the cat who caught the canary. He was so very proud of his manipulations of the staff here.

Really, it was almost too easy.

"Oh, I don't, I have "phone time." A critical distinction. My calls had been exclusively reserved for my medical consultations, but I was able to pull a few strings to help the NYPD and their newest profiler.." He teased lightly, like it was a private joke. Both proud and resentful of his son's occupation.

Martin placed his feet on the floor and moved the rolling chair side to side without disturbing the base.

"Sooo, I heard about this quadruple homicide." He crooned, sounding entirely too smug and comfortable.. Martin whistles, tapping the side of his left leg as he spoke.

"That's quite a story." He says conversationally, trying to get more information on the case. Figure out where he was, what he was doing.

A silence follows, and then his son asked him very meek voice, "How do you even know I'm here?"

To the outside eye, Martin would look very surprised at this question. But the devil inside of him was roaring with triumph, proud at successfully manipulating his son into telling him his whereabouts.

"Oh- my, you're actually on the scene?!" He rocked forward, sitting up higher in his chair. Pointing to the television. "Oh, that's great! Go, go stand behind your sister- go on, I bet I'll be able to spot you." Martin grins at the concept, wishing he could see Malcolm.

Yes, he had his picture. But it wasn't the same as seeing him move, seeing his eyes dart around and his brilliant mind work.

"No." His son shuts him down, sounding dark and irritated now.

Perhaps he got too excited.

"No, oh, you're busy. Of course. I get it." He sat back, hands folding neatly in his lap. Getting quieter.

Closing his eyes for a brief moment.

"So, tell me about the bodies." Martin says, trying to sound casual. But sounding all too excited. It had been so long since he saw a corpse, a crime scene. He so craved the art of it.

"Every killer leaves their.. own unique signature." His face scrunched for a moment, a tick he had developed. Martin dearly missed placing his signature. It was always his favorite part of the murder process.

"Now, I want to hear all the details." He inhales sharply, his hands coming up to fold at his stomach. Scrunching his eyes shut and unfolding them, holding them up.

"I want to really," Martin sniffles, mind coming up with thousands of possibilities, each one messier than the last. "Be able to see it in my head."

"I don't need your help." His son said slowly, enunciating each syllable. Martin couldn't help but inwardly preen. Oh, Malcolm. How wrong he was..

His eyes opened, smile turning into a slight frown. "Oh, don't be a killjoy. I have so much to offer." Martin changes his relaxed stance, sitting forward. As if to get closer to the phone, let his words sink in deeper.

Like knives, corrupting Malcolm's thoughts.

"We're both obsessed with murder; like father like son."

He expects a response, but all he gets is a dial tone.

His smile falls immediately.

"Call back, David." He orders, voice cold as he brings his fingers up to his chin. Resting them there. Glaring at the phone.

The calls go on all day. From 9 to 5, without any breaks. David is becoming irritated with him, but Martin doesn't care. He wants to speak to his son.

"Hello, Malcolm, it's dad-"

"Hey, kiddo, it's your father again-"

"Hello, Malcolm, it's your dad. I heard more about the case. Ooh. Gruesome stuff. Anyways, if you want to bounce around some ideas, give me a call."

"Dad here. I have thoughts on the case."

"I respect that you're conflicted about picking up, but as Oscar Wilde said, "The only way to fight temptation is to yield to it."

"Remember Bradford Bishop? Killed five members of his family in '76 and was never caught? I've always wondered.."

"Dad again. It's almost 4:30."

"Hey, kiddo, it's your father. Sun's beginning to set."

"Dad here. I really would like to speak with you."

His irritation grows and grows, slowly building up after every failed call.

"Sir, I really think-" David tries to tell him, and Martin turns his withering gaze onto the guard.

"I do not care what you think, David. This is between my son and I. No one else. Call again. Now."

He tightens his fist, knuckles cracking and David calls and the voicemail ("Bright here.") rings once more.

"I really would like to speak with you. You sounded tired on the phone. You know, maybe I can help with that."

"I don't know. Help with anything. I JUST WANT TO HELP, DAMN IT!" Martin started off sounding calm, but he quickly descended into screaming, standing up and going towards the phone, his tether pulling him back at the last moment.

It's like a switch flipped, completely normal one moment and homicidal the next. The sign of a true psychopath.

