#he honestly has a bit of a panic disorder and some angry issues

[legionairemutt]

TNP CHAPTER 1 OUTLINE

The chapter begins as Brambleheart awakes up in an odd clearing. It resembles the forest in a way, somewhat similar to Fourtrees, but the land is barren, the wind is howling, and there’s a low rumble on the earth below him. Dazed, he gazes around and finds he’s surrounded by the glimmering pelts of cats. 

In fear and awe, he crouches hissing, until the vaguely scent of his clan, Thunderclan, wafts through his nose. The forms of Bluestar, Lionheart, and an unknown tortoiseshell with a red tail step forward, nodding their heads to Brambleheart in greeting. Lionheart greets his nephew happily, and Brambleheart calms, though his eyes are still wide as he gazes around. 

Bluestar informs him this is not StarClan after he asks, but instead the forest, or rather what it will be. Redtail, who introduces himself, informs Brambleheart he’s been chosen by StarClan to go on a journey. Brambleheart is understandably irritated when they won’t inform him over where, but Redtail lets him know snarkily that he’ll be his guide to find out where. 

Brambleheart can’t ask more questions as the vision suddenly darkens as thunder cracks within his dreams, and the earth swallows him. He finds himself in the more familiar dark forest, where the smell of blood and decay consume his senses. He knows this place from when he was an apprentice, and tries to shake himself awake. 

Amber eyes peer at him from the shadows before he finally jolts awake. 

Brambleheart awakens with a yowl, much to the irritation of Ashfur. Brambleheart reflects on how the two used to be close as fresh apprentices, where Ashpaw had tried to act as a mentor and friend to Bramblepaw. However, he also recalls with great guilt that Brindleface’s murder put a rift between them quickly. Ashpaw tried not to blame Bramblepaw, but as Tawnypaw grew apart from the clan, Ashpaw’s opinion on the two siblings became worse. 

Brambleheart knew it only became worse as he grew close to Fernpaw, and the two former friends were at complete odds now as warriors, as Ferncloud had moved to the nursery expecting Brambleheart’s kits within a few moons of Brambleheart’s warrior ceremony. Ashfur scolds Brambleheart for his constant twitching and yowling in his sleep. Longtail snaps at the two young warriors to either quiet down or go on the dawn patrol. Whitestorm laughs, letting Brambleheart know not to worry too much about the noisy dreaming, saying its a family trait. When Brambleheart winces, Goldenflower quickly corrects her old friend, letting Bramblheart know her brother Lionheart used to snore and growl at pigeons in his dreams. Feeling slightly better, Brambleheart asks Whitestorm if the patrols are planned for the day. Whitestorm informs him he’s barely had a heartbeat awake, but he’ll put him on the dawn patrol since he seems so eager. After a sarcastic but joking ‘thank you’, Brambleheart gets up to go check on his mate before he leaves.

Brambleheart is unfortunately intercepted when he is practically bowled over by Shrewpaw and Squirrelkit’s reckless play-fighting. The two essentially trip the young warrior, who nearly crashes down on top of them. Already frazzled and tired from his odd dreams, Brambleheart snaps at the two of them, with Squirrelkit arguing back about his grumpy attitude. The two start hissing, only to be snapped at by Firestar, who scolds them both for being childish. Squirrelkit argues back that she IS a child, and should have a free pass. Firestar informs them that if they can’t get along, they shouldn’t be near each other, and orders Brambleheart to go with Thornclaw, Spiderpaw, and Sandstorm on Dawn Patrol. Brambleheart mumbles his acceptance, embarrassed to be scolded by his former mentor. 

Brambleheart thinks both fondly and warily about how Firestar had slowly grown to be a father figure to him, despite his initial feelings of resentment. Firestar still often reminded him of how he should be behaving as a warrior, and clearly had very high expectations of Brambleheart. Still, his leader always seem weary when Brambleheart was upset, especially with other clanmates. He and Squirrelkit had always been close, as Brambleheart considered her his little sister, but unlike his gentle relationship with Leafkit, Squirrelkit found it fun to annoy him and argue. He didn’t mind it either, though it did upset him when Firestar became mad about their arguing. 

Brambleheart slinks up to where Sandstorm was waiting, only to receive a gentle lick to the cheek before Sandstorm pawed his head down to groom his ears. Sandstorm chided him for looking like a scolded kit, joking that his big size made it look ridiculous. Brambleheart tries to defend himself, but Sandstorm waves him off as Spiderpaw and Thornclaw padd up. Brambleheart notes that Spiderpaw is nearly as tall as Sandstorm, despite being freshly apprenticed. 

The patrol sets out to the ShadowClan border, and Brambleheart tries not to let his mind wander as they approach the rumbling thunderpath. His thoughts go to his sister, Tawnyshade, and how much he misses her. He’d hardly gotten used to not talking to her, as they often snuck off to meet at the border. Firestar had been less strict about it after the Bloodclan battle, but now that moons had passed, his leader had become wary of Brambleheart’s shadowclan ties. Sandstorm fell back in step with him and he realized he’d been lagging behind the patrol. She gently reminds him the gathering will be soon, and she can ask Firestar to allow him to go. Brambleheart thanks her, and admits he was just worried for her after some bad dreams. Sandstorm gives him a comforting lick, and reminds him Tawnyshade has a whole clan to support her. Brambleheart reluctantly agrees. With one last look at the border, they continue the patrol. 

Thornclaw lets out a growl as they spot a ShadowClan patrol across the way. Brambleheart recognizes the three warriors, being Rowanclaw, Wetfoot and Nightwhisper, though he couldn’t recall the apprentices names. Nightwhisper’s grin at him from across the path sent a shiver down Brambleheart’s spine and he had to look away, training his eyes on Rowanclaw. Brambleheart recalls that Nightwhisper was one of the rogues brought into the clans by his father, Tigerstar. No doubt there was still some level of loyalty, and Nightwhisper’s recognizing him only made his pelt prickle. 

Rowanclaw seemed to squint back at Brambleheart, their head tilting. Brambleheart gave them a small wave with his tail, trying to come off as friendly to excuse his rude staring. Rowanclaw’s fur bristled and they looked away, much to Brambleheart’s confusion. He briefly wondered if he’d made them uncomfortable with the familiarity, as they must know quite a bit about him from Tawnyshade. He turned slightly away from the patrol as Sandstorm yowls at Wetfoot to move along. Wetfoot hisses back that they’d been lurking there too, but nods at his patrol to move. 

As they walked away, Spiderpaw grumbled about why they didn’t confront them from lurking around the border. Thornclaw growls that normally they would, but Sandstorm quickly corrects him, stating it wasn’t necessary to confront a patrol for marking their borders. It’s what patrols are for after all. Brambleheart notices as Sandstorm puts herself between the thunder path and Spiderpaw and remembers that her apprentice Sorrelpaw was currently recovering from an injury after being attacked by a monster. He winces in sympathy, thinking about how hard it must be to deal with that. 

The patrol goes fine for the rest, and on the walk back, Sandstorm mentions that Brambleheart seems distracted. Brambleheart fumbles through an explanation, talking about his worry for his kits, his bad dreams, and the worry for Tawnyshade. Sandstorm attempts to comfort him, saying she noticed his reaction to Nightwhisper and asked if he still blamed himself for what his father did. Brambleheart can’t help his mumbled reply that everyone else still seems to, and Sandstorm is slightly hurt, asking him if he resents them because he thinks that. Brambleheart is equally hurt, now feeling blamed for his feelings, but swallows it quickly. He denies it, saying he could never resent the family who truly loves him, and Sandstorm licks his ears comforting, apologizing for the fact that Firestar is so harsh to him sometimes. She promises him he means the best, but acknowledges that the stress and memories sometimes get to him. 

Brambleheart keeps him thoughts to himself, thinking about how Tawnyshade had left after feeling blamed, and the clan had reacted by comparing her further to Tigerstar. Brambleheart recalls how he works everyday not to be a reminder, noting that he’s sometimes exhausted by the worry of it. He wonders briefly if it will ever change before acknowledging Sandstorm’s attempts at comforting him. He mentions how he should probably talk to Firestar about it, and Sandstorm notes that it’s probably a good idea. 

Once the patrol arrives back at the camp, Brambleheart is surprised to see the clan gathered around Highrock. He takes a seat next to his siblings, Lynxclaw and Swiftwing, winces as he realizes he had seated himself next to Ashfur. Surprisingly, the gray tom greets him warmly, joking that Brambleheart would have to move his nest closer to make room for the new warriors. Brambleheart purrs about the fact that he might finally be warmer, and Ashfur mocks him asking if being cold is the reason for the dreams. Brambleheart awkwardly laughs a confirmation and is oddly happy to see Ashfur acting friendly towards him again. 

Firestar calls the meeting to a start, bringing Rainpaw and Sootpaw forward for their warrior names. The two young apprentices confidently ask Firestar to delay their warrior ceremonies, as they want to wait for Sorrelpaw to recover. Ashfur mumbles something beside him, though Brambleheart can’t tell what it it. Brambleheart is well aware from Ferncloud that Ashfur still grieves heavily for his mother, and sometimes is saddened by the fact Whitestorm took the two cats in after suddenly revealing he sired them. 

Brambleheart had at first been sympathetic, though his own admiration for Whitestorm had made it difficult to understand why Ashfur was so resentful towards the tom. What he wouldn’t give to have a father who was so noble, kind, and loving. 

Feeling tears prick his eyes at the sudden rush of memories, he jerked his head back to where Firestar had begun speaking. Firestar quickly announces that Squirrelkit and Leafkit are ready to be apprenticed. The two had been in the nursery for six moons now, with Sandstorm filtering in and out with the help of Ferncloud and Brightheart. Sorrelpaw’s training had been taken over by Swiftwing when Sandstorm had first moved to the nursery, but with the help of Firestar, Brambleheart himself, and the other queens, Sandstorm had been able to pick her training back up. Sandstorm had been grateful for it, seeing as nursery life didn’t suit her much. Firestar had loved it, considering he stayed in camp most days it was easy for him to spend his days in the nursery. 

Brambleheart’s pelt prickled with anticipation. He had often discussed with his two parental figures about how he wanted to mentor one of the two when they were old enough. He’d always hoped it’d be Squirrelkit, consider how despite how much the two argue, they were the closest. Squirrelkit even grinned at him as she padded up to the rock next to Leafkit. Sandstorm padded over, slipping between him and Ashfur to nudge Brambleheart gently. The smile on the mollys face reassured him even more. 

Firestar called Squirrelkit and Leafkit forward, granting them their apprentice names. He began with Leafpaw, and Brambleheart’s paws tingled with excitement. Just as Firestar began to name Cinderpelt as her mentor, Leafpaw spoke up, asking that she be made a medicine cat apprentice. Firestar looked to Brackenfur, and Brambleheart could tell it had been discussed briefly, but never agreed on. Brackenfur purrs, saying he’d happily take Leafpaw on as his apprentice. Leafpaw’s ceremony continues and Brambleheart purrs, happy that Leafpaw was confident in her decision. 

Squirrelpaw was twitching and fidgeting from her spot and Brambleheart almost laughed at the excitement. Sandstorm purred beside him, and the twitch of Firestar’s tail told Brambleheart he was trying not to scold his daughter for the behavior. He called her forward, glancing over the crowd. 

For a second, their eyes met, and Firestar’s eyes darkened. Brambleheart could feel a palpable tension cast between them and suddenly his vision went spiraling. 

Visions of fire rose up around him. The smell of blood and the roar of a large beast erupted in his ears. Trees toppled before him and as he blinked, it was gone. Brambleheart blinked, and he realized Firestar’s eyes were still locked with his, both of their expressions dazed and scared. Firestar shock his head, and the clan began to murmur in the silence. 

Squirrelpaw loudly broke the quiet, complaining and asking if she was getting her mentor or not. Firestar scolded her to be patient, before looking to Brackenfur, then Sandstorm, then back to Brambleheart. Something heavy sank in Brambleheart’s gut, but Firestar took a visible breath, nodding to Brambleheart. 

He called out his name and relief washed over the young warrior. He padded forward, limbs heavy and he almost sank his claws into the ground to prevent from shaking. He could feel eyes on him, and they weren’t those of his clanmates. They were burning his pelt with their intensity. A look at Firestar told him he felt them too. He could see his leader wavering, playing through optionsi n his head. 

It was clear there was tension in Firestar’s voice as he named Brambleheart Squirrelpaw’s mentor. The brown tabby forced a smile as he bent to touch noses with his adopted sister. Squirrelpaw knew nothing of the tension. Firestar, to his credit, tried his best, cutting in a joke in the ceremony about Brambleheart passing on both his loyalty and sense of duty, and to make especially sure to teach Squirrelpaw how to follow instructions. The catarwaul from the young molly made Brambleheart laugh. 

The ceremony ceased with the cheers of the two new apprentices, and Squirrelpaw began rambling about how much she wanted to start training that moment. Brambleheart laughed, even as he caught a glimpse of Ashfur storming off, tail lashing after a long glare at Brambleheart. He’d barely noticed his former friend’s reaction during the ceremony, but it was clear he wasn’t happy. 

Sandstorm chuckled as she padded up, though Brambleheart could see the raised line of fur down her neck and spine. The tension had clearly put her on edge. Still, the cream molly joked about how they weren’t gonna leave them two alone to argue all the time just yet, and that she’d like to give Squirrelpaw her first lesson in hunting, if Brambleheart didn’t mind. The young tom obliged, silently thanking the molly for the moment of peace. Firestar padded up beside him, dipping his head as his mate and daughter walked off. 

The pointed look told Brambleheart to follow, and the two toms padded into Firestar’s den. Once there, it was clear both were stressed, as Firestar circled his nest, laid down, before stiffening and sitting back up after looking at Brambleheart. The tom shrank into himself, remembering the recounted tale of Tigerclaw’s betrayal of Bluestar. 

Brambleheart stammered out an apology, for what he wasn’t sure. He couldn’t stand the look of fear and concern and wariness on his leader’s face, especially towards him. Firestar’s ears flattened, tail twitched, and then his face softened, as if the image of the treacherous warrior finally faded and he could see his former apprentice once again. Brambleheart had always hated that look, even since he was a kit. He practically sank down into a crouch as FIrestar approached him, sitting in front of him and giving his ears a lick. 

Firestar confirms he’d seen the vision too, and it had rattled him. He wasn’t entirely sure what it meant, or why they both received it. Fire and a tiger and a ruined forest, Firestar mumbled, wondering briefly if Starclan was sending a warning. Brambleheart nearly choked, saying he hoped they didn’t mean him, stammering about how he’d never do something like that to destroy his home, his clan, or everyones trust in him. Firestar looked guilty suddenly, and hushed the young warrior, much like a kit. He apologized for passing on his fears, saying that the message was probably not a sign about Brambleheart, but something else. 

Brambleheart considered sharing his dream, and the strange, but familiar smell of mint wafted in. It was strong, and slightly sweet, and Firestar’s nose twitched, though his expression morphed from anticipation to confusion. He sighed, and bent down to groom Brambleheart’s ears again. 

