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Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.
I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.
The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.
Because it's so hard to exist in this world.
My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:
Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)
Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.
Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.
Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.
Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.
Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s
I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.
So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".
Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)
Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.
NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD
Stigma in the DSM
Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)
"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."
(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)
#actuallynpd#signal boost#actuallyautistic#mental health awareness#narcissistic personality disorder#people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias#(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar#mentally ill or otherwise ND)#the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there'#no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo#anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that#he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful#misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included#several personality disorders. one of which was NPD.#and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and#he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he#was glad he did#fun times#or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to#support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma#bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me#trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.#again..... fun times
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doing chibi is a good design exercise bc it forces u to think on shapes n essential details, essentially thumbnailing ur designs. its also a terrible design exercise bc it ends up looking cute no matter what
#dimension 20#fantasy high#riz gukgak#very specifically class swap bard!riz#fh class quangle#mm. I may need tags for all the asides Ive been doing lmao#riz's canon design is so coherent and thematically clean that I genuinely struggle to keep up...#bard!riz's whole thing is working out his identity through abject fear so it kiiiinda makes sense that hes got a different thing going#on every year I guess? like lmao the directive I go into each of these designs with changes vastly#freshman bard!riz has to look extremely nonthreatening. and also make you wanna pick him up and chuck him at a wall#annoyingly inoffensive. slides off your memory pretty much immediately. a void of an experience#crucially Does Not Show Teeth While Smiling#sophomore year bard!riz I have been keeping the like. cameraman direction for#I want him to be swimming in clothes a little bit... he kinda lands at like. 80s/90s shlocky horror protag too which I do like#bc what is season 2 to riz if not a horror story lmao#junior year bard!riz I want to be somewhere between clark kent and tintin#the journalist aesthetics is not so clear and easy to build as the detective or spy aesthetics...#but also I just. really like boy journalist lmao this is the BD blood speaking again#and! I actually do draw his hair differently than in my canon junior year riz stuff. its a bit shorter here so it doesn't#obscure as much of his face#its so funny actually going from drawing canon stuff to class swap esp. with riz bc he's smiling SO much here#and it's 100% trained like its crucial for u guys to know he is equally if not more fucked up as a bard#barely anybody can wrangle him in canon it's already been mostly him keeping himself on track. imagine if he actually learned how to act#mmm. I think these designs are still gonna soft change as I draw them. thats fine we have fun#drawing sophomore year bard!riz for those comiclets was fun as hell. I think on this factor alone I call it a success lol
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I was tagged to share 5 fanfic self recs. By @ziskandra
I can't remember anyone's names to tag on mobile so if you are interested just take it from me!
Since this is my dragon age account I'll start with that
Some Day Soon the Dawn Will Come
Dragon Age, Cullen centric, multiple pairings, single father au, omegavrs au
A wumptober collection that allowed me to play with the ideas that would become the long form fic I'm writing now His Faith Sustains Him. I chose to stop writing this and work on the new fic because frankly writing all wump for the same universe got exhausting, and I felt like it would be more fun and more interesting to write about omega Cullen healing during the events of Inquisition. Much of the broad strokes are being kept though, and many of the scenes will remain "canon" to the new fic though many changes are also made by the nature of it being better planned.
Cleaning the Pipes
Iron Bull/ Cullen Rutherford watersports fic.
This is more along the lines of what I'm more known for in my fanfic which is an exploration of kink.
Pathologic fic
Knight Captures Queen
Alexander Block/Captain Ravel
This is one of my most ambitious fics I've ever written, and I think it allowed me to grow as a writer like nothing else.
It expands on the characters before the beginning of the game, and gives life to Captain Ravel who is spoken of but never seen in canon. We are only told good things about him, but so many people lie in Pathologic how do we know if that's true. :3c
A friend even did a podfic version of it here as well
Song of the Ouroboros
Artemy Burakh/ Daniil Dankovsky
A surreal exploration of post Pathologic 2 Nocturnal ending where Daniil has to change his form to survive in this new world of strange things.
