#justtryingtowrite

[sleep-i-ness]

Therapy (Bucky Barnes x reader)

For @just-trying-to-survive-marvel​‘s 500 writing challenge

Prompt: “I don’t need your help. You’ve already done enough”

A/N: Is it bad to say how much I hated writing the end of this? It’s not edited because I just finished it but I hope you enjoy (please leave feedback) <3

Bucky had adopted the habit of carrying around a small black moleskin notebook on his regular walks spent exploring the ins and outs of New York City. Having spent so much of his life in and out of the cryochambers, brainwashed and mindless, nothing made sense in this strange new world. Some days he forgot where he was, thinking he was back in the 1930s with small, fragile Steve, who he needed to look after. Others, nothing made sense anymore, fragments of half-coherent thoughts flitting through his mind as he stared blankly at the wall in his dimly lit room. Those days he didn’t get out of bed until Steve dragged him out, sighing as he saw the brooding confusion brewing in Bucky’s mind. The rest, which lay few and far in-between, yet had been more frequent of late, were the only days where the modern world made any sense and he grabbed those opportunities with both hands. This meant he often ended up returning to the Tower many hours into the early morning, eyes shining with the day’s results as he discovered New York and how it had changed.

Steve often worried about him; the horrors of the past still haunted Bucky, and he never lost the ghosts from the past that hid behind his eyes. On his good days, Steve felt the hope inside him rekindle. Maybe one day he could have his best friend back, not the soulless husk that wandered around aimlessly nor the one stuck firmly in the past. The way Bucky’s eyes sparkled as he recounted the tall tales of the crazy trouble he had got himself caught up in reminded Steve of Bucky’s boxing days back in the ‘30s, where he would be wrapped up in his stories of the ring, adding elaborations wherever he could to make his adventures seem more interesting. Nearly always, they ended up with him victoriously defeating his opponent after a long and arduous struggle. Bucky had enjoyed painting himself to be the hero in these situations. Steve couldn’t ignore the irony, considering the unspeakable horrors HYDRA had put him through and terrible crimes he had been forced to commit. On Bucky’s bad days, Steve felt despair curl into its familiar spot in his heart.

Some part of him couldn’t let go of the image he had in his mind of his best friend and this new version just didn’t live up to what he expected him to be. Steve knew that was messed up. Of course, Buck was different. Being a brainwashed assassin for 70 years would do that. But thanks to the help of their friends in Wakanda, he’d been assured that all the brainwashing had been removed. Therefore, he’d hoped that the Bucky he’d known would return. And that all would go back to how it had been; him and Buck together through everything.

When he hadn’t, Steve could barely bear to be around him. Bucky hated to admit it, but it hurt. Knowing that his best friend was constantly disappointed in who he was. Seeing the corny smile slip off his face and his brow furrow when he thought Bucky wasn’t looking. Hence, Bucky tried to stay out for as long as possible, roam as far away from the Tower before Steve’s helicopter parent instincts kicked in. It was almost ironic that little Steve, well, not so little anymore, was the one looking out for him.

It should have been the other way round.

Therapy had been a word that Steve had offered up one day, accompanied with a shy smile. The team had a great one and Steve had been sure that no one would mind if Bucky booked a slot with her, he’d assured firmly. And thus, Bucky had instantly agreed, if not only to keep that smile on Steve’s face for a bit longer. To offer him hope that maybe one day he’d become the man Steve so desperately wanted him to be. The beaming grin in response had made the decision worthwhile; he wasn’t sure if he’d seen Steve that happy since regaining some sort of control over his brain again. He just hoped that he’d achieve whatever high expectation Steve held for this session.

Which was why Bucky was here. Opposite you, wearing a thick sweater in the summer sun to cover up his arm and lessen any fears you may have in response to seeing him. He had to remind himself that although you were a therapist, you were still just a civilian. And the media had not been kind to him.

“So, Mr Barnes, would you like a drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?” Your question takes him by surprise, that much is obvious in the small movement of his eyebrows, although the rest of him stays perfectly composed. He didn’t know what to expect from therapy, maybe something a bit more Good Will Hunting-esque. Or simply some talking, a Eureka-like moment and all problems instantly solved.

“Um, coffee would be nice… thank you. Black, no sugar.” When you got up to make it, he was even more confused. Why wouldn’t you just have a pot ready? Surely it would detract from the time with the client to have to fiddle around with the pot and sorting out the coffee granules.

The silence as they both waited for the pot to boil was deafening and Bucky soon found himself looking around the tiny yellow room with its monochromatic knick-knacks. Everything in here was sleek, almost succinct in its manner of serving a purpose and nothing more. The plain blue and white clock on the wall was geometric and placed directly next to three perfectly straight wooden shelves, each one painted a cool white.

Once the pot had boiled, Bucky found himself holding a steaming mug with a soppy depiction of a cartoon duckling on it. I Love Ducks More Than Humans, it loudly proclaimed. It felt out of place in this impersonal room, filled with items of purpose not decoration.

“Mr Barnes-”

“Please, call me Bucky.” He interrupted instinctively, smiling to ease the rudeness of his outburst. “Mr Barnes was my father and Lord knows how long he’s been dead.”

“Bucky, would you mind telling me what brought you to therapy?” Your grin is easy and genuine, putting him at ease as he leans back into the couch.

What had brought him to therapy? Bucky wasn’t sure of the answer himself; he didn’t have much of a reason except trying to change himself for Steve. But that wasn’t the answer you would be looking for, and there was no need to add another potential problem to his already mile-long list, starting with daddy issues, skimming over the numerous previous job-related traumas and now ending at fear of not being enough for his best friend. “I suppose it was Steve. He was worried for me and suggested therapy, so I wanted to give it a try.”

“But what do you want to get out of therapy? Not what your friend wants, you personally.”

Bucky hesitated. He knew that opening up would be good, and something about the simplicity of the place made it feel a lot easier to tell the whole truth to someone. “I don’t feel like myself, or who I used to be anymore. I’ve changed but people don’t seem able to see that.”

“I understand. It must be really difficult to not feel understood, can you tell me more?” Your voice was sweet, coaxing him to say more. It made his skin crawl, he felt like he was back at HYDRA with one of their ‘therapists’ who would coerce him into revealing information he wasn’t supposed to know and then they would wipe him, the excruciating pain reminding him that he couldn’t trust a therapist.

But these sessions were meant to help him. And so, he went back the next week, nodding with a fixed smile when Steve asked him how they were going. ‘Great.’ And the grin that Stevie gave him made it all seem like a good idea. Even though he felt like a cornered animal in the sessions.

It wasn’t your fault. You were lovely as far as he was concerned, but the way you spoke to him to get him to open up made him want to dive out the nearest window just to escape. And all this simmering frustration came to a head when you asked him a pointedly blunt question, nothing like the previous ones that had all danced around the topic.

“Bucky, I can tell that you’d rather not be here and we’re not making any progress unless you talk to me. What did HYDRA do to make you so afraid of what I’m asking you?”

Bucky froze, resentment bubbling up as he tried to regulate the words that were threatening to spit themselves out of his mouth. To attack her for not knowing. How could you know? How could you not? It was all over his file, the torture he’d undergone, and you had the audacity to ask what made him ‘so afraid’.

“You know what,” Bucky grimaced, biting down hard on his tongue.

“Bucky, please. I’m here to help. Please don’t shut me out because I haven’t understood you yet.” Her eyes pleaded with him to just give it a shot and he shuddered. He’d seen that expression before. It had usually twisted into a smirk as he was dragged away for yet another excruciating memory wipe.

“Maybe I don’t want your help. Maybe I’ve just been forced to come here but it’s turning out to be useless.” He bit back, hand clenching around the porcelain mug.

Your mouth opened and closed without a sound, face pulling into an awkward smile as you tried to soothe his raised temper. The longer you kept eye contact, the further your face fell and you gulped, throat clenching harshly.

Crash. The mug was crushed between his fingers and the tension was broken. You exhaled shakily, brushing your clammy palms against your long skirt. Bucky could hear your pounding heartrate from where he sat, a good few yards away. It filled him with remorse, like a splash of water to the face. He refused to be that person anymore

“I’ll grab a dustpan.” You smiled weakly, quickly moving out of his line of vision. Bucky didn’t move an inch, eyes staring blankly at where you’d sat. A shuffling noise by his feet startled him as you crouched down, scooping the shards up. He should be the one doing that, he realised.

“I’m afraid that’s the end of our session. But I do hope that you’ll come back next week, even if it feels like we’re getting nowhere.”

Guilt gnawed at Bucky as he nodded stiffly, making his way out the door without a single word. He turned round to say something to you, but when confronted with your face, he found he was unable to.

And the next week he was back. He would compare it to a drug, his inability to quit it, but that would imply that he enjoyed or craved therapy. He liked the way Steve seemed hopeful, less cautious around him. He liked your company, in a way. But he couldn’t stand the endless questions.

He was early, sat on one of the short armchairs stationed around her office. The person before him was loud, talking angrily about not being able to deal with it anymore and how he just couldn’t look at somebody. Was therapy meant to be that aggressive sounding? Your mild-mannered voice was much fainter and Bucky physically had to stop himself from leaning in to eavesdrop.

The door slammed open only moments later, Steve storming out and you hurriedly following him. When his eyes fell upon Bucky, he deflated, feet stuttering to a halt.

“I can’t do this.” His voice cracked as he spun round to look at you, eyes wild and frantic. Bucky frowned. “Buck, I can barely look at you without feeling like a failure. I thought once you’d had the brainwashing removed, you’d be back to normal. But you’re still not and…”

Bucky’s heartbeat was deafening in his ears, blood roaring as he drowned out the rest of Steve’s excuses. His eyes focused in on your face, patronizingly, mockingly sympathetic and he clenched a fist subconsciously. Some sort of exclamation from Steve at the sight of it caused him to forcibly relax all muscles, relieving any underlying tension that might still be visible. It did nothing to quell the sickening sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, throat clenching as he tried to swallow an invisible block.

“I’m going to go.” Steve brushed past him, not even looking back once.

Did he feel any remorse? Bucky wondered, a bitter taste on his tongue. Any sadness? Guilt? Anything about telling Bucky that he couldn’t deal with this PTSD-riddled version? He never thought that Steve, who stood up to every bully and against anything and everything morally wrong, would turn his back on him just for not being the man he once was.

“Bucky?” Your tentative voice broke him out of his reverie, your vibrant yellow skirt cheerily mocking him.

“You did this.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. There was only one person who could have twisted Steve’s mind, who could have turned the one person that Bucky always thought would have his back against him.

“No.” You were defensive, suspiciously so, your posture stiff. You sighed, turning back to head into your office. “Will you come in?”

“I don’t need your help. You’ve already done enough. Aren’t you sick of destroying lives by twisting people’s emotions? Do you enjoy playing the saviour in order to create chaos?”

Your face fell at his words and Bucky felt a vindictive joy at the sight. He knew that it was unfair to enjoy seeing your cheery façade slipping, but he couldn’t help it. It was as if something deep inside him was egging on the cruel remarks on the tip of his tongue, begging him to cut deep with his words.

