#guess what they didnt work either
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Why are there always new symptoms showing up?? I just want a fucking break ;-;
#hello and on todays episode of wtf is wrong with resident hypochondriac opossum#i think maybe im extremely dehydrated and cant absorb fluids properly from drinking them (i think this for a variety of reasons)#and its starting to become very concerning and i think i need iv fluids like asap but i have no insurance#and also if i did theyd think i was crazy and not treat me condescend me and possible even admit me to inpatient msntal health#also having severe pain in my throat spreading to my skull that feels like someone jabbing me from the inside#which could be a sign of a compressed nerve so that fun /s#jesus christ im so tired i need a break i need this to stop#the pain alone is making me dizzy#and making me sweat which is dehydrating me more#ive tried everything i can think of and nothings working#i drink plenty ive cut out caffiene before i drink electrolyte drinks i make sure i eat enough salt etc etc#and its NEVER enough#oh yeah cant forget the compression socks and two different meds i tried to help me not pass put#guess what they didnt work either#and now im worried that my dehydration might be causing my hallucinations because they arent typical for psychosis#and maybe even my seizures which is really really bad#like i could go into a coma and die if i continue this way bad#but like that cant possibly be whats going on right? surely im just exaggerating because of anxiety#theres no way itd be that bad#my gf is basically a doctor and she would've done something by now if it was that bad#but hhh#why do i feel like this#why else do my hallucinations get worse whenever i sweat or exercise#why else do i have an extremely fast heart rate and fainting and im thirsty all the time but the second i drink i have to go pee already
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Ok I Am enjoying getting to see Neji's teammates react to this. Especially Lee, who's fuckin wrecked by this. Wish we got more reaction from Tenten, but by this point I can't be surprised at Kishimoto not giving proper depth to the girls.
This part tho,
LEE... YOUR HAND... YOUR HAND TOOK HIS EYEBROWS AWAY... GIVE THEM BACK..!!!!!!!
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#burned them off with naruto's chakra cloak i guess hfkshfkabfkahkcbd#actually so much is happening rn it's kind of insane. also sasuke is just in konoha with orochimaru??? they just waltzed right in#which is so funny all things considered.#and we got to hear shikaku and inoichi's last words to shikamaru and ino. which is sweet. inoichi's is all sweet at least#but shikaku what do you MEAN you interrupted your last words to your wife for that!??!?!#to tell shikamaru to hide smth from a box in storage?!?!? no actual words for your wife?!?!?!#inoichi didnt pass words on for his wife either but at least he didnt start like he was Going to b4 saying to hide smth from her#like man kishimoto manages to communicate misogyny in like a million different ways in this goddamn show 😭😭😭😭#but at least inoichi's words to ino were normal. a father telling his daughter hes proud of her for her strength of spirit etc etc#also lol at shikaku essentially telling shikamaru that if this plan doesnt work. well youre in charge!!!!#bc the 5 kage are off Wherever (left dying but tsunade was doing smth. but we didnt see what. also she was fucking bisected????)#(kishimoto back up what the fuck happened with tsunade actually. its been like 30 episodes since then. What Did You Do To My Wife.)#so yeah shikamaru's smart as hell and hes 16 and practically in charge of an army. nothing could possibly go wrong here.#and here i am with eyebrowless neji on my screen still. what is this anime. im losing my mind.