David stood up, much taller than him. Glaring down at him. Martin falters, stepping back.

"Well, Malcolm, phone time is ending for the day. A total bust. Thanks for that." Martin sighs, squeezing the top of his nose, feeling a killer headache coming along.

"Well, hopefully we can speak tomorrow. Goodbye, my boy." The phone clicks off. Martin is left feeling jarringly empty. And angry. So, so very angry.

 

The doctor doesn't sleep well that night, worry and anger eating away at him. Why didn't Malcolm answer his calls? Sure, he had asked about the bodies, but his son knew him well enough to know his obsession with corpses.

So it couldn't be that.. What could it be?

Martin doesn't get an answer until the next day.

He rises with heavy bags under his eyes, feeling fatigued and having even less answers than before. No one could make him so exhilarated and bothered at the same time.

Malcolm was the only one.

After his outburst yesterday, the doctors are refusing to let him see Malcolm without handcuffs around his wrists. It's quite an unnecessary precaution.

He would never hurt his boy.

Well, with his hands, anyway..

As custom, Martin puts his back to the door as his son enters. Turning and smiling at his exhausted, pretty face.

"Malcolm! You got my messages. Come, let's solve a murder." He says eagerly, only to have his son hold up a hand, stopping him.

"There's only one thing I want from you, and that's the truth. Tell me what you did to me." Martin sighs, bringing his rolling chair over and sitting down in it.

"All right, take a seat. Ask me anything." His son complied, and while Martin was incredibly on edge, he felt calmed by his son following his orders.

"I've been remembering things about my childhood."

"Good things?"

"The girl in the box." Alarm ran through Martin, though he displayed an outward expression of indifference. Had he remembered?

"After I found her, did you drug me so I wouldn't call the police?"

The doctor deflected, twisting his expression into one of concern to hide his alarm. "Malcolm, when was the last time you slept through the night?"

"You used chloroform, didn't you? On a ten year old."

Martin swallowed heavily, scratching at his arm nervously.

They make it look so easy in the movies, but it's tricky stuff, you know? The wrong dose can easily kill you," Malcolm opened his mouth with a defiant expression, but his father continued on. "Which is a long way of saying, "No, of course I didn't drug you."

"The girl that I saw-" His son began, and Martin once again shut him down.

"Wasn't real." He says firmly, unwilling to change his stance.

"I may have done some.. bad things, but I never did that."

A silence followed. Malcolm was glaring at him with a resentful expression. It made his stomach turn. He never wanted his son to look at him like that.

Malcolm would understand, once Martin was able to break him down and make him see things from his point of view. The doctor had no choice, he couldn't simply allow Malcolm to go crawling to the police so soon.

For now, he would deny the accusation until he was blue in the face, if he had to.

"Well, don't take my word for it." Martin continued on. "Ask the police, ask your mom. We all agreed there was no girl in the box."

Malcolm stood, stalking to the door. Martin could barely restrain himself from standing and going after him.

"They're wrong and you're lying. Goodbye, Dr. Whitly."

Martin reached out to him. "Wait! Your case." His son turned back to him, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

"You're, uh, after a family annihalator?"

"What?" Malcolm asked him coldly, almost not willing to follow his father's train of thought.

"Your suspect, this, uh, Liam character on the cover of The Daily News.." Martin grabbed a folder off of his desk, holding it up. "Isn't this your profile?"

"My profile is constantly evolving." His son said snarkily, and Martin couldn't help but smile fondly.

"And your method is a mix of psychology and on-the-fly improvisation. I love it." The doctor looked down at the folder for a second, looking up at his son through his eyelashes.

He prides himself in the deep flush that blooms on Malcolm's face.

"Oh, I've always been fascinated by familicide. To.. love one's family that much." Malcolm flinches, barely noticeable to the outside eye. But his father knows all of his little signs.

Signs of attraction, that is. And signs of deep rooted shame.

"Perverted? Yes." Incredibly perverted, the two of them. Playing this little game of cat and mouse. Martin pushing his son until he broke.

"Narcissistic? Sure." Malcolm had developed narcissistic tendencies at a young age, a by-product of his father's methods of caring for him.

Yes, Martin had been delighted when his son first showed signs of being a sociopath. It wasn't quite what he had planned, but it would do.

Afterall, there was only a single type of person who could understand, sympathize with psychopaths. Sociopaths themselves.