“Bucky, I won’t force you to come in, but my office is always a safe space for you to enter. Always.”

You turned with a forced smile, although it was more of a grimace, shoulders slumping as the door swung shut in Bucky’s face. He could hear a muffled sob through the door and a towering wave of icy guilt crashed down upon him, clearing the red haze.

He hadn’t meant to make you cry; it was just that… he wanted someone else to feel the same as he did.

He wanted someone else to get punished for Steve’s actions.

Bucky raised a metal fist, sleeve slipping down over his wrist as he hovered in front of the door. He wanted to offer some sort of apology, and comfort, because it clearly wasn’t your fault. Bucky had easily overlooked the months of awkward silences and faked smiles between him and Steve, but something had been wrong for a while.

It wasn’t your fault Steve was unable to let go of the past.

“Just give me a sec,” your voice quavered with a sniffle. A sharp burst of shame startled Bucky and he wheezed quietly, clutching at his left shoulder. The door tentatively swung open in front of him, your puffy face forcing a watery smile. “Oh. Bucky.”

“I’m sorry.”

His abrupt sentence startled you, a flicker of confusion flashing across your face. Bucky didn’t know whether he should feel worse about the fact that his apology was such a surprise to you, or just accept the fact that he’d been a complete and utter dick to you.

“It wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have just blamed you because you were there. I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you and I’m sorry.”

You blinked at him owlishly.

What else did you want him to say? Bucky shifted onto his left foot, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Do you want-“ “I’m just-“

Bucky shared a hesitant chuckle with you as your sentences tripped over each other’s. He gestured for you to continue speaking, unable to help the small smile that crept onto his face.

“Do you want to come in?”

Now, sat on the little white couch, steaming mug of coffee in his hands, Bucky looked at your hopeful face. You had assured him that you hadn’t meant to push last week and that you would go at the pace he felt comfortable with. This session you were starting off with his childhood and then, slowly, over time, trying to work your way to the present. Together.

Maybe therapy wasn’t so bad.

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get - Chapter One: Barnes

Summary: Bucky has been through so much in his life, but something brings him back home and he’s forced to face his past. [prompt: Small Town Lovers AU]

Part: 1/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader [AU]

Warnings: mentions of loss and past trauma

Word count: 3,243

A/N: Alrighty folks, here it is! Part 1! 

~

Welcome to Brightbarrow. Home of small-town comfort and hospitality. 

“Home sweet home.” His eyes scanned over the letters like they were those in a chapter of an old book from his childhood. A chapter he had closed and hidden away.

With the sun rising the place looked like a picture-perfect postcard, one he had received at least 3 times over the years. A final deep breath released as he pressed his foot down on the gas. 

Crossing the town line the guilt in his heart began to increase its density, tugging him into the depths of the land. It had been 10 or so years since he had lived in Brightbarrow, residing overseas and then in New York. He had almost missed the calm of the rural town, however, the noise of New York did something this town never could. It cleared his mind, put it in focus. Until he began to discover that loss followed him wherever he went and not even the noise of New York could drown it out.

Something in his heart called him back. Back to where it all began. To where he had made the best and worst kind of memories, hoping the comfort would creep back into his soul.

The light began to reflect off the glass of the shops, splashing warm colors across the bricks and the side panels of each storefront. Oranges, reds and yellows melded into golden and rosy colors of the early morning. The beams of light painting the daycare where he learned the alphabet, the bookstore where he had his first kiss, the alleyways he ducked into on the nights he got into fights. 

There were so many memories throughout the town, flashes of his youth running wild in his mind as he slowly rolled on by. Images of smiles in his mind and laughter ringing in his ears. His heart softened at the sensation. It was hard to imagine he'd ever want to leave this place. But he had. Desperately. 

A picturesque town that had become too suffocating for him to stand. So he walked away, found work in the big apple, and did his best not to look back. He kept himself busy to repress the guilt and avoid the hole that was growing inside of him. Christmas used to be the only time he came back here, and that had been enough. Well, not for him. Or his mother. But enough to keep from losing contact altogether. 

It’s still too early for any other cars to be on the road, most shops not opening for a few more hours and yet another set of headlights met his in a quick pass by. The blue Chevy Cruze turned down a side street that led to the highway, someone was leaving town. He only knew one family who left town at this ungodly hour, and he knew the driver of that specific car. It’s a small town, everyone knows everyone here. A blessing and a curse.

“James?” Her eyes were bewildered, her brow knit together in a perplexed manner as she peered at her son from behind the door. “Are you…”

“I’m home Mama. For good.” In a lightning-quick moment, the door was flung open and he was ensnared into his mother’s arms, her hold on him tight as though she feared he’d slip away if given the chance. “Woah, I still need air Mom.”

“Oh you hush now, cooped up in that smoggy city for years with hardly a phone call here and there. I will hug you in the manner I wish and you will deal.” Her voice was firm in its demand, nothing much changed. “Now you come inside, your brothers will bring your things in.”

“Yes, ma’am.” 

Hardly a thing had changed since he left, the first or second time, each picture frame and piece of furniture was exactly where it had been 10 years ago. It was almost a haunting depiction of the place he knew, a place stuck in time. Ever since his father’s death when he was 13 this place had remained exactly as it was and that didn’t settle well with him.

Only two or three frames where ones he did not recall ever laying eyes on, though his typical visits were not lengthy and he did his best not to pay much attention to the place. They could be old, new, or somewhere in between for all he knew. All but one held a photo he recognized, one held a picture of him in army uniform and the other was an old photo of his father in his navy attire.  However, it was the last photo that held his attention because it included a non-family member.

For some reason, he didn’t recall a photo being taken of him at the time, but here it hung upon his mother’s wall. A 12-year-old James Buchanan Barnes with an 11-year-old Y/N Fairfield on his back, his gaze glancing over his shoulder at her features, her dimples indicating that she had been laughing as he paraded her around. Her smile was bright but his was, in a rare moment, equally so. His chest grew tight at the memory of such simpler times, such endless delight and friendship. Times he knew he’d never get back.

“That was one of the last days I saw you smiling so carefree, so light.” His mother’s fingers gently run over the glass covering the photo, her eyes sad and tired. “Come to think of it, it's one of the last times I saw her that happy. One of the last times you asked her over before you closed yourself off.”

“I didn’t mean to.” His mother cupped his cheek in her hand and caressed his cheek, a soft smile tainted by longing stretching across her face. 

“I know sweetheart, I miss him every day. But I don’t want you to hide yourself away anymore, no one in this town holds it against you. His death hit this place like a hurricane and we’re still recuperating.” She disappears into the kitchen and he’s left staring at the memories he had fought so hard to ignore. Guilt once more crept into his heart.

That night he missed the muted noise of the city as he tossed and turned restlessly for hours. His mind was crowded with memories and reminders of his past, of his mistakes, and of his greatest regret. 

“Not that one Buck, next to it.” His fingers fiddled with the tools before him, eyes searching for the one he needed. As his little hands grabbed ahold of the proper tool he turned to face his instructor whose eyes watched him with a soft pride. His father smiled with a curt nod. “Bring it here buddy. I’ll show you how it works.”

When he reached his father the image moved, the warm tones shifting into cooler ones as the sky lit up with stars. His eyes wandered about as he gawked at the constellations, blissfully unaware of anything else. A set of hands covered his eyes and muttered a guess who, his heart racing at the sound of the voice. 

“Daddy!” He turned to hug his father, who had just returned from a trip out of town, holding tightly to his legs. 

“Come on buddy, I’ll show you some new ones.” His father lifted him up onto his torso and began to point at different constellations, each came with a story and a name. Most he would later forget but there was one star he never did.

“You see that big star right there?” He nodded, eyes fixated upon the glowing object. “That’s the North Star. I want you to remember something when you look at it…”

A loud clang erupted outside his room startling him to his feet, dressing at a rapid rate to investigate. His baby sister sat in the hall rubbing one of her ankles and muttering to herself in an annoyed tone. He cleared his throat and her eyes snapped up to meet his, a gasp escaping her lips before a smile overtook her features. 

“Bucky! I thought Ma was messing with us, but then I saw your car outside. Jake and Nick are already bringing things in, I was on my way to wake you.” Bucky shook his head and smiled at her incredulously.

“Mission accomplished Becca.” She smirked but narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him. He leaned forward and offered his hand which she reluctantly accepted, picking up the objects that fell from one of the many boxes littering the hall. “These geniuses didn’t think to just place them in my room?”

Becca shrugged before disappearing down the stairs while Bucky began to move box after box alongside the empty wall by his closet. He opened each in search of his clothes before grabbing a clean set and hopping into the shower. Downstairs smelt of bacon and eggs, a lone plate sitting upon the counter wrapped to keep it fresh, a note stuck to the saran wrap. 

Enjoy breakfast! Had to open the diner. Love, Mom.

Today he had to find a job, some way to maintain a steady income so he could get out of the house. As much as he loved his mother’s cooking and how nice it would be to wake to this every day, he couldn’t. Every hall, room, and picture frame held a story that reminded him of what he had lost and he wasn’t sure how long he could stomach it.

He left his keys behind, opting to walk the sidewalks instead. The sun warmed his skin, heating him under its blazing focus and forcing him to duck into the nearest place for a drink. The corner store, Oasis, was nearly empty this time of day with only a few stragglers not yet at the diner for breakfast or brunch. He was grateful to be berated by only two or three people throwing out where have you been’s and ‘how’s New York?’. 

He eyed store windows for signs, the occasional curious neighbor popping out the door to chat. A few sent him about the town and soon enough word was out that he was in the market for a job. Things always spread like wildfire here, everyone knew about everything before too long. Hilda and Denise were no help in the matter, being the town gossips and all. He knew they were his best shot and yet he still approached the two elderly women with caution.

“James Barnes? Is that you sweet pea? Come give us a hug dear it’s been far too long.” Denise smiled mischievously, a twinkle in her eye. 

“Ladies, I’m in need of your expertise.” The two women giggled in response, proclaiming how flattered they were to be sought out. “I am in need of a job.”

“We know handsome, and you’re in luck. I hear that Thomas Geldin is looking for a worker, he’s putting up some new housing down the way.” She’s leaning forward like it's some secret she isn't supposed to know much about. “Lucky for you he’s in your momma’s diner at this very moment.”

“Thank you ladies, your ears are a gift.” They wave him off with tender smiles before turning back to chatting, an occasional glance through the window behind the bench.

He barely makes it through the door before he’s swept aside by his brother, Nick, sitting him at the counter a few stools away from Thomas himself. Nick returns to the register but turns to face Bucky, his features implying that he’s waiting for something.

“What’s with the look, Nick?” 

“Why are you back?” Nick’s eyes are locked onto his older brother, Bucky squirming a little under the intensity. “Couldn’t break mom’s heart any longer?”

“I’m sorry, I never meant to. I just couldn’t stay here and I had to get out.” He tried to convey his guilt to his little brother, the regret of leaving them all behind.

“So you’re here to stay?” Nick eyed him warily as he began his routine counter wipe-down. “No running off again when it gets real?”

