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[prxncess-diaries]

Dear Diary,

I really cannot do 100 calories today, I’m home all day. I think I’m going to turn today into a maintenance day, especially since I weighed in at 174.8 this morning! I think I’ll allow myself 1500, just for today, 1. because my mom is getting really suspicious of me and 2. so I can get out some of my cravings and worry less. 1500 should be enough to get our cravings without worrying about gaining.

It kind of sucks to know I’ll eat this much, and I don’t want to, but I know that mathematically, this will help me maintain my weight, and I’ll pick the ABC diet back up tomorrow at 200.

Love,

Princess

[prxncess-diaries]

Dear Diary,

I want to be that girl that fat people who can’t lose weight talk about. I want to hit my UGW, and then eat like a pig in front of those fat people (that aren’t my friends, but maybe we have the same friend group), like get proper junk, probably order more than even them. I want to go to the mall as a group, and order a massive cinnamon roll, and mcdonald’s chicken nuggets with large fries, and still manage to eat a slice of pizza on my way out. Not as a regular thing, never more than once in a week, and obviously I’d work out enough to make sure I’d actually burn just as much as I ate, but I’d love to just properly fuck with people, leave them wondering how I manage to eat so many calories (some will obviously be nutritional, even if they don’t appear as such, like Ill be aware of what I’m eating and plan ahead) and so much shitty food, and still manage to maintain a perfect figure.

It’s not that I want to discourage other people from weight loss, it’s mostly just, I want to be one of those “skinny people who seem to only eat pizza and junk, but stay skinny” to confuse people. I know it’s sort of toxic and malicious sounding but… it’s really one of my goals, it makes me feel controlled and powerful to know that I can do as much as I want and maintain weight.

Love,

Princess

[prxncess-diaries]

Dear Diary,

Here’s my fucked up list of mental disorders I suspect I have/actually have

- ADHD (Actually diagnosed, it’s not very severe)

- Depression (Stereotypical but… no doubt about it)

- C-PTSD (Childhood sexual assault caused this <3)

- BPD (I’m at a high risk and have shown a lot of the symptoms, including the less glamorized ones such as the explosive rage, mood swings - which are extremely severe, impulsive and self destructive behaviors, etc)

- Probably anxiety or panic disorder (related to my c-ptsd)

- Obviously disordered eating, and dysmorphia (which may be linked to BPD)

This isn’t for internet clout or to impress anyone, I honestly just want to keep a list because I talk to a therapist about some of these issues, so I try to keep track of different symptoms, and categorize them to make connections, makes me feel like like I’m losing my mind I guess.

Also, I want to talk about one of my biggest fears I’ve recently realized I have

I have an extreme fear of abandonment. Like, extreme. Not only do I check on people who seem even a bit off multiple times to ask if I’ve done anything, but I also can’t stand my friends being friends with each other because I’m terrified I’ll get left behind.

One of my closest friends, S, posted a thing about their best friend, K, who is also my best friend, and I was just so absolutely hurt because, well, S and I have known each other for years, and I was just hurt and confused. They went on a road trip together a year-ish ago and didn’t invite me, and jealousy was not enough to describe how I felt. I felt angry, sick, terrified, that was the last time in a while I considered SHing again, and I wanted to show them, in some sick, twisted attempt to get them to stop being closer to each other than they were to me.

I didn’t, and I hope I never do something as disgusting and toxic as that, but I’m fucking terrified of myself sometimes. My boyfriend has been acting a little bit distant lately, and I’ve asked 6-7 times in the past two days, and he’s promised me that he’s fine, but I’m still fucking terrified that he hates me, he wants to leave me, something. I’m scared of the lengths I’d go to to get him back as well.

Sorry for this rant, I just needed to get it out somehow.

Terrified,

Princess

[prxncess-diaries]

Dear Diary,

Honestly, I really want to talk more about how much easier it is to restrict when you’re choosing vegan foods! And without options like goldfish, meat, etc. (some of my favorite foods)!

Here’s an example:

My go to dessert when I ate dairy - Hot chocolate and whipped cream (150cal)

My go to dessert now - Half a tub of halo cookie dough vegan ice cream (180cal, and a heck of a ton more filling, tastes delicious!)

Also, it’s a lot harder for my mom to inadvertently sabotage me by getting me sugary high cal breakfasts and desserts, like donuts, cookies, croissants, etc. and when my friends offer me snacks, it’s way easier to turn them down when you can say “I cant eat that!”

Being vegan also makes it harder to binge because, well, there’s not all that much to binge on! Like, what am I gonna do… eat a pound of bananas and a pound of spinach? That adds up to like… 600 calories! Eat a loaf of white bread? 740 calories! Add a slice of vegan cheese per 2 slices of bread? 1260 and you’ve got yourself NINE grilled cheese sandwiches! Some foods are still high calorie, but they’re few and far between, odds are I won’t have the urge to buy and eat 1800 calories in oreos (a full container) or eat a full size bag of lays!

Technically all of this can be invalidated if you just consider the fact that you could cheat on being vegan but… that’s not an issue I see many people dealing with.

If you read that entire happy… rant… thing, thank you! I hope you consider some of the things I said!

Love,

Princess

[prxncess-diaries]

Hey! That’s me!

Dear Diary,

I made an alt! I’ve been seeing a lot of people get taken down recently, so I decided to make an alternate in case! I’ll also probably post a few things there, maybe some vent art (I’m a semiprofessional artist) stuff like that!

Check me out! @prxncess-diaries

Love,

Princess