Firestar noted he’d take Brackenfur to the Moon Stone and see if he could get answers. In the meantime, he added that Sandstorm had told him about his worries for Tawnyshade. Brambleheart’s pelt prickled as Firestar asked if he missed her. Brambleheart confirmed, noting that he’d heard the stories about Firestar’s own sister and how he’d missed her. Firestar agreed, but noted that it was important to learn where you belonged as a clan cat, and know when to let go of ties and dedicate yourself. Brambleheart nearly lashed out, angry at being lectured for missing the sibling the clan forced out, but kept it in, as Firestar continued. He let him know that it was alright to miss someone, and alright to feel like you had something to proof. However, it was important to prove it. 

He also said that he didn’t want Brambleheart sneaking behind his back to go see her. Brambleheart half-heartedly retorted asking if he’d let him if he asked. Firestar smirked slightly, saying that on occassion he’d allow it, but if Blackstar ever caught him he’d deny it until his pelt turned black. Brambleheart purred at that, saying he’d act properly scolded if the need arose. Firestar laughed, before settling and saying he could visit Tawnyshade tonight, but to inform him of how it went. He didn’t want there to be secrets between them. 

Brambleheart once again considered his dream, but Firestar sent him away to rest, noting the tom looked tired. He pointed out his nearly constant arguments with some of his clanmates, and Brambleherat reluctantly agreed it was because he didn’t sleep well. he had no desire to mention Ashfur’s blaming him for the past. 

[prettyboy-asmo]

Brothers (+Diavolo and Solomon) reaction to GN! MC fainting

A request from @bigg-crybaby  HC for how the brothers + Diavolo and Solomon react to the MC fainting because of a diet/ ED.

TW: Discussion of EDs, Diets, disordered eating, fainting.

Note: Disordered eating is something I’ve struggled with in the past, so I know that like most things in life it’s experienced very differently for each individual. I also want to make a note that My messages/ask box is always open to anyone who might need to talk for whatever reason. (I also put all the tags i could think of for tw but if I missed one please let me know so I can correct it.)

Lucifer:

It happens one day when you join him in his office to work on your homework for RAD, you just want to be able to work in peace and don’t have the energy to listen to the usual bickering.

you stand up to grab something you’d left in your room and suddenly the room is tilting and oh boy, you think, because you know how this goes. 

Lucifer catches you before you hit the floor and sits you in the armchair, unsure of what to do.

Lowkey panicking but trying very hard to keep a semblance of calm. 

you don’t appear to be in any immediate danger, so he messages his brothers and asks if they noticed anything strange with you lately. as his brothers respond the pieces finally put themselves together. 

Mammon replies first- They were sleepin late today and when I woke em up they insisted on skippin breakfast to be on time. then comes Satan’s reply, they didn’t eat at lunch, they said they’d gotten some snacks between Classes from Beel and went to study instead. And finally, Beel, I didn’t see them at all this morning.

When you’re aware, you’re greeted by Lucifer’s concerned gaze. “MC,When is the last time you ate?” for a moment you expect Lucifer to be angry, but his expression remains concerned. “Please talk to me, MC,” 

Eventually, you admit that you last ate at Dinner the night before, finally telling him that you’re struggling- it’s a habit, You tell him, suddenly unable to meet his gaze, Sometimes I can’t even stand the thought of a meal.

He’s angry with himself for not noticing before now, and he swallows his pride and Admits he doesn’t really know how to help- but that doesn’t mean he won’t learn.

He makes a point to sit with you at meals- if it’s too much for you, eating around so many people, He’ll start taking you to his study or his room to eat with him. 

Lucifer is gentle about the whole thing, but not patronizing or babying. He’ll ask you to take an extra bite, or sit you down and tell you to eat, but he still treats you as an adult, besides his extra vigilance of your eating habits, he treats you no different then before- he knows you are anything but Fragile (Or at least, no more so than the average human is fragile to a demon.) 

He tells you that you can deal with this together, and he means it. Good days and Bad days both, he’s right there with you. 

Mammon:

You’re walking back to the house from RAD with him when you’re suddenly aware you’re very light headed. You sway once, hand trying to grip Mammon for stability, then tip forward as black edges around your vision. 

Mammon Catches you and is instantly in Protective Panic mode

He doesn’t know what to do in the slightest- he spends a few seconds weighing his options before turning in the direction of Purgatory Hall- the only other Human must have an idea, right? 

He doesn’t make it very far by the time you’re already stirring in his hold, a little out of it as he slows his movements, afraid to jostle you, but he’s rambling- “Ya can’t die on me, Human, alright? I’m your first man and I’m supposed to protect ya!” 

You tell Mammon you’re not dying, urging him to just take you back to the House of Lamentation. 

He hesitates but relents when you promise to explain things. Refuses to let you walk back though, he doesn’t want a repeat performance. 

You explain that you’d saw this diet going around- how being surrounded by incredibly fit and attractive demons spurred you to try it so that maybe you could feel a little better about things- but you hadn’t had breakfast, or lunch, and dinner last night- he knows you didn’t eat enough to fill or keep your energy up.

He’s heartbroken. “MC, ya don’t need to try any of that bullshit, ya hear? You’re perfect. And ya gotta eat to work! Humans especially!” 

He’s constantly checking that you’ve eaten enough. Even if you insist on only eating specific things, he always makes sure they’re available to you. Even when he’s not on dinner Duty he’ll make a specific dish on the side if it makes you feel more comfortable and keeps you healthy. 

Mammon becomes much more open with giving compliments, no longer hidden behind jabs. 

He might go a little overboard with his protectiveness/ checking in sometimes, but if you tell him he’ll back off after making you promise to tell him if you need him for anything at all.

Still lowkey keeps track of things, just to make sure you actually are okay, just doesn’t vocalize it as much. 

Leviathan:

You and Levi are playing games in his room when it happens. You’re exchanging your usual banter, both of you focused on the screen of the game when Levi notices you go quiet. 

You blink a couple of times, the controller in your hands feels heavier all of a sudden, and you can’t quite remember the right button combinations to press- or even focus on the game.

It all happens within seconds, your vision goes black and you drop the controller, the noise of the game and Levi’s panicked voice seemingly coming through a long tunnel. 

Levi Panics. He abandons his own controller and game, “MC? MC!?” he shakes your shoulder slightly, breathing a sigh of relief as you stir. 

 Your head is throbbing and you can feel the slight shake in your limbs

“You fainted,” Levi said, his frantic worry still evident in his voice, the way his hand lingers on your shoulder despite how adverse he usually is to physical affection, “Are you Okay? Have you been feeling sick?” 

I’m not sick, you say quietly, “I’m sorry,” His genuine concern stirs something in you, and you’re crying before you even realize what’s happening, “I’m sorry for scaring you.” 

“Wha- no, No don’t apologize!” You want to shake your head, but the lingering dizziness prevents you from doing so. “Do you know what happened? S-Should we get you a doctor or-” 

“No doctors,” you say quickly, “I- Uh, I haven’t eaten today,”  His confused expression draws the admittance out of you, “I didn’t feel like I should.” Oh. Oh. 

He understands a little bit, his own self esteem isn’t the best and he’s had his share of self deprecating thoughts but to see something like that manifest in you...he can’t stand it. 

He’ll help you in any way he can. He’ll even leave his room for every meal and go to RAD to have lunch with you everyday if that’s what you need. 

Makes a habit about asking if you’ve eaten that day. He’d even started carrying around little packages of snacks that you enjoy in case you haven’t and insist you at least share one with him

His worry for you is obvious, but not really suffocating. He understands the need for space, so as long as you can assure him you are actually alright, and that you’ll at least eat a little and that if you start having issues you’ll come to him, he won’t have an issue stepping back for a bit. 

Will still attend meals to make sure that you are to, and subtly watches to make sure you actually eat things from your plate.

Offers his room to you anytime you need. Is it easier for you to eat while you have something else to distract you? Dinner time Anime sessions it is. 

Satan:

You finish the book Satan had given you, realizing the other book he’d recommended for you is on the couch next to him. You stand just a little too fast and you curse your mistake as the familiar feeling of falling takes over. 

Surprisingly calm. Catches you seconds after he notices what’s happening. 

You become more aware in Satan's hold. He’s maneuvering you to his now empty spot on the couch, setting you down and saying something, you’re still a little fuzzy, but when his eyes finally meet yours the look of concern on his face is painfully obvious. 

“MC, What’s goin on?” His tone is calm, but there’s an edge, “That isn’t normal,” he says when you remain silent

“Don’t be mad”, you say and a whole new wave of concern washes through him. Are you sick? Injured? “I used to- I’m having trouble with...food.” 

It takes him a minute to understand. He sits next to you on the couch, and gently begins to question you. “Can you tell me why? Can I help?” He doesn’t push you to explain, but he does ask that regardless of what you tell him you let him try to help you. 

While he does research things, he always asks you if you think something would help, rather than suggesting it. He leaves it up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with. 

Will let you eat in his room or join you in your room if you’d rather eat away from people. 

He reads about ‘safe foods’ and asks if you have any. If you do, he makes sure there’s always some in the house (Even if he has to go to great lengths to hide it from Beel.) 

Doesn’t try to hide his concern, makes sure you always eat something but he makes sure not to overwhelm you. As small of steps as you want- he’ll be there for you. 

Asmodeus:

Asmo had begged you to go shopping with him. You honestly didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

You are just entering the third store when you notice your vision blur and darken at the edges, all the sounds seeming far away. 

When you come to, you’re in Asmo’s room, tucked under the blankets. Asmo perks up from a chair pulled closer to the bed, handing you a glass of water. He waits for you to finish your drink before he speaks, “I asked Solomon to check on you.” And what did he tell you? “You know that you’re perfect, right? I’ll remind you as much as you need to hear it.” 

He’s so genuine when he says it, your resolve to remain distant about the topic begins to crumble. You’re all so beautiful and I just feel..I’m just- I thought that maybe if I could lose some weight-

He cuts off your rambling there, “You’re gorgeous, MC. Every part of you. You don’t need to change anything about yourself for anyone but yourself.” He pauses, his eyes searching your face for something before he continues, “And if you truly feel you must change, You can not endanger yourself to do so, do you understand?” 

He waits for your answer before saying anything else. He asks that you promise to come to him whenever you feel that way. 

He’s always been open with affection and compliments, but it intensifies- He’ll shower you in compliments while still being entirely genuine. 

If you seem in an off mood or you do come to him with concerns, he’ll offer a spa day or shopping trip. If you don’t want either that’s fine to- he wants to make you feel better so whatever it is you need, he’s got you. 

While he has full trust in you to come to him if you need him, he’s still keeping a close eye on you. He checks in often but it’s usually subtle enough that you don’t even think twice about it. Even when he’s more straightforward about it it never comes off as pushy or nosy or overwhelming, just genuine concern and curiosity. 

Assures you that he’s not going anywhere, through good days or bad, he wants to make sure you are healthy and happy. 

Beelzebub:

Knows something is up when you’re consistently offering him unfinished plates of food, but he doesn’t say anything because maybe he’s wrong? Humans don’t need as much food as he does, after all. 

But when you insist on joining him in running laps and after only one pass he sees you stop, eyes squeezed shut as you lean forward, trembling slightly- he’s by your side just in time to catch you before your legs give out. 

You regain focus in his arms, “MC.” He sounds confused and worried, brow furrowed as he speaks, “You haven’t been eating enough.” You can feel the flush on your face, unsure of what to say. “Are you ill?” 

Not physically, you say without thinking, and regret it when the furrow of his brow deepens, It happens sometimes. When I’m stressed. When I need to control something. When I feel… bad about myself. You try to explain. 

“I don’t completely understand.” he admits, “But I want to help you be safe. Can you help me understand?” So you explain it as well as you can to him, try to convey what it feels like for you. 

He gets a grasp on it eventually, and then his questions move on to how he can help. 

Offers you bites of his food more often, and no longer asks if you’re going to finish your plate. 

He won’t even take your offered plate if he thinks you’ve eaten too little of it, but he won’t outright press you to eat more. 

He’s always carried snacks around for himself but now he has all the snacks he knows you like to. He even manages not to eat them so he always has them for you. (He’s extremely proud of this, and you are rather touched when you find out from Belphie.) 

Even though he doesn’t fully understand he does everything he can to make things easier for you. 

Make sure you know that he wants you to be safe. He knows it’s not good for Humans to constantly skip meals or under eat, (He asks Solomon how much a human should be eating, just to make sure you are getting enough.)

If you tell him there’s certain food you feel better eating, he’ll avoid those during mealtimes until he’s certain you’ve had as much as you want. He’ll even avoid them during his late night snack runs that way you’ll always have the option to eat those if nothing else seems okay to eat. 

Belphegor:

He comes to your room pretty often looking for a nap buddy. It’s no different this time, except you’re at your desk, staring at your homework but not really doing anything. 

“MC,” you start a little, turning to Belphie, “You look like you could use a nap.” You think that sounds like a pretty good idea. You push your chair out and stand, but just a few steps towards your bed you wobble, stomach swooping and blinking rapidly to try and still the spinning room. 

Belphie steadies you, placing you on the bed gently as you finally seem to come back to yourself. “MC? Are you okay?” 

He doesn’t look outwardly panicked, but his heart is pounding and he’s trying to figure out what the hell that was. 

I need to eat, you admit, your hands are shaking in your lap, and you try to clench your fists to make it stop. I didn’t eat today. He knows you keep a stash of snacks in your room for Beel, so he grabs something out of that and hands it to you. 

He doesn’t really ask questions, he just sits next to you and waits to see if you say anything to him first. If you don’t tell him anything, then he will ask what’s going on. 

Whatever the reason, he doesn’t want to see you putting yourself through that. Makes you promise to talk to him if you need to. 

“Humans have to eat to stay healthy, MC. I don’t want something to happen to you.” 

Already used to carrying snacks around for Beel, just starts carrying more, in case you weren’t able to eat breakfast or can’t stomach a full meal. 

Subtle check ins. He’s not pushy but he can be slightly overwhelming sometimes. He wants to know that you’re okay and sometimes it’s almost like he’s looking for reassurance that you aren’t hiding something from him. If you tell him to step back a bit, though, he will. 

He asks you if you’ve eaten before you nap together. He loves naps and cuddles, but if you haven’t eaten they’ll have to wait until he makes sure you do. 

Solomon:

You and Solomon met at least once a week to study together. So that’s where you were, heading to Solomon’s room in purgatory hall. He’s just a couple steps behind you, and you’re telling him about the latest scheme Mammon tried to cook up when the stairs ahead of you tilt. 

Your hand latches onto the banister and you stop, waiting for the feeling to pass. But it doesn’t this time, instead you hear Solomon’s voice buried under the rush of blood in your ears and everything in your sight is blurry around the edges. . 

Solomon catches you, cursing to himself as he steadies you and then lifts you to carry you the rest of the way up the stairs. 

You wake up in Solomon’s bed, the Sorcerer sitting at the foot of it and simply watching you. 

“Is there something you’d like to talk about, MC?” His tone of voice tells you he already knows, and you decide there’s really no use in trying to hide anything from Solomon. 

It’s just a diet, you tell him, but he shuts that down quick, “Diets are not supposed to make you faint, MC. You’re smart enough to know that.” 

