#mentally ill or otherwise ND)

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

[pileofpawns]

I gotta remind myself that I am deeply mentally unwell sometimes. that my lifestyle isn’t healthy or normal.

[aceofroses-queenofstars]

I feel like the last four years of my existence have just been string of instances where i discover something i do/experience isn’t considered the norm. First it was the anxiety, then the asexuality, then the nonbinaryness and subsequent genderfluidity and now it’s the autism. like i thought i had it mostly figured out and then i’ll just be talking and it’ll happen again. I was talking to my friend last night and i mentioned i had learned to darn socks because my socks always got holes around the balls of my feet before the rest of the sock wore out, and they said yeah that’s probably because you’ve been toewalking and didn’t realize it. I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’ve worn through the soles of shoes but only in that one area and i thought that was normal.

My catchphrase should be So you’re telling me that’s not normal??? 

[chaoticautie]

As someone who is somewhat of a “veteran” of the online ND community, I’m disappointed in the lack of positivity and love for lesser known diverse cognitive conditions, and the opposing abundance of posts about “cures” or outdated criteria or treatments for those conditions. So, without further ado, I want to say hello to anyone with any of the disorders I’m listing, and give them the love and support that hardly anyone else in our community has… Shoutout to:

People with Down syndrome

People with Fragile X

People with William’s syndrome

People with dyslexia

People with dyspraxia

People with dyscalculia

People with dysgraphia

People with Prader-Willi syndrome

People with PANS or PANDAS

People with aphasia

People with a TBI (traumatic brain injury)

People with chronic/early onset mental illnesses

People with cerebral palsy

People with FASD or were otherwise disabled via other substances in utero

And many, many more I may have forgotten to list (but still support and love, I will add more to my list)

You are all beautiful and wonderful, and you all deserve so more love, appreciation, acceptance and support. You are just as neurodiverse as the rest of us, and your voices deserve to be heard and amplified.

I love you all ❤️

[autistic-katara]

stuff i wanna see in TSATS

its just less than 2 months until TSATS comes out and my pjo phase is coming back HARD so heres some stuff i wanna see (idc how popular or unpopular these r)

Solangelo kiss (seriously like all the other good canon couples had one)

explicit use of queer terms (i havent rlly seen anyone talk abt this but as much as i love queer characters just existing u have no idea how happy it makes me to see media, especially kids media, explicitly say the words gay, bisexual, transgender, lesbian, etc.)

Hunters of Artemis cameo

piggybacking off that, Nico’s reaction to Reyna being a hunter (ive wanted to see this since 2019 PLEASE i gotta know how he feels abt this considering yk his past w/ them)

confirmation on whether Will’s gay or bi/mspec (or just simply queer, no specific labels necessary)

a trans/nonbinary character (specifically transmasc)

a Piper cameo

during her cameo Piper explicitly saying her sexuality (which is lesbian, if u think otherwise ur wrong/hj)

Hazel cameo

more Lavinia content (idc how i just need more of my chaotic Jewish ADHD pink-haired Russian lesbian, ok?)

GAY ANGST

MORE GAY ANGST

SO MUCH GAY ANGST ITLL MAKE MY AO3 HISTORY LOOK LIKE A HAPPY HETEROSEXUAL PURE BIBLE CLUB FOR TODDLERS

canonically autistic Nico

that Lil Nas X reference we were promised

Nico making more trauma jokes (he just like me fr)

the multiple coming out scenes i heard were allegedly promised

Hades and/or Apollo cameo

Hestia cameo

Jason’s ghost cameo

dead Apollo kids cameo

explicit discussion of Nico’s religious trauma

explicit discussion of just Will’s trauma in general (seriously we all kinda ignore that our “sunshiney golden retriever uwu gay boi 😊🌸✨☀️” actually has some super serious trauma)

both of them coping badly with all this and being worried abt eachother (aka gay angst but more specific)

Maria di Angelo content

Persephone cameo w/ her either still lowkey hating Nico and being passive aggressive asf to him or having had him grow on her in the past few years and is now turning the overprotective mom mode to the max

just some cute, non-angsty moments between Nico nd Will cause goddam we need some queer joy rn ;-;

so much hurt/comfort u physically cant continue living anymore (going both ways not just Will comforting Nico)

a MCGA cameo

Fierrochase and Solangelo meeting and having the same funny interactions they have in the memes (but with the canon versions of them)

discussions of stuff like homophobia and internalized homophobia and mental illness

a relatively happy ending (but not a “2 months later and the world is perfect and neither of them had felt anything close to depression or anything since the ending and if for some reason addiction was a part of this we would we talking abt how they were magically 2 months clean and it would be physically impossible for the thought of relapse to even cross their mind” kinda happy ending cause i hate those kinda endings w/ a burning passion)

setup for another side book (preferably a Piper or Reyna one)

thats all i can think of rn off the top of my head but feel free to comment on any of these or add ur ideas cause 2 months feels like an eternity long wait + hearing other opinions is fun when we arent all in a heated argument over smthn stupid

