#god i wish i had a therapist
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thoughts, repeating.
#art#sketch#digital art#ocd#wish i could clear my brain cache sometimes!#but no instead everything that ever happens to me is a cognitohazard#anything can be my brain's favourite chew toy#there's nothing more to extract from that thought but sure let's run into it like a knife a million times#and it becomes habit that reinforces itself. i will wake up thinking thank god im not having the thought right now! oh! surprise!#i don't wish my memory was worse but i wish it knew how to let go#one beautiful day when im in a place more long term i will find a therapist that can help hopefully#also im doing fine mostly!!!!!!#ive been meaning to draw this for a while just havent had the time and im slowly smoothing it over
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She’s married she’s married she’s married she’s married (to a man to a man to a man to a man)
#I need to stop imprinting on women with PhDs#I need to just be regular friends and colleagues with them#the first one is straight#this one is maybe bi but more importantly married#but god why does every conversation feel so flirty#the women I go on actual dates with are not as affectionate in casual conversation as she is#I really wish I could date normally and I really wish I could make friends/do networking normally#but dating doesn’t really work for me because I really need to get to know someone before I can determine if I have feelings#but clearly I only develop crushes and feelings on women that are completely uninterested in me romantically#my therapist calls that self sabotage but I don’t think she can fully understand how confusing demisexuality is#like I feel a connection with the people I feel a connection with and that has never once happened for me going on dates#it only happens with people I get to know really well platonically first with absolutely no thought or pressure of theoretical romance#I would fucking love it if I could go on three dates with a girl and feel anything other than ‘we get along well and I had a nice time’#I would fucking love if I could just make out with someone casually and it not be incredibly uncomfortable for me#but no instead I just develop really intense friendships with women that see me like a little sister and I don’t a#and I don’t say anything because I don’t want to make things weird#my hormones are all over the place#we haven’t talked in awhile but we’re chatting about what crafting projects we’re each working on#so I’m feeling vulnerable and emotional
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Hey Queenie, I wanted to leave another comment on your page again (this probably won’t the last hehehe I hope you don’t mind!) because I completely forgot to mention that in your The Almosts series, I loved the argument scene with Chris and Josh in their dorm room when Josh drops out of his course - it shows the true skill of a writer because I don’t think any cutscene of a video game or a TV show or a movie of this scene could ever capture what you wrote. I loved that there was so much angst and tension and you write angst so well. When I read that I was literally sitting at the edge of my seat because the scene was so tense and I was so excited to see how the rest of the scene would pan out. Even before the events of the main game, I loved how all of the characters were so fleshed out and I was going to say you made them three dimensional interesting characters, but I think you went beyond the three dimensions hahahaha! I love how you made all the characters grey characters, like you wrote Ashley as feeling very guilty for her actions but also so angry at Josh for acting this way, I thought that was so interesting! And I found myself legitimately feeling scared at times based on the way Josh was acting, you captured grief spectacularly! You wrote Josh so realistically in terms of his mental health - at times he would be goofing off and having a blast with the others, but then he would get so angry at times and try to lash out at his friends and sort of provoke them and deliberately try to make them angry? You portray mental health so realistically, and you show the ugly sides of it and I think that is so interesting, you even gave Josh a rationale for designing his elaborate revenge scheme but you also showed us how it did not make sense at the same time. I loved how you seamlessly added traces of Josh’s mental health throughout the game, and you could really see the way his relationship had become strained with the others. I can tell you really analysed and researched the game and wrote accordingly to that even the way you wrote the others was so spot on like them being conflicted and not knowing whether to feel upset with the way Josh was acting due to his grief. I loved the therapist analogy with the princess, prince, father and the bull, that was so smart, my jaw literally dropped because that was such a smart literary device (maybe because I’m a psychology major but I loved that)! Thank you again for writing this I’m definitely going to reread this book ❤️❤️
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oh man, i don't even know what to say - you've got me all emotional over here!!!!!!!
i'll let you in on a (not-so-secret) secret: i, too, was a psych major once...and then a straight-up psychologist for a minute afterwards, so the desire to DIG DEEP into characters is just sort of a curse i live with. every day. constantly. all the time. hheheheheheheheh
honestly, when i set out to write t(a), wanting to portray josh's side of the story in a more realistic way was at the tip, tip, tippy-top of my list of things i wanted to accomplish. i think a lot of people, myself included, who played the game were left with sort of a bad taste in our mouths regarding how his whole deal was handled, so i really tried to walk the tightrope between "josh washington deserved better" and "this was always going to be a fucking tragedy and things were always going to hurt."
thank you so much for your KIND AND WONDERFUL words, and thank you too for taking the time to read my stuff!!! i am genuinely teary-eyed rn and i've only just finished breakfast, so i can only IMAGINE what the rest of the day will be like, hahaha!!