He’s not harsh, but he’s firm. It’s obvious he’s coming from a place of genuine concern and wants to make sure you aren’t endangering yourself. 

“You don’t need to diet, you know that, right MC?”

He starts messaging you to make sure you’ve eaten breakfast before you leave for RAD, and he eats his lunch with you more often- not that either of you mind. 

If he’s really concerned he might ask Asmo to check in with you, or make sure that you’re not skipping dinner. 

Will also invite you over to purgatory Hall for dinner or Lunch. (Made by Simeon, of course.) There might even be an increase in your study meetups. 

Despite all of this, he doesn’t feel suffocating. He listens to what you have to say, won’t make you eat anything you don’t want, just as long as you promise to eat something, even if it’s a little bit at a time. 

Diavolo: 

He invites you over to discuss the exchange program, and you see no reason to turn that down. Barbatos leads you to one of the sitting rooms where Diavolo is waiting, and when you enter he greets you in his usual cheerful manner. 

You can feel the beginning of an odd sensation in the back of your mind, and you’ve almost made it to the chair Diavolo offered you when grey edges in your vision and you sway- 

“MC.” You blink at the concern in Diavolo’s voice, taking a moment to recall what happened. The Lord of the Devildom is crouched in front of you, gaze searching your face, “MC,” he says again, “Barbatos said this would help.”  He holds out a glass of some sort of juice and waits for you to take it and drink a few sips before he continues. 

“Would it help if we brought more Human world food here?” he asks, and you feel bad that all you can really do is shrug. It’s a problem for me with human food, to. You admit under his gaze. It only prompts more questions but you answer them as best as you can. 

“MC, Please don’t think me unavailable if you need to talk to someone. I care about your health.” He continues to question you on if there is anything at all he can do to help. 

You run into him more at RAD, and he always seems to have something extra that Barbatos had made and insists you take it. “Even if you don’t want it now, you might want it later.” You appreciate it more than you can say, even if you don’t always eat whatever he gives you. 

Will also message you if he knows he doesn’t have time to see you in person that day. He doesn’t usually ask if you’ve eaten, but he’ll ask if you’re feeling okay. 

If you tell him that you’re having a hard time with things, whatever he had planned for that day will just have to wait. He’s more concerned with making sure you’re okay. 

He thinks about asking Lucifer to keep an eye on you, but he trusts you to come to him if you need help. 

He understands that he can’t fully understand what it is you feel, but does his best. If he’s concerned about something, or he thinks something might help he’ll bring it up to get your opinion. 

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[senjuushi]

Hey, can you give me a introduction on the characters personalities? I really want to ask some stuff, but don't know the characters enouth. It doens't need to be long, just a small introduction! (:

OwO Absolutely!!! I’ve explained the characters in my writing Discord before, so I’ll just copypaste what I wrote there. The explanations are pretty long, but they’re detailed, so I like ‘em~

Long post below!

This is F. He's a flamboyant, eccentric sadomasochist, and deviant with a princess-type personality, who kind of never quits saying horrible, horrible things. He's very girly and over-the-top, and expresses a distinct crush on one of the other guns, who he refers to as "Onii-sama". 

He has MAJOR masochistic tendencies, like licking the barrel of his gun while it's still hot, but he shows sadistic tendencies too, such as treating his lowest-ranking soldiers horribly. It's very likely that these behaviors have been learned from others, though. One thing that I think is of note is that, despite his extremely sexual behavior and tendencies, he's not showing any more skin than his upper neck and a little bit of his wrists. 

He's an attention-seeker who struggles to stand out in the shadow of a remarkable older brother, and it's implied that he's pretty desperate to be loved. He values his appearance a lot, going out of his way to look good and be presentable, such as through doing his nails and wearing perfume. 

I think he's a very needy person who just wants people to look at him and care about him in any way, so he goes out of his way to stand out. There are a lot of implications that he's been through some pretty awful stuff, considering that his sadism and masochism are most likely learned.

. . . 

This is Belga. He's a loudmouthed idiot with a violent streak and a love of shooting everything in sight. Based on his face and calculated height, he's probably only like 13-15 physically, 16 at max. 

He's very childish and immature, is either ridiculously ignorant or pretty darn stupid, and has a horrifically foul mouth on him. He was described to me as a "laughing maniac". That said, he's got a major soft side, and cries easily at things like sad stories and his pet fish dying. The fish themselves are most likely a measure to control him by, with letting him gain an attachment just to threaten him with them. 

He's very manipulable and gullible, and gets called "birdbrain" by 89, a gun who shares the same superior as him. Overall, he's a childish moron who can probably only barely take care of himself.

. . . 

This is Mikhael. He's... kind of a mess. Outwardly, he seems like a calm, collected character who lives only for his music and his passions. When looked at closer, however, there are some very bad signs. 

First of all, he's blind. His eyes are bandaged over, which... does not imply good things. He also has what's almost definitely a brace on his leg, suggesting that he's kind of broken. Also worth noting is that in the art above, his gun is pointing at his head. 

Mikhael has a fixation on "beauty in destruction" which to me implies that he's trying very hard to cover for how broken he is. He does nothing but play his piano when taken to battle, basically leaving himself open to getting shot. I see him as an older, broken-down gun who's acutely aware of how horrible his situation is, as well as being passively suicidal. He won't do anything to kill himself, but if something happened, he certainly wouldn't complain. 

I think he's very sad, finding joy only in his music, and taking every chance to drown himself in it. Because of his physical flaws, I doubt the WE treats him very well. He's broken enough that he could be gotten rid of at any time, so he's struggling to make himself seem useful and good through his obsession with beauty in ruined things.

. . . 

This is Ninety. He's the "holy shit this is fucked up" one. Ninety is literally referred to as the WE's dog... and he acts like it. 

He's the youngest of the guns in terms of summoning order and has a mindset somewhere between a child and an animal. He can't speak, most likely trauma mute and connected to something like conversion disorder, is only barely literate, and communicates with a signboard. Do note that this boy is not wearing pants. 

He's sort of feral, going so far as to bite the soldiers under him when he doesn't get fed enough (they're probably starving him). He's known to be a "panic shooter", implying a nervous personality. Also worrying is that he has another mask under his gas mask. A lot of fans theorize that he has a slit mouth. 

All of that said, though, Ninety is surprisingly mature and probably a lot more intelligent than he acts. He comforts Belga when his fish die, and honestly, I think he's just acting the part of a stupid dog because it's been drilled into him enough. There's intelligence in there, he's just not allowed to show it. Also, he's tiny. My height calculations put him at somewhere in the 4' range.

. . . 

This is Ghost. His gun is an experimental weapon that was never actually released, and he's got issues because of that. He's a person with no presence who always goes ignored by those around him. His bullets are ridiculously expensive to produce, and thus, the only person who's ever given him a chance is Ashley, to whom he's ridiculous levels of grateful and loyal. 

He's got major abandonment issues and considers himself to be a difficult to deal with reject. He's very passive, cynical, and pessimistic. He has a very childish side, "cursing" people who upset or ignore him, and "blessing" the rare few who give him the time of day. He latches onto anyone who treats him kindly with an unrivaled sense of desperation. It's implied that he might be rather sickly, and he seems to have a poor physical presence. 

He feels like he's a failure who no one should waste their time on, and struggles a lot with believing that anyone could ever find him worth the effort to use or keep. He's always teetering on the fear of being abandoned and forgotten.

. . . 

This is 89. He's a dead-inside gamer otaku who's catchphrase is "Are you serious?" He's something of the straight man (in the sense of the comedy term) of the lot of them and is definitely the most "normal". 

On that subject, he wants to be normal very, very badly but doesn’t have a shadow of a chance thanks to his status as nothing but a gun and a weapon of the WE, so he forces himself to look down on everyone who does get a normal life. He’s so depressed and done with life that all he does is lock himself up in his room and play whatever violent fighting games he’s allowed as an escape from the misery that is his life. He's got a ridiculously obvious crush on Mikhael, and also very obviously just wants someone to love him. Belga calls him "virgin", and in return gets referred to as "birdbrain". 

89 is just tired and done and exhausted with life, and honestly, he probably doesn't get much attention. He slacks off from missions when he can (which he definitely gets in trouble for), and even his favorite foods are cheap things that sound like they've been shoved onto him out of sheer neglect. He's a little bit tsundere and a total softie inside. He's also my favorite of all of them.

. . . 

This is Eins. He's the powerhouse of the modern guns, and definitely the strongest person there. He's the highest-ranking of all of them, and his battle style/gun type is a sniper. 

He's a serious person who takes his job equally seriously and always produces exceptional results. He acts rather normal, and could probably pass for human if he tried. That said, he's also got major empathy issues, showing very little remorse for hurting people. He takes orders way too far to make sure he's gone far enough, in the sense that he'd kill 100 people if ordered to kill 1. He has his soft side, though, down to gardening, impressive cooking skills when it comes to the others, and considering many of the other moderns to be his "family". F has a crush on him, which he's totally oblivious to. 

Fal is his loyal right-hand man, and Ghost is ridiculously fond of him. He's merciless when it comes down to it, but probably just sees what he does as doing his job and not getting hurt. He definitely sees himself as nothing but a weapon and a tool.

. . . 

This is Fal. He's F's older brother, and most likely the reason why F is Like That. Fal is an insanely capable, efficient, skilled person– one who comes off as perfect in every way. His gun, the FN FAL, is known as "the right arm of the free world" and has been one of the most used firearms in history. 

Fal himself is a calm, collected sort who always seems poised. He's Eins's assistant and has a lot of responsibility, which he handles extremely well. He's polite, subservient, and soft-spoken, despite being very close to Eins in power and skill. He's well-spoken, eloquent, loyal, and basically embodies the perfect assistant. He's also very intelligent, and expresses a particular fondness for torture. He has a unique power in that he's able to manifest prehensile, thorned vines, which sets him apart from the others in strength and skill. 

He's basically the ideal modern gun, which gives F and everyone else a LOT to live up to. He does seem like a very stressed, worn-down person, though, and likely is almost crushed under the pressure of the expectations placed on him.

. . . 

This is Kirsch. He's a sadistic spoiled brat who's almost definitely been sexually abused. He's downright desperate for attention from Ashley, resenting Mauser (Ashley's personal weapon) viciously for taking that attention away. Creepily enough, he refers to Ashley as "Papa". 

He's sort of obsessed with being cute and attractive, emphasizing his charm and trying to play up how lovable he is. That said, he behaves like a spoiled child, down to throwing tantrums when he's angry. Kirsch is also a major sadist (a behavior which is definitely learned), and loves torturing people for the sheer fun of it. He's described as "sick in the head" by one of his superiors. Even so, he tries to paint himself as a harmless victim who can do no wrong, kissing up to and demanding attention from anyone he looks fondly upon. 

He's ridiculously immature, insanely clingy, and probably also has major abandonment issues. He acts like a love-starved child who acts out in order to get attention. There are also a few implications that he's been sexually abused, including his aggressively "touchy" behavior, personal-space invading sadism, attitude towards his superiors, and revealing outfit (short shorts and garter on his leg).

. . . 

This is Hokusai. He's an animated, wild-natured person with a major childish streak. He uses the pronoun "Boku-chan", which sounds straight out of the mouth of a kindergartener. 

He's something of a mad scientist who's associated with the science sector of the WE, and has honestly probably been the brunt of more than a few experiments. He has a massive fixation on the color blue that goes all the way to an obsession, and he's so dedicated to this that he keeps trying to dye his human self blue... which also keeps killing him. He's killed himself like this a bunch of times, but fortunately, Ashley can keep bringing him back somehow. He has a massive aversion to the color red too, straight to the point where he loses it if he sees his own blood. 

He has a number of visible scars (rare for anime art), including one across his throat and one on his wrist, implying that he's been through some shit. His behavior also says to me that he might have some form of brain damage, probably of the nature that impacts his decision making and sense of consequences. He's very reckless and has little regard for his own life. Despite this, he's also a cheerful, sunny person who never really seems to be down.

. . . 

This is Love1. He's... a mess. His gun is majorly defective, and known irl as one of the worst and most useless firearms in history. Reflecting this, L1's body is kind of a mess. His gun jams constantly, which gives him nosebleeds, he's implied to be physically fucked up in general, and in the game, his bigger attacks did damage to him too. 

Personality-wise, he acts like an utter idiot. He's loud and goofy, with a lot of presence and seemingly no dignity. He's cheerful, explosive, and trigger-happy, acting like he doesn't have a care in the world. However, his real personality is very different. L1 is a massively intelligent and strategic individual. While Fal specializes in physical torture, L1 is the psychological torture master. He knows how to absolutely break people. He has a little brother, Like2, and the two of them are both in the "defective" boat. L1 loves L2 dearly, no matter how rude the other is to him, and gushes over his "cute baby brother" constantly. 

On the dark note, L1's life is kind of hanging by a thread. He's worthless enough that he could be gotten rid of at any time, and with the whole world seeing him as a failure, he's definitely got some major issues. He could be replaced at any time, and he's definitely living in fear of when that day will come. Since his physical body is shot, it's also likely that he's constantly in a lot of pain. No one is really very nice to him either.

. . . 

This is Like2. He's an effeminate, bratty tsundere who wants to be spoiled and loved. He's in the same boat as L1 in that his gun is sort of useless, but he's still quite a bit better off. He definitely shares the same worries about being replaced, but instead of covering it up with a smile, he fixates on making himself pretty and strong. 

He's a bodybuilder who focuses a lot on strength training, and is surprisingly tough for his looks. He loves fine things and getting attention and spoiling, and is pretty much desperate for people to like him. Because of his status as a rejected, mocked weapon, he's frantic to make himself useful and avoid being disposed of. He values his personal security massively, can't stand any form of discomfort, and is willing to turn traitor as soon as his safety is on the line. He's an aggressive, abrasive tsundere who constantly berates his brother, calling him "worthless" and "soon to be replaced". 

That said, he loves L1 dearly underneath it all, and winds up as something of his brother's caretaker. He's a fragile person who's desperate to be cared for an accepted, no matter what he has to do to get it.

. . .

Last is Mauser. He's Ashley's personal assistant and weapon, and is honestly a thousand levels of worrying. Mauser is the first gun Ashley summoned, and despite his size and young appearance, his gun is the oldest model as well, being made in 1896. He teeters right on the verge of modern and antique. 

He's an obedient doll to Ashley who seems to lack any form of personality or will of his own. He's empty and emotionless, only capable of expressing his loyalty to his Master. This lack of personality could be attributed to being a faulty summon, but more likely, Ashley has broken him of anything that made him a person. He's blindly devoted, endlessly loyal, and doesn't really have anything to live for beyond Ashley. His character is worrying because something must have left him so broken, and the implications with what Ashley could have done to mess him up so badly aren't pretty. 

His personality is rather flat, but his interesting side comes in what made him the way he is. He'd have nothing to live for without Ashley.

[pcndemoniums]

Skins inspired series: Our Youth (1999 - 2002) / Our Wasted Youth (2020)

This is a loooong request so bare with me. Be aware that these guys have known each other since the age of 16. They’ve had their ups and downs through the years but in the end they have managed to stay friends. 