His plan, even after being put on hold for a decade, was still running smoothly. Malcolm was still exhibiting emotional responses; guilt, remorse, and sadness.

It would only be a few more years until Martin fully purged those needless emotions from his dear boy. Death was something beautiful, it wasn't something to feel guilt over.

"But it's most certainly love." He tells Malcolm, his tongue poking out to lick his lips.

He doesn't get quite the full reaction he was hoping from his son, only a small flush and a shifting of his feet. Averting his gaze.

"Love? What are you talking about? You didn't kill us."

"Well, I'm not an annihalator. Love didn't drive me to kill anyone. No, it drove me to have you." That was a blatant lie. Malcolm's conception wasn't formed out of love.

It was formed out of lust, and the anger at being trapped with the woman he married. Of course, he wouldn't tell Malcolm this. Yet.

The boy finding out his parents marriage was little more than an act on his father's part would only damage his psych more than it already was.

His son looked disturbed. "I'm leaving." He turns to the door again, and once more falters in his steps. "And you're wrong. It's not always about who they love. It's about who loves them."

Standing in front of him, Malcolm's (Now grown) little boy looked so beaten, so broken down. His eyes staring into his father's soul.

Martin wanted to heal him. Wrap him in his arms and tell him how much he loved him. That he could never not love him.

While he thought this, Malcolm seemed to have a breakthrough. "This annihilator was consumed by his hatred for Aristos, but but Aristos didn't love them back..."

"What's that now?" Martin asks, eyebrows furrowing together as his son went on.

"Liam didn't care enough about his family to kill them. He wanted out. He-he even changed his name! Our killer wanted in." His face lights up, and even though he was doing police work at the moment, Martin was just as excited as him.

Invigorated at the passion in Malcolm's expression.

"Oh, that's good." He says, standing nodding as his boy went on, figuring out the case.

"That's why he made Aristos watch the others die! He was punishing him, taking the one thing that Aristos never gave him, a family."

Malcolm was practically bouncing in place, and Martin wanted to grab him by the shoulders and kiss the living daylights out of him.

"Oh, my goodness, are we solving the crime right now?" The doctor asks, unbelievably excited at the process he got to watch just barely 5 feet away from him.

[the-wardens-torch]

HEYYY its that awesome detailed character profile meme that was going around 2-3 months ago!  Which is when @theseventhdawn tagged me with it. Sorry for taking forever. Long work weeks and ShB have killed me but its lovely to rekindle those OC feels. As for people to tag who haven’t been tagged already; @luckiselki (whichever of your characters you like!) and @helboar

Pronunciation:  fal-uhr-in are-sit-uh.

Nicknames: Just… Fal.  His adopted mother was known to call him “Sunny Blue” now and then. Short-lived inside joke names include Local Fal and Lord of the Pants. (I wish I could say that someone once called him Fail-urine Fartcita, but he’s never had a 90s high school sit com bully.)

Height: 5’11

Age: 22

Zodiac: Virgo (Sept 16 - I chose September entirely because its Azeyma’s dedicated month in Eorzean astrology.)

Languages: Common, Seeker Miqo’te Huntspeak (woefully out of practice,) a few words/phrases/songs in other languages (he‘s particularly proud of the Xaelic folk songs he‘s picked up recently. )

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

Hair:  Black, straight and waist-length with messy fringe and sideburns. Usually worn in a loose braid or ponytail - he knows a few more complex hair-braiding techniques, but he somehow just can’t manage to do them on his own hair.

Eyes: Bright royal blue; hooded and on the long and narrow side.

Skin tone: A sort of burnt sienna with darker freckles on his cheeks, shoulders and back.

Body type: Especially long and skinny for a Hyur - he weighs less than most Hyurs his height. Has a bit of lean muscle on his arms and legs from doing a lot of traveling and archery practice as a kid.

Accent: South Seas

Dominant hand: Right

Posture: Very loose and casual with friendly, open body language and liberal use of gestures in conversation. Often shifts his weight from one foot to the other.  Rarely stands/sits up totally straight. Seems incapable of sitting in a chair and keeping both of his feet on the floor at the same time.

Scars: A very noticeable one over his left eye running from hairline to mid-cheek, a smaller one along his jaw line (usually covered by his sideburns) and a third horizontally crossing his right shoulder.