“No. I’m getting a job and I’m gonna move into one of the open townhouses.” His little brother remains skeptical, but nods. “I swear, I’m not abandoning anyone again.”

“Good.” His brother smiled softly, a pinch of uncertainty hidden in his eyes. “You want anything?”

True to his word he got a job in labor from Thomas Geldin, the pay enough to rely on that he could put a down payment on his new home. His mother insisted he stay for dinner and one last night before his brothers helped him move his things in, the next day. After an exhausting day’s work unloading the boxes that contained his life and beginning on some alterations, Bucky treated his little brothers to pizza and some beer. They sat telling stories of the past year, confiding and binding in ways they hadn’t since they were children. For once, he felt like he had made the right decision.

With his sleep pattern already going to hell, he sat in his window seat, eyes scanning over the vast array of stars splattered across the sky. Finding the North Star once more provided the lifelong comfort his father had given him, the last piece of him he had. The last comfort.

Across the street he noticed a single light flicker on, a figure moving across the room and back again several times before it went dark again. A few minutes later he watched a woman he hadn’t seen in years pile into her car and pull away from the curb and drive off.

Y/N Fairfield lived just across the street from his new home, and the sight of her brought back emotions he’d long forgotten.

Bucky was restless and his first day of work was tomorrow, he needed to tire himself out and so he opted to take a late-night walk around town. The dark shadows on the empty town reminded him of a ghost town. Not a soul was in sight, apart from the wandering man who couldn’t seem to keep himself asleep. He was exhausted physically by the time he returned, his mind still filled to the brim. 

Headlights created a glow around him, bouncing off the buildings and almost blinding his vision momentarily. He couldn’t help but glance across the street at her, his eyes watching as she emerged from the vehicle in scrubs looking exhausted. Her eyes flitted up almost as if she could sense his gaze on her, brow knitting at the sight before her. She took a moment to look him over before sending a lazy wave, eyes reflecting the sadness he felt inside as he looked upon her with immense guilt.

He turned away after she entered her building and made his way up to his room where he flopped onto his bed and slowly fell into a decent sleep.

At his lunch break, he wandered back into town, Donny’s Crafty Tools catching his eye, and reminded him of the work he still had to do after his shift. Hilda and Denise chatted him up before letting him enter the shop, the bell ringing as he stepped over the threshold. His eyes fell on the one person in town he kept constant contact with, the only one who knew he was coming home. 

“Steve.” His best friend’s back is to him, his focus shattered the moment Bucky’s voice sounds out, turning about and pulling him into a hug.

“It’s good to see you, Buck. Been way too long.” When they parted he motioned toward the pile of envelopes littering his desk.

“Far too long, I’ve missed you too. How have things been?” Steve’s cheeks flush as Bucky picks up a photo from the counter. “Must be pretty good if you got pretty women sending you photos, and I don’t blame ‘em you’ve grown so much since high school.”

Steve was different than he was back then, less antsy to get into fights defending others and trying to do the right thing. He seemed more level-headed, the kind to talk someone down from a fight or inspire them to be better. The skinny little guy who would pounce on a guy harassing a girl had become the man who would inspire strength in those being victimized.

And now? Now he had fallen in love with a woman who could hold her own, nothing but respect for her strength and confidence in her value as a person. This woman had a hand in inspiring him to be a source of inspiration himself.

Bucky had to meet this girl one day and thank her for helping his best friend in realizing what was in him all along, and showing him how to use his influence. That was something Bucky never had the ability to do.

“I met her during a semester abroad, London.”

“Oh yeah? How was art school?” Steve shrugged, nothing too huge about it but now he had the skill to make art people buy on the regular. “What’s her name?”

“Peggy Carter. She works in a British intelligence agency, kind of a total badass.” Bucky watches Steve smile softly at the photo, a longing in his eyes. 

“Just your type.” Steve shoved his shoulder and placed the photo on his desk. “Care to help me with some remodeling later?”

“Anytime. Just give me a call.” Bucky gave him a clap on the shoulder before bidding him farewell and making his way to the door. “And Buck?”

“Yeah.” One hand on the door, he turns to look back at Steve whose face turns serious. 

“Don’t be a stranger.” Bucky doesn’t need to ask what he means, he knows exactly who Steve is talking about. The missing member of their old trio.

“She’s not going to want to see me after what I did.” Steve’s eyes soften, shaking his head in disagreement.

“You can’t know that. Just promise me if you run into her you’ll try?” Bucky shifts his weight, unsure he could handle that interaction. “For me?”

“I promise.” Exiting the store he waved the ladies goodbye and rushed to the diner for the last 20 minutes of his break, his promise taking over his focus the rest of the day.

How could she ever forgive him for cutting her out of the picture, like an unwanted memory? But he had to do it. There was no other way.

Y/N Fairfield was a different kind of friend than Steve because while Steve had been there since they were babies, Y/N appeared out of nowhere. Steve lost his father before he was born and his mother passed while Bucky was overseas, so they had always had a shared experience and connection. 

But Y/N? She was an anomaly in his life, not his friend like Steve because there were few kids in town and they had stuck up for one another. No, she met him by chance, their parents not friends but friendly enough to invite one another to parties out of hospitality. One trip to the diner and they were inseparable, almost as much as he and Steve were. 

But he could never get too close, not after the warning he was given. The reminder that echoes in his head from time to time. 

You never know, it could be possible.

~

Tags: @qtmeryr @broken-hearted-barnes @asphalt-cocktail @gstran18​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @just-trying-to-survive-marvel​

If you want to join the series tag send an ask!

[bplushb-blog]

the comedy and investigation of modern romance

the image of love

If I were to ask you to close your eyes and picture the word love, you might revisit a particular childhood memory of watching morning cartoons with your mother as you eat breakfast together on the sofa. You watch as the cat chases the mouse, and she watches you: her progeny. In the warmth of her smile, something you took for granted at the time, you notice that the crows feet on the corners of her eyes have crept deeper into her skin over the years and the greys of her hair accumulated. This is her - the first woman, possibly the first person you’ve ever fallen in love with. The innocence of it, the unnamed feeling that you didn’t even bother to inspect. Juxtaposed to the realities of now - how cocked full of weight that memory has after everything you’ve witnessed since.

Possibly, the next thing you think of is the dog you had at the age of 14, and how long you held his head on your lap as it passed from this life to the next, how you ran your fingers through their coat for the last time. This time you remember the tears that rolled down your cheeks and the dry-heaving that comes along with tears. Furthermore, how the memory of wet cheeks and heavy breathing used to mean your companion’s excited breath and drool on your face. But in front of you is only the husk of a stranger, not the family member you grew accustomed to and became intimate with. This is your first experience with losing a loved one.

the dissection of love

These two forms of love seem to come so naturally for most of us with no preconceived notions - we know how to approach our parents in ways that would trigger a positive reaction, know what games our pets love to play. This may be a byproduct of us being so young when we learned these motions, making them seem natural, or that it’s difficult to love wrong towards these specific objects of affection, but why is romantic love the exception? Why does it more often than not, come so awkwardly at first - why do we trip over our words and our feet when approaching someone we deem desirable...? Why was the most horrific memory of middle school my attempt to buy a girl chocolate and flowers, only to eat the chocolate and run away with the tiny bouquet I crushed in my pockets? In hind-sight that was hilarious but it definitely wasn’t funny before.

From before the age we are taught to read, we are already exposed to a flurry of movies, music, and books that show us this deeper sense of connection. Our favorite kid’s movies are full of them - Disney being a popular example, having an expansive library full of stories where princes save princesses from their harrowing clutches. This only develops even more as we grow up. We hear about the “effortless” love that is portrayed by Romeo and Juliet, only to later be revealed to us in our high-school English classes that they caused the death of 6 people. Countless stories depict a love that comes easily with problems easily resolved, and its other facets unexplored - i.e time and how it affects relationships. In movies and books, we often only see the early stages of love, showing us its highest of highest but often never its lowest and what comes after. Expectations are often unrealistic and Romance is often romanticized. How differently would we love if we weren’t already so saturated with its idea? How often would we fumble and fall?

Without high expectations set by the big screen, perhaps it would become easier to show our love with less fear, having no prepossessed idea of a “picture perfect romance.” There would be no right way to approach a girl, no wrong time to begin planning for a future shared. Maybe we would love more purely. But... it is also a possibility that we get lost without a proper guide in our romantic endeavors; perhaps these old practices have remained mostly the same due to their effectiveness. To show how this might be a legitimate scenario, I propose looking at how people in the 21st century have only recently began to enforce and advertise the idea of mental stability. We do not see this same sense of importance in introspection in the past like we do today. People were shunned into institutions and deemed as unfit, unimportant, and unworthy of society if mental issues arose. Perhaps we just have to pick and choose what works for ourselves and disregard what doesn’t.

But what do you think? How would a world without preconceived ideas of love look like?

-- S

[msqueent90]

today always seems so far away

Yesterday was hard, one of the harder days. I’m not sure if my mind just released all the negative it had from the last month, i’m not sure if i really reached a breaking point. Today i awoke a bit more positive, at least trying. I find hard days to make for better ones and i find ”weak” days to be motivation and very necessary. I get as many as i need and i remind myself i come first even when i’m last, its ok to turn off. Its ok to feel low and not want to leave that space. Just remember to wake up from it whenever youre ready and keep going, throw on the positive vibes and go! With that said, home chores await, maybe a walk to the store. Maybe…

[writing-ideas-inc]

Prompt

You wake up in a golden room, and a note on the table explains that you’ve been selected to be the new cursed genie. When the bell rings you must come out of the room and fulfill whatever wish you are asked to complete, but twist the words and make it jinxed. The bell rings; your first victim has arrived.

- submission by justtryingtowrite on Instagram

[importantmilkshakedetective]

A stranger: “Why do you make people laugh? Is it to make them think you are funny or is it because you are funny.”

Me: “I make other people laugh to make them feel joy and happiness, something I haven’t felt in a while. You know what they say, ‘You get what you give.’ I hope that one day this will be worth it. One day, someone will come into my life just to make me laugh.”

Stranger: “So that’s what this is all about? Some selfish motive to get someone to cheer you up?”

Me: “No. It’s my way to cry out. I am crying out through their laughter.”  

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get -  Chapter Two: Fairfield

Summary: Y/N Fairfield has spent the last 10 years pushing past all the hurt and putting all her focus into her career. A familiar face back in town threatens the peace she found. [prompt: Small Town Lovers AU]

Part: 2/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (AU)

Warnings: at a hospital, mentions of death and abandonment

Word count: 3,198

A/N: It’s been a wild week but here it is, chapter two! Enjoy! Special thanks to @wxntersoldiers​ for beta reading.

~

“Y/N? You think you could pick up my shift tonight? Missy is running a fever and I can’t get ahold of my mother to come take care of her.” Holding the phone away from her face Y/N sighed heavily as she rolled out of bed.

“Of course Dawn, just call in for me and tell them I’m on my way would ya? Thanks, it’s no biggie. I’m happy to help, let me know how Missy is doing later.” Hanging up the phone she’s up and changing in a flash, quickly moving across her apartment and back. 