[neuroticboyfriend]

the fact having sexual thoughts and feelings about children is suddenly wrong if it involves attraction instead of distress is wild to me.

attraction is a type of feeling, it doesn't mean you're going to do something about it - saying otherwise is abelist and abuse apologia; it removes responsibility from abusers and justifies ableism toward any mentally ill/ND person for the thoughts/feelings they have.

and linking distress to morality is literally the most OCD inducing things you could do for someone with intrusive thoughts. you don't need to be distressed by your intrusive thoughts to be a good person.. let alone exist, and be a person who has a right to life and autonomy.

at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why you have the internal experiences you do (in terms of harm). what matters is that you treat people with respect and kindness and... don't actually hurt anyone. the kind of person you are is ultimately determined by your actions... not things you can't control.

also, the demonization of people attracted to children is inseparable from the distress brought on by intrusive thoughts, as well as the ableism towards people with them. like you are just hurting people all around if you demonize and dehumanize people attracted to children.

[b0y0rgy]

gone fishin :P (on hiatus)

hiii i'm werner (19, it/he)

t4t queer+arospec polyam black intersex transman, im also very chronically and mentally ill . not actively looking for a relationship or anything, mostly just here to umm be horny and make friends :3c

asks and dms are always welcome ^-^ very open to flirting, teasing, etc, or just talking about non nsfw stuff!! also pls ask before sending nudes/explicit pics tyyy

sometimes i rb darker kink stuff w/o tagged warnings - be warned now

my nsfw fandom blog: @ancientserpentdeceiver

elaborating on kinks/terms/non nsfw likes/dni under the cut ty ilyyy

kinks (will update over time)

favorites:

religious kink

breeding (+ mild pregnancy)

pet play

medfet

royalty/knights

robophilia/tech

cnc

otherwise i'm into most things except:

scat, v*mit

feederism

hard cnc

hard bdsm

raceplay

detrans/misgendering

abdl/ageplay

terms

names/titles:

pretty much open to any masculine titles that might come up, there are like two feminine names i'll take if we're close enough and you earn them

for my body i typically prefer:

chest/tits/boy tits

dick/tdick/boydick

hole/cunt/boycunt/boypussy

+ anything similar to these

non nsfw stuff

im a massive nerd im always down to talk about:

horror stuff

metal + rock

media analysis (especially movies nd characters in general)

writing

art

saw (franchise)

hannibal

death note

and lotsss of other stuff i love talking about it all please always feel free to reach out

DNI: under 18, over 30, cishets, terfs/transmeds/queerphobes, zionists, racists, etc (if you've made it this far you can probably use your own discretion about following)

[spiderton]

Can i perhaps get some headcanons on the women please.

God I’m so mentally ill about them right now

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! we're both karmen yuri soldiers and anyone else is cool to me i think they shouldve gotten their own names, so aimen is onattumen (means heat) and makomen is kittugiamen (quite literally meaning mosquito). theyre meant to be inuit in my 'verse, so i thought itd make more sense to stand on their own

as referenced in kittugia/makomens naame, kittugia once dying is "reborn" as a mosquito. for onattumen/aimen, they got to be basically a karmen uberhero (id get into mor ebut. nay) kittugiamen actually doesnt like mosquitos LOL but got that name from buzzing and how, since mosquitos are moreso bigger here, end up being used to suck blood out of fish and other purposes. otherwise kittugiamen is scared of needles too onattumen and kittugiamen got to work together as outpost watchers due to the patapons appearing, as kittugiamen actually had some experience in battle. onattumen however didnt, but sticked with kittugiamen as she didnt want kittugiamen to be alone out there its generally seen as a platonic thing for karmens to cuddle together, especially in the tundra where there isnt much materials for beds, and kittugiamen 'nd onattumen happened to sleep in the same bed often. doesnt mean they arent friends, because i think its obvious that theyre lovers onattumen is scared of sheeps/pekkoras and avoids hunting because of it. you can probably figure out why if you know

ALSO my designs for them. they are very. Well not canon im sorry....

[dollmini]

༘˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚ dollmini guidelines

⟢ about the writer

23 year old extroverted perfectionist from usa. nicknames and pet names are okay. i am afab but any pronouns are okay. nd.

