#he means a lot to me just truly a guy
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my only complaint about 2005 dw is that we didn’t get more episodes with gung-ho mortal baby jack harkness. absolutely smitten by that fucker
#I mean. who isn’t. that’s kinda the point#exactly what he Wants#im saying this because he’s pretty but also because as much as I think the direction he goes in is intetesting and I love torchwood with#all my heart (as much as it Hurts Me) there’s something so novel about chaotic rebellious pre-resurrection jack#that you never truly get after that first season#like it’s always there in the foundation of his character to a degree but he does end up with a lot more self control and people look up to#him and he’s much more orderly and and all-around not really chaotic anymore (torchwood as a group is chaotic in certain ways for sure but#he himself? not often. mostly only in trying situations or when highly highly emotional)#and don’t get me wrong it all makes sense narratively. that he’d end up like that. he’s had literally centuries to gain wisdom and#self discipline and to learn how to be a proper leader and to become jaded and an existential black hole of a man#but. yknow. I just miss that sexy egomaniacal revolution-leader type jack#anyway. at least he gets to fuck around with guys on screen in torchwood though. definitely an upgrade#kibumblabs#dw#doctor who#jack harkness
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My Accolades
#not art#this is actually maybe not Super Plausible if the cannons are actually old school style lmao.#they often used a long matchstick thing that burns a Lot slower than usual. thats where ''fire in the hole'' came from#what I imagine and kinda force it to work is riz flicks the embers from his cig into the vent. and thats a hot enough fire to light a canno#I know Ive been here for uhhhh ten seconds but u guys must know what my deal is by now lmao. its like this forever#anyways its cool so it has to be real. that boy was Aiming AND Lighting those things all by himself. he was doing some insane stunts#to get that to work he weighs like five pounds soaking wet and you Know those cannons are not securely latched down#gods to think of it. that means kristen and k2 were risking it all for real hanging out on the gunner deck#it truly is Big Bill Hell's Ship out here Im so sorry girls. Im so sorry kristen#Im so sorry k2........#anyways if u ask me how this works 1/it just does 2/shut up 3/dont talk to me ok? ok#My Accolades. I get to have this
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stultifera navis rerun AKA thinking about Iberia hours again because a lot of the Iberians have such fascinating relationships with the concept of home but specifically Thorns and Lumen are eating at my brain. like where do you call home when the place that is your home Just Fucking Hates You? Elysium's rewinding breeze specifically makes a point to hammers home how differently Iberia treats its Liberi and its Aegir
(which is especially interesting since this comes right after a conversation where Purestream commented on how despite Leizi being a high ranking government official, there are still some experiences that are universal for all Yanese people - because the experience of what Iberia itself is like isnt universal for all Iberians)
But all that being said, Thorns also straight up states that Aegir is not his home, and yeah, how could it be? How could a place you've never been to, never truly known, ever be your home? How could it ever feel like a home?
so where do you go when the place that you are from hates your people and the place your people are from is completely unfamiliar and alien to you? Thorns' answer at the end of the conversation with Aya is: my home is where i chose it to be. my home is where there are people I care about and people who care about me
in the complete opposite direction, Lumen's oprec asks: why do you still stay in a place that wants you gone? because the people of Gran Faro like Jordi well enough but when push comes to shove, they will want the only Aegir in town gone
and yet, when Rald the messenger offers him a chance to leave Jordi turns him down and when he's forced to escape Gran Faro after the people there literally try to send him to his death (or worse) at the hands of the Inquisitors he keeps trying to go back because like everyone in stultifera navis, Jordi is clinging to his own dreams of a golden age
but the shape of that dream is unique to every character and for Jordi, his dreams are deeply, inseparably bound to the Eye of Iberia, the legacy his parents left behind
and it's this dream of becoming someone great, of bringing about that golden age that his parents devoted their lives to help create that ties Jordi to this nothing town because despite everything, despite the mistrust of the townsfolk and the hostility of the Inquisition and the danger from the ocean, he simply cannot leave it behind
(or, because i personally dislike the official translation,)
"I just see this place as my home"