Within 6 minutes she’s in her scrubs and locking her apartment door, rushing down the stairs and out the front in another 3. She slides into the driver's seat, buckles in, and on the road to the highway in record time. 

This was becoming a routine every week, someone would have an emergency and she’d be asked to pick up the slack. Her regular shifts at the ER in town kept her busy through the day, but her Thursday or Friday nights were often filled up by favors and desperate calls. She had a limit though, each person could only ask her one favor a month and she would cover one emergency. But when the emergencies came she could tell when they were real or just another masked favor. So by now the only emergency usually came from a mother whose kid was hurt or sick. 

Pulling into the employee parking lot, she exited her car and speed walked into the building, making her way to the sign in at the station. She prayed this would be a tame night and that Dawn didn’t have any difficult new patients because she was far too tired to argue about something that she was more of an expert on. 

Covering for Dawn was usually not too bad, most of her patients typically being older and gentle folk who treated her like a loving grandkid. Always gave her some nickname, rarely ever calling her nurse or even her name. All of which was fine by her.

Being a nurse hadn’t always come easy for her, remembering all the medications, the proper doses, the schedules, and how to do every aspect of her job was a lot to take in. But the moments in which she connected with a patient were the reason she got into the specific role in the medical field. Well that and her father.

Most of her family had joined the field, all three of her brothers had either become paramedics or a physical therapist. Her mother was the chief physician at the ER in Brightbarrow and her father was a private care nurse typically working with elderly or terminal members of the town. On a few occasions he had brought her along to see his patients, acting as a distraction for those who were living with severe pain. Through these visits in her childhood she began to realize how she enjoyed helping people who were hurting, and giving them a sense of peace for a little while.

One college degree later and she was back in town applying to work in the ER, her scheduled shifts hardly ever including weekends unless someone needed a cover and she was the only one who could spare the time. Her work there was routine, but here at this hospital outside town? She had found some gentle souls that brightened her day.

“Oh my, is that you Sunshine?” Claudia was sitting up in the hospital bed, remote in her hand to flip through the limited channels. “What a lovely surprise.”

“How are we tonight? Take our medicine okay today?” Claudia smirks and nods, the crinkles in the corners of her eyes forming as a flicker of mischief shines in her eyes. “Mhhmm.”

“I have somethin’ for ya sunshine. Made it yesterday when they let me do some crafts.” Claudia reaches to the table rolled off to the side of her bed and picks up a bracelet with rainbow thread. Y/N walks over to the woman and allows her to gently tie off the multicolored bracelet around her wrist. “There, perfect size.”

“Thank you Claudia, that’s awfully kind of you.” A smile is shared between the two before Y/N motions for her to hand over the remote. “Now how about we shut this off and I read you a little something so you can doze off, sound good?”

“Only if it's that one you told me about, the one with the little guys.” Y/N chuckled at the description but nodded in agreement nonetheless as she powered down the television and left to get her novel. 

“Alright get comfy now.” She waited for Claudia to adjust her bed and helped her with the pillows before cracking open the small book and beginning the tale. “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.”

“Ah that’s what they were, that’s right. Hobbits.”

At the end of her shift Y/N was exhausted and ready for bed, doing her best to keep wide awake on her drive back by playing her dad’s favorite rock station. Thankfully it did the trick and she made it into town without issue, turning down the volume and switching stations as she made her way through the town like she’d done a million times before.

Turning onto her street she was perplexed to notice a man walking the sidewalks this late in the night, his movements slow and steady. The closer she got to him the sooner she realized she knew exactly who the man was and she had some theories about what was keeping him up so late. Pulling to the side of the road she exited her car, slamming the door shut behind her before glancing up to meet the gaze of a man she hadn’t seen in ages.

Bucky Barnes stood across the street staring at her like he’d seen a ghost, his features painted with something along the lines of guilt or sorrow. The man was frozen in place by her, his eyes watching as she raised a sleepy hand to wave at her old friend. To her surprise he waved back and yet he didn’t move a muscle as she turned away from him to head to bed. 

The next morning she woke late, the Saturday sun shining through the cracks of her blinds stirring her from her sleep. Her stomach grumbled, craving some of Winifred Barnes’ cooking ASAP. Instead of driving she opted to walk over there, let the sun and the exercise wake her a little more.

Winnie’s Diner was the town staple, the place that every person went at least a few times a week. It was the kind of business that had become the heart of the town, the comfort and hospitality center. If you wanted to get a feel for the town you didn’t have to look any further than this diner, it was where Y/N had gotten her first job. She had one of her first dates in a corner booth and had been stood up in another. This building was a hub of memories, good and bad.

“Hey Y/N! Have a seat. I'll be right with you girl.” Becca was zooming around the place in a graceful hurry, placing plates and clearing tables as she went. “What can I get ya?”

“A coffee, a biscuit, some bacon, and an update. Please.” She watched as her best friend shook her head with a reluctant nod before dropping off the order. 

Once the coffee was poured she told her brother she was taking her 15 and slid into the other half of the booth. Y/N sat patiently, prepping her coffee as she waited for Becca to collect her thoughts.

“He’s back for good, got a job working for Thomas Geldin constructing those new homes over by your parent’s house.” Sipping her coffee Y/N did her best not to allow her emotions to betray her. 

“What changed?” 

“Not sure. He seems different, like his load is heavier. Almost like he was when Daddy died, just emotionally cut off and distant. But he is making an effort to get closer and he comes in here every day for his lunch break. Which is in a few minutes now.” Y/N coughed, nearly choking on her coffee as her eyes went wide. 

“Sneak.”

“Hey don’t look at me, you two just are fated to dine at the same time.” Becca smirks before rushing off to grab something to eat before her break ends. 

She hadn’t actually spoken a word to Bucky since he came back to town, and yet he suddenly lived across the street and worked by her old home. Now he would be here within minutes and she would once more feel compelled to initiate conversation, but she wouldn’t let herself. If he wanted to talk he would approach her, not the other way around. 

He arrived the same time her food did, his eyes scanning the room to presumably locate his sister but freezing on Y/N who sat before her. A mixture of emotions flashed across his features rapidly before settling on a guilt ridden expression. Bucky approached the booth, his sister pausing to greet him and casting a wink over her shoulder before speeding away. Standing before the booth he shifted his weight nervously as he seemed at a loss for what to say. His eyes are no longer able to maintain contact and he casts them to the empty seat.

Don’t invite him. Don’t invite him. It took all her strength to refrain from being polite, her eyes never leaving him as her gaze intensified.

“Mind if I join you?” Her heart dropped, she was expecting a simple hello or quick apology and not a full on meal with the guy. She nodded her head, refusing to take the bait just yet as he slid into the booth.

“Here’s your usual James.” Becca slid a plate with a steak and cheese melt and fries onto the table before rushing off again. She was pushing him, Y/N knew that his mother and the older townspeople were the only ones who used his actual name. To everyone else he was Bucky. 

“I’m sorry about not keeping in touch, there’s been a lot that I had to work through the past 10 years.” God she could hardly believe it had been that long since he left, an entire decade had passed by without him. “Can we start again?”

Once more she had to use all her might to restrain herself from instantly agreeing and forgiving what he had done. She didn’t understand why he cut her off so quickly and completely, their friendship wilting through high school and fading in the decade following. But she knew why he had become so emotionally reserved, after watching his father wither away slowly and gradually lose the ability to even function Bucky had begun to close himself off from everyone. He smiled less, got into more trouble with other kids, and barely made it enough to enlist. 

Sure she had missed him dearly and knew he had suffered greatly, probably even worse after his service, but she couldn’t risk getting too quickly attached again. Not when she knew how much his leaving her behind tore her apart. 

“I’ll have to think about it.” She could see her words striking a nerve within him, his appetite diminishing. “But I’d like to.”

His eyes snap up to meet hers, relief flooding them as he gazes at her fondly. Y/N wanted desperately to forget it all but she knew that proceeding with caution was the best course of action. She would let him have the opportunity to rectify his past mistakes, but it was up to him to take it.

“City noise or quiet town?” He knit his brow and gave her a perplexed look before taking a bite of a fry. “Pick one.”

“I’m not sure I have a preference anymore.”

“But you had one.”

“City noise.” She shook her head with a small smile, curiosity overtaking her careful approach. “Drowned everything out.”

“Patty’s coffee or city coffee?”

“Patty will forever have the world’s best coffee. No one in New York believed me, kept saying European coffee was where it was at.” 

“I’m going to move on before I get so offended I bring her coffee to New York.” Bucky laughed lightly, eyes crinkling shut as he shook his head at her. The sound warmed her heart and she could already tell this was going to be hard not to fall into. 

His break eventually comes close to an end and he has to rush back to work but leaves a napkin with his phone number behind. She shook her head at the gesture, he knew full well that she and Becca were very close friends and she could have gotten his number from his sister. One point to him for ensuring she had it. 

Becca was off at 3 so Y/N spent her time walking around the book shop, glancing at summaries and running her fingers over the spines. Her mind was far too crowded to pick anything out, focused on how she was going to make it through this renewal of friendship after so much pain. This place usually put her at ease, the sight of the full shelves and atmosphere calming her active mind. But today her mind had won and so she wandered around town until she had nowhere else to go but home. 

A knock sounded on her door an hour or two later and an exhausted Becca made her way inside to fall onto the couch and groan dramatically.

“I take it we’re getting pizza from Toni’s tonight?” This catches the attention of her best friend who suddenly perks right up.

“And wine.” Y/N opens her fridge door and pulls out a bottle, holding it up for Becca to see and receives a nod of approval.

“Pull up netflix and I’ll order the pizza.”

Several glasses of wine and pieces of pizza later the two are sitting on the floor going through a shoebox full of old memories. Memories of their friendship. 

“Oh remember this?” Becca holds up two ticket stubs, one to their high school dance and the other to see a Panic! concert. 

“We showed up in full formal wear, not thinking to pack another outfit to change into.” Y/N dug in the box and produced a photo of the two from that night, Panic! at the Disco tour shirts over their dresses. “I can’t believe we didn’t get caught until your mom saw the shirt in your laundry.”

“Almost the perfect crime. Kind of dumb of us to pay the money for the ticket when we never even went to the dance though.” The two fell into a fit of giggles and struggled to compose themselves. “We were not the best planners apparently.”

“Are you kidding? The College Bar Crawl fiasco?” 

“Oh Jesus, yeah we really should have thought through where we were going to end up staying the night. Next time we do something, we need a fully thought out plan.” 

“Agreed. It’s too dangerous for us to do any less. We might end up in Europe and somehow married.” Becca falls flat on her back as laughter bubbles through her, her head turning and spotting another box under the bed.

“What is this?” She slides the box out and removes the lid before Y/N can stop her, her fingers gingerly sifting through the contents as a smile tugs at her lips. “Oh, you’re a sentimental sap.”

“Gee thanks.” 

Inside were pictures of her, Bucky, and Steve throughout the few years they were all together. She instantly gravitated toward them when she moved to town at 8, sick of being the new girl and ready to settle into a place. They stuck up for her when she was mocked by some older kids, Bucky and Steve became her dearest friends in only a few years. 