⟢ do not interact

if you are a minor, don’t like smut, send or justify sending hate to someone, are a zionist, islamaphobic, racist, xenophobic, sinophobic, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, sexist, slut shame people, etc. do not follow me. none of that will be tolerated here. also, for my own mental health and safety, i will be blocking ed accounts.

⟢ this blog is 18+ only

i write smut on this blog, so you are no permitted to follow or otherwise interact with me if you are under the age of 18. i do not care whether you will turn 18 tomorrow, next month, or next year. if you are not 18, do not follow me. strictly minors dni. i block freely. that being said, please have your age visible on your blog to avoid being blocked. i do check.

⟢ not a request based blog

i am choosing not to base my account off of taking requests. requests personally overwhelm me and i do not like being on a strict timeline or anything of the sort. i still accept asks and hard hours thoughts, but requests are not something i see myself accepting very often. please refrain from sending in a request unless it is asked for. tag list password is moonstruck.

⟢ no upload schedule

as mentioned above, i do not like being on a strict timeline when it comes to writing. it stresses me out and is part of why i quit writing for a while — yes, i used to be a writer previously. i likely will not participate in events such as kinktober, kinkmas, etc. it’s rather stressful, and i’d rather this blog be something fun to do in my free time.

⟢ will not write under any circumstances

abuse, daddy kink, hybrids, incest, male reader, master/slave, mental or physical illness, noncon, pedophilia or age play, race play, scat, specific physical features (skin color, hair color, length or texture, or eye color), underage, etc. i do not write specific body types! i don’t write big vs small breasts, big vs small ass, chubby vs skinny partner, etc.

most other things are considered fair game, though you can always send an ask if you are unsure if i write something.

ⓘ i do not permit anyone to translate, plagiarize, republish onto other platforms, or any otherwise copying and theft of any fics, drabbles, or ideas posted on dollmini.

[melodioustear]

Fanfic & Mental Illness Survey Responses 1 - Demographics

As I've said elsewhere, the bulk of my analysis of the survey will focus on the qualitative questions - those are the ones that are most relevant to my thesis. But given the intersectionality of both my thesis and fandom in general, it's also super interesting to look at the demographics.

So today both for your interest and my benefit, I'm going to go through the demographics questions and chat about each of them in turn, especially (but not purely) with reference to what it could mean for my research.

For the purposes of this initial post I am just using the infographics generated by Google Forms - I'm working on putting together better ones which I will share later on.

Enjoy!

Q1: Do you experience or have you ever experienced any kind of mental illness or similar? 

It is unsurprising that in a survey about mental illness, most people who completed it have experienced it. 443 of the 488 respondents answered yes to this question for a total percentage of 90.8%. There's not a ton of fandom demographics out there on mental illness, so we can't quite know what this is like in comparison to the general fandom population (shoutout to @ao3demographicssurvey2023 for the data we will hopefully have soon!) - but it's reasonable to presume these figures are higher than normal given the topic of the survey.

Q2: Do you have any kind of disability, chronic illness or similar?

This is the first select all that apply question, so this chart is a little more complex to read. To just look at disabled vs non-disabled, we can see that 20.5% declare themselves to be non-disabled, with the remaining 79.5% being disabled. The %s we can then see in this chart by the disability types are a % of the total.

We do have some general disability demographics, though they are also from more niche surveys, like Renée Nielsen's 2021 survey on Whump which puts disability % as only 16.9%. However it's important to note that Nielsen queried neurodivergency separately, and saw 46.3% identifying as neurodivergent. So when you take that into account these figures aren't quite as radically dissimilar as they might otherwise appear. (Obviously some people in Nielsen's survey will have said they are both ND and disabled so this isn't exact, but it's a general idea).

As someone who has a chronic pain condition, it was very interesting to me that so many people identified with that. I hadn't originally intended to list chronic pain separately (as it's so often caused by something else, like a physical disability or chronic illness) - but in discussion with people on the Discord for the above mentioned AO3 Census, decided to do so, and I'm very glad I did. I'm super interested to see what these figures come out as for the 2023 Census.

Q3: If you experience mental illness, do you consider your mental illness to be a disability? 

Firstly a shoutout to my past self for somehow not ticking 'required' on this question and allowing two people not to complete it. Oh well. It is likely they fall into the "I do not experience" category anyway, or they are people who prefer not to disclose.

So, this question was one I was most excited about, because it's such an interesting thing as someone who's approaching mental illness at least in part from a disability studies perspective. One of the critiques of disability studies is that mental illness is often either an afterthought or not considered at all. (In her incredible book black madness :: mad blackness, Pickens points out that disability studies has inherited some very ableist assumptions of 'mind', calling back to the awful Cartesian duality).

