crowpickles

[crowpickles]

Dick Grayson:

*runs the titans*

*works for the league*

*has a day job*

*solo patrols bludhaven*

*solo patrols New York*

*on call 24/7 for regularly scheduled Gotham crisis(es)*

*training at least 40% of new gen heroes at any given moment*

*infiltrating the current annoying cult, corrupt gov, spy organization, company, mafia group, evil underground ancestral foundations of a city and random corrupt modeling industry*

*monitoring drug pedaling in 3 cities*

*emotionally regulating 80% of his family bc why would they do it themselves? Nah let’s just ruin relationships for fun -cough Bruce cough-*

* maintaining civilian cover*

*canonically does volunteer work*

I am beginning to think nightwing doesn’t have anger issues he’s just overstimulated bc wtf

Like Dick take a break what is this?

————

Dick currently working on infiltrating the mob, after 4 days of 6+ hour patrols bc bludhaven has no chill an Arkham breakout, a performance review at work that took too long, organizing a titans outer space mission, just got back from training Jon Kent: no one call me plz god no one call me I can’t do this I have so much work no one. Call me plz

*phone rings* -it’s tim

He could ignore it but last time he left Tim alone for a month the dumbass lost his spleen and decided a cowl was a fashion choice (equally bad in his opinion)

Dick picking up the phone with his non broken arm: yello

Tim: so I accidentally maybe got kidnapped and maybe also started a cult around the concept of Batman and I’m out of energy drinks. (All equally dire in tims opinion)

Dick popping 4 caffeine pills: shut up I’ll be there in 30 don’t DO ANYTHing.

—————

Jason: sooo I might be engaged to an alien princess

Dick about to pop a Xanax: tell me it’s Kori or at least in this galaxy

Jason: nope

Dick: …. Can it wait

Jason: she wants to eat me, their species is like a praying mantis knockoff but with space and mind control.

Dick: yeah okay give me an hour I’ll call raven

————

Damian: hello Richard

Dick: what did you do.

Damian: I have been kidnapped by my mother

Dick: again

Damian: I feel it would be redundant to say anything

Dick: …….. alright I’ll call the nearest flying hero be there in a bit… keep ur spine where it is Damian or I swear to god-

——————

Bruce: cult

Dick who just got done with an undercover mission: anddd?

Bruce: we need someone to infiltrate it

Dick: I swear to god I. will. hurt. you

Bruce: hnnnn

——-

Babs: I have… acquired a child

Dick who is fighting deathstroke : …okayyyy

Babs who is watching the fight: she’s a little bit … traumatized

Dick, dodging a katana: preaching to the choir

Babs: can you do your whole, human empathy and kindness tell me ur life story I have puppy dog eyes.

Dick: ….

Babs: you owe me

Dick: … one day I will delete all your numbers and disappear

Babs cheerfully: you know no matter where you go I can find you hunk wonder see you in 3 hours don’t die before then!

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also i feel like batman is too paranoid not to teach his kids to use a gun just in case

"erm actually Batman didn't teach any of his Robins how to handle a gun—" absolutely NOT. In Alfred Pennyworth's household? Don't make me laugh. Every single one of those kids have perfect trigger discipline.

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was playing one of those competitive combat games (random dice specifically if anyone was curious) and i was thinking about how tim would absolutely be one of those types of people who is incredibly competitive and would start very one-sided rivalries with anyone. and i think it'd also fuel him to become too fucking good at the games he plays

tim, playing some random competitive game on his phone:

random user: beats tim's ass

tim:

tim: oh it's fucking on, bubble_jester17392. *proceeds to fucking grind HARD on the game, becomes OP af, then hacks the game to make it so that they match again and beats their ass*

and i also feel like sometimes he might do some low-level stalking of some people, depending on how much of a vendetta he has against them and probably also his mood tbh. i don't think he'd really go too much further than that, because he does has morals and he is not going to become a villain over a video game and he stands by that, but knowing who information about the assholes that keep beating him at snake.io or whatever makes him feel better dammit. not that really anyone knows about the vendettas other than maybe like steph or kon

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to me this feels like the most obvious thing ever but i feel like jason is acearo and have always made that assumption tbh so when i started seeing posts about him being in relationships with literally anyone it was so fucking surprising to me 😭😭😭

like i feel like he'd probably be in a qpr with at least roy, if not both roy and kori, but otherwise i feel like he's probably incredibly sex/romance repulsed most of the time. you could maybe convince he's more aroflux and maybe that he's not ace but to me it feels so unnatural for him to be in a relationship 90% of the time. i just really don't think that that's the type of thing that's ever on his mind

maybe it's just the fact that i'm acearo and see so much of myself in him but like idk i just can't imagine him as alloromantic

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i mean to be fair? him saying that it's actually kyrptonian sounds kinda made up, especially when he first becomes a hero and there are literally no other people from his home planet around. and even with his powers, you could theoretically say that he got them from some sort of freak accident like some other heroes in the universe

Lois: “What does the S stand for?”

Clark, desperately trying not to crack up and solemnly defend the Kryptonian symbol on his chest which just so happens to look JUST like an S: “It’s not an S.”

Lois:

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Tim, making chicken and dumpling soup, dropping a dumpling on the floor: This is sadder than the time I lost my spleen.

Bruce, choking on his coffee: Excuse me?

