kleiner2296-blog

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**Long read! But hang in there for me! I am okay. Cj is doing fine, everyone and everything is fine! Don’t worry.** 😘

Okay. Here’s what happened yesterday for those of you who want to know. I have kept an open book the last few months about my mental illness and my journey with my whole self love thing and just trying to lead a “normal” life. I have been keeping my life open to try and help others who go through what I go through, but yesterday I realized something even more important. Being open is also something that helped me. I was coping with my mental illness almost pretty well until yesterday.

Before you read all that I am about to say, I want to make a quick statement that is important in knowing why I am choosing to share my story and why I decided to post things yesterday- I’ve gotten a message already saying that I was seeking attention. That’s fine if that’s the way you want to see it, BUT! Here is why I did it. Yesterday, I had messages checking in on me all day long- and some messages came when I really needed it. I had a good friend of mine literally stop everything and come over and sit with me until I felt okay. IF I had NOT said anything- there would have been no messages, no friends- just me trying to deal with it alone. Because too often, we don’t reach out when there isn’t something “wrong”. Check on your friends even if you don’t see the struggle.

***BEFORE YOU READ THIS NEXT PART KNOW THAT I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I DO NOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS*** However, take a good look at your friends on facebook. I can guarantee 1 in 5 are battling mental illness. That’s the statistic. Look it up. If they felt suicidal or were struggling but people like you shame them from sharing that struggle and reaching out, chances are things could go wrong. And we wonder why suicide rates are so high right now. If we can’t even count on our friends to understand, how could we count on doctors or therapists? This isn’t something we choose. We need to end that stigma and allow for more open conversations regarding anxiety/depression/other mental illnesses (because those are not the only 2 but they are part of my life). So yes, I guess if you view it that way, I was asking for attention but it was because my anxiety got so bad yesterday that I couldn’t do it alone. I’m a mom. I cannot sit there and not be able to function. If I need help, i’m going to ask. Thank you to anyone who reached out. Please continue to check on your friends.

Okay. Now. What everyone wants to know.

Anxiety is irrational. It doesn’t have to make sense. Please keep that in mind. Because most of the time it doesn’t make sense. It’s the smallest, dumbest things that can put your body in the “Flight or fight mode”. Stupid things trigger anxiety and even through in a rational world we know they are stupid and silly, in our brains at that moment of panic, it is the most rational fear.

Yesterday I woke up, after a super vivid dream about me talking to Cj about his job. The dream didn’t go so well, and so that was the first thing. That triggered some anxiety. But I was fine. I go get Carter out of his crib, and then I checked my phone. There was a text about my sister in law going into labor. That did it for me. My body went into a full panic attack. I had this overwhelming rush of many many emotions all at once that my brain decided it couldn’t process it all- and it was just too much. At first I felt so joyful! I was so excited to meet the new baby in the family- but then I felt this incredible wave of sadness because my husband wasn’t here to enjoy this moment with me. I realized that this is the life style we chose but it doesn’t mean I can’t be sad. The sadness quickly turned into this huge guilt. I felt SO guilty and undeserving of being happy at the moment. I felt so sick to my stomach that I was able to be in that moment and feel happy, and that threw me overboard. One of my biggest triggers for anxiety is imperfection. My whole life I always felt like I had to be a perfect child, with perfect grades and perfect everything- and though I have worked through a lot of that, there are feeling that’s still come up and trigger the anxiety. In that moment I felt like an imperfect, unfair, wife. I know writing this down probably seems so small, but in my brain all these emotions were overwhelming. I called my mom to help me “walk me off the ledge” is what we call it. She helped me work through the panic attack and calm down enough so I could feed my kid who was nagging me for breakfast (Man. Toddlers lol).

Then I calmed down enough to where I wasn’t panicking but was just still full of anxiety. Carter and I took a nap and then the cycle started again for me. I also found out yesterday that we didn’t get paid from cjs job- we are prepared for this- but my brain went into this panic of “imperfection” and I wasn’t sure how to curb the COMPLETELY irrational thought of not having a home or getting the lights cut out or something stupid and silly. (All those bills are paid... so this is an example of how silly and weird anxiety is).