Therefore it's not really surprising that so many people have complex feelings around whether their mental illness is a disability or not - especially with a high % of neurodiverse people. Whilst I included neurodiversity in the disabiility question and not separately, many people do not prefer to consider their neurodiversity to be a disability.

The question of whether mental illness and/or neurodivergence are disabilities is a very loaded, very personal thing, and I feel super strongly that we should all use the terminology that we prefer for our experiences - especially in a culture where the terminology is so highly medicalised, pathologised and curated by bias and marginalisation - but we're not here for my anti-DSM rant today.

I think this question really highlights that complexity and it's that ability to rest in vagueness and uncertainty that characterises Mad Studies for me, and is super interesting as a result.

Q3: How old are you?

Yes, the legend for this one is so long it had to go over into two images.

Here's the fun thing about this question - you can see fandom aging. In the 2013 AO3 Census, the biggest categories were 19-21 at 23%, 22-24 at 20%, and 25-29 at 19%. In this survey, we have 30-34 at 23%, 25-29 at 20.3%, and 35-39 at 16.6%. I'm very interested to see what the 2023 Census figures come out as and whether they display this trend of the dominant age group shifting upwards.

Having gone through a lot of work to be allowed to survey people 13 years and older, it was also notable to me that only 2 people aged 13-15, and 14 people aged 16-18 responded. This may well be a product of where and how I shared the survey, as well as the age shift in general, which is why I suspect we need a comparison like the Census to see the difference.

Q4: Which geographic region best describes your current place of residence?

No surprises here, I'm a European person who shared the survey only in English and on Anglocentric platforms - the more influential people and groups that shared the survey were also strongly US-centric.

Having said that it was lovely to see we got some representation from all of the options, even if only a few from some.

Q5: What is your race? Select all that apply.

I'll be honest, this is one of the first demographics that disappointed me. Whilst I cannot of course fully control the survey's reach once it's on social media, I'd hoped to see a more representative group from a racial perspective.

There's a huge intersection with mental illness and race. BIPOC are not just more likely to experience mental distress, they are also more likely to have one or more of the other factors that make you more likely to experience it - such as poverty or housing insecurity. So it's definitely a weakness of this survey that such a huge % of respondents were white.

I do wonder whether it has anything to do with the ongoing racism present in the AO3, and on social media in general - whether that's made people less inclined to engage with fandom spaces that might harm them - but it may equally just be that I am white, my personal and professional circles are predominantly white, and thus those circles are more likely to have the same white bias.

Some of it will likely be language barriers too, but when you have no funding it's basically impossible to conduct this kind of research across languages.

I hope that future research can be conducted to properly elevate BIPOC voices and make sure their perspectives on fandom and mental illness are heard too.

Q6: Do you identify as any of the following [queer identities]?

This was an optional question, so bear in mind the %s here will be skewed. This is one of those situations where my lack of experience came into play - if I was doing it now, with the wisdom of having started to want to analyse things, I would definitely have made all questions mandatory and always had a n/a option.

Nonetheless we can see here the usual strong weighting towards queer identity in fandom. I was especially delighted to get so many trans perspectives, which as we'll see in the next question included a really diverse selection of gender identities.

Something my supervisor encouraged me towards in my previous supervision was to look at the queer studies work in fandom and consider how that overlaps with my work. I have a strong background in gender studies and that's evolved into a love for queer theory and especially trans theory. Whilst I'm cis myself, trans theory has huge overlap with disability theory, especially in terms of self-identity and the need to constantly come out or reaffirm/redefine your disability.

Q7: What is your gender identity?

This was another select all that apply question and it is our first question that allowed write-in answers. This means this graph is a bit messy but as you can see people listed personal gender labels (some of which cross over with the given categories) as well as some longer reflections on their gender identity.

The two cut off, longer write-in questions were "I do not label but present masc" and "I am still discovering and questioning myself but this is how, for now, I identify as" - this second respondent obviously gave other options too.

As mentioned above I'm really delighted we got so many gender diverse responses. Being of a marginalised gender is also likely to lead to experience of mental distress (you will have noticed by now that all kinds of marginalisation do, goodness me, I wonder why) so it's great to have these perspectives included.

Q8 & Q9: What is your sexual orientation and what is your romantic orientation?

I've included these together so you can see them side-by-side as I think that's very interesting. Like before these are select all that apply questions with write-in options.

Longer write ins for sexual orientation were: - I don't distinguish between sexual and romantic orientation for myself. [a more specific version of the given I do not label] - Like before, I am still learning and questioning myself, but for now this is what I'm sure of about my sexual orientation. - Somewhere between demisexual and whatever the opposite of asexual is, like 3/4sexual?