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Batman pulls out a long pointer and emphatically slaps it onto a projection screen currently displaying a slide which states, in jagged white letters, YOU WOULDN’T EMBEZZLE A BATMOBILE

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Joker dies bcs during his big dramatic speech of the day he tries to be be all insane and funny by pretending to shoot himself in the head with his BANG! flag gun but he fucks up getting distracted by flirting with Batman and mixes up his guns and he shoots himself in the face in front of the bats. Jason, who was being bodily held back from shooting him himself by Bruce and Dick for the past 15 minutes, laughs so hard he fractures a rib and has to be carried back to the batmobile

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12 year old, 4'4ft Jason: Tall people really act like they earned their height

17 year old, 5'10ft Dick: Short people really act like we stole their height

Bruce, internally: [don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh-]

-

[Years later]

19 year old, 6'2ft Jason: Hey, remember when I stole your height? Good times

24 year old 5'10 Dick:

Dick: First oF ALL, YOU SASQUATCH SIZED BITCH-

Bruce, internally: [DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH-]

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This is probably a hot take but I don't think anybody actually cares who Batman is outside of the GCPD and conspiracy theorists.

When Batman first shows up he's a friggen poltergeist. He's a cryptid. For a second there maybe people thought he was just a creepypasta.

Then when people start to think… actually it kinda seems like he's a guy…? Like, he's a real…? Person…???

Then the GCPD is like, 'Okay, well, then he's breaking laws.'

But your average schmo is like, 'And? Yeah he's a guy; he gave me fifty bucks to get home last night. Right after he saved me from an acid piranha pit.'

But the thing is, Bats has his own personality. He's a whole person as the mask. People don't ask who Superman's secret identity is because, as far as they're concerned, Superman is just Superman, and when they can't see him, it's because he went home. It would be the same with Batman. They probably think he sleeps or hangs upside-down all day.

I think Gothamites like him as Just Batman; he's the city's pet monster, and they like it that way.

I think we get super caught up in the, "Batman's secret identity might be revealed! 😱" because Batman's secret identity is famous. But if someone unmasked Clark or Barry or Hal it would be like

"…I have no idea who this is."

And they expect the same of Batman.

GCPD wants to know so they can arrest him, conspiracy theorists want to know because they wanna know where he fits into the machine, gossip columnists want to know so they can get catch some drama, and real-person fanfic authors wanna know so they can accurately describe him when he takes his mask off to kiss Bruce Wayne.

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Tim Drake, about trying to convince Batman to not almost kill criminals and himself:

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Headcanon that when Duke becomes comfortable with the family he instantly starts pulling the Black Card to win an argument.

The first time it happens is when Batman asks him to stay late in the cave to go over some reports but Duke is tired Damnit and B isn't listening to his protests so he pulls his best sad face and asks "Is it because I'm Black?" When Bruce says that Duke can't ask his siblings to cover for him. Cue the biggest panic that any of them have seen in a long time as Batman switches to Bruce and starts assuring him and telling Duke to go relax.

From there Duke has realised he's gotten a get out of jail free card that he uses carefully (Re: to get out of a gala early, to get his favourite food for dinner a couple of times.)

Using it on his siblings only works once or twice before they start on the orphan card that rarely works as they're all orphaned one way or another.

One time he used it on a villain and they almost instantly stopped beating him up to protest the accused racism.

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Bruce: Alright, Chum, seen as your twenty one you can have a drink too.

Dick: awww, babies first shot!

Bruce: he won’t be doing shots for his first drink-

Tim, down three shots consecutively with a straight face:

Bruce:

Dick:

Alfred:

Damian:

Jason:

Batcow:

Tim: ooo it’s burns, anyway-

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Tim: Here’s a list of suspects I’ve put together so far.

Bruce: Tim, your name’s on this list.

Tim: I don’t remember where I was last Friday night, Bruce. Therefore, I have no alibi. I’ve been tailing myself for the past three days.

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Pie Prank Gone Wrong

Beast Boy (holding a cream pie): This is going to be so funny! Cyborg you want in on this?

Cyborg (sipping coffee from a distance): I'm not getting involved. I may be half-machine, but I'm not stupid.

Beast Boy: You're no fun dude. I bet when he gets hit with this pie he'll laugh.

Cyborg (doubtful): Mm-hm.

The door to Titans Headquarters slid open as two men entered, and Beast Boy immediately splattered the pie right into Jason Todd's face. Roy Harper took a few steps back, a mix of amusement and concern on his expression, while Jason stood there, pie still covering his features, unmoving and silent. Cyborg nodded, having anticipated that this was bound to go wrong.

Cyborg (holding up his coffee): Jason, good to see you!

Beast Boy (covering his mouth): Oh shoot, sorry dude! That was meant for Nightwing. Still funny though, right?

Jason wiped the remnants of the pie from his eyes, Roy Harper took a few more steps back, stifling laughter.

Jason (seething): That's real funny, man.

He forced a fake chuckle, still dripping pie filling.

Jason: Roy, can I see your bow and arrow, please?

Roy (hands over his bow): Sure thing!

Jason (still smirking at Beast Boy): You’ve got ten seconds and then I shoot you with these arrows. As a prank!

Beast Boy: You're kidding?

Jason: 10, 9, 8, 7—

Roy (chuckling): You should turn into a bird; this is not going to end well for you.

Beast Boy: On it!

In an instant, Beast Boy transforms into a hawk and flew out the door just as Jason finished counting down.

Jason: 1! Time to hunt!

Jason bolted after Beast Boy, a determined grin on his face while the animal changing hero flew away. Cyborg took another sip of his coffee while staying seated.

Cyborg: I was just here minding my own business.

Roy: Smart choice.