so yeah. not sure what overall point i was trying to make here i'm just. deeply in love with these stories about chosing what is and isn't your home, of saying you will not call a place your home because it has given you no reason to or saying you consider a place your home even though it has given you every reason not to. deeply unwell about them <3
#arknights#asto speaks#not much of an essay writer i just keep thinking about them and i need to force other people to think about them too#thorns story fucks me up bc like. this whole almost found family adjacent idea of like#maybe home isnt something decided by your birth but something you can chose based on what truly matters to you#it just gets to me. i guess.#jordi gets to me in a completely different direction there's nothing personal about it i just find his story *fascinating*#just a guy. a completely normal guy. an absolute nobody caught up in these dreams of greatness while also fully aware of his own normalcy#but never letting either of those overshadow the other. never losing that self awareness or that fuckin obsessive determination#god. what a Character#i love jordi so much like genuinely#i joke a lot about him being just a Guy but thats also kinda like the best thing about him#the fact that he is the way that he is and does all the things he does despite being just a Guy#gently holds#for context i was so hyped about new iberia lore when sn was announced i read the whole thing as soon as it dropped on cn server#cuz someone uploaded all the story sections to bilibili right after it came out#and '我只是把这里当作自己的故乡啊' fucking hit me SO HARD#in like the greater context of elysium demanding to know why hes risking his life in like 5 different ways to return to gran faro#because yeah jordi just doesnt want to leave his home but like we the audience knows the full *weight* of what that home means to him#and the weight of the dreams that made him chose to see Gran Faro as his home and to refuse to let go of that#thats why i like the original a lot more than the translation i think like it really emphasises that active *choice*.#this is the place jordi has *decided* to see as his home and he knows what that means and what it means to him#side note the part on thorns might not actually age well depending on whether hg decides to ever release more aulus lore#i mean i'll gladly take the L if it means more aulus and/or thorns lore like#i just wanna know what (if anything) is tying him to iberia yknow#ak#iberiaposting
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Voted for Bumble bc of course but also if you think Alex would not pspsps Bumble you are wrong. If they could communicate they would go to therapy together /s
If then could communicate they would go to therapy together
/GEN
Kyle/Green Lantern resurrects her but then he becomes convinced that she's not the same person she was before the incident, OR SOMETHING SOMETHING Black Lanterns aren't ACTUALLY bad they're just misunderstood Grim Reaper types, in either case Alex ends up breaking it off with Kyle because they've become very different people.
And then Bumble's there
And then they go to therapy or Alex adopts Bumble, and then uhhh Bumble's like one of the superpets. Like Krypto the Superdog. Free premise go forth and play with it if ur a DC fan
#bone babble#Again I don't actually know a lot about the DC universe besides what my friend tells me#But also from reading into the Black Lanterns having them be evil sound like a WHOLE wasted opportunity#Lanterns are supposed to be emotions yeah? so why the hell are we downplaying the emotion of GRIEF?#There's a whole lot you could do with that actually. Death doesn't deserve to just be a villain of the week#And hell. You could explore some WILD emotions here about Alex becoming so much more than Kyle's tragedy#Can I still mourn you when you aren't dead?#What does it mean for me that the worst thing that ever happened to me has become an opportunity for her?#And... does this make me selfish for not being happy for her?#For not trying to understand the person she has become? for only thinking of how this impacts myself#RE: THIS IS NOT A DIG AT DC FANS#BUT I want to share that like... a reason I've kinda had a hard time getting into comics is because like... really interesting premises--#like that often get turned into Monster-of-the-Week struggles for the heroes to punch into submission#I've probably just seen really bad summaries or not found the editions that would appeal to me specifically#But it's kinda why the only DC hero I'm really interested in is Superman#Because a lot of his thing is that he's a good GUY#And that creates a lot of interesting moral questions#Like YES he's a good guy. YES he has no ulterior motive. But what if he DID?-- how can EVERYONE ELSE in the universe truly know that-#for sure?#And that's cool and I really like the snippets I've seen especially between him and batman#But anyway. so much fridging and misogyny in the world of comics has kinda turned me away from getting into it#because. VERY often. Misogyny can be... *tied* to a bit of a lack of imagination. Or empathy on behalf of a particular writer#RE: There is good stuff in DC PLEASE understand im not trying to be insulting
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hmm realizing that the ship i like properly Ship the most is probably arasol...