Also it's about Artemy having sex with naga Daniil who has two dicks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Architect Andrey Stamatin is Dead for as Long as His Brother is
Artemy Burakh and Andrey Stamatin
Post Pathologic 2 Diurnal ending, where Andrey survived but his twin Peter didn't.
It's about how messy grief is, and an exploration into what this ending means for Artmey.
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I don't want this to end.
A cute little date scene that I really liked from the fic The Big Woo by @tinkertoysdamn !!!!!
#it's a very fun and insane/pos AU#it's like those silly afternoon reality tv shows ;]#thats why it's still one of my favorites honestly#anyway as u can tell i kinda disappeared from making things and i can explain#1 there was something wrong with me health-wise so i kept getting check-ups and doctors just Guessing#until we got it right which I won't go into detail but finally figured out why i get fatigued so easily ..#2!!!! i've been grinding and levelling up on genshin bc i want to hangout with my pookie bear 😘😘😘😘 also i've been wanting to play it so#okay anyway done rambling hello tag readers i love you#happy valentine's day here's multiple treats pick one or more mwa 🍓🍒🍉🍉🫔🍧🍡🍨🍦🥧🍰🍮🎂🧁🍭🍬🍫🍪#okay here's the normal tags LOL#reigen arataka#serizawa katsuya#serirei#mp100#mob psycho 100#mp100 fanart#mi art stuff
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Something I really like is that April’s constant stream of odd jobs she goes through is somewhat reflected in the boys as well. Like, you have April working at random pizza places or getting a crane license or being fully willing to apply for a job at a place clearly made out of cardboard. Then you have the boys as well who do anything from working as a basketball mascot, building a massive dog park, being waiters, getting a whole band gig at a theme park, etc, etc-
Main difference is that April actively applies for these jobs (and is hopefully paid for the short time she’s in them) whereas for the bros the jobs usually find them (and they practically never get paid.) It doesn’t even stop at jobs either, they just seem to casually amass skills in general.
I don’t know, I like how both April and the turtles are just so ready and willing to do things. Sure, they’re not always good at these things, but they do them readily! In a way, being heroes is just another job (well, more like volunteer work/vigilantism/another fun activity) that they initially took on because of their general sense of “why not?”
They’re very willing and open to trying out new things despite their tendency to revert back to what they enjoy (and how commonly trying new things ends up going wrong), and I think that adaptational interest of theirs really helps them be well rounded in multiple regards.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#like not even just jobs these characters just like to go out and do things!#even if they’re initially not interested they’re so curious and stuff that they’ll do it anyway#I wonder if April being as curious and incredibly open minded as she is rubbed off on the boys growing up#and they like…osmosis’d this personality trait from her to be like ‘yeah sure whatever’ to any antic#I also just think that they’re bored teenagers with a TON of time on their hands so they like to just live it up#I think the boys always had the desire to go out and apply themselves but meeting April likely pushed them more#y’know I wonder#what if April narrowed down just one job when in college and she actually managed to keep it#like…almost as a form of growth - she narrowed down jobs and careers and schooling as she hit early adulthood?#it’s kinda reflected in raph as well - originally so open and for goofing off but now much more singularly focused on hero stuff#kinda a sad way to look at growing up but it works here#because you have the three younger sibs still readily doing other things#not as focused on responsibility or singular paths#it’s sad because adulthood absolutely does not mean not being open to other things#but at that time in your life sometimes there’s a pressure and unwanted responsibility to pick a path y’know?#and it’s a relief to learn that actually there was never just one set path with one set trail you always had to stay on#and I think that’s reflected in how raph at the end of the movie opens back up to playing around and doing things for the fun of it
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A portrait of Sir John Herschel because I‘m normal about Pulp Musicals