There were more photos of her and Steve together, seeing as he was the only one out of the two boys to keep her in his life. Pictures of them at his prom, no girl seemed to see past his physical change and so he invited her. She remembered how her parents felt about that night, so proud of who they thought she was choosing to be with. A boy who was going to college, who had aspirations but remained loyal to his town. One with a kind heart and a gentle soul. She knew what they expected from the night, but they never understood that she and Steve were simply good friends and nothing more.

The photos of her and Bucky begin to dwindle around when she was 13, the year after his father died. Slowly Bucky grew apart from her and Steve, more the former than the latter. Something after her birthday party that year changed everything and she began to lose him piece by piece until he finally enlisted and left altogether. 

She held a photo of the two of them between her fingers, eyes tearing up at the sight of their smiles. It was the day of her party, when she could still make him smile and forget about his troubles even if just for a moment. Bucky had both arms around her torso, his head resting on her shoulder and a bright smile on his face. Her cheek was against his face, hands and arms resting on his forearms with a dopey big smile stretched across her face. 

“I swear I could kill that boy for what he did. I get losing touch while overseas, but cutting you out of his life while still in the same small town? That’s just cruel.” Becca sighed and took the photo from Y/N’s hands, placing everything back in the boxes before sliding both back under. “And to think I used to believe he liked you.”

“That would have made things worse.” 

“C’mon let’s forget about that punk and eat some chocolate.” Y/N leaned into Becca as she was held by her, sighing deeply. “You’ll always have me, and Steve. That boy would rather dive face first out of an airplane than ditch a friend.” 

“Ain’t that the truth.”

After Becca left Y/N spent some time cleaning up after their roller-coaster of a night. Her body was tired but her mind was far too active to rest. Thoughts of what she lost sticking in her brain as she watched out the window as Bucky exited his townhouse and began to walk aimlessly in the night. She almost wanted to join him, not speaking just walking.

Instead she readied herself for bed, lying under the covers and staring out the window at the stars. Her mind traveled to something Bucky once told her about his dad and how if he found the North Star then he would never be alone, because someone else was always looking too. 

And she knew exactly who that was.

~

Tags: @asphalt-cocktail​ @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @gstran18​

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get - Chapter Three: Welcome to Brightbarrow

Summary: Welcome to the town of Brightbarrow, its small and quaint aesthetic draws in many to settle into the comfort it provides. Home to a select group of kind souls.

Part: 3/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (AU)

Warnings: mentions of abandonment, some sad themes, a little drinking

Word count: 3,198

A/N: Thanks again to @wxntersoldiers​ for beta reading! Hope you all enjoy the new chapter!

~

The first place to open in the mornings is the Diner, the Barnes family waking before most of the town to set up and ready for the early rising crowd. A few shop owners, medical staff, and construction crew filter in gradually as the town begins to wake.

Slowly but surely shops begin flipping their signs, a yawn escaping as they stretch out their sluggish and sleepy limbs. Hours pass by and the town comes alive with a steady flow of people off to work or wandering about the shops, the occasional tourist stopping in for directions or a trinket. Everyone had a routine.

It was late afternoon when Y/N finally got time to begin looking into a project for her apartment, stopping by the shop where Steve worked after her shift let off early. 

She couldn’t help but laugh at the sight before her, Denise and Hilda sat on the wooden bench outside the tool and craft shop gazing in the big display window and gabbing about the men inside. She shook her head at the women before approaching.

“What are you two mischief makers up to?” Both women stayed exactly as they were, unaffected by being caught by an onlooker.

“Come sit with us Y/N dear, there are two very fine gentlemen waltzing about the shop.” Y/N reluctantly accepted the invitation, eyes drifted inside the building where Steve and Bucky stood comparing items and having a passive discussion. Neither seemed aware of the three women watching their every move through the front window.

“How often are you two out here?”

“Oh every day love.” Hilda smiled softly at her before sending a wink and returning her attention back to the guys. “Lately we’ve been getting double the beef and muscle.”

“That Barnes boy has grown into such a handsome young gentleman, very blessed in the genetics department.” Denise giggled, Hilda swatting her playfully as they turned their gazes to Y/N and arched a brow expectantly.

“What?” 

“Please tell me you’re making the most of his being back home? You two always have been the cutest thing.” If Y/N had been taking a drink this moment would be the perfect moment for a spit take.

“We’re not a couple.”

“And what a terrible shame that has always been. He’s a lovely specimen.” Denise winked at her before glancing back inside and smiling. 

“I don’t know, I’d say that poor Steven is quite the eye candy. Though it is nice to see a new, but familiar, face around here.”

“You two are shameless.” Hilda and Denis burst out laughing, clutching one another as their smiles stretched across their faces.

“Best way to be sweetheart.” Hilda paused for a moment, glancing over Y/N before getting that mischievous sparkle in her eyes once more. “”Give it a go.”

Y/N shook her head but the two women kept insisting. Gazing through the glass her mind fumbled for something to say that wouldn’t be too much.

“He does have nice eyes.”

“Which one dear?”

“James. I mean Bucky.” Her heart skipped a beat as those very crystal blue irises turned her way, eyes locking onto hers. 

“Ah, that he does. And they’re looking right at you dear, in a very flirtatious manner.” Hilda and Denise sent little waves at Bucky before nudging her.

Y/N mumbled in response her mind elsewhere as she watched Bucky through the window, a smile tugging at his lips. He sent a small wave, which she slowly reciprocated, before turning back to Steve. She stood from the bench and tore her gaze away from the window.

“Oh, god I still need to go inside.”

“Ooh, how unfortunate. Let us know how that goes.” 

“You two are pure chaos.”

“Guilty.” In sync they speak and smirk up at her before turning back to the window.

Entering the store she did her best to keep her gaze away from the two men, focusing on finding the paint color she wanted. Her eyes scanned the swatches for a light purple for her bedroom, eventually a project she wanted to get to when she had an open weekend. Her mind was unable to focus as she overheard the discussion an aisle or two over.

Shaking her head she pulled her focus to the colors in front of her, forcing herself to make a decision. In line she was behind Bucky who leaned against the counter waiting for Steve to return from the back, his arms crossed and eyes closed.

“Long day?” She couldn’t stand there silently waiting for Steve to return, his eyes would have opened and been startled by her lurking form. He was startled nonetheless, but she felt compelled to be polite and not ignore him. Even despite his past mistakes.

“Always is.” 

“Tell me about it. What are you building?” She pointed to the drill set on the counter as his eyes took note of the paint swatches in her hand.

“Bed frame.” Her brow furrowed and he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Haven’t gotten around to actually setting it up yet, easier to move when we are painting. Speaking of which…”

“My room. Paint is chipping and my landlord gave me the greenlight to paint over it.” 

“Purple.” She simply nodded in response, eyes trailing to locate Steve in the back. “Well, if you need any help you know where to find me.”

“Thanks, but I have no idea when I’m going to actually have time to get to it.” He nods solemnly and she feels a prick of guilt in her heart.  “But I’ll give you a call when I know.”

“We can order Toni’s like we used to.” His sweet smile had her nodding along in agreement and entirely missing Steve’s emergence from the back office. “Guess I’ll see you around Fairfield.”

“Keep out of trouble Barnes.” He chuckled and shook his head muttering something about no promises before walking out the door. 

“I swear if you two waltz around the topic you will forever be in the obnoxiously polite conversation stage.” Steve shook his head, marking down her order and writing up a receipt. “And I’m not sure how much of that I can take.”

~

Bucky lay upon his stomach, arms buried beneath the pillow he smushed to his face as he slept. His body sore from the previous week's worth of labor, taking advantage of his day off by sleeping in past breakfast time. Somehow he had actually gotten a decent night’s rest, whether that was from the exhaustion or his reconciliation with Y/N was anybody’s guess. 

He had missed how close they used to be, hating how he had listened to the fear and completely cut her from his life. She was his raft and without her he had been sinking, deeper and deeper until he hit the bottom. He knew full well they could never be anything more, but he hated himself for not allowing a friendship at least. It would have helped him through so much.

In the past few weeks he continuously ran into her at the diner, sharing more meals with her than he ever had before and getting to know her again. The reconnection quelled some of the worries that usually kept his mind awake. His mind was more at ease.

Unfortunately, a knock at his door disturbed his late morning rest and had him shuffling to the door in only sweats. As he opened the door he was hit by a yawn, the chuckle from the otherside of the threshold snapping him out of his daze. Y/N stood awkwardly shifted weight on the balls of her feet, eyes refusing to meet his which made him take notice of her flushed cheeks. He smiled softly down at her.

“Good morning.” She cleared her throat and shook her head as if his voice had shaken her from her discomfort and held an envelope out to him. “What’s this?”

“Your pay, I think. Becca said Thomas dropped it off at the Diner cause he had a busy day out of town and didn’t have time to stop by. She’s working a double today and asked if I could deliver it. So, there you go. Sorry to wake you on your day off.” She spoke fast and he was barely awake enough to keep up, running a hand through his hair and nodding along.

“Thank you. But Becca could have given it to me at dinner tonight.” Her eyes snapped up to meet his, her features painted with shock. 

“Oh.” Her voice was small as she remained frozen in place, unsure how to make a polite exit without just walking away. “Well, um, you’re welcome I guess. I’m gonna go now… see you around…” 

Bucky didn’t even formulate a response before she had already made her way down the sidewalk with one final glance back at him from over her shoulder. Something about their relationship was different, and not just because he had cut her out of his life. It was more about the way she tiptoed around looking at him, and how she avoided eye contact if he was in a tank or less. This hadn’t been the first time she had blushed at the sight of him.

A few days ago Becca had brought Y/N, on her day off, to bring the workers some lunch that his mother had made. When she approached he wasn’t paying much attention and had gone to wipe some of the sweat from his face onto his tank top, exposing his midriff which resulted in a blushing Y/N holding out his portion of the food at a distance. 

Ever since Y/N had been awkward during the first couple of minutes of conversation they had whenever they ran into one another in town. He was baffled, Steve was not.

“Oh, come on you cannot seriously be that thick.” 

“How kind of you to notice. Mind explaining what I’m missing?” Steve sighed heavily, rubbing his hand over his face.

“Listen, you are not an ugly guy alright?”

“Gee thanks buddy, care to elaborate?” Steve was beginning to look as though he wanted to smack Bucky upside the head and be done with it all. 

“She all flustered because you’re an attractive guy constantly showing off your body in front of her.”

“It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose.” Bucky sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “And we both know why that can’t happen.”

“Buck, I don’t want to have that old argument again so can we slow the roll on the girl problems and get to what you need for the house?”

“Alright, alright.”

He paced the floor of his bedroom deep in thought, adrenaline jump starting his anxiety and sending him into panic. The few nights of dreamless sleep had ended in an intense nightmare in which he relived the death of his best friend. They had served together for so long, becoming brothers somewhere in the process. Both moving to New York and sharing an apartment for a while before he was killed in a hit and run. 

Will had pushed him out of the way before the car struck, he was killed on impact. Bucky could still see his lifeless body lying on the asphalt. 

The images flashed in his mind even after waking in a cold sweat, his heart still pounding as he struggled to calm himself. He was panicking and losing all rationality. His fingers dialed the number before his mind could stop him and he saw her racing across the street at a record speed. 