#im not big into shipping? i like it but im not picky or hardcore about ships(as long as i like both characters lol)#but they arent something i really Need?#i guess i just dont really need things to be Romantic cus i just enjoy interesting dynamics#romantic or platonic#and i guess i dont really care if arasol is Romantic either tbh#i dont even know if i truly see them as Romantic in the traditional sense#but theres just something abuot them....#they have this energy..#i remember some time ago someone saying that sollux would normally be a character thatd be doomed by the narrative#so he just removed himself from the narrative?#or something along those lines#and yeah#like they both just kinda#do their own thing#they have their own weird bubble#they both have this weirdly detached perspective i feel?#which i mean#its a girl who was dead for ages and a guy who could hear the voices of the soon to be dead#ughh i just love them...#theyre like the only pair that i really go !!! over#which is interesting to me lol#maybe its cus there isnt as much of them as a lot of other ships so the rarity of it makes it more exiting#who knows#just thought it was interesting lol#rambles
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Thinking abt that catradora ‘While You Were Sleeping’ AU fic I read that was so good it got me to watch the movie only for it to feel exactly like when you watch a movie based off a book you read and feel incredibly disappointed even though the fic clearly didn’t come first ??
#while you were sleeping#IM SO SORRY ITS JUST AJDHDJ#Them being childhood friends who fell out it makes so much more sense to not trust her when she’s apparently dating a family member#In the movie he truly is a random guy who can’t help falling in love with his comatosed brother’s fiance?#like#ok it’s romcom logic but in that fic it makes SENSE#they have BAGGAGE#Of course they fall in love they always have been !!#also the fact that Adora’s adopted adds so much to her wanting to take over the family business#she truly feels like she owes it to the family for having given her a home#and in the movie the guy just wants to make furniture which is valid but yk#ALSO THE SNOWGLOBE THING#Like in the fic there was so much baggage with it because ever since they were kids catra dreamed of going to disneyland#and Adora knows this#SO THIS MEANS SO MUCH#ofc it meant a lot to Lucy since her dad died and she wanted a stamp on her passport and stuff but like#also you just met this guy lowkey#which kinda brings me to isn’t it kind of weird he’s immediately proposing to her#like don’t get me wrong it IS sandra bullock but like#this woman did pretend to be your comatosed brothers’ fíance so like under what pretenses do you actually love her#my post#Sandra Bullock was adorable though I did love her#catradora#fic#it was so good my god#catradora fic
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ive actually put myself in so many situations and seem to come out doing socially well, youd think at some point i could get it in my head im not irredeemably bad
#that post about dysphoria like ‘u feel like ur covered in slime and people will eventually see the rot’ rly truly hits it#idek if its dysphoria or autism or what at this point#maybe its everything#but shit#ive stayed at hostels and hung out with and chatted w complete strangers#i went back to my hs reunion this week and actually hung out w people i thought didnt fw me anymore#my coworkers generally seem to like me- its felt rare when one didnt which is a shocking percentage#ive maintained friendships with my core group of friends despite living w them for over a year (u know how that can go) and not#being able to participate in like half the activities they do (sex parties i dont wanna attend or im busy at work)#made internet friends. believe it or not there was a time as a teen i thought id never be able to do that!#shit bitch even the guy i like who i constantly worry secretly hates me#and i constantly worry only puts up with me etc#yeah he doesnt always seem to let me in much but he barely lets anyone in?#comparatively he does seem to let me in a lot#i really have to remember to put things in perspective sometimes#just bc im not in my holmes/watson era or facetiming someone all day doesnt mean im a lonely loser……. smh#there was once a time i had no irl friends. I CHANGED THAT. I DID THAT. i can do anything
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I had an Isaac run where it was so stressful my heartrate was at a 145bpm and it persisted for 6 hours. After that, like every day that followed, my heart would just suddenly shoot up to 120-140bpm for an hour if I so much as thought about something I've been stressing over recently. Everybody encouraging me to go to the ER. And I'm just like "Oh please I've actually always been like this, I'm fine." Had to chop down my Adderall dosage. But I swear I've felt like this since high school, but I guess the medicine enhances the feeling and that feeling was ANXIETY.