#galaxyrainbowcat#asks#the almosts#mannnn im just gonna lie down and make high pitched keening noises for a while hehehehehehe#and omg i WISH i could claim the bull/princess/prince/king game for myself but alas#it was a little puzzle in silent hill: shattered memories that i plucked for my own use sdklfjsklf early on when i was writing t(a)#and i mean EARLY ON!!!! i had this dumb little idea that i'd drop hints alan was friends w the therapist IN the silent hill games skldfjks#that fell by the wayside but the device remained. :P there's actually a pretty funny game grumps clip out there somewhere where they play i#if i remember correctly#GOD it's been a million years since ive watched a game grump askdljflaksdjfkasjdf#ANYWAY. THIS MADE ME SMILE VERY MUCH. thank you again 🥹
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I'm working on a project on my computer and vaping, this is the closest I've been to my normal pain level in days. I know it won't last, especially not when I'm trying to sleep later.
Trying to ignore the guilt of disappearing from work for three days, when the last time I did that it was my mental breakdown two years ago.
#it's not like then#not really#I mean it is and it isn't#my physical health was/is in a point of decline and the fear of pushing myself too hard became/is becoming too much#but I've grown so much in the last two years#I'm not gonna lie#sometimes I wish I had quit the work force back then#I obviously couldn't have predicted the sharp decline of my physical health over the course of this calendar year#but it happened#so the day to day question becomes now what?#now what do I do with myself/my life/my time/my energy/my independence/my god knows what else#nothing I am physically capable of doing is going to fulfill me and the things that fulfill me are now out of reach#so what fucking now?#I think this is it folks#I think it's time to start planning my exit strategy from the work force#and I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do that when we literally just bought a condo#and I have therapy tomorrow too so I get to try and relay all this to my therapist in just half an hour lol#I don't regret dropping down to maintenance sessions#but sometimes you just need more time#tomorrow I'll get on the phone and be like ohmygodjoshitsbeensuchafuckingweek#ihadaflareupsobadicalledoutofatotaloffourdaysofworkandleftearlybythreehoursoneday#andnowimhavingcompletefearsaboutbeingsocompletelyincapacitatedthatillneverleavethehouseagain#and he'll be like well first of all BREATHE#second of all there's nothing indicating that this is unlike every other flare up that you've managed to fight through after a week plus#and then I'll be like butwhatifimstuckhomewithkaren24/7andshedrivesmebatshitwhenicantleaveonmyown?#and then he'll be like what did I just say about breathing?#but then he'll point out that the point of us moving is so we can get more space and be able to separate ourselves from her more#and then I'll cycle back to but she won't see reason and take the downstairs bedroom now instead of god knows how long down the line#trust me we do this every two weeks lol
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anyone else in a deadend job and has no idea what theyre doing with their life. no? just me? okay great
#i dont know what to do.#how do you go from working customer service > to an office job or something IT#you have to go fucking study it and i dont want to go even more into debt than i already fucking am#i dont want to be in debt in the first place but i cant do anything about that#i wish i had just. not done lvl5 hospitality why did i do it? im so stupid like i fucking dropped out so its fucking useless to me anyways#i dropped it cause my fucking life went fucking down hill and it hasnt stopped#going downhill since then#ever since 2020 everything that could go wrong for someone it has happened to me#i just wish i had something nice going for me but i have nothing and i dont know how to get out of this situation because i am just stuck#speaking#im venting here and on twitter god i cant even afford a fucking therapist either to help with this situation
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man. thinking about how my insurance is out of network i feel so fucked i have so much money owed in therapy bills. literally over 1k bc of my weird insurance happenings and also bc idk if insurance was even doing its thing before i dont know and just other various things im sure i've forgotten. man.