After opening the door he pulled her in and shoved the door shut, his arms wrapping around her torso tightly as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She was in shock for a few moments before she lowered her arms to rest on his bare shoulders and ran a hand up into his hair. Her fingers gently ran through his hair as she whispered comfort in his ear. 

“Hey.” She pulled away from him, hands on the sides of his face and eyes gazing into his fearlessly. “Let’s get you to the couch, yeah?”

Slowly she moved him to where his head lay in her lap, her finger still running through his hair and putting him at ease. When his breathing began to regulate she had him drink a glass of water and watched him nervously. He could tell she was on edge about this, scared for him. And he already regretted bringing her into it.

But she had been the one to comfort his nightmares the first month after his dad died, staying at his house every night. She had been his greatest comfort, and he had repaid her kindness with a knife in the back. It was his greatest regret.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She spoke softly, tone hesitant as she scooted closer to him on the couch. “I think it will help.”

He desperately wanted to avoid the conversation, but he knew it would come up later whether she meant to bring it up or not. Because it was the very reason that New York had lost its charm and he had packed for home. And he wanted her to trust him, to feel like she could call him should she ever need comfort or help. If he didn’t show her that rebuilding was possible she would never trust that they could.

“When I was overseas…” Once he started he couldn’t stop, it had been months of silence and pushing down his pain. Bucky had been hiding his loss from any who didn’t know about Will, even Steve didn’t know the exact context of why he returned.

Though he only spoke one of the secrets he had been keeping, the release of the words felt cathartic. She pulled him into a hug and he immediately knew he had made the right decision. It had been so long since they had talked about anything deeper than small talk or light catch up, he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it. Missed her.

“I’m sorry. I never should have pushed you away.”

“Buck-”

“I know I said it before, but I need you to know I meant it. I have missed you so much, almost gone to call you a billion times before realizing I didn’t have your number.” A tear slid down her cheek and she was quick to wipe it away, sniffling.

“I always thought you just left me behind because I wasn’t good enough.” His chest tightened, heart hurting at the thought of her believing that.

“No.” He shook his head, eyes tearing away from her because if he kept looking he would tell the full truth and she would never want to see him again. “I let the fear and pain I was drowning in sweep me away. I never should have closed off from you, the one person who could have helped me.”

“I’m here now.” She placed a hand over his heart, sincerity in her eyes before she recoiled with crimson in her cheeks. “Now would you please put on a shirt before answering the door you heathen.” 

He smiled before picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder and spinning around. She squealed, hand smacking his back lightly as she began to laugh like a mad woman. 

“Who’s a heathen now?”

“Still you, ya brute.” He dropped her onto the couch and the two fell into a fit of laughter, eyes sharing a look of nostalgia. “But a brute I will invite to my birthday party.”

“Party, eh? They still throwing you big parties in that old barn?” She nodded, rolling her eyes with a small shrug.

“I’m turning 27, I don’t think I need a big party full of people. Not really my scene.” 

“How ‘bout this then. We go to that party, say hello to everyone, do at least one dance after cake, and afterwards we can do something just the two of us. Something more laid back.” She held out her hand and they shook on it, smiles bright.

“Wanna go paint my room?” Y/N stood with her hands on her hips and a brow arched, smiling mischievously. 

Bucky stood and began to make his way to the door when Y/N stopped him in his tracks and gestured to his bare chest.

“Right, shirt. Give me a second.” She shook her head, waiting at the front step for him to catch up. He crossed the street in a few swift steps and followed her up to her apartment.

“You’re gonna want your hair out the way, sit.” He complied, rolling his eyes as she pulled strands of his hair back into a small feather duster of a ponytail. A few shorter strands fell down and framed his face. She shrugged and muttered a good enough.

They moved her mattress and bed frame from the room, emptying all the contents into the small living room. Covering the floor, taping over the trim, and getting the paint and brushes out they were ready to begin.

Hours later they had paint splatters on their jeans and Bucky’s white tank top now had a purple print painted on. Purple covered the walls and a few drops made their way onto their faces, a stripe across the bridge of her nose and a smudge along his cheek. Y/N refused to let him wash up before getting a photo on her camera. The two looked like a hot mess, her piggy backing and resting her cheek against his. 

“Why does this look so familiar?” She held the camera in her hands and her brow furrowed. “Oh my god.”

Y/N ran into the living room without another word and Bucky followed, perplexed by her behavior. She began searching through her things until finally producing a shoe box with his name on it. 

“Um. What’s that.” She pulled him over to her breakfast bar and sat on one of the stools before opening up the box. His eyes scanned the photos inside, saddened that there were so few but comforted by the fact that she still had the pictures at all.

“This is our box, Becca and I have one. And that other one is for our trio.” He chuckled softly as she began to sift through the  pictures until she found what she was looking for. The very photo that he had seen in his mother’s house, the one hanging amongst the photos of his family. “We did an accidental recreation.”

The two photos side by side were uncanny, apart from the ridiculous amount of purple paint in one of them. The same pose, and he was looking at her instead of the camera again. 

“I gotta get this printed, for here and your mom’s.” Bucky stood behind her, eyes flickering between the two photos.

“She’d like that.” Y/N glanced over her shoulder at him and he was suddenly acutely aware of how close their faces were and how fast his heart was racing. 

And he was terrified.

~

Tags: @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @asphalt-cocktail​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @gstran18​ @just-trying-to-survive-marvel

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get - Chapter Four: Secrets Spill

Summary: A celebration has arrived and along with it some uncovered secrets that make tensions rise.

Part: 4/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (AU)

Warnings: arguing, mentions of loss/suffering

Word count: 3,093

A/N: Thanks to @wxntersoldiers​ for beta reading! Enjoy a new chapter!

~

Her heart was racing in her chest. She couldn’t believe what her instincts were telling her to do. She couldn’t kiss him. Not when they had finally begun repairing their friendship, when she was already confused about how to operate within their friendship. No need for any further complication.

And yet she could feel herself leaning in, he was doing the same. Their lips were inches from one another and she was doing everything in her power to reign in the hormones pushing her closer. 

Even worse was that she wasn’t at all trying to stop herself. Not even a little. She really wanted to close the gap but her fear prevented her from being the one to do it. Part of her hoped he had the courage because she was becoming desperate to know the taste of his kiss.

When he suddenly backed away her heart felt like a crack had run through it, but a small part of her was thankful for his restraint. 

“I…” Bucky backed toward the door, panic evident in his features. He was afraid of ruining everything too.

“Buck-”

“I’ll see you at your party.” He was out the door before she could contradict him. She watched as he crossed the street, pausing to look up at her window before ducking into his home. 

Well that was a major disaster. 

Her focus began to intensify after that incident, working extra shifts and avoiding the diner for a few days. She couldn’t quite face his meddling sister after nearly kissing him and knowing full well it wouldn’t have ended there. Going through her daily motions kept her mind off of him and improved her productivity.

Steve helped her move all her things back into her room and took her camera to develop the photo for her. Though she was in an emotional mess she still wanted to have that photo, even if it ended up being the last.

When she received the pictures she bought two frames and wrapped one up before heading to the diner.

“Hey Mama Barnes, I’ve got a present for you.” Her eyes lit up as she grabbed a hold of the paper covered frame.

“Oh sweetheart you shouldn't have.” When she saw the photo inside the frame she became blubbery and covered her mouth as tears slipped down her cheeks. 

“Aw, no. No tears.” Y/N chuckled softly, wrapping an arm around the woman who rested her head on Y/N’s shoulder. 

It was in that moment she noticed that Bucky was sitting at the counter a few stools down, features softened as he gazed at his mother. His eyes became confused as he locked onto her eyes, almost conflicted. As if he had a billion thoughts and emotions rushing through him that he didn’t know how to handle.

“I hate to cut this short but I do have a shift to get to, just wanted to make sure you got that before I forgot.” 

“Of course love, you take care now. We’ll see you Saturday for the party, but don’t be a stranger.” She gave her a hug before heading to the door.

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Can’t stay away from the Winnifred Barnes’ cooking for too long or I’ll go through withdrawal.” Bucky smiled softly at this, her eyes lingering on him a moment before walking out. 

~

He watched her make her way to her car, mind screaming at him for pulling away from her again. But fear always seemed to be the winning contender. 

“I could smack you James Buchanan Barnes.” His mother stood across the counter giving him the sternest look he’d seen on her face in a long time. 

“I know. It’s like I can’t win with her. Every time I get close something scares the hell out of me and I run away.” His voice catches in his throat as his eyes begin to tear up, his mother’s features soften.

“C’mon tell your mama about the girl you love.” At this his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

“How did you know I was beginning to have feelings for her?” His mother chuckled softly before placing the picture before him and motioning to where his eyeline was focused.

“Because you have been looking at her like that for over a decade. And she had been doing the same.” 

“What?” 

“But that’s for her to explain, not me. Now Tell me what’s the matter with you?” His brow furrowed at her question, unsure how to proceed. “Why aren’t you chasing after her, kissing her, loving her freely?”

“Because I can’t risk letting her suffer like you did.”

~

“Are all these decorations and lights really necessary? Seems like a fire hazard.” Her mother nodded, eyes watching her father string up a banner along the loft.

“Well you try talking your father out of these things, see how far you get.” Y/N chuckled softly as her father lost his end of the banner and used some colorful language.

“Now that is a challenge.” 

“Ah, James dear! It’s good to see you after so long. So glad you made it.” Her mother hugged him tightly before pointing over to where her father was on the ladder. “Would you mind helping him get that banner up? He’s making me nervous up there on that thing.”

“Sure thing. This is for you.” He handed a bag to Y/N before heading toward her father. 

“How sweet.” Her mother smirked as her eyes flickered between the two. “I’m glad you two are repairing things, you had the strongest bond when you were younger.”

It wasn’t long before Steve showed up with a gift and the cake, and you chastised your dad for turning your friends into laborers. To which Bucky countered that his job was already hard labor and this was hardly it. Her dad smiled triumphantly at that and walked off to do a final check before everyone else arrived. 

“Don’t amp up his ego please, the man already thinks he’s the king of parties. We don’t need him thinking he’s always right.” Her mother almost choked on her lemonade before erupting into a fit of laughter.

“Ouch, you may be daddy’s little girl but you definitely have your grandmother in you.” Y/N clutched her chest and gasped, eyes wide in shock.

“Oh you take that back.” 

“She can’t take back what’s true.” Y/N threw one of her flats at Steve who ducked just in time and stuck out his tongue. 

“You met her one time Rogers, we had years of experience.” Y/N almost fell out of her chair at the sight of her oldest brother.

“Nathan!” She had him in a hug within seconds, his laughter vibrating through his chest. “When did you get back?” 

“Last night, I’m here for the party but then I’ve got to get driving to make it for a shift tomorrow.” She made a pout with her lips and he shoved her playfully. “Where did your shoe even go.”

“The ether. Or Steve stole it.” 

“You’re only saying that because you’re holding it behind your chair.” Y/n gasped and Bucky narrowed his eyes at Steve before moving to stand and holding the shoe out of reach. 