#yall don’t understand this took so long- amongst the five different versions this went through it took a total of 22 hours#and it’s finally done#god I love sir John Herschel#truly THE guy ever#it’s crazy because I started this way back in the beginning of April and finally picked it back up on Wednesday right before they announced#pulp 4 which I’m so fuckin excited about by the way#oh my god it’s going to wreck me I’m so pumped#and now I gotta get ready for pulp fortnight#but yeah I really wanted to draw him and I wanted to try something more elaborate that some of my typical stuff#I was going to do the shit where artists do the shading in greyscale and then overlay the flat colors but I decided fuck that#because I like to enjoy drawing and as I found out I DO NOT enjoy that#also for some reason doing realism and drawing curt is SO much harder than what I typically do#it took sooooooo long to get him down and make it actually look like him#oh hey fun fact about this drawing before I do my fun fact- I used a screenshot of Duke as a reference for this#ok now for a real fun fact#fun fact: Asteroids can sometimes have moons and rings of their own#alright now I’ve got a billion other drawings to go work on because the grind never stops yall#sir john herschel#john herschel#pulp musicals#the great moon hoax#the brick satellite#the ghost of the antikythera#Curt mega#my art#god yall I love pulp musicals#I’m so insanely pumped for pulp 4 it’s going to be the raddest thing ever#EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS NEEDS TO GO LISTEN TO PULP MUSICALS PRONTO /nf#PLEASE (its on Apple Music and Spotify)
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here's the prick i was talking about^ i have so many thoughts and notes about him but they're mostly incomprehensible so when i organize maybe them i'll post them who knows
#art#oc#id in alt#um ummm#idk. if you have any questions as always feel free to ask#ANYWAYS. geez making him has been so fun i love this asshole so much i'm going to put him through the horrors#salute to you Kordian if you see this if you hadn't shown me stalker i probably wouldn't be running in circles about patches now#more notes. i actually have no idea how magic works in-universe i just thought it would be cool. he's not good at using it he sucks. he's#shocked himself so many times probably. will that stop him? no#he practiced fencing for a few years so he actually like. knows how the fight flows or whatever. i think he definitely picks out targets wh#don't get their bearings quite as well and dances around them and shit like that he just likes to be mean i guess#idk idk. also he joins the lovelies at one point. that's like. semi-canon. it's sorta like with triumphant and normal walenty to me. like#they both exist but the. so to speak. evil one kind of doesn't in a way if you get me. i mostly thought it would be a fun thing to think#about. and also patches would do that and then he'd freak out like what the fuck am i doing and leave#another random thing about his pronouns. well i mostly use he/him for him. that 'any' is more in a way that if you referred to patches as#she or they or it or anything else he wouldn't care#but he usually doesn't mention it and stuff
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Noise game.
#winging it#raven beak#samus aran#samus#metroid dread#metroid#chozo#metroid comic#Chozo have a habit of just making noise. it's fun!#Samus does it too (picked it up during childhood) though her smaller human throat doesn't allow her quite as much range.#make no mistake: her mimicry is very impressive. she just can't flawlessly imitate an oncoming 16-wheeler.#She can do other Things though. As Raven Beak displays his mastery over the ringtone. so too does she have this power.#she has the upper hand in some places: lips and teeth allow her more tools with which to execute the finer points of complex noises#but her elders have tricks of their own.#Raven Beak can imitate human kissy noises in his throat using the very back of his tongue#making noises at each other is honestly one of their best bonding activities so far.#though they're usually sitting across the room from each other when they come out with the ear blast-tier moves#they don't need to talk to each other. don't even need to look at each other. they can just sit in the living room and go back and forth#with noises. they get competitive sometimes. that's typically when the loud stuff comes into play.#sometimes they have these wordless competitions of who can make the most intricate noises or the loudest noises or the weirdest noises#or they try to see who can make the most outlandish sound that flesh can feasibly make. like heavy machinery. stuff that you wouldn't expec#someone to be able to make on their own without the help of equipment.
