#got outed without my permission to people it is necessary for me to live in proximity with by my overly supportive mother. a third time 👍

[hyliagirl42]

Okay, genuinely, literally, this mindset was the ONLY reason i graduated college.

It was the ONLY REASON.

I struggled to motivate myself to do my homework, regardless of deadline, regardless of how important it was to my grade, without someone in the room with me checking in occasionally to say "are you still working or are you on tumblr?"

I convinced one of my (similarly neurodivergent) roommates at the time to make me come do homework with her every evening, regardless of whether i wanted to at the time or not. I gave her permission to drag me out to the living room kicking and screaming if necessary. And then we sat on the couch, often with other roommates also doing homework, and we would all work. And after i was done, and showed her that it had been turned in and nothing else was due the next day, she would give me a popsicle that she kept in a mini fridge in her room, so i would only get them as a reqard for doing homework.

She did not propose any of that to me. I was the one who proposed that plan to her, because I know what Im like. If i dont wanna do a thing, i will hole up in my room and not come out. Even if i come out to do work, and yes having people in the room does help a lot even if they arent checking in with me, i can still occasionally have days where i say "i dont feel like doing xyz specific assignment today" and then i wont do it, so proving i had everything done to an unbiased outsider helped with that. And i would eat the popsicles till i had no rewards left for myself if it was left in the regular shared freezer we used

To neurotypicals, the above probably sounds really bad. It would sound lazy, it would sound like i have no desire to actually finish school. But i did! I really really desperately wanted to succeed in school. I just knew from experience that my own brain would be fighting me the entire way. So i decided i would no longer try to fight myself on it, and got help. And i succeeded! Im graduated now! I have a degree! Do what you need to do in order to succeed!!

The most valuable thing I learned doing a Masters degree with depression, anxiety and ADHD was to change my “things I’m bad at” list to “things I can’t do on my own.” Stop thinking of them as things I could do if I tried hard enough, and accept that I can’t accomplish them by effort and willpower alone; they’re genuine neurocognitive deficits, and if I need to do the thing, then just like a blind person reading or a mobility impaired person going up a storey in a building, I need to find a different method.

I’m “bad at” working on long-term projects without an imminent deadline or someone breathing down my neck? Okay, let’s change that: I can’t work on long-term projects without an imminent deadline and someone breathing down my neck. So let’s create an imminent deadline and recruit neck-breathers. Find a sympathetic prof who will agree that 3 weeks before the due date they expect me to show them my preliminary notes and bibliography. Get a friend I trust to block off an hour to sit with me and keep asking, “Are you working on your project?” Write a blog post about my progress. Arrange to trade papers and proofread them with another student.

Accept your limitations and learn to leverage them, instead of buying the neurotypical fairytale that they’ll go away if you just try hard enough.

[readymades2002]

ah lads not again

[notmorbid]

poor deer.

dialogue prompts from poor deer: a novel by claire oshetsky.

enough of your pretty lies. it's time to tell the truth.

here, the boundary between the practical and the supernatural is razor-thin.

stop stalling. it's time to confess what you did.

don't go far.

time for you to go home, then.

i'll be very sad if you go to a better place without me.

what an old stick in the mud you are.

you're the same liar you've always been.

what are you staring at? go.

didn't you ever come to bed?

a nap will do you good.

you are full of surprises.

time moves sideways, through the most important moments of our lives.

it's been so long since i met any new people.

i don't know how to behave, or where to put my eyes.

i admire your panache.

you haven't been out of this room all day, have you?

run away. run straight home.

you ought not to be alone. please stay.

come here, funny bunny.

do you miss ____?

that was a wicked thing to say.

you are never to repeat that awful lie again.

i just want to shut my eyes and sleep forever.

i hadn't expected to meet you.

why are you so kind to me?

whenever i'm happy, something bad is sure to follow.

i don't understand you one bit.

my little changeling child.

you don't have a shred of compassion.

did your mother tell you that?

[name] isn't an angel. [name] is in the ground.

i will never think what those other people think about you.

please, dear. please look at me. i love you.

you know as well as i do what true memories feel like.

buck up. the worst is over.

do you understand what you did? do you even know what you've done?

you can't lie to me. you can't hide from the truth.

you'll be seeing me.

everything is always better in the morning. i promise.

everything is the same as it ever was.

cat got your tongue?

what you need is a good hug.

you're home now. you're safe.

the days kept happening. the world kept turning.

would you like to tell your story to me? i'd love to hear it.

you can be a remarkable little liar sometimes.

you're old enough to know heaven is just a pretty story, aren't you?

go home to your mother. your mother will know what to do.

some things are forever, and other things are never again.

you can't help me. i know that now.

this is my secret hideout. i made it.

what happened to you?

do you think you're being charming?

it looks like it's going to be just you and me, for the time being.

i think we should go on a little vacation somewhere special. just us two. what do you think?

i'm not asking your permission. i'll be back when i'm back.

any old fool can drive a car.

given enough faith, you can do the impossible. and don't you forget it.

you will change the world for the better, i know it.

can you tell me, please, how to get to [place]?

you once said i'd be the death of you, and you were right.

i've always imagined purgatory was the kind of place you could stumble into by accident.

will you ever let me try to make it up to you?

i've traveled this route before, in my dreams.

it couldn't have been ___ you saw. you must have seen somebody else.

i'm running out of time to find my happy ending.

did the light wake you?

you are the strangest girl i have ever met.

there is very little goodness or love in this story.

you never need to worry about ____, ever again.

your story isn't over yet.

are you my angel, or my devil?

you're still young. when you're my age, you'll understand.

you never can tell what a child will grow up to be.

i admire you for accepting life as it comes.

you're never coming back, are you?

i'm here. i'm not going anywhere. here is my hand.

is that you, out so early?

we're approaching the end of our necessary small talk.

i've come to ask for your forgiveness.

you're welcome to stay as long as you like.

one day, i might forgive myself.

[utapri-translations-uuuu]

ASSMU Behind the Stage Ver.B [Masato, Ren, Ranmaru, Kira, Van] - Translation

Translator's notes can be found at the end and are marked with an asterisk.

Please do not repost/retranslate without permission.

Van: Delicious! This is the best after exercising! I can feel my strength steadily recovering.

Kira: It’s just water. Your statement was misleading.

Van: Nice tsukkomi*, Kira-chan.

Masato: It was such a productive lesson that I think I can understand how relieving the sensation of water seeping into the body can be.

Ren: It was an exciting time. It was the first time we danced together, but we were so in sync it didn’t seem like it. I was surprised by their unconventional dancing.

Ranmaru: You were improvising too, weren’t you? I wasn’t expecting it to be like this from the start. Well, it is a predictable lineup…

Kira: It's not often that we can get together with these members. I'd like to take this opportunity to get on the same page regarding the performance.

Masato: I see. As Sumeragi-san pointed out, it's important to discuss that.

Van: Okay, okay! Well, I have one suggestion to make.

Ranmaru: What is it?

Van: There is a part in the latter half of the song where we can move freely. It's really appealing to have everyone moving together like in the other parts, but I want us to show a bit more individual charm.

Ranmaru: Mind you, you were pretty much doing whatever you wanted just now.

Masato: More freely than what we did now…?

Ren: I’m guessing he meant we should make this section stand out more.

Kira: I understand how you feel, Van. But moving more than necessary is not good. It will cause trouble for Hijirikawa-san and the others.

Van: I’m not trying to cause any trouble. I just believe in the explosive power of this group, so I was wondering if we could make it a little more extravagant.

Ren: I feel like that could work. It's in the free parts that we can show our distinctive dance styles, and people will feel that we have something unique to offer.

Kira: Movements that brilliantly highlight each member’s individuality... I wonder if that could become possible if we practice a bit more and connect with each other.

Ranmaru: I also value intuition. Live performances are always raw, including the fans’ reactions. The music tells us what to do.

Van: (claps) So cool…! That was awesome!

Masato: Kurosaki-san, I have taken your words to heart!

Ranmaru: Now there are two people who overreact…

Ren: You got that right.

Masato: (clears throat) There will be 18 people on stage during the actual performance. As Sumeragi-san pointed out, we don't know how much we’ll actually be able to move around. That being said, we want everyone to enjoy themselves with us as much as they like.

Van: Masa-chan agrees with my idea, and you should also reveal more of the passionate feelings you keep inside your heart, Kira-chan.

Kira: That's right. Let's aim for further improvement together.

Ren: It seems we share the same level of enthusiasm about this. I’m glad we were able to get everyone on the same page.

Kira: Me too. In addition, I have something I want to express myself. While respecting harmony… I want to capture everyone's hearts with these hands of mine.

Ranmaru: I thought he was a cool guy, but it seems that’s not all there is to him.

Van: Yep, that's Kira-chan for you.

Kira: However, I'll be keeping a close eye on Van's movements during the lessons.

Van: Am I being monitored?!

Masato: I'm enjoying the lively exchange between Sumeragi-san and Kiryuin-san. Normally, I would have become tense and stiff.

Ren: As long as we continue sharing the same mindset like this, we'll be fine no matter what happens.

Ranmaru: It’s not like we can decide in detail what to do now. Let’s just go for it.

Van: I guess we'll have to wait until the curtain rises to see what happens.

Kira: Yes. I can't wait for the day we can all get on stage together.

Translator's notes:

Boke and Tsukkomi Routine- Called manzai in Japanese, this is the local variation on the ever-popular Straight Man and Wise Guy duo, but with the interactions of the duo making a significant part of the routine. The tsukkomi is the Straight Man of the pair, roughly, while the boke is more or less the Wise Guy — but it's not an exact match. The act usually involves the duo having a conversation on some subject, with the tsukkomi trying to correct the boke's misconceptions. [tvtropes.org]

[wthtorke]

Coffee

Asa Emory (The Collector) x Gender-neutral Reader (because I just had to write another one lmao)

Warning for homicidal thoughts - Seen earlier on P4tre0n

At first, it was a game. Asa didn’t think he’d get so invested in the house ‘playhouse’ thing. It also started as a personal challenge. Jokes and jabs were made at him by work colleagues who were only temporarily safe from his wrath for being too close to his…civilian form.

“Emory is going to die bitter and alone.” “Not even the spiders will handle such an old grouch.” “Professors party is next month Emory, no date to take yet? Did you ever have one?”

He decided to end things. He couldn’t end their lives just yet, but he could stop the rumors. Stop the pestering buzzing of flies that mocked him just outside his web. He’d get them in time.

But still, in order not to feel so pressured into doing it, Asa challenged himself. Could he fully morph into one of them briefly? Could he achieve the perfect disguise? His daytime mask wasn’t perfect, and he knew that.

Entomology wasn’t the most normal job out there. And while his house looked pleasant and well cared for on the outside, he still couldn’t hold off his deeper interests in the inside decor. He had flaws. Maybe this would stretch his ‘normal person’ muscles. Who knew?

And then he met you. Or well. He chose you. Old habits die hard.

He planned to keep things shallow and neutral. He didn’t want you coming over more than necessary, nor did he have any interest in going to your place that often. Too much effort.

What he didn’t plan, however, was that you would respect his privacy. And while Asa Emory, Ph.D. in entomology, hadn’t had many close, normal, lasting relationship experiences– He was pretty sure that’s not how things usually went. He also had not planned that whenever you did come to his place, you would be pleasant to be around.

Asa hated questions, especially from people he despised and especially from stupid people. Odd, given his job- but it was just how things were. Anything to keep appearances.

So he tightened his jaw the second you pointed your finger at his Five-Horned Rhinoceros beetle diorama. “Did you preserve that one yourself?”

He almost shifts on his feet, almost. Good question. “I didn’t. It was gifted to me by my college professor.” He hadn’t thought about him in months, even if the diorama was one of his favorites.

You smile, “Oh, that’s adorable.” Nothing about him was adorable other than the fact he liked to be adored. Like a God.

He thinks about killing you after that. Especially after you’ve had sex, especially now that you’re laying right beside him, dead asleep. Vulnerable.

You shift awake, and he doesn’t try to look away from you. He’s too focused to pretend right now. Still, you blink a couple of times and scoot closer to him. His hand twitches under the covers.

“Can’t sleep?” You ask. His eyes shift to your lips as you speak before coming back up. You smile, and whatever is going through your head right now definitely isn’t the same as his. But you still run your hand up his arm. It's almost like asking permission. Asa doesn’t like to be touched, but you learned that if he lets you touch up his arm, the rest should also be okay.

You learned fast. Maybe that's why you were still alive. He was still deciding if he was thankful for that or not. “Come here, then. It’s too late for staring.” You open your arms and use your hands to bring his shoulders closer to you. Closer to your chest.