“What kind of friend are you?” Steve smirked and shrugged while Y/N jumped for her shoe and smack Bucky’s chest.

“The kind that stays it would seem.” Y/N slowly fell back onto her heels, Bucky handing her shoe over before walking toward the other end of the barn where people were beginning to congregate.

“Not cool dad.” Y/N stormed off after him and her brother shook his head.

“If you want her to still show up to Sunday night dinners then you probably shouldn’t ruin the most important relationship to her, on her birthday.” Nathan placed a hand on his dad’s shoulder before heading over to the gift table to drop off his present.

“Especially since you’re part of the reason it ended in the first place. No offense.” Steve made his way to Y/N’s mother and offered his assistance with whatever she needed.

Bucky was hidden amongst hay bales in a corner of the barn, too lost in thought to notice Y/N making her way to him through the hay until she tripped. She fell on top of him, smacking her face into his chest and very nearly kneeing him in the nethers. 

“As graceful as ever.” She smacked his chest and propped herself up, eyes locking onto his. “And just as beautiful.”

“Are you ever gonna tell me why you keep running away?” Bucky sighed, brushing a strand of hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “The real reason you cut me out?”

“Yes.” She was not expecting that answer and he noticed as much. “But not on your birthday, okay?”

“Then can we talk about how you won’t kiss me?” Her eyes couldn’t make contact as she spoke, but when she finished she locked eyes with him. He looked startled by the question and she instantly regretted asking it. She pushed herself off of him and sat on a hay bale, refusing to make eye contact as he stood up.

“It’s the same reason.” 

“Can’t deal or too scared?” He froze as she met his gaze, and she swore she could see the pain hidden in his eyes.

“Terrified.”

The party was going by in a blur and her focus kept getting stolen by Bucky, she couldn’t help but wonder what had him so afraid that he couldn’t tell her. So terrified to keep her close that he pushed her away. 

While he had stayed in the barn he still kept a bit of distance, hanging around his family once they had arrived. She felt crazy for still wanting him by her side, but she let him have his distance for now. 

~

“Now I really am going to smack you child.” His mother was chastising him about running from facing his fears again. “It breaks my heart to see you so crippled by the fear that man instilled in you when he had no right to do so. You never should have had that on your conscience.”

“It’s too late to change the past ma, I’m just trying to at least keep her in my life to some degree.” 

“You might want to try a little harder.”

“If I try any harder I’m going to fall completely in love with her and drag her down with me. And that’s just selfish.”

Bucky watched her greet every guest, pausing to grab people drinks, all around ensuring everyone was having a good time and taken care of. She wasn’t even trying to fill the role of host, nor was it entirely out of obligation since the party was for her. It was because being kind and taking care of others was in her nature, always had been and always would be. 

Whereas his nature had become so different from his childhood and teenage suave that he hardly recognized himself. He was reserved and closed off, but sometimes this was a blessing in disguise. It let him do exactly what he was doing now, observing. It’s how he knew she was a perfect fit for their trio after her first day in school.

His mother watched as he began to walk off as the cake was being served, her heart heavy at the sight. A sad smile on her lips as she watched Y/N stop him before he made it to the door.

He froze in his tracks when he felt a hand grip, his heart racing when he realized whose it was. Her eyes watched him cautiously as he turned around with a surprised expression, a smile stretching across her face. He was dead certain that if she asked him to do anything he’d be unable to say no to her, he was entranced by her smile and the feeling of their intertwined fingers.

“Where are you going, Barnes? You owe a girl a dance.” She led him with zero resistance to the dance floor where couples had begun to sway along to the music. 

Her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands sat on her waist as they began to sway, his heart refusing to calm with how close she was moving to him. She moved his hands to the small of her back and he couldn’t seem to resist. Everything in him was screaming not to fall, not to be trapped by her presence. But he had no control. 

The moment she shifted to rest her head on his chest he knew he was doomed, the content smile on her face putting a similar one on his as he held her. He was beginning to think dangerously. Beginning to wonder if it didn’t matter about time.

“Sorry about my dad earlier. I don’t know where that came from and it was out of line.” She tilted her head back to look into his eyes. “He’s been weird since he saw the picture in my room.”

“Your room?” 

“Steve had free reign to put it up anywhere but the bathroom.” She chuckled and shook her head as her eyes found him in the room. “He saw it and seemed surprised and then worried. It was strange.”

The song ended and he led her out of the barn, nerves spiking as he put a little distance between them and the party. 

“We need to talk.”

“I am slightly worried by your tone, but proceed.” He took a deep breath and looked her dead in the eye. 

“I know I said I wouldn’t tell you on your birthday but I can’t hold it in any longer or I’m going to burst.” She nodded and he took her hands in his, hoping they gave him the courage he required. “The reason I began to push you out of my life is because I was afraid.”

“I know that.”

“But you don’t know why I was afraid. Am afraid.” Her features were beginning to be overtaken by worry, her head tilting to the side. “Not long after my father died, your dad came to talk to me outside the diner.”

“What?”

“He told me about the disease that killed my dad and how it was passed genetically.”

“Bucky…” Her voice was small and terrified, he cupped her cheek in his hand.

“It isn’t a guarantee, there is a 50/50 shot that I have inherited it and even then the symptoms don’t show until later. Most are diagnosed between the ages 30 to 50.” He wiped a tear from her cheek before continuing, “Your dad warned me to think about you, about the fact that it could be a possibility and should I stay in your life… you would have to watch me slowly wither away like we did with my dad. I remember watching him slowly lose every ability until he could hardly swallow and I thought I would rather lose you than put you through that.”

“What about Steve? And your family? They get to be held close and enjoy the time they have but I get cut short?” She took a step back wiping the tear streaks from her cheeks. 

“That’s why I left entirely, to ease the pain.”

“But you came back and still let them all in, kept contact even if it was minimal.” He took a step toward her and she took another back.

“Because they’ve all lost people. They’ve handled it before. You… you were untouched, not losing anyone before their time. I wanted to save you some of the pain.”

“You broke my heart. How is that any better? At least losing you that way I would have still had you in my life and I could have said goodbye. The way you cut me off? I lost you but I also watched you live your life without me. And it hurt so bad to see that you could live without me and still be happy. I know that’s selfish, but so is deciding what I can handle without consulting me.”

“Y/N... “ He could feel the tear slip down his cheek but he didn’t care, his heart was tearing itself apart from guilt and heartbreak. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to put you in the position my mother was in.”

“What?”

“Remember what I said when you asked why I ran? Why I couldn’t let myself give in and kiss you?” This time when he took a step forward she stayed where she was. “I can’t let myself pull you in when it could end so horribly. I can’t put someone I love through that if I can help it.”

Bucky began to walk away but the sound of her voice halted him in his steps, the shake of her words like a cut.

“Did you ever stop to think that you had no control over that? I’d still be losing you, just from a distance.” She didn’t even wait to watch him walk away, there were only so many times she could stomach that. 

Her dad stood in the doorway waiting with an expression dripping with guilt, but she simply walked past him. She understood why he did what he did, out of fear just like Bucky, but it would take time for her to forgive. Her brother helped her to pack the gifts into her car so that she didn’t have to linger any longer than she had to.

When everything shut down she hugged her brother goodbye and slid into the driver’s seat before pulling away from the most emotional birthday party she’s ever had.

And he never left her mind.

~

When he reached his townhouse her car was parked on the street but her lights were off, either she went to sleep or she went out on foot. Either way she wouldn’t want to talk to him after today, which had already caused him to debate leaving again. Seeing her around town would hurt like hell, but at least then he’d still see her. 

After all he’d lost, the thought of losing her forever was just another weight he’d have to bear on his shoulders. He hardly slept that night, tossing and turning until he couldn’t take it any longer.

Only when his eyes found the North Star did he begin to relax, his father’s voice reminding that he wasn’t alone. Somehow he knew he could make it right.

He wasn’t going to leave her again.

~

Tags: @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @asphalt-cocktail​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @gstran18​ @just-trying-to-survive-marvel

[19mrs-barnes17]

As Long As I Can Get - Chapter Five: Wounds Heal

Summary: “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” - Unknown

Part: 5/5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (AU)

Warnings: supah cute

Word count: 3,001

A/N: Thanks again to @wxntersoldiers​ for beta reading! This chapter is dedicated to @cantnkrusshedevil​ for helping me to map out the details of this story’s plot.

~

A cool breeze blew through the tall grass, flower petals ripping from their stems and flowing into the wind somewhere out of sight. The cool brushing across her skin and ushering in a sense of calm to her frantic mind. The sun was setting and sending golden rays across her body and through the blades of grass. Soon the color has disappeared and she is left with the light of the stars, constellations twinkling within the dark navy net of the night sky. 

She feels peace for the first time in a while. Her eyes fluttering shut for a moment to take in the feel of the night air against her skin. 

This was her favorite place in the town. An empty meadow, well empty in the sense of human structures and beings. The only place where you weren’t likely to run into anyone, but you might spot an animal wandering about. A place of serenity and peace where she could simply be.

This was where she had come to understand her emotions since she was young. But she was just as lost as ever, stuck in a state of confusion and only one way to find an answer. She knew what she wanted, but she didn’t know if she had the strength to go out and get it. Or if she even could.

She was scared, but she wouldn’t let fear drive her to make a mistake. Fear had already caused far too much damage in her life and she was ready to break free of it. Instead, as cliche as it may sound… She wanted love to take the spotlight. 

~

“James? You there?” He could hear Y/N’s father from his room, his sluggish movement resulted in louder pounding upon his front door. But he had heard Y/N’s voice in his head chastising him about throwing on a shirt before answering the door and was momentarily delayed.

“Can I help you?” Bucky squinted at the man, fighting off a yawn as he leaned against the door frame.

“Y/N wasn’t answering her phone, some nurses were trying to get a hold of her to see if she’d pick up their shift. So I went to her apartment to see if she was alright. But...” Bucky straightened his stance, eyes landing on the phone in his hand. It was Y/N’s. “I have looked all over town but I can’t find her.”

“Look, she’s a smart woman. She’s probably just out clearing her head and left the distractions behind. The fact that it was in her locked apartment bodes well.” Her father nodded, relief flooding his face. “I’ll go to our spots and see if I can find her. Just wait for that to ring or buzz, ok?”

“Thank you.” He pauses for a moment, eyes saddening. “I never should have told you what I did. That��s not my job nor my business and it was wrong of me. But in my defense I become a little bit irrational when it comes to my daughter’s happiness, too paranoid about every little thing.”

“I know. But I never should have listened in the first place.” He left her father standing on his front steps as he made his way to the closest of the locations. “Go ahead home, I’ll find her in no time.

It was becoming dark as he went to location after location without success, his mind running through a list of possibilities. One came to mind and he felt like an idiot for not looking there first, it used to be his place to hide from the suffocating monotony of the town. When he met Y/N that changed, he showed her his private oasis so she could get away from the watchful eyes of her parents. It soon became a place they shared, one used to relax and calm their minds.