Tattoos: None

Most noticeable features:  Most people are taken aback by how deep his voice is if they hear him at roughly the same time they see him. Other than that, the color of his eyes is rather striking, and he’s kind of an odd dresser… Pointy mage hats, skirts, crop tops, leather jewelry, etc.

CUT BECAUSE I AM SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT CLOGGING UR DASH.

CHILDHOOD.

Place of birth: Cieldalaes islands.

Hometown:  A small port town from which he derives his last name.

Manner of birth: Covert.

First words: “song”

Siblings: He has two half-brothers and one half-sister on his mother’s side, all older by at least 5 years… I haven’t named them or given them personalities, and they don’t know about him… yet.

Parents: Mother Roxane Seaborne; Inn manager living in the Cieldalaes whom he has never met. Father Uther Alcyone; Arcanist living in Idyllshire from whom he was estranged until very recently.

Parental involvement: He hasn’t seen his mother since his birth - it broke her heart to give him away, although she gave up her feelings for his father shortly after he was conceived.  She feels tremendously guilty for what she did and bemoans her selfishness to this day.

His father (despite knowing about him from his birth) only started to show an interest in him a year or two ago (when he started displaying magical talent.) Fal is trying to salvage a relationship from this but isn’t holding his breath - dad’s interest in him seems to be purely intellectual.

He was mostly raised by one N‘elyrha Kikitu, a Miqo’te Bard - she took good care of him and instilled in him self-assurance and a great passion for stories and song, but they were always traveling, and she tried to raise him tough and independent… Which is probably why he craves affection and intimacy.  

ADULT LIFE

Occupation: Freelance musician and leatherworker.  He’ll moonlight as an adventurer now and then, (Arcanist/Summoner) but only for a damn good reason.

Current residence: Eidolons free company house, the lavender beds… I forgot his address.

Close friends: Reonora Aestethe, Sunnthota Rymmharrwyn, T’Majaan Tia, likely your character if I weren’t so scared to RP.

Relationship status: Restlessly single.

Financial status:  Can afford food, a single room, and the occasional splurge… most of the time.

Driver’s license: He’s inexperienced, but he likes to ride and is getting the hang of it.

Criminal record: Trespassing, vagrancy, loitering, public nudity nuisance - all your basic hobo crimes.

Vices: Casual sex.

SEX & ROMANCE.

Sexual orientation: Pansexual

Romantic orientation: Panromantic

Preferred emotional role:  submissive | dominant | switch (he adapts well.)

Preferred sexual role:  submissive |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed  (there I finally said it.)

Turn ons:  Fal’s a sexual character but honestly I’m just not any good at portraying that side of him.  Errr… if my tiny bit of writing that includes his sex life is any indication, he’s attracted to awkwardly sincere men and bold, witty women. Apparently he also has a thing for backless clothing.

Turn offs: Condescension, entitlement, dominant/pushy personalities, touching his hair without asking.

Love language: His hands will always be on you/all over you, whether those hands are chastely patting your shoulders or clamped lewdly on your ass.  Lots of reassuring pats, hugs, face touches, fingers in your hair, etc. Looking at you silently and smiling. Small, eclectic gifts (single flowers, pieces of brightly colored sea glass, handmade trinkets, feathers, scribbled out lines of old poems, etc.) because he “saw it and thought of you.” Lots of songs sung to you for the same reason.  

Relationship tendencies: He tends to think of sex and romance as separate concepts that fulfill different needs. He loves emotional involvement but believes it’s really hard to do and hurts a lot when it goes bad… Sometimes you just need to get railed into the next astral era without any strings attached (I’m sure there’s a shibari or generalized BDSM joke in here somewhere but I don‘t think that’s his thing hahaffff.) If he found a relationship where he could get both from the same person at the same time, it’d be the Best. Thing. Ever.

MISCELLANEOUS.

Hobbies to pass the time:  Leatherwork, dropping in at friends’ houses unexpectedly, occasional archery and botany - just to clear his mind and keep his skills sharp. He’s also recently started to read extensively - mostly poetry and literature from around the world (if he can find it translated into common that is.)

Mental illnesses:  None.

Physical illnesses:  Meat “allergy” - eating flesh of any sort causes him acute gastrointestinal distress. This annoys him greatly and he still tries to eat meat every few years to see if he’s “grown out of it.” He hasn’t.