So, suffice to say, playing The Binding of Isaac™️ almost gave me a heart attack.
#and its not the adderall thats just inducing the heartrate#cause i only got prescribed adderall this year#dad got diagnosed with afib when i was still in school. he rushed himself to the hospital with mom while i was taking a test#i was like what the heck where did you guys go and mom said oh dad was having a heart attack or something and we didnt want to bother you#like WOULDNT YOU TELL YOUR CHILD OH MAYBE YOU WONT SEE YOUR FATHER AFTER WE GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT FINISH YOUR EXAM BABY#that was like 2020 and we have a couple of those oxygen readers for your fingers and it measures your heartbeat#i out one on for fun im just sitting there at the dinner table and my heartrate was at 120#like i didnt do anything we been stuck at home because pandemic and we just having a nice dinner#and my heartbeat was just thats my resting heartrate. they told me to try the blood pressure thing#average blood pressure but truly my heartbeat was just vibing at 120. mis padres were like oh no maybe you have afib too#babes youre too young to have that. and i jsut said oh is that what it means when im nauseous and have to lie down#i havent been diagnosed with anything. i suspect is tachycardia but no official thing#although i havent seen a cardiologist. what if we pay to get a screening and its nothing#i dont want to go thru all that and let it be nothing. lets wait until its a real problem#when my brother and his family visited just like what two weeks ago he was like#he was sitting on moms exercise bike and said it reads your heartrate#and it did you put your hands on the handle and it reads yer pulse#i told him like oooh let me try. hey brother my resting heartrate is 120 a lot. and hes like. what. get on this thing#and i get off the couch literally resting and lay my hands on the handles#and we see it go up. from 80 to 90 to 100 to 110 to 120 and hes a nurse and my moms a nurse and he says go upstairs and rest#dont hang out here with the kids. and im like ha i already told mom#he said sit there for ten minutes dont do anythingg and were trying again#he got mom to call our doctor and my doctor said to stop taking the adderall which is NOT IDEAL theres worse repurcussions to stop cold#so i cut mine in half. cause i had a dosage of 20mg and i almost fainted at work. we died the dosage down to 15#but after all that i cut my 15 down to 7.5 cause hey i cant stop cold but i can ween myself#brother said i shouldnt be taking adderall if im not doing anything that requires focus. but im like i need focus to live man#look at how much ive been drawing...i mean its only in like hour long intervals but its productive#so theres that. i can feel my heartrate already up but i guess its just a thing with me...anywho#doodles#the binding of isaac
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note to self: in the future, do not wait half a year to look at your first draft again
#some of the things in there are truly incomprehensible#one of my notes is 'do not mention x's last name until here' (when we meet his mom)#and i'm just sitting here like why not past me???#the name is already mentioned like five times before that and i can't think of a single reason why it wouldn't be#another note is just IMPORTANT!!#very good past me now WHAT was important about that?#one guy just casually drops that he's part of the Nine Families like that means something#(this is the only time nine families are mentioned in ALL of my notes)#so many switched up names and terms#one sentence is literally 'even if the attendees at the attendees further back couldn't understand him'#so i guess those were supposed to be tables?#nano sure made me write a whole lot but also a whole lot of shit#fabi's foolishness#about my writing
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it was SO FUN to be outside the club with my neighbor waiting for the Uber under a pernicious SNOWFALL trying to know what the FUCK a damn toyota camry looked like... Literally
Uber: *approaching* are you [my legal name]?
Us: "... are you toyota camry 2022?"
#you would think “but the plaque number!” babygirl. it was snowing. it was dark. i have astigmatism. i couldn't see SHIT.#he was. such a pleasant guy btw. my neighbor was a lil wasted but i can't drink so i was in charge of our well-being#technically i CAN drink. but didn't seem like a smart idea to both be hammered in the middle of the warning due to snowfall#im older than her and im the eldest sister in a latino family so that means im a mother not a sister. those instincts don't die#she's the nicest girl she so interested in my culture. she's the one who told me about latino nights😭#teaching her salsa and reggaeton was... truly an experience... she was really like “you guys really move your ass a lot” 😭😭😭#woke up. and still is snowing. a lot. just saw someone walking like... jumping more than walking tbh. woah.