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top 3 fave bbys in the burrito show (bonus SUPER LONG tags on how i feel bout the characters)
#my art#boruto naruto next generations#sarada uchiha#shikadai nara#inojin yamanaka#in no particular order except sarada is my fav- i think she shouldve been main focus- girl brings all of og team 7 together at all times#just her family history alone is very interesting and i WISH we had seen a convo with sausage boi about her uncle and just everything#but shes a pretty solid character on her own- VERY good mix of both parents yet still being her own self#shikadai is funny i really like seeing him- hes a sight for sore eyes- bro got EVERYTHING from his dad minus his eyes and maybe hair#his dynamic with boruto being besties is really fun to watch- sarada too- with both shika and sara being geniuses and all#i love inojin's simplicity and how ordinary he is.... its... realistic?#hes artistically talented yes with his ninja art stuff but everything else hes kinda... mundane? at times even bad?#Considering every other prev gen child's got all these cool stuff goin on- i like that hes just... kinda normal... i like that about him#boruto i actually do like as well- he'd make a GREAT support character- i love how big bro he is and how he wants to stand up for others#hes a lot like naruto in that way- and might be a hot topic to say this but i also like how - in his very first arc- boruto hates the hokag#not his dad but internalized that the job took his dad away from him- regardless on criticism i think that concept is really neat#i am not well versed in what the story is now for boruto- ive just kinda picked my snacks on what i wanna watch lmao#but i do wish there was more showings of slice of life for all the kids- cuz they are all really interesting- especially for prev gen's kid#>>wished they did timetravel arc with sarada so we coulda seen young sasuke & sakura interact with boruto and sarada T_T#one last note: borusara is very interesting- but i actually prefer them just being friends- at most friends with crushes on eachother#i do think its cute but i like the dynamic of it being unrequited idk its new for me i just prefer them as friends with crushes lmao#prob cuz they work as characters independently Im not really interested in ANY of the new gen hookin up- borusara is the most interesting#i mean it IS the ONLY one being pushed canonically but i like it- that boruto looks out for sarada and sarada worries for boruto#but ya i wish boruto was like mitsuki in being a side character - i think a LOT more people will find him less annoying that way#though- i REALLY want more sarada and sasuke dynamics being shown- actually the uchiha fam a TON more than what we got#they are just SUPER interesting to me lmao#im a sucker for the emo boy turns soft and has family and bonds with their kids- its one of my favourite things in media#i feel like scraping the ocean floor when im trying to find quality sasuke and sarada art pieces and story stuff#cuz ive exhausted all the content in these past what 2-3 years of knowing both boruto- and now more recently - naruto#(yes im one of those people who knew boruto before naruto- smite me)
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makin my way through the new tgcf edition(!!!) and one thing i noticed that doesn’t come across in the english translation is how much the ghost groom plotline is clearly just meant to frame our first impression of hua cheng.
the phrase for ‘ghost groom’ is 鬼新郎 (gui xin lang)— the same 郎 in san lang (三郎). ‘red wedding palanquin’ is 红花轿 (hong hua jiao) — literally “red flower palanquin”. then obviously hua cheng appears and escorts xie lian out of the palanquin, and even begins to lift the veil. the villain turns out to not be a groom at all, so the entire point of the misdirect was to create this association
so when hua cheng rolls up five minutes later, dressed in red, and introduces himself as ‘san lang’, to the reader there’s a huge blinking sign over his head reading
HUSBAND!!!! GHOST HUSBAND!!!!