Fears: Abandonment and loss most of all. He also hates walking on elevated flooring that moves (scaffolding, suspension bridges, etc.) especially if he can see the ground through it.

Self confidence level: Mostly good.  He knows that he‘s likeable and good at what he does, and is generally pretty comfortable with himself and his life. He’s totally fearless in social situations and while performing - its pretty hard to intimidate, heckle, shame, demoralize or embarrass him.  In combat situations is another story. He hasn’t enjoyed a single fight he’s been in, though he’s reasonably good at throwing his comrades off of his trail with quips and witty remarks - just because he likes being with them and doesn’t want them to worry.

Vulnerabilities: Doesn’t know when to shut up.  Emotionally impulsive. Hides/bottles up negative emotions with occasional disastrous results.  Can crumple under stress (especially battlefield stress.) Powerful but unrefined and uneducated when it comes to magic.

[actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire]

My family made a fucked up, unlovable person

Potential trigger warnings: abuse, self harm, suicide (can’t do a cut on mobile, sorry)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about interactions with most of my family members growing up and how it’s affected me as a person.

My mom was emotionally absent, she seemed to get frustrated or annoyed by me. My dad had anger issues. He’s never physically abused me (besides spanking me a bit too forcefully). But he has raised his voice a lot, and while he’s yelling and throwing things around he’s also ranting and cussing. Obviously it made me fear him and all I could really do that when it happened was just stand there and try not to break down in fearful tears in front of him because I was afraid my “punishment” (his yelling) would be worse if I start crying. The important thing to remember in my family is crying is bad, it means you’re being difficult and nobody wants to hear it. Or my family wasn’t able to effectively deal with me being an overly sensitive child, because I have had an anxiety disorder my entire life and it doesn’t take much for me to cry. (Another important note: my dad was a truck driver and could be gone for a few days at a time. My mom worked and still works a flexible schedule, not a 9 to 5. This meant that if I wasn’t being watched by my babysitter, my grandmother or my sister would watch me as a kid.)

My brother has a temper like my dad does. One memory I have from when I was four I think, is I got excited about something and he screamed something at me and naturally, it made me cry because it scared me. I was never close with him. He basically doesn’t interact with me anymore, another long story. Our nonexistent relationship doesn’t really factor too much into my mental turmoil since we were never close, so maybe I’ll go in depth another time, I don’t know.

My sister and brother are several years older than me. This meant my sister had to babysit me a lot when I was a baby because she hadn’t graduated from high school yet. She carries resentment towards me because my parents had her babysit me, and several times she has complained about this to me whenever I’ve told her to stop treating me like a child (when I’m an adult). So, my sister sees me as a burden and as someone to do things she’s too lazy to do because she’s had to babysit me a lot, nothing I had any say over (?!) because nobody asks to exist, it just happens, right?

My grandmother also babysat me a lot. Or, I stayed at her house and had to occupy myself with whatever (note: anybody watching me, including my parents, never really interacted with me because they were always watching TV. Unless I wanted to watch whatever they were watching in the living room, then they wouldn’t be talking to me.) I was there, but she carried about her business and did her own thing and I did mine. (I’m not sure if this is super awful, I’m just getting everything out right now and in a mentally bad place).

My aunts were annoyed by me too.

Not only was I accepted in my family, I was often made fun of throughout school for my weight. No validation from my family, none from school. That means very low self esteem and self worth. I’m improving, but I still hate my appearance and don’t see myself as too lovable. Especially right now.

I know that so many other people have had it much worse than me growing up. I’ve never been beaten, I was just emotionally neglected for the most part and whenever I did something my dad didn’t like a few times he yelled and screamed at me for around a half hour or less and that was it. It’s just.... it still has obviously affected me.

It’s just a night where I’m feeling angry with my family and everybody else treating me shitty during my childhood because they’ve created an unlovable person. They’ve made a clingy, insecure, emotionally unstable woman. I had so many hopes and dreams as a child. Lawyer, doctor, vet, astronaut, I’ve always wanted to be all of those things at one point or another. (No encouragement from family. They said I’d have to go to school forever. More discouraging.) Now, I’m 23 years old and going to school for a second time and living with my parents because I literally cannot go to school and live alone at the same time. It’s why I dropped out of a state university and had to come back home and go to this podunk community college that miraculously offers bachelors degrees. I’ve only got around a year left if I can stick through it but god dammit, will it be hard if I’m going to have a breakdown about my life a few times a month and just feel an emotional rollercoaster each and every day. It’s going to be god damn hard feeling like I’m an outcast EVERYWHERE I am or go.