He goes.

He scratches the thought of killing you after that.

While Asa was not one for getting unfocused- he did blink twice when the professor’s party email popped up in his inbox. And while you had been bringing coffee over, you sure felt concerned for whatever got Asa to blank so hard. You came to learn that 2 seconds was too long without a response from your entomologist. “Asa? Asa-?”

“I forgot about the Professor’s gathering.” He says. You slowly nod in understanding, “Ohhh…Were you obliged to do something for it?” You ask. He then remembers his coffee mug in your waiting hand. “No,” he takes the mug, “we just have to go.”

Your eyebrows do a little jump. “We?”

At this, he turns at you. “You’ve seen them before.” You nod, “Well, yeah- but only when we had a date after your shift- or when we had lunch together.”

“That’s what people in a relationship do.” He says, not trying to make you feel stupid, but almost like he was reassuring himself. You let out a soft laugh, “Yes, but I mean-. Look, I know you like your space, and your things- you don’t have to take me to a formal event because people think its the right thing-”

“But it is.” He counters. You grimace a little, taking a seat beside him at the kitchen table. “Depends-, do you want to go?” You ask him. He frowns.

He considers.

“No.”

You nod. “Then we don’t have to go.” You say, putting your hand over his on his leg. “How about we stay home and do something else? Or we can go somewhere else, or you could use that night to-”

“Stop.”

You freeze, swallowing your words as you retreat your hand from his. “Oh- sorry.” You look up again when he sets his mug on the table, barely having time to react when Asa’s hands cup your face and his lips close in on yours.

You lower your mug more and more as he continues to kiss you. Kissing him was always something different. Different doses of desire, roughness, and dominance. Different amounts of tenderness and care, and sometimes you swore you could feel something else. Only sometimes.

This was one of those times.

You blindly try to set your own mug on the table until his hand guides yours. His hand wraps around your arm and pulls you closer. And closer, and closer. Until you’re getting up from your chair and moving toward him.

Your chest touches his when you straddle his legs. His hand goes up in your hair while the other caresses your face. He breaks the kiss to look at you for a second. His eyes always had that power over you. The power to make you feel bare. Vulnerable.

Your breathing is strained from the kiss. His is from restraint.

He kisses your cheek and moves to your neck. The way he breathes close to your ear in between them makes your legs shake the tiniest bit.

When his hands hook under your thighs, your arms lock around his neck. He lifts you up, and you know what’s next. What you didn’t expect to hear was the small, barely audible “Thank you.” He whispered as he carried you upstairs.

Asa Emory had played himself.

He almost fell for it when your hand touched his in the kitchen. When you looked at him with all the honesty in the world over something so stupid. So willing to mold yourself to him.

But the feeling didn’t go away. Not after the sex, not after the sleep. Not for anything.

He wakes up, and you’re not there. The sheets are cold.

He gets dressed and goes downstairs. The smell of breakfast hits him like a train. Not many times did you both eat like this. At least not in the morning. And if you did, Asa made it. He always woke up first, made breakfast, and left it for you. He always left for work before you woke up. But this time it was different.

He didn't ask for it.

But Asa never had these small gestures of affection towards him. He always had to do shit alone. Always. He almost can’t believe his very eyes. And he definitely cannot believe he’s not -very- angry right now.

He’s standing at the kitchen entrance watching you making breakfast for you both when he realizes that he's in deeper than he thought.

When did you outsmart him? When did he let his guard down?

When did he start liking you this much?

Still, he should have known himself, his soft spot. You.

You were his soft spot. But still, he didn’t imagine it’d go so far. Had he always longed for this intimacy? Deep down? Maybe he did. Maybe the scared little boy did. But he had it now, hadn’t he?

"Alright, all done! And would you look at that, you actually have time to eat before going out! I-...Asa?"

Asa blinks when he hears his name, coming back to reality, "Hm?"

You smile. A soft, fond laugh escapes you as you shake your head. "Come on Mr. Emory, let's get some coffee in you".  You grab his hand, pulling him towards the table where everything is set.

He goes. Gladly.

[actiasteeth]

ASKBOX MEME 047 / ARCANE S01E01-03

All prompts taken from season one of Arcane (2021). Adjust as needed.

01. WELCOME TO THE PLAYGROUND

"We're not gonna get caught. We'll be in and out before anyone notices."

"_____, look at me. What did I tell you?"

"I'm going. Are you with me or not?"

"You know, _____, for once you're right—we are definitely not supposed to be here."

"Thought last time was the last time we were gonna do this."

"What was that? What the hell happened back there?"

"You know, in my experience, trouble finds you."

"Every time. Every time _____ comes, something goes wrong."

"Did you ever stop to think about what could have happened to you?"

"When did you get so comfortable living in someone else's shadow?"

"When people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish."

"You're gonna have to lay low for a bit, understand?"

"You were twice the person at half her age."

"You see this look on my face? This will always mean that it's time to shut up."

"I ruined everything. I always do."

02. SOME MYSTERIES ARE BETTER LEFT UNSOLVED

"How am I dangerous?"

"You sure that's what you want?"

"We look out for each other; it's the way it's always been."

"Do I look afraid?"

"All I see is a boy meddling with things he doesn't understand."

"You don't understand what's at stake."

"You carry your chin so high you fail to see the opportunity below."

"Don't look so concerned. I'm about to make your day."

"There's a monster inside all of us."

"You see, power—real power—doesn't come to those who were born strongest, or fastest, or smartest. No, it comes to those who will do anything to achieve it."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to explain..."

"I ran into an old friend of yours. He had some stories."

"You're just a small man in a little hole the world forgot to bury."

"You heard him; they won't stop. We need to fight back. And if you won't, I will."

"Nobody wins in war, _____."

"Am I interrupting?"

"Is that why you came? To insult me?"

"When you're going to change the world, don't ask for permission."

"Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"You're a fool. There is no stopping what happens now."

03. THE BASE VIOLENCE NECESSARY FOR CHANGE

"We don't have much time."

"How did you find me?"

"You've got a good heart. Don't ever lose it. No matter how the world tries to break you."

"Without you here, it all falls apart."

"You never did know when to walk away."

"What the hell have you done? This wasn't the deal!"

"Why? Why risk this?"

"You'll get people killed. For what, pride?"

"Do you even remember?"

"I trusted you. And you betrayed me."

"I hated you, but you kept my respect."

"You'd die for the cause, but you won't fight for one?"

"I'm just... not that man anymore."

"I'll show you what you really are."

"Hmm. Willing to risk exile for your endeavor. That's quite the conviction."

"I know it sounds impossible, but when have we ever let that stop us?"

"I need you to sit this one out, _____."

"You're not ready."

"You're all I have left. I can't lose you."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Take a breath. You can do this."

"You've actually done it... But just because it can be done, doesn't mean—"

"I knew you still had it in you."

"You did this?"

"I told you to stay away!"

"Why did you leave me?"

"He'll kill you if he hears you."

[thedrarrylibrarian]

One of my favorite things about doing Happy Hour is facilitating guests and encouraging them to be creative with their recs. Whether you want to format with bullet points or use emojis or write a paragraph-form rec, I love seeing guests give their favorite ficswith their style. When I asked our wonderful @phdmama to join and be a Happy Hour guest, she had the wonderful idea to change it up a bit and give her re-read recs, and I think you'll be so thrilled with what she came up with. Enjoy!

When The Drarry Librarian invited me to participate in Happy Hour, I was SO excited and honored, because, well - they’re doing such wonderful lovely things in fandom, and who doesn’t adore hyping up a fic they love? But as I thought about it, I realized that so many of the fics I wanted to rec were older and well-known, but they’re the fics that came to my mind because I’ve read them so many times.

Which got me to thinking about the role of rereading in fandom, and how it works for me. Now, I know there are lots of people who never reread, and there are lots of people who maybe reread occasionally. (This is actually one of the things I adore about fandom, all the beautiful differences we bring to the table!) That’s just not how my mind works. I’ve always been a VERY COMMITTED (aka deeply obsessive) reader and as I think back over my reading life, I’ve also always been a REreader.

Reading, quite literally, has saved my life and transformed it. So I thought I’d highlight of few of those fics that have impacted me so profoundly. These fics are comfort food for my brain. These are fics I come back to, over and over and over again. They live in my soul. (For the purposes of this piece, I’ll stick to Drarry fics, but there are these special fics in every fandom I read in, and we all know, I read very widely in lots of fandoms - it’s truly an embarrassment of riches!)

Two notes: 

I would recommend pretty much anything by these authors (read the tags etc etc) &

Limiting myself to just a few was SO SO difficult and I know I’m leaving out so many of my favorite authors and fics but I wanted to ACTUALLy write this!

Foundations by saras_girl (236,075 words, rated E)

When one door closes, another one opens – with a bit of a push. Life, love and complications. [sequel to Reparations]

Now, I could probably put most of saras-girl’s fics on this list and call it a day, but this fic (the whole ‘verse honestly) hits me on so many levels. From a narrative standpoint, I absolutely adore the idea of Healer Harry, and this whole world is just so rich and fully realized. This fic hits the therapist/healer in me and it speaks to the way so many healers are, just as Draco is, so wounded and in our own journey. But even more so, this fic gave me a tool for when I was navigating my father’s dying, the tool of, “in this space, we can say whatever we want, whatever we’re thinking and feeling, without any apologizing, equivocating or shaming ourselves.” (The “we” in this case was my sister and me.) It felt like because I had read this, it gave me permission to live it, and I cannot begin to explain how necessary it was for me during that incredibly painful time. This fic hits grief and loss and how hard life can be sometimes but also it’s so beautifully healing.

One moment that gets me:

“Don’t say anything,” Harry pleads, and it’s almost a whisper. He doesn’t want to hear any 

reassuring words, were Draco inclined to begin offering them.

“What makes you think there’s anything I could say?” Draco murmurs against his ear and holds him tighter.

The Light More Beautiful by @firethesound (81,225 words, rated E)

Thirteen years after Draco accepts Potter's help escaping the horror of his sixth year, he returns to England where he makes the unfortunate discovery that Potter is still as obnoxious as ever. And worse, more than a decade overseas hasn't been enough to dim Draco's obsession with him.

I think this is one of the first Drarry fics I ever really just fell head over heels in love with. This was in my early days of navigating AO3 and I really didn’t understand it all. I read the fic, and lost track of it, and was thinking about it several months later. I ended up going through my entire history (IT TOOK A LONG TIME PALS) to find it because I just remembered loving it so much. Every time I reread it, I just fall more and more in love with it. I love that these are imperfect people, who’ve learned and grown and changed. I love the narrative voice in this - I think this fic really shaped both what I love to read (a sort of spare, dry, very funny until you get PUNCHED IN THE FEELINGS kind of voice) but also my own writing. This is the kind of voice I aspire to. 

A moment (one of many) that makes me laugh:

“Fuck off,” Draco says again, slapping his hand away. So much for Potter keeping his hands to himself.

“Come on!” Potter slides off the table, grabs him and pulls him into an awkward, shuffling sort of dance that consists mostly of hip-grinding and arse-groping and, to Draco’s horror, he starts belting out lyrics. Draco thinks he’s getting them horribly wrong until it clicks that Potter’s just making them up as he goes along. About the two of them. And well now, that’s just inappropriate.

“Stop it!” Draco says, trying to push Potter off him. It’s a struggle to keep from laughing, but he knows if he does it’ll only egg Potter on. “You’re not even singing the right words.” He doesn’t succeed in dislodging him. Merlin, Potter’s like an octopus. An octopus with a terrible singing voice and no sense of rhythm and a somewhat frightening sense of humour.

Draco finally makes him shut up by sticking his tongue in Potter’s mouth, and mercifully Potter’s more interested in snogging than in continuing his ridiculous made-up lyrics.

Balance, Imperfect by @bixgirl1 (91,000 words, rated E)

When Harry sustains an injury in the line of work, he no longer knows how to navigate the life he loved, and finds help and solace from the most unexpected source.

I was sort of wary going into this one. I have very complicated feelings about relationships between healers and their patients, and normally avoid that dynamic but this was recommended to me (I can’t even remember by whom) and I am so thankful I did try it, because it’s another one of my all-time favorites. This is another fic that really dives into the absolute complexity of disability, trauma and healing. We have real people who are amazing and flawed and beautiful and so, so real. One of the things I also love about this fic is that Harry isn’t “fixed” by magic - he heals, and he adapts but he’s profoundly changed by his experiences, and as a trauma survivor, this just resonated so so deeply for me.