#and i have no insurance card picture to upload from the medicaid i had in jan-mar none at all it's a damn scrap of PAPER. sigh.#it's less an ohhh nooo me not in therapy i dont feel the way i did last year when it was really I Need To Be Here but like. idk. idk#it's more just frustrating. all of it. all of it is so frustrating the situation and myself too are frustrating me#sometimes i just wish this shit was easier. i need to remember to send info to my therapist bc i forgot to text him back#and then i got embarrassed about it instead of just doing it and i still feel embarrassed and i have to email a place back and#i have to write a cover letter and submit a job app to who even knows if the position is available anymore and i just have so many things#and im failing at all of them poorly bc im actually an honest to god failure. whatever man.#at least i maybe hopefully get to go to the comic store tomorrow. maybe that will be fun#im gonna try and pick up some issues for friends. bc that is one of my summer tasks for myself bc i like sending comics to friends.#and i should get started on that.#vent.txt#< this got whinier and more self pitying miserable than i intended ahem. apologies.
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oh...
#i really wish my mom could have called me her daughter at least once before she died#but that's something she never would have done...#god i miss the mom she used to be#before she got all angry and bigoted#i remember her being so supportive of Chaz Bono#she used to be safe. she used to like queer people. she had lesbians offering to be with her and she genuinely considered it#but she changed and became more Christian and more judgemental and more angry#i told her i was trans a couple months before she died and she said 'no you arent' and then made it about her#sorry for using tumblr for sharing things i should probably talk to a therapist about#vent
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I really be cursed for everyone I meet to just end up using me huh
#I live the next town over from a college town#that’s like. everyone fucking hates the college kids#especially cause this particular school it’s all just assholes with rich parents#unfortunately for me it’s also full of cool looking alt people who keep fucking me over#cause I fall for the crust pants and platforms and cool hair#then suddenly I’m talking them outta suicide every night and basically parenting them#like full on making sure they’re getting food this recent one giving him a place to crash so he didn’t have to live with his ex#driving them around paying for everything despite the fact they’re unemployed and their rich ass parents buy them everything#meanwhile I actually work and am struggling to pay my bills every month#I can’t afford to feed myself but god knows they’re getting everything they could ever want#and still being ungrateful and rude#and I’ll be like hey maybe u should go to a professional yk im not a therapist I can’t help with ur whole suicidal thing#and they get mad at me and throw me away cause oh no they have to work on themselves and take accountability#I’m not gonna keep spoon feeding some fucker who’s gotten life on a silver platter#idk there’s two very different sides to punks I’ve met#there’s either punks who are punk cause they have been through hell and fucked over by the universe and have a genuine understanding of the#beliefs it comes with and the morals#and there’s the punks who maybe sure like the music and the style but have never had to so much as raise their voice to be heard#never had to fight for anything#which isn’t inherently bad I wish I was that lucky#but they’re never really aware of that privilege and just expect to be handed everything#and get pissed if they are expected to be held accountable for being an asshole#ghost rambles
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✨️Magenta🔥
#looking at the mental health and therapy positions open in my area#therapists are leaving left and right that a clinic i used to work at that treated me like utter shit is almost offering 140k in salary#to keep folks retained#i remember just a few years ago the max a therapist made there was 75k#seeing other places too where its like 67 to 85 an hr with sign on bonuses upward to 5k#its not a good sign professionals are leaving in droves#but damn it do i wish i had my license already so i could hop on and not live in poverty for a hot minute#im not fooling myself based on how inflation and the economy is running if you make over 100k its gonna be like making less than 45k#cause we getting gutted#but still god damn it#i got 2 and a half more years to go#fuck if i made that much right now i could get out of debt and spend a good chunk on people that need it#cause i don't need much else to keep my ass happy#this is the little flag that gives me hope#I'll be able to make a living doing something i love and helping people and getting my damn fucking bread#if i could make a living full time writing tho that would be fucking amazing#same thing with my voice over stuff too#god theres so much i aspire to do i got the ambition for it alright#but i got the disability that makes me take ten steps back and i live in a capitalistic hellscape that wants me tired and exhausted to where#i can't accomplish anything else but keeping the machine going#i feel like my writing sucks lately thats probably just burnout but god damn#this got bleak#k magenta can go fuck itself lets reword this jay#you're gonna get your license you're gonna have SOME FUCKING STABILITY you're gonna help people you're gonna be content and#you're gonna get your mother fucking bread that you've been promised#magenta mother fuckers magenta