[ tw: mentions of underage  drinking, sex, mental illness, eating disorder, substance abuse, suicide, overdose, bullying and death ] 

The Shows

Our Youth was an American teen comedy-drama television series that followed the lives of a group of teenagers in the fictional small town of Madison, California. Its controversial story-lines  explored issues like dysfunctional families, mental illness (such as depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder), adolescent sexuality, gender, substance abuse, autism spectrum disorder, death, and bullying. In a time where most TV shows about teenagers were unrealistic affairs propped up by a cast of actors at least 10 years older than their fictional age, Our Youth changed all that by depicting realistic portrayals of teen characters who slept with each other, went to parties, drank a lot, smoked weed, and talked like the kids they were. Much of the controversy around its early episodes criticized its portrayal of sex, bad language, and explicit drug use but it was always careful to temper the hedonism with consequences, the comedy with tragedy. The show premiered on 25 January 1999 and went on to be a critical success. However, real life drama became too much for show runners to handle and the show was cancelled after three seasons. It ended on a shocking cliffhanger that left most viewers outraged and heart broken. 

After the show ended the cast went their separate ways, trying different things to maintain their success but the bad reputation that came from the show seemed to follow them around. Some of them went on to star in low budget films and others completely fell off the radar. For years there have been talks and rumors about a possible fourth season of the series but it was not until early this year that it was announced that the show was going to be getting a second life. Netflix acquired the rights to the show in 2018 and finally announced that they were starting production at the end of 2020 with the original cast in tow. The fourth season of Our Youth has been renamed Our Wasted Youth and will take place 20 years after the events of the third season finale and will chronicle how the teens, now adults, are dealing with the ghosts of their past. 

Behind The Scenes

So this show was a big deal back in the day. As far as aesthetics go then think of the show Skins, the UK version. It was mostly based on a group of kids who lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same high school and were involved in a lot of shenanigans. They partied a lot, got in trouble, sometimes they learned a lesson or two - most times they didn’t. Some critics loved it because of its realism, but others found it too controversial for television. It did not help that the cast, all between the ages of 14 and 16 at the time, were pretty much left unattended to do whatever they wanted and they didn’t choose to sit and study. There was a lot of bad behavior behind the scenes, scandals, fights, drama, etc. Life imitating fiction if you will. To the point where the show was cancelled after three seasons. They decided to end the show in dramatic fashion with the hits involved in a horrible car accident. The last shot of the show was that of the car wreck and the fate of the teens was left to the imagination. Yeah, people were pissed, demanding a resolution. Honestly at this point there was so much hostility that the actors were just glad that it all ended. I mean these guys were all hormonal teenagers, getting fame and money, so you can imagine what went on behind the scenes.

The show still had a huge fan base, even if the actors were not particularly famous anymore. They all had a hard time getting decent work because they had this very bad reputation of being disruptive. In 2010, Kurt Davidson, who portrayed Gus Chandler, was found dead in his home from apparent drug overdose. The actor had been fighting a long battle with addiction and it was during this time that the actors got together and had a little reunion with fans. They resolved their issues and started to become really good friends. There was a media outcry surrounding Kurt’s death though and an article was published on various news sources about the dangers of exposing actors to the drug culture at such a young age. Any hope that the show would come back was lost after the death of Kurt Davidson. But then in 2018 it was confirmed that the show was coming back to Netflix and was scheduled to start shooting in 2019. However, things got a little sidetracked and people started to think that the show was already doomed even before they started shooting. Thankfully things started to brighten up and the show started shooting in January of 2020. This new season will deal with the repercussions of the accident and how the characters are dealing with adulthood. It will have 10 episodes and they are currently shooting episode seven. Because of the tight schedule, these guys have been spending a lot of time together and who knows, maybe there’s the chance for a lot of new drama. 

Now because I’m crazy, here are the characters of the show and their little arcs, just so you can get an idea of who you’d like your character to play.

Main Cast

Lukas Larsen ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Lukas Larsen is an attractive, intelligent and popular boy. His manipulative ways often go unnoticed by many, and are a catalyst for the majority of the events in the series. At first he appears to have complete control over his friends, exudes confidence and has an answer for everything. He enjoys being the driver of drama and prides himself on being some type of puppet master. In the effort to keep his life perfect and interesting he does things that even the most self serving person would never do. He plays with people’s emotions. He plays games because he can. Furthermore he does not feel bad about those things until he loses control. As the series progresses we see Lukas lose control of himself, his friends and of the situation due to a distorted sense of self and an exaggerated sense of importance. We end the series with Lukas behind the wheel of the car and driving everyone into a ditch. NEW SERIES: In the new season Lukas is a lawyer, married and with kids. However, he is incredibly unhappy, cheating on his wife with Evie Nixon and getting involved in scams. We learn that the accident left him in a coma for seven months and that he had to relearn to do everything. Even though it looks like he has not learned anything on the surface we see that Lukas is carrying a lot of guilt for what happened and is seeing a therapist in order to cope. 

Evie Nixon ( 34 yo - tbd - Kat Graham ): Evie is  the youngest of the group as she skipped 9th grade. She is initially described as being "the sweetest girl you will ever meet". However, it is shown that underneath her sweet exterior, she will resort to anything in order to keep the power in her grasps, even at the expense of others. She starts the series off dating the head jock boy of Madison High. However it’s quickly revealed that she’s dating him more for status than for romance. When we meet the couple, they’ve yet to have sex and t is revealed that Evie is actually a virgin and is scared to ‘give it away.  She faces a lot of criticism throughout the series, having to deal with her parents divorcing, an abusive older boyfriend and an addiction to antidepressants. However, she eventually learns that her manipulative ways are damaging to others and by the end of the series she becomes a much better person. NEW SERIES: The accident changed Evie. She became angry and distant. Evie is divorced and has a seven year old boy. She has two jobs and no apparent social life which makes her a little bitter. She is having an affair with Lukas Larsen but hates every second of it. 

Gus Chandler ( 35 yo - Kurt Davidson - NPC ): Gus is Luka's best friend, but has an entirely opposite personality. He lacks confidence, is socially uneasy and struggles with school work. He often suffers from panic attacks that he learns to control over the course of the series. He tends to put himself down a lot, especially when it comes to his relationship with girls. He loves comic books, loves science, is very friendly and playful and treats everyone with respect. Gus learns to be more self confident and to stand up for himself which earns a lot of respect from his friends. By the end of the series Gus is engaged to Nancy Buckley. NEW SERIES: We learn that Gus died in the car accident. Some people believe the decision to kill off his character is a bit polemical since the actor died in real life. However, the series creators have stated that having another actor play the part of Gus felt wrong and that they needed the accident to have a serious consequence. “Kurt Davidson is still a huge part of the show and his character’s death  is the driving force of the new season.” In some way that is true since a lot of the show revolves around the 20th anniversary of Gus’ death. 

Nancy Buckley ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Luka's girlfriend. A girl who can never stay angry at his mischievous behavior for long. Outwardly, Nancy appears shallow, vain and conceited but she works hard and is emotionally mature. She is seen by most as a beautiful and confident girl but she suffers from the same insecurities as everyone else. At the beginning of the series she is dating Lukas and is always trying to make him happy. Eventually she realizes that the relationship is really toxic and distances herself from him. She and Gus start to get closer which causes a lot of complications and arguments between him and Lukas. By the end of the series Nancy learns to value herself more and she and Gus form a beautiful and healthy relationship. NEW SERIES: Nancy suffered a lot after the accident and the death of her fiance and that includes reconstructive surgery on her face which has made her feel really self conscious. She hasn't been able to keep a serious relationship and is emotionally closed off. Currently she works in real estate and seems to be leading a successful life. She has decided to be a surrogate for Ivy and her wife's baby. 

Ben Morrow ( 36 yo - Dean Montgomery - Paul Wesley ): Ben is the party animal of the group. He has a difficult home life; he lost his brother to illness at a young age, and is an emancipated minor due to his ambivalent father and absent mother. When we first meet Ben he is presented as a fun loving pill popper who is always encouraging his friends to have fun. As the series progresses we learn that this attitude is just a front and that Ben’s life is actually filled with pain and rejection from his parents. His father is a crook and his mother has done porn her entire life, which has been a constant embarrassment for Ben. Ben is very volatile and unpredictable and unlike Lukas he very easily loses control of the situation. It is hinted that he is bisexual but it was never fully confirmed. By the end of the series they are rushing him to the hospital as he is overdosing inside the car. When we see the car crash we are left to assume that he definitely died. NEW SERIES: Shockingly Ben survived the accident but it left him with a lot of emotional scars. Unable to find a job he has turned into a life of crime that includes petty theft and drug dealing. The first time we see him again he is getting out of prison after spending six months behind bars for robbing a liquor store. We learn that Lukas helped put him away and that Teddy posted his bail. He also has a lover named Sean who also provides him drugs.

Cara James ( 35 yo - character name - open face claim ): A friend of Emily, an odd girl who suffers from an eating disorder. Cara attempts to hide her own struggles with mental health while her flamboyant parents ignore her in favor of their new baby. We first meet her as she returns to Madison High after spending months in a rehabilitation center. Cara is very observant, aloof and incredibly understanding. To her everything is magical. Her positive attitude gives the show a sense of hope when things get really bad. She and Ben Morrow have a very close relationship that was a constant will they/won't they throughout the series.  By the end of the series she manages to overcome her disorder, and makes plans to leave Madison and travel to Europe. NEW SERIES: Cara made it to Europe after surviving the accident and became a famous model which caused her eating disorder to resurface. After a few scandals and the fact that she is not as young as she used to be, Cara returns to Madison and tries to reconnect with her friends. She finds out that this is easier said than done. 

Teddy Vargas ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim - latinx ): is an easy-going skater who likes to smoke weed, and as the more sensible and responsible friend, he is often put out by Luka’s behavior. Teddy is forced to act as the leader of the group whenever Gus has a panic attack or when Lukas takes things too far; he is by far the most reliable in a crisis. We learned that his mom took her own life after battling depression and he has always resented his father for not getting her help. He has a very ambitious sister who always looks for the spotlight and manages to get all the attention from his dad. Teddy is always looking to save people and wants what is best for everyone. He is very compassionate and selfless but at the same time he knows when to put his foot down and always stands up for himself. NEW SERIES: Teddy suffered a leg injury and therefore he has to wear a brace. It was hard for him since he was always into sports, especially skating. He became a teacher and is currently the new high school principal at Madison. He tries to guide his students and keep them from doing the same mistakes he did as a kid but he is finding that to be challenging. He and Ben are good friends and we learn that he posted bail for Ben’s early release. Teddy is engaged to Molly Larsen.

Ivy Porter ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Ivy is coming to terms with her identity as a lesbian. She is used to being the shadow of her sister, and is sulky but perceptive. As the show progresses, she begins to come out of her shell and strives for individuality. Much of this is due to her becoming okay with her sexuality and her feelings for Poppy Drake. She’s a kind and idealistic person but at the same time she can be selfish and passive aggressive. Her relationship with Poppy has its ups and downs but by the end of the series they had decided to stay together and make things work. Ivy was the only one who was not involved in the car crash because she and Poppy were spending the night together. NEW SERIES: Even though she was not involved in the accident Ivy was still affected by it since she was very close to Gus. We learn that she and Poppy broke things off and decided to stay friends. We also learn that Ivy married a woman named Susana and that they have asked Nancy to be their surrogate. Ivy struggles with the idea of starting a family but doesn't know how to talk to Susan about it.

Supporting Cast

Molly Larsen ( 33 - 34 yo - character name - open face claim ): is Luka's younger sister, and shares many of the same qualities as him. She is mysterious and manipulative, but almost mute. We see more of her in season 3 where she is involved in a love triangle and gets involved with a teacher. NEW SERIES: In the new series we learn that she managed to get her life together and is soon to be married to Teddy Vargas. 

Poppy Bird ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Poppy was Ivy’s on and off girlfriend during the first three seasons of the show. She is very carefree and open minded but at the same time very guarded. She had a difficult time coming to terms with her sexuality which was the cause of a lot of drama between her and Ivy. Eventually she accepted who she was and declared her love for Ivy. NEW SERIES: We learn that she has moved away from Madison and is currently living in Arizona. However she comes back for two episodes to tell Ivy that she has a terminal illness. 

Susana Santoro ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim - POC ): Ivy’s wife. She works as a veterinarian and has three younger sisters. She is very cheerful, caring and incredibly perceptive. She wants to start a family and knows that Ivy has her doubts about it. 

Tommy Mills ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Evie’s ex husband who works as a bouncer at the local strip club. He comes off as being extremely rude and seems to have a violent streak. We learn that Evie left him because of his constant drinking and cheating, which is ironic considering she is having an affair with a married man.

Sean Michaels ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Ben’s lover and drug dealer. Definitely a terrible influence in Ben’s life but at the same time he seems to actually care about him. We learn that he has a sick daughter and that he started to deal drugs in order to pay for her treatment.

Other Cast  

There are other characters on the show that have minor roles like Luka’s wife, some friends, enemies, whatever. Let me know if you’re interested in playing a minor role. 

Crew

Executive producer ( s ):

Director (s):

Writer (s):

Casting Director:

Costume Designer (s):

Make up artist (s): Margot Montgomery, Ashley Benson, 29

[kleiner2296-blog]

My truth:

Last year, I literally had the hardest year of my life. In the midst of all the happy events going on (wedding, honeymoon, family trips, a newborn/infant), there was always this lingering cloud of sadness and emptiness. I was so far in my head, I just couldn’t get out. It was a time where breathing felt like a chore- where most days I would lay around and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom benefitted my depression in many ways. It was easy to put on a facade of a “put together mom, and wife”. Most days, my dishes went unwashed, laundry piled up, and the house went awry. Carter was always taken care of for sure, but some days it was so bad, I’d hand him my phone to play with just so I could stay in our dark room, lay around and sleep. Of course it was my anxiety that pulled through whenever someone had to come over. I was obsessive over what people thought of me, and sometimes the judgement that came with it- even if it meant just shoving everything into a closet for the time being. It was only then, that it was easy to just hurridly clean up and make my life seem so picture perfect.

On top of that, without going into any details, my marriage was just a bit rocky, and most of it (in my opinion) was stemming from my irritability and anger/bitterness. There has been so much resentment from many many things that have eaten at me for a long time in my personal life as a whole, and it was an easy target to put onto my husband, and it was unfair to him. I will probably be forever saddened by my behaviors and my choices to act on my emotion so carelessly. But, i’m happy to say that we are 110% again and most of that burden/trauma has been slowly lifted 🙂

I was diagnosed with PPD (For those that don’t know, it stands for Post-partum depression) later in 2016 around november/december if I remember correctly (Sounds crazy but a lot of 2016-2017 is literally a blur- which i would assume just happens with depression???) amongst my already existing anxiety panic disorder. I have had anxiety since I was pretty young, and was first diagnosed at age 16 where I was shipped off to a therapist to “help me”.