And longer write-ins for romantic orientation were: - And once again, I'm questioning myself, still learning, but I think what I marked fits well enough for now, learning myself has been kind of chaotic

Shoutout to the person who has clearly gone on a journey with learning themselves lately and has given write-ins for all of these last few. I hope you keep your wonderful open-mind and insight into yourself!

Nothing here is surprising - we all know that fandom is heavily queer leaning, and it's not surprising that so many people identified as some form of queer. So whilst marginalised sexuality is also commonly alongside mental distress, I don't think for a fandom survey this will make as huge a difference, since fandom is so queer as it is.

Q10: Which religious or spiritual traditions do you believe? These options include all denominations.

Now this is where these graphs start to get really messy.

I'd first like to give another shoutout to the AO3 Census team who recommended including Folk Religion or Spirituality and Modern Paganism or Wicca, as these were things they had as common write-in responses in the 2013 Census. We can definitely see here that it's well represented too.

This is also a select all, so many of the write-in options (which I won't list this time as there's so many) were people clarifying exactly what their selections meant - such as saying I'm not sure so I picked X. I will say my favourite was "I honestly could not tell you. I've got schrodinger's religion at this point", because I think many of us have been there.

A couple of people did note that they were culturally affiliated with a religion even if they didn't believe.

Summary

And that's it for the biodata/demographics questions!

I apologise for the infographics not being amazing, this is as I've mentioned elsewhere my first time working on a project like this and whilst my graduate school offers access to software and training, it's still not something that I've got tons of experience in as a humanities scholar. With that said, I've loved the challenge and I'm very excited to get into coding the long-form responses.

What I've come away with is very much mixed - it does highlight the weaknesses of doing a specialised survey like this, and of only being really able to get it out there via social media (which means I've inherited the racial and geographic biases of my circles especially). That said I'm so happy we have so many disabilities represented, and that we have any disability data about fandom at all, even if it may not be fully representative of fandom as a whole.

I'll be doing a post next week looking at the quantitative questions around fanfiction practices, so make sure to follow and keep an eye out for that if you're interested!

[possiblyunhinged]

Being autistic, mentally ill and poor is very not ideal right now when lefties on the internet turn into raging dickheads during an election campaign... And I am a lefty.

I don't think I've ever felt this negative about everything... and I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 6.

I AM A FUN LITTLE GUY, OKAY?!

I've been in a four-day funk where I literally can't cope with external stimuli. I'm a boring person. I spend far too much of my life reading up on stuff, and usually, I'd be all over the election coverage, but I'm just done with everything...

Not in a 2008 emo way, in an I'm autistic, and my brain feels like it's on fire right now kind of way.

There are many threads of injustice weaving through everything right now, that my silly little ND can't cope anymore. Which I know sounds deeply petulant. I am a BABY... but I think for me, if a problem isn't solvable in my brain, then it just kind of sets fire to it on the way out.

It's been in England right now when you're working class, especially over the past three or four years. I'm not talking about losing your annual holiday, the last time I went abroad was when I was 10 years old. I have never been able to justify a holiday nor save because just keeping my head above water financially has been a fucking ballache.

Knowing that over 4 million families are living in poverty right now and having the lived experience of how that experience obliterated my childhood and indoctrinated my brain with a shame that has never left me absolutely breaks my heart.

I don't even have a quip to follow that.

I can't cope with those in power's complete lack of regard for what they have done. And when these children need help, whether that's psychological or otherwise, the likelihood is they'll just be stuck on a fucking waiting list.

I don't have space for rhetoric that generally only exists in University lectures for a reason... because it doesn't translate into real life with all of its complexities.

Unless it's a tactical vote, you can shove your Green Party where the sun doesn't shine. A blessing is that Labour will push for proportional voting and before the LaBoUr HaVe BaCkPeDaLlEd On EvErYtHiNg... wait and see, hey?

Let people feel a modicum of fucking hope for one second, because guess what... being someone who deals with suicidal ideation in a world so desperate to destroy people's hope is sehr stressig.

Beyond being a wretched bitch, I've pretty much been sick most of my life. And I have never found it more difficult to live with my brain.

I've existed in poverty since the age of 8. I'm 28 now. I don't have savings. I haven't worked for years because I had a nervous breakdown when I was 24 after being sexually assaulted. I tried CBT, beta-blockers, and a myriad of anti-depressants, guzzling on mushroom powders, but ultimately, I very much became a homebound agoraphobic once more.

I was diagnosed first with agoraphobia when I was 14.

I swear, I'm not an absolutely miserable cunt...