#tgcf#tgcf meta#hua cheng#my hyperfixation demon#rereading tgcf#like the thing is those are just the normal words for the things. groom. palanquin.#but it’s obviously chosen on purpose to create those associations#it’s so obvious and on the nose even in the english trans. but the identical words really. stands out. in the chinese#in a way i didn’t pick up on as strongly in the english#just thought this was a fun translation bit to share#my chinese is real bad guys but reading tgcf is so fun#meta stuff
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idk whats funnier, the genuine worry in angela's tone when she asks if she's gonna stop getting cast in these videos if shes too bad at video games, vs amanda's very confident assertion of "no thats WHY they cast you" followed by "i would know, i've been in every single one" aslfjskfjsjfjsjfn
#amanda lehan canto#smosh#angela giarratana#honestly!!! the two of them are not that bad!!! theyre picking things up VERY fast#amanda is getting the hang of controller stuff quick and tbh how ang approaches games is like . gonna do her favors big time.#trevor evarts#smosh games#guts and glory#the way angela asks questions about games makes me SOO happy actually bc like. a ton of the stuff she talks about and pitches DOES EXIST#and i think she might really like them if she got the chance!!! there are games that explore history! there are games with fascinating and#fun mechanics! there are games with both!!!!! she loves puzzling games and mechanics apart in a way that makes me go#oh man ANG. I THINK. YOU COULD REALLY BE A GAMER IF U WANTED TO. YOU WOULD HAVE FUN.#show her some storytelling games like valiant hearts. fun mechanics like donut county. ya feel me.#plop her and amanda into control. let them puzzle it out.#they love mysteries.
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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At this point Wednesday and Thursday are the highlights of my week like I’m vibrating with excitement when I know Wednesday at like 7 something I’ll be sitting down to giggle at my favorite show like I- 🤧
I don’t always watch d20 seasons as they’re airing but for fantasy high, it gets so woven into my schedule when a new one drops 👏 like not to get super sentimental (I’m absolutely going to in a read more. Plus the season is ending soon and I’m emo about it but also just excited in general to get all the answers) but this season really means a lot to me. Absolutely none of them will see this (thank god) but the intrepid heroes & BLeeM mean so much to me. They made a show that is so funny and beautiful and kind and so stupid at its core and it just goes to show how lovely they are. The impact they’ve made on the actual play community is so huge. For me a lot of actual play was very intimidating to get into because of huge backlogs or the kinds of stories being told weren’t for me but goddamn, d20 just hits on so many levels. In part due to the storytelling and also just holy shit everyone at the table shows up and cares so much about who they’re playing and their place in the world and the story they’re helping be told. It’s just 🤧💖 I hope one day I’m half the dnd player that Brennan, Emily, Lou, Murph, Siobhan, Zac, and Ally are. They truly inspire me so much.
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**TW For SA, trauma, mental health + personal shit etc under the cut**
I stopped watching d20 for a long while. Give or take a year or two? I know it was around the zoom season era. Me and A guy I was really close friends with bonded over dnd and d20 and it was one of the main things we had in common. The night he SA’d me we were watching FH S1 from the beginning. And I think that kinda.. like I didn’t watch d20 because it brought up a lot of thoughts of him and that night and just so much ptsd.
D20 was my favorite form of escapism during hard times and it really sucked to lose that for so long. When d20 Junior year was announced I decided it was time to get back into the show because I missed it and I loved it and I couldn’t let him make me so scared that I never went back to what gave me so much joy. I introduced the show to him in the first place, I could reclaim.
I watched freshman year after I dropped out of art school because my parents and I couldn’t afford another loan and I was really lost. It took my mind off a lot of it thankfully.
