#haven’t been lai since
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I’m a Citi-sin
I a citisen
I’m a citizen
My texts should be personal
#wrapbymm#wordsbymm#connecting#pourbymm#mmybsdrow#wordsbymm||mmybsdrow#letspin#grab a fan#flick that click#or suck overwhelming#heeeee#she#she he was near both#and some people scare me#in the poverty trenches#you slammed that clam#and lived to tell#artcalledwrap#artcalledwords & blogs#how did it smell#olfactory#kinda pred kinda prey some wanted preg#I was a man after 50#haven’t been lai since#laid fucking Tumblr#a while ago really#but when you add#focus old man#I’ve never been in an absence
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it’s my first full day back in my apartment since surgery and honestly proud of the two (2) tasks i accomplished today
#folded the laundry that had been sitting there since i left#and put away all the not dirty but worn clothes laying around#i still haven’t tackled unpacking my bags 😅#bork bork!#maybe send good vibes or encouragement to get the rest of my little tasks completed#still need to do laundry and unpack
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there’s just smth to be said abt being so scared of being left alive but incapacitated in a way that reminds you of the single most traumatic incident of your life so far that the only way out you clearly see in the moment is to disregard all pretenses of morals and try to forcibly control the person attacking you to brutally murder you for no other reason than needing to not end up in their clutches again 🤷🏼♀️ the girlies that get it get it !!
#gideon shut the hell up challenge#keeping up with the beckers#yes this is abt the f/r fight no we haven’t stopped thinking abt it since the first post#how do you think river feels. to once again be connected w fawn and feel that same fear and desperation clawing at the connection#the same way it was doing when they last saw each other as they lay broken on the sidewalk ?? just asking#fawn who has always put so much emphasis on river having a choice abt untying their threads bc they know that he doesn’t follow orders#the same way that they do !!! who has never expected him to obey anything he isn’t comfortable with !!! who is now taking that choice away#how do you forgive your sibling for demanding you to kill them? how do you forgive your brother for refusing to let you die?#morning edit: how do u reconcile the fact that yes your sibling is paranoid and fearful the same way that they have always been but for one#brief moment You were the cause of that fear !!!! cannot imagine how Vile it must feel to be compared to both hb And the farm#esp for someone who has actually personally experienced both instead of like. some rando getting the memories via bleedover
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Me listening to any song with the mention of holy things, love, cigarettes and longing:
omg… is that…Vashwood…?
#anyways cigarette by offonoff is a song I really like#but I haven’t listened to it since a good while ago and as I was playing one of my playlists it came up and I went (⊙_⊙)#is that a Vashwood?#I love that song and now i tied it to my fixation. great#like I beg of you that you at least READ the lyrics and tell me to my face that it’s not the vibes#‘’this moment is forever. we even though each puff will take us further from together. she’ll have me until the very last drag”#and ”laying with you. I feel like moving clouds high in the sky. it’s been too long since I realized you’re real#you know maybe I am delusional and I fully embrace that#it’s the cigarette and love allegory for me babes#hahA anyways Vashwood#trigun#Vashwood
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possibly an unpopular opinion but i feel like sjm’s writing/plotting have gone downhill, which is disappointing bc i enjoyed tog so much. i actually did like the first 4 acotar books and hoeab, but her most recent work feels like she’s trying to do too much with the maasverse and it’s not well thought out (i had so many issues with the larger world plot elements of acosf and the regression on bryce’s character arc in hosab…). it feels like as she’s gotten more and more popular, whoever her current editor is doesn’t do a good job at making her ideas work best for the overall story. i’m disappointed bc the premises have so much potential but haven’t lived up to it to me :/
send me your unpopular opinions and i’ll either let you in or not
#i haven’t read hosab but i fullyyyyy agree#people have been hoping for a crossover since acotar1 came out and i’ve been so against it since the beginning#like … i just. … :/#the very concept of a crossover stems from the fact that her universes are all nearly indistinguishably similar#and i don’t know how much of that was originally intentional (my guess is zero lol)#so to see her now doing a whole sjmcu thing is … sigh.#personally i think she does this a lot — where she pulls a late-game move and acts like she was laying the groundwork all along#when ‘the grohndwork’ was actually just inconsistencies and plot holes that she capitalized on later jfkfkdkd#groundwork*** lol i can’t type today#that’s how i feel about mor/az and stay w the high lord and dorian’s dad having no name and so many other things fjfkdk#i agree w you for sure but honestly i think the lack of planning hit its peak in like 2018 and it’s been a battle since then lol#anon#asked and answered#hot takes#acotar#anti sjm#(tagging for peoples filters so i don’t get yelled at 😵💫)
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Absolutely no motivation to unpack my apartment after the past week I’ve had and I’m trying not to be so tough on myself but I’m still sleeping on my mattress on my floor and living out of my suitcase and I’m just starting to feel so disorganized and icky which I know won’t go away until I unpack