Why on earth do I think that having some good friends and a good partner will cure my mental turmoil? I don’t know. I should know better. I was still unwell when I had friends and a girlfriend. All I know is, I just want to fit in somewhere and I want to feel loved. I want to feel loved so bad. Whenever I think about this loneliness and isolation and how plain UNLOVED I fucking feel, it’s all I can do not to scream until my throat is raw and I can’t talk for several days. Or pull all of my hair out. Or slash up my arms. But I can’t do any of those things, because people will see and get freaked out and my family will pretend they care. If they really cared, though, they would see how sick and awful I can get. That I’m very good at hiding things for the most part.

I know it’s all on me to get better. Nobody else can. But I crave the affection, the love and the acceptance I missed out on from my childhood. I feel like I can’t find myself able to get better if I don’t have anybody encouraging me but myself. I really just crave someone to hold me and let me cry and just... comfort me. I’m trying to work on my issues but I can’t really hug and comfort myself, you know?

I just needed to get this out and indulge my usual craving for validation, attention, and coddling. If you read through all of this, congrats. If the more likely happens and nobody reads all of this shit, I at least have something to read to my therapist for if I forget how to articulate what the fuck is with me and my head, how I feel, etcetera. I’m going to try and stop crying and silently screaming and go to bed, I have to work my minimum wage job tomorrow (actually today, in less than eight hours). I hope I manage to stick this one out.

[theambivalent]

Why I went Vegan

For the most part, when people find out I’m vegan, I get one of two reactions:

1: “wow, that’s great! I wish I could do that”

2: “but.... why????”

I’ve struggled with writing this post out because I wasn’t sure if others would read it with an open mind. But I honestly don’t care anymore. I created this blog so that I could be honest... and in order to be honest about why I'm vegan I have to go way back to my childhood. 

...Yes, that’s really when the realization resonated with me.

[Note that I'm not telling you how to live your life. You do you, boo! I’m just telling my story.]

Childhood

I grew up in a Los Angeles suburb with my family of 9 total people (7 siblings). Dad’s income was the only money we had to support ALL of us. (Thanks dad!)  

So in order to make ends meet, dad raised animals for food at home. Not for EVERY meal, but almost every animal we had was meant to be food ...eventually.  

We had a huge walk-in chicken coop and ducks, rabbits, and even a goat at one point. In short, we had lots of animals. In the midst of the clucks and the quacks, there was 5 year old me, playing with all these cute little guys. I would greet them every morning. Gave them names. Say goodnight to each individual one by the end of the day.

I had milk from the goat, eggs from the chickens; I ate rabbit stew; goat meat, and roasted duck; but was too naive to think of where my food was coming from. I would ask dad about our missing duck/chicken/rabbit ...and he’d simply tell me they’d run away. It wasn’t until I caught my dad killing a chicken that I realized these beautiful creatures I'd play with ended up on my plate. I was devastated. 

 You see, at that time, I was a pretty lonely kid. I had just started elementary school, and wasn’t making many friends; these animals were my only friends...and it just broke my heart to think that they were dying just so that I could have a meal.

That was the first time I decided to go vegetarian. At the time, no one in my family had ever heard of veganism, so that thought never crossed any of our minds.  

But mom and dad sort of freaked out. “how could I feed my child vegetarian while making sure she’d get all the nutrients she needs?”

They didn’t know.  

What was their answer? To sneak in teeny bits of chicken broth, or super tiny bits of meat into nearly everything they served me.  

I had no chance.

There was nothing I could do but go back to eating meat. My parents didn’t have the resources to do the research. We had no internet in the early 90s. At least not in our house. Forget cell phones. There was literally only what we heard on the news about health. And this influenced my parents... and me.  

Teen Years

My first job was at a KFC near my house. At the time, it seemed like a great idea because I could easily walk there from home, as it was only a couple of blocks away.

By this time, we had less animals at home. As most of my older siblings had already moved out of the house, so dad was able to stretch his income a bit more. It was the summer before my junior year in high school.  

I just had to get a job because my parents were cutting my allowance. KFC was the first interview that I got, so I just had to take it.