Well, not fully anyway.

Being reliant on the NHS for help my whole life has been nothing but a fucking nightmare. CAHMS was a joke, and it's only in recent years I started looking into the amount of people who were abused in that system. People didn't know what to do with a hyper anxious girl who could not simply slot in to a system of which worked for the majority. I next exceeded 20% attendance in a school year, despite the very helpful threats from social services.

I struggle to see how things have changed, frankly.

And I mention all of that to say that I've never felt more shame about my situation. I've never felt more scared about my future, especially when I am so reliant on my Mum, who is ageing like milk that's been left out on a patio in Portugal, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to help her as she gets older. My friend's lives are all falling into place, and mine has never felt so glum.

I was just curious to see if anything had indeed changed from when I was a child, and I saw a statistic of how more children are being submitted to A&E with self-harm injuries. And I can't help but ponder how shoving them on a waiting list for years and offering 6 sessions of CBT is going to help. I mean, two people I love attempted to take their own life and were just told to go back to their GP.

I don't feel all that positive right now.

I don't know why the fuck I think writing this on the internet is a good idea. However, people who play politics for a personality don't get that they make people who are struggling feel like debate fodder.

People are really fucking struggling, and if they get fucking 2% better, I'm sure most would take it. This incessant need to shit on anything that resembles some kind of hope is actually gross. And in fact, I think it's cruel.

Is 2% better the dream? No, obviously fucking not.

But am I going to fucking bite at the next middle-class person who goes on the internet or pops up on a TV panel and tells people who are struggling what to think? Yes.

I'm sharpening my teeth with an emery board as we speak.

Now, while we all sit on NHS waiting lists trying to convince ourselves that life just might one day get better, it'd be nice if more lefties on the internet would stop being such insufferable cunts.

[doberbutts]

I really appreciate your nuanced discussion. I'm physically disabled and mentally ill. My anxiety is so severe I become physically ill, and I'm desperately trying to manage it because it gets intense enough that it's putting strain on my heart. My depression makes me not want to get out of bed for days and sometimes makes it impossible to do *anything*. Honestly, I would care less about my chronic pain and fatigue if I wasn't constantly fighting depression alongside it. But having depression combined with being very limited physically, it makes it unbearable.

Like, the line between physical disability and mental illness it so thin, especially when considering that various mental illnesses and ND types literally impact how the brain is formed, how it functions, and can do damage to the body overtime. I'm rambling in your inbox now, so I'll wrap it up. But I always think that communities are stronger together, and having solidarity with overlapping communities helps strengthen everyone

We are all disabled, and what may be "severely disabled" for one may hardly make a difference to someone else. We are better as allies, because otherwise we will all hang together regardless.

[alabasterandpitch]

This is probably gonna end up a garbled word salad. I'm just vomiting my insecurities, please don't take this too seriously

Realtalk, the Tumblr community is a wonderful place to find like-minded folks who share your fucked up interests and obsessions and mental illnesses, and it's honestly really nice to share that with someone as I start down the neuro-questioning rabbit hole myself. I don't think I really appreciated how closed-off I'd let that part of myself get these last few years.

But shit if this site doesn't make me feel like hot garbage as a (semi)straight man sometimes. And on some level I get it; even if we're not all oppressive agents of The Patriarchy™, there's a lot of privilege being seen as part of the in-group of society's Default Setting™. Even though I don't really fit the typical ideal of masculinity in a lot of ways, I'm still spared a tremendous amount of grief purely by virtue of being visibly male-presenting, so I'm hardly the target-demographic on Tumblr. I have my own axe to grind with societal perceptions and expectations of masculinity, but we'll save that for another day.

Tumblr is a community that focuses on uplifting and empowering marginalized groups and bringing together artists and weirdoes and eccentrics and people who might otherwise feel utterly isolated and alone, and that's such an amazing and laudable thing. I think it's more necessary than ever in the world today to have communities that celebrate all sorts of marginalized people that we don't see reflected in Mainstream Society's version of things, whether they be LGBTQ+, POC, ND, or anyone who wants to break free from the box of restrictive societal norms they feel trapped by.

Believe me, the absolute last thing I wanna do as a straight(ish) cis man is show up at The Designated LGBTQ+ Hellsite™ and start whining: 'bUt WhAt AbOuT mE?1?!?'.' But I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel a little shitty sometimes to rediscover such a vibrant community of people I can actually relate to, who makes my weird brain feel a little less alone, only to feel like I stumbled uninvited into a party nobody wants me at.

I guess I often don't feel like I'm intrinsically desirable as a man on the scrawny, introverted end of the spectrum (hardy har), and I know that's on me to deal with in therapy.