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Traje de luces are seriously peak design, they will literally never get old for me. Every once in a while I'll go on a hunt for more matador pics, and I feel like my art isn't even brushing the surface. Just the amount of poses, colors, situations I could draw is so endless WAUGH
Sometimes they're truly the only thing I want to draw :,) I want to live in a parallel universe where all our f1 boys are bullfighters instead
#my AUs are actually just me wanting to draw different clothes WHO KNEW#i mean yeah i write lore but 🥱#though its funny bcs i do really love racesuits but god i really have no interest in drawing them#on the other hand: 18th century fashion. traje de luces. hussars. IM EATING THEM !!!!!!!!!!#im looking at pics of this one famous matador and like. hes not that attractive objectively but god he looks so hot as a matador#and hes an older guy but im looking at these pics like MAN MY ART WILL NEVER BE THIS GOOD#like I feel like nothing i draw will ever be enough nothing will ever fufill the urge in me ig#and i make up my own poses a lot but then i look at actual matador pics and god theyre just so fucking good its insane#and i keep seeing new traje de luces like new colors and designs and man truly the best costume ever designed#just the fact that they can wear a beautiful peachy pink color and it still looks so good even soaked in blood#yeah idk i think i feel this way w all my AUs#no matter how muvh i draw i still never feel satisifed or fufilled#I NEED TO EAT THEM.#maybe ill reblog w some pics i downloaded lol they make me insane#lol just saying this cause theres other things i reslly should be working on#but im constantly like matador go brrrrrrrrr#especially since my last one got a lot of notes 🤭🤭#catie.rambling.txt
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OKAYYYYYY SO TODAY WENT SOOOO WELLLLLL OMG I COULDNT STOP SMILING AFTER I LEFT okay okay so . class started and my friend and i entered class and we were like happy belated bdayyyy and he was like !?!? and he was soooo so cute and really happy it was so sweet omg . because we didnt know his age my classmate got him a question mark candle LOLLLL omg she took a photo of him posing with the cake and he has the cutest smile in the fucking world i feel soooo so fucking crazy . eye smile + smile = my inevitable death . anyway i was the one who cut the cake and he was like 'you can do it i believe in you' and i wanted to scream LIKE YOU CANT JUST SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO MEEEEEEEE gfdsgfdsgdsgdsfgfdsgdfs
anyway i did that and we passed out cake to people and my classmate handed me a plate and told me to give it to the professor and i was like omggggg it can't be meeeeeeee >__< after all that the final started and then it ended and my friend and i stayed and hung out in his office for like thirty mins :3 guys.... i learned so much about him omg he did an #AgeReveal and i was shocked to find out that i was initially way off omg at first when i saw him i thought he was twenty seven but if he's a professor he has to be older... also just as the semes went on i was like oh yeah he's gotta be in his early thirties at least.... anyway omg . he asked us if we were going to be here in the fall and when we said ya he SAID !!!!!! that he's going to get us souvenirs from his trip to jpn I ALMOST DIED !?!?!?!??!!?!!?!?!?!?!