There was virtually no training. The manager gave us a menu that had to be memorized overnight, and we watched some safety video. Everyday I'd come home smelling like chicken. There was no actual ‘break room’ for employees. We had to have breaks either outside, or grab a free meal for our lunch and eat with other customers. I was so sick of chicken that I couldn’t eat the food. I would’ve brought my own meals, but there was no fridge, because again... there was no break room. I had no choice but to eat the free meal offered by management. I was stuck with coleslaw and wedges. I hadn’t gone vegetarian yet, but I just got so sick of chicken that I couldn’t eat it anymore. One day, I saw a huge cockroach fall into the fryer where we make the wedges... and no longer craved them either. It was 100% coleslaw for me. I lost a TON of weight. I started getting dizzy spells and even lost my period for a few months. The worst part was that after I quit and went to school the next year, everyone was telling me how great I looked. I wanted to scream at them, ‘i’m sick’, but most of them were genuinely trying to be nice. ...ugh.

Redirecting my attention back to vegetarianism, I had decided to become pescatarian. Why not FULLY vegetarian? Because at that time, I still didn’t have great resources and believed I needed some kind of animal fat in my system in order to function well. And since I was constantly sick, I thought this would help me. I ate crackers and tuna when I felt sick, but had salads often.

To be 100% honest, I don’t believe I had an eating disorder & I was never diagnosed. But I did think that my actions were leading me down that path and going pescatarian actually helped me get better in that instance. Unknowingly, it was still harmful to my body, as I would later learn.

Adult Years

After becoming pescatarian, I decided to go full on vegetarian again, because as an adult in the 21st century, I could easily find so much information than I ever could have as a child!  

I found which plant foods had the most protein, iron, and other essential nutrients; while still eating eggs & dairy.

I had always been lactose intolerant, but it never affected me too badly ...until adulthood.  

Yes, milk is for baby cows. As children we only need milk from our own mothers, and just for the first few years of our lives... it makes sense!  

But at that time, I found myself reaching for medication to take care of my stomach issues because ‘mmm....ice cream!’. Looking back.... I realize I would have saved SO MUCH $$$$ by just buying vegan ice cream instead of that over the counter bean-o... .seriously!

My husband (fiance at the time) and I decided to go to this awesome restaurant for our anniversary dinner. It sat on a hill in Orange County, so we could kinda sorta see the firewords from Disneyland as we ate. I had a super huge salad, and he ordered a burger. As soon as we got home... boom! Food poisoning. He suffered pretty bad that night.

The next day, he looked up any info about eating better for your stomach, and we discovered veganism. We both decided the same day we’d go for it.

This is a short summary (probably too short?) of what our research lead to:

For the Animals

Paying for the foods we eat, literally fund the process by which the food is made. More money going into hamburgers, for example, meant slaughterhouses would breed more cows to kill for the purpose of supplying our demand. By slowly cutting down on meat, the meat industry will breed less and less animals to kill because they wouldn’t want to miss a profit. This is also why, there wouldn’t be an overpopulation of cows if everyone went vegan.

For the environment

Meat/dairy agriculture is the #1 cause of deforestation.  

Some people will tell you that buying soy products is the same issue. Problem with that is 80% of the land used to grow these soy products, is owned by the meat/dairy industries to feed their animals. On top of that, raping and force-breeding an excess of cows also causes a build-up of gas emissions, polluting our air. All of the land used by meat & dairy industries could be instead used to grow plant crops that would feed thousands. Also, more plants help to clean the air.

For Health  

People say, ‘if it’s in your genes, it doesn’t matter what you eat’. But what you eat can literally activate, or de-activate specific genes in your DNA. You can’t have high cholesterol if you don’t eat cholesterol, which vegans don’t. High Blood Pressure runs in my family and I was feeling its effects, and even had to go to the hospital because of it prior to going vegan. Changing my lifestyle made it completely go away. I’ve never had blood pressure issues after that.  

Going plant-based was the best decision we’ve ever made....EVER.  We’ve been vegan for about 5 years now and honestly find it mind-boggling that others still eat animals + animal products. It seems so barbaric to us.

I can’t imagine going back to meat/dairy after seeing how great I’ve been feeling mentally and physically compared to how shitty I felt before that.  

I love animals, and always will...  

Just like I love my body and always will...  

And like I love the planet and always will...