I had so much guilt from my failure of breastfeeding and so much stress on my plate from carter’s slow weight gain (Which now I understand he is small because those are his genetics lol... although sometimes it still gets to me). I was angry because it was always me up at night and all day while carter fought sleep (Rightfully so! Cj pays the bills and works very very hard!! we love him! He’s a FANTASTIC father and husband!!!) and the lack of sleep, plus crazy crazy amounts of insomnia stemming from my anxiety, were literally making me obsessive and paranoid for no reason about dumb things. One of my biggest anxiety triggers is time, and so every night i would obsess over how many hours i had to fall asleep and then panic when i wouldn’t fall asleep by that hour, and then repeat, until it was too late to even get a healthy amount of sleep. Unfortunately I took it out on a lot of people over simple small minded things. And if you’re reading this, and that possibly applies to you, I am sorry. I am not proud of how my behavior was during 2016-2017, but please know, that although it’s not an excuse, it also wasn’t completely in my control. 

***An example of how bad my anxiety got at one point: I was flying home to visit my parents and carter was just switched to Almond milk/soy milk because he couldn’t have dairy, and I literally went into a full blown panic over how I was going to get him almond milk in the airport/how i was going to feed my child just to get to where I was going. I almost considered canceling my flight over such a silly thing. I obsessed over it for days, throwing myself into a pit of fear that literally swallowed me whole- at that point I called my mom and just broke down- full blown panic on the phone over it. She walked me off the ledge and we came up with a game plan. I’m so grateful my mom understands how bad it can get for me... and over the dumbest things. Mom, if you are reading this, I pray you know how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am for you<3.***

April-June was a pretty scary time, looking back. I was drinking more often than I should have been to cope with my feelings or “lack of” feelings. Not crazy amounts, but enough to raise concern from my husband. I like to have an occasional glass of wine and have a few drinks here or there, but this was really different for me.

My bachelorette party, I got absolutely wasted and ended up having a major panic attack about what a shitty mom I was, right in the club we were in. I’m sure some of it was honestly me feeling typical “mom guilt” for just enjoying myself, but hearing some friends talk about that incident is a pretty sad thing for me. Although it’s easy to laugh about on the outside, parts of me knows how deep that was and how dark of a time it was, internally. I almost feel like it was a cry for help, but came out just as any new mom feeling guilty for “going out” even though I knew it was more than “going out”. It was an escape from reality.

Around March or so 2018, I started to feel like I had just a bit better grip on my anxiety. I was able to relax a lot with carter- even allow myself to let go enough for him to stay the night at someone else’s home. That was a big victory for me. My depression, however wasn’t getting better. I called my doctor and asked if there was any way to help me. She ended up revealing that my Mirena was probably the cause of most of my emotions. This was upsetting because I have an anxiety diagnosis in my medical history so knowing that, my midwife should have mentioned that there was a strong possibility of heightened anxiety and depression. She prescribed me birth control pills to take ALONGSIDE my mirena. So now, at this point, I was on some form of progesterone and the estrogen provided by mirena. Talk about hormone overload.

So a little more background info.... My insecurities started really taking a hit on my mental health as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that i’m just a vain girl. It’s who I am and I am okay with that. I’m in a vain industry, as a cosmetologist! Oh well! So with my mirena causing a lot of these mental health issues, my face also started breaking out even more due to the levels of estrogen it had. **Currently, my face hasn’t gotten a ton better, but enough for me to start to see the light. Sounds silly, but my acne was also a strong contributing factor of my depression at the time.**

The birth control pills my midwife prescribed were also supposed to help that issue as well. I gave them a shot, and unfortunately they didn’t help much. I have a nurse who comes to see me every 2 weeks to check on carter and answer questions I have or give me info about being a mom (I found this program through WIC, and have seen my nurse since I was pregnant every 2 weeks!! Highly recommend!!), and she and I discussed my options. After another panic attack during one of our visits together, she urged me to get some help, and we decided that taking my mirena out was probably what was best.

But here we go... *cue adulting problems*. We didn’t have insurance that covered the removal of my IUD. It was going to cost $400. So I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up- I mean, depression/anxiety is nothing when you live with it for a long time, right? I kept that mirena in until June 2018. We finally got advice from a family friend, and she recommended her doctors office who went above and beyond to make sure that my insurance would cover it. I got it removed!! I shit you not, yall. THE SECOND that mirena was pulled out, (NO EXAGGERATION), that cloud that had been hovering over me for so long, started dispersing- poof. just like that, i felt 100 times better. 

This leads me to where I am now. Sitting here, typing this long story. I pray that, even though I am willingly putting my truth out there on the interwebs, judgement won’t be too harsh, and that there’s someone who may get something out of this. One day, I want to look back on this blog, and see how far I have come. I want to live a better life, I want to beat my mental illness(es). I want to be better than I was the day before, and I want to feel immense love and satisfaction with myself. 

To the future Vannessa:

You are worthy. 

You are stronger than your illnesses.

You are resilient.

You are happy. 

YOU ARE FREE. 

P.S. This is a picture of my tattoo! Seratonin symbol that represents anxiety and depression

[prxncess-diaries]

Dear Diary,

Here’s my fucked up list of mental disorders I suspect I have/actually have

- ADHD (Actually diagnosed, it’s not very severe)

- Depression (Stereotypical but… no doubt about it)

- C-PTSD (Childhood sexual assault caused this <3)

- BPD (I’m at a high risk and have shown a lot of the symptoms, including the less glamorized ones such as the explosive rage, mood swings - which are extremely severe, impulsive and self destructive behaviors, etc)

- Probably anxiety or panic disorder (related to my c-ptsd)

- Obviously disordered eating, and dysmorphia (which may be linked to BPD)

This isn’t for internet clout or to impress anyone, I honestly just want to keep a list because I talk to a therapist about some of these issues, so I try to keep track of different symptoms, and categorize them to make connections, makes me feel like like I’m losing my mind I guess.

Also, I want to talk about one of my biggest fears I’ve recently realized I have

I have an extreme fear of abandonment. Like, extreme. Not only do I check on people who seem even a bit off multiple times to ask if I’ve done anything, but I also can’t stand my friends being friends with each other because I’m terrified I’ll get left behind.

One of my closest friends, S, posted a thing about their best friend, K, who is also my best friend, and I was just so absolutely hurt because, well, S and I have known each other for years, and I was just hurt and confused. They went on a road trip together a year-ish ago and didn’t invite me, and jealousy was not enough to describe how I felt. I felt angry, sick, terrified, that was the last time in a while I considered SHing again, and I wanted to show them, in some sick, twisted attempt to get them to stop being closer to each other than they were to me.

I didn’t, and I hope I never do something as disgusting and toxic as that, but I’m fucking terrified of myself sometimes. My boyfriend has been acting a little bit distant lately, and I’ve asked 6-7 times in the past two days, and he’s promised me that he’s fine, but I’m still fucking terrified that he hates me, he wants to leave me, something. I’m scared of the lengths I’d go to to get him back as well.

Sorry for this rant, I just needed to get it out somehow.

Terrified,

Princess

[infinitescularchive]

i want to talk for a few minutes about NICK MILLER.

i’ve been rewatching new girl and my muse for him has been rising as always because he is honestly my spirit animal, but i’m also trying to dig a little deeper into his character and i want to point out that nick miller is definitely a damaged person? the series alludes to it several times but doesn’t address it directly too often (unless it’s in the 7th season which i have not seen yet so disclaimer on that for the rest of this post. also this is MY interpretation of his character and how he is presented in canon with combinations of my own headcanons. )

i firmly believe that nick miller has some form of depression. just looking at a list of depression symptoms he displays many of them: trouble remembering details / making decisions, feelings of worthlessness, pessimism, irritability, lethargy, and persistent sadness / anxiety / emptiness.

1. nick miller is terrible at making decisions, remembering details, and just taking care of himself in general?? i mean, his friends have to feed him vitamins and they put money in his clothes and he doesn’t even realize that it isn’t his. he protests constantly that he doesn’t need people taking care of him and protecting his independence, but honestly without his friends he would probably not survive. he’s physically and mentally incapable of taking care of himself.

2. feelings of worthlessness? nick miller central. he has extreme body issues, which i first really recognized as something crucial to his character when rewatching episode 1.04. all it took was a couple of comments from schmidt and jess and he had to go into his room and evaluate his body in a mirror. then jess’ startled noise pushed him right over the edge into not being able to show his body to a girl he was very attracted to. he has also demonstrated feelings of worthlessness directed towards himself as a person on multiple occasions. i remember at least twice off the top of my head when he questioned why any girl would want to be with him, even going so far as to talk about how he is the guy girls use time to kill with before finding their husbands. he DOES NOT see his self worth, and i feel this is well established in canon.

3. pessmism. nick miller is very pessimistic. i feel all the evidence i really need for this statement is from 1.12 when jess says “you always see the worst in people!” and he responds with “because people are the worst!” nick comes to expect the worst to happen to him, even with no evidence that it will. 

4. irritability? nick has rage issues. they devote entire episodes to the fact that nick has anger issues. he chalks this up to his father and their insane relationship, but it runs very deeply through him. he gets angry far too easily, and even demonstrates fair amounts of paranoia throughout the series, though usually in connection with the government. apparently rage and irritability issues are common symptoms of depression especially in men, and i think that really points hard toward nick’s mental illness. 

5. nick is a very lethargic person. part of this may be his personality, but he demonstrates extreme lethargic tendencies. given the option, he will lay on the couch for days. he refuses to clean up after himself or take care of himself, as we already discussed. he likes to spend time alone as well, particularly when he is tired. he’s a significant homebody. while not necessarily caused by depression, i feel mental illness really pushes him further into isolation and laziness because he can’t cope. ( hence why he keeps a box in his closet full of things he feels he’s not mentally equipped to deal with at the time he puts them in there. )

6. persistent sadness / anxiety / emptiness. i talked a fair bit about his pessimism, body issues, worthlessness, etc, so i’m going to focus on his anxiety here. he demonstrates a lot of anxious tendencies, and i first confronted the idea of his possessing an anxiety disorder when rewatching 1.01. when coach and schmidt push him too hard, he feels the need to hide in his hood to avoid confrontation and making a decision. when locked on the porch in 1.09 with jess and paul, he demonstrates severe anxiety trying to get away from their confrontation, including banging on the windows to try and get someone’s attention. nick is a notoriously bad liar, famous for sweating in the extreme when confronted with having to lie. this is likely related to the high amounts of high anxiety he feels when he has to lie to someone. most importantly for me would be in 2.15 where jess tries to pressure nick into kissing her and he has, what i headcanon as, a full blown panic attack. he climbs out of the window, sidles across an extremely narrow ledge and nearly falls to his death just to avoid a situation that is giving him extreme anxiety. 

conclusions: nick definitely has some mental illnesses. most prominently would be some form of depression, but he also has body issues, rage problems, and an anxiety disorder. many of these observations are based on season 1 and 2 observations as that is where i am in my rewatch, but i feel they still hold true for his character and i will incorporate them into my portrayal of his character.

disclaimer: i do feel that nick gets a lot better mental health wise throughout the seasons, and i’m excited to finally watch season seven and see how his character ends up. nick really starts from the bottom in season 1 because he’s reeling from a loss of a relationship that, though EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY TOXIC, he had come to completely rely on as nick and caroline were dating since nick was in college. then jess came along. the influence of jess’ positivity and support on his mental health can’t be denied, and he does become much healthier throughout the series.

i’m also open to lots of questions about nick & his mental health!

[choking-on-tae]

Panic disorder

Pairing: Seokjin x Reader 

Word count: 2.3k

Summary: 

Seokjin is often away due to his busy schedule. You've always been dealing with panic attacks and self esteem issues. Seokjin being the supportive boyfriend he is offered to help you and told you that he'd always be there for you when you need him. However, not only does he not have a lot of time to message you, he also isn't there in person. Your panic attacks and anxiety were fine when Seokjin was around you but ever since he left to go on tour it's gotten worse. You didn't want to tell him because you're scared you'll only make him worry more. You know he's really trying the best he can but sometimes you need someone who's there in person.

Genre: Angst, Fluff. 

Author’s note: If you’ve seen this one around before it’s because I’ve uploaded it to Wattpad before but took it down. x 

Panic attacks and anxiety have become a part of your life ever since you were depressed. You've gotten over your depression but still have some anxiety about things. You were never really a very social person or someone to randomly talk to strangers on the street but since you've gotten more anxious that scares you to beyond. It's nowhere near where it used to be but still it bothers you. Seokjin knows about your anxiety, so you were very grateful that he was the one who started the conversation the first time you met. You had just gotten back from your final therapy session and were excited to go home again. Your past year had been a total roller coaster. You were put on meds, couldn't sleep at all at night and were so ridiculously stressed about every little thing.

You met Seokjin on your way home. Well, actually he ran into you. He was carrying two cups of coffee and spilled them, mainly on you, when he bumped into you. Literally. He apologized instantly and offered to take you to his place to wear one of his shirts. You told him that he didn't have to do that but he insisted. So that's how you ended up in his apartment. He let you take a shower and gave you one of his shirts to wear. During the past year you didn't really give love a try. You weren't dating or looking for anyone, but when you met Seokjin that all changed. You started to feel butterflies again and fell head over heels in love with him. Luckily for you he felt the exact same way.

What started of as a cute romance soon became true love. It had to happen anyways, especially since Seokjin is so buzzy. He really has the best personality. He always tries to put you first, because you're simply his everything. He always checks up on you, if you sleep well, if you eat properly and how you're doing. You told him about your mental conditions and to your surprise he took it surprisingly well. You expected him to back out and drop you but he did the exact opposite. He made even more time for you and checked up even more often than he already did. When Seokjin was around you were doing just fine. You got a job at your local dog cafe, continued your study and if you needed comfort your loving boyfriend was there for you.

Now that he's on tour, you don't have that luxury anymore. All you can do is videochat or call each other. It honestly breaks you, that you can't lay in his arms as you try to fall asleep. You didn't tell Seokjin that your mental condition is doing worse again. You don't wanna seek professional help just yet because of your stubborn nature, so you lie. You don't want to lie to him but at the same time you don't want him to worry even more about you then he already does. So you cropped it all up until now. Now you're laying in your bed, wearing one of Seokjin's pink hoodies as you cry yourself to sleep.

It all happened a couple of weeks ago, right after he left. He told you he'd be back in 6 months, and you assured him that you'd be fine. Which wasn't a lie at the time. You honestly thought that you were doing just fine, but little did you know that that was all thanks to Seokjin. Once he left it all went downhill. Your job which you really enjoyed became something you dreaded going to. Your study which you were doing great at suddenly became all too much. You had to stop, again. Your counselor talked to you about your mental health and he said that it was probably best if you quit your studies for now to focus on your mental health and your panic attacks. Speaking of, they've only gotten worse. Even the slightest things make you panic.

For example going to the grocery store to get some food. It sounds absolutely ridiculous to someone who doesn't deal with it. Seokjin has been gone for exactly 6 months now, and it's really been the worst 6 months of your life. He told you he'd be back soon, but what's soon? 'Soon' can be tomorrow, a week from now, 2 months from now even. So you've just given up on waiting for him and tried to make the best out of every single day, taking your meds every day so the attacks don't get worse. You try to quiet down your sobs as you wipe the tears away, or at least try to since you can't really stop crying. Right that moment you see your phone screen light up. Seokjin's name flashing on the screen. You quickly lock it again before putting your phone back on the nightstand. You hug your knees to your chest as you let it all out. Your not so quiet anymore sobs now echoing through the empty apartment.