please give me a moment i feel so ill thinking about it . omg . omg . he's the nicest fucking person in the world omgggggg omggggg i'm going to throw up and start balding holy fuck i STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT AOUGH AOUGHHHHH T____T i feel so crazy . not to sound corny or whatever but the fact that he's going to purposefully intentionally think about getting me a little souvenir gift during his little vacation um . yeah that'll kill a guy
he's going for a month to visit his younger sister which is so cute to me.... we also learned that he used to have shoulder length hair and i felt so crazy in that moment i hope he grows it out again he'd be soooo . haha hey . anyway i can't believe all of that happened. OH FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT WHEN WE LEFT HE HUGGED US BOTH I DIED THREE TIMES IN THIRTY MINUTES !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HE HUGGED MY CLASSMATE FIRST BECAUSE SHE LEFT FIRST SO I HAD LIKE A MINUTE TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF (#NORMAL) AND omg i was holding a plate of cake in one hand which i was really focusing on not dropping so when he hugged me i pretty much blacked out and when i messaged my friend immediately after she asked me how it felt and all i could say was 'he felt solid' GFDSGFDSGFDSGSDFG
#KYAAAAAAAAAAAA I STILL CANT BELIEVE ALL THAT HAPPENED WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF#thank god i failed english last semester truly omfg#omg . omg#sometimes bad awful terrible things are meant to happen kyaaaaa#gjdfgjkdsfgjdsfhjgdfhksgjdfsjkghdfjsghjdsgdsfgs#guys . i just . i cant believe it#also it wasnt like a side hug or whateverrrrr it was a full hug and i almost threw up i cant believe ittttt#he was warm i think#i need to die#i died ten times in that single second#i feel crazy i mean neurodivergent#he was so nice to meeeee#i was probably cringe and awkward a few times but it's okay we're ignoring thattttt#also i had him look over my intro and he said it was good LMAOOOO#hes so cute it's crazy#my god#also before he started the final he said a lot of nice things about the class and said he'd gladly write letters of recs for us if we#need it i was like awww#i didnt even think of that....#ouagh i need him so bad#ss#ALSO I GAVE HIM THE CARD i was a little awkward about itttt dgsjdkgfs but disregarding that he was nice he said it was sweet of me hehe :3#i hope he doesnt think it's weird or cringeeeee#i slapped a sillay sticker on it hehe#save
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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I'm not a "new musical theatre style music" person. Never have been.
Even when I was doing voice lessons, I'd steer towards the golden age or jazzy musical theatre songs. My voice teacher would have to drag me kicking and screaming towards adding anything new musical theatre to my repertoire. For a while, the most modern song in my book was I Know The Truth from Aida, and I wouldn't count that as new musical theatre style since I mean more the Pasek&Paul or Joe Iconis type.
And now I have an audition coming up for a small production of a show in that style and I'm supposed to sing a song in a similar style. And I'm looking at all my sheet music like... let me do some Cole Porter... or Gershwin... at least Sondheim please...
#look i do have SOME newer musicals in my book. but like i said. kicking and screaming.#i'm probably gonna end up doing 'I Think That He Likes Me' which is not IN a musical it's just new musical theatre style#as part of a songbook for some writing duo that i can't remember the name of and it's 2:45am so i can't care enough to look it up.#and it's the only one in my sheet music folder that i'm like 'ok. this is TRULY the right style' and i know it's good in my voice#and it's a cute song and i do like it and it definitely fits the overall vibe of the show#and though i haven't sung it in like 4 years i still remember 90% of the words and have time to study it before the audition#but while trying to find that song deep deep in my folder i pass by other songs i just love so much more#and i'm like ahhhhhhhh why#and i'm not even like 'god i hope i get it' (see A Chorus Line. that's more my type) i truly don't care if i'm cast or not#and yes i can technically audition with any song i could ever want it's just suggested to do the same style#but i know the entire creative panel who i'll be auditioning for and the last 2 times i auditioned for them i sang the same song#only because it's a GOOD song that fit both shows i was auditioning for (Can't Stop Talking About Him by Frank Loesser)#(perfect audition song since it's short at like 28 bars and you can pick the tempo and do a lot of character stuff)#(but see this is what i mean. like 1/3 of my entire sheet music folder is golden age musicals. then half is 60s-90s.)#(and then the last chunk are the few new-ish musical theatre and some pop music.)#(if i took performing more seriously i'd have a wider range but this is truly just for fun and just for me. so i do what i like.)#i don't want to go in for a 3rd audition with the same creative team and doing the same song. especially since it doesn't fit this time.#so once again. dragged kicking and screaming. over to new musical theatre territory. unwillingly.#if i get cast we'll have to see if the show itself even grows on me since honestly i think there's maybe 2 songs i like in it.#it's definitely not the worst new musical theatre style show but it's also not one that drew me in.#ok wait while looking through lists of 'new musical theatre' shows to find one i actually like (i think just Legally Blonde sorry guys)#(every other new musical in the last 20 years that i like did something interesting with the music like Come From Away)#i ended up finding out that apparently 13 was adapted into a netflix movie? when did that even happen?#i mean i don't care for that show either but i thought i was at least up to date on movie adaptations.