#I’ve been trying to get a few little things done here and there after work but I’ve been so fucking dead#I slept almost all day Monday when I had work off#then I had an appointment with my psychiatrist after work yesterday#which I had to do in a park on my phone since my wifi isn’t set up in my apartment yet and I have no service in there either#and I have to leave work early for another doctors appointment today#and then therapy tonight#and I really need to pick some prescriptions up that I’m completely out of but haven’t had time to before the pharmacy closes#and I desperately need to do laundry but my new apartment only takes coins for laundry and the bank is always close before I get out of work#all on top of so many other things happening in my life rn#I just feel like a damn mess#I want to lay in bed with someone to keep me company while they play with my hair and we watch happy comfort movies
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recovering from body deterioration from being ill is so nuts. my body makes so much lactic acid rn and if i hold my hand the wrong way while i scroll my thumb starts to shake
#marzi speaks#my thighs are weak as shit too. i have a hard time lifting my legs because of it#also i am so underweight rn it kinda scares me#i’ve always been Little (fast metabolism) but i haven’t been under 100lbs since i was like 13. i don’t like it#i’m eating as much as i comfortably can so my body can build it back up but. golly#rn it’s literally like. i start my day with low pain. it’s present but not that bad#i go about my day and hobble around the house. rn i can do maybe one small outing per day#i lay down and rest in between#by the end of the day my legs are sore as shit#i go to bed and my body heals a bit in my sleep#rinse and repeat#it’s wild. and i just have to keep doing it until it stops hurting#and then slowly introduce more activity to rebuild the muscle mass
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Feel free to skip on past this, I’ve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didn’t know how to interact with them? I didn’t know what to say to them bc I don’t know what I needed to hear back then, what I would’ve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldn’t let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didn’t know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didn’t know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still don’t even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I don’t think I’ve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. I’ve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe it’s not the best now, or even that great at all, but it’s better. I wish I could’ve told them but I don’t think they’d have wanted to hear it anyway
#im a rambling sam#I’m in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work#idk maybe I’ve been in a weird place all year probably#I don’t think I’m that far from where I was at that age but I know I am there’s just still so much further to go#one day I think it’ll feel easier but maybe not today#I do love working w kids but I’m considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I don’t know if I can handle this#I can#but god I don’t know#in my heart I’m still that exact kid and she’s still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it#just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here#but by the time I’ve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I#I don’t know how to step into it#sorry sorry I’m still rambling I’m having a weird day I probably just haven’t eaten nearly enough in the last few days and I’m about to#start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I can’t stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think#we probably would’ve gotten along#but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp#idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but there’s still a mute child in your ribcage#little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window#I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time#when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked#and I’d talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me#and now I’m here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head#now I’m the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest#when I talk to myself I’m talking to her#I’m giving her the assurance she needed back then#the assurance I still need now#I am here for her so I am here for myself#this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe it’s time for bed
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Uh oh sisters! Turns out the body keeps the score
#who could’ve predicted this#every year I forget what October means#I forget what memories are lurking just beneath the surface#and it manifests in an array of ways as my body tries to communicate to my brain that this is The Bad Time#last year it was a horrific pain flare up#the year before it was a depressive episode#and this year it’s a dissociative episode#including the worst dissociative spell I’ve ever experienced while I was laying in bed on Friday#and I haven’t been able to think of words or form memories or pay attention to shows and books#and finally I was like ‘why is this happening? what’s causing this?’#and I remembered#and now I can’t unremember and I’m stuck with the memories again#it’s officially been ten years since those fuckers carved out the last good pieces of me#cheers to a decade of trying to forget 🥂
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won’t lie, experiencing some horrors
#just cried uncontrollably for like 20 mins#cried like 3 times yesterday too#i have no energy for like anything rn.. went to buy new glasses today tried on 15 pairs hated them all and then went back to my car#and cried because i really need new glasses since i fucked up my current pair and they don’t sit right now and dig into my face#tw death . my grandma passed away while i was flying home from canada#and it sucks because everyone got to be with her and say goodbye but i didn’t#and there’s a viewing tomorrow and my dad thinks i should go since it will be my last chance to see her but i don’t want to#i get that it’s a healing way to say goodbye for some people but i don’t want to see my oma lifeless#i know i’ll never get to see her again and that fucking sucks but she’s gone and i don’t want to see her like that#plus i have work and i already called in sick 2 days i don’t want to leave them short again even if it’s understandable#anyway the funeral is on tuesday at least i have the day off already and don’t have to worry about work#everything sucks soooooo fucking bad rn i won’t lie i’m not doing too great#and i miss el so much like i would kill to be able to hug my gf right now#their mom sent me a video today of them laying on the couch with their parents cat cuz they visited for father’s day#and i’ve cried twice while watching it…#argh. anyway. going to go watch a silly little video of some sort and maybe sleep early cause i haven’t been sleeping well#it’ll be ok 🧡#p