A beautiful, poignant moment:

When Malfoy finally leaves him alone at the end of the night, Harry exhales for the first time in what feels like hours. His body feels tight and confusing; he wants to rage and throw things at the other man, wants to refuse his aid.

But there was a moment when Malfoy seemed so assured, so fucking confident that he could help, that Harry had been dazed with the force of his own longing, but couldn’t bring himself to ask if that help would be able to make him whole again.

He didn’t think he could stand hearing the word no.

Aurora by @wolfpants (5,230 words, rated M)

Eighth Year at a half-built Hogwarts, and Harry is not following Draco Malfoy anymore. At least, that's what he's telling himself.

This fic just breaks my heart in the most beautiful way (which wolfie knows cuz I just screech about it periodically). I love so many of the different iterations of post-war Harry but this is absolutely one of my favorites. He’s lost and struggling to find a way, and I love that journey for him. Wolfie’s such a wonderful writer, and this whole fic is just so delicate and beautiful. 

A moment that makes me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME (this writing OMG):

And that was how the two of them found themselves in an intense and hushed conversation out on the fields, the same fields Harry watched Charlie and Nicu kiss, where Ginny demanded too much of him and Harry cracked under her questions, questions, questions.

They came back to the house together, sticky-cheeked and red-eyed, and a week later, it all became clearer to Harry when Ron asked him about it on one of their forest walks. It became clearer when Harry had planted a misdirected kiss of his own to his friend’s lips, and Ron had let him, and had, for a while, allowed it to continue, until he slid his fingers gently over the nape of Harry’s neck and pressed their foreheads together and let Harry cry instead, and he told him, "it’s alright, it’s alright mate, no one’s going to hate you for this, it’s alright, we all love you, you just have to talk to us, you just have to know that we’re here for you, yeah? No matter who you are, alright? It’s alright. We just want you to be happy. It’s all we want."

Believe me when I say, there are SO SO many fics from so many brilliant writers that I wanted to include, it was incredibly hard to narrow down. I feel like I say this over and over again, but I’m so so grateful to all of you for sharing your gifts with fandom in all the ways you do. They’ve transformed my life in deep, profound, and permanent ways. Thank you.

And a huge thank you to thedrarrylibrarian for letting me share these thoughts and fics with you!!! 

   - xox phdmama

Thank you so much @phdmama for the amazing recs! It was a delight to have you join us!

[aangarchy]

I feel like i need to reiterate what my opinion on the southern raiders as an episode is bc my previous posts about it are like 3 years old at this point, so here goes. I want to preface this by saying all of this is in fact my opinion and not me trying to state facts. I'm not going to argue who's right or wrong. I'm not going to debate it either. If your opinion is different: great! You're a human being that can also think for themselves!

In my opinion, the southern raiders is not a good episode. The only reason it exists, is because Katara needed to stop hating Zuko and start trusting him, and thus Zuko would be officially and fully part of the gaang. There's a reason they didn't give Toph a life changing field trip episode. It wasn't necessary in the narrative because Toph already pretty much trusted Zuko. Sokka and Aang had their respective Zuko trips, and Suki rode along in Sokka's episode. Katara was the only one left and for some reason this is what they came up with, and they crammed it in right before a filler episode so they could start of the finale.

I particularly dislike Zuko's behavior in this episode. I'm not saying it's out of character. I just feel like at this point in the story he should know better. First he doesn't understand why Katara is still angry at him. Then he gets to the conclusion that Katara has connected her anger towards her mother's murderer to him, which isn't false, but Katara is still justified in her anger because Zuko has also been very shitty towards her. Then once he has the information he needs from Sokka (who didn't ask to get involved and just wanted to have a fun night with his girlfriend and now had to recall one of his most traumatic memories) he just drops it onto Katara, first cornering her by waiting outside her tent to make sure he's the first thing she sees. He also tells her he "knows who did it." Only he doesn't actually know does he? He just knows it's the leader of the southern raiders, but he doesn't know where to find him yet, but he does know where they can find out so it's okay. They only need to ninja sneak into a highly guarded tower and get a the map. No biggie. Then they march over to Aang and tell him they "need to borrow Appa". They don't even ask him nicely, they just say "we need him". Aang is rightfully sceptical.

Now i know Appa is their only mode of transportation in this episode bc the airship is with Hakoda. But can i remind everyone that Appa is more than just a vehicle? He's a living breathing animal and also Aang's pet. And Aang has already lost him once. They're planning on taking Appa straight into the danger zone without Aang or any armor. And they don't even ask permission! They were planning to sneak out with him at night without Aang's knowledge too! What if Appa got hurt? What if they get captured along with Appa?

Then when Aang points out how this plan sounds insane (bc it fucking is), Katara immediately tells Aang he doesn't understand. What's weird about this is Aang is actually one of the few people there that DOES. Aang is a victim of genocide just like Katara. Within a few days he went from wandering the airtemples with the other kids and playing pai cho with Gyatso to learning his entire civilization and culture has been dead for a century. He was faced with his mentor and father figure's skeleton, and with the knowledge that whomever did it has been dead for a long time. He points this out to Katara, and Zuko dismisses him saying this is what Katara needs.

It's funny how Zuko's entire motivation for this plan in the first place is for Katara to stop hating him. It's entirely selfish, and he's essentially using Katara's grief for his benefit. But all of a sudden when they get stopped by Aang and asked to explain themselves Zuko believes this is what Katara needs. Now i am willing to believe that Zuko genuinely thinks this will help Katara at this point, as it seems like he's living a bit through her. After all he too lost his mother (although he recently discovered she is alive) and boy wouldn't he like to hurt Ozai for being responsible for his mother's disappearance. But this doesn't take away that this plan started with selfish motivations.

Aang rightfully points out that this isn't about closure but about revenge, and tries to explain to both of them the airnomad philosophy around revenge. Zuko, still wanting to go ahead with his plan bc he wants Katara to stop hating him, dismisses this and calls it "airtemple preschool". I'll rephrase that: a direct descendant of the nation that eradicated the entire airnomad population dismisses and insults the teachings of said eradicated culture. And it's played of as a joke? Because it's a funny phrase i suppose? Hardy har the oppressor is making fun of the beliefs and culture of the oppressed! And as if this isn't enough, he decides to drive this home even further by calling Aang a "guru goodie goodie" when Aang asked Katara not to choose revenge. Again we're supposed to find this funny, and sure as a kid the line on its own is funny. But growing up and realizing the context around it, it very quickly becomes not funny and actually kind of infuriating, because again the reason Zuko is trying so hard to dismiss Aang is that he wants this plan to succeed so Katara will stop throwing insults his way. Katara is also very mean towards Sokka this episode, claiming he didn't love their mother the way she did. Poor Sokka really got put trough the ringer this episode.

I also again want to point out how dangerous this plan is. The first field trip with Aang was different. They were visiting ruins for the benefit of Aang learning firebending (a skill he needs to face Ozai), so this trip was very necessary. Sokka's trip was "selfish" for other reasons than Katara. He felt like he failed his dad by letting him get captured, and so he wants to prove himself by getting him out. At least we can applaud Sokka and Zuko for not endangering Appa into enemy territory this time around, and for going into the trip with good intentions (aka saving Dad and later up saving Suki). But the consequences of Sokka's trip show up almost immediately because Azula was able to track them down and bomb the place. The southern raiders trip could have very well had the same exact consequences. They could get captured, they could die, they could get tracked and lead the fire nation to the location of the Avatar (who they now know is alive and is once again their biggest threat), Appa could get hurt. All of this to murder a man and they don't end up doing it. (Just to be clear i'm not mad that Katara didn't kill Yon Rah, i'm actually really happy with that choice and how it foreshadows Aang choosing not to kill Ozai. I'm mad at the fact that they did this dangerous plan with bad intentions and didn't even complete it.)

Now by the end, i'm not saying Aang was completely in the right this episode. He told Katara to forgive this man when he knows damn well she would never. I'm not saying she couldn't. She just wouldn't. But he was right in saying that Katara needed to face this man and come to a non-violent closure. He was also correct in the assumption that Katara needed to forgive. He only wanted Katara to aim this forgiveness at the wrong person. Katara did forgive at the end. She forgave Zuko (who still didn't really deserve it in my opinion because we never even see him apologize to Katara personally for what he did to her?) Zuko even admits at the end that Aang was right in saying violence wasn't the answer. Aang's methods were just a bit off this episode, because there was no way Katara was going to listen to him.

To round this off: this episode could have been done differently. The only thing that really needed to happen for the plot, was for Katara to forgive Zuko and for Zuko to ask Aang how he was going to apply his pacifist upbringing into defeating the firelord. Everything else wasn't narratively necessary, and brought up some very questionable scenes. You could argue that we needed to find out what happened to Katara's mother, but honestly we kind of already knew. She died at the hands of the fire nation. We didn't really need to have it laid out, so it wasn't necessary for the story.

Anyway, that's it. Like i said above, i don't really want to debate this. If you disagree with it you can make your own post about it, i'd rather not get into arguments in the reblogs or comments.

[q-gorgeous]

Support

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word count: 1386

Valerie gets the support she deserves. @summerssixecho

more fic ooh ahah

“So, what? You’re just going to stop being my friend because my dad doesn’t have money anymore?”

Paulina tsked and looked at her newly manicured nails. “That’s how it works, chica. You can’t be in with the in crowd if you can’t afford the in crowd.”

Valerie balled her hands into fists. “I wasn’t friends with you to be in the ‘in crowd’. I was friends with you guys because I liked hanging out with you? I thought you were cool people?” Valerie’s glare deepened. “But now I know that you’re all just a bunch of shallow assholes.”

“Ooh, resorting to name calling?” Paulina looked at Valerie. “You know we’re right.”

Valerie growled and turned away from them. She stomped down the hallway and out of sight. 

“Paulina, is this really necessary?” Star asked, looking down the hallway at where Valerie disappeared. “I thought we were friends for more than the money our parents have too.”

“She needs to know her place in this world.” Paulina turned to Star and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “People like her won’t make it in this world unless they have money. She needs to learn that.”

“People like her?” Star asked skeptically.

“Yes.”

Star backed away, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She’s been friends with Paulina since they were little girls. She remembered when Paulina first moved here from Columbia. She was so young and she already knew two languages. Star had thought it was so cool. She loved listening to Paulina talk in her native tongue. 

She didn’t know what happened but Paulina seemed to get meaner, more controlling and hostile every year. She didn’t want to admit it but it was to the point where her friends were starting to become nervous to talk to her. She controlled Casper High’s entire rumor mill. One lie from her and their lives could be ruined.

So everyone stayed quiet, hoping Paulina would change one day. But Star looked at where Valerie disappeared and felt remorseful. She wished there was something she could do. 

-----

Star was in the library during her study hall. She was working on an english paper and had books spread out all around her on the table. She leaned back and looked down at it all when she heard it. 

Coming from the corner of the room near her was the sound of crying. 

Star’s never been one to comfort people before. It’s not something she was good at. She usually left or ignored it when she could hear someone having a rough time near her. But this time she was compelled to get out of her seat.

The closer she got, the louder the sniffles were. As she rounded the corner her heart dropped as she saw who was sitting on the floor in the corner of the library. 

Valerie sat with her arms hugging her legs, her face tucked into her knees. She was trembling with the force of keeping the sounds in, but they trickled out without her permission. Star’s heart twisted in her chest and she walked over to where Valerie sat on the floor. 

Star sat down and wrapped an arm around Valerie’s shoulders and held her. Valerie looked up for a moment to see who had come to comfort her and a louder sob left her once she made eye contact with Star. She turned her head and tucked it into Star’s shoulder, quietly crying onto her shirt. She rubbed Valerie’s shoulder, hoping that would be enough to comfort her.

She didn’t get any more work done that hour. 

——-

Star and Valerie started hanging out a lot more again after that. Paulina tried to make a big deal out of it but this was the one thing Star wasn’t going to back down on.

“Paulina, you can’t make me do this. Not this time.”

She snorted. “Why, is she your new best friend or something?” She sneered.

Star threw her hands up into the air. “No! Never! She just needs some support right now! All you want to do is put her down!” 

“She doesn’t need any support. She just needs to get over it and accept her place.”

Star clenched her teeth together. “You know what, I’m over this. She might as well be my new best friend because all you’ve been for the past couple years is a complete bitch.”

Paulina gasped but Star continued, emboldened by the words she had already spoken. 

“No one really likes you much anymore, Paulina. Everyone’s afraid of you. I tried to be there for you, you were my best friend. But now all you do is manipulate and hurt people. Until you don’t do that anymore, we’re no longer friends.” 

Paulina glared at her with her hands clenched. “How dare you. How could you do this?”