Then I get to the hospital and I meet beautiful baby jensen, and I felt again that overwhelming guilt; and the sadness. So I held it together until I couldn’t hold it together any longer, I left the room and I lost it. I just broke down full force in the middle of the hospital, parking lot, and a million times more in the car. My sister in law was with me in the car and understands exactly what I go through so she was so wonderful and non judge mental and let me spill all the wonderful things that happened yesterday that contributed to my state of mind. (There’s more than what I’m telling you because I can only air my own dirty laundry you know? lol)

So. Amongst other things that happened, this was the main trigger for me yesterday and I really was having a hard time coping. I couldn’t get my brain out of that “fight or flight” mode. I just couldn’t walk myself off the ledge and it took 3 panic attacks, a million messages from friends and to have someone sit with me until I was able to get my head out of that state- wine helped a lot haha! but that’s not an appropriate way of handling it).

What I learned during all this: Because there will be many times I’m alone, and will move to areas I don’t have friends or that support system like I had yesterday, I have decided that I need medical intervention and am going to finally get on medication for my anxiety. (Yes mom, I know you’ve been telling me this forever. I am stubborn)

So again if you’ve read this far, thank you. And if you were there for support, thank you. I feel great today and am relaxed and clear headed. Yesterday was a hard day, but today is a new day. 💕

[kleiner2296-blog]

this is me today. this is anxiety- this is after a panic attack. This is my “calmed down”. Trying to be a parent when you are being crippled by your own mental illness. Trying to be strong when your husband is away for work, and trying to be the house’s foundation. Trying to hide the tears so you don’t send your 2 year old into panic. “Mommy’s okay”. This is anxiety. this is raw. this is real. this is frustrating.

this is my truth.

and today I am struggling. and i’m not sure if i’ll be okay today. But I have to try. because I am a mom. and I have to do this. I have to push through. I just have to. I have no other choice.

i’m fighting between my reality of what I know I have to do, and my mind telling me what it thinks i need to do.

this is motherhood with a mental illness.

[kleiner2296-blog]

If you ever get a chance to do a self love photo shoot- Do it. When you reach that point where you just want to climb out of the dark hole you’ve been in for so long, you should celebrate. Not for anyone else, but for you.

I’m so blessed that I was able to climb out of my dark place. Though anxiety is a daily thing, the depression I was going through was such a scary time. These photos were taken during sunrise to symbolize the light coming from the darkness.

to whoever needs to hear this:

YOU ARE WORTHY.

THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER.

THE LIGHT IS JUST A LITTLE FURTHER.

You can do this. I support you.

Photocredit: Rachel Kay Photos. (You can find her on facebook!)

[kleiner2296-blog]

Validate.

Hey guys it’s been a while since I’ve blogged anything but I felt like this was really important. It’s just something that’s been on my mind that truly hits home for me.

it’s so nice to have someone who understands EXACTLY what you go through on a daily basis. Someone who validates you and gives you a sense of inclusion. Having people who share the same mental illness is probably one of the most rewarding things when you go through such a thing.

Speaking personally, with anxiety/depression comes this feeling of loneliness. I OFTEN question myself on “why me?”. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why does life have to feel so difficult over simple things? It’s so hard to get “normal” people to understand what I go through regularly/chronically.

I would like to give some advice for anyone who reads this:

�� If someone struggles with a mental illness- DO NOT discredit them. Validate their feelings- nobody said you have to understand them to make them feel validated- Eveyone feels differently- and with mental illness those feelings are often forced on you against your will. Mental illness wouldn’t exist if the feelings could just be erased whenever.

🏜 Let then know that everything is going to be okay. Yes, their struggles may be so silly and petty, but in their minds it literally is “do or die” at that moment. TALK THEM OFF THE LEDGE.

🌻 Imagine walking around with that feeling in your throat (that feeling where your throat is tight and you cannot breathe) when you cry- but every single day. Imagine your chest feeling like it’s going to be crushed by the weight of a house. Imagine your heart beating so fast you genuinely feel like it might explode. Imagine feeling like you are burning up in an oven but your body is involuntarily shivering like you’re cold. Imagine your world crashing down over the tinyest things. Imagine wanting to complete your to do list but you’re a prisoner in your own head that holds you captive from completing anything. Imagine a loss of control over your life. That’s anxiety. That’s depression.

(I cannot speak for any other illness as I do not go through them- this is only what i experience personally)

Just be there for someone. You don’t have to “get it”. You just have to be a shoulder- an encourager. That’s all. It can be debilitating enough as it is having these issues- don’t add onto it by feeling a sense of rank because you don’t experience the same.

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“Saying ‘yes’ to happiness means learning to say ‘no’ to things that stress you out.”

— Unknown

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“You don’t know why you’re exhausted? You’re fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that’s not exhausting, I don’t know what is.”