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Who was gonna tell me that reading is fun sometimes
#I will bring shame to my eight year old self NO MORE!!!! I LIKE READING AGAIN!! YIPPEE!!!#I think I seriously enjoy reading about the brain and body and trauma like it’s so strange to spend two hours laying in bed with a book but#it’s so nice#I really enjoyed science growing up even into high school I just didn’t have the patience or motivation to finish essays#and my freshman year science teacher got fired halfway thru the year after they found out she didn’t have a teaching license and then my#class got split up into an advanced science teachers class who was way ahead of everything we had learned and then I hated the class and#science in general then in sophomore year I had another shitty teacher who didn’t care about teaching and I literally would find recourses#and send them to the teacher to put on the projector and then I would talk thru the resource that’s fucking real I literally had class#periods where I TAUGHT my sophomore year science class. GAHHHH I still get so bad at that fucking teacher I don’t even remember her name but#she pissed me off so bad cause she paired me with the two guys who always made fun of me just bc I was smart and they were annoying. anyways#depression and adhd and boredom happened and I almost failed that class but still passed in the end and then in junior year during covid#I was taking a biology class and an anatomy class that was supposed to be seniors (seniors did the advanced class and they offered regular#class to select juniors) and I ended up being the ONLY junior who wasn’t doing the advanced course. like. everyone else got assignments and#I had to ask hey what’s the easy version of that assignment cause I’m technically in the easy class even tho we’re in the same class period#and then Covid and I stopped caring at all about anhthing and then dropped out of school and moved down the entire coast so yknow.#I never stood a chance at being good at science but I’m realizing I might actually be passionate about it cause I have been since I was#little I just kind of ignored it and forgot but like. for one birthday I got a telescope and for one Christmas I got a microscope. like it’s#well known to everyone but me that I like science apparently oh my god what’s wrong with my brain !!!! anyways.#I like science now it’s weird to feel passionate about learning I haven’t done that in a long time#oh my god when I took my GED test my highest score was in SCIENCE AND NOT ENGLISH#THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS I LOVE SCIENCE WHY AM I NOT DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE RELATED TO SCIENCE
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my brother is being so weird like leave me out of it !!!! i mean he’s having an emotional breakdown or smthg idk but why’s he bringing it to ME !!!! take it to SOMEONE ELSE mr. MONEYBAGS !!!! what do u want from ME !!!! take ur own advice & ‘get over it’ !!!
#diary#like ‘it’s all in ur head !!!’ like yea buddy now u don’t like that it’s in URS huh#wish i cared !#go DRINK ALONE like an ADULT#or do other DRUGS#like sorry i’m spending all my money on drugs & i love it#not him going ‘i love u’ ‘i’m happy that we’re siblings’ girl STOPPPP the DRAMAAA#shut the fuck up !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m not payed enough for this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!#he’s like ‘wow work is so tough’ bro u play video games for 6 of the 8 hours u are on the clock#what do u WANT FROM ME !!!!!!!!#i’ve been live typing this since he’s come to bother me#‘do u ever overthink’ what are we 12 i swear to god if he doesn’t threaten to kill himself im going to put my head through a wall ur a grown#he keeps talking abt ‘when u used to go to therapy’ like yea when i went to therapy after telling our father that he was the reason i kept#wanting to kill myself#like nearly 10 years ago & haven’t been back since like 2018 😭😭😭#like if u want to go to therapy do it on ur OWN TIME#bro it’s been like 20 minutes i’m so fucking mad i was going to rest by eyes for 45 minutes before showering but he’s eating up like half of#it & i still have to fucking shower#i’m fumin#the way i’m just laying on the couch silently minding my own business full resting bitch face staring at my phone while he sits on the stool#w his head in his hands like girl get a GRIP#go do this BY URSELF ALONE IN UR ROOM#LIKE EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE IN THIS WORLD#like oh my GOD#if i can do this ??? if i can unhealthily stuff my emotions in myself while relying solely on nicotine caffeine & thc constantly so i can’t#focus on anything in my head :3c#SO CAN U !!!!!#develop REAL addictions douche bag !!!!!#the way he’s saved this shit to pull for MY spring break like ok#so i just can’t fucking enjoy anytbing
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i’ve been on t for almost three years, so imagine my surprise when i suddenly experience the miracle of ✨menstruation✨
honestly i forgot i could do that
#i haven’t had an actual period in five years so i’ve been forgetting that’s possible i think#so i have nothing to use to deal with it!!#apparently i haven’t done my shot since before my cold#so it’s been almost a month#oops!#i’ve been read as masc/male so much lately that i guess i forgot about…the egg laying#but i will never be amab which is fine and i’m not angry or jealous or deeply and eternally upset by that!!!