“The same way you did all that to Valerie.”

Star walked away. She could hear Paulina still trying to talk to her, but her words faded away as her hands shook and tingled. 

——-

Star and Valerie laughed. They sat outside on the bleachers by the football field. Dash just fell over as he was trying to show off during practice.

“That’s what you get, Baxter!” Valerie cupped her hands around her mouth as she shouted at him. He shot her a glare but smiled right after. 

It was a nice, sunny day out and Dash had asked Star and Valerie if they wanted to watch the guys during practice. And then afterwards they’d go to the Nasty Burger. Star was glad to see no one was treating her differently after her outburst at Paulina and Valerie was happy to hang out with her friends again. 

Dash had just turned to go back to practice when a screeching sound echoed around the football field. Valerie took a defensive stance next to her and Star looked around, trying to figure out where the sound came from. 

There it was. Up above them squawked an animalistic ghost. It looked like some kind of bird. It had breaks in its limbs and looked deformed. It screeched at them again. 

Star stood up, getting ready to run. “I hope the ghost boy gets here soon!” 

Valerie growled. “We don’t need that stupid ghost boy! Come on, follow me.” 

Valerie ran away off the bleachers, Star following behind. On the last step though, she tripped and fell to the ground. The yell she made on the way down caught the ghost’s attention and it flew towards her. 

Star turned away and covered her head. She prepared herself for the blow, for the stinging of ectoplasm but it never came. 

The ghost screeched and Star turned her to look at what happened and her eyes widened when she saw who was standing in front of her, stance wide with a new ecto-gun floating above her wrist that had not been there before. 

Valerie stood in front of her with the posture of a soldier in battle. Then right before Star’s eyes, Valerie began to change. A familiar suit appeared around her, replacing her clothes. There stood the Red Huntress.

Valerie.

“Oh my god.” Star whispered. 

“You and your kind will not be taking anything else away from me!” Valerie yelled at it. 

She watched as Valerie vehemently fought the ghost, flying into the air once her hoverboard appeared. Soon enough it was captured in the thermos that appeared in Valerie’s hand seemingly out of nothing. Once the ghost was defeated, she glided back to the ground and the hoverboard disappeared back to wherever it came from. 

Star stared at her for a few moments before she finally stood up. She ran at Valerie and threw her arms around her shoulders. 

“This is what you’ve been doing all this time?” She yelled into her ear.

Valerie pulled her head back at the sound. “Yeah. Ever since the ghost boy and his dog ruined my life.” 

Star pulled back, a sad expression on her face. Before she could voice any of her thoughts though, the football players came over cheering. 

“Way to go Valerie!”

“Yeah! You beat that ghost ass!”

They continued cheering and congratulating her. They picked her up and started carrying her around on their shoulders. Valerie’s suit transformed and disappeared, leaving her smiling face visible to everyone. 

[terresdebrume]

for the OTP ask meme: 14 and 51 for Webgott (or whichever ship where that's an interesting question/whichever you want lol)

[Ask me about my OTPs]

Thanks for the ask :D I love the questions you picked, they're difficult but in a great way :3

14: How do their personalities compliment each other? How do they clash?

So to me, the way David is portrayed in the series makes him seem like a guy that's even-tempered enough people may wonder if anything actually gets to him, who can definitely be oblivious to how things and people work (I mean, the guy is out of a war for 4 months, comes back, and it apparently doesn't occur to him that the guys he doesn't see right away might be injured or dead? Come on.) In my headcanon, part of this even-tempered-ness exists because he got lucky and is just like, emotionally solid, so to speak, but another part of it is also that I headcanon him as someone who doesn't always realize he has Feelings about Stuff, until they bubble up and he finds himself snapping about it.

(Full disclosure: my headcanon of Web is a little bit autistic-leaning, but I think his spot on the spectrum would be one where he'd go under the radar until and unless something made it impossible for him to arrange his life in a way that accomodates his needs)

Meanwhile, Joe definitely knows when he feels things, he's just generally not happy about feeling them and has a tendency to make it everyone else's problem. (Or Web's, once they get together.) I think, in a way, the reason he ribs Web constantly (seemingly especially after he comes back from the hospital?) is because he can't wrap his head around the concept of a guy who's been living the same shit Joe has and seems to be as affected by that as a a dog is affected by the theory of relativity. I think it just doesn't compute, and at least his earlier niggling is partially a scientific experiment to see if he can Make This Guy Emote.

Which of course, to Web (who is oblivious and doesn't realize his apparent mental stability in the face of Everything is odd) probably feels like gratuitous targeted harrassment until he figures out how to read Joe and realize that actually this is just an elaborate form of pigtails-pulling (or at least it becomes that after a while)

So, like. Overall I think Web and Lieb compliment each other in the same places they clash: Web doesn't know what he feels most of the time but has no issues talking about it when he does, which Joe finds both fascinating and frustrating because who the fuck rolls over on their back and bares their chest like that on a regular basis, am I right? He thinks it's breathtakingly brave stupid.

Meanwhile, Joe will bite your head off before he admits that he like strawberry cake over chocolate, actually, but because Web is already used to having to retroengineer his emotions from context clues (and he's trying to figure out why Joe hates him specifically) he ends up accidentally figuring out a whole lot about Joe that other people don't, which then gives him the necessary insight to respond to what Joe is externalizing rather than what he's saying which in turn makes him possibly the best person for Joe to hang out with.

51: What’s a non verbal way they say I love you?

Honestly? All the ways. As in, I think they probably go like, ten or twenty years without ever actually using the words, mostly because again, Joe is allergic, and by the time Web realizes it he's already been showing it for a while anyway.

I would say the most deliberate way Web says this to Joe is to get him food, especially greasy or sweet food on a semi-regular basis. Forget flowers: David knows that as far as Lieb is concerned, love is stored in the butter.

For Joe, I think when he actually tries to show affection he does it by seeking out activities that are relevant to David's interests (though not without complaining, of course). This ranges from spontaneously giving David his gracious permission to drag him to the sea so thay can go sailing, to saving for three months so they can drive up to that conference about sharks two states over.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi, i live in a explosive toxic household (not overselling a bit) and i'll be going to college a few months later but before that i've got to complete my exam with highest of marks to get the college i want. what i'm asking is how do i keep it all together and get better marks simultaneously while living wih them. ? (and no i can't leave before college, i can't leave home without one parent accompanying me no matter where it is and then there's common toxic stuff they do like gaslighting, shouting like crazy, constant comparing with other people, etc)

Hi love! Your motivation and self-awareness is a powerful strength. Remember that. I'm sorry you need to deal with this toxic living situation. Onto your question:

If possible, I know that you said you can't go anywhere alone, but does your school have an open library after school hours? Your parents might allow you to work there or stay for a "school club" activity if you communicate that teachers and school authorities will be around. See if you can have your friend's parents ask for permission for you to stay over and study with someone also taking this exam. Just some ideas to get out of the house!

If you need to study in your home, remember that you always are an autonomous person – regardless of whether they believe that you're an extension of them or their property in some way.

You have the freedom of thought and your own mind. Think of all of the toxic things they say as though they are talking to themselves in the mirror. Your physical presence is simply in the way.

Block out study and self-care sessions where you only focus on yourself. Use noise-canceling headphones, find playlists you love – create vision boards if you want. Give yourself blocks of time to center your thoughts and only focus on YOU – your dreams, goals, and desires. Translate this motivation to fuel you to focus on your study session. Think of your excelling on this exam as a gift to yourself. These marks can be your golden ticket to autonomy, so view getting in the zone as an escapist, joyful process that will get you to where you want to go. It's the necessary first step.

Hope this helps xx

[ffcrazy15]

you are the worst sort of woman in the world. I bet you're white and you make decent money and you're able-bodied. You judge other women and believe in taking away their bodily autonomy and forcing them into things they do not want because it aligns with your morality. You have no empathy. You have no sympathy. You are scum of the earth.

First off, I want to say that I'm impressed. While I fundamentally disagree with your view, you believe that you are in the right and fighting for people in need. Don't lose that sense of justice. Maybe don't send people hatemail with it—channel it into something more productive?—but that sense of justice is important. Well done.

Second off, to address the privilege bit: I am white, yes. And I am able-bodied, aside from an OCD condition that I've mostly got managed. As for "decent money"—hard to say what counts as decent money in a housing crisis? But my husband is a teacher and I work for the Church, which famously doesn't pay a lot, so together I'd say we're dead-center middle class (though both raised in upper-middle-class households, which of course has its own privileges associated).

I'm aware that that makes us far, far more fortunate than many people. Believe me, I am not at all ignorant of my privilege. You can take a look through the rest of my blog and see the other causes I support, like unions and a better healthcare system and kicking Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk in the balls whenever possible.

The fact is that you're right. The economy is shitty. Parents are struggling. Hell, *everyone* is struggling. Inflation is through the roof, housing is being bought up by a couple of landlord corporations and being held hostage, education and medical costs have ballooned way out of proportion, climate change is only going to exacerbate the situation, rightwingers are still committed to their stupid theory of trickle-down economics (or let's be real, beholden to corporate donors), and Reagan killed the unions, so we're all pretty fucked. Some of us (like me) less than others, but still. Fucked.

The thing is, none of that makes it okay to kill a kid. It provides context, yes. It increases the motivations, yes. But every human being has human rights, and those rights can't be violated without it being a human rights abuse. The fetus is a human being, ergo it has human rights, and one of those human rights is not being murdered. It is not morally permissible to respond to economic injustice by kicking the effects of injustice further down the ladder of vulnerability and voicelessness.

I'm sorry. But that's just how human rights work. Either we all have them, including the preborn, or no one has them.

I don't fight for preborn humans because I think the world is perfect or because I'm ignorant of parental poverty or because of some sort of weird "conservative family values" bullshit. I fight for them because it's the right thing to do. They're human beings, and therefore they deserve my defense from people trying to kill them.

And I fight for them in concert with my fight for the other causes that are necessary to give those kids and their parents a good life—affordable housing, affordable healthcare, climate justice, antiracism, antifascism, and better wages and working conditions for working class people.

I'll close this by linking a charity that provides support to pregnant women and families in financial crisis. If any of my followers could pitch a few bucks their way, I'm sure they and the women they support would really appreciate it.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Carla Ecstasy [Epilogue]

ー The scene starts in the entrance hall of the Vibora Castle

Zweig: People of the Vibora. Listen!

In our midst right now is the Princess who descends from our very own Demon Lord,

as well as the one and only Eve, chosen by none other than Karlheinz-sama himself!

*Clap clap clap*

Yui: It’s a pleasure to meet you...

( ...They’re all looking at me with eyes full of respect. )

( This is Cordelia-san’s doing and not my own though... )

Zweig: Due to her assistance, our Clan has decided to form an alliance with the Founders and the Ghouls!

We have gained an immense amount of power, we might as well be invincible now!

Therefore, I believe we should be the one’s reigning over the Demon World! We shall start by declaring war upon the Vampire Clan!

ー The Vibora rejoice

Zweig: Commence the preparations at once! Victory is within our grasp!

Yui: ( They will fight against the Vampires at lastーー )

( Since I’m also part of this alliance, that includes me as well, right? )

( I knew that but it leaves me feeling conflicted... )

ー The scene shifts to the guest room

Vibora B: Thank you for your hard work. Please rest up here for a while.

Yui: Excuse me...Is there nothing I should do? 

Vibora B: No, not in particular. It is the soldiers’ duty to perform in the war. 

The generals - lead by Zweig-sama - will be in charge of giving out the orders.

Yui: ...

( Which means I’ll just be sitting here...? )

Then I don’t need to be here, do I?

Vibora B: Excuse me?

Yui: Please, would you let me return to Banmaden? 

Vibora B: No, I cannot do that.

Yui: Eh? Why not?

Vibora B: Zweig-sama and you are the leading powers in his alliance. 

It would be trouble if one of you were to disappear. Please, do not leave this room without permission. 

Yui: ...I see.

( I vaguely expected this, but I guess it’s no use after all... )

ー The scene shifts to the outside of Banmaden

Kino: Hey, guys. I’ve got fantastic news to share today.

Male Ghoul B: Eh? What do you mean by fantastic news? Hurry up and tell us, Kino-sama!

Kino: Fufu. Relax, okay? At last, time has come for us to rise to the top!

Male Ghoul C: ...? What do you mean by that?

Kino: Good question. I guess you could say we’re going to flip the hierarchy upside down?

Male Ghoul C: ...?

Kino: You guys know that the Founder King is suffering from a severe illness, right? But you see, his health has reached an all-time low.

Male Ghoul B: As in...?