Sophomore year aired when I started going to community college. I had a night-time psych class that would end about half an hour before the streams would start so it gave me motivation to get through it because I had something to look forward to after. Now junior year is airing while I’m dealing with a lot of health stuff + depression + job stress (now that I write it all out, both college stresses passed and I did end up getting a decent-ish, albeit very shitty job in graphic design, so I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, this’ll pass)
I don’t know if they’ll ever do a senior year/graduation season but if they do, I’ll be there still excited and brimming with joy and anticipation for more d20 Wednesdays to come. 💖
#this is VERY personal but it’s also my blog who cares baybeee 🥵✌️#there’s not much that I watch while it’s airing#like I don’t watch a ton of tv either I mainly watch YouTube or I’ll pick a show that’s either finished or has enough seasons for me to go#feral about#but when FH is on?? or when Big brother airs during the summer?? I’m locked in#I’m sat#I’m having a fcking blast#I think I’ll be posting a lot less discourse in the tags from now on lmao#like- I think writing this out made me remember why I love d20 so much and it’s definitely the show and then the fanart and character stuff#I don’t like fighting with people about like.. subjective opinions#I dunno like there are fandoms where I love the discourse bc it’s to be expected with certain ones (reality tv competition shows like bb +#drag race for me) and I love that sorta thing where rooting for someone or screaming about what they could’ve done to win or whatever is#a big part of that#but with my silly shows like d20 or drawfee or whatever I’m here for the good vibes#when I deviate from that I start having less fun in fandom#d20 fhjy#fantasy high junior year#dimension 20#fhjy
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The way people sometimes refuse to acknowledge that writing choices that clearly go against established canon should mean something is endlessly frustrating to me. We don't have to agree on the interpretation, but these writing choices SHOULD mean something.
Otherwise, it's shitty writing.
#'the ga wouldn't even notice'#'the character doesn't seem to mind'#'you're reading too much into things'#no actually the fact that so many people think writing doesn't have to involve any stylistic or thematic choices to build meaning#and that writers just do stuff and as long as the character doesn't say anything it couldn't possibly mean anything is absurd#like y'all can pick up any classic piece of literature and think the writing just manifested on the page#and nothing is any deeper than some author saying what happened to a character like the character's just recounting real-life events#and that nothing really means anything except exactly what is said outright or some shit#but that's not how good writing works#in any form of media#and if the blatant contradictions are not being addressed then maybe the writing is shitty actually#and also even IF something wasn't intended to mean anything by the author directly doesn't mean that no meaningful connotations exist#for the audience like jesus christ y'all#i get enough of this bullshit from my students i don't need it in fandom too#let people analyze things and dig into them and spec and 'look too deeply' it's fun#and also it's okay if someone has a different interpretation than you and wants to talk about the possibilities behind that interpretation#or about other possible interpretations#it is not hurting you to see someone 'read too much into something' let people have their opinions#without trying to shut down everything you disagree with goddamn#anyway#911 discourse#fandom negativity#and actually i do think it's mostly shitty writing at this point#but that doesn't make it not mean anything that it's shitty writing actually#and it shouldn't be viewed as some awful character flaw for someone to point out why certain choices don't make sense#and to talk about what they would like to see addressed because of that
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i was thinking about the archangels and how fucked up being possessed by one of them would be and this was created. headcanons on what each (non-bloodline) vessel would go through while possessed! bon appétit
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michael
their vessel runs hot, grace a constant thrum under the skin that imitates a heartbeat well enough for those unaware not to notice. the blue glow that takes over their eyes upon the slightest provocation calms only when their enemies are on the ground, enochian seared into what’s left of their skin once the light dies down.
the heat that follows them shapes the air into wings too big for the space they’re in, even in the most expansive fields earth has. they have to watch out when stepping on grass, or stretching their wings too far into the trees, or fire will follow them too.
eventually it starts to burn, whatever body they’re in. the grace running through its veins turns closer to lava with each passing day, flares deep inside its chest and expands down to its hands when their anger rises. bruises showing up in blues no matter how old they are, burns in its skin hot to the touch.
a smell of fire and smoke follows them when they leave the vessel, and they set ablaze anything in their path on the way to a new body. the largest fires are caused by their rage, charred eyes and hearts left behind on their path.