You try to get your breathing back to normal and to not fall into another panic attack, which if it would happen would be the third one of the day, and you really don't want that. So you try with all your will to pull yourself back together. You don't notice the bedroom door opening, as you're still too buzzy with trying to pull yourself together. Your shaky breath still echoing through the silent bedroom. It isn't until you hear a couple of bags drop and a quiet voice that you look up. 

"Jagiya, what's going on?" 

Your eyes grow wide when you see Seokjin standing there with an extremely worried expression on his face. You try to form some words as he takes a seat on the bed, moving over so he's sitting right in front of you. His big eyes staring into yours, desperately trying to find answers. You climb in his lap and you let the tears stream down your face, breaking down completely. 

"Aish Jagi, you should have told me that you weren't doing okay." He groans as he gently runs his fingers through your hair, trying to comfort you as he pulls you tighter against him. 

You know he hates it when you're not being honest with him but you couldn't bring yourself to tell him how bad you were actually doing. He slowly pulls back to wipe your tears away before he presses his soft lips against yours for a brief moment. 

"Baby, why didn't you tell me what was going on? I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't want to force you to tell me." He says as he quiet down a bit. 

"Seokjin, i'm so s-sorry. I-I really wanted to tell you but I.. I didn't want you to worry about me t-too. Y-You've enough to w-worry about already."

"Aish Jagiya! Take care of yourself for once please! Next time i'm just gonna drag you with me on tour. We'll figure something out with your study. I-" 

"-I stopped." You softly mumble. 

His eyes grow wide instantly, as he asks "What, why?" 

You take a deep breath as you wrap your arms around his neck. His arms instantly wrapping around the small of your back, pulling you as close to him as possible. 

"I talked to my counselor. He told me to focus on my mental health and to just let me study for what it is right now." You bring out, scared of being judged. 

"Ah baby. It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay. I'm here now, and i'm gonna take care of you. Do you want something to eat? I can make your favorite! I can make-"

"-Seokjin!" You giggle, interrupting his ranting. He always does that when he's nervous or excited about something. 

"I really appreciate you taking care of me Seokjin, but I'm not hungry at all. Can we just lay in bed and cuddle? It's kind of late." 

His eyes land on the clock on the nightstand, before he nods in agreement. 

"Yes that sounds good." He gently pushes you onto your back as he climbs on top of you. Brushing some of your hair out of your face in the process. 

"I know you sometimes feel like you're a burden to me, but you're not at all. Jagiya I love you so much. Just please tell me when you feel bad and when you're not okay. You're just coming with me the next time I've to leave for a long time. Okay?" 

You softly nod at his words as he leans in, his dark brown eyes staring into your own eyes.

His plump lips gently brush against your own, before he presses them properly against your own. Seokjin's kisses are pretty much always soft as gentle, this time isn't any different. He somehow always manages to kiss you with just passion and love that it almost makes you melt. It's one of his many ways of letting you know how much he loves you. 

"Princess, I love you so much. Please don't ever do this to me again, okay?"

 You softly nod at his words as you feel yet another tear escape from the corner of your eye. 

"Are you mad at me?" 

You ask, scared for the answer. You know Seokjin doesn't get mad very easily but when he does he is really angry and it's absolutely terrifying. 

"Baby, i'm not mad at you. I'm just a little disappointed that you didn't tell me, I wish I would've caught up on it."

"Yah." 

You take his face in between your hands as you press a kiss to the tip of his nose. 

"You did nothing wrong. You're the perfect boyfriend. Honestly you're so wonderful Seokjin. You're so fucking wonderful. This isn't your fault. It was me. I was the one who couldn't tell you, and I'm really sorry for that. So please don't blame this on yourself. It's completely my fault." 

You sigh as you take complete responsibility for the situation. 

"Jagiya, don't blame everything on yourself either please. You couldn't help it, I know that baby." 

He rolls off of you and pulls you with him as he moves so he's properly laying on the bed, and not sideways anymore. He tangles his legs with yours as he makes sure you're laying on his chest. He continues to gentle run this fingers through your hair as he presses a kiss against your forehead. 

"How long will you stay this time?" You ask, scared for the answer you tightly clutch at his shirt. 

"The next concerts will be in 6 months, but there'll be 6 or so. All here in South Korea. This time around you'll just come with me." 

"What if your management doesn't like that?" 

"Ya! They know how much you mean to me! I'm just taking you with me weather they like that or not." He mumbles as he hold onto you even tighter than he already did, if that's even possible.     

"Are you okay now?" He asks, sounding concerned again. 

"I'm not, but i will be soon now you're here."

"I'm really glad." 

He keeps pressing sweet kisses against your cheek as he holds onto you tightly. You've never felt so safe in your life, and you wouldn't change it for the world. It's right then and there that you realize that you really need to seek help again. Seokjin will be there for you throughout the way, so you know you'll be fine eventually. 

"I'll help you with this princess. I made a promise to you that I would, so i'm definitely going to now."  

And he kept his promise. For the next couple of months Seokjin was there right by your side throughout the whole process. He helped you with everything, took care of you and made sure he treated you like the princess you were in his eyes. In Seokjin's eyes, you were absolutely perfect. He absolutely adored you for your sweet and caring personality. He couldn't be more in love with you than he is right now. You're the only thing he can think about. You're on his mind 24/7, so that's why he's trying to hard to help you with this. It took a while but you slowly started to feel better. It didn't take long after that until you were completely cured. From then on Seokjin made you a promise that he'd stay by your side forever, and he still is there up until this day. Truth is, real love never dies. No matter what it has to go through, real love will find a way. Exactly how you and Seokjin found each other, and even now you're still very happy together.

[academla]

Summer 2017 Update

Hey guys! Finally, another big update post. If you haven’t read these before, I split it into sections: Academic, Financial/Professional, Social, Mental Health, and anything else I feel like. Feel free to skim! (Give this a like if you’re actually reading it because I feel like most people ignore these update posts, which is fine, I’m just curious haha.)

Academic

I go back to school on September 5. I’m super excited, but I think my underlying anxiety has been affecting me a bit.

Classes I’m taking on campus: Classics of Children’s Literature, Abnormal Psychology, and Ethics & Society (an Honors seminar).

Classes I’m taking online: History of World Civilizations Before 1500 & Child Psychology.

Here are some comments on each class so far (I’m nothing if not thorough, guys):

Children’s Lit: Well, Harry Potter is on the reading list, so I’m already there. I’ve emailed the professor already and she seems super nice, so I’m pretty excited. The syllabus is a bit intimidating; I’m sure it will be fine, though, and having a nice professor makes a huge difference.

Abnormal Psych: I’m going to have the same prof as I did for Intro, and I’m really pumped about that (so is she). I’m nervous because the tests are harder and longer, but she was very reassuring that I’ll be fine. There was a whole issue because I thought that Abnormal had service learning linked to it (service learning is basically where you get experience doing things related to the course, so essentially volunteer/internship work) and was planning to use an internship that has been in the works since the winter for that. However, turns out that it isn’t linked. My prof was super nice and said she would be flexible. I emailed my adviser in a bit of a panic, and she informed me that actually service learning is no longer a requirement of my major. So, I’m going to go ahead and do the internship for my resume, but not have to worry about the assignments and grade aspect.

Ethics & Society: I don’t know anything about this really, but I do know that the professor is well-liked and I’ve seen him a few times.

History: Okay, so I hate history. I’m quite well-rounded as a student and I know that I’m lucky that most classes, I do very well in and enjoy. But history just... I don’t even know. My history teachers in the past have all thought I was really good, and I was grade-wise; I simply didn’t enjoy it. So to make this bearable, I know I need to have a professor I like. I was going to take it on campus, and emailed briefly with the professor I was going to have, but he had bad RateMyProfessors ratings and struck me as not very personable or understanding or nice. I checked about online courses and saw that there is one being taught by the director of the Honors College that I’m in, whom I really like and has a great reputation and ratings. Unfortunately there is a $125 fee associated with online courses that I wasn’t aware of, but cost-benefit wise, I really think I’ll be happiest like this.

Child Psych: Oh GOD. Why am I so extra? I emailed the prof once and she was super nice. Then I replied, and since online courses are different from real-life ones in that you don’t really get that ‘getting-to-know-you’ vibe with professors because it’s so remote, I mentioned that I can be an anxious student. I just said basically that means sometimes I’ll ask a lot of questions or check and double-check things for reassurance. I also asked if she was a professor willing to look at drafts or not. She completely got the wrong impression and sent back an email (that was quite final too; signed it “All the best”) as though I had been a hysterical student coming to her with anxiety that I had no idea how to handle. She told me that there are personal counseling services offered by the college as well as the writing center with writing tutors. I’ve had outside counseling for 7 years, and I’m a writing tutor... so that was ironic and also a little embarrassing. Whoops. Honestly, when I get embarrassed about things like that (which I often do) I kind of remind myself that I’m just there to learn and hopefully earn that A, so what they think of me doesn’t matter that much.

All and all, I’m excited for school to start. I want to learn things and take notes and have stuff to do. I also have waves of anxiety, which I’m working very hard to combat with reality checks and focusing on the positives. Oh, and I got an A somehow on my chem accelerated summer course :)

Financial

I have worked two jobs this summer after a lot of miscommunication and lack of clarity:

A preschool, the same one I worked at during my gap year. It was unfortunate because I thought I was going to work full-time there after my chem course, but they didn’t need me because they had so much help. I ended up working Thursdays and Fridays there and Monday through Wednesday at my dad’s job. Now that all the summer help is leaving, though, they’re back to being in desperate need. Everyone there is pretty stressed (and families have been leaving).

At the place my dad works. They produce food and formula for people with metabolic disorders (primarily PKU). I was extremely appreciated there, which was nice, and I got a $4 raise on my second week! They’re desperately understaffed and having problems with their products, as well as not being able to keep up with general demand. I electronically filed faxes dating back to 2016, stuffed envelopes (my favorite), put in tons of orders (one day I put in 34 out of a total 62 orders that day), and by the end was allowed to check emails and reply to some of them. I LOVED the job. However, there’s the possibility I might be able to work there on Fridays during the school year, which I would love. It’s stressful there because there’s so much shit going on and people are basically running around putting out fires all day, but I enjoy my work so much.

During the year, I’m hoping to work at my dad’s job on Fridays, do my psychology internship (if you don’t recall, I’m going to be working at a VA hospital helping with a study on suicide prevention), and tutor! I’m a math and writing tutor. They’re two completely different trainings and types of tutoring, so it should be interesting. Luckily we get to shadow a writing tutor for awhile before being on our own.

I’m not doing well with money, guys. The entire year of 2017, I’ve only made $300 or so. I’ve spent $1,800 on school, even with scholarships, and $940 on medical things such as medication and copays. I did win a $1,000 scholarship which has been very delayed in arriving and I’m praying it will get here by the end of this week or next week so it can be applied to my account. I didn’t work over winter break, which was really my downfall; I needed the time for a mental health break, though... so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.

Unfortunately it took awhile too for me to lock down my jobs, meaning I only got to work for like 4 or 5 weeks. That really isn’t very much money even with the raise I got. Right now I’m owing $615 per month for my payment plan, and even with tutoring and potential Fridays at my dad’s job, I’m definitely going to lose money. I’m considering taking one winter class online, so I can still work all winter break. That $125 extra fee from my web class sure didn’t help me.

But I must soldier on! I’m going to make sure that none of my money ever goes to frivolous things and never goes to waste. Money is meant to be spent and not hoarded, as my mom reminds me, and it’s okay to spend some on things like going out every so often as well, so I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that (though I still am). School was always going to suck up money. I’m trying very very hard to stay in the moment now and not stress about next semester or worse, what will happen when I get hit with that $30k bill when I transfer and don’t have even close to that much saved.

Social

I’ve changed several times throughout my life socially. In 9th grade, I was extremely social because I needed to be and I had trouble being by myself. It was a lot like that through high school. When I made online friends in 11th grade, they were my social life while drama and bullying and shit went on in real life. Recently, I had a major burst in socialness online, and eventually reached breaking point when I became embroiled in drama.

Look, I’m 20 years old. I’m turning 21 in November. I had to ask myself, why the fuck am I on vacation with family, working on scholarship essays last-minute, and spending my time in the bathroom on my phone dealing with drama with someone years and years younger who’s slandering me to people whose opinions I shouldn’t give two shits about?

That was a big reality check. Because I wanted vengeance, I did. I wanted so badly to expose someone who was gleaning attention and convincing others and spreading half-truths and ruining people’s lives. But then I realized, you know what? That isn’t my goal in life. My goal in life isn’t to tear people down because they’ve torn others down. It’s so, so difficult. I was angry. I was upset. This person violated all of my principles. And we had the evidence against them, we could have potentially won most people over, and I wanted it not for my sake but for the sake of those they had hurt so much more than they hurt me.

But I couldn’t do it. In the end, I called it off. I backed out. I told people to lay off and let karma do its work. I realized how toxic the situation was, how absurd it was for me to be living on the internet when I’m in one of the most exciting periods of my life. How utterly imbecilic I was acting, getting caught up in so much senseless, meaningless, fruitless drama.

After that, I disengaged further from large social groups. I was already overwhelmed by the amount of people always trying to talk to me, so I had to cut myself off from that. And it feels so. Much. Better.

I’ve become more introverted, really. I work all day, then I write fanfiction and watch Netflix and color in my room by myself and I love it. I have any number of people I could hit up anytime and ask to hang out or video chat. But I don’t feel that push, that obsessive need, to be social all the time. Social media became addicting. I still work on that.

I’ve stayed in touch with real-life friends and done things with them when I had the energy, money, and time. Unfortunately my ex and then long-time guy friend both asked me out, and that was incredibly awkward, and the end of that. The trouble with my school is that there are a lot of dual enrollment students who are like, 16 or 17. Much as I love them, I’ve been thirsting for someone my own age with similar interests who I can hang out with. At the tutoring training I attended, I met someone (a guy, oooh). He’s 21 and we had a really good time together. I’m hoping we can hang out once the semester starts! I also met a girl who’s only 17, but she seems very mature and sweet and I also hope to hang out with her.

Things are good socially. I’m always working on that area of my life (with regards to mental health, mostly) but I’m still going strong. I have moments of loneliness for sure. However, I’m happy with myself and happy with my life. That’s what counts.

Mental health

If 10 is completely flawless and 0 is utter breakdown and 5 is rough, I would say my summer has been a solid 7 or 8. Which is pretty damn good!

Areas I’m working on still:

Body image. My ED voice has been loud this summer. That’s probably the area of most concern to me.

Anxiety. It hasn’t been too bad, but with transitions it usually increases, and I’ve noticed myself being more anxious (free-floating anxiety mostly) and irritable in the past few days.