It would just be nice to see a little more male-positivity

To all the lads, boys, men -- whatever word you want! -- out there, you're fuckin killin' it dude and I'm goddamn proud of you. Don't hesitate to check in with yourself and dump out all the emotional shit from time to time, and for the love of all that is holy, don't give yourself a second less time and love than you would give to your dearest friend in need.

My asks are always open if you wanna vent to someone who knows the struggle.

[lokiinmediasideblog]

hi! :D you've said before that you see mcu loki as ND-coded, and i'm curious about your specific thoughts on that. personally, i've mostly thought about this in terms of acquired mental illness stemming from trauma, but if i'm interpreting you correctly, you see him as innately neurodivergent? which is a fun + interesting take. are you thinking of a specific diagnosis, and/or is there a specific moment that stands out to you as ND Behaviour, or is it more of an overall vibe?

It started by thinking of Loki being ND-coded metaphorically, but I think he shows some behaviors. I will be breaking this down into actual behaviors and metaphors. I have ADHD, so I tend to skew his diagnosis towards that or AuDHD (and I have a mutual that thinks BPD also fits rather well and they're welcome to join in, lol).

Metaphors (movies):

1. The Jotun reveal. Aliens and changelings (both of which Loki is in cannon to Asgard) are common in metaphors to describe autism. From both the ND’s perspective as being in “Another planet” and from the NT’s perspective.

“A persistent trope in some autism communities is that autistic people are aliens, or, symmetrically, that non-autistic people seem like aliens to autists. Some autists are attracted to the metaphor of the alien to describe their own condition, or to say that they find other people alien (Hacking, 2009).”

“In addition to failure to thrive, before the development of modern medicine and psychiatry, it is very likely that any number of childhood disorders were interpreted as stolen children. Several modern authors have suggested that, in pre-scientific eras, children born with autism and other developmental disorders were probably considered changelings (Ashliman 1997; Wing and Potter 2002). By the late nineteenth century, science had begun to provide non-supernatural explanations for children who did not thrive or otherwise did not meet the normal expectations for a healthy infant, and belief in changelings faded. ”

2. Loki does not fit in at Asgard, the only home he’s known. His friends are actually Thor’s rather than his, and seem to tolerate him rather than like him.

3. Loki also gets blamed for misdeeds without good evidence: The W4 start suspecting a crown prince based on an enemy’s words and they assume Loki wants to harm Asgard. I think it’s important to note that they don’t assume he just wants the crown; they assume in his very short reign, that he’ll harm Asgard, which is never in his plans. And it’s unlikely they cared about Jotunheim since they wanted Thor back right away.

A parallel to being ND is that people distrust and even villainize you due to your mannerisms (e.g. “weird and quiet”). And I’ve talked about how I think Asgard promotes a very ridiculously straight forward mannerisms on its population to make self-policing easier. So Loki’s mannerisms must have clashed with the general population’s for them to distrust them so easily.

4. Loki’s main power-set being illusions, and unbeknownst to him, being changed into something he wasn’t born as (Jotun -> Asgardian), is a power-set analogous to masking (i.e. the process through which NDs camouflage themselves to fit in better).

Masking involves a lot of rehearsing and suppression to act in a more socially acceptable way. → Loki also needs to be useful to be appreciated

5. Thor being preferred for acting in ways deemed more socially acceptable by Asgard and Odin. A personal experience from me is getting shit to this day about how I was “so difficult as a toddler, unlike your brother!” and some mean comment about how I made life hell because they couldn’t take me to public places.

Some traits Loki showcases (and seem relatable to my ADHD-ass):

1. Tendency to fidget (in the movies and series). I think it’s even more noticeable in the series, where he’s doing random shit with stamps and hammers while he speaks to people (S2E1 talking with OB). It’s like he can’t stay still.

2. I pulled something very similar to the salad scene around an older mentor figure. It was rice I kept squishing in my hand while going off in a rant. My former mentor found my behavior amusing, for the most part, and never let me live that down.

3. Tendency to info-dump about how his magic works.

4. Poor impulse control (Loki series, gets drunk in a train, and cut Sif’s hair just because ← I HC he wanted to sabotage the relationship out of fear of vulnerability).

And that’s on top of the trauma-based extreme fear of abandonment he showcases in pretty much everything he’s been in.

Badly-formatted Sources:

Hacking, Ian. (2009) https://www.jstor.org/stable/40543987

[warmhealerr]

18+ - Minors Do Not Interact.

Adult content sometimes. Even if it weren't the case I just don't want minors here. My Instagram is not my Tumblr.

I am Barnabas, though you can also call me Barney! I use he/they pronouns interchangeably.