— Unknown

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“To heal a wound you need to stop touching it.”

— Unknown

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“I knew it wasn’t too important, but it made me sad anyway.”

— J.D. Salinger // The Catcher in the Rye

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This is something I’m still learning! I wish words didn’t hurt me so badly. I allow others to have power over me with the silliest comments.

[kleiner2296-blog]

You are enough. (at Los Angeles, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnCbTYjDE5v/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=93oritxs41tw

[kleiner2296-blog]

Self love is important!

A lot of times I have so much insecurities about who I am, and what I look like, and it leads to having no confidence in everyday aspects of my life. At the beginning of the year, I vowed to make a change, and start learning how to love myself!

Some awesome things that have helped me on this journey:

1. Wearing less makeup more often!

2. Wash my face every single night!! Make it habit!

3. Deep condition my hair more regularly! :)

4. Shave more! Don’t be lazy! It boosts your ego when you don’t have unwanted body hair when you try to wear your cutest shorts!

5. Affirmations!! “I AM BEAUTIFUL” “I AM A GOOD MOM”

6. Buy yourself something new! Sometimes something as simple as a hat makes all the difference in the world! Doesn’t have to be fancy! Just something you feel cute in!

7. Smile more! No, seriously! Smiling helps send signals to your brain and releases endorphins that make you happy!! :)

8. Do something you enjoy! For me, it’s reading!

9. Find the joys in everything! Even if something isn’t going your way, make it a positive thing!

10. Love yourself before anyone else! Be selfish occasionally! it’s really okay!!

11. do a photo shoot for yourself! Doesn’t have to be a professional one! The pictures i’ve attached are from my phone! and still so fun!

[kleiner2296-blog]

it’s easiest to just be the bigger person, and walk away. focus on you, because in the end, you’re all you have.

[kleiner2296-blog]

Today was a hard day.

Today was a hard day. Some days are just like that. It’s just part of how life works, but with anxiety, it can make it almost too overwhelming.

That’s the thing that upsets me most about anxiety. There’s a level of frustration with myself most days because it’s so silly. Anxiety makes no sense and it’s irrational.

It doesn’t have to be anything big that throws you into that mental place. It could literally be too many people in one room, or too many sounds, or it could be having to drive to a different place you’ve never been before all by yourself. It could be someone else’s tension causing it. Shoot, it could even just be something as silly as having to call someone to make an appointment.

It could literally be anything. and it shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be that throat closing, chest tightening feeling. it shouldn’t be sweaty palms and heightened emotions. It shouldn’t be stomach turning, hand-shakingly terrifying to do everyday things.

Nothing makes me feel more small than my own brain, not being able to function like a “normal” person’s brain. My flight or fight response acts up when there’s nothing to be protected from in the first place. It’s frustrating when you see and hear people say things like “It’s time to grow up” or “You’re lazy” when all you want is to be able to not have this crazy panicky feeling over simple things. All i want is to be “Grown up” too. But this, illness or whatever makes it 10x harder.

And the worst part of all, is that nobody gets it. Because it’s silly. and irrational.

So today was a bad day, and I just am exhausted. it really was a day full of a predator vs prey game- and it wasn’t fun.

[kleiner2296-blog]

Love languages! :

My love language is words of affirmation.

This is important. Because I just don’t communicate in other languages very well. So, when there are people in my lives that are trying to buy off my love, I just find it completely offputting. When someone says “You mean so much to me”, I’m completely into the relationship. My husband has said things to me from middle school that I will just always cherish because they just made me feel awesome! But on the flip side I also have a tendency to hold onto the negative ones too! This has been something I have to train my brain to “forgive” and “forget”.

My last love language is Gift giving.

YOU CANNOT BUY MY LOVE.

There is no gift in this world, no amount of money, no materialistic item that you could give me that will make me feel loved and respected.

My second (2nd highest score) love language is Acts of service. I appreciate people lending a hand *within the boundaries* and offering to help me do something. To me that’s super meaningful. I love when my hubby comes home and says “Let me help you fold this laundry” or “Let me take carter for a little so you can go work on vinyls”. It means more than he will ever know.

All the rest kind of fall in the middle and at the end. I don’t really respond to them as well as WOA and AOS.

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Let go of the past

Tonight draw a line behind you with your hand , foot , chalk , or your imagination . Leave the past at that line , and visualize letting it go

[kleiner2296-blog]

You cannot take care of anyone else if you aren’t taken care of FIRST. 👍🏻