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sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-
not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better
honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of
#ganondoodles talks#personal#sorry today is a bit of a brain fart day#got a headache and have wasted the entire time until now (5pm) with watching old analysis videos i have watched 5 times already#and crying over undertales music#how much could i get done if i didnt have to deal with thought trains going 200 above speed limit#also didnt mean to sound mean to people who like the things i deem cringy#BC I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIGN ABOUT 90% OF THE TIME#I DONT KNOW IF ITS GOOD maybe it is#my judgement of my own stuff is pretty random#.... maybe thats why i can work with fanstuff that adheres to lore better#bc it sets limits for me#it gives me options of rails to derail onto without falling straight into the woods#idk if that made sense either#... i need to start drinking more#(and i guess by calling some of my stuff cringe bc i am entirely unsure of its quality im trying to make myself smaller than i am)#(so if it turns out to be actually bad- im more safe from ridicule since LOOK I AM SELF AWARE)#and there i go letting my thoughts spin further#maybe ill delete both of these posts tomorrow when i realize how dumb this is to say in the first place
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zelda is done. so dirty sometimes
#like. either A her things are attributed to link (ive seen a comic where rhoam scolding zelda for her failures was made to be a comic about#link and like. he wasnt even talking to him!!!!!!!!! theres other ways you can show that and other ways that include rhoam considering he w#as on the great plateau but They Didnt??? and also silent princesses and such but thats a ship thing i think?#or B they blame her for things that literally were not her fault and she couldnt do anything about#(seen someone in a theory video blame zelda for everyone dying because ‘link using the shekiah slate would open the shrines. is she stupid’#paraphrasing but that was the gist. shrines dont even work that way theyre just Wrong#or sometimes shes made out to be stupid in general#like listen. im not a zelda character fan. i dont love her and i dont hate her. but Come On#you dont have to be obsessed with her or even focus on her in what you make just . Respect her i guess#it feels weird to say because shes a character. however i dont know how else to say it
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Spoilers, maybe? Not for TYBW but for OG.
Anyways.
I haven't seen the episode yet, but I've seen the screen shots and panels. The thought of him dying is deeply upsetting. He's been my favorite since I started watching Bleach.
Just... what if he succeeded? What if Gin was successful?
#bleach#gin ichimaru#rangiku matsumoto#sosuke aizen#I'm finally working my way through bleach because someone's death was something i didnt want to accept#consequently#i learned about another favorite's death#and i dont want to see either#what if#gin lived#or#juushiro lived#spoilers? i guess?#probably should have put that first but#idk hopefully anyone looking at these tags either knows or hates Gin at least
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My unpopular bg3 opinion is they tried way too hard to make some of these characters mean and flippant which is meant to make the player more interested in them and clearly this has worked on many (good for you !) but personally i could not care less. If 80% of what a character has to say to me is bitchy i will simply leave them at camp for most of the game
#Is this a skill issue of mine yeah maybe. I just find it annoying#At best and off-putting at worst like is there no better way to show that shadowheart is going through stuff/have her be mean that isnt#Her getting pissy that you have respect for a bunch of dead slaves#That was wild. I didnt ask her either she just had the need to let me know she thinks these slaves aint shit bc they didnt fight back#Thanks larian!#Wild take maybe idk but i dont think that makes her interesting i think it makes her off-putting. In this case#I generally like shadowheart this just sure is a thing to have her say. And not give the player an option to respond in any way#Ill get over this single line but im mad now. This isn't the only instance of this#I guess both larian and bioware think that characters thinking slavery is kinda ok is not a deal breaker#Txt#I know that these characters soften during the game. I have played a fair amount of it. I did shadowhearts quest i know whats up. Still#In both her and astarions case i think theyre written to have some wild takes on whats Ok to do that get kinda swept under the rug#if you manage to shove them in a Good direction. But u dont. Actively see them grapple with any of it#They just suddenly go wow im better now. Yay. I suddenly dont want to enslave other people for my power (in astarions case)#Like this switch flipped bc of my one roll? Idk. Im not super convinced#I know this is how the game works. I just think it could have been written better
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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Oh god why the physical discomfort is happening again. Why is it so tiring to walk or do anything. No matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired. I manage my diabetes well. Why does my body just make existing feel bad.