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I really just cant help it can I
#vic.txt#god I need help#i need to get a fucking therapist that can actually work with me#i have so many fucking issues and I cant keep hurting people like this#im so#fucking#broken inside#and i cant stop being that way#and all I'm doing is hurting the people I love#because deep down I wish I had never existed at all#not like this#not as me#this existence#my own private eternity#is worse than the fores in the deepest pits of hell#and i cant reconcile my existence with the lives i've swept through#and i still feel#permanent#like I'm doomed to always be this#be me#be The Mortaine#forever#i'll never meet the bartender because the man behind the bar isnt me
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i actually cant do this
#im literally the dumbest person i know#everyone else works so much harder and they get so much done#even the way they talk is motivated even if they say its not#everyone is so smart and im slow and cant get anything done correctly or on time#i wish i got straight a's i wish i had something to prove myself#all i have to go on is numbers that dont even matter because nobody takes them#im just some lazy piece of shit who happens to be good at test taking#i dont know anything#im failing my clasdes again#i can barely keep myself above a 3.0#how much time will it take to get me fixed ???? everyone says its a slow process and you have to find what works for you#but i dont know what works for me and neither does anybody else#every therapist i talk to is at a loss w wht to do with me#am i trying ??? am i worse off than i thought????#i tell myself i can function like anyone else but i cant even prove that#im undeserving of what i have#i get stressed when anythinf good happens to me whrn other people would kill for this opportunity#God strike me down ive wasted my years here i cant keep this up#i ddont deserve the painful death i want#Haha okay im over it
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The worst thing about falling apart later is that by all accounts, you should be fine bc everything else is finally fine.
But nope. You finally reach a point of safety, of stability, and then your 3 lbs of electric tapioca pudding goes AH! YES! NOW WE CAN MELTDOWN!
#mental health#search: how to fix myself without therapy bc I don’t want anybody else that close#related: how to release tight shoulders and hips#that ‘grandma’s tits’ Finn who said why drive for therapy when there’s wood to split and stack was Right#I love living in the middle of nowhere most of the time but goddamn sometimes I do wish I was within easy driving time of#a physical therapist who specializes in autistic folks and a somatic therapist to help reset these damned nerves#I support medication intervention but I have had SO MANY bad reactions to Rx meds in the past that I just don’t trust it#maxalt?? worse migraines somehow. oh god I remember being laid out for three days that last time I took it.#hydrocodone??? I projectile vomited at LEAST three feet out#doxy has me clinging to the side of a gravitron
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had an ok day at the magicky market but like most things i blew through everything in less time than it took me to drive there and was left feeling more lonely and impotent of happiness than when i started the day. spent too much money on things i could live without just to make the gas money and driving time worth it. tomorrow is kesha day which'll be even MORE driving and so much standing around by myself i just hope ill be able to muster up energy for when the concert actually starts. if i get depressionblocked again i might actually drive off a cliff
#it speaks#hanging out with yourself is hard man#ive been prescribed 'make more friends' by my therapist but that is also hard god damn do i wish i had the audacity of a 16y/o me again#i was stupid as fuck but at least i went after things#i will also commit vehicular self harm if i have to endure another attempt at socializing ending in an awkward petering out#me googling 'what combination of looks and personality will get others to desire my attention. quickest route no freeways'
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I just love having that specific cocktail of Something Wrong With Me™, that makes my mind super easily jump to and spiral into thoughts that frame me as a gross disgusting monster that inherently hurts anyone who's really close to me. I actually like. Really love having that :))))))) I really enjoy feeling like I need to keep myself away from everyone else lest I Taint them with my overflowing predatory nature
#I'm spiraling too bad rn I don't know how to stop#I wish I had therapy soon but my therapist is on break for our next session :/#I feel like I'm going insane#I should. Hopefully delete this later but God
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I think every transmasc should have a girl blorbo
Delve deep into her writing/character and expand on it and extrapolate ESP if the source material Does Not do her justice or doesn't give her the things she deserves. Find your pain in her pain and find her pain in yours and give her the things you will never have. Whether it was taken, starcrossed, or never meant for you. It could be for her. It could be.