I'm a hobbyist who writes and draws. I am currently deep in a DND phase kickstarted by BG3. I am fond of all things Gith- peoples, though Githyanki especially. I also love Deep Gnomes, and undead, go figure.

I am otherwise writing The City Of Dust aka TCOD (name to be changed) which I might post about from time to time. It has been my personal passion project for 7 years now.

If that information matters to you I am a French in France who stays awake at ungodly hours and wants out of here HAHA.

BOUNDARIES/"DNI"

I feel childish adding more to this section for some reason but it is necessary, so might as well get on with it.

I know how to curate my online experience like any other, and I also love dark media and kink, but I genuinely politely ask that you do not follow me (assuming you've read this) if you post or reblog fetish incestuous content. I like quickly checking and/or following people's blogs when it seems we've common interests! There's only so much curating I can do when someone with no specific warnings anywhere on their account does not tag it, which has been a more common occurrence than I'd prefer. This also goes for adult/minor fetish content. Please and thank you.

No gen AI.

I otherwise block whoever I please for reasons completely unrelated to former points. My blog history and bio might give you insight as to what. I also do not like people who revel in being the most shocking, mean spirited, judgemental and edgy in the room.

Finally, petty intercommunity validity discourse is the bane of my existence.

TAG INFO AND MORE UNDER THE CUT

NOTE 1

I suffer from serial social media liking disease. Apologies, I don't mean to spam/be obnoxious.

NOTE 2

I am ND and very mentally ill. My casual everyday (like you are reading right now) writing might be noticeably overcompensating, too cold, too warm, far too descriptive, or redundant alongside suffering at times from poor punctuation and vocabulary (though that is also on the fact English is not my first language). I am well aware though I'm trying to avoid awkwardness, sorry about that.

TUMBLR STUFF

ASKS

I welcome any ask no matter its content (that includes asks of an adult nature).

TAGS

I am God awful at tagging things even though I have been using Tumblr for at least 5 years now. I am especially forgetful when it comes to character or ship tags. This is an attempt at changing that.

#rambling for when I talk about... Nothing.

Feel free to request ship or character tags (as I usually forget them) in my ask inbox. My ship tag format usually goes #x/y.

I usually do not tag suggestive content (I just don't think about it, this blog is already 18+). I will tag explicit adult stuff with #nsft.

Content warning tags will use a single word, like #gore. This is to avoid typing gore cw instead of cw gore (for example) in case someone doesn't have that former tag iteration blocked.

I usually do not phobia tag (I might sometimes tag specific living beings like #bugs or #spiders. It is for archive navigation purposes but perhaps you could find it useful to hide them).

Feel free to request CW tags in my ask inbox.

MY TAGS

#myart for my visual art : from sketches to fully rendered, anything goes. I describe my rendered art for the visually impaired, and/or comprehensive visual clarity for an easier analysis. I usually do not describe sketches especially if posting a bunch of them.

#my writing for any kind of writing I put out. I don't write lots of polished stuff though. It's mostly summaries, script drafts and ideas I use to communicate with myself first, and then other people. It's hardly literature imo.

My individual OC tags go "#charactername tag" for easy navigation purposes.

"#Fist of the Comet" additional tag for Ta'rath post BG3 campaign

"#underdark siblings" for Joufos/Oulmat/Zilkon, their other family members and Oulmat's patron.

#TCOD for TCOD (until name changes).

I will add more tags here once relevant. Thank you.

Ta'rath spin...

[operahousebookworm]

As the new year approaches and people start talking about resolutions, I urge you to meet yourself where you are. Especially for people who are ND, disabled/ill, or otherwise struggling. The arbitrary reset button of January 1 offers a great opportunity for problem solving, but not if you're hoping to just become a completely different person.

So if you're not the kind of person who enjoys going to the gym, resolving to go more is not gonna work. Instead, if you want to be more active, things like signing up for that ballet class you've always wanted to do, taking time once every week or two to find a new and interesting place to walk around, or even just resolving to get up from your chair once every hour are all legit tactics.

And sometimes that looks like finding different ways to solve a problem. If you struggle to remember to clean the litter box, sure, you could remind yourself more sternly or find different ways to remind yourself or just feel that much more ashamed when you inevitably forget. OR you could resolve that you're gonna save up for one of those self-cleaning litter boxes so you can take that chore off your mental plate.

Just, be gentle with yourself. This new year, rather than trying to move closer to some imagined standard lifestyle, look for ways to make the life you've got a little easier, a little more enjoyable. Take small steps, avoid shaming, and make it fun.

And remember, resolving this year to just accept your life as it is and find peace with that is a valid option too.