#I don't fuckong know who i am.#im so fucking tired#diabetes management#I guess#Woo hoo. I have a rare condition that I can't find shit about anywhere#And I have to convince fucking doctors that I know what I was diagnosed with as a child#No its not type 1. No its not type 2 either for fucks sake#Yes its chronic. No my fucking eating habits didn't cause my body to not work#Yes I am sure can you shut the fuck up about eating habits#No seriously fucking stop#I don't give a shit if you think that I could've prevented the chronic illness that is literally a GENETIC MUTATION FOR FUCKS SAKE#MY FUCKING EATING HABITS DIDNT DO SHIT TO CAUSE THIS.#WHAT VOULDVE CAUSED IT WAS MAYBE ALL THE CRAZY FUCK8NG STRESS I WENT THROUGH AS A CHILD. AND THE TRAUMA. AND THE FACT THAT DIABETES RUNS IN#MY FUCKING FAMOLY#why am i so angry#I hate feeling so bad#I just wanna colapse in bed and sleep#Im so fucking tired but I can't even blame it on diabetes management#Im getting enough sleep#I think#I didn't stay up last night#Why am I so tired#I just want to feel ok#I can't have caffine because my parents won't let me#Im just so fucking tired.#What the fuuuck
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me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money
me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend
#i want a corn dog so bad rn#ngl u guys im actually really struggling with turning 30 at the end of the year lmao#not lmao bc it really is bothering me which is so stupid i know I Know#but. and i know we're All struggling with this. but it's like god i have done nothing with my life#like fr. everyone says that but i literally have done nothing. ive never had a real 9-5 ive been freelancing since college#and tbh i guess that's not a bad thing? but self worth wise i feel like a complete loser.#but ive just made one mistake after another and i know that's what your 20s are for and u know what this is my tags and im not going#to keep contradicting myself i feel like shit bc i feel like shit and ive wasted my whole life thats that#i just feel like such a sham like i cant believe this is what 30 is like i on god feel like im still a teenager#not in a carefree kind of way OBVIOUSLY. which i never was anyway. but i just ?? feel like that#scary fucking episode of rugrats where tommy and chuckie become their dads and they go to work and theyre so fucked up bc#well theyre babies and they dont know anything. and even the fact that i just referenced rugrats to explain how i feel lmaooooo#relationship wise well u guys know how that is. and i truly couldnt care less about what people think about me not being in a relationship#ever and tbqh i dont give a fuck anymore either like. and here i go bringing this up again. but after my ex im like ok life truly is so#short fr i dont even care like anyway. anyway. the point is there is just no reality whatsoever where i pictured my life where i am now#once again living with the abusive relative i moved across the ocean to get away from.#no love life to speak of. fr dont care but god wouldnt it be nice to be loved fr.....#no career. living in a state i hate with all my heart. barely surviving money wise. which is everyone rn but#if i had known 10 years ago this would be my life i would have honestly killed myself.#like if i knew it would all turn out like this i wouldnt have moved i wouldve just fr killed myself and i wish i did lol#to be fair. i didnt see myself living past 18 but like. i just thought something would have saved me by now
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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!
It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.
Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)
Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-
#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense#guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that#maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days#just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow#vent#transphobia#speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it#and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems#i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare#(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time#especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name#the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name#and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont#sexism at its finest#reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name#ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else#its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it#but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender#prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car#id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong#Cori.exe#Post.exe#fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori#literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications#transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon