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I have given so much love to people And so much of it has failed
#laying in Ds bed right now feeling insane#feeling like I did when I was 18 but also like how I felt this summer#like actuallg feeling feelings#this life I’ve been living feels so fucking stupid and small#I. was born to have big feelings and big pull#I still am probably partially in love with the same girl I’ve love d for years#I haven’t laughed hard since summer#that’s no one’s fault but my own stiffness though#it’s like the stronger me has come back in ghost form#what the fuck is this#so much shif broken and lying about#so many people so many places to avoid#fuck this shif#I’m not fucking having it#how do I fix fhese things? or do i leave them to die?#*
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I haven’t been going to bed early enough which means I haven’t been able to get up and go to the gym which means I’m twice as exhausted and also a ball of anxiety and have 0 ability to think or complete tasks which is a problem because my whole job is thinking through tasks
#mine#text post#posts about nothing for no one#I’m literally struggling to edit a 2 page NDA as if I haven’t been doing that since I was an intern#someone got snippy with me over teams and I was like. ready to go lay in traffic
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listening to ghost and soap infamous “are you ugly?” conversation and not being able to stop thinking about what ghost meant by “quite the opposite”
you’re used to having him wearing his mask even whenever you two escape to blow off some steam, but since that day you’ve been building up some courage to ask the same thing soap tried to.
“take it off” you murmur with your lips inches away from his mask while setting a pace riding him.
Ghost, who was spread out on the couch raised his head, “y’r gettin’ spoiled, brat. last week was a kiss now you want my whole face?” he gives your ass a mean slap.
“’s not fair” you pout, whilst you are completely naked every time, simon only removes his shirt when you beg, maybe lowers his pants down to his ankles instead of just enough to let out his cock, but that’s it.
“Aight, want me to lose the mask?” he takes your black shirt, folding it sloppily until it’s narrow then he puts around your eyes tying on the back of your head.
“simon! no!” you raise your hands to undo it, he’s faster though, taking both your wrists and holding in the air. you hear some fumbling and suddenly your palms are being tickled by a stubble, you gasp realizing under your hands is ghost’s uncovered face.
“keep ridin’” he demands, adjusting his body to lay lower and thrusting you from bellow as a reminder he’s still inside.
you bite your lips, needing to put a hand on his chest as support, your other hand explores his face trying to paint a mental image of him.
his jawline is sharp, a few uneven parts along his skin, probably scars, there’s more hair on his chin than the rest of his jaw and to imagine simon with a blond goatee make you clench.
“shit” he curses tightening the grip on your hips, “what’re you so excited ‘bout, private? huh?” he pinches your nipple. you run your fingertips on his bottom lip, it’s thin and he could use some lip balm, but the excitement about touching him in such a intimate way gives you hope to one day convince him to let you apply lip balm on his lips, “behave” he growls.
“‘m behaving, sir” you smile sheepishly forgetting he can actually see your face. ghost takes your hand, making you close it and leaving just your index up. under the improvised blindfold you frown, next his lips are wrapping around your finger and his tongue is under your digit.
your clit throbs, not expecting this from your lieutenant.
“fuck, Lt.” you arch your back, approaching your orgasm.
“faster” both his hands are gripping your ass, he groans and you feel the vibration on your finger. you obey as one does, slapping your ass on his mighty thighs, as he sucks your finger, even letting some saliva run down your palm.
“si-mon ‘m close” you lose yourself on the sensation, seeing nothing makes you more aware of the stretch his cock gives you, not to mention the sounds your lieutenant is trying to hold. with one last suck he removes your finger, moving it to your own clit, where he presses it on your bud.
“cum then” you’re so close, but that’s one thing you still want.
“can i kiss you?” you edge yourself waiting for his answer, he sighs and you take it as a negative response, but his other hand leaves your ass as he guides your face to his where his lips awaited yours, he immediately pushes his tongue in, that’s merely your second kiss and you’re already coming.
“louder, i think the terrorists haven’t heard ya” he teases when you moan a high pitched note.
“fuck you, sir” you’re still riding him intensely, knowing he’s close too. he bites your lip, forcing your hips up and down faster and groaning as he fills your insides.
by the time you remove the blindfold, his mask is back on and you sigh in defeat, moving away from his lap and getting one last spank.
“goatee” you whisper in soap’s ear as he is about to eat his morning scrambled eggs.
“wut?” he turns to you.
“he has a goatee” you wink and leave to get your own breakfast. poor johnny is still processing what was said when ghost enters the room, later than usual.
soap drops his fork.
#cod fanfic#simon riley x reader#ghost x you#ghost x reader#cod x you#cod x reader#cod smut#simon riley smut
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