Worrying way too much about others’ opinions. This pretty much traces to the internet. I mean, before I went on hiatus, I had tens of thousands of people criticizing my every word and move. That takes a toll. Moreover, as a fanfic writer, it’s pretty difficult to post things to the internet without craving comments and kudos and hits. I’ve turned off viewing hits for my own sanity, and taken breathers when I felt like I was getting too hung up on the ‘popularity’ of my fics. I write for myself, because I enjoy it. Not for the attention. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time, and I try not to be competitive. It’s really the numbers that get me - the hits and the kudos. I mean, I compare myself to people in different fandoms, fandoms I don’t even write for. It’s so dumb.

All in all, I’m proud of how I’ve been doing. I do have moments of stress mainly about money, but that’s par for the course. I would say I’ve made a 100% improvement from last summer/year and intend to continue doing so, even in light of the impending stressors.

Other

My new favorite movie is Gifted. Oh my god, I love it so much. I’ve seen it like, 5 times (2 of those were illegally whoops). I’ve been fairly active on Snapchat still - add me there edye327. I don’t really have much else to say, except thank you to people who have bought me things from my wishlist that I couldn’t otherwise afford. I haven’t gotten anything recently, but I just wanted to reiterate my appreciation.

If you’ve read this all the way through, reply with the color of your favorite shirt.

Much love,

Edye

[pretty-volatile]

Journal entry

Thursday, June 6th, 2019 1:40am

So I realized I haven't really journaled in a hot minute and I'm trying to keep track of shit so I know what to bring up when I finally see the psychiatrist.

First of all, only 15 more days until my appointment. I'm still self medicating with weed, but my usage varies day to day. Some days I don't need to smoke AS much, some days I need a lot of help, some days I'm okay but I just want to have fun. My tolerance is higher so I can do daytime use without being affected really. I feel it helps with the anger episodes too. It used to teeter between being helpful/unhelpful for when I was feeling down. Sometimes it would make the overthinking worse because it'd be harder to pull myself out. Lately, I've been exploring my emotions more and being high just helps me open up but kind of numbs some of the pain I might experience. It's more of an emotional trip.

Second of all, I really fucked up this quarter. I'm a 4th year college student and I had already accepted that I need longer, but like. I am worried that I might get kicked out lol. I was Subject to Dismissal ever since I failed my entire Winter Quarter 2018. Oops. Then the next quarter I thought I was going to be able to pick shit back up but then I couldn't keep up so I dropped out of the quarter Week 10 (literally the last week of the quarter lolol). Ever since then I've been trying so damn hard to keep school up while my mental health just kept failing me. I'd start out new every new beginning of a quarter and then by Week 4 I'd start falling behind because I just didn't want to do anything. I couldn't. But then there was a time or two that I was able to pick my ass back up and got decent enough grades to go onto the next thing. This quarter started out pretty well. I was on top of shit til about Week 5 or 6 or something. But I fucking finally cracked this quarter. I had started to pick up on some of my habits, and then I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and I just lost it. I opened the floodgates to some memories that I had forgotten about or blocked out. Everything started to connect and I started to experience trauma on top of present reality. It was TERRIBLE. Still is but like. It was just so overwhelming to recognize things I didn't even know I did or I didn't know that they weren't okay. Then I reached out to my therapist and I was like I think I have BPD. Of course she couldn't diagnose me because she's not a psychiatrist, but she has experience with supper groups for folx with BPD and she has experience with DBT. But she kept bringing up that she thought it was more likely that I have bipolar disorder. I was still set on BPD. Trying to think of all the symptoms that I experience and match with. I was obsessed with proving there was something wrong with me or that I needed help. Part of me was also thinking "There has to be something wrong because if not, then I really am just a piece of shit...." My insomnia has been pretty bad, which the only thing that helps is...you guessed it!....weed. which sometimes it fed into it too so I'd have to smoke so much that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I started to accept the possibility of bipolar disorder too and I was trying to pay attention to my mood(s) more too. Since I was aware of the symptoms of BPD and then later on bipolar, I was starting to pick up when a change was starting to happen so I could warn my partner. At one point my mood was like I was starting over again every single day. It'd start out moderately good and then by the end of the night I'd be breaking down crying about how I didn't want to go to bed just to start the whole day over again. During that time it was EXTREMELY hard to pull myself out of my depression/emptiness. Then once that nightmare stopped my mood switched to being hypomanic for about 6 days. Then right when I needed to get my shit together for school, I started to fall again. At first it was a numb "I don't want to do anything, life is dull, what's the point, fuck it". Then I just became really really sad overall. I didn't want to get out of bed or do chores. I didn't go to class. It was just TOO MUCH but like it made me feel like shit because I knew I needed to go.

Oh and all while I was experiencing most of this, my therapist has been away on medical leave since May 17th and the last time that I actually talked to her was yesterday (6/5 @ 1pm) but it was just for a brief 20 minute call. But we'll be able to pick things right back up when she gets back. I only have to wait 11 more days, so that's good.

Oh and my like impulsive behaviors/reckless shit (for me) was like spending money on food outside of groceries way more than I should have....I got a really bad case of the fuck its and I couldn't really say no because if I didn't buy snacks and food that we didn't have to make we wouldn't have eaten (we as in my partner & I) because of my lack of motivation and energy to do anything at all. I got to use my eating disorder as an excuse to feed into my impulses, oops. Oh and of course I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and like I smoke weed all the fucking time so I guess those could be some other "reckless" behaviors :P I don't really drink much because of my mother's alcoholism and PTSD. I've had tendencies in the past and when I turned 21 I had a bit of a freak out, but now I'm just like. I'll drink if everyone else is too or if it's for a show or if I just wanted some tall can of yummy stuff at home. Otherwise I REALLY prefer being stoned. It lasts longer. There's not really any PTSD associated with it, debatable but still. It helps me get over the anxiety of dealing with people or strangers specifically. Unfamiliar places with a shit ton of people are definitely a trigger for some panic episode or anger episode. I'll turn into a sour bitch for no reason other than that all the people freaked me out that much. I'm very much like I want a whole separate world for my partner & I and our friends so that we don't have to deal with shitty or creepy people....I like people once I get to know them and stuff but otherwise I'm just like SocIalIZing? Psssh ha...no. That also made it difficult to go to class because I got antisocial as fuck. I LOVE going for walks and doing errands while stoned and listening to music, but like...interacting with people? Having attention drawn onto me? Nooooooo thanx.

Finding out the BPD stuff though weirdly helped me to start talking to other humans again? Kind of? I mean it was mostly me like venting or whatever but I was actually talking to people? (Via messaging mostly) lololol the funniest thing is that a fp was the reason I even looked up BPD. I developed a "crush" first and then later I looked up BPD because I was like ya know... I wanna know. I looked it up once before because there was a time that we thought my mom had BPD. Come to find out, she had bipolar instead. But I remember the first time I looked it up I was like "ha! Some of these symptoms/signs are personally calling me out" but I was mostly looking at it to understand my mom so I wasn't really thinking about myself that much. Plus when I looked it up first, I was still disassociating pretty bad that I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing or how I was feeling. But when I looked it up the second time... literally EVERYTHING or just about everything that was coming up was exactly how I was feeling or how I have felt in the past. Then I found out about the Favorite Person thing and I was like oof, that's some...that's some shit right there. I still have to sort out what relationships/crushes were actually crushes or just a fp thing that eventually faded away into me not talking to them anymore. That was really fun to admit to my fp that they were the reason I looked up BPD. Lol but we did have a good conversation and like I tried to talk to other people that either understood second hand or first hand. Another person I talked to has BPD, and the other already has mental health issues and his fiance has BPD (so they both understand). Found I am/was an fp to another person that I apparently inspired him to finally go get the help he needs, but like he just had to fuck it up recently by bringing up a touchy subject. I can only imagine how angry or upset he is with me for not responding, which is also why I don't want to answer because I'm too scared with that kind of pressure of being someone's fp 😭😓🙈🙊 sorry bud....just had to bring up something that happened to be a touchy topic 😅

Lately I've really been trying to use music to get me through shit again. Back in high school all I would do at home was stay up, listen to music, draw, write poetry, watch movies, stay up on my phone or laptop. And I was creative as fuck! I've been trying to listen to old music, which also helped me realized just how much help I need(ed) because of how much I would relate to this music and this music was like really deep and really...just it was concerning that is as so young and connecting with what these adults are singing about. It also helped unlock memories. unlocked old feelings. Lots of drifting. But now my music listening is a little more controlled and I used to go on these emotional trips full of memories and just letting myself get swept off into it. I probably can only do this successfully since I eventually said fuck it to the rest of this quarter. (I saved one class but uh unless my professors can make my BPD/bipolar go away then there's nothing we can do.) But like the emotional trips have been really therapeutic for me honestly. Sometimes I feel a little "aw fuck that's all I did today, oops". But other than that it's been helpful. I was also able to draw! I've done like 3 drawings within the like past week ish. Which is more than I thought I'd be able to do. For the longest time I was so blocked off from my emotions and thoughts, I'd feel like drawing but once I sat down it was hard to start it or finish it. Or I'd be able to do like 1 good one every few months. Back in high school I was constantly drawing and even into the beginning of college, but once I started disassociating it was like bye bye creative motivation. Obviously I don't want to take advantage of this burst of creative motivation but like it feels REALLY good. I eventually want to get back into poetry too. I'm actually an art hoe, but when I disassociated I like had no drive to document anything nor the mental capacity/awareness to connect the dots. Which really cramped on me being artsy because my whole art experience is fluid, just let it take me where I need to go. I did some poetry within the last year though. Mainly relating to addiction/alcoholism/insomnia. I'm very much an emotional set type person. It's almost always centered around a feeling or situation that invokes feelings/thoughts.

Okay that's even impressive that I got this much of journaling done, but I think I should stop now. This is long enough and now my thoughts are just kinda scattered and I'm too tired to keep coming back to any points I'm making. This was meant to just be a check in but it turned into like a full on documentation of how I've been feeling or whatever. Whew exhausted. Maybe I'll jot shit down again later after I reread my post later. Goodnight for now ✌

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 46

I walked in and sat down. She said that I looked really red and I said ugh let me just show you the picture. I showed her a picture of my sunburn and explained that I had been a fucking idiot and hadn’t used sunscreen at the beach so I got sun poisoning and cold sores and was miserable and the trip felt like a cluster fuck because of it and it’s my own fault because I didn’t use sunscreen because I had felt like it wasn’t that hot out and I didn’t think that I was burning. I told her that it was a lesson learned and then I had almost canceled my session for the day and decided that if Lynn was going to judge me, she was going to judge me. Lynn was like no I don’t mean that you look bad, I just meant that you can tell you’ve been burnt. She said yikes and she was sorry I got so burnt. She asked what beach I had gone to and I said Robert Moses, and she said that she would be going to Montauk next week and she would remember to bring her sunscreen. I said that she is definitely more tan than I am, but that her redhead kid might benefit. She laughed and said her daughter is more pasty than I am. She said that she would be gone with her daughter by the train and asked if I had ever done that. I said no and I honestly didn’t even know that the train went there because we had only ever gone by car. I laughed and said for your non-vacation? She laughed and said yes and that she is doing her non-vacations the right way.

I explained the fight my dad and I had about him sending my husband an article on are you good enough to get into heaven and how I had stood up to him. I told her that my mom and I had the talk at the beach and then I was just the two of us, and I asked if I could just read from my Tumblr. She said of course and I read what I had written from that day out loud. She started laughing at one point and was like oh my gosh I’m sorry for laughing but this is so ridiculous on her part she’s literally comparing you to a foster child. I said I know! And I continued reading. I got to the point where I asked my mom how as a six-year-old I would’ve known to tell my doctor that I was having severe anxiety, and Lynn pause me and was like good for you for responding In such a healthy way. She pointed out that any doctor should’ve been able to spot that I had anxiety going on because you can spot and anxious kid a mile away. I finished reading my Tumblr and she asked me how I was feeling about it. I said that I was glad because the timing of it came at a point in which I really do you know and believe that it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of myself as a child and that’s because if EMDR. She pointed out that the biggest thing for her and reading everything was that my parents are very clearly still trying to control me. She said while I was reading she wrote down how my mom had made the comment that she was playing the Therapist card and how throughout the whole thing my mom was clearly trying to control me and control who I am, controlling my husband and I being religious and controlling the kind of relationship we have, where she is controlling us to have this surface level relationship built as a glass house with everything looking good on the outside and I am trying to build a solid foundation. I said that I hadn’t really realized how controlling she was being, but that all of that made sense. I explained how generally speaking they are definitely controlling and I told her about how my parents and Ashley were helpful when I had a question about buying a home because obviously I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing since I’ve never bought one before and have never learned about it, but that quickly turned into them telling me what I should and shouldn’t purchase and how much I should spend and how I need to think about how having a child will affectmy finances and daycare fees and whatnot. She told me about how there are times with her 19-year-old twin daughters that she will say something and be like crap and wish you could take it back because she is asking things that are assuming that they are still children whereas when they turn 18 they become adults and things change. She talked about how my mom needs to learn how to treat me like an adult, just like she is learning how to treat her kids like adults. She also pointed out that she always forgets that I’m still a millennial, and that she has noticed in her practice that across-the-board there seems to be a commonality among my parents generation of being helicopter parents and how that has influenced my generation being extremely helpless. She pointed out that the some extent it would be normal and healthy to not really know how to do certain things, but that there seems to be a generational issue going on where a lot of people around my age really don’t know what they’re doing in a lot of areas. She said that her daughter had volunteered to help a senior in high school and her mom with their application for college because she was applying for a theater school. Lynn said that she texted her daughter back and said ha ha Ha and her daughter was like wait what and Lynn was like do you mean you volunteered me to come do it? Because I’m pretty sure you didn’t do any of your application, I did it all for you and that her daughter laughed and was like will you please help because she had realized that she really hadn’t done any of her application. I laughed and said I never did a FAFSA a day in my life and my parents did that for me. Lynn said that her parents never did anything for her and that made her more dependent, although now that I think about it her mom is also bipolar so I could see where her mom was in able to be helpful based on how Lynn has described her mom being unstable. I said that I wasn’t sure if my parents think their behavior is normal or not because I know while they dated and even when they were first married they lived with my dad’s mom because my mom’s family was so unstable and they wanted to save money. So maybe they really think that there are overbearing behavior is normal. Lynn said they probably do think it’s normal but that doesn’t make it normal or healthy. She asked me if I Mabel to look at everything my mom said and see how absolutely ridiculous it is, and I said yes. I explained how it’s weird that they are so different with the foster kid and I can totally see why they don’t like the foster kid. I told her about how they let Ellie eat uncrustables and fish sticks and no vegetables all the time. Lynn laughed and said because they know they can’t control her, and I laughed and said that they know they are in allowed to spank her so now, and she said yeah and they are in allowed to starve her like they did to you because all she has to do is tell the caseworker that they aren’t feeding her and they would get in trouble, so your parents know what they are doing. I said I hadn’t really thought of it like that but that makes sense. I told her about Hannah and Angel and how funny they are in that it’s sad that they are being raised in the super religious household as well and I felt sad hearing them use those on realistic simple faith answers for things.