Kino: In other words, it has reached its terminal stage. He can barely get out of bed still, as he’s basically just waiting for the moment he takes his final breath.

Male Ghoul C: ...It’s that bad?

Kino: Yeah. But that’s ideal to us, isn’t it?

I mean, once we get rid of his younger brother Shin, this Castle will be ours.

ー The Ghouls make a commotion

Kino: Shin worked you guys to the bone, didn’t he?

Male Ghoul A: Exactly. We had to train day in, day out, we were utterly exhausted. 

I mean, that was fine at first. But he kept on expecting more and more of us. To be honest, we simply couldn’t keep up...

We were constantly covered in cuts and bruises. I’d love to get back at that guy one day.

Kino: See!? Don’t you think you’d be much happier without that heartless jerk around?

Male Ghoul A: ...

Male Ghoul C: Well, I guess...

Male Ghoul B: When you put it like that...

Kino: I mean, once he’s out of the way, Banmaden will actually be our very own Paradise?

You’ll have the place all to yourself, without being controlled by anyone. Wouldn’t that be fantastic!? 

Male Ghoul C: ...A Paradise just for us...

Male Ghoul A: That means we’d be able to live freely...without receiving orders from anyone, right?

Kino: Yeah, yeah! Freedom at its finest!

Male Ghoul C: Freedom, huh? ...Sounds great!

Male Ghoul B: That means we won’t have to bow our heads to those Founders anymore, you know?

Male Ghoul A: We always believed that we had to live our lifes being used by others but...I guess that will no longer be necessary then...

Male Ghoul C: That sounds great. I’ve always envied people who could live that way...!

Male Ghoul B: Okay! Hey, guys! Let’s enjoy our lives here together!

Male Ghoul A: Yes, let’s do that! We’ll turn Banmaden into our new homeland!

Kino: Seems like you’re all on the same page now. But before that, there’s one final important task left to do. You don’t mind that, do you?

Male Ghoul A: Yes, of course not!

Male Ghoul C: The future will smile upon us as long as we succesfully complete that duty, right? We’ll try our best!

Male Ghoul B: Yeah, count us in! This is all for the sake of our happiness!

Kino: We’ll put our plan into action tonight, once that guy has gone to bed. I’m counting on you guys, okay?

ー The scene shifts to Shin’s room

Shin: Zz, zz...

Kino: ...Okay. Let’s go, guys!

ー The Ghouls storm into his room

Male Ghoul A: You little!

*THUD*

Shin: Ugh...! Uwahーー!? 

...What’s happening...!? 

Male Ghoul B: To hell with you!!

*THUD*

Shin: Uguh...!!

Male Ghoul C: Yaah!!

*THUD*

Shin: Guah...!!

*Thud* 

Shin: Kuh, the muscles in my right arm are...What has gotten into you guys...!? 

Kino: Yeah; Aiming for your dominant hand first was a great idea.

Shin: ...! Kino, so you’re the one behind this...!!

Kino: Tell me, Shin. Despite being a Founder as well, you aren’t very popular, are you? 

Shin: Excuse me...!?

Kino: You’re finding yourself in this position right now because you were too harsh on everyone, you see?

Do you know what they call take? ‘You reap what you sow��. 

Shin: You little...You really think you’re getting away with that!?

Kino: Come on guys, kill him. This eyepatch bastard can barely fight back at this point. 

Male Ghoul B: Roger!!

Shin: ...!!

*TIMESKIP*

Shin: Haah, haah...

Kino: Ahaha! As to be expected of a Founder. Seems like you’re tougher than I thought.

Shin: ( ...I have to let Nii-san know about this somehow...! )

Male Ghoul A: Die!!

Shin: ( I guess they’re getting lost in the moment, that’s quite the large swing. But it’s okay, I should be able to dodge...! )

*Cling* 

Shin: Ugh...!

Male Ghoul A: Uwah!!

Shin: ( Okay! He lost his balance, so now’s my chance...! ) 

ー Shin runs off

Male Ghoul A: Wait!!

ー The scene shifts to Carla’s room

*Thud* 

Shin: Nii-san...!!

Carla: Ugh...

*Rustle* 

Carla: What’s the matter, Shin...? What happened...?

Shin: The Ghouls are revolting...It’s all Kino’s doing...

ー Kino walks up them

Kino: That’s right, Mr. Founder King. I’m the one who came up with this entire plan.

Shin: ...Kino...!!

Kino: Thanks for explaining the situation on my behalf, Mr. Eyepatch. I have no more use for you.

Fufu. See you!!

*STAB*

*Splatter* 

Shin: Gufuh...!!

Carla: Shin...!!

Kino: ...Just bite the dust alreadyーー!

*STAB*

*Splatter* 

Shin: Uguh...!!

...Nii-sa...

ー Shin collapses

*Thud* 

Carla: ...

Kino: Phew~ He’s a First Blood after all. So I can’t cut corners. 

Although I’m sure even a Founder will die after being stabbed through the heart that many times, no?

*Thud* 

Kino: Aah, seems like it did the trick. I mean look, I can kick him or step on him all I want, he gives zero reaction.

Well, I guess even a Founder is done for once dead. Ahaha, serves you right!

Carla: You fiend...How dare you kill Shin...!

*Rustle* 

Kino: What’s this~? Seems like your body won’t move at all even though you want to get up? What’s wrong?

Carla: Kuh...

Kino: Well then, with the Founder King out of commission, Banmaden is as good as mine. 

Carla: Do not be ridiculous...As if this Castle will ever be yours...!

Kino: Oh dear. What are you saying? You’re going to kick the bucket soon anyway.

Carla: ...Kino...!!

Kino: Haha. I guess you can’t move after all. I guess I can just leave you be then.

Just sit back and enjoy the show, okay? It’d make a fine memory to take with you to the afterlife. Ahahaha...!

Monologue

The Vibora Clan declared war upon the Vampires,

and the war broke out.

The Vampire Clan has stormed the Vibora Castle,

as intense battles continue to be fought.

However, admist all of that,

we were informed that an internal discord had taken place at Banmaden,

which let to the Ghouls occupying the Castle,

with Kino-kun serving as their leaderーー

ー The scene shifts to the entrance hall at the Vibora Castle

Yui: Haah, haah, haah...!

( Is it true that Banmaden has been taken over? )

( Is Carla-san safe? How could this happen when Shin-kun was supposed to be there...!? )

Haah...Either way, I have to get out of here...!!

( I have to go to Banmaden, no matter whatーー ... ! )

ー The scene shifts to the forest

Yui: Where am I...?

( I’m glad I managed to use the fights to my advantage to flee the Castle but I have no idea how to make it back to Banmaden... )

Carla-san...

( If Banmaden has been attacked, then what ifーー )

...No. Now’s not the time to think about that. I have to make it back as soon as possibleーー!

*Flap flap flap*

Yui: ...?

( What’s this sound...!? )

???: Oi, there she is! Over there!

Yui: ( Eh? It’s coming from aboveーー )

???: Okay! Let’s take her to the Sakamaki Castle!

Yui: ( The Sakamaki Castle...? Then these people are Familiars from the Vampire Clan ーー )

*Thud* 

Yui: Kyaah!!

ー Yui is taken away

*Flap flap flap* 

Yui: ( I-I’m up in the air...! )

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the living room of the Sakamaki Castle

Yui: Shuu-san, Reiji-san...

( Right, they said something about Shuu-san being the new heir of the family, right? )

Reiji: Long time no see, but I believe the two of us would be considered enemies under the current circumstances. 

Yui: ...

Shuu: ...I heard you were at Banmaden though.

When did you move to the Vibora Castle? And why are you a leading power in this war?

Yui: Wellーー

ー She explains everything to them

Shuu: ...I see. I guess it makes sense why you’d be used in such a way, considering the person your heart belongs to. 

Reiji: And after you left for the ally’s Castle, a rebellion took place at the other one. I see.

Yui: ( ...Right now I am an ally of the Vibora. )

( It doesn’t make sense to ask the enemy for help. ...But. )

( This is the only option I have...! )

Shuu-san, I’m begging you. Would you please take me to Banmaden...!?

Shuu: ...

Yui: I have to return to Banmaden. If not, Carla-san will...!

Reiji: Komori Yui. Do you have any idea what you are asking of us right now?

Yui: I do...I believe.

Reiji: Hah.If you are aware, then I hope you realize just how imprudent you are.

Yui: ...

( There is nothing I can say to that... )

Shuu: Would we gain anything from taking you to Banmaden?

Yui: Gain...

...You wouldn’t.

Reiji: Haah...Then what makes you think we would agree to your offer?

Yui: ( Right... )

Shuu: ...Heh.

Pfft...Haha...Ahahaha...!

Reiji: Shuu...?

Shuu: Hehe...You really are one silly girl.

Fine. I just gotta take you to Banmaden, correct?

Yui: Eh...? You don’t mind...?

Reiji: Shuu! Are you out of your mind!?

Shuu: Haha, rest assured. I know what I’m doing.

Anyway, I’ll have my Familiars escort you to Banmaden. Pass this message to Carla from me once you get back there.

Yui: ? What should Iーー

Shuu: Tell him to leave me alone, since I’d like to avoid trouble.

Yui: ( Which means they won’t fight as long as Carla-san doesn’t make the first move...!? )

Shuu-san...! Thank you so much...!!

Reiji: Shuu...

You are way nicer of a guy than a thought. Very much so.

Shuu: ...I don’t dislike weirdos. That’s all. 

Reiji: ... It all depends on how you put it. 

ー The scene shifts to the forest

Yui: ( Wait for me, Carla-san. I’m on my way...!! )

ー The scene shifts to the outside of Banmaden

Yui: ( I made it... )

( Banmaden is currently in hands of Kino-kun and his gang. )

( I have to make it to Carla-san without being spotted by them...! )

ー She runs off into the Castle

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[trashpandafiction]

We Survive (10)

Summary: What happens when the Behavioral Analysis Unit comes across a situation they weren’t trained for? When the dead begin to roam the Earth, it challenges the BAU to something they’ve never dealt with before: the apocalypse. Along their journey for survival, they come across Rick Grimes and his group of survivors. Among the survivors is Jocelynn Russo, who thinks that the new group could be helpful to them. Things seem to go well until an unexpected enemy appears. Will Negan and the Saviors be the one thing to break the groups, or will they be able to defend themselves? All anyone knows is they have one common goal; to survive. Pairings: None in this chapter? Word Count: 2,124 Warnings: None A/N: Sorry for slacking on updates on this one! I truly hope you're enjoying it! If you’d like to be tagged in future updates, just let me know! Please do not redistribute my work without my permission! Reblogging is fine with credit intact.

Ten - Talks

          “So, he kisses you and then just walks out?” JJ asked, bringing two plates of food to the kitchen table.

          “Walks right out. He kept saying sorry and that we shouldn’t do this. What am I supposed to say to that?” Jocelynn asked her, thanking her for the plate.

          It had been a few days since Rick kissed her and things had been weird; there was no other way to explain it. They were civil to each other, but he only talked to her when it was necessary and if she didn’t know any better, it seemed like he avoided her. She wanted to confront him about it all, but she wasn’t even sure what she would say. So, she came to JJ to get her advice about it all over lunch.

          “It could be that he has feelings he’s not sure about, or maybe he was just caught up in the heat of the moment. He’s never made any moves or anything?” JJ asked.

          “Not really. I mean we joke around but I don’t think he’s looking for anything else after…everyone else.” Jocelynn said.

          “Does he have a lot of history or something?” she asked, taking a sip of her lemonade.

          “Not a lot, but it hasn’t been pleasant. His wife died giving birth to Judith, and then there was a sort-of-maybe thing with a woman who lived here but she died when a herd got in.” she explained.

          “That’s awful. I can’t imagine going through that.” She replied.

          “I can’t either. It kind of scares you off wanting any sort of relationship, you know? Losing a friend is hard but losing a boyfriend or husband is worse, I’d think.” She said, finishing up her sandwich.

          “I guess it works for some people. Glenn and Maggie seem happy anyway.” She shrugged. “What about you? Do you have any history?”

          Jocelynn looked at her and shook her head. “No, not after the end of the world anyway.”

          “And do you have any feelings towards Rick?” JJ asked carefully.

          “I don’t know.” She said with a sigh. “I mean, I kissed him back, but maybe I was just lonely or something.”

          “I’ve been lonely since all of this started, but I never thought to kiss one of my friends.” She said with a smirk.

          “I don’t know, I guess I’ve never really thought about it. I know that I care about him, and I enjoy being around him, and I feel safe with him.” She started, looking at her plate. “But I feel that way with other people too.”