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i said i wouldn’t do it this time but it’s 3am and mods asleep. boy
#welcome to another episode of Luke is insane abt hockey boy!#this time featuring a guy who is actually this time almost (ALMOST) confirmed to be queer#the almost is partly me being insane because I don’t trust anything anymore#but like. there are only so many reasons you wear pride converse. that is not ally behaviour#it just threw me this time I think bc I’d been like no. heterosexual. bc I think I became aware of him when he joined the real hockey team#because the OTHER problem is that the whole time I’d been thinking he was cute as hell (bc he is) and simultaneously being like no. bad.#anyway this meant that I have actually talked to him a bunch without overthinking it this term which honestly has been very cool#not like a whole lot but we’ve played together a decent amount and hopefully will keep doing that#and yesterday discovered hes recommending other people talk to me abt goalieing which is insane to me bc I am truly not that good#but apparently I made an impression!#anyway it does not help that this guy has gotten incredibly good at hockey in the past few months#idk man I make bad decisions (I say as if this was a decision) bc it is now the end of term once again <3#which means absolutely nothing can or will happen until after summer. which isn’t an issue#I’m just frustrated by my tendency to realise these things right before I’m about to not see the guy for X period of time#I also desperately need to stop crushing on hockey boys I swear but in my defence that is the main way I meet people#I think I’m cursed actually. that would explain many things#anyway he also has exams until next Tuesday which means he’ll be at hockey next week but idk abt this week which is devastating#i just wanna have talk to the guy more honestly to see how that goes bc we’ve not rlly talked individually for an extended time yknow.#in other words we have not had A Conversation it’s been groups or like quicker exchanges#he’s kinda quiet but i can’t quite tell which way yknow. I know he’s Watching basically all the time. and he is slightly awkward#which is also kinda cute. he gets a lil rambly when he talks abt hockey and I wanna push that button more#i. topsy if you’re reading this you’re gonna laugh so hard I just realised. he’s captain of the team now.#which sidenote is INSANE bc he started playing with them THIS YEAR#but oh my god. okay.#anyway. I need to start complimenting guys more for multiple reasons but also#1. he dresses very cool 2. he caught me looking at his shirt last week without saying anything (BEFORE I caught the rainbow converse)#i compliment women on their clothes and jewellery and hair and shit all the time but I do not with men bc. I mean do I need to explain.#but this is so unfair I am haunted by existence of boy and here we are once again. posting on tumblr with the possibility of seeing him lik#two more times before summer. might be three or four depending on what he comes to#luke.txt
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i still can't get over my roommate implying i was autistic and my friend pulling out her phone to show me the "i'm like if a beautiful woman was an autistic little boy" meme that she'd been saving for the occasion someone acknowledged it
#HELLO#guys i try so hard to be normal how the fuck are people noticing#ALSO WHY ARE THEY ACKNOWLEDGING IT#my other friend who is actually diagnosed with autism is also such a little bitch about this#if i flinch at noises or say something a lil too blunt he pulls me aside and goes 'are u having a tism moment' cause he's terminally online#just the audacity of people to point out that ur being weird when ur being weird. HELLO RUDE#my roommate and i had a long convo about this because she's Implied this multiple times#and the first time she said it in front of people. after we went home i was like 'do u really think im autistic'#and she went 'well you know i think it's a spectrum and you're def on it but also i know lots of autistic people who have happy lives!'#and girl what the FUCK. why are u so comfortable talking to me like that#i just got very very agitated because someone's phone was ringing for a whole fucking min and they were just ignoring it. what's WRONG WITH#HER. and im allowed to have sensory issues without it being autism ok shut the fuck up#anyways. i truly don't know how im supposed to react if someone says something like this. because a. im not diagnosed#b. people are far too comfortable armchair diagnosing me. like im not Trying to be different from what's socially acceptable leave me alone#c. but i also don't want to make a big deal about it because they're just jokign around but also the joke is that im constantly weird#can someone tell me how im supposed to react to this#honestly im kinda scared to post this on the autism website.#please don't be too mean to me
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