I told her about the rest of the trip and how I have been disappointed with Pastor lake who had made A dumb comment about wishing that pastors were able to call themselves counselors and that most people really just need biblical guidance and not counseling, and that for one he was basically shitting on my career and two, it was disappointing because he’s like this major Trump supporter now and I just felt like a letdown that he thinks like that. This all sparked a conversation about religion. She said that she grew up Catholic and that her husband was a lot more conservative and grew up Baptist and that they raise the kids and I’m nondenominational church and that they were always given a lot more freedom to understand religion and how they wanted to understand it. I said that I feel guilty because part of me knows I could be closer to my mom if I were different and if I could be this really religious person like she wants, and Lynn pointed out that I can’t be that because once you’ve seen the light, but she laughed and said no religious pun intended, you can’t go back. She explained how she has seen over the years a lot of her kids friends who were raised in more religious circles where they really struggle with questioning anything and believe things that don’t really make sense. She said that her husband and her son go to the Presbyterian Church and she laughed and said she doesn’t usually go with that she occasionally watches it on TV. She said that she likes the pastor and all but that the church itself is a little bit to west of their city. She said she is sure that we have the equivalent of that in my area, and she basically explained that it’s a lot of wealthy upper-class people who are conformists. She laughed and said she should probably try to find a Methodist church, and I laughed and said that I go to a Methodist church! I asked her if there will ever be a point when I don’t get so mad about the conservative religiosity. She said it takes time and that for her she recognize that more often than not when she was getting angry, it was because of something else and not necessarily the actual religiosity, like if she was wanting to protect someone and someone was using obscure Bible verses to hurt them. I said that made sense but I think I also just get really upset in general, and then I pointed out that part of me feels like maybe that will change once I process my grandma’s death because that had so much religious bullshit with the Church blaming me for her getting sicker because of spiritual warfare and me not praying enough when really I had panic disorder. I explained that my parents seem to struggle to have any conversation without throwing in Bible verses and religiosity, and that maybe that sounds bad because for them God is within everything they do and maybe I’m not a good Christian because he’s not. When cut me off and explain that maybe God does permeate all that I do. She said that I’m a therapist and what more else away to share my faith than through helping people navigate life. She pointed out that God can be within everything I do without me being explicitly obnoxious with Bible verses and pointing everything out. She pointed out that there’s a point where once you know you cannot now, and that for a lot of people you get home point where you begin to question things. She said she grew up Catholic, but that when she was in college it was easy for her to point out and realize that she didn’t really believe in a lot of the things she was raised to believe. I said I wasn’t really sure exactly how I got out of it except that enough shit hit the fan, and I began to question why all of the simple faith answers like prayer we weren’t working or fixing things. She pointed out that my parents are living in the dark and she said we could definitely process my grandma’s sickness.

I also told her about how I went and saw my brothers apartment in the city and that we walked around. I laughed and said my brother and I have both disappointed my parents because he’s a lot like I am, and that we both are not very religious and are Democrats and see things very differently. I explained that I wasn’t really sure how he became like that, and she asked me how he deals with my parents. I said that I would guess that he was anxious as a kid because he had a problem with biting his shirt and he could not stop moving his hands all the time and teachers literally questioned if he had Tourette’s, and may be in today’s day and age they would’ve diagnosed him ADHD hyperactive and that he had a lot of separation anxiety when I came to sleep because he would always back to sleep in my parents bed and they almost always let him even though that sucked for me because they never let me sleep in their bed, but that he had to recite that Bible verse I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone oh Lord make me dwell in safety every night. I said I’m guessing that he probably doesn’t really think about it too much and that one time we had talked about how my parents view me as The favorite and he had said that it bothers him but that he doesn’t really think about it much. I also explained that my brother’s response to things are very different because he’s very mouthy and it’s really disrespectful and rude to my parents so if my dad were to say something religious my brother might say something like oh my God you’re so stupid how do you believe that and then laugh at him and that I used to be fairly mouthy and rude and disrespectful as well but that I think a lot of that has changed because Chris witnessed it and told me that he was shocked by how disrespectful I was and I was completely unaware because my parents had never corrected me so I don’t usually respond like that.

She asked what my husband thought about the text message by between my dad and I, and I explained that anyway it was good because I think it kind of brought us together because my husband saw that I was 100% on his team and on my parents. I explained that once before my parents had been texting him all the time telling him that he needed to get car insurance and that while I did tell my parents to leave them alone, I did technically agree with them that he needed to do it, and that overall we have had a hard time being on the same team because the eating disorder had always kept us divided. I explained that he kept telling me how he really appreciates how I stood up for him and how I defended him and I think it sort of solidified the fact that we are together and not my parents and I. She agreed and said that it also probably boosted my husband’s ego seeing me defend him like that. She asked how everything else is going on in my life and I said that work is stressful but it kind of is what it is right now as I adjust to the job because so many of the issues really are gray and there is no black-and-white right or wrong answer so a lot of it is making a judgment call. I told her that I have the NCE exam coming up and she was like I don’t know what that is and I was like well it’s the first exam for the professional counseling degree and she was like oh that’s right and I was like yeah I should be more anxious and studying and she was like well that’s really good, and I was like no that’s bad anxiety drives me to study and be a better student and she was like well but you can cram and you will do well as usual and I was like yeah but it’s just a matter of actually doing it right now. I told her that things with my husband and I are going really well and that we are actually looking at buying homes but that it takes finding a home that we both like because we do have different interests. She said not many homes in their area have basements either and I said that made sense because we don’t either. But that all the homes in Long Island had a basement. I said we will take it day by day and see if we find something.

She said that was good and asked what I wanted to come back. I said more like what are you getting back from your non-vacation. She laughed and said Sunday but then Monday is Labor Day and she’s not working for Labor Day, so I laughed and said anything to get out of a day of work. She laughed and said you know me, and I said yeah sleeping in and not working late so you can be with your kids and taking off all holidays and going on non-vacations. She laughed and said goals, goals. She explained that I’m doing the same thing and that sometime she wishes she had focus a little more on her career when she was younger but that I was already doing that which was good. She said that when her kids were little it worked out really well because she was able to work part time and be there for the car pick up line and all of that, and her husband worked to late and I would have that same luxury to be able to work while the kids are in school. She explained that her husband is a good dad but didn’t really enjoy being as involved when they were really little but enjoyed being more involved as they got bigger. I laughed and said I was sure my husband would be the same way because his patients with little little kids Isn’t very good and I can’t see him wanting to wait in the car pick up line. She said her husband has sort of a Nich career in that he is a security data analyst and he used to work for the government but he has a lot of flexibility now with his job but he didn’t want to work for the government. She said he was happy to be more of the breadwinner and work more so that she could be with the kids more. I said that would be my ideal as well. We set up for two Fridays from now on because she was booked up on Tuesday and Wednesday and she only had a early Thursday appointment which I couldn’t do. And then she said she thought her blood sugar was dropping and she asked me if this happens to me too. She said it’s hard for her to think and she needs to eat something and then it will go away. I laughed and said that I just always assume that my body has adjusted to not eating enough over the years that things like that don’t happen to me. She laughed and said oh and that she would be fine when she eat something. I told her I was sorry because I don’t have anything with me and she said it was fine because the other person in practice has a bunch of food in the kitchen, and I said yeah I don’t you keep all of your almonds in the car and she was like oh that’s right so she started eating her almonds and said she would be fine. She also said she should be fine because she thought she had enough protein because she had eggs in the morning and I was like well you're supposed to go for three food groups so you are missing two and she was like well and I had a pancake LOL and I was like OK will you're still missing one and she was like what's the other food group and I was like fruit or vegetable? And she was like oh that makes sense. I told her to enjoy Long Island and to go visit Tates bakeshop and the Hamptons while she was over there. And then I headed out.

I forgot to tell Lynn about how my mom had asked if I exercised, and then when I said no, she asked how I stay so slim.

[littledragonlily]

TMI: Oversharing

((Trigger warning: mentions of self harm, r@pe, abuse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, body dysmorphia, mental illness, ...um, a lot, actually, so please please think about this before reading ahead. My life's a mess tbh. Will put an * (or many, if bad bad) by the numbers of anything with potentially bad triggers just in case..)) Credit to one of my mutuals, after reading their oversharing post, I felt like writing my own might actually be cathartic for me, so thank you mutual (no name callout because they may not be comfortable with that). 1. I actually have zero idea about who I am when I'm on my own. I've felt this way for years and only recently has it been recognized/taken seriously. 2. My father and three siblings are all on the autism spectrum in varying degrees. The question hangs if I am too, I show similar signs, but I don't care enough to find out. 3. I cycle through obsessive behaviors. Collecting things, couponing, certain games; luckily it has never landed on an unhealthy addiction so far, but it scares me that it might. 4*. I have been self destructive for 7+ years. (For clarification, I'm 21 going on 22 currently.) My arm is white lines and long story short, I cannot wear shorts above my knees anytime soon, or anything less than a one-piece bathing suit to cover my torso. 5*. My arms are healed because I was relentlessly picked on by an abusive ex and my own father when I wore it on my sleeves, so to speak.. I hide it now. My dad still doesn't know I started doing it again and I plan on keeping it that way. 6****. Callout to my ex I mentioned above. Because of him, I get ptsd episodes if I'm under the water even a second too long, forbid I'm being held down even playfully. He took whatever he wanted, including my current peace of mind in relationships. I've been trying to escape the damage he caused for 5 years. 7****. Callout to friends/another ex I trusted that would not take no for an answer, especially the one that took me as I cried for him to stop. 8*. By all normative standards, I'm wickedly smart. I had the military branches beating down my door from my perfect aptitude test scores (no studying, mind you, I wing tests), and if not for mental issues stealing my motivation to try, I could've been in my top ten graduating from high school easily. However..no one wants to take a damaged "genius" so..yeah. 9. I have so so so many ideas of what I want to do with my life, but I'm viciously afraid of stepping foot outside of my not-so-comfy-but-good-enough bubble. 10*. I am professionally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. That list may grow when I actually trust the psychiatrist enough to tell them Everything™. 11. If I don't push myself to hang out with my friends/favorite people, and it has to be because THEY want ME, I will quite literally spend all day in my bed during my time off. Even finding the motivation to clean my room and pay my bills (spoiler, I usually don't) is just..improbable. 12*. I have two, count them one-two, people that are even close to knowing Everything™ about me. (Unfortunate spoiler: they've both done things that they sometimes use against each other to make me question my faith in them.) I love them both, which causes me immense guilt because they both want to keep me Forever™ (also know to me as until they get tired of my..Me-ness.) and right now I'm just wondering how long of Forever™ I'll actually be alive for. 13. Speaking of immense guilt, hi, it's because I've hurt mentioned people both more than they admit to. I didn't mean to I'm sorry I really didn't just I just how do you not depend on someone that you were engaged to but also how do you not depend on someone that actually gets you and is your carer and you actually get along with everyone in their system and ahhhh fjdjfhdjrbd I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.. 14. Sorry, sorry.. I'm back. Kinda? Anyway.. I feel like a split person, kinda. I have different aspects of myself that handle different things and I have names for them, but I would NOT call myself a system at this point, I would just say I am compartmentalizing and personifying certain aspects of my personality. It just feels easier, yeah? I try to stick to the ones people love best (Mama(carer)-me, Lily(regressed)-me, and Belle(work)-me). My carer is the only person "acquainted" with all of Me™ by name. 15. I only always get along with one person in my house, which is my little sister, Hannah. She has a degenerative disorder and has her own special way of communicating. But as far as I can tell, I'm one of her favorite people, and that makes me super happy actually. 16. So I got derailed on number 13 because that's such a touchy subject. Mostly because I'm forced to choose between the two of them because of societal norms/their feelings/some other reasons here, and in my head and heart I'm so dependent on them both it hurts. (Lately, however, I've been more dependent on my carer.) 17****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on ex-fiancé person: Has hit me in a "black-out rage" previously (isolated, non-recurring, however I have my days of questioning would I trigger that again..), can be incredibly argumentative if my word choice is incorrect expressing my issues (bad to the point it has triggered me to self-harm), and has forced my indecisive self into making a decision in the midst of a six-hour crying/panicked episode. Also can be neglectful as a person to depend on at times, a little more self-centered than he realizes most of the time, etc. 18****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on my carer person: Lack of respect towards a previous relationship with ex-fiancé ((as in..well.. some unloyal behavior happened while I was drunk/high/sometimes sober and it actually makes me sick that I let that happen.. I disrespected my own relationship oh god I'm horrible I never wanted to be that person I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..)(okay, okay, calmed down..)), one of his alters is notoriously angry/violent however has recently been more gentle with me after some talks about the fact that anger/arguments/violence/yelling trigger my anxiety badly (I'm a sensitive marshmallow puff y'all, sorry..), I WILL NOT HOLD HIS PAST AGAINST HIM but it sometimes gets in my head a little so I try to talk it out when it does, he does have a bit of dependence on Mary Jane (think green, not a lady) but I don't mind this so much because it's better than alcohol (I helped with that! I helped! Yay!), and there are some times when he doesn't word things well and it'll get to me but I don't see this being intentional honestly. 19*. My past trauma makes me hypersexual, and sometimes I'm incredibly disgusted with myself for being that way. Thankfully though, my regressed self is "too small" for those things and my carer does not fetishize my regressed self, so thankful for that. It is that that caused my initial confusion because I didn't understand that some communities were fetish.. ugh.. 20****. In the past year I have cycled through drinking, smoking, and pills as a short-term "dependence" (I put that in quotes because I feel as if it had been serious I would not have been able to step away so easily). Each one I have quit (drinking is social, and never anywhere near as heavy as it used to be). I occasionally smoke Mary Jane now as it is more effective than my Prozac I'm currently prescribed (will get changed soon, I hope). 21. Physically I have some liver/kidney damage (my fault), scalp psoriasis, chronic acid reflux, chronic pain (fibromyalgia), anemia, cold and hot sensitivity, spleen damage (I'm Epstein-Barr sensitive, aka unfortunately susceptible to mono), and something I don't have a name for that makes me get incredibly weak if I don't have a steady intake of sugar during the day.. (any ideas?) 22. I have a SEVERE phobia of vomit. I can handle the word, stories are iffy, but seeing/smelling/hearing it will trigger a panic attack and when i do it (which is thankfully only once every few years so far) it is incredibly painful and I will NOT eat for days. I will be absolutely food repulsed. I doubt anyone would post anything visual, but if you do and you're reading this, PLEASE I'm begging you, post a warning for me. I'll be eternally thankful. 23. Something lighthearted for once: I will not see a superhero/comic book/Nerdy™ movie that I can't go see without my dad. It's just super important to me. 24****. I hate my appearance while simultaneously being incredibly vain about it (do I make sense? No? Ok). I have dysmorphia, because I swear by a few things (I'm always too big, my skin is always bad, etc etc.) If it were not for my conditions (phobia of vomit, not being able to function without sugar), I'd most likely have an eating disorder. Instead I am in a state of limbo where I hate my body but I won't do anything negative to impact my body image. (Yay?) 25. You now know more about me than most people I know in real life, including my parents and family. Sorry it's so much, thanks for sticking around.