          “Okay, but would you kiss those people?” JJ challenged.

          “Who are we kissing?” Penelope asked, coming into the kitchen.

          “Rick kissed Joce and has been acting weird since.” JJ said.

          “Rick as in fearless leader Rick? Suddenly making lunch isn’t my priority.” She said, walking over and sitting at the table. “Tell me all the details.”

          Jocelynn smiled some and told Penelope what had happened and where her and JJ had left off with their discussion.

          “Okay, can I be honest for a moment? It is so obvious that he has some feelings towards you, you can see it in the way he looks at you and acts with you. If I can continue to be honest, I think you may also have feelings towards him too, just based on what I’ve seen since being here.” Penelope said after getting the rundown.

          “I was gonna say the same thing, but I didn’t want to make you feel weird.” JJ admitted.

          Jocelynn looked at the two women and shook her head. “I don’t know about that. I mean, okay maybe I do have some feelings toward him but maybe he doesn’t feel the same way.”

          “He wouldn’t have kissed you if he didn’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s worried about the age gap. That’s the only potential downside I can see.” JJ shrugged.

          “It could very well be the age thing. Not that anyone cares about that stuff anyway, you’re both legal adults and it’s not like you’re freshly legal. I think you should talk to him about it. Then at least you’ll know where he stands.” Penelope said.

          “You’re probably right.” Jocelynn said and sighed. “If I get a chance, I’ll talk to him.”

          “Make a chance.” Penelope said, nudging her arm across the table.

          “Alright, I’ll make a chance.” Jocelynn laughed softly. “I should head back to my shift. Thank you both for listening to me ramble.” She stood up, taking her dishes to the sink.

          “Feel free to ramble anytime, it’s what friends are for.” Penelope smiled.

          She looked over at them and smiled. “The offer goes both ways.”

She hugged both women and headed out to finish up her shift, thinking about what they had said. She did have feelings for Rick, and the age thing didn’t bother her, but she didn’t want him to be uncomfortable if he even felt the same way. Plus, what would Carl think?           During the rest of the day, she had a few chances to talk to Rick, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had plenty of courage until she got face to face with him, and then it was all gone. When she was done with her work for the day, she started her walk home. As she passed the armory, she heard a familiar voice,

“Hey Joce.” Hotch said, coming out of the garage and shutting the door behind him.

She looked over at him and smiled, “Hey Hotch. Do they have you cleaning or counting today?”

“Both.” He said and came over to her. “I found out I’m a bit rustier with cleaning weapons than I thought.” He chuckled.

“Who knew we’d be learning in the apocalypse?” she teased.

“Are you heading home?” he asked, using a bandana to wipe his hands off.

“I am.” She nodded.

“Are you looking for some company?” he asked.

“I won’t turn it down, that’s for sure.” She smiled.

He walked with her down the sidewalk and towards her house. “How’ve you been doing since the run?” he asked her softly.

She figured that was coming. She hadn’t talked to him much since then and knew he’d be asking at some point. “I was a little shaken up that night, but I’ve been alright. It really wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

“No, it wasn’t, but it still happened and if it bothers you, you’re allowed to feel that way.” He said.

“Is that a profiler tip?” she asked and looked up at him with a half-smile.

“No, it’s a human tip.” He said, returning the smile. “I just noticed you seemed to be a little different the past few days and wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“That’s sweet of you, and I appreciate it. I guess I’ve been in a little bit of a funk but hopefully that’ll get better. How’s Reid?” she shifted the conversation.

“He’s doing fine. I think compared to what happened out on the road, that was a walk in the park.” He admitted.

“Did you guys have a lot of trouble?” she asked him.

“In the beginning it seemed to be a bit harsher, but as time went on, we only had two big issues. We ran into a bad group that couldn’t be reasoned with, and then there was the cabin.” He explained.     

“It’s crazy how different groups of people act so differently after the same event.” She said as they got to her house.

“It has to do with the leading individuals, I think. I’ll spare you the lecture though.” He said, walking her up to her door.

“I’d love to hear your take on it. We’ll raincheck the lecture.” She smiled.

“Just remember that you volunteered yourself for this.” He joked.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She joked back. “Thank you for keeping me company on my walk, and for checking in.”

“Anytime.” He smiled. “Have a good night, Joce.”

“You too, Hotch.” She said and headed inside, while Hotch headed home.

Jocelynn got through her shower and made herself some food for dinner since Glenn and Maggie were having dinner with Sasha, Rosita, Abraham, and Eugene. As she sat down to eat, she heard a knock on the door which caused her to sigh. So close to a warm meal. She went to the door and opened it, stiffening when she saw Rick at her doorstep.

“Hi.” She managed to get out. Last time he showed up at the house, things started getting weird and she wasn’t sure if this would make it worse or not.

“Hey, JJ said you had something you wanted to talk to me about.” He said.

She hadn’t managed to talk to Rick earlier, so apparently JJ had decided to lend a hand in making it happen. “Uh, yeah. Do you wanna come in?” she asked.

He nodded and came inside, shutting the door behind him. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

No, everything wasn’t okay. “Yeah, everything’s okay.” She said and leaned against the back of the couch.

He raised a brow and waited a moment before speaking up. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Okay, not everything is okay.” She sighed. “Rick, what’s going on? We were fine, everything was fine, and then you kissed me and now it’s like you can’t stand to be around me. If it was a mistake, then just say that and we’ll move on.” She shrugged.

“It wasn’t a mistake.” He started. “But I don’t think it’s something that can go any further.”

Why did she have a sinking feeling in her stomach when he said that? “How can it not be a mistake then? Just be clear with me.”

“It wasn’t a mistake because I chose to do it.” He explained.

“And I chose to do it back.” She added.

“I can’t lie to you and say that I don’t have feelings for you Jocelynn, but I don’t think we should act on them right now.” He said carefully, as if he was trying to find the right words.

She felt an ache in her chest when he said that which solidified to herself that she did have feelings for him. Hearing that he had feelings for her too, but didn’t want them to do anything about them, hurt more. “Okay.”

“That’s all you have to say?” he asked her.

“No. I feel the same way about you, but you’re probably right, we shouldn’t act on it.” She nodded.

He studied her features as she spoke. Her agreeing not to act hurt, even though he was the one to make the call. He didn’t want it to be this way, but he thought it was for the best, for them both. Knowing she felt the same way about him made him second guess that.

“I just want us to get back to normal. I miss giving you a hard time and getting a hard time in return.” She said and smiled some.

“We can.” He nodded. “Someone’s gotta keep your ego in check once in a while.” He said, attempting to joke with her.

“My ego? You’re one to talk, Sheriff.” She teased back with a small smile.

He laughed softly and nodded. “Right. Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

“Yeah, that’s all.” She nodded. “You promise we’re okay now?”

“I promise.” He said and looked at her.

“Pinky promise?” she asked and held her pinky out, trying her best to keep a straight face.

He looked at her finger and then at her, linking his pinky with hers. “Pinky promise.”

She unlinked their pinkies and nodded. “You should probably head home for dinner and stop goofing off with your neighbor.”

“Yeah, I probably should. I don’t know how I get anything done around here.” He smirked, heading out the door.

“I don’t know either.” She said and came over to the door. “Thanks for stopping by.”

“Thanks for having me.” He said and turned to face her. “Night, Joce.”

“Night, Rick.” She said and shut the door as he walked down her steps.

She let out a sigh before going into the kitchen and sitting down to eat her dinner. She managed to eat a couple bites before losing her appetite, putting the leftovers in the fridge, and heading up to her room.           She was glad that she and Rick were going to get back to normal, even if it wasn’t the outcome she was hoping for. She was going to do her best to push any feelings for him deep down so things could stay normal. If that’s what he wanted to do, that was what she was going to do.

[amiramorozova]

Best Friends to Eternal Lovers - Years till reuniting again

Months had gone by and that's when I'd heard about the war being over, he'd won the war and yet he was now wanted by the King. My family and I created our first family fake death as we were going to do whatever was necessary to stay alive. We went somewhere and waited it out till things were better. 

Months turned into years and Sierra was upset cause her fiance was killed..oh and did I mention she was pregnant? We did the best we could to calm her but it didn't help. Her stress levels were off the chart and she ended up losing the child as I heled her close. I didn't know what she was going through..well I partially knew. The rumors that the 'black heretic' as they were calling Aleksander now. Father was pissed in fact he tried to take everything that connected me to Aleks but I pushed him off keeping the jewelry. 

"He is not..they're wrong..Father I can find him. I can prove he's not power hungry." I said as father look displeased. 

When we resurfaced it had to be in sections first my grandparents, then my father, mother and Aunt and then me and my siblings. Anisa was dead and now I was Alysia so I had to stick with it going forward. We all had to do things and I was the rock for Sierra holding her strong after losing..everything. "You'll fall in love again." I said assuring her as Sierra was strong. 

Keeping focused was everything but then Aunt Analise caught the eye of a noble so we were able to live with a noble within Ravka. It was so serious that they married so now we had connections to nobility which wasn't bad. Yet they wanted us to walk around in nice clothes instead of our own so we were given things to wear. I didn't mind but it got annoying when the servants tried to nit pick at me for my necklace and ring as I reminded them I never took them off. 

All I could think about was Aleks so I just had to wait and hearing about another general with shadows I knew it was him. I could just feel it within my gut but then I heard that the king was wanting to build a 2nd army. I thought I was not hearing it right but I heard that kids were being tested to be Grisha. 

What are you doing Aleks? I thought 

After so long we were all being gathered for a party called a winter fete. My uncle by marriage insisted on bringing us along so I chose to give in and he dressed us up how he felt we needed to look. Sierra and my parents didn't mind as my grandparents were going to just stay in, my brother walked in with my dress as I sat at a vanity and looked at him in the mirror. "Time to get dressed up Amira" Aiden said 

I dressed up with my brother's help as he looked in the mirror we both knew I'd see Aleks tonight. "Hey, you get to see him again. You should smile." He said as I looked at my brother knowing it wasn't easy. "I hope so..last time was good but.." I knew I wanted to have kids and get married but I was waiting for a man..for him. "What if he's not your soulmate? You saw the marks on your mom and dad..what if you're meant for someone else." Aiden asked

"I want him Aiden..only him." I said as he nod in understanding. I couldn't explain why but I'd wait forever for him as we went. 

When we went I was just ready to get it over with as I wasn't one for parties but then I saw him. His eyes looked up meeting mine and I was just done up as if I was part of a noble family and he walked. I saw him motioning to people on where to go as he was leading and I felt so out of place. 

When the music started people were trying to get partners and a few nobles approached me but I turned them down. I wasn't interested in such things as I looked at my sister who had accepted a dance from a noble and I smiled knowing she was doing well. When I felt someone grab my hand I looked about to say something when I saw it was Aleks and he led me out there without my permission. I looked at him knowing he just took some random girl to the people here out on the dance floor as we started to dance to the music among people. 

"So, Alysia you seem very over dressed.." He whispered in my ear as we danced as it was easy for him to whisper to me considering he hovered over me even with two inch heels putting me at 5'5.. he was 6'1. "What can I say General? My aunt married into nobility." I said as he looked at me seeing I was serious knowing that it wasn't going to be easy to overlook this. 

In fact as we danced I saw my uncle by marriage looking at us and knowing the truth that I was betrothed to a General. Aleks was that General but that didn't mean that I liked the way things were right now. We danced for awhile before he took me out of there using shadows to get us out easily and to a large room. I guessed his war room as I kicked off the heels deciding to just deal with barefoot. Heels were the worse to wear in this day and age as I walked over seeing the table and the fold. 

"Current?" I asked as he nod and looked at the way things were on the table "I never wanted this to be the way it is..with the fold and grisha..I lost my temper. I used Merzost the forbidden science." He said as I looked over the map and seeing he was doing well. "And your healer?" I asked as I looked up and seen the pain in his eyes realizing maybe I shouldn't have asked. "I'm sorry.." I said as he shook his head and took my hand placing it on his cheek. "You never said it but you're right..you're the only one for me. You realized that when we were teenagers.." 

I was speechless knowing it wasn't going to be easy but he seemed to know some things. "How could you t-" he cut me off as he kissed me and I kissed him back. He lifted me up and sat me on on the table where nothing was in the way as we kissed. "When we were together in that forest..it showed you had more strength than I did..you're stronger than me in some ways." He said as I knew we couldn't be like this if anything went wrong. "I love you and we'll get our chance..but Baghra will still try to intervene." I said as He nod but kept hold of me. "Once I know I can keep you always, I'm never letting you go..maybe it's not this time..maybe we have to meet like this a few more times but I promise we'll have a life together." He said 

We spent time together while we could but he was right we couldn't be together yet as something caused us to go separate ways again.