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had an amazing interview yesterday.... was told I'd know by Monday.... but it's alleged they DRUG TEST and I just bought 6 packs of weed edibles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#AND!!!!! AND!!!!!! IVE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!#i guess ill know monday if i can get high that night or tuesday but like.... i want to have one now lmao#like.... the paper i signed was more worried about being drunk on the jo#and OBVIOUSLY i wouldnt show up to my folder customer service job high off my ass..... but that thc can stay in your system for awhilw#i had one last nigbt tk celebrate the interview so idk if im even in the clear to begin with#and like.... i told them my start date would ve the 20th & im out of town vefore that so the goal is like.... they go to achedule#and we have to schedule it way out so i have time to like.....not worry & get my pee clean#like.... it wouldnt matter so much if my parents werent LEAVING this E N T I R E week... like.... this is MY vacatioj too!!!!!#and i just bought it after a horrid week 😭😭😭😭😭 worked my ass of it for it in order to relax this week#like#i know i shouldnt be dependent on it and im really trying not to ve#but the anti-anxiety relaxing of it all helps so much#and im reeeeeally not the biggest fan of drinking....i pee too much 😭😭😭😭😭 ironically 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like.... at this point.... its like..... do i care about getting this job more than i care about letting my brain and body relax this week#i always put myself first & listen to my heart & soul to dictate what to do#but my mind just keeps thinking about getting that failed drug test back and going back to the job hunt#but im still IN the job hi t#*hunt#AND HERES THE THING!!!! walking around that damn office.... seeing what people were wearing.....#its professional but i know damn well theres people in there smoking weed#like.... 25 of the 50 employees i saw showed up in casual loungepants these people are not prestigious#and like.... the paper i signed.... they didnt even edit to include the company name????#it kept saying “the Company will not like you to drink on the clock and assumes you will not get behind company vechiles drunk either”#like.... tooooootally understandable i just wanna eat some edibles before im an official employee of your folder business my loves#let me have a 50mg and zone out for the night while im finally free from all these losers..... PLEASE#anyways......personal problems that my brain needs to expel so it doesnt tumble all around for the next few houes#WHILE I DOORDASH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck me#like..... i got this interview through indeed ill just keep going till i cant if it fails
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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Jinbe shielding robin from the wreckage I know that's right
#also i understand the animation style changes but luccis face was so jarring lmao#the sanji phim orders hierarchy lmao#STUSSY WHAT THE FUCK???? VAMPIRISM?? CLONE??? OF A ROCKS PIRATE??? AND SHE DOESNT WORK FOR THE CP0 OR???#either she works for vegapunk in hiding or she is infiltrating for the government (idk why because they control the cp0 but you can never be#too sure i guess)#okay yeah sure what the hell#i guess this is why she is new and califa didnt get a raise also lmao#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1104#also she was in wci too.... has the gov somehow put her in a one woman task force for the strawhats.... or what is going on#because maybe the gov doesnt trust the cp0?? but why create it then??? idk man#why cant lucci and kaku find out about what she is goong to do. are they not accomplished enough or where they just a tool for her....#so many questions
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gonna be honest I see anyone talking about this "my gender is more complicated than yours" shit as someone who genuinely cannot comprehend that other people that don't share certain traits with them can still in fact have rich interior lives. as an agender trans woman who uses she/her I've never had anyone say it to me who wasn't (usually unknowingly) transmisogynistic
see but im not talking about "rich interior lives" and the assumption that i am is exactly what im talking about. i am talking about the actual physical way that reality treats and percieves me in comparison to the way it treats and percieves you. saying my gender is "more complex" means to me that i am physically incapable of existing in a strictly binary world and that there is no thing i can pass as bc "binary man" and "binary woman" are both incorrect for me. and the Cisiety in question does not allow androgyny to exist - it is exclusively the timeframe people have to decide whether they think you are a cisman or a ciswoman, or a failure and a freak. i dont subscribe to that "binary privilege" shit, thats not how privilege works. but there are differences in the ways both you and i can navigate this strictly binary Cisiety!!! and those differences deserve to be named, imo
like. again. i dont have to comfort you about your own internal sense of gender before youll listen to me about my experiences in the real world as genderqueer. as a different sort of transsexual than you.
(and bc i Know what binary ppl love to say: i know not everyone is 'capable of passing'. what i am talking about specifically is the difference between being unable to pass as a cis woman or a cis man vs being unable to pass bc what i am does not exist AT ALL in a binary society, and both of those things are incorrect ans unattainable.)
(anyways if that language is too imperfect for you thats like fine but. its just confusing to me, i dont get why its hard to understand what we are talking about here. our experiences w our nonbinary genders are completely different! why do i have to discuss them like theyre the same?)