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lucifer
there's something freezing under their skin, somehow encompassing entire rooms and digging into the skin of everyone around them. the air around them is cold enough to kill, frostbite reaching others before turning their own vessel's hands red with it. its lips are bitten red and raw because the taste of blood is almost intoxicating.
garbled enochian slips through in a constant downpour, because they are an angel and won't taint their tongue with a human language despite the way it burns their vessel's mouth. the easiest way to find them is following the trail of frozen footsteps and the scent of rust so strong it can be tasted.
the hypothermia that sets after some time is what leads them to find a new body, when the one they are wearing becomes too sluggish and their grace starts slipping through the dry cracks in its skin. all that's left is a cold body with its eyes frozen shut.
the earth bleeds on their path, water freezes red by being in their proximity, plants burn and die from the frost. their grace whips through the air and leaves bloody slashes in the skin of anyone who dares get in their way, the wounds never closing completely.
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raphael
their electricity can be felt under the skin of their vessel, sometimes shocking those who try landing their hands on it. their presence makes people’s hair stand on end, their voice resonates through the room in a way that makes it impossible to ignore. the fissures that appear on its skin from one day to the next are eerily similar to lightning.
the eyes of their vessel gain an unnatural brightness, something fiery that is just wrong when compared to the decaying state of the rest its body. their words flow in a way that’s almost hypnotic, calming until the next strike of their blade.
an ill-suited vessel can’t hold them for long. the tremors starting in its hands show that, as do the bouts of dizziness that hit them every so often. by the time their vessel starts losing its sight they have a new victim picked, their electricity having already eroded the brain of the previous.
it seems as if thunderstorms follow their grace, both rain and lightning falling close but never hitting them. wildfires start in their wake, raindrops never quite reaching their destination, and the injured miraculously recovering in hours.
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gabriel
there’s a wind hiding under their skin, usually unnoticeable to the common eye. they’re light on their feet, eyes travelling through every corner of the room they’re in, the air around them somehow feeling heavy with the power they chase. at times it blows stronger, the whole of them looking longer, bigger than their vessel, but it doesn’t last long anymore.
their vessel’s skin grows dry with time, tearing open with each snap of their fingers, grace pouring from its hands and giving life to lilies wherever it falls. all of their vessels’ hands are burnt by the time they leave, skin too fragile to handle their grace.
erosion is what kills their bodies, the debris that always seems to fly back towards them easily chipping away at flesh and bone. what’s left of the body after they take their leave isn’t enough to keep it alive, not with the dust coating its lungs.
tornadoes follow the path of their grace, leaving destruction and chaos between their vessels. they are angry, and they are frustrated, and the mayhem they create is the singular way they can be heard. the debris lifted by their rage is flung as far as their grace can reach.
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#spn archangels#supernatural#spn#alright time for the rant in tags#michael's whole thing was inspired by this really cool phenomenon called blue lava... it's actually fire in its majority though#lucifer got the blood falls from antarctica based on their little comment in swan song about actually being cold#raphael's is the dry thunderstorm cause they (the storms) are really cool and i feel they (raphael) should get to actually destroy some >>#<< stuff with their lightning#gabriel's inspiration was the dust devil (which i spent a good ten minutes laughing about) but also tornadoes in general#i lost inspiration with them a bit but i think gabe would probably be the most human of the four?? so he would be a little more normal#also i think each would have preferences of who to possess...#michael picks people who are dying or fighters when they're possessing out of the bloodline#they looked at adam and saw a little pet... both died and was a fighter... also looked directly at their form... pet vessel#lucifer likes messing around with people who fell in some way... or are disgraced#they hop onto powerful people from time to time if it's necessary... also spent a bunch of time hopping at random#raphael possesses unhealthy people.. and then leaves them in a worse state <3 but at least they can't feel it (in raphael's mind)#probably got attached to donnie cause his body was taking longer to succumb... then balthazar salted him#gabriel only had one vessel... good for them#anyway gabriel would go for travelers or anyone who spent time moving around#they need their witness protection#anyway rant over i wrote all of this while delirious from a migraine#have fun folks#seven.
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