Bestow upon her a gift, what remains of a life never lived. Leftover love of things that never fit right, never suited you, never were meant for you. Things you learned to love anyway, a love both real and manufactured out of necessity and survival.
And bestow upon her another gift, of love that has nowhere to go, of doors you've had to lock shut, doors you know go nowhere for you. Give her the key. Take up your pencil. Draw her in an adorable outfit. Draw her surrounded by loved ones, who love her so dearly back. Every drawing, a wish. That she can have a kinder life than mine. That I could give that to her. A parting gift, from me to someone who I can no longer host, that can now live on peacefully within her and lead an even better life than it ever could have within me. It was in the wrong house I had to rehome it.
Something adjacent to Gandalf Big Naturals ect ect
#fun fact! yesterday i had to explain gandalf big naturals to my therapist.#i feel like. there is so much that can be said here.#it's not necessarily about seeing yourself in a female character bc i literally never have.#i could have a few things in common i could acknowledge like oh sakura from ccs has brown hair like mine#and she's in the same grade as me (when i started reading ccs as a kid). but that's where it began and ended.#the first character i EVER saw myself in was nonbinary. and after that i actually started seeing myself#in exclusively male characters. like. it gave me permission too.#but this isn't really about that it's about like. recogizing common ground (keeps you normal about women)#(bc DEAR GOD. w how close i am w my sisters w my prev life experience you think i would be. however#being transmasc can and WILL give you shrimp color insecurities and insane tendencies.)#but it's also about like. an entire life that has nowhere to go. both in the past and in the present actually.#like it's so much more than just dresses i still own and think are cute and pretty and don't have the heart to get rid of#what i'm trying to capture here is it's more than just what you had to leave behind that no longer suits you.#it's everything in the wake of living as yourself and being dead in the eyes of people who say they still love you.#a ghost that haunts itself by living.#and it's about things that just have never been and never will be. the grief of which will consume you forever#every drawing of sharena is a love letter and a wish and a gift. that's what she is to me.
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I just get so tired of waking up every day and having to claw my way up to some emotional baseline
#but really what choice do I have#just not wake up? not the healthiest option#probably need to up my meds#I just feel so defeated living each day like this#bleggghhh#so I take a small handful of pills and vitamins and drink my little coffee and chug water and try try try to distract myself#wining. whinging and wining and bitching and moaning.#what would my therapist suggest? try focusing on what’s real and logical and rational. not feelings and emotions?#but I just can’t always be logical with fucking chemicals in my brain#I can’t outthink chemicals or the days when my hearing gets real bad or even when I just don’t feel too fucking good my dude#try to focus on the good parts of tinnitus and bug hurty tummy ya butthole#okay he’s not a butthole he’s actually very very nice and has been very patient with me#but just let me be negative about this for a minute jeez#I’m so fucking grumpy these last few days#trying to… ugh I guess eat my feelings? I hate that phrase and I’m not over eating#but I have been I guess STRATEGICALLY EATING things I hope would temporarily boost my mood. sugary stuff. caffeine. junk.#god I wish I just had drugs for this. for when it gets too hard.#this sounds so pathetic. oooo nooo I just want to get high because im soooo sad 😭#I have three (3) klonopin left I save for bad days or anxiety or whatever and I doubt my doc is gonna give me more#I’ve been taking buspar for the past couple of weeks and I really don’t know if it helps#hell im not entirely convinced buspar is not only NOT adding anything but if I stop my body will hate me#need to go talk about that with the dr but my appointment is next month and im lazy about pushing it up sooner#we’ll see. probably do that tomorrow after I run some errands#is this exciting? getting to see me plan out my day tomorrow? gonna grab groceries and med refills. wow it’s an inside scoop just for you#anyway this is a lot of rambling and I’m sorry if you read any of this#I’m super duper poor right now but I think I’ll run to the gas station and get a big fucking huge soda so I can ride a small sugar high#uggghhhh what a waste of a post#you can ignore this#text
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