#do you consider yourself transfem first or agender first on an internal level?#do you feel like you are predominantly treated as a trans woman in your day to day? does that hurt the part of you that is agender?#< not trying to grill u or anything im genuinely curious#ive had similar convos w my transmasc and transfem nonbinary friends as well as like. my gnc binary trans friends#i am just curious bc. like i said 'binary' isnt a bad thing to be and frankly since u identify urself as agender ur not really the target a#dience here anyways?#the idea that theres no such thing as a binary trans person just#fundamentally misunderstands the extremely broad swathe of nonbinary experiences and treatments#my passing transmasc enby friends dont particularly feel touched by transphobia unless theyre clocked or unless our areas laws changed#but some DO feel like they r effected by exorsexism on a day to day by being assumed to be binary men and having the other parts of their i#entities erased#while others are completely comfortable being percieved as strictly men and moving through life strictly as men#which is sounds like. i would guess youd have a similar position since u exclusively use she/her?#like.. it sounds to me like your 'rich interior life' doesnt really have an outward effect on the way people percieve and treat you and the#way you react to it which is very different from my experience#binary doesnt mean your gender is 'simple' it just means that you are comfortable within a binary system even of you dont personally identi#y with it. and maybe this is a case of 'political identity vs personal identity'??#and all of this is FINE its just. literally every time i talk about my own unique positioning my transandrogyny or whatever gives me#people crawl out of the woodwork to tell me my experiences are not actually unique#do u see what my issue is? my own trans experiences are erased bc other people 'disagree' with . what. my perspective as an 'unaligned' enb#? when its like. literally none of us are gonna have the same needs or experiences as trans people#and if 'binary' works to show that you are fine and comfortable being percieved exclusively as a woman#and 'nonbinary' works to show i am not#i dont really see what the issue w using the word 'binary' is#like i said. its not a slur. its not a bad thing to be.#and tbh i think this insistence that 'unaligned' nonbinary ppls perspectives arent actually unique to binary or 'aligned' nonbinary ppls is#directly contributing to like. lateral bigotry coming from said 'unaligned' enbies. like if u put urself in my shoes for a second and u gre#up being constantly told you were either a cis invader who didnt actually have any trans experiences and that only people who want to 'full#transition' were REAL transsexuals then. youd be kinda jaded too right? and im sure you ARE kinda jaded lol.#anyways. sorry for rambling at you i dont have any more tags left lol
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Guess who fucked her wrists up during work because he refused to go on a single break because he felt like that's the only way to prove she's not useless since her autism stops her from doing anything a person his age "should" do
#its me. if you couldn't guess#i did that#i didnt do any actual damage to my wrists but they are in pain and i can already feel that its gonna get worse#and ill probably have an awful time trying to sleep because of it#and look.#i know that im not useless#i know that prople who have similar or bigger struggles aremt useless either#i dont believe that anyone's worth depends on having a job or being productive or whatever#i do know that#but sometimes even when you know something you dont feel it#yknow what i mean#and this blueberry plantation is the only job i can have right now#im not built for a dayjob but im able to work for a few hours with saplings every now and then#though that is. very physically tiring#which is also extra frustrating to me as a young person#because the other older ladies at the job always make me feel like im not allowed to be tired or in pain because im young#so i never say that im tired until im alone w my mom#and i want to prove that im not a useless parasite. i can do some work. so i might as well give my all#and dont take any breaks#im not trying to excuse hurting myself#but you know. its hard to think straight and respect myself sometimes#sometimes its easier to hurt myself in ways that make other people think good of me#im treating myself to some snacks now tho#gonna go buy myself some chips and smoke s cigarette and watch silly videos and play games and go to bed#and yes i know that being kind to myself after i was cruel to myself doesnt fix that#i shouldn't have the mindset of#yeah im being unnecessarily cruel to myself but at least im gonna reward myself later :)#but y'know what can you do#(go to therapy i should go to therapy)#bee buzz
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wth why would i suddenly not be able to watch a live stream on youtube? i dont think its an adblocker thing? i was watching a different live stream like 2 hours ago, i can watch regular videos and vods. but now when i bring up a stream it just goes gray and says "Your browser cant play this video". never seen this and having a hard time finding an answer online that is about a live stream, everything so far is for videos that dont work for anyone else either
#tried to bring it up on my tablet but that just didnt load the page at all like its not connected to the internet but it is#but i can watch the stream just fine on my phone on mobile firefox#weird. really really weird.#like i even had the tab up earlier while waiting for it to start. but then the extension to put tabs to sleep put it to sleep and#when i went back suddenly this is happening on all livestreams ive checked#opened in a different tab group and private mode. same problem#chat still works tho lol#maybe i'll try turning off the tab sleep ext?? hmm#my phone's at like 32% but also its after midnight so i probably wont watch the whole stream#(i say like i dont end up watching full streams everytime i go ''i'll just watch for a few minutes''#and also octavio is so adorable and funny and he's making a puppet that is already cursed)#anyway i'll either keep looking online or trying turning off that other extension or ill give up and just plug in my phone haha#eta: hey hey... guess..... guess what i did.... i watched that whole stream....#and then another hour long one after it..... this is why i didnt watch live streams for so long#i cant just watch ''for a few minutes''#then a few months ago i got sucked into the tempus rabbit hole and look where i am now#tanking my sleep schedule once again it is 3am -.-
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