It had been ages since he had been to this field, seen these flowers and the tall grass in person. He had almost forgotten its power. His mind already felt less troubled as he began to scan the area. His eyes landing on a discrepancy in the tall grass and flowers.

The closer he got the more he noticed there was an inward bend in some of the grass as though someone was laying atop of it. When he saw an arm reach toward the stars he sent a text to her phone, a single word, before pocketing the device. Safe.

Bucky knelt by her head, his hair hanging over her as he shook her lightly. She responded instinctively with a fist to his nose. He fell onto his back with a grunt, holding his nose with his fingers as a little bit of crimson leaked between them. 

"Oh shit. I'm so sorry." She was hovering over him within seconds, eyes wide with panic until her training began to kick in.

"Never apologize for defending yourself. I'm the idiot who should have announced himself." He chuckled softly as she moved his hand to inspect the wound, eyes softening at the sight. Her fingers gingerly caressed over his throbbing nose before furrowing her brow and scrunching up her face as though she was brainstorming a plan.

"Good news is I didn't break it, the bleeding should stop really soon. It might swell a little but it isn't bleeding too bad." She pulls off her jacket and holds it beneath his nose, pinching the bridge between her fingers. "Sit up and tilt your head back."

"Guess it's a good thing I got punched by a nurse." He smiled a dopey smile as she held the jacket in place and shook her head.

"You're an idiot."

"Guilty. But at least I'm an idiot who loves you." She froze, eyes meeting his before a bright smile suddenly broke out on her face. 

"A lovesick idiot."

"Just what the doctor ordered." She shoved his shoulder and fell onto his back, her hand still attached and nearly dragging her all the way down. Hovering over him she carefully wiped the remaining blood from his face.

"You should be fine now, just ice it when you get home." She moved to stand but he grabbed her hand.

Bucky sat upright and patted the ground next to him before lying back down. She reluctantly complied, turning her head to the side so that she was looking him in the eyes. Something in her eyes had his insides turning to goo, heart racing in his chest.

"Stars are up there." She smiled softly and shook her head. "I may be an idiot, but I'm fairly certain about that one."

"Not my star." He furrowed his brow, absolutely perplexed by her comment. “It’s never been in the sky.”

"Alright, I'll bite where's your star?" She smiled and tapped his nose with her finger before giggling. "I'm not a star you goofball."

"Why not? We're all made up of atoms from previous stars aren't we? So why shouldn't you be my star? You do exactly what the North Star does after all." She returned her eyes to the sky but he couldn't stop looking at her. 

"And what's that?" He knew exactly what she was implying but he wanted to hear her voice say it aloud. Because if she said it, then he wouldn’t be so afraid to chase after this feeling she had him obsessing over.

"Remind me that I'm never alone." She smiled softly as her eyes fluttered shut, her chest slowly falling and rising as though she was blissfully unaware of how her comment had him reeling.

Bucky could not comprehend how someone could say something so profoundly heartfelt in such a casual manner. As if it was the easiest thing in the world. As though it held no more significance than any other endearment. To him it meant everything. Those few words made him fall all over again and he couldn't care less whether they had a whole lifetime or only a year.

He wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything in his life.

Her eyes remained closed as he moved to hover over her, a hand beside her head on the grass as he leaned in. His lips soon received a response from hers as they began to move together. Her hands making their way to his hair giving it a little tug which elicited a moan from him. 

Kissing her was like finally breathing that first breath of fresh air after months of breathing in smog. Euphoric. She tasted like chocolate and serenity. He just wanted to feel this rush forever, to taste her lips as often as possible and never let her go.  

One hand on the grass and the other beneath her, pressed against the small of her back. He held her close as his lips moved against hers, her tongue sliding inside as she once more tugged at his hair. She had him wrapped around her finger.

Y/N had a power over him that left him completely at her mercy and he didn’t mind that one bit. He almost forgot the necessity of air until she pulled away and rested her forehead against his. 

"Now I'm really mad at you." She laughed breathlessly as her eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. "I've been missing out on that for over 10 years? You selfish bastard, learn to share."

Bucky couldn't help but let the laughter bubble up from his chest as his forehead fell onto her shoulder. 

"M'sorry." He mumbled against her skin causing her to suck in a breath. At this he smiled and pressed a kiss to her exposed collar bone after shifting the strap of her tank top. 

"Evil, how could you keep this talent to yourself." She tilted her head back with a smile, eyes closed as she propped herself up on her elbows. "Should be considered a crime."

"You don't wanna know all the thoughts that just popped into my head." Bucky moved to sit beside her but she straddled his waist and wrapped her arms around his torso. 

“Tease.”

Burying her face in his neck she left Bucky smiling like an idiot up at the stars. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her neck. She felt so perfect in his arms that he couldn’t believe he had ever denied himself the ability to hold her close to him. He may have never known the feeling of her lips on his or the way her hands in his hair could drive him so wild. To think he could have never known those feelings, such unbridled joy and love, was simply improbable. 

"I am never leaving you again. No matter how much time we have." She pulled back enough to look him in the eye. "I want you by my side for the rest of my life."

"I've never wanted forever. I only want as long as I can get with you."

He pulled her in for a kiss seconds after the words left her lips, smiling deeply into the kiss. 

~ 

When she woke in her bed with her head resting on his chest she smiled softly to herself. It was still hard to wrap her head around the fact that this was even happening. 

She never expected him to move back into town, let alone admit that he was actually in love with her and couldn't bear the possibility of letting her watch him slowly lose all of his mobility and functions. All this time he was simply terrified to put her through the suffering his family went through. Never realizing she went through it with them.

He hadn't noticed how much his hurting hurt her too. How watching him fall apart made her want to help him piece himself back together. But then again, she never noticed how he never stopped caring. How he kept tabs on her through Steve, though his letters. Or how he had kept a photo of her that he got from Steve in his breast pocket throughout his service. So that she was always with him.

Her heart swelled with joy as she closed her eyes and listened to the rhythmic beat of his heart. But when her stomach growled she was slipping out from beneath his arms and waltzed into her kitchen, eyes scanning in her fridge. 

Before she could turn around arms wrapped around her torso and pried her away from the fridge. She groaned in protest as he used his foot to shut the door, lightly smacking his forearms as he dragged her back to the room. 

“Uh uh, you know where the good stuff is. Put on some shoes and a jacket, we’re going to the diner.” She stuck out her tongue but complied, sliding on a light jacket over her tank top and slipping on some flats. 

“You go to the diner in pjs?” He nodded as he slid a hoodie on over his wild mane. She forced him into a seated position on her bed, standing between his legs as she gently guided his hair into the elastic band. His hands rested on her back and held her close and he messed with his hair, his face buried in her tank top. “All done, you can release me now.”

He shook his head and she chuckled softly, caressing his cheek before moving his head back. 

“So needy.” He gasped, throwing a hand over his heart. “And dramatic.”

“Takes one to know one.” He stood and pressed a kiss to her lips before taking her hand and leading her to the door. 

“Yeah but you know you love me.” She sent him a wink as she locked the door behind her and he shook his head. “Liar.”

“Mhmm. Yeah, yeah.” She smacked his shoulder as they descended the steps. “Okay, okay. I love you. I do.”

“Gee how heartfelt.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her flush against his chest, pressing her back to one of the walls on the landing. Her eyes watching him curiously as he cupped her cheek.

“I will always love you.” 

“Okay Celine Dion.” 

“I’m serious Y/N.” She placed a hand over his and pressed a kiss on the palm of his hand.

“I know. I love you too you idiot.” He shook his head as a smile tugged at his lips.

“Talk about heartfelt.” His arms wrapped around her waist as she leaned forward, eyes twinkling mischievously.

“Like poetry.”

“Mhmm.” He met her halfway, lips moving with hers as her heart began to race with adrenaline. 

“As much as I would love nothing more than to drag your ass upstairs and continue this I am actually very hungry and will kill if not fed.” She didn’t wait for a response as she dragged him along, opting to drive to get there faster.

“You are very violent when hungry.” 

“Aw you think this is violent for me? Adorable.” He made a concerned face as she pulled into the parking lot but she ignored it, rushing to his side of the car and shoving him into  the diner and into a booth.

“My god you’re here early.” Becca sat on a stool smirking at her best friend, eyes betraying her confidence with a hint of surprise. 

“Evil man wouldn’t let me eat from my own fridge.” Y/N rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

“He came between you and food and he’s still alive. Damn.” Becca chuckled as she slid off the seat and came over to take their order. “Last time a guy did that he almost got a black eye. But judging from your nose you didn’t get away scott free.” 

“No that’s from yesterday when he snuck up on me.” Becca shook her head with a furrowed brow, shrugging her confusion aside to work. “Don’t care just feed me now you beautiful human being.” 

“She’s very flirty when you give her food on an empty stomach.” Y/N just sent a wink in response before returning her face to Bucky’s bicep. “Usual Bucky?”

He simply nodded, eyes stuck on Y/N who was attached to his arm. No way he was getting that back until her food arrived so he used his right hand to hold out his cup and sip on his coffee. Becca returned with his plate and turned around to grab Y/N’s but it wasn’t quick enough because she smelt the food. He lost a piece of bacon as a result, but he regained 

use of his arm so it wasn’t a total loss.

“Oh thank god, I can refrain from murdering you.” She mumbled before taking a bite of her french toast. 

“Oh goody. I’m so grateful.” 

“You’re welcome.” She pecked his cheek before returning to her meal, a smile tugging at her lips as she watched him out of the corner of her eye.

“You are by far the strangest person I have ever met.” She laughed heartily before turning to face him.

“Bull. You’ve met Denise and Hilda. Also your sister.” He sat silent for a moment before nodding. “But I am definitely your favorite. Don’t worry I won’t tell Becca.”

“How thoughtful.” Bucky’s heart felt full as she smiled at him, giggling like a complete goof. 

If this was what the rest of his life looked like, then he didn’t care how long he was given in the end. As long as he has her at his side as long as he can get her. She was all he needed, and his reason to never leave. He finally faced his greatest fear: letting himself fall in love with her no matter the result. And he was beyond grateful that she had fallen for him just as hard. 

What he didn’t tell her last night was that she had always been the one he imagined gazing at the star at the same time he did. Because with her, he knew he was never alone.

~

Tags: @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @asphalt-cocktail​ @cantnkrusshedevil​ @gstran18​ @navegandoaciegas @just-trying-to-survive-marvel

[msqueent90]

HelloTumblrrrrrrrrrrrr

I had wrote a whole lot, a real nice piece. my one year old hit delete as I attempted to change the font.

[msqueent90]

”sometimes its a hurricane”

The first week of Nov. How i hate and dwell on you, how I do nothing but constantly look back. I feel again even if its just a numbing pain, a shock through my body and mind. Its as if i’ve lived this long doing just that. I never in my entire life pictured a day without my mom, yet here i am. Half a life after, i still keep going. I like to look back at all the times i felt like this and kept going, i try to remind myself i am a mess and a mix of daily emotions but furthermore i am most and mainly strong. I have gone for 13 years without hearing, you. Ill never forget out last words or the look in your eyes. The pain you felt ended and i got lost in such a miserable place but I kept going. Its not pretty most of the days but i try to make the most of the days that are.