This happened a few more times but soon we'll get that chance.

TagList: @lifeisingrey​,  @houseoftoomanyfandoms​, @mizelophsun11​, @budugu​ ,   @wheresthesunshinesblog  

[elsareyblog]

BPD & OCD, total madness

(ENGLISH translation)

Anna, 

Hello. How are you doing? I hope that very good. I share with you a fragment that is part of a larger document, where I write when I have inspiration about anything I feel I have to write about. It is a very messy archive, full of shameful intimacies and personal processes, which is made to be the last book of a great future literary career. Ha ha ha. Well, this is a part that came up on my dad's birthday. I started writing and this is the result. I am looking forward to reading your opinions on the matter.

Finally, I would ask you not to share what is written here with my dad because the only thing it would cause is him to be unnecessarily alarmed. My way of writing can be quite suggestive. Thank you.

Greetings.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Whenever I've been given a diagnosis, I've felt like they were partially right. Because let's say that I have always been a psychological hypochondriac. Although I don't know if it could be considered hypochondria when you are correct about your suspicions that you are missing a couple of screws. You feel it in others and in yourself.

However, I said “partially” because certain things didn't quite add up. Until they told me I had BPD combined with OCD. As I said, I had searched for these disorders myself and there were things that did correspond to my reality at that moment and others did not. Until things happened that awakened and enhanced both disorders and it became undeniable. My problems are most often explained by both disorders.

(Maybe - Tony Dize & Ken Y. Weird soundtrack to be writing this.)

No matter what I do, the answers to the questions I have about my own behavior are found in my diagnosis.

Now, looking back, I can say that they were always at the bottom of things but, depending on the time, they were more or less “asleep.” In my childhood the type of attachment I would have for the rest of my life was determined: disorganized. This would be the precursor to my BPD and a problem to constantly solve in future therapies. At the same time, OCD began to form, especially in the educational and sexual part of my life (this would not contribute to the characteristic presence of trauma in BPD either). It was the rise of OCD. In adolescence, the necessary things for the BPD to be complete were finished being brought up, it was trying to wake up but the repression of the OCD almost always won the battles. That's how I became a quiet teenager, who didn't cause much trouble other than a couple of jokes. Bah, I mean I never went out to party except for the 15th birthdays of people I knew. And there weren't many either. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't have relationships, I spent years without having any action with guys. I didn't give my family any problems, that place was occupied by my brother who was living his adolescence with dignity as everyone should. He was the one who arrived at dawn without permission, who had bad company, who smoked, etc.

I got my family used to it. To the lack of problems.

Until I was 18 when I got a boyfriend and decided to go live in a province I didn't know and where I had no one, just my partner of only 3 months. To be exact, one month after we established a relationship we started preparing for the move that was going to happen two months later. It was my first bad and hasty decision that would mark the next four years with too much mental and emotional pain. This was the first real boom of the TLP.

Living in isolation with my boyfriend, 4 years older than me, made my worst side and my first “hit rock bottom” come out. That first year of living together I lost a lot of weight because I stopped feeling hungry. I went days without missing food, I was satisfied with a cup of tea a day. However, in the mirror I could never see that change. I always looked the same. It was as the years went by and seeing the photos that I realized how I looked to others back then.

We stopped living together for a year and a half but maintained the relationship at a distance and in 2018 we returned to live together in the same province where we had no one. A year passed before he told me that he wanted to return to Chile to work, earn money and come back. By this point I no longer felt any love for that man. I let him go knowing how it was going to end. Not a month passed until the relationship ended. I cried one day and I never cried again.

2019, September and my singleness returns. Living in a lonely house, in a lonely province. With nobody. I started smoking cigarettes. The same day I ended my relationship, I tried my first pucho. I remember that I felt excited just seeing myself in the mirror smoking, breaking a little the rules that I had created for myself. I finished my first year in psychology with good grades, passing everything. Looking at boys and girls even though I did nothing. Making two friends. I decided to adopt two beautiful kittens who blessed my life. After having argued many times with my ex-boyfriend because I wanted to adopt a dog or a kitten and always receiving a rejection of almost all my wishes, I deigned to take that step. A year later Marquesa arrived. I slept with a guy once, it was a failure. The pandemic happened, my second year of psychology went like shit, I had to start again some subjects. There I did well again but I still had 3 subjects pending that (spoiler:) I would never study again and would crown my posthumous abandonment of the degree. I only had to take three exams to pass, but I never gathered the guts to come back. In short, 3 years of (almost) zero sex, university and what would be the real rise of OCD. This is where my obsessions regarding animal abuse and my own loneliness began. Gradually I stopped leaving my house unless it was in the early morning to look for the reasons for the noises, for the meows and howls. I slept from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., spending the nights awake and overwhelmed with paranoia. It was in this situation that I began treatment with what would be my last psychologist, psychiatrist and nutritionist. Everything would improve a lot (I straightened out my sleeping routines, I did physical exercise, diet, I got a job,...) until the arrival of a young man into my life who would mark the beginning of the control of BPD in my mind and my life.

My suicidal thoughts returned, with increasing volume. My fear of abandonment, my emotional instability, my impulsivity, my disorganized attachment that sometimes clung and sometimes pushed others away, all of this and more began during this nameless bond. They gave me home confinement. I gained a lot of weight, stopped exercising (although it was a really satisfying decision) and stopped treatment. By this point, it was evident that the diagnosis had been quite correct. But it still didn't wake up as much as it does now.

2023 and I feel like BPD is taking the reins of my life. This writing arises from a thought I had yesterday. I had smoked some marijuana. Enough so that my obsessive mind did its debates in low frequency, where I could barely hear it. I turned on my computer, took off my sneakers and so on. In the midst of all that, a thought comes to me strongly: The things you are doing, those impulsiveness that you have that are highly reprehensible socially, that carefree and rebellious side that you are bringing out, are taking you down a path that does not seem to  finish well. 

Sorry, I'm not doing the thought justice because that's not how it came. I didn't have it with so many explanations and turns. It was simply the phrase: BPD is leading you to death in its own way. No self-harming behavior, no suicide attempts, no pill overdoses. But in another way.

I have very marked ups and downs of mood. I can be very sad or very happy. When I'm in a really good mood, I do most of my stupid things. Of my impulsive decisions, of my socially strange and reckless acts. Like having melon with wine outside of my work, smoking cannabis at work dinner, or going to Villa Carlos Paz at the house of a boy I didn't know well, without cellphone to communicate nor acquaintances in that place. Etc. The list is a little longer and increasingly bizarre. In that state, perhaps a little euphoric, I feel like I don't care about anything. That I'm fine, that there is a solution for everything, that nothing is too serious. That nothing stops me, that I am beautiful, strange and sensual. I feel like I like my lolita side, and people's reaction to my face or eyes. In those times is when I spend money giving unnecessary gifts to people just to thank them, making myself look a little strange to others. But they like me a little better when I'm like this. Except my bosses. Although I think even they like it when I am like that, it's just still wrong.

When I am sad is when my feet return to the ground, I isolate myself again, I regret everything I did under the effects of that untitled joy. Because…, it's very easy to know if I'm really happy or maniacally happy: you ask me why I'm like this and if I don't know how to answer it, it's because it's just the result of my emotional instability and not because there is a context that gives me genuine happiness.

However, despite the alarm that the phrase “which is leading me to death” suggests, which is dramatically negative, it is not without a good side. I have spent most of my life repressed, doing whatever causes the least chaos, whatever helps me go unnoticed in the lives of most of the people who have known me. Without stories to tell, without friends to share them with, without intimate experiences that lead to self-knowledge, without anything valuable in short. Having spent a decade in deep and constant depression. The beast must awaken eventually. The side effects of transgressed childhood sexuality, a broken home, and a superficial society had to make their arrival. I am overwhelmed and on the edge but it is a noisy release of a lot of repressed pain. I have to roar like a dragon and spit out all the fire that is in my dark soul full of secrets. At the end of all that I will have my rest, my peace of mind back, I will finally have my satisfaction with the story I am making of my life and everything will be better. I will be a mother, I will have a family and my life will last as long as my mental health is willing to cooperate. In part I have come to the intuition, not to say conviction, that I will not have a very long life. I have felt it in my chest since I was 6 years old, when I looked at my trembling fingers like those of Pope John Paul II (I think it was him). I have always felt in the abyss of things, in the imminent end of everything. I can't imagine life without that feeling, so I think it exists for a reason. Maybe I sense my destiny.

Nowadays, I want to fight against that a little because I don't want to die as much as before.

I just had another strong thought: Maybe I'm taking myself to a point of no return, a bit risky, to punish myself for not doing anything for my ex-partner's dog.. 

I don't know how to get his address so that he can get someone to take him away from the dog and she can be better. Every day that passes is a punishment of mental guilt because it's another day that he could be doing anything to his dog. I don't know how to get it because there is no other person who would be suspected of doing that other than me. Which would lead me to be a little exposed to the danger of a guy over 40 years old, angry and aggressive, with a brother who recently got out of prison and handled weapons. Plus that whole situation is more than I can handle.

All this helplessness and all the joy I may feel makes me make decisions that expose me to too much.

Or maybe it's just taking a self-justifying attitude because of the guilt I carry, looking for excuses for my behavior, and in reality I'm just a terrible person.

In any case, all is not lost.

I still stand by my most fundamental principles. I feel like I've lost everything else or that it's getting out of hand, because it's not adapting very well to what's right in society. Being like this, I get into trouble often and each one is worse than the last. (Sometimes I suspect that I also have some degree of autism, because I don't understand the world like others to a degree that it is absurd to explain.) However, Selene, especially from childhood, is more present than ever. She is throwing a tantrum inside me that is necessary and relieving. It's just that I also need a little restraint so that my life doesn't go completely to shit.

However, I am not willing to admit prohibitions, nor another home confinement or anything like that. I only recognize that I am aware that I am not well even though I laugh a lot, talk more and be more sociable. My mom thinks I'm better than before, I just overdo it sometimes. I don't know if “being better” is entirely correct, but rather I am acting a little more normal but at a very late age: 26 years old. I look less like a zombie, which is how I was before all this. Nothing was happening in my life, I didn't cause problems but I wasn't a person who acted normal either. I went from one side to the opposite in a short time, from doing nothing to doing anything.

It happens that... many things made me understand that almost everything lost its meaning. That I don't want to be like the others. That I'm fine doing my thing. That Gabriel is my karma because he is everywhere in my life without really being there. But that's it, he's already dead and it's not worth crying. But to enjoy the havoc it has caused, of which having found myself as a woman back is one of them. My sensuality back, the one he sullied. Almost nothing matters anymore. The aggressiveness of nature fills every piece of the world and life, fighting against it is a guaranteed defeat. Feel guilty because it is your minimum deserved punishment for the bad acts you have had. Do with that guilt what you can, what your mental health can. And then, live intensely so that the day you die you have reasons to shed your last tears.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

(ESPAÑOL original)

Anna, 

Hola. ¿Cómo está? Espero que muy bien. Le comparto un fragmento que es parte de un documento más amplio, donde escribo cuando tengo inspiración sobre cualquier cosa de la que sienta que tengo que escribir. Es un archivo muy desordenado, lleno de intimidades vergonzosas y procesos personales, que está hecho para ser el último libro de una gran carrera literaria futura. Jajaja. Bueno, esto es una parte que surgió el día de cumpleaños de mi papá. Me puse a escribir y salió esto. Estoy atenta a leer sus opiniones al respecto. 

Por último, sí le pediría que no comparta lo que está escrito aquí con mi papá pues lo único que provocaría es que se alarme innecesariamente. Mi forma de escribir lo puede sugestionar bastante. Gracias. 

Saludos.

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Siempre que me han dado un diagnóstico, sentía que estaban parcialmente en lo correcto. Porque digamos que siempre he sido una hipocondríaca psicológica. Aunque no sé si se podría considerar hipocondría cuando estás en lo correcto respecto a tus sospechas de que te faltan un par de tornillos. Lo sientes en los demás y en ti misma. 

Sin embargo, dije “parcialmente” porque por ahí ciertas cosas no terminaban de encajar. Hasta que me dijeron que tenía TLP combinado con TOC. Como dije, yo había buscado por mí misma estos trastornos y habían cosas que sí se correspondían con mi realidad de ese momento y otras no. Hasta que pasaron cosas que despertaron y potenciaron ambos trastornos y se volvió innegable. Mis problemas la mayoría de veces se explican por ambos trastornos. 

(Quizás - Tony Dize & Ken Y. Raro soundtrack para estar escribiendo esto.)

No importa qué haga, las respuestas a las preguntas que me surgen de mi propio comportamiento se encuentran en mi diagnóstico. 

Ahora, mirando al pasado puedo decir que siempre estuvieron en el fondo de las cosas pero, según la época, estaban más o menos “dormidos”. En mi infancia se determinó el tipo de apego que tendría el resto de mi vida: desorganizado. Esto sería el precursor para mi TLP y un problema a solucionar constantemente en futuras terapias. Al mismo tiempo, el TOC empezó a formarse, sobre todo en la parte educacional y sexual de mi vida (esto tampoco colaboraría para la característica presencia de traumas en el TLP). Era el auge del TOC. En la adolescencia se terminaron de remover las cosas necesarias para el TLP, que estaba queriendo despertar pero la represión del TOC ganaba casi siempre las batallas. Así fue como fui una adolescente tranquila, que no daba demasiado problema más que un par de chascarrillos. Bah, me refiero a que no salía nunca de fiesta más que a cumpleaños de 15 de gente conocida. Y no fueron muchos tampoco. No tomaba, no fumaba, no tenía relaciones, pasé años sin tener nada de acción con chicos. No le daba problemas a mi familia, ese lugar estaba ocupado por mi hermano que sí estaba viviendo dignamente su adolescencia como deben hacer todos. Él era el que llegaba a la madrugada sin permiso, que tenía mala junta, que fumaba, etc. 

Acostumbré a mi familia a eso. A la falta de problemas. 

Hasta que a los 18 me puse de novia y decidí irme a vivir a una provincia que no conocía y en la que no tenía a nadie, con mi pareja de hace apenas 3 meses. Para ser exactos, al mes de novios empezamos con los preparativos de la mudanza que iba a ocurrir dos meses después. Fue mi primera mala y precipitada decisión que marcaría los siguientes cuatro años con demasiado dolor mental y emocional. Este fue el primer auténtico auge del TLP. 

La convivencia aislada con mi novio, 4 años mayor que yo, hizo que mi peor lado y mi primer “tocar fondo” salieran. Ese primer año de convivencia adelgacé un montón porque había perdido la capacidad de sentir apetito. Pasaba días sin extrañar la comida, me saciaba con una taza de té al día. Sin embargo, en el espejo nunca pude ver ese cambio. Yo siempre me veía igual. Fue con el pasar de los años y viendo las fotos que me di cuenta cómo me veía para los demás.  

Dejamos de convivir un año y medio pero manteniendo la relación a distancia y en 2018 volvimos a vivir juntos en la misma provincia donde no teníamos a nadie. Pasó un año hasta que me dijo que quería volver a Chile para trabajar, juntar plata y volver. Para este punto yo ya no sentía amor alguno por ese hombre. Dejé que se fuera sabiendo cómo iba a terminar. No pasó un mes hasta que la relación terminó. Lloré un día y no volví a llorar jamás. 

2019, septiembre y vuelve mi soltería. Viviendo en una casa sola, en una provincia sola. Sin nadie. Empecé a fumar cigarrillos. El mismo día que terminé mi relación, probé mi primer pucho. Me acuerdo que sentí excitación de sólo verme al espejo fumando, rompiendo un poco las reglas que yo misma me había creado. Terminé mi primer año en psicología con buenas notas, aprobando todo. Mirando chicos y chicas aunque no hacía nada. Haciendo dos amigas. Decidí adoptar dos gatitos hermosos que bendijeron mi vida. Después de haber discutido muchas veces con mi ex novio porque quería adoptar un perrito o un gatito y de siempre recibir una negativa a casi todos mis deseos, me digné a tomar ese paso. Un año después llegó Marquesa. Me acosté con un chico una vez, fue un fracaso. Pasó la pandemia, me fue como la mierda en el segundo año de psicología, tuve que recursar. Ahí me volvió a ir bien pero me quedaron pendientes 3 materias que (spoiler:) no volvería a estudiar jamás y coronarían mi póstumo abandono a la carrera.  En resumen, 3 años de (casi) cero sexo, universidad y lo que sería el auténtico auge del TOC. Aquí empezaron mis obsesiones respecto al maltrato animal y a mi propia soledad. Gradualmente dejé de salir de mi casa a menos que fuera en la madrugada para buscar las razones de los ruidos, de los maullidos y aullidos. Dormía de 10 a 20 hs, pasaba las noches despiertas y abrumada de paranoias. En esta situación fue que comencé el tratamiento con los que serían mis últimos psicólogo, psiquiatra y nutricionista. Todo mejoraría mucho (enderecé mis rutinas de sueño, hacía ejercicio físico, dieta, estudiaba,...) hasta la llegada de un jóven a mi vida que marcaría el inicio del control del TLP en mi mente y mi vida. 

Volvieron mis pensamientos suicidas, cada vez con más volúmen. Mi miedo al abandono, mi inestabilidad emocional, mi impulsividad, mi apego desorganizado que a veces se aferraba y a veces alejaba al resto, todo esto y más empezó durante este vínculo sin nombre. Me hicieron internación domiciliaria. Subí mucho de peso, dejé de hacer ejercicio (aunque fue una decisión francamente satisfactoria) y abandoné el tratamiento. Para este punto, era evidente que el diagnóstico había sido bastante correcto. Pero todavía no despertaba tanto como ahora. 

2023 y siento que el TLP está tomando las riendas de mi vida. Este escrito surge a partir de un pensamiento que tuve ayer. Había fumado un poco de marihuana. Lo suficiente como para que mi mente obsesiva hiciera sus debates en baja frecuencia, donde casi no la podía escuchar. Encendí mi compu, me saqué las zapatillas y demás. En medio de todo eso, un pensamiento llega fuerte a mí: Las cosas que estás haciendo, esas impulsividades que tienes que son altamente reprochables socialmente, ese lado despreocupado y rebelde que estás sacando, te están llevando por un camino que no parece que vaya a terminar bien. Perdón, no le estoy haciendo justicia al pensamiento pues no es así como llegó. No lo tuve con tantas explicaciones y vueltas. Fue simplemente la frase: el TLP te está conduciendo a la muerte a su manera. Sin conductas autolesivas, sin intentos de suicidios, sin sobredosis de pastillas. Pero de otra manera. 

Tengo altibajos muy marcados de ánimo. Puedo estar muy triste o muy alegre. Cuando estoy de muy buen ánimo, hago la mayoría de mis estupideces. De mis decisiones impulsivas, de mis actos socialmente extraños e imprudentes. Como tomar melón con vino fuera de mi trabajo, fumar en la cena de trabajo, ir a Carlos Paz a la casa de un chico que no conocía demasiado, sin celular ni conocidos en ese lugar. Etcétera. La lista es un poquito más larga y cada vez más bizarra. En ese estado, quizás un poco eufórico, siento que no me importa nada. Que estoy re bien, que para todo hay solución, que nada es demasiado grave. Que nada me para, que soy linda, rara y sensual. Siento que me gusta mi lado lolita, la reacción de la gente ante mi cara. Ahí es cuando gasto plata en hacer regalos innecesarios a gente sólo para agradecerles, resultando un poco rara para los demás. Pero les caigo un poco mejor cuando estoy así. Exceptuando a mis jefes. Aunque creo que hasta a ellos les gusta cuando me encuentro de esa forma, sólo que sigue sin estar bien. 

Cuando estoy triste es cuando mis pies vuelven a la tierra, vuelvo a aislarme, me arrepiento de todo lo que hice bajo los efectos de esa alegría sin título. Pues es muy fácil saber si estoy realmente feliz o maniaticamente feliz: me preguntas por qué estoy así y si no sé responderte es porque es sólo fruto de mi inestabilidad anímica y no porque haya un contexto que me dé genuina felicidad. 

No obstante, a pesar de la alarma que sugiere la frase “que me está conduciendo a la muerte”, que es dramáticamente negativa, no carece de lado bueno. He pasado la mayoría de mi vida reprimida, haciendo lo que menos caos provoque, lo que ayude a pasar desapercibida en la vida de la mayoría de la gente que me ha conocido. Sin historias que contar, sin amigos con quienes compartirlas, sin experiencias íntimas que llevan al autoconocimiento, sin nada valioso en resumen. Habiendo pasado una década en profunda y constante depresión. La bestia debía despertar eventualmente. Los efectos secundarios de la sexualidad infantil transgredida, del hogar roto y la sociedad superficial tenían que hacer su flamante llegada. Estoy desbordada y al límite pero es un descargue ruidoso de mucho dolor reprimido. Tengo que bramar como un dragón y escupir todo el fuego que hay en mi alma oscura y llena de secretos. Al final de todo eso tendré mi descanso, mi tranquilidad de vuelta, tendré mi satisfacción con la historia que estoy haciendo de mi vida por fin y todo será mejor. Seré madre, tendré una familia y mi vida durará lo que mi salud mental esté dispuesta a colaborar. En parte he llegado a la intuición, por no decir convicción, de que yo no tendré una vida muy larga. Lo siento en el pecho desde los 6 años, cuando miré mis dedos temblorosos como los del papa Juan Pablo II (creo que era él). Siempre me he sentido en el abismo de las cosas, en el fin inminente de todo. No me imagino la vida sin esa sensación, por lo que pienso que existe por una razón. Quizás presiento mi destino. 

Hoy en día, quiero luchar un poco contra eso porque ya no quiero morir tanto como antes. 

Acabo de tener otro pensamiento fuerte: Quizás estoy llevándome a un punto de no retorno, un poco arriesgado, para castigarme por no hacer nada por la perra de mi ex compañero. 

No sé cómo obtener su dirección para que le caiga alguien que lo aparte de la perra y ésta pueda estar mejor. Todos los días que pasan son un castigo de culpa mental porque es otro día que él le podría estar haciendo cualquier cosa a su perra. No sé cómo conseguirla pues no hay otra persona de quien sospecharían que haría eso más que en mí. Lo cual me llevaría a estar un poco expuesta al peligro de un tipo de más de 40 años, enojado y agresivo, con un hermano que hace poco salió de la cárcel y manejaba armas. Además de que toda esa situación es más de lo que yo puedo manejar. 

Toda esta impotencia y toda la alegría que pueda sentir hace que tome decisiones que me exponen a demasiado. 

O quizás sólo es tomar una actitud justificativa por la culpa que llevo, buscando excusas por mi comportamiento, y en realidad soy simplemente una pésima persona. 

En cualquier caso, no todo está perdido. 

Todavía mantengo mis principios más fundamentales. Siento que he perdido todo el resto o que se está yendo de mis manos, porque no se está adaptando muy bien a lo que es correcto en la sociedad. Al ser así, me meto en problemas seguido y cada uno es peor que el anterior. (A veces sospecho que algún grado de autismo también tengo, porque no comprendo el mundo como los demás a un grado que es absurdo explicarlo.) No obstante, la Selene, sobre todo de la infancia, está más presente que nunca. Está haciendo un berrinche en mi ser que resulta necesario y aliviador. Sólo que también hace falta un poco de contención para que mi vida no se vaya completamente a la mierda. 

Sin embargo no estoy dispuesta a prohibiciones, ni otra internación domiciliaria ni nada por el estilo. Sólo reconozco que soy consciente que no estoy bien aunque me ría mucho, converse más y sea más sociable. Mi mamá considera que estoy mejor que antes sólo que me excedo a veces. Yo no sé si “estar mejor” sea del todo correcto, sino que estoy actuando un poco más normal pero a una edad muy tardía: 26 años. Parezco menos un zombie, que es como estaba antes de todo esto. Nada pasaba en mi vida, no daba problemas pero tampoco era una persona que actuaba normal. Pasé de un lado a lo opuesto en poco tiempo, de no hacer nada a hacer cualquier cosa. 

Pasa que… muchas cosas me hicieron entender que casi todo perdió el sentido. Que no quiero ser como los demás. Que estoy bien haciendo lo mío. Que el Gabriel es mi karma porque está en todos lados de mi vida sin estar realmente. Pero que ya está, ya es un muerto que no vale llorar. Sino disfrutar los estragos que ha causado, de los cuales el haberme encontrado como mujer de vuelta es uno de ellos. Mi sensualidad de vuelta, la que él mancilló. Ya casi nada importa. La agresividad de la naturaleza llena todo pedazo de mundo y vida, luchar contra eso es una derrota asegurada. Siente culpa porque es tu castigo mínimo merecido por los actos malos que has tenido. Haz con esa culpa lo que puedas, lo que tu salud mental pueda. Y luego, vive intensamente para que el día que mueras tengas por qué derramar tus últimas lágrimas.